Change Your Brain Every Day - Why You Should Create Family Rules Now More Than Ever

Episode Date: May 12, 2020

Life gets hectic, and even in less stressful times it can be difficult to maintain structure and stability in your family. Therefore, creating your own set of family rules can be instrumental in bringing both order and happiness to family life. In this episode, Dr. Daniel Amen and Tana Amen discuss why you should create a system of rules for your family to abide by and the best practices for doing so.

Welcome to the Brain Warriors Way podcast. I'm Dr. Daniel Amen. And I'm Tana Amen. In our podcast, we provide you with the tools you need to become a warrior for the health of your brain and body. The Brain Warriors Way podcast is brought to you by Amen Clinics, where we have been transforming lives for 30 years using tools like brain spec imaging to personalize treatment to your brain. For more information, visit amenclinics.com. The Brain Warriors Way podcast is also brought to you by BrainMD, where we produce the highest quality nutraceuticals to support the health of your brain and body. To learn more, go to brainmd.com. I'm sort of a freak about preparing for crisis. And so it's called prepper. Yeah. So I'm one of those people. She's a super prepper. And I always get all this. People always give me flack because they're like, oh, nothing ever bad happens here.

You're crazy. You're spending all this money. And I'm like, not going to say I told you so, but a thank you would be nice. So I've been prepping for all this time. So what I did to make, because they were nervous about what was happening. I had the little one and now the older one wants to do it. My older niece wants to do it. Go through with me and make inventory lists.

I showed them where everything is, all the medical supplies, the food, the tools. I showed them how all the emergency shut off, like the electricity, gas, water went through everything with them, where all the purifying stuff is. I mean, I have everything. It's crazy, but it made them happy because now they got to see, oh, we're going to be okay. One. And number two, it gave them something to do and they were taking responsibility it was amazing so yeah they got someone said medications yes um oh meditation yes meditation for sure prayer and meditation critical right now so um for sure yes because your mental health is just as important if not more so right now than anything else to keep your immunity to keep

your system stable well mental hygiene is as important. Yes, they're all important. But time. Yes. And you're spending lots of time with them. But this exercise, special time, so good. 20 minutes a day, do something with them they want to do. And besides prepping. And during that time. But they want to do it. No commands, no questions, no direction. because that's bonding and then listening and listening is basically as soon as they say something don't say something back as soon as they say something repeat back what you hear and then begin to listen for the feelings behind what they are saying. And so if they said, oh, I'm so afraid because you have CNN or Fox on the whole time, stop that.

I'm so afraid. Don't go, oh, there's nothing to be afraid of. What's the matter with you? We're all gonna be okay. Don't do that. Go, oh, you're afraid. And let them talk it through because if you just jump in,

they won't tell you what they're thinking. I think one of the best things you do, you've done over the years with Chloe is even when she'd say outrageous things, you didn't just judge and shut it down by telling her how to think you'd let her talk. Yeah. Well, one of the things that happened through this, she surprised me a lot with her initial reaction because we always called her our 45 year old soccer mom. And all of a sudden she didn't sort of act like that in this case. She just got her driver's license. She just got her first job. I mean, literally was supposed to start the weekend after we got all this news. Right. And so she, she was pretty upset and she's like,

why is this happening? This isn't fair. They know not to say it isn't fair to me. Cause I'm like, fair is a place with bad food and farm animals. It has nothing to do with life. So, but in this case, I didn't really jump in and say that I really tried to listen because she wasn't acting like herself. She was acting different. And so we tried to listen and I'm like, I'm a little surprised by her reaction because usually she's very much a caretaker. She's very maternal. And so she wasn't being that way. And she was resisting and pushing back a little bit. So I listened. And then because we listened, she was able to work through it. And she said something so interesting. She came to me the

next day. She's like, all right, I get it now. It took me time, but I understand now. And I said, what's that? She said, I just, I figured out what it is. She said, I've never been in trouble. I've never been on restriction because we use something called love and logic where we let them pay logical consequences. So restriction with my daughter doesn't really work that well. Letting her pay consequences for her, like natural consequences for her actions is very, very effective. She hates it. So she's like, I've never been told I can't really do something. I've never been told like I'm on restriction. And all of a sudden I didn't do anything wrong. And my entire life is like shut down. And I just got my license and I just got a job. And she's like, it felt to me,

even though I knew logically it wasn't rational, it felt like it was you guys telling me that she's like, I knew it wasn't right, but it felt like I was being told by my parents, you know, you can't do this stuff. You're on restriction. And she goes, I just had to process it. I just needed some time to process it. And so, and she's like, and then when I finally did get it and it reminded me of when I was told I had cancer, I like didn't get it. They told me I had cancer and I'm like, yeah, okay. I'm going to come back in a few months. I'm busy now and but no I literally said that they told me it was a slow growing cancer so I'm like okay well I've got a few months then I'll be back in a few months

I'll see you then and he's like you're not really understanding what I'm saying and then when he when he finally got it through to me that what he was saying, I was like, no, no, I'm not doing this. And I got really angry. And that's what she did. She was like, no, no, I'm not doing this. And she reminded me so much of, it was a very similar reaction to being given very bad news. So why would I get mad at her for that? I want to help her process that, right? But it's because you listened that she was able to talk herself through. If you would have just been angry and told her how to think, then it would have just engendered bitterness. Right. Now there was one point.

We had that really great talk, but there was one point where she pushed back a little bit and I said, look, I'm doing my best to be sensitive, but let's be clear about one thing. Me being sensitive is secondary to everyone being safe. So let me be very clear. We're going to get to boundaries. Boundaries come up, but bonding is so important to parenting. And we'll talk about discipline, but we're not talking about it till later. When I teach parent training, it's later. The first thing, know what you want, number one. Number two, it's bonding, which requires time and listening. So active listening, you can look it up on the internet or read some of my books. It's in Feel Better Fast. Listening is so critical and important.

Third time, rules. You got to have rules. Society has rules. Families should have rules. And some people don't like that word. I don't care what you call it. Structure, boundaries, whatever you want to call it, call it that. but especially when we're all in a house together jammed in here together it's like we have to function with you know some set of some structure some normalcy right so that we don't and don't have a hundred of them i had an ocd patient once obsessive compulsive disorder patient, she had 108 rules. She had them all posted on the reverse. No, no, no more than eight. But it gives structure. Things like tell the truth.

Right. Now, if it's a rule, you've got to follow it too, because if you don't, children do what you do, not what you tell them to do. So if somebody calls and go, oh, tell them i'm not home well you're not following the rules but i like tell the truth do it mom and dad say the first time love that rule because when they don't rather than you repeat yourself did you know if a parent repeats themselves more than five times their chance of abusing that child goes way up. Oh, I can see why. It's frustrating. I mean, it's not appropriate. It's not okay.

So, you know, do this. And if they don't, it's like, well, what's the rule? And if they don't go do it then, then there's a consequence. And you train people when to comply and when not to comply. Put away things you take out. And one of my favorite ones is we treat each other with respect. And so is that respectful? Which means you have to treat your wife or your husband with respect. Otherwise, I mean, you're just not modeling something that you're going to be proud of. Right.

And so this is where that would fit in when I told Chloe, when she was pushed back just a little bit, because I mean, it's a hard time. And I said, look, I'm going to be sensitive to how you feel. And that comes secondary to everybody being safe. So as sensitive as I am to how you feel, it doesn't matter. This is what's going to happen. Because now normally I may not come down that hard, but it's critical right now. Right now, I said, and this is what I said, because love and logic is about them paying

natural consequences. It's like, okay, you do something stupid, you get to pay the consequences. That's fine when the consequences only affect you. When the consequences affect your entire family, your community, your grandparents, no, it's a little different so now now parents now i'm going to step in right and so that's where rules and structure can be so important and what you don't like notice what you like more than what you don't like you train people how to treat you. I mean, basically, you train them by what you accept, and what you notice. And so I collect penguins, you actually see one on my top shelf. Why? Because, you know, the model for me growing up, no one was noticing what they liked. I'm one of seven children. And my mom's awesome. And my dad's awesome, but he only noticed what I did wrong. And we did not have a close

relationship. And I wanted to do better, but my oldest, who I adopted, he was hard for me. And he just pushed back on virtually everything I said. He would have fit the criteria for oppositional defiant disorder. It's like how many times out of 10 when you ask a child to do something, will they do it the first time without arguing or fussing with you? And the answer is less than three, then they usually have oppositional defiant disorders. If you're enjoying the Brain Warriors Way podcast, please don't forget to subscribe. So you'll always know when there's a new episode. And while you're at it, feel free to give us a review or five star rating as that helps others find the podcast. If you're considering coming to Amen Clinics or trying some of the brain healthy supplements from BrainMD, you can use the code

podcast10 to get a 10% discount on a full evaluation at amenclinics.com or a 10% discount on all supplements at brainmdhealth.com. For more information, give us a call at 855-978-1363.