Change Your Brain Every Day - What to Do When a Loved One is in Denial About Their Health

Episode Date: December 25, 2018

It can be hard enough just to focus on maintaining our own health day to day, so having a partner who is on board with your plight can make a huge positive difference. However, when loved ones are in denial about their own health, it can make your efforts much more difficult. In this episode of The Brain Warrior’s Way Podcast, Dr. Daniel Amen and Tana Amen teach how you can reframe the discussion of mental/brain health in order to help the ones your love get their brains right.

Welcome to the Brain Warriors Way podcast. I'm Dr. Daniel Amen. And I'm Tana Amen. Here we teach you how to win the fight for your brain to defeat anxiety, depression, memory loss, ADHD, and addictions. The Brain Warriors Way podcast is brought to you by Amen Clinics, where we've transformed lives for three decades using brain spec imaging to better target treatment and natural ways to heal the brain. For more information, visit amenclinics.com.

The Brain Warriors Way podcast is also brought to you by BrainMD, where we produce the highest quality nutraceutical products to support the health of your brain and body. For more information, visit brainmdhealth.com. Welcome to the Brain Warriors Way podcast. Welcome back. Today, we're going to talk about what you should do when a loved one is in denial about needing help. This is something we have dealt with a lot over time. But before we get into this, you have a review and you have a smile on your face. Well, because it's very apropos to what you just said.

So this is from Lloyd of Rochester. Lloyds of Rochester. Okay. So thank you for your podcast. This one may get through to certain unhappy people in my life much better than anything I could say to them. Yeah, it's human nature. So I think I'm getting out of this that he recommends it to people when he wants to say something and can't say it. So when people are in denial, right? Well, it's so common. I think I mentioned I'm beginning to work on a new book

called The End of Mental Illness. Nobody wants to see a psychiatrist. No one wants to be labeled as defective or abnormal. But everybody wants a better brain. And I remember when I told my dad in 1980 I wanted to be a psychiatrist. He asked me why I didn't want to be a real doctor, why I wanted to be a nut doctor and hang out with nuts all day long. And it hurt my feelings. And 40 years later, I completely get why he said that. And when you say, I want to just elaborate for one second, because sometimes I think we say that so often, we sort of gloss over everybody wants a better brain.

When you say everybody wants a better brain, everybody wants to be, because what that really means is you want to be happier. You want to be more successful. You want to be more connected. You want to be more purposeful, more giving, more. Smarter. That's what it means to have a better brain. Right? So it's not just about, oh, this organ that I have.

It's about when you have a better brain, all of those things happen. So reframing the discussion to brain health, it gets people excited about getting help rather than feeling ashamed to get help. So I trained, I did my child psychiatry fellowship in Hawaii. And Hawaii is an Asian culture. 40% of the cultures, either Chinese or Japanese, and they're a shame based culture and they don't seek help for mental illnesses. And do you remember when we were in England and we were hanging out for Winford and he said, if you go see a therapist or a psychiatrist, they really look down on you

that your death is what he said. Well, and my friend from China, I just had lunch with a friend from China and she was struggling with some things with her kids. And she said to me something very interesting. I was saying, well, you know, have you tried this or this? And she said, oh no, we don't talk about that in our culture. And she's from China. So she's not American Chinese. And so I said, what do you mean you don't talk about it? She said, no, we are all about success and power.

Success and power. You don't talk about anything that has anything to do with this. Which is why there's a high suicide rate. Right. And why they're struggling. She's like, and she's very evolved. She's very self-evolved, but she's having a hard time verbalizing this with the rest of her family. And like many Asian people, they'll do anything for success and power for their children.

And so if we just reframe the discussion from mental health to brain health, well, they'll do anything to give their child an advantage And I mean, that's really what we talk about here on the brain warriors way How can we give you a competitive advantage? Because your competitive advantage is what's going on in the moment-by-moment function between your ears, right? So So what should you do if a loved one is in denial? We have tips. Try the straightforward approach first, but with a brain twist. Clearly tell the person what behaviors you're concerned about.

You're good at that. Tell him or her what the problems may be, that the problems may actually be due to a brain that may not be firing right. And so many people, they lead people to my TED Talk, Change Your Brain, Change Your Life. I think it's got 2 million views. And it really reframes the discussion. Give the loved one information. So books, videos, articles.

If you bring it up and they just deny it, plant seeds. I love what you call it, doing a drive-by. Doing a drive-by. Right, a little hit and run. So, you know, say something and then don't say it again because don't ruin the relationship over it because don't ruin the relationship over it. Because if you ruin the relationship over it, you have no influence. And I am about manipulation and influence.

A little Machiavellian in me. So protect the relationship. Give them new hope. And there comes a time when you have to say enough is enough. That if somebody is not going to get help, you don't have to stay with them for long enough. Because we cannot force people into treatment. But it's giving them that different spin on mental health issues. Well, and I think if I could add something to that,

because I've sadly been through this a lot with several people in my family. One thing, if there's anything, I mean, I have no problem with the drawing boundaries part, zero zip, because I've had to, sadly, I've had to. Just for my own sanity, I've had to growing up. But there are some relationships, like you said, you're just not willing to blow up. You're not willing to let go of,

whether it's a parent or a child or whatever. And so the thing that I've sort of learned is meeting people where they're at. Like I come home, like you said, like you're my person. I come home and I'm like, ah! And so we talk about it and you help me sort of like, you know, deal with it personally, but not so much blow up that relationship. And then what I try to do is meet them where they're at and find a way to gain rapport with them and then find the right

time to say it in a way that they can hear it. Cause if you try to say it at a time, they can't hear it. It's just not ever going to get through. And there are ways to say things and there are ways to say things, right? So is it done with empathy and love and thoughtfulness or are you just dumping on them? Right. And there are times like literally, I mean, your thing you told me, you're like, you know, I think you need to go to karate and just go beat something up. And it's just true. I mean, you have to have a way that you don't take it out on the person. So a healthy way, a healthy outlet for yourself because it's frustrating.

Right. So have a healthy outlet. So talking to you, going to karate, like having my little nest, you know, that I, that is safe. Like those are things that I do that keep me from just like going crazy. Well, and I remember for so many years, my dad wouldn't get healthy and that made me sad because I love him. And, you know, like called me a nut doctor. And then when I got healthy, he called me a health nut. He said, what's with you and the nuts? You're like, nuts are good for you. But because I consistently live the message of my life, when he got sick, he said, I'm tired of being sick. What do you want me to do?

And so I didn't blow up the relationship. When he didn't do what I wanted him to do when I wanted him to do it, I mean, literally it's 20 years later, but because I'm consistent, I'm loving, I live the message of my life that when he needed me, he trusted me. Yeah, and I've been through that with family members too, even just recently. So, um, and I, you know, I think the thing you're really good at is being assertive, um,

and persistent in a loving way. And so you just think about when we talked about relating from feel better fast, you know, it's I'm responsible. What's my part in the relationship, but you have empathy for the other person. You listen, you're assertive. And drawing boundaries is healthy. I'm very clear now at this stage of my life about what I can control and what I am willing to do, not what I can make someone else do. So, you know, this is what I'm willing to do because this is what's healthy for me and my family. And I can't make you do anything that you don't want to do, but I'm not willing to do these things

and I am willing to do these things. You will either be a part of our family or not with the choices you make. So we want you to be a part of our family. So I will be sad if you choose not to be. So if you have someone in your life that is struggling, get them a copy. Feel better fast and make it last. Or change your brain, change your life. Or if you think they have ADD, healing ADD, all of these resources we create for you. Stay with us.

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