Change Your Brain Every Day - What is the Single Most Important Tip in Parenting a Teenager?

Episode Date: February 25, 2019

Being a teenager is one of the hardest and most difficult times in a person’s life. In fact, it’s almost as difficult as being the parent of one. In the first episode of a series on teenagers and parenting, Dr. Daniel Amen and Tana Amen share stories of their own younger years and give their golden rule when it comes to parenting teenagers.

Welcome to the Brain Warriors Way podcast. I'm Dr. Daniel Amen. And I'm Tana Amen. In our podcast, we provide you with the tools you need to become a warrior for the health of your brain and body. The Brain Warriors Way podcast is brought to you by Amen Clinics, where we have been transforming lives for 30 years using tools like brain spec imaging to personalize treatment to your brain. For more information, visit amenclinics.com. The Brain Warriors Way podcast is also brought to you by BrainMD, where we produce the highest quality nutraceuticals to support the health of your brain and body. To learn more, go to brainmd.com. Welcome back, Brain Warriors. Today, we are talking about teen week. We're going to discuss everything teen related. We've done

a lot on parenting, which tends to sort of go toward younger kids, but let's talk about teens this week. Oh my goodness. One of the hardest times of my life was being a teenager. Yeah, me too. And I am grateful that my parents did not kill me. It's funny, my mom always talks about me being a great teenager, and yet I remember it as being a very hard time in my life. So before we get to that, let's read one of the podcast reviews. We love it. If you would leave a review and tell us what you like, tell us what you don't like. Cause we're always trying to make this better and we're sort of in

it for the long run. I think, you know, we're 350 podcasts. We have 3.5 million downloads, which we're really excited. Thank you so much. This is from Jim on Tana's YouTube channel. Dear Tana, you and your husband, Dr. Daniel Amon, that's me, have helped me in weight loss and mind balance by keeping a peace of mind. Your words are gold. I love that. Thank you so much. I love that. So what we wanted to do in Teen Week is if you're going to parent teens,

one of the most important things you need to do is remember what it was like for you when you were a teenager, when your brain was not fully formed, right? The prefrontal cortex doesn't fully develop until you're in your mid to late 20s. And your psychological tasks, so you have all of this biology happening, hormones raging, new relationships, and you're going through the psychological tasks of independence and identity. Right. to be in charge of my life, even though my brain isn't developed, which can lead to some wacko decisions. And who am I? Right.

Separate. From you. From you. And that's hard. That actually will begin to lead to some very painful moments. No. For the child and for the parents. So I worked, I know you did, as a teenager, and I went to school,

although I wasn't very serious about the whole thing. I was much more serious about working girls. You were more serious about working girls or working the girls? Sort of both. Let's not say you were serious about working girls or working the girls? Sort of both. Let's not say you were serious about working girls. That just did not sound right at all. I was serious about work. I worked in my dad's grocery store.

And I spent a lot of time doing that. And I was good at it. Yeah. And I liked girls way more than chemistry or geometry. So you were a normal boy. I was a normal boy. And I also loved football, which actually did not love me back. Right.

Because I think at the time I got whacked. And it was hard. My dad sold his business. So he had a chain of grocery stores, S&A Foods, and he's a very successful business person. And then Arden Mayfair, which was a big food company, bought his stores. But my dad is very independent, right? Growing up, his favorite words that I remember were bullshit and no. And so he found quickly that he could not work for someone else.

Right. That sounds like my mom. They have a lot of similarities. Bullshit and no in my house. And I'm a teenager at the time, so he is stressed. My mom is always stressed because she has five daughters and two sons. And so I felt sort of invisible. Lost. And not connected to either of my parents, but especially not my dad.

So we ended up butting heads a lot. And it was not a great time because I think there was sort of a lack of connection. And it culminated when I turned 18, there was still a draft going on and I had to go sign up for the draft. And I had a low draft number, which meant I was probably going to be drafted. And I decided to join and he told me I couldn't do it. Which meant you were absolutely going to do it. But because we didn't have a relationship, as he said, I couldn't do it. That meant, well, I absolutely had to do it. And three weeks later, I have my head shaved. I'm at Fort Ord in Northern California with people screaming at me that I was a maggot. And I'm like, how did I go from a job, you know, car, girls, to being a maggot?

Right. Right. It was sort of a series of decisions, which actually turned out to be really good for me. Right. Because I say the Army is the ultimate good mother. Right. Because, you know, when you do the right things, they reward you, they promote you, they give you more money. And when you do the wrong things, they thump you.

They whack you. Right. Unconsistently, unemotionally. Right. Every time. Right. Just one is consistent. So I ended up coming out of the army way more grown up. If I

would have started college when I was 18, I would not have gone to medical school because I would not have done as well. And in the army, I got really a sense of purpose, discipline, and I had three more years of brain development so that when I went to college, I was a star because I could apply myself better. So many kids when they go to college, just straight out of high school, they don't do nearly as well because their brain is not as finished, if you will. So, so that's a little bit about my journey. What about yours? So mine was very different and yet we have some parallels. So most of our listeners know that I grew up with a lot of trauma,

drama, chaos, whatever, single mom, single working mom, but who actually had a couple of marriages. So I had two stepdads. One was a really bad guy and the other one was an interesting guy. I'll leave it at that. Um, so had a big influence on my life, but, but in a really weird way. Um, so, but, but the first 12 years of my life, she was a single mom and, um, she did not have a lot of education, but she was, she's, she's whip smart with ADD from hell and she's a very strong person. So it was, our relationship was interesting. My mom was one of those moms where we just, there was not a lot of education. There was not a lot of, you know, there was a lack of

finances. Um, and there was a lot of chaos and yet I could talk to my mom about anything when she was there. Let me clarify. When she was there. She was very open. And she did defend me. And so I think that is why I turned out okay. Now, is she a good listener? Because many ADD males or females, they're terrible listeners.

You know. They always have to say that thing on their mind rather than really. When she knew something was critical, she was. She had to know it was, like, you had to, like, be able to get her to listen. And she had to know it was really important. And because she was, like, so focused on her problems that it was often hard to do that. And I was a quiet kid. So I. You really?

I was really quiet. I was really timid. Until I had been through a couple of really hard times, like being molested. We're talking about teenage years. So being molested and then being attacked on the street walking to high school when I was 15. Those two events brought me out of my shell and really solidified my mind that I had to learn how to fight. And so I had to learn how to speak up and fight and be assertive. I don't think I've ever seen you go out of your shell.

Yeah, you won't. You probably never will again. I really learned how to be assertive after that. And cause it just initially I became angry and then I learned how to become assertive, but, but I didn't speak up very easily when I was young. And so there was this and I didn't know that I was actually kind of down as a teenager. I was actually probably down a lot, but I don't like, I still function. I went to know that I was actually kind of down as a teenager. I was actually probably down a lot. But I don't, like I still function.

I went to school. I don't know what depression is. Well, but looking back on it, you got depressed. And one of the things, one of the reasons you got depressed is you were very popular at the high school. As a cheerleader. Right. And you were connected to a good group. And then when your mom moved, and many people with ADD move, they moved like four times. Just before my junior year.

More than other people. And if you move then, it's the worst time to move that you were unplugged. Right. And it was really hard. And given how pretty you were and how well-developed you are, which most people don't know. Everybody goes, oh, well, that's really a great thing. No. But it's a nightmare. It's a really hard thing. For girls because they become objectified.

It was way too much attention way too young, and I didn't know how to handle it. And so there's that. So that was a little bit about my youth, I think. And that you can sort of see that. And that was a big part of sort of the issues with the stepdads and just issues that I dealt with in school and some of that. And so I became introverted, yet if you pushed me, like I sort of developed this attitude, you push me against a wall, I'm going to knock your teeth in. Like it was like, I'll stay out of your way, you stay out of mine. But if you push me against a wall, I'm going to metaphorically knock your teeth in.

Like it was just- Well, now with the second degree black belt, there's no metaphorically about it. Yeah, that's true. So for the people listening, what's really important, and I have a question for you, what's really important is you remember, if you're raising teenagers, you need to spend some time and reflect on what it was like for you as a child, whatever age that child is, unconsciously, you actually go back to that period of time in your mind and you're reliving those years in your own head. And so sometimes your reactions are not of a 45-year-old mom or a 55-year-old dad. It's of you reacting as if you're 15. I just had a huge light bulb moment. That's so funny that you just said that. Would you like to share? Yeah, because we have this 15-year-old,

15 and a half-year-old teenager who by any standard is just freaking amazing, right? She's 4.0. She's on student leadership at church. She's like doing community service. She's ridiculously, most people would just like die to have a kid that's this, this easy. Um, and, but she's 15 and so she's developing her. And here's the, here's the grind. Here's the rub. I, we raised her to be very strong, very independent to think for herself, very independent, to think for herself.

But now she's actually doing it. That's not easy. Like suddenly she's doing it. And the last three years, she's basically spent like almost all of her time, like connected to me. And she's listened to like almost everything I say, because she's just not one to, she's just not one to sort of reject what I have to say just because through her teen years. And so she's always sought my advice. And now all of a sudden she's like, I've sought your advice.

Now I'm going to make my own decisions. And I'm like, whoa, no, stop. Like I'm not ready for you to do this, even though her decisions aren't bad decisions, but it's just all of a sudden is freaking me out. And I don't know why it's freaking me out. And you just sort of, I had that light bulb moment when you said that it's because at that age, that was the hardest time in my life. And I wish I could go back sometimes and do it differently.

And so that was just a massive light bulb moment for me. And so because you wish you could go back and do it differently. I'm so scared she's going to do. Are you putting more pressure on her to do it differently for you? I might be. I didn't think I was, but I might be. So it's not conscious.

And what a lot of people don't know is half of their behavior is either automatic or fueled from the past. Yeah, no. And I even think to myself, why am I frustrated right now? She's doing what she's supposed to do. I know logically she's doing what she is supposed to do. Now, before we have to stop this session, and maybe this is a question for the next session,

how much of your adolescence should you tell her? So, so many- Oh, well, I probably don't follow the rules on this. So many parents lie- Yeah, I don't. To their children. They make it seem like they were perfect human- I do not do that.

Teenagers. When in fact they were not so perfect human teenagers. I don't do that intentionally. I don't do it intentionally. So how much do you tell them about the sex

do you tell them about the alcohol do you tell them about the pot because you're

or do you lie to them because you want them to be perfect like you were not perfect

do you want me to actually answer this or are we going to the next podcast? Stay with us. When we come back, we're going to talk about how much to share and how much should you not overshare. Stay with us. If you're enjoying the Brain Warriors Way podcast, please don't forget to subscribe so you'll always know when there's a new episode. And while you're at it,

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