Change Your Brain Every Day - What Is The Most Effective Form of Communication with Children? with Dr. Jay Faber

Episode Date: January 12, 2018

When a foster child comes into your life, they’ve often experienced trauma that makes it difficult for them to form new attachments. In this episode of The Brain Warrior’s Way Podcast, Tana Amen speaks with Dr. Jay Faber about his foundation ‘The Bony Pony Ranch’, and they discuss the methods used to build and maintain a solid, loving relationship with children.

Welcome to the Brain Warriors Way podcast. I'm Dr. Daniel Amen. And I'm Tana Amen. Here we teach you how to win the fight for your brain to defeat anxiety, depression, memory loss, ADHD, and addictions. The Brain Warriors Way podcast is brought to you by Amen Clinics, where we've transformed lives for three decades using brain spec imaging to better target treatment and natural ways to heal the brain. For more information, visit amenclinics.com.

The Brain Warriors Way podcast is also brought to you by BrainMD, where we produce the highest quality nutraceutical products to support the health of your brain and body. For more information, visit brainmdhealth.com. Welcome to the Brain Warriors Way podcast. So today on the Brain Warriors Way podcast, we have a special treat. Daniel is finishing his newest book. I would say his next book, but he's just constantly working on another one I think this is number 46 or something so I have one of our psychiatrists who's just wonderful dr. Faber thank you joining us today and I wanted him to join us because I went with you last year Daniel and I and

Chloe actually our daughter went with you to one of your charity events you're highly involved in something called the Bony Pony Foundation. Bony Pony Ranch. Ranch Foundation, yes. Yes. There you go, yes. And so we went with you. And initially, I didn't know what it was really about.

But when we went, I was very impressed. I really enjoyed it. And so I want to talk to you about what that is. I know you do a lot of work with foster kids, which touched really our own lives this last year. And so I want to talk to you a lot about that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So tell us a little bit about what it is. So, yeah, historically, the Boney Pony Ranch started off probably about 10 years ago.

A good friend of mine, Dr. Frank Ryan, plastic surgeon, had kids that were at risk go up to his ranch in Malibu. Okay. And we would teach them life skills. And then, unfortunately, Dr. Ryan passed away, and then I moved back to California. And some of the old members said, let's get this going again. So, boom. So, here we are getting the Pony Ranch. Yeah, it was really great.

You had a couple of the kids that you had worked with who were in foster care who had benefited from this foundation there speaking. And I was so impressed. And you know, you never know what's going to happen in your own life. And these things touch, I don't care who you are and what your family is like, they can touch your life. We never expected at that time that it was going to touch our own lives. And I, right after that, actually, we ended up, my nieces who lived out of state and who I hadn't seen for years because, you know, so one of my family sort of state and I hadn't seen for years because, you know, so one of my family sort of disappeared and I hadn't seen them for a while.

They went into foster care and it took us like the last year was pretty rough, like trying to, you know, work with them and get them out. But what happens with some kids in foster care, even if the foster care, even if it's not the worst stories that you hear, it can be pretty traumatic just going through that process. Yeah. Well, the whole process and the separation from your caregivers, no matter what the quality of the relationship is, it's, it's hard. And in fact, the younger the kids, the harder it becomes.

I had at one point worked at a hospital in Houston, and they had an adolescent and a child unit, and I had to go down and visit. The child unit had broken sinks, holes in the cement wall, and then on the adolescent side, where you'd think things would actually be worse, they had some scratches on the wall and marks, but nothing broke, and I said, well, what's going on?

And it was the fact that these kids were taken out of their homes. And so the anger, the fear, yeah, it's a lot harder than you are. Well, we, we certainly experienced it firsthand. I mean, my nieces, it was devastating and you have to think about what, what was going on in their lives before they even got put into that situation that made that happen to begin with. Clearly there's some skills missing. So that's what your foundation does. Yeah, our foundation really is set to help build healthier attachments with kids who have not had those attachments. And then second, teach them the life skills, the leadership skills that the schools may not necessarily be teaching

them. That's what we're doing now. Now that they're out now, we basically have adopted the whole family because we don't know what else. How do you rebuild a family that's been through what they've been through? We moved them down here and we've adopted the entire family because the family's broken. So rebuilding that entire structure is hard, but not everybody has a family who's going to do that, right? Right. So you spend a lot of energy helping these kids build those skills. And I got to tell you, it's a lot of work. It's a lot of energy.

It's a lot of work. And it's a lot of just building relationships. And trust. The connection, the trust issue. And you think of all the things they've been through. And all the things we mistakenly can do too. Like we'll meet next week. And if you don't meet next week for us, it's like, well, we'll call tomorrow for them. It's like, well, can I really believe they're going to call me at all?

Exactly. I mean, we're dealing with all of that. Yeah. It's like one of my nieces basically made the comment that my life has been a series of like periods of things being okay, but I'm always waiting for the next major tragedy and letdown. Yeah. So she goes, I almost would prefer it wasn't okay.

Yes. Because it just means the next big thing's about to happen. I'm like, wow. And I remember when I was a kid, I didn't, nothing like that. I didn't go into foster care, but I remember always thinking there's a white tiger hiding around every corner. Like it's that same idea. Like what's the next thing that's gonna happen

it's horrible yeah and it's scary when you think about and for foster kids they're afraid the foster parents aren't going to be there and so what's the fear I'll be on the streets and it's like and it sounds sort of maybe you know melodramatic but it's not it's like this is a real situation oh no it's survival everything It's like this is a real situation for these kids. Oh no, it's survival. Everything was survival. Getting my nieces just to believe that they could tell us the simplest things. And it wasn't that she wanted to lie. She looked at me and started crying.

She finally, I'm like, why is it you can't tell me something so simple? Like you can't trust me with something so simple. She looked at me and started to cry. She's such a good kid. She managed to get straight A's through this whole process, which is bizarre all on its own. She at me she goes survival yeah and I was like wow that's something I can't as bad as my situation was growing up I can't comprehend it being that bad so I just had

a whole new level of empathy for her so give us like two or three things that someone listening who might be struggling. Number one, like how could they reach out to you if they wanted to access? Oh, the Boney Pony Ranch. The best way to get a hold is go to our website, boneyponyranch.org. And you'll get all sorts of information about what we do, our board of directors, how to get in touch with us. So that is by far the best way right now to get. And I will tell you, after going through what I went through the last year with my nieces, your foundation means that much more. I have a very personal understanding of why a foundation

like this is so important, because not everyone can do what we are doing with our family. They need someone to help intervene and to help do that. Yes. So, you know, that's a really important thing. And what are a couple of tips that you could give someone who's struggling with youth that's, you know, maybe needs some intervention? What are a couple tips you would offer? Yeah, I mean, I find one of the best ways is sit down and have a lunch or dinner. It sounds simple, but it's amazing when you break bread. People are more open to tell you things that are really going on. And you will learn a lot.

Second, I would just have some kind of catch questions, just in case, so you know how to engage them on different things. And you could look in books. I mean, I like to use my own personal ones. Tell me something in your life that was really great that you remember and you'd be surprised just the answers you get tell me something that was sort of painful and you'd be surprised which it's amazing if you just listen isn't it yeah if you listen you know and that's a whole nother conversation of itself you know how to

really connect but yeah yeah it's amazing with teenagers so many parents always say oh my teenagers just won't talk to me. They just, they shut me out. One thing I learned, my daughter's friends and my daughter tell me way more than I've ever wanted to know. I'm like, I don't know how to shut them up. So it's really weird.

But what I found works is, like you said, as busy as we are, and we are incredibly busy people, we've made a point to have dinner together. I've always made a point to take time. When my daughter little i always read to her now it's just taking that time to spend some time together at night whatever if it's watching a little bit of her favorite tv show i don't care what it is spending a little bit of time together where i set everything aside but the big thing is i go for drives with her yes we set time aside every day she's homeschooling now but um even when she was in school,

we would leave extra early in the morning and when I would pick her up at the end of the day and I would make a point to go, whether it's Starbucks and get tea or whatever it is, take a drive down to the beach. I would just take that extra 10 minutes to go out of my way before I'd get home because there's something about being in the car

and there's no pressure and we're just driving. And I don't know why. And I know so many parents who say the same thing. There's something about being in the car and there's no pressure and we're just driving. And I don't know why. And I know so many parents who say the same thing. There's something about being in the car and just driving, ask a question and then shut up. And they just start spilling their guts. It's so weird. That's interesting.

I haven't thought of that, but that. I don't know why. And I know so many moms who say the same thing or they're driving and they're with their friends in the car. And for some reason, they're way more open to talking with their friends in the car and so you're just sitting there listening you're like wow are they really saying this in front of me do i really want to know this but you do too much information right but it's good yeah you know well that's how you learn and then again kids you know 12 13 year olds if you want to know where the trends are going i'll let you know

yep yep it's so great well thank, thank you so much. So, bonyponyranchfoundation.org? Yeah, bonyponyranch.org. Dot org. Yeah. Okay, dot org. So, just go there and you'll get all the information. Okay. Well, I really loved attending that event that we went to.

And it's such an important topic and one that is just so overlooked in our society. So, thank you. Well, great. Thank you for having me. Appreciate it. Thank you for listening to the Brain Warriors Way podcast. Go to iTunes and leave a review and you'll automatically be entered into a drawing to get a free signed copy of the Brain Warriors Way and the Brain Warriors Way cookbook we give away every month.