Chapo Trap House - 412 - Protests of the Dead (4/20/20)

Episode Date: April 20, 2020

In a 4-quadrant Chapo, we make broad generalizations about various regions of America and their respective snack foods, make fun of a pundit's bizarre and inept behavior online, gawk at MAGA-realm apocalyptic stupidity, and finally examine liberal vacuousness from a new writer earning their first-time Reading Series Author challenge coin. Here's the gofundme to support the Teamsters COVID protection fund Amber mentions at the end of the episode: https://charity.gofundme.com/o/en/campaign/help-ups-teamsters-protect-ourselves-and-the-public-from-covid-19

Hello boys and gals. It's Chapo again, coming to you on Monday, 4.20. And honestly, it's kind of fucked up. I have to work on a religious holiday. I don't know. This is violating a lot of my beliefs, but hey, people and people need their podcasts, especially today more than ever. Will is sick of the bald heads here in Babylon. Today's 4.20. It's the most important holiday of the year. Just never forget that weed was given to us by God. And by that, I mean the alien grays who built the pyramids. They blessed us with this crop that just helps us so much. But I got to say, I'm going to call him out right now. Felix does not support 4.20 blazed culture. And I think that's kind of fucked up. Honestly,

it is messed up that we haven't talked about it yet. They should make weed illegal again. Jesus Christ. Five years to make people less annoying about it. Inferiority. It's been legal. It's been legal. It's been legal for like six fucking months. And like all I see is just like people who are like, oh, we repurposed sour patch kids, but we call them dank patch kids and they have red eyes on the fucking, on the label. It's so fucking annoying. Like if you thought weed was annoying when it was illegal, it's ten times more annoying now because it's all the people who I call entourage Jews, that is Jewish people who abandon literary tradition and embrace the culture to show entourage,

who you would mistake for Italians, but have the mouths and jaws that Jewish people we can identify each other by and are basically evangelicals. They all invested in weed startups and they're like, oh yeah. All they do is just make like joke strain names. They're like, oh, I call this, you know, 500 days of Kush. Yeah. I call this one Zoe Kushanel. It fucking sucks. It should be, we honestly should adopt like Singaporean drug laws. You're not, the funny thing is, is you're not even in a state where it's legal yet, Felix. They have not legalized it in New York. Good. Good. That's like the one good thing Cuomo has ever done. I want to explain the entourage Jew. It's, they've exist because Jews were

exposed to evangelicals in Texas and it created this type of person. And you wouldn't think you could like make a success winning out of Judaism because theologically it's all about dying and losing and failing and how you can't ever really know God or any of the nature of the universe and the only people who have even gotten like a fraction of a glimpse at the face of God are the most chosen people of the most chosen people ever. Like almost gods among men themselves, but they did it. Like they found to make the religion about sadness and dying into, you know, like staying your grind. Like the Maccabees were Vitamix guys. Like they were club promoters. Like they would, they just get, they just

kept getting kicked out of clubs for taking napkins off of girls drinks, but kept coming back. Could they be reeducated? Could we like force them to watch a serious man? No, you just, you just have to like keep them in Texas, honestly. Yeah, for the biggest party in Dallas history. Yes. Felix, you say that, but like yet the world's most famous Jewish man, Jesus Christ was also like the world's first and most famous stoner. He was definitely the world's most famous club promoter. Well, yeah, I mean, like, like most owners, he was a habitual liar. He was like, he was like, uh, yeah, yeah, I actually died the other day. Dead for three days. It was a mistranslation. Fell asleep. Yeah, he fell asleep. He probably

let a kid like, I don't know how tall they allowed buildings back to be back then. Maybe I was like a second story window and died. Like someone told him to look after a kid and he was like, oh, fuck, I have to say to come up with a thing I was doing for three days. He got kicked out of a nightclub by a centurion and he was like, yeah, they fucking killed me. I'm dead. Yeah. Bro, I was just saying figuratively, they killed me. There was a mistranslation of the Aramaic and it was just actually he was like, yo, I'm dead off that, that, that loud, cush-blunt that. That's the New Testament Christ. Issa in Islam. They're Jesus Christ. He did the actual thing that comes from the earth. Yes, he

did fentanyl, fentanyl, which is indigenous to Jerusalem. I mean, most of them kind of come from the earth anyway. Like acid doesn't, but like, I don't know, coke comes from a flower too. Yeah, but like the chemicals that the acid, the components of, you know, LSD. They're all natural. Yeah. It's, it's natural. It's just like cocaine requires an insane amount of shit thrown into it to make it the drug. It's not like ether, whatnot. Well, then how come they just chew on the leaves and get zippy? They get, yeah, but it's, you get a mild thing. It's not like going to give you the cocaine high unless you throw a bunch of battery acid in it. Yeah. You get zippy, you get zippy,

but you're not going to start like a new designer gene brand or open a restaurant. Okay. You're not going to get shit done. I don't know, man. I could chew on a lot of leaves. I haven't been thinking about switching to cotton lately, because just out of simplicity, you just, you can be a hot guy. Yeah. Just become a hot guy. Go to, go to the Twin Cities, get a hot hookup and just be a hot guy. I'm already like swanning around in silk robes and like reclining on shizzes. I want, yes, I want the long opium pipe. That's what they have on like, um, Sumali vine. I don't have dip guys. They have cod guys. I already dressed like an extra, like an extra in a movie with an opium then seen. Yeah. It's your destined

for it. Well, that's like Hollywood used to be pro opium, you know, back when Hollywood is good. And one of my favorite movies once upon a time in America is about how opium is good because it helps you remember your friends that you love. After you kill them, obviously they're probably still our opium dens in the, in parts of this country, but I don't know where they are. I would go to like a nice, I would go to like a hipster. I want to do it at my, I want to do it at my own house. I got a minute. I would go to like a hipster gentrified opium den. Oh, what do they do that? They spoke the opium and then they listened to Justin Bieber and their skinny jeans. Yeah. And all the people who pack the pipes, all

the, all the, all the workers who pack the pipes are like those, the, the, the rockabilly tattooed receptionist from the John Wick movies. They all have tattoos. They have tattoos of like revolvers and anchors on their hands. Exactly. They all have Sailor Jerry shit, and they're packing my fucking bowl all night. No, I would love to go to the Bushwick opium den where a girl with like an uneven bang, who's just like sneering at me and she doesn't have to work like her dad invented a new monetized form of child molestation, which is just like moving to Bushwick for some fucking reason. And like, and is waiting for Adam to text her. It gives me my opium. I would love that. Okay. Well, this is, this is, I mean, like,

you know, Felix is against weed because like, you know, growing up in Chicago, he, he smokes seeds. Like that's it. That's what you got out there in Chicago. Yeah, they get those. That's the best weed. It gets you the most high. There's other plants inside the seed. Like, I apparently don't teach biology in New York. Learn that much. Yeah, he was, Felix doesn't like other people enjoy if he doesn't enjoy it. That's how I know that it's bad. Felix would see like, would see like two little girls playing jacks. And if he couldn't get past threesies, he would scream at them about how it was a dumb game and he hated it. I was actually one of the best jacks players in Cook County. Yeah, Felix and like his

friend, he would, he would smoke a tulip bulb and then be like, Oh man, I got to eat a whole deep, deep pizza. I'm fucked up, dude. No, I mean, like New Yorkers like weed because like they're sort of like New Yorkers are like those dogs that are like bred just to lie down on women. What? What kind of dog is that? Like a lap dog? Like a lap dog? I think New Yorkers are really high strung. Yeah, a lot of smaller breeds are like chihuahuas are insanely high strung. Yeah. And so they just they smoke this fucking itty. It's like something that was some of the lesser monkeys

would do just like smoke this idiot plant. Wait a second. It makes me, yeah, it makes me, it makes me watch oblivion NPC fails. But the Midwest, that's what you do, Felix. You actually just accidentally own yourself. You're describing your own behavior. And you're saying that it's the debauched behavior of weed, adult New Yorkers. Well, okay. So Midwest is about pain. It's about like your father said three words to you your entire life. And you you just, you just internalize everything. So you have to do the most powerful opiate ever created. And you just get to have it because you have like a cyst in your knee from playing pop or in a football when you shouldn't have food that's

like created. It's not even like good. It just like created to make you feel bad. Like eating should be an act of pain. But yeah, through there is no fire without friction. Garrison, Garrison Keelers had some line where he like in one of his books, he wrote, like, from the perspective of like a bitter, you know, Minnesota son that wrote a 95 theses to his parents. And one of his things was, you fed me food not for nutrition or pleasure, but as ballast. It's a very good description of our cuisine. That's everything. Yeah, everything. It just like it will stay until in your stomach until you die. You'll have to you'll have to get up to piss 78 times a day because your bladder is just like a Midwesters bladder is like a dog's cock. It's

just bright red and any stimulus will just make it burst out almost burst out of their stomach. Like five or 10 pounds of cased meat, like a brick. Yeah, meaning from the intestine directly onto the bladder of any Midwestern. It's like how pregnancy like actually makes you have to pee all the time because like the baby is on the bladder. For us, it's just like meatloaf or sausage or something. And then you compare that to what New Yorkers eat. And their favorite thing is like a wet, like a so thin, like a paper thin piece of dough and then like shaving cream on it. And they're like, oh, this is real pizza. I have had my mind colonized by the east coast because I grew up on Dickass crust pizzas, not Chicago style because I wasn't from there, but

like regular pizza. Detroit style. Detroit style, definitely. And then even like the triangle pizzas, it's like, you know, you get the rising crust from the Giorno or you get the thick crust from Domino's or something. And just living in New York over the years, I am now just like I'm like the guy in the Richard Bachman novel. I'm thinner on my fucking crusts every year. I just demanded thinner. It's like being here has colonized my brain. And now I don't even look at a pizza unless it's playing card thin crust. All right. All right, you fucking because because New Yorkers are like those small dogs, literally 98% of foods will kill them. All right. Okay. All right. Listen up, you fucking cockwaffle, Felix. Your stomach is so delicate.

Your stomach is so delicate that if you drank a glass of milk right now, you would have to like go to the ER. Yeah, exactly. Felix has adapted from like years of evolution of his ancestors, just eating nothing but old cabbage out of a Cossack's garbage can. He cannot eat anything. All these things Felix is describing as the horrible results of living in New York are just his own problems. Oh yeah, your stomach gets really delicate and you just watch video game fails all day. I wouldn't really consider the NPC segments from the Elder Scrolls games fails. They're more like delightful pieces of accidental digital art. I call them the lights of the joystick. All right. All right. All right. But I would like to, I'd like to decolonize this space for a second.

Going by Kazar theory, I'm a direct descendant of Genghis Khan. Right. The staples of the golden whore diet that I'm supposed to have, which I think is like some stuff like yak milk. Yeah, I can't get any of that here. So my stomach is weak. The problem is you don't have enough access to horse meat is what you're saying. Yeah, horse meat and yak milk. Yeah. Exactly. Horse meat, horse meat, by the way, has a better protein to fat ratio than almost anything really. It's good. The French eat it. They have, I feel like you don't even eat beef. And I know you said it's an ethical decision, but I think it probably just hurt your tum tum. No, that's my theory. I'm a truther about Felix's vegetarianism. No, I, no, I would get grass-fed beef because

I can digest that very easily. But it was an effort because like Kazar is stupid, his labradoodles. And my mom has one of those. And they're delightful. Yeah. They're sweet dumb little friends. Your mom's stupid dog. I love her stupid dog. She doesn't even understand the concept of fetch. It's so cute. God, it just occurs to me how, how much Felix and I are really like mirror opposites of one another. Like we really couldn't be more different. And one way is that like my body is a disaster zone and Felix is obviously is much better than mine, but I have a stomach that could eat anything. It's true. I could dissolve a fucking tin can without a problem. Yeah, you're like a vulture.

He has a tiny little, yes, he has a stomach where if he had ice cream, he would die. I actually have ice cream. I freeze it right now. Oh, really? What kind of like soy-based jindup? It's not, it's real, the real dairy kind. It's Ben and, Ben and Gerald's. No, I, no, I can eat milk. I mean, I, look, I can eat milk. I can eat milk. I can eat milk. I don't even know what you call it. Taking it into your body. I think counter-intuitively, I remember Felix like lactose intolerance is like the one thing that he didn't have when we lived together. No, I have it. It just means I shit a lot and I accept that. Right. Okay, yeah. It's like, you just take your chance. It's a cost-benefit analysis. Yeah, it's like, yeah.

Okay, okay, okay, you twat can do this. Enough, enough of this. You've disrespected my, my religion just about enough for today. I want to, I wanted to talk about, I wanted to talk about my religion. This has been the 20-minute barrage of anti-Semitism and Will is like, yo, don't talk about weed that way. I wanted to talk about my religion and then you just made it all about your fucking religion. Okay. I was needled. I was needled for my beliefs. I'm going to get us on a positive track though. I have a joke that I prepared. Okay. All right. I'm ready. Okay. Check. I've, I did the rough draft of this on Instagram, but we're doing it again. I've worked this out a lot over the past 24 hours. You know,

if you like this, maybe tell it to your family. Tell, tell it to a girl you haven't talked to in two years because you never got, you just had plastic over your mattress and refused to get a cover sheet or anything. You know, send it to an estranged brother. This may thaw the ice of relations. This may bring together your community. Send it to your dark uncle. Yeah. Send it to your dark uncle. Send it to your chaotic niece. Who cares? Just whatever. Use the heel. Okay. Here we go. That, that y'all ready for this? All right. Yeah. Pump me up. Okay. 10 years ago, we had Johnny Cash, Steve Jobs and Andy Cap. Now we have no jobs and no hope. No cap. It's amazing. Oh, thank you. Did everyone juice this? Oh God. Did Andy Cap die finally of

cirrhosis? His wife murdered him. I thought he, I thought he was a, he's a cartoon character, Will. He's not really. Okay. I just know you're very ridiculous. Did the strip no longer running? Okay. Oh, did it stop? Is there no more Andy Cap? I think it's done. No, 1987 to present under the greater syndicate. I fucking saw it. Well, you can still get those delicious Andy Cap hot fries. The hot fries. Yeah. Those are, that is, that is such a, that is, that's what you eat if you're on parole. That's supposed to be only meal you can have. They're good. Parole is Andy Cap hot fries. Andy Cap hot fries are parole ass food. That is 100% true. Damn it. All right. They're like one of my own, like one of my favorite non-Japanese snacks. They're like,

have it a very intense salty flavor. All right. Another, another, that was in last samurai when Tom Cruise shows Ken Watanabe how to make Andy Cap hot fries. Dude, it's real. It's like a really Easter egg. Fucking Japanese snack technology is light years ahead of ours. They have degrees of umami that it's like, you think of like the Guardetto's rideship, but then like distilled, distilled down. You're like the Guardetto's rideship umami, the peak umami for, for American snacks is just trash compared to your average little fucking Japanese rice cracker thing that's drenched in, I don't know, probably fish oil and some amazing like chemical. Well, we don't even. Okay. Enough, enough of this Cromulent fuck stickery. Okay. People who do not turn into the

show to hear us talk about uh, juice stomach and what snacks we're eating. All right. Let's get on track. I don't think we can. Let's get on track. People come to the show for the news. Okay. They want to hear about the news talking about news. All right. Let's let's fucking let's tighten it up. Let's tighten it up gang. Uh, here's the news I want to talk about Archie Bell. Here's the news I want to talk about. The first thing I want to talk about is Jennifer Rubin's reply to Andrew Cuomo on Twitter. Did you guys see this? Yeah. I'm going to think about this right before I die. I think. Okay. Allow me to allow me to set the scene for you. New York governor Andrew Cuomo tweeted a photo of which he says Sunday dinner Cuomo style and he's sitting at the head of the

table like the fucking Texas chainsaw massacre surrounded by his three daughters and a young man and they're all, you know, clean plate club and it's just like they're all, it looks like they've all eaten from one personal dinner size plate of spaghetti and meatballs and they're all sort of vacantly staring at the camera. It's kind of creepy, honestly. Yeah. Yeah. It's very odd. It's just kind of a Kubrick frame. Yeah. It's very like it's very symmetrically framed. It's it's there's a lot going on in the photo, but it is added to like, okay, Jennifer Rubin, you know, we've talked about her before, but like, I think the thing that really makes her special is that she is the most committed reply girl on Twitter. Like if you see a terrible tweet,

the chances are that she is the first response is very high. Like she. Oh my god. Oh my god. I'm looking at it now. It's like Guido chainsaw massacre. Yes. Yeah. What is this? I have some of the worst replyers on Twitter, like no offense to them, but I think what happens is all my followers are on IPAs and Adderall 24 hours a day and they're just like, gotta get in the riff zone and just send me some dog shit. Just some fucking crap. They're like, basically, you know what people do? They try to riff on like, you know, a food topic and they're like, you shouldn't eat a gun because you should kill yourself. You piece of shit. And it's like, doesn't work. You're not my friend, Matt, who could say that to me. Just a word otherwise to people who want to

riff with Felix, if you give him dog shit, he does make fun of it behind your back. I it's one of my favorite things to talk about. He is making fun of you somewhere. I literally in a voice call, sometimes with famous rock stars, making fun of not kidding. So, you know, like think about it. And the other thing is like, they'll send me something like from literally 12 years ago. It's like an impact font meme that's like, this Clayton Bigs biscuit, this crap is good. Hey, dude, have you seen this? So, I have really bad ones, but Jennifer Rubin is even worse than any of my suppliers. No, she is she is so thirsty. And I swear to God, like, it's like, if it's like Jonathan Shate, like all your favorites, all the worst people, like, you

know, like they're putting out, they're already putting out like dog shit, like it's awful. And then she'll just show up like, you know, like, how about that, John? No replies. Zero replies. Even John Shate, even John Shate is like probably making fun of her in a voice call. Yeah, he is thirsty. She is so thirsty. She's an impression farmer. So lowest thing you can be. She says she replies to the Italian spaghetti chainsaw massacre dinner photo with, okay, this is what's your pleasant in quotes, the boyfriend referring to just like the sort of odd man out who's wearing a helly Hanson long sleeve t-shirt awful. But he says here,

the boyfriend looks nice. And the girls seem to have eaten their spaghetti and meatballs exclamation point. Just so fucking like what what like, it's just the instinct to just insert yourself in such a way where like, I'm really proud of your daughters for eating all their spaghetti and meatballs, Andrew. Okay, that's also just like literally the equivalent. Like, have you ever been on like a road trip with someone who just mind mindlessly out loud reads every billboard? Yeah. Oh, I do that. No, what it looked to me like it was like, was Jennifer Rubin Romeo dialing Andrew Cuomo there? Yes, that's what it felt like. I thought she was saying that his daughters are like stacked. Yeah, it's like, Oh, daughters eat meatballs. Very nice. Come to Delhi,

be girlfriend. Big, big, big milk pool. Thank you, Jennifer. It's like Andrew Cuomo is like, you know, we will, we will, you know, New Yorkers are struggling every day to flatten the curve. First reply, Jennifer Rubin. Hello, Angel. I so pretty. Haha. Love you. So there are two things I thought here. I thought you was either saying the daughters were stacked, like, damn, Andrew, you made some slim fix. Or here's the other one. Here's the vibe I kind of get from Jen Rubin sometimes. This is, I may be class signaling here, but everyone's mom has a friend who's like, fucking weird, like she's mixing pills that shouldn't be mixed. You know, when you're like, she like quarters you at like a dinner party or some other bullshit.

And she's, she just said, she asked you, you know, the same boring questions you always get about school or like college or whatever. And then she just says something baffling. She just says, like, well, I, I certainly hope you aren't worrying too much about condoms. And it haunts you for literally a decade. What does she mean? Yeah, what does that mean? Why was she weird? But none of them seems more plausible than any of the others. Yeah, it'll be like, was she saying I don't have sex? Or was she saying like, I should have a kid? Like what the fuck are you talking? And there's this weird, like dreamy quality to all their sentences where they never sit. There's, you're always in the middle of them. Even if it's a proper sentence, you always feel like you're in

the middle of some fucking bird brain thought they have. And so I would, as much as I like to pretend that Jennifer Rubin was saying that Cuomo's daughters are like nice with it, that they're bad is I think what she's doing, and this is parody, is she is addicted to Sarah Quill. Oh, okay. See, no, like she's, she's the type of person who will reply by restating the exact joke that someone like Radio Free Tom made on Twitter. Yeah, Radio Free Tom will be like, we have a president who's more, I don't know what he sounds like, who's more concerned with who's going to replace him on the apprentice, then who's going to replace the head of the WHO. And Jennifer Rubin will go,

he cares more about where the remote is than where the country is. Yeah. And it's like dog. She's riffing. She's riffing. You are the fucking queen of the riff lane. Yeah. Holy shit. No, and it's like, it's funny. You're killing it, babe. If you go to her Twitter account and like click over to the replies tab and just see all her replies to people, she never gets a bite ever. No. It's really impressive. She never ever gets to go to Riff City. And like... Neera Tandon, Neera Tandon, no, Neera Tandon does riff with her because she's on the same frequency. Oh, Neera fucking lost it today. She had a little accident in the replies. Oh, the Neera thing that I saw today... She said the N-word. No, Neera.

What? The thing I saw today was like, okay, so Trump came out with that new web video where like Obama and his boys are watching TV and then like a Joe Biden ad comes on and it's him just babbling about his leg hair. And like his boys, his boys look at him and like Obama, it's like, you know, it's one of those like put the head on another body and like it's like pretty well done. And then Obama just sort of shrugs and looks at his boys who are like clowning on him like, what do you want from me? And it's like, yes, we can do. It's really, it's very funny. It's a very funny video. It's honestly, it was a very good ad. And like someone was like talking about that and like Neera replies to her like, how dare you amplify this dangerous message? And it's like...

He's the president of the United States. He is the president of the United States. And that horse has bolted long ago. What do you think? We don't get to set these parameters. It's not like if we don't talk about it, no one will notice. Yeah, you just have to pretend that he's not there. It's weird. Like she's not, I don't think Neera is white, but she has such powerful wasp energy. Well, she's a high-caste, probably. We can't, if we, we don't talk about it, it won't come to us. It's like that weird wasp superstition where it's like, they're called curse words because they used to believe that saying them would actually curse someone. Right. It is, it is very wasp because it's like treating the president of the United States like probably the most famous living

person right now. Yes. Just treating him like he's your son who has a cleft palate that you don't allow out. Just don't talk about him. Just don't allude to him at all. Don't talk about anything he does. And if someone brings him up, you are... The person, by the way, was actually criticizing Neera. They said, good job Neera. And she responded with like, why are you amplifying this? Which is like, anytime you criticize me, you're helping Donald Trump. And it's like, he won. He won. He's the president. He's the president. Guys, guys, guys, I take this very seriously. And I think it's time to deplatform the White House. I agree. Well, she has to say that because there's no arguing against the content of the ad. Because the ad is just saying what everyone knows. He's an old,

demented man who no one wants to be the nominee, but he was the fallback position to stop Bernie. And like, I hate the fact that it is officially a Trump ad, because literally anyone could have made that ad and it lands... Isn't it official ad? I mean, I don't know. I mean, it has the Trump pet shit at the end of it. Has the official degree that he retweeted it, which is basically the official stool approval. Yeah, that's true. When I say official, I mean, it was produced by a campaign under his ownership or oversight, which I don't think it was, but official doesn't matter anymore. No, absolutely. The only way, when all of these techno utopians in the early 2000s were talking about like, oh, the internet is going to democratize information literally only for

right wingers. Only right wingers found a way to make that work. It doesn't work for us. My guess is it was produced by one of his meme wizards, like Carpe Doncombe or something. Oh, Compartorcombe, yeah. Yeah, one of those geniuses. You can see every individual pixel in this video, so you know it was made by a 50 year old. That Carpe Doncombe guy is one of the stupidest motherfuckers on earth. I think he's epic. I feel like it's either someone who's 50 or someone who is 13. Yes. Either way, I think a 13 year old would, there would be 11. It was a baby who did it. It was that giant baby. It's that giant baby. It's Carpe Doncombe. Carpe Don, you just don't like Carpe Doncombe because you're a cock and you're going to get mamed on. Oh, no. Oh, I'm going to get me

sad. No. Well, the point is, regardless of the providence of it, I'm going to get invited to the White House. Yeah. It's country rocks. You know, I mean, shit. If only Bernie Sanders said, you know, one, you know, we could have gone to the White House. Hell, yeah. We would be giving out people at the White House. We would have dabbed on them in the White House. But the point is, regardless of the providence of it, the video lands and is like instantly relatable and funny to like literally anyone. Contrast that with the, yeah, and the impossible to argue against like what the joke is there. And contrast that with the rollout of Biden's new, like a web campaign ad, which is just basically like, listen, Mac, it's the Chinese. Trump is rolling over for

the... That was mind blowing. Biden told Trump he should insist on having American health experts on the ground in China. I would be on the phone with China and making it clear. We are going to need to be in your country. You have to be open. You have to be clear. We have to know what's going on. But Trump rolled over for the Chinese. He took their word for it. Trump never got a CDC team on the ground in China. And the travel ban he brags about, Trump led in 40,000 travelers from China into America after he signed it. And the thing that he said to is that Trump now agrees with his original recommendation that we essentially need to send like an aggressive envoy of scientists to monitor China or something. Yeah. His whole thing is China. You got to let our people

in there. Go around in there. The most shot men ever. So you didn't like arm scientists to China to observe it? Because it's the solution of someone who has only been a mindless hawk their entire career. Right. The problem is solved by U.S. military intervention. So even this, which is a fucking unprecedented pandemic, send in the Marine doctors. You know what it is? You know what it is? It's the movie Armageddon. Okay. So asteroid hurtling towards Earth. Instead of teaching astronauts to operate a drill, yeah, they get drillers and teach them to be fucking astronaut. It's harder to be an astronaut. Yes. And this is Joe Biden's thinking where he's like, okay, there's a disease that we need to fight. Instead of, you know, just having scientists

and medical researchers work on this, we're going to like militarize them and train them in something that is complete. I don't know. Metaphor doesn't actually work. But it all comes from a conception of like, well, the problem is we need to fight the virus. Like the problem is we need to drill in the thing. It's like, well, no, actually, the bigger issue is going to space. The bigger issue is like researching the disease. Well, I disagree with Biden's plan because I think Marines are the smartest people on Earth and they can be taught how to be scientists. Right. You know, that's what he wants to do, though. Yeah. You know, for sure, that's what he wants to do. What absolutely blows my mind with this is that so their whole thing is they're going to win. Basically,

the presidency is going to come down to who people in aggregate blame for this. Do they blame China? Do they blame just act of God, or do they blame Trump? If they blame Trump, Biden will win. It's just a fact. And if they blame China, then Trump has a fighting chance. So of course, Trump talks about China all the time. And their idea that instead of just ignoring that because it's an obvious distraction, trying to either, you know, if you want to just be tactical about it, talk about what he actually fucked up, like his actual bad decisions and his like the record of them ignoring it for a month and all that. And all the times he's told people it wasn't a big deal. And then it fucking bit him in the ass or get grand with it and propose an alternative to what

we're getting now, which is this awful corporate bailout and like frontline people being forced to risk their lives for minimum wage. How about an alternative to this awful thing where we're like the small business loan dispensaries just getting looted by every fucking corporation that just wants to pay more executive fucking bonuses? How about an alternative or something? No, we're going to talk about China on Trump's terms and make a question of is it or is it not China's? It's like, it's the perfect distillation of idiot Democrat brain. He's not even like dog whistling correctly, though, because like that doesn't appeal to any of that. Like, I don't know, Jen Pan, who writes that the New Republic was just like,

who does he think that this is going to be interesting to like the people who are already against? Yes, people who are already against China thinks that he was late to blame them and think that he's like writing on Trump's coattails. And everyone else is like, why are you talking about China? We need we need fucking tests. So like he's trying to appeal to people who will never be amenable to him and alienating people who want to like him for the love of God. But I mean, Biden said this during the campaign is that his strategy in so many words, he said his strategy in the general election would be to run right and to run towards getting Republicans instead of going to the left. Like that's why he kept talking about how he thought there were

reasonable Republicans and he could work with them. He was doing that. And now that he's the nominee, he's doing what he promised. This campaign is going to be about getting those suburban Republicans that that because the theory is yes, they went with Trump last time, but they've turned on him because of how go she is. And we've seen that in the results of the midterms. And in the primary, a lot and it's true, a lot of those suburban areas swung hard against Republicans. So maybe those maybe that's where the votes are. And that's where they're going to go and look for. That's the literal definition of this insanity. It's trying to absolutely they're just going to keep banging their head against the wall because that's the

only way they can go because they cannot deliver on left wing promises. Now that's in a moment when the capital is this unstable. I thought the Democrats could do worse than jumping into the culture war argument of like whether to call it the Chinese virus or not, which is like, yeah, it's fucking stupid and bad to call it that. But like, literally making a whole thing about how you making your whole media cycle, being Democrats saying that you shouldn't do that. Right. Yeah, literally shut up. I mean, it was just like a loser of a cycle. And it was, it was like sort of a gift to either like sort of Ben Shapiro types, like GOP media types who aren't explicitly pro Trump, even though they support everything he does to go, oh, look,

this is what the Democrat, this is their solution to say that you shouldn't call the Chinese virus. I thought they couldn't do, I thought they couldn't do worse than that. But this is actually shittier because yeah, anyone, I mean, I just want to say if you're an any country hawk, you're a fucking loser. Any, like any, if you're a hawk and you don't work for Raytheon or you're not like a politician who's bought, yeah, you're a fucking, you're a fucking moron. You're a complete cuckold idiot, fucking bowed dumbass, who's just just a drone who would harvest, like allow their spine to be harvested by the military industrial complex, you're a fucking sucker. But like, like those people are just going to vote for Trump. Like the millet, the guys who wear the

battleship hats. Cold War veteran. Yeah. The Tom Clancy brigade. The Tom Clancy. Yeah. Those guys are all voting for Trump. Yeah, like Moor dads. Yeah. Like, like writing Moor dads. Yeah. It's just complete fucking idiocy. Also, Joe Biden is uniquely weak optically on the China issue because of all the fucking money that China gave her a giant diamond. He got a diamond. That Trump isn't going to bring up. Yeah, it's actually diamond presents. Like, like, oh, you really want to talk about like the paper trail of Trump ignoring the fucking thing for a month while they were telling him how big of a deal it was and just go back to him defunding. How about the fact that they're hijacking PPE from the States and selling it back to

them? Yes. Yes. Yes. Like literal war profiteering directed by the White House. Yeah. But that is a legitimate, like a paper trail that is like, you know, horrifying. The other story involves a diamond. It's a real Uncle Jens. He's the real Uncle Jens. Hunter. Hunter. Where's the diamond? Hunter. Yes. Where's the diamond? And that's the hashtag. And that's it. Hunter. Where's the diamond? You don't even have to talk about any of the economic malfeasance. Diamonds. Diamonds. Where's you got the diamond? And then he could bring out a fake would be like, this is what it looks like, folks. He's smoking crack out of it. It's so shiny. It's so shiny. So yeah, that it's that's it's a fucking gift. They can't do anything but give them gifts. I I don't know the China though,

it was interesting because it did show I'm not a I'm not a Biden doomer. Like I think it's very possibilities win. And I've been vocal about that since it was clear it's going to run. But it does give you this insight that the Biden campaign is not exactly the Hillary campaign. Like they have the same basic idea that we're going to replace the the base of the Democratic Party with rich suburbanites. But in practice, it did make me think Biden if Biden gets elected president, and this may be like, maybe one of the most affirmative cases you can give for him, it would eviscerate the liberal media identity politics industrial complex. Because Biden world has no use for those people. Like Democrats just spent a week being like,

don't call it the Chinese virus. Joe comes out there and he's like, we're going to we're going to send we're going to send them back. He comes he comes out and says he comes out. Listen, Mac, like Donald Trump says he's a good businessman, but he doesn't understand that the the celestial is inscrutable. Yeah, they're mysterious and untrustworthy in their ways. He's going to come out in white dreadlocks. Oh, yeah. By like Biden. This isn't this isn't a side. But like, so I heard was talking about how this entire primary was a referendum against Bernie and Bernie's ideas. And, you know, depending on how much of a fucking loser you are a podcast, you don't like. But if that's true, isn't it also true that this is also a referendum on

everything the liberal media has lectured everyone about since 2014, that no one cares about that shit? Well, not only that, not only not only they didn't they did a complete refutation of all that. They did not care about it. Like, yeah, like they're all those same people, those same schools are now fucking lining up to fucking like a hector you about voting for Joe Biden to support Joe Biden. You see them trying to like put the fucking identity politics on Corona. Like they are all trying to like hustle their like ID Paul angle into an epidemic. And people I've seen people who were like always just sort of very gentle hearted, just very like live and let live. And they're like, oh, well, that's important to people. And they were maybe sort of naive about

what the the cynicism level of these like hacks are. I've seen them look at stuff that says like, you know, Coronavirus is gendered. And they're just like, shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. No, yeah, it's done. The backlash. We tried it. We tried it your way. Shut the fuck up. No, yeah, people are done with that shit. I mean, and Biden himself, Biden is a one man wrecking crew for all the Biden. You might call him you might call him in a China shop. Yeah. Well, Biden Biden ended me too. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yes, he did. Do not get mad at us for saying that. That's just a fucking observation of reality. And you know what? The funny thing about that is like those people that were most invested in it didn't really care. Well, what we're seeing now is that

it can all of it can be utilized, all of it can be weaponized. And if it can, then you can't trust it. If all of it is for sale, then where is the handle to grab onto? There's one thing that they can't do anything with. And that is socialism. You can't do anything with it. It really is. It's a non-negotiable one. Everything else is up for bid. Look at the way the Times is covering like the Biden me to shit is like they waited three weeks to run a front page article about it like literally the day Bernie suspended his campaign and what how where they're really covering it is on the op-ed pages. And like, you know, the pitch perfect example of that is Michelle Goldberg in the New York Times, again, whose husband was the Liz Warren Liberty Green graphic designer.

Yeah, really good shit. She said like, look, like the thing about these allegations is that they're being used to troll me too. And I'm like, well, even if that's true, it's because it's so fucking easy. How could anyone not like it's just right. It's glaring in front of you. Maybe you cobble together something that was fundamentally shallow, a political motivated by careerism and media spectacle and a bunch of celebrity gossip posing as feminist politics. And guess what? It's easy to fucking poke holes in that. No, Felix is totally right. The Biden campaign has like, you know, not only killed me too, but killed all intersectional politics. Because you like, I mean, like what like he is not running the intersectional campaign

and he's proven that you don't need to and like not even like actual non-white voters don't even give a fuck about it. Guess what? They don't. They don't. Yeah. Like that's for Elizabeth Warren voters who are like the whitest people in the fucking Democratic Party. But let Sean McKell we tell you what Bernie should have done. How he should have appealed more to the very voters that Warren did, which got her third place in her own fucking state. Okay. Did you guys see like, this is another great tweet this week. And it's actually like a pitch, like it's just a remake of an earlier one that from the same person, Amanda Marcotte's tweet about how like if your boyfriend doesn't like Elizabeth Warren, they secretly think they secretly think that your

job is stupid and don't respect you. And like they may they may say that they're a feminist, but when the kids come along, they'll expect you to like stop going to work and take care of the kids, which is like a very. Okay. First of all, most jobs are stupid. Second of all, nobody reading Amanda Marcotte tweets has a boyfriend. No, but it's like, it's a weird like outmoded thing about like, yep, soon as the kid comes along, you better be a full time. It's like, she said like the most of all most women I know would kill for that. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It's so out of date. I'm sorry. The most the problem, the big problem, it really does show that like the chief, the chief problem with modern feminism at this point is because it is,

it is so associated with like going to work as liberation that now having a job, which is not inherently exploitative, it is liberatory. Yeah. Well, work will set you free bad. Exactly. And that is, I'm sorry, that is literally poisonous to class politics. Well, it happened during the, there's a reason that happened though, because it was sort of developed during a post war period when actually jobs were kind of good. You like went into the office 30 hours a week, you've seen Mad Men, you were drunk all the time, and then you're totally okay. You can fuck your secretary. It was awesome. Yeah. So they could be forgiven for thinking that like, oh, well, you know, there are the jobs that looks like fun. We're going to get to do that.

But instead, the economy changed because that was like a superficial post war bubble. And now they're like, yeah, you do have careers and you're working 70 hours a week for like garbage, or you're you're unemployed or underemployed or completely over employed, you're treated like shit, you have no rights, just like the boys, aren't you happy? Aren't you happy? And that's because of the dangerous like blinders that were on the movement because of its middle class nature, because the fun, the joke of it all is that the told time that all these middle class women were pining for like jobs, working class women were working and it sucked. If they had any knowledge of like what working class women did, actually did, they would be like, oh, working is not

necessarily literally this great thing. Well, they literally, I mean, okay, so they knew that those women had jobs, but they weren't talking about those jobs. I mean, like it was acknowledged even. I mean, like, I mean, whatever, the women in my family always worked, you know, they were garbage. But if you read like, like, Friedan, The Feminine Mystique, when she gets to the point of prescription, she was like, well, okay, but who is going to run the house? Yeah. And her solution was to hire female domestic labor, those other women. Well, yeah, I mean, that's the unspoken thing in the tweet about like, oh, like, well, expect you to take care of the kids as soon as they come along with just like, well, yeah, I mean, it just seems to assume that like you'd be

hiring someone to do that. Or maybe she could say that like, well, maybe the husband would say home rather than, but then again, like, yeah, a single income household, like, yeah, that's a thing that's very easily available to a lot of people. Yeah. We've created an economy where that's not even a viable option. And never does socialized healthcare factor into any of this shit. And I just love that she's reworking like the famous John Water. She's reworking the famous John Waters quote, or like, if you go home with someone and they don't have Elizabeth Warrens on their book, on their bookshelf, don't fuck them. And of course, this is wildly classist, because guess what? The majority of men have no opinion on Elizabeth Warren either way.

They don't know who she is or give a shit. No. Yeah. They care about like, what's Deadpool going to get up to in the next movie? Guys, girls, whoever, look, if you go home with someone, they don't have a Deadpool poster up. Don't fuck them. If they're, if they want to release the Snyder cut, don't fuck them. So I want to switch gears for a second and talk about the other big thing that's going on. I mean, not big thing, but just a thing that interests and amuses me the most about what's going on in the country right now. And that would be the totally spontaneous grassroots protest. Yes. To reopen the states and end the quarantine lockdown, reopen, liberate Michigan, liberate the states where you've got basically people showing up at state

houses using like Guy Fawkes masks as PPE. Yeah. Just like, you know, screaming at cameras about how like they're, okay, famously, there is a guy who is in tears because he couldn't buy lawn fertilizer. I got him fertilize the lawn. And he's like, you're telling us that you can't, you can't buy grass seed? Literally weeping because he can't buy shit. Yeah. Yeah. And like, there is the woman who's like, the woman who's like, oh, I can't get my hair done. And like, you know, her roots are like, you know, way out there. And you know, okay, here's what I want to say about this. I've seen like a lot of like contrarian, busy bodies scolding that like, actually the left shouldn't make fun of these people because they're workers or like, you

should have sympathy for these people. Please. What? Please jack me off to completion. Like they're owners. These people are rich assholes. They want to open them so that their employees can risk getting corona. Okay. Right. Even if, even if that weren't the case, I'm sorry. Hundreds of Americans turning out in like public to like cough and gobb on each other in the middle of a pandemic to demand that like they can be able to buy shit again. I'm sorry. That's funny. And it's just indicative of like everything stupid about America. Like there are no other countries where this is happening right now. Did you see the clip of this one guy? It was a nurse in scrubs doing a one man counter protest standing in front of traffic of this woman

in a tank like SUV, honking her his horn, honking her horn at him. And then like she just, just crawls out of the window like some kind of fucking gargoyle to scream at him about how he should move to China if he likes communism so much. And that's the guy who's probably going to be like fucking ventilating her next week. Yes. Yes. You know what I mean? Like she had a side that said, free land, free land. And it's like, this is a little on the nose. I do have a few questions about this because I haven't been reading that much into this because it's not in FT or business insider or TV or television. Right. It's all ginned up. It's like a couple handfuls of people. I think it's a couple handfuls of people. And I assume they're either knowingly

or unknowingly acting on someone's behalf. Yes. Oh, yes. No, it's absolutely. Because I will say, I mean, there are people who are like, look, I need my fucking job back. I want to like take my chances and, you know, ease the quarantine. And I mean, those are not these people. Those are not these people. Yeah. Yeah. One, those are not these people. And two, where do these people come from? Because like rugged individualists tend to not be very good at organized protests. They're usually like the Tea Party. There usually tends to be an infrastructure behind it. Yes. Well, obviously, that's the case. Yes. I mean, these, these are these are these are Astor. I'm sure like the Cokes or Murphur. No, it's already being exposed. Yeah.

To Amber's point, like there's sort of a similar thing in the UK where there's a bunch of like weird tweets from like, I don't want to say bought because that term has been just beaten into meaninglessness, but like very clearly Astor Turf, NHS accounts, the stock photos of supposed NHS workers, all their tweets are sent from Hootsuite, which is like a mass mass tweeting tool where they're talking about how we should do herd immunity and all this shit. And that does like, I think like always, this is, we know what the play for like the right wing fake populist governments of the world will be. And as always, Bolsonaro just gave it away quicker than everyone else because he's the dumbest. And was just been walking around into huge crowds saying that

he doesn't have it despite everyone he's ever known having it and kissing him all the time. But that like, that's going to be the thing is like Astor Turf protests about opening back up again. But the thing, I mean, the thing that's awful is like, yeah, those are two main options. Like you have on one side, you have people going, no, everyone stay locked down forever. And we'll give you, we'll give you a rebate for 13.8% of your income if you went to a state school within the last five years. And you can buy Cobra for your health insurance. And maybe we can give you your, you know, fucking half of your unemployment insurance through T bills. And then the other side just saying, open it all up, fuck it, let's go. Yeah. Yeah, those are the only options you're

getting. Yeah. I think what's going on here, and like, you know, it's an inverse point, like, yes, the longer this goes on, like, you know, if you're not getting a paycheck, it's going to get to the point where like, you fucking like, you need an income, you need money to survive. And like, the idea that you can't or aren't allowed to work is going to be a problem. And then like, that decision to, you know, not observe social distance or quarantine is going to be like, you know, one that I don't, you know, will be harder to scold people for, for breaking. Everyone at these fucking protests, they're not demanding that they go back to work. They're demanding that other people go back to work for them. So that they don't have to go to the restaurant so that

he could get free refills. So they didn't have to get two iced teas through the drive through. Yeah. Yeah. And like, I mean, like the images from the protests are like, ghoulish in the, in the extreme because it is like, you know, it's the MAGA mom screaming in front of a basket Robbins about like, I'm giving me my 31 flavors back. This is a tyranny. And the thing I think is most interesting are the guys who bring the guns because yeah, what are you, what are the guns? Right? Because like, what do you want here? Because obviously they're mad about tyranny, but like it's the fact that the matter is at this point, it's because there's a virus dude. All right. Say they let you reopen your tanning salon or your fucking cheesecake

factory. People aren't going to come. People still think that there's a dangerous fucking thing out there. So what are you going to do? Go to their houses and force them to come to your fucking restaurant at gunpoint? Like, what are you going to shoot? It's just there to be, it's a pacifier. It's just like, I, I know, even though my life has been radically constrained in the last month in a way I never thought possible, I'm actually still a free being because I have this gun. And if it was really bad, I'd be shooting somebody. But it's like, motherfucker, that's never going to happen. You're just going to hold on to that thing as they put you through the corn shoot. But Matt, like all of these people are like, I wish a mother would guys. Oh yeah. Yes. That's

America. That perpetual state. We all, it's all fake. And the idea of it like, okay, look, like we're in a situation now where like, you know, state and federal governments are like issuing restrictions on things that are like, you would otherwise take for granted in your daily life. I mean, again, these restrictions are not anything approaching what I would call tyranny and should probably be a lot more strict. Honestly, if we're serious about, you know, stop pickness disease. So I can imagine that like, you know, in a country like America, angry people would show up at state houses and gripe about it. That's fine. And even an instinct like I kind of sympathize with it. It's, there's something so ghoulishly evil and singularly,

you know, like identified with America that these people are yelling, screaming and protesting met like healthcare workers. That's who they're fucking angry at are like doctors. If it wasn't for doctors, nobody would, there wouldn't be a crisis. People would just start dying. And you'd be like, Oh, that's weird. I didn't have any of these problems. So someone told me about that. So it's actually like, Oh, my bowling team's all dead. That's weird. But everything would still be open. And that would be fine. And because all these people are have killed God and put themselves in the place of God, they can't die. So it won't be them by axiom. So reopen the shit so that I can, I can just keep going. I mean, like this, again,

like the this is one of these phenomenons going on right now. Like, yeah, in the midst of a plague that's killing thousands, that it's like the Mr. Show Rollycoaster sketch. People are just like, just like lining up to fucking die for this shit. And I'm sorry, like if you're telling me that I can't think that that's funny, because if some like vague leftist reason, it's like, please, please eat my shit. Well, the thing is, like fucking get real problems. If you're mad that people are laughing at something that is absurd, get real problems. Well, the big problem is that is that these are the people who feel free to protest right now, even though this is an absolutely unacceptable situation. Forget like obviously the argument free. They're trying to resolve the

contradiction at the heart of this thing between the virus and the economy by saying, well, we'll just pretend that the virus isn't real. That's not a realistic answer. There has to be a realistic answer that takes into account the reality of the virus and the economy and those are conflict, but says, well, we need people to still be able to fucking live. What are we going to do? What are we going to do about rent? What are we going to do about fucking, about debt? What are we going to do about people's ability to sustain their lives? Well, they hide in place or do life-threatening work on the front line. That's a real argument that has to be had, but that's not what we're talking about. We're talking about the concerns of a very thin sliver of our ex-urban bourgeoisie

who want to get fudruckers back opened. Yeah. Well, it's the petty booze spectacle though, and that always makes the news, man. The news is basically that. It's what concerns these fucking babbits. Do you ever get the impression though that it's just like people who work at the New York Times bitter at their one trashy cousin that always embarrasses them, and that's why these people- Or like their hometowns and stuff. Yeah. That's why these people are like completely fixated on these totally marginal spectacle. They're trying to, because they have an anxiety of identification and they need to separate themselves. I'm not like those white petty booze idiots. Correct. It's that. All right. You guys want to close out here with a

little reading series, a little sample, a little something. It's been a while since we've done a reading series. Yeah, it's been a while. Been a while since we've done a reading series. Okay. This is a, this is a reading series debut from a guy who's rapidly become one of the one of the most annoying pieces of shit in existence. I'm talking, of course, about Mehdi Hassan has become the leading left-wing, you know, scold about just like trying to just buffalo people into like you absolutely have to vote for Biden. And he recently just rolled out Noam Chomsky to make the argument that Noam has made for basically every election as long as I've been alive. The only thing about Noam Chomsky anyone's ever supposed to listen to is what he

tells people to vote for Democrats. Exactly. And you know what? Like, I'm not going to bad mouth Noam. I think basically he's a saint. I will. I think he's overrated, but he's a sweet man. And also he did say the smartest thing that people said about working class rationality, which was listen to sports, talk, radio. People think about strategy. Normal people do every day. But yeah, like, you know, he just did an interview with Noam Chomsky where Noam says the thing he says of every election, which is like, you know, if you're in a swing state, you know, it's incumbent on you to pull the lever for the Democrat, the lesser of two evils, this kind of harm reduction. I mean, you know, he said that about Mitt Romney, who he said,

you know, could start the world nuclear armageddon, you know what I mean? So like, you know, no smoke with Noam. But like, you know, again, like Matt is right, this is the only thing Noam Chomsky has ever said that surprise, surprise can't find somehow finds purchase in the media. Interesting. So this is this is Mehdi Hassan. And I said, like, he's become just so insufferable. No, he's always like, okay, oh, no, he's always been sucked. Well, I guess like I Mehdi Hassan Mehdi Hassan is, I don't want to give away the game too much here. But Mehdi is one of those people who the activity he loves the most is job interviews. That could be the only activity he likes. His entire life is one. So so here we go. He's, he's tried to work

for the Daily Mail. Yeah. He's a sibling and always was and was transparently so. I'm sorry if you got scammed into thinking he was ever good because he parroted some bullshit, but his career was pretty, pretty obvious. Let's be honest. If you got scammed by hearing a British accent. Yes. Yeah, it works for a lot of people. He owned guys like John Stuart got a lot of his original worship around the fact that he would like own conservatives. Well, John Stuart was also a fantastically skilled comedian. It's funny. Very, very funny. Great delivery. Great everything. I don't know what positive qualities Mehdi is supposed to have. I never understood it either. Just along those lines, I do, I do want to add along the job interview lines because I know he's

mixed it up with at least some of you on Twitter the other day. He would have surprised me to learn that he and his people pitched us hard when his podcast started. No. I have, I still have the emails. Cool. So here we go. You didn't inform me of that opportunity for me to jump at the chance. Oh, Chris, you're fired. Yeah. All right. Here's, I can't wait. I can't wait. You know, if Biden wins, I can't wait to see what Mehdi does. Mehdi may end up, he may end up like just getting out of the politics business. He may just end up like hosting the new Mansers or he could be White House press secretary here. Here's Mehdi. Here he is. Reading in the intercept. Dear Joe Biden, here's why you're not reading this, dude. I get you. Dear Joe Biden, here's why you should pick

Elizabeth Warren as your running mate. And I want to preface this. I want to preface this by saying number one, Elizabeth Warren was asked about this and immediately said, yes, absolutely. Please, please, please pick me, Joe. And here's the thing about this. I just want to preface this by saying I agree with this 1000%. I want him to pick no one for vice president other than Elizabeth Warren because this is the most fitting punishment for her. And it's what her and all of her fans actually deserve, which is to serve as Joe Biden's vice president and cover for like the bankruptcy bill part two. She's going to come out there and have to like fucking flack for that shit. So this is what she deserves. So I really, really hope Joe Biden does pick Elizabeth Warren. Literally

being on the other side of the table that she was in on during the first collapse in 08 and 09. So here we go. Dear Joe Biden, if you win in November, you will be 78 years old at your inauguration, the oldest person ever to enter the White House. Sorry to be blunt, but the actuarial table suggests there is a one in five chance you may not make it to the end of your first term. Keep doing those workouts. Voters, therefore, will be paying more attention than normal to who you decide to pick for your vice presidential candidate and heir apparent. And unlike most previous presidential elections, who you choose to nominate as your running mate in 2020 really does matter. It could be one of the most consequential VP picks in modern American history. So, so far you've said

you plan on picking a woman. And if some of the leaks from your campaign are to be believed, these are the four top, these are the four of the top runners and riders. Elizabeth Warren, Kamala Harris, Stacy Abrams, and Amy Klamaschar. All of them are formidable politicians. Harris, the skilled inquisitor, Abrams, the voting rights champion. Oh my God, I like the fellowship of the rig. Oh, so she got owned. She got owned at voting rights. She lost. As we've just seen in this primary, if the one thing that Democrats are really credible about, it's like, you know, free, fair elections and free and fair and open elections.

And certainly access to voting is something that they're very concerned about. Hey, if you can go vote, if you want to jump over this tiger pit. So here she goes, blah, blah, blah. But Warren, it is Warren who stands out from the rest. If you were to offer her the VP, VP slot, the senator from Massachusetts had said without hesitation that she would. Oh yeah, no, there was not there. And you should make that offer and make it soon. Of course, I have my own agenda here. Yeah, no shit. Yeah. Like, like, like, like, like you guys, like plenty of others on the left. The reason I want Warren, the reason I want Warren on the ticket is to keep you in check while continuing.

I'll do it. Yeah. When is a vice president ever kept the president in check? Yeah. So he goes, while continuing to push for policies like universal health care, an end to the filibuster and a wealth tax, she's a progressive, you're not. But here's the thing. There are three simple reasons why you should want her as your running mate too. Number one, she's popular. Yes, you so what? Yeah, yeah. People love Liz Warren. Third in her own state. Liz Warren is like one of the only picks I could think of who would actually take away from Joe's electoral. It's true. She underperformed Hillary after when she got one for a reelection in 2008, 2018. She underperformed what Hillary did in

Massachusetts 2016. Mehdi is aware of this, folks. She says she's popular. Yes, you soundly beat her in the Democratic presidential primaries, including includingly humiliatingly on her home turf of Massachusetts. Yeah. Consider the latest polls, however. According to Axios, a new survey in the key swing states of Michigan and Wisconsin commissioned by donors of color action found Warren to be the overall candidate to beat among potential vice president, vice presidential nominees. Meanwhile, a you gov economist nationwide poll of Democratic voters found one woman emerges as the clear choice, Massachusetts Senator Elizabeth Warren, who leads in every age group with both men and women. She also happens to be the sixth most

popular Democrat in the United States and the most popular woman in the party. Six most popular, huh? Warren. All right. Now we're talking. She is the sixth most popular Democrat. She roundly won the presidential elections for the AV club. Come November, and especially against Donald Trump and his MAGA cult, you're going to need an enthused and energetic Democratic base. Yeah, I'll do it. Yeah. Also like a cult pot kettle. Come on. And also, I mean, if the number one issue is having an enthused and energetic Democratic base and bringing in a large chunk of the party who's otherwise alienated. Well, I don't know, you can make the offer to Bernie, but that's not going to happen. So he goes here yet despite

your impressive primary victories, only one in four of your own supporters say they are very enthusiastic about your candidacy. Your your campaign rallies were, let's be honest, pitiful affairs while Warren pulled in overflow crowds of cheering fans and selfie takers better than her generally in terms of getting crowds. I can't remember his name though. Warren master the art. Warren has mastered the art of drawing thousands to her rallies noted the Associated Press last September. That was less of, yeah, yeah, before any before any vote took place. She did not master the art of drawing thousands to the polling locations to vote to vote for her at all. So here we go. Also, also Warren's events outside of a lot of urban centers and

college like they got to be quite anemic. And this was before her Super Tuesday collapse. Like there were the media because Liz Warren was the media candidate and by media, I don't mean candidate that they wanted to win. I mean, the official candidate of fucking irritating media strivers because she represented every issue they fucking pretend to care about. They would talk about every time a Liz Warren rally was well, well attended or a Warren selfie line was well attended, which was, you know, there are quite a few that. But yeah, no one drew cards like Bernie and Liz had a lot of events where there was more staff than people there to see her. Warren has charm, people skills and a common touch.

Yeah. Working skills. Is she going to be the fucking like head of HR and a goddamn JC penny? What the fuck? Yeah, are we electing a toddler? Working class white men may be your biggest fans. College educated white women are hers. Yeah, that's a group that the Democratic Party really needs to shore up right now. Yeah, right. College educated white women. That's literally their quadrant. Okay. And then he goes and the misogyny she's had to endure so far may not be a problem in the general election. And by the way, the word misogyny contains a hyperlink and I click through and it's to a Moira Donoghan article in The Guardian. So literally, you can make the case that Hillary Clinton has been subjected to sexism throughout her career. You can say that I don't

care, but she has. No one has been mean to Liz Warren. No one. Well, we, well, I have, but, you know, not in gendered ways. I mean, I have, but like any time she was ever like bullied by bullied with with regards to her gender, it was by other women. So I don't know what the fuck you like you cannot compare. Again, say what you will about Hillary. She kills people. She's evil. She eats children. But like she actually did experience a degree of very intense, virulent sexism from the public and from, you know, from the media. But this never happened to Liz Warren. This was not enough. This never happened. We've been over this a million times before. What Elizabeth Warren faced was the fact that she lied about being Native American for most of her

adult life and was also Republican for most of her adult life. And basically, the critique on her was that she was a phony who didn't actually believe in the things that people thought she did, which is been borne out as a thousand percent true. That's not, it certainly would not. It's not gendered to point that out. Certainly not the filter. People would look at her becoming Biden's VP through like they're not going to be chumps like media son and be like, wow, look at Elizabeth Warren going to keep old Joe honest. Just like, oh, there's Elizabeth Warren being a fucking snake again. Yes, exactly. Like, no, it's not like, like her being Joe Biden's vice president, despite standing against literally everything he's ever said and done as a senator

or vice president. The take could not be, oh, she's going to keep Joe Biden honest. It's look how fucking dishonest she is. Absolutely. Yes. So he goes on to continue. Like most women, your former White House colleague, Jennifer Palmieri, pointed out in the Boston Globe last week, she could be even more effective when she's campaigning for someone else other than herself. Then voters don't. Sorry, that's still insane. That's still insanely bad, like syntax, just from a writer perspective, like most women who also write for the Boston Globe. I says, then voters don't get uneasy about all the ambition she has. Hey, remember last election? Remember when like the Hillary campaign was like, we're bringing out our secret weapon, Elizabeth Warren. Yeah.

When dangerous Donald, she knows how to get under Trump's skin. Yeah. Like, remember 2016, they were like, okay, we're unleashing the, unleashed the Warren dangerous, like dangerous Donald will not know what's coming. And she made like, he's going to go crazy and he's going to shit his pants and start crying because little boy is going to shred him. She made like two stabs at this publicly. And it was so bad that they just like disappeared her immediately. Yeah. She was like, hey, hey, Donald. It was like, she went, hey, hey, Donald, Donald, that wiggie yours, what's under there? Your tax returns. And he's like, oh, here's toca hottest. It's not the Boston Tea Party. How do you go? Yeah. Yeah. Liz Warren, Liz Warren, like

she was at some fucking idiotic rally in 2016. And she was like, you know, yeah, like Matt said, like, all right, Donald, the only thing you could win is an unprepared disc contest. And like Trump called her goofy Elizabeth Warren. And then the, even the Hillary people are like, okay, yeah, she's like the battlefield and disarray. Get her ass. They were like, get like that's not an arguable thing. She brought her out. They said there was the tons of articles about how Elizabeth Warren is going to fuck Donald Trump's shit up. She gets under his skin like no one else. And then he said, Oh, here's toca hottest. Bye bye. And then she was gone. You can't argue the chronology. They put her away. They put her back on the shelf.

If he's like Robby Mook, Robby Mook, Robby Mook held her in his hand and said, I don't want to play you anymore and dropped her. No, she'd be like, she'd be like, you know, the only warming Donald Trump thinks is real is the one in his tanning salon. Then he'd be like, why don't you make it? Why don't you do a rain dance, honey? Bye bye. And then it was just compared to Elizabeth Warren's lines. Amy Klobuchar is I'd like to see how your hair would fair in a blizzard, Mr. Umbrella, man. He's absolutely fine at 500 times. There are a few things that I've seen that are more like nauseating to watch all the way through than that video of her saying that joke over and over and over again. I love that. You get like nausea within like the

first 30 seconds and you're like, how long is this? Oh my God. She keeps doing it. Oh God. Oh Jesus. And you just think of what must be in her head to just do that every day. And you're like, my God, these people are fucking monsters. Or comedians have acts. You don't call Chris Rock a hack for doing the same joke in two different cities. Elizabeth Warren, point number two, she is progressive. You spent much of the primary campaign trashing her positions and Bernie Sanders, but you may need a progressive on your ticket come November. Klobuchar is to the right of you. Abrams isn't so progressive on some economic issues. By the way, it recently came out that Abrams favorite book is Atlas Shrugged. So that happened. Maybe she likes architecture. That's

the fountain head. Well, okay. Same idea. She likes trains. And Harris may have a train as a type of mobile architecture. And there we go. Done. I win again. And Harris may have a very liberal voting record as a senator, but was far from a progressive prosecutor in California. It's Warren who is your bridge to the left of the party. She offers the ideological balance you need. Yes, need. There was a multiplicity of reasons for why Hillary Clinton lost in 2016. But the numbers of Sanders to Trump voters hurt her. The numbers of Jill Stein voters hurt her. The number of 2012 Obama voters who stayed home hurt her. Yeah, many is really getting that point in there really again. They're like, yeah, yeah, they're like, oh, yeah, like, oh, sure. There's a lot of reasons why she

lost. But yeah, like all the Bernie Sanders supporters who didn't vote for her, like that definitely really made a difference. Absolutely. So yeah, so wait, wait, wait, wouldn't want to do that again. Now would you left wing of the party? Because how are you going to prevent any or all of that from happening again by ignoring the left? Sanders is too old and too male to be your running mate. So Warren is the next best option, even though he fills all of the things that you just said were so important for Biden to do. Oh, but he's an oldie. He's old and male. Yeah, a thing that we know America cares about, which is why Joe Biden is the Democratic nominee. Yes, exactly. And I'm sorry, like all those fucking Democratic, but the college educated white women,

he could make fucking Strom Thurman's body his running. He could do his fucking corpse. Yep. Strom Thurman's headstone, they would still fucking line up to vote for him. Yeah, no one cares. Even the people who claim to care, the people who claim to care, who spent the last three years, like, you know, injecting their garbage careers through the heart with fucking adrenaline by arguing about like what the identity of the president needs to be, even they don't care. I mean, they would, they would proclaim to care. But if Joe Biden came out and picked

like Tim Kaine, baby, that's just, that's just content. Yeah. If Joe Biden came out to our and picked Tim Kaine as his vice president, these people would be fine with it. They wouldn't vote for him. They wouldn't lose a single fucking vote. Yeah. Many of the people who are committed to that right now. We already know that Tim Kaine, Tim Kaine wasn't a problem for them. And again, like, and Mehdi's whole thing is just scolding everyone about how like, absolutely, you're totally insane and privileged if you're willing to risk another four years at Donald Trump. But he's just like, he's pitching to, I don't know, Democratic voters who are like, could be on the fence if Joe Biden doesn't pick the right VP. He should be angry at them for

even fucking considering not voting for the Democratic ticket, no matter who the fucking vice president is. How dare you make any kind of purity test demands when we have a Cheeto in chief. So here's a damn Cheeto in the white house. It's got the voice of a man. It's got the voice of a man. He has feet. We've been in quarantine so long that we finally get it. We finally get why that's funny. I finally realize, oh my god, there's a damn Cheeto in the white house.

It's got these orange. There's a Cheeto in the chief. You know what? Never mind. We need to do anything we can to stop this much drossity from ruling over us. This is a front to God. We risk his wrath every day. He befouls our greatest house. You guys ready for this? Hit me. The Clementine Claude. Okay. Warren PowerPoint, third and final. And this is, this is, this one you may be familiar with. He's got a plan. Hell yes.

Fuck off. We're seeing how well her plans work out. Doesn't that mean her plans are dog shit? Her plans aren't dog shit. I will rob a bank and give you all the money, Maddie, if you never write another fucking article again. Please stop. He's trying really hard with this one. You know what I mean? He's coming up with some really original shit that no one has considered before.

So here he goes. I love his retweets. Warren has a plan for almost everything and often before anyone else. She was the first major presidential candidate to call for the impeachment of Donald Trump. Again, how did that work? That was a fucking disaster. After reading every page of the 448 page Mueller report, she was the first candidate to publish a detailed... Okay, if she was the first...

Okay, she read every page of the Mueller report. She did all the reading. And it got her third place in her own speech. She did all the fucking reading. She was the first candidate to publish a detailed plan to tackle the coronavirus outbreak. She continues to make the loud and relentless case for government action to save lives and rescue our economy. Every fucking other Democrat is doing this. Who gives a shit?

Also, literally, I'm sorry. Warren is not a public health specialist. She's not qualified to make public health recommendations. How these very reasonable liberals who think like, oh, I don't like that Bernie. His people seem like cult members. I like Warren because she's smart and she gets things. I want her to run the corona. She's basically like the Dalai Lama or Kim Il-sung.

She has the turtle knowledge of all subjects. Yeah, I want her to run the corona crisis because she's a law professor. Well, she has a plan and plans are totally transmutable. A plan could be for anything. She is a Godhead. She has omnipotence and omniscience. I tell you what, I could probably do a better job making recommendations for the epidemic than Elizabeth Warren, just because I've had to have first aid training.

Yeah. I'm more qualified than her. Going to college doesn't make you smart and specific. That's not how that works. People worship credentials and they give them magical abilities. You rub your degree on your head long enough and you become some sort of ledger man who knows all subjects. Yeah. Now I can fix a car.

Isn't this the person you want by your side, not just in office, but as you run for office in the midst of an unprecedented crisis? As you lose your keys, as you clip into a doorway, as you just pour an entire box of raisin brand into the car. Is there a smarter or more competent candidate out there? Well, I mean, yeah, there was one who definitely was way more successful. Way more popular. Way more popular, way more successful in the business of actually running for office

and winning votes and states and primaries and things like that. There's one out there who is smarter and more competent than her. You know, we've already dispensed of that. And isn't competence what you're trying to offer the American people after four long years? No, not at all. Not at all. No, it's body in a, it's a warm body in a seat. That's what he offers you.

I don't even know if he's that warm at this point. He might have an internal body temperature of like 72 degrees. Yes. It's like a bag of room temperature chowder. Listen, Jack, listen, Jack, in 2013, they removed all my blood and replaced it with a lizard's blood. Now, whatever room I go into, well, that's the situation where I, you know, I like to say, I'm like a, I already are that stupid. I'm sorry.

I shouldn't say that. I'm whatever temperature wherever I am. Has he gone away again? Did he go away for another week? Because I don't think he's been out again for, it's been a while, right? I haven't heard from him. Last time I saw him, he was on CNN being interviewed by Anderson Cooper. When was this?

This was last week. He was being interviewed by Anderson Cooper and Sanjay Gupta. Oh, right. Where a spray stopped working. On CNN, and like he sounded worse and less coherent than he ever. His spray just stopped working completely. Than he ever has before. Yes. Find that clip because you see Dr. Sanjay Gupta, who is probably one of the more credible of the TV doctors.

Him and Anderson Cooper. He's no Dr. Drew. You see there are three heads in the boxes. And you see Gupta and Cooper listening to Biden talk. And the look of both concern and fright on Sanjay Gupta's face is so like he cannot even hide it. That like he's supposed to take this guy seriously and then everyone has to vote for him. And he's looking at him like he's a patient. It's really something.

That has to be done. You know there's a during World War II. Where Roosevelt came up with a thing that was totally different than the World War II. He had the war production board. That is why anybody who is insisting that you have some sort of moral obligation to support this ticket. Fuck it. Suck my balls for eternity. Fuck off. Like these people are dragging a corpse across the finish line to be in the one position in the world where you can kill everyone on earth with a press of a button.

And they don't give a shit. And he just loves killing. They don't fucking care. He loves killing more than Trump does. Yeah that's the thing. If you do believe that this is the most important election of our lives and it's like yeah there are arguments I'm willing to entertain for that. But it's like wouldn't you be mad at the Democrats for like bringing out this guy. Yeah. I'm not again like I'm not a Biden doomer.

I see like a lot of realistic scenarios where he wins. But it's like if he loses it's because they put him on a stage next to Trump and he fucking wanders into the craft food table. Yes. Let's bring it home. Let's bring it home gang. So he says here this is your chance to be the anti McCain. Remember how your pal the late senator from Arizona unveiled the idiotic and unqualified Sarah Palin as his running mate 17 days before the financial crash. Announcing the. No Joe does not remember.

You're asking that he literally does not actually kind of need to ask. I remember I remember when John McCain introduced me to his running mate. Candice Berger still looked. You could still set a watch to those calves. Thank you Joe. Announcing the wonkish Warren as you're running. He's hitting every cliche imaginable in this fucking brief for Warren. I can see that I can see the sweat coming off of him typing.

Like is he really reaches to do something original with this piece here. He is jacking off while typing this. I will personally lobby the Federal Reserve to buy seven point eight trillion dollars worth of your articles if you promise to never publish them. Please stop. Please fucking stop. Sorry he's been a dear but he definitely reflects a really common sentiment about like there's this idea that there has to be like chemistry and balance between all of these people like at some kind of like ensemble. Like you got Elizabeth Warren you got the nerd you got Joe Biden you got the job. So you know you got to get the whole breakfast club in there and that's how they think. Exactly.

We know how this is going to be governed. It's going to be governed by the party that was willing to kill people killed people was willing to kill more people to stop Bernie from being the fucking nominee. Which means that they're willing to do anything to maintain their version of the party their version of America. Which means that there is no way that Warren is a VP would be do anything other than get sucked into the matrix and then would in a nice bit of historical irony get to preside over. The next version of the bailout like will was saying that she initially opposed on the other side of the table in the first Obama term now she gets to carry that out. Which is like I said why I why I why I want this to happen so fucking badly. So bring it home here it says announcing the wonkish Warren as your running mate a month after the declaration of a national emergency would send the exact opposite message as McCain's in 2008. Perhaps with a nod to your own age and health you have said rightly on more than one occasion that the person you pick to be your vice president has to be ready to be on day one to be president of the United States.

If that is your key requirement and I think it should be that it has to be Elizabeth Warren. It just has to be. She is readier than the rest. She is even readier than you Joe sincerely. Sincerely Mehdi Hassan I think that what all these people want all the media people imploring him to get Warren on the ticket want is they want absolution for the what they know they're going to do which is correct. Correct. Correct. Correct.

But also they want the I still think they're operating under the delusion that they can throw dissidents for the Democratic Party a bone. I think they still don't get that we hate them. I think that's our I think that's way subsidiary to their wanting to be able to be Biden prostitutes essentially without. I think they do that anyway. They just use Trump for that. I think there is some element of the fact that they have an alibi that alibi to their to their critics. I think I agree. I agree with Matt because like this gets back to what Felix was saying about like OK if Bernie's defeat was like a referendum on like a broad class based like Democratic socialist politics.

Then the defeat of Elizabeth Warren and the really ascendance of Joe Biden is a defeat of all the bullshit that these people have been selling you for the last five to ten years. And with Warren they want absolution of like the loser who like has the like paper thin representation of like all the shit they claim to care about. Even though like as Biden's VP she will be actively like the active reputation of all that but if she's on the ticket they can cover their own like fucking hollowed out conscience. Right. But to who? Like they don't have themselves. I don't know. I don't know.

I think to their audience. To their audience. Yes. To their readership. Like they're not having like you know like a long hard night thinking about this shit. They think that as long as there's still an ambient belief that Warren is a progressive like that means anything. Then if she's on the ticket then they have permission to flunk for Biden. Yes.

Yes. Correct. Like not just begrudgingly support Biden but like like enthusiastically flack for him. Yes. And conversely scold other people for not voting for him. Which is like I said why I chose Mehdi because he is like been the self appointed member of the left. And by that I mean someone who's discovered he's on the left in the last four years. But you know like I said back this is you know after he tried to work media opportunities.

Yeah. Yeah. He's trying to occupy a certain media ecosystem right now. And like the toll that you have to pay to get there you know to be the next CNN contributor as like a voice of the progressive part of America is to get mad at everyone who's saying that they won't vote for Biden because like that's so privileged and you're willing to you know risk all of these marginalized people then like how comfortable are you that you could think that it doesn't matter that Trump is president blah blah blah.

But my point with this is if Biden will pick any even he'll pick anyone it doesn't fucking matter. Even if he doesn't pick Warren what are you going to do then. Are you going to get mad at him. He's still going to support Biden. He's still going to fucking you back yourself into a corner where like there's literally nothing he can say or do that will prevent you from voting for him. So like why do you remind you sir that there is a cheeto in the White House.

Yes. A natural size a huge living cheeto occupying the Oval Office right now. So like I said she's devils. And again like why just from Biden's perspective like why the fuck would you pick Elizabeth Warren to you. She doesn't bring you in. He doesn't like her. She doesn't like.

She doesn't like they don't like each other. He doesn't like her. She's pretending to like him. She doesn't bring them anything electorally. They don't really trust her because of the whole fight over the consumer finance bullshit. Yeah. Pick somebody who you don't have to worry about and who you actually maybe can get along with better.

And like I said if she doesn't do nothing and if she and if he doesn't pick Elizabeth Warren I will be eagerly awaiting Medi's next column about you know what a brilliant choice Meg Whitmore was or something like that. On November let's win there. Yeah. And then I even says in the piece like what she's bringing to the table is like her plans and college educated white women who were probably the most reliable Democratic Party voting block in the universe.

Yes. Yes. That's their quadrant. Anyway. Well that that that wraps it up for today gang. Yeah. Happy 420 again. I'm a roll of fatty and just I don't know just like how you blaze it up baby.

I'm a blaze it up. I'm a blaze it up. I'm going to turn up that Bob Marley loud and watch legend classic album. Yeah. And I'm going to watch fucking pine. Yeah. Pineapple Express tonight boys. Let's go.

Yeah. That's the funniest movie ever. They smoke so much weed. Yeah. Yeah. So obviously this is airing after 420 but like if you're listening I hope you had a great 420. I hope you had the best drunk driving of your life.

Peace. Let's legalize it. Legalize it. Drunk driving. All right guys. Any plugs. I can't think of any. I mean we got nothing going on.

I would say if you haven't already will include the link. The Teamsters are fundraising to organize so that they can actually be safe at work. It's a really important campaign. I know a lot of people are asking for relief right now but this is sort of a different this is sort of a different use of your money. It's not charity. It's not to buy them PPE. It's funds for organizing.

So it's an investment and a campaign. You know and they've got they've got some very serious elections coming up. Central workers man. All right. This is watch this space. If you haven't listened to Amber's bonus interview with the Teamsters please do that already. I like to say it was a really complicated zoom call.

They were so loud. A lot of yelling Matt may be a UPS worker from Rhode Island. It's a great interview. You know we support the Teamsters or at least a certain slate in this upcoming election but if you are the Teamster and you support Charpo please please send us one of those awesome like oh God city jackets. Like monogram name will Matt Amber feel like the black and gold the black and gold glorious Teamsters.

Oh we're not even stealing valor. Like we were valor adjacent to the Teamsters. Nowhere to go but up but up solidarity. It's like being an honorary professor or something. Yeah. Yeah. It's like being a teacher's pet. But for the Teamsters Union.

What if what if I promise not to wear it out. What if I promise just to sort of wear it in my apartment. I just keep it in my house. Yeah. I'm not making any promises. What if I only wear it when drunk. All right gang. Till next time.

Bye bye.