Chapo Trap House - 548 - Just Kids from New York (8/9/21)

Episode Date: August 10, 2021

We review Obama’s 60th Birthday Bash on Martha’s Vineyard, which we were all of course invited to. Then, we take a look at the ongoing “Havana Syndrome” phenomenon, in which U.S. intelligence operatives continue to report un-diagnosable symptoms supposedly generated by a non-existent superweapon. Finally, we take a look back at everyone’s early pandemic “cuomosexual” phase.

Alright, first things first, Felix, what is going on with your mic setup? Um, it broke. I put tape on it. Alright, cause I gotta say like, while we were recording the David Dayan interview, like most of the time I was just like, I was trying to focus, but I was just looking at you, trying to just like, just sticking the mic, like it was just you playing with the mic the whole time, man. Yeah, well I fixed it.

It reminded me of one of your apes doing like an enrichment activity. Yeah, that's what I was doing. I mean, like, it's like, imagine if you had a beautiful animal, like a Largibbon, uh, you know, be on Zoom, he would need something, he would need an activity, and for me it's fixing the mic. I can't do that anymore, cause I've already fixed it. I have a new mic stand, but I like, I just like didn't have time to set it up. I was doing my favorite other enrichment activity earlier today, which is breaking down cardboard

boxes. Oh, that's fun. There's a lot of stuff you can do, there's a lot of different ways you can do it. A lot of people go in and they don't get the proper enrichment, and then they're anxious and like won't eat their meals or breed, because they've only been doing it the one way, like cutting the one end. But it's, there's so many directions you can go in, and they are as varied and different and beautiful as there are different types of cardboard boxes.

I mean, do you use, do you use a box cutter or just your hands? I use it. You just like, just rip it apart. I use a USMC K-Bar Tonto. Do you want to see it? Yeah, let's see it. Alright, hold on. Yeah, this is it.

That's a cardboard box would not, would not put up much of a challenge for that thing. As you guys know, I was like pretty into the idea of buying an actual sword that was used by a samurai until I found out they're like a million dollars. And you know, I have to, I have to wait till I'm on staff at this is us until I can buy one. But I wanted like a tactile object, you know, I wanted like something. And I also, you know, I break down boxes, you know, that's one of my activities. And so I got this, this is like $70.

And I've like, I've gotten way more than $70 out of enjoyment out of this beautiful black blade. Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but wasn't this the exact same Navy Seals type of knife that you bought when you were 14 and then your mom took away from you because you shouldn't be having enrichment activities like that? Well, that was a different type of knife. This is used by just regular Marines who I think kind of suck, and I'm probably getting way more done with the knife than I ever did.

But that knife I got was a Navy Seal knife and it was very cool. And I would, yeah, stimulate like, was it Tommy Lee Jones and Benicio del Toro movie where the hunted, the hunted, I was like, basically stimulating that alone in my room. Well, I see like you're using the same blade technique, which is like you're, you're gripping it like holding the blade by the top rather than so the blade is like under your hand then, you know, that there's a lot of good interesting techniques you can use for that. Well, that's like, that's what I was doing when I was 14, but unfortunately, like once, you know, my mom saw it in the room, she took it and you can't really bitch about that as

a child. I think I was even younger. I think I was like, well, it's like, I was like, well, I can't really complain about this. I guess I really shouldn't be having that. But you know, now I have this, she can't like take it away from me unless she comes to visit. She would do that, it'd be powerless.

But you know, you see how good I am with it now. Imagine if the knife hadn't been taken from me at that young age and I got a few decades of practice. You would be a blade master. Yeah. You would be the hunter, not the hunted. Well, that's life, you know, you can't, you know, some people have a college sports injury. You know, some people, you know, that they, someone blew an air horn when they were taking

the LSATs and they were going to be the greatest lawyer of all time. It didn't happen. You know, some people, blah, blah, blah, they made the greatest play of all time and Lou Holtz set them up for pressure charge to kick them out. You know, for me, it's like being the world's greatest bladesman. But you can't let that get you down. You just got to keep going, you know, 30 is the new 20, 60 is young, 80 is the new middle age.

You just got to keep going and you can be a 75 year old, you know, YouTube knife fighter by the time that comes out. Well, you just got to, got to keep breaking down those boxes, just, you know, you just got to like, just, just keep breaking them down. They're going to pile up eventually, but, you know, life will give you a knife to deal with that problem. It's funny you said that, like, you know, 60 is the new 30. I was actually, I was just out for lunch with Catherine and there was this guy on the street

who was just, like, we noticed he was just sort of standing alone, just sort of dancing by himself. And then he started raising the roof. He was raising the roof and just sort of talking to himself and then like as he sort of walked down the street past us, he was, he was hyping himself up and I was like, I wonder what this guy's on about. It seems to be having a good time. And then he just says, tell me life doesn't begin at 60.

Show me a motherfucker who says life doesn't begin at 60. Point him out. Point him out to me and just walked away. And I was like, this is inspirational. I'm coming up on a birthday tomorrow. So Jesus. Well, I'm already 63 years old, so I agree with him, but he's responding to my previous viral ad campaign.

You should kill yourself when you're 60. I no longer stand by that. I no longer believe that. He was going to challenge you to a knife fight. Yeah. And he's probably pretty good. Like raising the roof is the same muscle group as knife fighting. If you're confident enough to raise the roof out in public, you know, who knows what you

can do with that blade. Well, well, fellow, fellow, fellow bladesmiths, fellow knife fighters, uh, it's Chapo, uh, we're back. Hey guys, but man, I am tired this weekend was a blast. That's right. I'm talking about Martha's Vineyard, Obama's 60th birthday party. We got the invite and it was a rager. It was a party to be remembered.

I'm, I'm still getting over it. I am, I am gassed, but we are, we are still bringing you this episode despite all the fun we had this weekend with the former president on his Martha's Vineyard compound. But boys, wouldn't you know it, a lot of people are salty that they got axed from the invite list. Oh, haters. Sorry. Sorry.

You weren't there. Sorry. You weren't there to enjoy the heaping helpings of major. I'm still, I'm still walking off all the major I ate at that party. Larry David was, you know, summarily executed at the party. They kicked him out. I like, man, do we know, do we have a full list of like the musical acts because you know the common perform the gap song, the gap hoodie rap, which is Obama's favorite song.

And then he just busted out the, uh, the Microsoft commercial. Yeah. Just started yelling, we're living the future we always dreamed of. That is probably the bullshit Obama listens to. Yeah. He's just like nodding his head like that's right. We are. We're living in that.

It was, it was fucking sick. I mean, like I loved, I love the different colored themed rooms. The ebony clock centerpiece was fucking amazing. You know, when Chrissy Teigen fucking got up on stage and did some like live roasts of a teenager until they cried, you know, that was, she did some crowd work that had me in stitches. I was, I was invited. I couldn't make it.

I think it looked like pretty fun. You know, you saw from Erica, it is interesting. I couldn't believe that Erica Badoo was there, you know, but it like, you know, parties a party and, uh, Obama looked like he was shooting electricity on the dance floor. Everyone was wearing a tan suit. It was wonderful. Well, uh, I, I come back, I come back from, from, from the vineyard. And what do I see?

It's covers in the New York times of what is going on with Obama's 60th birthday, Pash. The former president scaled back the guest list for his party on Martha's vineyard. Who's in, who's out? I mean, if you have to ask that question, you're out. You're out loser. Well, so Larry David and David Axelrod were axed apparently. Yeah. No.

Yeah. I mean, David Axelrod, that kind of like rubs me the wrong way because it's like, not that I like David Axelrod, but it's like a he's like thinks the exact same stupid shit that Obama thinks. And like David Axelrod was there from the start. David Axelrod was driving that limo in Peoria. It's like, this is like a Jay-Z and Dame situation. Yeah.

Well, I mean, that's who little bungler is. He wanted to become, he wanted to become president so he could hang out with famous people. So that's what he did. That's some fucking loser politics nerds. That's what that's what sucks about Obama though. The most is like he, he did sell his soul, hang out with famous people, but like the famous people he wants to hang out with are like Chris Martin and like the bassist from the national and common.

I mean, I've seen, I've seen a lot of people, you know, specifically point to not just David Axelrod, but like much of his former White House staff did not get the invite to the party after the guest list was pared down. And a lot of people were saying, oh, like there's something, I don't know, a bit classless about that to, you know, cancel David Axelrod's invite who, you know, worked closely with Obama for like well over 20 years and probably more than any one individual is, you know, helped and is responsible for his success and him being president. But you know, if you're going to choose between them and I don't know, Bruce Springsteen

or Don Sheetal, I mean, who would you, who would you invite to your party? I mean like Springsteen, sure, but like Don Sheetal, he was in, come on, he was in Ocean's 11. That's true. I mean, did any of the, any of the Johns make it, I mean, with Axelrod, you can understand because when Axelrod was rolling loud last week, he said some very homophobic things. He said, put your lanyards in the air if you don't have HIV, ladies, if your pussy smells like a cozy salad bowl, put your fucking phones in the air.

But everyone else, like I presume Dan Pfeiffer, if Axelrod didn't make it, Dan Pfeiffer definitely did it. Tommy V. Tore definitely didn't, you know, did any of the podjohns make it? Do we have any confirmation on that? Well, I mean, let's go through this article here. I mean, the New York Times is on the case. It says here, Jay-Z and Beyonce were still in as of Friday. David Axelrod and Larry David were out.

Former President Barack Obama's 60th birthday has been anticipated as the biggest social event of the summer for alumni of his administration and friends of the Obama family. A celebrity-studded garden party at Mr. Obama's $12 million, Martha's Vineyard mansion. But this week, some invitees were treated to a cold dose of reality when they were abruptly cut from the guest list, while some of the boldest names were not. The party, the uninvited were told, had been scaled back because of growing concerns about the spread of the Delta variant of the coronavirus. And what seemed like fodder for a future episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm, Mr. David, the comedian

and Martha's Vineyard homeowner, was executed. No, sorry. Uninvited. I mean, the New York Times, I mean, they say uninvited, but, you know, let's be honest, they're working hand in glove with Theo Bungler to cover up the fact that, yes, they did take Larry David and put him in the Wicker Man as Chrissy Teigen and John Legend set him ablaze while they all sung a song. And that was, and thank you, Beyonce.

But, yeah, so let's see here. So were the majority of former Obama administration officials who had been looking forward to the reunion after an isolated year and who generally credit themselves with helping create the Obama legacy that has allowed the former president to settle in so comfortably with the A-list crowd. Well, OK, then you did your job. Sorry you didn't get the invite. You created the legacy so that he can hang out with Bruce Springsteen and now he's doing

just that. So sorry you couldn't come out for him. Don't be petty about this. This was what you worked for. Congratulations. You got it. Just looking him out there. Looking him out there.

He's doing the dougie with Bob Dylan. You love it. You're very happy that this is happening. Obama would run over a grandparent with a monster truck to shake hands with Nora Jones. That's just who he is. You know, you can't get mad. That's like what the Scorpion says. Rock me like a hurricane.

I really wanted to meet the guys from Five for Fighting. I couldn't imagine not hanging out with David Boreniz, or whatever the fuck that guy's name is, from Bones. I had to drink an Amstel with Mark Pryor. Sorry, fuck you. There was some solace among the government wonkset that they weren't the only ones no longer welcome at porch drinks with Eddie Vedder, who was still expected to extend as a, attend as a Friday.

The late night talk show host David Letterman and Conan O'Brien were also cut from the guest list. But on Saturday, as the celebrities began descending on the island, every new paparazzi shot sent a wave of hurt feelings through the Obama alumni network, who had been cut and were left to track the party via tabloids. Celebrity couples Chrissy Teigen and John Legend, as well as Dwayne Wade and Gabrielle Union were photographed arriving on the island ahead of the party, alongside actor John Don Sheetal and comedian Stephen Colbert.

Even a Real Housewives of Atlanta star Kim Fields was photographed flying into the island. I mean, look, I know they say Hollywood is a DC for ugly people, but like once you transcend that, like you can be among Hollywood, which is Hollywood for hot, attractive, cool people. And yeah, your, your invite is getting lost in the mail. Sorry everyone who created, helped create Obamacare. Yeah. Did you see who did make it though? My man, John Kerry.

Really? Yeah. Obama was cutting all these people who have literally been with him since he was like a state senator. Like, fuck you. Sorry. Bye. Fuck you.

And then he sees John Kerry's name and he's like, no, he has to make it. I have to drink molly water with John Kerry. Well, he is. He's coming. I don't remember though. I mean, he is the warlord of Massachusetts. I mean, like, if, if he didn't invite him to an event on Martha's vineyard, he could call in the sea gods to destroy him.

Yeah. No, John Kerry would call in like remnants of the Spanish. It would be like, you know, when in Lord of the Rings, when Aragon has the ghost army. Yeah. I think John Kerry has that. Yeah. Except it's all, it's just, it's just the three guys who died in the perfect storm. It's just those three guys backing them up.

It's everyone who's ever died in the Heinz factory. Well, I was going to say another reason to invite John Kerry to your party is that his wife is like the plug of all plugs when it comes to sauces and things that, things to dip a little, you know, a little, little hidden hot dog in. Would you like, would you drink like a form of lean where they replace the sprite with ketchup because that's what John Kerry is bringing to the table? Do I think I would, you know? I would give it a shot for sure.

No. I don't really like sprite. So, you know, and imagine how gross it would be if it was dirty. Well, thank you, future says here, Mr. Obama's decision to cut back the reported 475 person guest list, a number that made Mr. Obama's camp, sorry, a number that Mr. Obama's camp never officially confirmed was made almost a week after President Biden effectively conceded that the pandemic had come roaring back and the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention said the Delta variant was as contagious as chickenpox and more likely to break through

vaccine protections than all other known versions of the virus. But as masks were put back on in many cities and anxieties rose, details of Mr. Obama's party continued to drivel out. Steven Spielberg was on the guest list the New York Post reported along with Bruce Springsteen, Mr. Obama's fellow Spotify-sponsored renegade and George Clooney, an unsubstantiated rumor that Pearl Jam was to perform had to be officially knocked down by both a band representative and Mr. Obama's own planners. Part of a meat-free menu was being coordinated by the musician Questlove, a detail reported

Friday by Bloomberg News. This sounds like the shittiest part of it. This sounds like shit. Not even if you've got to have hot dogs, fuck off. No hidden hot dogs. Just for all that Heinz Kessler. What are you, what are you, I take it back, what are you using Teresa Heinz for if it's going to be a vegetarian menu?

What are you dipping? Did you hear that like Nancy Pelosi got disinvited and then they ran into each other? Yeah, and she showed up anyway. No, I don't know if she showed up at the party, but like, yes, she was photographed on Martha's Vineyard where she was just like, I'll be damned if I'm not going to the island this weekend. I'm going to let these assholes know. I'm doing just fine.

I'm having a great time. She probably walked from Marin County, like junior in season five, she was just walking around like looking for Barbara Mikulski's dad. She was trying to walk to Baltimore. My dad used to run this town. What? Are you lost, lady? I do like though this is because it's like, you know, like the decision to pair back the

guest list, the reason that all his, you know, all his day ones got, got the acts was because they were like, oh God, you know, is it going to look bad that we're having a birthday party for the number one special boy in the world turning 60 on his $12 million estate and Martha's Vineyard that's filled with celebs and glitz and glamour at this exact moment. And it's just sort of like, let my man cook, let him shine, right? I mean, yeah, no, this didn't make me think that Obama's a bad person. I already thought that and if you like Obama, this isn't really going to change your opinion on him.

And like the COVID shit with it is like, okay, well, like even if you, okay, even if you don't have this, like people are still going to fucking bars. People are still, you know, you're not, you're really not putting the Delta variant toothpaste back in the tube. I don't think. I think it's a bit, probably a bit too late. I presume everyone there like got vaccines, you know, live your life, but it's a perfect Obama thing because I guess if you have, I get 500 people there.

You look like an ostentatious asshole, but if you have like 200, you look normal. God, that was so like, yeah, we're going to withdraw from Afghanistan. And then the general said, you, we actually need 40,000 more troops. And so instead of either doing that or committing to withdrawal, he goes, how about 20,000? Exactly. How about we do a thing that doesn't actually accomplish anything? Oh, it looks bad to have this fucking ostentatious Bakhan Ali in the middle of a fucking pandemic. What if it was slightly less ostentatious?

We're only going to have one guy who's wearing a goat head instead of seven. Okay. Okay, man. Like it's like, no, yeah, you're still, you're still a fucking asshole. You're still like just a completely cold blooded, like awful person who's like fucked over so many people who you've met along the way. You've fucked over so many Americans. I don't think you're a better guy for scaling back 300 people.

And if you're going to be that guy, be that guy. No, I mean, you're exactly right. I think it would have been pretty cool if, uh, if Reverend Wright had just shown up in the fan man outfit, kicked fucking a scissor, kicked Alicia keys in the head and just said, God damn America. Reverend Wright is man. I mean, that was, that was, that was everything you needed to know about the O'Bungler. Yeah.

It was when he, when he cut his throat, that's like, okay, this guy has no heart at all. Squeeze that guy. Fucking dry. Reverend Wright, you are invited to my birthday party. I don't think you'll actually really want to come, but like, I think you rock, sir. Well, I'm also, I'm also a respected political figure from Hyde Park, Chicago, Illinois. Well, you're right. This, the, you know, the, uh, the decision to, you could either go ahead and continue

to have your celebrity birthday bash or cancel it. And yeah, this is the perfect Obama moment because it's not like, I mean, because he, this makes you look like more of an asshole. Yeah. The story is about how when it, so you wanted the party to go ahead, so you're like, okay, well, let's just, um, uh, let's just, just cut the guest list in half and just like, you know, only invite the people we really care about. And it's not the guy who helped you become president.

It's, um, it's Dwayne Wade. It's Dwayne Wade and Eddie Vedder of Pearl Jam. Yeah. A lot of people like, a lot of people who have known Obama for like 30 years just got the fucking axe for like USA network stars. That's him. That's Obama, man. I mean, I guess it's some ways this is the perfect celebration of him.

Uh, it says here, um, still Democrats supportive of the former president privately expressed surprise at the casual disregard for optics and wondered why it took until just days before the party for Mr. Obama to change course. For his part, Mr. Obama was soliciting advice from his most trusted advisors about what the best path forward was for revamping a costly, logistically complicated party that had been months in the making. The former president had baseball caps made for the occasion that read 44 at 60. He also hired a COVID coordinator or complex officer to ensure the same.

What a fucking loser has the better like aesthetics and an understanding of wordplay than that. What a fucking loser. I know he's like a multimillionaire with like a loving family who is president, but like just in his heart, what a fucking loser. Yeah. Because he cares about these assholes like him. That's it. That's it.

That sucks, man. That is pathetic at that point. That sucks, man. To care that much about this shit. Uh, going on, he says Valerie Jarrett, one of Obama's closest friends and advisors, was in favor of scaling back the party, according to people familiar with the planning. Mr. Obama, those people said, agreed that if his party was becoming a distraction from the White House's messaging that everybody needed to get vaccinated and take extra precautions,

he would adjust his plan. I fully support President Obama's decision, Ms. Jarrett said. So did many residents of the island. A lot of Islanders were very upset at the prospect of hundreds of people coming over for a party, said Rose V. Styron, the poet and widow of the novelist, William Styron, who said that he had been, she had been invited to a Friday night Obama birthday kickoff at the Winnetou Oceanside Resort. Everyone is getting very nervous about getting together at all.

Wow. That's a real Sophie's choice. Am I right? Woo! Um, but you know, I, I, I, I just like the idea that it's like, well, God, I mean, I wouldn't want my birthday party to get involved in the way of Joe Biden's agenda. Like, like, that's why he, that's why he made this decision a day or two before the beginning.

Because like, Obama doesn't give a shit about Joe Biden's agenda. No, no. I mean, it just like, he's like, oh, wait, there's gonna be, oh, this might make, this might make us look bad. And it's just like, you know, it's funny that Chrissy Teigen and John Legend were there because like Chrissy Teigen has like ruined her life because she's like convinced that like people do care if she's an asshole to people on Twitter where it's like, no, you're rich.

You're on the fucking guest list to Obama's birthday party. Like there's nothing you can do that really will, I don't know, turn people against you or that like really matters. Like you can just be evil. You can just enjoy being like a rich person who goes to parties like this when Martha's vineyard. I, yeah, I, I mean, like, I, I don't really, in the grand scale things, I don't give a shit if she's personally nice or not.

You know? It's like, if you're, if you're going to Obama's party, I think I've kind of figured out what type of person you are. Yeah. And, and the whole thing with like, yeah, the optics with COVID, I mean, yeah, I guess, but you're seeing what happens with everyone. Everyone has their thing that they think is everyone gets, everyone passes certain income level gets to live like 70 to 80% of their original life in what you call an American

lockdown where everyone thinks their 70 or 80% is more justifiable than the next person's. If it's not, I have an excuse. I have a reason to do this. Right. If it's not going to a fucking bar and restaurant, they're still open, it's, you know, traveling a few times a year. And yeah, at the end of the day, that's what we were always going to do.

No, I mean, it just, it does seem like if they're, if they're, if they're stressing about the optics of this, which, you know, I understand, like, I mean, it's sort of like, it seems ridiculous, but like, if you're in their position, optics is really all you have to work with. Because, you know, like, as we said, like every other solution seems to have been like already vetoed, or just like, you know, not a possibility. So if optics are all you're left with, yeah, then I agree, having a big fun birthday party for all your friends, and while at the same time, you're telling people to put masks back

on and like, you know, cut back on their summer plans or whatever. Yeah, I can imagine that that would be a problem for the Biden administration and the Democrats in general. But I just, did you guys see, from the, from the, from the memo, from the desk of the former president, Donald Trump, he had a statement this weekend where he was like, could you imagine if a coronavirus pandemic happened on my watch? I love him, too. He was like, could you imagine if you were seeing this under when I was, if I was, if

I was still president, like how the media would be covering it? He's been awesome lately. Like when he was like, I developed the vaccine, I did a perfect job at that. I was really happy with the vaccine itself, but like now people don't want to take it because like Joe Biden is so weird. Well, I think that's a great tip. I don't know. I think when he, the thing he said made sense to me, he said, I made this perfect vaccine,

but now the government that's telling you to get it is the same one that stole the election from me. And the thing is, what, what is the percentage of Republican voters who think the election was stolen, like 80 or something like that? Like they, they do think that a giant fraud was just perpetrated on them. And then right on the heels of it, the illegitimate government tells you to get a vaccine. You're going to have to, as a matter of like identity and principle and all the things that we wrap up and like the thin, the very thin shred of like personal autonomy that

we get is wrapped up in things like this, we're not going to do it. We're going to say no because they fucking stole the election. Why the hell wouldn't they give us a 28 weeks later zombie juice instead of a, instead of a vaccine? That's why I do really wonder what would have happened with the vaccine if Trump had a one because you already saw when he was flogging the vaccine right before the election, some of the, like the, the people who got into Q and stuff from, you know, health and from wellness communities feeling betrayed.

And I do wonder how, how they would manage the dissonance of that, of like him and him, him embracing this thing that in every other respect has all of the markings of something that is the work of their enemies and that they should work speed, operation work speed created the beautiful, wonderful virus vaccine for this deadly virus that everyone who is inclined to give Trump credit for that already believes is like the mark of the beast. So he's just like, look, I know the number, the number of the beast, you will need it to buy or sell anything. And that's because of me.

Where do I get, where's my credit? Where's my birthday party? And that's not funny about Trump is that like, like exactly like Obama, all he wanted out of being president was to be liked and respected by people like Bruce Springsteen, Eddie Vedder and Dwayne Wade. And he was always pissed because he had to put up with like the fucking dog, the bounty hunter and John Voight. Yeah.

Yeah. Diamond and silk. No. I mean, they are, they're Goofy's and Gallant, but after the same goal, Obama just did it in the correct most efficient way. And like Trump did it in the way that like kind of a child does it where you're just like yelling at someone to be your friend, like, no, Don Cheadle, you have to like me. I just like, last time from this New York Times article here, I thought it was very

telling. It says, unlike Mrs. Tyron, Mr. Taylor says he's been looking forward to the party. He has 20 plus acres of land and everyone was going to be outside. He said, you're dealing with a sophisticated, you're dealing with a sophisticated crowd. I think the concerns were a little bit overblown. Look, this is a, this is a sophisticated crowd. It's a 20 acre estate. So you know, these small minded concerns about COVID and hypocrisy and things like that don't

really apply. They drink their greener chrome smoothies with their pinky extended. All right, well, uh, so yeah, that's the, that's the Obama birthday party news. Um, like I said, we had, I had a great time. So me, me too. Yeah. Wish I could have made it. Um, all right, well, moving on, uh, there's another story from the New York Times this

week I want to talk about. This is a, uh, uh, this is, this is, this is the topic we've discussed before. I think it's like my, probably my favorite current ongoing story. I'm referring, of course, to the host of, uh, sympathetic ailments suffered by, uh, the strivers in our state department and CIA that is now referred to as Havana syndrome. Havana syndrome, this is a serious issue that, you know, more and more people are talking about and the government is getting more and more concerned in figuring out just what the hell is going on.

Now, I love this story because I, you know, I, I, I don't know who said this, but it's 100% true. The Havana syndrome is the cop who touches fentanyl and OD's story for deep state operatives. Yeah. Everyone has one. It's just like everything else, everything else. Everyone has their own ridiculous thing that they do that is a mirror image of itself. And like, and like the fentanyl OD stories are like every, or every bit is spurious.

And like I said, like, I love this New York Times story just because of like, it basically says like in the first paragraph that like, despite the best efforts of every single person who's investigated this, uh, they're like, we can't, there's actually no evidence of this happening or like at least not microwave radiation being the cause of it. But the article then goes on to take all of it like very seriously. So let's just take a look into this article headline, mystery attacks on diplomats leave scores of victims, but still little evidence while the leading theory in the Havana syndrome cases is directed microwave attacks.

A classified session for senior government officials said months of investigation were inconclusive. Okay. So like that's the headline. And then the article is going to go on to treat this as anything other than inconclusive. Or just like, okay, well if everyone has looked into this and they found no evidence to suggest that our diplomats are getting shot with invisible microwave lasers, you'd think that they would have a little bit more skepticism.

But you know what? When these people whine, the New York Times listens because, you know, that's, that's how it works. So this year, President Biden's top aides were told on Friday that experts studying the mysterious illness affecting scores of diplomats, spies and their family members were still struggling to find evidence to back up the leading theory that microwave attacks are being launched by Russian agents. The report came in an unusual classified meeting called by the director of national intelligence

Averal D. Haynes, according to several senior administration officials who spoke on the condition of anonymity. The purpose of the meeting was to assess the investigations and efforts to treat victims of the so-called Havana syndrome, the unexplained headaches, dizziness and memory loss reported by scores of state department officials, CIA officers and their families. I mean like, I don't know, do you think there's a simpler explanation for why scores of CIA operatives and their families feel bad all the time? There is, yeah.

I think that's the next thing is just like people in the security apparatus, whether they're local cops or CIA operatives experiencing symptoms of depression or just panic attacks and blaming either fentanyl or Cuban microwave technology. Yeah, no one can accept that maybe the thing you're doing every day that make the world worse is also making you kind of sad. Nope. Nope. There's a Russian space laser.

And honestly, same thing with the electoral meddling theory, if the Russians are not only able to use Facebook ads to seize the presidency of the United States, but they can create a machine that has no scientific basis apparently, then we should just surrender to them. Yeah. What are we doing? What are we doing? I mean, even if this was real and they were doing this, like I wouldn't feel bad about them.

Don't go there. Don't go there. You're only going there to do bad stuff. No, if they actually had this and they were shooting it at you and they were giving you chronic Lyme disease, they'd be like, yeah, good. Yes. No, because at no point in any of these accounts of like, you hear like, oh, Russia has a secret microwave laser that they're using to cook the brains of our spies in Havana.

Well, it's like, at no point, when I hear that headline, I'm immediately getting excited because I'm thinking of the scene in Scanners where the guy's head explodes. And it's like, no, like, oh, yeah, they have a laser that makes you feel like, I don't know, like itchy, tired, mild memory loss, slight nausea, like weeks after you reportedly were encountered with it. It's just like, well, hey, I mean, that's not a very good fucking assassination device or, you know, piece of counter espionage or whatever. And two, it's like, how bad can I feel for the people involved here when these are the

fucking symptoms? I mean, it is funny to think that they spent, like, I would say, like, it's like, you know, I would estimate the cost of like developing and maintaining this weapon would be like two or three trillion dollars, spending two or three trillion dollars on like a special death ray that only gives you mild depression and diarrhea. It gives you an upset tummy for an evening. That would be, I mean, I'd like to see it. No, but again, I wanted to go to Cuba in order to smuggle genetically altered cane toads

into their sugar fields to destroy their crops. And for and for my efforts, I get to feel itchy and have a hard time falling asleep. Yeah, you should be. This is not justice. You've got to be happy. That's all you walk away with. You've got to have life. And Matt, to your point, like, I mean, this gets more apparent as the story goes on, but

like, exactly like the fucking Navy UFO disclosures, like, if this is Russian technology that has no technological or scientific basis that anyone can discern because it's like literally physically impossible and they have it and we don't, then fuck it. They won. I mean, like shit. Well, I hope this is like the basis for a war. I hope it like it takes nukes out of the equation because then I would be like solid snake.

They'd be like, you're the one man who's like had the most like ambient sort of bad feeling and most diarrhea because of military age. You have to go over there and face the diarrhea ray. Listen to this, though, it says, this is a top priority for the intelligence community. He said, this is Timothy Barrett, assistant director of national intelligence. We got nothing else going on. This is a top priority for the intelligence community. Hello day at work, we couldn't, we couldn't, we, you know, we couldn't win the big game

in Venezuela. I mean, honestly, like that fentanyl mostly sells itself at this point, a lot there. I mean, we've lost every big game except for, you know, fentanyl sales, none of our viral posts are really hidden anymore. I mean, the, the Cuba protests have gone away. No, no one's, that those literally, they're not happening anymore. No one gives a shit, you know, Israel isn't bombing Gaza anymore. So anti-Semitism ceased to be the top threat to the world in America.

That's gone away. Okay. What do we got here? Oh yeah, the microwave radiation. Listen to this. It says here, and we are supporting an NSC led effort to get answers, take care of our people and prevent future incidents. The meeting included Secretary of State Anthony J. Blinken, Attorney General Merrick B. Garland,

the CIA director, William J. Burns, and the FBI director, Christopher A. Ray. That those are like four of the most powerful people in our government having a special meeting about this made up nonsense. I, I can't imagine anything else that Maryland should be doing. I mean, it's not like the Biden's voters have been complaining about the main thing, voter suppression at all. I mean, like at least just fucking drop the case against NBA young boy, do something. I do love that.

No, he's going. He's doing this. I mean, what have like all of our top deep state demons coming together to like talk about, uh, operator more Jellons. Yeah. Yeah. Uh, the high ranking nature of the session was an indication of how quickly the attacks, which date to 2016 have risen from a medical mystery to an urgent national security issue.

Biden administration officials say they were shocked at how disorganized the government response was over the past four years, in part because there was no central way for departments to share reports of the episodes. And because many of the targets were intelligence officers whose identities and locations could not be revealed. I mean, I think like the main clearing house to these information were just like Facebook groups from like the, the wives of CIA guys, or they're like mums net for these people. And this is like, this is the, uh, this is the, this is their, their central warehouse

of data. And that is like saying that the CIA can't find the boogeyman because of how convoluted government procurement is. We're not communicating well enough to look under the bed at the right time under the under the Trump administration, nor ad has let their Santa, uh, which traces their Santa tracking program go to shit. We have no idea what he's up to. Yeah.

Well, yeah. Ever, yeah. Ever since 2018, like the CIA has lost track of slender man. He could be anywhere. It's really scary as I December, 2020 study of the causes by the national Academy of Sciences concluded that microwave attacks were the most likely, most likely the cause, but Biden administration officials say the group had no access to classified information. Yeah.

Because they're classified information. Yeah. They like, they like, I mean, like, I don't really care one way or the other. I hope this causes like a deep state war between like everything Q and not talked about where there was like a firefight in Germany where Gina has killed. I hope that actually happens between like the part of the CIA that's like, no, you guys are stupid. Like what the fuck are you talking about?

And then like the younger, the elder millennial CIA people who are like, no, I have chronic fatigue syndrome from the Cuban microwave. It's all going to actually happen. Like I did, like these are millennial spooks who are just like, I'm tired and like coming up with bogus diseases to get out of doing work. Yeah. I have the microwave syndrome. I can't come in today.

That's the next Ferris Bueller's Day off. It's about like a lucky CIA officer who wants to like go to an Atlantis Morissette concert. But he let you know they're like, no, we need you to like to fucking like blow up a Houthi kindergarten and he's like, oh, I've come down with microwave fatigue. At the meeting called by Ms. Haynes on Friday, the expert groups reported that the leading theory remained that microwave beams were aimed at government buildings and residences either as a part of an espionage effort or as a deliberate attempt to hit American officials with a debilitating, invisible and hard to trace weapon.

I'm sorry. That can't be the leading theory because the device does not exist. And by the way, at no point in this article do the New York Times seek comment from anyone who is an expert in the field of microwave emissions or radiation. It is exactly like the cop fentanyl thing. Like they'll say, oh, this cop looked at fentanyl and he fucking had a overdose. And then doctors will just say, that's impossible. And it just doesn't even enter into the fucking discussion at all.

But it's literally, there is no known method for that to happen. Like there is no known technological way to make this happen. I mean, yeah. I have a long illness from fumes from the infinite candy machine. Can you please research this? I mean, I like the theory offered by our good friend, Dan Kay, who's like every cop that OD's on fentanyl just did a line just to see what it would be like. And then it's just their friends covering for them and be like, oh, he was exposed to

it by accident. He just did it. They did a cheeky little bump and then fell out. And then they were like, oh, no, fuck. I do like the breakdown for cops and fentanyl. It's like some of them just want attention. They're not doing anything. They just want to like freak out and want everyone to give them attention.

Some of them are like just fucking headcases and they've heard other like bullshit stories about people collapsing from seeing fentanyl and they're like, oh, they just freaked out. And then the third is like what Dan said, you know, they're just fucking ripping a line. They're just drug addicts. Yeah. But yeah. But I think with the CIA, it's 100% people who want attention. Yeah.

Because I mean, yeah, these are the Ivy League striving type. I mean, like that's how you end up at an embassy in Havana or whatever. So like during the Cold War, right? And I would assume even to this day, like at like the major hotels of like every sort of like major capital city in the world, I would like, you know, I would, I would imagine that every suite has like multiple, multiple bugs planted there by numerous intelligence agencies, many of whom probably don't even exist anymore. But yeah, like they've got, they've got most of those nice rooms wired for sound in one

way or another. I do like the idea though that like the new thing now, I guess in, in Havana or if you're overseas is that they just build every hotel room is just actually just a microwave and like you open the door and like a minute counter starts and popcorn kernels in your pockets start going off. And you're sitting there in your bed, you're like, why am I turning? What's going on? Yeah.

It's like Kramer when he lived near the Kenny Rogers. They're just like, we don't know where we don't know where the microwaves are coming from. And yeah, your bed is turning around, a light goes on randomly. Yep. Like every educated person whose, whose live life depends on making the world worse. Also as a result of that has like an ambient sense of anxiety and feeling bad. And depending on what their job is and who their coworkers and what their context is,

you're going to find, find an explanation for it that does not actually address the cause. And if you're a, if you're a little CIA person doing, doing spy versus spy shit and you're pretending you're in a Le Carré novel, you know what it is? It's, it's a Russian space beam. That's got to be it. And then everyone else would be like, yes, that's exactly what it is. I know exactly what you mean.

I had that too. It goes, it says here, it is possible that this began as an espionage effort that turned into a stealthy means of attack, one former official with the investigation. So, sorry, one official familiar with the investigation said, the official noted that microwave technology had been used over the years by American adversaries to try to recreate documents by detecting the emissions of typewriters and then keyboard, computer keyboards and later to pick up cell phone communications. But the frustrating part is that there is still no definitive conclusion, the official

said that would enable the president to call out the Russians, the way he has with cyber attacks. So like, they're just having these like fucking like, like top level classified meetings with the head of the CIA, the head of the FBI, the head of the justice department and like the head of the national security council. So they're like, we just, we need to find an excuse believable enough to like blame Russia for this shit. And I like the comparison to the cyber attacks because apparently that when they saw each

other at the G seven, Biden told Putin what technological infrastructure was off limits to cyber attacks, which is pretty funny when you think about it. But I like that he's got these guys in the CIA who are telling the White House that Biden needs to sit down with Biden with Putin and say, okay, the following agents are off limits for making them sad with a robot. You cannot, you cannot use microwaves to make the following people sad. Below that, yes, but and but nobody above this level, you can make sad with an X-ray machine.

Like if you are a CIA, deep state, ghoul and operative, like, doesn't this shit embarrass you? Like, I mean, like during the Cold War, like if you were like in East Germany or something, they would just like capture you, torture you and then like put your body in a fucking like, in a fucking kilm and turn you into dust and no one would ever hear from you again. And now it's like their, their covert death weapon is just basically like a YouTube prank social experiment making, making CIA agents like have diarrhea. You know what I mean?

And like, and now that you have to complain about this publicly, I mean, like, even if you believe this were true, like, isn't there something to be said for putting up a sort of a, I don't know, a stoic front, especially when these stakes we're talking about are just literally like mild irritation and depression? Yeah, it's the last real weapon we have, though, is one. That's it. That's the only strategic. You would not see Ted Chackley do this.

You would not see Edwin P. Wilson do this. Edwin P. Wilson would have been like, oh, you gave me chronic fatigue with a microwave. I'm going to go get another bag. I'm going to make another few, few million selling some solubience. When these guys, when these guys felt like this, they could just say, oh, right, DT's. I haven't had a martini. Yeah, exactly. Well, maybe, maybe they've always had this and the only cure is to drink like two liters

of liquor a day. That's right. Yeah. Alcoholics. Yeah. And like the Russians and the Cubans were like just blasting Angleton's house with x-rays and they're like, what the fuck? It's like not doing anything.

It's like, oh, shit. He's in there. He's in there giving Kim Philby a pony ride and they don't mind at all. Like, oh, that's because they were pet. They were pickled in gin. Yeah. Just like, well lubricated with like three quarts of scotch a day. The microwave rays don't work.

Now the new type of person in the CIA is the person who's like, huh, signed that I'm officially 30. And I have two beers and I had a headache. It's like, drink more, you fucking pussy. Yeah. Shut up and drink. Yeah. You want to, you want to stand up to the Russians.

You want to defend democracy from like Facebook ads, fucking grab that gin pussy. Yep. No craft beers. That's like they're clear or brown alcohol. Their biggest indulgence is like craft beers and like a chopped creative salad company salad. That's not protecting you from x-rays like liquors from the earth. It's natural.

It's natural protection against x-rays. That's why the TSA doesn't let you be drunk in line because they want to kill you with x-rays. They fear the drunk American. I like it. If you go further into the article though, and it goes on and on, but at some point it just says, some officials suspect that along with Russia, Iran may be responsible for some attacks, but there is also focus on Cuba, China and other nations.

So it's like, okay, we've narrowed down the list of suspects here. Not only do we not know how these supposed invisible weapons exist, we don't even know what country is responsible, but we're pretty sure it's probably Russia, Iran, China and various other nations. Just fill it in there yourself. They all have access to this, this secret technology. So they all work together on like the only weapon of its type to ever exist and there were no leaks ever.

There were no reports about it. There was nothing about this like in the CIA. They weren't like, oh yeah, we forgot. They developed a secret like death depression weapon and China, Russia, Iran and Cuba all work together. Over the course of, this would presumably take like 30 years. No one heard anything about it ever. Yeah.

No defector said anything, nothing. Yeah. And the idea that like some super secret deadly weapon was developed for the purpose of assassination that like the CIA didn't have a hand in funding or using at some point. Even if the, you know, our ostensible enemies were also using it. Yeah. This is like, to believe them, this is like, you would find like the death ray weapon, the one of one, the only one of its kind that exists, the like theoretical energy weapon

that everyone's been trying to create and can't. You'd find it in like a locker on storage wars. Just lying around. Everyone just has one lying around. Everyone but us, we don't have one. We have no capability of like giving the Iranians depression. Yeah. I mean, and again, like it's so funny because, you know, when you think invisible microwave

ray, you obviously think death ray, like cool sci-fi shit. And this is not even anywhere within a thousand miles of that. Well, they probably, they probably saw like an interview with like some shitty comedian where he's like, I wouldn't wish depression on my worst enemy. But then they're like, oh, but I would start the research. Just closing out this article here, it says, speaking for the White House, a senior administration official said the National Security Council was leveraging a broad array of scientific and medical expertise from within the government and outside of it to explore multiple hypotheses

and generate new insights into the episodes to protect our personnel and identify who or what is responsible. One element of that effort, officials say, is to develop portable sensors that could be widely distributed to detect the task. But I mean, like just think about all the people who are going to now make money selling a fucking, like a hokum cure to detect the invisible microwave radiation that nobody can prove even exists in the first place. This is Jim Baker Apocalypse Bugs for fucking, yeah, for fucking Natsack Libs.

You know, go crazy, you know, buy all the fucking, buy all the repurposed ghost hunters equipment. I don't give a shit. But it is hard to ensure that the sensors will work, one official said, without any certainty that the microwaves are the cause of the unexplained illnesses. And even if they are the cause, the sensors would have to be able to pick up signals across a large part of the electromagnetic spectrum. Well, don't let that stop you.

Just now, in spurious microwave death ray sensor technology, protect yourself and your family on any overseas trip, not now, no longer just for CIA operatives. It is available to any American traveler. We got to get in on that. You need to invest that because they are going to end up like mandating one of those things in every embassy in the world and then in all the airports, just as useful as a fucking, as an X-ray machine. One sees and probably costs like five times as much.

Once got to get in on that. Once these hit the consumer market, I'm downloading next door again, because I want to see like in like upper middle class neighborhoods, people are going to accuse each other of shooting X-rays at each other. Oh my God. Yes. That's the next thing. That's the next like homeowners association thing.

If you live in like a solidly blue like suburban county, everyone is going to be accusing each other of this. Oh, God. Yes. This is just another thing to whine about. Another thing that doesn't exist, but it provides a very handy explanation for why you are miserable all the time. By the way, it's your neighbors doing it to you.

Yeah. Oh man. This is the perfect thing for us. Yeah. This is exactly what we need. Havana syndrome is the perfect made up bullshit for contemporary Americans to be afraid of. I mean, that's why, like I said, the head of the FBI and the CIA are having like top-level meetings about this bullshit, because it's so perfect.

It's so perfect. It is so us. It is so America in 2021. This is us. This is us. This is us. God damn. Well, like I said, stay on the lookout for that.

Yeah. Russia and their chronic Lyme disease. Like Lyme Projector. Yeah. All right. All right. Finally, we got to talk about, just rounding out today's show, we got to talk about, obviously Cuomo, still governor of New York, still hanging in there, still hanging in there, but I got

to say, ever since our last episode, like I have not stopped thinking about Andrew Cuomo as some sort of lonely Nosferatu as just like a Dracula who, instead of being like, I never drink wine, he's like, you know, got a cape on and he's like, where is my hug? Who's got the hug for me? I need a lot of companions. But I think I just want to note here that some of his top aides, including this woman, Melissa Rosa, resigned at his secretary today, and just as fans of Notap Apology, Apologies on the Internet, this is a good one.

I want to share with you guys. I wish shit. Yeah. We both thought of that when we saw this. It has been the greatest honor of my life to serve the people of New York for the past 10 years. New Yorkers' resilience, strength, and optimism through the most difficult times has inspired me every day.

Personally, the past two years have been emotionally and mentally trying. I am forever grateful for the opportunity to have worked on such a talented and committed with, with such talented and committed colleagues on behalf of our state. I feel like that was just like the last two years of my life have been a fucking nightmare. I can't deal with it anymore. I just can't imagine why you feel bad after these two years. I mean, Jesus Christ. Do anything bad?

Yeah. I mean, of course, like, you know, she was, you know, instrumental, instrumental in attacking many of Cuomo's accusers. I feel guilty defending the guy who, like, killed all every old person in New York, attacking the women he tried to hug. You know what? I feel so bad that there might be some sort of x-ray machine. Yeah.

Yeah. Microwave with me. That's why I should go with this. She really should have. This comes up here in another news story about Roberta Kaplan, the chairwoman of the Times Up organization and legal defense fund, just resigned from that organization after it came out that she also played a pivotal role in helping Andrew Cuomo discredit one of his alleged victims.

So, I mean, can you believe people got mad at us and we said Democrats killed the B2 movement to make Joe Biden president? I mean, it was probably for, like, less strategic reasons than that. But I mean, come on. It's a very, it's a very easy irony here. But, I mean, it's just, it's right there for the taking. So, I mean, why not make note of it? But I do want to talk about, like, what I want to go with on the Andrew Cuomo issue

is, there is, I was cleaning out the reading series today, this is courtesy of the New Yorker. The headline is, diving into the subconscious of the Cuomo sexual. How could we have witnessed the governor's narcissism bullying and hackneyed paternalism and found these qualities attractive, a psychoanalyst gives her a take. Oh, we is a pretty generous pronoun here. A lot of work. But keep in mind that this is in the New Yorker.

And I, you know, for, I mean, it seems insane to us, but, you know, let's just say for the audience that they're pitching to, I mean, like, this is a, I mean, yeah, this is a crisis of conscience. And did we all get on board with the Cuomo sexual phenomenon? And then, you know, obviously it looks bad now. It doesn't look great. Would they ever write this article about Giuliani? Because that's, I mean, the whole time with Cuomo, I've just been seeing Giuliani.

I've been seeing Giuliani with, like, a different type of big ugly face. And it, I have to say, this happened a lot quicker than I thought it would. I thought, like, last time it would take, take, take place over the course of a decade. It did not even take that long. But you know, they just, they would just not even acknowledge us, Giuliani. All right. Well, let's, this is okay. So, you know, what, what is it, you know, why, why, it's just, you know, why do women

like bad boys so much is really, is really the, why don't they like a nice guy like Jay Inslee? Yeah, exactly. You know, you just can't, he's got glasses. He cares about global warming. He's not sexually harassing anyone. No, he's, remember, he was a daddy. Oh yeah.

Okay. I'll think of a different guy, you know, who's like, had some problems. It's J.B. Pritzker, who's just, he's Jester Maxing, but I think it's like a catch. I think J.B. is a fucking catch, but he's Jester Maxing and no one's like, you know, I want to sit on J.B.'s huge body, but you should want to. He's the man. I want to lay on him like he's a beanbag challenge. He's awesome.

It's big boy season. Once again, nice guys finish last, but you know, I mean, this article, honestly, this article is like the New Yorkers attempt to, maybe for the first time ever, grapple with some of life's grim and brutal truths. Okay. So here we go. What are we to make of the homosexual phenomenon of the fact that just a year ago, much of blue state America was lusting after Governor Andrew Cuomo, who have since been accused

of sexual harassment by at least 11 women. The erotic interest was documented in a Jezebel article, Help I Think I'm in Love with Andrew Cuomo, written during the early days of the COVID-19 pandemic, as President Trump was telling the nation's governors to find their own respirators and ventilators, and an anxious city was finding solace in Cuomo's daily press briefings. The term Cuomo sexual was popularized in a song called Andy by the comedian, Randy Rainbow, set to the tomb of Sandy from the musical, Grease lyrics here. Oh, Andy, baby, you're so strong and rational from now on, I identify as a Cuomo sexual.

Those are two things I think of with Cuomo, like strong, strong, definitely takes a lot of strength to go up to a 24-year-old and be like, I'm very lonely and rational. Is there anyone else who could have solved the elderly question in New York at the EQ? Yeah. I'd like to say, as your input this season just says, Rainbow's video has been viewed more than 2 million times on YouTube. I'm surprised it's still up. The governor presented himself as an alternative to Trump, and New Yorkers embraced the comparison,

mooning over Cuomo's Queen's accent and his tough guy, Shtick. Forget bodyguards, he said of Trump. He better have an army if he thinks he's going to walk down any street in New York. We basked in his awkward displays of affection, looking into a camera and telling New Yorkers, I miss you. I love you. I am thinking of you. Fuck, he's a lonely old perv, Jesus, dude.

Basking in that, man. Oh, God. He smiled at his on-screen banter with his brother, Chris Cuomo, the muscle-bound CNN. Muscle-bound. Muscle-bound. What are you talking about? What the fuck are you saying? I have never thought for a second of muscle-bound as a first adjective I would think of when

thinking of Chris Cuomo. Who the fuck are these people hanging around with? Yeah. Where that fucking pencil neck on CNN is like some rippling man flesh. What the fuck? And, of course, giggle at his dad jokes about serving spaghetti and meatballs to his adult daughters and a boyfriend. I mean, that's just one person.

That's one person. That's one person. That's one sign there. That's one person rule. That's particular. That person loved it. It was the best thing that ever happened to her. Just clapping like a seal for this spaghetti and meatball.

This would be such a good article if they only interviewed her. Yes. Yes. Yeah, I would like to know a general-evaluable statement about Cuomo right now. If you wanted to do some journalism and really delve into the mind of someone who truly is sprung for Andrew Cuomo, then Jay Rubin is the number one person you have to tap. She was like, everyone talks about spaghetti and meatballs and that's probably the best reply of all time.

I think we've got to say that's just the best one. It contains the most art. But even when Cuomo would post other shit like, you know, remember to be safe out there would the best when we're looking out for each other. Like she would, it was basically she was just like, do my husband's out of town this week. Please. Like please. It goes here, celebrities such as Ellen DeGeneres and Trevor Noah announced their Cuomo sexuality.

The New York fashion brand Lingua Franca produced a $400 sweater with Cuomo sexual embroidered on the front while other vendors slapped the slogan on cocktails, underwear and baby tees. That all seems. Yeah. No, that's who they're for. Babies. You were a baby if you were into this at all. You're even charmed by Andrew Cuomo in any way.

You are an infant. That all seems like a long time ago. This was five months ago at most. At most. I know this a year ago, a year ago is like the longest you could stretch that. I mean, at no time has sort of collapsed and dilated in such a strange way that it no longer has meaning, but it's just like this idea that like, God, remember, God, remember ages ago and everyone got horny for Andrew Cuomo despite his like obviously repellent qualities

and like obvious bizarre issues with women and his general looks. He killed the silent generation. There's no more of them in New York. Like come on. In December, Lindsay Boylan, a former state economic development official accused Cuomo of sexually harassing her over a period of several years. Several of the governor's ex-aids followed suit. Earlier this week, New York's Attorney General Letitia James released the findings of a five

month long inquiry into Cuomo's conducts. The 165-page report paints a portrait of a man who casually degrades women around him, commenting on their clothes, hair, and sexual attractiveness, and doling out humiliating nicknames like Sponge, Mingle Mamas, and Daisy Duke, encouraging others to join in. Mingle Mamas? Mingle Mamas and Sponge. There should be a federal investigation over to whether Andrew Cuomo has ever had sex. If Merrell Garland isn't doing anything else, at least do that.

I'm just curious. He torments a female state trooper assigned to his security detail and at one point jokes to Boylan, if I was the dog, I'd mount you too. What's up? What's up? What's up? Damn, dude. How'd you not get any pussy off this?

Why were you so lonely with lines like this? The report also includes allegations of forcible kissing, groping, and unwanted touching, all of which Cuomo has denied. That is just not who I am. Since the report's release, virtually all of Cuomo's political allies have abandoned him, and President Biden has called for his resignation. It's looking increasingly likely that he'll be the first New York governor in a century to get impeached.

Conservatives have been quick to celebrate Cuomo's reputational implosion. Others are now scolding the self-proclaimed Cuomo sexuals. A Twitter user named PE Moskowitz wrote, If you bought a Cuomo sexual mug or sticker, like what did you do with it? Is it sitting in the back of your closet and every time you see it, you feel deep shame? The Washington Post ran an op-ed titled, The Cuomo sexual phenomenon was disgraceful. Were politicians bosses, not their fans? Some Cuomo sexuals have responded with contrition.

I regret ever saying I was a Cuomo sexual one man tweeted. Randy Rainbow deleted his tweet with the Andy video. For many of us, reading the AG's report and listening to the governor's cynical denials spurs a kind of embarrassed clarity, similar to the feeling one experiences after running into an old ex. How could we have witnessed these same qualities in Cuomo's case, the narcissism, the bullying, the hackneyed paternalism, and found them attractive? You're a baby, end of article.

In search of an answer, I contacted Virginia Goldner, a psychoanalyst who has written about sexual harassment. See, author of the book, Pleasure Can Hurt, the erotic politics of sexual coercion published last year in an issue of psychoanalytic dialogues. Goldner, a clinical professor at NYU, co-founded an academic journal called Studies in Gender and Sexuality and appears on the Showtime series Couples Therapy. She has some reassuring words for the Cuomo sexuals who are in a shame spiral right now. The governor was up to something in those press conference.

He was radiating an eroticized masculinity that within its hostility and a little tenderness, he was radiating an eroticized masculinity that has within its hostility and a little tenderness, she said. That combination of soft and hard, mostly hard, but also soft, is what so many women crave in some way, she said. She saw that the retro-sexual part of us, the part that was raised with the image of the big, square, daddy-lover figure, even if we've never actually had one, she's a 60-year-old gnome.

What the fuck are you talking about? Did you see what his dad looks like? I mean, she's just... They're a family of hobbits. What the fuck are you saying? This is what I mean. This is an article about how, you know, women say they like a sense of humor, but you know, I'm not here fucking striking out every day.

No. What they really want is a big, brooding, masculine man like Andrew Cuomo, lifelong politician and, yeah, like halfling. What the fuck? Andrew Cuomo goes into the ICU whenever he has to pick up a 12-pack. Who did he read his masculine to? Just these people who live the fully domesticated life, I guess. It would make sense if you grew up on a compound that was run by people from a Digimon forum.

I guess if that was the first man you saw outside, you'd be like, oh, my God, it's like a bowl. So it says here, she noted that a lot of gay men respond to the fantasy, too. That's a figure that could easily be hot to a man, yeah, like a daddy, a sort of leather daddy figure. I mean, he's got the pierce nipple, apparently, I mean, that's the hardness that they're talking about, the piece of metal jutting out of his nipple. You know, god damn, I really hope that's a pierce nipple, because if it's not, you'd

see a doctor. He just has ricotta curdles for nipples. Goldner went on to untangle some of the more baffling behavior in the AG's report. Why would an eligible bachelor, who could presumably date any woman he wanted, choose to kiss, grope and flirt with office underlings against their will? He's a bad person, he gets off on making people uncomfortable. Exactly, because the same reason that he like calls legislatures is like, I'm going to put a hit on you.

He's just like a shitty fucking bullying asshole with like zero redeeming qualities who, yeah, gets off on seeing people's harm. Because he probably doesn't get off on getting laid. He gets off on fucking like abusing his power in ways to make people uncomfortable. In March of 2020, Andrew Cuomo could pull like any like new school snatch he wanted. I'm serious, like he could, dude, he just like opened his DMs, like some girl whose like job is to like dust dinosaur bones and has $70,000 with a medical debt, like any girl with like a sort of carry from Mythbusters look that we talk about a lot, like he could

have just fucking pulled, he could have put up wilt numbers, but no, he likes making people feel bad. And not just any people, people who work for him. Yes. And that, that's a crucial component in the type of person he is. So it says here, why would a skilled politician risk at all to stroke the stomach of a state trooper or to make lewd comments to a doctor who is giving him a COVID swab? And then apparently the comment he said to a doctor giving him a COVID swab was gentle

but accurate. I've heard that before. What? Like, I don't even, like it doesn't make sense like talking about what the fuck or like he's never had sex. That's it, like what, like everyone compliments me on the, on the, how accurate my dick is. I almost never hit the thighs or belly button. What the fuck are you saying, man?

Was he actually trying to seduce these women? Probably not, Goldner said. Sexual harassment is not so much about sexual satisfaction. That's not necessarily the goal. Instead of, instead it's a kind of sadomasochistic flirtation. The harasser enjoys creating sexual tension in the workplace, but what he really likes to do is psychological torment. Okay.

So like, yeah, they are getting to the, to the heart of the matter here. Just going on, it says, that's Goldner's take anyhow. Cuomo's own explanation is that his conduct was innocent. He grew up in a household where kissing and touching were the norm. I actually learned it from my mother and from my father, he said earlier this week. It is meant to convey warmth, nothing more. But Goldner suggested that the AG's report shows a disturbing pattern. Someone that, someone that's sadistic who wanted to make everyone shake in their boots,

women as well as women, he must have been in some way wanting other people to suffer because of some internal trouble. She quoted a line from her essay, the sexual harasser is repeat, repeatedly turning the dreaded risk of becoming a defeated bottom into the edgy high of being a top. She went on, he must have had in some sense of, he must have had some sense of defeated bottomness. Otherwise, he wouldn't have harassed people so compulsively. Okay.

She, okay. She's lost him. She was talking sense. And now I don't know what the fuck she's talking about. Cuomo is a defeated bottom who is using his defeated bottomness to thwart others. I just, I, yeah, it's going off the rails. I mean, this is back to the talking about his eroticized masculinity. Who's he bottoming for?

I don't know. The American people. Oh yeah. Okay. So it says here, so the Cuomo sexual is dead and with it, the fantasy that the governor conjured on television, the tough and tender protector, the daddy lover, head of state who will save us from both COVID-19 and Donald Trump. What will take its place?

Probably panic about being killed by a microwave. Yeah. Probably that's what will take its place. That's what's great about this country. There's always a new thing. Yeah. Goldner wasn't sure, but she wasn't thrilled that the word Cuomophobia had started to appear on Twitter.

That character, the character Cuomo played on television was a lie, but that retro masculinity has a lot to admire, she said. We shouldn't bury our Cuomo sexuality. We should examine it. We can still love those dimensions of masculinity and ask ourself, what are they and how did they get corrupted? I mean, so yeah, I come not to bury the Cuomo sexual, but to praise him. Okay.

But I mean, again, just astonishing that this is being written. Everything other than the part about what a sadistic freak he is, that every other description of him in that article is essentially taken at face value. But I mean, whatever, I guess this is describing a way a lot of people felt. I am curious though, for what comes, because in the last few years, the thing with the liberal polity is that whenever there's a guy who you think is somewhat competent, the thing becomes that you want to fuck them. Yeah, like Dr. Fauci.

That was the thing with Fauci and even Biden. I mean, there's a lot of like displaced like sexual mania after Cuomo. Absolutely. And there's always going to be another guy. I think it might be someone safe like Mark Warner. Oh, well, he is a goddamn dime. That's for sure. Yeah.

He's so hot. He's a goddamn sexual Tyrannosaurus. It's like just a melting Frankenstein. Yeah. But yeah, people always like invent a new thing. Like it will be like some like piece of shit like Dick Durbin and they'll be like, oh yeah. You know, women actually like psychologically need to fuck a guy who's like Gil from The Simpsons.

Like looks exactly like him. He was real. Sounds like him too. Yeah. Don't I get a lick? Doesn't Gil get a lick? Yeah. We have a sort of subconscious desire even against our better nature to, yeah, to once

a couple with, you know, sort of rough alpha types like Jack Lemon from Glenn Gary, Glenn Ross. I mean, you know, in America at least, some people do famous podcasts that are about being gay with your dad. But many of us in our political lives, we want to be straight with our dads. And that's what this comes down to. But you know, I mean, like, you're totally right to like, what comes after this? It's just like another, like another person or like symbol of a person that like people

can project like yet are out of control, sexual mania, like are out like are like are completely displaced sexual neuroses that are increasingly finding their expression in the realm of politics. And it is such an odd phenomenon that is becoming like it is getting exponentially weirder and weirder and more or more erotically charged, quote, the sex expert in this piece. I do, I like, I think this is probably uniquely American thing, but like, do people do this in other countries at all? I don't know. Like, if you're like a Russian liberal, you know, and you've like coalesced behind like

Nelvanie or you're like, oh, I want to fuck him. You clearly have never been to a German car, auto shop garage. There's always the bikini calendars of Anglo-Miracle every wall. Yeah, they say they say power is the ultimate aphrodisiac and that's why I think Anglo-Miracle is the hottest woman on the planet. I mean, like, I, like, I don't want to rule it out. Like the idea of like reformists in Iran, getting behind the green revolution, people. But like, I do think this is probably an American thing.

This is probably just a thing. Well, I mean, it's part of the, it's part of the fusion of culture and politics. Like, they said, you know, DC is Hollywood for ugly people, but now people react to politicians and they, and they invest the, the image of politicians with the same sexual energy that they do with their favorite Hollywood celebs. So now it doesn't matter if you're ugly or, or hot, you are to be sexually objectified by people who are trying to get something out of this spectacle that they find themselves completely invested in emotionally and completely powerless to influence.

And you know, like, obviously, like this is, this is a more pronounced phenomenon among you know, liberal people, like, you know, like who, who are just like, yeah, like, had to, had to hold up Cuomo as a counter example to the leadership of Trump so they could feel like somebody like competent was a control and like, yeah, a daddy figure was telling them it was going to be okay. And then added on top of that, this bizarre need to like also want to fuck him. But like, you know, let's be honest, all those MAGA ladies are just so hot for Donald Trump. They think he is the most handsome man on the planet.

They're so virile and masculine. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, these are both like, yeah, Queenie soft old men who people have projected their sexual mania on. Like, do you remember the, like the t-shirts that you saw at like Trump rallies in 2016 where it just like, some like just old bag of leather and ham is wearing a shirt that's like, he can grab my pussy. Yeah.

Yeah. Those girls should have been happy to get grown by Trump. Just look at him up there. Yeah. Do you remember the town hall they did and that woman who is an undecided voter was like, you look very handsome tonight. Yes. She spent her entire time just talking about how good looking he was.

That is the most down bad anyone's ever been. No, the idea of being someone who was like, finds Trump hot and is not a committed Republican. That's just sick shit. That's the most interesting woman in America. I'm skeptical about the governing and all that, but God damn, just look at the way he fills out a giant billowy suit. What a physical specimen he is. He's like Carrie Grant, the way he fills out that suit.

It looks like one of the fat Korean cat accounts I follow on Instagram. He kind of looks like Mango, the large Korean cat. I mean, I think like, probably Bill Clinton was like the beginning of this as like the first cool president, you know, and like probably had like definitely an outside sex appeal that he like, that was, you know, probably unwarranted given, given everything, given the way he looked and acted. But you know, I mean, like he, he played that saxophone. He did, he did generally, I mean, like as a politician and as a person, like convey

listening to people very well. And you know, women love that. No, yeah. Bill Clinton is one of the worst American public figures, like maybe ever, but he did, you can't deny he had like actual charisma that like everyone, everyone, everyone kind of felt. I mean, that's part of how he was able to accomplish so much evil. But you know, more polarizing figures like Trump or people who just don't have that charisma,

like, I'm sorry, Fauci just doesn't. He does not have that or this, this 90 year old Italian once again, who thinks that like a two thirds scale Italian man with all of the fluids taken out of his body is the height of hotness. I do not understand. And like also, shouldn't this be like a reputation for like a lot of like down bad guys out there who'd be like, oh, as long as I'm under six feet tall, I'll never have a girlfriend. It's like, no, like, dude, you could be, you could be four feet tall and look like a fucking

like, look like, look like a gargoyle on the side of a building. And dude, like if you've got swag, you got something going for you, like there's going to be people out there who are interested. This is a message to all our listeners who like fit the general physical discretion of Andrew Cuomo, get on Twitch, get yourself a webcam, get yourself a PC, get on Twitch and start doing streams where you're like, I'm very lonely, I want to hug and kiss you. And you're going to start off with no viewers and you'll pick up one, then that grows and grows and grows.

And after a few years of like saying that you're lonely and you want to kiss everyone for four hours every day, you are, you're going to get some clown. We guarantee it. And if you don't get clown from doing this and you just get embarrassed and laughed at, you know, you can get me with this is a promise, no, no, I don't edit out my promises. Yeah, you got to put skin in the game. If you're going to make those planes, I'm saying I can change people's lives. And I think accountability is the most powerful force in the world.

According to me, means that a five, eight listeners shows up at my door with an anti-material rifle and shoots me through, I like go through the side of my fucking building due to the force of the, of the projectile. That's what I want if I'm wrong. It's how confident I am that this will work. I'll be shooting myself through the fucking wall of my apartment just from blowing ropes, watching Andrew Cuomo videos, what a fucking daddy he is. He should just do, I mean, that's what he, he should just like stream now.

You know, I mean, has anyone talked to Sandra Lee during all this? Cause like, I remember when Andrew Cuomo had a very famous girlfriend, but he never wifed her. He never wifed her. Yeah. Nope. Never wifed her up. Sandra Lee, I'm, I'm reading this.

She was like the cooking show host. Yeah. She would make cocktails where it's like just a little bit of vodka and then you can see like, you know, she was like, yeah, a shot of glug, glug, glug. She seemed awesome. What happened there? He really is cool. I think she was too cool, honestly.

Yeah. Yeah. She was like, he was probably drinking like, he was probably like drinking like Bud Light on rocks. He was like drinking Mikey Miles shit. She was like, I got to blow this pot of sickle stand and fuck this pussy. Well, you know, Mikey Miles, another guy who's had some, uh, let's say like legal issues as of late.

I would like to see an article about like, how could we have ever fallen? What? Who could it? Yeah. How could we have seen? I was a Miley. I was a Mikey sexual. Yeah.

I was a, I said, yeah, I just, I, I need, I loved his meals. I loved his shirtless dancing. And there's nothing about him ever seemed off putting to me at all. You know what I realized about Mikey Miles this weekend? Like in the wake of his, uh, legal troubles. This is Donald Trump. If he was poor, like if you, like if he grew up like poor, that's what he would be. They have like the same personality and the sit, like they justify things in the same

way. Uh, see, I mean, I think like, you know, Mikey Miles, Donald Trump and Andrew Cuomo are like different shades of like the same soul that is sort of reborn in New York state over and over. There is an, there is an ancient evil. Yeah. It's creating like, it was even in the Europeans got here. It was in the soil.

It was in the ground in this cursed land. And yeah, Mikey Miles, it's like, I mean, he might as well be the same fucking person as Andrew Cuomo. Just not successful. They're the same guy. Yeah. Not successful. There's videos even after, even after, you know, uh, let's say certain things happened.

He's just like doing a video and he's like, you know, you know, ups and downs in life, you know, you got, you know, you learn, you learn, you gotta go, you gotta go through things to learn things, you know, all I got here, tequila, you know, what can I say? So, you're all go crazy. Like, yeah. He's like, yeah. No, it's, I was like, you know what? Everyone like makes fun of Mikey when he puts a picture of himself and like Robert De Niro

side by side. It's like, I'm starting to see the resemblance and like, it's so ridiculous is when this was, uh, before his legal troubles when, you know, people already knew he was an awful guy, but, uh, Cuomo kind of does the same thing. He absolutely does. He's kind of doing the same where he's like, Oh, don't I remind you of like Al Pacino when I'm doing this fucking shit. He is exactly like Mikey Miles.

He is, he is a, where's my hug guy? He's, he's like, uh, one day my angel will come guy, like, you know, just like still thinking about my angel, you know, I wonder if she knows I'm, you know, when he knows I'm thinking about her, there, no, I'm just, this is a type of New Yorker. I'm just imagining a spate of resignations from team Mikey Miles. It has been my joy to just been my joy to serve team Mikey Miles over the last four or five years. But this has also been some of the most trying periods of my life.

That would be funny if like Melissa DeRosa, right after she resigns from the Cuomo administration, she, she like, she signs to the Mikey Miles agency, just out of the frying pan into the fire, you know, you know, when you're a governor, you know, you know, just sometimes, you know, you go through things, you go through things, it's ups and downs, it's ups and downs, but you've got to learn, you've got to keep trying every day, and you know, stay away from tequila. What is the other thing, what is the other thing, all just kids from New York? What is the other thing Mikey Miles said? I think I'm turning into my father.

That's Andrew, baby. And from, dude, that's Andrew and, damn, damn, they're all the same fucking person. It's amazing. Yeah. It's like, it's just like, and Mikey Miles is a guy who has the same like, insane belief that like, his talents or abilities like deserve to be rewarded or celebrated in some way and like, and Cuomo and Trump are just guys who have achieved that despite all evidence to the contrary.

Dude, you're welcome. He's just still out there doing it, regardless. Yeah, working on some custom videos tonight, can I call my lawyer though, huh? I like, that's, you know, I knew Trump wasn't going to be reelected when he didn't take care of the Mikey Miles situation, should have been a military strike. It's just, you know, how did so many women get fooled by Mikey Miles? Well, it was the eroticized masculinity that he was conveying a sort of a hardness and a softness in his videos, sort of a daddy figure that, you know, lurk somewhere deep

in all of our psyches. I didn't love it when a guy's level 35. All right. Well, I think that does impress today. Just some kids from New York. Just some kids from New York. Just kids from New York. Yeah.

I'm stuck at food porn. Food gasm. Food gasm. What spinach? We've solved it. Andrew Cuomo is Mikey Miles, the exact same personality. How the fuck did I not realize this before? He should take over.

Yeah. No, he should, yeah. Ours should resign now. Give it to them. Give it to them. Give it to them to win Michael Miles. Everyone's yelling at me to fix the trains. I'm trying to go to the grocery store on Sunday.

So many angels on my security details. It's got to be a hundred. Oh, there's got to be a hundred thousand beautiful girls in New York. Yeah. They're all, they're all the active litigation, that's me. And again with Mikey, it's like how could anyone have known if only there was some sign Not just such an evil little goblin you should be sent to the fucking pit. You should be thrown in a pit You should be thrown in a fucking dungeon. Oh my god. All right, till next time everybody

I don't know if I like it, but it's just another like it no matter where you go