Change Your Brain Every Day - When Unconditional Love Isn’t Enough

Episode Date: December 2, 2020

No one ever said parenting was an easy job. There’s a lot of work that goes into helping kids grow into functioning, stable adults, and as referenced in this week’s highlighted story from Tana Amen’s new book, sometimes even unconditional love isn’t enough. Dr. Daniel Amen and Tana Amen draw on one of the most dramatic stories from “The Relentless Courage of a Scared Child” to illustrate how hard a child’s life can be when addiction is present in the household, as well as what happened when the Amens were unexpectedly thrown into parent/caretaker roles for someone else’s children.  For more information on Tana's new book, "The Relentless Courage of a Scared Child", visit relentless courage.com For info on Tana Amen's upcoming free live virtual event, visit tanaamen.com/event

Welcome to the Brain Warriors Way podcast. I'm Dr. Daniel Amen. And I'm Tana Amen. In our podcast, we provide you with the tools you need to become a warrior for the health of your brain and body. The Brain Warriors Way podcast is brought to you by Amen Clinics, where we have been transforming lives for 30 years using tools like brain spec imaging to personalize treatment to your brain. For more information, visit amenclinics.com. The Brain Warriors Way podcast is also brought to you by BrainMD, where we produce the highest quality nutraceuticals to support the health of your brain and body. To learn more, go to brainmd.com. We're in week five, the relentless courage of a scared child. And this is really about the story of the impact of chronic, relentless trauma on a six-year-old and an 11-year-old.

And it's a heartbreaking story. And this is why you never use drugs, because you saw up front how painful it was. My uncle, the one who was a heroin addict, who now is not, he often says the one thing he's grateful for from doing heroin is he gave me shock therapy. Shock therapy. But your sister didn't get the shock therapy or didn't take. And we get involved with these two little girls, basically. So we're in the middle of that story, but before we proceed,

we're so grateful for the reviews that you leave us. This one is from Rluna1 at NYC. I learned about Dr. Raymond through another psychiatrist. First, I used his online store to buy supplements and vitamins and felt very happy with them. Thank you so much. Then I learned about the deep work he has been doing with the brain. And because I've been following the development of brain science, I began to appreciate him even more. His podcasts with his wife are so informative and practical. I feel very well informed. I love that. Thank you so much. Um, so I guess the theme for this podcast is grace in the, sometimes the illness wins. Yeah.

And despite all of our efforts, um, sometimes people don't get well. And, and it's complicated because sometimes they don't get well because the disease wins. Sometimes they don't get well because they're not ready to take on certain issues. Um, you know, that was certainly true in my sister's case. Um, we had, you know, world-class care for her, wrap turn services, you know, um, and she would just break down and go into this deep depression and cry and cry and cry. And she told me she just, even though she's got this great therapist, she's like, I can't talk to the therapist about this stuff because she was so, the words she used were, it's going to swallow me. I mean, that's how she felt. If I talk about it, it will swallow me. And so she just couldn't face

it. And if you can't address your own illness, if you can't take it on, then nobody can make you do that if you're not ready. No, that's true. Although, you know, for my patients, when they get to that point, I want them to go toward the pain, not away from it. Because when you block it, it then swallows you. See, I just want to beat it. I understand. That totally fits your personality. But so it turned out that, you know, one of the biggest gifts I think she gave the kids was the freedom to live with us.

So we had our ups and downs. I'm not the most patient person with that type of behavior, with the behavior that goes along with addiction. It's a trigger for me because of my childhood. So I was pretty bossy and pretty strong because we had, the stakes were high. I had to get my nieces out. And so I'd get really frustrated. You were bossy? Yeah. Bossy, bitchy, loud. I've been called all of those.

Such a surprise. So it's okay. I'm okay with that. People have been listening to us for a while, probably can't even imagine. I know, right? So, and I tried to disconnect from her for a few probably can't even imagine. I know, right? And I tried to disconnect from her for a few times. And you are probably the main reason I didn't disconnect from her. I mean, you're really helping me understand that people with addiction don't get better in a straight line. But there was a point where I finally had just had enough and it was her. She said something that really caused me to rethink how I felt and not disconnect. And it was not only did she talk about how this was more than just

her, this was about more than just her addiction, but she's like, you know, up until now, no one has talked about my mental health, but I still, she's like, you know, you still think this is my addiction. It's my mental health as well. And that really gave me more empathy as a nurse, but also she then did the hardest thing I can think of for any mother. And then that was when she said, you know, she was just crying her eyes out. And she said, I love these girls. I love being a mother, but I, it's not enough for them. That's not enough for them. They need consistency, reliability, structure, and a safe place. And she's like,

I have work to do. And so when she said that, she's like, I will always do that work. I'm going to keep doing that work in the hopes that I'm that person one day. But I couldn't imagine what that would feel like if I had to say those words. And so that really, you know, just made me, that made me respect her at a different level that she was willing to do the hardest thing ever. And that is ask us to, to let her kids live with us. Yeah. That, that is so hard because it goes against the bond, But sometimes, and I know some of you listening are raising your grandchildren or you're raising nephews. Yeah. What we're doing is not all that

unique, but we have the ability to do it And they clearly had the need. And so sometimes it's important to say, sometimes the illness wins. Yeah. And I know some of you are living with loved ones who had killed themselves. And I've treated so many families over the year where they just live with guilt. Yet people who die from a heart attack,

their loved ones don't live with the guilt or who die with cancer or who die from a stroke. They don't live with the guilt. Somehow mental illness is thought of differently. And the whole point behind Relentless Courage of a Scared Child or my book, The End of Mental Illness, is these are brain health issues, and they steal your mind. This is why you want to impress upon your kids that they need to just stay away from drug abuse because it steals people's minds now it doesn't steal everybody's mind and that's where i think it gets confusing for some people but you didn't do drugs i didn't experiment with i tried pot twice and i was like ew this is just yeah and because i just thought it was like playing russian roulette and some people like playing russian roulette i don't like playing russian roulette but there's a significant level

of the population where it literally hijacks their mind and in tamra case, exactly what happened. It hijacked her mind. And the great father. And she's working on it. But it's a process that goes positive and then not so much and then positive and not so much. But there are millions of people who've broken addictions. Of course, be smart, don't start. But if you struggled with it, keep after it until you break those bonds. And part of it is by living a brain warrior's way life. And if you are a person who has tried to help over and over and over, whether it's your

kids or, you know, a family member, um, a sibling to get, to get well, to get clean. Um, and it hasn't worked, you know, there's a certain, I mean, it's don't think of like you failed or they failed. Um, it's, it's not your fault that, that for whatever reason they weren't ready or they just couldn't do it yet. I mean, or even if it's mental illness, you know, it's, if they're not ready or they can't do it, there are times that it's, you know, maybe now is not the time, maybe it's going to happen later. But drawing boundaries is important too. So even with my sister, I think we talked about that in the last episode. It's like, I have have her we have her girls now but there are still some pretty strong boundaries we're actually going to talk about it coming up yeah so we will

talk about boundaries and what that means to your own sanity um to your own you know mental well-being um and but it's not it's not your fault so so what did you learn? There's a lot to unpack in this story, which has a very good ending. Stay with us. What did you learn? Write it down. Post it on any of your social media sites. The thing I would post is sometimes illness wins, right? There's only so much people can do. Yeah. How many of you have taken care of someone or tried to be invested and you felt like either you failed or you were just disappointed and you were angry about it? We want to hear about it because it's not your fault if someone else just isn't ready or they're not in the right place to receive the help or they just can't for some reason. So we want to hear from you. And I love to hear from you on Instagram. That's where I answer most of my questions, Instagram and Facebook. So I'd also be grateful if you did pre-order the book. I have a whole bunch of

gifts for people, almost $500 worth of gifts. So if you go to relentlesscourage.com, check out the gifts and there's no obligation, but would love your support and would love, you know, I think pain shared is pain divided. So I would love to have you on this journey with me. Stay with us. If you're enjoying the Brain Warriors Way podcast, please don't forget to subscribe so you'll always know when there's a new episode. And while you're at it, feel free to give us a review or five-star rating as that helps others find the podcast. If you're considering coming to Amen Clinics or trying some of the brain healthy supplements from BrainMD,

you can use the code podcast10 to get a 10% discount on a full evaluation at amenclinics.com or a 10% discount on all supplements at brainmdhealth.com. For more information, give us a call at 855-978-1363.