Change Your Brain Every Day - Why You Should Give Your Mind It’s Own Name

Episode Date: November 24, 2020

Though it usually happens on a subconscious level, we talk to ourselves all the time. Sometimes our self-talk is helpful, as it allows us to examine our issues in fine detail before acting, or to build up the confidence necessary to grow. Yet other times our minds betray us, reinforcing feelings of inadequacy, instability, and chaos. In this episode of the podcast, Dr. Daniel and Tana Amen discuss the phenomenon of self-talk, and how one simple act can change the way you feel and react to your unconscious self-sabotage.  For more information on Tana's new book, "The Relentless Courage of a Scared Child", visit relentlesscourage.com For info on Tana Amen's upcoming free live virtual event, visit tanaamen.com/event  

Welcome to the Brain Warriors Way podcast. I'm Dr. Daniel Amen. And I'm Tana Amen. In our podcast, we provide you with the tools you need to become a warrior for the health of your brain and body. The Brain Warriors Way podcast is brought to you by Amen Clinics, where we have been transforming lives for 30 years using tools like brain spec imaging to personalize treatment to your brain. For more information, visit amenclinics.com. The Brain Warriors Way podcast is also brought to you by BrainMD, where we produce the highest quality nutraceuticals to support the health of your brain and body. To learn more, go to Brainmd.com. Welcome back. We are still talking about my journey and when I met you and how things changed and my reluctance at dating a psychiatrist. So we're talking about

the relentless courage of a scared child. So yeah, things changed when I met you. Yeah. Now pay attention to the lessons. There's a lot of lessons and we just dearly love it. If you write it down, post it on any of your social media sites, hashtag brain warriors way podcast. And, um, that's one of the, I mean, that's one of the reasons I wrote this, right? I wrote this because there's no reason for me to just have people like voyeuristically looking into my life. I wrote this because the lessons and the things that people write to me. So I really want, and the comments I've been getting recently with some of the stuff we've been talking about have been sort of mind blowing. So I know there's a lot of people suffering. And I think when we open up this part of ourselves, it's really scary, but all of a sudden you just don't feel alone.

The stories I've been getting, the messages I've been getting have been really, really powerful. So I really do love getting those from you. Please keep sending them. And that is the reason that we're talking about all this. So let me know if it resonates. So knowing about this trauma, I'm thinking to myself. And I hated when you used the word trauma. Do you remember that? I got so angry. I'm like, I am not traumatized, but you can see it on my skin. I could. You showed me the trauma pattern in my skin, the PTSD pattern. I'm like, what? No, I don't have trauma. Like I'm not trauma. No. Yeah. No. Denial is a very important defense mechanism. Right. And you were in denial. Uh, yeah. You had just come out of a pretty traumatic marriage that was not good. And little bit. And you hadn't been settled.

No. And you had a baby that Chloe was just turned two after we had met. Yeah. And I adored her. She had 12-word sentences. I mean, she was just a little chatterbox. She still is. And so, you know,

no matter who is in my life, I always just want them to be better. So you can go, you have, you know, rescue complex. And I'm like, that's where I get a sense of significance, right? So being helpful, it's why we do this. I like being helpful. And for whatever reason, my oxytocin level went way up. When I was with you, it just made me happy. And so a couple of important things um i took you to meet my friend byron katie yeah who that was mind-bending i had read her book loving what is so right before i had met you i dated someone for three years and when she went away it just broke my heart. I mean, I was just not normal.

It's really the first time in my life, except losing my grandfather, I felt grief. I mean, it's just super off and sad. And then she and I are published by the same imprint at Random House. And I read her book, and then I got to meet her. And then I got to treat half the people in her family. That sort of how it goes with me. And I just, I fell in love with her work and I still teach it all the time.

Yeah, me too. And I had an opportunity to go visit her. And so you and I went and visited her. I had no idea what I was in for. I had no idea what I was in for. I had no idea what I was in for. And what, what did you learn? So, first of all, I was, well, I thought that I was really good at having my wall, my, my facade intact. I was really good at it. And most people thought I had it pretty, even you, thought I had it pretty together. I mean, yeah, you're a shrink and you would get little pieces

out of me, but you still thought I had my life pretty together for the most part. I mean, I had a good job, my house, I owned my house and didn't have a lot of bills. And on the outside, it looks like- There's so much attractive about you from how smart you are, how empathic you are to be a neurosurgical ICU nurse. You can take care of the sickest people. So kind, competent, beautiful. I mean, you know, we went through the whole playboy thing. So, um, yeah, I mean, there's just, I was completely taken, but thought maybe with a few adjustments. But you kept seeing this trauma. But even you at first. I kept seeing the trauma.

Yeah, you kept mentioning this trauma and I was so irritated. And it irritated me. But what even you didn't know at first was that I had never really addressed that I had suffered with an eating disorder secretly. So from the time I was 17 years old, when my mom took me to UCLA eating disorders clinic, and they freaked me out so badly that I left and just, I'm like, I did not come here to get labeled and see people die. I mean, someone went into a code blue while I was there, a 17 year old, um, cause she had heart, she went into heart failure or no cardiac arrest. And it freaked me out so badly that I never went back and got treated. And so I just would exercise as hard as I could to manage my anxiety. But every now and then it would, it would peak its head when, when,

like when I got cancer and I couldn't exercise or when I went through my divorce and I was working like crazy hours and trying to take care of a baby and just life was just overwhelming. And then it would, it popped its head up. And, and I just, I felt like such a failure, but I couldn't let anyone see that. And so I didn't even tell you, and I couldn't say the word. So I couldn't say certain words like molested. I couldn't say, make it say it in the context of other people, but not me. I couldn't say the B word. And so I remember when I met Byron Katie and one of the first things she asked me was how long I'd suffered with an eating disorder. And I'm like, or she said disordered eating or something. I don't remember exactly what she said, but I'm like, what? I was stunned. And I had finally just told

you like on the drive up there. I don't know why I had something to prompt me. And I was in the hotel room and I was so angry at you because I thought you told her and you're like, I didn't say anything. I just learned myself. I just found out myself. And so I was like, so mad because I, I was, I prided myself on no one knowing anything. And it just, everything began to crumble from that moment. It just like, like a, just like a house of cards. It just began to one by one, you know, just break down. Yeah. So I write the story in the book and it's pretty powerful story about how she turned that thought around, you know, with the, is it true? Can you know it's true? How do you feel when you have that thought? Who would you be without that thought? And then we turn it to its opposite. And it was just, it's a really powerful lesson.

Well, and then I took you to a three-day workshop. Oh, day workshop oh i'm katie up at esalen yeah and there's this very powerful exercise where she has you write down your thoughts about your body yeah and what you discovered was and you're like in a size zero jeans and that your thoughts were virtually identical to every woman in there didn't matter what they looked like didn't matter what size they were how old they were it was mind-boggling they all had the exact same thoughts and you actually tell the story in the book of a woman who stands up and reads her list and it's the same as your list, but she's like much older than I am and overweight. And I'm like, I was so mind boggling.

And then you got up and was just like shocked me in front of all those people. There are like hundreds of people there. And you commented on her thoughts. and i commented on mine because she had said something about sort of women like me and i was like oh hold up right now um and then afterwards you told someone else you struggled with an eating disorder and i'm looking at you like you actually said that i actually said that? I said it out loud. You said it out loud. And in so many ways, it was freeing. Well, it opened up the door. I knew I wasn't, that wasn't it. I wasn't done. That was the beginning. All of a sudden I felt ready to go to therapy. I felt ready to, you had given me a gift

of 10 sessions of EMDR. And I, at first I was like, why would you give me a gift of therapy? I want to talk about that in the next one, because it's such an important treatment tool for trauma. But only a shrink would give you therapy as a gift. But in Esalen, you really got to dive deeply into these five questions. Oh yeah. Right. You are not your mind. In fact, I'm going to give you as a bonus for staying with us,

a new exercise that I learned from our friend, Stephen Hayes. You're going to meet him soon is give your mind a name. That way you can separate from your mind. And the name I've given my mind is Hermie. So Hermie was my pet raccoon when I was 16. And I loved her. I actually didn't know it was her until she had babies. But Hermie used to talk all the time.

All the time. And she never said anything, at least anything that I understood that made sense. And now that I've named my mind, Hermie, that I get to choose if I listen to it or I don't listen to it. And what Katie really teaches is you don't have to believe every stupid thing you think. Is it helping or is it hurting? You should carry these three words around with you all the time. Is it true? That just because you have a thought has nothing to do with whether or not it's true. And then you actually ended up taking her nine day course to really get in the deep end of the pool of managing your mind and that you don't have to believe everything you think. All right. So when we come back, we're going to talk about your experience with EMDR.

You had a masterful therapist. And it was hard. And initially, some of the feelings you had, like about your mom, it turned from, oh, we have this great relationship to not so much. And we had seven camps full circle. So anyways, stay with us. If you learned anything, like give your money, uh, write it down, post it on any of your social media sites, leave us a comment, question, or review at brain warriors way on ps.com.

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