Change Your Brain Every Day - Why Some People Disconnect to Deal with Separation Anxiety

Episode Date: November 10, 2020

When Tana Amen was a child, an environment filled with chaos and unreliability led her to feel anxious when alone. Surprisingly, one of the ways Tana chose to deal with her anxiety was to disconnect from all of those around her. In this episode of The Brain Warrior’s Way Podcast, Dr. Amen and Tana explain why this is common in people with past trauma, and how past hurts can manifest later in a person’s psyche.  For more information on Tana's new book, "The Relentless Courage of a Scared Child", visit relentlesscourage.com  

Welcome to the Brain Warriors Way podcast. I'm Dr. Daniel Amen. And I'm Tana Amen. In our podcast, we provide you with the tools you need to become a warrior for the health of your brain and body. The Brain Warriors Way podcast is brought to you by Amen Clinics, where we have been transforming lives for 30 years using tools like brain spec imaging to personalize treatment to your brain. For more information, visit amenclinics.com. The Brain Warriors Way podcast is also brought to you by BrainMD, where we produce the highest quality nutraceuticals to support the health of your brain and body. To learn more, go to Brainmd.com. Welcome back. We are so excited you're with us. We're going through some of the stories and relentless courage of a scared child. But we're not just

telling you about Tana's life. We're trying to help you deal with your anxiety, depression, trauma, and grief. And we're doing it through some of the stories that Tana writes about in the book. I want to talk about when you were nine because the separation anxiety issue really dominated that year for you. And it happens for so many people. Let me read another testimonial. Robert says, I can't wait to try this for me and for my wife who has Alzheimer's. This could be very helpful for us. What a great idea.

Thank you. And it was regarding an episode on how to heal yourself from trauma that we did with Dr. James Gordon. Love that. We're so happy that this is helpful for you. So one thing before we get into all of that stuff because you touched on something you know writing a memoir when everyone is still alive especially it's not an easy thing to do so this book even though it's it really is the stories from my life it's the it's the pg it's the family-friendly version um it's the editor call me and go, are you sure this isn't over exaggerated? And I started laughing and you started laughing because you've treated a number

of people in my family. And you're like, no, it's actually under exaggerated because they're alive. So there's only so much you can say when people are living, right? But there's no reason to write a memoir for me. I didn't need people being voyeuristic into my life. I didn't do it for years, even though you were nudging me because I didn't want that. But then when, between what happened at the Salvation Army and I had a woman come up to me and go, I pray every day that God will do for my life what he did in your life. If you can do it, I can do it. And I'm like, I haven't even really told her much about my life. So I haven't revealed it yet. And it was those things that made me realize, okay, I'm going to

write a memoir, but I'm not going to write it from a victim perspective. If I'm going to write a memoir, the only reason to do it is to help someone. So that's my hope. My hope is that it will help someone. And you know, what I discovered when I was a young psychiatrist is the more real I was, the more helpful I was. And too often people think of psychiatrists as sort of blank slates and, you know, they're just feeding back to you, you, and it's just never me. And I found when I would share the vulnerabilities I had growing up with my children, with our marriage, that people just saw me as more real and I was a more effective change agent. So now don't just share all of your life story unless you process it.

Right, right. Right, and I think that- Because there is a vulnerability. Because otherwise it could be shared with anger and bitterness and it could end up being really messy and not helping. And it can hurt your relationships. And I want to, because we're sort of going through some of these really important stories

and your dad was just sort of not much of a big factor when you were young. No, he left when I, well, my parents split up when I was two months old. He did drugs for a while with my uncle and was partying. He became a Baptist minister. All of a sudden he showed up one day with a new wife who I ended up really liking. But he just showed up out of the blue and was a Baptist minister and now wants to see me when it's convenient for him, you know, in the summer for a couple of weeks or whatever. And once in a while on a holiday, but I didn't know him. And he starts talking to me about Jesus. And I'm like, I think I've heard of this dude

in the sky with white robes, but what does that have to do with my life? All I really want is my dad, you know, who isn't there. And so I had this really hard time with God in my life at that time, because for me, since it was my dad trying to teach me about God, I'm like, why would I, why would I embrace that? It didn't make any sense to me. And so, you know, he didn't live the life of that you would hope a minister would live. Let's, let's put it that way.

And so I write a little bit about it in the book. I don't want to trash his, you know, his, the memory of him now, because I've healed from a lot of that. But he didn't live that life. And we're going to get to his story about when you and I first met. But when you were nine, at least for me, because I'm also a child psychiatrist, what I see happening. And maybe it has to do with your mother and the shotgun and the sound of her racking the gun that you begin to develop a separation anxiety disorder. It was terrible. So I had it for, I mean, I had it when I was young, but it just peaked when I was nine. I would sneak in the back of her car when she was going to work and then she'd find out and I would make her late and she would get mad. I mean, I was terrified because

I was home alone and she was the only, I was not close to my dad at all. I did. I hated going there for the summers, except my step-mom was okay. But I didn't, I knew if something happened to my mom, that's where I would have to go. And I was just like not having any of it. So if something happened to her and she would work late at night, she had, my mom drove big rigs. She was a bartender. She had a steam cleaning business, a janitorial business, you know, for big buildings, a commercial unit, the woman would do anything to survive, but she was never home. She was entrepreneurial and a very hard worker. Hard worker.

And so when she started bartending, that's when it sort of went sideways because she wouldn't get home until even if normally she wouldn't get home until three. But, but then all of a sudden, a couple of nights she didn't show up. And so I went into a full blown panic. We didn't have cell phones. Um, I went into a full blown panic attack. I mean, I was vomiting and hyperventilating and I was just, it was awful. And I was calling, I was going through the phone book, calling all the 24 hour restaurants and bars I could find. Um, initially they paged her and then it happened again. And I called and they're like, what? No. Okay. This is weird. And then by the third time they wouldn't do it anymore. And so they're like, this crazy kid is just like, you know, keeps calling here. Um, and she was

home alone during those times. So my, my, I don't remember actually, I think my grandmother was staying with us, but she never came out of her room. And so what I, I don't remember actually, I think my grandmother was staying with us, but she never came out of her room. And so what I, when I asked my mom, she actually said, no, your grandmother was there, but I never saw my grandmother. She was always, you know, holed up in her room. Um, and it didn't change the fact that it was my mom. I was afraid of losing. So she, um, my grandmother never really knew what was happening, but she didn't come home. And so, you know, and I would, I would make her promise me if you're not coming home, she's like, I went out to breakfast with friends.

I just needed to unwind. And I'm like, she's like, I'm sorry. I'm like, you need to promise me you're not going to do that again. You have to call me. She's like, I just didn't want to wake you up. I thought you were asleep. I'm like, don't do that again. And then she would do it again.

And so I just, I finally just started panicking, but then I started to disconnect. There was a point where you would imagine her dead. I just began to like, imagine her dead. And so I'm like, I can't, I couldn't take it anymore. And so I started visualizing, like if she were dead in the street, she were in a car accident, the police would come to the door. What would they say to me? Just like when my uncle died, like I pictured that whole scenario, like how would I handle it? Where would I go? What would I do? And pretty soon I began to be able to handle her not being there. Not well, but I mean. So you can see why you might develop an attachment disorder and why when we fell in love, you didn't trust it. Oh, absolutely not. I was waiting for the other shoe

to fall. Because your primary caretakers, both your mother and your father taught you that they were unreliable. Right. Yeah. One, because she couldn't help it. And the other one, because whatever you just didn't. Well, we'll get to him. Yeah. We'll get to him. So that's actually how you overcame the separation anxiety disorder is you disconnected. And that's my point, that strategies that work for you

for survival when you're young, because it kept me safe. It kept me sane when I was young. But they don't work for you when you're 40 and you're trying to fall in love with someone who's really amazing. And you keep thinking the other shoe's going to fall on this guy. Can't be real. Right. And I'm like, no, stay safe. So same strategies don't work. And now she tells me that if she's running, it's only because she's chasing. Till death do us part. Like you want to be attached, I'm attached.

If you could go back to that nine-year-old, what would you tell her? You know, I would hope that I could just tell her it's going to be okay and show her a picture of me now. You know, it's like, it's going to be okay. This is going to be your life. You're going to have a purposeful life. And perhaps when the societal unrest started, it triggered her pain. Oh, not perhaps. There's no perhaps about it. Because it's triggered so many people. The incidence of depression has tripled since March.

So really crazy. All right. When we come back, we're going to talk about stepfathers and more trauma in the relentless courage of a scared child. We have a great event coming December 12th, overcoming anxiety, depression, trauma, and grief with Tana and I'm going to talk as well as Pastor Derwin Gray. You'll love him, Dr. Carolyn Leaf, Pastor Miles McPherson. We're going to give you very practical strategies, the same ones we teach our patients at Amen Clinics. If you stay to the end, there's going to be a raffle for free evaluation at Amen Clinics. You can also pre-order the book. We'd love if you pre-ordered the book

at relentlesscourage.com, pre-ordered on Amazon or barnesandnoble.com, anywhere great books are sold, but relentlesscourage.com. You can enter in your receipt number and download just Just really so amazing. Stay with us. If you're enjoying the Brain Warriors Way podcast, please don't forget to subscribe so you'll always know when there's a new episode. And while you're at it, feel free

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