Chapo Trap House - 1019 - Come Kill Our Uncles About It (3/16/26)

Episode Date: March 17, 2026

The world is a gas station, and we’re fighting in its parking lot. This week, Will and Felix offer the definitive analysis of America’s suicidal flailing on the world stage. We also talk about JD trying to straddle the “anti-war” fence, Robert J. O’Neill as the ultimate 21st century American, and more US jets crashing. The Instagram is BACK: https://www.instagram.com/chapotraphousereal/

Hello, everybody. It's Monday, March 16th, and this is your chopo. On today's episode, it's just Felix and I. We're going to duo it up for you. And to kick things off, let's focus on the big news. What's going on in the world today? The war. The war with Iran. Now, Felix, I don't know about you. I'm not an OSint guy. I'm not a military expert. I just read and watch the news. And I try to draw my conclusions based on that. Yeah, I'm not smarter enough to like look at a map. So Iran is next to Pakistan, which some say is the Muslim India. I don't know about you, but like it's, I think it is, I think it is difficult to, I don't know, make a fair assessment of how the war is going because, you know, both sides are very self-motivated in the sort of news that they hype to the world and sort of their public statements. everyone's trying to put on their brave face. There's a lot of propaganda and war. I mean, has there ever been a side in a war that's like the opposite of that? It's like, I fucking suck.

Well, you know, why even update anyone on where the lines are? I'm just going to lose them. I think famously, in World War II, after the Japanese had basically washed all of American and British forces out of the Pacific in the early days of the war, I believe FDR in one of his famous radio addresses. He did begin the address by saying, So far, the news has been all bad. So I think that was probably the last American president to talk truthfully.

But my point is... He had his advisors like they held him up to make it look like he was standing on a ledge. He's up going to jump. Yeah, they beamed it out. Should I do it? I feel like doing. I'm going to roll.

myself in front of this train. The Japanese are unstoppable. I've always thought about that how I would kill myself if I had various disabilities. I think blind is the hardest. You need... Really? Well, that's why we hired Spencer in case they go blind and I need someone

to like either inject me with a fatal amount of morphine or help me shoot myself in the head. I mean, like you're just kind of just sort of I don't know what blind people are up to you. Just sort of fuel around your stuff, the objects you have until you come across something gun-shaped. and then for the rest of it,

it'll sort of take care of itself. What if it's a nerve gun? I mean, you're so hard. You know, trial and error. I know blind people have killed themselves, but it's like, it's hard to do like a painless one, you know?

Ooh. I don't know, like to take, take your seeing eye dog's medication, try to overdose on that. Oh, do you think anyone has like, they've like purposely antagonized their seeing eye dog? So, or are they trained against that?

If you're blind and you've killed yourself, with your dog. They're training these new dogs. There's a special word that you can, a special command that you can issue to them in which they will rip out your throat. That's like the opposite of a safe word. Yeah, the killing word for your,

you know, we've gotten far afield here. You know, I don't know, usually like to start the show with ableism. I'm trying to figure out, I'm trying to answer the essential question here. How is the war going? And like I said, like the fog of war, there's propaganda, there's censorship. So basically, what we were left with is how to sort of read the tea leaves of the public statements of sort of both sides in this conflict.

And I'd like to begin, just like, you know, in my assessment of how the war is going for the United States, I'd like to begin with this news item in terms of like, you know, I don't know if you saw this over the week. Felix, but Trump did go off on a long rant in which he threatened the death penalty for treason to any news outlet that reported bad news coming out of the Iran War or that, you know, perhaps Iran is able to hit U.S. Air Force bases and, you know, Saudi Arabia and Iraq. He's saying this is all fake news. It's AI generated and he's threatening to both the FCC to revoke the broadcasting license

of any news outlet that reports things that he thinks that he is. deemed to be fake or propagandistic as far as it comes from Iran. So threatening the press with death for reporting news that he deems is fake. That's one thing. But like, so what we are left with is what is the news that they're telling us that is good and that we should believe? And like, I'm going to base my assessment of how the war in Iran is going for America and our, you know, vital interests, national security, our allies. I'm going to go by the official media accounts. So I'm just going to read this. This is from the New York Post this morning.

President Trump was stunned to learn last week that U.S. intelligence indicates new Iranian Supreme Leader Mostaba Khomeini may be gay and that his father, the late Ayatollah Ali Khomeini, feared his suitability to rule the Islamic Republic for that reason the post can reveal. Trump couldn't contain his surprise and laughed aloud when he was briefed on the intel, according to sources. Others in the room found it hilarious. joined the president's reaction. While one senior intelligence official has not stopped laughing about it for days,

said one person familiar with the briefing. So I don't know if you're, you know, like I said, if your guy following this war closely you're trying to figure out what's going on. The straight of Hormuz still closed apparently. But the new Supreme Ayatollah, the new Supreme Leader of Iran, he's on that gay shit. And intelligence has just broken that news to the world. Straight of Hormuz? More about like fucking Homo of Hormuz.

How about that? Who's the source on this, Lord Jumar? This is a major coup for U.S. intelligence. We found this skirt that they make you aware if you want to succeed in comedy in Iran. Yes, this was human intelligence. This was humint. And it was, you know, passed along through sources,

badly gargled. It was like, oh, good. Sorry, I was just... I don't, yeah, it's hard to, it's hard to tell like, look, like Vin Diesel's character in that mafia movie where Seth Green plays the guy in the mafia for some reason, I've been in 50,000 street fights and I've won all of them. And calling your opponent gay or not gay or a pathoid or a They're like different fighting words Depending on like where you live

I did all Half of my 500 million street fights Were in the Twin Cities and it's like a huge Honor violation to call someone a PASsoid or a fake bisexual It doesn't really dictate if you're winning or losing But um For American purposes I don't know

I guess like after we killed Bungler Laden We did say that he was like he was watching porn and like Mary yeah he was jacking off he was jacking his shit

when we fucking killed them isn't that embarrassing? Yeah yeah but like with this one it's like the fact that there are like eight sources for this is not a good sign

I just think because it means like at least that many people worked on this and this is like this just strikes me as like their attempt

at creating a schism in the Iranian forces after all everything they tried failed. Yeah. I mean, the fact that there even is a new Supreme Leader of Iran would seem to indicate, and like the fact that there's a new Supreme Leader of the country

that the government, like the continuity of leadership remains intact, and that like they weren't expecting that, but like now the attack has been like, yeah, there's a new Supreme Leader, but he's fucking gay, all right? Everybody knows it. Our intelligence is briefed us on his gayness for years now. It says,

going on to the poster, it says, the third source, the third source of this story said the intelligence indicated the affair was with a person who formerly worked for the Khomeini family. Mastaba, who has believed to have been wounded in the same February 28th air strike that killed his father and other members of the family, has made aggressive sexual overtones to men caring for him, possibly while under the influence of heavy medication, the postist sources said. So they're giving him like an app? Like there's, okay, so there's no proof that he, even if this was true, there's no proof of him being gay before. It's like a Phineas Gage situation. Yeah. Yeah. It's like, he's in the hospital bed on a morphine drip just like grabbing dudes' dicks as they come over to administer better.

Like, yeah. Like the fucking naked barber or something. Yeah, yeah. That's it. Well, that's the other thing that's absurd about this is the idea that like every gay guy. it doesn't matter what their job is. It doesn't matter like what being gay is culturally, where they are.

They're just, they're unstoppable. They're just nonstop fuck machines and like any man they see. They're like, oh, I've got to suck your dick. In true, like,

I mean Brandon talked about this on our Metal Gear Sault 3 episode, how one of the big hallmarks of a character being gay in early 2000s media was that they wear a thorn. like they're so they're so gay and lame that they're like oh oh I need to wear a thong because it's like having something up my ass and I can't possibly go three seconds without that and the idea that it's like he's a new ruler doesn't have his dad's uh decades of connections he's trying to establish his position during wartime but he's still like he sees like a doctor who's like a five out of ten and he's like I need to blow you right

now in front of like his wife and kids. It's just beggar's belief is all I'm saying. Going on in the post piece, it says some elements of Moshtaba Khomeini's sex life have been reported before in Maylan credence to the allegation. A classified U.S. diplomatic cable from 2008 published by WikiLeaks described Motab Mojtaba being treated in the UK for impotence,

though that report did not identify what may have caused the condition. Okay, so one second he's gay. and now they're saying, by him being impotent, lends credence to the allegation that he is gay. It says, another, another sort of checkmark in the gay category.

It says, the State Department file says Mostaba married relatively late in life, around age 30, reportedly due to an impotency problem, treated and eventually resolved during three extended visits to the UK at Wellington and Cromwell Hospital's London.

Mostobo was expected at 30 is late? Well, maybe in Iran, Okay, guys. Well, I mean, like, talk about latent anti-Semitism. There's something wrong with getting married when you're 53? But I feel like you said, as a victor of over 50 street fights, let's just try to conceive of 50,000 street fights of street-related conflicts. Let's just try to conceive of what we know about this war so far in terms of like that it's a

between two groups of guys in like a gas station, like in front of a gas station or in like a small parking lot or something like that. Let us imagine the bong fight, pond fight, any of the classics. Yeah, the classics,

yeah. No need for a rock. So on the one side you just like, okay, he'd be like, oh, my dad could beat up your dad. So you got like,

you know, Trump opening salvo just like knocks out this dude's dad so hardcore, his fucking head flies off. He's dead immediately. And they're like, all right fight over but then like the guy's son and like 30 of his friends show up and you know start throwing haymakers and then at that point like well the guy who said you know i could beat up your dad and then killed him he's like oh shit like the fight's still going on uh i better do some i thought killing this 86 year old man

would end this thing but no like his son is there and like all of his cousins and like you know they still want to scrap so yeah okay then so like then what you do is like you ask your other friends like, you know, Germany, France, in the UK. You gotta say like, hold me back, but also you better jump out. Like, you better jump in right now.

Like, yeah, you got a problem with me, kill my uncle about it, bitch. Yeah, yeah. Like, you better jump out.

Like, you better jump out now. And then they're like, I don't know about that. So basically, you're looking at the guy, like the son of the 80, 86 year old man,

who you punch so hard, his head flew off. And it's like rolling around. like a, you know, a come and go parking lot. And you're like, oh, so you're still at it? Oh, your son showed up. He's, well, you're gay. You're gay.

Hold me back. The guy we're fighting is gay. And I just like to note that, now imagine, imagine one of the guys on our side, right, egging on Trump being like, yeah, this new guy, he's gay. He's a homo. Everyone knows it. And we're all laughing at you. Is Lindsey Graham.

Like, imagine Lindsay Graham being like. That's a great point. Imagine Lindsay Graham being like, you've got to keep killing these gay psychos in Iran. Oh, I heard he said down low. You can trust them the least. I'm about to show you who's the real power bottom. Like, in my coalition,

that includes Lindsey Graham, match, lap, JD Vance. Well, JD Vance, not gay. He just saw Garden State. It was like, I'm Natalie Portman. in that movie. I'm her. Hey, Iran,

a new Ayatollah Mutaba, I got news for you. This Shins song is going to change your life. And if it doesn't, we'll fucking kill you. It'll change you from being alive

to dead. Now, come see my pet cemetery in my backyard. I swear on the lives of my white children who are all somehow winder,

despite being white. I'm going to end you. I'm going to end you with song. And by the way, speaking of J.D. Vance, here's another thing about, like, how to read the tea leaves of what, you know, like, how the war

is actually going behind the scenes, despite what they tell you. Like, what's up? Is this a positive? There haven't been that, all the great J.D. Vance posts were not seeing them. I mean, I know that there's, like, rationing in wars, but that's really hard to give up. I'm going to be honest.

I mean, honestly, with all these oil refineries and the Gulf states shut down, like, you know, apparently like once they turn the off switch, it could take it weeks to start up again. It's like it's the same thing with J.D. Vance's post. You know, like, yeah. Maybe facing a J.D. Vance post deficit even for like weeks or months after this conflict ends. I think it's safe to say that's worse than what anyone in the UK went through during the Blitz. I frankly would trade my entire family to keep reading J.D. posts. But there is, there is like a team of writers there. Well, the JD writers, it's like they've sort of switched mediums.

And, you know, like instead of blasting out posts on X, the Everything app, they're sort of, they're working behind the scenes and talking to outlets like Politico and giving them source quotes for this article. Vance was, quote, skeptical voice in White House on Iran strikes. Says here, Vice President J.D. Vance was skeptical of the U.S. striking Iran in the lead up to President Donald Trump's decision to launch the war to senior officials told Politico. Vance, who has long questioned U.S. intervention abroad, has publicly defended Trump's Iran operation. But White House officials revealed that the vice president made his opposition known in the lead-up, pulling the curtain open after months of speculation about Vance being far more tepid about military action than Trump. Vance is skeptical, is worried about success and, quote, just opposes the war on Iran, a senior Trump official said via text message.

The official was granted anonymity to speak about the vice president's views. I mean, my guess would be that's just J.D. Vance talking about himself. Because, like, you know, once again, I've been comparing this just like accessing, you know, the memory banks about what the war in Iraq felt like. And, you know, it's kind of hard to imagine George W. Bush's vice presidency, vice president voicing skepticism of the war in the first weeks of it because he was the one who started it. But like for someone, like a high level administration officials, like vice president, about as high as it gets that quotes are being given to media outlets in like the second week of this war

establishing a kind of backstory for him that will be credible in the coming future, the coming months or years, that he was quote skeptical and opposed to this war at the outset. Well, this is how you know it's JD, by the way. The second part to that, the asterisk to him being skeptical was,

well, I'm skeptical about, how smart of my idea this is, but if we do it, we should do big strikes that kill all their guys and eliminate all their weapons, which is like, oh, why didn't I think of that? Well, I don't think this war is a good idea, but let's, instead of like not winning it, let's win it in the first day. No, like, yeah, JD, I don't know why they didn't make you a combat officer and instead gave you, your job was like accountant when you were in the Marines. I mean, we are seeing the, uh, the fruits laid bare.

of J.D. Vance's art of war tier strategy. I think it was Sun Sioux who said, the great general avoids war, but when it is inevitable, he wins it in the first day by saving all his power-ups and killing all the guy's weapons. Well, Felix, you say that, but going on in the political article,

it says a second senior Trump official said, his role is to provide the president and the administration, you know, all points of view that could happen from many different angles. And you know, he does that. But once decision has been made, he's fully on board. So he basically said, yeah, I wonder who this is. Yeah, I wonder is giving these quotes.

Oh, my God. It's it. Like, J.D., the next time you're trying to pretend it's not you, you have to keep in mind, you're the only person who likes you that much. No one else is going to say that about you. So, like, Trump's own vice president is basically trying to, like, establish a track record of saying that at the outset of the, the war, I'm against this.

But if we do do it, we should do more of it and do more of it quickly. And then, like, now that they did exactly that, there are just, like, more stories coming out about how you know, JD's always been opposed to war. You know, he's always been a pretty peaceful guy. You know, he never

wanted it. J.D. never wanted this. And by the way, where is Trump because I know he's constantly complaining about the dishonest news media and leaks to the press from his administration? Why isn't he cutting J.D.'s throat on this? This is your own vice president undermining you in a time of war telling the press, hey, you know, whatever you may feel about this, I was against it.

You know, I'm only his vice president. What do you want from me? Well, I think JD has a brilliant strategy here. But I think he might be setting up to be the fall guy. I don't know. I mean, Trump doesn't have a history of doing this. But it's, I would bet money that he is being set up as like, they're going to take, they're going to hang him with that thing of like, oh, well, we should just, we should use our

ultimate in the first day. They're going to be like, that's the reason it fucked up. Rubio's the guy now. When I gave Rubio those shoes, his are the closest to fitting. Therefore, he's like the true successor. JD is such a fuck up. It's just like, I do give him a, like he's a little bit more competent than Kamala because at least he's doing this.

Whereas with Kamala. Yeah, I know. The contrast with Kamala is really stunning here. he's doing this while he's actively vice president not running for president after his after the number one guy it drops out or became someone fucking unpopular and senile

he had to fucking head for the exit yeah I mean that just it kind of demonstrates how shitty Kamala is that you can be that much more competent than her but still a fucking moron I mean it just this

if you think this distances you from it it does not because he said I was against it when it was being discussed. But my views, I couldn't articulate myself in such a way that made a difference. But now that it's happening, I fully support the president. But I just want to let you know that I advise him

to do more of this and win rather than do it and lose and end up sniping about how the guy you're facing off against is a gay homo. JD's two biggest influences during Bush one. they were Garden State obviously which again when he says it made him feel like more like a does that mean he felt like Natalie Portman

is that what he meant because maybe that is his Natalie Portman her character what she goes through Zach Braff where she goes oh I thought I don't say this this is what her character says take it up with

Natalie Portman and the generic of Garden stage where she goes, you're not retarded in real life. You just play that guy in TV. You're a really good actor. That's sort of when JD became a Trump guy that he basically said the same thing. Yeah.

Yeah, absolutely. He fell in love with him for the same reason. So maybe that's what he meant. But anyway, his other biggest influence from that year was John Kerry the political judo act of the century,

I would say. I was for the war before I was against it. Yeah, I was for the war before. He's found a way to improve on that, which is, I was against the war while I was being for it. Yeah, I was against the war, but couldn't stop my idiot president from starting one. But now that it is, I'm supporting him, but also would like everyone to know that I was against it. So, brilliant work. And by the way, you know those decapitation strikes that didn't do anything.

and how we repeatedly said we had annihilated all their ballistic missile capabilities and destroyed all their boats and then they closed the Strait of Hormuz and kept annihilating all of our Gulf allies and we, this is probably the most Come Kill My Uncle about it move ever. Yes, yes.

We had to take Stads away from South Korea and give them to Israel. So in one fell swoop, they basically inoculated Iran from any like gladio type shit in the short term, but like unifying the country, they failed every subterfuge attempt

and they single-handedly destroyed the secondary case for buying U.S. weapons, which is that if you buy the highest gear with U.S. weapons, at the very if someone comes in fucks with you, America will at least come to protect you at least because they don't

want those weapons falling into the hands of an enemy, which has been shown to not be true, at all unless you're Israel. So all of that move over from Max Keeble is J.D.'s big move. And it's not just moving

his last name to a different last name. Come tell my own about it, pussy. All right. So I want to return again to the parking lot. The parking lot, the parking lot fight. You know, I'm not going to say two

you know, you know, two sides fighting in a parking lot. So decavitation strike opens up. It knocks an 86 year old. It punches your opponent so hard. His head flies off and rolls down the street. But then like- It kills their best fighter, their 86-year-old grandfather. Yeah.

But then the guy's son and like 30 of his cousins, like, show up. And they're still fighting. And at this point, you're like, I've won the fight. I've conclusively won the fight. it may look like there's a group of men still sort of grappling with each other in front of the quick stop. But like I want to assure everyone, we've won the fight and like our friends from down the street, they're coming to back us up. I mean, like they haven't confirmed that they're coming. We hit the group chat.

They said that maybe they'll show up. But like, we want to let everyone know we've won this fight and we have conclusively degraded this group of young men. We've degraded this group of men's ability to fight that. And you know, it looks like they're fighting back. Also, while we were having this fight, the group of guys that we were fighting also set fire to all of our cars and houses elsewhere. So like, my priceless antique car collection

that I keep in a garage in one of the many houses I own in the town surrounding the gas station is currently on fire. And like someone said, we're not going to say who. It certainly wasn't these guys because we've destroyed their ability to light a match or set anything on fire. But small issue,

the workplace of 27 of my closest cousins have been blown to smithereens and they were not insured and they can no longer buy weed from us. That's a small setback. Yeah, that's perfect. Okay, we said this fight would be over quickly and conclusively.

The fight in the gas station has been going on for about two weeks now. We're still in this fucking parking lot. And by the way, this has been an imminent 47 year conflict at this gas station that was finally ending.

We had to do it. But the problem is the group of cousins that we're fighting, they control the one road that goes in and out of this town and they control the supply of mids to the high school.

And they've completely cut it off. We can't re-up. We can't sell weed in this part, in this gas station parking lot anymore because they have, very nefariously, the road, the, the mids road that mids are imported and exported out of our community goes right by their house. They don't control it. They don't control it. They've just put spike strips on every inch of the road.

There are, they somehow got a hold of a bunch of bouncing betties. There's a giant magnet that picks up your car and flings it a thousand feet. in the air and failing that they do have a bunch of fake painted tunnels and a system of mallets that will flatten you. But we don't know that they've closed it because no one's brave enough to drive on the mids road. Okay. And we will escort you by which we mean we will FaceTime you while you drive. I feel like, okay, I'm approaching the spike strips in the giant mallet that smashes my car

into a ravine. Are you going to back us up? We're on FaceTime. We're like, we got you. Don't worry. Just keep driving. I believe in you. We believe in you.

Look, some of the local high school kids that are still holding Mids, look, the price of an 8th, it's going up. But if you need Mids in this community, if you need an 8th, I would just like to assure the members of this community

that like the fight we started in the parking lot will cause, you know, it's causing, you know, some significant spike in the price of an eighth. But I would just like to say, that's a small vice to pay

for getting rid of the imminent threat, the 47-year-long threat of these guys in the neighborhood hanging out at the parking lot that we don't like. Yeah, it was totally worth it. Look, we know that last week we said that Braden Putler,

we used to say that guy was our biggest enemy, Braden Putler, another mids dealer. And he actually, he can't pay his rent unless mids are higher than $25 a gram. That's right. It's not profitable for him. We put sanctions on him. We said that none of our friends can buy mids from him.

And we very quietly said, buy mids from Braden Putler. It's fine. But we will go back to prohibiting mid sales from Grayden Putler when this is all done. And you may think that we like we fucked ourselves. We're in mids withdrawal. we're shaking or in cold sweats,

which that's not why. But the reason that we were even able to do this in the first place is because of President Trump, we're for the first time we're a Mids exporter. We produce, because of our grow house, we produce 20 grams of Mids every single day. Yes, we smoke 47.

Every day. But we have Mids Independence. So, like, this is going to be fine. This is going to be fine. This hurts everyone except for Brad Putler, which I know we said he was our worst enemy. We're going to deal with that when we deal with that. Trust me, we learned a lot by killing this 86-year-old man in the parking lot, though.

So he's, don't get too comfortable, Braden Putler. You're next, asshole. In terms of reopening the critical Mids supply line to our local community, I would just like to, you know, along those lines, Read this from the Wall Street Journal. It says, a headline exclusive, Trump administration plans to announce coalition to escort ships through the Strait of Hormuz. First paragraph reads, the Trump administration, as soon as this week, plans to announce that multiple countries have agreed to form a coalition that will escort ships through the Strait of Hormuz, which runs along the Iranian coast, U.S. officials said. They are still discussing, however, whether those operations would begin before or after. after hostility is end.

Just a small detail. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, look, like the parking lot fight may be continuing. But like many of our friends from several other towns, we've hit the group chat. They're getting in their cars. They're coming to the quick trip, the parking lot right now. And they're saying they're going to back us up so we can get Mids back into the town.

But like, they didn't say whether or not that we're going to do that before or after the, the gang of cousins stopped punching us in the face and kicking us in the parking lot. By the way, we're addressing this right now because we know that we see you talking shit, we're Facebook friends. Yes, 40 of our cousins

died, but that was because they got into a car crash. Yeah. It had nothing to do with the cousins who hang out at the gas station. That's, they didn't do that. We've lost an unprecedented... They lost control. They lost control of the van they were driving in another gas

station, it went into the pumps, it blew up, they all burned to death. But I want to say, it wasn't, it wasn't the other cousins that made them drive into it. Like, it was just simply, the car malfunctioned, as cars do sometimes, and explode it. Yeah, but like, we want to be

clear, this accident had nothing to do with the cousin fight we were engaging in. It wasn't cousin related. It was just an accident. You know how we used to say, you know, we used to say that we have those Dodge Chargers that we worked on that are uncrashable. Three of them have been totaled,

killing all on board. But that was because a guy we thought was our friend started talgating us and did like a fish down maneuver. And that's neither here nor there. We were doing car pranks with our friends, okay? And sometimes accidents happen. Along with that line of that story, Felix, I was watching the network news last night

and they covered the, the crash of that giant, you know, that giant military airplane, the airplanes that refuel fighter jets over these like huge,

like really long sorties that are like day and a half. They're mid-air refueling planes. One of them crashed in Iraq, killing six U.S. servicemen, like killed the whole crew on board. And it was like, I was watching this news story last night.

It was very interesting that like, they didn't say why it crashed at all. And like at the end, there were like, the Pentagon has made clear that it did not crash due to engagement with the enemy. But it did crash. And like, they're not offering any reason of like

why it happened. And like the tone of it was just sort of like these planes, they're in the air for so long. They fly so majestically all the time. But sometimes like planes do. Like their little hearts, they just give out. Okay? They've just flown too much and too long. It's just like, they just fall to the ground. And it happens with planes sometimes.

They soar so high and majestically, and it's the price they pay. Sometimes they're little plain horses. They can't take it and they come back to the ground. Like it's a Greyhound that had like hip this one. The Chinatown bus fucking driving into a ditch or something. That is a really weird story. And yeah,

I can't make heads nor tails out of it. But it's just every time that like we lose our planes in an embarrassing fashion. And we just... So the initial report of it was one of the best, like, America not being able to admit that why or how we lost our planes

because it said, this was not friendly or hostile fire. It was just sort of neutral. It was just sort of like, you know, it was just fire that it was just... It was projectiles being sent into the air in like kind of a neutral manner. It was just something they do

on a weekly basis. It was, we happened to collide with the weekly discharge of anti-aircraft capabilities in Kuwait. Or it was actually there was there. There was a grand opening of a mall and they set off to service air missiles to celebrate it. And it happened to shoot down three of our planes. It was that or like the Swiss guards did it. And they're like truly not affiliated with anyone. So it's definitely not hostile, but it's not friendly either.

We have no alliance with them. Like it just, I don't, I don't know. I mean, it's, so I will eat a little crow on this. I was a doubter in the ghost of Kuwait story just because it's so fun. Like, when you read something that funny, you're like, that can't be true. That can't be what happened. And given America's hilarious history of lying about the reason that our planes went down, I figured it was something right.

But no, the ghost of Kuwait, look, anything can happen in the air. And there are friendly fire incidents, even when all the, pilots speak the same language. But you don't shoot three in a row down in like a minute. That's like, if you are the ghost to quit, if you are out there, you have a free, you are on the list for every chop-o show for the rest of your life. That may be a small consolation for being killed by the U.S. military. But we love what you did was so funny.

You did a sort of reverse Polinko thing. to me, you ruined the F-15 strike eagles perfect record. We love you. So with this, I thought, I don't know, I've seen a lot of talk about Iran's 358 missile, which is, it's a very interesting missile. It is sort of a very weird, like, loitering munition surface-air missile, which means that due to the speed considerations of a loitering munition,

it can obviously go only go after targets that are, about the speed of a mid-air refueling plane, not something as fast as a fighter jet and something relatively low-flying. And I could certainly see that being the case. But I could also see this being the ghost of Kuwait. I don't know. I don't know. I mean, I cannot wait for 10 years from now

when we actually know how all this hilarious stuff happened. I really can't. I mean, this is sort of like why I open with it because it genuinely is really hard to do. discern what is actually going on here. Because, like, there is a lot of, you know, misinformation and, like, there is a great deal of great now, especially, you know, if you're an American trying to, like, discern what's going on in the media or certainly how many missiles are hitting Tel Aviv still.

There is a huge amount of censorship, you know, like, particularly on American journalists in Israel. They just, like, simply, like, won't talk about or show missile impacts. So, like, it's hard to rate, like, you know, what is the continued capability of Iran? and it would seem to me just like even looking through like several layers, it seems to me like they are still fairly well capable of

engaging the enemy and controlling their own territory. Did you see that? Did you see that video though? I mean, they're saying that they've like irrefably harmed Dubai, but you see that video of Ian Miles Chong eating in the mall? How are you going to like, do you think they're going to arrest him?

Not for like, you know, posting video the damage, but they're like, you are ruining this image we've built up. I had the exact same thought when I saw like Ian Miles Chalky and Dubai posting because like Dubai is supposed to be

this like luxury zone of like morality free like wealth and consumption and decadence and humans trafficking and just prostitution and fucking it's like we're

fucking Andrew Tate and Connor McGregor hang out to like you know engaged in an orgy of rape and drug use and like I said limitless luxury and decadence and this fucking four-eyed dork this fucking frog is walking around and being like

this is what Dubai is about. A friendless loser who somehow has zero hose even in Dubai is like you know just like if it's stuffing his face and just like looking pathetic and like no Dubai is over it's done it's never coming back from this. Dubai was like

so there were like two tiers of marketing for Dubai one was for like international capital and that worked well now. The other tier, you brought up the Tate's and Connor McGregor, one of the reasons that Connor McGregor spent a lot of time in Dubai, besides their

let's just say they're reappraising me too, you could say. Yeah. One way to put it. Is that at least one figure in the Kenahan cartel, a notorious Irish

drug trafficking cartel that has numerous links also to combat sports. They have activist promoters for the boxer Tyson Fury and allegedly have some links and also have been in a feud with Connor McGregor. They live there

which is to say that Dubai has a secondary function and this probably affects more people. This is, you know, how many billionaires are there actually in the world of being like a 17th century style free city where if you were in

international criminal who's wanted by the U.S. Treasury or Interpol the EU, you can go there and no one's really going to fuck with you. And you can actually conduct legitimate business there. If you are really, like, really wanted, like the Kenahan's are, I got to assume that, like, what other options do you have? You're getting to stay there. But even everyone has a limit. And I think for those guys who, like, listen, I am not endorsing the Kenahan. cartel. I am not endorsing the actions of the Napoleon Camorra. As that genetic study showed, I am a man

from Naples. Ashaji Jews are Italian, I've always felt like a man from Naples. I'm looking to join the Camorra. If you're one of those guys, whatever, whatever crime figure, everyone's got their limit. And those guys are pretty cool, regardless of what you think of them morally. Once they figure out that they're sharing a city with Ian Miles Chong, that they want to have a night out in town,

but they could be featured in the background of a video where Ian Miles Chong is pulling off some of the wettest chewing I've ever heard in my life. That could be the end. They might want to go to prison instead of that. He's all alone in a mall eating ants off his own fucking arm. And like, you know, it's, did you see his video of the club going up on a Tuesday?

That's my name. It was amazing. It was amazing. And once again, zero hoes. I mean, another thing Dubai is, therefore is it's like kind of an exchange program for young women who are willing to get a shit on in exchange for a Birkenbag and yeah it's it's even my emails has zero none no women around him even in the prostitution capital of the world he is rich like yeah did you know that he's in the Panama papers to get the fuck out of here get the fuck out of here

no no no I like really like at least his family is rich and And, you know, I mean, one way or another, he's got enough money to, like, relocate there. And who knows really, but, like, either through family money or just his post being so good. But that mean, like, some of the worst, most depressing treatment of women happens in Dubai. Like, that is where if you're like, it's like, it's like all the bad guys from Taken live there. Exactly. That is where you're, do you remember that? Danish guy who killed that fucking

poor woman on that submarine. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. That's where guys like that try to fly out, whoa, Vicky. Just like some real gross guys. Like, Merkin from Veep lives there. And if you

have enough money, you can poop on anyone there. It's just, you know what my dad used to say? He said, if you really want to, you can buy your weight out of any problem. And for a lot of guys that have a problem is, I can't poop on anyone in my home country. Yeah.

I'm going to buy everything as a price. Yeah. For Ian, that is not the case. And he's not even trying to poop on them. He just wants to hold their hand and it won't. There is a he, oh man, there was one time once where he posted a, he was having lunch with my favorite right-wing

influencer, the Spanish reactionary ate a lunch. I love him. She's named after my favorite thing to do. Very Dickensian. I like it. It really is. I mean, I wish she was a great big fat woman, but she's actually pretty in shape. It would be really funny if you were a gigantic fat zone and ate a lunch. But it caused a whole scandal of her having to repeatedly disavow the idea that she was his girlfriend.

Oh, man. And that's just like having lunch with her. Yeah, that's just being seen in public with her. Yeah. It's like if you are a woman who is seen with this guy, you have to like, you have to hire a crisis management firm. You have to hire the people that like Anthony Weiner went to. Just for just for talking to him in any context. Yeah. It's tough.

And it's not, look, there are some fucked up looking people there who have no problem getting some pussy or dick from. their best friends in the world. It's more than that. He just, when you see him, your mood goes down by about 40%. Yeah. He's just, there's a real communicative sadness in his eyes. And in that video of him in the club,

20 seconds of that video is this British man looking like he is trying to summon the courage to kill himself. And I think he was probably in a good mood before Ian came in there. So if I was The MBZ You know I was in charge over there I'm cutting his fucking head off

Just just him glumly eating like a pita bread in a mall that's empty And go like And wet how does it sound so wet Like yo Dubai Dubai Dubai is still number one It's still awesome It's just like

All I think was a couple of these fucking hotels getting set on fire and everyone has sent him the fucking exits immediately. You know what he said in that video? Does this look like a war zone? No, it looks worse. I'd rather be Adrian Brody's character and the pianist

than you if you buy it's just like talking about being alone and fucking sad. Like you have it worse than Adrian Brody and the pianist. Sorry, buddy. It's her Roberto Benetian. next picture. Life is hideous.

Yeah. Instead of lying to your kid about the Holocaust, it's Ian lying to everyone about having a girlfriend. Just play along with it. Ada lunch is letting the kid and she's like, and she's like, I have to humor this poor child before he's blown up by an Iranian missile. This poor 47-year-old child.

This poor 47-year-old toad man, I'm just like, I need to let him know it's all a game and that he has a girlfriend because I know one of these missiles is going to fucking poach his ass soon could you, like, if he got killed by the iron, like if a fucking lawnmower took him out, do you think

Elon Musk would acknowledge it? Because Elon Musk is like his biggest, that's the closest thing he has to a fan. I think he would acknowledge it, but like to make fun of him. He likes him though. No, but like, but like, whenever Ian posts like new video

now instead of being a junior or sophomore in American high school you can be a lesbian and Elon Musk will reply and go really horrible yeah now I think that would be the tenor of his reply would be like Ian Miles John killed

and missile strike in Dubai I think like he would have replied to that concerning yeah yeah oh this might be bad looking into this yeah

who would I mean who would be the most affected by that I don't know I don't know he's I mean there are more there are people who are like they get more shit right they're more broadly hated more prodded at but even those people who I'm thinking of they have more people supporting them I think just by terms of pure ratio he may be like the most disrespected and disliked man out there uh you know maybe second only for Charlie Kerr But, you know, you got to cross the rainbow bridge before that happens, you know, before you can really get to that level. Well, Char, I mean, like, disrespected, yeah, but I mean like.

Disrespected, but, but, like, he was still liked, but like, I, I mean, in terms of, like, non-criminales because obviously, like, oh, like Joseph Fritzel, probably people dislike him more. Maybe, I don't really know. This is a different category of people. Yeah, yeah. Let's not disrespect Joseph Ritzel by comparing him to Ian Miles Chung, okay? Yeah, I mean, I actually This is a whole different ball game, Felix.

This is a whole different game. Ato lunch would not disavow Joseph Ritzelot-Lose. Here's my new boyfriend. Let's go. Before I get to, I want to return to our parking lot parking lot, back to the parking lot. But I, you know, I mentioned a whole new ball game.

And I did want to bring this up on today's show. Look, Felix, I know, I'm going to talk about a sports ball obliquely for a second, but bear with me. But like I, I, to me, over the weekend,

over the last week, I, like, I was sort of wondering, like, like, what is up with America? Like,

what is up with our national character? And that, like, we can just, you know, that we just acquiesce to this, like,

insane criminal aggression or we seem to, like, actively enjoy it. And in fact, like, you know, per what Tim Dillon said

over the weekend, it seems to be the only thing we actively enjoy culturally. How did we get there. And like, what is the representation of our national character? And I would say the best possible example came courtesy of the world baseball classic. Oh, yeah. I know, I know you don't follow baseball. But like this is, okay. Yeah. Like, okay, so this, this is, you know, like, it doesn't really mean anything. It's just kind of an exhibition series. But like, the games have been fun.

And like, it's a cool way to like, where you see like, nations compete like under the flag of their nation and like through the game of baseball you get to see a lot of like a lot of different fans and a lot of different cultures and like the thing i appreciate that i appreciate about watching these games it was particularly like you know team japan is having a great time uh the japanese fans are i think like probably the best baseball fans on the world they're they're awesome but particularly team dominican you were the world's best mama fans yeah team dominican republic uh like they've been a joy to watch because like it just reminds me of like little league right because it's just like it baseball is just an excuse to hang out with your

friends. And they're fucking having so much fun. They're having a blast in the locker room. They're like bumping regga tone. They got 98 year old Juan Marischal just like doing moves and stuff. They've adopted white man Austin Wells because the Yankees catcher whose mom

is his mom is Dominican. He's Dominican on his mom's side but like he talks and looks like I do. You know? And they're like we need a left hand to catcher like come on and they're going crazy in the locker room and it's just like it's it's It's like on an international level, you see like the competition is pretty serious.

The games have been really good. I bring a USA just defeated the DR just the other night. And believe me, believe me, I was sickened by that. And I'll get to that in a moment. But the contrast between every other nation competing in this sort of exhibition series and Team USA is so stark. Because Team USA, like they don't look like they're having any fun at all. they are so joyless. And like the contrast between the Dominican Republic's locker room

and the United's Team USA's locker room were before a game against Canada in the World Baseball Classic, Team USA had former Navy SEAL fabulous Robert O'Neal, the guy who you may remember from threatening to sodomize a bunch of teenage boys after they said they would vote for Kamala, he said, you know, you would be my concubines in a better world

were I in charge of him. He said in a world with no social media, which is like, that's odd. It's a pretty small obstacle. Yeah, like, I would think, I would think, the legal system is probably a bigger impediment to you doing that than social media, but, you know, go off. It implies that like he's, he's more afraid

of, like, a callout thread than, like, legal consequences. Yeah. So, I was it, fuck, is it, Robert O'Neill, Robert J. O'Neill. He's one of the fucking Navy SEALs that killed Osama bin Laden. And, like, just the contrast between the Dominican Republic's locker room and like just the fun that we're having,

the dancing, the joy. To see Team USA just glumly and joylessly sit there as they were entreated to be inspired by this fucking lunatic's anecdote about the time he killed someone. The guy in the room who was on the helicopter crash said

helicopter crashed. Now I go, oh my God, what helicopter crashed? I assume we had more coming to help us. He said, bro, our helicopter crashed in the front yard. You probably walk right past. And it's just totally joyless. And look. Can't argue a success. They just beat the Dominican Republic.

Team USA continues to win. But like, there's something that is so about, this is our national pastime, our national character, is these guys who like, what do we want to advertise about ourselves to the world? And it is just like,

our joyless celebration of violence done in our name by other people to like, you know, Osama bin Laden. Something that happened, what? 15 years ago now,

longer? What did that happen? Yeah. Yeah. We have nothing to, to be proud of. Not even like, not even like, this isn't like even,

like this is not a guns, guns never own situation. This is like, Pakistani intelligence was like, hey, one of our guys would like $50 million. And we were like, and we somehow crashed a helicopter

while killing this 65 year old on dialysis. And this is, this guy's been eating out on this for fucking 15 years. Yeah, and they invite, and the idea that like, that like this is what we do to like inspire our athletes and like a sense of patriotic nationalism

in like you know an exhibition baseball tournament it's just these guys and then like Paul Skeens the fucking starting pitcher like our ace the way they were glazing this guy because he quote considered going to the Air Force Academy before pursuing a career as one of the highest paid pitchers in baseball the Charlie Kirk Special yeah exactly and it just

it's so like it's feelings it's it's nauseating to me because like, you know, baseball is our thing and it should be like, this is what we advertise of ourselves to the world. And I'm like, what we advertise of ourselves to this world is this like joyless fucking sanctimony

about killing other people with our military. That's it. That's what we have to offer the world. Or considering that we might have donated at some time and elected not to. Yeah. Yeah.

It was really fucking humiliating. It's sickening. It's sickening. And like, I know it. bit about baseball in Japan, mainly through the Rio Gaku Kudu series. It translates to

Like a Dragon, also known as the Yakuza series in America. Baseball is a huge part of the fifth game. And their baseball culture, it's really cool. They're like, you know, don't let the movie the last samurai fool you. They have a lot of fun

in that country. I would say fun. They have a lot of fun in that movie. Depends on who you're talking about. But by the way, this has always been bothering me. Did you notice that the fat, bad official who's like trying to make Japan sell out Samarais?

He looks like if academics was Japanese. That always bothers me when I go back and watch them. They were the good guys though, and that's what pisses me off about the last samurai is that the same director who directed Glory, which is a movie about the triumph of

modernity over the forces of, you know, reactory fucking slave state feudalism, which be like, then go to a different country and transpose the exact same dynamic. We'd be like, oh, actually, the samurai, they were the good guys. You know, like, you know, they're, you know, they're centuries-long tradition of, you know,

hereditary feudal overlordism over the lives of the peasants that they like could, you know, decapitate on a whim. It was actually bad that they were displaced by, well, I suppose it turned into Japanese fascist imperialism, but whatever. Well, no, I mean, that is right.

Well, that's why the movie's ridiculous, though, is because Tom Cruise is arguably responsible for the East Asian Code Prosperity Fair because he talks to the emperor when the emperor was like 15 and he's like, listen, I know that you guys are, you're modernizing and you're trading with the world,

but like don't forget this completely arbitrary code that allows you to murder lesser people. It could have like, yeah, suicidal sadism and cruelty writ large. And the emperor is like, you're right actually. and we should incorporate that stuff into our new modern military

so we have the best of both worlds you know but then once again it's just sort of you think about the samurai you think about those swords and the armor just like the swords are pretty fucking cool like they were pretty fucking cool as opposed to fucking I don't know

the Confederacy when I think about you know Johnny Reb or whatever fucking losers get them out of you nothing to offer anyone no they suck have you ever read it about like John Bell Edwards' life. It's just him losing battles.

And then he has to go to the hospital for nine months. And all these like disgusting women are like he's so hot. And that's why Robert E. Lee promotes him is because he's hot. I'm not even kidding. They were like, hey, this guy is responsible for losing like 20% of your army. And Robert Ely is like, he has beautiful eyes. And we have the audacity to fucking do homophobia to Iran's new leader. Can you believe that shit?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, we're against feudalism. We're historical progressives here. We support the merchants. Absolutely. There's some cool suits of armor.

Those swords. Forget about that. Who is that guy named? The black prince, Prince Edward. His armor fucking rocked. It looked like Sir Wilhelm from Dark Souls 3. Pretty fucking cool. Felix, we should go to the arms and armor exhibit at the Met sometime soon.

I went there. I haven't been there in 10 years, though. We should go back. And we should also go to the intrepid. I've been meaning to take you there for a while. No, yeah. Let's go to both of those. I went to,

I remember going to the Met with Libby, Watson, and Mullen in 2015. Awesome. What an interesting mix of people. Mullen instantly found all the armor suits with dick holes. Well, that's funny when you see all right. You realize how much nutrition has, like, caused human beings to grow, like, taller than we used to be. Oh, my God.

You're telling me. Talk about Tom Cruise. Talk about the last samurai. Damn. What you know what I always think of is both my grandfathers, right? They were both born in like 1920. They were but one was 6'1, one was 6'1 even. And for a Jewish guy to be 6'1, like during the Great Depression,

that's incredible. That's like a normal person being 7.10 now. And like being Victor Wenban Yama height, yeah. How am I like, I don't get how I'm only 6'1. I think it's because I started smoking something. early. People think I'm shorter because my legs are so disproportionately short and have a long torso. And I really think it was like smoking in eighth grade. If I could go back in time, I would have changed that. I would tell myself, start smoking. It's cool. It did not get me pussy if you're

in case you're wondering. Not even close. All right. To return to the quick trip parking lot, which is where this episode, where this episode began. It's just like, I alluded to it at the beginning of the episode in terms of like what's a way that we can like discern through official statements from the Trump administration like how the conduct of this war is like actually transpiring and I want to return to the Donald Trump threatening to execute

journalists you only do that when you're up that's usually a good sign in that's when when you're up you do that yeah that's like um well we were doing that we were doing that we were doing that after

we stopped doing it during the Battle of the Bulge because that's the way we got our shit push in a little bit but after we overcame that we murdered 80,000 newsies that's how that movie ends

we put Christian Bale through the news press and flattened him you know like those huge fucking rolls of newsprint that they print news paper and we crushed Walter Winchell under one of those

we just rolled it over it You remember also over the weekend, Pete Hegseth had this like unbelievably histrionic meltdown where he was just like, it's like you guys don't want us to win. And it drives you crazy that our warfighters are so good and so lethal and so strong. It just drives you crazy. And it's just like you're doing treason to the country. This is a write-up from reason here. I just want to get into it for a second.

President Donald Trump believes that journalists should be brought up on charges for treason for the dissemination of false information. In a social media rant about his war on Iran, the president claimed that corrupt media outlets were helping the Iranian government spread disinformation. He also highlighted a recent threat by Federal Communications Commission, the chair, Brendan Carr,

district broadcasts for their licenses for sharing fake news. All of this was inspired by a story that Trump himself admits is real. On Saturday, the Wall Street Journal reported that five U.S. Air Force refueling planes were struck and damaged on the grounds of a Saudi air base by an Iranian missile. In actuality, the base was hit a few days ago, but the planes were not struck or destroyed.

Four of the five had virtually no damage and are already back in service. One had slightly more damage, but it will be in the air shortly, the president wrote. In other words, Trump acknowledged the report was true and he took the issue with something it didn't actually say. Trump deemed the report fake news because it was bad news, and that attitude is shared by U.S. wartime partners across the Middle East. Authorities in Israel, the United Arab Emirates, Kuwait, Qatar, Bahrain have, between them arrested hundreds of people for sharing unauthorized footage of the war. And it goes on like that, but, but if you could go, like, in the parking lot metaphor here,

because, like, it's not just like, in the back of the day, you would have a rumble with another gang. You'd have, like, you know, there'd be, like, flick knives, zip guns, bike chains, things like that. And then when the jets and the sharks would fight each other, you had to rely, like, on, like, you'd have to wait to the next day to, like, hear from your friend, just be like, oh, who won the fight?

But the problem is now everyone's got a phone in their pocket. Everyone's got a camera in their phone. Yeah. Records video. And like often, more often than not, when there's a fight in a gas station parking lot, that shit goes live on Instagram pretty much instantly. And if you get like fucking, if you get just socked in the fucking mouth and your body just rag dolls onto the pavement, there's a good chance that like all your friends, your ex-girlfriends, your current girlfriend, your parents. Everyone's going to be seeing that shit, like the minute it happens. And it's out of contact because they only show you getting up.

And I guess like, so, okay, just to recap, we punched an 86 year old man in the face so hard. His head, his head blew off. It flew off. And, but, like, you know, his, his fucking, his sons and, like, their cousins and, like, some uncles, they showed up in the parking lot and they're pissed off. And we know, we thought he thought hitting that old man so hard would be, like, so impressive. I mean, obviously, like, you know, most people, you see a guy's head get hit. so hard it flies off, I'd be pretty intimidated. But this has not stopped the onslaught of cousins and the closure of the mids, the straight of

mids. Yeah. His, his, his price of an eighth. But the problem is, we keep telling everyone, we're like, we're going live on social media. We say, yo, like, we're hearing this parking lot.

We're kicking ass. We're fucking these guys up. They're not even here. We've 95% to reduce to their ability to keep throwing punches and like, you know, kicking car doors and, you know, like, throwing things. at us, you know. Don't believe that local news report about how his gay

son killed 40 of our cousins that didn't happen. Yeah. But now it's like, if you're just a bystander to this fight, like let's say, you're a Chinese bids importer and you have

a band full of mids. And you're sort of like idling outside the parking lot being like, we really got to get these bids back home. but there's a big fight going on. And then like they sort of wave you through. But then like the guys in the Mids van, they start recording shit.

They start, they get out their phones and they go on their Chinese social media network. And they show like a ton of other cars just getting fucking ransacked. They get ran through. And other Mids dealers being like, stop, please. Fuck, this is crazy. We don't want to die.

Okay. I would love Mids, but not this much. And, you know, like, it begins to undermine the idea that like, we've pretty much 95 to 99% reduce the ability of our opponent to continue punching us

in this gas station parking lot. But like that 1% that 1% is still a problem. They're still throwing some like some minor punches. There's some blows are being landed, but they're mostly sporadic and not very strategic. But when Chinese weed dealers

are filming this and putting it on Chinese social media, it still looks like we have a black eye. So the answer is if you watch any of these videos of our cousins getting their ass kick, in a parking lot or just merely that the other gang of cousins are still in the parking lot throwing things at us and fighting, you should be executed for liking

that post. Yeah. And keep in mind, the only reason this is happening in the parking lot and 40 of our cousins all mysteriously died of a cardiac event all at the same time and it had nothing to do with his 86 year old, his stupid gay family. This only happened because we made this really reasonable

request. We were like, listen, family of the 86 year old. can you guys all cut your arms off so you can never punch us again when we go to your house and kill all of your cats and shit in your bed? And they said no. It's ridiculous.

It's ridiculous that we have to fight over things like this. But like sometimes bravery requires that your uncle may have to die so that no one can threaten you in the future so that another uncle can threaten you. And that's what we have uncles. Did we remove the ADP home security system

from our Korean uncle's house. Yes. Is his neighbor who's also Korean going to come and kick his ass now? Maybe. But once we're done in this parking lot,

we have successfully cut off all these guys' arms and, um, okay, we're getting a word that a sprinter van full of our cousins drove off a cliff and instantly exploded. There were no spike.

There were no spike traps. There's nothing. No, no, no, no, none of there. No one ran them off the road. No one, you know what happened? They saw that they were taking the way that they pirate land man. They took the website off. So they just, they killed themselves.

Yeah. And we mourn those cousins. These guys didn't kill them. They didn't kill them. But once we're done with this, we're going to our Korean uncle's house and we're going to lay down the law. And we'll probably give him the security system back. It was a tragedy because there's a tragedy. a whole group of uncles that will never get to see the new Taylor Shred

in series Madison starring Michelle Pfeiffer and Kurt Russell. But the thing is, when they drove into... Yes, that is a new one coming out. When they drove into a movie... Madison, Madison, like, a girl named Madison or Madison, Wisconsin. It's called The Madison. It's like a... It's another range show.

I don't know. I don't know what it's about. We got to keep Taylor Sheridan away from this parking lot in old today. He's our most important cousin. I mean, as long as we can come home, as long as you can, like, eventually leave the park. parking lot and come home and watch Landman or Tulsa King. I think like,

I think the world will pretty much be okay. But the problem is, yeah, we can stay in this parking lot until September. The problem with the spirit van that drove off a cliff is that when they drove off the cliff, the problem is like during this tragic accident, they managed to look down and reveal to themselves that they were still traveling over midair and not falling.

and you know like that is the one rule of sprinter van driving what's such an elite position in our family by the way we know that we're winning like Felix we're winning the fight okay I think that's the important part we are conclusively and like we've said we've won the fight about seven times already and like

yeah I know that we said we already controlled that we said we already controlled the vending machines in the parking lot and now we said we're six weeks from controlling the vending machines. But sooner or later, we're going to control those fucking vending machines, okay? But the problem is, like, people on social media

are saying that it looks like we're losing the fight. Or at the very least, it looks like a fight is still going on. And I think it's very important to just control that flow of information and, like, definitely for sure, kill anyone who likes a post on Facebook about how there's still a fight going on at the quick trip, or implies

that we're losing the fight at the quick trip. There is nothing I hate more than people who post stuff out of context. And out of context is just anything that is not good for us. Like, what we were doing before this gas station fight, which is when my daughter posted those screenshots of me talking to her friend on Snapchat. Yeah. And I unlocked in a secret ninth tongue-out emoji that the rest of the public doesn't have access yet to it was that they knew it was made. A lot of people are saying this parking lot thing Where I've gotten all these cousins killed

I'm doing it at the behest of the guy That introduced me to my daughter's friend And that's kind of bigoted Yeah Look a lot of people say The only reason we're in the fight In the gas station parking lot Is our sort of like

We're sort of super senior weird friend Who like You know Already graduated high school, but it's kind of like still around and like dates girls on the debate team.

A lot of people say we're only doing it because we want to impress our older, cooler friend, but like that's 100%. Actually, that's true. We are doing it because of it. We are doing it because we are, but he's impressed. Yeah, yeah. We're doing it because of our weird friend

that a lot of people think. A lot of people call creepy, but I just only know that like, like, if it goes bad, we did it because of them. Crucially, like, we have no responsibility, but as long as we're in the fight, we're going to finish the fight, and we're going to win. Yeah, and we already have one. We have one,

but the problem is, is that there's a lot of dishonest posting, there's a lot of fucking snakes and haters on social media, and they take any advantage to lie about people, to lie on people, and they love lying, and, like, there's just a lot of negativity out there in the world.

We have one, at this point, we have won the fight. But the problem is, the people we're fighting continue to engage in physical violence against us despite the fact that we won the fight. It's like they don't realize that we won the fight. Yeah, despite the fact that we won the fight. Anyone who

follows our Facebook, they know that one of our biggest issues and this is like this dovetails of one of our biggest issues. We're constantly saying, what are we always saying? Women who make false rape accusations should go to prison and get beaten to death. And we are so serious about this issue

because according to us, we've been falsely accused of miscontact 78 times. This is the same thing. This is the exact same thing. I think they should get to say the people who are posting this stuff out of context of all of our sprinter vans flying off the road

of like our Korean uncle going, hey, who took my alarm system? You're just like those lying women. Absolutely. Absolutely. And look, there's a good chance we're still going to be in the parking lot come September or even after that. next year

four Septembers from now there's a good chance I get fired and then the guy who replaces me also has to work in this parking lot that may happen to rule myself

for the metaphor for a second and Felix it has been amazing watching officials on American news be like so like you're telling me that like when you started this war you didn't have any plan in place

for the closure of the Strait of Ramuz which is like everyone said this is basically the reason everyone said you shouldn't go to war with Iran is because they'll do this. I've been literally, Will, will, haven't we been reading that for like 27 years?

Yeah. And their response to that is like, oh, well, like, we absolutely took that into consideration. But the problem, the problem is that we're facing now is that Iran still controls the straight of hormones. And like, there is your problem. You know?

What the fuck? I'm the answer is that. They're like, but that's the thing is like, the way this has talked about in the media where they're like, Now, there was no plans in place for, he was warned by his top generals that Iran would close the streets of Hormuz. And they didn't have a plan to deal with that. That implies that there is a plan that could deal with that.

And like, as you said, it looks like what American war plan is, I mean, it's like, A, it's their fucking territory. It's their fucking country. And also, like, what would the plan be to, like, counteract that? And, like, the answer, like, they say it like, oh, the Trump administration, didn't plan for this. But the whole point is that nobody could plan for that outcome because it's this like

critical geographic like quirk of, you know, the entire global economy that Iran does control. And like, and if they wanted to, they could close it down. And they have. So like,

and like the way this is talking about, they're like, it is really unthinkable that Iran would do this. And also it's just sort of like, how could they do, you know, How could they do that? You know?

It's unbelievable. Like, that they would do that to the rest of the world, but like, you know, it's, it's, it's, it's so monstrous. And it's just like, just like, the way they continue to use their strategic assets and the territory they hold, um, to engage their adversary and sort of like maximize their own strategic advantage is really kind of unspeakable. And in many ways a war crime. Yeah. It's not like blowing up and double tapping. fucking girl school. You know where I first read about the idea of Iran closing off the straight of Hormuz?

Uncle John's bathroom reader when I was in middle school. That's how like known of a thing it was. I mean, I think the real thing that is going on here, and it's too embarrassing for anyone to admit, is that after, you know, true promise and this previous thing of tit for tat that we saw during Biden where both sides warned ahead when they were going to fire munitions in a face.

It's sort of symbolic exchange of retaliation. Yeah. It caused like the Trump people to think, oh, like that's wokeness. And the only reason they didn't wipe Iran off the map is because they're woke.

And like Iran's actually too pussy to close off the straight. It's just like the people who say like actually NATO should get like we should send troops to Ukraine and nuke Russia because Russia's already showed

they're too pussy to nuke people which is like yeah I mean like sure they'll kill a million people in an invasion of Ukraine like nuke someone no they're not gonna jump out like that they're fucking soft

yeah they're pussy yeah and also they're probably gay too yeah I think it's like the 21st century like all of our adversaries like when China takes Taiwan they're gonna be like

I guess you can't really do anything to stop it but like we got a lot of intelligence reports that the G guy is fucking you know he's on that he's on that homo shit he's smoking penises for real I actually party with this girl he fucked with they said his dick is like mad small

anyone also anyone posting those pictures of my small dick that I sent my daughter's friend you are going to be killed just just stay off social media like only only get your news about the gas station fight from trusted sources that is

we really, that really is this country, a country that's like, I hate social media, I hate how much people lie on here, all broadcasted on our Facebook where we're posting 28 times a day, managing our various local fuck-ups and disasters.

And you know, like, it's just as like, as part and parcel of the discussion about the World Baseball Classic locker room contrast, I feel, I know you must have seen, like,

the shit that like the Department of Defense or the White House, like the fucking mean videos they're releasing, where it's like, It's like wee tennis or golf And it's like, boo! And then like it's a real footage of a missile strike killing people. And they're like, whole in one.

And I'm just like thinking like, not only is that so horrible and distasteful, contrast that with the fucking videos that the Houthis put out or like that of the song, the Shia song that we played last week. The Houthi video that like, the lyrics of that song is like, we will sweep away the demonic gathering with immediate death.

I'm just like, fuck. Like, it's, it's shameful that, like, we've reduced this lethality and war fighting ability that we're all so fucking proud of and we all have to worship. And, like, the thing is, like, we don't really actually enjoy it. Like, I don't know who this is for.

Like, it brings us no joy. Only further solidifies our own misery and isolation. But, like, that it's being reduced to, like, a wee bowling game. And then it's, like, like, a strike. Like, well, and then, like, you're seeing actual people die. Like, not only is that shameful,

it's just as far like leaving aside the morality of it just as propaganda it's so fucking weak like it's so fucking weak dude like it just shows that we don't we like there's no one involved in this that believes in what we're doing even in the slightest and in fact like it's it's a just a pure representation of just absolute nihilism that we just think it's cute when we kill people and it's just like a fun game to us like I said compare that to like the people we're fighting against. Who like, you know, love them or hate them, they actually believe in something and are willing to die for it. Compare and contrast the type of stuff Araqqchi says to Pete Haguezssef. Unbelievable. Like the stuff that Iranian officials say in English. Yes. Probably like their

seventh language to Pete Higsteth going, the lethality of our war fighting is at an all time high. our warfighters are conducting excellence to the highest method of the kill field. And then bitching and whining when he's just like, we're so bitching, you just can't stand it. I can't stand how unfair you are to us.

I know you fucking took my headphones. I know you're fucking talking to my ex. Don't fucking deny it. I know you're talking to her. And it's like, Arasi, when they go, they go like, aren't you concerned about a U.S.

ground invasion of your country and he just goes we are waiting for them. I was like bro. It's so hard. It's so fucking hard. And it's the thing is like if you believe in America, if you are an American nationalist or jingoist who like loves the idea of like Cash Patel being in the locker room with our hockey team or fucking like our fucking petter-ass Navy SEAL serial murderers,

hyping up our boys in the locker room as we win the world baseball classic, doesn't this sicken you? I mean it sickens me and like I'm far from being like an admirer of America but like I am an American I'm indicted by all this shit I have to live here I'd like to fucking root for this country

but like when I see shit like this it's like if you take the history or culture of this country seriously at all or even if you just believe that like we have a like that we fight wars for a good cause for a moral reason how can you look at this shit and not vomit

it's one thing to be beyond reprimed approach morally and there are obviously a lot of people who, you know, do not think that. They think this is justifiable or they more likely have just discarded the concept of morality in any of these affairs. But to be morally repugnant and like incompetent and whiny is like, I won't say unprecedented, but to this level, I certainly feel like it. I don't feel like our country has been both of those things in such a way in the

maybe ever. I mean, if you are an actual American nationalist, this is not like George H.W. lighting up the highway of death. Yeah. This is humiliating. This is fucking humiliating. And there are no two ways about it.

Even like George W. Bush and Donald Rumsfeld. Like, I mean, I hate to keep like favorably contrasting them with the current. Because, like, you know, they were, you know, every bit is. If not more evil. But the thing is like, it used to. to be like, even when we were totally lying about it and contriving and fabricating reasons that we can engage in a war of aggression that killed like a million people.

The people doing it in the Pentagon and White House still had to pretend like war was a very grave obligation that was only undertaken under the most, like the gravest of circumstances. And it was something that had to be prosecuted without joy. And it's not like, I wouldn't say that these people were prosecuting with joy, but like the way they advertise over and over again is that it is all one big fucking joke to them. And that war is just something

we do because it's what we do and we like it. And there is like, you know, once again it's just like no more flesh on the T-800. It's just the skeleton. There's no more pretense ever, ever, ever again that America is a good country or the people that run it, however anyone's best interests at heart. And I'm sorry,

like, I don't know what comes after that. Maybe it's better not to live with the illusion, but like that is the world we live in. And like, I, you know, I was thinking about this this week too, like in terms of our murder, suicide pack with Israel. The fact that they keep bringing on that prison rapist on TV and like hailing him as a hero.

And like in no sense that they argue this guy was unfairly slandered or this is their cover up of a lie. He was bravely, I don't know, being a prison guard and like, you know, this is all fabricated. They're like, no, he did it. And we love that about him.

And that's why he's a hero. Yeah. Because he was like raping and killing these people. And actually it isn't rape because you can't do that to Gentiles, especially on the lock. Yeah. That's the entire argument.

Yeah. It is like, we are a. Both now, like, totally undicted and, like, totally caught up in this, like, absolutely diseased, like, spiritually, culturally and morally, this fucking death spiral that, like, Israel and the United States, man, like, it's just, like, we have poisoned ourselves so deeply with this shit. That, like, we don't have anything to say or offer anything to the world anymore other than just death and fear. And the thing is, the rest of the world, they don't seem to be playing along anymore.

Like, they don't seem to be acting like they're all that afraid of us anymore. Like I said, we're going to see what happens at that. God willing, China sells the fantastic PL-15 missile and the wonderful alternative to America's F-16th say, the J-10s, to countries besides Compidore, Pakistan. That is one thing I've been thinking about. God, I wish Imran Khan was in right now, and we did not repose. Right.

Before we go, update on the gas station situation, Spencer just sent me to this. Trump on the street of Hormuz. The U.S. doesn't need oil. Okay. We're actually quitting mids. We're going back to school. We're actually being a great and fire science.

We're no longer selling drugs. Yeah. We're getting a scholarship. We're going to become an engineer. I don't know if I've talked about this on the show. But like this is such a specific, like, feeling. And it's so specific to like people who do. our job, I guess, and

really a specific type of life, I would say. And it's like this weird feeling of guilt, not for something you've done, but just for like the circumstances of people's lives. When I would feel in like the first five years

of the show when I would like talk to people who I knew from my childhood or adolescence who were just, you know, like we've all had friends who are like fuck ups, right? And you talk to that friend who's just more of a fuck up than anyone you know.

And they say something to you like, yeah, I'm actually, things are looking really good, man. I'm going to whatever the thing below community colleges, I'm going to that to get a one-year associate's degree in being a male dula

because they don't do a background check to see if you've assaulted someone. To see if you've punched somebody at a gas station if you become a male dula because they're in high demand. And you know how much they make? $17,000 a year. And you're like, that's great. I'm so happy for you. And you just, you feel so bad because your job and your life is so easy. And it's not that this guy's like a good person, but it's just like, man, it can be really hard out there.

And there are just so many people who just cannot like figure it out. If you gave them a million years, they would not figure it out. And that's this country now. Yes. We don't even need it. It's gay. Just oil shit. Fuck it. We don't.

I'm going back to you. You know what I'm going to do? You know how much you make managing a rent-a-center? $700 a month. I'm getting my degree in furniture management. Do you know how much you can save one rent by moving into a storage locker? Yeah. Exactly.

Exactly. This is what's coming for this country. That is going to be the upper middle class in America. are the guys who like, it'll be the guys like my friend who, he bragged to me that, well, yeah,

because I worked for Best Western, I get to say at the penthouse of any Best Western in America. A penthouse of a Best Western? I don't even know they had Penn Houses. That's great, though. This was the guy, I'll never forget this.

I've always wanted to write about this experience. I guess I'll save it. It's just such a, it's one of those stories that doesn't have a punchline, but it just, like it's just so sordid and it it's about like the type of constant like humiliation by proxy you experience as a young man but i've never forgotten the guy that told me that and then when we hung out in what we called what he called the penthouse which was just the floor on the top of the best

western in downtown chicago was the best western the was the best western that was was best western the motel that we stayed out when we did a show in pittsburg and like there were like cigarette burns on the fucking bed coverings and like i swear to god like the room i walk into like Anton Chigur had visited the night before. Oh my God. I don't know what franchise that was, but I remember we showed Michael Hudson and Michael said,

this is the type of place that pedophiles go to to use their internet. Is that fucking grim? Oh, man. Oh, fuck. Well, yeah, we'll see. We get some real penny pinching on those old tours. Well, we'll see how the,

we'll see how the gas station brawl evolves over the next week or so. But like once again, just for anyone listening out there, we have won the fight conclusively. And probably, we've probably beaten our opponents more thoroughly than any fight in human history has been recorded.

The pond fight, you know, like it's been conclusively ended. The bong fight, the pond fight. We've both conclusively, we've bested all the combatants in that and both bong and pond variety.

We've moved on to the gas station parking lot. We have already won it about seven times. so like please if anyone says it looks like or asks why we're still fighting or asks how we feel about all the cousins that have died in transit fans and the skyrocketing price of an 8th in our town

like just know that they are traitors and they should be swiftly executed by the state all glory to our parking lot fighters they're more lethal than ever they're so lethal and by the way if you you live next to this gas station and we I know we told you like if you buy aifs from us,

this will never happen. If you don't join us right now, we will fucking kill you. We know we say, you know, we know, do this now or you will fucking die, join this fight that we've already won.

And, yeah, no, the other thing, it's looking good. We think in nine years, once we control the parking lot, that we've already won in.

And once we get control of, the vending machines in 13 years. We think we're going to be able to install a new stepdad for the family. And it's actually the stepdad, the son of the stepdad they had 48 years ago. So isn't that great? Do you read the Roman Helmets guys, like sort of strategy about what to do about oil? That was, I would say, I'm going to read it. I think they need to reassign the Nobel Prize.

for economics. Okay, I'm going to read this, but every time he says oil, I'm going to change it to weed, okay? The USA is a net weed exporter. Closing the Strait of Hormuz hurts almost every other country more than it hurts the USA, except Russia. We can make it hurt even less. We can keep domestic weed prices cheap while also raising money for the federal government. If the street stays closed, the U.S. should impose an export tariff on weed. For example, say the global price of it eight, hits $150. Domestic weed producers right now make a profit at anything above $65, around $65 and $8th. But weed was trading around $80 an eighth before the war. So let's be nice to them. Put a $70 export tariffs on each bag, each eighth taken out of the country. Then domestic

weed companies will be indifferent between exporting weed for $150 and paying the $70 tariff or selling it domestically for $80. And so the price in America will fall back to $80 in $8. I can't follow all of that, but it seems to me like it's still $150 for an eighth right now. That is, again, I think they should kill Joseph Stiglitz and give this guy the award. He says here, this is like the type of policy that Chichescu is coming up until the moment they killed him. This would help the American people. This is so good. Raise revenue for the federal government, allowed domestic weed producers to continue making a very good profit,

and remove the domestic political leverage that the Iranian regime is hoping to exert by closing the gas station parking lot. Win, win, win. It's a no-brainer. The weed lobby will bitch, but we're fighting a weed war right now that is making them massively wealthy.

So maybe they should just shut the fuck up. Why didn't, if it's like a win-win, like, why didn't we do it before? It's so fucking good. This is, I think this is a new discipline of economics. I don't want to Hot Couch is like it is too well-tread territory

I'm going to call this the backseat of your friends Katara economics the successor to Austrian economics All right This is really some really genius stuff out here All right let's close it out there for today

That does it for today's episode Do we have any announcements Business to conduct the show? I just one thing It's like if you're going to go that far okay, why not make it so let's make it illegal to pay oil workers

until the oil is sold and then for the duration of this war which is only until September of 2030x we make all like shit you cannot exchange any currency for dollars or vice versa and that is pure downward

pressure on oil this is really I'm trying to Ediamine would do this. Really good shit right here, man. Roman helmet guy, I think you are, you are sequestering yourself into just one area of expertise. I think you should be called economics helmet guy.

And you're wearing the helmet to keep all these great ideas in. Well, best of luck on... Looks like someone's still getting the Mids and the seeds. Yep. All right. That does it for today. show everybody um till next time bye bye god bless our war fighters

we don't need oil we have all the oil we need for ourselves it's one of the great assets that we have but we did it it's almost you could say we did it that a happen which is not a good thing to do but we did it because we have some good allies there we have Israel there

so we did it for a lot of reasons so we did it