Change Your Brain Every Day - Top Communication Techniques to Improve & Heal Relationships

Episode Date: August 20, 2018

So many of our problems in life are the result of poor communication. Fortunately, communication skills can be improved with the proper guidance. In this episode of The Brain Warrior’s Way Podcast, Dr. Daniel Amen and Tana Amen give techniques you can learn that will help you to have more functional and meaningful interactions and improve the quality of relationships in your life.

Welcome to the Brain Warriors Way podcast. I'm Dr. Daniel Amen. And I'm Tana Amen. Here we teach you how to win the fight for your brain to defeat anxiety, depression, memory loss, ADHD, and addictions. The Brain Warriors Way podcast is brought to you by Amen Clinics, where we've transformed lives for three decades using brain spec imaging to better target treatment and natural ways to heal the brain. For more information, visit amenclinics.com.

The Brain Warriors Way podcast is also brought to you by BrainMD, where we produce the highest quality nutraceutical products to support the health of your brain and body. For more information, visit brainmdhealth.com. Welcome to the Brain Warriors Way podcast. Welcome back. So I guess this week we are talking about attachment disorders and relationships and how they affect relationships. So we're calling this Attachment Week. Right. When your relationships are right, you're right. Right. And when your relationships are troubled, you have much more

trouble in your life. And ultimately, relationships are a function of how healthy your brain is. So of course, we'll talk a little bit about brain health in the process. We're going to divide this into three podcasts. One, we're going to talk about, well, what are the things that interfere with relationships? Then we're going to talk about something called reactive attachment disorder. These are kids and adults who have serious attachment problems. And then we're going to finish up by giving you some very specific tips on how to improve the quality of your relationships. Awesome. So before we start, I want to actually read this because this is cool. It says, everyone should know this is a testimonial from beyond tired. That's the first, that's what they call themselves.

This information here has been eyeopening. While we all know parts of it, the explanations have cemented so much of that knowledge. The discussions are well presented, which is not an easy thing with some of these topics. And I feel like you talk to us, not at us. Thanks. So yeah, some of the topics are not always easy. And today, some of it's going to probably get a little heavy, but that's okay. Well, so when I first started doing the imaging work in 1991, so I'm a classically trained adult adolescent child psychiatrist. And as part of my training, I always like to do couples therapy. But I had these

couples that they just weren't getting better. And when I started scanning people, I began to realize why they weren't getting better. Sometimes people had low frontal lobes, and so they were impulsive. So they just said the first thing that came into their mind, even if it was hurtful. Sometimes they were compulsive and they couldn't let go of hurts. Sometimes they had traumatic brain injuries that made them more irritable, excitable in a bad way. Sometimes they had things like bipolar disorder. If you just put your family in $30,000 of debt, your partner's going to be irritated with that. And so we realized that there was a brain component to it. And over the years, I did this really fun study. I called it the

Couples from Hell Study. People who failed marital therapy but still wanted to be together and what we found was almost 90 percent of them one or both people in the relationship had a brain that wasn't firing the best it could and that when we balance their brain their relationship was better. Yeah, no, it's really interesting. We did this great podcast with Michael Peterson and Jill Chambers, and it was amazing. If you haven't listened to it, you should listen to it. It's fantastic. And he was so honest about just some of the struggles he's had and how bad he felt about himself. And he thought he had these moral dilemmas. It's really good.

And it made me start thinking, because I've often felt that way about my childhood, my past. And struggles he's had and how bad he felt about himself and he thought he had these moral dilemmas and it's really good. And it made me start thinking, because I've often felt that way about my childhood, my past, and it's really interesting. You know, we're listening to this great series at church about parenting and families and it made me laugh because the truth is if you ever want to feel really good about yourself, read the Bible. And I don't mean that because like, oh, it's a sweet thing to do,

it's a good thing to do, and it's a positive message. I mean because like all these people are so dysfunctional that you'll actually feel good about yourself. Like, and it's so true. From the beginning of time, people have been, families have been so dysfunctional. And you know, you figure if that is even a biblical thing, like we can do better, right?

But the point being, this isn't new, you're not alone, so we need to be able to talk about these things. We need to be able to be very real about it, figure out a solution, figure out what's going on, and make it better. And it's often, brain health is often the missing link in why people are struggling in relationships. I wrote a book once called ADD in Relationships and really it's for many people it's the missing link on why people can't get better in their relationships because their frontal lobes

aren't working optimally. And so unconsciously- I mean, certainly King Davids were not. No, they weren't. Unconsciously, they can be drama-seeking, negative-seeking, excitement-seeking, and that can just wear out a relationship. Right. What I want to do now, and this comes from my new book, Feel Better Fast and Make It Last, talk about 10 ways communication is sabotaged in relationships.

And the first one is you have a bad attitude. So you expect the conversation to go nowhere. And subsequently, you don't even try to direct it in a positive way. So you assume negative things about the other person. And that really feeds into the bad relationship. Or it feeds into the negativity. So we've talked before about ants, automatic negative thoughts, the thoughts that come into your mind automatically and ruin your day. And often you read the other

person's mind as negative and you just have a bad attitude. And if you do that, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. And as soon as you hear what you think of is a negative tone you just go see and then people can just cut off well and this happened to me with someone yesterday um with someone i'm close to yesterday that did that and it did it shut down the it shut down the conversation i got my feelings hurt and i'm like, fine, like I'm done because, because that very thing happened. It just, it shuts down a conversation and then it takes time to sort of cool down and pull it all back together. Right. And you can only pull it back together if both people are sort of sophisticated and mature enough to do that. Well, you know, what I found

as a psychiatrist, and it surprised me because people often say, well, it takes two to make a relationship. That's sort of not my experience as a psychiatrist. That's true. That's actually true. Because I often have, you know, say a husband and wife are really struggling and she's willing to come in, but he's not. Or sometimes it's the other way around. And I find when I work with her or I work with him individually, they can often make a radical shift in the relationship. You know, I always say things like, well, there are ways to say things and there are ways to say things. You know, I know within six seconds I can get you to yell at me. But you don't. But I choose not to. Right.

Right? But I'm powerful. Yeah, except when you're just being annoying. Like when you want to show people, like you just want to like, what is that? We're on vacation and you look at our niece one time and you're like, watch this. You want to see this? Like I can get her to scream within six seconds. Why do you do that? Because she was having trouble with her mother this. You want to see this? Like I can get her to scream within six seconds. Why do you do that?

Because she was having trouble with her mother and I want to go, look, there are ways to say things. So don't use me. Go use somebody else. Why are you doing that? Just starting trouble for no reason? So... You are a troublemaker.

I am, absolutely. Bad attitude is one. Yeah. Second one is unclear expectations or needs. Do you expect people to guess at what you want or need? See, I'm very clear. Is it great when others anticipate your needs? It is great.

But most people are so busy, it's hard for them to see the needs of the other person. And so they're just reacting out of their own pain. But I will tell you, sometimes when you are very clear, people can take it. They can also get a little intimidated by that. Well, especially from you. Yeah, and I don't know why. It's not like I'm very clear.

Is it the red air? No, I'm just clear. I'm very clear. Is it the red air? No, I'm just clear. I'm clear. The third one is no reinforcing body language. Like, you're not paying attention. You'll often, you know, if I'm texting while we're talking. Hello, get off your phone. Put it down.

I'm not going to compete with the mistress. That's very clear. So that we are more distracted than ever in relationships, and I'm guilty. Yeah, no, it's the mistress. The phone. Yes. That's what we're talking about is the phone. But that can impact relationships, and you've actually been very clear.

Oh, no, and I'm not going to, like, me and a mistress, I will win. Well, so that actually goes to number four, which is competing with distractions. I will win. So, which means if it's the fourth quarter of the Lakers game, you probably shouldn't come into my office and go, I need to talk about this now. That's different. I won't do that. I'm not that stupid. Five is never asking for feedback on what you're saying.

It's, you know, people, we make these assumptions. And I know a lot of you have seen what happens to the word assume when you break it up. And make an ass of you and me. Make an ass of you and me when you assume things. Because even if you know someone really well, you cannot read their mind. No, and one thing that actually irritates me is women are like, well, you should know that. That's actually irritating. Don't do that.

Women, don't do that. It's irritating. What I find really destructive is six. I call it kitchen sinking. into a corner and bring up unrelated issues from the past in order to protect themselves or to intensify the argument and disagreement. And so try not to do that. I call them the big bucket of smelly fish. I mean, everybody's got a bucket of smelly fish, right? From things that have hurt you from the past. But every time you bring them up, it really causes the relationship to stink. Mind reading, where you arbitrarily predict

what the other person is thinking, even though they haven't told you. So you're projecting your thoughts onto them. So even if you've been married 30 years, it's really impossible to know what's going on with the other person. Oh, you're thinking this or you're. Check it out.

For my cingulate people where their frontal lobes work too hard, number eight is having to be right. So when you have to be right in a conversation, there's no communication. Does that include I told you so? Oh, my God. But that's because I am right. I say that when I am right so? Oh my God. But that's because I am right. I say that when I am right, not because I have to be right. I just am. Sorry.

I have no words. I'm just telling you it's not helpful. If you want to be right. But it feels so good. So you really have to ask yourself what's the goal? If you want to be right. But it feels so good. I mean, so you really have to ask yourself, what's the goal? Is the goal to be right because your self-esteem is so low that you have to be right in order to feel good about themselves? Look, honesty, we promise to be honest here.

And I just, I told you so is just one of my things. Sparring is number nine. Using put-downs or sarcasm or discounting someone else's ideas erodes meaningful dialogue and sets up distance. That's actually a really destructive one. Relationships. Have you ever been in a relationship where it felt like you were in a fight all the time? Oh, my God. Every freaking day. And you just, it just, you don't want to walk in the door.

Have you? Yes, I have. It's not fun. No, I won in the door. Have you? Yes, I have. It's not fun. No, I won't do that. No, it's terrible. And putting active listening can help so much to decrease the spark. Byron Katie said the first act of war is defense, which means if you start getting defensive with the other person.

It's not an easy thing to do, but if you can just go, yep, you're right. It's really not. It takes a lot of practice, but or whatever, you know, it just. And number 10 is lack of monitoring and follow up. Often it takes repeated efforts to get what you need. It's very important not to give up. Often it takes repeated efforts to get what you need. It's very important not to give up. When you give up asking for what you need, you often silently resent the other person, which subverts the whole relationship. See, I'm good. I don't give up asking.

Persistence is very important to getting what you want. Neither one of us give up asking for what we need. No. And that's, I think, why we have a good relationship. There's actually four communication styles before we have to stop. So one is called active and constructive. That's enthusiastic support, eye contact where you're authentic. It's the most effective way of communication. Another one is called passive and constructive. So low energy, quiet, delay your response.

That often causes people to get depressed. And then destructive, active, which is you squash anything positive. They don't believe you. It dismisses you. I have somebody in my life who I'll go, oh, this cool thing happened. She'll immediately go to the negative and diminish it. And I'm like, do you have to do that? You know, that sort of hurts my feelings. I mean, what's the payoff for that? Or passive destructive, where you turn the focus inward and you just ignore the speaker. It's like they said something, but you didn't react to it at all.

So if you want to improve the quality of your relationships, we're going to talk about that. Active, constructive. And think about what's the goal. Like our goals. That's one thing we actually start off with a lot when we're having discussions is what's the goal? What's the outcome? And the goal for me, and I think for you always, is to have a kind, caring, loving, supportive, passionate relationship. And that's

actually a really good one when you're talking to kids because kids aren't, like with us, we both have some, you know, we're both more psychologically savvy. We have more training. But with kids, you're talking to kids and they don't have that, right? So you really have to ask yourself, what's the goal here? Do I want to hang on to this? Do I want to be right? Because you have to ask yourself what the goal is, or you're going to get really frustrated talking to teenagers and kids. You have to ask yourself constantly, what's the goal? What's the goal?

That's what I find myself doing a lot. And bonding relationships really require two things. Hand-holding of three fingers. Two things. Time, actual physical time. It's impossible to have a close relationship if you don't have some time and the ability to listen and communicate effectively. So stay with us. When we come back, we're going to talk about reactive attachment disorders where relationships can really go south from the beginning. Stay with us. Use the code podcast10 to get a 10% discount on a full evaluation at amenclinics.com

or on our supplements at brainmdhealth.com. Thank you for listening to the Brain Warriors Way podcast. Go to iTunes and leave a review and you'll automatically be entered into a drawing to get a free signed copy of the Brain Warriors Way and the Brain Warriors Way cookbook we give away every month.