Change Your Brain Every Day - Why It’s Important to Pay Attention To Your Subconscious Communication

Episode Date: November 6, 2018

Whether we’d like to admit it or not, our own behaviors subconsciously teach other people how to treat us. So how can we teach others to treat us better? In this episode, Dr. Daniel Amen and Tana Amen use some of the material from Dr. Amen’s new book Feel Better Fast and Make It Last to teach us the communication skills that will keep us from being constantly treated poorly.

Welcome to the Brain Warriors Way podcast. I'm Dr. Daniel Amen. And I'm Tana Amen. Here we teach you how to win the fight for your brain to defeat anxiety, depression, memory loss, ADHD, and addictions. The Brain Warriors Way podcast is brought to you by Amen Clinics, where we've transformed lives for three decades using brain spec imaging to better target treatment and natural ways to heal the brain. For more information, visit amenclinics.com.

The Brain Warriors Way podcast is also brought to you by BrainMD, where we produce the highest quality nutraceutical products to support the health of your brain and body. For more information, visit brainmdhealth.com. Welcome to the Brain Warriors Way podcast. Welcome back. We're talking about feel better fast and make it last. We've talked about brain and rational mind. The A in our brainL mnemonic is attachments. And I'm completely attached to you. And that makes me happy.

So take care of yourself. I have so many of my patients, their spouses are mad at them because they're not doing the right things for their health. Yeah, I would doubt that. That would upset me. And they're like, because you're doing the wrong things for your health, you're going to leave me early and abandon me? And I really love you? That really upsets me. It actually feels selfish to me when I actually don't, if I start to get too far away from taking care of myself. Like if I don't exercise, you know, for a week or whatever, it feels selfish for me because of my family.

So we've been talking about this mnemonic, um, and the mnemonic is relating. You want to improve your relationships. So our responsibility is empathy. Um, and in the book actually talk about the golden rule, um, which is do unto others as you'd have them do unto you. And so it's so important to get outside of yourself and see things from their perspective rather than just your own. One thing I do when I'm praying and meditating is I do what I call the 30,000 foot view. So I like to pray and meditate and sort of like try to look at the whole situation from a distance with me in the situation and like try to see for like almost removed from it. Like how would someone who's not attached to it see it? Because then I can see what I would do better or differently. The L is listening.

Now, I often have said to my patients, relationships require two things. Bonding. Actual physical time together, which we'll talk about. And listening. You've helped me with this a lot with Chloe. Well, as a therapist, one of the first things you learn is active listening,

that patients can solve most of their own problems. They just need someone who will actually feed back what they hear and listen for the feelings rather than give your two cents. And that's hard for me because I'm like, oh, well, you should do this or you should do that. It seems easy, right? But when you do that, you are not listening and you're not teaching them to solve their own problem.

Well, and there's another thing with kids, especially teenagers, they really will talk to you and they want to talk to you, but they won't if they think that you're just going to like jump in. And so if you just start quiet, which is really hard to do, and you've actually really helped me with that. And like, I learned to just like, sort of like sit and listen, especially when I'm driving, they will just like open up. They're like onions.

They'll start to peel back the layers and they'll just begin to talk. But you have to really learn how to like not just jump in and start, you know, giving them advice. And that's so hard. So hard. Because it's not sort of natural. Right. But I've had so many parents go, oh, he said he wouldn't talk to you. He wasn't going to see a psychiatrist because he's not crazy and he's not going to talk to you.

And I look at the parents and I go, I know, it's hard. But let's see what I can do. And you can't shut the kids up. Right. Because you're listening. You're not jumping in every two seconds telling them how to feel, how to think, what to do. You're not solving their problems. You're empowering them to actually solve them themselves.

And it's one of the beautiful things about Menace from Mars. Women are from Venus. It taught men not to solve their partner's problems because their partners are plenty competent. It's to be a good sounding word. But see, I'm like a guy. If I come to you, it's because I want you to solve it for me. So just FYI. So let's talk about 10 ways you mess up communication in the relationship. And number

one is you have a poor attitude. You expect the conversation to go nowhere. So subsequently, you don't direct it in a positive way. Negative assumptions about the other person feeds in to poor communication. You have unclear expectations and needs. You expect other people to guess what you want. Oh my God. So many women do this. My friends, I know so many women who do this. Some of my friends and they'll come tell me, well, you know, he just doesn't get it. He doesn't understand. And then they'll start. And I'm like, did you tell him? Like, I don't understand the whole guessing game thing. I totally don't get it, but they play this guessing game. Well, and I actually tell people.

It's weird. They have to say it multiple times, especially because guys are distracted. But they do the same. He should know. He should know me by now. No, he shouldn't. No, you need to say it out loud. Like, what is that? We teach people how to treat us. And so you're actually very clear.

And I like that because I want to know because my goal, kind, caring, loving, supportive, passionate relationship. Well, if we're not on the same page, I'm not going to get what I want. Right. Which is a kind, caring, loving, supportive, passionate relationship. The third way we mess up communication is no reinforcing body language. Yeah. Body language is so critical because it sends both conscious and unconscious messages. Isn't only like 7% or 13% of communication verbal?

Yes. Most of it is body language. So you can say, you can sit there and smile and say, yeah, I love you. But if you're like smirking and glaring at somebody, it like sends a very different message. Four is competing with distractions. So we've had that issue. Right?

I mean, everyone's got distractions. You try to talk to me in the fourth quarter of a Lakers basketball game. No, I've learned to deal with the mistress. I have learned to deal with the mistress. The Lakers? No. The phone. The phone.

Yes. Five is never asking for feedback on what you're saying. You assume you're being really clear when you might not be clear at all, and so you just assume they don't care. Six, so common, kitchen sinking. This occurs in arguments when people feel backed into a corner and they bring up unrelated issues from the past in order to protect themselves from what's going on in the present. And it's so toxic.

Mind reading, where you arbitrarily predict what you know what they're thinking. We talked about that. It is so toxic. It's having to be right. When a person has to be right in a conversation, there's no communication. But that doesn't include saying I told you so. There's only debate. I told you so is next.

Oh, no, no, no. I told you so is not helpful. No, I like I told you so. I know you do. But it is. But it feels so good. It then puts the relationship in a hierarchy. I know you do. But it is. But it feels so good. It then puts the relationship in a hierarchy. I'm right.

You're wrong. But what if I was right and I told you so? But is it going to get you what you want? It just feels good to say. Now, if dominance, if you're in. Just. What is it? BDSM?

If you're into this specific kind of relationship, then dominance being the dominatrix works. But if you're not into that, then having to be right or telling you I told you so, generally not helpful. Sparring, using put downs or sarcasm or discounting someone else's idea, it erodes dialogue and it erodes trust. And people who end up getting divorced, they do that. They have sarcasm and put downs. And I'm so grateful we don't do that. No, I mean, hold on. We do, like even in this podcast, people hear it. We do use a lot of sarcasm, but not in that context.

But it's playful. Right. It's not hurtful. No, no. And not monitoring. And so I think the difference, to be clear there, if you're using sarcasm in a way that your partner doesn't like or feels put down or tells you they don't want you to do and you do it anyways, that's when it's toxic, right? So quickly, some keys for effective communication. A good attitude.

Assume the person wants to have a good relationship like you. State what you need clearly and in a positive way. Decrease distractions. Ask for feedback. Tell me what you understood I said. Be a good listener. We're going to talk about active listening. And then monitor and follow up on your communication. You want to feel better fast?

Improve the quality of your communication. And your relationships, no question. And I think one of the things I taught you, but it was really important for me to learn, is active listening. So when someone says something to you, don't throw your two cents in. And it's so hard. Repeat back what you hear. But once you practice it. And listen for the feelings behind what you hear. I hear you saying this.

Oh, that seems like it makes you sad. And the example I often give, if my son came home and said, I want to have blue hair. If I said that to my dad, he'd say, no way in hell as long as you live in my house, you're going to have blue hair. There's no communication there. It's just dominance. So I'd go, oh, you want to have blue hair? And then be quiet long enough for him to say things like, all the kids are wearing it that

way. And I've been to a school. They're not all little blue-headed. But if I would have said that to my dad, he would have said, I don't care what anybody else is doing. As long as you live in his house, you're not going to have blue hair. If they're going to jump off a cliff, you're going to go with them. But that just stops the communication or it starts a fight. Sounds like you want to be like the other kids. Listen to what they're saying.

Feed it back along with the feelings. And now he might say, well, sometimes I feel like I don't fit in. Right. Now you got to the core. Which is the conversation you want to be having. That's the core right there. But too often people interrupt and get toxic in their communication. And so listen. Repeat back what you hear, listen for the feelings behind it. And then someone like Chloe, see if you don't listen to Chloe or I don't listen to Chloe

and I just cut her off when she says something and tell her how to think, she'll shut down. But if I just feedback what she's telling me and listen for the feelings, she'll go on and on. It's awesome, right? And then if you listen, you're bonded. And I love the way you guys are bonded because you've spent so much time, which is not your natural state. Your natural state is you're an ICU nurse. It's we're going to do this. Let's do that. Let's get it done.

Get it done. Right? Airway, breathing. Circulation. Circulation. Right. Right. ABCs.

But in raising children, that's not helpful. But it has become. And you have listened. You're just masterful at listening to her, which is what has increased the bond. So if you're struggling in your relationships at home, I really want you to learn active listening. It can help so much. Relationships, empathy, listening. And as you start to do it, it's actually because the feedback for me and the payoff has been so great that now it's become something that is becoming more natural at home. Now, I'm still

the ICU nurse when it comes to getting stuff done, but at home, I can take that hat off. It took practice, but I can take that hat off when I want to. Correct. When we come back, we're going to talk about assertiveness. So important. Stay with us. Use the code podcast10 to get a 10% discount on a full evaluation at amenclinics.com or on our supplements at brainmdhealth.com. Thank you for listening to the Brain Warriors Way podcast. Go to iTunes and leave a review and you'll automatically be entered into a drawing to get a free signed copy of the Brain Warriors Way and the Brain Warriors Way cookbook we give away every month.