Chapo Trap House - 320 - Live from Berlin: Der Fonkybeatz (6/3/19)

Episode Date: June 3, 2019

Our June 1st live show from Berlin, the heart of Germany's wonderful PLUR culture. We talk funky beats, the antideutsche political tendency, Austria's far-right government self-owning itself out of existence (also involves funky beats), and the Jewishness of Joe Biden.

Berlin! Hello! Berlin, Germany! Berlin, Germany, we are here kicking off our European tour. This is our first ever show outside of the sweet warm bosom of our United States. I'm not used to doing a show without my, you know, traditional 45-ounce refillable beverage. I just want to, you know, a quick note before we get started. If you're hearing this show in English, thank an American. Yeah, no, this is dangerous for us because, you know, we've been here now in Berlin about two and a half, three days. Yeah, I sound like that.

And, yeah, I never want to go back. I can say with straight authority now, coming from New York City, the number one greatest, classiest, world-class city in the world. Yankees. Yankees, number one, Jets, Metz, Jets, Rangers, Knicks. Berlin is now number one city, friendship with New York canceled. Honestly, you say that now, but in two weeks we'd have done all of their drugs and would just have to leave. I know it has kicked the shit out of New York City in just about every regard, but it is an honor and a joy to be with you here in Germany, in Berlin.

And, you know, when I was thinking about, you know, plotting out this show and wondering, what are we going to do? What are we going to talk about? I've had a nightmare for a month now of just absolutely bombing to a crowd of just stone-faced German people that politely clapped, but I've been assured they have not been allowed in the venue tonight. So I had a fantasy of bombing for an hour and a half and then being approached by very earnest, sincere people after the show who just come up to me and say, yes, that was the most comedic experience of my life. Thank you. And to prevent that, that's why we have banned black socks and sandals.

Yeah, it's like one of those New York City club dress codes where they were like, no flat brim hats, no white t-shirts, no work boots, no later hoses. No, so I was thinking like, well, what are we going to talk about for the show? And I was like, oh, the, you know, the EU elections just happened, you know, like this is it. Got to, got us some material on the EU elections. And then I realized like that, that shit is boring as fuck and I don't know literally anything about it. I think I'm just going to be an American who's really into only the EU elections, no specific European politics. And I'm going to like be like one of those annoying American thread posters and be like,

all right, y'all, Peter Kaschmunernick tried to warn y'all. Let's put on our condom because we're going to get nutty. I'm going to break it down for you. So, yeah, yeah, rather than, rather than talking about the European Union or, you know, I don't know what's going on there. I think you guys should just, you know, fix the problems. Fix the problems with that, in my opinion. Well, they just had the EU elections and they, you won. Congratulations. Yeah, Europe won again. What a shock. I'm beginning to think it's rigged. Better luck next season, Asia. Every single person in Europe voted for Tiesto again.

So instead of that, you know, I think we'd like to begin by sharing some of our observations, again, made over a 48-hour period that I now think basically represents a final judgment, you know, an authoritative opinion on the people of Germany and its culture, you know, filtered through our completely ignorant and blinkered world views. And the way I'd like to begin is, like, how to describe Germany or what the experience of Germany is or what we were expecting coming here, because this is my first time. And the only thing I can say is a phrase that has been obsessing us over the last 72 hours. It's a phrase. It's an ideology. It's a way of life. It's a mindset, if you will.

And all that I can describe, all I can say, all it is, is the phrase, it's not a totally alien concept because, you know, dedicated listeners will know this is a sort of variant of the good vibes that we relentlessly promote on our show. That's just German for good vibes. It's a country devoted to producing and enjoying funky beats. It's good vibes with German characteristics. No, when we were, Matt, Will and I took a train from Amsterdam to Berlin, and, you know, that whole time, you know, we were getting real antsy, you know, just, when are we going to get there? When are we going to get the funky beats?

Where are the funky beats? We got them. We got them as soon as we arrived. As soon as he stepped off the platform, like, just some sort of, like, apple-cheeked goofus, again, wearing socks and sandals, handed us a flyer. He goes, yeah, you will come to club UFO tonight. See, this is a rave. So, yeah, I feel like, you know, arriving here in Germany and performing, flying over here, it's like, what's the historical analogy?

During the Iran-Iraq war, the Reagan administration shipped Saddam Hussein the chemical precursors necessary to create sarin gas. We're doing that except for irony. We are giving you the German comedic culture, the chemical precursors necessary to begin the production of irony-based humor and memes. And we knew that you would need this because as soon as we got here, we were walking down the street and there was a placard on the side of a wall or a comedy show, and it said, the satire show.

Yeah, I like... I think it's adorable. Doing this show here, I feel like, if this spreads at all, which it shouldn't, hopefully, I feel like Oppenheimer, because... Like, the most insane shit in Germany, like, I've never seen... When I get back, I will be watching German sitcoms to relax, but what is your political comedy? It's a drawing of Angela Merkel sitting on a whoopee cushion,

and the whoopee cushion says monetary policy, and people are like, is there such a thing as comedy going too far? I have been watching a few German sitcoms at the hotel. I've been watching at the select hotel in the gender market, which, very progressive of you to have, I think that's super cool. And so I've gotten to check out their most popular shows, like, I think it's called Defokteren, which is about a manufacturing plant that works efficiently.

It would be cool to be a German TV reviewer, and you have to review curb your enthusiasm. You're like a German boomer, and you're like, I don't see... You just have that guilt, and you're like, I don't see anything wrong with how he conducts himself in these situations. I think he's totally right. I did watch a bit of what appeared to be a German game show, and it got weird when they all started shitting,

but it's just the culture, I guess. No, similar to shipping Saddam Hussein, nerve gas, shipping Germany, irony, Matt, did you remember you told me what happened after that? You said it wouldn't matter, because the Israelis would bomb it immediately. Oh, yes. Yes, they would bomb the reactor. The irony rethcore. They would bomb the irony reactor.

But we're a little hesitant to give you this irony that we smuggled past customs, because we don't want to ruin this perfect culture you've created for yourselves. It's been really nice. We were... Basically, the conclusion that we came to is that Germans themselves are adorable. They cannot be left to their own devices. They need supervision.

But really, with just a little bit of supervision, they're great. No, yeah, this is usually the pitbull of countries. You know, it's not the... There's no bad countries. It's just a breed. It's like whether oppression is in charge or not. And I guess Greece is a toddler. No offense, you can't get mad at me specifically. You'll be nice to me, all of you.

Felix has a special stamp on his passport. Oh, this yellow star means I'm a first class visitor. This is the baller star. By the way, that was a T minus 10 minutes before the first H word reference. We'll see how many more we can add. But the other thing we realized... Oh, it's coming back. The other thing we realized is that if we lived here,

and then Matt Virgil and I spent some time in Amsterdam before coming over here, it's sort of experiencing functional sort of Northern European social democracies. By the way, I've been told that just to get some cheap heat, I should just shit on the Dutch for being stupid and bad. So, yeah, fuck them. Meet up language, like, not real. Fuck you, you sexy tall guys.

You guys suck. But that's just them. When we go to Scotland, we're definitely not going to roast any of you. No, wooden shoes are a fucking prank. It's like, yeah, no, we totally wear wood on our feet. Oh, my God, he believes in me with a moron. No, but we realized that experiencing the generally higher quality of life here and just more functional sort of society,

we realized that if we lived here, we couldn't do the show. In no way. You start reading a Megan McCartle article, and I'd be like, you know, that's just her opinion. We need everyone's entitled to their own. There's a constant, if you live in America, there's just a constant tension and shitty feeling all the time. And it's not really like, you guys probably have some equivalent to that,

and it's like, you know, some big stream. Well, I do think Germans have a few issues to be fair. Well, I mean, besides the obvious one, it's probably some really European bullshit. Your dad, he didn't buy you a slightly bigger wagon in 1982. Some naked argument you had with your dad about who damaged the fishing rod. But it's nothing compared to the constant feeling of hatred and anxiety in America. And I don't think we could do literally fucking anything.

I've never had the moment of regretting my lot in life and wishing I was good at literally anything other than just posting until I came here and realized there was a different life I could have had. If I could have known engineering or fucking computers or anything, yeah, but no, I'm just stuck in the country where we kill each other over headphone arguments. It's fine. Instead of having everyone issued a state headphone, every year if you lose it, you just file the report and then it comes the next day.

A friendly Apple cheek man on a little scooter shows up at your house with a little bow tie on your headphones. There are no, like... No need to beat up Cherry Dunk after all. Yeah, no, you guys have Facebook guys, they're called Bavarians, but they're not as negative. Our guys are always like, Oh, Cherry Dunk's a fucking pussy.

But the worst thing Cherry Dunk can do to you is if he takes your headphones here is just make you fill out a form and you guys like doing that anyway. Yeah, no, being here has had sort of strange and salutary effects on all of our mindsets. So it's like this, when you live in America, you just have this kind of background noise in your head at all times that makes you hold your fellow man in utter contempt. You've ever been to New York, the experience of living there, you know, walking down the street, going to the stores,

one of seeing a total stranger who's not like doing anything to you or interacting with you in any way and just thinking, Fuck you. Fuck you. And just like picturing them falling into a man hole. No, that's true. I saw a guy the other day and he had some sort of cascading, blonde, Prince Valiant haircut with like a perfectly straight, like, bull thing.

And I just thought, if I was in America, I would want to murder you. Yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah. You would be red faced and screaming immediately. I would have to like bite my fucking wallet to prevent myself from pushing in front of a bus. But now I think you're kind of adorable. I saw like a middle-aged German businessman, he looked like all middle-aged German businessmen do, which is he looked like a happy Stephen Paddock.

But he was wearing a blazer and khaki shorts and just like literally walking like this. He's the man on the street crossing sign. Yeah, that's his job. Oh, I have another modeling gig. But yeah, if I saw that guy in Manhattan, first of all, I'd be mad at whatever speed he was walking at, it would irritate me. But I'd be like, fuck you, you piece of shit.

You probably fucking work for Goldman Sachs, so your fucking shitty kid can go to vlogging school. But I saw that guy who probably does have an evil job, just judging by his jaunt. And I was like, oh, having a night, you gonna go get some sandwiches for your family? Have a great day, Gooter. We didn't expect this because in New York,

we hate Germans because of the worst tourists. Yeah, because they're too slow. No, they're just this lumbering, teutonic fucking, they're like a piece of driftwood in a middle of a rushing river and they're caught on some rocks. Everyone else, it's like, do you not see the Italians and the Puerto Ricans and just everyone else just zipping by you, and they're like, oh, I'm going to take a picture.

But you understand it's because they bring Germany with them. Because if you were in Germany and they were doing that, you wouldn't mind. You'd be like, you know what, it's actually nice out. In New York, first of all, how does your economy even function? Well, we know how it does. You all appear to be on vacation six months out of the year in Bed-Stuy, taking pictures of biggie smalls murals, being 12 feet tall in everyone's way and moving us, I don't know how to move that slowly.

But here, it works. Felix, you said about that guy, he looked like Steven Paddock if he was just actually wanted to go to a Jason Aldean concert. Well, yeah, no, the Steven Paddock of Germany is the guy who threw Germany's largest like unpredictable surprise party for his nephew. All right, well, you know, they like the Uncle Jokes more in America. Fuck you, you know, you guys have always said you guys are social fascists. Once I find out what that means, that's what the fuck you guys are.

Suck my dick, dude. Take back everything nice I said. I want to read to you some messages I sent to everyone at nine in the morning. Berlin is probably the apex of civilization. It's just so efficient, yet decadent. We have constructed a perfect machine that does nothing. Enjoy. Thanks to the EU Constitution, every German has the inalienable right to get naked at 1800 hours and watch a play about magicians who kiss each other.

Then go to Der Fonkie Beats and dance in due ecstasy for 36 hours straight before reporting promptly to their job at the paperwork factory. And that's how the economy works. So we've been imbibing some chemicals and today Virgil was very worried he didn't have bones? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So we've been doing some chemical precursors left over from the Iran or Iraq war. We're nothing if not scientists. Don't worry, all your ketamine is safe for human consumption. We figured it out. Your king is now safe to get high.

Yeah, I woke up at some hour. There's a 24 hour clock here that I've been bothered to learn to figure out. It doesn't matter. Time is an illusion and everything that has passed will pass again. And, you know, I'm in this, you know, totally black room and I realize, oh, I haven't eaten. Do I need to do that still? Do I have blood? No, I don't think so. And I realize, well, I don't need to eat. And I'm just sort of an automaton that's just functioning purely with just chemicals I put in my body to change my mood. It's just kind of like a weekend at Bernie's and I'm getting propped up by speed and ketamine. But, you know, you weren't mad about it. You're like, oh, I'm a machine now.

Yeah, no, of course. Why would I be mad about it? It's great. But then we got some pizza and I'm like, oh, okay, I do this. All right. Yeah, don't worry, everybody. Virgil's still a confirmed human. Well, yeah, speaking of this, we have, you know, taken full advantage of all of the absolute world-class top clubs in the world here in Berlin. Hell, yes. I'm talking about Club Mr. Sexy. That is no Y in that sexy. Two I's. Very cool. Professor Hip Hop. I love that place.

Hey, our super friend. Yeah. Just Club Reggae Hip Hop. Club Funk Society. Very cool. We make fun of this stuff, but there actually was a gym that we went by for, like, larger women called Mrs. Sporty. And it's like, that's the most German fucking thing I've ever seen in my life. Every other restaurant here is the actual version of Felix's joke about a dumb, rich guy trying to start a business whose idea is, it's like a pizza place with a nightclub vibe. No, yeah, that is literally, yeah, literally every restaurant here.

Gordon Ramsay couldn't exist in your country because there are no failing restaurants. Every place is called- Like, the government feels bad and subsidizes every place. Yeah, we bring a hip hop vibe to mac and cheese. Every place is called, like, a turbo burger. Yeah, there's literally a fucking place called Burger Vision. That's a mean burger. I was trying to remember that. It was fucking Burger Vision.

That to me, it was more powerful than just seeing fucking Jesus Christ in the middle of the road for me. It was one of the most powerful moments of my life. Every restaurant here, you know, fucking, you know, laser pizza and shit, is so- I don't know why, because the opposite of your country for, you know, a lot of reasons, but Israel. They have a similar naming convention where all their restaurants are called, like, Pizza Disco. And, like, you know, Chicken Fiesta. But they're completely un-chill. It's all guys in Capri pants shoving each other. But your restaurants are all guys in Capri pants, like, smiling at each other in total silence.

It could be more different. We actually had to spend an extra day in Amsterdam because the day we had booked our train to Berlin, we were cock-blocked by a single-day national rail strike. And I was like, I was like, yeah, yeah, exactly. Worker power, solidarity with labor unions, strikes of any kind would never cross any picket line. Save for one that mildly inconveniences my travel schedule. And I was petitioning the king of the Netherlands to arrest these criminals who are stopping these beautiful, wonderful trains from the Pinkertons never got back to me, those motherfuckers.

Oh, no, you had to stay in Amsterdam an extra day and do drugs. No idea. Well, actually, this is my funny drug experience in Amsterdam. It's a country where you can buy mushrooms over the counter, but jewel pods are illegal. So that was funny, and one day Matt and I went to the Vondelpark in Amsterdam and wandered around beautiful park, yeah, tripping balls. And I got recognized twice. Did you or did you just feel like you saw you?

Did you just feel seen? No, people came, are you Will Menaker? And the first time I was like coming on, and I was like, yeah, okay, yeah, it's me, hi. The second time, just peeking, and the guy was like, oh my God, are you Will Menaker? And I just thought like, am I? I don't... What is Will Menaker? And he was like, oh, I'm sorry for being a dork or whatever.

And I'm like, in my head, I'm thinking you're sorry for being a dork. I'm pouring sweat and just trying to make sound into word thought speak. But to get back to... Let me add to that, our friend Adam from this podcast that's banned in your country called Come Back. You need a VPN to listen to that one. He just came up with this really, really smart idea in New York, of course. Our daily exercise is trying to avoid others at all costs. And he said, you know, if someone comes up to you and you just don't want, no...

What's the clipboard people who want to solicit you for like, oh, do you have a second for the environment? Do you have a second for this or that? And they sort of follow you down the street and try to engage you in conversations so that you can give them your credit card. And that's just why I wear a rape whistle. Well, Adam's idea is just say to them, I'm on mushrooms right now. And of course, that would probably work in New York. Here, though, you know, everyone is very nice and invested in each other's pleasure.

If someone comes up to you and says, hey, you will manic her. I'm a big fan. Just say, I'm on mushrooms right now. And they say, oh, wonderful. What can I do to improve your experience? Would you like some orange juice? You feel like you're coming way too up. Would you care for some human contact? All right, so let's let's return to their funky beats. We haven't even told the full story. Yeah, this is our mantra.

Funky beats, uber, alice. I was literally promised, I mean, not threatened with techno. With techno. I friend of mine said, you're going to end up in a warehouse full of techno. And I'm like, no, I'm not. No, I'm fucking not. I am punk. These people are nerds. There are white people with dreadlocks. They can't dance and it's bad music.

No, I'm not going to be in a warehouse techno party. By the way, six hours later. So we actually did get. Yeah, I would say a fairly authentic Berlin funky beats scenario. We got cocky with the funky beats that is so wildly out of my frame of reference. But I was just, you know, going with the flow. So essentially, this is a credit to our friend, Julia, or Julia, if you're German. Who was like, yeah, I think I think I know my friends, like they do, they do a radio show at this like warehouse and they have a party after.

And we go there to the address and it's like, you know, one, one, two, three, something, Strasser. And instead of a building, it's just basically this like giant wrought iron gate. And behind the gate is just darkness, absolute darkness. There is nobody on the street. Nobody. Absolutely desolate. By the way, if this was in New York, we would be like, we need to call 911 right now. Yeah.

Oh, no, no, that's the thing. We were in Brownsville or something. There was to be like, we have to get out of here, but because it's Berlin, we're just like, I mean, maybe we'll make some new friends. Because of the chill vibes. No, if I was, if I was dropped off in any place in the United States, black parking lot with like a cinderblock building in the background, I would think, oh, murdered. I will be murdered. Yeah, I will. I will be murdered.

That's where they make leather from humans. Yes. Yeah, I will think. Instead, I was just like, my head was saying, you should be very scared right now. Yes. My body was like, no, dude, it's fine. We entered it with perfect love and perfect trust. Yeah.

And then as we were wandering around eventually through one of the walls. Well, here's the thing, like, yeah, we're going just, you know, into darkness of what essentially appears to be like a disused parking lot where they rent U-Haul vans outside of Brownsville or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah, just like white vans. It's just some kind of office park. It's like, it's like, it's a set from a latter era Steven Segal movie. The ones where it doesn't get out of an office chair that were funded by, like, Bulgarian gangsters. And we were trying to find, you know, where to go, like, what's going on here. And then, of course, Julia says, like, oh, I don't know.

I've never been here before. And I'm thinking, like, great. Another tip. Still weren't alarmed at all. Yeah, another tip that in New York City, I was just abort, abort, abort. No, Eddie, no, that exact same experience anywhere in America, I just think, oh, so this is how I die. I might as well spend a few minutes to think about the decisions that led to this point. Yeah, so then, you know, we've been drinking earlier.

So then, you know, of course, I needed to pee, no bathrooms, oh, public urination. You know, and I was hassled by the police for taking a leak in public, but then they very gently and kindly explained to me that, you know, in Germany, you're really, if you're going to pee in public, you have to do it in someone's mouth. This is grievous waste of value in my mouth. There are designated areas for it. So we're wandering around this empty... No, that is a right established in the EU Constitution.

The right to piss if you're a pig. This is like Thursday or Wednesday or something. We're wandering around this empty parking lot. And again, not a soul inside. We have no...it's a very, very big building and none of the entrances seem to work. But then we hear very faintly some funky beats. There they are. And it was kind of ephemeral?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We didn't know where, but we heard the funky beats. It was like we were playing a game of warmer, colder... I was afraid it was...this is like a mirage in the desert. We had conjured up these funky beats. But no, even though we're wandering around... You hear them too? We were like, no.

We're not going to give up because we can hear them. We know they're there. There's funky beats in them and our hills. There's an ocean of funky beats under our feet. And then we found them, eventually. In this office park. In this office park with a nightclub vibe. And then it wasn't even the party or people that we were expecting to meet.

But, you know... It was a different...there were different funky beats. It was a different crew. But yeah, we went in anyway, got our hands stamped and like I walked into like... Essentially someone's apartment that's been retrofitted into a nightclub environment. Something with like a smoke... Something with a nightclub feel. Smoke, machine, blaring.

And at this point, I was only gone off beer. I'm off that Pilsner right now. Woo! I'm going wild out at the club, you know? Stepping into a rave atmosphere where you're not on E or something. Felt as depraved to me as that scene in Eastbound and Down Season 1 where they go to the school dance on Ecstasy. Where it's the reverse. But just in reverse.

Like I felt depraved and out of place. But as soon as we're there, funky beats, we're tearing up the dance floor. Can you imagine this? Me, Virgil, Matt and Amber were the best dancers in that entire room. By far! We might be the best dancers in this country. You have an entire economy based off of their funky beats and no one can dance. Like I got out of the stage and I got out of the dance front and I'm like, oh boy, here we go again.

The sad thing, I can't really move my leg so I just kind of have to sway back and forth and move my arms. And then I look around and I'm like, oh my god, that's what literally everyone else is doing. And none of them have a fucking disability excuse. And the feelings were like super, apparently like nervous or something too. So like there were only like three people on. And our energy brought more people together. Brought more people on a dance floor. They were like, oh well, obviously these incredibly cool amazing American dancers.

There's going to be a reverse operation paper clip where we, you guys get Chris Brown. That's your Werner von Braun. Should we donate Bruno Mars to journey? Is he ours to give? I think so. No, we tried, we gave them Milly Vanilly and they just, they ruined them. So you know, originally feeling self-conscious about being out of place. And then of course, you know, we're dancing, having a good time.

And then we discovered this sort of like side room. Yeah, yeah, so we do what everyone says, which is, oh, if you want drugs, just like ask people at a club and like eventually you'll figure something out. Again, in New York City, absolutely. No, no, no. No, no, no. Different vibe. If you ask somebody for drugs in New York, you are just like, you're about one step away from buying into their herbal life scam. You're never going to get what you want ever there.

And so we come in, yeah, we come into contact with this guy, this like Russian guy, Christian, who's rolling or something. He's very enthusiastic, very much enjoys us. There are a lot of Russians. Yeah, a lot of Russians, yeah. That's when the vibes kind of, they were still funky, but a different story. The Russians can't really channel their funky beats. The vibes took a turn at that moment because I was feeling, you know, I already feel like a dork because like, you know, can't speak the language and like, you know, I'm just telling people do speak English. You felt like a dork in that setting.

I felt like James fucking Dean in that setting. Well, I'm just asking people to take pity on me and saying, you know, I'm from America, I'm baby. You know, please, please help, please treat me like a baby cuckoo bird. Oh wait, speaking of the dorkiness, Matt Ember and I, it was just like fucking about a million degrees in there. So we went in the staircase just to get some fresh air and we're just like sitting there in the corner like laughing to ourselves and about their funky beats. And as we're doing this, a guy exits the club carrying a staff, like a wizard's staff. Okay, but he was dressed like this guy, like normal. Yeah, he didn't have a cloak or anything.

It was a decorative staff. He wasn't clad in a rough spun. There wasn't a disability use of the staff. He was just like, okay, I'm going to accessorize. And then he went really hard the first time. Well, he had a chaleli and I was like, damn, Germany's so safe, they took the wooden detectors out of all the clubs. Even after that guy got turned into a newt. Yeah, but their funky beats vibe really took a turn when this very large Russian woman sort of started threatening Will.

I was bullied by a Russian woman. They're really good at that. They are the best bullies. She sensed the terminator in our group of people. Immediately finds the nicest one of us. The weakness, she just sensed it and zoomed in on me at like six foot five feet tall. And when it turned over, it took over the worst of me and I realized the entire night I'd been out, I was wearing my Mickey Mouse t-shirt. And I realized at that point, she was just like, you are so funny, you are American wearing Mickey Mouse t-shirt.

At that point, I realized, well, you know, I kind of like Mickey is sort of an icon. I agree with all Disney's views on the races. And then I realized I basically should have been wearing a shirt that says like, USA idiot, shithead, number one. Baby who needs treat. She was demanding Alaska, nuclear weapons, and Finland, which America doesn't own. I don't know if she knew that. And she kept saying, oh, and even funny, Matt was wearing a NASA hat. So we came in here dressed in like two, in the dumb costume of like two of the symbols of American hegemony. Thanks for inviting us to your party, everyone.

And then she kept staring, Russia got to the moon before you. And I just said, lady, whatever you say, I'm not going to argue with you about this. Yeah, I mean, I would love to see the dash cam footage of that. I mean, like Russians, I think you're like a lot of Russians infiltrate your funky clubs. Because they can like, I mean, they have a similar taste, but like Russian techno is like, it's very like nice. Like your titles are like, even when you think you're being aggressive, it's called like, you know, bikini sexy party mix. And Russia's are like, kill your wife mix. This is, no, this is your Russian interference. This is what the SPD is obsessed with now.

You're producing a 600 page report about Russian infiltration and funky beats. Mr. Mr. Mueller, there's been a Russian DJ at Club Bikini Smile. This is not normal. I want to round this one out. So that guy, Christian, who's in the group with the woman who tortured Will, he was really enthusiastic. I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll get you drugs. I love you. So great. We'll do it together. And then he just, I watch him scurry around and then actually like talk to a bunch of people. And then I kind of halfheartedly follow him and talk to those people and they're like, no, I'm sorry.

So, but I mean, so he was enthusiastic, just not helpful. Well, to close out the funky beats, Virgil, do you want to share the club reviews now? Let's do that in the next half. We've got on for a bit. Okay. Or we can close out talking about the anti-Deutch political tendency in this. Okay, that sounds like it's a banger. All right, all right, all right. Well, I mean, this will be a quick one with this. This is something I learned about. Yeah, Will did not know what this was.

I learned about this very recently. And I got to say now it is by far my favorite wacko leftist political tendency for sure. And it was just like, they're the leftist who love America and Israel, I guess, is how you could sum it up. And bad vibes, not funky beats there. And it's just like, and it's like, It's not funky. It is like sort of the perfect shitty political synthesis because it's like, how could I get something as sort of like irritating and shitty as like sort of like DIY spaces.

And but then could I add Zionism to that? Which is, it's weird. It's kind of a misnomer because if you told me about a movement called the anti-American movement, I'd be like, okay, yeah, correct. These things are like good guys. But if you told me there was an anti-American movement, it would just seem like, you know, a 2001 like GeoCities page with like a skeleton rotating on the American flag. And it'd be like, you know, best anti-Bush parody songs. We're redoing Crazy Town to be against Bush. And that would still be cooler than the anti-Deutsch movement.

Oh, absolutely. No, this is like 2002 Kirsten Cinema. Yeah, yeah, no, but I don't know. They do seem like a very contrarian movement. So in that sense, I like them. It is like, it is just like, it's like someone got into a very protracted argument with another person. And then all the positions they took to win the argument, they're like, well, I have to live those principles for the rest of my life. Yes, I'm a Zionist. Yes, I'm an anarchist. They painted themselves into a corner.

Yeah, but we figured out how we could like kind of talk this out of them. Yeah. We need a tour of at least Germany with Felix and Adam. Yes, me and Adam Friedland will be the diamond and silk of your country. And yeah, Felix will be the one of them that talks. And then Adam will be the other one that just sort of nods emphatically and just sort of underscores the points by being like, that's right. He's right, you know. You really have to play it up here. But yeah, you could just tour Germany and England. They have a lot of this similar problem.

You just have to like tell them like, like, no, you can you can get over this bullshit seriously. They're funky juice. I mean, like that if there is any message we could bring on the diamond and silk tour, like look, no one has any illusions that like Germany is going to lead the debate on Israel and Palestine. Like we get it off there. Maybe just don't say anything. You don't have to care about it. That is the message I would give every German. You don't have to give a shit. That's the Felix and I compromise that we agreed on. Not like you don't have to be ambivalent about the ballastian struggle, but like you don't have to care about it.

Like you don't have to make a show of liking Israel. That's what I would tell the average German. I don't care if you like it. Doesn't affect me. In fact, don't like it. It sucks. And I would say to the anti-Deutsch people, loving America, it's like, fuck you, buddy. I have to live there. Yeah. Okay. I think the anti-Deutsch people should have to, they should have to do like a residency in Ohio and then see what they think. It would be like a scared straight program.

They have to live with Jerry Dunk. They have to steal copper wiring. They have to sleep on a hot couch for months. They have to go to a fucking American hospital. They got to try to fill 15 Oxycontin prescriptions in the same day. If I met someone from the anti-Deutsch movement and they explained to me their whole deal, which by the way, I do not want to do after this show. No, leave us alone. I would just think, oh, oh, you're creating a dramatic circumstance to distract you from your ennui. That's really cool. I dig that and I wish you the best with it. Would you like a massage?

I'd just be like, great shit, man. That was dope. All right. Well, I think that brings us to the end of the first half of the show. We're going to take a quick break. But by way of introducing our intermission, we're continuing with their funky beats. Before we left for Europe, we created an intermission video that is our own original choppo trap house boiler room set. So this is the world premiere of these choppo funky beats. These might be the funkiest beats ever recorded. The choppo funky beats boiler room party featuring a lot of friends and secret guests, but most importantly, the beer nerd. So we'll be back in like 10 minutes, but please enjoy, DJ, drop that beer as well.

All right. Okay. So as promised from the first act, I'd like to just start off this one by continuing to talk about a little bit about sort of Berlin Club culture, which is what we're here for. It's what you guys are famous for. And basically, like what I realized is that the bouncers at these like ultra exclusive nightclubs have more power than like the mayor of Berlin. They're the last just like true unchecked authority other than, of course, Angela Merkel and the EU. So, what are you taking away here? Oh, yeah. So going around, we've been asking people like which club to go to, who has the funkiest beats and on which nights, and also checking the reviews on their Google for the clubs. And I always love checking the one star reviews of anywhere that you might go.

Because we in America, of course, have a very strong complaints culture. We don't have any political power. So we like to make other people unhappy. Yeah, that's exactly it. It's like in this is an aside, I have a new proposal that I think would be very effective to we create a cabinet level complaints department. And, you know, we hire like 100,000 bureaucrats to man the phone lines and they just tie up our nation's reserve of reserves of wine moms and pissed guys. And it's whatever complaint that you have, no matter how moronic. There's someone there to field your call. Yes, yeah. We'll get to that. So, I just want to read to you just a couple reviews of a club which is called... Sorry, I don't speak the language. Salons or Vilden Renat?

No, you say that now. You've all had good experiences there. That's fine. The door policy is fine. Okay, well, these people did not have a good experience. It translates to astrophunky good time place. Okay, this is Sam Hagadoran, absolute scam of a club. Wasted money in advance for tickets and was denied entrance for absolutely no reason. Girls with me were allowed in, but bouncers were complete imbeciles, not allowing any of my male friends in. Do not purchase tickets for this venue. I would rather swallow a razor than find myself at this club. I mean, he sounds like a crank, but also, did he say that he bought tickets and then they wouldn't let him in? What the fuck is that?

I'm going to go ahead and say there's a little more to the story. I would hope so, because that just sounds like a rip-off. Yeah, well, he probably showed up with his dick out or something. I mean, fuck, I'm going to sell tickets. They wouldn't let him in if that was the case. I'm going to sell tickets. Not if it was a bad dick. It was a bad dick, that's why.

I'm going to sell tickets to a club, don't let anybody in, and then I don't have to make the club. Just paint a door on a wall. Obviously, clubs are premised usually if they're straight clubs on keeping a higher female-to-male ratio. I mean, they do like sausage parties here, but the literal kind. I mean, you can't expect them. Oh, okay, there's your money-making solution. Okay, so I started a club called Club Females, and I only let in women, but for a million dollars, one man can come in, and you only have to be open like one night a year.

Alright, I think I just got my investor visa for Germany. Absolutely work. That would absolutely work. Well, something I've just been thinking about and like deriving so much pleasure from is imagining, you know, your average American oaf, you know, waiting for three hours in line to get into the KitKat Club because they think it's like the M&M store in Times Square. And then getting rejected because they're wearing a MAGA hat and just other, you know, various, the oaf markings. Mesh basketball shorts.

And then just getting so mad, it's like, you know, I speak to your commanding bouncer. Do you guys get like a lot of, like, I don't know how you could identify them, but like sort of Midwestern tourists because this is like birthright for Ohio and Michigan guys. Yeah, yeah, because they took a 23 and me at Christmas in 2010 and they're like, I'm 73% German. That explains so much. But this has to be like, they try to go to the funky clubs. They don't get let in. We went to the, we went to the EU museum.

Did it have a nightclub feel? I mean, the EU is kind of the most exclusive nightclub in the world. But I, I mean, like, I don't know what's on German TV besides like sitcoms about like, you know, like, I've used that joke before or whatever you guys can fill in the rest of your true fans of the show. A sitcom about an old man who makes wooden toys for his grandchildren. A sitcom about a doctor who has to work at the Lego factory. No, it's the German version of the Sopranos where like, the family's ill gotten wealth comes from like, under reporting their taxes by 0.05%.

And they're like, you knew this is the life we chose. Meadow, there's no such thing as lying on VAT. But like, that should be a show on German TV about like sort of like, shithead Midwestern Oves to go on vacation here. Like, we went to the EU museum and like, probably at least once a year, like MAGA guys go there and think it's the EU. And like, go to the fucking nerd that works there and they're like, they're like, you are in for a reckoning Prime Minister Merkel. Nigel Farage comes in there and fulfills the MAGA promises and gets rid of Common Core

in the European Union. Like, that would be the best show on German TV. Just the MAGA guys trying to experience your culture and country. It's like you were saying, just a bad, whenever you hear like, just the Ohio pissed Facebook guy dumb ass be like, man, I'm so pumped for Brexit. Like what, you just want to ask, dude, what do you think that is? Yeah, no, I've always wondered that like, that's been my thoughts. So I've been here, like, because I went to the EU museum and I'd know even less than when I went in.

But like, our dumbest citizens now have like so many opinions on the EU and Brexit. And it's like, I dare you to explain to me what you're mad about. And the nerd working there is like, they speak 22 languages in the EU. But imagine if that guy, his time would be tied up by the official U.S. government complaints department that he could call and be like, you know, TJ Maxx is a no-go zone. And someone's like, uh-huh, I see. Well, I'm going to, you know, talk to my boss upstairs. That's very concerning, sir, that your son is learning Muslim Common Core taught by Black Lives Matter. We'll definitely be transferring you to somebody.

And then that guy wouldn't vote. Just a minor editorial correction. It was not an EU museum per se. It was actually the official title is the EU experience. And it's just sort of like a pop-up shop where you walk in and get to like take a green screen photo of yourself in the EU. So it's like in the parliament. It's like an animatronic hall of presidents, but without the sex appeal. No, Will, that was the actual EU. I was confused too. But that's what all this hubbub has been about was was building this museum, which costs 90 billion euros. And seven Americans go in there every year to complain.

That's what took like 60 years and 10 treaties. This is their ground zero mosque. I want to read one more thing that the EU experience is like about a block away. Like right in front of the Brennan Brigade is the US Embassy, which I swear to God looks like a courtyard Marriott. It is the shittiest looking building on a stretch of like the most beautiful building, the most beautiful architecture. And then I swear to God, like you look at the US Embassy and I wanted to go in and demand asylum. But I feel like if I if I did, I would be greeted by the the Wyndham wizard character. You might say that it was the architectural equivalent of a Mickey Mouse t-shirt.

It's you got all fucking roasted. It's such a will-menacre destroyed. Yeah, it's why do women like bullying me so much stuff? It's just so easy to bully. Look at him. He's a sweetheart. Oh, thank you. It's such a blight on your city. Why haven't you cut relations with us yet? Also, while we were there in front of the gate was we got some we saw some real radical politics. There were some very odd funky beats coming from the gate and there's a van parked in front and Julie has to translate what this said.

It's like a young clip. Our woman texting and saying it was like, you know, dear Islam, I'm seeing someone right now. I'm leaving Muhammad on red. We thought, you know, oh, these are oh, these are racist. Great. One of the full experience, of course. But then we read some of the other signs and it was like saying that to all the religions. And then we get to the front of it and they're handing out martinis. There's just an utter imbecile playing the worst funky beats I've ever heard. And there's Billy Joel and there's flying spaghetti monster shit. And we realized, oh, this is some anti church and state organization. These are like internet atheists who have organized into a political party.

Aren't all your churches just dance clubs now? What are they protesting? What is your moral majority? And will this woman comes up to will one of the one of these activists who was dressed like how would you describe this? A clown? Yeah, just like a very ominous clown and like wanting to dance with him and take a picture and we'll just kept saying no. No. He looked the most uncomfortable I've seen him in months. And that's how he voted in the EU election accidentally.

I want to read one. Back to the one more club experience. One more club experience. This is from Chris. This is from Chris Wade, our producer. Oh, no, Chris. Bouncer in parentheses. Fool. Told me they were closed when I was there to hear a specific DJ. After I persisted, they said, okay, but then the second bouncer in parentheses. Idiot. Try to gank my goodies. What happened to Plur? What happened to the scene? If you love music, don't go here. That is the German. Nevertheless, she persisted.

After they ganked his goodies. That is the most. This is going to be turned into like a German children's book that will replace the little engine that could. I'm probably betraying my age here, but honestly, I think he should have been barred from the entry just because he was there to see a specific DJ. If you have a favorite DJ, just fuck off. I don't want to ever talk to you. This is for anyone listening now or in the future. If you have a favorite DJ, I have zero interest in ever interacting with you. Also, the phrase, whatever happened to Plur is going to give me PTSD. Like, I can't feel it now because I'm in Germany, but as soon as I get back to America, I'm going to be so mad about that.

That guy is the most European man who's ever lived. That guy, like, he just, like, just every day he wakes up, he comments on 30 women's Instagrams, like, a wonderful sunny day and a great cake. Have a great Sunday, madame. Well, he has, like, he has, like, just a separate room in his house for news boy caps. Which he wears with bicycle shorts. We can't get mad about it here because Plur is a serious political movement. They're the largest block in the EU parliament. And that's kind of the, you know, that's kind of the Germany motto.

Like, when Greece was asking for maybe a write-off of some of these loans, Germany was like, no, Plur, dude, Plur. I think the thing that's most revealing about that review is the fact that he calls the bouncers idiots and stupid instead of just assholes. You know, fool. Fool. And then idiot. Exactly. Implying that them not letting him in was like a mistake on their part.

Like, you have no idea the kind of vibe I was going to bring to that club. You fool. You would have had the greatest night of your life if I'd been allowed to entry. This is, this is, like, before me, you were rightly tremble. I think I'm realizing now, like, the world would have been better if the Trumps had stayed in Germany. Oh, thank God. I was worried where he was going there for a second. Everyone prayed the sigh of relief.

I legitimately was holding my breath. No, I have some graphs relating to historical events that I'm bringing out later. But no, that guy, that guy, like, he just is Donald Trump. Like, it's the same brain. Like, Donald Trump was supposed to be, like, a guy who calls bouncers imbeciles. It's sad that they didn't let me in. It's sad. Yeah.

Yeah, like, if he'd stayed in, the state in Germany, like, Trump would own, like, a chain of, like, juice bars that would all be shut down for health violations. But he would still somehow have a billion dollars. Well, it is like, you, like, you take Germans out of Germany and specifically put them in America and they become the fucking worst Americans. It's true. They are our worst Americans. It's true.

I mean, to be fair, we say that about literally every kind of American. Well, I mean, I'm pretty conversant in it because I'm from Wisconsin, which is, like, the center, like, at the center of German migration to the United States. Like, Midwest is where the Germans settled. And that is also, not coincidentally, America's Oath Belt. It's where you get your good corn-fed oafs. If you're, I'll tell you right now, you look at for an oaf. You do not want to worry about any of these other, any of those other oafs.

You got to get a good Midwestern German square-headed oaf. That's the real oaf. Those are the real things. You go down to the south. You get an oaf in the south. That's just a repainted... That's a yokel. That's a bad yokel.

That's just a repainted yokel. That's a large sun and a new skin. You don't want to get that. You want to go to the Midwest for the real oafs. You got to watch the walk. That's how you know, because they lumber. They lumbered two tonically. But back to our president and yours too.

One of our new favorite things about Trump is when he calls people nasty. And he just called him a Meghan Markle nasty the other day. But what really has been killing me is like for now, like two days straight now, like it's been in my head since Felix said it. Trump talking about Leica, the first dog in space. And just going, Leica was a nasty dog. Bye-bye. We're sending you up.

You're not coming back. That's not even a joke. That's just stupid. You're not allowed to laugh at our brain damage. It's like enabling. You're being very nasty honey. Very nasty honey. Bye-bye.

It's, oh man. Can't wait to vote for him again. We don't want to agree with his politics, but he's just so hot. Yeah, I like the idea of like a Republican guy saying that to his Democrat neighbor. Like, hey, we had eight years of your ugly guy. Give her a hot guy a chance. German politicians are the ugliest people in Germany. It is shocking.

What happened? Is politics like a make-work program for the tragically ugly? Yeah, because there's still a bunch of European election, you know, placards stapled to a lot of the light posts. And it's like, are these just a bunch of before pictures? Where's the after? Like Nick said, they look like they OD'd on cheese. Oh, by the way, about Trump, I don't know about you guys,

but I just haven't really been following the news out of America the past few days. And it's like, there's this like wonderful distancing effect from being here. Well, maybe I'll go on Twitter and like see whatever bullshit everyone's talking about today. And just kind of maybe I'll suss it out and just think, oh, yeah, the stupid country's up to its old tricks, huh? And then go about and have a normal day. Did you know there was a huge shooting? Oh, yeah, there's a big shooting.

We keep doing that. Let's move on from that. Kind of mind that for good comedy material. But no, to Virgil's point, like, yeah, I feel totally disconnected from what's going on and back at home and normally is what we talk about and ring comedy material out of it. What I can tell what's going on in America right now is Robert Mueller gave a press conference that basically made everyone pissed off at the same time, but for every different reason imaginable. Nothing new there.

Felix, you just told me just today Amy Klobuchar at a campaign rally came out to Hillary Clinton's This Is My Fight Song and said, I still love this. It's great. Well, she literally said, I love the fight song. Yes, what she listens to when she's at the speed bag. And other than that, it seems like basically every psycho, trad cat in America has literally decided to restart the Inquisition because of a drag queen book reading time at a public library somewhere. But no, there's actually a couple of international news stories, sort of more European, hilarious political stories that I probably would have missed if I wasn't from here, if I wasn't visiting here.

And the first one was a real, this is great. Someone told me about this last night and I couldn't believe it was true. That like sort of 32 year old Austrian right wing wonder kid who became their chancellor. Yeah, he's like the dookie house of racism. He's awesome. He's so sick at it. You know, Loki's kind of nice with it. Stop it. This is not endorsement. They're not going to know what that means for another 10 years.

I'm not endorsing him when I say he's nice with it. Felix, when you do your sort of, I don't know, zoomer generation Z hip hop references. It's way too, our technology is way too advanced. America will be in crumbles by the time it makes our new slang. It's like when alien countries or alien planets are just now getting the fucking 1956 World Series. The coolest man in Germany is like a guy who watched that show where Wilder von Marama moderated roasts. And he just copied, yeah, yo mama on MTV and he just copied things in that show. And to this day, that's the coolest man in your entire country.

You can't vanilla ice his haircut from cool as ice. No, but Felix, please keep your references so that the audience can enjoy and understand them and stick to Lloyd Beggs, Tony Yeo and G unit. No, so we're Thumen. This guy, Sebastian Cruz, is that his? Yeah, whatever, who cares? He just absolutely ate shit because I guess the other far right party he partnered with in government was just secretly recorded in Ibiza, just like skied up talking shit to some woman posing as a Russian oligarch. And he was just like, yo, it will give you so many government contracts if you help us do these crimes. And what I love about this is like it was like it was all a work. It was all a setup. And it says at one point this guy,

Stratz grew suspicious, turning to his party colleague in the room and to say, trap, trap, it's a trap. But his concerns seemed to diminish over time as he continued to discuss the deal. So I just love he was just like, he was just like, yeah, this seems bad, better keep going. I hope we get to actually see video testimony trial because he'll be like, whatever happened to Plur. What's the point of hiring? What's the point of hiring Admiral Ackbar to be your assistant if you're not going to listen to him? He knows one thing he has one job. It's literally just to tell you what it's a trap. He made the most like cocaine judgment of all time, which is like, I could be setting myself up to literally destroy the entire government.

But if I'm right, that's like fucking money. I think I'm going to marry her. Well, we learned about this because apparently due to this in Austria, the Dutch funky party group, the Vanga Boys hit single, we're going to Ibiza, has now charted at number one. And it's become the new, you know, anthem of resistance to the far right. I would say that's probably totally unrelated. Honestly, it's Austria. It's just a funky beat. They just like half the country remembered that song. But the other thing that I love about this story is like despite the fact that like all of these guys are just like monstrous souls and pieces of shit.

I felt a strangely sympathetic in the sense that I knew if I ever gained political power of any kind, I would blow it almost in exactly the same fashion. By, you know, just getting like coke confidence and there's a beautiful woman interested in me. I'm like, yo, I'm about to tell her all my secrets. She'll respect me then. Then you got to get in front of the court of inquiry and go, I just want her to think I was cool. So this is the other funny story as it relates to Europe and the far right. Italy is evicting Steve Bannon from the medieval monastery he plans to turn. Well, I mean, hold on. You guys don't know the reason. He was too sexy. He was getting cat called too much.

It's too much. It was slowing down the economy. Everyone in Italy was cat calling him at all hours of the day. No one was going to work. None of the six people with jobs were going to work. Good news. Bannon doesn't get the use of monastery. Bad news. Alexandria Mussolini is going to use it to open the Italian version of the wing. One of my favorite ideas was him in the medieval monastery that he's turned into like the culture war Academy. And I forget who it was, but by far the best joke about that, Steve Bannon in a medieval Italian monastery is the name of the rosacea.

What we know about Steve Bannon and his personal style, the idea of him just hanging out for years in a fucking medieval monastery is just too good. You're in the subterranean thing. It's like a thousand year old fucking cobblestones and vaulted ceilings and there's like a fucking saint's finger in a reliquary and the thing. And he's just like cutting up lines of coke on a Budweiser glass fucking mirror. Awesome. So just reading here, it says here, the Italian government has delivered a potentially fatal blow. I hope he gets some potentially fatal blow sometime in the near future as well. Yeah, ask Andrew Breitbart about potentially fatal blow. To Steve Bannon's plans to transform a medieval monastery in your room into a training academy for the far right. He wants to be fucking Professor X, but for all right internet guys.

Italy's cultural heritage ministry announced Friday that it would revoke a lease granted to Bannon after reports of fraud in the competitive tender process. The former Breitbart chief and aide to US President Donald Trump was reportedly paying 100,000 euros per year to rent the 13th century Carthusian monastery. By the way, that's pretty cheap. We could get some friends on board with this. We could have a monastery. We could teach people the new religious tradition posting. It says here, but we'll now have to search for another spot. The Italian state allowed the conservative Catholic organization, Dignitas Humanae Institute. That's the DHI for short, to use the building early last year. Bannon happens to be a trustee of the Institute and planned to convert the space into a gladiator school for cultural warriors. Are you not entertained? No. Not at all. No. This shit sucks, dude.

Two accounts at a one count gets deleted. Where students would learn philosophy, theology, history and economics and receive political training from the former Trump aide himself. But earlier this month, Italian newspaper, Republica, reported that a letter used to guarantee the lease was forged. The letter had the signature of an employee of a Danish bank, but the bank said the employee hadn't worked there for years and called the letter fraudulent. You think how bad he came off to them for Italy to ding you for fraud? Yeah, no. Felix gets it exactly right. If they just don't like him. At the heart of this story is that Steve Bannon is either too stupid or too unpleasant to bribe Italians.

Wouldn't you love to go to the culture war gladiator school, though? Would that be fun? I don't know. It doesn't sound very funky. I think everyone in Italy got together and saw this disgusting bloated alcoholic and was like, come on, there's chicks here. No, I think I got to go back to America where it all began. I'd rather not go back or think about it ever again. It sucks, this is a thing. I'd like to check in on something. This is an article that I'm very pleased to share with you right now. Leaving America, it's like when you leave your house for a while and then you go back and you realize, wow, there's always smell like this. God damn. What have I been living in? Every time I hear, every time, if we're doing relatable analogies like this, leaving America and then getting news from it, it's like when you hear your kids texting you from the hot car, you left them in.

The car is too hot. Calm down. I don't want to hear it for now. I'm getting my Costco free sample lunch. Leave me alone. Don't worry, guys. We've left America's favorite music on. They'll be fine. This is an article I'm very pleased to share entitled, Five Jewish Things to Know About Joe Biden. If Felix wrote it. This is in one of those Jewish, it's JTA, it's a lower tier one, but we have magazines the forward like that that write articles that are just fucking insane because they ran out of ideas. And they're all like, you know, the hidden Jewish traditions of NASCAR. They often are the least Jewish things like Joe Biden is a foreskin.

But this is like my favorite stuff chiclets in your foreskin. This is my favorite type of article that they write because the way that these ones are always titled, it's like, is this from Der Sturmer? Like what the fuck? No, the five Jewish things about Joe Biden. They could go either way. So it begins here. Oh, you meant Jewish in a good way. Because Joe Biden, a born and raised Roman Catholic who likes to cross himself when making a point, knows what faith he would be if he were ever overcome with doubts about his own.

If I'm going to switch, I know where I'm going. The former vice president said in 2016 and I don't know how. But that was the beginning of a very offensive joke. He said he said he said in an Ohio political event when someone in the audience called him a mensch. Who in Ohio? Yeah, dude, you're straight up a fucking man. No shit. Biden went on to describe the pile of yamakas he had accumulated from attending Jewish events.

That sounds so sinister. That's like in the Holocaust Museum. That is what piles of yamakas. Yeah, that has a precedent. That sounds like something an anti-Semitic action hero would say. I'm going to add you to my pile of yamakas. Yeah, that's 1930 Superman left. He's got these piles of yamakas.

He's like, I just collect them. Yo, I'm still spending yamakas for 2010. So he goes, goodness knows, he's been collecting them for a while. And his ties, and his Jewish... I'll take them right off of people's heads. Dear Mr. Police, you'll never stop me. I include with this letter a yamaka. Five normal things about earth human, Joe Biden.

He goes, one of his first overseas visits in his long career as a senator was to Israel on the eve of the 1973 Yom Kippur War, which is all the more remarkable considering that Joe Biden represents his state, Delaware, with a Jewish population estimated at only 15,000. So he goes here, like here he goes, here's the five Jewish things about Joe Biden. Number one, he learned pro-Israel from his dad. Great sentence, man, knocked it out of the park. That shit is dope, dude. He learned pro-Israel from his...

What the fuck? Biden, born in 1942, likes to recall a childhood memory of his salesman father, Joseph Sr. in the international debate in 1948 over whether to endorse the existence of the new state of Israel. Typically, he leavens the tale with details suggesting a raucous Irish-American upbringing in which folks like talking over each other more than they did eating. My education... He's not Irish, by the way. Kind of. He's mostly German, actually.

He's mostly German. Which, again, if something happens on the boat, they just get bad. So we gathered at my dinner table to have conversation and incidentally eat, and we were growing up and it was at that table, I first heard the phrase that is overused sometimes today, but in a sense, not used meaningfully enough. First, I heard the phrase, never again. It was at the table that I learned the only way to ensure it could never happen again was the establishment and existence of a secure Jewish state of Israel.

I remember my father, a Christian, being baffled at the debate taking place at the end of World War II and talking about it. Baffled, that is, why anyone would consider voting no. Next one is that... This one's called That Golda Story. All the rumors... Oh, no. What did he do to gold in my ear? Oh, no, no, no.

What didn't he do? Oh, God. All the rumors you've heard about a golda drinking game among reporters who cover Vidin Jewish events are utterly baseless. So that cleared up then, wait, they're baseless? People would take a shot every time he brings up the golda story? Here's what it is. Joe Hart's Golda My Ear, a lot. The story he tells about meeting with her in 1973 when he was a 30-year-old senator is a staple of his Jewish beaks making.

It was on the eve of the Yom Kippur War, Biden toured Israel and the territories it held and witnessed the chain-smoking American-raised Israeli Prime Minister reviewing maps. You could not but notice heightened military tensions. My Ear, meeting Biden in her office, asked him to pose for a photo. Dear Penthouse, I never thought this would happen to me. I mean, again, this is like all Biden's stories, like it doesn't go anywhere and he takes a photo with golda. And that's about it. That's the whole story, yeah.

Wow. They smashed for sure. The Six Second War. The next Jewish fact is not as interesting, but the next Biden fact says, Biden-Bagin did not go as well as Biden-Golda. And he says, in 1982, Menachem Bagin met with senators at the U.S. Capitol. The Prime Minister fumbled when asked about Israel's recent Lebanon invasion, but rallied when Biden confronted him about West Bank settlement expansion

and suggested that new settlements would undercut U.S. support and assistance for Israel. Biden reportedly banged the table as the exchange grew heated. Bagin's reply has become lore among his followers. This desk is designed for writing, not for fists, he said. Absolutely demolished. Destroyed. Just shit on. Again, though, this is why I hate the whole ethnic identity stuff for him.

He's come off like some working-class Irish-American. He's not Irish-American. He's just an alcoholic. And then it goes here. In 2010, a matured Biden figured out passive aggressiveness worked better than fist-banging when it came to settlements. On a friendly visit to Israel, Biden was surprised to learn that Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu's government had announced a new building in Eastern Jerusalem.

Biden's payback? He's pissed at him. He made Netanyahu wait 90 minutes for a dinner meeting. So he's a messy bitch? Okay, that is a little Jewish. Yeah, that's it for the Bidens. That's basically all you need to know about Joe Biden. They're really reaching there.

They're really reaching. I mean, like literally two of the things are like, he met people from Israel. He met a Jew once. He collects Yamaqa's in a not at all menacing way. That would only be interesting if it was shit like he circumcised himself with a toenail clipper. All right, now you got me. That's a fucking story. Did you know that Joe Biden has a personal covenant with Yahweh?

No way. That's sick. God is about to ask him to sacrifice his div-shit corrupt son to run for president, though. Critical support for Hunter Biden, a friend of the People's Republic of China. I support him from the left. It's my new contrarian position. I don't support Joe. I support Hunter.

Thank you. No one replied to this. Not reading replies. Well, Berlin, it's been absolutely wonderful spending some time with you. Do you guys have any closing thoughts, closing arguments? Just one thing. If you're here and you don't want another surge of Americans coming, if you are American, you probably don't want more Americans here because you want to be special.

Yes. Yeah. Okay. And if you're German, you probably don't want more Americans here because you don't want more Americans here. So, there is a group that has started up Berlin for Bernie. The Facebook group is Berlin for Bernie, number four. There's some buttons and stickers in the back corner. You should check it out.

There are things you can do, whether you're a citizen or not, helps to get out the vote. There's something like 300,000 Americans here. It's actually like a small town's worth of Americans that can vote. If you can donate and if you can't donate because you're not an American citizen, you should donate anyway. Break the law. There are ways that everyone can help, even if it's just phone banking or texting, get out the vote stuff. If you can check it out, I can't take any more articles like this. So, we need a different president.

This is Brendan. Brendan has spent the last 10 years sitting by the phone waiting to hear that his hernia mesh lawsuit has been settled. For less than one euro a day, you can ensure that Brendan gets actual healthcare and can finally pursue his career as a skateboarder. You know, you don't have to do anything for us. This is just a mitzvah for all of you. Let's do something for the dum-dum country, for the doggos there, for all the millions of Ohioans who live off $2 a day, paid out from a special fund for victims of blockbuster video. So, we really appreciate it and he helped to get Bernie Sanders elected president.

And if that doesn't work, you know, maybe you could legalize poly marriages and we could all marry you and become EU citizens. I'd also like to encourage you, you know, even if you're not an American citizen, yeah, like we said, vote and give money to Bernie Sanders. Yeah, I do it anyway. They do vote a fraud. No, no, no, no. Here's, okay. Give money to every candidate but Bernie. And if you give them enough money, they'll have to go to jail for accepting illegal contributions. It's a long way around. Yeah. And if you got some money left over, give it to Donald Trump and then Bernie can run unopposed. And then when people start investigating you, give money to the federal prosecutor investigating you.

So, he goes to jail. And the only issues if you run out of money, which you honestly shouldn't do, you should be fine, honestly. You should be fine provided you steal Felix's club idea to have one million emails. I'm loving you club females. Yeah. So that is mindset. I think we solved all the problems in Europe here tonight. You're welcome. You're welcome. But more than anything, thank you to you guys in Berlin. It is genuinely amazing when they, when we, to me, when they added this show to this that we, we sold out this show here in Berlin and then you guys came out to see us. We've had a phenomenal time staying here, hanging out and just.

We've all been very wonderful. We joke about funky beats, but you know what? God damn it, the beats are really funky. They are so funky. Berlin, Germany. Wonderful. Thank you so much. Thank you. Berlin, Germany. We are at Chapo Trap House.

Thank you so much for coming out. Good night.