Change Your Brain Every Day - When Is It Okay to “Let Go”?

Episode Date: April 19, 2021

Dr. Daniel Amen and Tana Amen share personal parenting experience and discuss when is the right time to allow teenagers to make more adult decisions.

Welcome to the Brain Warriors Way podcast. I'm Dr. Daniel Amen. And I'm Tana Amen. In our podcast, we provide you with the tools you need to become a warrior for the health of your brain and body. The Brain Warriors Way podcast is brought to you by Amen Clinics, where we have been transforming lives for 30 years using tools like brain spec imaging to personalize treatment to your brain. For more information, visit amenclinics.com.

The Brain Warriors Way podcast is also brought to you by BrainMD, where we produce the highest quality nutraceuticals to support the health of your brain and body. To learn more, go to brainmd.com. Hey, everybody. We have a very special week for you, and it actually speaks to our own pain. I think we should call this week- You're always picking on me. I think we should call this week growing up and going away. And letting go. Letting go. I feel like you pick on me a lot on this podcast. I wonder, we should take a poll.

Do the people listening think I pick on you or do they think you pick on me? It's a good question. But notice that I am the, what's the word? Material. Yeah, I'm the material that you use a lot. So if I pick on you, it's because of that. I think everybody in my life has been the material. I know. How come you're not the material? To my mom, to, oh, if you read, your brain is always listening. There's all sorts of crazy bad things about me in that book. But anyways, welcome to the Brain Warriors Way podcast. We're going to talk about normal development and the big tasks of adolescence are identity and independence.

I want to make my own decisions. And who am I separate from you? And that's normal. And I think God created it that way so that when these children we love so dearly go away that we don't miss them that much. Well, my child came out of the womb, like with her hands on her hips at two and a half years old and said, I'm the leader, I'm the boss. I knew there was always going to be this, like she was never just going to do what I said. So that was not going to happen. Like I had this illusion. I don't know, but I had this illusion that I was going to have a baby. I

was going to like be this great mother. I was going to tell her what to do. She's going to do what I said. And it was all going to be good. Did not, did not happen that way. I'm the leader. I'm the boss. And she was just so stubborn. So I knew she wasn't just going to do everything I said, but you can't be a trauma nurse and work in a trauma unit and not be protective. So I know where you're going with this, the letting go part. I know where you're going with this, but it's not that I don't want to let go. It's just, I need to protect her. I mean, mean yes I'm having a hard time letting her go because she's like one of my best friends but besides you you two are my only like best friends so but but you can't see what I saw it's not quite that pathetic you have other friends

that adore you and that you spend time with it's not quite that pathetic sort of but but you can't see what I saw well I knew it I knew I had to start letting go a little bit when she was going to preschool and they told me you have to leave because she won't climb the ladder to the slide because she's like, it's dangerous, mommy. It's dangerous. And so from a neuropsychiatrist that sees traumatic brain injury as the number one cause for many people with mental health issues and a neurosurgical ICU nurse who saw people, who saw their physical brains because they had skull fractures, What you do as a job clearly impacts how you parent. And now that what Chloe's doing is normal,

as she normally pulls away, what are the best strategies for you when you have children that go through normal stages of development? Is it helpful to cling? I'm not clinging. I'm protecting. Is it helpful to cling? Protect some?

I don't know who might say overprotect. So what's the right balance? Okay. I have to defend myself here. No, no, I'm not attacking you. I'm asking you because you learned parenting with love and logic and it was so helpful and and parenting with love and logic means by the time they get to 17 if you've been doing this for 10 years which you have she's already responsible oh she is she's already capable of being on her own so i have no you have to deal with your own sadness but let's separate a couple things I have no doubt. You have to deal with your own sadness. But let's separate a couple of things. I have no doubt my daughter can live on her own and take care of herself now.

I actually have no doubt. I actually am not, I'm comfortable with the idea that she's going to go away to college. I'm sad for me. What I'm, what I'm still struggling with is the actual, this is what I told her. Like when you use all the logic,

it's really helpful for letting go of, of control of certain things so um kids are at this age where they make adult consequences they turn 13 they're not with their parents all the time they make they make adult decisions which means they have to pay adult consequences if they make bad decisions but but they're not adults yet so things like pregnancy right right, exactly. STDs, car accidents, drinking and driving. These are things that we can't protect them from. And they're going to make those decisions.

You know, either they're going to make good decisions or bad decisions. So those are things that I've really spent a lot of time like honing in and teaching her. It's like, I can't control the things you do. I know I'm aware of that. But when parents help children make these decisions, it's mixed with excitement. It's mixed with remembering what it was like for us. Although when I was 18, I went into the army.

I wasn't doing anything like what she's doing I was like that nearly was responsible right so I've actually seen a lot of patients over the years that got depressed when their kids went away oh it's I started getting depressed a year and a half ago. It's a loss. And so the important thing is to understand it's brain development that, you know, wanting to separate is normal, but having enough supervision, especially with vulnerable kids is really important. So one thing that helped me, I started to get really depressed about a year and a half ago.

Cause she was like, we were attached to the hip. Mommy, you're my best friend. I hope you live to be 110. Cause I never want to leave you. I'm never going to college. Wait, like I'm going to be as close to home as I can be like all of this stuff. Right. And then all of a sudden she turned 16 and that just went out the window.

She did. She wanted to be gone. She didn't want to be close to me. She still liked me. We were still friends, but she was very independent all of a sudden. And I was devastated. And I'm like, wait, what happened? Do you want to be with me until you're old? Like that just went out the window and you kept reminding me it was normal, but I was so sad because all of a sudden she was independent. So I got a headstart on it, but. But what helped was I went and I actually did some EMDR therapy over it because I was actually really sad. It's like I knew it was normal.

I didn't want to stunt her growth because of my own issues, I suppose. But I went and did some EMDR because I'm like, why am I so sad over something that's so normal? Like I was really like just not good in a good place. And it really helped me. The EMDR really helped because what I was able to replace those negative thoughts with like, Oh, she's leaving me. Oh, I'm so sad. Oh, this is, it's like, I realized it was sort of all about me and I replaced it with how proud I am of her and how excited I am for her. And then I also filled that gap with all the fun things I'm going to start doing. And then I'm going to spend time with you,

and I'm going to go do some of the hiking trips I've always wanted to do with things that were open up and all of these things. And back to karate. Right, back to the things that I sort of set aside because my life became about being a mom have a little bit more space so the big point of this is there's normal development now she's one of those kids where if she goes off to school in another state, she's responsible enough and has that history where she does well in school because it's hers to do, not because we have to supervise.

There are other kids when they turn 18, well, emotionally, they're sort of 16. And it's critical because their brain is actually not finished developing till they're 25 or six or seven, somewhere around there. It's critical to have enough supervision to keep them safe. And it's an independent decision. When we come back, we're going to talk more about the art of letting go. Did you learn anything? Write it down. Pick a picture of it.

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