Change Your Brain Every Day - What You Need to Know When Caring for Someone in Need

Episode Date: March 18, 2019

Being a caregiver is not easy. It’s a lot of work, it’s stressful, and it can feel unrewarding when you don’t see the results you were expecting. In this episode of The Brain Warrior’s Way Podcast, Dr. Daniel Amen and Tana Amen discuss the role of the caregiver, and tips to help you take better care not only of your loved ones, but of yourself, as well.

Welcome to the Brain Warriors Way podcast. I'm Dr. Daniel Amen. And I'm Tana Amen. In our podcast, we provide you with the tools you need to become a warrior for the health of your brain and body. The Brain Warriors Way podcast is brought to you by Amen Clinics, where we have been transforming lives for 30 years using tools like brain spec imaging to personalize treatment to your brain. For more information, visit amenclinics.com. The Brain Warriors Way podcast is also brought to you by BrainMD, where we produce the highest quality nutraceuticals to support the health of your brain and body. To learn more, go to brainmd.com. Welcome to caregiver week. So we have been spending a lot of time caregiving actually as a nurse. I should have married a nurse first because they like caregiving.

You should have married this nurse first. I should have married this nurse. Only this nurse. Yes, my life has been so much better since I've been with you. Caregiver week. We're going to talk about the ins and outs, stresses, joys of taking care of other people. Actually, it's interesting here at Amen Clinics, 60% of our patients are male, but 70% of the calls to the call center are females. And so honoring caregivers and also giving you some tips on how to navigate

this without feeling either homicidal or suicidal could be really helpful for you. We hope. Right. You have a review. You want to read? Yes. I have a testimonial. This physician recommends listening to dr amon

a happy healthy brain is the key to living a perfectly healthy body with a depressed anxious or disrupted mind does not produce a happy life but there are many examples of people who have impaired bodies who live and are happy behavior and nutrition determine brain function and in the end can even overcome genetic predisposition to brain disease. This podcast gives brief, encouraging, easy to understand information supported by evidence on real changes people can make to optimize brain function and happiness. Dr. Amen doesn't keep this information secret or use it for personal gain, but rather he shares it freely. Have a free visit with Dr. Amen every day by listening to his podcast. I love that.

Have a free visit with the doctor. I love that too. Although I totally use it for myself, right? And then I get to share it with you. And so caregiving has been virtually part of my whole adult life. Yeah. I remember when I got married when I was a second year medical student, my first wife tried to kill herself a couple of months later.

And I'm trying to fix her. And you were a resident. I wasn't a resident. I was a medical student. Oh, medical student. So I knew nothing. And you were a resident. I wasn't a resident. I was a medical student. Oh, medical student. That's hard. So I knew nothing. And you were busy.

Like, what do you do? Quit or figure out how to do this with like, you know, that schedule? Juggling all those balls. And it was really the unpredictability that was so hard. Right. But I think one of the smartest things I did is right away I reached out to the chairman of the Department of Psychiatry at ORU

where I went to medical school and he was so helpful. So tip number one for caregivers is find professionals you trust that can help you in a difficult situation. Yeah, because if you're in over your head with something you don't really understand, it can be dangerous for you and the other person. So if you don't really know, even if it's something physical, a physical problem, and you're trying to take care of someone,

you can end up inadvertently hurting someone if you don't know how to manage it. Well, and one of the most common things that happens, and it happens with nurses, it happens with doctors, is called compassion fatigue. It's, you know, initially you just want to be so helpful. You want to jump in and fix the situation. But when you begin to realize the issue is chronic, that it's not like an infection, that you give them an antibiotic and five days later, everything's wonderful. Then over time, you get worn out. And so tip number two is you got to take care of yourself. Well, and you also need to take care of yourself physically because the other problem with nurses is they get physical injuries a lot.

So if you're taking care of someone else, you are oftentimes sacrificing your own posture or you're doing certain things that you wouldn't normally do because you're taking care of a person that you love. And so you might be even doing things you know you, you're not supposed to do lifting and doing things. Um, so you have to be really careful and make sure you're doing things the correct way, get the help you need. And you've been a caregiver ever since you were a little girl, because you spent a lot of time caring for your grandmother who had diabetes. And I remember one of your stories is when you were 10 or 11 and they taught you how to give shots. I was 11 when they taught me how to give shots to an orange, insulin shots.

Right. But you couldn't kill the orange. Right. It was a scary thought. Yeah. Right. Right. So what triggered caregiving week is someone close to us had surgery. Right. So what triggered caregiving week is someone close to us had surgery.

Right. And she has two children. And so not only were you there for the doctor visits and the surgery, we then had her stay at our house. With the kids. And the one thing I want to say to people who have more than one child, dear Lord, it's busy. I'm busy with one child. And all of a sudden I'm like, oh my gosh, I have three stops to make.

Oh my gosh, I have like three kids to get to different things. It was crazy. And the amount of food that people go through when they have a whole bunch of kids is insane. I had this huge, like awakening to this whole idea of having a house full of kids and people and someone you're taking care of at the same time. It was pretty crazy. Um, but the first thing that I did, and I'm really lucky that I can do this. I want to acknowledge that I am grateful and lucky, um,

was delegate. So because I am able to ask for help, I've got an amazing community. It's one of the things we talk about is your social circle and making sure that you've got a community around you. Um, so do your best to find people that can be helpful to you because you were helpful in the mornings. You're gone during the day, but you're super helpful in the mornings. I made breakfast. Made breakfast and would help drive the kids to school. But then also I've got other people like, you know, assistants and things like that at work, which they're not used to doing that. They had to like sort of rally, but try to find people who might be able to help out because it got a little crazy. Cause I had a person who can't bend or turn or literally like turn her head or do anything for herself. So leaving that person alone is probably not a good

idea. So it gets challenging, you know? So what were some of the emotions you had to wrestle with? Mostly just fatigue. It was mostly just, it was mostly just rushing. I can't get all this done being fatigued, you know, at the end of the day, being tired. Oh no, no, that's not true. Most of the emotions I wrestled with were being completely annoyed by the medical system. That was my primary. I was so annoyed and just, um, you know, yeah, it was, I'm not, and I'm not that patient. I'm an ICU nurse. So when I see incompetence, I'm not super empathic toward the person who's being incompetent when I'm trying to take care of someone I love.

But it's actually not effective to be a pansy. Yeah, I wouldn't call me that. When dealing with the medical system. No, I think what you did was very effective. And I think it would be instructive for caregivers. So when the person is not used to dealing with the medical system and they want to be liked rather than accomplish what you need to. So she would call and be really nice. She didn't want to be a pain.

She didn't want to be a burden. So she wasn't telling the truth about what she was really going through. She was trying to sugarcoat it and using way too many words. And then they were like literally basically getting her off the phone and not doing anything. And so I'm like, okay, let me help you out with this. And the, where I learned this from was because when I went to work on a level a trauma unit, a neurosurgical ICU unit, it was a combined unit. Um, that is one busy unit. And in defense of the, in defense of the medical system, in defense of the physicians, okay. just to play both sides, they're overwhelmed also.

They're like, it's a busy, you know, hospitals are busy places. So they're going to take, they triage. They take what's the most critical, the most important, and that's what they focus on. Anything else, they're going to push aside. And if you can't impress upon them that what you're trying to say is important, they're not going to take it that seriously. They're going to push it off until later. And so when I first went to work on a, on a unit like that, the first thing that the nurses told me when I went there, you're going to get eaten alive. You are not going to survive here. You're way too nice. And I had no idea what they meant. It took me about week to figure out. I was way too nice. I was getting shuffled aside. So I learned how to be very clear, make my first words count the most, be

very, not just clear, but very assertive in how I say it. So get it through quickly and adamantly. And you don't have to be mean. No, you are assertive. You are adamant. Because meanness doesn't get you what you want. Well, what is it that they say? So honesty without compassion is just cruelty. But you're not always super compassionate when you're trying to deal with a whole bunch of doctors and no one's listening to you. You learn how to be pretty intense.

So I love what you said. Make the first sentence. Make the first word you say meaningful. So say what you need. Right up front. Up front. Use less words because they're busy. Now, when it comes to caregivers, I want you to practice saying this. I have to think about it.

So when someone asks you to do something for them and you have a full plate, so many of us, I used to be like this. I mean, you want to be light and you want to be nice and you see yourself as a nice person. And so someone says, hey, can you do this? Oh yes. And I don't want you to do that anymore. What I want you to do is let me think about that. And then just take a moment and go, does this fit the goals I have for my life and the time I have? For your family. And if it does, then go, yes, I can do that. But if it doesn't, go, oh, I'm really sorry. My schedule is just so full. I can do that. But if it doesn't go, oh, I'm really sorry. My schedule is just so full.

I cannot do that. One thing I learned from you and I really like this is you don't have to just say no. It's, you know, no, thank you. There's a way to say things and there's a way to say things. You can be, you can say the same thing and one can sound harsh and one can sound kinder. So, or not right now. That sound harsh and one can sound kinder. Or not right now. That was the other one that you taught me.

It was not right now. I can't do it right now. In the mirror in the morning. I have to think about this. Right. Because too often people just say yes when then they get overwhelmed and they not only hate themselves, they hate the people they're caring for. Yeah. people they're caring for. So when we come back, we're going to talk about if you have children who are hurting or emotionally troubled, how do you deal with that? Stay with us. If you're enjoying the Brain Warriors Way podcast, please don't forget to subscribe.

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