Chapo Trap House - 324 - Live from Dublin: Irish Valor (6/17/19)

Episode Date: June 17, 2019

Our June 9th live show from Liberty Hall Theater in Dublin. Settle down. For reference, video of the cop badge wall discussed in this show: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bxk2silqq4Y

What are you people so excited about? I don't understand it. I just don't get what you guys are getting out of our show where we talk about these obscure American gargoyles. And we're talking to Will about it. I realized is that you guys, your relationship to the shit we talk about is like your ancestors and like fairies and banshees and leprechauns. It's like, you don't want to go on the woods at night. You'll see the McCardle out there. If she catches eyes with you, she'll talk to you about rational choice, Terry, till your bones turn to dust. By the way, that's not going to be the end of the accent. He's doing it all.

Fuck her up, motherfuckers. We have Matt is out on that limb by himself alone tonight and he shall live or die by it. No, we are, we're the rest of us, we're not going to disrespect you. This is an important place for us. Wakanda Boston. Very important to us. So Dublin, you guys are the last stop on our European tour. It has been an epic quest, a hero's journey. But honestly, I think we're all dying of consumption or something. And the damp has gotten into me. And like I said the other day, I fear that we may end the

end this tour in Rome, but like John Keats did. Yeah. This is the moistest place on earth. Motherfuckers are dewy. Yeah. Yeah, it's great. I like when my hair looks like this. This was on purpose. It's very erotic. Of course, we just are coming here from doing three shows in London and Manchester. And I got to say it's good to be back in a civilized country.

Some cheap heat, some cheap heat for the audience tonight. Lap it up. No, no, really, there is no place we'd rather be after touring the four kingdoms. So real quick, though, I got to tell you this. We were coming here from, we took a flight from Manchester yesterday. You know, in America, they're like, if you see something, say something. You know, we're very, very worried that someone's going to bring like, you know, like, oh, what's that, a bowling ball with a candle sticking out of it? Yeah, bring that on the plane. But in the Manchester airport, like all the PSAs are about, like, know your limit. You can get drunk on an airplane. But if you get really rowdy, it could, the flight could get

canceled, you could lose your vacation. Well, there is the guy in line just doing football, just by himself. And the whole time, the whole time I was thinking, please don't be the pilot, please don't be the pilot. We were in the fucking, like, Ryan air cattle pen, waiting to get like, like fucking, like led onto this thing by the fucking cowboys and sheep, sheepdogs. And this fucking guy is like going, singing the songs, going, oh, you know, see fans? Like, no, we're trying to get on a plane, you maniac. That is, that is a British bar mitzvah getting kicked off a plane, because you're too drunk.

You have to, you have to recite the entire, like, arsenal or fucking whatever, Chan. A few years ago, I was on a plane from Manchester to Prague. And there was a bunch of lads behind me and they were just huge pricks, the entire flight, very loud, awful. But then when the flight let out and we were all, you know, waiting to get off the plane, they were ahead of me and I'm waiting for them and they, and the one guy, they were all off, one guy stopped and he turned to us and I was like, right, we're going to do it. And he ran back and he fucking planked on the seats and they all took a picture of it. And this was like two years after planking was a thing. Like these guys were ready to get like, tased by air marshals to do a two-year-old

meme. Brits should not be loud off that island. It should be quarantine. That's gonna be, that's gonna be the British auto warm beer. He's gonna be doing the Harlem Shake and the DMZ. Who could have foreseen this tragedy? The last thing I'll say about England is, you know, a running theme on this tour is following the Tory leadership race that's going on. You know, look, I know they're not your problem, but, wow. Well, historically, actually, they happen. So it started out with, they've basically been one-upping each other with increasingly banal admissions of drug use, starting with Rory Stewart who smoked opium at a wedding in Iran. And I saw that and I was like, tight. And I was, this is campaign ad. And it turns out, no, it was

just a groveling apology. And then Gove said like, yeah, I did cocaine when I was a journalist and they were like, how many times? And he was like, several. And I was like, that's when Oprah, like when Oprah asked Lindsay Lohan, have you ever done cocaine? And she said, yeah, 11 times. And it's like the specificity of that is the giveaway. And then finally was Andrea Leedsome just said, I smoked cannabis once. And it's like, what the fuck is the next one? Just going to be like, one time I talked to a boy on the phone. I went on the Tilt-A-Whirl until I got all dizzy. I'll admit, I had an addiction to holding my breath really long. So, but like I said, it's, it's a joy to be back in the civilized world here

in Ireland. Felix, you said it at the beginning of the show, but I think we need to return to it now. What have you been calling Ireland ever since you got off the plane? Boston Wakanda. Wakanda forever. No, but like, yeah, we were, yeah, no, it's something we've been dwelling on a lot. Well, yeah, you guys are like, you know, like the movie, you're, you're, you're fooling the world into believing that you're this like, you know, backwards, dumb country of hicks, then the hologram just sort of like vanishes. And you're all living in the 25th century over here. Well, it's like, yeah, it's like Black Panther because you have like indigenous secret Irish lying technologies. And that's how you get your natural wealth

of having companies just be like, yeah, Apple is an Irish company. I tried to explain this to Matt, but it still didn't work. Yeah, I should have listened to Amber. Amber said to me, when you meet these Irish guys, they will just lie to you for fun. I was like, I was like, okay, we're going to meet my friends that are my friends and that like you and they're going to lie to you. Right. And of course I immediately forgot that. I just went out of my head and where we're hanging out last night with some very charming Irish guys and I've had a few drinks and so I'm getting loose and I'm like, oh, we're having a good rapport. So when the guy tells me that Joseph Fritzel, that Austrian psycho who kept his

daughter in a basement and had a family with her, when he told me that that was actually part of like a Trotskyist political sect, I was like, really? And then he looked at me, he's like, nah, I'm fucking you with your mom. I'm like, that's not, that's not just what, what is that just an entertaining thing to do to someone you just met is lie to them. Are they great? Yeah, that's what Paul Joseph Watson thinks is witty. I, yeah, I mean, like, I don't mean any disrespect when I say, you know, this is like a lying culture, like it's like, okay, so Felix is Jewish, so it's really. No, our lives are like, no, it makes a difference when you take off that part of the dick, but no, like the ones of you we got to America,

you're not sending your best. Well, no, you guys absolutely not. It's like when I don't know, it's like America is their kryptonite, they're lying out worse and worse every generation. So like, you know, the Boston, the epicenter of the diaspora, their lives are all just like, yeah, I met Marky Mark once and they didn't. I'm astonished at how frequently Felix is completely correct while guessing because for months he'd been saying, oh yeah, we're going to Ireland. Ireland doesn't have any culture except for lying. And we're like, and hang on, hang on, and we're like, you know, what about like literally the greatest English language works of literature ever produced? And Felix just says, well, if you

think about it, novels are just lying. It's stuff that didn't happen. And I'm like, okay, he's got me there. Yeah, and Amber always points out that like, she'll say things that are right about our journeys that she's like read or researched or gained through experience. And that's completely less impressive. Yeah, I think Matt had a best when he said he's like a chicken that can do math. Well, I mean, it's sort of like me getting in touch with like the feminine aspect of creation because it's all intuition. All I do, all I do is stay on the computer all day and I know all these things about the world just through, you know, one sense of input. I decide that everything like, you know, I meet a German

who dresses a certain way. Oh, they all wear shorts like that. And they do. So Ireland, it's great to be here, primarily because, you know, Ireland is the country that every white guy in America pretends to be from to have some sort of where they were descended from slaves. Yes. It's an honor to be here in the home of the original American slaves. Yeah. Yeah. So yeah, you you also gave us a lot of our blue lives. That's the thing. We are in the blue. Every single white American is half Irish and half Native American. And also somehow in the Italian mafia. So I want to show you guys a little something like this is really was, you know, underscored for me last night. We went out to a pub, the brazen

head, which is apparently the oldest pub in Dublin. It's shit. Okay. All right. To your point, sir, that it sucks. I would like to share with you, we're in the pub, you know, we're in one room and then I go into the other room and I go in the room and I see this. Christ, let's put this. Who are you booing? Boo yourselves. This is that's your fault. You guys have a little themselves every day. Believe me. You guys have a fucking wailing wall for cops. They put their fucking two weeks paid leave notice in there. What happened on the fucking coffin ship from fucking Dublin to New York that activated the cop gene in every fucking patty who came to the United States. And it's like this is this is like

the patch of probably every police department in the northeastern United States. And it's like, do you guys just think that this is like currency? You're waiting for that police badge revaluation. You're all going to get rich. Oh my fucking God, are you kidding me? That sucks so much. Oh, so that's how tipping works. I told you what we should have gotten some before leaving the states. You, man, you really need to close the borders before you can figure out what's going on. Oh, yeah, isn't there like a fucking Border Patrol patch on there? There was a US Border Patrol. You guys, you fucked up. So Ireland, like I said, there's a last stop on our European tour. And one of the big features of this

tour is that we have been trailing our president by about a day at every place. And he just is always eluding our grasp. He's like Kaiser Soze. He's like Carmen San Diego. He's always one step ahead of us on our globe trotting tour here. We don't know what we would do if we caught him, but the thing is, he keeps going. I don't know whether I like the chase more or fucking him more. So, you know, we're, you know, political satirists, I like to think. And you know, Americans abroad, obviously, got to talk about Trump, you know, what are we going to say here? What's the material? All right, all right, all right. All right, all right. Sir, respect our president. Wait, sir, he's trying to get, I know, I know how

this works. Calm down. Sir, he's trying to get Common Core out of the EU. Show us some gratitude. Sir, our president is not a Harry Potter monster. So here's the thing. Here's what I realized is the joke with Trump is that he has premiered some exquisite looks over the course of just the last two weeks. Look at him. Never before been considered or seen, but I have sourced the rarest of all Trumpies. And this one, I think you guys are going to get a kick out of. I think it's a little special. So let's go to that rare Trumpie. Let's take a look here. That is Trump and Jerry Adams shaking hands in 1995. So there you have it, folks. There you have it. The two hottest world leaders of all time

together on the same stage. You know, I mean, I've got, you know, if we could all look, if we could all look as good as Jerry and Trump does, you know, we'll be laughing just the thottery. It's too much. Here is actually like that. He's still doing that weird handshake. It's not a product of dementia. He was doing it back then. The weird one where he like smash it, he basically docks thumbs. Yeah. Well, you got to think of it. It's like his hand is essentially like just a spongy meatloaf. He can't actually like form fingers out of it. So here's the context for this photo. And it says, Donald Trump has been caught in another controversy after footage emerged of him attending a Sinn Féin fundraiser in

New York in November 1995. To be fair, to be fair, you can't get shit done in New York without making friends with Sinn Féin. The Republican front money. No one told them what happened. The Republican front money can be seen shaking hands with Jerry Adams in the Essex House Hotel in Manhattan months before the provisional IRA broke its ceasefire by bombing London's. Okay, I'll stop right now. I'll stop. Not going to read any more of that here tonight. But it says here during his speech, Jerry Adams jokes about Sinn Féin playing the Trump card before shaking hands with the businessman who can be seen grinning and waving to the audience. So there you have it. That's the, the, the rarest of all

Trumps, the rarest of all Trumpies. Again, the two hottest men of all time. I'd like, what if they kissed though? Here's the other thing though. He also made news because in his meeting with, what's his name, Leo Darth Vader. I don't, I'm not going to knock. They just did like a stern female voice telling them to calm down once every 20 minutes. It's the entire premise of the country. Without that, it would fall apart. So he made news. He made this again because in his comments, he said he likens, he likened the Irish border to a wall between the United States and Mexico. And he says, Donald Trump has started his visit to Ireland by comparing its post-Brexit border with Northern Ireland to the US border

with Mexico, along which he wants to build a permanent wall. Trump sitting next to a visibly uncomfortable Leo Darth Vader waited into the Brexit debate minutes after Air Force One touched down at Shannon Airport on Wednesday afternoon. I think it will all work out very well. And also for you, with your wall, your border, he said, and a joint press conference. I mean, we have a border situation in the United States and you have one over here. But I hear it's going to work out very well here. So we've been on this tour and I want to share one thing that happened or like there was an article that was written today that is connected to an event that happened while we were on tour. And this happened when we

were in Berlin and I was walking around. We had just gone to a lovely beer garden, having some sausages, feeling good, beautiful day out, walking around and my phone buzzes and it's from an unfamiliar number already. I don't know what this is. I look at it and I see this. It says, Hey, Will, my name is William Davis and I'm a reporter with the Daily Caller. You guys are familiar with the Daily Caller over here? You got some fans of it? Okay. Maybe some writers, contributors. He goes, I'm writing a piece on socialism as it relates to the new HBO miniseries on Chernobyl. Would you have a few minutes to chat for this? My response, LOL, fuck no. So that piece finally came out today and the

headline of the Daily Caller is conservatives love HBO's Chernobyl, but socialists don't want to talk about it. That's you, dude. They're talking about you. To be fair, don't give me any spoilers. I don't want to know what happened about Chernobyl. Was it good? Yeah, everything worked out. Yeah, Chernobyl is this big parade they threw. You know what I'm going to say? It's like, okay, yes, these guys died horribly, but at least all those guys who melted like candle wax because of exposure to radiation, their families didn't go bankrupt paying for their failed medical care. So to William Davis, he says, conservatives love Chernobyl, but socialists don't want to talk about it. Well, William, I'll talk

about it. I just don't want to talk to you. And I think they need to understand that. So I saw this piece today and it was actually behind the Daily Caller paywall. Oh yeah, you have to use my login. And I have done some wretched things for this show. I have subscribed to the Fox Nation streaming service. Are you still subscribed to that, by the way? I am. Yeah, of course. I should probably cancel that. No, no, they're coming out with some good stuff. Well, they never did the done. Yeah, there's never been another, there's never been a follow up to the Eric Trump family profile. There's no point. Oh wait, I totally forgot. Can we see the stupid Trump kids who are here as well? Look at the head on that

fucking beer. Pathetic. Look, what? There's not a good head in that photo. I used to be a bartender and we were always pissed off when someone ordered Guinness because it meant we were going to sit there for half an hour trying to get it all perfect. Otherwise, everyone would be an asshole about it. But I got to know, or I got to say, I don't know how it's physically possible to fuck up a pint of Guinness that badly. Like you have to be trying. Like he's like, I like the stuff on top, actually. It's busy. God, they look good. They're so fucking hot. God, damn it. Enough of those assholes. Get them out of here. Get them out of here. All right, here we go. So I've done some wretched things for the show in all the

name of content. But I was sitting there, I was like, God, I kind of want to read what he wrote about me. But paying the daily caller was, I couldn't do it. But I was able to just quickly, before the paywall hit, do a little old control A, control C, control V into the old notes app. He's a bit of a hacker. Yeah. So it's so, check it out here. He says, finally, Hollywood has produced something that conservatives can fall in love with. Yeah, the show about like 1000 people dying of radiation poisoning. We love, it's wonderful. And like, here's what I want to underline here about this article. These fucking conservatives are so thirsty for anything, like for to win the culture war. Like they're so fucking thirsty. And it's

like, I'm sorry, it's not going to happen. They want any, they want any kind of clout in the mainstream culture that like reifies or reflects what they believe. And they'll take anything. Oh, yeah. No, that's like that. We all make fun of people today who are like, Oh, yeah, you know, actually, the Incredibles is an affirmation of representation or whatever, like that type of person. But it started with conservatives, like, I think this is like probably a Bush era thing when they'd be like, you know, Terminator is an affirmation of conservative values of hard work, enlightenment values. It all started with them. It all that whole T reading shit. So now they found, you know, Chernobyl and they've adopted it as

their own because essentially, you know, it is a portrayal of, you know, late era Soviet incompetence and indifference to human life and corruption, which is like, you know, fair enough. But like the point is he goes on right now, he goes, the shocking indifference to human life is perhaps the defining aspect of ruthless Soviet style communism, which ruthlessly applies Stalin's maxim that you have to break a few eggs to make an omelet. Was it ruthless though? How ruthless was it though? How ruthless was it? Was there any roots? I'm worried that there's too many. There were too many roots involved here. That was Stalin's personal motto, though, you have to break a few eggs to make an omelet. They love eating omelets in

Russia. So yeah, this guy Craig, another guy, the William Davis running for the daily caller is like his point is like, oh, like this is what socialism is like, oh, do you want that? And I'm like, wow, I mean, imagine living in a country that was just callously and depravedly indifferent to the human suffering and loss of life. That would suck. And like, this is a fucking daily caller. So I'm sure this next guy's article was like, I toured one of Trump's new child separation zones and found the swimming pools were quite nice. Work truly will set these children free. And now, as you pointed out, like coal plant pollution kills more people every year in a year. More people in just the United States are killed directly by coal pollution

than we have been killed by the Chernobyl meltdown in 30 fucking years. Yeah, we have like fucking ten coal miners in America and like like a thousand full died. Just as a byproduct of the plants and there's actually in Kentucky in the in the United States of Kentucky. There's a specialty license plate you can get and it's all black and then it has, you know, your number and that says on the top friend of coal and I just think you know what you should really do. You should get rid of those numbers and just put like the ISIS flag on there. That is it is badass. That's the original black pill. Yes, coal, the original black pill. So just going on, you know, I mean, you know, God forbid it's not the Soviet Union, though. So it says here that he talks

about how the creator of the show like is explicitly devout, you know, disavowed any, you know, connection to conservative politics. And it's basically said like it's basically about the United States, like the show that we're portraying here. So he goes here, the daily caller reached out to several socialist intellectuals to see how they felt. Thank you. First of all, thank you. Thank you. Okay, cut. Now I need to tell everybody that he also he also DM'd me, but he didn't have my number, which makes me wonder what fucking circles Will is traveling. And that this fucking Dargoyle had his fucking cell phone number. If we were to rank no offense, but the intellectuals in this group, Felix is above Will. How are you going to preface that with no offense? She's right.

I mean, think about all the shit you had to learn from books that I just know. So he shoots from the hip. Yeah. Fair enough. Well, you know, it's in print here. So in an August publication, like the daily caller, well, they're doing a very favorable profile of me next. So this is here. We reached out to several socialist intellectuals to see how they felt. The responses ranged from profane to almost hushed. Quote, LOL fuck no. Will Menaker of Chappell said in response for comments or a quest for comment. And I guess Matt's response was the hushed one because you just paid no mind. Yeah, I did not say anything to that motherfucker. Well, wonderful. Glad you have given a quote to William Davis, even though I didn't give him

permission, of course, too. But you know, with journalists, you know, you always have to say, I should have said off the record, LOL fuck no. Go fuck yourself. Virgil's are making me paranoid this whole trip because he keeps telling me every people we every person we meet is in the CIA. No, I'm only identifying the CIA agents. So that's one to no one. So Ireland, that is how I feel about your noble and socialism and William Davis of the Daily Caller, which is fuck him. All right, Liberty Hall, Dublin, we are going to break for an intermission now, but we're going to leave intermission to be about 20 minutes, but we're also going to leave you with the good vibes and funky beats of the Chappell trap house boiler room DJ set just for you. Dublin Ireland

will be back in 20. Ember, Ember, help, help. Calm down. Thank you. It's nothing to do with the nuns, I think. Yep. Ever since Sister Collette slapped me on the knuckles. So Dublin, I got to say, we were just back there in the dressing room. And I swear to God, I couldn't stop thinking about what this gentleman told me in the front row that American cops come here and tip bartenders with their fucking shitty town police patch. Fuck America, dude, we got honestly. Oh, it's a sick dog that needs to be put down. Failed state. Failed state. But we're the biggest, baddest sick dog. It's true. We're like one of those Chernobyl dogs running around biting people. If it wasn't for America, you'd be doing this show in German. So, God, I can't get that out of my head. It's

probably going to haunt me for the rest of the time I'm here and probably until I die. So it's another symptom of the sickness of America. You know, it's good to make fun of Trump, but like, you know, we wouldn't be, you know, us if we didn't, you know, give you the other side of the coin, which is that there's also a fucking dunce named Joe Biden that's currently running for president. That fake Patty motherfucker. And the thing is, your foot is your favorite son. Biden is a German name. He's lying. He's not even fucking Irish. No, but he's just drunk. Hang on a take. He keeps saying that he's Irish. You're telling me that that might that's a mistrue. He's full of shit. He's a falsehood. He's a perv. He's a perfidious crowd. Joe Biden,

long dynasty of like Germans. Yeah. Yeah. And you know, we talked to the first half of the show about, you know, Americans who love to say they're Irish. And you know, Joe Biden, Democratic 2020 presidential candidate is really fulfilling that tradition of stealing Irish Valor. Absolutely. And it just says here, I just, I mean, he's, he's taking Betos. Betos didn't want his. Yeah. Beto says, I'll take the Latino Valor. I got all this Irish Valley. If anybody wants it, and Biden was like, dude, I got you. It's worth less in Texas. That's an exchange rate. Exactly. Yes. It radically appreciates in the Northeast corridor. So I just randomly, you see, you know, searched, you know, Joe Biden loves the Irish people. And it says here, Joe Biden, U.S. Vice

President returns to his Irish roots. And it just says a quote here from Biden. You're 80 years old. Embarrassing. Yeah, you could still go on Irish birth right when you're 80. It's nice. Sort your fucking life out, man. Sorry. He just did this today. Happy hashtag best friends day to my friend Barack Obama, who by the way is probably more Irish than he is. And it's a Joe Barack friendship bracelet. This is so nauseating. And honestly, like this tweet here encapsulates like why the his only case for why he should be president is that he was Obama's friend for eight years. Yeah. Is that a slice of pizza? Is that the charm? Oh, no, it is. Oh, another Q code. Another Q code. Oh my God. I was already losing it yesterday when fucking Dr. Pizza went down for serial pederasty.

I'll tell the story one more time. No, no. All right, fine. So back to back to back to Joe. He says here, quote, being Irish without fear, being Irish without fear of contradiction has shaped my entire life. What? What the fuck is that mean? Can we can we get a I need someone who like preferably one of the people like comes up to us after shows and is like, Hey, I love you guys, but you guys made an error in episode 29 to count all the things that Joe Biden has said has singularly informed his entire life because it's like fit. I've heard Israel. I've heard now being Irish. I've heard being a father. Wells Fargo. Yeah, pure contradiction from who the Ireland nerd Ireland, a land of contrast and contradiction. I mean, he he really is. He's

the perfect candidate to lead America because he's just a unremarkable German who claims he's Irish like that gives him a personality that is our country. So, you know, a little bit before we regurgitate to you our impressions of, you know, your political culture from a totally ignorant and uninformed position. You know, maybe we could just talk a little bit about, you know, American politics because apparently that's that's what you people like and that's why you're at this bunch of sickos. Yeah. So you're a bunch of Bryant De Palma movie protagonists looking through the fucking windows and some sick shit happening across the street. So I got to do this. I got to do this at the top of the second act. I got to call him out. I got to roast my own dad who's in the audience

tonight. Let's give him a hand. Let's give him a hand because, you know, he is another American who romanticizes and reveres Irish culture despite having not a single drop of ethnic connection to this this country. He flew over to Dublin to see us. He's very gentle. But we went out to, you know, the classic famous Dublin Starbucks today and he told me that he likes Pete Buttigieg for president. And I was like, how dare you? How I bring you over here to do this and you do this to me? I said it's Bernie or die. Obviously. Bernie or die. There's no alternative. Can I just say this is really staggering to me because as some of you may know, I went to a Pod Save America show in Brooklyn, where I was violently assaulted, had my rights taken away from me lawsuit is pending,

and where they read the names of some of the candidates and Pete Buttigieg is mentioned, and there's like some portion of the crowd gives an gives an applause. And here we are in fucking Dublin, Ireland, and he says the name Pete Buttigieg and everyone fucking booze. God bless. God bless. I'm literally changing gyms because one of the guys I see there every day wears a booted Jed shirt. Honestly, I'm a disappointed in you guys. Don't you know how good he was at homework? He did. He was so good at doing homework, you guys. He even went to Afghanistan after school every day. So as I have said before, not a real Hoosier, too many teeth. He was a POW in Afghanistan. He got detention at Kabul. But just to build on roasting your dad for a minute, I think part of

our audience, the European audience's obsession with American politics is that all of our politicians seem to go into a racial transmogrifier at some point, where this Irish guy from Texas becomes Latino, and this German guy becomes Irish, and this white woman becomes Cherokee. Not Pete Buttigieg, though, baby. Maltese. He's a bloody Maltese. You can't trust those people. So I said, you know, what's wrong with Bernie? And he goes, I don't know. He's too old and sounds too much like me and my entire family. And another quick anecdote. Let's just, you know, Def Comedy Jam, Rose Will's dad. The last time he was in Ireland, he took my sister here, because up until about, you know, two years ago, she was the good one. You know, I'm winning that

race now. I bet you better believe it. You know, she, yeah, that's right. She's like a therapist that works with like poor people who need mental health. And she's like going to like marry a fireman. And you're on a podcast. So I see, I saw Will's sister. Also beautiful red hair. Will's sister is a therapist who cures people of their mental health problems. And Will is a podcaster who gives people mental health problems. The whole family's running at grift. I mean, well, we are Irish, I guess. I mean, when it comes to siblings, slow and steady, indeed wins the race. That was the case of me and mine. So I remember he told me this story about the last time he was here. And this is the classic like American in Ireland story. My dad loves

Irish folk music. And he was in the, yeah, whoo. Yeah. And he was in a, it was in like a record shop. Whoa. Okay. We got a lot of death in June fans here. Okay. He was in a, he was in a record shop, you know, like, you know, flipping through LPs. And, you know, as Irish people are, you know, sometimes do just come up and talk to you, which is weird because we love that shit though. He's like talking to me. He's like, Oh, like, you know, like, why are you here? Why are you visiting Ireland? Or like, why are you, why are you buying these records? And he, my dad just goes, Oh, like, you know, I just, I really love Irish folk music. And the guy immediately goes, that jiggity jigshit, I can't stand it. And he goes, I hate being Irish. I wish I was a Hungarian or an Arab instead.

Still, though, Ireland's greatest son, Phil, line it. That's it. I would definitely take a proven oil reserves over Tato chips. Oh, that's what's going to get me killed is the fucking Tato chips. Wait for it. Wait for it. He'll get you back. The Tato guy is so cute. You have to forgive. Friendship ended with Matt Crispin. Felix's new best friend. You have to forgive Matt. He doesn't appreciate manga like the rest of us still. He's just, he's just a little, he's just a little guy. And he's like, Hey, you're my chips. They're me. Take up my potty. That's why they like it. It's like communion.

Okay, so, so Dublin. Security, please eject that man. Do we need to bring the fucking nuns in here? Ireland, Ireland. It's getting it's getting a little too late here, guys. Let's, let's calm down. This one happens when you don't have any guns in the country. Well, Matt, I think they do actually. It's getting too late. Let's bring it down a second. You know, we, we talk American politics. You talk Joe Biden, Pete Buttigieg. You hear, you hear about Buttigieg and you're popping off. I understand. It's getting insane. It's getting insane. So I'd like to take a moment now to discuss

Irish political culture because, you know, let me, let me, let me bring you back. Well, Irish culture. So land of contrast I hear. So coming over here, I was like, I thought foolishly. I was like, well, in America, there are two political parties that basically just trade off grinding everyone down into dust. They're both, they're both awful. There's no way out. It sucks. Oh, Ireland has like nine political parties. This, this must be cool and fun. And then I, I looked into it and it turns out, no, that's the same situation over here. At least in the United States, we pretend that there's some ideological difference between

the two. They don't even fucking bother over here. Exactly. I can, like, you know, you can tell the difference between a Democrat and a Republican. And I was looking into it and it's like, you know, fin gale and finna fail. Finna epic fail. Don't correct us on the pronunciation. We want to learn it. We don't care. It's gonna get worse. But I swear to God, I was looking into this, trying to find out the difference between these two fucking parties is like looking at a magic eye poster waiting for the sailboat. As, as best I can tell, one of them wants like slightly higher property taxes. And this has been the situation here for like a hundred years.

You're forgetting though, only one of them was literally founded by fascists. Like, like actual, like not not hyperbolic internet fascists, like, let's all coordinate the same colored shirt fascists, which is impressive. You got to give it to him on that. That's a lot of hustle. Settle down. So I have, I have, I don't think we can possibly get through all of them. Oh no. But here's the thing. I have tasked my, my colleagues and co hosts here with, I gave them each a political party and they're gonna do sort of like, we're doing a book report. They're gonna do like sort of a book report for you now. Yeah, he gave us homework. Sorry. Sorry, Brazil. I know your schedule is very busy. So there's a lot of digestion to do.

So sorry, I can't spend two minutes looking up when Irish political party have to vape on the toilet for an hour. So what are we starting with Felix? I gave you a fine gale. Yeah. Okay. All right. All right. I took notes on this because I took this assignment seriously. That's right. All right. Let me get to the right Google doc. All right. An error. What the fuck? This is so fucking scoffed. All right. Give me a sec. Give me a sec. All right. Give me a sec. He's got to close like 15 pages of Epic Fortnite fails to get to that. I have used Felix's phone in the past and it is hell. You are constantly bombarded with notifications for like 10 social media. This motherfucker. Including like a fucking Russian social,

he's on this motherfuckers on the contact. He's, he's on weeboo. This motherfucker has his notifications on the true mark of a psychopath. I like to know what my friends are up to. I didn't know Gab had got notifications. I'm gonna have to go from memory here. But my political party, what I was assigned, it must be all the women that I give follow Fridays to because it's fine. It's fine gales. Do not correct my pronunciation. The part of my brain that can learn how to pronounce things, it was irreparably damaged by blue light and toxins and Coke zero. We're not getting it back. It's just what we're going to call it from now on. But it was, it descended from a pro treaty parties and other shit that I gleaned from

the Wikipedia article after Will assigned it to me. They mostly seem like the shitty American center right party. Not really. They ripped us off our greatest idea from the 90s welfare reform. Big into the, big into the idea of letting Apple come here and be like, yeah, this is an Irish company. Like I said, so they can pay even lower taxes than hysterically low American corporate rates. So the CEOs can afford pomegranate enemas invented by Steve Jobs to prevent cancer that he learned here. When they were stationing Apple here, Steve Jobs met an Irish guy who was like, yeah, you can cure pancreatic cancer. He didn't know they just do that. They just love life. Yeah, dude, just stick this naked juice up your asshole. Holy, I've hacked it. No, they actually,

they offered all of their organs to all the Apple executives. They were like, take whatever you want. You want a pancreas? I got one for you. Delivers a bit banged up though. They were just ziplock bags filled with beans. But so you're, we're gonna have a lot of trouble with this word. It looks like a Tao siege. That's what it looks like. I'm not saying I think that's how it's pronounced. That's just what it looks like to me. You're king. Leo, you're not helping me. This is not making this process go easier for me. Leo, okay. Leo, King Leo. Right. He descended from King Leopold of Belgium. So if you want to cancel him for something, cancel him for his grandfather. He was a bad guy. Look him up. You know, he used, I think,

official state letterheads to write a letter to Taylor Swift. Like just simmer down. Yeah, you guys don't realize when another one of you is talking. I can't imagine, you know, that's probably why all both the political parties just decided they believed the same shit. That's the parliament's probably like, you're just talking over each other. Fucking Leo is up there like me trying to come up with new ways of helping American companies lie and you're just yelling. You're just fucking yelling and you're not helping him like you're not helping me. Anyway, he oversaw the repeal of the A's. So Gigi's man did some other bad shit. But yeah, no, I mean, in the end, they will have to answer for why I

could not access my Google Doc and this crucial moment that had, I think, like three or four more facts in there. But yeah, that's fine gal. And if they ruled in my country, they would be a further left political party than anything ever in my lifetime. But they're just your shitty center right party. Nice. Okay. Okay. Virgil, tell us about the fail party. The fail army. I had a, what's it called? Finafoil? Finafoil, yeah. Now don't ask them. They have lots of things to say. Another county heard from. And I was confused at first because this appeared to be the exact same party that Felix got. Just another fucking center right dipshit fucking cunt party. This one was founded in the 1920s, which means it's been around way too long for me to properly

research this entire thing. Got the rough gist of it. These are your never Trump cuck guys. Like your country club business pervert type center right conservatives. Yeah. All right. All right. Works out. I told that they've been in power for a long time, not going to go over what they did guessing it's all good stuff that we support. Much how we support Jeff Bush and those types and Lindsey Graham from our country. Only interesting thing I found was apparently they have an anthem. Is that a real thing or was that just some Wikipedia nonsense? Yeah, it's party rockers by LMFAO. No, you know what? Fuck it. It is a real thing. It's 100% their anthem and Chris is going to play it for you right now. It's a bop. Another Monday morning. See the children off

to school, preparing for a change in world tomorrow. Jesus Christ. You know the lyrics. You fucking people. Brandon, it's your cousin also named Brandon. I've got that new sound you're looking for. I will work to build the country they'll be living in. Oh, this is a bop. Yeah, I hate those guys. They hate all those guys that are Warren Buffett, I think. They fucking saw it, dude. Physically indistinguishable, what the fuck? We'll be there in the future as we were in the past. We'll be there even longer. We'll be there even stronger than before. Damn, we'll go ahead and say it's a really bad idea to start playing music this early. All right, damn. That's much better than the

Democratic Party Anthem. Smack my bitch up. All right, enough of the song. Enough of the song. That's no fight song. Yeah. Okay. Amber, you have one. I have one. Matt's going to go last. So Amber, your next political party. Okay, so I had a few options because Matt got the good one. So I could have done labor or greens or social Democrats or whatever. Calm down. And I think I actually might have the greatest amount of knowledge. He has to piss, don't worry. The greatest amount of knowledge of contemporary Irish politics. Matt probably knows the most history. But that mainly means that I know that you have the worst health care in Europe.

And I understand kind of like memes about a place called Kremlin. So I do know that the parties are also very similar in that they all like want like three gay pride marches a week. And they don't really care that you make like 3,000 euro or you have to pay like 3,000 euro a month for like to live in a shoebox. And that they all want to allow tech companies to the right of prima noctis. So they're all like that. I get that. So I picked human dignity lines because at least they're different. Yo, I've got a lot of human dignity in those sheets right now. Yo, Jamie Kerchick think he's slick. No, but but here's the thing that he does look a little like me.

So I like that's kind of what because there's there's like two types of Irish people and some of them look one way and some of them look like that. So I understand you all like, you know, like your like Catholicism or whatever. Which that's the no, no, no, that's that's fine. Jesus forgives you. But so this is this party is red like like this freak Ronan Mullen, Nick Mullen's dad. But this guy is Catholic in a terrifying freakish way. And the party itself, which is incredibly unsuccessful, but it's like a far right party, most notable for the opposition to same sex marriage and being really against abortion.

And most famously again, also I I scoured Wikipedia because we're nothing if not scholars here. After the Sandy Hook tragedy. That oh boy, there's never anything good that comes after that. I know, I mean, I don't know this guy, but it's not going to be like he sent his condolences. So he thought he did admit that it was sad. Okay, but he wanted to remind people not to slip into double think where we forget a whole category of children in our own country. Oh, what a piece of shit. And then the other thing is that when they were having the debate around abortion,

his his his other goofing gaff was to say that one of the reasons they said that might be a good reason for a woman to seek an abortion would be mental health. And he said that mental health has no evidence base, which to be perfectly fair in Ireland might be true. I mean, that's what Freud said. Yeah, it doesn't work on him. Literally impervious to mental fucking health. Yeah, so those are your like bullets off a Superman. Those are your super extreme right wing freaks that don't really have a huge presence, but they every once in a while pop up on RTE and look ghoulish. So I chose the Irish Labor Party. Wait, I don't understand. I don't get it. I don't understand. It's labor. That's good, right? Working class. It's a working class party, right?

Wait, wait, wait. It's a workers party for workers. I was like, I was like, oh, these are the the Social Democratic Party founded by James Connolly and James Larkin. Damn, these guys sound cool. James Connolly is a cool guy. Yeah, this is an awesome party of awesome people. Basically, the story there is Irish Labor Party, like pretty much every other labor in Social Democratic Party has steadily moved to the right and imposed austerity on everyone who's ever voted for a belief in them. Damn, that's such as, you know, we should probably do something about that at some point. However, the one thing I have gleaned from Irish Labor is that the current leader of the Irish Labor Party is a guy named Brendan Howlin.

So I know they've kind of fallen on hard times. They may kind of sort of peaked in like the early teens, but they've like, you know, plummeted now in the representation. So here's my fix for Brendan Howlin. He needs to immediately rebrand and change his name to Howlin Brendan. And sort of become like a 1950s style radio rock and roll DJ. You listen to the Howlin Brendan and we got some dudes coming here for you. And then we're going to turn this whole thing around. We're going to turn. It's going to be a workers party. Irish Labor around. It's going to be a workers party again. It'll be a twerkers party.

Okay, that's Irish Labor Party. They knew. They got it. They're cool. But they don't have asses here. That's true. Oh my God, I'm trying to imagine an Irish person twerking. Which brings us to. Yeah, it'll look like just like a cardboard flap blowing in the wind. That's Irish Labor, which brings us now finally to Matt.

Okay, the last one. All right. Sinn Féin. Yeah. All right. This is all I have. I researched all afternoon. This is all I have.

Sinn Féin. It was founded by heroes. They have never done anything wrong ever. I have a family. So that's pretty much Irish politics for you. That's all of it. But I want to say, I was trying to figure out Irish politics. And I couldn't do it on my own.

However, there is one resource for understanding not just Irish politics, but Ireland in general, that is indispensable. And I think maybe some of you guys are familiar with it. It is a resource called the Ireland Simpsons fans meme page. It's Top Crack. I think a couple of them may be in the audience tonight, but I want to give them credit for doing the actual... This explains the political parties better than anything I've seen.

So let's put up the political alignment Simpsons chart here. So what I love about this is you have... We understand now. I get it now. We understand. I get it. It all makes sense. It all makes sense.

You've got Finnafail is Mr. Burns. Finnageil is Mr. Snruv. Labour is Mr. Burns when he's pretending to be a teenager. Sinn Féin is run by a handsome beardo who is also probably a... Hank Scorpio. Yes, I know. Run by Hank Scorpio. Yeah, who's that guy?

I've seen the show. None of us know the Simpsons. The fucking Simpsons, dude. What's that show? Oh, that's Peter Griffin. Sinn Féin run by a handsome beardo who is also a supervillain. Green Party Gill. Oh, Gill.

Poor Gill. Renewa, won't someone please think of the unborn children, lady? The anti-austerity people, Ned Flanders' parents. I mean, they seem like they have the best politics, technically, but... And then finally, the social democrats, Hank Grimes. Again, I didn't even investigate the social democrats, but I'm like, I get it now. Did you just call him Hank Grimes? He did!

This motherfucker called him Hank Grimes! You called him Hank Grimes, motherfucker! You called him Hank Grimes! You're going in the dunking chair! Okay, I guess I haven't seen the Simpsons, fuck. That's... My career's over, oh well. It's been a good run, Dublin.

It was great to go out like this. You're at the bottom of your rankings in both of your families now. All right, so moving on, there's a book I want to talk about. And it's by an American author, and I've been saving this one up. I've had this on my back pocket for weeks now, and I knew I had to do it here in Dublin tonight. Joseph Smith was a man who lived in the early 90s. It's been a running theme tonight on the show of Americans who for a myriad of reasons seek to romanticize Ireland or sort of reach out to it and find in you guys something that they want or are missing in themselves.

Tato chips. Which I'm sure you guys all really love and respect. Are you familiar with an American sort of like arch-conservative writer named by the name of Michael Brendon Doherty? I call him Michael Brendon Dohey. So he's just published a book that came out just the other week called My Father Left Me Ireland. Which is like, thanks dad. Really, they were missing a comma. It was My Father Left Me comma, Ireland.

He left him Ireland, but that was fucking it. Literally nothing else. So this is his sort of memoir, and you know, the thing to understand about Michael Brendon Doherty, because this may seem mean, is that he's a total piece of shit lunatic fucking trad cat psycho. No, he thinks like the Magdalene Laundries are like a model for social policy. He's written this book about how he was raised by a single mom in America after his Irish father just knocked her up and then went home. And he's written this book about him reconnecting with his Irish roots after the birth of his daughter. And it sucks shit.

I'm going to read it to you now. And the important thing is I was looking for reviews of this book. And the thing you ought to understand is the only people who reviewed this book were his friends. And they all gave it great reviews. Including an interview with friend of the show Matthew Walther. You guys remember that guy at all? Okay, we got some Walther heads in here. Five stars from Francisco Franco Jr.

I just want to start here. Again, this is Michael Brendon Doherty's My Father Left Me Ireland. I just want to begin by reading you the table of contents. And every chapter is written as a letter to his absentee father back in Ireland. So, table of contents. There are men in this audience that are going to start crying. Just remember this guy sucks. Chapter one, only child single mother.

Chapter two, putting childish things away. Chapter three, who made me? Chapter four, marooned by history. Chapter five, rebel songs as lullabies. Chapter six, father tongue. I think a few people in the audience might be familiar with father tongue. A little bit of PTSD there. Bram line is much not anticipated sequel.

Chapter seven, reconciliation. You know, the sad thing is that we met his dad last night. We really hit it off. He said, you're the son I never had. So, I'm just going to begin here. And now keep in mind, in the reviews of this book, people have said this book is like really beautifully written. So, this is chapter one.

Dear father, do you remember when you put the hurl into my hand? Woke up this morning, got myself a hurl. I don't know, I don't know what a hurl is. His dad just like vomiting in his hand. It's a sport you would hate. It's like, it's an idiot cross between soccer and lacrosse. Wow, that sounds like shit, man. Sorry.

And see, now they turn on him and you're back. I'm good, baby. Yeah, back up the rankings. Whereas the only person I've alienated tonight is my own father. I'll be writing him a series of letters soon to be published. Be looking for that in 2020. So it says, dear father, do you remember when you put the hurl in my hand? I was six, I think. It was a gray day in Claire.

Kind of gray I never saw at home in America. I remember the shabby carpet. We love the beautiful grays here, the romantic gray. I remember the shabby carpet of the shop's floor and the mumbled instructions to put my hands at my side. A number of these hurls, these wooden axes used in a sport I didn't know were held up to my body for sizing. I couldn't understand much of what the men in the shop were saying.

They're thick Irish accents, so different from yours. It meant that in the whole world... Yeah, I'll give you three euros for the boy, but not anything more than that. Can he share a sheep? I only understood you and my mother. On a day like this, it meant that the world beyond the three of us faded into the background. A little lilt on the air, a charming mumble. Oh, Jesus Christ.

All my boyhood memories of you are like this. A brief suggested interruption of a life I lived without you. We would meet, you would delight in your son. I would feel spoiled rotten, trying to soak up each moment, all it together in all its detail. Then we would part, and the moments after, I would wait for you before becoming quiet for days. God, now I feel bad, fuck.

I knew this would happen. Well, just remember that this guy fucking sucks. You guys, I remember other little flashes of things about our trip to Ireland. I remember my mother, her mother and I taking a ferry to one of the Arran Islands. We walked a five-mile stretch, and I tried to take seriously the charge a local man gave me to uncover the ferries there. Again, liars, lying all the time. That dude was just fucking with his child.

Just fucking with a kid. More so than hurling the national sport. He probably laughed at the predictable gullibility of Americans. Yeah, no shit. Oh man, these dumb fucking Americans, they're five-year-olds are stupid as fuck. Wow man, you really got him. Nice. Good shit.

And he goes on here, you know what? And he goes, I remember being waist-high to you and my mother crowded dark pubs somewhere and the slight renegade thrill of being in a place for adults. I remember the way you ended your sentences with a suggestive, you know, to this boy's ears, it was an invitation to be with you in every story. I was working in the black market, you know. When you were born, I went straight, you know. Not very much money, you know.

My important counting of the drinks each of you had was appraised as the work of America's anti-drinking propaganda on the young. But this just sounds like a dub on Coke. I'm sorry, yeah. This is too fucking sad. So the last thing I'll say is he talks about how his mom lost her job at Toshiba because it was, at the time, unacceptable for an unwed mother to be working for a Japanese core corporation.

And then she got another job at IBM. Michael Brendority is spending every waking moment of his life as part of a political movement seeking to make sure that is a reality for every single mother in America. So, once again, fuck Michael Brendority. Fuck you, daddy. Stay in America. You're from New Jersey, asshole.

You're from fucking New Jersey. Stay there. If you guys really wanted to sell t-shirts, you're from fucking New Jersey would go really well. So finally tonight, like I said, Dublin, we are closing out our European tour here with you guys tonight. It's been a joy. It's been a pleasure.

It's been, I would say, far and away the most lit crowd I think we've ever had. Yeah. Yeah. So we have, you know, Americans abroad in Europe, you know, feeling like Henry James up in this motherfucker. So what of the issue? Is there something that you've learned or remember about this trip? Do you want me to call the bee specials, motherfucker?

Let us finish. Settle down. I would say communal urinals. That's one big difference. I love the, I love the Pistraw. Yeah, exactly. The Pistraw. In America, you get a discreet urinal one per guy.

Not efficient. No. Get everyone in there. Pack it up. Get 50 dudes pissing together. No, it was great. We were at this one bar in Manchester and there was like a turn in the Pistraw. Yep.

And I was peeing one way and Virgil was peeing the other. And I was like, dude, I'm watching you pee. This is great. You got the best angles. I'm watching your urine. Turn a corner. I watched Will pee and that's how I knew he was Irish. Oh, fuck.

Amber? Oh, okay. You know what? Just wait for it. So I learned that all the stereotypes are true. They're all real. They're all true to some extent or another. But if you're a Marxist, that's interesting because you know that there's a material basis

and there is such a thing as culture and there is such a thing as national character. But it's very interesting to learn about why those things exist because we are all still people wherever you go and it's all still the same thing as class war. And I also learned that sometimes it's not coke, it's ketamine. So if you're, and like I, that's not my thing, but like Germans are very casual about that drug, which is a thing I learned, which I get because they want to forget some things. But yeah, if you're going to take away one thing from tonight, just remember it's class war and make sure it's coke.

Just because it might be ketamine. My secret for that is just let Will do it first. And if he doesn't die, then you can do it. Yeah, this is my role as a sort of showrunner and conductor of the podcast. Taster. Virgil, do you know the story, the ones who walk away from the omelas? Are you familiar with this? It's a very, very short story and it's about this city, this village, which has great social

cohesion. Everyone extremely happy. Nobody works very much. All property is communal and they have festivals and things like that and everyone's happy. And the twist at the end of the story is that all of this is made possible by torturing exactly one child for their entire life. And some people, when they learn that, they're so disgusted by it, they walk away. And that's the whole story.

Berlin. Wait for it, wait for it. Berlin felt like the most perfect place on earth until you realize that they're torturing one person and that's Greece. Felix. Well, the biggest thing I learned overall, I learned a couple of things, but the biggest thing I learned, the big picture is nothing. Because I was already right about so much.

The second thing is the anxieties that most Americans feel about traveling to a new place. Oh, am I supposed to stand on the street this way in Germany? Am I supposed to, you know, throw this out this way in fucking England? If the Holocaust happened or any number of bad things... It did, by the way. Let me finish my sentence. Yeah, let's clear that up. I wasn't ending that thought on that.

If, you know, this country did the Holocaust or they did like a chintzy medieval version of the Holocaust like England did in the 12th century, you don't have to feel bad about anything. They owe you an apology. You can throw out whatever. You can just get everything wrong. They're the asshole. Fuck them. It's okay.

And third thing I learned after a lifetime of hearing this in eSports context, EU players, not all they're cracked up to be, sorry. Your pros are very good, but your bub players kind of shitty. God damn, we're trying to leave here without getting killed if he looks shit. So Dublin, Ireland, that's it. We're sipping that Uncle Juice 2020, 2019. Always sipping that Uncle Juice. For real though, before we go, before we go, before we go,

I do have to sort of like go against all of my natural instincts and, you know, essentially break kayfabe, break irony, and give a few sincere and earnest thank yous. Starting with, of course, you know, my dad. Sorry about that. Let's give him a hand. Let's give him a hand. But really importantly, I really want to say what... I'm trying not to get killed in this country.

What the fuck? Who he wants to thank at the end of all this? I mean, shit, after the show, yeah, but this is being recorded right now. No, really, honestly, a sincere and earnest thank you to Liberty Hall. I cannot say what an honor it is to perform at this venue. A venue of this historical pedigree. It's truly profound and a privilege to be here with you guys tonight. This is very special for us, actually.

No, it genuinely is, and I really want to thank you guys for sharing this with us. And last, but almost certainly not least, we must all thank and please give a round of applause to the guy who makes this all happen, our producer, Chris Wade, everybody. Ah, the ones and twos! Baby sitter! Dublin, Ireland, that is the end of Choppo Trap House's European tour. You guys fucking kick ass. Thank you so much.

Thank you. We are Choppo Trap House. Good night, everybody. Thank you so much. Okay, one thing. Wait, wait, wait. One more thing. One more thing.

Fuck, I totally forgot this. One more thing. We're going to be hanging out in the Connolly Room if you want to come by and say what's up or sign a book or something like that. Just give us like 10, 15 minutes. We'll be in the Connolly Room, so please come by and say hi. Dublin, Ireland, Liberty Hall, you guys fucking rock. Thank you.

Thank you so much. Good night. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. Thank you.