Chapo Trap House - 420 - White Lines feat. Stavros Halkias (5/18/20)

Episode Date: May 19, 2020

Fan-favorite Stavvy Baby returns to answer pressing advice questions from (other people’s) mail bags. We then look at Nebraska senator Ben Sasse’s dismal commencement speech to divine the future of the Republican party. Check out Stavvy Solves Your Problems Friday nights on www.twitch.tv/stavvybaby or catch up on YouTube here: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC7bouvhSTd2RQwYOi7zq0hQ The Trumpified Independence Day video Will & Matt reference in this: https://twitter.com/mad_liberals/status/1250126745426169857

I If you are a member of the NYPD fucking use the Coriolis effect to snipe me through my window is the age fucking kill my shit right fucking now I want to fucking die shit oh hello hello everybody um maybe you're wishing you were dead as well maybe you want to be just bones in the cold ground but you know so do we we're here for you I want to be a I want to be one of those skeletons who dances with other skeletons yeah I want to be like one of the skeletons that hooks up with Betty Boop oh that's pretty tight that's pretty tight yeah how come every idea say a couple looks like this well as you may have as you may have gleaned from

that telltale that telltale laugh we're joined by fan favorite it's stavey baby stop what's going on thanks for having me stop I had to get you back because for today's show I wanted to take some time to answer some some advice like letters and obviously not letters that we've solicited but that have been already answered by Slate's how to do it and dear pretty advice columns we've done this before in the past but you know like there's a there's a sort of a new crop of you know quarantine related madness and people's relationships and they need help they need help but they they shouldn't get help from the people who write for Slate who give you know terrible advice that just always build down to like

maybe you should see a therapist or like oh it's the boyfriend's fault you know so we need a qualified it never is real quick it's never the boyfriend's fault we have a we want to have a qualified problem solver and it's stavey and you know you've you've branched out a little bit recently into the you know sort of agony aunt advice column guy thing that's right Billy um I am I am an expert because I have over five twitch shows that I've done where I have given people advice mostly about how to try and get pussy in quarantine so I have a show every Friday at six o'clock on twitch Stavey solves your problems and then I put up on YouTube too and basically people just leave voicemails and I answer

whatever problems they have I use my expertise as a fat bald toothless man with roommates in his thirties if you needed that perspective in your life I'm here for you bitch so I'm I can't wait I don't know what the fuck dear prudence is I don't know what the fuck it's that I don't know what how to do it is it's it's yeah stop yeah stop it's like an advice column where like forty three year olds who just had their first newborn right into someone else who's also exactly like that okay I see they're like I believe that my cousin has imposter syndrome from doing the Peace Corps but he's trying to compensate for this by giving me too much advice on how to get my my son Thelonious Monk then my whiteless name into a fucking

Montessori preschool how do I do this how do I do this without ruining our trip to Denmark I understand I love that well this is good because these people very rarely come into contact with a man such as myself oh no so I would love to take a blue collar pussy like desiring pussy pussy getting perspective to these kinds of sexless questions well it's not it's not you see you say that but the first question the first letter that I have that we're gonna kick things off or is I would not say it's it's sexless I mean I wouldn't say it's sexless there's definitely sex going on here but it's it's a very let's just read the letter let's just just dive into this so this is a dear how to do it I'm a woman

in my fifties until three years ago I lived my life with a general aversion to illicit drugs and alcohol and set and a sex life that wasn't exciting let alone enjoyable three years ago my ex-husband left me and I began using illicit drugs recreationally as my life spot quote spiraled out of control or so my family described it I was I was nuts I like miss book club I sure could replace your dog shit I did so much salvia I forgot how goat cheese taste it would be so funny if this woman was doing K2 yeah I would love it if she was out there doing spice and crocodile just getting fucked up eating fucking homeless guys asses and shit really was going crazy she went from being like the vice president

of a fucking small like accounting firm to just absolutely downhill sucking people off in BP bathrooms unfortunately yeah probably was just some lame shit yeah it's just like a spiral out of control or so my family described it see again like if you had sought better advice I'd be like that's just called becoming cool being cool yeah that's awesome yeah getting stuffed for the first time in your life so she goes yeah although others were very judgmental of my behavior during that period I personally found it incredibly liberating I was able to safely discover things about myself that were important to me and I really valued having the sense of freedom that came with it particularly when it came to sexual expressiveness during

that time I discovered aspects of my sexuality and fantasies I hadn't previously recognized a few months ago I started a more stable relationship with a man Boris who was understanding of my past and supportive respecting that Boris seemed disinclined towards my safe drug and alcohol use I stopped that behavior however secretly I've continued to long for my past alcohol and drug use because of the sexual liberate liberation it gave me and secretly I've started indulging in one of my fantasies I keep Boris's ejaculate in my mouth discreetly spit it into a kitchen glass then usually the next morning I use the dehydrator and spice grinder to dry and to dry and grind his semen into a fine powder I later I later

ingest the semen dust using a straw to snort it I realized I realized this is strange but I was sorry fuck okay finish will oh my god he's like fucking Tony Montana at the end of Scarface but with a pile of cum dust she I fucking love okay I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna put I'm a pause real quick and I'm just say like just if first advice right off the bat it's always better to smoke come rock than snort come dust you don't want to be like Felix says you don't want to be the Tony Montana of come you want to be the Alfred Molina at the end of boogie nights of well I actually I actually inject the cum in between my toes you know like everyone like everyone's been to a party where people

are passing around precom and smoking that's when I get out of there I gotta leave that's my rule once the dust hits the fan dude I'm out of there so okay here's the actual like a question part of it she goes I realized this is strange but I was previously I was previously curious about semen and seemed to have happily found my own sexual placebo and it has made me far more sexually expressive and confident in myself when I do it right before sex is there anything wrong with this practice should I tell Boris perhaps more important are there healthier alternatives to drugs and alcohol or placebos to enhance sexual confidence so I you know where to begin with this one one is is this I just like

she does a line of come dust and like pretends it's coke before having sex to like get in the mindset to be like sort of sexually liberated and confident yeah this is fucked up dude this is this is what happens when nerds fuck for the first time yeah you know what I mean she's 50 years old she has never gotten her pussy eaten until like some Russian maintenance man dating started started he came in to fix a event and he fucking ate her pussy and she's like he's now he's my boyfriend this is the woman that's never fucked ever in her life also you understand you understand how fucking what a nerd move this is this this bitch found she has the soylent of fucking she took all the joy out of sex she powdered his cum bit

it was in your mouth you had it you had come in your mouth what are you putting up your fucking nose for you got you got the cool part of cum that's how you get it you don't fucking imagine if I fucking grilled up a burger just a juicy delicious burger and I did all the work to just have and I had a burger in my mouth and then I spit it out and let it dry out overnight and fucking snorted fucking bacon cheeseburger dust the next day that's someone who does it if you love if you love cum enjoy the you did all the work you dumb bitch eat it at the time I don't know what the fuck to tell you you had to fucking go do a science experiment to like cum more oh my I'm fucking pissed also the spa I'm sorry

give me a I'm sorry to just I saw here go off go off go ahead a spice grinder imagine some motherfucking imagine some motherfucking try to make fresh coriander trying to fucking try to make a chicken breast and he's got jizz on her fucking son he's trying to go fucking paleo put a bunch of fresh herbs on his chicken breast now he's eating Boris's cum he's getting a Boris cum stir fry oh so think about being around this woman during allergy season oh imagine you're on the train and this bitch sniffs some pollen and now you just got a facial from a boyfriend because you're sitting underneath her I want to I'm gonna be a debate show because we're like that I hate to admit this but like the people who write to dear

prudence they're more from them like you know my socio-economic back they're like so I'm gonna be defending these I don't want to but I believe like I don't think like I want to defend them but they have the right to be defended okay I think of myself yeah yeah exactly comes so I'm not gonna go into how convoluted it is like it is like she clearly just wants to blow again yeah yeah but it's like there's so many other things you could do to simulate blow there's so like literally anything else like literally just cold calling people out of the phone book to get more cocaine what she's fucking doing yeah but okay so I think yeah she clearly had like a very dull life like she the most exciting thing that

probably happened to her before like her like doing what Ethan hawk did to himself in Gadica but with Boris's calm it was like you know there was a book party where they had too much lemon cello yeah for sure yeah but this is I think it's like generally harmless like if I found out that someone was doing this with my calm I don't think I would feel like violated it'd be like well that's like a weird thing to do with like oh first of all I don't give a fuck what you do with my cums if you get it out of my balls make jewelry out of it I don't you've done the work it doesn't matter as far as Boris is concerned he doesn't fucking care dude first of all discreetly you think Boris doesn't see her spitting out his

jizz into a fucking cup on the nightstand every night she does this every day you think he doesn't know it's going somewhere that's what I love that she thinks this is a secret well but I just what's the point it's just like a nerd way to fucking consume jizz that's my issue with it stop doing it it's too much work you're fucking up all the you're fucking up the spice grinder yeah I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna take a stab at like actually trying to give give her advice here and like the number one advice would be like invent a time machine and go back 30 years and like lead a more interesting life start doing drugs earlier at like a normal time when people experiment with that shit and you know now

if you're if you're looking to get that high just just do drugs again yeah just just do drug it's okay you're 50 it doesn't matter you're past the point where it fucking matters like you know you're not gonna you're not gonna fuck up your life too terribly and however I'm sure I can imagine Boris you know like most guys like he said stuff once once the comb gets out of the balls it's sort of like you know it's going God you know whatever that's the world yeah yeah however I went I said you know should I tell him I mean it's like it's sort of weird like I feel like the cat's kind of already out of the bag because it's hard to imagine him you know nutting in her mouth and she's like roll a little

and then just like goes to the bathroom and comes back you know but you know there's you know lots of like very cloudy glasses all over the house but I would say I you know really if it hasn't been broached yet in the relationship take this to your grave do not tell Boris because you know because of stuff I'm now imagining him as like a Russian handyman and I can imagine as a guy like that getting very upset that you're stealing his comb and using it to make magic powder did you give it to any juice did you give my come to juice clear Boris is clearly from one of those cultures where he believes that if you take the comb out of his body you can make a tulpa of him and harm him spiritually yeah keep him out

of Russian heaven which is a big radio shack with all the electronics from 1998 they love well yeah like he could subscribe to the theory that like when you nut it's like the sperm or just tiny homunculi and that she's killing them and like you know for some truth yeah I gotta say my son's freezing common and grinding it up does sound like some Baba Yaga shit that's you like you would only do that in a house where it's the bottom half is made out of chicken legs if you if you yeah if you put if you put a thin circle of your own powdered come around your shack it protects you from gypsies for an entire harvest I just I would I would I would caution her against and like you know unless unless this is you

know has to be brought enough I would I would caution against bringing it up because you know like you could get into a bigger argument about you know the creation of some sort of sperm golem you know and I just think like look if he's not bothered by it and you can do it like semi-privately like look it's weird it is strange but it's not like you know I'm not I would not tell this woman to cease and desist immediately if this is what you're happy I would just suggest that you just go back to doing cocaine or ketamine or something for sure and here's where I'll say if you must powder and consume the come why up your nose like it's not good for you and boot it put it up your ass if you're

gonna do anything and buy for the love of God by another spice grinder that is the one piece of advice I have to stress buy a second one for come so you can have fucking barbecues without everybody tasting your boyfriend's calm I was laughing about the idea of her like her like son or step son coming in and he's like 15 and he thinks it's like a weed grinder he's like bro there's so much Keith in here they're rolling a joint with fucking God rolling a joint with just the dry powder he like yo yeah we're about to we're about to fucking go through the stargate right now and like and then like all his friends they're like yo oh my god like Trevor's got Trevor's got that fucking like that that kill shit

you know I'm like he's just he just keeps going back to the spice scraping out the spice grinder and giving it to his friends and shit there's a lot of knock on consequences of doing this you know you know maybe just have like a separate spice grinder for the come or if you want to be a little bit more sort of roots a little bit more crunchy authentic just have a nice little mortar and pestle yes absolutely dude but again again you have to have a second one from guacamole god forbid dude okay but I love it well yeah that problem well solved all right I think we saw here's the second one is not quite as outrageous a dealer yeah yeah I just get so nervous when I go to the cum dispensary your name's on a list

you know I just rather do it the old-fashioned way yeah I like I'm just afraid about lying to my doctor to get to come you know what though I mean like I feel a little weird about going to a cum dispensary as well but it does sort of like it takes away the awkward situation of having to hang out with your cum dealer before he gives you the cum in your mouth you have to play video games with them well listen I just don't feel comfortable until we get every gay guy out of jail for selling cum in the 80s I just don't feel comfortable going to a dispensary it's all straight guys making all the money from the cum dispensaries now you know oh well you know I just like the true hero of this letter is that the unsung

hero is Boris Boris rocks look at in the mirror looking at the plug I don't get I don't even know how my plug cum all right here's the next one this one isn't quite as outrageous but it's pretty amazing and this is it this is from the classic pretty section so this is like an old classic listen to check this one out for the past three years I've worked it for a small business with only one other employee my boss the business owner has a serious mental health has serious mental health issues it has made the job extremely challenging at times she has picked on me occasionally in the past but has currently turned her focus on my co-worker we work in a private office suite and no one has access to it but the

three of us our boss has our own bathroom off her office and the other employees and I share a separate bathroom while I was on vacation last month our boss twice came into the employee bathroom and pooped in the shower which no one uses my co-worker discovered it after noticing a strange smell and finally opening the shower my co-worker was so mortified and afraid of our boss that she didn't say anything the poop stayed until the cleaning lady came in later in the week the following week it happened again this time my co-worker mentioned the strange smell to our boss who told her she was imagining it my co-worker was then too scared to say anything else since my co-worker started working at the office

my boss had been behaving more bizarrely she has started leaving her own bathroom door open whenever she uses it we can hear it and see her if we walk by this is shocking bullying but I don't want to quit because I am way more in because I'm making way more in this position than I will get elsewhere and I have flexible hours is this a sign of dangerous mental illness should I flee my co-workers already put in her notice yes obviously dude this lady needs to fucking rewatch the Michael Jordan documentary dude that's the way yes what happens when you're around greatness leaders it's different leadership goes different ways man and if you want to be a part of this team you're gonna have to deal with a little

watching a an old lady shit herself when you walk by to get your your lunch this is like yeah no this is like the girl boss shit I can get behind like this is awesome this is awesome like I don't know what the fuck this company does I'm imagining it just like a trinket shop yeah that's what I'm imagining it is but like it's like I don't know like there are a bunch of every great genius right history was an eccentric and this woman's like weird poop obsession I don't know where it came from I don't know if it was recent I do like that she said I want to pick out that she said she started acting more insane when the co-worker came like she was normal and then this other one started working there

and she's like alright I like I have to like impress this woman I'm gonna do some really crazy stuff with my poop I'm really gonna explore my pooping abilities and where I put it and how I do it but I really don't think it's a big deal like you're getting and her hours are flexible like you can get fulfillment outside of work listen you just stack your paper like this is rich had poor dad shit sure stack the money you're making get your own house and then it's like well you could poop with rules you could poop with door close no piece of feces will ever touch the shower yeah that's for your own life that's where you get fulfillment Americans are obsessed with getting fulfillment from their job where

they think everyone has to follow their poop rules no no it's not about that I like I like what you're saying and I think on some level that's correct you got to do the fucking math you got to fucking how much am I how much more am I making than I would in a place where my boss wouldn't shit in the shower versus how what's the mental cost right there's a little bit of that but also I think this there's a really great opportunity because the bosses is denying this right yeah what you can do you fucking put a little secret camera in that bathroom now you got video of your boss shitting you know and they can't be mad because it doesn't exist as far as she's yes yes now yes now you sell that you

flip that you sell that to a fetish website so that's a Chuck Berry Industries yeah yeah you contact the estate of Chuck Berry and you say we have something that the ghost get a fucking Ouija board quick we got something your dad might be interested in and then you see how many ghost dollars that tape of that lady shitting no I stop this is exactly where mine was going on this it is about a cost-benefit analysis of like how much for good paying flexible hours how much shit in the office bathroom can you put up with right right but like here is the thing I picked up on the fact that the co-worker left the shit in the shower and made the cleaning lady take care of the shit in their shower like a week later that's unbelievable

do not so like if shit in the shower is the problem the drain is right there just get a good hot like good hot like stream going aim it like like sort of like angle the nozzle downward on the shit pile and it with the shit will disperse it will liquefy and go down the drain eventually but the steam the proliferates will be very shit infused shit so you're Mike you're Mike you're Mike when I like avoid the bathroom for that part of the day um so yeah please please do not make the cleaning lady just sort of like like you know like with the heel of her shoe like just sort of like press a mound of shit down down a shower drain okay don't do that just turn the water on but as you said so at least

soften it up for soften it up very least off yeah maybe just use common like sort of office supplies to make a little like shovel scoop it up and then put it in your bosses like work trash you know so to do the passive aggressive thing every time your boss shits in your shower pile up the shit outside of her door and just be like okay well like you said stop the shit's not there no shit there's no shit in the shower as you sit the shit that's the Chicago way yeah I mean like there's a way you can escalate this so that there will be shit everywhere but but officially nobody notices it nobody can say anything nobody can say anything and you know what it's like shitting in the office is one of the only pleasures that having an

office job affords you true so that's true you know taking that's the most fucked up part of this that she took away the fucking the beauty of shitting in your own bathroom now you gotta be now it's always fucking smelling like her shit I mean it's brutal to have a fucking a lunatic like this but there's no reasoning with them you have to beat them at their own game or you have to quit what are you made of are you willing to fucking take videos of her are you willing to fucking are you willing to get the turds and put them in her in her fucking trash can are you just gonna have to go get a fucking job at an Amazon warehouse yeah yeah this is a challenge this is a call to adventure this is this is a call

to find your like your inner grit like how far are you willing to go to battle the shitting woman I mean or talking to her while she's shitting yeah I mean she's in there shitting be like what's up this woman is telling you to your face you didn't smell the shit that I left at that shower she is ready to fight a mental war with you they could destroy the earth and you should be willing to fight her on it I mean this is this is like when John Rambo said I'll give you people a war you won't fucking believe this is first blood you know the boss has drew first blood so anything that you do in retaliation is okay it's okay so I cover yourself with shit like go home go home to your husband or boyfriend

or whatever steal some of their comb have them donate some of their co recent dehydrated grind it up into powder and then give it to your boss is like oh here's some here's here's it here's some new this is a new work drug that'll help you here's a salve yeah exactly so yeah like you could just just up the ante with various bodily fluids mm-hmm all right that one ready for the shit war yeah that one is solved problem solved all right another problem in her purse all right so like the next couple are sort of like a quarantine related relationship problems you know a lot of people are you know they're isolated they're bored they're trapped together with you know a partner and sometimes that can you know reveal

hidden fissures so this question is along those lines since we've been isolated together I have noticed that my husband seems to be obsessed with watching videos on his phone on the weekends he will watch for eight or nine hours and during and during the week maybe five or six hours he would likely watch more if you were not working they're just quick little snippets I cannot have a conversation with him because he's listening to the sound when we try to watch things together he puts one earphone in his ear and says he's still listening but he's not and he snaps at me when I try to speak to him he's loudly he loudly reacts to things he is seeing we have little to no communication because he's obsessed

with these videos I have spoken with him on many occasions but he says it's no big deal and ignores my request what can I do wait a minute wait a minute is this is this sponsored advertising for quibi and they're so enrapturing what's going to happen and Chrissy's court what about the gang down at the station at 901 to Hawaii Avenue I just I feel like this little redder needed to provide more details before I can counsel her on how to deal with this problem because it seems like her husband is watching eight to nine hours of tiktoks a day yeah and like if no your husband your husband is cheating on me there's no other way around this what do you mean he watches videos so every moment of the day he can't

talk to you that's not a fucking real issue some of this fucked up is going on like I don't understand he just ignores you he this man hates you yeah he's corresponding with his mistress or you know maybe boy that he's seeing I don't know there's something fucked up going on that's such an amazing bit of a self delusion where yeah hey you know the guy I live with and presumably love won't talk to me or look me in the eye or engage with me in any way without hostility it must be those day short videos he just loves videos oh he loves viral content he just loves the he loves foul uncle and foul army he would be he would be listening to me and he would be my like perfect partner if it wasn't for

foul if it wasn't yeah I don't know if our anniversary hadn't fallen on fail Friday I think we actually could have got this also another possibility is that this man could be in the middle of some kind of big or freaky Friday body switch with like a teenager so maybe somewhere there's like a 13 year old with a bull cut who's trying to get his wife's attention and like flowers and stuff but there's just there's he's just over there watching Minecraft videos all day and ignoring his wife that's trying to have sex with that's a real possibility wife is like which case I would say find a witch or like some kind of warlock or some kind of witch like again talk to Boris yeah well I mean once again

with this it's like yeah the videos are not the problem it's just the fact that your husband can't bear to fucking like yeah speak to you but again I need to know what these videos are it sounds like he's just watching tiktoks and Instagram stories and chuckling to himself for eight or nine hours a day on a weekend which is you know a little weird for anyone to be doing but like you said you know if divorce is out of the question because you have nowhere to move at the moment I would say that this is another one to just like you know test the limits push back in your own way by getting really into like twitch streams or something mmm yes yeah it's all about retaliation streamer and then get really

into their life mail them gressants yeah yeah I mean just honestly and also here's the thing here's an uncomfortable thing is it possible this woman is that annoying you know it's a real possibility that I don't know man like you know how you're just like stuck with somebody and you try and talk them for like five minutes and then like you just kind of slowly reach for your phone until the elevator opens what if this what if quarantine is this for this man he's just treating that he's just gonna wait out come conversing with this woman that he lives with until the stay at home order is lifted and he's just gonna keep killing con I gotta grind out this time and then I'm never seeing this person again that's what

it sounds like it sounds like which is respect to that thinking you could just wait out four months potentially I'm waiting out four months and nine seconds at a time on my phone there's another possibility though will you sit tiktoks right yeah yeah do you think this is like one of those guys who post like videos of like like communist tiktoks is like the kids all right oh god 17 year old girl yeah he's searching for 16 year old girls talking about guillotines to just be like gentlemen we I think we must up our game like you know in which case they're a bigger problem and he's like he's like he's like he's on there immediately but like yeah Mark's is pretty cool but if you've ever read angles yeah yes yes I mean

he's possibly like addicted to the metrics and some other things yeah yep probably I think we can all agree probably a pedophile I mean your options are a pedophile or hates you and the answer for both the answer for both of the people in this relationship is to get out of this relationship yeah no it's over is there any more info do they smash Gary Mediocre missionary pipe and you just hear like if you're watching fail army videos set to music. Yeah. Yeah, one of those fucking, one of those videos that has a paragraph of writing in it. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Yeah, he finally, she finally gets me to talk and he's like, you know, Mandy, right now you're literally being

garbage. You're being literally a garbage person. Let me, let me put normal. Oh, so my what, so my wife thinks it's a problem that I've found stuff I enjoy. Normal world. My wife's really having a normal one. Let me put my, let me put my advice to both the letter writer and their partner in terms that the partner can understand. Is this relationship salvageable? Nope. Should you get a divorce? Yep. Hey, like Morris, he said, I know it's over. All right. Here's another one that's a, that's a sort of a quarantine related relationship problem. So this one says nice. My partner of nine months, Lisa is extremely close with her extended

family, much closer than I am with mine. Lisa's family has been doing huge family calls via zoom for the past six weeks, ever since our area instituted shelter in place orders. Lisa and I live together. I've joined these calls nearly every week and I find them exhausting. I feel like I'm performing cheerfulness and positivity. I don't have much in common with Lisa's family and I can't find much to be positive about in the midst of a pandemic. Meanwhile, my friend group has been having zoom calls, which Lisa has been joining about once a week. I want to scale back my involvement in Lisa's family calls, but I don't really have any

excuse beyond I just don't enjoy them. I don't, I don't have anywhere to be or anything else to do. We're all stuck inside for the foreseeable future. We live in a small studio, so I'd be still exposed to the calls. And I want Lisa to continue joining my friends group calls because it's important to me that my friends get to know her. I see a future with her. Is it unreasonable to ask Lisa if I can stop joining her family zooms yet still have her join my friend zooms? What do I do during the family zoom when I'm still in the room? What about when her family asks about me, which they do whenever I don't join? I

started dreading these every week and I don't want to tell her that. I just don't like her family very much. Okay, so this guy this call or this this fucking this question comes from the guy from the last question, but 10 years ago. This is when they started dating. Yeah, this is such a fucking insane thing to want. It's like you live in a studio. Your dumbass is the one who jumped on every fucking call. You set the fucking precedent dumbass. You're stuck. The only way out of this is to fake some kind of you got to start crying on the next one and you got to fucking pretend like it reminds you of a dead relative or something and you

got to be like it's so beautiful what you guys share but it hurts and I'm away from my family. You got to find some fucking sob story and you got to George Costanza your way out. There's no other way. There's no other way. So when I was reading this one I was actually reading into the letter writer so maybe low-key problematic thoughts and behaviors because when she said like you know Lisa is very into her family and extended family and they have big rock-a-zoom calls I was thinking that it was a big fat Greek family and then it was some sort of like like like ethnic like very tightly knit like ethnic

extended family and then like you know Brad or whoever some boring zero gets on the call and just has nothing to say he's he can't exude enthusiasm and lust for life because that's been beaten out of him as a presumably a wasp or some sort of some sort of process. Yeah exactly and you know it's and I also I also love the idea that like the family zoom calls could be coming on and they're like they're they're playing traditional music they're dancing they're screaming at each other. Let me stop you right there Will there is no way a foreign family is spending that much time on a fucking zoom. Especially not the

dads. We're getting one weird we're doing one we're like yeah everything's fucking oh it's so awesome and then there's none of that there's there'll be like a video chat every week but this is guarantee you this is some fucking like zoom calls like last every week is is truly some like Connecticut type you know what I mean it's yeah I mean it's absolutely that's a male ass shit okay okay I'm feeling targeted. What if your family does two or three. What about this one though is I love the I love the I love the specter of him getting out of doing the family zoom calls but there is some tiny shitty studio apartment where he's

still besieged by the by the sound of a family loving each other. Like bro you're trapped you dumb bitch what I don't get this you're just gonna be what are you gonna be playing fucking fucking like your switch three feet away from her while you listen to all of this. This is the kind of show where you just gotta suck it up and be an adult. You have to do something you don't enjoy for a while. Once a week it's not that big a deal. I also think the most bitch-made thing to me about his about this comment as well he's just like I just can't feel like I just can't muster any cheerfulness during a pandemic. Shut up you're fine. What are you. Are you one of those grocery store workers who's like exposed to it every day and getting fucking screamed at for nine dollars an

hour or are you just like this annoying white guy who's like like the emotional labor of informing cheerfulness. It's like shut off man. I don't have enough spoons for that call I'm sorry. Yeah literally. What a fucking push. Shut the fuck up. I'm gonna make him do. I'm gonna make him do my family zoom calls which are a laugh ride by the way. I didn't know that was weird to do but we do a lot. No it's not weird it's the sign that you have a good family loves each other. Yeah it's true. Like a big. Okay. All right. Well if you. Okay. Fast and the Furious movies are about family. That's true. It's a bitch. So you're like I. So someone's coming from a sort of like my sort of more waspy family background. We do do multiple zoom calls a week. But we all get on the zoom and just nod curtly at each other and then log off immediately. We have what. Oh man. My zoom. I missed a few because I've been like had a tight recording schedule. This is us. But we're laughing. We're having a good old time. Love. Love. Love. Yeah. I'm sorry. And then this

coronavirus shit is no excuse to be a gloomy Gus. You know unless you're digging mass graves on Hearts Island or like a health care worker or an MTA employee or something like that. Like I do. I take this all back if you're a fucking poultry. Yeah. It's been exposed. No way. This lady's like OK. I don't give a fuck if all your closest friends at the plant died and you have fucking chicken gizzards all over your face. We are going to play quip lash with my family. That's your situation. If you're a fucking graphic designer or a podcaster like us which we know is not a fucking job. You got the fuck up and not a smile. By the way he talks like this. We're all stuck inside together. He's just assuming. Oh of course none of us have jobs that are necessary for the functioning of fucking anything. Best guy needs to spend at least a shift before he can beg off of a family zoom call. Small place to pay to be inside during a fucking deadly pandemic. Instead of out there dealing with the morons and the fucking

viruses. You got to work at least one shift trying to fend off the hordes of fucking ravenous fatties in front of fucking a red lobster. Like with one of the novelty or is from off the wall. And grab all the fucking fish. This guy is like he's like he just has one of those nondescript office jobs and he's treating himself like that's seen in American Sniper where Chris Kyle goes backstage and his wife calls him and she's like where are you. Are you are you home. And he's like yeah I just needed a minute. That's him for like baking graphics for I don't know fucking Viacom or some shit. All right stop. You know also there is no way this girl isn't much hotter than that's that's this is the this is the fucking coddled behavior of a man uglier than his girlfriend who's definitely because of because her family I guess I don't

know but her family loved. She doesn't understand that people can take advantage of you because her family loves each other. So she doesn't know that this fucking piece of shit doesn't care about her and will leave her for in 10 years he will be trying to fuck teenagers off tiktok. Yeah for sure. I wish I could talk to her. Get out. Absolutely. Yeah. Fuck this guy. I think people with tight families are often very street wise. Sounds like sounds like Lisa Lisa. If you're there get at your boy. I got I got some dust for you. Yeah. Add Stavi baby to on Instagram hit the DMs with the disappearing titty pick. All right. So we got time for one more one more advice. Yeah we can do a quick one. But yeah I do more. There's one more. OK dear Prudence my husband has an extremely obnoxious habit that I have spoken to him about several times over the past five years. He will pick at

his toenails while watching TV and then leave the remnant. I will periodically find large chunks of toenail clippings randomly on our couch coffee table and floor. It's not often but every few months I will find these lovely gifts. I have explained to him that is disturbing and gross. I have politely requested that he do this in the bathroom. My requests have gone unnoticed and been ignored. I feel disrespected and grossed out. I have begun to passively aggressively handle passively passive aggressively handle this by picking up the clippings whenever I find them and putting him putting them in his coffee cup in the mornings. I know this is wrong but I find some relief in making him discover his own toenail clippings in his coffee. What else can I do. How can I help him understand that this is not acceptable nor fair to me. Lady why are you seeking advice. You figured it out. You saw the problem.

But like I mean but OK. So let's just assume for the sake of argument that she is putting her husband's disgusting fucking toenail clippings in his coffee and he's just sipping it and they're like cutting his gums on his disgusting yellow just shards of his fucking feet in his mouth every morning. But then still does it. Just doesn't give a shit. Her husband is someone who just like cannot be phased. Like there's there's nothing you can do. He's he's just like he has no shame. He has no decency. He cannot be reason or negotiated with. What do you do that. Nothing man. You just fucking live life. Like you just enjoy that man's presence. Because that's the kind of that man probably honestly lays pipe. If he can't be bothered at all. He's all about mindfulness. He's always in the moment. So look maybe he's not he doesn't give a fuck about the toenails whatever but he's probably fucking he's proud. I think that's the kind of guy that

would fuck good. I think you're right. Yeah. Yeah. Because I will say listen with himself. Yeah he's completely confused with himself. Nothing can be phased. He knows what he likes and he's just going to go go out at 100 percent. Now I'll say that it is. Yeah you're going to have to up the ante if you're going to want to really deal with this. I don't think the coffee cup thing is good is enough. I think you're going to have to just you're going to have to show these have to come up more and more. You know I think she has to hurt him with his own make a knife with one in his dick hole. Maybe that's what it is. Oh yeah. You have to slowly start ratcheting it up. But I mean listen I'm somebody that will often leave a soccer to around. I like to fucking you just have to maybe he's a forgetful guy. Let's play Devil's Advocate here. But one toenail in the dick hole. It's all over. I promise you you're you're pussy footing around with this

thing. Yeah. We have another letter from somebody where somebody in their life is basically inviting them to a battle of wills. They're just not even picking up the signals. It's like this is my combat. Get to work. You know mount up for battle. I know. Or invest in a spice grinder. Yes. Yeah. Everything goes back to Boris. You don't even need to dehydrate toenail clippings. They're ready to be ground up and maybe even like get a good get a good roast on them before. You know a couple of 30 seconds and a little cast iron skillet will really bring out some of that flavor when you put it in there and put it in their coffee. Damn. Or just like here already that first lady. Yeah. Like yeah just like just just feed him his toenail clippings over like a very long period of time and document it and then like and then like like paralyze him and wake him up and like where his eyes are like duct tape open and show him like a like a

slideshow like Red Dragon and being like this is you eating your toenails. Do you see these are toenail dust going in your pee hole. Do you see. And we're like do what they did in Oz and sort of have shards of toenail in his food until it cuts up his internal organs and kills it. Yes. Like they did to that guy in Oz. A lot of good stuff. And also don't feel don't don't be afraid to look outside the box. It doesn't all have to be toenail you know related. You could cheat on it. Find one of his enemies. Exactly. Start leaving other men's toenail clippings around the house and see if he notices. He's like wait a second. These don't look like my toenails. A guy like this. By the way like this guy is an alpha. He definitely has enemies. If you stand for something in your life this guy does. Yes. Yes. Yes. He has enemies. So yeah. Yeah. Fuck those guys and clip their toenails. That'll show. Well stop. Thank you very much for

stopping by. I think we've solved all these people's problems. We've added like a perspective that is sorely sorely lacking from the entire advice giving genre which is always there's always women giving advice to other women and telling them that you know men are wrong. But like you know we say the guys are wrong. Like you can take that to the bank because it's credible. But you know 100 percent. We're not biased. We're not biased. We're just for handsome young money and pussy get us. That's true. And couldn't have been put a better way. And if and listen if you're listening at home and you want more of my personal wisdom without the fellas please check out Stavi solves your problems. I put it up on YouTube every Monday or Tuesday. We're still trying to figure that out but it goes live every Friday six o'clock on twitch twitch.tv slash Stavi baby. And this week we actually have a very interesting perspective. We have my good pal Ian

finance will be the guest. Excellent. Excellent. That'll be Ian is has led one of the most interesting times. Ian is half of the letter writers to dear Prudence actually. No I have watched and Stav you've gotten your your listeners have you sort some very good questions that like you know yeah. The show is the show is great. It's a true change of pace. I really love it. Thanks man. Appreciate it. Thank you boys. Unfortunately I do have to fucking take off but I have to go. I have to do my my basketball pot. All right. But it's hilarious. I feel like I work more during. Yeah. I'm doing it. I'm doing like three times as much podcasts. Yeah. Keeps it keeps the brain off everything else. Yeah. Well always enjoy Stavi baby. Please come back. Thanks for having me. Yes. We'll be back in a second. We'll be back in a second. All right. We are back and we've traded. We've we've traded Stav for an Amber. Hello. Hello. Amber is back and for the

second half of the show. Obviously this is a time of year that would normally be all about the grads. It's all about graduating high school and college and starting that next big exciting chapter of your life. And you know a staple of the grad experience in America is the celebrity commencement address. And now under quarantine it sort of opened up a new venue for anyone to do a commencement address because you don't even have to show up. You can just record a message that is played to high schoolers and like you know this is your you know like it's sort of a way to announce a certain infer a certain credibility and charm to yourself as a politician that you wouldn't otherwise get the chance to to flex really. And I you know I saw one this week that I wanted to share for a couple reasons. It's it's this is Nebraska Senator Ben Sass. He gave a graduation speech that it was you know that he shared with with the

grads of the nation. And I'm going to share it for you now because I've been doing some ghost writing you know under quarantine. And I guess it isn't really ghost writing if I'm admitting this but I'm flexing a little bit of my comedy writing skills you know I've been hired to do a few gigs. And I just wanted to share the what I wrote for one of my favorite politicians Nebraska Senator Ben Sass. So let's just let's just see how much of this we can take. Congratulations graduates. This is a big moment. Not I'm graduating high school. But I'm making the journey down the stairs from your bedroom to the living room and putting on something slightly more formal than sweatpants. Your grandparents are proud of you. We're all proud of you. It took a lot of effort. We want to recognize your sacrifice. Congratulations parents teachers and coaches. Not that there's really any meaningful distinction among those categories anymore at this point. If

you're a parent you're a teacher. Thanks a lot China. We're all teachers now. And let's be honest at the start of this. Pause it. Pause it. Pause it. Pause it. Pause it. Okay. All right. He's starting he's starting off real strong. I mean he's getting you on you know it's just you know if you have to give one of these addresses you know be a wedding a graduation a funeral always best to break the ice a little a little joke couple few little jokes to get the get the crowd on your side. So Ben Sass is beginning with hey oh I think thanks for putting on something other than a sweatpants you fucking slob. And then thanks China. He's just got it. He's just got to get that in as well because it's just like he can't just be um he's he's flexing his I'm the fun dad character that Ben Sass has been doing forever since he became a national political figure. But in the in the MAGA world he has to also be like I'm a I'm a I'm a hog as well. Yeah. I mean I'm a

feral hog who just has to like in a graduate commencement address get in that little dig at China. Like thanks China for making us live in our look at our kids all day long. All right. Keep it going. Visionary math teachers changing the world. But after about two weeks we all just decided to default into gym teachers. I'm kidding. My dad was a gym teacher. I'm serious. He used to teach English and social studies but he always aspired to get to gym so he didn't have to put on formal clothes every day and he could wear the same sort of sweats that most of your wearants in the bottom half down anyway. But anyway I know dad Jim is important if you're watching dad as if he's watching my children aren't at his house and like all grandparents there's no chance he can get zoomed to work without my children there to do it for him. Mom I'm going to do something here. Don't tell you this. This is so this is so

king of comedy. This is fucking terrible. This is very Rupert Pupkin. Well Rupert Pupkin is just how a joke. He can't even deliver anything. He just stumbles over everything. Yeah. He has like the pace of his delivery is just he gets too excited midway or not excited. He gets nervous like midway joke that no one's laughing. And so he's like got to rush it out. He has the delivery of a premature ejaculator. Yeah. That's what I was going for here. It's sort of like the cadence and rhythm with which he delivers these terrible jokes and little like tossed aside observations that are like he's reading off something and he's trying to make it seem like he's giving you stuff that's sort of off the cuff when he's like no no no no my dad was a gym teacher too. And he says here his dad was a gym teacher but not just a gym teacher. He was a social studies and English teacher too who decided to become a full time gym teacher just because he

wanted to wear sweatpants all the time. A fascinating anecdote from your childhood. Ben please keep please show me more please please let's hear more twice a week in real world life. Someone's going to ask you to climb a giant rope. No reason. Just climb the rope. Sure. Every now and then the rope is a metaphor but honestly most of the time it's just a big rope and you have to climb it. If you don't get that joke talk to your mom and dad back in the day when we were a lot fitter than why do they have a brain injury. Hey we should ask Ben's wife about pushing rope. Am I right. Let's go. Let's go. OK more Ben more sass. So gym teachers those of you who chose to do it as a calling and those of you who've been forced into it as a calling I salute you. So here we are. We're in your living room. I'm on a laptop. You're on a couch because 2020 is a heck of a year. I know I'm not supposed to say this but you're not missing out on that

much because honestly nobody and by nobody I mean nobody remembers anything about their high school graduation. In fact a lot of us spend a lot of our lives trying to forget as much about high schools we possibly can. You know what I mean. You remember sophomore year. You don't want those memories to be defining for you. And in fact there are a whole bunch of people who make a whole bunch of money by just trying to help other people forget high school. They're called psychologists. In fact 95 percent of all gainfully. All right. That's part one. I like that Ben is talking here like oh most people don't remember. Most people don't remember high school because it was so traumatic. And you know we all remember those kids in high school who doused the shy girl with pigs blood. Yeah that was me and my friends. We're keeping psychologists. We're keeping them and driving BMWs. This is really Blake. All right. It's very it's it's very

grim because it's like Ben Sass is like actual political program just like endless war and austerity and shit. It's like this is what it's for. Like this is the America that wants to protect. Yeah. Yeah. This fucking flaccid cock series of punchlines and boring stories and like Hockham fucking bullshit prairie charm that's identical to anywhere else in America. It's just white noise. Just purgatory. It's nothing. It's so depressing. It is. It is your shift manager Applebee's trying to like lighten things up during a meeting. Like this is why people can't go to the doctor. This is why like you we have traded any type of like national capability and dignity for like just buying cheap shit that breaks all the time. This is why everyone just wants to kill themselves because their job and has to work well past the time that they should. It's heard like this culture. It's really awful. No. This is awful. It's so guys like

yeah. So guys like Ben Sass can like get a little bit get a little bit goofy. And by that I mean roll up the sleeves on their Oxford shirt and just have a dumb vacuous smile as they shit out these just like the worst the worst attempts at humor are probably ever ever done by a human being. Yeah. Like like that. That's he's my least favorite type of conservative. The wedding crashers conservative because it's like if you look at their actual worldview it's as insane or apocalyptic as like Trump or Bush or anyone. It's like the same shit where it's like no we have to surround Iran with a military bit with military bases. The next century of our lives will be like contesting this shitty patch or she see against China forever. We'll fund endless proxy wars. We'll spend hundreds of billions of dollars a year on fucking surveillance destroying people civil liberties. We won't do anything for the precarity that

people live in. Every moment of people's lives will be just fucking fraud anxiety because we want it that way. Like hey this is just the world we live in. But their cultural affect is like a fat guy like looking at a picture of a fat guy at a speedo and going that's just wrong. Like that's what this everyone you're all sacrificing for this fucking cunt. And it's it's so like this is funny. Like I laughed and I like reposted this video because it's funny like how much he sucks. But it's also like now yeah we're living in this guy's world. Yeah. Yeah. He is he is he is he is the winner of American society. It's Ben Sasse and guys like him. And like to your point Felix like even in the in the middle of these like you know just just miserable attempt to be like folksy and humorous. He can't help but try to start World War three with China. Yeah. No I mean. Oh man. He's like he's just so fucking detestable. Let's I need

more. I need more. Give me more Sasse. In fact 95 percent of all gainfully employed psychologists and I'm serious there are dozens of them that are gainfully employed. Their job is really just to help people forget high school. And the other 5 percent they just research hamsters who got lost in mazes which come to think of it is a lot like high school and that's why we want to forget it. Those hamsters also need their own psychologists now. Here's what I'm trying to say. There will always be money to be made in psychology. Now that's a joke. Do not if you're headed to college do not major in psychology. Pause it for a second. So he's saying that they're rich because of how bad high school is or is he saying that they're all losers and they research hamsters for free. What the fuck is the structure of this joke. You fucking you went to college for like fucking 12 years you fucking cunt. You can't even

like structure one sentence that relates to the last thing you said. You have the familiarity with English as like Google translate. God damn it. He directly contradicts the premise of his joke here. Yeah. Like I honestly I've never if you're a psychologist you make like seven hundred dollars an hour. I mean that's an exaggeration but like it's not a bad profession to seek out. It's like you know oh like a joke about being a philosophy major in college. It's an established profession and he seems to imply that like there's only a handful of them who are gainfully employed. It's just like no it's it's it's no no it's so that people could forget high school which everyone wants to do but only a few people pay other pay psychologists to help them do so that there are a few who are employed but not many because other ones are doing hamster research where they don't get paid. They're doing pro bono hamster. You're just in it for the

whole class. You're like what the fuck is he saying. I'll tell you what happened is that he won he started off with this bit about wow high school. Psychiatrists and then he realized oh wait a minute. No that's a soft science. That's not stem. My whole bit is how that's bad and you shouldn't do it. So I have to now throw that little bit of red meat out there the same way I did with the China thing. It's just maintaining his ideological bona fides. All right. All right. Let's keep it going. Saying nobody remembers their high school graduation except for you guys. You guys are going to be the first generation in human history to actually have your high school graduation seared into your memories. You're going to meet your class reunion in 25 or 30 years. I mean people 30 years out of high school are really old. By the way I graduated high school 30 years ago this month. So thanks for rubbing it in. You're going

to say he said it. I like the idea like I have multiple friends who are now like their teachers. So they're teaching from home like over video. And they're like first of all nothing is sticking because that's what school is. So you know though the ones that are able to say even like turn into their turn in their homework because they're a little bit older. Like there is no purchase for the information. It's just there. You know it just goes in one ear and out the other. And so like they all have this suspicion that basically when they look back on like what was your seventh grade year like it's just going to be like white static noise. It'll just be like this empty thing because the only they have no place for it. They have no geography for it that sets it because they were staring at a fucking screen. And that's not what school is. But like only like 5% of school is actually about

like meeting benchmarks. The rest of it is like teaching kids not to bite each other and like to work socially. And the idea that he thinks that this is going to be more memorable than having to actually like sit in a room full of other people where you're all wearing really stupid gowns. And you know at least one person is naked under theirs. An actual like event in a place. Like he's like this is actually more not like no they're going to look back on this and it's just going to be their memory will be white television static. Yeah here's another completely well there's two completely contradictory premises that he's done just in the last 10 seconds. One is getting mad at his audience for making him bring up the fact that he graduated high school 30 years ago which he set up himself. And then the other one is that high school is so bad that there's a whole sort of fraudulent

industry if people kept the float to help others forget high school. But you also will nobody remembers their high school graduation. You will even though you're staring at a screen and it's not an actual event that you're experiencing in a place because because you can't. All right give me more sass. More sass reunion service ceremonies. Remember that time that China started a big global pandemic that created the worst public health crisis in over a century and brought the economy to its knees. And we had to stay at home and everybody was hoarding toilet paper and we all watched this documentary about some weirdo dude who raised tigers. Yeah. It would be hard to forget that. So you guys have this silver lining. You're going to remember your high school graduation. Nobody else has ever remembered the high school graduation. You're going to remember it. You're

graduating in your living room and you're having a senator come and talk to you about some dude named Joe Exotic. That's probably what happened this last month because we haven't even started talking about murder hornets yet. Murder hornets. Now I know what you're thinking. It's not the murder hornets fall to have an insect grows up being called a murder hornet. You can't be surprised when they actually start ripping the heads off of honeybees. I get it. That's a pretty good point. We all sort of do grow. And by the way that's why everybody named Jeremy is the worst. Sorry Jeremy. Not my fault. Blame your mom and dad. Anyway the murder hornets they're in Washington state. But the murder hornets they don't even half as bad as the black hole in case you haven't noticed or if you haven't been reading and you should be because you got

time on your hands. Scientists just discovered a black hole that's four times the size of our son. And it's apparently in a system. OK. That black hole I discovered is this commencement speech. That's with science. It is obliterating light gravity and meaning itself when you encounter it. OK. So what is this like late night monologue style. I mean like all commencement speakers are stupid cancel all of them anyway. Someone is always offended by whoever it's going to be. It's a stupid thing anyway. Just have the principle or someone from the school. Don't do celebrity commencement. It's dumb. But like this actual style of like he's doing a late night monologue. Granted it's written by like a you know by like a bed right here. Yes. This is not even like you know reach for your dreams you're going to get

through this which is at least the standard for commencement speeches. OK. No like it's back to Felix's point what is so grim and horrifying about this commencement speech is the mix of like I said the fact that he is using it to shit on the humanities a stump for global conflict with China because they caused this fucking virus to happen which is hurting our economy because like that's the worst thing imaginable in his mind. But it's the contrast of that with the absolute like soy quality bands the absolute soy bands that he's coming up with. They're just the easiest like little droppings that come out of the BuzzFeed sphincter of like Joe Exotic. But you murder hornet about this one. So he's like really tilting against China in this. But it's like I've never

wanted to be invaded by China for now. Like I want Chinese. I want the People's Army storming through the streets taking down every American like anything to replace this culture. Like I've never been more pro invasion. I would be I would be a Vichy American. This is so fucking dire. Well and it's like at least American decadence at points in our history has been something other than banal. You know. Yeah. Like it was like whatever you have like psycho Rockefellers and people just you know Kennedys were just throwing bodies away. Like it was like it wasn't this. It wasn't this banal miserable boring lowest common denominator thing. Where every where your greatest dream even if you're a senator who wants to be president what you really wanted

to be is Jay Leno the way that Brian Williams I really wanted to be Jay Leno. Like that is the greatest thing. You could be a fucking dumbass joke Smith on late night television because that's what like their brains connect to as as authority and meaning. That's that's what they're all seeking to be secretly. Yeah. Like this guy like Ben Sass is any of his historical equivalents in the conservative movement. They were like freaks who have been tapped into secret societies. This time they were in high school and like worship Moloch and they see the owl when they close their eyes. All they do is jack off at Bohemian Grove. They're just constantly working in the furtherment of evil. But the other like their entire cultural intake was like reading

books written by Roman pedophiles from 4,000 years ago. But this is like it's the same evil but just you know like yeah very Buzzfeed level very like yeah. I think Carol Baskins kind of has issues and it's like more insulting because it shows that like these people are putting way less effort into it than they used to. This cultural moment is so it makes everything feel so bad because the material conditions are still awful and insulting and dehumanizing. But the culture that is produced in its behest is completely unmemorable. Everything about this speech is actually sort of genius the way because it shows how ephemeral everything from this time is. We're not going to remember any of this. Anything from the last 15 years of the president was not going to

be memorable at all. White stuff. The worst culture America or any advanced civilization has ever produced. And you know what's funny about this and just sassed as a character I remember we read from his equally atrocious book when Brian Gar I think was a guest that episode. I've really always like I hate this guy like he is he is repellent to me in a way that like few people are because of precisely that that mix of truly evil politics with this like folksy dad like exterior or just this this veneer of niceness. But what I think is so funny about it is how out of place in our sort of political moment it feels because sass's whole thing was that he was the guy who didn't vote for Trump. Yeah. And then his of course since then like you know crawled back in

just like a beat dog. But like it's passed him by. He's never going to be president. He's never going to have another moment again. Then the moment that happened right before the presidential election when he held himself out as like the nice guy. Turns out nobody had any interest in that at all. He took a gamble like he I you know it was definitely totally cynical. Like I'm pretty sure of that. I don't think I think most of these people don't believe in anything. But they're like hey what if I use this moment to distinguish myself. And then you know and then teacher you know notice me because I'll be the guy that did the precocious thing of breaking with the party and they will admire my individuality and and you know my resourcefulness and my creativity and

it's like no you idiot. Like the entire like efficacy of the Republican party is based on the fact that they actually do have something called party discipline. Yeah. And also like his his attempts to be wacky and personable are just like I said it's so sweaty. And Trump Trump he can land a zinger. Oh yeah. He has an effortless call. He knows about he has the timing to like to pull one off and he can do it off the top of his head too in a way that's like not obviously scripted. And in fact most of the time isn't scripted. And that's kind of kind of his genius. But like here's here's what we're talking about this earlier about like how there's a moment when like sass was going to be like the next big thing. And then since then it's like oh you know like the next big thing is going

to be like Tom Cotton or Josh Howley or those guys. And here's the thing if you want a vision of who has a future in the Republican Party it's this and this alone. If their heads were digitally added to the crowd scene from the Independence Day speech that Trump has just superimposed his own head on. If they're in the crowd watching Trump give Bill Pullman speech from Independence Day that you've got a future. Yes. If you're not in that crowd you're on the outside looking in and you will never get your pencil next to that cherry. And who is it who is in the crowd cheering Trump give the Independence Day speech. It was Dinesh D'Souza, Benny Johnson, Dan Bongino, Dan Bongino, Don Jr, Maddie Gatz and like who you remember anyone else from that video.

But it was it was that tear of fucking clown car. That's who they trust. The absolute dumbest shitheads imaginable and crucially who are all in their public personas enormous press. Like hugely grating mean rude ass service. They're owning the limbs by doing that. Yeah. So Matt you said it. Don Jr has way more shot of being the next Republican president than Ben Shass from Cotton or Josh Howley. Because like for a while I was like oh you know Cotton and Howley like they're you know they've seen the turn into this kind of like blood and soil nationalism and they're going to like give you like the smart version of like authoritarian nationalism that Trump's too lazy and dumb to pull off. But I'm sort of like relieved in knowing the fact that

like the huge hurdle for both of those guys is that they're incredibly unappealing dorks. They're fucking nerds. Yeah. Yeah. The future. You can't be Trump if you're not swaggy. You have to be swaggy. I'm looking at that video right now and I'm pretty sure Count Carpe Donkton is on here. I love. Carpe Donkton has a better chance of being president than Ben Stass also. At least the cabinet position. I love that guy because he's just like a 60 year old man who learned rudimentary Photoshop. Yep. And the president like the president of the United States is like you are a genius. Oh yeah. And he's in there. Yeah. Hand me. I mean to be fair though Felix like I am always a little bit proud when like someone a senior citizen learns to text or

something. You know. It's cool. It's cool. Good for you buddy. I wish he had better political beliefs but it's like funny that he's doing it. Yeah. But like I feel like Howley and Cotton they're sort of like how liberals and lefties would view them how conservatives would view Elizabeth Warren where it was like they feared her because of some of her regulatory designs and stuff but didn't understand that like they she didn't even really appeal to voters on the other side. It's like Howley and Cotton if they tried to run in the primary it would be a Warren S campaign where a lot of conservative media would be like don't you see how great this is. You love this. You love this. You love this. It's just no feeling them. It's like sure. Yeah. Yeah. Blood

soil. Blah blah blah. You look at these fucking dorks. Yeah. You need you need like the dumbest man who's ever lived. You need a Maddie Gatz. Yeah. No. Maddie Gatz is stupid enough to be president. Absolutely. That's the reason that's like why Joe Biden can be president is because he's a moron. Don't you know. Idiot. And if Maddie Gatz gave one of these sort of zoom commencement addresses even though he couldn't see any of the kids he would make a point to like point out the kid with weird hair. It would just be all entourage quotes. It would be awesome. It would be like pure. Yeah. Just pure nihilistic cruelty and then like you know the joke about his DUIs and shit. Like yeah. That's that's the future. Yeah. No. He'd have a joke about like sorry you'd

have a joke about how hey some of you kids are going to college. Take my advice. If you kill your roommate make sure your dad is a sheriff in Broward County. You know who you know who's like going to be the next Republican president. It's going to be a guy who got elected to the state legislature because he got his driver's license taken away for having too many DUIs and came in there to change that law as a better chance than Ben says. I mean they'll have a I mean that guy will have a good chance because Felix you will be his campaign. I will. Yeah. I will be like the bald guy from the West Wing and he'll be my Bartlett. All right. Let's just hear the last segment. Just one more segment of the commencement speech. We've made it this far. The only way

out is through. Get me roll that. System that's visible to the naked eye. Scientists are now going to classify it as a major, major bummer. Why am I giving you all this bad news? Well, between the pandemic and the murder hornets and the fact that the Tiger King lady definitely killed her husband and the black hole that should be between it should be among but among all those things. You're stuck at home for graduation and that's really not even a top 100 problem. But I get it. This isn't the way you wanted today to go down and you know all joking aside, you are graduating in the midst of two crises. We've got a public health crisis which is real and many of us know people who've been suffering because of it for the health reasons and we've

got an economic crisis on our hands and all of us are going to be navigating that. You're entering the world. You're moving from basically the end of childhood to the start of adulthood at a time when the economy has some pretty ugly prognostication coming. It's hit our state hard. It's probably your family. It's hit our whole country and nobody knows exactly how we're going to beat this thing. But you know what? We're Americans. We're Nebraskans. We've got grit and we're going to beat this thing. We will bring the economy back. We are going to beat the virus. We've got five different American pharmaceutical companies doing amazing research to develop a vaccine. We're going to have to have a serious reckoning with the thugs in China. You're going to have to deal with the consequences of

all this and you're entering adulthood during an incredibly disruptive time. But you know what that means? It means the fact that you're going to need grit and determination and resilience isn't just euphemism. It isn't just rhetoric. It's reality. And here's the good news. You all have the potential to have grit and resilience and determination and to get through this. That's actually what your late night study sessions and your early morning practices gave you. That's what they were about. That's what your parents and teachers tried to instill in you. And that's what makes our state great. And that's what's going to pull us through this thing. You're going to pull us through this thing. You're commencing today. What does commencement mean?

It's the end of your high school. But we call it commencement, which means beginning. Why? Because it's the beginning of the set of callings you have from here. You're going to do it. You're going to get it done. We're going to be proud of you again. And we're proud of you today. Your families. Wait for it. Wait for it. Oh, yeah. No, at the end, he does say get her done. I don't know if we want to go that far. Is there a point for it? I think I will find a good one. You know what makes you tough and gives you grit and gives you resilience? Homework. Oh, my God. I thought his whole thing is that like pussy book nerds are weak. Yeah, you need to be out there working a real job. No, he wants to have it both ways, Amber. That's the thing. I remember in his book you read, he

talked about how he made sure to give it, like make sure that his daughter spent a summer working on a ranch that was probably owned by some multi-multi-millionaire that he's friends with. Because we wanted to teach her grit and determination by working on a ranch. But like he's going back on that to be like, yeah, you know, all of those early morning band practices, that was a rehearsal for the spring fling. It was rehearsal for entering an economy with 30% unemployment and a plague ravaging the country that our nation's best pharmaceutical countries are certainly working on an answer for. But also we're going to confront the thugs and shit. Yeah, that's the beauty part. Yeah, it looks bad. And yeah, it looks like you'll never own a home or have health insurance. But

don't worry about it. You always have a chance of getting shot down in a troop transport over Manchuria and the Third World War that we're going to start. No, no, but like people have been going to lacrosse practice using that grit. We're going to beat them in a war. Right. Yeah. It's just like that's the most it's like, yeah, no, your life is going to suck specifically because what I and guys like me have done to you in this country for decades. But like, don't worry, you're going to have a, you're going to have a sense of purpose by fighting China. No, no, no, my kids aren't signing up. It's you. Right. You know, have fun assholes. Look, I know this maybe might have ruined our day, if not weeks. And I'm going to sit and see that will for making me watch it. But

I think I have something that I'm going to choose to believe to make me feel better, which is that we are the only people that ever watched this. Yes. He's speaking to an empty room. I am. I'm going to use positive mental visualization. I am picturing Ben Sass is okay. So he gets iced iced by Rand Paul in a hilarious viral photo that gets a hundred retweets where he's given a Bacardi isanus to Neil. But because he's an old pussy, he tears MCL in the process. Dr. Sass is or Senator Sass is doctors prescribe him fentanyl. Ben Sass has a fentanyl addiction and dies after years of excruciating addiction and emulation. That's the thing I'm envisioning. He goes out like Prince. Yeah. Yeah. So I want everyone to picture that.

Dr. Senator Ben Sass, his addiction to fentanyl that will soon claim him. President G is as guilty as Carol Baskin. Yeah. I don't know who has more issues. The Chinese Communist Party or Joe Exotic. Oh, Karantz. Oh, man. Is this how you want to get corona? Because this is how we get corona. Oh, are we not doing phrasing anymore? Well, you don't like this? Well, yeah, I'm surprised you guys didn't like the Ben Sass commencement speech more. I'm surprised it didn't inspire you the way it inspired me. I mean, well, you wrote you wrote for it. I mean, look, it's delivered very well. You didn't deliver very good. And this is my first crack at it. Don't judge me on this outlet.

It's a hard gig to write for, but I thought I slipped in some pretty good zingers in there. No, for sure, for sure. And yeah, a lot of it is performance. The director, they really should have put in a laugh track. I mean, they're not really spinning the gold you gave them into something useful. And again, it's just this sort of, it's the trying to have it both ways thing that I think is striking here. Because like I said, it's the thugs in China's fault. But again, like if for this to have any real purchase, he should have spent the commencement address just telling kids that corona virus is for pussies and that like, you know, anyone who's afraid of it is weak and that we need to like

just get out there and open up the economy again. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, like that's the problems they sort of painted themselves into a corner here because they realized that their voter base is both the people who are probably most vulnerable to this disease and the people who don't believe in it. So they're kind of stuck. I was like, Matt and I were talking about this as well, because I saw a headline the other day that just said that the Trump administration has said, look, we're going to have a vaccine. Will it work? We don't know, but we'll have it. It might not, but it'll be there. Well, like we're going to have the vaccine ready. And if it's a Trump, if it's a Trump approved vaccine

and crucially, if people like Nancy Pelosi or Chuck Schumer or something say, hey, like, I think maybe this vaccine was hastily rushed to market and it becomes the Trump vaccine, then all of his like anti-vax insane, you know, QAnon voters will have no problems squaring that circle in their head of signing up being first in line to get the Trump vaccine. But Matt, you had a very, like, you had a great idea about this, that if he just didn't call it a vaccine. Yes, he should call it a potion or an elixir. And if he did that, there would be no problem. No one would get mad and know everyone would take it and you'd get rid of all the problems. You've got a point. So there we go. Inspirational words for the graduating class of 2020. Yes,

lacrosse practice and homework has prepared you to enter an economy with 30% unemployment and MIMON PEP PEP being, you know, chucked in a ditch by guys in hazmat suits. So thanks for enduring that with me. Like I said, we'll do a little writer's workshop a little bit later when I, you know, I'm working on a few bits right now for, you know, Mitch McConnell and some other people. There's someone with better delivery. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I'm just glad you're getting work, buddy, you know. Yeah. You know, I mean, it's like, it's important and I'm using this opportunity to like branch out, try some other venues for my comedy stylings. Well guys, until next time, let's leave you there. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.