Chapo Trap House - 444 - The Rats are Coming feat. Ike Barinholtz (8/10/20)

Episode Date: August 11, 2020

Friend of the show Ike Barinholtz(MADtv, Eastbound & Down, Suicide Squad) joins us to talk cartoons, the Shapiros, a reading series from our favorite Chicagoland OpEd writer, and of course to discuss long-term effects of exposure to The Joker.

Here are some of the lyrics. You ready? Horses in this house. There's some whores in this house. There's some whores in this house. There's some whores in this house. Hold up. I said certified freak seven days a week. Wet ass P word.

Make that pull out game week. Yeah, you effin with some wet ass P word. P word is female genitalia. Bring a bucket and a mop for this wet ass P word. Give me everything you got for this wet ass P word and continue along these lines. And it gets significantly more vulgar. Like a lot more vulgar.

Talk your S word, bite your lip. Ask for a call while you ride that D word. You really ain't never going to eff him for a thing. He already made his mind up before he came. Now get your boots and your coat for this wet ass P word. Pay my tuition just to kiss me on this wet ass P word. Right. So this is deep guys. This is what feminists fought for.

This is what the feminist movement was all about. It's not, it's not really about, you know, women being treated as independent, full, rounded human beings. It's about wet ass P word. All I wanna do is give trouble. All I wanna do is give trouble. All I wanna do is give trouble. All I wanna do is give trouble.

Should we do it? Is video working? Should we all make it for the soy face to make sure? When I first learned about the soy face, I like went back and looked at my Instagram and 90% of my photos were me making the soy face. It's like, it did solve the problem of like, what do you do in a photo? That was the thing.

It's like the soy face, it was like, you know, when they used to put like morphine in, in just like Coke and shit, it was like, oh, well, what do we put in this? The soy face was like, well, what do you do in a picture? And it solved that problem. And it was the solution we needed at the time. But, you know, looking back, we're like, oh, you know, maybe we shouldn't have done that.

I still reflexively do it and I will, whoever's taking the photo, I'll be like, let's grab another one and delete that one because they've won because now I look at it as an indictment of my femininity. Well, that's it is that you have to remember these are people who are miserable all the time and no one has ever taken a picture of them who invented the term and it's really just being like getting people as you're going to be as miserable

as me now and as awkward in public because now you're worried that you have a soy face, which is why I just do it all the time. Yeah, I mean, what else am I going to do when I get a Nintendo switch? I like the idea of like, like old like Civil War era photographs where it's like a regiment before they go into battle. They're all killed the next day, but they have to make the

soy face for an hour while like it leads into a copper plate, you know, there's a great statue where I grew up a Philip Sheridan on his horse and he's making the soy face on his horse the whole time. Yeah, I mean, it's one of those things that like once you let it into your brain, it like it never leaves. You see it everywhere all the time and yeah, you begin to look at your own life in a in a new light much like many things

on your show. Yes, things I didn't know existed and now they dominate my thoughts. I just like briefly before we were starting recording your tongue. Yeah, Felix, you're bringing up how God awful your YouTube recommends are. So I just I brought up my YouTube homepage and the the top

video recommended for me was just called Are You Happy David Lynch? I love them. Yeah, I love like YouTube takedowns that are in like three parts and they're like when family guy went off the rails and it's like a combined 21 hours. That's it's all like I mean part of the great and the awful thing about YouTube is that it's sort of democratized being

a crank. It used to be to be a crank. You have to like invent the Model T or type of soap and now you can just get straight to the part where you write your manifesto. Yeah, now you just now you just need a car and a fast food parking lot and you're good. Yeah, you're good.

That's why they're worse because there's no discipline involved. Yeah, you know Henry Darger had to spend eight hours a day mopping the floor to Chicago hospital so that he could go home and make the giant tapestries of little girls getting strangled by aliens. He didn't get to just do that in his mom's basement with it with the fucking Photoshop.

I own 14 Henry Darger they're all over my house. My young daughters are terrified constantly. Alright, well let's let me officially start the show. Let's get things off. It's hello. It's Shapo. We've got me, Matt and Felix are back in the cut. But as a little treat for you guys joining us today is

Ike Baronholz. Ike, what's going on? Boys, how are you? Long time coming. First time, long time. First time, long time. But I would like to, you know, before we officially kick things off on the show, I would just like to do a personal

acknowledgement that yes, I am working on my birthday. It is my birthday today. Couldn't think of a better present than to have you here with us. Ike, but happy birthday, buddy. Thank you. And that also means that you could drop any kind of take you want and no one can get mad at you for your birthday.

That's true. In that regard, you know, like obviously the passage of time and getting older is cause for us all to reflect on things we've done or past behaviors that perhaps, you know, we were willing to own up to or admit to now. And in light of that, in light of my birthday, I think it's time for me to address the fact that, you know, being a person in their 30s, when I started out doing this podcast,

did involve me grooming Felix, a man in his 20s, to come on the podcast, but I'd just like to be clear that at the time he had vastly more Twitter followers than I do. So the power differential was such that I felt okay doing it and grooming him to be on the show, but I would like to take this time now to apologize and acknowledge my grooming of a 20 year old man, Felix, to be on my podcast. So please accept this apology.

Well, I accept it, but also at the time you had read multiple books and I had not yet completed one right now. I'm very proud to be at 0.75 of a book that I've completed and it's a different time. Like I probably wouldn't. I probably this wouldn't have happened if I had read the three quarters of the book that I've read over the last five years.

Is this that guy Carl von Nazgard? Yes. Yeah. Well, it's sort of it's I've read half of that book and 25 percent of Behold a Pell Horse. And I don't know. I think like, you know, we run it back and I read those pages, those dozens of pages.

Um, I'm maybe, maybe I'm on pod safe America, but you know, we're here. We're now we can't change the past. So I accept the apology. I only read books written by like John Bolton and Mary Trump. Like I only read like resistance books. That's all. That's all I read.

This people have a book. He has to write. I don't think he does. Oh, he's he's he's blowing it. If he doesn't, they're leaving millions on the table. If they don't have him write a book. Well, he also, he's does he still run cafe? Yeah.

Well, no, that's his brother. The net, uh, no, that podcast actually like the pre-powered podcast is very big, but they're leaving millions on the table, not having a book. Do you think do you think Trump will ever write another book? Like in like 10 years when he's just like being shuffled from room to room in Mar-a-Lago and someone's like, we'll pay you two million dollars to do a book or whatever.

Do you think he would do another one? Oh, absolutely. I mean, I don't know who would write it. Um, I would like to write it. I would like to write it. I would actually know I would like you to write it. It would be we could work together on it. Um, I would like it to be a graphic novel chapter, chapter

four. El McPherson is a liar. By the way, uh, Preet Bahara has written a book. It came out last year. It's called doing justice, a prosecutor's thoughts on crime punishment and the rule of law. So the fact that we couldn't even think of that means it probably didn't do too well.

I don't know. I mean, it might be one of those books you've never fucking heard of and it's sold like 30 million copies. I guess. Yeah. It's the exact opposite of all the people who buy the Bill O'Reilly murder books, different historical figures being murdered.

If I did it, if I was the one killed Lincoln, if I was on the grass, you know, here's how I would have done it in today's pinheads file. We're talking guy banister. I hear he's writing a, this next one's going to be a biography of Nietzsche called killing God Felix. Um, you know, back when you were doing digler, I remember you said that like you ended up in like the same room with Preet

or something. It was some reception or party and you said it was the closest the closest you've ever felt to just being like carted off to ADX Florence to be solitary for the rest of your life. Yes. Yes. Uh, we met him when it was in Philadelphia. We were all in Philadelphia.

That was like kind of the time when I was like, uh, I don't know how long this cafe thing's going to last because, um, yeah, they just like they, they had floor passes for the DNC, but they didn't give it to like Rob Wisman or Stefan. They gave it to like, I don't even remember, but it was like, I don't know about this. And the, you know, we had that exciting, uh, show in the batting cage and I was like, this seems way more promising.

And I was actually right. It was actually a good bet. But, um, I, there was some like weird party cafe had that was like live streamed and I met Preet there. And I mean, you know, you know, what a federal prosecutors like from watching billions. Of course I do. Yeah.

He just asked you to piss on him immediately. Yeah, exactly. No, he was like, I mean, just like very serious. You're like, Oh, this guy's like, I get like, if you, if you use the definition of killing someone is just like, you know, sending them away forever. It's like, Oh, dozens, dozens of bodies. And, uh, I don't know.

I was just worried about saying the wrong thing around, about around him, but it went okay. Apparently he liked the digger articles. I don't know how true that was, but, uh, I don't know. Uh, it was a very, it was a very nerve-wracking moment for me. Whenever I, whenever I want to, um, introduce people to Chapo, the, the podcast I send them is when you guys went to the, went to me, went to CPAC.

Oh yeah. That's your, that's your fucking apocalypse now. Oh yeah. That's like, you're never get out of the boat. Never get out of the boat. I, it was definitely the most emotionally taxing show we ever did. That's for sure.

I spent like a week after that, just like in a very deep funk, just like considering my life and how I got ended up there. It was something. I consider it the greatest weekend of my life. I know, literally, I had an amazing time. That was like, you know, people like, they're like, Oh, we're having a weekend in Miami. That was CPAC for me.

I had such a fucking good time. Like, like seeing Trump live, seeming diamond and silk, taking a date to the Benny Johnson party. It was a fucking great time. I had, you guys, you guys saw that's one of the best Trump speeches ever. Like, they're not really good anymore. He's too low energy and he's too kind of broken.

That was like the last time for him. Yeah. He was going off in a very funny, insane way. It's not like that anymore. He's so he's too defensive now because I feel like he's winning. So it's all very, it's all just grievances and like explaining why he had to be slow going down the ramp and stuff. But yeah, it was still smooth sailing and he was just able

to riff on on the toilets and the and the how you can't get the TV to go on if the wind isn't turning the turbines. Dear, I want to watch TV. Dear, I'm sorry, dear. Yeah, he just does a little lockhorn sketch. Yeah, that was like, so that day that Trump spoke, the guy who warmed up the crowd before, there was like an awful, awful symposium with Alex Azar that was like, you know, oh, yeah.

How can we, you know, how can we cut payroll tax more? And then there was some like crank rabbi who brought up these like Thanos stones and was like, oh, this proves that Israel has been around for a billion years actually predates the Bible and then Trump that it was like diamond and silk, which was like, all right, we're fucking doing something here. Let's go. Oh, I'd love to see them live.

They were awesome. They were they were absolutely electric. The crowd could not get enough of them. Yeah, I like them because they have a lot of like they don't they unabashedly don't have like a like an act really, you know what I mean? It's just repeating shit. The guy that like me and my friends are kind of obsessed

with is I don't know if you guys know Terrence Williams. Yes. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. He's like a guy who like I first saw him like on Sean Hannity just doing like it's really like it's not cool. Like he like stands and like eats food while like a clip of

like Nancy Pelosi plays and he just shakes his head and he's like Nancy Pelosi, go to bed. You are so fucking bad. But he's has like the kind of like a patina of like I'm I'm like an actual comedian where his diamond and silk don't diamond and silk are like we are diamond and silk. That's what we fucking do. And I respect them as performers a lot more than him.

I just want to say I respect. I respect diamond. I have no respect for silk. I'm on the record on this. She is dead weight. I understand that she carries like she does an important thing because she does the sassy black lady voices and the noise echo.

Yeah. And someone has to do that because that's what they're getting. They're getting like oh look at sassy black people like from TV, but they agree with me. But so you know you can't have one person doing both. So she has to do it, but that's all she does. And I really think that makes her very replaceable.

Yeah, but like what are you going to like replace Elwood Blues because he doesn't talk a lot. Like there's a Blues Brothers man. He can play the harmonica. If you can play the harmonica, I would retract my statement about silk. So she's like busted out like some hot fucking licks. I would appreciate it.

Silk is like the George Harrison of Diamond and Silk actually responsible for writing some of your greatest hits. All the material. Yeah, yeah, behind the scenes. She's doing kind of all kinds of shit. You don't even know about. Yeah, exactly. That that Trump speech fucking rock though, because I mean,

it was he hit on all the big hits like handsome generals, General Raisin Cain, all those. But like the I like you raisin. Yeah, that part where that really fucking weird part where he's like it was while he was talking about Mueller. He's like and he put together 19 Democrats and one of them has the worst reputation of all time. And I have a thing that I want to call them.

But Melania said, I shouldn't say it. Should I say it? Should I say it? And then he never said what it was. And it was you left. You're guessing that's so much. Yeah, that was fucking great. Yeah, no, all the speeches now are about like micro grievances

or hairspray, literally about hairspray or toilets. Like they kind of suck. But that was yeah, that was like the last hurrah. Well, speaking of yeah, that was just all tomorrow. Yeah, people forget that Matt was stabbed by a Hell's Angel. When honestly, they wanted to seriously, your ass was showing wanted to murder me because I would not respect them. Sit down.

I did not respect their request for me to sit down so that they could see their big, wet president. They got mad at me. So yeah, that was getting yelled at. And then I accidentally showed them my ass crack. Matt, Matt got yelled at a lot that weekend. Matt's getting assaulted in the audience and Trump in the middle of the raising cane speech, like Mick Jagger.

He's like, brothers and sisters, please, please. Come on, come on, stop. Calm down. Come down, everyone. He's brothers and sisters. Actually, well, I'm speaking of Trump and you know, I mean, I mean, you guys say maybe his best days are past him, you know, like it's it's it's there's no more Donnie deals.

But you know what, a story came out this week that said that speculate basically confirmed that speculation that Donald Trump had told a South Dakota Republican representative, Christy Noem, when he first met her in the Oval Office, he told her straight up that it is quote, it's my dream to have my face on Mount Rushmore. She says I started laughing. He wasn't laughing.

He was totally serious. So she said like, yo, Mr. Trump, please come to South Dakota. We have Mount Rushmore. And he just goes, it's always been my dream to be on Mount Rushmore, which I think absolutely needs to happen because I mean, if there's one national monument that Trump deserves to be on, it's Mount Rushmore.

It's got to be that. And I think do you think do you think he could name the four presidents on Mount Rushmore? I think you would get tripped up in the middle middle. Yes, I will George Washington classic the original, the original guy. And then of course, Thomas Jefferson, another great guy. There's a Roosevelt.

He would trip up on Roosevelt and he'd be like, I think I think it's great that he got him on the mountain even though he's sitting down all the time. He's in a chair. Yeah, I mean, I like, I love Mount Rushmore because it's like simultaneously. Like it's pretty impressive that someone did that, but also like it's so fucking tacky.

Like it sucks. Like it is. It's like whenever we make fun of like countries, like Kazakhstan or something where it's like, Oh, isn't it so stupid? They have like a rotating statue. The guy has been president for 45 years. It's like, that's what Mount Rushmore is the largest bass

relief in the world. So yeah, he's in it or is that stone mountain? I can't remember one of the two of them is like the largest both both designed by the same guy, the same guy who if I'm not mistaken was a Klansman. He was straight up. Yeah, guts and bored. Yes, that's a teacot name.

If ever there was one. But we spoke to guts and bored on the local commissioner of the Republican Party in Mobile, Alabama. Yeah, there was, you could just your first name used to be able to be just like whatever. What a good time in America back when opium was in everything. You could just name your kid like claw grab. This is my daughter Hortense.

Yeah. Um, and now they just you can only name your kid after the thing on the hunger games or something. Well, yeah, everyone's name ends in DEN now. Yeah. Kaden, Brandon, the gradants. Yeah, I mean, like if there is space to add Trump's face to Mount Rushmore, I think it should be and if there's

extra percent and if there's extra space, I think we should add a few other luminaries from American culture and history. Of course, beginning with a grimace. It's it should be there should be grimace on Mount Rushmore as well. There should absolutely be a grimace on Mount Rushmore. And maybe, of course, and maybe Garfield. Garfield.

Absolutely. I'm not a guy. I'm a Heathcliff boy. Garfield's a little controversial. He feels like a little spoiled cuck who sits at home all day. Heathcliff's on the fucking streets, man. He was eating fish bones and shit. Heathcliff was like the velvet underground of cartoons.

Yeah, like he wasn't as big as Garfield, who is, you know, more like Rolling Stones. But everyone who read Heathcliff went on to make their own strip, you know, like, like, like Heathcliff was a he was a he was a lunch pail, you know, comic strip cat. You know, it didn't matter if it was Monday. He was out there grinding. Like you said, if you put the two of them, if you put Heathcliff

in Garfield and like a dog fight situation, but like with cats, you would leave the room and one minute later come back and Heathcliff would just be sucking on a pile of cat. Just pulling like a cat femur out of his mouth, alpha, alpha. Well, well, okay, speaking of alpha, I got I got another follow up. This is a this is a follow up to a story that we recently covered.

And, you know, we spent much of the last episode discussing Jerry Falwell, Jr. And his his trailer Park Boys party on the yacht. What do you know it? This did him in. He is he has now announced that he is taking a leave of absence from Liberty University at the request of the board of trustees. It says the college state the college's statement did not

mention a reason for the board's request, but the announcement comes at the end of a week in which Falwell has faced unprecedented pressure to resign from prominent associates of the college last weekend. Falwell, Jr. posted a photograph to his Instagram in which he posted posed with his arm around a pregnant woman with a bare middrift at a private yacht party.

I just got going on here. It says this upset a lot of Southern Baptist pastor. It says DL DJ Jordan, a Liberty graduate with strong ties to the alumni community. The visual is so stunning and even more so to these conservative retired pastors and business leaders who make up a portion of the board. Listen to DJ Jordan and like as a mouthpiece for all these

fucking haters taking down our boy Jerry Falwell. And by the way, I love I love the statement. I love this quote. The visual is just so stunning. It's true. It is stunning. It's it's a fucking radiant King winning and these fucking these fucking babies and losers can't handle it. So they had to get him out of there steal the shine. They had to block they had to block his shine.

But you know, Liberty University's loss is perhaps our gain as I will now officially make the request for Jerry Falwell, Jr. to come on board as Chapo trap houses full time spiritual advisor and real estate sort of wheeling dealing expert. I think it's outrageous. I've been a fan of Liberty since they won the final four. And the funny thing is is that what he the picture was one thing, but his explanation was the greatest because I'm

I'm gonna be I'm gonna be a good little boy. Like he couldn't even do the apology not wasted. You know, yeah, he yeah, I will I like the reaction to this has been funny because I've seen, you know, those people who are like, oh, I'm actually I'm actually a progressive Christian, you know, they like they have some they belong to some like Episcopal church where the pastor wears the chambray shirt and plays guitar, which is like, I don't know.

I have more respect for like people are just like Eastern Orthodox and like for some religious reason only use Android phones. I like they're like, oh, good news. Falwell's out and it's like, why do you give a shit of Liberty's well run like the entire thing is a scam. It always has been. It's like always been for fucking cranks.

His dad who I guess you think ran the whole thing. Well, like his thing was, you know, calling Teletubbies gay propaganda and shit like it's always been awful. Well, that is true. That is true. It's true. But you can agree on that. It's true.

But you should make an issue out of it. It's just like one of the agreed upon lies of society that keeps the whole thing running. But it's like, why not have this cool crackhead running it? He's cool. Like he's entertaining. I would, I would go back to school to go to Liberty if Falwell Junior was still leading it back to school.

Back to school starting Felix Biederman going to Liberty University. I've always wanted to live like five years of my life as a Gentile, not the whole thing, but like five years. Yeah. It's like that. He has an episode where Larry thinks he's at that Larry thinks he's a Gentile and that goes to live with his like

biological parents. It'll be like, yeah. Yeah. If I, if I went to Liberty for like three years, I would be able to digest milk. Like I would be able to. Yeah. No problem.

Yeah. No, it would be doing fucking butt funnels. You'd be eating fried cheese sticks. Yeah. Have a hat. You'd have a backwards hat on. I would stop. Yeah.

Madison. I would stop caring about Gladio and shit like that. Yeah. You'd be much happier. You'd be like happier. Yeah. Yeah. Your sex life would probably take a hit because I don't think

they have any sex there. I don't even think. Well, unless you're Jerry Junior. I don't even think Jerry. Here's my whole thing is I was texting Felix this. I don't even think he had sex with that one. I don't think he had sex with any women. I think he does this weird shit where it's like, all right,

now I'm going to push this remote control into my privacy while you sit here and read this dirty magazine. Like it's not like they can't allow themselves the true decadence, right? They're just they're like you guys have pointed out they're just they still have that like Protestant thing in their head where they can't like fully let go not like not like if you're Catholic or Jewish where you're just like everyone

come. Yeah. No, yeah, you're just you're just busting everywhere and then you feel bad about it for the rest of your life. I like remember that thing with the pool boy. Yeah. Do I remember? I think about it every day.

Yeah. It's like, yeah, no, I think it's pretty clear what he's into allegedly like in a parody sense and it's like, I mean, depending on how close you get with the man, your sex life could be great with one person. That is true. That is true. You would definitely be in some kind of trouble.

Yeah. He's very poly that. Yeah. I mean, I like the idea like Roger Stone was into the whole like bang my wife thing. But oh, yeah. And my buddy and I found that personal ad that he put out in the 90s.

And the best line is the funniest line is because it's all like super filthy. It's like, look at my wife's big fucking pussy. But like the last thing he says is a personality counts. He still has a Republican thing where it's like if you're interviewing for a job at a landscaping crew, you have to show up in a tuxedo to show that you give a damn. It reminds me of a John McCain's book that he put out

before his presidential run was called character matters. But now I'm just imagining that that's like in a back page ad or like a FetLife profile. The longest back page ad ever put out by Random House. Yeah. No, it's fall. Well, junior fall was a hot wife thing was cool because he had to involve a real estate scam into it.

Like that may be the thing. It's like the he was like, he didn't really want to be into the cucking thing. He's like, oh, yeah, do you want to do this? I guess. But the real thing he likes is doing like a semi legal real estate deal. That might be the only thing like he because he didn't he

like he sold the guy a bunch of parkland for like pennies on the dollar. He's he sold him the gym at the university that they built for the school and he's just like he will sell it to like reduce the footprint or something and they gave it to him for a very, very low price. Yeah. It wasn't a gym that only Jerry could use.

It was like a yeah, it was supposed to be it was supposed to be for the school. But in reality, it was just for Jerry just for Jerry just for Jerry and his buddy just to get sweaty and loose together. God bless him. God bless him knows how to have a good time. More than most people could say. Amen.

He should he should be the pope of Protestants like no one represents them in America better than him. No, absolutely. Yeah, they need one to be in charge. Well, OK, so as long as we're talking about society and decadence, this next clip I have for you. I've been sitting on this one for a while because I didn't know like the context with which to bring it up.

But now I think is the perfect time because we've got you know, we've got Ike in the cut and you know, as fans of Chapo and fans of Ike are certainly aware of like you were in a canonical film in the Chapo Canon and a canonical film in our culture. I'm speaking, of course, about Suicide Squad. This was this was a major moment in Chapo, but you were you were in the film Suicide Squad and and as such were in very

close proximity to the Joker. And well, even even even you just saying that name right now my blood is yes. I mean, then that must have been you know, I mean, like it's a harrowing experience. I mean, like did did you come out of it? OK, I guess not. But no, here's the point.

Here's where I'm going with this. Are you like are you familiar with the cartoonist and brain genius Scott Adams? Yeah, OK, I am very familiar with Scott Adams recently. Scott Adams had some thoughts on the Joker and the society we live in. And this is not this is not your Joker film. It was the Joker film that came after it.

But like really, yes, the Joaquin Phoenix Joker could not have existed without the Suicide Squad Joker. I mean, like so my Joker is Conor O'Malley. Absolutely. So Scott shared his thoughts about film and the Joker recently. I'm just going to read here. This is a series of tweets from him. He says, in the old days, movies were mostly entertainment

with a bit of social mind control sprinkled in. But our skills at moviemaking kept improving along with our mind control skills. In 2020, a movie like the Joker can rewire an entire nation into seeing things in its frame. If you don't think a great movie can rewire minds, consider how many matrix references you have heard in the past year. And that movie is old.

Your brain pattern, your brain is a pattern recognition machine, which probably helps to keep you alive, but it also makes you programmable. If I feed you the same pattern often enough, it becomes a fact to you. CNN and Fox News feed their audiences different patterns. I'm willing to bet 90% of the protesters have seen Joker. It is so powerful and well made that it bounces around in

your brain and burrows in forming a dominant go-to pattern for your thinking. Can one movie nudge a young person into violence and anarchy? A bad movie can't even a good movie can't do that, but Joker can. The movie is next level persuasion wise. So there we that is so yeah.

I mean, you laugh at it, but I think I mean, you you've experienced firsthand how being around a Joker can be a form of mind control. I just listen. I hate to say this that Sky Adams is 100% right. And my experiences with the Joker, as we called him Mr. Jay, were nothing short of a terrifying, but because it'd be influential after I finished working with the

Joker, I came home. I was nothing but disrespectful to my wife. She would be like, she'd be like, Hey man, time to full laundry. I'd be like, buzz off. I'd go downstairs. I've watched. I watched what I want to watch on TV.

I basically looked at authority and said, fuck off. You know what I mean? And that kind of attitude is why we're seeing protests right now. He's 100% right as always. You found yourself watching a television report of some horrible crime happening and instead of being disgusted, you, you were laughing and you didn't even know why you

found I found myself. I found myself chuckling. And my wife said, what's so funny? And I said, none of your damn business, bitch. This is a true story. I don't know. I never told anyone this before, but I think the lowest point in my life in show business was after I was on

mad TV for a long time and then after mad TV, I couldn't get hired a lot as an actor. I don't know why. I guess making fun of TV shows on a TV show for five years doesn't, doesn't like a, isn't a great way to get hired on other TV shows, but I am a writer. So we would, my partner and I would sell scripts and stuff and we would chase down job.

We're very, very, very, very, very, very low level writers. And we were the jobs we were chasing down were fucking terrible. And the worst one was the Dilbert movie. Oh, yeah, they were going to make a Dilbert movie and like Dave and I, my partner had to like break a Dilbert story and like, and there was going to be like an action comedy with like, like Dilbert.

I didn't like Dilbert. I never in my life read a Dilbert was like, oh, that's good, good take, but we needed money or a fucking broke. And so we had to pitch Scott Adams over the phone and pitch him and Dilbert jumps out the window and build all this shit, you know, and he was, he had a lot of like notes and thoughts and like, like drone on and on and on, but then they, they, you're not going to believe this.

There wasn't enough interest to make the movie. They never made the move. So, uh, yeah, that's my Scott Adams story. I love, uh, did you see when Scott Adams was like, uh, he said, I've been a victim of affirmative action. They buried Dilbert on UPN, which is an urban network and the audience didn't appreciate Dilbert, which is like the, one of the most interesting forms of racism I've ever heard.

Oh my God. Oh my God. I have a, I have like an embarrassing memory of my childhood. It was like eight or nine. I like wanted to appear smarter and, uh, I thought like one thing all adults did was read Doonsbury and Dilbert. That's true of Doonsbury. Doonsbury is only for adults.

Um, yeah, that's really straight for adults. Doonsbury, Doonsbury was the first manga, uh, but, uh, I would read both and be like, this fucking sucks. Like I didn't understand it at all. I didn't understand anything about Dilbert. I think if I went back and looked at Dilbert, it would, it is like a sort of proto, you could interpret it as like a proto, like, oh, look, look at these cucked bug men who live

in pods type thing, but at the time as a nine year old, I did not understand it. At least you read it. Cause I remember I have distinct memory of being nine and telling all my friends at school that I read the bonfire of the vanity. I'll never forget my parents came to an open house and they went to Ms. Tiersky, the librarian and Ms. Tiersky goes,

I can't believe Isaac read the bonfire of the vandies. My parents go, he can't read the fucking bonfire of the vandies. Can't read, he reads Archie. Yeah, I love it. It's like, wait, wait, like what are you, one of your, uh, one of your friends would call you on it and just be like, or just be like, oh, wow, what's it about? And you're just like, just, just, it's a little bonfire.

It's a bonfire, these guys start a fire and, uh, yeah, basically there's this like big fire they have every year in Central Park and one year it just gets out of control and everyone was so vain. They're just so vain there. And it's just about that. The New York Times called it a novel for our era. I see, I think I, I know I did read bonfire of the vanity is

when I was 15 and it, you didn't get anything out of, uh, even if you had read it, you wouldn't have gotten anything out of it because I didn't. I like the book, but it was also like, like, who am I going to tell you about this? It's capturing a very, very specific moment in time. Yeah, nothing more. As I was just talking about, uh, comic strips and, uh, childhood

memories, I remember around the same age as being nine years old, I was very into the, the funny pages and like that was one of the rays that I related to my, to my grandfather. Oh, when we would hang out, you know, we'd always like, you know, read the comics together, you know, talk about them. I'd show my Garfield drawings, but he was a, he was a very conservative guy and I remember him like complaining to nine year old me about why Dunesbury is on the comic pages and not

the editorial pages. And I like didn't, I didn't get it. I was like, I don't know. Like, I was like, it's just, it's not very funny. I don't like it either. My, my, uh, my hometown newspaper on the editorial page had Dunesbury, but also Mallard Fillmore as a balance. I love Mallard Fillmore.

It is the ravings of an insane alcoholic. The guy spent a month of his strips yelling at the judge who sentenced him for a DUI. He, how do you beat that? And that wasn't that newspaper. Like Ben Garrison shit people make fun of, but like that's just him doing it on like MS paint and then putting on the internet that goes, that's syndicated into hundreds of

newspapers nationwide. That was the fact that Ben Garrison is able to make it through one of his own paintings without jacking himself off the death is a testament to his restraint because everyone, every Republican, they all look like Tom Hardy and warrior. I love, I love Ben Garrison. I think he has a totally unique art style. He is talented.

He's very talented. He like, he has like even like most kids, like I got really into concern. We did an entire episode about like political cartoons, but you remember like Glenn McCoy and all those shitters, they would just draw like horrible, like if you're holding the crayon with your entire fist, you would draw like them and it would be like, there's the one where Obama is just like

outside of a dumpster in plant parenthood, beating fetuses with a bat, just making sure they're dead and like just like awful boilerplate conservative bullshit. But Ben Garrisons is like, you know, what, what if Lindsey Graham was six, four and just seven percent body fat and there were bullets labeled soy bouncing off his perfect triangle dick muscle. It's all and the bullet and it's like, it's like, yeah, like

John Brennan being like, he's too strong and Lindsey Graham going, I do the reps of the Constitution. It's so good. It's so like pure. His ideology is so distinct and his art style so I like the one recently where he drew Trump giving him a thumbs up and saying in the cartoon, good job, Ben. He's awesome.

Like he's awesome. Like Miller Fillmore, I think like the height of his artistic expression was the anti-judge campaign. But like, he, do you remember the John Stuart thing where he basically drew John Stuart like the scheme? Oh yeah, I had the big old hook nose. Yeah. Oh yeah.

Yeah, he just like drew a comic where like the Mallard was like, oh, if we lower taxes, we'll get more revenue. And John Stuart being like, oh, but what about more money to make children gay so I can bless them? Do you know why he did that? What was the point of this? Do you remember why he did that? It was because it was because in the Daily Show America, the

book, they had a segment about Mallard Fillmore where it's just like a doc in this huge block of text about like, why must we tax society's most productive members? Sorry, I forgot to tell a joke. And like, that was it. And like, that was enough. That's fine. Yeah.

And there was just like bugs of strips that were just like, oh, time to watch more child pornography. My favorite movie is is Mallard Fillmore still going? Oh, yeah. Oh, good. Good. Wow. I haven't read the funny pages in like 15 years, but that's

impressive. I think I'm going to get back into it. Well, yeah, me too. It sounds like a good hobby. Yeah. Well, I want to I want to move on from reviewing a comic strips to I've got I've got some very special movie reviews lined up for you guys.

But by way of introducing them, I think we should play this clip first. I mean, this is this is sort of a new character. This is sort of like, I don't know, conservative online personality rookie of the year. I'm talking about Ben Shapiro's sister, Abby Shapiro, also known as classically Abby, who was sort of making a play to sort of coast off her brother's mega popularity to

be sort of like a sort of conservative, like lifestyle blogger and like influencer. But she she's also like the previously known famously for her wonderful singing voice. And you know, this is one of the most talented things about her. She's really incredible. So let's just like this is just let's run that clip of

Abby Shapiro singing the National Anthem. And I believe this was at CPAC. Oh, say can you see by dawn's early light, what so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last gleaming? Who's broad stripes and bright stars? Through the perilous fight, O'er the ramparts we watched were so gallantly streaming? There we go.

I'm taking a knee. I'm taking a knee. Oh my god. Holy. Oh my god. Shit. That actually like really hurt. Yeah.

My fucking ears hurt my ears. Yeah. That's because you guys are used to all your hip hops and such. You don't know what it is to hear classically trained. Musician using their voice as an instrument. Sorry that they don't have that on Tik Tok. By the way, we started out talking about YouTube

algorithms. Like just on the YouTube page for that clip, like one of the suggested videos down was a like a probably a nine year old Ben Shapiro playing the violin. And the title of the video was Ben Shapiro plays Schindler's List. That's dark. That's dark.

That's dark. My only interaction with Ben ever was he tweeted one time. He tweeted, what's your favorite underrated film? I'll go first. Mine's Amadeus. And I just replied, Amadeus won best picture in 11 hours.

Oh my god. I mean it hasn't been remade, so I guess that means it's technically underrated now. True. I want to remake it with like Lil Nas X just to watch Ben Shapiro's part of this. Yes. The Ben Shapiro and Amadeus Shapiro, like their

like obsession with like violin and classical singing, it's cool because their interpretation of it is so shitty and shallow that it just like they only like it in the sense that it's like, oh, this is, yeah, enjoy this while you're, you know, we're enjoying this while you're listening to rap. And it's, yeah, it's pure. It's just resentment.

Like there's no actual, like because they don't have, they don't, they're one dimensional humans who can only like operate on the axis of who they hate. And so well, like things like culture, classic culture are used as weapons because you know that their parents were, because his dad's the composer, I guess, you know that they just got like the, the, the enforced classical education with the idea, we're going to

make these kids into, into real classy, you know, fully cultured people, but because it was just, you know, wrote and forced that all they have is just like this sad simulacrum of it. And so now for Abby, like classical music just means bellowing, like you've been fucking shot with a harpoon. Yeah.

Also, I will say, like, I don't throw this word around a ton, but like Ben, I think Ben is legit racist. I remember, like, I remember I saw on time on Twitter, like, like when Black Panther came out, right? Like, whatever, Black people were super excited. Finally, like a huge hundred million dollar plus

movie that's like, not just like for us, but it's like, it's a, it examines Blackness and it's, it's, it's about colonization. Like they were very excited. They were dressing up and going to like the premieres and stuff and, and like Ben just like, there are so many tweets of him being like, you know, is it real?

And like, like, blah, blah, blah, like the most important thing in the world, according to Black people is that Black Panther came out and like all these fucking tweets shitting on them and then someone put up next to them every tweet where he's like, you know, and if this was Westeros, we'd be doing this. And you know, in Westeros, they did this and it's

like, oh, okay. So Game of Thrones is cool, but like whatever, Black Panther is terrible because it's, I get it. I get it Ben. Oh wait up. Chris, drop that, drop that classically Abby singing old time road as long as you're talking about it.

This is some high tier warbling right here. I'm going to take my horse to the old town road. I'm going to ride the old town road. That's fucking rough. I surrender. I'll tell you where the bomb is. That is fucking rough. Yeah.

They know why it's supposed to be good. They've had a drill in their head why this is good. This is good culture. This is classic culture as opposed to the bad modern culture, but they have no idea why. They don't know what the actual like values of it, like the actual vales of it are. They just know you warble and that's better than

wrapping. Yeah. Warbling and playing the fiddle is better than wrapping and playing, playing hip hop beats or whatever the fuck. Yeah. If you ask them like, oh, what's your, what's your favorite symphony?

They'd be like, just name some shit that they play on CV at the CVS in house radio station or like the band of brothers theme. It would have to be something that people... The thing is they're just, they're wedded to this culture they hate because everything that they like has to be in relationship to that. Like they can't operate as, you know, in sort of a

quietist mode of enjoying classical culture for its own sake. It can only be a weapon. Well, speaking of that, you know, like their views on culture, I would like to share with you now. These are a series of man and wife, traditional husband and wife movie style watching. This is Abby and her husband sharing her thoughts,

sharing their thoughts, I should say, on the films of Quentin Tarantino. And like, this is a long video, so at least let's just get, like, just get a taste of like... The husband appears to have pink eye. That is pretty classical to get that. Alright, so like, let's begin with Abby and her husband, their review of Reservoir Dogs.

Okay. I thought it was extremely along the lines of if you gave a competent high schooler the opportunity to film a stage play. Yeah, it was very overrated. People talk about this movie like it's amazing. And you know what's weird? It's been a couple of days since we've watched it,

maybe a week or so, and I kind of get why after a certain length of time you remember the snapshots of it, but actually watching it, no, no, no. It's not very good. Well, that's every Tarantino movie. Yeah, exactly. I really think that's kind of his thing is that

afterwards, after a little bit of time has passed, you remember the punchy moments and so you're like, oh, I remember liking that movie. Is Tarantino the memorable ex-girlfriend or boyfriend of film directors in the sense that like, you're watching it and you're bored because almost 90% or more of his movies is just dialogue you don't really care about in

order to characterize without characterizing people you feel nothing towards. And then the few things you remember are his two to three, it's always two to three, stylish moments in the movie that are like, oh, that was a cool thing which you probably stole from somewhere else because he's a massive film nerd who just cribs notes.

And then it's a week, it's two weeks, and they're like, yeah, that was a cool moment. Maybe you look it up on YouTube, yeah, that was a cool moment. And then you forget that the movie is an hour and 40 minutes of just utter, just boring otherwise, or two hours, then two and a half hours, then two hours and 15 minutes,

then three hours of nonsense, the guy just getting more and more into these movies. Alright, we get it, man. If you go on in this video, Abbie's husband will say, his problem with Reservoir Dogs is that it seemed like it was just like a play rather than a movie. And he also says he didn't care about any

of the characters because Tarantino doesn't give them any backstory. And I was just like, yeah, it would have been a much better movie if it had spent a lot of time just outlying, why did these men turn to a life of crime? Who is Mr. Pink, really? I think Felix and I might be able to speak

on this a little more based on our ethno background, but it appears he is suffering from a symptom of having your yamaka too tight onto your head, and it cuts off the airflow to your brain, and you say stupid things. And when she talks about, you know, his movies are like two to three

really stylish moments that you remember and like, and then you watch it again and it's really bad. It's like, she's talking about the scene of a guy getting his ear sawed off and then gas poured on it. That's the cool, fun thing that she's remembering, and she's like, oh, the rest of it's so boring, though.

How come they're not like, in Glorious Baster? Didn't they love that movie? Shouldn't they have loved that? Let's see what they have to say about Pulp Fiction. It's not an effort, but you know, Pulp Fiction, this is the one that really made him. So Pulp Fiction, 1994. Again, an ensemble crime movie

set in Los Angeles. Oh, where'd he get that idea before? And so here it's even more disjointed. Reservoir Dogs was going to be heist movie. It went wrong. Here it's an anthology series of short stories that are about a bunch of different characters

across the LA underworld. A lot of vignettes. They intersect, they don't intersect, and they're anachronistically ordered. So, yeah, you're going back and forth in time and across threads. And it's like, stylishness, the movie. Yes, very much so.

Not fashion. Oh my goodness, not fashion. But in terms of like, self-consciously directing. Yes, wait. Yes. I think we're getting into opinion. Time to hit the clock. Okay, let's go. Boom. So here's what I thought about Pulp Fiction. It felt like the kind of movie that tickles your brain.

You're like, oh, I remember that person from that vignette. That's cool. It connects. Does it mean anything? No. But, wow. Wait, I'm sorry, we're talking about Pulp Fiction or Alternative Movies. Does it mean anything? Fair enough. But this movie specifically,

I felt that. I felt like, oh, this is kind of fun because you're connecting the dots because he's kind of like giving you little hits in each vignette of how they all connect. And that's kind of like, entertaining. But it doesn't mean anything. And I feel like that kind of thing, exactly, like you just said in Tarantino films, is that there's all this

style and there's all these things that he puts in, like when you open the briefcase, it glows. Oh, that's interesting. Why? Well, it turned out they just kind of did that. And then later on, one of the guys who was like the big producer in the movie was interviewed about it because, oh my god, the fan theories that we've heard from people

when we went on Twitter and said we weren't the biggest fans. Oh, but once you know which in the briefcase, it's profound. And then it turns out that the people made the movie and said, oh yeah, it's whatever you want like we put out of light in there because it was cool. Right. That's the level of the creator's relationship to this movie. But because this style and the way it's talked about

feels so significant, people want to import meaning. But like, this is like a bad English class where your teacher tells you the book is great. And so just... Okay. All right. Pause. Pause. Pause. Pause. Pause. Pause. Okay. Sir, I give up. I surrender. It's okay. It's like, you say it's like,

it's like a bad English class because it allows you the viewer the ability to import meaning on something that isn't explicitly spelled out for you. But like, it's clear from their takes on on these films. And like, you know, you don't necessarily have to like reservoir dogs or pulp fiction or think Tarantino's the greatest

filmmaker. They're like, essentially their problem with them as art is that like, they don't just like, it just, it doesn't mean anything because this script and director don't tell you what it means explicitly. Yeah. All right. So like, this is the last one and this one is by far the most...

And because the question, well, what movies do they like? Like, what... Do they have ones where they're like, this is a great movie. This is whatever. The Chosen's during Robbie Benson. Like, what do they like if they... I would have to do more research into that, but my guess would be like

Saving Private Ryan would be their, like, example. Yeah. Yeah. Like, the best movie ever made. But like, okay. All right. Let's just go to the... This is the shortest one. I just want to see just the very beginning of it. This is their take on Jackie Brown. So here are my thoughts on Jackie Brown. It was entirely

forgettable. I... Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Also, just that's not... A movie could be forgettable, but you can't describe it as forgettable and have anyone give a shit. That's not a... That's not an actual...

Like, a meaningful criticism of film is one that communicates and it takes a subjective experience of watching a movie and and translates it. I don't know what's in your brain, you motherfucker. Why do I... I don't know if you're fucking... What, you're forgetting? Maybe you got hit in the head.

Well, we know... We know what's in their brain. Like, if you look at the background of the video, there are these like, reprint lithographs of women in fancy dresses from the 20s. And like, just... I'm obsessed with their interior. Like, look, look. Like, if you go to this video, yeah. It's just like, their

entire house and really their personal and cultural affect is like, if you put a gun in a 10-year-old's face and we're like, all right, you have to become fancy. Yeah, she's got fucking posters just of ladies in old-timey evening gowns.

Just to remind you of a simpler time. This is a bit of a Star is Born situation, where you brought me into this because you hooked me into the star, Abbey, but then this other person is a much bigger star. Yeah. Her husband is a much bigger

star in my mind. And by star, I mean someone that like, when I wake up to pee at two in the morning, I'll lay in bed thinking about why is he in my life? Why am I thinking about him? He is a fascinating figure because he's like, he's a Jewish man, but

his personal style and affect is like, it's like, you know, a guy in the Dallas Fort Worth area who's $300,000 in debt and hangs out exclusively and acts throwing bars. And he also has big eye again in this video.

Also a little bit, like a little bit of like the male lead on a sitcom's best friend. Yes. Like, yeah, like, oh, I'm going to wear this like floral shirt. He's so crazy. He's going to go kick off the B story. I just, no, yeah, he has, he has the it factor. You know, so I was, I was watching

this, this excruciating video of them, you know, like just shit all over Tarantino, which is like, fine, you can make intelligent criticisms of his films. They obviously haven't come close to that because it's just, they're just like, just sort of, oh, like, it doesn't mean anything. They're like, it doesn't tell me what it

means or it doesn't have like a, a wholesome or uplifting message. And it was like, the Reservoir Dogs in Pulp Fiction thing, like I was watching, I was like, oh, God, this is unbearable. And then they bring up Jackie Brown, which I think is like, legitimately probably his best film. And they're just like, okay, well, what do you think about

it? Totally forgettable. And it's just like, whenever, whenever I see this shit, like, you know, like, these are, these are the worst movies that Millennials like, I think you should be required by law to put out your 10 favorite movies so that I can fucking come, so I can come down on all of it with like, both

with like a steel-toed fucking boot. Because like, you shouldn't be able to like, just only shit on like, on like popular, like well-respected stuff without like going on the record of like, what, what do you consider like a great film or great art? What's, what's, what's the great American novel in your fucking opinion, Abby?

Yeah, this absolute, is absolute shit. It's, it's ruined my day. Well, okay, let me, let me, let me get you back. Let me get you back. Okay, so, we alluded to it. You know, you and Felix are both

Chicago guys. Yeah, baby. The windy city. Deep dish. You guys are, you got sort of like, yeah, like, you're, you're from a city of like, just sort of gritty, blue-collar, blue-collar American city. Broad shoulders. The city, yeah, the city of broad shoulders, which, you know,

in a fully naked situation will make the penis look smaller, but actually measured up with a reasonable slice of the male population. It's actually average or above average. You know, funny story. It's actually called the windy city, because everyone who lives there is so obese, they're

always farting. It is, it is an incredibly fat city. And that's like, I'm, I'm considering moving back just because it's like, I could gain 30 pounds and still be a fashion model there. It fucking rocks. It's the bad and the food really is the best. It's

a beautiful lifestyle. It's wonderful. Blessed. Well, so I, I want to take this opportunity to return to an old friend, a fan favorite. And the guy, I think we've actually only really highlighted despite, you know, being a large part of all of our brains for quite some time now. I think we've only ever highlighted

him once, and it was when we were in Chicago at the House of Blues. And I, of course, am referring to Chicago's finest opinion columnist, Tribune columnist John Cass. And I have, I've got a, I've got a wonderful John Cass op-ed for you today.

And I chose this one because like John Cass, they're hard, they're hard to do for a reading series because like, they're so predictable usually in that they're just like, he's venting his spleen at like the, the woke warriors or like the, that the mayor isn't, you know, putting homeless

people in camps or, you know, like his big thing now is George Soros, which is, you know, sort of see where that's going and he's getting some, getting some stick to that. But like the, the column that I read at our live show in Chicago was like, that's like the real beating heart of John Cass, like what

makes him like interesting and like a, like a, like a real alpha is the, is the, the sort of like the sadness that he, that he expresses about his own life. It's just sort of like the portrayal of just sort of one man's depression and kind of feeling of a, feeling of

loss and remorse. Not, I would say remorse, but like it's just, there's something very sort of poignant about him. Like I think the one I read was about like, you know, him, him just doing a barbecue and feeling sad because his kids don't talk to him or something like that.

No, it was, it was, it was that he couldn't have sausage because his doctors were like John, you can't have sausage for every meal. And it was like his family trying to get him to eat like raspberries or some shit. It's, he's like the most Alexander pain like of all columnists. Yeah, so that's a very

good, that's a very good, yeah. He's, I mean, he's like, I guess, like if you're doing this thing where it's like, oh, we need to de-platform people, like he would be up there because he's very racist and awful. But it's also like, I don't know, he speaks to a type

of Chicago guy where it's like, oh yeah, in 1974 I had this opportunity to invest in some land that later became like, you know, something around Damon, I could have made millions of dollars but instead I spent it on like a failed go cart investment

that I'm still paying the debt servicing on my kid, my kid went to mime school and he doesn't talk to me. I, the doctor, the doctor says I can't eat sausage literally for the rest of my life, just like

a baseline of sorrow and a feeling like you've lost it all. Yes, it's a feeling He's also like, he's like if you did multiplicity with Mike Royco, he's the fourth there. No, Felix, that's what I was looking to capture.

It's like, it's his expression of sorrow and loss that comes across. And I think like, you know, the reading series, the ones that I like the best are the ones in which the person gives you a glimpse into their life and portrays so much about it, like you're like, oh, I get it now. That explains

why all of their other opinions are so fucking wretched and like they seem like such evil miserable people. So, here is John, this is John Cass's, this is Colin a very recent one from just this past week. The column is titled Taking Zeus the

Wonder Dog for a Walk in Chicago to Avoid Politics So he's like, he's telling you, you know this is not a political column, this is a John Cass Place of Life column. And it begins here, a nice friend of me, I want to call Karen though her real name is Janet

is of the left and hates my take on politics. John Cass is snapping out white women. John Cass is done with Karen's this just fucking ham-faced 70 year old Greek man is just like, I'm done with white women, y'all. He says, though

Karen Janet lives in a woke world, she isn't completely irrational she does love my Cass onion soup and I can say I'm sure you're fucking you're fucking sorrowful soup that you just

eat on a July day just sweating more than normal this column was written in August I'm just like, imagine eating French onion soup in the middle of August in Chicago I would love to just sit on John Cass's creaky back porch eating soup

in pure silence and it's only cut every like 10 minutes when he's like the rappers are getting more bold nowadays and you're like yeah, John, whatever. I don't know man, when it's 102 degrees with 100% humidity, I love a nice hot bowl of onion soup

but also it's like this is a person who's a this Karen, he isn't really defined like the extent of their relationship, he knows her well enough to know her politics and to know that she doesn't like him but like under what circumstances he offered her

French onion soup, the Cass onion soup, sorry. It's his mistress she's a 23 year old Paul student, she's smoking hot, she couldn't resist John just eating a sausage with his bare hands holding

it like a spear and just like just calling the police because he heard Old Town Road well I have to assume like every opinion columnist who writes about a person she does not exist. Oh yeah no, I think every opinion columnist is like I had an interesting

David Brooks, I had an interesting handsome cab driver the other day who said something that really opened my eyes like it's not bullshit, it's just they're sitting by themselves with their computer thinking about what are some scenarios where I could kind of look good yeah, I think you're

totally right, it was another John Caste where he just like spent seven hours moving in between the living room and his office and like if he saw anyone in between during that journey he'd be like Lori Lightfoot's gonna make antifa

Cook County Commission and they would just go oh that's good John and he was like oh what if I was talking to somebody I agree with you the opinion columnist thing in these scenarios that they talk about is they are imagining a scenario

that didn't happen in which they will look good or insightful or like a bus driver told me that I had my head on straight or whatever but what I like about Caste is that he invents scenarios in which he only looks bad and awful so he goes on

and he writes here she might consider me intelligent perhaps even virtuous if I ignore politics and stick to her approved topics like those outstandingly delicious peaches of Calhoun County and then in a parenthesis as a diabetic I can't eat them anymore

or gardening or gardening I don't have a garden ending anymore oh my wife took the garden wife took my ability to process sugar this is like you know how like

American conservatism is different from European conservatism because it's psychotically optimistic and European conservatism is like all is lost like Europe Europe is lost jungle begins in Calais we can only stand against the immigrant hordes but our way of life is over

my grandchildren won't even recognize the life I lived like it's marked by this Dower pessimism John Cass is like probably the only American conservative who's like who's like that he's like yeah Peter Hitchens no yeah but like it like this but because he's from Chicago and not not England

it's like like the sausage eating column it's like it's about like just every last ounce of joy being drained out of his life like a cyst or something and he's bringing it up I wish he could talk I love her outstanding peaches can't eat them anymore

or I'll die I would love I would love to grow them in my own garden don't have a garden anymore no garden no garden all right so um going on here he goes uh happily Karen Janet will allow me to write about walking Zeus the wonder dog

and my anguish about where to deposit the presence he leaves when we're far from home so I got ready to leave the Chicago three flat we live in now to take Zeus for a walk in the city of my birth and worry about how to properly allocate her his resources later

don't forget the blue plastic bags Betty said if you don't pick it up the rats will come that he doesn't know how to pick up dog shit I swear to God that line here if you don't pick it up the rats will come it that's like out of kormick mccarthy that sounds good kormick

mccarthy novel and just it's like it's very short sentence this very like harshly punctuated vision of of just doom it's the last thing charlie said to vego in the room this is I like I the rats are coming john yeah he deserves

an award not for the reasons he thinks but he does I was just gonna say he meant he really is like so chicago you guys know who mike roico was right yeah roico right he really is trying to be he was trying to be like the next roico and roico had this very curmudgeon

lee very you know kind of sour point of view but he also had some kind of joie de vivre like there were some things that made roico happy you know yeah they were kind of pedestrian bullshit like like you know billy goats

or like a whatever a cubs win but like he had bright points in his life that he can kind of move to so it made it more palatable even though I wasn't a huge fan it made it more palatable when he kind of talked about how you know hell and shillers should be executed

but this cast has none of that happiness none of that light it's all just like every column is just fml yeah just fuck my life it's shit every like roico like yeah I didn't agree with him about a ton but it's like he had this sort of

sense of humor and there is this ambient sense that he talked to other people with cast it's just like being alone all day being like what if I met a fucking woman's March bitch she's like just like dated

and sad and lonely like I don't get the sense that he talks to anyone no he also he's whenever he is walking and he sees teenagers approaching he prepares to be a victim of the knockout game yeah 100% it's just a life of a life of boredom

and terror and not being able to eat sausage anymore yeah so his wife says if you don't pick it up the rats will come realizing what she just done my wife turned to our sons I shouldn't have said that now he's going to use that one yeah said one

son he's going to use that one the other was eating bacon too polite to speak with his mouth full this is like this is just just this scene he's creating here is just so bleak he goes yes I'm using my humongous

sons just glumly agreeing what a boring terror I am in the household and the other was eating the bacon I cannot eat no he gets worse he goes yes I'm using that quote why because Betty gives me no

comment on too many subjects and I'm a journalist he's talking about his wife when we move back into the city from the suburbs I promise this would be our time of romance and adventure we'd rediscover our city together find weird neighborhood shops

tiny storefront ethnic restaurants have more than a few drinks at various taverns and walk home at night yet within days came the government coronavirus shutdown the restaurants died and the shops closed the cops exhausted after being shrieked at by

politicians and protestors went into summer hibernation we couldn't use the lakefront we watched the protestant looting on TV we followed looting on the neighborhood police scanner as a type one diabetic I had to isolate everything was politics and more

politics this mother f*****g moved back to Chicago in like two days later Corona now he's trapped in a tiny apartment he's like f*****g I should be back in Palatine I had a f*****g garage he is he is like his f*****g great grandfather

wronged some Albanian wizard and now the bloodline is cursed what a nightmare what a f*****g nightmare life it's just like yeah his humongous son is just silently mouthing bacon while he like stares daggers

at his wife that he's gonna like slag off in a f*****g column then he's just like I thought this was going to be our time of romance and adventure oh my I can no longer leave just a cursed mark on his bloodline forever

he goes up but we did see a spectacular non-political site in March on a cold frozen morning a tiny tree stood in an alley about four feet high it's bare branches festooned with blue ornaments people had tied their little blue

dog bags to the branches they hung weighted in the wind like so many broken promises is he describing is he describing seeing again like a freezing cold Chicago March morning like it's like a dead tree

in an abandoned lot which people have tied dog bags full dog s**t to finally some good news which hang like so many broken promises and then he goes on to talk about his dog if this wasn't depressing enough he says here poor Zeus

is going gray quickly he's not as lively as he once was he still wants to chomp rabbits and squirrels he still has the dreaded German short hair pointed wine but he's not used to feral cats Zeus ambled down the sidewalk looking for

romantic political signs to decorate when he stopped abruptly and did his other business he wore that embarrassed facial expression dogs use so you won't look at them I didn't look and like any responsible rat hating citizen of Chicago I use the plastic bag

when I leaned over to pick up his present a weird thought came to me I've got to register to vote in Chicago so some well-meaning political organization may harvest my ballot offering perhaps a nice precinct captain will fill out my ballot for me let's hope the harvester has used envelopes

not bags we were about a half mile from home so I looked behind me in case any Karen Janet was walking I quickly dropped it into someone's garbage can in the alley some hate this some don't care some think I should carry it all the way home I almost called the city

department of streets and sanitation for a ruling but the Chicago way dictates that you never ask for permission only forgiveness if I'm wrong on common law draw me a note I sat on a public bench on a public street lit a fine Maduro and waited to be arrested for cigar crime

then just then this is this is 100% what you would find in like the journal of a mass murder like it's it's it's it's like completely it's like psychopathic there's nothing just then a Cook County judge called

he wanted to talk about my column not the one about the vacuum of Joe Biden's eyes as he savers Banana Republic pudding but the other one the one about Mayor Lori Lightfoot losing the city while being hung out to dry on the crime wave by other Democrats including J.B.

Pritzker and Cook County board president Tom Tony Perot Preckwinkle I said how you doing judge this judge isn't one of them is this judge Holden he's talking to we have a we have suspended columnist John Cass for living in a different reality

that started in 1989 when he opened to curse trinket in a shop at Old Town I'm so sorry what is Banana Republic pudding it's just a little phrase that's his little flair he thought he's like am I losing my readers discussing this

discussing this um cold baton death march with my dying dog picking up shit as I stare emptily into like the fucking lake wondering why I can't do anything and why there is no happiness left for me in life I know I'll just give I'll just drop a little

like that so he goes here this judge isn't one of those social justice warrior judges who lets violent arrestees out on little or no bail and that idiotic electronic home monitoring program this is a real drug judge out of favor with chief

judge Tim home monitoring Evans Cook County state attorney Kim don't lock him up Fox and her political boss Preck Winkle who still sees it losing the mayor election to lightfoot and clearly believes that revenge is a dish dish best serve coal looking behind me for any

Karen Janitz I confess to the judge what I've done with Zeus's blue poop bags was I on the right side of the law dropping them in someone's garbage can in an alley or was I an offender you're within the bounds of the law the judge said the garbage cans are public property you can put your dog poop in there

but be discreet about it don't make a big thing out of it some people can get upset I don't want to upset anyone not even Karen Janet I just don't want to carry at home that John Cass ladies and gentlemen the rats are coming what are you supposed to take away

the rat like yeah what you're supposed to take away from it is the rats are coming and I don't know what to do but I just don't want to carry this bag of dog shit home with me I don't want to bring the dog shit into my house

it's such a tenuous way to get into all it's like I want him though in every column now to start off by talking about a pet like bodily problems and then like I was expressing my cat's asshole and then I thought about JB Pritzker

I like the idea that his house is just like a zoo of dying animals my snake shed its last skin anyway so here's where the National Guard should shoot to kill in Cook County I don't know

if I was this editor what would I tell him other than like you know you can just go to be euthanized in Denmark if you want I want Warner Herzog to make a full documentary on him oh my god yeah he's the only man with the depth to understand the pain and the sorrow

I'm going to read him every week now yeah he doesn't know how artistic this is I feel like he doesn't know quite how depressing it is but holy shit yeah that was

I got to call my okay guys I think that's it on that note of uplift and merriment is I think a good place to end the show for this week but I want to thank once again Ike Berenholz

thank you so much for coming thank you so much I love you guys I listen to it I watch Matt's live streams I do it all I said to my wife one night I go this guy right now just made a really good point I want you to watch it

he's wearing a Packers hat and I think he might be on acid but I want you to watch it no reason not to take it seriously you guys are amazing man thanks so much

cheers everybody goodbye