Change Your Brain Every Day - What is the Difference Between Self-Care & Self-Centeredness?

Episode Date: April 10, 2019

Dr. Amen often says that it’s best to do the right thing not because you should, but because you love yourself. This episode of the podcast explores this concept of self-love, or “philautia,” as it was coined by the Greeks. Self-love is best looked at through the lens of how we react to the development of our own brains, and Dr. Amen and Tana use this lens to show us how we can use this self-focus to improve our lives.

Welcome to the Brain Warriors Way podcast. I'm Dr. Daniel Amen. And I'm Tana Amen. In our podcast, we provide you with the tools you need to become a warrior for the health of your brain and body. The Brain Warriors Way podcast is brought to you by Amen Clinics, where we have been transforming lives for 30 years using tools like brain spec imaging to personalize treatment to your brain. For more information, visit amenclinics.com. The Brain Warriors Way podcast is also brought to you by BrainMD, where we produce the highest quality nutraceuticals to support the health of your brain and body. To learn more, go to brainmd.com. Welcome back. We are working through the Greek words for love, and we've talked about eros, of course, my favorite. And we-

Big surprise. Talked about storge, which is love of family, and phileo, which is brotherly love. Well, today we're going to talk about philatia, which is self-love. And I love this new phrase I've come up with in the last year. It's do you love food that loves you back? Oh, yeah. That doing the right thing is not because you should. it's do you love food that loves you back? Oh, yeah. That doing the right thing is not because you should.

It's not punishing. It's because you love yourself. Just like that quote from Drew Carey. Yeah. That when you do the right thing, you should celebrate. And how would you treat the four-year-old? Because, you know, the four-year-old wants ice cream and churros and play video games for like 42 hours straight. You know, the four-year-old wants what he or she wants when he or she wants it.

But, you know, that's why God gave you parents, right? They're supposed to be your frontal lobes until yours actually develop. Can you talk about that for a minute? Because I think that's so fascinating. So we say that a lot around the office, you know, you talk about frontal lobes, you talk about, you know, your kids and making sure that their frontal lobes are developing properly. Well, what age do they end? Do they stop developing? Well, new research, brand new research. It's actually closer to 30. Oh boy, wow.

To see, and I don't know for you, Natalie, if you were different at 25 than you were when you were 18. Oh, I was. But when I was 18, I was not that smart. I was just not making really great decisions. It's funny that you say that because I felt it changing at about 23, but I was still going through a lot of medical stuff. At 25, bam, it just like shifted. Yeah. I feel like people say that too, 25 and 30. And then after

that, it's just like- Well, let's just talk for a second how important that is. So the front third of your brain, largest in humans and any other animal, 30% of the human brain, 11% of the chimpanzee brain, 7% of your dog's brain, 3% of the cat's brain, 1% of the mouse's brain. It's the part of you that makes you human. It's involved in important things like focus and forethought and judgment and impulse control, planning, empathy, getting outside of your head into the head of other people, learning from the mistakes you make. And so when people talk about maturity, it's not, oh, you're mature. It's not that you don't make mistakes.

It's you just don't make the same one over and over. Well, and you're a better problem solver. And what happens in the brain is there's this process called my myelinization, where myelin, which is a white fatty substance, begins to surround the nerves. And when they become myelinated, they work like a hundred times faster. And so your brain becomes more efficient. And myelization actually starts at two months old in the occipital lobes in the back, which is why little babies around three or four months, when you look at them and smile, they smile back at you because they're really beginning to see you much better. They're more efficient visually, but it marches very slowly from the back of your brain and it doesn't finish in the front until the middle to late twenties. And so the idea that a teenager at 18

is an adult, the insurance industry knew about that because they go, no, that's ridiculous. We need to charge them a lot more for their insurance because they're more likely to make mistakes. So isn't that interesting that the insurance industry just looking at the math. Right. All they had to do is look at car accidents. Knew it before neuroscientists knew it.

And so you want to do before neuroscientists knew it. And so you want to do everything you can to protect it. And the problem is adolescence is such a vulnerable time because parents are starting to separate their supervision. The normal tasks of adolescence are independence and identity. So who am I separate from you? And oh, by the way, I want to make my own decisions. And that's why adolescence is so hard with a brain that is not fully developed. And then at 18, we often send them away to college. And that's often when they'll have their first psychotic episode, when they'll get depressed,

have suicide behavior. And we're going, but they're an adult. And it's like, well, not really from a neuroscience standpoint. So, and it's interesting. You've always told me that all of the time that I spent with Chloe was an investment. And I've always felt that way. I've always felt that all this time that I spend with her is an investment. And now that she's 15 and a half and there are times where I get frustrated.

And most of it is my own hurt feelings. She's like leaving, but, but she's a really good kid, but I still worry. I worry that she's going to make these decisions. But what's interesting is that because of all that time I spent and I made her feel safe. And I think that's the number one thing made her feel safe in knowing that no matter what it is, it's better to come to us than to not come to us. And so, and all of a sudden she, she comes and she's like, I need to talk to you about, I need, she, well, the way she approached it was she comes and she's like, mom, I want to know that you were serious, that I can talk to you about anything. I can talk to you about hard stuff. Cause I want to be, I need to be able to do that now. And I was like, oh my God,

like it worked. Like she actually, and so I was like, oh my God, like it worked. Like she actually, and so I was like, oh, like my heart's pounding. But I'm like, oh, of course. And so if you invest in that, your kids will begin to trust you. But if you shut them down or tell them they're wrong for how they feel, they will not. Or try to fix them. Active listening. Try to fix it. So we're talking about self-love and taking care of your relationships.

I know I feel the best when you and I are close. Yeah. And I am not happy. It's actually really rare when we're not close. Me too. It feels really off. So taking care of your relationships is clearly one way to take care of yourself. Taking care of your brain is a major way of take care of yourself. Taking care of your brain is a major way of taking care

of yourself. And I always want to differentiate self-care from self-centeredness. There's a difference. So I always think of it like this, like I've been very, very sick. So my values are God, health, family, and family comes after health. So that's self-care. I can't take care of my family if I am not healthy, like if I am sick, if I am dying or a burden to other people. So I can't do that. That's self-care because I want to be my best for the people I love. Self-centeredness is very different. That's where my world revolves around me. You know, I'm going to leave my kids, my teenagers at home so they can party because I want to go to the Bahamas. Like that's self-centeredness.

There's a big difference. You're so smart. Well, that should be fairly obvious, but in our society, it's not. Common sense is not that common. But just to back off what you said, Daniel and Tana, you also mentioned this as well, is that, you know, you need to care for yourself. You need to learn to love and care for your brain. Well, what are some things that people can do today aside from visiting Amen Clinics to have a better brain in life?

Well, that could be a great thing. And could be a great life, yeah. So we actually have a review I didn't read. Three Steps to Defeat Negative Thoughts by Delene's Boy. What a marvelous idea to stop negative thoughts. My biggest issue. I will put this plan to work. I will have to buy lots of paper and ink.

Clyde Glenn. Thank you, Clyde. And so self-love is one, knowing what you want, behaving in a way to get you what you want, loving your brain. And our little tiny habit for loving your brain takes three seconds. You just ask yourself, is this good for my brain or bad for it? And then you just need to know the list and not believing every stupid thing you think. Taking time to just focus on taking care of yourself. Like when you take time to meditate, to pray, to work out, that's good for you. But it's totally good for me because she's happier.

So are you saying it's self-love for you when you tell me go work out? Yes, I'm taking care of myself. Because I'm not that fun to be around. I'm stressed. So this is especially true for women is they're so other focused and you remember when you read the research about how having a baby changes a female brain it does going through menopause changes it back yeah so it's really fascinating so yeah so what happens is your brain becomes estrogenized right so you get pregnant and your brain becomes estrogenized, right?

So you get pregnant and your brain becomes estrogenized. And that's why you begin to nest. It's why you all of a sudden are focused on your family, especially your baby. That's where the mama bear thing comes in. So you all of a sudden, it's like, you'll do anything to keep your nest together and safe. You'll put up with stuff you would never put up with from everyone in your family because you, your number one goal, keep family safe. That's like, it's like a neon sign in your head. Keep family together, keep family safe. But then what happens is it's so interesting

that typically it's around menopause that your kids begin to leave the nest. It's like an interesting dynamic. Although now kids are leaving, women are having kids later, but it's typically around menopause. Kids begin to leave the nest and all of a sudden the brain becomes de-estrogenized and becomes testosterone dominant. And all of a sudden, all the stuff that you used to put up with and didn't bother you that much. Oh, you're just like, get out of my face. It's about me now. So all of you go away. That's actually a time where a lot of divorces happen. And women.

So that's the myth. The myth was that they thought men were going out finding younger women and men were filing for divorce. Not true. Most divorces are filed by women. 75% at that age. It's at that age, that stage. Wow. They're done so guys you want to support the hormone therapy yes that she wants to do with the integrative or functional yeah no i often say

that i'm well now i don't need it because i've had a hysterectomy but before like i often said like for 10 years i took progesterone so that I didn't end up on the evening news. Like, no joke. Like, I was like, I did not want to be divorced and I did not want to end up on the evening news. So it just. Why would you have been on the evening news? Dear Lord, I was so, like, I would just be prickly all of a sudden. Like, I'd be fine.

And then all of a sudden, like that time. Would you chase people on the freeway? No, that was, no, no. I'm not that dumb because I know they have guns. So I'm not going to do that. But I would think it. I like have this issue in my head. Like the language that comes out of my mouth in my car, not to other people.

All right. Self love. Stay with us. We're going to talk about agape when we come back. If you're enjoying the Brain Warriors Way podcast, We'll talk about agape when we come back. Use the code PODCAST10 to get a 10% discount on a full evaluation at amenclinics.com. For more information, give us a call at 855-978-1363.