Change Your Brain Every Day - Top 10 Ways to Ruin Your Relationships

Episode Date: October 28, 2024

In this week's episode of Change Your Brain Every Day, Dr. Daniel Amen and Tana sit down to discuss sure fire ways to ruin your primary relationships. Did you know that having good relationships can help you be healthier and happier—and even live longer? It’s true! In addition to how great it feels to be in a positive, warm, and satisfying relationship with another person, it’s actually helpful to your brain and body as you age. Conversely, people who are in unhealthy relationships filled with conflict and stress can become more vulnerable to sickness and earlier death.   00:00 Intro 02:10 Responsibility 04:12 Blame/Sovereignty 06:24 Talking Over One Another 08:01 Defensive Ninja Moves 10:53 Cheating/Mistrust 11:34 Sponsor 12:44 RELATING 24:07 Summary 26:56 Condescending Attitudes 27:51 Contempt 28:13 Criticism 28:48 Love is Just a Feeling 29:54 No Forethought = No Foreplay 31:46 Practical Tips 33:41 Wrap Up

I don't know if most people know, of the people who file for divorce, 75% are women. Because we tolerate, tolerate, tolerate, done. But it's also because you have greater access to the right side of your brain. So the right side of the brain is the part of the brain that recognizes trouble. The left side of the brain is in denial, and it's the happier side of the brain. You're kidding. Gender differences. I know you're not supposed to talk about that these days,

but know the truth. The truth will set you free. Male brains are different than female brains. Every day you are making your brain better or you are making it worse. Stay with us to learn how you can change your brain for the better every day. So welcome back to the Change Your Brain Every Day podcast, where we give you practical tips

and tools to have a better brain, a better body, better relationships, and a better life. And today, we're going to tell you how to ruin your relationships. And then hopefully, you're smart enough to do the opposite of what we tell you. Now, both Tan and I have been in bad relationships, relationships that were not good. So we are masterful at learning how to mess things up. But we just celebrated our 16th wedding anniversary. We've been together 19 years. We adore each other and really want to talk about what works from a neuroscience perspective. Because if you want a better brain every day, you need to decrease the stress your relationship is causing you. And in large part, it's because you're not taking 100% responsibility for your relationship.

You want to explain that just a little bit? I do. And I always, when people say that relationships are 50-50, I'm always like, no, they're not. They're 100-100. So, and I think we've all heard that, right? They're 100-100. You each have to take 100% responsibility for yourselves. So, one of my favorite words is responsibility. And when I was

25, I had just finished going through treatments for cancer. I had had to file for bankruptcy, dropped out of school, had to quit my job. My life was kind of a mess. And I was feeling sorry for myself. And I remember my uncle, who his life had been a mess when I was growing up, he was a heroin addict, but he had changed his life. And so he looked at me and he said, so how much responsibility for this are you willing to take? And I made me really angry. And I'm like, for cancer, you want me to take responsibility for cancer? And he said, I didn't ask you how much blame you were willing to take. I said, how much responsibility?

Because responsibility is the ability to respond. Responsibility. And he drew a circle and he cut it in half. And he said, this is 50%. This is 50%. He said, if you take 50% responsibility, then you have 50% opportunity to change what happens and 50%, you know, opportunity for the outcome. And he said, but if you take a hundred percent, then you have a hundred percent opportunity to change the outcome. And I was like, it was like a light switch moment.

And I was like, no, I want a hundred percent. I don't want anybody else having control over the outcome of my life. And it just somehow really resonated with me that I wasn't taking responsibility because I had connected that with blame. And so I was feeling sorry for myself and I had a victim mentality. So responsibility is the number one step. And it's not 50-50. You can't take 50% responsibility. You have to take 100% responsibility.

For how you respond in the relationship. It just means your ability to respond. The number one hallmark of self-defeating behavior and the number one strategy to ruin your relationship is blame the other person for how things are turning out. Because then you become a victim and you can't change anything because you have no power, which is why I love if we're struggling, and we rarely struggle. When we bought the condo in Miami and furniture, we struggle over that. The table, yeah. Right? Silliness.

But it's because I always ask myself, what is it I can do to make this better? What is it I can do? Because I know I can make it worse, right? I mean, you have red hair. I can make it worse right i mean you have red hair i can make it god's warning label i can make it worse right with my tone of voice if i become condescending to you that'll flip the switch or tell me what to do just be like go do this bossy right you're just someone i know who needs sovereignty right and people don't what does that mean just to be the queen no she needs to be in control of what she does right if i just tell you what to do you won't do it and you'll get mad at me. But if I go, we could do this or we could do that, then it just always works.

Well, the funny thing is I almost always want to do what you want to do until it's posed in a certain way. Sovereignty. I want you to think about that. If you make someone feel like they're a sovereign, they're easy to get along with. But if you make them feel like they're a serf and you're the sovereign, they're not likely to go with it if you married a smart, strong, intelligent person. Aw. So the second way is talk over each other. Nothing says a healthy relationship like listening.

And nothing says an unhealthy relationship by having to be right and not listening. So I was with Amelie. So Amelie's our niece. And we were watching La La Land. And it's a scene in La La Land where Emma Stone's character breaks up with Ryan Gosling's character. They had a fight.

And I looked at Amelie and I said, two things just went wrong. One, they weren't listening to each other and they had to be right. And their relationship exploded. And I thought to myself, that's so smart. And so I turned on my phone and I recorded that 30 second video that ended up getting like 10 million views or something crazy. But you never, why would you want to beat the person you love most in the world?

It's just the wrong attitude. Yeah, it's really interesting, especially when you think, I've always thought that two of the most powerful, powerful words in the world are, I'm sorry, because it just has the ability to end a war. It's like crazy. And people are so afraid to say it. And you're very good at that. We are good at that. Okay. So blame, talking over each other. The next one is defensive ninja moves. I mean, I love the sound of that, but it's not good. So why own up to anything when you can dodge them, deflect them, or defend them like a pro? So just remember, even the best defense eventually leads to a broken offense and a lonely dinner for one. So I love this saying, defense is the first act of war. And it's really true. So if you're constantly just in defensive mode as opposed to really listening to what the intention is with the other person, it's the first act of war. Defense is the first act of war, always. Well, the Gottmans, they study relationships

and have written a number of really great books. They talk about the four horsemen of the apocalypse. And they can actually predict who's going to get divorced with like 90% accuracy. And being defensive is one of those four things, along with being condescending. I know that would not work with you. Criticism.

If I want my way with you and I tell you what's wrong with you, I'm never getting my way. No, same. Notice what you like way more than what you don't like. And stonewalling. I remember in one of my prior relationships, I noticed someone who was cute. In fact, it was Monday night football. The Rams were playing the Pittsburgh Steelers and they showed the cheerleaders and this is what I did. I went, whoa. That was it. It was not even a full word.

It was, whoa. Didn't talk to me for three weeks. That is an example of stonewalling. Sounds like you touched on an insecurity. And so many men, women, if their partner notices somebody that's attractive, they feel jealous. They feel less than, they feel belittled. That sounds like a deeper issue in the relationship. Well, it's insecurity. Or something else has happened. If I notice someone or you notice someone, it's like, do you think she's cute?

I know. I'm always like, do you think that girl's cute? You're like, I don't know. I didn't notice. But I don't feel like I'm going to get punished because my brain reacts to something that's attractive. That's human nature. I didn't like go give her my phone number or anything like that. But it's, and so the next one is cheating, lying, mistrust.

Right, because if that happens. You want to end your marriage fast. Right. Erode trust. But if you never allow your partner to actually have a thought that they actually have, that decreases communication. Well, I was going to say, because reacting really strongly to someone doing that could be a sign, A, that they're insecure, or B, that they've had problems in the relationship with cheating, so with infidelity. So you don't know which one it is, but that needs to be addressed. If you guys want to stay together, that's got to be addressed.

Are you struggling with anxiety, depression, obsessive thinking, past emotional trauma adhd or brain fog and don't know where to turn are your relationships a mess and you don't know why have you had a brain injury concussion or just don't feel the same after covid is your memory worse than it was 10 years ago or do you have a parent or grandparent with dementia and want to work on prevention? Yes, prevention is possible, but the sooner you start, the better. For 35 years, we've been changing people's brains and their lives using brain spec imaging and a personalized, natural approach to brain and mental health care. And we have some of the best published outcomes anywhere. Go to amenclinics.com

to learn more. And when you call us, mention podcast 10 for a 10% discount. So I like the mnemonic relating. I think it's so helpful. So the R is responsibility, right? So if you want to ruin a relationship, blame the other person for the problems in your relationship. E is empathy. See things from their point of view. So if you want to ruin the relationship, never see things from their point of view. And the word narcissist is being thrown around like candy today. Oh, he's a narcissist. She's a narcissist. Well, what is a narcissist? Is they can't get outside of their own head and see things from the other person's point of view. They have no empathy, right? If you agree with them, they love you.

If you push against them, you're the worst thing that ever lived, right? So get outside of yourself. So important, which then goes to the L, which is listening. You want to ruin a relationship, talk over the other person. And too often people wear Teflon, especially the persistent brain types. So if you want to know about your relationships, take the brain health assessment. There's 16 brain types. And the persistent type, when you say something, they don't absorb it. It just bounces right back at you.

It's sort of like they're wearing Teflon. You say something, it's like, no, you do that. And they never let it sink in. It reminds me of when you're on the playground when you're a kid, and it's like, well, I know you are, but what am I? You just keep saying that it's like um so we practice active listening when somebody says something don't respond to it just repeat it back and listen if you want your children to talk to you

talk less what did somebody say today you have two eyes two ears and one mouth use them accordingly use them accordingly um i love that so a is assertiveness and this is going to sound really odd if you want to ruin your relationship always give in to the other person because you're going to end up feeling bitter and trampled on and like you have no power and you're going to look for another relationship. So I actually think this is really important, especially for women to learn this, because I have a number of friends that I've like worked on with this because, you know, women go to lunch and we talk and if you, so there's a saying good, good fences make good neighbors. And it really, that really is reflecting the idea of assertiveness and boundaries, right? So, and so many women are not taught to be assertive because we're taught to be

sweet, cute little girls and keep our mouths shut. I was never taught that, unfortunately, or fortunately. Not from your mother. No, definitely not. So, but if you don't, if you don't learn how to set boundaries and you don't learn in a healthy way, then it's going to come out in a really unhealthy way. And then you hear words like passive aggressive or, you know, all these other things, it comes out in very unhealthy ways. And then I'll hear some of my friends talking about being in fights with their husband and I, and I'll, they're, we're talking about it and they're describing it. And I'm like, that's not really a great way to handle that. If you want to stay married, because what they'll do is, you know, if you don't draw boundaries, all of a sudden it's like, well, he should have known. Well, did you tell him? Well, no, he should have known. Really? Where does that come from? I don't draw boundaries, all of a sudden it's like, well, he should have known. Well, did you tell him? Well, no, he should have known.

Really? Where does that come from? I don't know. He should have known. I don't know. Because he has a completely different hormone set in his head. I don't know. Right?

And he has a completely different experience growing up. But I hear that all the time. And then they're passive aggressive. He should have known. Right. We teach people how to treat us i'm very clear by what we tolerate you should write that down we treat we teach people how to treat us by what we tolerate and you're actually very assertive but you're you do it in a way that's

firm right firm and kind and kind but i say, you also have to balance that with, there's a difference between assertive and aggressive, right? So there's a fine line. And you have to realize there's a difference. Because if you come from a background where you've had to survive, sometimes you can border on aggressive at times. And that's sort of an EQ issue eq issue or training you can get training for that so learning how to draw healthy boundaries where you're assertive and not aggressive

and also not a doormat so that it ends you end up being passive aggressive i think for so many women this is an issue because of their anxiety it's just they're so anxious they give in. And you've been taught, but they're so anxious they give in and end up resenting. And I don't know if most people know of the people who file for divorce, 75% are women. Because we tolerate, tolerate, tolerate, done. Well, but it's also because you have greater access to the right side of your brain. So the right side of the brain is the part of the brain that recognizes trouble, that recognizes problems. The left side of the brain is a bit in denial, and it's the happier side of the brain.

You're kidding. So I'm more left-sided, you're more right-sided. And women have a larger corpus callosum. So that's the highway track that connects the left side with the right side, which is why in part women have twice the amount of depression as men and why they file for divorce more because they're like, they're unhappy and they'll say it once, but in their head, they'll think they said it a thousand times. And it's so interesting, the gender differences. I know you're not supposed to talk about that these days, but know the truth.

The truth will set you free. Male brains are different than female brains. The T in relating is time. You want to ruin a relationship? Never spend time together. Oh, for sure. Never have a date. Oh, for sure.

Never, like every morning. My mother used to say this very interesting thing to me, probably something a mother shouldn't say to her child, but if you don't take care of your man, someone else will. Just let that sink in. Yeah. Um, and, and part of that is time. I mean, obviously the intimacy matters too, but you've got it. You've got to put the time in. You've got to, you've got to nurture the relationship. You know, the grass is greener where it's watered. Well, when couples have children, all of a sudden the children get all the time and the couple begins to drift apart. And my mom was actually really good about this.

He's going to be here after you're gone. He's first, you're second. Oh, that's funny. It was so clear. Time is very important. And so many people look to someone else outside their marriage because they're like, well, my spouse just doesn't understand me. They're not spending time with me. And maybe they're not spending time with you, but they think it's going to be different. And rather than investing in their own relationship and trying to fix it and trying to invest in it, they think it's going to be different. And they just repeat cycles over and over again. The next one is inquire,

which basically means check your thoughts. If you want to ruin your relationship, believe every stupid thing you think. My wife never listens to me. I've had that thought. And if I wouldn't challenge that thought, I would feel isolated, alone, angry. But when I challenge that thought, is that true? No. You've listened to me a lot over the years, right? I've written 18 national public television specials. You've listened to every script. You've critiqued it with love.

It's the unquestioned thoughts that ruin relationships. Well, and I have an example of that. So sometimes, sometimes the things we think and feel have nothing to do with what we're actually thinking and feeling. So this happened the other day with us and we were, we were walking and we were talking about something and it kind of went off, it kind of went off the rails and I was having a bad day. It was one of those days where I was grieving. I had a lot going on. I was taking care of business that, you know, and I was just stressed. And I said something and I'm like, it didn't go well. And so I was like, we went, you

know, I took a minute and I went and I questioned my own thoughts. And I realized, I'm like, I didn't mean to say that. I meant to say like, like, because I was frustrated and sad, something else came out, but that's not really what I was feeling and thinking. And so I remember I just, I said to you, that's not what I meant. This is what I meant. What I really meant to say is I'm hurt and I'm sad

and I'm, you know, all these things are going on. And what came out is, you know, sort of lashing out. And so it's just so important to really to really pay attention what are you really thinking and feeling and is what you said true yeah i was trying to help rather than listening right i was in the left side of my brain it's like here's the problem okay there's a solution and that was not what you needed at the moment well i was just sad and so i just you know yeah the n is notice what you like more than what you don't like so if you want to ruin a relationship notice what you don't like over and over and over again because that's what you're

going to get is what you don't like every day you're either either reinforcing positive stuff or you reinforce negative stuff. I think we're really good at noticing what we like. And then the G is grace and forgiveness. So you want to ruin your relationship? Hold on to what his mother did 15 years ago. That's funny. Like hold onto it and then beat him with it or beat her with it. Yeah. And I think if you're going to stay married, you have to have a very short memory. But women do not have short memories. They have a larger hippocampus than men do. Maybe that's why they file for divorce 70% of the time. They have a larger hippocampus,

which means she's still thinking about that thing that happened years and years ago. It's true. Most of the time, you're really good about that. When I'm not good about it is if it happens over and over again. That's when I'm not good about it is if it happens over and over again. Then it's, yeah, that's when I'm not good about letting something go. Okay. So just to summarize, blame is a clear way to ruin your relationships.

Take no responsibility. The opposite side, the question is, what is it I can do today to make this better? The E is empathy never see something from their point of view think of narcissism or ask yourself if i was in his shoes or i was in her shoes how would i think about this or what would I do? The L is just talk over each other. That is just death, as we saw in La La Land. It's just death. The positive thing is repeat back what you hear. Don't react quickly.

Go, hmm, I think you're saying this. Because most people can talk themselves through their conversations. When you try to take over, it's not awesome. And the funny thing about assertiveness is you think, oh, being angry and bossy is bad. And it is. But letting someone run over you is you're teaching them that's okay being angry and bossy isn't being assertive that's that that's that was the difference i was talking about between assertive and aggressive being being assertive is like no no just no And I'm not going to do that. And I really like, if you do something at a party, not that we go to a lot of parties, that I don't like, I will tell you.

And likewise, you will tell me. And rather than just get defensive, we're like, oh, I'm so sorry. It's never my intention. Right. I think that's so important. Time. Have time. Actual physical time.

You want to ruin a relationship? Don't spend any time with that person. I is inquire. You want to ruin a relationship? Believe every stupid thing you think. And if you want a great relationship, clean up the ant infestation in your head, which means you got to question your automatic negative thoughts. And notice what you like more than what you don't. You want to ruin it? Notice what you don't like

more than what you like. You'll ruin it quickly enough because people just feel diminished, beaten down grace and forgiveness. Hold on to hurts. That'll ruin it. So I think you've already mentioned a little bit about being condescending, but I think it's really important because if you, um, really talk down to your partner, make them feel small, um, or like, like they're just clueless, um, you might think you're going to get your own way and you might by yourself because eventually, you know, nobody wants to be, nobody wants to be treated that way. No one wants to feel that way. So, um, you know, people eventually feel like, well, why am I here to feel that way. So, um, you know,

people eventually feel like, well, why am I here? Like, well, why are we, you know, it just makes them feel unimportant. So being condescending is, is a really quick way to ruin a relationship. Teenagers are often that way to their parents. Oh, I roll. Yeah. I rolls are just, you know, and I often ask the teenagers like, what's your goal in this relationship? Is it separation or is it closeness? Another one mentioned is contempt. It's the poisonous cocktail that leads to divorce. Nothing speeds up a breakup like treating your partner with contempt. Mix in some sneer, sarcasm, and snark, and watch your relationship wither faster

than you can say irreconcilable differences. Yeah, I think another one is criticism. So I think you've already touched on this, like noticing what you like more than what you don't like. Because if you're criticizing, it's just a fast track to divorce. So, um, if you're criticizing their outfit choices or, you know, or whatever their food, how they chew, whatever it is, if you can't find a positive way to bring

up things that are bothering you, you've got to do it with love and sometimes with delicacy, you know, someone with diplomacy, because if you're doing it in a critical way, you're going to push them away from you. Another way to ruin a relationship is think of love as just a feeling, right? Oh, this is one of my, this is one of my- Wrong. If you treat love like a fleeting emotion instead of a responsibility, don't be surprised when that in love feeling packs its bags and leaves you high and dry. That's actually one of my top ones, I think, in relationships is

I hear people say all the time, I fell out of love. I just don't feel it anymore. And I'm like, whoever told you you were going to feel the same thing for 30, 40, 50 years. Love to me is not a feeling. It's an action. It's something you do. It's a choice you make just like happiness is a choice you make. It's something you do every day. So if you're just waiting for, you know, these, these butterflies to happen, then you're just going to be looking for someone different all the time. Cause that does, that's not how it is. You want that person that's going to be there for you through the good times, the bad times, the hard times. You've got to put that work into it.

It's an action. It's not just about you. So one of my favorite ones that fits this podcast really well, change your brain every day. No forethought equals no foreplay. For all the lovers out there this one's simple skipping um your frontal lobes where you're not thinking about what you say before you say it or what you do before you do it that will blow blow up a relationship. This is why brain health is so important. And remember, she remembers everything. She doesn't let it go.

She doesn't. Right. And this is why I'm not a fan of alcohol because alcohol drops your frontal lobes. Your frontal lobes are like the break in your brain. And people don't understand this. Your brain is a sneaky organ. We all have weird, crazy, stupid, sexual, violent thoughts that nobody should ever hear. Right? It's just the random noise. And then people, when you drink, you say it and the person remembers it for the rest of their lives. So don't say things that do not fit the

goals you have for the relationship. No forethought equals no foreplay take care of your brain with a better brain you have a better life, a better relationship. So let's just, before we stop, go through simple practical tips to change their brain every day to have better relationships. So I think if I had one, what do you want? Yeah. And does it fit? So I want a kind, caring, loving, supportive, passionate relationship.

So intentionality. All the time. I want that every day, all day. But I have rude thoughts. And I don't say them. Because one, I don't drink and it doesn't fit, right? Just because you have a crazy thought, you don't have to say it. It's okay to like, oh, does it fit? So for me, women's minds never, their brains never stop. We just never stop. It's like a mouse

on a wheel and it just goes and goes and goes and goes. And we have a million thoughts every day. So I think one of the things that really is helpful is writing down the negative thoughts and really questioning them. I do that all the time. Now I'm to the point where I can just question them quickly. I don't have to write them all down, but it's like, I get these thoughts in my head and they're not helpful. And so I just, you know, it's like, that's not true. Like, and that's why, that's why I get really good at apologizing or sending a text or cause it's like, I know that was stupid. I know that that was like, it's not true. Um, but we just get these thoughts in our head. So just being, being masterful at quickly questioning those thoughts.

It's not the thoughts you have that make you suffer. It's the thoughts you attach to. Yeah. And one of my favorite strategies is give your mind a name so you can just get some distance from the noise, the chatter in your head. Well, I love you so much. I love you too. So if you found this helpful, we're grateful.

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