Chapo Trap House - 340 - A Big Bowl of Strawberry Ice Cream (8/12/19)

Episode Date: August 13, 2019

We catch up on Jeffrey Epstein's curious fate, discuss Joe Biden's wonderful brain, introduce a new character into Chapo canon, and describe what a "fair" is for our listeners who might not know. Thanks to @betaOdork for the Biden comp: https://twitter.com/BetaODork/status/1160648971037155329 Tickets to our Call of Cthulhu live play in Providence on Aug. 23rd here: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/chapo-trap-house-plays-call-of-cthulhu-live-tickets-62234533164

Ladies and gentlemen, they got him. Yes, they did. They got him. Jeffrey Epstein has been compromised to a permanent end. Uh huh. Okay. So we're now, we're now, you know, T plus days from, you know, zero hour. Yeah. At the MCC correctional facility in downtown Manhattan. I, you know, I know you guys are probably, your, your minds are vibrating at quite similar frequency to ours now with regards to this Jeffrey Epstein, Jeffrey Epstein's suicide. And I'm, I'm doing the air quotes in the air. He, he killed himself in federal custody. Was he on suicide watch? I don't know. Apparently not. Yeah. No. He'd only just tried to kill himself two weeks ago. Why would you have him as suicide watch? I, I want to be clear.

We are on the road right now. We are coming to you from Des Moines. We are separate from our sicko hunter home base. Yeah. I don't have my cork board. I don't have any of my, any of the connections, my yarn connectors. I didn't bring any of my notebooks and all the, all the various proofs that I have. Uh, you know, Felix is not with us either. Uh, I do suspect we will do another deep dive episode into this story. Probably get, um, you know, sicko hunter West coasts or West coast soldiers, uh, Brace and Liz back on the hunt. I'd like to get them back in the cut and do, you know, a much longer episode about this. But, uh, suffice to say, uh, I woke up, uh, you know, on Saturday, my birthday,

looked at my phone as you do, sort of half, half asleep. And I'm seeing people like, I can't even take this FC shit. Like I, I don't even know what to say. And I'm like, tell me about it, brother. This case is wild. Scroll a little bit further. Jeffrey Epstein dead in his cell of a teacher or just said, killed himself. So, you know, just that thing that happens. Why do you need more specifics to that? He killed himself. Yeah. I, I, I don't know what more I can say about this right now. It's just goddamn beyond everything at Tom.

I just like, you know, here, here is what I know for sure. There's a number of possibilities of what could have happened here. Him killing himself is not one of them. Possible likelihood lowest rung murdered for sure. Oh yeah. Body double swaps. Honestly, not outside the realm of possibility at this point. Can we really say anything is too insane? Come on people. This is happening right in front of your face. There's looking you in the face and saying, yeah, a cuss, a fuck, a guy in federal custody in a secure housing unit who had previously tried to kill himself was left unsupervised. Also air quotes around that somehow kill themselves in a cell where there's almost nothing that you could hang

something from and there's nothing to hang anything from. Oh, he just did it. And we're just supposed to say, okay, and you're telling us in no uncertain terms, there's, what are you going to do about it? And that's why this serves two purposes. It gets what Epstein out of the way. And it is just a big fuck you. We now have to walk around with that in our heads. We have to think, how can we ever think we're going to beat these people when they could do something like that right out in public and there's not a goddamn thing we could do about it? I mean, this is like a week after we learned that he captivated some of the leading minds of Harvard and some of the top scientists in the world, captured

their imaginations with a plan to freeze his brain and dick and create a teenage sex farm for breeding purposes where he basically wanted his DNA to populate the universe and take over humanity just through AI genetics and supervillain the shit like like volcano layer supervillain shit. And you know, like I just him at a dinner party of like, you know, the leading minds of Harvard and he's just like, yeah, through cryogenics, artificial intelligence and my dick, we're going to create a race like a super race, a super race of incredibly horny, piano playing math prodigy. And then like, you know, Steven Pinker or whoever is like, interesting, tell me more. Yeah. But yeah, now we did the episode two weeks ago,

it's just like, oh, well, I guess they tried to kill him. I guess the question is how did why did that fail? I mean, the thing is, is there's no way of knowing exactly what happened. Maybe the first one was him trying to get moved. You know, maybe it was fake. Maybe it was a maybe it was like fending off an attack. Who knows? There's so many variables. All we know is that the likelihood that it is what we're being told is almost zero, almost zero. And why I would put it even beyond zero is the fact that on, on Saturday, you know, when this news broke, which is like, you know, an event that happens where like the gulf between what you're seeing can understand through your own perception and what you're

being told is so vast. It's just like, anyone can look at this and just be like, come on, come on. This is like, he got killed a day after these court documents got unsealed, you know, linking this human trafficking ring to Bill Richardson, George Mitchell, among other people, and then also an unnamed prime minister and already Prince Andrew, the mother of the royal family, you know, and then now that he's dead, there is no criminal case. Yeah, that's over. There's no other person who's been charged with anything. So, oh, well, I guess we could just close the book on that one and dust our hands off remains to be seen. I asked this of several of the presidential candidates at the Iowa State

Fair yesterday, the senators in particular, whether the Senate should convene hearings on this and maybe have some of his alleged victims and the people who have, you know, brought this case to light to testify and tell their story, you know, in front of the in front of a false, you know, the Senate and in television cameras, I think they deserve not just the chance to publicly state their case and, you know, the accusations that, you know, of what has happened to them. But also, I think they're probably in extreme danger themselves and any more and any more public anything and any more public profile we can get for these for these women are, you know, to protect them. I think is, you

know, extremely necessary. Absolutely. They've clearly gone rogue here. They'll do whatever it needs to be done to cut this off. I think I had a realization. This is not a thing I can say with any certainty, but it is a hunch I've had. So the two more likely questions and the two likely answers to the question, what happened absolutely least likely is that he actually killed himself because he was so sad or more likely one of two things. One, they killed him snuffed him out to body switch. Those two things correspond to two different theories, I think of the case. One, if they body switched them, then that answers the question of the dead man switch. The question of how can they kill Epstein if as is likely

being a guy in his situation, he has contingencies to release sensitive information if he is ever killed. So that means in that case, they would have to switch him out because they can't kill him. If they killed him, I think it's for this reason. They were able to do it for this reason. I think that in a real sense, Jeffrey Epstein wasn't real. I do not think that what we assume as Jeffrey Epstein, like his hedge fund, his network of properties, his life, I don't think that that was really him. I feel like it is a straw name that is used by the network and by intelligence agencies to move money around, to move girls around, to maintain properties. And there's a name attached, there's a body attached to that

name and it's this guy. And he might really be Jeffrey Epstein. That might be the name on his social security card. But he has no actual connection to the higher levels of the money moving around and the actual edifice of the thing being organized. He's just along for the ride, which means if he gets caught, you just fucking cut the string and it's over because he never had access to anything that could have compromised anybody because he's just a cutout. I will, I'll depart slightly from, I think Matt's brain has gotten a little too galaxified off of this. The Jeffrey Epstein is not a real person. He's the Kaiser Soze. He's a name.

A spook story. He's a spook story. He's a pedophile. It's a pedophile, like front man. I will say this though. The thing that leads me to believe that almost anything is possible other than the official story of him killing himself in federal custody, like as this trial was beginning to bring to light all sorts of incredibly damning things about, let's be honest, the most powerful people in the world. The reason I think it is almost impossible that he killed himself is that immediately after the story happened, I saw takes from numerous journalists all saying some variation of, you know, I don't know. I mean, it's, it's odd, but I don't think we need to be all conspiratorial about this. People kill

themselves in prisons all the time. It's one of the leading causes of death in prison. And as Matt Brady quite correctly pointed out, that's assuming that all of those, at least a good percentage of those aren't also shoddy murder coverups. Tons of jail suicides are actually murders. And even the ones that are suicides are jail suicides. Like some fucking county jail with minimal security. He's in a fucking federal secure housing unit two weeks after having already tried to kill himself. He had no fucking roommate. They taken the roommate out of his room right before it happened. This is not a normal situation. It just does not make sense. It does not add up. It does not add

up, sir. I mean, like I said, I expect we will do a deeper dive back when we're at a sickle hunter or a world headquarters to try to just sense out, try to make some sense of this. I mean, it still remains fascinating, but I think what remains to be seen is, you know, will this work? And then it'll just everyone will just forget about it and move on or will, will anyone in the government pick up any kind of further investigation into what's going on here and the Truman Trafficking Network that has, you know, been the outlines of which are, you know, strongly intimated by this case.

I got to say, like in my dark moments, I feel like that the whole Epstein affair, if you think of him as just like a name for this network, a label for the trafficking area, the trafficking nexus, if it's if him, his name getting out, getting arrested, this guy going to jail, that is a glitch in the code, basically, of the algorithm of world government, right? Like the thing that the move keeps money and influence and power circulating across the globe. That is, at this point, basically a computerized system, and he is one element of it, and they fucked something up in the code. They messed up. Somebody got sloppy. And this is the code rewriting itself and eliminating the glitch. And we're just

going to forget about it. It's going to be something that is just a mere tickle in the back right of that was weird that time that happened, right? The guy who was friends with the two presidents and had a trafficking ring just killed himself in federal custody. That was weird. And then we just forget about it. What I also think was funny is that Donald Trump did retweet something from like some comedian who's a fan of his video or he was like, come on, like you're telling me that like, you know, this guy had the dirt on the Clintons and like he just killed himself in jail, blah, blah, blah, and Trump and Trump was retreating, essentially endorsing the

idea that the Clinton, you know, death list, which, you know, by the way, might be real. I think it speaks for itself. But what I find hilarious about that is Trump is Trump is like, this is this doesn't add up, which doesn't make sense. It's fishy. Someone's going on here. Someone's rotten. And it's just like, if he were just still Donald Trump, that would be funny and understandable. But it's like, you're the president. You're the fucking president. You're telling me you couldn't keep this guy alive in federal custody. He thinks his presidency is watching himself be president on television. He has no actual control over anything that's happening. All he could do is tweet. Wow. That's crazy. Fucked

up. Fucked up, if true. All right. Well, I don't want to go on too long about this, you know, like I said, I'm sure your brains are humming at a similar frequency, but we will be, we'll be back. And like I said, I'd like to talk to Brace and Liz again. Yeah, I just want to run one idea by them. And that is that this entire thing is it's either what I said earlier, a glitch in the code that needed to be refixed, debugged, or an intentional freemasonic ritual called the making manifest of that was just hidden in which the occult powers reveal themselves to the masses as a ritualized coming out a

revelation, an apocalypse to bring in the new dawning era, the age of Horus. Are we in the age of Horus? Stay tuned for further details. It's the year of the pig. I would like to get Virgil in on this conversation. Virgil, I am here. Yes. Yeah, reporting from the other couch. Virgil doesn't like talking about the dark forces. I know I know I like talking about the dark forces. I just, as you've seen, Matt is on another wavelength. He's off the spectrum at this point. And the past few days of hanging out with him has just been an endless torrent of that sort of thing. And I can't really maintain my sanity in this.

Basically a Lovecraft protagonist. Just keep in mind, we are again, we are in the field right now as we'll talk to you about. So we are cut off from our regular supply of substances that make us human in New York. We have been making do with local noncraft cocaine, various poultices, tinctures. I've been eating, I tried this. It's a local delicacy at the State Fair. It's called a GMO. Well, yeah. So we have been at the Iowa State Fair for the last three days. I'm going to, we're mostly going to keep our powder dry on our State Fair experiences because we are doing a live show here in Des Moines tomorrow night that I want to be, you know, Iowa State

Fair based. We've seen a lot of the candidates. We saw Daddy Bernie. We saw the King Pimp. We saw the King Pimp himself. The most, the most, I think, I mean, you know, the most big dickhead player in American public life. No question. I think there's absolutely no question about that. It's Bernard Sanders right now. He's the king. We saw a lot of the other losers as well. We just had in our rented house slash dojo.

In the dojo. In the dojo. The sex dojo. The sex dojo. Should we save this for the show or should we tell, explain to people where we're recording? I feel like the listeners have a right to know where we're recording right now. So we are at and we booked our travel last minute. We had to run an Airbnb and there was exactly one still available in Des Moines and it is a small palace in suburban West

Des Moines on a normal, you know, every town USA street. There is a, what do you, a pagoda here? Yeah. The first thing we see is outside this, this area with an anime of four pigs doing karate moves. And it says, like, you have the double down dojo and then you walk in this house and it's like very 1970s, but like every single aspect of the decor has been designed by someone who wanted to create a sort of air status version of something, I guess, can only be

described as vaguely Asian. Yes. It's like Asian theme. It's, it's oriental in the way that like a, a, a family Chinese buffet might be. We could. It's like the scene in Boogie Nights, like after he gets money and gets a house and he's showing Julianne Moore around and he goes, do you like it? It's my dojo. Imagine if that was the entire house.

It's also in the architecture. Basically you could remake Boogie Nights in this house and not leave every, every location. There is a faux thatched ceiling. God, what the hell else is in here? There's a moat. There's a water. There's a dry water feature in one of the things he's got like a room that's just his golfing stuff. There's a parent head.

There's a lot of bedrooms with like full Florida ceiling mirrors facing the bed. This is, yeah, there was a sauna in the basement. There's like, you know, dragons and like Chinese zodiac signs everywhere. But again, it's not specifically Chinese cause it's so Japanese. I mean, it's like, yeah, pseudo offensive, but also kind of pimp, kind of baller. Very 70s. Yeah. Extremely 70s.

Yeah. Extremely 70s. He also loves bacon. Yeah. There's a lot of bacon memorabilia strewn throughout the place. My bedroom doesn't have a door. There's also strange damage to this place that's all very inexplicable. For instance, this curtain over here, there is a, one of the window curtains is just perfectly

sliced as if done by a katana. We've not actually found the katanas though. Yeah. And, you know, it is this mix of like, it's all catch, but it's a mix of like Americana stuff where there's just like a core, like a neon chorus sign behind like the living room bar right next to like a giant like porcelain Buddha's head. There's a lot of glass surfaces here. We are recording from the cuddle puddle zone, these circular couches around a glass table.

Yeah. Now we're recording in the cuddle puddle room and we just had earlier today in the dojo slash polycule, we had a admirable admiral Joe Sestak, yes, who I honestly, we saw him yesterday and it was like when I saw opening, I saw, this is like when I was a kid and I saw a fucking arcade fire open for the unicorns. I didn't know who they were. And I just stopped when they started playing wake up and stared at the stage like, how the fuck?

He was just a pimp. He's like this live, he's got the body of a dancer. He's got this opened striped shirt. He looks like he's the polycule president of Del Boca Vista stage three and he's like moving his body around his voice is shaking. He has a great command of up and down. He can his voice trembles. He's got a great, great emotional range.

He has this vision, this like militarized state, like, like a, like a, like a military socialism. Kind of like Starship Troopers. Starship Troopers. Exactly. Like a, like a woke kind of woke fascism because it's like, and I was like, damn, I could imagine him being the guy who leads like a business plot coup, like shows up on TV one day and it's like, I'm Admiral Joe, I'm in charge now, be the worst thing that

could happen. That's not the worst outcome we have coming down the pike of folks. It's Donald Trump though, not FDR. So yeah, being a lookout for the, the candidate interview with a Joe Sestak and, you know, just again, want to make clear now, please don't hector us for not constantly scolding him about his participation in America KKK's military, we're just chilling. We're just chilling in the good vibe zone and it's just like, look, you don't have to agree with him.

You don't have to vote for him. He is now a character in your head and he has joined the menagerie of things that you have to know. Now, welcome, please welcome. It's chapeau season four. Today's special guest, the Admiral, you will match a wills being good cop right now. I'll be bad cop. Listen to the fuck up.

You will respect the Admiral. There is a commanding officer on the bridge. You will listen to this episode. Yes, you will donate to his campaign. And yeah, fuck that. You have to agree with him and you have to vote for him. He is. Sestak actually speaking of an officer on the bridge, he you remember, he's like a

synthesis of Riker and Picard. Yeah. You must make memes about him. That's the other thing. No, he is a new character. He's a character now in the meme space. Yes. No, he has he has he has joined the polycule and, you know, along with Barry and Andrew

Yang, you instead of for him instead of orbs, it will be boats. Yes. Maybe the whale emoji. I don't know yet. Well, let's just see what works. Yeah. And it would be things like you said, like Elizabeth Warren head and it would say, I have a plan.

Joe C. Stack. I have a boat. That's it. That's the meme. That's the meme concept. What is his speech? Andrew Yang says a thousand dollars a month. C. Stack a thousand boats a month.

I've got a plan. Yeah. I got a plan for that. More boats. Yeah. More ships. Yeah. Just a picture of Navy destroyer caption.

Can Bernie come out and play a him as the SimCity 2000 transportation advisor going, you can't cut back on naval funding. You will regret this. So, yeah, no, it's like we won a candidate at the state fair. We did. We took them home. It was great. I was, no, I was begging the guys.

Can we adopt him? I have to say, after we won him at the ring toss, I was pissed because I was like, there's no way we're going to drag him around here all day. We're going to have to forgetting him somewhere like the bathroom. But no, we remembered. We held on to him the whole day and got him back to the house. Yeah. And you know, we took him out of the little plastic bag and we put him in a proper fish

bowl. He likes it here, he loves it, got friends, he's got things to look at. No, I will say in the sauna right now. I will say about the Admiral. He showed up to our, to the battle space alone. Yeah. He has no entourage. He says he's been staying in Iowa for a month, living in a $40 a night O'Connell Lodge, which

is like that's pretty bleak. He's a real one. Yeah. No, but he showed up. They sent one man. Absolutely. And Admiral Joe showed up. One riot, one ranger.

Totally alone. No, we've talked about this. He is at a competitive disadvantage because I was a landlocked state. He does not have access to his power source, which is the massive fleet that he commands. Oh man, we'll see, we'll see how Joe does. Yeah. As things move forward. No, we, we know, I've said that I think that we're more likely to get us like a military

co-optation of politics and the economy rather than fascism in this country, if we have a real crisis. And in that sense, I think that Admiral Joe is the sort of a prefigure to figure like that. Like if it's not a guy, if it's not him, it's going to be a guy like him, espousing ideas like his, when the military just takes the reins in the moment of crisis, it'll be a C-stackian military leader. If that happens, though, he could be our Admiral Horthy.

If that happens, though, I want it to be a Navy guy and not one of these army or Marines. Absolutely. I think we should insist that our military rulers be from the Navy. Yeah. No, and I'm convinced now that Navy, you know, most chill of the five branches of the military. Well, because it's the easiest. He's the easiest one. You're going to ask him, like, isn't the Navy the easy one?

Yeah. I mean, you were saying, you were saying the other day when we were watching him speak, there was just like, he was just like, I was in the Navy, like they gave, they gave me a PhD in economics, philosophy, just listening off like these, you know, skills he acquired in the Navy. Like an ITT tech commercial. Yeah. Yeah.

And you were like, well, yeah, because it's like, there's tons of time to pursue. There's nothing to do. Yeah. You hang out on a boat and, you know, you take, there's like art classes and you can like get a PhD. That's like being on a cruise. And you were like, yeah, like all the, all the former Army guys, like their interests and skills are just like, yeah, I'm a gun guy.

Yeah. Guns. Gun at Army. All the Navy guys just have fucking, oh yeah, I've got a PhD in cultural anthropology. I served for eight years on a battleship. I'm into, I'm into guns and having brain damage. Then of course, you know, we can't have an Air Force dictator because those are, those fly boys are all hot doggers.

Oh no. That's that, that's that Pinochet helicopter energy. That's way too fascist. You don't even need a fucking Air Force. Like half of the Navy is planes. It's true. Get the fuck out of here. Yeah.

No, that's been actually a hobby horse of a few people for a while abolished the Air Force. And I, I'm in favor of it. We didn't used to be during the world war two, we went world war two, it was the Army Air Corps. And then they insisted on splitting off, get out of it. Get over yourself. No more Air Force.

Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye boys. See you. You go into the other ones and go into the other services. Bye-bye. And our, our, our, you know, quintessential vision of, you know, Alpha, you know, fighter pilot, you know, jock ace pilots is top gun.

Yeah. This is about the Navy. Yep. They were Navy pilots. They were laying on the aircraft carrier. It's cool. They had, they play the volleyball. Yep.

They have the tight jeans and white t-shirts. They sing. You lost that loving feeling. They, they, they say, uh, you must have carnal knowledge of a woman this time on the premises and then he, you know, yeah, they're, they're the biggest stick to the players and their Navy boys. Yep. Get rid of the Air Force.

Ships. Get to the glorious C. Stackey and naval power. All right. Uh, moving on. Uh, so like I said, we saw a lot of the candidates here, a lot of the players. The one guy that we didn't get a chance to see because we got here on Thursday, we got here the day he was doing his thing at the fair was, you know, Democratic front runner Joe Biden, friend of the show, Joe Biden.

And you know, he continued, he's had a, he's had a great week. Oh yeah. He's had a, he's not been sundowning for 78 straight hours. Ever since, you know, the debate, you know, he's been on fire, it cannot, cannot be stopped. He's had a string of, I don't know, I'll be nice and call them gaffes. Yeah. Um, among them, uh, confusing the Parkland and Sandy Hook mass shootings, saying I was vice president during the Parkland, uh, massacre, which was, you know, he'd been out of office

for two years. Yeah. Uh, he said, what was the thing where he was like black kids just to have as many skills as poor kids or just as smart as white kids, poor kids are just as smart as white kids. He said, uh, in the midst of one of his speeches, um, uh, we choose, uh, what truth over facts, truth over facts. Um, and, but you know, he did have a good moment here at the Iowa State Fair that I want to talk about some turning point USA, some Charlie Kirk, um, weasel, yeah, some, some weasel

from turning point USA, uh, this woman, uh, you know, got him in the, in the sort of not the press scrum, but like they walk around and, you know, eat the corn dog and everyone follows him around. Uh, and in the midst of that, one of, uh, one of, one of Charlie Kirk's little rats, how many gender he asked you about, and she asked you about how many genders there are and Biden responded at least three. That's so amazing. And then the fact that he just decided to go for it goes, there are at least three, uh,

the woman then asked him to name them. And then he said, don't play games with me kid, adding that he was the first one in the Obama administration to come out in support of marriage equality. And then apparently like he grabbed her arm and all the daily collar at weirdos or having a field day with that. It's so amazing cause you, he catch, she catches him and he knows that he said, Oh, I'm fucked. I have no idea.

All I know is I have a dim knowledge that it's definitely not two. I know it's not two. That's all I know. Uh, so I know two is not right. And then it's just like, am I going to ignore it? No, I'm just going to fucking hurry, heave the pink skin down the field, go for the fucking end zone. And it just goes at least three, at least three, uh, however, for anyone else who doesn't

want to get tripped up over this question and you know, Joe Biden, uh, not prepared to answer that question. What, you know, if you're not prepared for his question like that from, you know, a little rat like that, what you say is, you know, come on, get out of here, kid, you borrow them. Yeah. You know, that's one of the things. However, if you want to give the correct and right answer to that question, how many genders

are there? You say none, zero, zero or infinite. Those are both acceptable answers, but the answer is to say one, the human gender. I think zero is the best answer to that question. Yeah. There are zero genders. The gender is not real. As many as you want them to.

Yeah. Good luck, Joe. Well, this was, so this was the week when, uh, the press corps finally had to say, uh, we think he's too senile. Yeah. And that's when all, all the articles are now like, seems like Joe has a real Gaff problem, which you go to fuck it, which everyone knew was the fucking case. I mean, he had the Gaff problem back in like 1988 when he was a spry 300 years old.

This is a, this is Joe being Joe. But you know, now I mean, look, like someone ended together like a mega cut of his brain just short circuiting on camera and like, but it's all of recent vintage. Oh yeah. You know, this wasn't like when he came out, uh, when Barack Obama, uh, uh, nominated him as, uh, his vice president and he said, isn't this guy great? Barack America. Uh, so, uh, yeah, play the clip of the, uh, Joe Biden mega meltdown montage, uh, Rich

Fitzgerald, the county executive for Balgetty county executive being here and we know he's one of them, but that's, that's who are going to Joe 303 30 and help me in this fight. We can speak out and be more straightforward. Senator. I mean, no, no, but I mean, think about, I mean, it's not about, I know you're supporting by saying booing, but look, here's the deal union workers, the UAW took incredible cuts in their future. You don't have here in Miami and Florida, you don't have them here and that is if you

keep an audience, all these breakthroughs we have with the gentleman, the whole, excuse me, help people who have or in fact are, and like to get Alzheimer's by wall street bankers, CEOs and hedge fund managers. Poor kids are just as bright and just as talented as white kids. I found that pulling out, excuse me, the secretary, we sat together and many meetings. My wife is a full time teacher taught all, all during being when we're vice president, but president Tom and the Democrats around, the demagogues around the world. How can a person dig me be maintained and she never yields.

She does not break. She stands up. The bills that the president that, excuse me, the future president here that, that, that's the senator's talking about. We choose truth over facts. Whether I keep my recommendation in private, unlike you, I expect you would go ahead and say whatever was said privately with them. That's why I'll end the gag rule, the global gag rule that prevents money from getting

to NGOs. 100 billion dollars worth of, worth of loopholes in the law. Why they do that? I, you know, I looked at it anyway. That's what I think my plan, I know what my plan does. By strengthening, by strengthening, by strengthening. Oh, okay. So, ah, delightful.

But Virgil, it's your point that like the media, you know, after like, after his performance at the debate, where, you know, again, right after that, I said they were like strong, energetic, right? It's on top of the ball kind of thing. I'm not saying that this matters, but I kind of think that the worm is turning. And now this is the point where the media is like, okay, we're bored with him being the front runner. And I think this just precipitates a spate of negative press that he will not know how

to deal with because he's totally inflexible and incapable of analyzing or reacting to new circumstances. So he's just going to stay the course. It'll just get worse and worse, more embarrassing. No, but I think that the worm is turning slightly where like the media now either, you know, is proactively asking the question, like, hmm, do you think maybe he's, you know, fit and, you know, mentally fit enough or, you know, I think there's, maybe he's too old or not really, I think there's something going on there.

But similar to the Epstein thing where like there was like, you know, Saturday morning, like an hour after it happened, there just happened to be a whole bunch of takes and articles written within like, you know, a couple of hours just saying, it's totally normal people kill themselves in jails all the time. In fact, nothing to see here. In fact, by denying that it was a suicide, you're denying the horrible, uh, uh, mistreatment of prisoners in our nation's jail. Right.

Right. What do you really care about? That's what's really important. Not this silly conspiracy theories yet. One of the people who wrote that, by the way, for the Atlantic fucking North Atlantic magazine treaty organization, fucking Atlantic magazine was somebody who has a organization called it was the center for the study of institutions and alternatives, which is a charity think tank.

It's a nonprofit. It's a nonprofit. That's about. Prison reform. And I thought, that's weird. Why would they have this? Like on the ready. And I looked into it.

The guy who runs it is a trial lawyer for very wealthy white collar defendants who uses the like nonprofit generated data about prison in humanity, about the problems in prison in terms of, you know, basic human rights being violated and uses it to get lighter sentences for his scumbag white collar defendants. He's literally weaponizing social justice for the benefit of people who are absolute vampires. And that, that same testimony is not going to be used in the cases of anybody who's poor. They don't get that benefit.

He literally is selling it to the highest bidder. But like, you know, to the point now where it's like, yeah, after the obscene thing, a whole spate of articles being like, no big deal, people kill themselves all the time, nothing to see here. Let's all move on. Yep. Let's have a big bowl of strawberry ice cream. The Joe Biden gaffes thing is similar because just today and yesterday, seen a couple of

pretty big high profile articles, like opinion and then one thing in CNN.com that was basically presented as a news article. I'm going to read that because it's insane. But just essentially saying, this is a Washington Post opinion section by Paul Waldman. Lay off Joe Biden's gaffes and I'm just like, what's the idea here that like, I think Weigel pointed this out where he was just like, is the idea here if Democrats are nice to Joe Biden in the primary, that means that Republicans also have to be nice to him in the general. Yeah.

There's like they, Republicans will only remember that they don't like a Democrat if Democrats remind them. So, you'll see, we just hear a regular plumb line readers will know that I'm hardly Joe Biden's biggest fan. Oh God. What is it? I think that's the plumb line thing. Yeah.

He goes, I'm hardly Joe Biden's biggest fan, but reporters coverage of his gaffes is getting out of control. It's both unfair to him and a disservice to the American voters who are trying to figure out who their next president should be. And when the resident of the United States is the most prolific liar in American political history, he just passed and then in parentheses, he just passed 12,000 false or misleading claims. That's a lot of panopias.

And is waging a reelection campaign based on racism and fear, the idea that gaffes are an important campaign issue is particularly offensive. There's 25 candidates. That's what I don't get. I saw yesterday, somebody was making a joke about Biden's brain not working and a woman responded and said, look, okay, we don't have time to be nitpicking about somebody's brain farts. We got Trump at the White House and we need to beat him.

And I'm like, there are 25 other candidates and half of them have the exact same profile as Biden. They have the same issue positions. They're white men. They are straight. They have everything you think you need to beat Trump. They also don't have advanced dementia. Why are you so fixated on this motherfucker?

And like, it's like from progressives, like the plum line. That's like the progressive Washington Post blog, right? Plum line, I think, is ostensibly neutral election stuff. But yeah, like the progressives or Democrats or whatever, this idea that like, you know, when there's a threat like Donald Trump and he's running a campaign based on like racism and fear. Fine. That's all true.

But like, it's the primary right now. Yes. So the point is like, we all know the goal is to beat Donald Trump, but like, you can't say in the middle of a Democratic primary, like everybody just, let's ignore like the huge glaring flaw with the leading candidate. No, like this is where you're supposed to fucking vet the candidates and make sure that you nominate the fucking right, the one with the most support, the one that makes the most fucking sense.

Like this thing, if you want to beat Donald Trump, the way to do it is not to just be like, let's pretend Joe Biden's brain is fine. Everybody ignore what's right in front of your fucking face. Because the people you're going to be trying to get to vote for you in the general are not as weirdly invested in this as you are. So they're not going to have the brain screen to be like, no, he's fine. They're going to go look at him. You realize what the core matter is, is Biden's pitch implicitly is, I'm the most electable

one. I'm the one who does best in the hypothetical trial poll heats against Donald Trump. But the reality of the matter is Joe Biden has terrible political instincts. Yes. His last two presidential candidates were huge fucking disasters. He won one tough race for the United States Senate, and I guess for some local position before that in Delaware in the 1970s and since then has just coasted every single fucking time.

Yeah. In a machine state where they just trade off power by predetermined lot and they don't actually compete with one another. He's not had to win a competitive race or not been capable of winning one since the fucking 70s. The president twice before once in 1988, once in 2008, and they were both glorious failures which saw him scrape around one or two percent. And in the case of 1988 involved an incredibly embarrassing plagiarism scandal where it was

revealed that he just took an entire speech that was about his biography from the fucking British labor leader, Neil Kinnick. So he won, of course, two elections for the vice presidency drafting off Obama. That's it. People were voting for Obama. People were the other guy there. And he's still doing that. He's still fucking drafting on Obama.

That's why he's leading all the fucking polls. And once he gets the nomination, it will be Obama's fault the same way Hillary was. So he is responsible for both of them getting the nomination and then losing by giving them his like impreture as the popular guy. First he cleared the lane for Hillary and then after she ate shit and she can't run again, he's going to do the next best thing, which is draft off of people's residual affection for Obama. Well, it's a good thing he won't get the nomination then.

I mean, it kind of fits, though, doesn't it? I mean, it's October and we're watching those two sundowning old men jabber one another. It kind of is what, I don't know, seems like it's what we're headed towards. This is a good thing we actually we picked up on the other day. If it is Trump Biden and the general, the debates should be between Don Jr. and Hunter Biden. Absolutely. Because like that, that is a contrast that the Democrats can win with.

Yes. Don Jr. and Eric, Trump's idiot fail sons, to experience pleasure or get off, they pay like a hundred, 200 grand to do a fucking vanity hunt in Africa where they walk up to an elephant that's like chained to a stake and just shoot it in the fucking head. And then carve those pictures of those two fucking of Beavis and Butthead posing with the tail of like a giraffe that they just severed, looking like a fucking absolute animal. An animal that treats its family better, that is more deeply empathetic and more intelligent

than either of them. And they just kill beautiful exotic animals for fun. And that's how like, you know, they get off and experience pleasure. And they post on fucking the gun idiot message boards about it, about how they're a real runner. It's like, that's not even hunting. You're not even doing anything. And they think that they're fucking badasses for doing that shit. They think that they're outdoors, but they think they're Teddy fucking Roosevelt.

How much fucking guts does it take for fucking Don Jr. to, yeah, just put a crossbow to the eyeball of a fucking lynx compared to Hunter Biden walking into Skid Row in LA to buy crack, getting a gun put to his head and then coming back to buy more crack over the rest of the week. And if Don Jr. would do that, he would soil his fucking Gavardines at the very prospect. If they went, if the fucking cars slowed down too much and his window was rolled down in front of Skid Row, he would shit his fucking pants. No, it's like, yeah, yeah.

Don Jr. is like, you know, I like looking at a stock portfolio and shooting elephants for fun. And like, Hunter Biden's like, I smoke crack. Yeah. Dude, I'm off that base. Yeah, fun for me, that would be a smoking crack. What I like to do to unwind is, um, smoke crack. My day, you know, standard work day for me is, um, smoking crack.

It's about it. It's about it. Nice to meet you though. No, but Hunter Biden would also a beast, John Jr. Oh, just destroy him. All he has is like four canned jokes that he like got programmed into his head by Charlie Kirk. Oh, triggered much Hunter.

That would have never yet. You would just say triggered. And then Hunter would be like, you know, I wish Felix were here to like channel the Hunter energy, but he'd basically be like, you're down on the dirt and I'm fucking like sailing away in the sun, looking down on you like an angel. Fuck you. I'm glad you see this shit right now. My life is fucking beautiful now.

I've been in the gutter. I'm here. You don't know shit about me. Fuck you. Uh, uh, triggered. No, I, no, I, no, I didn't still let fucking VCR besides no one uses them anymore. I'm fucking beautiful. Hunter Biden is Joe Biden's only success.

Yes. All right. Let's see here. All right. I want to, I want to read this, this article because this is this was, this was actually shocking to me. This is in, this is at CNN.com in the politics section. I don't know if it's labeled as opinion or not.

Let me just double check. I don't think it is. I think this is just presented as a news article in the politics section of CNN.com. It's by, uh, someone named Maeve Reston, I guess as a reporter for CNN. And the headline is Joe Biden hears your taunts about his age, but he's busy running for president. This article is as close to just a straight press release from a political campaign published as journalism as I've ever seen. It is really quite stunning.

So this is Maeve Reston in CNN writing about Joe Biden, uh, Boone, Iowa. As Joe Biden worked his way down the rope line at the Boone County Fairgrounds Friday, his campaign was dealing with what has become a routine problem. The Trump campaign had seized on Biden's mix-up of two words during the previous night's speech. And that fit neatly into Trump's narrative that the 76-year-old former vice president isn't equipped for the mental rigors of the presidency because he's, quote, not playing with a full deck. And of course, Biden's get back to that is like, Trump's playing with a deck, but it's

all jokers. Uh, you know, that would be an incredibly powerful deck because jokers are wild. Yeah. It could be any card. It's like every hand's a royal flush there. Biden knew the questions were coming, but here in Boone, he was in the zone relaxed and seemingly untroubled as he offered well-wishers his skilled hand as they squinted in the bright sun trying to position their iPhones for selfies with Uncle Joe.

It's an ease that comes of years of experience with both crowds and scrutiny and one that he intends to use as he continues to make his case for the White House. He's just a regular guy, just like us, wants the best for our country and our people. And that's what we all want, said Sheldi Grebao, who describes herself as a 28-year-old stay-at-home mom who works with special needs students during the year. She and her friends were much more interested in Biden's message about rebuilding the middle class, which he describes as his North Star than his gaps. So I guess, you know, may have found, you know, a hardworking single mother who thinks

Joe Biden is just like her, and like, I'm more interested in his policies. My son also smokes crack. Yeah, he's more interested in his policies than the gaps. And it says, Biden locked eyes with Gary Craven, who told the former vice president that he'd recently lost his 48-year-old son, Todd, after a struggle with alcohol withdrawal. The veterans administration failed him. Craven, a Boone resident, said in recounting of their conversation to CNN. He added that his daughter recently retired from the Air Force after stints in Iraq, Afghanistan,

Jordan, Korea, and Somalia with a medical discharge due to post-traumatic stress disorder. She saw too much, Craven said. Biden leaned in close, gripping Craven's shoulders. Can I get your number and call you? The former vice president asked him. An aide dutifully took down Craven's number and said Biden would call him from the car. A little ways down the rope line, a reporter shouted a question about Thursday night's word mix-up, in which Biden misspoke by saying, poor kids are just as bright and talented

as white kids before immediately correcting himself. President Donald Trump's daughter-in-law used the mix-up to question his mental acuity, the reporter noted. Tell them it's the second anniversary of Charlottesville coming up, so they need to divert to something, Biden replied, referring to the fatal street violence that occurred in 2017's Unite the Right rally in Virginia. Biden often rebukes the president's handling of the incident, Trump's perceived encouragement of white supremacists with his response that there were very fine people on both sides

while campaigning. The reporter persisted. Are you able, do you think, to go through the whole campaign with this kind of scrutiny on you? Yes. I have to. It's legitimate scrutiny, Biden replied. He turned back to the Iowa woman who was trying to take a picture with him.

Fire away. Mr. Biden, they say these gas ding your electability, another reporter interjected. Well, that's going to be determined pretty soon, isn't it? Biden parried back. He kept moving down the line, handing a $20 bill to a little girl named Macy Grabo for ice cream, telling her he owed her big for being so good as she listened to his entire speech under the hot sun, giving $20 to a little girl to get one ice cream kind of sauce.

Yeah. What's she doing with that cash? I really, I mean, again, I wish Felix was here because I feel like he could, he could vibe off the story of Biden telling a girl, here you, here you are, honey. Oh, yeah. Craven, the father, Biden promised to call dismissed the attention to the former vice president's so-called gaffes. He's a human being like the rest of us instead of just a Democrat, Craven said.

When he asked why he isn't seriously considering any of the other Democratic candidates, I've read his book. I've listened to him speak going back as far as the Obama campaign. I work 40 years as an electric utility lineman, a foreman, and I understand that experience counts. And some of these people I don't believe have reached the level of experience to where they can handle the job that Trump is going to leave us. He continued, I don't think it was possible for one man to destroy the fabric of the country.

I'm just a fat old retired guy from the Midwest, but I just throw my hands up with Trump. I think that Joe from what I've seen and read is probably the finest man who has ever served in our government. From what I've read, Joe Biden is the finest man who has ever served in our government. I mean, it's not so much a question of, oh, don't you know about the crime bill and don't you know about X, Y, C? I mean, A, he probably doesn't, and B, he might even have agreed with those things. He's probably relatively conservative for a Democrat.

But what is the positive case that he's that good of a guy? What is he clinging to in making that assessment? What is he, where is the evidence? I don't get it. He's just a dude. He's just a senator. I mean, he was the vice president. He didn't do anything.

I don't get it. He didn't like foster a peace treaty or something. He didn't have a hunger strike. I don't get it. What is going on? Why do people like this? There's like a subhead, like there's a new section to this article that's just titled, Voters Connect with Biden.

And it goes on the next, the next, the next like, you know, sub category or new, you know, subject line in the article is Biden on the trail and it goes, it's not clear yet how effective Trump will be in softening Biden's support with his attempts to describe him as sleepy Joe or lacking a full deck. Biden's campaign is clearly taking care to address what could become a dangerous liability for his campaign. When he spoke outdoors at the Boone Fairground on Friday, for example, he used a teleprompter and frequently referred to notes he made through his way through the speech, perhaps cognizant

that another mistake would be unhelpful as his rivals attempt to build the narrative that he's too old for the job. And still mistakes were made over the weekend at a gun control forum on Saturday. He said twice that he met with students who survived the shooting in Parkland, Florida. The issue, the incident happened in February, 2008, more than a year after he left office. But in comparison to a 73 year old president who issues physical, who issues exercise and seems to prefer riding around in a golf cart to walking, Biden walks at a clip that sometimes makes it difficult for the throng of reporters and cameras to keep up.

He's got so much coil potency, you wouldn't believe it. So I'm just going to skip to the end here. It says, when he arrived at the fair 20 minutes early and his staff was trying to move him toward the soapbox, the former vice president glanced at his watch and looked perplexed. We're going to stand there at the soapbox for 20 minutes. He asked his aides. He made an executive decision. There was time for ice cream, natch.

That's how that article ends. There's time for ice cream, Joe. Joe, we're going to have ice cream now. He's like, Oh, boys, in Monday night. We put the pills in it. So I mean, again, I don't know what to make of that. I mean, like it again, super easy to do, super easy bit. Can you imagine CNN, Politico, New York Times, Washington Post writing an article about Bernie

Sanders in the same way that that that's obviously no God, no, never. If Bernie had one quarter of the goof-a-mops that Biden has had, there would be stories everywhere about, is he OK? Yeah, like if Bernie had spent the last weeks having as many misstatements, you know, or gaps, whatever, you know, verbal takes or whatever, brain farts. Do you think that like the press takeaway coverage of all of that would be, it doesn't matter? Yeah.

He's just connecting to a big bowl of strawberry ice cream. Yeah. Yeah. No, or like, yeah, the idea is. It's time for ice cream, Bernie. Yeah, the idea is those gaps only matter to media, political people. He's connecting with real folks. Yeah.

They're more interested in hearing about his universal health care plan, that, you know, whether he can string a sentence together. Oh, yeah, there's another article about Bernie's losing the corn kernel primary at the Iowa State Fair right now. He's getting whipped in it. Yeah, he's getting whipped pretty bad. We walked by it the other day, very, very paltry corn kernels. Biden, obviously, muscular corn kernel, he had almost a full mason jar of corn kernels.

But again, I just think it's like, like the corn kernel poll is like even worse than the polls that only call people with landlines, you know, who are only, is only calls people with corn kernels access to corn kernels, which is usually the top 1% skews old. The corn kernel poll is what I'm trying to say. Yeah. If you, if you pulled 100 people and asked them, do you have access to a corn kernel poll right now, people who said, yes, would be older, I think, and older, older, wider wealth, older, wider than the general population.

I think it's safe to say to vote in the corn kernel poll. You have to, you have to place a, a, a Werther's original or peppermint candy in a big bowl. You know, the Iowa Republican party is trying to make corn kernel the official way to vote in the actual elections. It's another voter suppression mechanism. You have to bring your own kernel. Yeah. I don't know much more to say.

Like, I don't want to give too much away for a better Iowa state fair experience. Oh, yeah. Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah. We got the, we got the Iowa crowd to, to, to tend with. Well, I mean, if there's anything else, if you wanted to fill a little more time, we could just talk about the fair generally in terms that we would not talk about tomorrow

because the crowd would know what the fair is. You know what I mean. Oh, right. Like explain to the people what a fair is like. Yes. It's a fair, it's a fair point because. Okay. Not everyone has been to a state fair and you might think, Oh, I've been to a county

fair. I get the gist. No, no. The state fair is a whole other beast. It's much bigger. It's very involved. It's a lot. You say your, you say your mom's parish fair.

Oh, I know. Cut that. Cut that. Keep it. Keep it. The Iowa state fair is massive. I would say like my one sort of observation about the crowd at the Iowa state fair in Iowans in general is that they are really into like fighting incurable diseases.

Oh, yeah. There's a lot of big presence of people who are like, let's, let's, let's fucking kill cancer. Let's kick this shit out of it. Let's get, you know, and like, I saw a lot of people with these shirts. It was like, you know, hashtag two and the digit two end alls. And I was like, what's the end alls movement? And they're like, it's the end Alzheimer's.

And I was like, Oh, okay. Joe Biden supporters. No, but like, yeah. Like, it's just a lot of people who are like really into, yeah, just taking on the incurable maladies that plague us as a species. They're very into that. Yeah. And also if those shirts are any indication, I think we're going to have these diseases

licked pretty soon. They're very into fighting incurable diseases and slipknot. They love slipknot. It was amazing. It really did remind me that slipknot is Iowa's ICP. They are the hometown heroes. They're from Des Moines. Yeah.

And they got a new album out. They played, they played the state fair on Saturday night. Yeah. Okay. Now here's something. You are going to hear that we saw, we saw Warren and Bernie. Warren was there on Saturday. Bernie was there on Sunday.

I think a number of people have pointed out that Warren had the biggest crowd at the Iowa state. That was Weigel's estimate. Yeah. Yeah. It was hard to see. Bernie had a huge crowd too. I don't know if I can like confidently.

Yeah. I could compare the size. Warren definitely got a lot of energy, good crowd. So did Bernie. I think maybe Warren had a slightly bigger one. However, if you hear that in media accounts, I would just like to add that you also have to take into account that Saturday was slipknot day at the fair and there was massively more numbers of people there to see slipknot.

Yeah. There might have been some slipknot curious people in that crowd. You don't know. This is a piece that Felix and I were obsessed with back in 2015 when we were riding together this is the fix, Chris, the fix, Saliza, August 13, 2015, eight reasons I love the Iowa State Fair. You want it? Yeah.

Give it to us. Give it to us. Let's get it right now. I am an unapologetic Iowa homer. With the exception of that time, my rental car got stolen out of a parking garage connected to the hotel Fort Des Moines in 2011. Let it go, Chris. The state has been nothing but good to me in the dozens of times I visited it.

Wait a minute. So he's not from Iowa? Hell, I wrote a piece outlining the 12 ways that Iowa rules. Oh, geez. One at a time. Number two on that list was the Iowa State Fair, which gets underway Thursday, runs for the next 11 days. In order to stay fair, which I've attended four times on non-consecutive occasions, I

put together a list, yes, a list of the eight things I could have listed, 80, I love most about it. Also, if you're going to the fair, you're going to need this, the Des Moines Registration, yeah. All right. Here they are. Ready? Hmm.

Number one, the Des Moines Registration soapbox. Every candidate running for president will stop by the soapbox. It's really just a platform surrounded by hay bales to deliver some version of their stub speech. These speeches, which are heavily attended by the media and much more lightly attended by actual fairgoers, range from the hilarious slash sad throwing of flying discs by Fred Carger into the sparse crowd to the genuinely important. The best recent example of that latter category was Mitt Romney's terrible 2011 turn at the

soapbox when he uttered the now famous slash infamous corporations or people line. I will say to Chris's observation about the Des Moines Registration soapbox, he is right, and I was a little surprised. These are all the political candidates are coming through. The crowd, I mean, it was like half of it were media. The crowds for these were like considering that every day at the fairground, there's at least 50,000 people on the ground, if not a hundred at any given moment. Yeah, for sure.

Very sparsely attended. This really is like a mostly a media thing. Like I said, Sanders and Warren got pretty big crowds, but keep in mind like the line to see the butter cow was like at least 10 times as big as Mayor de Blasio or, you know, John Hink and Luzo. Even Cory Bush is honestly about the length of 40 de Blasio's know, like there are more people gathered to see the fucking giant hog. All right, let's hear the rest of those reasons.

He loves the state fair to the cat. Also, I'm going to say I agree with one. Yeah, I'm with Chris on it. I love the soapbox to the cast your Colonel votes an empty jar for each candidate. Each fairgoer gets a Colonel. Most colonels wins. What presidency that's it. That's all he wrote.

All right. I disagree with this. I disagree. Colonel suck three. The pork producers tent. Let's start here. It can get very hot in Iowa in August combined heat with the required shot of every candidate for president standing over a hot griddle cooking pork and other assorted meats.

And you get photographic gold. Also lots of sweat. I have to say the pork chop on a stick was very delicious. It was delicious, but I don't know what the fuck he's talking about. He's just talking about the pork producers. What's in the tent? Pork pork. Okay.

They produce pork at the tent for butter cow. Yeah. I mean, this one doesn't need much explanation. It's a cow made entirely of butter. Just in case you need more incentive, Donald Trump and the butter cow will have a historic summit at one p.m. Saturday. Oh, this is still part of that period where Chris was the biggest guy loving how wacky and me me the Trump campaign was.

I think it was just as it was wearing a MAGA hat at some point as a joke. And yes, the butter cow has his her own Twitter feed, although sadly it doesn't appear to be active. I agree with the, I agree with Chris. Butter cow. It sucks that the butter cow got banned for being a Nazi on Twitter. Okay. Number five, the hogs.

This is politics, but holy crap are these hogs big. We had the same reaction as Chris Elizabeth of the hogs. No, there was some big hogs. I mean, their testicles are the size of volleyball is really impressive. Yeah. I agree with Chris. Yeah. Yes.

Pro hog. Six, awkward photos of politicians eating corn dogs. Okay. No one can look cool eating a corn dog wrong like no one. I do. That's all he wrote. Yeah, we videotaped me eating a corn dog at the fair and it's, I look like a fucking pimp.

I will say though, no bullshit though, Iowa State Fair, that was the best corn dog I've ever had. Best corn dog. I didn't even know what corn dog could be doing. It was like on a whole other level than any other corn dog I've ever had. It was delicious. It was delightful. Great dog.

A wonderful fair food. Great. And it really absolutely lives up to the hype of Iowa. So Chris, I think he just got tuckered out midway through writing these because the rest don't even have explanations. Number seven, doughnut Sunday and finally, number eight, Jamie Lynn Spears did no explanation of that. Well, she played at the Iowa State Fair then.

So it's kind of sus. It's a little sus. It's a little sus. Not going to lie. Yeah. There you go. Those are Chris's top eight. What are your top eight?

What are our top eight things at the fair? Corn dogs, pork chops, oh, the 27 degree beer, 27 degree beer. That's a marvel. Modern medicine. I just grabbed the mic to explicitly also agree the 27 degree beer. They have this beer stand there that has like super cold water like kept in motion so it can be below freezing and they put the beers in the aluminum tall cans in the super chilled water.

And usually when you get something that says ice cold beer, you're like, yeah, fine, cold beer, whatever. But I swear to God, every time this 27 degree beer hit my tongue, it was like a little taste of heaven. It chilled you down. It cooled you down so well. It's one of these things like I immediately my body temperature dropped to three degrees. It was wonderful.

Yeah. It is, you know, baking hot and like it's just flat, no, almost no shade. It is impressively hot at these state fairs and there's like, you know, tens of thousands of people around everywhere and you get that 27 degree beer and it's like, yeah, like you said, like ice cold beer, fine, whatever. We all love a frosty one. You get that just a Bud Light in a big Styrofoam cup and that 27 degree. It's something that I didn't know how badly I needed it until I had it.

Oh, fuck it paid. It was totally worth it. Okay. Here are my top eight. Number one, 27 degree beer for the reasons that you have all stated. Number two, Des Moines Register soap box. But overlap with Chris is on that one. Number three, harassing the candidates at the media scrum next to the Des Moines Register

soap box. Number four, pork chop on a stick. It was delicious. Excellent. Excellent pork chop. Number five, shitting and pissing in the media. Little tip for fairgoers. If you lie to acquire a press pass, you get to use the human restrooms in nice air conditioned

media zone, walk out with your colleagues at ABC news and NPR while shitting and farting out your dude. We realized, I mean, maybe this is, maybe this is bad to tell people, but you could just go in there and get a fucking media pass. It requires nothing. You just say, I'm from X and they just have here side here and they give you a pass. It's fine to say it because there were like a assorted like MAGA and toilet paper USA people trying to get in the media area to like the yell gender Michael Bennett or something and

they were getting turned away and they failed at this. This task, even they are too stupid to think to try to get a media pass. Really dope. All right. Number six, number six, butter cow. Yeah. It's everything you expect, honestly. One thing I did with the butter cow, they also had, I think quite exquisite buttersculptures

of Big Bird, Oscar the Grouch and another sexist. That dumb annoying girl, the new one. Come on, man. Come on, man. What? Dude, that's a no growth. That's a no growth, dude. All right.

Number seven, surprising amount of train content here. Oh, yes. It's not known. Delightful. I guess I always say fair, the reporters always talk about, you know, the corn dogs and the pork chop and the steak and all that shit. But they never really forced the candidates to observe model trains, which I think would be far more explanatory and enlightening than like forcing Jay Inslee to pet a large hog

or something like that. Because you know, it's like you go inside, there's like, there's a big, we saw multiple model trains, that's like the big one was the model train association and it's like it's a city. It's like it's a city, there's a very role area, but there's also some mixed use in the kind of city center, like interesting division of industrial and commercial. They had a fucking, a drive-in movie theater, they had a haunted house, they had beekeepers, they had all these incredible like mid-century Americana details of like the old Coca-Cola

ads, like light up neon signs on the top of building General Electric, Maxwell House Coffee. I would say that the model train associations exhibit at the Iowa State Fair, top 10 museum I have ever been to in my life. Oh, yeah. Yeah, for sure. Piece of shit out of the Morian Library. Yeah.

Fuck off, Louvre. I will say, Iowans, please do us all a favor and start forcing the candidates to walk through the model train zone and just give their observations. Yeah, I want to hear what they have to say about the infrastructure. That is a great idea because I think more so than the pork chop or the livestock or whatever, the way they interact with the trains will tell you everything you need to know about them. Yes.

If one of them just sort of walks through and they're just sort of like nods play, they are like, hmm, that's nice. Walks through nice model trains. Yeah. Can't trust them. Sicko. Sicko. But if you see someone coming in and they're like, look at that, the Union Pacific line.

Look at that. Is that diesel? I worry. I warn you, though, one guy who would pass that test is Joe Biden. That motherfucker loves fucking trains. That's true. Now, let's see Joe Biden. This is an opportunity for Joe Biden to make one of his infamous gaffes when he confuses

a diesel train for a diesel electric train. Oh, what a fool. Oh, number eight. Yeah. All those big boys we saw in the livestock areas. Yeah. Large boys. I mean, most of them were gals, to be honest.

Yeah, that's true. No animals or boys. All those largeens. All right. Well, yeah, I concur with Virgil's, Iowa State Faves. Yeah, for sure. But again, you know, if you're if you are in Iowa and listening to this, you have the power to force the candidates to do whatever dumb shit you want.

They are here to grovel for your vote. They don't know what the local customs are. You can make shit up. Please make a train custom. And they have to like drink milk directly from a cow. Yeah, you got to get down there and you got to suckle on that teat. They have to they have to take a shower in the horse shower. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, they have to go and build the Blasio's just standing

there, soping up while they hose them down. They have to go to the washing or a scrum of fucking photographers taking pictures of them. Also, that's got to be the new tradition. Iowa State Fair, you're getting hosed out, buddy, you're getting hosed down, just wrangling a bill to Blasio in the horse area. Also you have to go on the Ferris wheel with one of your competitors with another candidate and hold hands.

If anything happens, you know what happens, that's a good one. That's it. You can make it happen. They'll they'll do it. You're in charge. Or no, like in the horse and pig burns, there's areas where like they display them and like they do like a dressage. That's a good idea.

Like, you know, we were walking to the horse barn and there was like, you know, like all these whole rolls of stables, but it was like the horses and the girls who show them were all getting like their hair and makeup done at the same time. Beauty spot. I think the candidates there should be like a big dirt circle and they should all have to walk out and like, you know, trot with their legs up. Yes. Yes.

You know, jog, run, maybe like just just shows off their their beauty and their their show off show off the goods show off the goods. There should be someone with a stick and you know, there are judges there who are like gauging whether or not Joe Biden is, you know, Delaware breed standard, whether his teeth are up to snuff. Yeah. But yeah, just like a little handler with a little stick who just sort of wrangles the politicians.

Yeah. Keep them keep them keep them trodden. Keep them moving around showing off their beautiful man. They do good. They get a sugar cube. Yeah. They're they're they're lovely muscular haunches and then they're they're they're they're they're they're bulging full udders.

I will say this. If they did that, if they have the prance around like that, Josie Stack wins because he has got a live, beautiful, cultish manner. He is graceful. He's like a dancer. Oh, yeah. Just be cultishly prancing around the playground. He would destroy it.

He would win in a landslide. So yeah, I guess a closing thought, Virgil is correct. People of Iowa, you the power is in your hands in so many ways. Let's get nutty with it. Please get get get little get kind of litty and make and make and make these hogs work for you. Yes. You know, you know, I would I would know how to treat hogs and you just got to treat

the politicians like the hogs. Yes. Put them in a pen, have people walk by and sort of ruffle their hair and squeeze their little snouts. All right. I guess I I guess that wraps it up. Signing off from Des Moines. We will have a more full Iowa report at our live show on stage at Vaudeville Mews two

nights and our film documentary about the Iowa State Fair that should also be coming out. Yes. For that. Quick plug. I think tickets are still available for HP Lovecraft us doing Call of Cthulhu live Providence August 23rd. You know what it is August 23rd.

Click it link in the description Venmo in the bio. Cheers everybody. All right. From Des Moines. Signing off.