Change Your Brain Every Day - What Influence Does ADD Have on Relationships?

Episode Date: April 19, 2018

There are many reasons while some relationships thrive while others fail, but it’s no question that untreated ADD can devastate families and intimacy among couples. In this episode of The Brain Warrior’s Way Podcast, Dr. Daniel Amen and Tana Amen break down exactly how ADD threatens relationships.

Welcome to the Brain Warriors Way podcast. I'm Dr. Daniel Amen. And I'm Tana Amen. Here we teach you how to win the fight for your brain to defeat anxiety, depression, memory loss, ADHD, and addictions. The Brain Warriors Way podcast is brought to you by Amen Clinics, where we've transformed lives for three decades using brain spec imaging to better target treatment and natural ways to heal the brain. For more information, visit amenclinics.com.

The Brain Warriors Way podcast is also brought to you by BrainMD, where we produce the highest quality nutraceutical products to support the health of your brain and body. For more information, visit brainmdhealth.com. Welcome to the Brain Warriors Way podcast. And stay tuned for a special code for a discount to Amen Clinics for a full evaluation, as well as any of our supplements at brainmdhealth.com. Welcome back. In this episode, we're going to talk about ADD and intimate relationships. I have, as I said, more experience with this than I want to know. But when in my first marriage, I just felt like I got run over by a truck. I'm like, I had no...

I can relate to that. I just felt like I got run over by a truck. Yeah. I'm like, I had no. I can relate to that. Personal experience with how to deal with the emotional outbursts and. Yeah. And I think that's really important to, so this is not to demonize someone with ADD. This is because I think if you don't know how to deal with the person who has it or who is like sort of conflict seeking, then you don't always behave in a way that could be helpful. So I want to really bring that up. Now, over time, you end up bitter.

You end up angry. Right. And one of the problems is the brain has memory. Right. And so you're constantly being triggered about, well, this happened, so it's likely to happen again. So I can tell you in a previous relationship for me, I constantly felt like I was walking on eggshells and trying to figure out there's this feeling that you have. You're going home and you're like, what's going to happen when I walk in the door? What's going to be the fight tonight?

You're anticipating. And you're like, how am I going to handle it? What am I going to say? Like you're, you're like, and you're already walking on eggshells when you walk in and you're like trying to like position yourself before it even starts. So then when it starts, you're trying to maneuver to get around it. And I have to tell you for a lot of people, most of us, probably you deal with that for a little while. And then there comes a day where you're like, I'm done. And so you're not so good at dealing with it anymore. You don't walk on eggshells, you start crushing eggshells. So, so then it's not so. And not everybody that has ADD

has these problems in a relationship. Right. Everybody's different. Because I have ADD. Because you have ADD. Right. And you and I don't have these problems. No, I don't like conflict. And it's not because I'm better, although I am, right? I mean, I was really young then. And I know a lot more. Well, I think we've both learned a lot. In my book, Healing ADD, there's a chapter called The Games ADD People Play. But let me just finish that off, though, too, because it's really important to point that out. There are people with

the eye of add i guess but okay we want to go into that again i will own it but but i don't have a lot of the classic signs and so it's really important for people to hear that because like we don't have i don't like conflict i'm anxious so i don't like i don't like drama in my house in fact it's almost it almost creates some drama because I will draw such a strong boundary against people bringing drama in my house. It's like, you can't come in my house and do that. So then that makes people all nervous.

Which actually sets a good boundary. Oh, yeah. Because then they're less likely to act badly. Everybody knows. If you do that in my house, you're not welcome. And people with ADD do better with boundaries, and they do better with structure. That's why many kids who had ADD end up in the military,

and they thrive in the military because they have structure. Is that why people think I'm militant? Could be. The rules are really clear, and so on. But I just want to highlight some of the games people with add play and the first game is let's have a problem right because they're going to use left untreated they will use their partner as a stimulant so even though it's you're having a great vacation you've been looking forward to it for half a year the other person just starts picking on the

children or they start picking on their spouse as a stimulant. And they don't know they do it. It's not conscious, but everybody around them knows they do. And have you ever seen someone that does that and they will not give up? And so you might not pick up the rope. Don't pick up the rope. Don't pick up the rope. They keep pushing. They're not gonna let you not pick up the rope. They keep pushing until you do, and then all of a sudden they're hurt and it's like they're the victim.

Well, but when you stop, they unconsciously know they can get you to react. And so they keep at it. But the more you don't react, the less they will continue the conflict. Unless they have our over-focused type of ADD where they just can't let go. It's almost like an OCD,

obsessive compulsive disorder problem. The second game they play is, I bet I can get you to yell at me or hit me. And this is going to sound terrible. I was chief of domestic violence at Fort Irwin when I was in the army and I realized when there was domestic violence in a home, I had to evaluate everybody in the family. And often what I'd find is a dad who had a brain injury,

a child or wife who had ADD that was conflict-driven, and he couldn't control himself because of the damage to his frontal lobes. And I'm like, this is a family issue. And I'm going to get hate mail for this. You're going to get hate mail for this. But I've always been, let me call it as I see it, is there family dynamics. There are always family things that work into this. And yes, there's never an excuse to have

someone hurt, a woman or a child, never an excuse for that. But if you don't understand the dynamic and fix everybody, you can't properly intervene. The next game they play is my thoughts are more terrible than your thoughts. And they actually use negative thoughts. Another one is it's your fault and I'm not responsible. Another one for the over-focused ones, no, no way, never, you can't make me do it. That's hilarious.

I say the opposite of what you say. Now, see, if I have any of these, that's the, like, if you force me, yeah, it's like, if you tell me I have to do something, you better watch out. I say the opposite of what you say. I say the first thing that comes to my mind, let's call it even. Even though they started it and, you know, acted really badly.

Well, let's call it even. And the last one is fighting as foreplay. So these are people that have this terrible knockdown, drag out fight. Oh, the makeup sex. And then the makeup sex is awesome. But the woman often has trouble having an orgasm because what does an orgasm require? It requires focus. And because people with ADD are often easily distracted, they don't get the focus.

And so once you treat them, orgasms go up. So that always makes me happy to contribute to someone's sexual happiness, always appropriately. So if you find yourself in any of these. Yeah, I just I find that list fascinating. And as you know, as you're reading that list, I'm like, that's so interesting, especially when you were talking about the dynamics in couples. So you have someone who is conflict driven, but you have someone else who who plays that game of I bet I can make you me, or I bet I can make you scream at me. I mean, and it doesn't, it's not a popular thought, but there are people who sort of are stuck in that victim role. And that's really sad. It's really important for you to recognize that about yourself because you can never be happy. You can never be successful if you get stuck in that role. Well, if you're a victim, you have no power.

Right. And you can't change anything. Right. There's this interesting thing that moms often tell me. If we have a bad morning at home, he has a good day at school. If we have a kind, loving morning at home, then he has a bad day. That's so bizarre. Because he didn't get his stimulant. That's so bizarre. You just see these chronically conflicted relationships that do so much better. It's almost like the secret that very few people know about that having untreated ADD devastates relationships. And treating it with diet, with exercise, simple supplements or medication can make a huge positive difference and decrease the divorce rate. And I think it's really important to point out that, you know, because you have ADD does not

mean you're not going to be successful. It doesn't mean that you're a bad person or you're wrong or anything like that. I think that I got lucky early on in life. Well, we talked about two precedents, I think, of ADD. Well, I think I got lucky early on in life with all the chaos and drama that happened in my house. I got lucky early on in life. I did not turn to drugs because of all the drugs that were around me. I turned to exercise.

And I don't know why I got that lucky, but somehow that saved me. Which is one of the best natural treatments. Right. I didn't know that. I was treating my ADD. I was like obsessed with exercise, but I knew it made me feel good. I knew that it helped me. It made me feel good. But it doesn't make you a bad person. It just means you have to figure out. What I didn't realize is that things could be easier by knowing some of this stuff. I just got lucky that I found that other people find other ways to medicate their ADD that might not be as effective. But that doesn't make you bad. So how do people do that? So they do it with conflict. They do it

with fighting. Drugs. They do it with methamphetamines. They do it with cocaine. If you're over-focused and anxious, you might do it with pot. They do it with pot. They do it with alcohol. They do things that make them feel better fast that clearly doesn't last. Right. So knowing this can help you figure out how to make your life work better, not just in a relationship, but then the dynamics are better and you'll be successful at many things. I think the really big key to take away here is that this is something that is treatable. You have to look at it from a different perspective of something other than, oh, this is a bad person. We need to blame that person. If you can get this treated your entire life, your family, everything's going to be different. You know, it's, it's really interesting. Don't you

think? I love how evolved you have become from i don't believe in add i just i'm sitting there so happy um because when people are in chronically conflicted relationships rather than blame the other person is bad because haven't you noticed your friends they're in chronically bad relationships that their next relationship is the same is the same and then their next relationship is the same and the only thing that's consistent across those three relationships is that person is you right right and so you have to go what is attracting me to that or what is it I can do different? So if you're married or you're a partner with someone who has ADD and they're not going to go get help, make an appointment for

them. Call the clinic. Make sure they show up because they have ADD. So they're not very organized and they don't follow through well. I think it's a family disorder. No question in my mind. It's a family disorder. And if you are the more organized one, and the fun brains that I've seen, one is like classic ADD, low frontal lobes. The other one's got OCD. And initially, the opposites attract. And then they want to kill each other. Then they hate each other.

And so the more organized one, if you can sort of organize when they take their supplements or their medicine, don't be bitter about that be grateful that there's something that may be helpful in your relationships well and and there is something to be said about fit i mean we're talking about relationships here we just have to like point this out um you know even if you've got add if you there is something to be said about fit you know so you have to know that the person you're with is someone you can talk to, that you can, that wants to be treated,

that will work through this with you. Right. So I remember this one couple I saw from the state of Washington. He's an emergency room doctor and he's in my office because his wife read Change Your Brain, Change Your Life. And he's like, how can I have ADD?

And I'm like, five of my best friends have ADD and they're all doctors. And emergency room doctors have the highest incidence of ADD. And I'm like, well, humor me. How's your attention span? He says, great. And his wife like slugs him. You never pay attention to me.

I said, how's your organization he said it's awesome and later she sends me a picture this is his idea of an organized office which is like an explosion oh my god went off in there and when we scanned him classic add and treating him their marriage got so much better but if it wasn't his wife sort of organizing right things and threatening to leave him right because she's like i knew you weren't going to go i've already seen a lawyer i love you but i'm not staying in this craziness anymore because it is craziness i mean it is and it ended up saving their marriage which was so special because it actually had a generational impact they would have gotten divorced his conflict-driven nature.

They'd have fought in court for years, and it just wouldn't have been fun for those poor kids. Right, and talking about the past, like the relationship I was in, if that person may have been willing to be treated and seen, that may have been a different outcome. But I wasn't willing to stay i already grew up in chaos and drama and trauma and i wasn't doing it anymore but but being with you okay i have add but we i actually think of my life as being extremely happy very balanced loving but

but you're also willing when we talked about it and you got scanned, you go, well, I want this better. And you were willing to do the things that, you know, were required. But I always want to be better. Because you want to be better. You didn't see it as a defect. No. You saw it as an impediment to being yourself. No, you call me a seeker. I'm always going to some seminar or taking some course or class. That's not a negative. That's a compliment.

That's a compliment. Right. ADD and relationships, they can be so much better. Just don't deny it. Don't put your head in the sand. Otherwise, someone's going to kick you in the butt. Stay with us. Use the code podcast 10 to get a 10% discount on a full evaluation at amenclinics.com or on our supplements at brainmdhealth.com. Thank you for listening to the Brain Warriors Way podcast. Go to iTunes and leave

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