Change Your Brain Every Day - What is 'Mommy Guilt'? with Dr. Darria Gillespie

Episode Date: February 20, 2019

Despite their best intentions, many new mothers suffer from “mommy guilt” when they feel they could be doing a better job with their children. But are thoughts healthy or productive? Dr. Daniel Amen and Tana Amen are once again joined by Mom Hacks author Dr. Darria Gillespie to discuss ways to silence that “inner mean girl” that sabotages your best efforts to be a good mom.

Welcome to the Brain Warriors Way podcast. I'm Dr. Daniel Amen. And I'm Tana Amen. In our podcast, we provide you with the tools you need to become a warrior for the health of your brain and body. The Brain Warriors Way podcast is brought to you by Amen Clinics, where we have been transforming lives for 30 years using tools like brain spec imaging to personalize treatment to your brain. For more information, visit amenclinics.com. The Brain Warriors Way podcast is also brought to you by BrainMD, where we produce the highest quality nutraceuticals to support the health of your brain and body. To learn more, go to Brainmd.com. Welcome back. We are with Mom Week and Dr. Daria, we found out has a five-year-old and a two-year-old. And you look amazing. Like seriously amazing. You look so healthy and beautiful and vibrant. You're very kind.

And that comes from habits. Right. Yes. That comes from habits, right? I mean, if you've gone through medical school and your residency. And you still look like that? And working. And your mom.

I'm like, what is she doing? I want to know what she's doing. And you said you went through a time. Well, you look amazing, Satana. You look fantastic. But you're right. It's habits. It's the healthy habits. The stuff that's in hacks isn't just because I read them in a book.

It's because they are what helped me survive. A lot of them I learned by reading clinical trials, but a lot of them I learned trial by error. So that's what I wanted to share. Here's what works for me. Right. I love that. Practical advice rooted in experience and science. So Mom Hacks comes out February 19th. We're very happy to support it. The subtitle is 100 plus science back shortcuts to reclaim your body, raise awesome kids and be unstoppable.

All of these things are also good for brains. Yeah, everything you've said is very aligned with what we teach for brain health. So I love that. And so let's talk about relationships because, you know, there are actually a lot of single moms that are raising kids and it would be important to talk about them. Right. And there are a lot of people whose relationship gets better when they have kids because they have this very important shared common purpose. But I see, and that's the people I would see, they'd be the ones that come to Amen Clinics where things actually begin to unravel. Right. And that certainly happened

for me. And if you have a handicapped child, which is happening more than ever before, you know, as we've seen autism skyrocket and ADHD skyrocket. One of my grandbabies, Emmy, has a genetic micro deletion syndrome. She had seizures at five months old. Emmy's, just goodness, next week going to turn eight. And I know it's been stressful for my daughter and my son-in-law. What are some of the things you've noticed and written about, but also experienced in your own relationships that are both helpful and not so helpful? You get plenty of not so helpful advice too, right? As a mom. So there are days where as a mom,

no matter what, that you have it all together. And then there are days where as a mom, no matter what, that you have it all together. And then there are days that you just swear, like you think you're being punked in terms of everything falling apart. And you're like, what's happening? So a couple of different things I think really, really matter for moms. One is we have this inner critic as women and everybody has it women even more so then add on the mommy guilt and you have this enormous mean girl inside you that's saying things to you that we wouldn't allow anybody ever say to you. Yes. So I first addressed that and kind of the super mom myth.

I looked up super mom and Merriam WebWebster and essentially it's somebody who always looks wonderful, does the laundry, maintains a happy half family and works a full-time job. So she's a step for life. And when I read it, I was like, are you kidding me? Because I know I have cried about having not met a super mom. I was like, that's what I was crying about. So number one is kind of embracing what they call matrescence, which is, it's like adolescence, but it's the development of yourself as a mother and just acknowledging that there's perfection and then there's,

there's reality. And if you are always aiming for the perfection and upset that you're not there, you're going to miss what the reality is and the beauty of the baby in front of you. So that one's a little more conceptual, but it's something we have to remind those, everybody like you're doing a good job. You are a great mama. And so just kind of conceptually telling them that. I really like that because this idea of the Stepford wife and the Stepford mom is, I mean, number one, it's impossible, but number two, who wants that? I just, if you really step back, it's like, do you really want to be that?

Do you really want to be, when we see that, when we see what we think is that in other people, we kind of cringe, right? Don't we? Cause it's not real. So it's just not, right. And people assume that's what's happening in everybody else. And it is a lie. So when I was a young psychiatrist, um, I was the chief psychiatrist at Fort Irwin. It's in the middle of the Mojave Desert. And I was the only psychiatrist for 10,000 people. And I came to realize that whenever I thought someone else had it all together, whenever I thought they were awesome and normal, within three weeks, they would be in my office telling me about the garbage in their life,

the substance abuse, the pornography, the affairs, whatever it was. I came to believe that, you know, most people like me, they are trying to do a good job and there are ups and downs. The other thing you said that's so important, we talk a lot about on the podcast, or you have to learn how to kill the ants, the automatic negative thoughts that steal your happiness. A hundred percent. I actually have two hacks on automatic negative thoughts, which I think I first learned about from reading your literature. Well, I coined the term about 30 years ago. And after I had an ant infestation in my house and I'm like, my patients are all infested. And I have a cool

kid's book. Send me your address. I'll send it to you. It's called Captain Snout and the Superpower Questions. It's basically how to eliminate the ants. But because it's a skill that no one's been taught, you should have been taught this in second grade, that moms need to know whenever they feel sad or mad or nervous or out of control, just start writing down what you're thinking and ask yourself if it's true. Yes. Because it cracks it so you don't have to obsess on it. Exactly on that. And I, so a lot of that, you know, cognitive behavioral therapy is challenging those ants. And so what I do, because when I'm in that ant moment and I am emotional and I'm thinking that I'm a failure and the world's going to fail and my marriage is going to fall apart and everything that we tend to catastrophize, we all forget the good. So I have people go through it. They have a little worksheet in there. And what I do every day now

is when something good happens, especially with my book, I put it in a little note in my notes on my iPhone because what does our brain retain? We retain the negative. We retain the rejections. So if I put it in my iPhone, the next time I get that negative, I can pull it up like, Oh no, actually three things happened today. I just forgot about that. Yes. And you know, and for me, one thing that helped me, like, I know when we, we moved to this area that I live in and it's just a lovely area, but I felt, I remember feeling like I don't fit in with the moms here. I really did. I just felt that way.

Like, I just felt like what we were talking about before. Like, they're all somehow better than I am. I felt they were like, it's sort of this country club element. And I went to the PTA, was going to join the PTA. And I showed up and literally they're dressed to the nines, made up at seven o'clock in the morning. And I'm in my gym clothes. And I'm like, I'm so confused.

How do these people have it all together? And I had to do, like, I felt just so alienated. Because I'm not a country club mom. I'm a confused. How do these people have it all together? And I had to do like, I felt just so alienated because I'm not a country club mom. I'm a karate girl. So I'm like, I don't get it. Like I'm so, I'm so out of the loop. I don't understand. And then I had to do a reality check. I had to kill the ants, but then I just did a, I did a serious reality check with myself. And I went, do you even want to be that? And I'm like, no, I don't want to be that. I had to really like do this. Like we don't even stop to ask ourselves, what do you actually want?

Like I don't want to go to the country club and dress up at seven o'clock in the morning. So you don't want to be like that. I don't. And many people, they carry they in their head, which is the critics committee. Right. I can. So as Daria said, you know, it's the mean girls club, but people need to recognize it's the they in their head, not the they in reality, because the they in reality are suffering

like you are. If you look at the statistics, 51% of us at some point in our life will have a mental illness, anxiety, depression, substance abuse, ADHD, bipolar disorder, whatever. Right. So it's more normal to have a problem than not to have a problem. But I want to make one important point with all that when I, when I sort of did this on myself, because I remember I called you one day and I broke down crying because I couldn't find the right shoes to wear. And that is so not me. And so he goes, who are you and what did you do with my wife? And I'm like, I don't know. I feel like I just, I feel like everyone's judging me. And that's when I stopped myself.

Not one of them were judging me. I was judging me. Yeah. And they were probably saying, wow, they probably weren't even thinking about me. They probably weren't even thinking about me. Oh, Daria, you'll like this rule. So we have the 18-40-60 rule, which says when you're 18, you worry about what everybody's thinking of you. And when you're 40, you don't give a damn what anybody thinks about you. And when you're 60, you realize no one has been thinking about you at all. People spend their days worrying and thinking about themselves, not you. Right. So just as you said, it's what do you think about you? What does my husband think about me?

What do my kids think about me? And how am I managing the organization? Because women, and I don't know, I'm going to probably sound sexist and get hate mail, but they're the CEOs of the house. And I grew up, I'm one of seven children. How my mother did that, God only knows. And she did it well. She was clearly the CEO at home and organized and amazing. And yes, she had periods when she'd break down and cry or she'd throw something at me. Lord knows I deserved it.

You probably deserved it. He did. Yes, he did. I've heard the stories. And it's not sexist. I mean, studies show that even when a woman works outside the home, the chances are greatest is she is also bearing the majority of the home load as well. We all do that.

And so that was also the point of hacks. Moms don't even have time. I don't get to go pee by myself. Right. No, you don't. It doesn't happen. I'm not the only one. You're not the only one. How do I give them a system of hacks, some of which are just super actionable and tactile, like rearranging things in your house. Others are really conceptual, like we're talking about in this last podcast. The goal being, if you just open it up, read one hack, you will feel better because that's all mom said.

So you can do a hack a day and then within three months, you've transformed your life. All right, stay with us. Wait, wait, wait, I have to say one thing. I feel so much better knowing that someone like you, your education, your level of sophistication, who looks like you has the same problems. You can't go pee by yourself. I just had to say that.

Oh my God. Yes. And anybody who thinks it's perfect, go look at the video on my website. It looks perfect with my kids. That thing took four hours and I've never been so excited. For one shot. Stay with us. We're going to talk about more mom hacks with Dr. Daria Long-Gillespie stay with us if you're enjoying the Brain Warriors Way podcast please don't forget to subscribe so you'll always know when there's a new episode and while you're at it feel free to give us a review or five-star rating as that helps others find the podcast if you're interested in coming to Amen Clinics, use the code PODCAST10 to get a 10% discount on a full evaluation at amenclinics.com. For more information, give us a call at 855-978-1363.