Change Your Brain Every Day - Trauma + “Being Polite” – Finding Your Voice

Episode Date: December 9, 2020

A traumatic incident from Tana’s past, as referenced from her new book “The Relentless Courage of a Scared Child”, taught her that finding her voice could be a powerful weapon. Ever since, she��s found using her voice like a sword allowed her to express herself and to fight back against forces of harm. In this episode of the podcast, Tana and Dr. Amen discuss the concept of finding and using your voice, and why it can be so important for those dealing with anxiety, depression, or trauma.  For more information on Tana's new book, "The Relentless Courage of a Scared Child", visit relentless courage.com For info on Tana Amen's upcoming free live virtual event, visit tanaamen.com/event  

Welcome to the Brain Warriors Way podcast. I'm Dr. Daniel Amen. And I'm Tana Amen. In our podcast, we provide you with the tools you need to become a warrior for the health of your brain and body. The Brain Warriors Way podcast is brought to you by Amen Clinics, where we have been transforming lives for 30 years using tools like brain spec imaging to personalize treatment to your brain. For more information, visit amenclinics.com. The Brain Warriors Way podcast is also brought to you by BrainMD, where we produce the highest quality nutraceuticals to support the health of your brain and body. To learn more, go to Brainmd.com. Welcome back. We are so grateful that you're with us and we're continuing on the last week for the relentless courage of a scared child. I have so many reviews to listen to. You have to pick one.

This is from MH521. I've been tuning into their podcast now for a little while, and it's not only been very informative, but also very inspirational and empowering. Ever since my concussion, I've been seeking out many natural supplements and diet changes to help my recovery. Dr. Amen and Tana Amen's podcast have been instrumental in helping manifest positive change in my mental health and well-being. I look forward to listening to more podcasts and consider both of them partners in my recovery. So today we're going to talk about finding your voice.

Isn't that when you post about finding your voice that you get a lot of comments? I do. And that sort of surprised me. I didn't realize how many people, how many women especially struggle with that. But I don't know why that surprises me because we're told to be polite and be quiet. Most of our lives from the time we're little, it's like, be polite, be quiet, be a good little girl. And so when you told that, because of my five sisters, nobody told them to be quiet. They were not quiet. I go over my mom's and if everybody's there, I'm like, wow. Yeah. No, I think, I think, I think societally we teach our girls to be polite and quiet and we teach our boys to be powerful. And yeah.

And so one of the reasons I love martial arts for women so much is because, you know, we key I loud, we hit stuff and it's empowering. As opposed to disempowering. But when I was young, I don't think I was taught that necessarily because my mom was pretty intense. But she is not quiet. She is not quiet. And your daughter is not quiet. Well, I intentionally taught her that. So I intentionally taught her to use her voice.

I always said, use your words. I would not let her get away with whining, pouting. It's like you're not getting it until you use your words. I would not let her get away with whining, pouting. It's like, you're not getting until you use your words. So that was- She had 12 word sentences when she was two. Right. And I never used baby talk. I never used baby talk with her. So in fact, even at four, when we would go to the doctor's office, I would make her talk to the doctor. So I never wanted her to think that just because someone was in a position of authority that she didn't have the right to speak up. But I was a very timid child. So I was really timid when I was little because I, not because someone told me, um, it may have even been

partially because my mom was so powerful, but I discovered that because of all the chaos in my life, it was safer to hide. It was just, I was afraid. So it was, I was, it was safer to just go away and hide somewhere. You know, she also has ADD, which we've talked about and she was not a good listener and would often talk over you. And if you have ADD, what you really want to work on is listening. I had to work on that. My daughter important. Yeah.

Because when no one hears you and it could be, you know, your mom or dad, their intention was great, but they didn't have the ability to inhibit the first thought that came into their head. And the more language they use, the more it often shuts people down. Yeah. Well, in my house, there was just yelling, screaming, chaos, drugs, people breaking in. I mean, it was just nuts. So I just, I figured out that it was easier to hide. And it wasn't until I was molested when I was 12, a word I can finally say, that I realized being nice is not going to cut it. Now, at first, I went to an extreme other direction with it. I was this very attitudinal teen who was not very nice. I used my voice a lot, but probably not in a very helpful way, not very constructive way. But I thought it

was better than being hurt. I was tired of being hurt. I was tired of being overseen. And so I went to an extreme. And so I could cut someone down pretty quick. And so I, it was this like sword that I was going to use. I use my voice as a sword, basically. It was like to keep people away from me um it took time just like a knight uses a sword for you know to protect but not to just intentionally harm it took time to learn to do that that that was skill um but initially it was hard but learning how to draw boundaries is such an important thing well in another part of the book where finding your voice was so important was working in the ICU at Loma Linda. Oh yeah. That was, yeah, that was a whole nother thing, but I want to go back really quickly. So my mom never told me to be polite when I was

little because she didn't have to, because I was timid. When I found my voice, I was suddenly told be polite. And so what happened was after I was molested, I have an encounter with my stepdad. I never thought I'd have to see him again or talk to him again. And so my mom did a great job. She protected me. She believed me. And then I have this moment where I have to talk to him.

And it was like a sucker punch. I hear his voice and I didn't really, I was like, whoa, I never, I didn't expect that to happen. And so it shocked me when I heard his voice on the phone. And I was like, whoa, I never, I didn't expect that to happen. And so it shocked me when I heard his voice on the phone and I was very rude. I was very rude and I still don't feel bad for it. But anyways, um, I was very rude and I yelled at him and my mom came around the corner and was like, Tana, be polite. And she sort of hissed it at me. Now there are a lot of reasons she did that, right? I, the loss of control, the change, the sudden change in me shocked her. Um, and so she didn't know what to do with that, but

I was resentful to her. I was, I held a lot of resentment toward her for a long time because of that tan to be polite. And so it took me time. In your life, did you lose your voice? I think it would be good to think about it. And then how do you think you got your voice back in a rational? Yeah, it was a roller coaster. I mean, it took time. So therapy was one. I mean, I started, I love martial arts, like I said, therapy for sure. Doing intentional training when you become a parent, dear Lord, I mean, parent training, there's no book, but, but I intentionally, right. I intentionally started seeking out parent training because they don't come with an instruction manual.

And when you're, when you are gifted a strong willed child, you have no choice, but to figure out how to temper your own frustration because you got to learn how to temper theirs, how to guide theirs. Well, and actually we have a great announcement that Amen University, Amen Clinics, Tan and I, we just became the exclusive distributors for Love and Logic, the parenting program that I always say saved my daughter's life. That's why we got involved with them. That's why we did this. But I intentionally took communication courses for that reason. So it was intentional on my part to take communication

courses. It's like, I've got this voice now, what do I do with it? Yeah. But Love and Logic was a very important part of that because it taught you that you can be firm. Well, I think of it as a communication course. You can be firm and kind and help really plant responsibility into children. It's about coaching. It's not about taking control. It's about coaching children. It's about coaching. It's not about taking control. It's about coaching. And it, it, it helped me so much because it's like, and it works not just with kids. It works like it really is a communication course. So it's, it's almost like when you are in this, uh, power struggle with someone, you're both tugging on this rope.

And what it teaches you is to let the rope go. So you let the rope go and you let the person pay consequences. So you don't try to be in a power struggle. It's like you let the rope go, whatever happens, they need to pay the consequences for, and you're just there to coach them. You're there to love them, use empathy and coach them through it. And to create competent people, which is why. So in the near future, we're going to do a whole week of podcasts with Charles and Jim Fay. And just talk about our excitement partnering with them. Some of my favorite humans. Because one of the most stressful things you'll ever do is raise children. Especially now.

Especially now. Well, they're home. So elevating your skill is just so important. All right. Finding your voice. So I'm so grateful to all of you for joining me on this journey. I would love to hear from you. Love to hear if you've been struggling, if you had feel like you had your voice taken away, or if you have your voice, how did you find it? Please write to me, tag me. You can find me on Instagram or Facebook. Also go to brainwarriorswaypodcast.com. Leave us questions, comments, and we would love it if you left us a review. We just need to tell them about the event.

We have been, December 12th. It's free overcoming anxiety, depression, trauma, and grief. We have great speakers. Pastor Derwin gray, who we just adore. Dr.

Carolyn leaf, Dr. Sharon may JJ virgin and you and me. And so December 12th, if you go to tanayman.com forward slash event, you can sign up for free. And we will enter you into a drawing to win a free evaluation with SpecsCamp at Amen. Stay with us. If you're enjoying the Brain Warriors Way podcast, please don't forget to subscribe so you'll always know when there's a new episode. Stay with us. supplements from BrainMD. You can use the code PODCAST10 to get a 10% discount on a full evaluation at amenclinics.com or a 10% discount on all supplements at brainmdhealth.com.

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