Change Your Brain Every Day - What Brings Out Judgmental Tendencies in People?

Episode Date: June 12, 2026

Responsibility is one of Tana's favorite words because it's a word that helped her get through a difficult time in her life. However, many people tend to confuse the word 'responsibility' with 'blame', which can lead to problems. As Tana and Dr. Daniel Amen share in this episode, the two words have quite different meanings. This concept, taken from Dr. Amen's upcoming book 'Your Brain is Always Listening', explains why those who take on responsibility need to make sure that self-care is always taken into account first before the needs of others.

Every day you are making your brain better or you are making it worse. Stay with us to learn how you can change your brain for the better every day. We're going through this journey on helping you identify your dragons, the big emotional issues that you struggle with, and learning how to tame them. So we've talked about the abandoned, invisible and insignificant, dragon, my dragon. I'm married to you, so that helps tame it. The inferior or flawed dragon, the anxious dragon, the wounded dragon, the shouldn't shaming dragon. We talked about the special, spoiled and entitled dragons, not you. It's not me. Sorry, Chloe. She admitted it. I was like,

Wow. Chloe goes, why wouldn't people want to do things for me? I was like, well, okay then. She's like, I'm awesome and I do things for other people. Today we're going to talk about the most common dragon, which is responsible dragon, where you feel like you have to be responsible for other people. Now, of course, you have to be responsible or you have older parents who need you.

I kind of like this dragon, though. I mean, it has a dark side, but I like responsibility. It's my favorite word. So we just want to focus on the light side of this dragon. Well, and a lot of doctors and nurses have this dragon. And the origin story is when you feel liable for the pain or the situation of others, often because you felt powerless to help someone you cared about, such as a parent or sibling who was sick.

This is just rampant during the pandemic, when hospitals would now allow family members to visit sick people or dying loved ones. Or you felt insignificant and fixing other people's issues helped you feel significant. So this dragon has actually caused several fights in my marriage. because it gets triggered when you perceive others in need. And it triggers back a time when you couldn't help and wish you could.

And how you react is you tend to fix, you tend to caretake, you could be codependent. You see, I'm not codependent. I am responsible. I am not codependent. You are not. It can cause you to do too much for us. others, which is, that's disabling. You're enabling, which causes them to then not be responsible for themselves. And it can actually cause entitlement. Yes. And I don't like that.

People. It's a problem for me. So how now, of course, there's an upside to this dragon and you become a helper. Right. And I want to, and we should, we should unravel this just a little bit because we want to separate blame. We've talked about this a lot because this can get ravelled up and tied up with blame. Like you tend to fix things because you felt like you were to blame for something. But being responsible and feeling like you want to be empowered to help is different than doing it because you feel like you are to blame for something. So be clear about that.

And there's like I'm very like I very much have this dragon in a different way. So there's another way that people have this. Like the nurse in me like will be. I've almost jumped out of the car before because I see an accident. It's like I'm the type that will run into the fire or run into an accident. And you're like, that car is leaking gasoline. No. And you grab me back.

And I'm like because the responsible dragon also can be fairly, you know, like just you have to jump in. Well, firefighters and police officers. Responsible. Often have the trauma nurses responsible. When I sent the dragon quiz so you can find out your dragons that know your dragons, I sent it to the police chief here in Newport Beach, John and I are friends. And he goes, responsible and judgmental. He said, sort of fits a place to me.

Right, exactly. But I remember you saying to me, why do you do that? I'm like, because someone has to. Classic response. And so it's very important to soothe this dragon, but also to empower this dragon. But no, when you do too much, when you become a fixer, you decrease the other person's ability to grow. Super important. Hand up is great. Hand out, not so great. So when you're trying to help people, I just, this comes from personal experience with my family, which I write about in my book. It's

really important to, and I learned this because my mother was codependent and thought she had to fix everyone. She had the responsible dragon, the dark side. And she had a mother who was diagnosed with schizophrenia. Right. A brother who was a heroin addict. Father who was quadriplegic. So she had to fix everybody. She had to take care of everybody. But she also had this tendency to want to bring people into our home and help everyone who were dangerous to a little girl. And so that can be a problem. So because of her, my responsible dragon is like, nope, you got to help yourself. I will help you help yourself, but I will not fix you. So you just, you know, like, a little extreme. Everybody now knows you're not going to fix it. I'm not going to be more invested than you are. That's a very

important point. And a lot of therapists, if you do the work, they will really be helpful. But if you don't do the work, they are not going to do it for. Now, there is an upside to this dragon. All the dragons have an upside, you get to help. You get to be in charge and have others in your death. You also get to be part of a community that you're creating. Good deeds reduce physical pain. Helping others is altruistic, which actually decreases stress. So doing things to help others often gives you a sense of meaning and purpose and health stress. So how do we tame this dress? and self-care is critical. I'd say this all the time in my practice.

Have you ever been on an airplane? And what's the first thing they say on an airplane? If the cabin pressure goes down and the mask comes down from the ceiling, put your mask on first so that you will be breathing to help others. And in the New Testament, Jesus love your neighbor as yourself. So if you're not loving and caring for yourself, you will not be your best in loving and caring for others. And one thing I would add to this one, which we already said, but I want to just add as part of taming this dragon is understanding the difference between blame and responsibility. Because you choose to be responsible and have the ability to respond does not mean you need to focus on blame.

So try to disconnect those two. Well, quite frankly, you know, I can. had a blaming dragon, blame is the worst hallmark. Right. It's the number one self-defeating behavior when you blame other people for how your life is turning out. And even though you were victimized as a child, I refuse to be a victim. You are not a victim. I will not be a victim.

But even blaming yourself too much can really cause you to just curl up and be paralyzed with, you know, it's not a good thing. Well, and self- care is so important for everyone else around you. I'm working on a book for next year called You Happier, the neuroscience of feeling good based on your brain type. And in the introduction, there is a quote from the video, Why Be Happy by Dennis Prager, where he actually says happiness is a moral obligation. He said, just ask anyone who's been raised by an unhappy parent, whether happiness is a moral obligation. And I guarantee they will say,

yes, because it's how you impact others. So self-care is so important. Healthy boundaries. We're huge fan of Henry Cloud and John Townsend's book. Love that book. And boundaries is actually love and logic, the parenting program. that you and I both love. It's really about setting healthy boundaries. I don't do things for people who are just respectful to me. Notice we just talked about responsibility. It's about not rescuing people.

It's about letting them pay the consequences for their behavior. Right. And also another way to tame this dragon is to really know are your relationships balanced? And our friend, I was just with him last night. John Townsend has a book called People. fuel where he talks about evaluate the people in your life with the seven Cs. And so the first C is coaches, you know, who do you have?

So hopefully we're one of your coaches or mentors. Comrades. So close friends and loved ones. We're comrades. Casuals. Those are your casual friends. Colleagues, coworkers. Care people who are dependent on you.

So Chloe and Alizea and Amelie. chronics, where these are people, they just always have an issue. And you just know and contaminants, people who actually desire to damage you. And you need to move those people out. And so you limit the chronics and you draw strong boundaries with the contaminants. It's like this is a hard boundary. You can't cross this.

Right. And if you're not balanced, if you don't have coaches or comrades or casuals, those become work for you to do. The movies that the responsible dragon love are movies of healing, like Awakenings, one of my favorite movies of all time or ordinary people, the doctor, Patch Adams, and the meditations or affirmations to say every day,

if you have this dragon. Loving others as myself means taking care of myself so I can love others. I love helping others as long as I'm helping them become competent and independent. Yes, yes. It is better to give than receive as long as giving does not create a necessary dependency. I share the load with others so I don't become overburdened and burned out. like half the doctors in our country today are struggling with now. I do what I can and trust others to God's care.

Love that. So that's the responsible dragons. Which dragons do you have? Struggling with your mental health at Amen Clinics, we use brain imaging and personalized care to help you heal at 11 locations. Atlanta, Chicago, Dallas, D.C., Los Angeles, San Francisco, Miami, New York, Orange County, California, Seattle, and Scottsdale. Visit amenclinics.com.

The angry dragon, he's very scary. You know, ever since I've been a psychiatrist, I've been wrestling with this dragon. Now, not personally, I'm a middle child. Later on, we're going to talk about the sibling and birth order dragons, but I've been dealing with it in patients. it in patience. This is often the dragon that gets people into my office. Something just occurred to me. So I've been talking to people with their dragons. And a lot of

people who have the responsible dragon don't have the angry dragon. But people who have the special spoiled and entitled dragons have the angry dragon because we have this tendency to take responsibility and be like, and something don't get irritated. That's not what it means. It's just that you have a tendency to be like, well, it's my responsibility to fix it versus being angry that other people aren't doing it for you. Yeah. So this is part of externalizing behaviors as opposed to anxiety and responsible, which are internalizing behaviors. So it's the origin story for the angry dragon.

So let's just say right up front, it could be because your brain is damaged. Because your brain is not working right. Especially. Subtype ADD, anxiety, depression, obesity, addictions. I've also subtype violence. And there's impulsive violence. You don't have a strong enough prefrontal cortex. You just lash out when you get the thought, right?

Jerry Seinfeld said the brain is a sneaky organ. We all have weird, crazy, stupid, sexual, violent thought that nobody should ever hear and that you should never act. Your prefrontal cortex protects you from that. there's also singular violence. If you're singular works too hard, you're worried, rigid, and flexible, if things don't go your way,

boom, you can explode. That's often road rage. It's, you know, when somebody accidentally cuts me off on the freeway or even purposely cuts me off on the freeway, I think to myself, you jerk. And then I leave it alone because, I don't know, he could have a gun in his car.

But for people who are, the singulate, the rigid people, they ask somebody cuts them off. They'll chase them. And they go, you jerk, you jerk, you jerk, you jerk. And they engage in bad behavior in order to get the thought out of their head. And there's also temporal lobe violence. If you hurt one or both of your temporal lobes, head trauma, or, I mean, you know, my most famous case, my nephew had assist the size of a golf ball occupying the space of his left temporal lobe.

It attacked people for no particular reason. So let's just be clear there is a biology to anger and violence. You just shamed and wanted to much shame, but you concerned a whole bunch of people listening because there's a whole bunch of us who get really annoyed when we drive. But we don't necessarily like engage in behavior. No, but you get really irritated. Although you do swear sometimes. I get so mad at people.

So the psychological origin for the angry dragon is you've been hurt in the past. where you've been shamed or disappointed, or more commonly, others modeled angry behavior for you. And you watched your mom's temper or your dad's temper or your sibling's temper. And they taught you it was okay. What triggers the angry dragon

when you're reminded of hurts, shame or past disappointments, when you don't get your way if your frontal lobes are busy. Sometimes anger is triggered to get others to leave you alone. Think of teenagers. Well, even people who have been traumatized. I mean, sometimes anger is a way to keep a barrier. Sometimes people, I read this really interesting thing about people who refuse to forgive

and hold on to anger, that it's because they feel powerless. They're afraid. They don't know how to draw boundaries and they're afraid that if they let go of the anger, they're opening themselves back up to the, because they don't know how to draw boundaries, that if they let it go, they're opening themselves back up to being hurt. And those two are two separate things.

But most people haven't worked on boundaries. They don't feel confident. So it's a lack of confidence. Well, and sometimes in relationships, if people are overwhelmed by words, that they'll lash out to get the other person to be quiet. To stop it.

Because they just can't engage at the same level of language. I have a hyperverbal child. It's overwhelming when she starts that. So how does the angry dragon cause you to react? Rage. Irritability. You're rude. You bully.

You belittle. You're annoying. Fighting, punishing. Stonewalling. Contempt. And if you want to get divorced, stonewall. Yeah. Anger's not always about lashing out.

If you want to get divorce. I mean, is really actually great research. If you engage in shaming other people, contemptful behavior, or you stonewall, like you just won't talk about it, that's actually one of the predictors. You know, we've had a couple of fights in our marriage. And the one thing I'm really happy about

is the way that we fight, we made a decision when we got married, we weren't going to sleep in separate rooms. And I think that that's a really, scary thing when you start doing that and disconnecting and punishing the other person by going away and like it can it can just lead to problems now if you're there's violence then yes but but I think it's a bad habit and I like that habit that we don't do that I'd rather argue with you than one of us go away I'd rather resolve it so how often do we argue not often but the few fights we've had we've resolved that way which is better so how do you tame this dragon up you see it as

problem that you need to solve. You get really clear on your goals. I want a kind, caring, loving, supportive, passionate relationship with you. I always want that. Will the angry dragon get me that? Absolutely not. It'll be like the Game of Thrones fight with you. So, yeah, no. Be aware of the danger signs, do you start breathing to your fat, too fast? Some people actually see red. I feel red. If you feel hot, that can matter if your muscles start to feel tense, if you start to get confused or overwhelmed. Just begin to notice what happens. Protect your blood sugar. People are more likely to lash out when blood sugar goes low. We've talked. before about the study of 107 couples where they measured their blood sugar before bedtime.

And then they gave them voodoo dolls. And they said, we want you to express your feelings about your partner with the pins in the dolls. And the people who had the lowest blood sugar had more than twice the number of pins in the dolls. So my pharmacy messed up and didn't send my progesterone. So hormones matter too. So they didn't send my progesterone. And I, like, I called them. I'm like, why did you guys mess my? They're like, oh, I don't know.

We'll get it straightened out. Well, it took them like a week to get this straightened out with my prescription. And I was like, I called them back. And I'm like, you are going to be reading about me or watching me on the six o'clock news. Like, I found myself just like being prickly. Like, it's just, you need to pay attention to things like your food and your hormones. And I just, but I knew it was me. And I just found myself everything people were saying was just bugging me.

Like, it's bugging me. So I just like, The prickly. Oh, I just had to go away. Protect your sleep. You get poor sleep. You're more likely to be irritable the next day. Breathing.

When you start to get angry, just get control over your breathing. 10 breaths. Three or four seconds in, six to eight seconds out. Just do that 10 times. And then while you're breathing consciously, ask yourself, what's the goal in the situation? Is the goal for me to be scary? Is the goal for me to push people away

so that you act in ways that make you proud? Take a time out. When you feel like you're going to explode, you need to get away from the situation. And I have a bathroom technique. It's like you're really upset. I have to go to the bathroom. Nobody argues,

with you. If you go... The problem is now I know your secret. I'm still not going to follow you in the bathroom, but... Right. And if you know, I have to go to bathroom, either I really have to go or I'm just protecting you. Right. You don't... I've never seen you. Like, I'm more likely to snap than you are, so...

And then lastly, know when to seek help. getting help is a sign of strength, not weakness. This is the dragon that needs to be scammed. Yes, but let's always, like we said before, there's always a dark side and a light side, right, to these dragons. There's a time that anger is appropriate. There's a time that as long as you're using it appropriately. So you don't want to just, you know, think to yourself every time I get angry, it's wrong.

No, there are times that anger is appropriate. So, you know, if someone's threatening you or hurting you, you. Then you need the dragon. You need that dragon. You need that dragon to breathe hot red fire. From the butt, anger can push you toward your goals, help you overcome obstacles, release steam, express feelings, and right wrongs as far as you don't create more wrongs. Anger can be turned toward being assertive, creative energy, providing a sense. When someone tells you you, you can't do something? I'm going to do it.

So when I tell you, you can't do something, you just know I want you to do it. Right. We almost had an argument recently because he said, he started to say, and then he stopped himself. I literally felt myself going on. And then you stop and you go, you know, we probably should do this. And I'm like, but immediately I was like, because you know better. So what are the movies angry people like?

Angry dragons, the shining jaws, Halloween, the Texas chainsaw massacre, silence. Well, I do like silence and lamps. I don't like any of the other ones. And affirmations or meditations, I express my anger in ways so that others can hear. I accept responsibility if my anger has hurt someone. I direct my anger appropriately. I do not use anger to scare or frighten other people. I express my anger in words, never physical actions, unless someone I love is threatened.

Right. Someone's going to hurt your kid. You're going to lose it. When we come back, we're going to talk about Tanna's dragon. Oh, geez. The judgmental dragon, who often says, if I was judge jury and execution. No, I am judge jury. Not if.

There's no if in that sentence. On busy clinic days or long writing sessions, I take peak energy for clean, steady focus, no crash. It just won a 2025 NextD award beating over 500 supplements. Get yours at BrainMD.com. Use code podcast 20 for 20% off. Welcome back. We are on our journey.

with the dragons. And now today we are moving on to the judgmental dragon. Just FYI. This is Tanna's primary. It's not my primary. It's just one of them. So anyways, before we get going,

I am reading this review, and it's because I'm selfishly reading this one. This is from EMM-305 from the United Kingdom. Just listened. It says, Just listened to the first chapter of your new book, Tanna. I have to purchase this. Very powerful.

God really does use you to help others. You have helped me before to get healthy. I've let it all go, but now I'm getting back on track from Scotland. Wow. Isn't that cool? That's really awesome. Yeah. And the subject line is God bless you both.

Yeah, love that. Thank you. You are our payment for doing this. And so we love when you leave us a comment, a question, or review, do it at. Brain Warriors Way Podcast.com. Also, what have you learned? Write it down, post it on any of your social media sites, hashtag Brain Warriors Way podcasts. Also, take the dragon quiz at know your dragons.com and send it to all of your friends, because if you know what their dragons are, you're just more likely to be helpful. We did it as an executive team and knowing other people's dragons,

it just helps you to be kinder to others so you can help tame their dragons or you can make their dragons roar to life based on your behavior. And so just imagine your dragons. So you have a dragon thunder. A thunder is a herd of dragons. And I have my dragons. And so sometimes, because you and I love each other, passionately, deeply. But sometimes the dragons just get in the way of us having as much fun as we could have. So we don't want that for you. But you have to know your issues. You recognize that it's so much easier. Yeah. So, But today, we're going to talk about the judgmental dragon. And I, quite frankly, live with this dragon.

He'll often say it like, it's like, I care or something is a bad thing. But like we always talk about a dark side and the light side. We're going to have to talk about the light side of this one because it can keep you out of trouble, too. There's an upside to this dragon. We will talk about it. The origins of this dragon. So where does it come from?

You grew up where you perceived a lack of fairness, where people played favorites, where people were inconsistent in how rules were applied when things were scary. And you needed to begin to see things as black and white as a protective mechanism. This dragon gets triggered whenever you feel injustice to yourself or to other people. Yeah, I have a huge thing about justice, fairness and justice. I know one of our first fights or one of our first disagreements was you found out I had testified in death penalty cases for the bad people. Oh, no, one of the big fights we got into. was when you were on Larry King.

Oh, my rest is so. I know, yeah, poor Larry King. But you were on Larry King and you didn't tell me that, well, I figured it out. You were using me for carpooling because you had to get there quickly. They called you last minute. He's using me for carpooling as he needed to get up there fast. And I didn't think ahead of time like we didn't talk about what he was doing. And on the way up there, he asked me to look something up for him.

And I knew I had just heard something on the news. And I'm like, oh my God, you're going to go on there and talk about. this poor little girl who was gang raped. You're going to, like, talk about why those guys did it and give them some kind of and I lost my mind. He couldn't even say a word all the way up there. I was not going to do that. She projected that.

And I'm like, you have daughters, you have granddaughters. I was like. And the judgmental dragon just beat me up the whole. They need to be like those guys need to have this done to them, that done to them. So how does the judgmental dragon cause one to react? Like that. Condescending, critical, moralizing, telling others what they should and should not think or do. The whole ride up from Orange County to Los Angeles.

if I was king, if I was governor, if I was the ruler. Yeah, so here's the only problem. The only problem is in your, like I, for me, in my 30s, I actually, like, had this idea that people should listen to me and maybe they would. Like the wisdom of age, you realize I'm not queen of the universe, people are not going to listen to me. So mostly I mutter to myself now. Well, maybe not to myself, but I know no one's going to listen.

So during the pandemic, judgmental dragons seemed to bring. breathe fire over the entire world, causing people to judge others for their ass actions, wearing a mask, not wearing a mask. Then, after these judgmental dragons that are been let loose, the death of George Floyd caused them to run even more wild. Many people unfairly judged all police officers based on the actions of a few.

Others made blanket judgments about protesters, blaming all of them for the rioting, looting, and medium that took place, even though most protested peacefully. The upside. What's the upside to this dragon? This dragon can help you feel in control so often from not feeling it.

Yeah, it's a rigidity. Like I know for me, it's a rigidity to try to create rules that keep people safe. I am a big fan of rules. And clarify your values and goals, That's what you just said. It also wants to write wrongs. I think that's a big deal for you.

And protect those who are victims. It can guide your actions and help you make pro-social choices. Like anger, judgment can be good if it's directed positively for present day reasons. There's also a form of judgment that we think of that's a little different, which is discernment. You want that kind of judgment. You want discernment, like being able to discern because it'll keep you safe. Is this right or wrong? Is this good or bad?

Is this going to hurt me or my family? Discernment is really important. So you don't want to lose that. So strategies to heal this dragon. Ask a few questions when you feel judgmental. Is this problem now or am I trying to fix something that was wrong in the past? Do you have all the facts or are you making assumption about others that you do not know are true. Forgiveness is huge and there's a process from Dr. Worthington that we often talk

about called reach for forgiveness where you recall what happens. You empathize with the other person and that's the hard thing for many judgmental dragons to do. You altruistically, that's the A. gift of forgiveness because you often say when you hold on to a hurt, it's like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. And so it's damaging you more than it's damaging them. Commit to it. That's the C and the H is hold on to it. And let's just be clear. There are some things that are really hard to see from another person's perspective. But if you can't do it for them, do it for yourself. And just because you forgive someone

does not mean they get out of consequences, does not mean that you need to have close proximity to them, does not mean that you don't draw boundaries. It doesn't even mean you need to see that person. It just means you let the anger go for your own benefit. So what movies does this dragon like? Probably ones I like. Let's see.

Tell me if you like any of these movies, Rambo. Yes. Taken. Love it. Law-abiding citizen. Of course. Grand Torino.

Oh my God. One of my all-time favorites. Dirty Harry. Love him. Payback. I don't even know what that is. Kill Bill. No, not really.

The other ones, yes. They love vengeance. I call it justice. You call it vengeance. Tomato. Be curious, not furious. It's something we say. a lot, behaviors way more complicated than most people think, judge behaviors, not people.

And get out of your bubble. If you're quick to judge others, it may be due to unfamiliarity with others outside of your immediate social circle. Yeah, if it's social judgment, that's a, we're talking a different thing. things that, well, yes and no, they're connected, but being, creating black and white rules to keep yourself and your family safe and things you do because you grew up in a toxic environment that can reach into social issues. But, but be clear, is this something I'm doing because, like, I'm immediately, I feel immediately in danger or is this something that is an old, like I know I grew up in a family. My, not a family, but my stepfather was very racist. And so for me, that's actually for me that's toxic I grew up knowing in my younger adulthood that was a toxic thing but ask yourself is this because of my past is this something that is my own thought or is something that's because of how I was raised they're not they don't have to be connected the affirmations to say and meditate on every day I'm going to post these on your mirror I trade judgment for understanding

I release judgment so I can feel free. I treat people in pain with compassion, not more pain. I am a role model for what I want to see in the world. I foster peace in this situation, so there will be more peace in the world. Well, I was going to say I rejected, but I actually liked those. Those were good. So there you have it. So what did you learn?

Write it down. post it on take a picture of it posted on any of your social media sites you can hashtag brain warriors way podcast or dearly love you to share uh your brain is always listening dot com so people can pre-order the book get some great free books uh we want you to know your dragons tame them and then share this information with those you care about we don't want your life to end up like the finale of Game of Thrones where the dragons murdered a million people. We don't want that. Tame your dragons.

Stay with us. Hydration is more than just water. Your brain needs the right balance of electrolytes. I add smart electrolytes to my water every morning for fast hydration, brain support, and all-day energy. There's no sugar, just clean ingredients. Try it at BrainMD.com with code Podcast 20 for 20% off. Welcome back, everyone. We are continuing to identify and tame the dragons from the past

that are breathing fire on your emotional brain. Pay attention and just try to pick out one thing you learned, write it down, take a picture of it, post it. It really helps us grow the podcast and create a more dragon-free world. But, you know, ultimately, Brain Warriors way, we're trying to give you tools to arm, prepare, and make you aware of the health of your brain so you can win the fight of your life to keep your brain healthy. Today is a really important dragon. It's a dragon that taunts so many people.

Probably almost everybody, right? And the pandemic has exploded this dragon. I think of it almost like Godzilla, you know, stomping around the world. And that's the depth. Yeah. And at some point I think this, at some point in almost everybody's life, the experience is. Well, and it's always with us. Now, typically, children don't have this much.

Right. Typically, it is born in midlife when your parents die. Or you have the parents of your friends die. Right. So I remember this dragon in particular, and I write about this in my book, devastated me in my 20s. And sometimes it starts early. stated me in my 20s.

If you have health problem when you're young or you have siblings or parents who have health problems. Yeah, no, I got cancer. I was diagnosed with cancer in my 20s, which then meant I lost everything important to me that I thought was important to me. And my mom was diagnosed with a congenital defect that she had to have brain surgery for at the same time. And I just went in like that.

It can really throw you for a loop. And so sometimes it's not just because of, you know, natural aging. midlife crisis. Sometimes it's, and like the pandemic is doing that now. It surprises us. So I can start earlier if you're faced with death, as you were, accident illnesses or for teenagers, and this is more common now than ever before. Teenagers have friends who commit suicide.

It can happen later with the fear of aging, although that starts early, right? I mean, everybody's sort of excited to turn 20. And then late 20s, it starts. they're not excited about and 40 they're not excited about and 50 can be devastating and I think it's sort of funny in the sense that I love being 60-6 I don't want to be 40 I went through that stress early on and then all of a sudden I like went to the other side now it's like whatever I love it but fear of aging losing your youth having a life that's not meaningful fear others will not survive or thrive without you that's

This is a big one for you. This is a big one for a lot of mothers. That's a big one for a lot of mothers. I didn't care that much before I had Chloe. It's like, ah, I was very, like a lot more willing to take risks and go on, you know, vacations and do certain things. And the minute I became a mom, I was like, oh, I can't do that because like this little person isn't going to live without me or at least not be their best.

And the death dragon is triggered whenever you see your mortality. such as in a near misaccident and illness or when someone you care about dies. I mean, after my dad died last year, I've thought more about death this year than ever that I can remember. So how do you react if the death dragon is breathing fire on your emotional brain? You have a fear of dying. It preoccupies you. You have a pervading sense of doom. You can even have panic. attacks that you don't understand. So is there an upside to this dragon? It's an upside to all of them.

Knowing you're going to die can actually help you live a more meaningful life, plan for the future, and work to create a legacy. Cherishing each day can help you resolve interpersonal conflicts in the future and use listening skills and empathy rather than stewing, ignoring, or holding grudges. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, who's the famous psychiatrist who studied, death and dying, says it is the denial of death that is partially responsible for people living, meaningless, purposeless lives. because when you think you're going to live forever,

you do not take care of the issues that you need to take care of today. All right. So how do you tame this dragon? Well, one, except death is a natural part of life. And I think the thing that, a couple of things really helped me with this dragon. In the late 1970s, there was a book published by Ray Moody called Life After Life. And it was about a whole series of people who had near-death experiences and then what happened. And it just gave me comfort to know that a lot of people, they see the light, but then they see loved ones that were crucially important to them.

That book just gave me a lot of peace. My faith leads me to believe this isn't it. This is not the only life for us that there is more. That really helped. And then in college, I took a class on death and dying. Me too. And I had to write my own funeral. And when you live with the end in mind,

you end up saying something you and I say a lot, is does this problem I have now, does this issue I'm dealing with now have eternal value? such an important statement. And really focusing on that is I think what helped, you know, we talked about earlier about how sometimes parents, especially mothers, when you have a baby, it's like, you know, when you're younger,

you will take chances and then all of a sudden this baby comes along. I don't know if anyone else out there has had this issue. I had a baby and all of a sudden it's like, because I face death early, because I face that mortality issue early, I started bargaining with God. I'm like, please just let me get her to X age, to where she's self-sufficient.

Then she would hit that age. I'm like, she's not ready. I thought that she'd be okay by now. Please let me get her to this age. And then if something happens to me, it's okay. And you start bargaining with God, nothing's even happened yet. So that's how much this can torture you, this death dragon.

But I think what really started to help me was, you know, it was faith because I literally would step back and it's like we're all going to die at some point. The more important question is how are you going to live? So what are we going to do while we're here? What am I going to do with the time that I have with her, I'm here. What do I, what lessons do I want to instill with her? To be in the present, because when you're in the past with regret that feeds depression or the future with fear that feeds the anxious dragon, you suffer. And then, and then I would go one step further and I would just thank God for

letting me be her mother every day because she's not really mine. I mean, she's my, I'm her mother. She's totally not yours. Right. She's not mine. I'm her mother. I was, I was gifted. this gift of being a lot to mother. And you've done a great job because now she's her own person. She doesn't belong to anybody. Right. Right. And she makes us clear.

You know, one of my favorite strategies for this dragon, and you're going to find it irreverent and I don't know what to tell you, just deal with it, I suppose. What are we going to say? List the good things about dying. Oh, yeah. And here are some of mine.

So my faith leads me to believe I'll have eternal life. I may get to see my father and, grandfather again. No more people coughing on airplanes. I hate that. Even prior to COVID. No more traffic. I live near L.A., so this is a big deal. No more internet trolls. Come on, let's be thoughtful. Try not to do drugs before you post. No more divisive political campaigns, at least I hope so. No more taxes, no more spam or junk, I won't have to shave anymore and deal with occasional cuts and bleeding. I won't have to get my teeth cleaned and have someone with a sharp metal object

poking around my mouth, no more root canals, no more computer crashes where I lose an hour's worth of work. For me, it's no more news. Affirmations. You need to tame the death dragon. I will live a life that matters. I will live a life fully and fearlessly. I will be present today and all I do, because today is all you will ever have.

Death teaches me that if something is meaningful, I do it. But if it's not meaningful, I don't do it. Death is just the next stage of eternal life. We hope this has been helpful for you.