Chapo Trap House - 1033 - Lassie’s Nude Adventure feat. Alex Nichols (5/4/26)

Episode Date: May 5, 2026

Will, Felix, and Alex take a break from the news this week to answer some Dear Prudies! We answer questions about nude dogsitter, several bad parents, an old swinger couple with a bedroom dilemma, and a man who is cartoonishly afraid of eating pussy. Really gross episode honestly, girlfriends beware. Follow Alex on Twitter: x.com/@Lowenaffchen Check out his show Fortune Kit: https://www.patreon.com/fortunekit And watch ChapoFYM: https://www.twitch.tv/chapotraphouse

Hello everybody. It's Monday, May 4th, and this is your choppa. Once again on today's episode, Felix and I are joined by the great Alex Nichols. Alex, welcome back. What's up? How you doing? Gentlemen, listener, for today's episode, there's things going on in the news, but really nothing I haven't talked about a billion times before on this show, just to give a brief rundown, things heating up in the Strait of Hormuz, missile is getting fired at Dubai, blocking the blockade, that's going on. We say we're going to not escort ships through the minefield, but we're going to tell them how to where to go.

We're going to just sort of, I don't know, talk them through it, like, you know, parallel parking or something. Our plan is to backseat game. like the most annoying thing. Oh man. It gives me flashbacks to when I did that Dark Soul stream that fundraiser a few years ago after I got the COVID vaccine and I was all fucked up.

And I had like eight people telling me what to do in the tune of the giants. And I wanted to kill myself. Imagine if like you're in that situation. But if you fuck up, you die. Yeah. Personally, I always forget what the difference is between Starboard and Port. You know, is it left or right? I don't know.

Oh, my God. I hate that. Like, can you guys just fucking, oh. Yeah, then there's stage starboard. Stageboard. It's opposite. It's so annoying. Yeah.

Both people are such assholes. Like, you don't, you guys don't need a different left and right. Could you calm down? The folks. It's not spelled that way, but it's pronounced that way. Come on. They've got nautical miles. Yeah, yeah.

They've got their own miles. Fathoms. What the fuck are those? Fathoms, leagues. Yeah. I started we didn't get to you last week. Seems like the Supreme Court has done away with the Voting Rights Act. I guess that had a nice run.

But welcome back, Jim Crow. I don't have too much to say on that. Maybe we'll have a guest in future weeks to come. That story isn't going anywhere. It seems like Rudy Giuliani's dying. I mean, perfectly healthy men like that usually. recover. I don't really. I've been in the next five years of our Patreon that he is going to pull through. I think he will. He'll be

right back to chasing nurses around, you know, chasing him around the hospital, you know, playing grab ass, you know, like a beetle Bailey style, chasing him around the desk going, those titties are mine. They're mine. I, yeah, he does have a very beetle baileyan lifestyle. Do you think Beatle Bailey, um, do you think that that was like what, uh, Don Draper that Dick Whitman, whose identity stole was like before all that happened. Yeah. A real beetlebelly was killed in the Korean War.

Yeah. The more forgettable GIs. Yeah. They were like cartoons. Yeah. It is kind of cool that they're trying to blame the Rudy thing on 9-11. Which I guess is reasonable. Well, yeah.

He was down there, breathing it all in. He did breathe it in. But they're saying it's exclusively. that and not that he's in his 80s and extremely poor health. And I guess you got to hand it to him. Like, yeah, you can you can say you died of 9-11. That's okay. Yeah.

That is. Just his name into the memorial. That is real. I really hate it when people do that. Like when a guy, someone hits someone with a car and they're in a coma for like 50 years and they die and they're like, now we're going to charge him with murder. It's like, it's not good to hold grudgets. I don't like, it's.

If we execute Khalid Sheikh Mohammed for killing Rudy Giuliani, I just don't, that's not going to bring him back. Well, let's see. Any other things in the news? I mean, probably we're entering now month five of Hassan Piker discourse. Like I said,

nothing I haven't talked about, we haven't talked about on the show many times before. So in lieu of our usual sideways glance at the news today, I thought we would take, return to a familiar vein of material for today's show. And once again, in the guise of the slate.com advice column, dispense some of our own guidance on contemporary moors, things like sex, jobs, relationships, and just, you know, as social matters of social etiquette.

So on today's show, we'll be dispensing advice to other people's questions. I don't think they like to be called Moors. It's a very antiquated firm. No. This letter from Venice has a question about. about his daughter and upcoming nuptials. The merchant of Venice has written a letter to Colombia

saying that it's unrecognizable from when he went there. Dear Prudy, my daughter has been making the beast with two backs with a man that a highly skilled mercenary I disapprove of for certain ways, signed Iago. Wait, it wasn't Yago's daughter.

He was just a hater. He was just a hater. All right. So let's just let's just dive into the Dear Pretty Letters for today's show. So this first one is to the how to do it column. So this is a sex question. So it says, Dear, dear how to do it, my wife and I have been married 19 years. Last week she came home from girls night out, pretty drunk. She climbed into bed and tried to initiate sex while I was asleep. She started kissing my hand and fingers. Each kiss was. becoming more and more arousing. And then it took a really weird and painful turn. Out of nowhere, she bit my finger, hard, and wouldn't let go. Then she started laughing and said,

you're so tiny. I want to be clear. I want to be clear. I am not into humiliation or pain play. It is not something I desire at all. I confronted my wife about this the next morning, and she didn't believe me or what she said until I showed her the bite mark. I am really vanilla and I am okay with that. I am small and I am okay with that too. Can't change it anyway. This experience was a major turnoff for me and I'm having trouble moving past it.

I asked my wife why she did that and she said to just let it go. She didn't even remember saying or doing it, but I do. I'm trying to find a way forward. It wasn't fun. It hurt physically and emotionally. Do you have any advice for me, signed once bitten? Well, she's not still doing it.

It sounds like she stopped. Yeah, how old when you were written this letter? Well, I mean, this is an example about how, you know, what is led to one man could be gold to another because like,

there's probably lots of small men out there who are just really hoping that their wife or girlfriend would come home and just eat them and go, you're so tiny. Yum. Yeah, oh, man.

That's not doing it for me. It doesn't appeal to you, Alex? No. Well, I don't know. You don't have to be, regardless of your, of stature, you know, like, there are plenty of guys who want to be squashed like a bug or have their finger bitten off as part of some sort of erotic roleplay. Did she have her sexual awakening during Charlie bit my finger? That's very childish behavior. It's something you're supposed to do to your brother.

Yeah. It's an innocent thing between. others. It is, like, it is, it is weird. The you're so tiny thing, um, and the biting the finger, the biting the finger especially, because it did just, it's, it's sort of discordant with like some sort of like, our crumb, uh, big woman dominating the little shrimp type thing. But, um, okay, I think you need to fucking nut up. It hurt emotionally. Like, you're still sad about it. That's like, if, if you were like, uh, you know, I always. think the idea of talking dirty

is disgusting and I don't I refuse to do it I hate all of that stuff famously I dated a woman who was into sort of you know mild domination stuff and she was like I want you to tell me what to wear to my job I was like your black shirt

it's nice whatever it says in the handbook yeah I just I don't know I don't know right I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I'm doing believe me. Why? You'd be like, I don't know, a shirt, pants.

And I really love, like, oh, it's about 60 degrees out. I don't know, maybe like a light outer layer. Yeah. Yeah. I really, I really loved her, too. And I was just still couldn't, like, I couldn't get in the mindset. I have, I, I'm a real, I'm an Occupy type person. I'm really against hierarchy.

That's what I can't do it. But it is sort of like if you were like, you, like, you, like, a guy. guy's fucking his wife and he's like, you've been a bad girl. And like a month later, she's like, I don't think I'm bad. What do you mean by that? I haven't like stolen cookies from the cookie jar. Like, it's like, okay, can we like get it together? But like I guess I have to dispense advice to this, to this small bean.

I would just say like, you know, this is an easy conversation to have. You could just say, hey, I like the kissing. No biting, please. You could just wait it out. You've already been married 19 years. You're probably like in your 40s, maybe in your 50s. Eventually, neither one of you is going to have teeth. And it's perfect.

It's like prison. You don't even have to worry about it getting in the way. She woke me up gumbing my fingers. My elderly wife woke me up gumbing my fingers and it was disgusting. Or if you're a real passive aggressive type, on the 4th of July, you should accidentally hold on to a firework for way too long. Oh, God. Yeah, like it's a test of her love. Yeah.

Yeah. Would you still love me? Okay. Yeah. Do that. Blow your hand, blow both hands, clean the fuck off. And you cannot get,

you have to get some creepy prosthetics. You have to get two hooks. And then get the Gattaca height surgery. And that just for good measure, get really fat. I recommend Amazon sweet and spicy trail mix. It turns out when you need. seven handfuls of that every night

you gain five pounds. Yeah, and there might be spices on your fingers. That's even easy. You just get them covered in food. You get them covered in gross food. Oh, okay. Or you just sleep with like both of your hands inside your ass crack.

She pulls a mouth, it's like, ooh. Well, that is actually why I thought this story was so weird because I thought, you know, everyone obviously sleeps like that. How did she get his? So she pulled his hands out of his ass crack without him waking up. I mean, we all do it.

Yeah. I mean, it's warm there. What are you going to do? I'm holding the poop in. I'd like to imagine that the wife here that like this has unlocked some, some sexual interest or fetish in her for biting. And she's going to get like insane dental surgery

and have like huge. goofy veneers and just come back and be like Oh my God Imagine if she, you know Who is in Trump? Kai Trump Her fucking veneers Could you imagine that girl biting you?

She has veneers already. Yeah, how old is she? She's like, she's 18 years old. Yeah, and she got the most insane fucking veneers. It like alters the way she talks. I used to think there was like a zoomer accent, but no, it's actually just veneer talk. It's just her fucking...

They're all... Yeah, they're like George Washington. They look crazy. Like, I've never... I've always been afraid of mushrooms. But, like, she now looks like what people look like on too many mushrooms with her big, freaky teeth.

Just this is an aside. Like, veneers all look terrible. Like, why are people getting them? Like, I mean, maybe if you have, like, Shane McGowan's teeth. Like, okay, that's understandable. But, like, everyone else, like, they look so.

weird. Like they're, they're too big. They're too uniform. Like, it's just, it's not, it's creates some uncanny valley thing. It's just, there's no need for it. Yeah, it's got to be an improvement. Yeah. How could your teeth be that bad that you need veneers? You're a teenager. Yeah, yeah.

I mean, that's not, like, I've always understood teeth as to be, like, in America, for sure, as like, the first, like, class marker you notice on people. Yeah. Um, like, that That's always why I feel bad about my insane complex about like gums and mouths is because really I'm just being an evil Classist. Yeah, I just, I don't feel good about the fact that I'm like, but it's who I am.

But, you know, presumably she got good orthodonti or maybe she didn't, you know, maybe Donald Trump is notorious for stiffing orthodontists. And they really fucked her shit up. but I doubt it I doubt it I doubt that they would Any orthodonts I've known Except one has been a lovely person

I don't think they would Do multi-generational punishment I'm looking up I'm looking up like why people get veneers Besides just like they think their teeth are gross It could be like a gum line thing I was thinking about that Maybe because it is like there is very little you can do about a gum line

Another reason why I feel bad talking about it all the time, telling people who have gross ones to die, putting up billboards and struggling people. No, no, I'm kidding. But maybe it was that, you know, I don't know. Or she has syphilis. Oh, yeah, that could be it. Also at 17.

I've heard that. I've heard that. It could be. That's presidential, like George Washington. Yeah, indeed. He had vener of a kind. and fucked up teeth. Yeah.

Yeah. And syphilis. And he had the president's name, just like Kai Trump does. Felix, you think that like, that, that, I don't know, which, which son is she the daughter of Eric or Don Jr? Whatever. Either one of them, like, did they send her to, like, the dent. Like, instead of sending her to a dentist or an orthodontist, they sent her to, like, the same doctor that Trump goes to that's like, you're very healthy and aced all the cognitive test. You're not obese, Mr. President.

Well, okay, yeah, you're correct. She is Don Jr.'s son. And, like, I think Eric, like, they're both, like, fuck-ups and ass kissers, but Eric, at least, Eric is a little more, I think Eric could tell after a while that people find him absolutely repulsive.

It's because of his gums. His gums are hideous. Oh, yeah. He is one, one gummy bear. But, uh, fucking Don Jr. is like a big enough ass kiss to be like, uh,

Hey, you should go to the fucking magician that my dad sees for his teeth. Spencer has commented that the letter writer, like, this could be a misapprehension here because this guy could just be married to a parrot. He's actually just writing a letter about his partner, a parrot. Yeah, that's why she said she didn't remember it. The bitch is just squawking at me. You're so small. She's just squawking.

You're so small. You're so small. She won't shut her fucking beak. Just give her some sunflower seeds and shut her up. I'm not trying to ruffle any feathers here. I just want you to stop biting my damn fingers. All right. Well, like I said, just, I don't know, change the newspaper in your wife's cage or have a conversation with her.

Better sue it. The suet's probably too hard. So it's looking for supplemental nutrition. All right. All right. Next question. This is to Dear Prudence. Dear Prudence, I recently went abroad on a three-month sabbatical. A friend of mine, Rudy, is staying at my apartment to watch my dog. And while he is extremely responsible and lovely in nearly every way, I'm facing a mortifying situation that I don't know how to handle. I use an app that connects to a camera in my apartment located in the living room so I can see what my dog is doing and make sure that everything is okay. I didn't disclose this to Rudy. I know multiple dog owners that use similar apps and he dog sits pretty frequently, so I figured he'd be familiar with this. However, I'm realizing he might be completely unaware of this possibility because he is constantly in the nude while in my apartment. He sits on the couch naked without sitting on anything and to my complete horror has been using my

Peloton bike completely naked as well. I'm grossed from a hygiene perspective and I also have no interest in seeing my friend in the buff when I'm just trying to make sure my dog is okay. I'm hesitant about asking him to stop since I didn't tell him there were cameras in my apartment and I'm sure he would be embarrassed. I'm also concerned that he would be upset. I didn't disclose this to him and would refuse to continue dog sitting, something I don't want to deal with while I'm out of the country. My dog has health problems that require medications, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. My dog is safe and sound. I know that ultimately that's what matters, but I can't stop thinking about this to the point that he's actively distracting me.

You think there's a sensitive way to approach this without, that won't scar both of us for life and sabotage our friendship. Was it atrociously unethical that I didn't tell him about these cameras? Should I just try to let it go while preparing to get a new couch and bleach the seat of my Peloton when I return? Yeah, that's so nasty. Why would you want to ride a Peloton naked? I don't understand that. Like, you would think you would want something covering your butt if you're sitting on a bike seat.

Yeah. Even if it's hot out or something. Yeah. You're going to chafe. I don't know. Well, maybe he has a really small asshole. Maybe. I wrote a Peloton once in a hotel and it was like mine is too big.

Like I felt like... Did you have clothes on? I did. I did. Oh, that's the problem. You're not supposed to do that. Oh, my bad. No, but I felt like it was just too small to seat for my big asshole.

Which is just naturally like that for all you people who think I'm anything but a heterosexual man. Um, but anyway, uh, see, so he could just be showing off the thing that I am stuck on more than anything is, is this guy's like, well, obviously, I have a system of cameras to observe my dog at all times because he has ALS. And it's like, what the fuck? Can you get like a hobby, you dumb asshole? Like I just, I hate people. Just get a picture. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Like I'm sorry. Like I'm sorry. I know it's sad when like, like, like, a dog is dying a pet, you're losing a beloved pet. But like, these people were like, you've seen these dogs where they have like

three peg legs, they have veneers, they have a glass eye, they have fucking paw cancer, they're like these long-suffering Labradors who emit that awful foot stench and you're just, you know, they leave an

oil slick. Yeah, they go. I don't know. No, no. I don't. I was a nude man in the apartment that left that. Not the dog. Well, that's why you have the camera so you know which one is which. So you don't just blame it on the dog. Because he would have just blamed all those smells on the dog. The dog has always seen some stupid shit like shredder.

And they're like, shredder is tough. And it's like, no, he wants to fucking die. But he, the dog does not have the concept of suicide. Yeah.

And now you have all these cameras like it's an old person or a stupid toddler. And it's like you couldn't be doing it. anything else, why don't you volunteer at a soup kitchen and teach people how to read? Instead of prolonging your dog's life and interfering with your friends. That's the other thing. If I ask someone to like house it and be a living nurse for my dying dog who's gross, I would be like, hey, odds are he's going to get, he or she is going to get their genitalia on something.

Yeah. Look, there's a couple things here. Like, the writing the Peloton nude is insane. But also, I got to say, sitting on someone else's couch completely naked without putting like a towel down is also pretty gross. You know, but that being sure, look, he, I, you know, when I first started reading this letter, I was like, oh boy, I know where this is going, you know. It could have been, it could have been a lot worse.

And the thing is like, that would be, that would be so funny if like, it was. that and he was like um i don't know like maybe it's in his culture to do that to dogs um but i feel like my dog doesn't like it i mean could he at least replenish my supply of skip skippy peanut butter before i get back from europe so if i've been streaming this if i've been streaming my cam on a chat uh chatter bait or whatever or chat roulette and i've been getting tokens do i have to give them to the dog sitter i have to give him a cut is it okay because he's not supposed to be naked in my house and it's my house or because I'm breaking even right now.

Like it's totally free for me because I'm just restreaming his nudes. I feel like if you trust someone enough, if you trust someone enough to give them the keys to your apartment and let them like live there for like a month and look after your sickly dog who has like, you know, Blue Garrig's disease or something.

And you never saw dogs doing the ice bucket challenge. You ever notice that? You try to do it with a dog. They don't understand. They just run away. They get all freaked out because the water is so cold. So I'm supposed to feel bad when you guys get ALS and you're dying. Nope. Zero empathy.

Like, but, but if you trust the person enough to have them dog sit, your, you're not well dog and like live in your apartment for a month, I think you got to chill on like checking in on the Wi-Fi cameras, you know, on your like home security sits there.

Because like, you've already entrusted this person to look after your dog. So I feel it's weird to like, you're looking like, on the cameras in the house that this guy doesn't know is there to check up on the dog because it's just like you've already entrusted it to this person. And now you're in this situation where you're like, oh, do I have to tell them? And I would say like, the etiquette here is like, okay, I think it's, as I said, we've established it is weird to sit on someone

else's couch completely nude or ride their exercise bike completely nude. Spencer comments here, riding a Peloton naked is something a nine-year-old who doesn't know he was gay would do. my dog's hitter took off the seat of my peloton and then he was riding it he was completely nude I don't know what to do but I would say like I think the broader question of etiquette here is that if you have like sort of Wi-Fi like internet enabled cameras in your house that you can check in on in any like time you'd like

and someone is staying in your house I think you have to disclose that to the person and you have to tell them where the cameras are yeah yeah you know Because now you're in a situation where you have to tell them, oh, I've been watching you nude abuse my couch and things like that. Because it's like, yeah, they'd feel embarrassed for, you know, leaving skid on your on your couch or whatever. Also, are the dogs allowed on the couch? Good question.

That would be so pissed off if the dogs weren't allowed on the couch. Good question. Matt guys on the couch. I hate those people. How can you have a dog and be like, oh, it can't be on the couch? It's like, they live there too. What the fuck are they going to do? Like, oh, yeah, yeah.

We love our dog, but we don't let it. use any of our stuff because it's a filthy animal. Okay, then don't have one, you disgusting piece of shit. Yeah, keep it outside. I think the people who do that, they like, they, they, they, they've been abused their entire life and their dormats and they just want to lord over a dog. Yeah, they're so proud of having a couch. Like, I think you're like, they're really too high and mighty over having a couch. Oh, yeah. That's cool. Oh, you're so much better than the mere animals on the floor because you have this couch. I got a man's nude ass was on it and he left little pieces of poop on it.

So maybe the dogs are cleaner down on the floor. See, okay. If I was this person, you think you're ruining the resale value of the couch? No, no one wants to buy it, you stupid asshole. You flip the cushion over. Yeah, problem solved. No, like, and that's what I would say.

I wish that was on the camera. I wish the guy, the guy just flipped the cushion over over after sitting on it nude. He sees there's a big brown streak all the way down. just flips it over. You're never going to find out. And if they do, they're going to think it was the dog. It's the couch. It's the exercise bike that makes this a problem. Some people just like to be naked. They like to walk around in the apartment naked.

If there's no one there, that's harmless. That's totally above board. But if I were this person, for me personally, the embarrassment of having to explain that, like, I saw you sitting naked on my couch while I was surreptitiously voyeuristically checking up on my apartment would be more. I would just, you know, get new upholstery on the cow, you know, flip the cushion, like Alex said, take a little like Korox wipe to the Peloton bike seat and then just go on with my life. I'd forget about it. I wouldn't bring it up. Yeah, maybe just get a new guy. Maybe just send the dog to a nursing home. Maybe just put the dog to sleep.

Like it's such a hassle when the dogs want to age in place. Yeah. And they want to die in that house. Like, it's not time to downsize. They have to invite this guy over and have cameras and shit. There should just be a nursing home for dogs. dogs. Oh man.

That's a good idea. That's a really nice idea. Yeah. And then like none of those parents who are like, oh yeah, the dog went to live with a family who appreciates him, you know. Or if you're, yeah, if you're like a really mean parent, I guess you do that. The dog told us that you kids are too bad and bad at doing homework and stay up too late and you're naked on her sofa's too much and he wanted to live with a good family.

But then if it was an actual farm, like hospice for dogs, they wouldn't be lying. That's true. I guess, I guess like you don't, you know, you do kind of do a hospice for dogs on their last day of their life where you like give them meatloaf and like let them ride the Peloton and shit. You give them your final judgment. Yeah. But it should be like, I don't know. It should be like the full last year of their life. And you decide when that is.

yeah 365 days starting now well i think most people are like um are good at being like okay my dog's clearly dying but again people like this asshole in this story who uh you know it has this panopticon for his dog's uh stupendous barrage of health issues they think they they are pro long they're like Terry Chivas parent. All right. The next question, this is a parenting question. This is a short one, but I really, I really adored this question.

Dear Karen feeding, my husband, Ethan and I have two kids, Jeremy 6 and Amanda 8. This past weekend, they stayed with my in-laws while my husband and I went out of town to attend my cousin's wedding. While they were gone, they allowed our kids to do something

that has me seething. Now, okay, before I read the second- I hope it's not see them naked. I was going to say, before I read the second paragraph, would either Alex or Felix, would either of you care to hazard a guess what the activity that has the letter writer seething is? Okay.

I think I have a pretty good idea. This is a common thing that happens between families. It is the number one reason that people get estranged from family friends and cousins and uncles. I think that they had their kids shoot a shot for shot remake of the movie Irreversible. Alex, nude Peloton writing, perhaps. I mean, that would have me see a thing.

They probably converted them to something. Yeah, no, yeah, took him to a religious organization or meeting, of which you're not a member. That would have me seething as well. But no, listen to this. My in-laws live close to a beach, and they took the kids parasailing. Parasailing is.

the activity here, but let me just... What is that... I know there's like a parachute thing that you have. Is that like when you go off the cliff or is it like... No, no, it's like... It's like, you go behind a boat and like... Oh, okay. You're up in a parachute and it's like you're like sort of flying, floating behind the boat and, you know,

uh... It's not that dangerous. It says they never cleared this with Ethan and me and I'm flabbergasted that they would exercise such poor judgment. I think his parents have forfeited the right to watch our kids by themselves. To add insult to injury, my husband is siding with them. claiming they did nothing wrong because paracailing was conducted by a professional company and Jeremy and Amanda meet the state's minimum age requirements to paracail with an adult.

Please tell me I'm not overreacting. Signed, Flying no. Flying no, I'm afraid I cannot agree with your demand that I tell you that you're not overreacting. Indeed, you are overreacting. You are insane and the state should take your children away from you because you clearly do not want them having fun at all, ever. Yeah, it seems like something. they should have told you or you should have been able to infer from context, I guess, because aren't they on a lake or something?

If they go to the beach a lot and do that, it seems like that's part of their lifestyle. It seems like they've done it before. Like, I just, I don't think of the parasailing is a particularly dangerous activity. Like, you know,

if they, no, you just, you fall into the water maybe. And that there's a lifeguard right there and like the boat turns around and gets you. Yeah. Like,

you know, if, if, if, if, if I went away for the weekend and my six and eight-year-old kids were taking like base jumping or something by my name was. I mean,

if they don't get hurt. Yeah, I might be a little of concern, but this is just like, I don't know, but here's a thing. I think maybe like there's, there's an unspoken assumption or sort of,

I don't know, there's a hidden layer here. And I'm wondering if the letter writer is actually freaking out because paris sailing is very similar to paragliding, a Hamas-style terrorist activity. And I'm thinking like the associate, here of October 7th. And they're like, basically like the in-laws are

training my kids to be Hamas-style terrorists. And I'm wondering like, that might sound too crazy to put in the letter. But the letter's already insane. So I'm inferring that like I'm imagining this thought entering the mind of the letter writer. I actually, hmm, that is a really

good guess. My mind did hover around there. Frankly, it's a less sad possibility than what we were presented with at face value. did you know that the most common form of child abuse is parents who hate fun? Yeah. Like this fucking worry wart, sad sack, bag of crap.

Yeah, and there's no way you can do it after the fact either. There's no way you can explain that. Like, if the kids had fun and they didn't get hurt, and everybody's fine with it, and then you come home and the mom's like, you should never do that again. That's so dangerous. You could have died, blah, blah, blah. Like, you're never going to win that. Like, you're just going to look crazy.

Even if it is understandable to have that. that fear and be like anxious as a new parent, a new-ish parent, because they're away from you and they're trying new things and like, you're always going to blame yourself if something happens. But, yeah, but like they're not going to understand that until they have their own kids. Right. Yeah. And yeah.

And if they, they do it and it's totally fine and you start freaking out at them and freaking out at the friend and you never see them again. Then when you warn them about like the real stuff they shouldn't do, like, you know, don't smoke PCP. I'm thrown in a suicide vest. Yeah, that's a very good point. Yeah, then they're like, oh, yeah, what? And then I'll have fun, like with parasailing.

Yeah, like, like there's... My mom said, I'm going to eat some guy. By smoking this, I'm going to eat some guy, but she's wrong about everything else. They're getting ready to like spike a vein or whatever. And they're like, ah, this is fine. I remember my mom said I couldn't go parasailing because it was too dangerous. But she's full of shit. Yeah, I mean, the other thing is I'm not apparent, but, um,

I am the child of two parents. And they had a great strategy. My brother and sister, they were by no means had like a strict upbringing. But, you know, like they couldn't watch PG-13 movies until they were 13. Like the classic youngest kid where the parents have given up parenting by the time you come along. Yep.

Because it was like, it was like, you know, clearly they wanted two kids who were like, you know, well accomplished, would get good jobs. They didn't know what was going to happen to me,

to me, because content creation wasn't a career path the time I was born, but they were like, okay, let's do one for fun. And that was me. Yeah. So like,

I suggest this lady do it in reverse. Your kids already ruined by parasailing. They're probably going to die. I mean, in your mind, I don't think that, but you do, the writer of this letter.

So you should have a third kid where you do the reverse of my childhood. he should not watch a rated R movie until he's 37. No legumes, no nuts. You should assume he has every allergy. You should actually try to think like people in the year 1820 did, where you think that if he goes past 50 miles an hour in any type of vehicle or animal, he will die instantly.

So do that. Write these other kids out. They're dead. They're gone. Is there an animal? that can do that? That a human could ride. 50 miles an hour?

No, like, I mean, the chita. Well, you can ride a cheetah. Could you cling to a, like if you were strapped to a cheetah? If you, okay, you could strap to a little bit of a parasailing thing. If you hook the parasarling thing. If you hook the parasar and thing. I would be amazing. Oh, my God.

I would love to let my kids do that. That would be awesome. Oh, that's so cool. That's such a good idea, Alex. I think you could, you could attach a baby. to a cheetah and I think it could achieve upwards of 60 miles an hour. But like past that, it would hurt the cheetah. It's impossible.

If there's anyone in Dubai and you're listening to this, try that. Horace, until the steam engine came along, a horse was the fastest any human being could ever travel, could ever dream of traveling. But, you know, we were blessed to live in a world of, you know, modern technology and transportation. All right. We'll dispense it that one easy.

Lady, you're overreacting. Your husband is in the right. You're in the wrong. All right. This next question, this next question is another sex question, but it's very long. And bear with me here because there's a couple twists and turns in this one. This is like a short story here. So I'm just going to read this one. This is Dear How to Do It? My husband and I are very much in love and have been married for 36 years.

We're both in our early 60s. Through reading many letters from others in this space, I learned that I'm asexual. For over 20 years of our marriage, sex was rare. I love my husband intensely, and he is everything I could desire in a partner. He is incredibly loving, kind, generous, intelligent, successful, and I love his family, too. We have an incredible life together that we both want to keep. However, sex has always been an issue. When we were newly married, no one I knew talked about asexuality, and I had no idea that

my feelings about sex were different than most. Here's the twist. About eight years ago, I was diagnosed with persistent genital arousal disorsel. order. For an asexual person, I felt like I had been hit with a load of bricks. I had no idea what was happening to me. I had no idea what to do with this body I was suddenly in. But I also thought that it would be wonderful for my husband. Finally, with the diagnosis, maybe he'd have a loving wife who is as interested in sex as he is. Unfortunately, it hasn't been the miracle I thought it would be. We are not a great match sexually. We explored swinging, fun. But with PGAD, orgasms are

everything. And unfortunately, I struggle to achieve them. It has been a great match sexually. It has been a great match. challenging for everyone I've played with, and shockingly, I can't even masturbate. I enjoy it. It's pleasurable, but I can't quite get to orgasm, and I end up making myself sore. There are pills I can take that can kill my sex drive, but there are side effects, and we both miss the sexual indismacy. We have tried everything we know to try. I do get some relief from sex with my husband, but it's not the multiple orgasms over multiple days that PGAD requires for relief. However, I have found one way, and this is where things get messy. During our explanation of swinging, we met a gentleman close in age, also married in ethically non-monogamous, who somehow knew almost immediately how to manage my body.

I've been seeing him as time and emotions allow for nearly eight years. Once a quarter, my husband travels for a week, and at those times, I can spend two to three days with this man. I can't tell you how much of a relief it is. It is life-changing. When it is not getting the sex I need, I kind of shut down. I'm really not sure how to phrase it, but I get stupid. I can't remember anything. I get depressed.

I sit and scroll. I use a weighted blanket. My thoughts are scattered. Some of it is ADHD. It goes on like this. It's a woman in her 60s? Yeah, yeah. You didn't get this out of your system earlier?

Yeah. Come get your mom. I, like, obviously, I am, I lost her like 12 diagnoses ago. But I do think it's kind of cool. There's like eight more paragraphs to the. Oh, my God. I do think it is kind of cool that someone this. age is like,

like this is like someone who, um, like those people on Tumblr who drew the Hamilton cast wearing binders. Yeah. Yeah. Thomas Jefferson is a black woman. Yeah. Yeah.

This is like, this is like if I saw a Korean war veteran do like a trick that only Tony Hawk could do. I'd be like, oh, where'd you learn how to do that? That's awesome. I just like, I mean,

it goes on and on. Like basically like the, uh, the crux of the question is about. like the guy she met through swinging that she sees sporadically over the last eight years who can like blow her back out and give her triple digit orgasms. Like she always feels better when she sees this guy. Her husband's starting to feel bad about it.

It just goes on and on. Like this goes on and on like this about like there's got to be a machine that can do it. I mean, is this like a guy in this like there's no way we don't have a machine that can replicate that. Listen, I don't want to pretend I'm a medical doctor. I am not. But I don't think that medically, like if you brought

this to a doctor, he would be like, okay, you know the guy you said who gives you multiple orgasms and you get really giddy about seeing and you're depressed and you can't see him? We measured his dick and it's actually perfect, the perfect

dimensions for someone with your unique condition. And it's nothing about him. No, it's just like look, I don't know if that condition is like a thing or not. I don't, I don't, but also,

but it's like she just clearly loves this guy and doesn't love her husband. You know what I mean? It's like, like there's no, I'm sorry, there's no medical thing where it's like, oh yeah,

um, he just like there's just the right enzymes in his cock that make me come that I don't, my, my husband is missing those enzymes. No, you like him. It seems like like like,

yeah, like, yeah, all the different like self, I don't know, like, I don't know, like, I don't know if a doctor, she has a doctor's note about this.

I'm sorry, like, what is the name of PGAD? She's also asexual. But like, okay, Alex, that's the thing. That's the thing that blew my mind about this. Is it like, okay, she's in her 60s. And she's been reading Dear Prudy columns. And she's like, Discover it's like, oh, a light goes off. I'm asexual.

I don't like, because like, I'm with my husband who I love, but we've never been sexually compatible. So like, now I'm asexual. And then right around that time, she develops the, that where you need to have multiple orgasms every day or you can't think or you get depressed. Yeah, it seems like it's just comparing yourself too. That sounds like the condition called being alive. Maybe not multiple orgasms a day.

But like, yeah, it seems like. Also these questions, they're not very sexy questions. Like the, the woman biting the penis like a bird or biting the fingers like a bird. Yeah. And the guy riding the peloton naked and getting poop on it. Like I kind of feel asexual a little bit. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, what are the chances that you're like, oh, you realize you're asexual. And then you realize you're asexual. You're not into sex so many other people are. And then you develop a condition that requires you to have sex multiple times a day and have triple digit orgasms in order to, like, be able to think. Like, I think there's some overdiagnosis going on here. I just think, like, you never have been sexually compatible with your husband,

even though your relationship works in every other way. Yeah. You started swinging and discovered that you are sexually compatible with other people. and that makes you feel really good. And now, like, obviously that has hurt your husband's feelings. Like, I don't know what are these phony. I don't know. She went to Trump's doctor to get this diagnosis.

Yeah, this is the liberal version of Trump's doctor. Like, I just, like, what is, again, this is another case of, like, what do you want to hear? Oh, well, obviously, you know, the guy who, like, is just purely medical why he makes you come multiple times? Kill him and put his dick on your husband. you love them. Like, why do you want me to say besides your marriage is over? Like, I'm sorry.

It's, I wouldn't want to hear it. Like, it would feel fucking bad, but like, shit. Well, look, I mean, the marriage doesn't necessarily have to be over, but you're not to have a difficult conversation with your husband. And like, you know, maybe, maybe he'll develop a condition where like, you know, he has to, you know, also get laid with another person quite often or else he'll go crazy. Yeah. Yeah.

Send your husband to the doctor. Maybe they're something wrong with... Send your husband to a really sexy doctor. And maybe he'll discover something about himself. Anyway, here's a parenting question. This is... Oh, boy. Dear Karen feeding, there's been a rift between my husband, Brad,

and our nine-year-old son, Wade, since last month. And it culminated with Brad calling Wade, a horrible name. Brad signed Wade up for Little League back in the fall without telling him or me. Wade has never been into sports. He's more of an artsy kid, much to my husband's chagrin. When tryouts came in February, Wade was very upset to learn his dad had signed him up and refused to go. Finally, when Brad threatened to take away Wade's phone, I stepped in and told him that if Wade didn't want to go, that was the end of it. Brad backed down. He's been frosty toward Wade ever since. Our six-year-old daughter is in karate, and last night Brad said

she's the closest thing to a son I'll ever have right within earshot of Wade he ran into his room at which point Brad told me our son is a disappointment and a pussy Wade now says that he hates his dad I've had all about I can stand this is exactly what happened when he tried to convince Wade to play football a year ago

should I insist on family family or is it time to throw in the towel I think it's time to throw your husband into a coffin If that's real that's insane Because, like, how manly is Little League? We're karate. Like, really.

Yeah, Alex, I played a league, and I remember taking Kikewan Go lessons. That she was so zesty. Like, you're putting on a dress, basically. And then you're going like, hi-ya. Like, it's not, there's nothing manly about it. We're playing Little League.

Yeah. And, oh, those kids are so manly. They're so masculine. Do you see that? Yeah. Alex, I played Little League when I was eight, and I was definitely a little pussy like this kid was. Yeah, like I remember playing soccer around that age.

I don't think I was more masculine than anybody else. I don't know. But you know, like, you're, I'm married to a Danny McBrideggerger who isn't funny. No, uh,

this was a teenager is you should kill your husband. This guy. Yeah, honestly. Also saying fuck you to your dad. Yeah. That's kind of masculine. Yeah,

I'm the man of the house. I make the decisions here. Honestly, not you. The father, Brad in this situation, he probably never stood up to his fucking father when he was like making him, you know, do boxing at six years old. You know, we're like, you know, he, you know, his dad made him adopt a dog and then kill it

after a year so he can finally be blooded. It's like he never stood up to his dad. He was a pussy when he was a kid. Now he's fucking being cruel to his son for having his own life and point of view and, you know, personality. So this guy should be killed. That is my answer to this question. Yeah.

He's getting bossed around by his own kid. Maybe he's trying to goad the kid into killing him to make him a man. Yeah. But yeah. I need to butcher my son up by having to play Little League at eight years old. Yeah. It's too. Like they're basically just, they're screwing around.

Like, Little League at eight years old. Like, it's like, that's like T-ball. Like, they don't even pitch the kids at that age. They're mostly just talking about Pokemon. And then once in a while, you're up to bat and then you go back and talk about Pokemon. Yeah, exactly. They don't actually care. Yeah, you're just drinking, eating Oreos and drinking Sunny D while you're fucking sitting in the dugout.

You're like, you're the 25th hitter in the lineup where you go where you go out to play left or center field. Like look at your glove and sit on the grass. At that, like, at that age, that is like being like, oh, I wish my son was into hide and seek, but he's really violent. Calling your eight-year-old son of pussy is crazy work. That is crazy. Yeah. I mean, another thing, it's like, there is like not really a difference between an eight-year-old boy and an eight-year-old girl.

No. And in fact, you should dress, you should dress all boys as girls until they go through puberty. We won wars when we did that to our generals in her childhood. Now look what happens. Douglas MacArthur. We will return. I will return. I will come again

That's what he said He said I'm asexual But I need to come all the time Yeah he had that exact same condition He wrote about it It was weird General Patton also suffered from PGAD Someone should have slapped him

A real disease dude You're just horny Fuck you Yeah I was like When I was reading that last question It was like, I started going over, this woman diagnoses herself as asexual and then discovers she's horny. And she's like, oh, that's another medical condition I have.

It's like, yeah. Yeah, I think she was just Christian or something. It's like, you're 60, like, you're 60 plus at this point. You should be familiar with what's going on. Just give it a rest. All right. Here's another, here's another sex question that I really enjoyed. I thought this one was kind of sweet.

This is, dear, how to do it. My wife recently surprised. me by sharing a dream to have sex outdoors with no cover, specifically on a forest hike or in the open desert of our western state. She wants to feel the sunlight while making love, and since I've long wanted the same, I was all in. We're in our late 40s, and our sex lives have never been better. The problem is that finding that perfect place has been a logistical comedy of errors. For obvious reasons, we don't want to be seen, but everywhere we go, we run into people. We've had successful nighttime test runs in our backyard, but daytime with privacy walls is impossible because we live

near a small airport with planes constantly over there. What's the point then? Why do you want to do this so bad? We've traveled to incredibly remote locations, yet we always seem to encounter mountain bikers, hikers, or others. Once in the remote desert, a random drone flew over and hovered 100 feet above us. Another time we wandered off trail, only to find a trail camera pointed right at our blanket. Our most recent attempts, miles from a road and a super remote canyon in a desert between Utah and Nevada failed when a group of rock hounders round to the corner looking for rare gemstone. I think you're just not going far out of it.

I think we're going like 10 feet from the trail and then there are places in America, especially in the West where you can not run into people. They live in the middle of a national, they live in the middle of a national park in Utah. We just can't find a place without people. Also, if I went, if I went by that, I wouldn't say anything. I wouldn't do anything. Like, if I was riding my bike and you saw that in the corner of your eye in the woods,

you'd be like, oh. I wouldn't like run up to him, be like, what are you doing? What are you doing? You can't do this. Well, these moments have led to some awkward laughs. my wife has lost interest. If you're a taxpayer, they should let you have sex in our...

Absolutely. Absolutely. I'm not in like the rest areas, but like just, I don't care if you get like, I just, I am really, this is the only thing

I am like an immigration hard blind. If a fucking foreigner comes here and starts fucking in our national parks, that's right. Kill them. They can have sex anywhere. And you know, by the way,

the Trump administration just opened up like most of what's left of untouched nature in this country to logging. So get in a while you can. Because pretty soon there's going to be nowhere to fuck outdoors without like a fucking, you know, like a 15 guys with chainsaws coming on top of you, you know? And that's no fun.

It says, well, these moments have led to some awkward laughs. My wife has lost interest because now she's certain someone will always see us. I'm sure there must be a place where we can be frisky and free. But if she doesn't feel comfortable and secure, it's not truly a shared adventure. How can we find a truly private spot?

And how do I navigate this without making her feel pressured? Do you mean to ask a map, you stupid asshole? It's like, maybe like get a bunch of TVs and put up nature documentaries or something. Or just do it inside. Like the Ken Burns Wild West documentary. Yeah, yeah, that's a good one. No, I'm sorry. He's writing to Dear Prudy and he's like, what are some good uninhabited counties to fuck my wife?

like this is not a geography column you fucking idiot I don't know like I oh god like you know how many abandoned silver mines there are probably a stone's throw from their house but you know I think about this and it's like I don't want to be like to get

to get too dedicated to finding a place without people because like you know they could get away from the trail markers and then find themselves in a desert and like have no idea where they came from and it'll be like that Gus Van Zand movie Jerry with Matt Damon and Casey Affleck where those guys get lost to the desert and just walk around you know like the point is like it should not be that hard to find a secluded place in a national park

or somewhere outdoors to have sex without people seeing you but what I will say is that if this is you and your wife's fantasy to have sex outdoors like you know having the sun kiss your buttox as you make love in public the thing the thing you got it under I think the thing you have to like accept or bake into this is like it's kind of hard to have this sexual interest without the attendant sort of secret wish that someone would watch you or come across you. Because like part of like part of the the thrill of having sex in public is the idea that you could be found out. So I think it's kind of hard to do this and be and be sort of a little bit prudish about like, oh, what if someone finds me? You got to be like, hmm, what if someone

finds me, you know? Yeah, and they kind of did find him and nothing happened. They were just in the distance. The drone was hilarious. 200 feet away. The drone is like, that's just like someone who's like cruising like you know just sort of like hovering above national parks being like if I can find someone fucking and now that person is currently uh working for hesbala blowing up mercava tanks you know practice makes perfect oh man yeah imagine imagine imagine seeing that little logo in the corner of uh you're getting your stroke on and then a red triangle appears above your head and you're like what the fuck had a lot of those has well videos were um yeah you're seen through the secret head, they are hitting guys

in the junk too. Good videos by Hezbole, by the way. Shout out to them. I hope they're joining Patreon soon. I guess just another sex question to close things out. This is I am a queer woman in my mid-20s

and my partner is a straight guy in his mid to late 30s. We've been together for nearly two years and have a pretty good sex life, four to six times a week. We're both poly but have been mostly monogamous. We've developed a standard sexual routine, and he usually gets me off with his fingers. He's clearly committed to getting me off, though I sense it's more of an obligation than

something he enjoys. When we first started hooking up, he mentioned he wasn't very into giving oral, which he doesn't remember saying. That's fine. I was still coming, and I enjoyed giving it enough for both of us. But after 18 months with only one steady partner, I've been craving it lately and talk to him about incorporating it more into our sex life. He tried it maybe three times in the last month, and I've had some really wonderful

orgasms from this. But the problem is he makes it such an ordeal to the point where I can't fully enjoy myself and even feel a bit of guilt or shame like I'm making him do something he isn't into. For example, prep time for him going down on me means I have to take no less than two showers, one early makeout and one right before him going down. We have to rearrange the bed so he can get in the position he prefers and put a towel down on the bed. He acts very unenthusiastic and gives off a very distinct, this is gross vibes. And face it, Pretty much the second I finish coming, he immediately runs straight to the bathroom to clean up. It leaves me feeling gross and embarrassed.

It makes a difference. He has diagnosed OCD, which is mostly treated, but it can be a bit of a germaphobe, which adds me to this feeling that like I'm unhygienic or icky. I am not. I am normally cleaner than he is. I've never had this issue with a partner before, and I'm used to folks who love eating pussy. As do I. I definitely don't want to find another partner who, I definitely want to find another partner who enjoys conolingus, but that's a hard perk to advertise for. I kind of wish he could approach eating pussy like I approach sucking dick.

Just take a mouthful every now and then because it's fun and makes your partner feel good. Any advice on how to address this? My advice for how to address this is once again, a pine box and the ground for your partner. No, maybe that's going too far. But like, you should not have to take two separate showers. Man or woman. Man or woman here. Maybe do it in the shower.

That's one. This attitude, like, for man or woman, fallatio or cunulingus, whatever, variation on this or whatever sort of orientation of partners, I just think that like, if oral sex is something you're into and your partner isn't and only does it as a sort of a begrudging chore and then acts like it's gross. And then like I said, you have to take two different fucking showers. And then like as soon as they're done, they run to the bathroom and just like immediately start like brushing their teeth or gargling with listening.

mean, I would rather just not have sex. I would rather forego it entirely, if that's the case. So this is a problem. And like, I, you know, if this is what you're into, like, this is, this is not sustainable. This is not sustainable. And I have. And, you know, she says, she says, she says here, it's, it's hard to, it's a hard perk to advertise for it to find another partner who enjoys Klonelangus. No, it's not. That's, that's a pretty easy perk to advertise for if that's what you're right, Joe. Again, just have a machine do it. I'm sure there's a machine that can do it. With all the new technology we have, there's no way there isn't a machine that can, they can, you know, tongue your stuff better than that guy. And you can clean it whenever you want. Like, if you don't want to clean it, you don't have to clean it.

It's not my problem. What machine does that? They got something in Japan now, I'm sure. That's like top of the line. I thought that it turned out that that woman's kids also is. her pussy during their fun weekend. And he was mad because, like, there was a pussy eating supervisor there and they're old enough. But, yeah. I think that couple should try doing it in, in the woods in Utah. Is that way there's no shallow?

There's nowhere the guy can run off to other than, like, the river. I don't know. I just like the guy running away to wash his mouth in the river. I think you scrubbing his tongue with a pine cone and licking the dirt I just like I don't understand like

if you find your part in other people's genitals like just so gross like why even have sex at all? Why even borrow? It's just like this it's just baffling to me. Yeah,

they should just say this stuff to each other. Yeah, that is the other thing. Again, this would be kind of an interesting column if the response was like, he's right. I look for pussy. You can smell that shit from here. It's gross.

I can already tell, listen, I don't know you, but I can tell you things. Sock. I've been, I've been responding to letters that they're pretty long enough

to know when someone's pussy steak, okay? And it sounds like yours is humming. P. You, lady. Look, yuck. But yeah,

like, what is the answer here besides, like, I don't know, like tell him that. Yeah. You know? Yeah, you should say that to him. You should say, stop doing this. You don't like it. Stop. All right. Let's do one more. I like, I like this one too. This is a parenting question.

Dear Karen feeding, I have a 16-year-old daughter, Katrina. Katrina likes to read, albeit mostly romantasy. And now she's writing her own romantasy novel. She asked me to be kind of a beta reader for it. And I agreed. What I've read has troubled me. The basic premise is that the two lead characters, Sloan and Ulysses, wake up together with amnesia. Sloan has lost the last 24 hours. Ulysses has no conscious memory at all. They then spend the story trying to recover their memories and absent-mindedly flirting when they're not focused on the task at hand. They do eventually get their memories back and discover that there was no weird thing pushing them together

that they had just met and the sparks flew, just as they did even when they couldn't remember how they'd met. and we're in detective mode. It's a sweet enough story, if a little silly and reliant on literal magic to make the plot work. Gee, sorry, ladies. It's a child, right? Yeah, yeah, it goes,

sorry the plot had to rely on magic to make sense. But I had a major problem with it, namely that Sloan wakes up with a day sliced out of her memory and in bed naked with a total stranger. She then immediately starts trying to comfort him when she finds his memory is even worse the shape than hers. She completely trust him when she should be treating him

as the most likely cause of her predicament. She should keep her distance from him. That instead, she joins his forces with him while flirting with him and sends a message to women to trust random creeps in odd circumstances. I told Katrina this. I told her that it's a serious problem and that she really needs to rethink for the book. She just rolled her eyes at me and said,

I was way overreacting. Besides, Ulysses is a good guy, she said. you can see throughout the whole story. I don't know how I can get her to understand that this is a book with a very bad message. One that could do a lot of harm if someone read it and took it to heart. I just need a way to get through to her.

Signed, make her see it. Okay. I'm just going to read the good version of that. Where she's like, you're a threat to me. I'm leaving. The story ends very. It's a great romance. Yeah.

That book is just called like the assault. And it's four pages long. Like, what the worst? morning of my life. Yeah. I would just be like, this one baffled and offended me because like,

okay, you have a daughter, she's 16 years old. She's reading books for fun on her own. Not only that, she's chosen to start writing a book herself within the genre

that she is most sort of into. And not only that, I will say as a like, you know, I don't know, Delta reader of this story, the way that the plot

has been described. This, like the plot to the book that she's describing is actually quite good and compelling for a 16 year old to come up with. Yeah. I was like, she's reading the description of what like Sloan and Ulysses and the kind of like the kind of romantic detective story of one person who's missing 24 hours and the other person who has no memory at all. And they kind of like have to help each other but like flirt all in the same time.

I was like, that seems like a fucking good story. I would be like, I would be like, and rather than being like, I don't know, bragging that your 16 year old daughter is this like, you know, intelligence. and gifted. You're just being like, this romantician novel sends a bad message to women because like,

oh, if I, you know, in a magic universe, if you wake up next to some guy, you should immediately be like, oh, like,

he's evil. Like, this is a more man bashing from the fucking letter writers here, and I'm not going to stand for it. Are you sure that this is your kid? Because you said, too great,

if you're for your dumb, dumb, ass. How does your fucking stupid ass watch movies or read? Were you reading her good night moon? And you were like, Oh, you should, you should know that the moon isn't actually a guy. He can't hear you.

It doesn't go to bed. It's just on the other side. Literally. You completely literally minded asshole. Oh my. Like, I just like, it's also just like, oh, should I be platforming my daughter? Also, why would you read that? I have a leader.

I've either just say, I'm not going to read this. I'm not going to read my kids' romantasy stories. Okay. or just say, yeah, I'll proof read it for you, and then you just don't read it because that's weird. I don't want to read it. Here's the other thing. When she says it sends a bad message, like there could be really bad outcomes if this happens. Okay, I'm just going to say if somebody rapes someone because they read a book by a 16-year-old girl,

a romantic shirt story by a 16-year-old girl that takes place in a magic universe. And they're like, oh, I know what to do now. I think that anything was going to cause them to do that. I think they were just going to do that. I don't think like that's that's kind of a fucking insane thing to put on your 16 year old daughter. Yeah. Don't put this out because it says one of the worst things that could ever happen to someone will probably happen and it will be your fault. Lady, lady, here's a literary device for you.

Buy a gun and kill yourself. It's just like the way he responds. to every letter writer. It's just telling them to kill someone or themselves. But like, this makes me furious because this is a kid who wants they're apparent to be interested in like

something they care about and like they're doing like not for school. They're like on their own like pursuing a creative endeavor and like seems like they're doing a pretty good job of it. And rather than be like, oh, this is a universe where magic exists. And then by the way, that the mom was just like, well the plot's a bit contrived.

You know, like it hinges on magic. everything. It's just like she's 16 years old and it's like a romantic fantasy genre. That's like the conventions of and it's like it's all like that. It's all weird borderline stuff. Like yeah and it's just like kidnaps you or like the man in uniform or the the outlaw from the wild west or whatever. Like that's just, that's all of it. And it's just like rather than be rather than encourage this interest and like, you know, and, you know, give some, you know, positive feedback or constructive criticism. You've just invented this whole fucking ridiculous, like, oh, my daughter is, if my 16-year-old daughter's story ever gets published is going to be very problematic to, like, the message it sends to young people.

It's just like, you know how fucking lucky you are to have a fucking kid who, like, reads books and is interested in writing their own stories? And you're snuffing it out with this, like, puritanical nonsense. Oh, disgusting. I hate this woman. Yeah, the thing about her, like, shitting on the plot, which, like, by the way, I wonder, I wonder if this mom had. dashed ambitions of being a writer

I never got to film It is like if you had Like a 7 year old son Who like drew you a picture And you were like You fucking idiot Superman and Darth Vader don't know each other The son doesn't have a face on it

Did you even clear this with Disney Fucking asshole Oh Well Bad parents out there Well I hope you have enjoyed. I hope you've been edified by our advice.

I hope you've enjoyed our advice on, you know, jobs, relationships, and children from people like who don't have, you know, any of those things. I've never had sex. I don't have kids. And I've never had a job. So I hope you enjoyed my advice on all things related to, you know, adult human life.

Yeah. If you follow our advice and you're not one of the people we told instructed to die. And you do die. we are sorry, are bad. I'm still thinking about the Peloton guy. He's dog sitting and he decides to ride the Peloton nude. Well, maybe he was trying to make the dog feel like more comfortable because the dog is naked.

You're right. It's true. We don't know. Maybe they have a jacket or something. Yeah, true. And that's one of those like service dog like, you know, sort of capes on it. Oh, I hate those. So it looks so khaki.

Yeah. Yeah, they should be dog sitting themselves. Get a job. Yeah, it's like, do you have a job or not? What the fuck? Yeah. All right, let's wrap it up for there. Let's close it out for today.

Alex, thanks so much for joining us. Always a pleasure. Thanks for having me. Fortune Kit, W-FYM. Check it out. Yeah, Fortune Kit, FyM. We'll have links in the show description if you want more Alex in your life. But I think that does it for us. unless we have any business conduct at the end of the show.

All right. That does it for today. I hope you enjoyed our advice, and I hope it will continue to guide you through this avail of tears. We'll be back later in the week. Bye-bye. Bye.