Change Your Brain Every Day - What a Penguin can Teach You About Being a Better Parent

Episode Date: May 13, 2020

When Dr. Amen took his son to Sea Life Park, the last thing he was expecting to get out of it was a lesson in parenting. But that’s exactly what he got, and he got it from a penguin! In the third episode in a series about parenting during a pandemic, Dr. Daniel Amen and Tana Amen discuss some of the many parenting lessons they’ve learned to be most effective.

Welcome to the Brain Warriors Way podcast. I'm Dr. Daniel Amen. And I'm Tana Amen. In our podcast, we provide you with the tools you need to become a warrior for the health of your brain and body. The Brain Warriors Way podcast is brought to you by Amen Clinics, where we have been transforming lives for 30 years using tools like brain spec imaging to personalize treatment to your brain. For more information, visit amenclinics.com. The Brain Warriors Way podcast is also brought to you by BrainMD, where we produce the highest quality nutraceuticals to support the health of your brain and body. To learn more, go to brainmd.com. So I was in a child psychiatry fellow at the time, which means I'm in training. I don't know anything about being a child psychiatrist. I'm learning

about it. And my supervisor said, you're not spending enough time with them and you have to notice what you like more than what you don't and then what i did is i took him to a place called sea life park in hawaii that's where i was living at the time loved it and it was just he and i that day and we went sea life park sort of like marine world or sea world and they had sea animal shows we went to the whale show and that was awesome and then we went to the dolphin show and that was cool and then the sea lion show and at the end of the day we went to the penguin show and the penguin's name was bat freddy and freddy was really cool um he comes out he climbs up a diving board that's like 20 feet in the air goes to the end there's um a diving board he bounces on the diving in the air, goes to the end. There's a diving board.

He bounces on the diving board and then he jumps in the water. And I hold my arm around my son. I'm like, so cool. And then he gets out of the water and he bowls with his nose. He counts with his flippers, jumps through a fire. And I'm like mesmerized with it. And then the trainer asked Freddie to go get something. Freddie goes and gets it and he brings it right back.

And in my mind, I went, damn, I asked this kid to get something for me and he wants to have a discussion for like 20 minutes. And then he doesn't want to do what I asked him to do. And I knew my son was smarter than the penguin. And so I went up to the trainer afterwards and I said, how'd you get Freddie to do all these really cool things? And she said, unlike parents,

whenever Freddie does anything like what I want him to do, I notice him. I give him a hug and I give him a fish. And the light went on in my head that even though my son didn't like raw fish now Chloe likes raw fish it's another story but even though my son didn't like raw fish what I realized is I was paying attention to him when he was doing wrong things rather than when he was doing right things. So I collect penguins as a way to remind myself to notice the good things about the people in my life

more than the bad things. What do you think Freddie would have done? Let's just say Freddie was having a bad day and the trainer asked him to go get something and he didn't do it. Well, what do you think Freddie would have done if the trainer would have gotten a big stick and started beating the penguin? He would have never performed for her again because he would not have trusted her. Do not be beating children. That is not smart. It's not helpful. It's not going to develop the kind of person that you want. I'm just, this is so important for us to do the right things. Discipline, really important. We're going to talk about that. I love love and logic. We'll talk about that. i love love and logic we'll talk about that notice what you like more than what you don't like and so a smile a hug um allowance um whatever you can do to notice their good behavior you're more likely to get good behavior back.

Right. I agree. Yeah. And I mean, I just don't know what else. So how do you notice the girl's good behavior? I mean, it's kind of not a fair question because we have really good kids. So we're really lucky, especially in a time like this. They, they, they really do try to be helpful. Even, I mean, one thing, you know, we are on top of each other, so there's needs to be a little more grace than usual. And I think we're going to talk about that as one of the things. Um, but mostly everybody's trying to help and by getting them involved, it makes it really easy. Having them involved in everything we're doing makes it really easy to encourage them, notice

what they're doing. Um, it's not really hard really hard with with them so i'm not sure it's fair but you still have to notice i noticed them yeah you still have to notice you still have to verbally say it out loud to them yeah so it's a hug right it's a smile thank you that was awesome that was so helpful it's a bonus for their allowance. And here's one way. We have very clear things, especially right now, expectations. Like Chloe helps make dinner.

She's the oldest one, so she helps make dinner. The others help, but they're not doing it entirely on their own. But they each have their own thing. Everybody's helping with certain things,

dishes and cleaning and all that stuff. And don't make dinner and then you do all the dishes. No, we do it together. We do it together as a family. And sometimes they'll try and sneak off and grab them because it not only goes faster,

but then they become competent in cooking. And so you're great at doing that. They become competent at keeping it clean, which is important during a pandemic. So one of the things that I would say about this, this topic is just because it's their chores and it's expected doesn't mean you still can't thank them and tell them they did a great job. So it's not like, well, you were supposed to do that. So why, you know, so I still. Yeah, no.

So even though it's their chore, even though they know. You get paid for going to work. So why do I have to tell you you did a good job? I still tell them they did a good job. I still say thank you. That's really helpful to the family. Like, I still, like, encourage that. Because it makes them want to do it. Okay.

Okay. So know what you want. Bonding. Critical. Rules. Structure. Notice what you like more than what you don't like. And then comes discipline.

So once you've done all those things, because if you start with time out, it's not very effective. You need to lay a foundation of a relationship in order to effectively parent during a pandemic. And if you've not been good at those things, take some time to work on these before you come down on people. And discipline is not yelling. It's not screaming. It's not hitting. Those are things that are not going to get you your goals for yourself as a parent or in raising healthy people. Right.

I agree. And so we came across a program that literally saved my daughter's life. It's called Save My Relationship With Her For Sure. And probably, probably saved her. She was not an easy child. Chloe was not an easy little child. Daniel used to say she was either going to be the leader of a gang or the leader of the free world.

We weren't sure which one. But she was going to lead something. It was very challenging. And so she and I just butted heads like crazy when she was four or five. It was awful. And then one day I broke down, I literally broke down and burst into tears and I started praying and I'm like, it's not supposed to be this hard. It's just not supposed to be this hard. And I, you know, I'm a trauma nurse. I'm like, I can handle, you know, people bleeding out in trauma unit and people with their head, you know, gunshot wound to the head. And I

can't handle a five-year-old. Are you kidding me right now? So I just, I started praying about it and several people within the same month, which I, you know, I don't believe in coincidence, um, said to me, have you, have you heard of this program? And so I got this program and it was just exactly like it says, it was very logical. And I was like, duh, light bulb moment. I'm very intense and authoritative. I'm a nice EU nurse, right? So I'm like, that's not working with a very intense, strong-willed child. Our personalities were just like clashing big time. So by me learning how to sort of back off, let her make mistakes, let her fall, I wanted to tell her what to do and not let her make mistakes. That wasn't working. So as soon as I started learning to let go a little bit, be very clear about what the

consequences were going to be, and then let it go. Let her fall. Let her make the mistakes. Let her pay the consequence. She learned really quick. She hated consequences. I mean, like she really hated consequences. So it was transformative. So we have two examples. One, homework time used to be very stressful. And now it's not stressful at all. And she was in second grade? Second grade. And so she, I mean, it was just every night was a battle.

She would not sit down to do reading. She wouldn't sit down to do her, you know, whatever her homework was, you know, her little math problems. And we had to fight over it. And I somehow had thought that this was my responsibility. And one day I went to her and I said, you know, sweetie, I love you so much. I hate fighting with you. I'm not going to fight with you anymore. You don't have to do homework ever again. If you don't want to do homework ever again, you don't have to do it. And she was like, she sits there and she looks at me. She's up on the stool. She goes, that doesn't make sense. That doesn't make any sense.

And I said, no, I'm serious. I'm not going to tell you you have to do your homework ever again. So if you're okay with the consequences of not doing your homework, I'm okay with it. Let me know if you want to know what those are. If you're ever curious to know what the consequences are, I'm here. Let me know. And so she was like, this doesn't make sense. What are you talking about?

I said, well, you know, staying inside at recess and lunch probably is what's going to happen if you keep not turning your homework in. You're going to disappoint your teacher, which she hated disappointing her teacher. She loved her teacher. And I said, and you know, but the thing is, I said, you're so cute. And you know, you're pretty funny. It's going to be easy for you to make new friends next year. When all of your friends move on to third grade, you're going to repeat second grade, but that's okay. Cause you'll make friends easily. She got so mad. She threw her

pencil down, jumps off the stool. She goes, I never said I wasn't going to do it. I'm just not doing it right this second. I never said a word. She walked out of the room. She came back 20 minutes later, got in that chair, did her homework and never asked me for help. So over the years... And she's in 11th grade again. And she is doing AP and honors classes and she's amazing. So she's, yeah, she's amazing. So that is a logical consequence to not doing something that you're supposed to do.

Right. Now, the other example is we were going to take her to a special premiere in Los Angeles. And she was just acting bad. Oh, she threw worst temper tantrum she's ever thrown in her life. Ever. To this day. Worst temper tantrum she's ever thrown. It was awful.

And so she had never been left with a babysitter because of some of my own weird issues with babysitters. Just the thing I have. And so, yeah. So I never left her with a babysitter. We can call it that. So, but this time I knew I had to do something. And so I thought about it. And so one of the things Love & Logic tells you to do is buy yourself time.

Don't make any decisions in the heat of the moment when you're angry. Cause that's when we make bad decisions. Don't discipline when you're angry. Right. You don't need to tell them right then what's going to happen. You don't need to do that. In fact, you say, what's the comment?

I'll let you know after I think about it. I'll let you know after I think about it. There's going to be a consequence. I'll let you know. Great. You don't need to do that right then. So I, thank God she threw herself onto a rug and we have hardwood floors and I drug the rug down to her room. And I was so mad. I said, I think, you know, it's in your best interest to

stay in this room right now. And she didn't say a word. She stayed there. She knew it was bad. And she grabbed my face. And so I put her in a room and I left the room and I'm like, I need to think of what to do. So I thought, you know, it's time for me to let someone come over and watch her. And I called someone that I knew that I trusted. And I said, can you show up like quickly last minute? She showed up at the house. Now in Chloe's mind, she's never had a babysitter. So she didn't understand what was happening. And so all of a sudden, 20 minutes later, she comes out, she's completely fine. She's all well adjusted. And she's like, okay, I feel better, mom. And I'm like, good. I'm happy about that. And I didn't say a word. I didn't say a word about what she had done. Doorbell rings. She runs downstairs.

She sees the person. She knows who it is. She's like, oh, are you going with us? She just was confused why they were there. And the girl looked at her. She's like, what? And I looked before Chloe could say another word. I handed the girl a list and I said, these are her chores. This is her homework. After she finishes her chores and her homework, then you guys can do something fun if you want to, but she needs to get all of this done first. I looked at Chloe and I said, sweetheart,

I said, I'll give you an advance on next week's allowance if you don't have enough of your allowance to pay her. And if you still don't have enough, she allowance to pay her and if you still don't have enough she takes toys for payment chloe started to scream this is all your fault i mean she started going crazy and i'm like well you have all day to think about that and i walked out the door and that was it and i made her pay for the babysitter so the consequence was not taking her to the thing she and making her pay making her pay. That's a logical, loving love and logic. It's a loving, logical consequence. I don't want you screaming. I don't

want you yelling. I don't want you hitting. What I want you to do is thinking what is the consequence of this behavior. Now it starts with goals and bonding and rules and noticing what you like. Those are critical foundational things. And then what's the logical consequence to this behavior? And sometimes it's timeout and timeout can work. And I have rules. Timeout starts when you're quiet. Don't send someone to their room and let them scream at you. So time starts when you're quiet. But basically, it's time out from things that they like, whether it's video games, which are not good for them anyways, or you just want to make an impact. But ultimately, discipline comes from the Greek word disciple,

which basically means to teach. Use it as teaching. If you're enjoying the Brain Warriors Way podcast, please don't forget to subscribe so you'll always know when there's a new episode. And while you're at it, feel free to give us a review or five-star rating as that helps others find

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