Change Your Brain Every Day - Use Your Brain to Give Your Love Life a Boost

Episode Date: April 1, 2019

Although the concept of love may at times be hard to define, there’s no question it plays a defining role in all relationships, from global society all the way down to the most intimate of partnerships. In this first episode of a series on the many faces of love, Dr. Amen and Tana are joined by Amen Clinics’ own Natalie Buchoz for a discussion on EROS, which is the sensual, romantic version of love.

Welcome to the Brain Warriors Way podcast. I'm Dr. Daniel Amen. And I'm Tana Amen. In our podcast, we provide you with the tools you need to become a warrior for the health of your brain and body. The Brain Warriors Way podcast is brought to you by Amen Clinics, where we have been transforming lives for 30 years using tools like brain spec imaging to personalize treatment to your brain. For more information, visit amenclinics.com. The Brain Warriors Way podcast is also brought to you by BrainMD, where we produce the highest quality nutraceuticals to support the health of your brain and body. To learn more, go to brainmd.com. Welcome everybody.

We have a very special love infused week on the Brain Warriors Way podcast. We have a very special guest. I wore my special love shirt. Love that. Yes. I wore my special love shirt. Love that. But before we introduce Natalie, this is Zane here. Do you want to read it? We have a testimonial. I'm so relieved and more than glad that I found a book by Dr. Amon that was on its way to the trash.

Oh, no. I firmly believe that Daniel saved my life from laziness, unmotivated lifestyle, negative thinking, obesity, and maybe homelessness. Wow. Thanks for existing, Dr. Amon. That's why we do what we do. To save you from the bad habits that will steal your life. So Natalie is our social media director and Natalie's a graduate from USC which has been in the news a lot recently. And one of my favorite people.

But we just adore her and it was your idea actually to interview the two of us about love. And welcome to the Brain Warriors Way podcast. Thank you. I'm so excited to be here. You know, we talk a lot about relationships at the clinic, you know, emotional relationships, physical relationships, friendships. And I thought it would be awesome to talk to our viewers about how they can strengthen their relationships, not just with their partners, maybe with their family and other people in their life. So let's get started. We wanted to break this podcast into four different episodes, and each episode we're going to be talking about a different type of love. So the first type of love we're going to be talking about is called eros, and eros is the Greek word for sensual or romantic love. So who better to talk about that than two happily married people, the Amens.

Daniel had talked a little bit about this in his PBS special where you broke out the four different types of love. I thought it was so powerful. So let's get started. I wanted to talk a little bit to the Amens about what they do every day to stay connected physically, emotionally. If you have any type of rituals that you guys do together that you'd like to share with us. Let's get started. I think we have a lot. Yes, you do.

You want to start? Well, I think we actually are, number one, conscious of it. So we actually talk a lot. Which is the first most important thing. Right. So we actually talk a lot about what kind of relationship we want to have. And then what do you have to do to have that kind of a relationship? Right.

So we use our brains. Right. We actually program our brains to tell us what we want. Right. And when we first got together, and it was a rocky first year. She comes, she goes. Yeah, I think it's important people know that. Yeah.

And it wasn't instantaneous. It wasn't instantaneous chemistry, although totally it was for me. It just wasn't for her. So wait, wait. But I want to explain to you the concept of alchemy. Right. That we were very fond of each other. Right.

Immediately. Right. We're very fond of each other. You made my heart go fast. Like, I just got shot with cocaine. And you didn't have the whole cocaine thing. But we were so fond of each other that one of our friends said, you don't need so much chemistry as you do alchemy.

Yes. And that was a game changer. Huge, it was. And I need to explain something because I really liked you, but this is important for, I think, for a lot of people watching since you brought this out. If you are coming into a new

relationship with past trauma or past issues, I hate the word baggage, but past issues, it can really affect what you come into a new relationship or how you come into a new relationship. I had a lot of trauma, especially from a divorce I had just recently gone through. Um, it was really difficult. And so with going through that, it really affected how I trusted myself. And so if I can't trust myself, I certainly wasn't going to trust you. Right. And so based on that, I thought I'm never going through another divorce like that again. So I really had to be careful. I also didn't believe that someone like you really existed. So my template wasn't set for someone like him. So I kept thinking, okay, no one's that nice.

Honestly, no one's that nice because it wasn't my experience. So I kept waiting for the other shoe to fall. So I actively decided I don't want to go into relationships with those beliefs because I know how negative they are. And I went through a lot of therapy. And that was when it began to really shift into this idea of alchemy. And I went through a lot of therapy. And that was when it began to really shift into this idea of alchemy. And I think it's important for people to know that because I think they sabotage their own happiness and relationships because they think it's

got to be one way, but they're set up to sabotage it because of beliefs like, you know, he must be manipulative because nobody's that nice. Right. And I think, well, and actually what I tell people, I actually spent a lot of time this week with a number of my patients going, because they had really big trust issues. Yeah. And I said, and you're going to think this is terrible, but I absolutely believe it.

All of us are out for ourselves. It's just the more sophisticated you are, the harder it is to tell. Right. And initially that makes people really upset. But it's like just be honest and make sure your goals are aligned. So if we're all out for ourselves, I mean, I love you because I feel awesome when I love you because you love me back. That's okay.

You just want to make sure your goals are aligned. And then you have to tell your brain what you want. Right. And so we developed what is basically a little mission statement for our relationship. We want kind, caring, loving, supportive, passionate relationship with each other, even though we don't always feel like that. Yes. And one thing I tell my daughter.

But we always want it. We have to let her ask questions. But one thing I always tell Chloe is that you'll be happiest in life if you think of love as an action rather than a feeling. Right. So. I think, you know, one of the things that Daniel has said a lot, and I think it's so important for our listeners, is that, you know, coming up with somewhat of a mission statement, something that you live by every single day.

So Daniel talks about this a lot, and I think it's very funny, but it's it but it's so accurate in so many different relationships is like, you know, I may have a thought one day that, you know, Tana is not listening to me or Daniel's not listening to me. And I initially being charged, I want to act on that instead of kind of going back to, okay, but what do I want out of this relationship? I want a loving, kind, you know, relationship. And you know, the statement that I'm going to make now, is that going to reflect positively and get me what I want? By the way, the same holds true for teenagers. Don't say everything you think it is not going to get you what you want. All right. So it starts by programming your brain. What do you want?

Right. And then you ask yourself, I ask myself every day, does my behavior get me what I want? And that's not selfish because what I want are good things for my relationship with you, for my relationship with the people I get to work with, with my kids, with our business. Does my behavior get me what I want? Therefore, I'm not driven by my urges or by what culture says I should right. I'm driven in a goal-directed way, which is the front third of your brain. You have to program your prefrontal cortex and it will help you.

And you also have to not hurt it, which gets people into so many problems. Absolutely. Because they have trouble there. And I think, you know, a lot of shifting towards social media, a lot on social media, we talk about self-love and that's really huge right now. Is there anything that you do individually for yourselves, maybe independent of Daniel, that you live by? Yes. So first of all, I want to talk about that self-love.

I think there's a difference between self-centeredness and taking self-care. Right. So I really don't like some of the stuff on social media that really focuses on being self centered. Cause that can be very destructive. Right. Um, especially in a relationship,

but self care, like it's a joke between us. If I don't work out, he's like, you need to go work out. Cause I'm just not the same person. Right. I'm happier.

Well, it's an antidepressant. So for me, I use it as medicine. Right. So, so doing things like that, that,

you know, make you more grounded, more centered. I meditate. I have to do certain things that keep me. So I have to work a little harder and not letting the negative thoughts come in than he does. I always joke that he's got Mickey and Minnie in his head doing the waltz. It's the happiest place on earth, right? It's just ridiculous.

Like nothing bad can happen. That's not my head. That's not my childhood. That wasn't my past. It's not my experience. So I work a little harder at it. But it's just ridiculous. Like nothing bad can happen. Yes. That's not my head. That's not my childhood. That wasn't my past. It's not my experience. Right. So I work a little harder at it. So,

but it's still manageable. I just have to work at it. Daniel, is there anything that you do? Your, any self-help? Yeah, he wakes us.

Yeah, he wakes up happy. I start every day with today is going to be a great day. Right. And that way my mind finds why it's going to be a great day. I get to do this with both of you. So I do that. I end every day with what went well today. So I actually will say a prayer at night and then I'll go, what went well? Just trying to find three things because it sets my dreams up to be happier. So where you bring your attention determines how you feel.

And then I make her almond milk cappuccino in the morning. And I do that purposefully because it's just a simple act of love. And then we'll spend 10 minutes just sort of chatting. Yeah, we have our little group meeting in the morning, our family meeting. But he'll often say to me, did I tell you I love you today? I'm like, you made my cappuccino. Like it's to me, like even if we get busy, it's those little things that sort of make a difference. And, you know, that kind of segments to my next question.

But are there things that you two do daily that you have to, not that you have to do. But they're rituals. But they're rituals that you look forward to doing together. Maybe that's a walk. Maybe that's, you know, meditating together. Maybe it's having your morning together. It's the morning for sure. The morning time together.

We try to eat dinner together. Even though, like, he travels. And sometimes we're not able to because of that. Yeah. But we try to eat dinner as a family every night when we can. Even if we have to order out because we got home so late. Right. We eat together.

So. So, we eat together. So we will continue this in the next podcast. We want your relationships to be as loving as possible. It's so important. I always think the first part is know what you want and then two, be responsible for it. What is it I can do today? What is it you can do today to have a great relationship? If you're enjoying the Brain Warriors Way podcast, please don't forget to subscribe so you'll always know when there's a new episode. And while you're at it, feel free to give us a review or five-star

rating as that helps others find the podcast. If you're interested in coming to Amen Clinics, use the code PODCAST10 to get a 10% discount on a full evaluation at amenclinics.com. For more information, give us a call at 855-978-1363.