Chapo Trap House - 294 - CPAC: Judgment Days (3/4/19)

Episode Date: March 4, 2019

Our report on CPAC 2019.

When there's no more room in hell, the dead will walk here. They want to take away your hamburgers. This is what Stalin dreaded about, but never achieved. I was right in the middle of a fucking reptile zoo. Somebody was giving boost to these goddamn things. So everybody's having a good time. I'm glad that we're all having fun. You know what I like about this? Number one, I'm in love. And we're in love. We're all in love together. We've done something that nobody's ever done. Man, that put his soul at hazard. You'd have to say okay. I'll be part of this world. Alright, well, I'm not quite sure how to keep this off. We are back from Washington, DC.

We have such sights to show you. From our sojourn among the swine at CPAC, I finally got a good night's sleep last night. I feel renewed, but dear listener, I'm going to try to communicate to you how much I was physically and spiritually ravaged by this experience at the Gaylord Convention Center in National Harbor. When I got off the train to Penn Station, I just realized how much it felt like my entire body had been in a rock tumbler. I feel great. Listener, I no longer fear death because I've been to hell. Am I literally the only one who doesn't feel like they were killed this weekend? I felt like I had been was killed several times.

I mean, it's a combination of both what we saw and listened to, but also just a general travel of eating like shit and drinking too much and not sleeping. I pulled the ripcord halfway through, but if I'd stayed, I'd be in pretty dire straits right now. You pulled the ripcord and stuck the plunger in the toilet and left the toilet. What? You pulled the ripcord, but you left the plunger in the toilet. Yeah. Yeah, that's where you leave it. No, no, no, that's not where you leave it.

No, you leave it in the toilet because it's dirty after you plunge it. And the water is from the toilet. Clean it, cleanse it. But then someone takes it out. Well, first of all, like it's an Airbnb. Fuck that place. Just put it on the floor. Not so much like when I go to use the bathroom, there's just a plunger sticking out of the toilet like a fucking Looney Tunes.

Do you think it's funny that Will went to sit down and then he sat down on it and he levitated in the air for three entire seconds, holding his asshole and going, ouch, and then sprinted midair. His legs, you know, spinning around almost like a race car revving up, ran through a wall, leaving an outline in the exact shape of his body that he ran through there and then stomped on his hat. Do you think that's funny? Whenever I use toilet brush or plunger, it gets dirty after you use it. So you leave it in the tank and then you flush it a few times so that it's clean. You could have done that.

Yeah. Well, I had to go. I had to catch a cab. Yeah. Good time management. Very convenient. We're going to let you all know about CPAC, but first of all, this is just an intervention. Virgil, you use too much toilet paper. No.

Like you use every... Virgil, no. It's not your doodoo that clogs all these toilets. It's your profligate, insane use of toilet paper. Green New Deal, you're canceled. You have to stop. Virgil, you're like a grown ass man who still wipes his ass. You're not supposed to wipe your ass.

Well, what do you... It's like washing your hair. Do you wash your hair every day? Wait. Yeah? No, you're not supposed to do that either. You literally... Dude, you're not...

Wait, wait, wait. Is this what the Green New Deal is? They're taking our toilet paper too when they let you do our hamburgers. You want to know why I have such like a... They're going to take away your toilet paper. Your butt would be caked with doodoo. This is what Stalin dreamed of. What's some fucking...

You won't be able to pawn the brown area, Tate. Some fucking guy from the Daily Caller named Caleb Sneason in the ladies restroom in the U.S. House of Representatives and just snaps a little pic of AOC's... Using tampons. Using toilet paper. Toilet paper, yeah. Okay. Sorry, slight digression.

We went to CPAC. We finally did it. We went to CPAC. And I got to say, it really, for me, just sort of vividly brought to life so many of both the jokes, conversations, and ideas that we have talked about on this show over the last two years and in the book. But it brought it to life in a really visceral and vivid way. And honestly, this is going to be a long one.

We are really going to try to do our best to recreate for you, dear listener, every single vivid detail of this experience, which of course culminated with seeing our big wet boy Donald Trump take the stage. We were in the same room as the great man himself on Saturday. And we're going to take you, we're going to get you there to Trump. But I have to say that the big takeaway, the big theme for me is, and this is something we've talked about on the show a lot, and mind a great deal of humor from, is the ongoing fraud that the conservative movement is drawing from any intellectual tradition or is about

communicating ideas, morality, truth, philosophy, or any of that horseshit. Because really, it was, I know I knew this, but it was just never really more viscerally true and apparent to me than seeing all the people pitching their books, their fucking booths themselves, all pitching the same line of bullshit about the conservatism and our great republic. And then it's just all leading to seeing Donald Trump take that stage to thunderous, rapturous applause of all of these swine and just basically farted out his syphilitic brain through his ears on stage for two hours to the just hooting, banging applause.

They loved it. They loved it. They loved it. And like, they're all pretending and probably some even believing that this political movement represents anything other than just like the death drive of our civilization. And there was Trump on stage and it was all there. It was all there in front of us. He was sundowning before noon and they loved it because it makes the lips real mad and

they have power. And that's all that matters. He's the just too apt a symbol of the conservative movement because you can watch him decay in real time. Yeah. He was up there. He was sweaty and glistening and orange and round and making all these horrifying facial expressions and they're just slap, clapping like seals the whole time.

They loved it. You know, we loved it too. We loved it. So before we get into it, you mentioned Trump sundowning before we get into it. We got there on Wednesday night and then we were there on Thursday, we took a day off on Friday because it was just too much. And then we were back on Saturday to see Trump. You mentioned sundowning.

I want to give a brief shout out to Wednesday night. We randomly went to the same bar as the activists from the sunrise movement. The people would organize the sit-in at Pelosi's office and the Diane Fine scene when she told that nine-year-old girl to go fuck herself, basically. They're the ones who pulled the jackboots onto the tot's legs. So I want to give a shout out to them. They were very nice and it was like a weird sort of like, we took the pallet cleanser before we ate a mouthful of shit, which is like usually the wrong thing to do.

That was dessert first. Yeah. You know, by the way, if the video of our meeting with the sunrise movement ever emerges, do not trust it. Wait for the full video to come out. And again, like, and also just this reality of on Sunday, when we were seeing Trump was the same time 13,000 people were in our borough of we're back at home in Brooklyn at Brooklyn College to come out for Bernie's like, you know, sort of campaign announcement.

And just the competing visions of those two things could not be more stark from like the, you know, where we were versus what was going on back, back home in our own backyard. Yeah. It felt very forsaken. So I don't know, where do you want to begin? Okay. How about this? CPEC takes place at this gigantic hotel and convention center in National Harbor, Maryland.

It's about a half hour drive from like DC proper. It's like not that far away, but it's literally at the Gaylord Convention Center. Gaylord Convention Center. How is that okay? It's 2019. And before we get into CPEC, it bears discussing a little bit about the place it was held in. I'm talking about National Harbor, Maryland, which is honestly one of the weirdest, most bizarre places I've ever been to.

National Harbor is like the real version of what 2019 America would be like if the Third Reich had won. Yeah. That's actually what it wouldn't look like. Man in the high castle would just look like that. It would look like a German approximating what America is supposed to look like. There are like, there are these weird fucking life sized statues. They were a famous people.

It was Louis Armstrong. There was the VJ days kiss statue. It was a classic mid-century Americana, and it was just this sterile development with all these wrestlers. They might as well have just said Irish pub. That was literally the name of the place. There was the Irish pub called the Irish Whisper, and it was just like the weirdest, most like Airzatz version of American culture.

I described it as like, if the Chinese government created an America style village in the middle of the Gobi Desert, this is what it would feel like. But then I was thinking about it more, and I really thought what it actually feels like is you're driving on a road late at night. You see strange lights in the sky. All of a sudden, it's blinding, and you just sort of like pass out, and then you wake up in National Harbor, Maryland, and it's just sort of deserted, and there are restaurants advertising casual cocktails and comfortable food, and then like a piano restaurant called

Billy McKee's, and then a place called Cadillac Ranch, and it's just sort of weird and empty, and then you realize that you've been placed in a human terrarium for like an alien zoo, and like this is what aliens have engineered is like a human style environment that you can live in. It can't be stressed enough the off nature of the attempts to be relatable, because yes, there wasn't awning on one of the bars that said they were serving comfortable food, and inside the Gaylord Convention Center itself, they had a big sports bar that was called National Pastime.

So in Germany, I believe, there is this very small city with, you know, shops and restaurants and stuff, but they're all fake, and it's for the benefit of people with Alzheimer's, and that is exactly what this reminded me of, and that makes it the perfect place for CPAC. Absolutely, because you got to see the real ideology, the only true ideology that was on display there, which is that it's cool and awesome and actually good if everyone else on Earth drowns to death to perturb this. This is worth the death of the rest of the human species and all other species.

Okay, so then like the Gaylord Convention Center itself, already surreal, already bizarre, we get there Thursday morning, you know, not too early. I mean, these are all conservative freaks, so like everything starts at like seven o'clock and ends at four. So first day, you walk in there, Matt, you were our sort of psycho knot on this. You were our Hunter S. Thompson. We had a plan to all do acid at CPAC, and you know, going into Thursday, I was sort of on the fence about it, I was like, I don't know, I mean, we did it at Ozzy Fest, obviously,

you and I and Jamie, but Ozzy Fest, you know, it was in Central Park, it was outdoors, didn't have quite the same feeling of, you know, claustrophobic menace and terror, not to mention the crowd was, you know, funny, but not nearly as terrifying as this. Fucking mutated. Yeah. So you did it. Yeah, I did it. You dropped a tab at CPAC, like walking in the door.

I was on the fence about it. As soon as I walked into the Gaylord Convention Center, I told you, I was like, Matt, I'm sorry, I just don't have the fortitude for this. I do not have the constitution to have a psychedelic experience at CPAC. And you know what? You guys probably made the right decision. It was very, very intense, I will say that, but I do feel like I get, I get things now that I'd only previously ever read about.

So we walk in after a brief press registration, we got our lanyards, and by we, I don't mean Virgil because he was still asleep and you showed up around three or four o'clock. That's sort of like two, two, okay. So after our registration, we got our lanyards. We then headed to the Exhibitor's Hall. Yeah. This is the first thing we did. This was like, this is the big, like, you know, it's the lowest floor and sorry, one

more thing about the Gaylord Convention Center, it's like all built around this, just massive atrium. This is huge, like arched, like glass dome that covers about like this open space of like, it's, I don't know, about like eight or nine stories of hotel blocks. And then like all just like looking out over the harbor itself. And then at the very bottom of it, they create this kind of like fake village under this glass dome that again, again, just contributing to the kind of weird artificiality and kind of fake, pleasant Americana, like you said, sort of like something for people with Alzheimer's

to like make them feel comfortable as they die or something. Yeah. Comfortable food. Yeah. And how is the food that tasted fine was a little uncomfortable. But I just want to say this isn't a joke we're making. That's literally one of the signs we saw on the side of a restaurant. We have pictures.

Oh, I have pictures of casual cocktails, comfortable food. I hate those formal cocktails. That's what was being advertised. There was also a store that I popped into called America. It's the name of the store. There's a few of these. There's one in the train station. I'm pretty sure there's one in the airport.

I did. It's like, it's like a gift store for like politics. You know, like, like if you're in New York and it's like the sports store and like half of it is Yankees. Half of it is Mets. Yeah. It's like this, but for Democrats and Republicans. Yes.

Yes. And there are shirts that are like, you're fired, sir. And then there are shirts that like make America great. Trump is my president bullshit. There was one display that was for the ladies. You know, that was like, here's a book of inspirational quotes from historical women and a t-shirt with a Margaret Thatcher quote on it. I did get a souvenir from Marty and if you guys see it, I got a refrigerator magnet that

says my cat is a Democrat. Oh, I would have gotten that if I saw it. Okay. So the Exhibitor Hall. This is like the, this is very much like every other kind of sort of convention I've ever been to where it's like a big hall and everyone has like the Exhibitor Booths. And everyone there, you know, is like pitching some weird thing and then there's book signings in the back.

But this is all of like the little, you know, no jewels of the conservative movement or all day. They want to have a presence there. They're handing out their literature, you know, they're, they're, they're selling you their, their thing. Yeah. They're the guys who are selling inflatable fuck dolls at CES during the AVN Awards. Yeah.

This was the AVN Awards, but for conservative political thought. For the real freaks. Yeah. The real mutants. Just, okay. Here's a few of the, a few of the things we saw. My personal favorite was a giant booth for, for a group called Domestic Uranium Now. This is a group that wanted Domestic Uranium for national security, didn't investigate

further. I just liked the name. Yeah. Yeah. No, we're supporters. Of course. I'm sick of all that foreign uranium. I'm a style one for English when I'm getting uranium.

As soon as I realized that you couldn't just go up and get a hunk of uranium from them, I lost interest. Just a little sliver to take home. What the hell? Next up, there was a, a group, and this maybe is the best one called the CO2 coalition. Yeah. That was the most black fucking pill thing I have ever seen in my life. You can fuck off with your live links, ISIS, torture videos or Elliot Roger memes.

This is a bunch of people. And this is a direct quote from the, it was totally bootleg. It was just a sign that said, see a CO2 coalition, then they had two little signs. It looked like a science fair project. And one of the signs said CO2 coalition is a new and independent nonprofit organization. Our goal is to explain how our lives and our planet earth will be improved by additional atmospheric carbon dioxide, whether from natural sources or human activities. And then the other one they had is a, is even more boot jack.

It's a bunch of pictures of clip art of food, like spaghetti and a cow. And it says CO2, it's what's for dinner. So I'm just hoping that those guys, when they, when they unwind after the end of the day, they turn on their car and they just put their mouth over the fucking tailpipe. But yeah, that's the most black shit pill thing I've ever seen in my life. That's like, yeah, killing everyone is actually cool. It's great. Let's do it.

Behold the power of CO2. No, they should have had like, they should have had like an exhibit where you can actually get in a car with a fucking hose going from its tailpipe into the passenger side window and just sit in it for a couple of hours. Oh, you may have seen the picture of me, Matt and Felix. We were draped up in our landyards and standing in front of a gigantic mural of Donald Trump where it's just his face, the planet earth and an eagle. Yeah.

Yeah. You may, you may, you may remember that photo, but that painting itself was just like pure outsider art. Yeah. No, that was very cool. They got off of like the side of a barn in Kansas. The Constitution Party was there. Felix, you enjoyed that.

Yeah, but like no one really went there because there's like no reason for the Constitution Party to, they have nothing to really primary challenge against. I mean, they have, they have like different beliefs than Trump because Trump's are like ever changing and, you know, have a lot of, have a lot, he has a lot more of a position of vanity fair than the Constitution Party ever did. But I mean, it did, it did betray one thing that this is a more interesting event in years where a Democrat is in the White House. This was, I think this was a sociologically interesting event because we got to see all

the people who like, you always theorize about this type of person, the type of person who's just, you know, just like, Charlie Kirk is a savage. Like that type of guy. No, we saw all of them. Right. All those people were there. So it was sociologically interesting. I'd say out of every talk we saw two and a half were very interesting, but the Constitution

Party being there made me want to see it CPAC when it's factionalist. I had this, when we, every other like big political function I've gone to, I felt this like just a general baseline of illness because it's true that everyone who's involved in politics is just a fucking maniac. Yeah. Can't do anything else in their life. They have no other. They have no other talents or abilities.

We're proof enough of that. Yeah. They, yeah, they need the approval of masses of people because yeah, no, they have a shitty narcissist personality, but. My ears are burning. This, there is a worse baseline here than any other thing I've ever been. Oh yeah. Well, the thing is.

It felt worse. They stood into it. They're bracing it. They sort of, they love it now and they don't have to hide it. Okay, do you remember, I don't want to spoil this whole event, but the thing where Don Jr. was talking, he's like, if you're at a party and you say your beliefs and everyone hates the shit out of you, that's brave. It's brave that no one fucking likes you.

Yeah. Yeah. That was one of the big themes of CPAC and of, you know, the conservative movement. In general, we've talked about how basically their main animating issue now is like their mentions and being able to post, but it's also that they are aware that they are hated loathe by most people and that's also kind of a form of oppression to them and they want to underscore that. Yeah.

You know, if anything we've done, as you might imagine, the ambience just sort of grimness and menace going on, not like menace, and then I felt like physically afraid or anything. I mean, I did, but that was, there's a specific. Well, yeah. You were on your trip in Paul's. So, yeah. That's why I didn't do LSD. To me, it wasn't me.

It was more just like, no one makes you more uncomfortable than a salesman, like a really over eager salesman. And it felt like, it felt like I was surrounded by salesmen, but they weren't trying to sell me any specific thing. They were just trying to sell the idea that they loved their lives. And I know they don't. Well, I know they don't because they have to do like every, everything that was supposed to be fun was just, it was just like, oh, what if AOC saw me do this?

Yeah. It just, yeah. No. Pure performance. It's pure. It's pure. Pure place. Any sort of natural interplay between, you know, enjoyment, like generating, generating

pleasure in life through, through organic means. It's just, what if the Lib saw me doing this? They would hate it. I love that. It's just pure spite, spite rules. Spite is the only energy that, that powers. Yeah. Can we talk about that video of Don Jr. and Jerry Falwell and like whatever other juniors

were on the panel? Cause I think that's the, it's the most emblematic at this. Yeah. We see this live. This is one of the things that we saw. Oh, I saw, I saw this when I got back yesterday and it fucking broke me for the entire, it broke me more than anything actually being there. Describe the, describe the, uh, it was like a panel on the main stage.

We drink Don Jr, Jerry Falwell Jr. and then two other like, Right. Like Jerry Falwell, Mrs. Jerry Falwell, Jr., Jr., wife, Jr. and some other fucking. I think it was, was Mercedes Schlapp there? I don't think so. It was someone who looks like Mercedes Schlapp. Yeah. And her wonderful brother, fucking Craig Plop and, and fucking Gershin Lapp.

Just all the people with the most unappealing names, but other games are on them on a Pia's. Yeah. Yeah. But the sound that was made when they were born. Yeah. So ball slapping in a toilet. So they're all, they're all on stage and, uh, Mrs. Jerry Falwell Jr. is like, and we're going to have our granddaughter and we're going to name, name her Reagan is that, isn't

that presidential and Don Jr. they're all like, they all seem just like, they all seem like they just have been hung over in a sleeping bag for an entire day, except Don Jr. who seems very geared up because I think that he thinks that his dad is going to watch this panel and just be amazed by his riffing ability. And he's like, what if you name a Trump? Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah.

Name a Trump. Like he's so, it's almost like before he went on, uh, someone was like, we're going to, we're, we're going to kill one randomly selected member of your family if you don't elicit a laugh from this crowd and he's like, huh, no problem for me. No, like, and then one of the women starts going off on some gender stuff. She's like, God gets to decide your gender and we're, we get this, you know, you don't get to decide. Like we're right.

We're raising our daughter's daughter. We've got dolls and then Jerry Fallwell Jr. goes, my boys, my boys had a gun in their hand since there was, since they could walk. And then Don Jr. just goes, hashtag me too. God makes the choice of what the babies are going to be and God decided she would be a girl. You don't have to raise them as a girl. She's just got a little baby doll right under her arm every second and when my boys always

have guns in their hands. So we didn't, that's not something. Hashtag me too. Yeah. Can we talk about Jerry? Yeah. That was an amazing panel because it was the perfect, like Jerry Fallwell Sr. and Donald Trump Sr. like obviously both huge pieces of shit, but they have like some force of

personality and sort of Schwadiviv where like even Jerry Fallwell, when he was like, you know, I think the, I think Spyro the dragon is a transsexual, like millions of people were like, yes sir. But Jerry for all Jerry Fallwell Jr. has is that name. But when you put him on stage, it's just like, he's just a fucking lump of wet clay. There is nothing going on there. Like his, his riff on gender, yeah, my son's been playing with dolls and my daughter, my daughter picked up a gun, he's a good Barbie gun, yeah, I would use this to assume my gender.

I like to see AOC come to this, come to McDonald's and he's going to rest the whole place. Now, you just assumed Ronald McDonald's gender is you needed hamburger, save space. And then Don Jr. is just like, all right, all right, we're riffing. Yes, and let's go. Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, fuck it, who the, how about how, uh, Green New Deal? And it just, it's one of the most depressing things I've ever seen. It's worse than the little Xan Podcast.

is like more, there's more like thinking on your feet in that one than this. I mean, that was kind of a running theme of all of this, right? Is that the total dearth of charisma of anyone on stage, except the most buffoonish, cartoonish like figures in the movie. Not just people on stage with the people watching it.

Yes. That's like, it was just like, it was like a mirror reflecting just the perfect just vacuousness and nihilism back and forth. A few, a few more details from the exhibitors hall. Of course, there were usual suspects there, you know, heritage, judicial watch, national review. They all had booths.

TPUSA had a booth with a life size cardboard cut out of Charlie Kirk and an actual in the flesh human being booth babe. Yeah. You could get your photo taken with. I love CPAC booth babes. Oh my God. This is another good thing.

There was a, in the exhibitor hall, there was a huge RV parked inside of it that was like the tax free RV. And it was like, add a big like the stick on the side. Taxes suck or whatever. And there was a little table set up in front of it. And of course we went to the tax free RV. Door was open.

We, what we got on the RV and started hanging out. It was nice in there. It was, you know, it was a cool RV, nice couches. Do you have a kitchen? Yeah. Oh yeah. Kitchen, bathroom, shower, sleeping area, everything. I'm feeling like Walter White. We get on there and we're hanging out the tax free RV.

And then like, you know, again, one of these little like droids or whatever, one of these shows up and he's just like, please get off the tax free RV. You cannot be in here. Please, please exit the RV. And it's just like, dude, why, how are you going to have the RV

and not let people come on it? If you're pitching, come on, give me something here. Wait, I don't understand what the RV symbolizes. It just, you know, it's that they go around the country in the RV letting people know the taxes suck. Oh, okay. So then they like, they're making our stop at CPAC, but like, come on, give me something here.

There's gonna be a pamphlet. Let me go, let me on the RV. Let me honk the horn. Oh, there was another cool group. The Japanese conservatives? Not Japanese Americans. Japanese. The Japanese conservative union. There's like the Japanese right wing

where they're handing out like fans you can fan yourself with. And then there were just like, you can fan yourself and like we had the Japanese flag and the American flag and it was just like, fan yourself, but also reminder, no war crimes are committed by the Japanese Imperial Army during World War II. Imagine it dude, Mishima, if he did a speech at CPAC.

That would be like his final speech. Yes. And they try to put it in a YouTube compilation. Mishima goes savage at CPAC. I was told that the Japanese conservative union, this is a new thing. And that's why there are all these events involving the JCU at CPAC this year.

And one of the events we didn't go to this because we were pretty much burned out that day was a workshop on Bitcoins or on cryptocurrency that the panel, the panel was like three Japanese guys from the JCU. And I believe his name is Mark Wayne Mullen. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Barry Loudermilk who was just some fucking Barry Loudermilk.

He's just some fucking cracker like congressman from fucking, you know, shit hole Georgia. I'm off on that loud milk. And it's like that guy, that congressman, that guy doesn't know anything about cryptocurrency. Why is he sitting in this event? Why are they even talking about cryptocurrency? This is a scam, right?

Well, that's the thing. This has to be a fucking like a timeshare presentation. And I'm really praying like this is where the seeds of the next financial meltdown are being sold. That's one thing that has to be stressed about this is that in practical terms, yes, it is a, I mean, spiritually it is a black mass. I mean, it's a witch's Sabbath

where they're praying for the death of all living beings. I mean, that is what they're doing. But on a practical level, it's a fucking jobs fair. It's a bunch of on the make gremlin children who don't want to get real jobs. And hey, I don't fucking blame them, real jobs suck. And are trying to get into this pipeline so that they can get jobs, triggering libs

for TPUSA or heritage or whatever. And then guys like selling things like crypto and their own persona. There was a lot of, there's a big presence at the event from a fucking health insurance company. Yeah, they underrated everything. It was like, yeah, like share, it was like- Liberty health or something like that.

Yeah. And they were just pitching plans. They were like, hey, $500 a month for your family. I mean, it was just- Old glory robot insurance. Yeah. We all got text messages on Friday morning that said, welcome to CPAC.

Come see us at booth 617 to sign up for expenses paid travel for activists. Visit stampedeamerica.com. Stampedeamerica. They're calling you a cow. Yeah, come here so we can pay you to do conservatism. Come here, you stupid livestock. Let's funnel you into this fucking corral

and then put a bolt through your head. Yeah, which I felt like a numerous times in that fucking country. Because there were a bunch, there were mama and peepaw, of course, the older conservatives who were there because they're cranks. But a lot of it was these psychotic looking kids, all in identical, very tight suits,

most of them with the Macklemore Nazi haircut, who were just there on behalf of whatever org they're trying to get membership in so that they can get a job. Yeah, I mean, the interesting thing about the makeup of the crowd there was that it was either very old people or mostly very young, like millennial conservative types.

There were no Gen Xers. There were no Brett Kavanaugh's. No. It was just, yeah. There's just only only aspiring Brett Kavanaugh's or multiple predicate repeat Brett Kavanaugh's. Yeah. And it goes without saying,

and of course, hypocritical of me to say this, as was pointed out at the time, but they all look wrong. Their faces were wrong. And not in a, that's an unfortunate, ugly face, in a, that is not really a human face or it's a poorly fitted mask. It looked, everybody, all the kids at CPAC,

all the young people, they look like character creations from a video game where you get to personalize all the facial features and somebody went nuts with one of the sliders, one of the areas. Another John Boyce Breaking Madding project. I mean, really? Well, like if anyone has seen Monster Factory on YouTube, they all look like Monster Factory creations.

That was it for me. When I walked in, I was hungry and disoriented and suddenly I'm in this throng with all of these, all of these cops wearing, you know, body armor with bomb sniffing dogs and holding, you know, like big fucking military grade rifles. They're to guard this collection of whites, all of whom have just one thing particularly wrong with them

on a genetic level. Like one of their genes has just been microwaved and that produced like just people who are just unwell in various ways. And it just hit me, this is the future. This isn't just the future they want. This is probably the future. They'll be holding CPAC 20 years from now

when National Harbor, you know, there is a harbor there and a nice ferris wheel and a pier where that's gone. It's replaced with a fucking, you know, 20 foot high sea wall outside our fucking refugee camps. And it's just, yeah, just fucking half the guys here are fucking cops with assault rifles. And the other half are these people to defend their fucking panels.

Oh, hold on. We're getting a call from Jerry Falwell, Jr. He wants to riff on this. All right, you're in problem with our genes. We wish they were very skinny genes. I would say- Holy shit, Jerry. I would say of the young men that were at CPAC,

here's how I would describe it. Imagine if you cut off every single one of Ben Shapiro's toes and then planted them in some sort of like, you know- Enchanted lobe. Petri dish or sort of like a mandrake root or something and grew like additional like homunculi from Ben Shapiro's toes.

That's what all of these guys would look like. There were the most- The highest ranking like millennials were, they looked like Rubio Bastard. Well, we did see- I'm gonna get there- We did see a Rubio Bastard. We saw, we saw, I'm gonna get to the Rubio Bastard.

And again, I would also like to say another big theme of Thursday walking around. Again, when you hang out with Felix, it's sort of like week to week, month to month, what's on his mind is like a slot machine. Like you never know what's gonna come up. And this week it's all Game of Thrones lore. Well, the only thing that keeps the gun out of your mouth

in your life is meaning and novelty. And I have to get a new interest every month and that's what keeps life worth living. And this week it's Game of Thrones lore. Well, the Game of Thrones, it was incredibly relevant to our experience there for sure. That was the only thing that calmed me down was finding Felix and he just starts

comparing things to Game of Thrones. And it just made my brain so, so calm. Now, and first of all, I have seen, I had seen some people trying to get over and say, haven't you guys been making fun of people comparing politics to Game of Thrones for years now? You are correct. Yes.

However, when Felix does it, it's deep lore. Yes. It's an informed, knowledgeable canon. It's not just like some random guys from the show. Yeah. Yeah, I saw Hillary's Daenerys because they're both badass. I know all the characters.

We saw one of the Rubio Bastards and we figured it out. It's Rubio of the Dade. And the Bastards in the Dade are called Beaches. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We saw, yeah, we saw like Brendan Beaches. Brendan Beaches gave us speech about, you know, what to do if someone knocks your MAGA hat off

in your high school. Well, that was really instructive because we went to one, because there were a bunch of breakout panels. We only went to one and we figured, oh, this is boring. It was sold. It was billed as a panel on Antifa. And how to combat them when they're trying to fuck

with you on campus or something like that. But what it turns out to be was some kid from one of these DPSA knockoff groups. It was a Rubio Bastard. He did work for Marco Rubio. We are not alleging that he's literally the illegitimate child of Marco Rubio. We are saying in the Game of Thrones universe,

it would be implied by author George R.R. Martin that he would be of the Beaches, the name that is given to Bastards in Miami. In Dade. In the Kingdom of Dade. And there's Cabot Phillips. Cabot Beaches. Cabot Phillips Beaches.

Cabot Phillips Beaches. And it was ostensibly about documenting oppression against conservatives. Cause they're just using the ID Paul stuff, Aikido style and saying actually, conservatism is an identity and it's the most oppressed one. He actually started talking about liberal privilege because you have privilege if you're liberal

cause people don't think you're a piece of shit. And, but very quickly it was, it was clear that that was just a cover. That was a justification. What it was actually about was how to trigger libs on your campus, how to film it, how to have it go viral, then how to get a job being me.

That's it. It's just he's teaching another generation of kids how to get a brand as a lib triggerer that somebody's grandpa will pay you to go around and anger liberals. How to create memes for like 70 year olds. Exactly. But the funniest thing is it started

the woman who run the organization introduces him and she's given the story of how he joined them. And it's like, okay, what's this whole ratio Elger tail? And she just says, so I'm Facebook friends with his dad and his dad messaged me and say, hey, Cabot's really looking for an internship. And so I said, well, he could come and work for us. Now here he is.

That's everyone's funny anecdote at CPAC. It's like, turns out our dads know each other. That's all of it. That's interesting. It's funny story. Yeah. My dad got me the job. That's it.

Grand play to circle back for a second. I had one more big thing in the exhibitor hall that I'm sure you might be aware of. I got to meet Sebastian Gorka. We all got to see him very close up. And I gotta say, like the impression that you get of him on television or through James Adomian's brilliant impression really does not underscore how large he is.

He's a bearer man. How enormous his head is. I have a big head. My head is like the red eye of Jupiter compared to his. Like his is Jupiter. Mine is like the red eye. Felix saw him and just said that like his entire bloodline going back 2000 years is just epigenetic memories

of burning villages full of people and just from horseback. Let me tell you something about Gorka's people. They have to bind their skulls every time they lose a battle. Look at Gorka's skull. That's an undefeated bloodline. Yeah. He is a conqueror. Piles of fucking Janissaries at his feet.

No, his head, Gorka looks like a guy wearing a Sebastian Gorka football mascot outfit. Like his head is a mascot version of his own head. You know, he was doing a book signing there and that was, you know, cannot miss for me. So I did buy a copy of his book, Why We Fight, because I got and I got him to sign it for James. And I'm going to own a mail James a copy of this book

as a thank you for his brilliant impression of Gorka. But so there's a bookseller area. And that was fun too, because I got to walk through and see some of the books that were on sale. I ran into, we ran into Oceda there. Yeah. And Oceda said, like in years past, like they just had like books from V Dare for sale.

They just like open white supremacy. This one was just like one notch removed because there'd just be books called like what every American needs to know about the Quran. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I'm waiting online to buy a book. Of course, these people want to know dummies.

They know how bookselling works, you know, for be a book signing, you better be selling some books there. So I got a copy of Gorka's book. And as I was waiting online to get it, there was this couple in front of me who were buying a big old stack of books. And I'm sure they're going to give to their grandkids

that are going to be left unread or throwing the trash immediately. And the woman is like, oh, like, you know, do you take credit card or whatever? You know, they're like wondering about how to pay. And the bookseller goes, oh yeah, we take it all. You know, I've been coming to CPAC for years now. One year, I even accepted payment in precious metals.

There was a gentleman who only would pay me in silver coins. And I had to check with the exchange rate. And that's when I really thought like, this is what we've lost now that Trump is president. You know, like we've lost like the cooler CPAC. The colloidal silver guy. Run Paul won the CPAC, presidential straw poll, back to back.

Yeah, yeah, it used to be, because I mean, when there's not a Republican in power, it used to be like, okay, who's the type of person who would travel from all over the country to tell strangers about how silver is actually made from dragon, like dragon breath. Yeah. Well, there's a battle of,

if not a battle of ideas, a war of position between factions for the next round of power. Now they've all been absorbed into the Trump work. And even more so than Bush ever was able to, because of the spectacular nature of Trump, because of the emotional power of Trump, they're all just totally absorbed in. That's why we, the Game of Thrones references are apt here,

because like in that show, you know, that show, the books are about children squabbling over the gains after a heroic age has ended. We're in that, you know, that CPAC milieu, nobody really kind of knows what they're doing and they're all just following one, you know, blustering stupid, strong man. And they're all the shithead children of wealthy houses.

Just to finish off about Gorka, though, I did hit the dab on Gorka. I said, He looked like he was about to hit you with his sword. Well, you know, here's, again, the book's sounding like, this is so funny and this is so apt for like what CPAC is. So there's a line, you have to buy his book to get in line. You can't just meet him.

You have to buy the book. There's a line for the regular people. And then there's a VIP line where you get to cut in front of everyone else. And unlike other book signings where it's just like a table and you shake the person's head, Gorka was literally like on a throne, like six feet above you.

And you have to like reach up to shake his hand. And I was like, an honor and a pleasure, doctor, as he's like looking down to me, throw the surf out. We were on the side. So we had a side angle view of Will handing his book up to get signed to Gorka. I was like, more beforeage, son. I wanted to be like,

Father, will you read me a story? And then he just hits me with like a horse whip and kills my family. It was like, it was one of those things where it looked like Gorka was sent from another planet to kill you and your race. He's such a large man. Like, how tall is he? Was he like six, four?

He's got to be like six, four, six, five. But he's just, he's just, it's just everything's larger. It's not just six tall. He's like, but he's wide, it's thick. I was thinking about this because it snowed that evening and I just thought if CPAC had been snowed in and nobody could get there for a week, first of all, they all would have started eating each other

within an hour as soon as the canapes ran out. And suddenly when the rescuers finally pulled those their way in, there would just be Gorka on a throne of human skulls. Picking his teeth with Charlie Kirk's fucking index finger. No, wait, it would be, no, it would finally be the mountain versus the hound. Gorka, the mountain versus the hound, Tom Fitton. That's the claim for this.

Nobody knows who Tom Fitton is. Tom, okay, so Tom Fitton is a totally jacked, like 60 year old who runs one of those blogs called like Judicial Watch, where he's like breaking. Robert Mueller has said the n-word. Who's why we need to throw out the case against Trump, but he's jacked. Tom Fitton's a fucking big,

look up a picture of Tom Fitton. Terms safe search off, thank me later. So before Gorka was waiting online, I was standing right in front of two, two MAGA lads. They both had the hats on and they were both in like ill fitting suits. Of course. And they were talking to each other about like, you know,

why they, he's like, you know, the thing is like about progressives is they don't have morality, truth and God on their side. And then I swear to God, they started talking about girls and they were like, the problem with girls today is they don't know what they want. They just want to date and have fun, but they don't know about truth.

I'm not making that up. And then as we got like close to like the, close to the throne, the throne of doom, they started talking to me. They were like, they're like, are you a fan of Gorka too? And I was like, a big fan of Gorka, huge fan. They're like, where are you here from? And I was like, I was like a small independent media outlet.

And they were like, oh, have you covered Gorka? And I was like, extensive, we've interviewed him. Yeah, yeah, we've interviewed him many times. So, and then I just want to, I want to point this out. Like while we were there, Politico magazine had a new piece out that had another brilliant bit, another gem from Gorka that I just have to read right now. It said back when he was still actually in government,

it's, I'm reading here from Politico, one Trump appointee, conservative commentator, Sebastian Gorka would show up at random meetings, even though it was never clear whether he had the proper security clearance and he would often raise unrelated points. One former White House official recalled Gorka saying such things as, if you look at what Napoleon did,

and we'd all be like, I don't know how to respond to that. As for a comment, Gorka told the Politico reporter, take a long run off a short pier, you ought to hack. Gorka, I wish there was like freestyle battles you could just for melodramatic old men of foreign extraction, him versus Taleb. I mean, I think Taleb would crush him though. Taleb would destroy him. Like linguistically, lyrically.

You utter imbecile. So I do have this copy of Gorka's book. I don't need to mill it to James, but I just want to read just a little bit of just the flap copy. So you open the book, you look at the jacket, and this is the first thing you see. War, it will happen again, we must be ready,

and we must win. Those are the big bold like in red. And then the actual jacket copy begins, sober words from Dr. Sebastian Gorka. A man who has made the unvarnished truth, his specialty, and there's one eternal truth that Americans are in danger of forgetting. The most important weapon in any geopolitical conflict

is the will to win. I just want to point out, it starts with the word war on its own line in all caps, just like the episode three opening crawl. So, yeah, that was Gorka. That was special to see and meet the great man himself. From there, like I said, we did go to the panel with one of the Marco Rubio bastards

that was mostly pretty boring. Pretty boring, we left after about 10 minutes. Before then, we did get to meet another character you might remember from the internet, but this time on the opposite side, we ran into Claude Taylor, aka True Facts, stated. Hell yeah. And we asked him about the rat,

and the rat was there, we saw it the next time. If you ask Trump rat like the unions do with Scabby. What's fun about him, if you ask him a question, he has to give you an honest answer, but it's often very cryptic. Yeah, but he has a twin brother. False facts. False facts, he did. I was instantly impressed with Claude Taylor.

I didn't know anything about him other than his online handling reputation as a resistance goof. He was like the White House florist or something. He rules. He was like a travel photographer. He was like a freelance travel photographer, and he's like, I have a top secret security clearance. But he's a 60s plus year old man,

and he's still wearing statement eyeglasses, which to me is an alpha move, and so I give him respect. True Facts, though, was very nice to us, but this is another funny thing. While we were talking to True Facts, and I think Jared Holt was there as well, some feral grippers accosted us

and called us Judeo-communists, and they were like, well, Judeo-communists aren't sending their best. That was their good line. So yeah, again, another indication of what the crowd at CPAC actually believes in. Yeah, Judeo-communism. I think those guys were hanging around.

It's like, choose one or the other. I think those guys were hanging around with that Nicholas Fuentes, the booger-eating Nazi guy, because we saw him later, and then they were near him. And they were all dressed in incredibly tight suits. The head one had a huge, like, poreless face. He kind of looked like that mac-to-lite-looking motherfucker from Night Breed, you know?

And he had a big fucking crucifix. But it was wood, though. Yeah, big wooden crucifix. He basically looked like a Brazilian Pentecostal preacher. Like, his name should have been Valencio Gogart or something. And he had very unappealing. Him and his flunkies accosted. They molested Matt and I.

When I was, like, on... Yeah, Matt was peeking. He did not appreciate it. And they were like, they were like, wow, you look like shit. Look at you tweeting, fucking, you're vaping. Wow, you're so unpleasant. And they accused us of being unaesthetic men.

Non-aesthetic men. Non-aesthetic men. They were like, this is what you look like next to just good, strong, conservative men. Yeah, that's what I saw there. Yeah, and I was just like, OK, I was like, where are your girlfriends? Are they at CPAC Canada?

And then I was just like, I was like, yeah, whatever, guys. Like, OK, get your licks in. This is fun for you. And then, like they said, we're unaesthetic men. And then when I really lost the thread, isn't they accused us of supporting brutalist architecture? Yeah. That's what I was like.

That's what I was just like, dude, I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. I was ignoring that. I didn't want to have that. I'm pleasant. I wouldn't know how to have that conversation. So I was just like on my phone listening to, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then he's like, yeah, you guys,

you think you like this good stuff, but you want the brutalist architecture. And I said, I looked up, I said, I don't know what you're talking about. And he was like, well, come on. And I think he kind of has been having like an argument with me in his head that I wasn't aware of. And he thought I would be on the other side of it

if we ever met. And since I wasn't. Your fucking brutalist architecture rules. And it's like, it's exactly like, buddy, you are not, we're not on the same wavelength. And it kind of deflated him. And they left right at the. That's something Nazis are mad about.

I don't, I don't really follow it either or give a shit. They're very inscrutable beasts, like women with short hair and like architecture. They don't like. I just want to point out that I was not there when you were costed. And I'm sorry you all got owned. Their dialogue tree was just like procedurally generated

for Chan means. Yeah, well, I have to admit something. I wasn't there. I lied about going to Best Buy. I actually had a bridge of spies moment where I became conservative for one hour. And that was the oppo I gave them on you that you guys like brutalist architecture.

And it was such shitty intel that they bridge of spied me back. And I'm stuck here. No, the main, the one thing they had that was right there, like, oh, you fucking baldy piece of shit. You don't look good. And I was like, yeah, you're right. I don't look good. But as I've said, I look like a human being.

And these guys, for the most part, don't. And even the ones who are just unfortunate looking, you know, no, everyone is an insecure. You just don't turn that into an excuse to just be a piece of shit. Like these guys all are just like little Richard, the third running around, just being like, I have determined to prove a villain.

Like I'm going to take the fact that I look like a weird fucking NPC who's glitching and use it to make the rest of the world feel my pain. I mean, anyway, being insecure is not an excuse to be a piece of shit. Buddy, wait till you find out about Twitter. That is again, about the crowd. Just another overwhelming feeling is this feeling

of just aggressive, like malicious smugness. And for so long, the knock on like liberals is truly like the Bill Maher, like fucking smugness thing. But, you know, just the difference of like putting that, like when you talk to liberals or at these conventions, people talk about like, they feel like they need to fight. Like a fear of the other side, a desire to overcome. And this is just overwhelming.

This is it, we've won. This is the end of the world. There's no reason to care about anything or any other person. And that is, in fact, a good positive value to have. It's liberating. One of these guys actually did get Matt, he was like, sign my book, sign my book for me. And Matt did sign it each shit.

It was a copy of True Allegiance. Oh, nice. They also did ableism to Matt. So in case you had to note, Nazis are canceled. The Nazis are canceled. Yeah, they're all right. Call out thread, guys. Yeah, they're bad.

I know you guys like, you know, destiny, Evropa, eternal Alice, but it's actually quite problematic. From there, we went to like the big, big ballroom where all of the sort of like main event, stage one speeches were. It was called the Potomac Ballroom. We had media passes. So like we were all the way in the back of this gigantic ballroom

and like the big CPAC stages there. And the first guy we saw was this dude named Larry Tate, who was talking about, I think, criminal justice reform from a conservative perspective, because he actually went to jail for like election fraud and racketeering. And I sort of got while he was talking, I looked this up. He was sent to jail as part of an FBI

sting called Shrimp Scam. That's like abs scam, but for shrimp. I love getting the shrimp scam at Red Lobster. He got the FBI, sent him to the feds for shrimp scam. Again, cannot make this up. And then after he was done, he walks to the cane, he's like an old man. After he was gone, giving his presentation about like,

you know, why prosecutors have gone too far, which I got to say he's right. No, he made some points like, yeah, they're putting people in jail for too long. There were a lot where we've normalized rape as a part of going to prison. But once again, this is a thing where a conservative, this thing is now a problem because it personally affects me.

Yeah. Yes, you literally only hear it from conservatives who have to go to Chakalsen. Yeah, Chakalsen is a great example. So then after he gave his talk, I swear to God, he was given an award or he was given the conservative excellence award by the CPAC committee or whatever. Then we saw Chief Trump economic advisor, Larry Cudlow.

Jay Cuds. And I got to say, I was hoping to run into him because I wanted to buy an eight ball, but he's definitely off the stuff because he was incredibly low energy, super low energy. He fucking needed a bump or something. He needed to hit, he needed to hit a fucking rail or something. He was so low energy.

He's just like, eh, they want the taxes, cuts are working folks. And he's like dressed like fucking Dondre. No, no, no, he's dressed like Gordon Gecko. He looks like he's wearing a, a waltz. He's looking at, he's wearing a Wall Street tycoon Halloween costume, like one of those ones that you get with the stripe shirt and like the arm belt,

buck belts and like the big plastic Stoge. He said, we were going to put socialism on trial. Yeah, that was his big, that was Larry Cudlow's big line. He goes, I want you, I want the audience to make a pledge right now that you are, we are going to put socialism on trial. We are going to put socialism on trial and indict it. And I was just sitting in the back going like socialism, you're going to politics jail, 10 to 20.

Okay, we got lunch in the weird Potemkin village after that, but this was all leading up to, in my opinion, the funniest thing that we saw or did at CP. And I want to say this. So, like I said, I was peeking when I got accosted by the moon men and that was not good. And so I was in the dark night of the soul. I was feeling very bad.

I was seeing shit and all the faces looked monstrous. And we had to walk to see Cudlow to go to the Potomac ballroom. You have to walk past the main entrance and then you have to walk past radio row, which is where every one of the accredited media organizations is doing interviews with all the other attendees. And so you're walking in this very narrow corridor with all of these people who are all talking.

They're all part of this media hive and everything was too loud. And the faces were like coming right at me and they would just be crystal and clear for a second. And they, on a swear to God, they all looked like they were going to start biting me. Like that, I had what Hunter Thompson called the fear. I actually had it. Like I said, I remember when we went to the,

when I went to the RNC, I said that everybody looked like they were from a Ralph Steadman painting. But I actually felt in that moment like I was inside a Ralph Steadman drawing. Now I was getting the fear and I was like, Matt, like, let me get you some water. Like, it'll be okay. Like, here's here.

Have some water, dude. It'll be fine. So he was like, this is no good. It feels bad. Then it was going like straight down into the valley. Then whist right back up on a gondola. I earned it. I earned it.

After feeling like, and I swear to God, I felt like I was in the Amazon and they were piranhas and they were going to just strip my fucking bones in a second. I was genuinely terrified. But then a beautiful golden boy saved me. I'm talking about the unofficial, off the cuff, punk rock, rock, Jacob Wall, Jack Berkman and Laura Loomer press conference. Wow.

So the Virgil by this one had joined us. So the whole team was assembled for this ad hoc press conference because I guess Jacob and Jack weren't given credentials to CPAC. Laura was, but we'll get to the funny turn on that in a little bit. Again, and we were too. We were. But just to put a point on this, everybody emailed earlier to get credentials.

I never got an email back from CPAC giving me my credentials and I just walked into the media room at the day and was like, can I please have credentials? I'm with these guys and they were like, yeah, here you go. So that's how easy it is to get. So you remember how I told you how like in the Gaylord Convention Center is like this gigantic like glass atrium that's like eight stories high. And we were on like the sun just pouring in and Jacob led us to

basically like the edge of a cliff. Yeah. Looking over like this, this village. We were all yes. We were the airy everybody who wanted to see the Jacob thing was sort of milling around in this area. No one knew exactly where it was going to be because there's a million places it could be technically called the lobby.

So we didn't want to miss it. And I figured he's good. He's only doing this for the press. He's not going to start doing it if nobody's there. He's going to find us. And sure enough, eventually he came into the lobby and he just pied piper of Hamlin style just leads us all onto this, this outcropping area where the atrium is all of a sudden pouring in.

It was it was dappled as well. We were dappled. We were dappled up. So Jacob, Jack Bergman, Laura Loomer there to give in their words, the events of CPAC, the most bomb shell like this is like the bomb shell. This is what's going to make headlines. This is what's going to make news. He delivered it to us and literally sixes of other people.

All of whom were hostile press there to laugh at every single person. This was just this was a comedy performance. Yeah. Every every other like actual earnest attendee was like, you know, fucking they were watching like Rick Perry talk about the future of coal or something. They were not watching this shit. So we get there. He immediately hands out and what he is calling a confidential report.

I have holding it in my hand right now. It is literally like five pages stapled together. Just Times New Roman 12 point font looks like something you would give in to like a class you were trying to get a C in your freshman year of college. They're just not really putting in much effort. Yeah. There's pictures in it. Yeah.

It says confidential report investigation of Representative Ilan Omar February 2019. And then he's like, does everyone have a copy of this? And at the bottom of each page, it says privileged and strictly confidential. So this is the first thing we see. We remember you remember like last week, they like them and that Ali guy all went to Dinkytown. Ali was there, by the way. They all went to Dinkytown and got Dinky Burgers in Minneapolis, but like the Somali warlords who have taken over there stopped doing it or something.

So this is this is their investigation. And we knew like I was like, this is going to be about how she married her brother. Right. Yeah. And lo and behold, that's exactly what it was about. Yeah. But the entire, so he's like, yeah, he was giving the presentation from this dossier, which is in front of the moon door, right?

He was at the moon door and he's giving the presentation. Like it, his verbal presentation had like nothing to do with the document though. It was just like you would momentarily look up and be able to like hear him, because of course he wasn't mic and people are yelling. But when you did hear him, he'd be like, and you know, as you know, Somalis have an Islamic style warlock in their community that helps them change faces. And then you'd look back at the document and it would just be like poorly translated Instagram screenshots.

Okay. I want to read this is from the document provided under bold underline findings. The following findings are based on an extensive investigation, including forensic analysis, cyber intelligence, and in-person interviews with well-placed human sources. And the cyber intelligence is literally just following on Instagram and doing screenshots. And then mistranslating from whatever like Somalia. I just like, again, like the whole thing was that she married her brother to get citizenship in America can't say that, you know, there are anything too bulletproof was presented.

It's going to be hard for them and that same to fucking ignore this one. But I got to say, if it is true, I think that owns and is awesome. Like if that's the fucking hustles you pulled to go from being in a refugee camp to in Congress in America doing good work, that's fucking cool. You dumb ass lazy motherfuckers. Okay. Can we talk about Jack Berkman though? Jack Berkman was wearing the most dishonest he was wearing a pinstripe suit with a black

turtleneck, like literally the outfit you wear when you're about to get beaten up for gambling debt. He's stepped out of a 1996 vivid porno video. He has sex. It is with saxophones in the background. He's wearing white pumps, he's got pearl necklaces, he's got crispy bangs. That's the only way it happens. He's like Jack Berkman was there and he'd be like, by the way, if you're here for my press conference against my lawsuit against Domino's Pizza, half hour free delivery, that'll be

later in the afternoon. Yeah. Berkman looks like, yeah, he just like, it looks like he's just like the catamary damacy of lawsuits. He just rolls around the world and he's like Domino's Pizza Tracker dishonest. Yeah, I'm getting on that. Illinois Married or Brother getting on that. Robert Muller raped a woman getting on that black dot com whatever getting on that.

He's like he's a lawsuit against black. That's com for discriminating against hiring him as an ad porn. And then next to them was Laura Loomer, who had a show on that had her picture like a drawing of her with tape over her mouth. But the problem is that was like four looks and nose jobs ago. So she looks completely different. That's the thing about that's the thing about Loomer that it's already a sign that you're unwell if you're wearing a t-shirt with your face on.

Yeah, not very many people can pull that off and convey sanity or competence. But her problem is, of course, that she seems to change her look once a week. Dude, she's a faceless woman. But Loomer is already a star. So so that just that heightens. That's like a new level of looking unwell that you're wearing a shirt with your face on it. That looks nothing like anything like her because she's blonde in the picture on her shirt and she always black hair.

It's very confusing. And again, I so in this scrum, you know, at the in the eerie overlooking the moon door, there's like I said, sixes of people there, virtually all of them laughing. And I can't overstate how funny I was crying. And here's the thing. I was a little bit like off to the side. I sort of separated from Felix, Matt and Virgil. And during this whole press conference, you're like, yeah, like Jacob Wall is presenting it

just totally straight face, completely straight face. I looked over and you can hear it like while he's going on. And there's video clips of this where you can hear Felix talking about Game of Thrones. And Matt is just red faced, pouring sweat, crying from laughing. Just get like gales of laughter are coming out of him. And like we were like three feet away from them so they could see and hear all of this. But again, just no acknowledgement. No acknowledgement.

I'm just like so self-conscious. Like when I'm totally alone, I'm like at my computer. I'm like, no, I don't even have like a cam on. I'm not a discord. I'm like, my hair looks like shit. I'm such a fucking pussy. I hope I'm killed by a sniper across my balcony. And Jacob Wall like literally hears like people like basically screaming and a man out of his mind on acid, crying, laughing at him.

He hears me calling him young Griff and his scumbag. His scumbag for calling him a John Connington. He's like, all going to plan. Now he has a gun, a perfect poker face. No reaction. Really impressive. Actually, he's basically a robot. When Laura Loomer said, because they described half of it,

it was complaining that Omar wouldn't talk with them. And I can't imagine why. But at one point she says, and I went to Representative Omar. I loomered her. When she said she loomered her, I fucking, I was dead. I was outside of my body for a minute. No, yeah. I wasn't on any, I feel like I depersonalized in a good way.

I feel like I spent the entire week in third person mode. So I kind of felt bad because we're all there just laughing and riffing and heckling them. And I thought, and we're surrounded by, you know, like a dozen or so journalists. And I thought, oh, are these guys mad because we're ruining their video? No, they're all dying laughing.

But no, they're also laughing and just heckling them and just asking in name questions of them. And that's when I realized what, you know, this trio, what the three musketeers do by going from town to town and putting on these press conferences. They're basically medieval genres. They are circus actors there because, you know,

all sorts of entertainment is, entertainments are banned. And they're tumbling bear dives. They have to get these people. And yeah, they just go around from village to village to entertain the local, the small folk. Except in this case, the small folk, the only people who pay attention to them are journalists because all they're like online fans are housebound.

No, that's the thing is that it was a totally self-contained experience. It was just, it was entirely for the benefit of these journalists. It was not going to change anyone's mind. It's not going to penetrate the MSM. Nobody but housebound boomers are even gonna hear about it on Twitter.

It's just for our benefit. And that's when I was, I started to think that Jacob Wall must be some sort of transcendent comic genius and that this is actually the only good bit going on right now of all the people trying to do bits because we're all kind of like, late capitalism is just a giant improv class

and we're all just doing bits for each other. Most of them suck because most improv is bad. A few of them are decent. Some of more of them are okay and a few are very good. I feel like he's the only one who's the best. He's the John fucking Belushi of late capitalism because he doesn't care how anybody sees him. All of us, we're bound by the fact

that we have an audience that we want to reflect well on us. They want, we have an audience of people we want to think that we're smart or funny or good people. Same thing for all the would-be carnival barkers on the right. They have an audience that they want to think that they're good in some way. Jacob Walt does not care. And so it's just pure performance.

And at the end of it, Will Summers asked him, hey, what about that thing where he said, Robert Mueller raped that lady? He goes, yeah, we're done with that. Yeah, that was my old set. What are you talking about? Yeah. No, I've got a new five minutes.

So my honest-to-god recommendation to you is that if Wohl and Loomer are coming to your town, do not miss that show. It's the funniest thing you're going to see. It's like when the Sex Pistols playing in Manchester for the first time. You know, not many people saw it, but everyone who did went on to form a band or the Velvet Underground.

Can we play the clip? I did get the chance to ask the first question at the press conference. Can we play a clip of my cue? All right, I want to open it up to three questions from the press and the public. The public's free to ask questions as well. Is it confidential?

Is it OK if I read it? All right, questions from the public or the press? Is it confidential? It's for release. And it's for release. This is hereby released. You can post it. And by the way, we're answering questions about the report.

But it says confidential, though. Is it OK if other people read it? Go ahead, Will. It's for release. Yeah, neither do you talk to the FBI or other law enforcement about the fuller press conference. We're finished with that. And no, we haven't talked to anybody.

It's about the whole family. Go ahead. Why is it anybody? OK. So in between there, we leave the wall press conference. We're going back to the Potomac main hall to see what, in my opinion, was the main event of Thursday. I got one right before that.

So I split off from the group because I need to get a bite to eat. So I didn't want to go to what was it, America Baseball, the restaurant in the national pastime. So I wandered around the Potemkin Village outside looking for a normal human restaurant, not something called like the clam manufacturing. And I did find one.

I found a potbelly. Good, good sandwiches. That is a sublime. And I walk in and not a lot of people there. All the employees there are black. And CPAC people have just been like streaming in and out all day to get a Sammy. And I felt like such a piece of shit.

Because I look like one of those people like you would confuse me for one because I'm wearing a tie and a blazer. And I just felt so shame-based getting my sandwich that I just hope to God all the workers there were just wiping their asshole with the fucking bread they were using that day, just not washing their hands or anything or spitting in the fucking food,

spitting in the soup. Because I would have gladly taken that friendly fire. Do you think, Virgil, if you tried wiping your ass with bread, you would clog fewer toilets? OK, that's not even a good callback. That was pretty good. I mean, no one's tried it. But if you get a very craggy nukes and crannies in the bread,

it could get corners of your asshole previously untouchable. OK, I got one brief thing. This is, of course, the warning, not medical advice. We are not doctors. My grandfather was a doctor. I have the epigenetic memories. We're getting to the main event of Thursday, which is, of course, Diamond and Sill.

Yeah. That was an all-star performance. We're going to get there. But there's just a few quick hits before there. So we did see a throng of people as we left Jacob. We're all following some crowd of people. Oh, what's going on over here? It was Don Jr.

DJ, DJ, DJ. It was Don Jr. walking around. And I saw him up close and personal. And I got to say, his beard, good move for him. It's actually an improvement on his look, because it does cover up his sort of chinless, jawless moan. No, his lower lip just gives up. So the beard is a good cover.

You see him? He met Laura Loomer. No, I didn't see that. Laura Loomer forced herself through the crowd. Laura Loomer has to be one of the top five crowd chovers in existence. Oh, yeah. So we see him briefly.

And then I see a woman who's moving around on an electrical wheelchair, like a mobility scooter. And she's got the CPAC dog in her lap. She's got her dog with her. I guess this is like a therapy dog. It's this adorable little doxant. And I'm walking right next to her. And I go, oh, who's this?

And she goes, oh, this is my dog. This is Annie Oakley. Her dog Annie Oakley. And I'm like, OK, I'm feeling better now. I'm seeing, even if it's a CPAC doggo, I'm like, oh, I want to pet that dog. And she just goes, who is that over there? And I go, oh, it was Don Jr.

And she goes, oh, Annie loves Don Jr. I'm surprised she didn't run off and go bark at him. And then I realize that dogs react to Don Jr. The way they react to terminators. And what she's associating as her dog Liking Don is actually her dog registering the fact that he's an inhuman monster and killing machine. Also, fairly small.

Slight. Little guy. He does the Vince McMahon meme strut as his default walker. Well, Virgil, you were saying that you wanted to meet him. I wanted to get a picture with Don Jr. and just whisper to him, you know, I've always wanted my father to love me too. So we get back into the Potomac ballroom

to see like a few of the final presentations of the day. And most of these are like 10, 15 minutes tops. OK, first up, and this was fucking surreal. Again, if they hadn't gotten bad already, we've already told you, I mean, again, some of the most insane things I've ever experienced. This may have been it for me. On a panel about small business regulation,

you had current labor secretary Alex Acosta talking about sort of tax credits and small like... It was about health care. It was about health care and small businesses. It was about small businesses and health care, yes. So boring. Audience is asleep. I'm nearly asleep.

Save for the fact that this is the guy literally a day ago, a judge in Florida ruled he broke the law covering up the fucking sweetheart deal for child rape empire fucking godfather Jeffrey Epstein. This is the man who... And this is literally why he has a job in the White House is that he did that for... Trump's name are on the fight locks.

He engineered a cover up of an international child rape conspiracy involving, among other people, former president Bill Clinton, current president Donald Trump and was rewarded for his trouble but with a fucking cabinet post. And he's up there talking about fucking tax deductible health savings accounts. It's so fucking surreal.

And what's even more horrifying is there's this grotesque, baroque criminality that he represents being sublimated into this banal conversation. But even that conversation is evil because they're talking about how we need to preserve private health care that literally fucking kills people every year. Well, I thought one of the things that was interesting about that panel, just the content,

was how much they sounded exactly like the liberal case for Obamacare. There was no presence of, we're going to repeal Obamacare. Like that fire in Brimstone is gone. The overwhelming mood was like, yeah, Obamacare is the law of the land. We're going to preserve it.

And it's just like 30 minutes of, well, we're going to tool around with the tax credits to make access and affordability more accessible and affordable for people. We're going to do some tax rebates to do something about prescription pricing. It's like, it basically sounds exactly like the Libs pushing Obamacare in 2007.

Because the things in Obamacare that are too popular are they're stuck with, like the pre-existing conditions thing. And they're all happy that they got rid of the mandate, but the mandate was to pay for that. So they're going to have to be some other mechanism to pay for it because they're stuck with it, which really does prove that all the people in 2009

who are insisting that, oh, this is a step towards universality, now Obamacare, sort of the zombie version that currently exists, is the status quo that's being used to fight against universal healthcare. Okay, moving on from, again, true detective season one, to, okay, this is really good. On a speech titled, like, Defending Jerusalem,

we have American Ambassador to Israel, Dory Gold. No, it was the other way around. Oh, he's the Israeli Ambassador of the United States. Oh, sorry, he's the Israeli Ambassador of the United States. Dory Gold, who actually, we were in an elevator way earlier, and we were not stuck in an elevator with him. We really took a normal elevator ride with Dory Gold, Israeli Ambassador to the United States,

who gave a talk about defending the eternal city of Jerusalem. This one was hilarious and made for a perfect contrast with what came after it. So he's up there talking about, basically trying to give a history lesson. He's arguing, oh, people say that the Jews haven't been in Jerusalem for 2,000 years. Well, here's some archeological evidence.

Look at these stones we found. He had these phano stones of old Israel and was like, These are royal seals from the kings of Judah. They were found at the foot of the Temple Mount in Jerusalem. This one here is the seal of King Hezekiah, who we call in Hebrew, Hezkiahu Amelech. He was a direct descendant of King David and here's his royal seal. So guess what?

There were Jewish kings in Jerusalem. I mean, it was so perfectly out of place because it was, the content and point of the speech is insane. It's like, he's like, there's a letter from Nebuchadnezzar that proves we've lived there for 30 million years. And just all the phano stones of ancient Israel, like this is a classic Israeli right wing thing to find like bullshit like coins and stones from the biblical kingdoms of Israel

to prove that they've been there forever. And therefore, finder's keepers like Netanyahu has a coin in his office that has the name Netanyahu on one of those like made up coins from thousands of years ago. When in fact Netanyahu is a Hungarian last name. But it's perfect because like, well, he's justifying, you know, just eternal dominion of that greater Israel, by Israel. When in reality, like to sell it to those people,

you just have to be like, yeah, fuck Arabs. And they would accept it. But the funniest part of the speech was when he was like, he had some, there was some letter he was doing to prove his point. And he was like, does anyone in the crowd speak ancient Greek? Oh, yeah, good crickets. Really know your crowd, man. Just absolute silence.

This speech completely bombed. In a cavernous ballroom, just like. Does anyone in the audience here read ancient Greek? Well, watch this then. This speech completely bombed and it went on for so long. And he kept saying things like, you know, now let's flash forward to 200 BC. And it's like, oh my God, we still have 2,000 years on the jet.

I was waiting to be, and here's a 2,000 year old man who can attest. Fucking Mel Brooks comes out. Now, would you say there were Jews in ancient Israel? Oh, yeah, sure. There were everywhere. I think there's ladies here. It's hard to understat and understate the overwhelming vibe of please clap, haunting every panel besides Trump.

Besides, and the funny thing is, is it ends like his big little plausible line after all this boring shit was an Israel Jerusalem must be to protect it and just no one's paying off. Did you hear that the ancient Israelis made their own oxcott? It could stop and turn on an ancient coin that proved we forever lived there. But it was emblematic of another thing, which is the, which is what made this, I'm sure, less interesting than when they're out of power and why I want to come back.

If, if we live to see a non Republican president on your own for that one. I would do it just because like they got it. Like Jerusalem, they finally did get that to be the recognized capital. Congratulations. Like this is just being a sore winner. And like he's like, yeah, again, America now do you recognize Jerusalem as the capital? But like, again, he's got what he wants.

But like his big enemy is Juan Cole and the University of Michigan. And he's just like contrary to what the University of Michigan says. Who gives a shit? Do you think anyone in that crowd, okay? They're like, oh, I hate the University of Michigan. I hate that blog informed comment circa 2004. Nobody cares about any of that shit. All you have to do is go on the stage and say,

Israel, we love it. Don't we folks? And that's it. Huge rapture. So again, just like a dead, just absolutely dead crowd. Just a few like coughs. Okay. Then we get the main event of Thursday.

And I got to say, like in the contrast could not be more vivid. Diamond and silk. Diamond and silk. This is what we were really looking forward to. Diamond and silk get out there. And I got to stay fucking blew the doors off that. They killed it. They crushed.

Absolutely crushed. They deserve every penny they got double. Well, and certainly a diamond deserves most of that. Okay. I'd never seen that. I've only seen them like on cable news or like brief clips. I've never actually seen them do like like a set. Yeah.

And I had no idea silk literally does nothing. Well, she's the designated black lady because she asked like what they have to do black lady stuff. That's why they like diamond does all the jokes and like all the like the zingers. And then all silk does is just go, uh-huh. No. Well, silk's like the head writer, but it was that was so sick. That was so fucking sick. Like I was so mad I was there after the two speeches I'd seen previous.

It was just I went through like two jewel pods. I was so fucking. I was watching Tifu on Twitch on my phone at full volume. And I was just so fucking irritated. And then just, you know, I honestly thought so we were in the back media pit, right? And you can't really see the front of the room and judging by the reaction to the two speeches we had seen. I was like, there's got to be like no one here. They got to just be saving it till they can see like Trump or like Mark Levin.

But when Diamond and Silk came out, it was like, oh, this place is packed. Yeah. Like I thought they were going to form a pit. Dude, I counted it. I counted it. There was no fewer than a half dozen standing ovations for Diamond and Silk. And the thing is, you guys have never seen it before. I've seen them in person.

Long time listeners will know that when I went to the RNC in Cleveland in 2016 with Brian Quimby from Street Fight, we went to the Alex Jones rally that was held totally separate from the convention on a little park next to the river. It was 95 degrees out. Milo was there. Alex Jones was there. Roger Stone was there. It was a cavalcade of guffamups.

And Diamond and Silk had a speech. And it was probably maybe 100, maybe 200 rough looking Info Wars fans. And they didn't do that well. They bombed, right? They kind of bombed. I mean, only Alex Jones really got a big crowd and got them engaged. Superstar. Because that's what people were there for.

But they did okay. The big problem was is that they would have like these set up punchline situations. And the guffaces, the fucking hicks in the audience would yell into the pauses and ruin the rhythm. And you could see them getting mad at them. So it was like, it was okay. You know, a couple of hundred Info Wars fans. And now, boom, two and a half years later, at the same stage, the president will be on

two days after them, packed room full of like millionaire scions and fail-sons going crazy for him. Like, yeah, like you said, like you said it to me. And it was actually like, it really hit me. Like, nothing sums up the last two years more than you seeing them bomb 90 degrees in front of Cleveland's shitty river. Two years later, headlining the marquee event of American conservatism on the same stage that Donald Trump himself and killing it. Killing it.

Just like, just I cannot, like there were impromptu chairs. Oh, Felix, love this. At one point, Diamond's going off and she says, just in the middle of her pattern goes, socialism. And then someone randomly in the middle of the crowd just yells out, socks. Yeah. This guy, like he gave his death yell to Diamond until he died after that all week. And it was like, it was his death rattle and then like, and then Diamond was like,

that's right, honey. And then he died and just his soul drifted off to heaven perfectly. Playing a fucking harp. He went to conservative all hall like he's going to live in a Ben Shapiro savage moment compilation video. So I'm trying to remember even like what the content of their set was. It's just like, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter.

Yeah. It was just like, just like all the all the wall. Build the wall. They're going to take your cows. They're going to kill your babies. No, no, no, no. This is what the one that I wrote down was. He said, it's all this talk about a green new deal.

We need a new deal for babies. Sound goes insane. And here is what I don't understand. What don't you understand? When an illegal alien come through that border illegally, the left advocates to help and support them. But when an American baby comes through the birth canal legally, the left is advocating to kill them.

I have a problem with that. That's right. I have a problem with that. I have a problem with a problem. Yeah. Yeah. I have a problem with that. And I'm sorry.

We don't need a green new deal. Uh-huh. We need a new deal for our American babies. That's right. That's what we need. We need a new deal for American babies, which just made me imagine a bunch of little infants in civilian conservation corps hats.

Building a dam. Yeah. Oh my God. Then the business plot is done by the boss, baby. We need to electrify the Tennessee Valley birth canal. Dude, I mean, just like I get like impromptu chance, standing ovations, of course grotesque. But I will say now,

I would accept a writing job on Diamond and Silk season three. If anyone's out there, I will take the head writing job for Diamond and Silk season three. Honestly, I think we can do better. Seeing on the same day within a few hours, Jacob Wall and them, it really did make me feel like I was enjoying like the 80s during the height of stand-up comedy as an art form

and seeing the two greatest exemplars of the opposing schools. It felt like wall was vintage, anti-comedy, Andy Kaufman, you know, just totally principled, you know, committed to the bit, anti-comedy. And then Diamond and Silk were raw era, leather suit, Eddie Murphy, theatrical release, stand-up special. Just crushing it.

Yeah, like a stadium of people. Yeah. Okay. So that about brings us to the end of the first day. And I'm going to skip ahead to what we did that night because it was definitely the worst thing we did during there. And maybe the worst thing I've done in my life. I knew what I was thinking all day.

I shouldn't, we shouldn't do this. And then we got there and I was like, yeah, this was a bad idea. My soul just felt soiled. First we de-camped at patio wonks for a couple days. And then, you know, I've done a lot of humiliating things in my life. I plan to do more, but I don't think anything will ever top waiting in line and the cold to get into the TPUSA party.

To get into the Benny Johnson, a Benny Johnson creation. Yeah. This is his new job as toilet paper USA's creative director. We got, someone forwarded us the invite and we RSVP and they let us in. It was called the America Fest. America Fest. And the actual email was just like a night of bourbon, beer and bacon for me. I'm not exaggerating.

And it's signed off with Dilly Dilly. The icon was a dabbing astronaut. And it was at Cadillac Ranch. A bar called Cadillac Ranch. Which is one of those fake ass western honky tonk chains. Ranch where they raise Cadillac. Like, yeah, like it would be like, uh, like there's a bar in Japan called like USA Cowboy number one.

Yeah. Good time. It's got a fucking Cadillac on the roof. It's wacky. The Benny Johnson TPUSA. This was, this was the social event of CPAN. A man would have to put his soul at hazard. And I did.

I would say like it was horrible, but it was worth it just to see. It was like stepping into Benny Johnson's brain, which is, I guess, kind of interesting because, okay, here's what it was. Uh, it was like a fairly large bar, two stories. And there was, uh, the drinks menu was just like, build the wall, whiskey neat. Uh, Mexico will pay for it. Tequila Sunrise, the Trump and Coke. And then just the Kavanaugh, which is just a beer.

No, Trump and Coke was not one because that would have been an actual pun. Yeah. No, they didn't even have any puns. One was just called AOC and it was a juice box. It's a juice box. She's a child. Again, and the only way it was done up to make you know that it was America Fest. This is like, this is like Benny Johnson's projection of what makes America yellow and

epic. And the answer is hunks all throughout the bar were life size cardboard cutouts of Chris Pratt, Tom Brady, Tim Tebow, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Drake, Jackie Chan, Jackie Chan too. No, but right the first thing when I get up to the bar, the first thing I see a cardboard cutout of Chris Pratt with a lay placed over it, and it was just like the only the only cardboard cut of a woman was of Marilyn Monroe. Or no. There was an AOC one that was just there to be yelled at and defaced.

Oh wait. Monica Lewinsky and Hilary too. Yeah, somebody wrote. Putin, Day on AAC's cardboard, Sandy and Marker. They had her next to a table covered with wonder bread bags, and it said socialist breadline free bread that sounds great. Like, holy, absolutely destroyed. Benny Johnson, by the way, you're wondering

what an analog he is, Peter Baylisch. But otherwise, yeah, a lot of hunky dudes there. And Charlie Kirk was there, DJ TJ showed up. Don Jr. He had an idiot knucklehead speech about how you guys have the balls to be assholes on college campuses and I love you for it. Yeah, that was my favorite part is the gist of what

Donald Trump Jr. was saying was, you know, if you go to a party and you yell, make America great again or build the wall, people think you're an asshole and they kick you out. But here, you can be yourself. So this is the one party a year that any of these fucking people can go to. Yeah, no, I felt like a bone deep despair.

I was feeling like Reverend Toller. This was the only time in my life I have not used all of my drink tickets. Because I just want to get the fuck out of there. No, I was on some like Maoist third world of shit where I was just thinking like, oh, we're all on the same side. These guys aren't my enemy really.

I mean, we're all in the imperial core. We're all the exploiters. Like we're the bad guys in this story. We need to be destroyed. And no disentangling me from them. We are all accountable for this. The worst part of that party is when those fucking people would try to talk to you, would try to socialize with you.

I was at the bar waiting for Drake. And again, all the bartenders are black and I just wanted to say, I'm normal. I'm not one of them. I'm a normal, please. But like Matt says, no, I also don't deserve to be there. It's like the only thing that matters, exactly. The only thing that matters in that context

is what side of the bar are you on? I was at the bar and this guy said, oh, hey, what are you getting? A corona. He said, oh, cool. I love corona. Love to have a human conversation with a fellow human. I didn't see them, but apparently Bill and Darla

Shine were there spreading polio in the VIP section or whatever. No, I felt, I felt, I felt deep despair. And I also finally got the concept of Zen fascism, which is not having to do with Jerry Browner or John Milius. It's these guys have embraced like a Buddhist concept of nihilism where it's just, look, we found ourselves by total act, total, total random fact

of fate to have been born at the end of this imperial moment. We are having access to this incredible bounty of exploitation, of the bounties of exploitation. And we're going to fucking use it and have fun. You're also in the same boat as us. You were born in the same situation. You are have access to this same bounty. Why don't you just enjoy it?

Yeah, everything's going to die. Everyone's going to die. Sure, it's not sustainable, but we're going to be the last to die, so why don't enjoy it? Why fight against it? And I actually finally got the point of all that hypocrisy mongering that Republicans do, where they say, oh, you drive a car.

Oh, you use a cell phone. It's not to try to get you in some petty, hypocritical, gotcha. It's to say, we're all in this together. We're all on the same side. Why don't you just enjoy it? Why are you torturing yourself? Why are you like, oh, this is actually bad,

and oh, no, we're exploiting all these people? Yeah, but that can't change it. You're in this situation. Just eat the fucking slider, drink the goddamn beer, and enjoy yourself. Trigger the libs. Have fun. But the thing is, and what repulses me to no end

is that they don't even seem to be enjoying it. They're not actually decadent. They are these fucking people who, like I said, go to one party a year and try to fucking make friends and bond over the popular beer, Corona. Right, no, they bond over that classic Bev. Well, that's just it, is that they've embraced this nihilism, but they also know what they've done,

and so it's never going to be pleasant. It's never going to be actually fun. They're never going to really be able to be decadent. They're never really going to be able to be purely hedonistic because they always have that voice in their head, and that's why they need to trigger libs all the time. They need to push it out, and they need to have an enemy that they can smite at any given moment

to smite their conscience. One last detail from the TPUSA party. Felix did use his reality-bending powers to accurately predict the playlist, and he literally said the next song is going to be Sicko Mode, and it was. And that's when I was like, I have to leave. Oh, yeah, because I know Benny John.

I used my pot. You're wondering who I am in Game of Thrones now. Brennan Rivers, the blood raven, the three-eyed raven. I saw into Benny Johnson's mind, I saw him hearing Mo Bamba and Sicko Mode for the first time and decided to play them back-to-back at his epic party. He did it. And then he did it. He did it. And finally, just to underscore

Matt's overall point about the TPUSA party and how we're all like complicit in this grotesque spectacle, we left that. And just to decompress and relax, we went to the fucking casino in National Harbor, Maryland, and got fucking dumplings and drank alcohol. But the thing that will stick with me from that show, not just my own crimes, my own awfulness,

because honestly, as bad as I felt, I still did feel like I wasn't one of them. I was sort of a Francis Walcott shit of like, I am a sinner who does not expect forgiveness, but I am not a government official. But the image that will haunt me is that I actually saw, five feet in front of my face, Charlie Kirk's smile. And as bad as it looks on film,

seeing it actually happen in person is one of the most unnerving things, because he doesn't smile the way that humans do, where you just, the muscles move up, your lips, you know? It snaps back. He goes from not smiling to smiling, and it just snaps up, and then his gums pop forward like the little mouth inside the alien.

He's a Xenomorph. He looks like a lamprey sticking his face against the side of an aquarium. Oh God. Oh. Okay, so that brings us to the end of Thursday, the main day. You know, we're going along with this episode.

This is a mega episode, so. I destroyed my soul for you people. My soul is garbage. There's more to come. I'm a damned soul now. So on Friday, we took a day off, because there was like nothing really cool going on. No, fucking my pants, give me a break.

Yeah, exactly. And like, just two days in a row, we just, I couldn't do it. I needed to sleep in. All the worthwhile stuff was at like 7 a.m. Yeah, Glenn, Glenn breakfast. That is so bad. They dog Glenn Beck so hard by giving him a spot at 7

in the morning. And then Candace Owens was at like 8. There's no way. Hey, remember when Glenn Beck was hugely anti-Trump? And now he's at a party, which is just a four day Trump fest owned. So on Friday, Matt, Chris and I went to the Smithsonian Museum of American History.

So we go there. And this is the only point I'm going to make from it. The only thing I'm going to just underscore leading into this Trump speech on Saturday, which is the brutal denouement to this whole experience. So in the Smithsonian, there is like, you know, the Hall of Presidents, right? And there are all the, all these presidential memorabilia

and artifacts and things like that. And we're walking through, we see like Lincoln's hat that he wore to Ford Theater. Pretty amazing. They're like, oh, no, this, this is the uniform that Eisenhower wore on D-Day. And like all these artifacts of American history. And the grandeur of the office of the President.

By the way, like the exhibit is called the American Presidency, a glorious burden, hilarious. So it's like, yeah, you're going through it. You're going through all of American history. They're like, you walk through all the wars that this country has fought. And again, in the back of your mind, it's all just leading to Trump.

And it renders everything that come before it invalid. And it really just symbolizes the death of American history and culture, because you get through all of the American presidents, and I swear to God at the end of it, it's a giant photo of Donald and Melania. He's grinning like an idiot. His eyes look like little mouths. And he just has this bizarre painted smile on,

limply giving the double thumbs up. And it's just, this is the end of American history. Yeah, it's the end of the, from the revolver or from the pistol George Washington used to fight the American Revolution to cheat hamburgers. But of course, it was always leading here. It was. That's the real joke of it.

It was, and it's inescapable. And it's just, and again, that's all I'm going to say about our recharging day, our day of regeneration on Friday. I went to the, we went to the museum. We went to the Trump International Hotel. We got a drink there in the lobby. So, Saturday, Trump. Big wet boy.

Well, we should say, just as an aside, as we are stumbling in past the security, the secret service security detail, literally five feet behind us is Laura Loomer getting her, her press badge taken away and getting denied entry as we. Okay. That was,

Oh girl, like stumble into this. That was the hilarious punchline to our interaction with Laura is that she was like, and she is like the pushiest, mouthiest person in the world. And she is hectoring the private, not secret service, but the privately hired CPAC security who's like,

look, take it up with the media office. Like, I don't know. I didn't, you know, Cause apparently what happened is, is she was using her past to go to the press area in the ballroom where we had seen things with Dylan Silk and was yelling at all the reporters for being discriminating against her or whatever the fuck.

And so since the media, you know, wing, they have an interest in having the people there relatively happy. I guess they just said, we don't want that problem. So they pulled her credentials right before. It was happening right before. She was going into the fucking a metal detector

right before us and they pulled her aside. It was amazing. So yeah, the punchline to our hilarious run-ins with Laura Loomer over the weekend was walking into Trump's speech. Daddy Trump going through security and seeing her be denied entry as we just waltz by. We're like, hi Laura, bye Laura.

We're going to see your guy. Too bad you can't come. Yeah, that sucks for you. Yeah, it sucks to be you. And then I did see like, she'd have some video where she's like, why am I being denied access and CPAC is letting in these leftist agitators.

And I was like, yo, show me the lie. Well, Laura, but she probably, she probably meant like reporters for time. Yes. Not us. Well, Laura, if you're, if you're listening to this, you know, it's because we're polite. We're nice and you, you tend to get up and scream things.

Well, now you're tone policing women. Well, you know, you just shouldn't be doing that. That's what they're afraid you're going to do. So this is it. This is the main event. We get there, we're in the media section. And, you know, there's a lot of fucking waiting around. It was very boring.

And like the thing is, in previous days, the media section was all the way in the back of the room. For Trump, they moved it up sort of the middle so that they could fill the back just with standing room only. Chumps. Chumps, who we later found out, paid money to be there because they kept,

they kept berating us. They were like, sir, sir, because you please sit down, we can't see. And it was like, well, we don't have any chairs either. I don't know what the fuck you want us to do. And they were like, you're not supposed to be standing. And we're like, okay, we'll try to see what we can do, but I don't know what you want from us.

And then one woman just barked at us. I paid $2,000 to be here. And then I just was like, that sucks. I don't know what to say. That sounds like a personal problem. That is the classic definition. That's a YP. That's not an MP.

I definitely respect you more hearing that you did that. And they were just, I got here for free, idiot. Well, you guys missed it. There's a part where Matt was just sitting on the table with his crack showing. And one of them went, some reporter. And I wanted to be like, yeah, this is Jake Tapper.

No problem with how Jake Tapper is conducting himself. So at one point they threatened to call security on us for standing in the media zone. Oh my God. Very unprofessional of us, but unprofessional of that. If you have a problem with how I behaved at CPAC, as a reporter, I am a reporter.

I am John from Pod State of America. One of those guys, contact my boss. So the way that the CPAC speeches are, it's all very tightly packed and it all moves pretty quickly. You speech, somebody comes on, there's like maybe two or three minutes with some audio visual material and the next one starts.

But of course, Trump was super late like he always is. So there was like a half an hour where they just had to keep doing things and they couldn't show the same three videos over and over again like the fucking ad for the goddamn insurance company that they kept running. So they just ran in full a segment from CNN where Matt Schlapp yells at Chris Cuomo

and the audience is just yelling at the television. It was just a collective expression of what all the grandparents do at home of just yelling at Chris Cuomo for having a liberal bias. Can we talk about Matt Schlapp for a second? Let's talk about Matt Schlapp. Let's talk, let's talk about Matt Schlapp. Let's Schlapp baby.

Which Matt Schlapp is the head of CPAC. So he's the guy who put this on. He's a fucking Doug's Exeter looking motherfucker. He was the guy who introduced Trump and he just has this energy of like a community theater director. Yeah. Where he's just like berating people back,

says places everybody. Yeah. We've got a big show. Yeah, it's funny because like the entire affectation of every CPAC speaker is like, oh, I'm what you hate the most. I'm a red meat eating straight white cis male. But Matt Schlapp just gets up there and it's like,

are you like a villain from dance moms? What the fuck? He's like, it's step, turn, pivot, tax cut, prance. You idiot. And we're not saying he's gay. It was just like a very like, yeah, like a mean theater guy. He didn't know you. Well, that fits them because he was leading up for the meanest,

the meanest little man that we have is Donald Trump. So yeah, God, it was so boring waiting around there being yelled at by these fucking assholes in the back. I'm really glad we were rude to them, by the way. Yeah, no, I was very glad to be able to just do anything to make me feel differentiated from them for a second. At one point during the Trump itself speech, I just hear one of them go under there

as we're like howling and laughter at him. Just go under their voice. He's a journalist, some journalist laughing, showing their body. Here's the thing, they were laughing too. Everyone was laughing. Trump was fucking killed. Like he, so many points, they were all laughing.

We were laughing at the wrong parts though and they got annoyed at that. Okay, first of all, the music choices. I gotta talk about it a little bit. I didn't even mention this, but like in the previous days, like again, the speeches were like 10, 15 minutes. They get some ancient, like they wheel out the crypt keeper to Maroon 5 and then wheel him out to Bruno Mars

or like the chain smokers. Just stunning, very verhoven. Or not very, it was actually Todd Solon's, just more like the musical choices that reminded me of. So, leading up to Trump, they play Neil Young's rocking in the free world. Conservatives are never gonna give up that song. It's like they're born in the USA now.

They cut out the verse about 1000 points of light though. Interesting. They bring out Trump to, proud to be an American, gotta play it, gotta hear. And I'll surely stand up next to you and defend her, Trump's just, and here's the thing, leading into this, we were very concerned that we were gonna get

the state of the union, Trump. Little bit. I mean, I wasn't that worried because he really likes a crowd that grooves with him. Yeah, exactly. It's a, he feeds off and these guys were the most primed possible. So, I wasn't that worried, but it was a possibility.

You're a little nervous. But then we see, we see our commander in chief just strut out there, immediately go to the side and give a full hug to the American flag. Yep. And we knew we were in for it. And he has this little smile on his face, like it's this little, this big binky or whatever.

He loves it, he's smiling. The audience is going insane. The people behind us are cheering, screaming, like it's a fucking concert. And like, oh, the Rolling Stone Journalist won't sit down, so I can't see Beyonce or whatever. Incredible. He gets out there, and then just from like,

word one, we know, this is Casino Don. This is Casino Donny. Donny Casino, Donny baseball, he's here. He was like, it was one of the best. One of like, if you're in the Trump speeches for the dementia, for the cattiness, for the weird stories that go nowhere, there were people I know that I was literally,

it was like a concert where I was like, dude, I wish you were here. You're such a big fan of this sort of thing. I wish you were here, Matt. And Daniel Dale, who we've mentioned on the show, is like probably one of the most, you know, the chief catalogers of Trump's speeches. He's like one of those guys who archives tapes

of every Grateful Dead performance, just for Trump tapes. And Daniel Dale's seen it all, all of his rallies, documenting all of his bizarre statements and lies or whatever. Daniel Dale said that this was the weirdest speech Trump has ever given. And I feel privileged to have seen it.

Here's the thing, before we get into the details, I just have to tell you upfront, we left after about an hour, because we wanted to beat the crowd and we had a train to catch, fully thinking he was wrapping up. He went on for another hour after we left. And 20 minutes.

He did, he talked for two hours and 20 minutes. Over two hours on stage. And again, and it was all incoherent. It was all original material too. Like, I think, at what part did you like really, really know we were in for a treat? Because for me, it was when he kept making weird references to Mark Levin.

Okay, yes, yes, he called out Mark Levin from the stage probably five times. He kept going, Mark, Mark's over there. Isn't that right, Mark? Mark, Mark, Mark, if I get this wrong, ooh, I'm gonna hear about it from Mark. There's a part where he said, the part that got me was, he said,

he was describing the history of tariffs. And he was talking about how we went back, we found this tariff. There was a period in America where we had so much money, we didn't know what to do with. So there was the tariff debate. There were tariffs and there was a time we had tariffs and we did great because we didn't let,

there's a word, Milani doesn't want me to use it. She always says, don't use the word, Don, don't use it. Should I use it? You think I should use it, folks? No, I'm not gonna use it. And then we were like, what the fuck were you talking about? There were a bunch of things like that. He had a bunch of things that went nowhere

that he was like, looks like I was supposed to connect this to a larger thought. We're not gonna be making that deal. And there was one where he's like, and you know, I talked to a man, toughest guy in the world, killer, mentally and financially. And he asked me today,

what are you gonna talk about, Don? And I said, I don't know. And you know, this guy, great guy, great guy, actually he would turn on me in a second. He said, but you know, I talked to him and he, you know, okay, so he's a killer, this guy, right? He talks to more than five people. Joke.

And then it just, he backed the tariffs. That he doesn't connect that guy to anything. Nothing. He had about, I would say, six full sentences of things that he talked about, about tariffs. And it took him 35 minutes to get through them because within those six sentences was 30 minutes of. Because he had to say, I got a call, very, very rich guy.

You know who he is. He says to me, Mr. President, but you're great builder. Mr. President, I say, you know me for 65 years. I'm not supposed to say, don't tell me how long. Melania's gonna hear how long you've been together. It's like, we all know how old you are, dude. What the fuck are you doing? Melania sees you every day.

She's aware that you're fucking falling apart, man. She's aware that you are just a museum of decay. But it's 65 years. You don't have to call me Mr. President. He goes, call me Don. He goes, okay. And then two minutes later, Mr. President. But, and then that guy was supposed to tell him something

on that phone call, but he got so caught up in the thing about how he won't, he kept calling you, Mr. President, that he just ended it. Felix said, you pointed out, Felix, when he did, he was doing the phone call. He did the Dave Chappelle white guy voice. He did this entire thing about how like people who used to be friends, like clout sharks,

how people who, before he ran for president were, he said, you know, and before, before I run, before I'm president, they go, oh, Donny. But now, you know, I get a phone call and it's like, oh, Mr. President. And I go, oh, Mr., what happened to Donny? What happened to Donny? But it's perfect Chappelle white guy voice.

He like, he was having such a good time. Oh, he was loving it. Here's the moment where like, I felt like just like, I felt juice, like I feel it crept up my spine. I just had a huge smile on my face. Cause I knew we were seeing something special. So like he said, he keeps shutting out Mark Levin from the stage who did like 40 minutes before him.

We didn't see that, but Mark Levin is just like, we did get to hear a few tastes of that master shake voice at the end of the hall. But he is like, he is like the King Dork conservative who's like, again, wraps on constantly about like, the Republic and the intellectual tradition. And then like, and now he's of course just like, he's like weak to try to go more Game of Thrones shit.

But like, he's like this Craven little like courtier, like around actually the book. It's more like that Star Wars, the little guy who lives on fucking Jabba the Hutt. What's his name? Uh, Bologna is, isn't it something like, Severus? Yeah, just, no.

Salacious crumb. Salacious crumb. So Mark Levin's just this like wretched little courtier who like, who again, day to day on the radio has to talk about like the proud, intellectual tradition of conservatism. Then he asked that literally be called out on the stage in the middle of Trump talking about,

this was my favorite moment, Trump talking about how much he loves Tevo. And he goes, he goes, television. I do know, we love to watch television, but watching TV, I gotta say, without Tevo, there's no point. I love the Tevo. I love to Tevo all the shows. I have some ones I forgot.

And you know, I always looked to Andrew Jackson but this election, my election, greater than the election of Andrew Jackson. People are saying, Many have said this. Many have said this. I'm not saying it. Many have said it.

It was like, the moment that really turned me on was in that riff when he was describing his election and the people, he's like, the people, they came from the hills, they came from the valleys, they came from the cities, they all came. Oh, when he's talking about Robert Mueller's like, like Robert Mueller's office. And he goes, Robert Mueller had 13,

including one of whom has the worst reputation in history. It's like, 13 of the angriest Democrats in the world, including a man with the worst reputation of anyone I've ever heard of in the history. He called James Comey. He said, James Comey, bad, bad, dirty cop. He was just feeling himself. He was just so loose.

He spent, again, he spent about 20 minutes on a tangent about his crowd sizes at the inauguration. Yep. And called out Dave Weigel by name on stage. Because this is how slow his mind works. This is how choked with Big Mac sauce his brain is. So we all remember that his first big dumb controversy after his presidency was claiming

that he had the biggest crowd size ever. There's all these photographs, proof. You take a picture of Obama during his inaugurates all the way to the end of the mall. You take a picture of Trump. And it's barely halfway. Yeah, barely. It's like, this is the, and then that one.

The National Mall looks like it's balding. Right, exactly. And so everyone owned him about that. Sean Spicer had to sputter and deflect. And eventually he got over it, moved on to the next thing. And then about a year later, he was at a rally in Florida. And Dave Weigel, Dave, who this guy?

Washington Post, Dave Weigel. He tweeted, oh, it doesn't look like it's a full crowd because he had a picture of Trump coming into the stadium thinking that Trump was gonna speak. But apparently that was earlier and he was just checking out the crowd beforehand. So he got owned in that. That was fake news.

That was real fake news, folks. And so that happened a year later. And now this is what? Four, five, six months after that, now he's connected those two things in his head. And he's like, oh, wait a minute. All those pictures that showed my crowd size wasn't as big during the inaugural.

Those were from hours earlier. And so he's like, I've got the silver bullet and I'm gonna own him. And he's actually talking to Mark Levin in the audience. Like, he's just show. We're gonna have all this on his show. It's gonna be big news. He was the really funny part about the crowd size thing.

He kept talking again with the inauguration. He's like, why don't we just show the clips from the news? We'll show that they're all lying. And in Mercedes, Matt Slap's wife is like in the comms. So Mercedes slap. Mercedes slap. I said, in Mercedes, let's just show. They say, no, Mr. President, don't do it.

And I say, but I wanna do it. I wanna do it. And they say, no, can't do it. Why not? But everyone sees the pictures. But like, what he's really saying there is like his own comms people were like, yeah, we can't do that because we will look like fools.

Because it's self-evidently untrue. So we're just gonna like sort of, you say it and then we're not gonna like defend you on it. Right, everyone's just gonna like move on. Yeah, we're all moving on. Cause he's sitting there thinking that he just owned everyone on the crowdsource crowd size thing. Whereas in reality, everyone just agreed to ignore

that he ever said anything. Yeah, I, my favorite thing of the day, there was like a 10 minute riff on Dave Weigel. But the best part of it was when he destroyed Weigel by pointing out he's too poor to fly private. Yes. Relatable every man Trump. Yeah, that's like, he's still stuck.

Like that's how you knew it was real Donny. Yeah. Cause that's like something he would say is like a New York like real estate piece of shit. Like, oh, gotta fly commercial, huh? Like to say that about a reporter that might have flown out. That might not have flown at a rally at an airport or an airplane hangar, you know, in the middle of the sticks.

But for that crowd, they loved it. Cause they're all a bunch of rich scumbags. Yeah, $2,000 a ticket. I love you. Like in Trump's shitty brain, he's like, Oh yeah, if you're a good enough reporter, they pay you a hundred million dollars and you can charter private whatever you want.

Many people like Dave Weigel. Why does he still have a job? Many people are saying, I'm mad. I'm the mad king. With the mad king, bring up Graydon Carter and set him on fire on stage for you now. Let's do it. We like it.

Let's end Graydon Carter's line. Looks like your Oscar party finally is hot, Graydon. No more bad food for this turkey. We're gonna marry Melania. We're not gonna marry her to Tywin Lannister. Tywin Lannister, why don't you marry your servant's son to your daughter? She's gonna marry Princess Dawn.

Mark Levin. I love to kiss him. I love to kiss Mark Levin. We're gonna hold his hand after the show. And many have said, oh, don't talk about this. We're gonna hatch new dragon eggs. We haven't seen dragons in 200 years. They're coming back.

And we got, I promise, a dragon bigger than Viserion. So, and then like, dude, he was doing like, he was droning on about tariffs. And then like, at one point he was just like, so to wrap things up. And then I was like, okay, we better get out of here because I want to be able to get a car back to, you know, get our bags and make our train

and just get the fuck out of here. I don't want to stay a second longer than I have to. So I was like, do the smart thing. Leave a little bit early. He went on for another hour and a half. And I'm a little disappointed because we missed some of the most insane things he's ever said.

I sort of would have liked to seen it live. But we were like in the car going back, reading about General Raisin Kane. General Raisin Kane. And I was kicking myself. But then again, I was sort of like, I kind of, I got enough of it. I don't know.

I don't know. Raisin Kane, they're like the fruit. But he did have another, before Raisin Kane, he had another, his favorite new aside about meeting hot generals. Oh my God. Well, he said, you know, there was a case of a general being in a movie,

but they didn't give him reward because Hollywood discriminates against our people. He didn't have civilian passing privilege. And he goes, these generals, these generals, they're the best. They're like, they're like perfect people. They're like perfect people. Hollywood couldn't even cast them.

And then he goes into the Raisin Kane thing. And he goes, Raisin, like the fruit. And he doesn't know the thing for the Bible. He doesn't know the phrase Raisin Kane. And like, he just said to the general, what? Like the fruit? And the general clearly just said, yeah. And then he was like, I like you, Raisin.

I like you, Raisin Kane. And then he claimed that he gave Maddus his own nickname. He says, then they were going to call you Mad Dog. And then he was like, it didn't work out. It didn't work out with Mad Dog. He had to go. We set him on fire. Mad Dog, ooh, Mad Dog, Maddus.

That's his barest in selling. Yeah, he had a big chunk where he just talked about how hot our generals are. That's the best type of Trump story is when he meets a hot guy. Like we were talking about, we were talking about when, during the football banquet, the hamburger banquet,

because it's like Trump, all those people there, it's just at CPAC and everyone who goes to his rally is just like, you know, pussy, Tom's over. You fucking queers. And then Trump is there and Trump, like do you remember what he said about the quarterback where he went, I'd like to be the very handsome quarterback's agent.

He's like, he's like Rosalie April. And it's not like gay. It's just like, it's hard. It's just like, he's like an old woman. It's like an old grandma's compliment, like an East Coast grandmother's compliments. Like, ooh. He was just so handsome.

Yeah, oh my goodness. The men just have beautiful, they're babies with the generals in the quarterbacks had a child together. This soft old man mincing around, who's like, ooh, what are you? The general of handsomeness. They're like, yes, this is deus volt.

Yeah, because it's all joke. It's all funny. That's the thing. We were laughing. They were laughing. Everyone was laughing from the same crowd of people who chastise us for daring to laugh at him as journalists. I also overheard one of them just under their voice,

just whisper, God, he's so funny. And that's the thing is that it's all a fucking joke. That's the main thing that I got from CPAC. I said, like, the die is cast. The system is in violet. It cannot be defeated. It cannot be undermined. It will go until it runs out of resources,

and then it will collapse, and we will be the last people to suffer for it. And in the meantime, we're just gonna entertain ourselves with this theater known as politics, and we're all gonna have a fun time. And the reason I felt so gross is that I just felt like, and in a broad sense,

I was part of this same sort of sterile media ecosystem of just assholes all yucking it up. When we were laughing at Jacob Wall being a complete oaf with his amazing shit about fucking Illinois Mar, it's like, I don't think I would've found it so funny if I was a Somali, you know? Like, people are fucking putting pictures of her

with fucking 9-11 next to them, and some psycho's probably gonna try to kill her, because the politics is acting upon the lives of all these other people. Meanwhile, we were just hanging out with people who are just immune to that, who are in the bubble, and are just really happy about it and enjoying it. I mean, the thing is, you know, you go to the thing,

this horrifying spectacle, just of the psychosis you get of having world-spanning empire, people with the most comfortable lives in history, but the most hatred for other types of people, you go there, you get the same inputs they do, you think you're a better person than them, because you have like 10 degrees more of irony ability than they do, and you go home,

you realize this, you see your own futility in the universe, the inescapable path of demise, not just, you know, your nation, but all of mankind, and your relative, how you're gonna walk away from it, relatively unscathed compared to everyone, and you love to see it. Folks, you love to see it. You love it!

We love it! Here is my revelation, it's that God is real, and is disgusted by us, therefore no salvation will come to America, and no salvation is deserved. My project now is to attempt to create my own God, my own Ursox God, to provide me with the salvation that I need. Okay, that's the, everyone's mission needs to be

to find and resurrect a God. Yeah. Let's get on with those sacred games, folks. All right, I'm going for fertility gods, what do you guys got? I'm always like the sea, not being in it, just the concept of it. Just one of the old ones, probably.

All right, go for it, go for it. Do some more ketamine and watch Aquaman. Okay. If the sea gods were like Aquaman, that'd be pretty. I'll try anything at this point. My revolution wasn't quite as soul crushing, or maybe a little bit more banal,

but I feel like I've sort of grasped this subtly before, but seeing Trump on stage, and everyone laughing, and just putting on this show, and all of his zingers, like I really realized that Trump, like these people are loathed by normal people, they get their hats knocked off when they go in public, they feel like they've gotten what they want, but it takes like, yeah, dogs bark at me,

like Richard III, and they got what they want in Trump and owning the libs, but it's like ashes in their mouth, because nobody respects them or likes them, and the culture could not be further away from them, and they're just mad that Jimmy Fallon or Kim Olmick's one of them, but what I really realized seeing Trump on stage

is like Trump is their late night TV host. Like he's their political comedian, who makes one of the people they hate, and who gives them all the zingers, and you know that they like. Like he's like, he did a two hour monologue for a fucking late night TV show. That's what that speech felt like.

He drops those sweet tweets, like it's like he holds the cultural space of all of these smug comedians who liberals used to feel sane. And that's what really struck me about it, was how devoid of conservatism CPAC was. And as we were talking about it afterwards at Paddy O'Wong's, Matt says to me,

well, yeah, that's right. There's no conservative project anymore. It's just, we're just kind of waiting out the clock here. Yeah, it was immediately apparent about how empty of any ideas anything was, and even when something had like the faintest grasp towards like an idea or a project in any of the panels, how utterly unreceivable it was,

how it was just crickets in the audience. No one cares, no one has any interest in any of that shit. It's only the comedians that they have. It's only the jokers. And they just want to hear like cow farts, soy. Just like, yeah, like the punch line. AOC is dumb enough. AOC is stupid, yeah.

I mean, again, I would just say that like, it was an interesting experience. I certainly had fun going on a field trip with the gang. Yeah, I loved it. But again, like, and I squander up with the homies. Where, you know, like Michael Corleone says, I guess part of the same hypocrisy. And that like, you know, we make entertainment out of this

and it's funny to us, but making fun of these people is insufficient. It really like, it's almost like you can't do it. No, I mean, it's funny for us, but like. It's like, not only is it, not only does it not do anything, it's a necessary part of this crebs cycle of spectacle. Like they need the people to get mad at them

or to get triggered by them or to make fun of them to give them grist for the next round of spectacle that they sell to their fucking fans and their donors. Which is precisely why they credentialed us in the first place. Exactly. So, I mean, I would say that like, you know, even though like, I think we've been pretty clear

or aware of this even from like, you know, the first episode, they're like, you know, this is entertainment. We're doing entertainment about politics, but I would hope that, you know, this doesn't lead you to the same nihilism that we saw on display at the Gaylord Convention Center that, you know, that, look, if you aren't a nihilist and you believe in something

or you want a better future, then you must organize to defeat these people. Well, that was the only thing. And like, and I would say, like I said, the contrast with the people, the 13,000 who showed up for Bernie and the sunrise activists that we just randomly met at that bar,

I mean, like, if you believe in something, that's what you should be doing. Well, that was the only thing that really gave me hope because in the past, what Seabag was about was railing against this status quo, railing against this, you know, big government and this cultural decadence. Now they're defending it against new ideas,

against a green new deal and the promise of remaking through mass action the very basis of our society. And to my point about like the feeling I had walking through the Smithsonian Hall of Presidents and just realizing like, oh, like, it's all been leading to this. It's just, it's a joke.

It renders Donald Trump being president, renders everything that came before it, farcical. It's like, yeah, like that's terrifying in a certain way, but it's also like hugely liberating, you know? And like we're at a moment where like, you know, the, again, we're back to the socialism or barbarism, but like, yeah, like all this old shit is like dying. They know it.

It's in this like this horrible death rattle where it's all a joke, but at the same time, like a different future is graspable. It's right there in front of you and more and more people are realizing it who want to experience, want to feel something other than just like hatred for your fellow man.

Which is what these people believe in. I mean, like, if that's the closest thing to what these people actually believe in is just hatred. And like they are swine. The conservative movement, or we said it in the book, I'm going to restate it again, now I've seen these fucking people, they're top to bottom swine and they have to be defeated.

It's contempt for who they view as weaker than them. That's it. I mean, and of course that's mostly just a joke because most, they're just these costly little fontleroids, but you know, the capital has given them armor and they want to use it like fucking mechs to destroy everybody else. And earlier I said that the feeling of like glib smugness

of certain victory haunted the place. If there is one thing that they are scared of and say it over and over, it's socialism. That's true. It's the one thing that they are on the attack about. Well, I mean, that's the thing is like- It's not the lib, it's not liberals, it's not mainstream Democrats, it's socialism.

I mean, obviously they've been calling like, you know, when Obama was president at CPAC, like the big line was like, you know, Obama's a socialist, Obama's bringing socialism. So like they're going to call- Anything socialist. Any kind of even tepid liberalism, socialism. But at the same time, like now that we are experiencing

like the very beginnings of like a genuine socialist moment in this country, like I said, I heard the word socialism probably 10 to 20 times more than I heard the word liberal, Democrat or progressive. So like they're aware of it and you should be as well. That like socialism is the only thing that is standing against these people and what they stand for.

Yep. So either you're going to be a part of that or you're just going to fucking be along for the ride. All right, close this out. Yeah, let's do a new character. Yep. CPAC nerd. Okay.

Of course, this is a vintage speech by Mark Levin. He was like, make some illusions to Rome, but through the, through of course, the obligatory prism of the founding fathers. Of course, it is obligatory to mention that in this space at one time Michael Savage was here and he had a quite emotional performance. You will see Peter Brimlow in the crowd.

He's, of course, it goes without saying that he has some of the most interesting hair stylings over CPAC. He was, one must wonder what the creators were thinking when they designed his hair or if it shows something that there was something wild about his character. This is a very, very, very rare David Limbaugh book. Well gang, you know, it's just, once again,

I just feel like a brotherhood in kinship that can only come from seeing hell with your friends. Yeah. Hell of a good time. Hell of a good time indeed. We are all damned. That's cool. Well, you know, not necessarily.

No, I mean, I actually, that was liberating. I was feeling like, okay, yeah, I'm like John Wayne at the end of the searchers where he can't come back into the cabin, you know, but I'm still going to fight. God damn it. Every time Matt does drugs. You heard of Matt is John Wayne canceled. Shit, fuck.

He has all John Wayne's opinions. No. No, but yeah, that's the only choice is to fight. Even if you assume the outcome is set. I mean, what the fuck else are you doing? Yeah. So yeah. Grab the sticks and shut up and game.

CPAC, choppo, judgment days. See ya. All right. All right. Do it, do it, do it.