Chapo Trap House - 556 - Sperm Jack City feat. Dan Boeckner (9/6/21)

Episode Date: September 7, 2021

Canada Correspondent Dan Boeckner stops by to update us on the impending Canadian federal elections. We break down the parties and their platforms, from the Victims of Communism-respecters, to the Semen Retentionists. We also read an op-ed from the Toronto Sun on why Drake is the most dangerous and disrespectful man in Canada. Check out Dan’s podcast The Bottlemen wherever you get podcasts, and subscribe here: https://www.patreon.com/DaBottlemen And find Dan’s patreon for his music here: https://www.patreon.com/operators

Okay off to the races. Hello friends. Greetings. It's your choppo coming at you. As promised, we are no longer talking about things that are depressing and sad. We are talking about things that are fun and fail. And of course, I'm talking about our neighbors to the north. Oh, Canada. What could, I mean, what could be lower stakes and funner to talk about than an upcoming Canadian election. Fun for you, maybe. We're safe here in the bosom of the United States of America. So, you know, safe from all political consequences. However, as you may have just heard, joining us for this episode is our official choppo north of the border Canadian correspondent. It's Dan Beckmere. Back again. Dan, what's up?

Thanks. Hello, everyone. This is a bad time to live in Canada, I would say, that this election has fucked vibes. That's the only way I can describe it. Well, we can blame Trudeau for that, right? Because they didn't have to hold one if I'm looking at this correctly, right? Like, this is a decision to try to get a majority because they figured that they could capitalize on people's resistance to the conservatives vaccine plans or something like that. Is that correct? Sort of. It's a weird combination of like hubris and unpreparedness. So they called this snap election thinking that they were going to get a majority. But it's basically, I think the best way to describe it is like

a pop quiz that no one is prepared for, including the person who called it. It's a real like Theresa May 2017 vibes here. Yeah, like no one really seems to have a platform that addresses the fact that since the pandemic started, like shit has been getting real in Canada. There's there's been an intersecting group of crises, both domestic and international, that the federal government has kind of fumbled the ball on and no one seems to have any good ideas. How do you move forward from? Well, it seems like Canada is pretty much on the same page as America and the rest of the world. But why don't we just start by going through like, so obviously, Justin Trudeau is currently in he's in charge of the place. Why don't

we just start there with Justin Trudeau and his party and like, you know, what are they running on this election? What is what is what is what is our friend Justin up to? They're basically running on a bunch of shit that they could have done when they got elected in 2019 and decided not to. And then they're just kind of trotting it out again and saying, hey, remember that or actually, please don't remember that we promised that we were going to do all this stuff. Here's our platform. So are they promising to do it again? Like, you know, we're going to get serious. We're going to do it this time. Yeah. Yeah. So, you know, top of the list is climate. They basically claiming they're going to bring

down emissions 40 to 50 percent below 2005 levels by 2030 net zero by 2050. Totally unclear how they're going to do this. Like the platform doesn't really give any information on how they're going to achieve it. They're just basically being like, trust us. Well, I mean, they're Canadian. So I'm guessing it boils down to ask politely. I guess I mean, are you planning, maybe? I don't know. They're also like, they're also like focusing on jobs because the economy's been so hammered by COVID. So, you know, they basically said that the Liberal Party, like quote, took on debt so Canadians wouldn't have to over the last year and a half, like putting billions of dollars into job laws, profit, decline, you

know, all of this during COVID. But what they basically want to do is extend COVID benefits into the fall and start a program to invest in tourism. I mean, like good luck. People are afraid to go to the six. The six is all over the news. It's like, I can't even compare it to Chicago 10 years ago. It's like, I don't know. It's like, I mean, it's honestly like Poland in 1939 with what Drake is doing to his enemies. It's true. Gangs of certified lover boys are taking people's girlfriends all over, all over Ontario and now it's spreading to Quebec. There is actually like, there are gangs in Toronto, but it does like, I would almost be kind of mad if I was in a Toronto gang

because it's like everyone else who doesn't live in Canada, literally the entire world is just going to be like, Oh, what? Like you, do you guys fight over like Montclair jackets? I mean, it doesn't help. It doesn't help that every other day, the Toronto PD puts out pictures of guns they've taken from their street and they're like fucking blunderbusses helping. I love that shit. They're always capturing the guns they used to kill Mel Gibson's son in the Patriot. Yeah. They grab the spear of longinus off the streets of Toronto. Exactly. They're capturing guns used by the British to fight like at the Khyber Pass. I mean, those guns, I mean, honestly, the blunderbuss or like, you know, the British musket would

be a higher caliber than some of this shit I've seen in the Toronto. They usually look, it's like, usually what I see is like, this was taken off the streets of the six today and it looks like a derringer that had been at the bottom of the ocean for like a thousand years. They have like their guns, like you could like maybe use them to like fire a warning shot against like a rabbit. 50% chance it's going to take two of your fingers off. All I know is I'm going to take my, I'm going to like get a Spanish Tercio together and just take over the drug trade in Toronto. No. Yeah. I'm moving up to Montreal and I'm taking over the drug game with one starter pistol that I got from a track and field meet.

Yeah. If you figured out how to put bullets in a magazine, you would basically, you'd basically own that town. You'd be King of Toronto, King of the GTA. Actually, I probably, I could do that in Toronto, but not Montreal because as we established last time, there's a lot of really serious criminals in Montreal. Yeah. Yeah. A lot of them dress like clowns too. So you're, you know, kind of throw as you off. I was actually just as an aside last night, I was trying to mix a song and I heard this like fucking piercing, like really bad theremin music. Like somebody, somebody very poorly playing a theremin at like stun volume coming from the street and I was like, I can't mix. I

can't mix the song. I got to go see what this is. And I go downstairs and there's a group of like 15 people underneath a giant octopus puppet that's just spewing bubbles, trundling down the street, blasting theremin music as, as part of like a cultural thing that was happening. Yeah. I'm sorry. Good luck, Canada. Tourist to this hellhole, this terrifying land of archipelago and octopus creatures watching in the streets. Yeah. No, Canada is bio shock. Well, yeah, I mean, the liberal platform is it's pretty weak. Like one of the things that jumped out to me was they've been they've been talking about pharmacare, like adding

pharmacare to their platform, but it is suspiciously absent this round and what they have replaced it with is recommendations for something called telehealth, which to me is a giant fucking red flag. Like, and by telehealth, what they mean is in the more rural remote communities in Canada, instead of going to see the one family doctor, you will log on to zoom. That's I don't think that's worked for like anybody. I don't think anyone's ever gotten a good diagnosis from like zoom doctors. I did that early in the pandemic. I was having like, I didn't know if I was having ulcers or not. And like, it was like being on a zoom call with me. I hated it. He was like on his phone and shit.

Oh, really? He's playing like the Candy Crush for doctors. Where it's like hills and said Dr. Mario. Yeah. Yeah. I was like, it's like, I don't care how like good you are at being a doctor. You're just not going to do a good job on zoom. I mean, and it's also like, yeah, you're not getting the benefit of going to a doctor, but then you have to do a zoom call. Yeah. No one wants to do that shit. No one likes that. We had a zoom Thanksgiving. It was the worst moment of my life. I'm going to relive it in the moments before I die, thinking about like what my cousin's internet sounded like, how I could hear her shit dialing into the grid. Do it with a doctor.

Yeah. Unless he can, unless he can like print out, like unless he can get into my printer and no one has a printer anymore, they're making printers worse every year. Unless he can get into the printer and like print Quailudes. No one's going to do it. Yeah. I just imagine like lifting my shirt up and like like putting my armpit close to the lens and being like, what? So what do you think this is? What is it? Yeah. I'm going to put on a fucking VR headset and be in VR chat with my doctor and he's going to be Miles T. Prowler. And like that's how he's going to feel my balls. I'm going to feel my balls with a glove that gives him feedback sensation like a dual shock.

Yeah. You're going to put the haptic feedback pouch around your junk. He makes the troll face when he feels the lump. That's how I found out I was dying. I would get you. I just like, it's really a telehealth. Like you would get, I would get, I got, I had a better diagnosis when I got like a pimple on my dick and ended up showing it to my dad thinking I had AIDS. And he was like, yeah, no, you don't, you don't have AIDS. You don't have to put it to your dad. I was like, yo, I was fucking, well, look at this. It's nasty. It's some antimicrobial shit.

All right. So I mean, well, obviously, I mean, like, so the Trudeau and the Liberal Party, I mean, like this is, this is there. I mean, this is just, this is just Justin being Justin. You know, it's just like he, he talks a good game. He about respecting other cultures and wearing their, you know, their costumes and skin color. But when it comes to respecting them, it's like, no, we're definitely still building that pipeline over your land. That's exactly it. Yeah. And, you know, like the biggest, to me, the biggest issue in this election is housing because Canada, because of the way Canada's housing market works with federally backed mortgages, it allows for housing prices to just go up and up and up

while wages stay flat. And then the giant fucking all consuming maw of debt gets bigger and bigger and bigger. And none of the parties, not even the NDP have like, have like a coherent or serious plan to address this. Like basically, oh, and the other thing is that 20% of Canadian housing stock is owned by REITs. So real estate investment trusts who own finance and sometimes operate commercial like rental property. So it's bad, you know, and the Liberals plan is to essentially like set up sort of housing. What they want to do is they want to get more people to own homes. So they want to make it easier for you to get a mortgage or a loan to buy a home without kind of addressing the fact that the bar to home ownership is getting

further and further away from normal people, because the real estate market is completely fucking unregulated. I mean, like that is the one part of the Liberals platform, I do think is like pretty good. Everything whatever group of people we do a bad thing to our leader will dress up like them. Yeah, like as an apology. No one else in the world does that. Maybe this is a, this is a slight aside, but I was wondering, has the issue of the recent discovery that like every Catholic school in Canada is just a mass grave? Is that affecting

in this election at all? Is anyone talking about this? Because I feel like that went away pretty quickly. Yeah, they're not. After they discovered like the fucking Temple of Doom underneath like every Catholic orphanage in Canada. They're not talking about it nearly as much as you think they would be, you know, like the Liberal Party is making some sort of gestures to reparations, whether it's still like blocking residential school survivors in court, like at the same time. So again,

it's like it's just impossible to take them seriously. Well, I mean, as a result of that, I mean, like it seems like Trudeau is being pushed to the limit and could very well lose this election to the Conservative Party led by a guy called Aaron O'Toole. Yes. I'm still pissed it's not Mr. Wonderful. Yeah. That was my hope.

What bad thing did Mr. Wonderful ever do to anybody? Well, I mean, he can't speak French. Yeah, that was it. He can't speak French. That's it. That's the only bad thing he's ever done. He can kill as many people as he wants with his boat. But you gotta fucking speak French. You ever thought that that person was J-swimming? So I mean, let's talk about the Conservative Party and Aaron O'Toole. Like as far as sort

of a conservative Canadian skill, like to describe to the American listeners, who is Aaron O'Toole and like what is his Conservative Party look like? Aaron O'Toole is kind of like, we have a lot of these guys here. I think Jason Kenney is one of them. A lot of the Conservative pundits are kind of this type of guy and they're like, if you could imagine like a wizard cast a curse on a giant batch of bread and created bread golems, but they didn't bake them along enough. Like that's, they're all, none of them have belly buttons, you know, they're just like fucking vat grown, weird, doughy ghouls. So yeah, the Conservative Party here is constantly

sort of ping-ponging between like, and we'll get into this later when we talk about the fucking Justin Lange article. But they're ping-ponging between, you know, a copy of a copy of a copy of an American idea, which is reformed conservatism and just out and out like dog whistling white nationalism. So, well, I mean, it seems like you could be like two kinds of Conservative in Canada. You can be the kind of like the sort of Stephen Harper sort of like, like, like very, very dry, like just, just, just eating crackers with no water. Like, yes, like very dry, kind of like, like buttoned up dork. Or you can be like, yeah, like the kind of bellowing, crack-smoking populace, like the Ford family

or Mr. Wonderful. I mean, I mean, he's not smoking crack. He's getting high off deals. He's totally high off deals. Yeah. Yeah. And like Harper, Harper's only thrill is flying to Albania once a year to go to Ashraf 3, where M.E.K. people just clap and goggle at him as he, as he, as he talks about how they're going to invade Iran. Not without our help, but it would be lonely to be like an Iran regime change person in Canada. Because it's like, obviously, like if you're, if you're like a, you know, pro-right sector person, you're still probably for that, but that's not your main thing. That's not really your main issue. Like in Canada, everyone's, everyone's involved in the Ukraine business.

Yeah. That's unavoidable. Oh yeah. I mean, you brought up this, this Justin Ling column and like Justin Ling is a guy who writes for McLean's in Canada. I mean, Dan, I know you've had your, you've had your run-ins with Justin in the past. I mean, like, well, just as preface to this article, how would you describe Justin Ling and his output as a opinion journal in Canada? He's like, he's got goldfish brain or golden retriever brain, you know, like he was a vice columnist and then he, he had a podcast on the Canada Land Network that was described as the chapeau trap house of Canada, but it was just, it was just him and another sort of golden retriever brain centrist pundit named Jen Gerson. And

the idea was that they have opposing viewpoints. It was called OPPO, but they basically agree on pretty much everything. So the concept kind of fell apart. Well, I mean, he has this article in McLean's titled, Erano Tool, Socialist Crusader. The policies put forth by the conservatives are serious, sensible and pro-worker. They're also impressive when put next to the anemic NDP platform. And he's talking about like, I mean, as to the conservative party platform that he's talking about and that would, you know, earn Irish Aaron the title of socialist crusader is that he's talking about basically like a kind of like a workplace democracy platform is what he did. He describes it as

where they would require federally regulated employers with more than a thousand employees to have a worker representation on their board of directors, provide tax rights to employers who sell shares to employee ownership trusts and amend the Canada labor code to give workers a leg up when trying to unionize shops and companies with a history of anti-union activity and give labor unions standing at the Canada International Trade Tribunal to file action against companies. So I mean, this is like, you know, Ling says that this is an idea that originated in Scandinavia and has become popular in France and Germany and another bunch of countries. And he says, you know, I mean, like on paper, right, this sounds

like a pretty good idea, right? Sure. Except the only problem is that's not really what the conservative party platform on labor is. No way. No way. He says here, it's just these two levers of employee ownership of corporations are fairly radical in North America. In fact, getting more workers on boards was a core policy plank from erstwhile democratic presidential hopeful Elizabeth Warren. While the ideas of corporate ownership trust was pitched by her rival Bernie Sanders, Vox called it his most socialist idea yet.

Vox! So this column was like, I think the third of three columns that came out basically saying exactly the same thing from exactly the same type of person. So it was like Gershyn Ling and this guy Max Fawcett, who is like a sort of photocopy of a photocopy of Justin Ling. And they all seemed dazzled by this platform. And you know, the hook in the articles was, can you believe it? The conservatives are doing socialist things. But then, like if you dig into it a little bit, you realize that there's actually a historical precedent for this. And this has all been kind of laid out in centrist Canadian media like no less than two years ago. Globe and Mail ran a piece on Jason Kenney, who's the premier of Alberta.

Adopting, so I'll just read from this. Alberta premier Jason Kenney believes the future of conservatism lies in parties like the Canadian Tories, moving away from promoting laissez-faire capitalism and embracing the growing reform conservative movement in the US, which sees a role for government in addressing the challenges of working class people who have failed to get ahead. So basically the conservatives have been working this platform that they cribbed from like, what was that book that came out in 2008? Ross Duthet and Rayhan Salam. Oh, yeah.

Grand New Party. The Grand New Party, yeah. Yeah. So this, this like quote unquote socialist project is just like a, it's like a watered down Canadianized version of something that Ross and Rayhan Salam came up with in 2008. And they never got anywhere in the actual Republican Party because there's no actual incentives to do that. It's literally branding operation. Exactly. The next like 10 years of conservative politics in North America are people telling you that

like national conservatism is coming and you just, you never see any evidence of it. But it's always coming. It's always just around the corner. It never happens. And it's always like, it's always just like supplanted by like an even crazier and crazier wave of like, you know, now like Q adjacent shit, you know, but the funniest thing about the, about Ling calling the conservative platform socialist on the labor plank is that the conservatives like the conservatives approach to gig workers is a carbon copy of Uber's flexible work plus, which is, which is the ideology behind prop 22, right?

It's, it's the idea that you will create a third category of worker. And the reason for that is that the main architect of this conservative platform is Dan Mader, who is a corporate lobbyist for Uber, who O2 will hired back at the start of the year. Well, yeah, I mean, let's dig into the gig workers thing. Cause Ling says here, he says, these workers generally speaking, don't have any of the benefits we associate with employment. If they want supplementary health insurance, employment insurance, Canadian pension plan benefits, they'll have to pay for it all themselves. The conservatives are proposing a rather elegant solution, an employee savings account, gig

economy companies would have to pay contributions. Oh my God. Wait, is this Lenin I'm hearing from? What the hell? It says a gig economy companies would have to pay contributions equivalent to CPP and EI premiums into their gig worker accounts, where it will sit tax free to be withdrawn when needed. It's. He says, it's hardly a replacement for a good pension plan or an actual safety net without where employee contributions and considering the hours worked by the employees, these funds

will likely be quite modest. And yet it's more than the other parties are proposing and he says here, I saw it says Aaron O'Toole, social Democrat. It seems unlikely that the measures outlined above will start peeling off new Democrat voters, or convince the Marxist Leninists and communists to put aside their differences to get behind Aaron O'Toole. And yet these policies are serious, sensible, pro worker and decidedly conservative in purpose. They look particularly impressive when put next to the anemic new Democrat platform,

which is verbose yet shallow when it comes to the tough realities facing many workers and precarious jobs across the country. Oh, is it Justin, how the fuck would you know? I, I'm, I just, I, this article is bad. I've like never heard an idea from like Justin Ling or even like a sentence where I wasn't like, this guy's stupid, but he is right about one thing. And it's like the factionalism in the left movement where it's like, you know, people are saying like Albertan third worldists, they're, they're like not real communists.

Marxist Leninists are not getting behind Aaron O'Toole either. That is really annoying me. But it is like the main problem are not supporting. Well, yeah. I mean, he's like, the conservatives are cribbing from, you know, Elizabeth Warren, which, which should give you a pretty good idea about how seriously they want to reform capitalism. They're like, let's just get, let's just get a couple guys from the shop floor on a corporate board and then they can be, they can be voted down 99 to one.

Yeah. I think, I think this article in particular, and then what he posted after he posted this article, he posted the, the two guys locking hands meme and it was just like conservatives on one side, communists on the other and like hating the article in the middle. And I think, I think this Ling article just illustrates like this rot at the center of Canadian media where these people have kind of decided that like a way to feel good about yourself is just, if I, is to think, if I'm pissing everyone to the right and left of me off, then I am correct and I am doing a good job.

That's, there's, yeah, that is, that is a virus that is spreading rapidly in this country as well. That's why R. Kelly should be president. No, yeah, it's this idea that like, yeah, like if everybody's calls me an asshole and is making fun of me, then I must be on to something. Yeah. And there must be something like, it's my ideas are so powerful and correct that all, all the usual suspects and by usual suspects, I mean, literally everybody is teeing off

on this. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Another good Ling hit from like a couple days earlier was, you know, the conservatives like put out their platform on Twitter and they posted this, they posted a Canada's recovery plan will secure the future for you, your children and your grandchildren, which was 14 words long and Ling, Ling and his compatriots went off on a tear being like, it says our children, it doesn't say white children, but it's like, okay, yeah, you know, probably

Erno tool wasn't himself wasn't sitting down being like, you know, let's just do the 14 words. It was probably like a staffer, but that's worth talking about. I think in media, when we're rolling into an election, but this class of media pundit has decided no, it's not worth talking about. It's our children. It's not white children. So it's fine.

Let's just move on. Yeah. Like just one more hit from this Ling article, he says, only real policy wonks picked up on a particularly radical proposal from O'Toole's platform. The conservatives are pitching a super EI that would temporarily provide more Jennifer generous benefits to employees in a recession 75% of their previous salary as opposed to the 55% status quo. But that but wait, that's not the radical part in determining when a province in determining

when a province falls into a recession, O'Toole would use the Psalm rule a thus far relatively obscure definition of recession that tracks unemployment, not GDP growth. We currently consider ourselves to be in a recession when the whole country sees a contraction in its GDP over two consecutive quarters O'Toole, for the purposes of EI anyway, would consider a province or territory to be in recession if the unemployment rate rises by a half a percentage point over a quarter. The Psalm rule to this point has largely been used for analysis, not policymaking. Nevertheless, Claudia Psalm, who came up with it, was giddy to see it in the conservative

platform. I jump for joy, Psalm wrote in a recent blog post. Yes, of course, it's cool to see my Psalm role in a platform. What really makes me happy is that the unemployment rate, not politics, would decide when the unemployed get extra financial support. Okay. So that's a big big big up to Claudia Psalm and her wonderful rule. It's a mind of Claudia Psalm.

But so it's like, yeah, these are these are the radical pro worker policies of the conservative party. But like, I mean, I think, I mean, he says at the end, like, you know, always like the liberals like their job just got a whole lot harder. And I guess like in a sense that like, if the conservatives can pretend to come in here and support like, you know, workers being put on corporate boards or raising unemployment insurance, or, you know, just like some meager provisions for gig workers in the form of some sort of tax free savings account that's administered by the companies that employ these

gig workers as contractors. I mean, like, but I mean, this goes back to essentially Trudeau and the liberals problem is like, what the fuck are they offering? Nothing. Yeah, that's it. And if like, if your party has hired an Uber lobbyist to help craft your platform on labor, then you should not be taken seriously. The end, like that's it.

So I mean, like, how is how is how is a tool and the and the the conservatives like, how are they campaigning against Trudeau and the liberals? Like, I mean, like, what has been the tenor of this campaign as far as their, have they been attacking them hard or they've just been like, hey, we have a positive vision for the future of Canada that we will secure for our precious grandchildren. Now, they haven't been attacking super hard. I mean, the whole thing has been, I would say, kind of like a low energy, like people slipping on banana peels every day.

It seems like the most damage that's being done to the parties is being done internally by themselves. Like, you know, like three days ago when the Green Party candidate accidentally endorsed the Liberals environmental platform on television, that was a gaffe, I guess. But like the the conservative platform is interesting in that you can feel like the the fucking radioactive glow from the Silicon Valley people that they have that they have brought in to help them craft the vision of the future. But one thing that stuck out to me is they're celebrating Canadian heritage portion of the

platform. So it says, many of our monuments and cultural landmarks in our state of disrepair. That's why the Conservative Party will finish the victims of communism memorial. Something that the Liberal Party is already doing. So there's there's a little across the aisle like work. You can see that solidarity extend to all of our foreign policy, you know. There's fundamentally no difference, really, in any of the parties. We will make sure that victims of communism sit on corporate boards.

Yes. We'll make sure that there is at least one victim of communism on every corporate board in Canada. Every telecom CEO needs to also join the Vitejian, the Vitejian Rend. Well, I mean, those are the two main parties, but, you know, this is Canada, not America. So we got some other parties running for office here. And, you know, this is like a four or five-way race. So what about the new Democratic Party?

The new Democratic Party, their their platform is, you know, and again, with the housing thing, like, I think housing is 100 is like far and away the most the most pressing issue domestically in this election. And their plan is just pretty vague. It's basically 500,000 affordable housing units, 5,500,000, 500,000 affordable housing units. But I kind of feel like the words affordable housing need to be need to be thrown to the bottom of the ocean because they can what counts as affordable is really elastic.

Shall we say, I mean, like right here in New York City, like, you know, every time that like the city uses money to build the Barclays Center, they're like, oh, well, we're only doing it if you build like X amount of affordable, like, you know, middle income housing units. But like that affordable is determined by the median income of the zip code that the houses are built in, which in Brooklyn is like over $100,000. It's like $70,000 or $80,000 a year. Like that's that's the afford that that that is where the rent is supposed to be affordable at if you're making around 80 grand a year.

Yeah. I mean, it's a fundamentally unserious proposal, their proposal. It's like it's like 500,000 affordable housing units, and then they will stop big money investors from driving up costs, whatever that means, you know, like, they'll ask them politely once again. Yeah. Well, and, and, you know, last week, you could kind of see where the NDP's head was at with with this part of the platform in that one of their one of their candidates from

Ottawa was posting about this, this plank, right, like about their approach to housing, how they're going to solve the housing crisis. And an account, a Twitter account called the Ottawa Small Landlord Association pushed back at them and said, wait a minute, what about our small landlords? And this candidate, this NDP candidate immediately folded and was like, no, no, no, we love landlords. My parents are landlords, mom and pop landlords, mom and pop housing providers is what we're calling them now. I, I actually looked this guy, this association, artisanal small batch landlords.

Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. I looked this association up and it is just one guy. Yeah. That's a really small landlord. Yeah. Yeah.

And renting out a dollhouse. He's so small. He's so small. And this one, this one guy, you know, has like a YouTube channel where he posts shit like, how do, how do evict tenants during COVID, you know, it's like an hour long instructional video. So like, yeah, the candidate just bending over for this account, like immediately is sort of indicative of, of, I think how serious they are.

I love Canada is like, is sensibly left parties because it's like you have two anti-Deutch parties. Yes. And the, the guy standing for the new Democratic party, new Democrat party is Jagmeet Singh. Jagmeet Singh. Yep. That's right. So, like from, from what I can tell seems like, you know, as a person, like a pretty

cool normal dude, but like the weak T that he's continues to pour out is like, I mean, I noticed this, our friend of the show and a chapeau, FYM affiliate, Aaron, who is also, you know, a leading commander in the Wexit Brigade, left, left Wexit. Yeah. Yeah. He wants hard left Wexit now and we support him. But the thing he pointed out about Jagmeet and like, like his, it's sort of like on the, on the, on the stump, on the campaign is that him and the NDP party, they have this weird

thing where they, where they, where they like condemn the, you know, the malefactors of great wealth as FDR said, but they'll, they'll say it in a way that he keeps using the phrase ultra-rich. Ultra-rich. The ultra-rich. Yes. And he says wealthy billionaires as opposed to just sort of the struggling to make ends meet billionaires.

It's this weird way of sort of, I don't know, just sort of like softening the blow here because like, because, you know, I mean, like a lot of their voters are rich people too. Totally. So they don't want like, it's a way rich people don't want to think of themselves as the ultra-rich. It's like, oh, no, no, it's just, it's the ultra, it's the, it's those, it's the ultra-wealthy billionaires that are the problem and not just the sort of humble mom and pop, hundred millionaires. Yeah.

It's like Bobby Axe Axelrod versus that bald guy. Yeah. I mean, the other thing about the NDP is that, you know, there is a provincial NDP government in British Columbia where I grew up that is currently presiding over like the worst opiate crisis in, in Canada. Last week, these stats came out basically the leading gauze of death for men. I think it's aged 26 to 40 in British Columbia is drug poisoning. And they're also overseeing like one of the biggest mass arrests for civil disobedience

in, in this country's history at, at Ferry Creek, which is like an old growth logging site. So, you know, there's video of RCMP with the thin blue line badges, fucking macing land defenders. And this is all happening under an NDP government. So it's really hard to take the federal NDP seriously when they talk about like socially democratic change. It's, it's difficult for them to get their message across while this is going on.

All right. Well, then let's talk about the, the other party, the PPC. Who are the PPC? And then there's one, there's one PPC candidate in particular that I would like to talk about because I think he, he represents a platform that I think all men of stern morality and good conscience can stand proudly behind. Yeah. Like, who, who, what is the PPC party and what's their deal?

Oh, the People's Party of Canada. So it's a Maxime Bernier's party and they are basically like, they're like a tea, like tea party, QAnon, just right wing psychos. Like I'll just go through their platform right now. Very quickly. PCP. Or PCP. PCP.

PCP. I wish it was the fucking PCP party. I would vote PCP party, definitely. Like denim jackets with the sleeves cut off for everyone. Card mandates, vision quests, the PPC, the, the PPC party platform is point number one and all multi-cultural funding. All of it. Just, it's over.

The, we've, we don't need to talk about race anymore. It's done. Second point, limit immigration, fire the chief public health officer and replace her with someone who is quote, not connected to the WHO. People hate laws and drop out of the Paris Accord. And they're one point that I do agree with, which is defund the CBC. CBC has got to go. Well, there is one candidate in particular.

This is a headline from a wonderful Canadian news outlet, The Post Millennial. It says here, PPC candidate calls himself a quote, semen retention soldier and claims he can breathe into his testicles. Chris, can we just, can we just crew up that video here? I mean, I'm just like, listeners will be able to hear the semen retention and testicle breathing method. But we will now, we will now you see people's party candidate for St. John Rousseau showing off his game changing testicular breathing message.

We should really put this part by the paywall. All right, here we go. Is that, am I hearing his balls? Yes. Oh my God. Yeah. No air is leaving anywhere around his skull. It's all coming in and out of the balls.

Okay. For listeners, you just heard testicular breathing, but what I saw is a bald man with a beard and a nose ring rocking back and forth and breathing very heavily through his nose. That's not, no, I mean, like, yeah, half of it, half of his breasts were like going in and out of his nose. Guess where the other half is going? This is the real, this is the real article Justin Link should have written about like the link between leftists and conservatives.

100%. This guy's the real unity candidate. That's right. The Kool-A-Daws. The Kool-A-Daws. I'm just looking at this post millennial article about the Seaman Retention Warrior and right at the beginning of the article, they have an update, they have a correction appended to it that says, a previous version of this said that Piera claimed to be able to breathe

through his testicles. That was incorrect. Piera actually claims to be able to breathe into his testicles. That's right. I mean, like, it's easy to make fun of this, but like, Dan, you brought up how like tainted drugs are like, in some places they're like the leading cause of death for young men. You know what the leading cause of death in every other part of Canada is? Sperm jacking.

That's right. And then it's like, with telehealth, there's going to be more of that. Exactly. I want to read you guys just a brief blurb from his Instagram on the value of Seaman, just so we know where he's coming from, you know? So the vital energy, the semen that supports your life with shines in your sparkling eyes, which beams in your shining cheeks is a great treasure for you. One drop of semen is manufactured through 40 drops of blood.

Your glow and your vibrance and your contentment is dependent on saving your essence. I mean, it's the most inspiring thing I've heard, you know, from anyone, any platform. It's the fricking solutions, okay? Yeah. Trust these guys. Just talk, talk, talk. This guy has an actual plan of action for the people of Canada. Breathe through your balls and don't come.

That's right. And you know, like, and Canada has this sort of unfair stereotype that everything up there is so dull. Well, it's because you aren't glowing enough. And it's because everybody stops nutting. Everyone's just, everyone's recklessly spilling their seed everywhere. 40 drops of blood went into that and you're just spraying it into a towel. The most low energy.

Yeah, the most violent man in Canada is the man who obtains the Lee Seaman, Drake. Why do you think he's doing all that stuff? Just as here, a federal candidate for the People's Party of Canada, Nicholas Piera, also known as Nakula Das, does not masturbate. In fact, the New Brunswick candidate not only does not masturbate, but he also has become well versed in the obscure art of what he calls testicle breathing. The self-described Seaman retention soldier claims to have an endless supply of energy that he uses to spread the knowledge of sexual alchemy all over the world.

Yes. Okay. So now there are some instructions here. This is also from his Instagram. This is testicle breathing. So there's some instructions here on how to do this in case anyone wants to glow and retain limitless real energy. Breathe deeply into your balls, imagining your testicles expanding like lungs.

When you exhale, imagine your testicles deflating like your lungs would. Most men never breathe into their balls consciously. This simple practice can be used to simulate your hashtag sex energy and begin to rotate it around the microcosmic orbit. All right, gentlemen, I mean, everyone here on mic here, we are all testicle havers. I've never tried to breathe into my testicles, but just like, if you would just join me here for a second. Let's see if we can.

All right. Let's see if we can retain our glowing essence by breathing in, not through our balls. I mean, that's ridiculous. Yeah. I mean, you know. Yeah. My dog is looking at me and I have performance anxiety right now because you took away his ability to do this.

Yeah. Yeah. You know what? You'd just be taunting him. Yeah, you're eating in front of a starving prisoner. You're doing math in front of a Polish person. That's what this is like. All right.

Okay. So, I mean, maybe I'll just do it. All right. I'm just like, okay, I'm going to breathe in and I'm imagining my balls inflating. All right. As I breathe out, I'm imagining this. Okay. I mean, like, okay, just on just first plus here, it felt a lot like just breathing.

No, I didn't know. But I did imagine my balls getting bigger. And as I inhaled, I sort of felt like maybe they did get bigger. I'm imagining them playing Scotland the Brave. I saw, so I'm going to tell you guys what I saw. My balls blew up to the size and shape of a bouncy castle and all my dead relatives were playing on it. They started to guide me through my life.

Now, you know, of course, because like, you know, this is way more interesting than like the super EI or whatever the fuck Justin Ling was talking about. So, yeah, yeah. Canadian DARPA. That was another, yeah, literally a program in the conservative platform. We are going to do Canadian DARPA in the, the now bombed out downtown Calgary. They're going to build a fucking Gundam. Figure out how to make actual bacon.

Ava would suck, Ava would suck so much if it took place in Calgary. Oh, yeah. Imagine, that's what he's trying to do. Yeah, totally. So, I mean, I did, I did a little more research on my own from tantricacademy.com about testicle breathing. Just here, when a man is unaroused, the energy in the testicles is in the cold, the in the state.

Testicle breathing guides this cold energy from the testicles up the spine and into the head. Here it stimulates and activates the pineal and pituitary glands. Dr. Joe Dispenza has researched ancient yoga knowledge. This is what he said about these kinds of exercises. When we inhale through our nose and at the same time squeeze our intrinsic muscles, we accelerate the cerebrospinal fluid into the brain. As we follow the movement of energy to the top of the head, then hold our breath and

squeeze, we are increasing ith, ithre, yeah, ithrethecal pressure. The increased pressure moves the cerebrospinal fluid from the fourth ventricle through a small canal in the third ventricle. At the same time, fluid travels around the cerebellum, compresses the crystals of the pineal gland. I mean, shit, if you want to open up that third eye, the pineal gland is the gateway to other realities, other dimensions, and they all flow through your balls. That's why Jewish people get circumcised.

We made up some shit about how God told us to, but really it's like putting a spoiler on the rear of your car, increases air flow. Oh wait, it says here, testicle breathing only works if you have not ejaculated for 30 days. So, well, I'll check back here in the month. Fuck, I was with this, but now this is like Obamacare all over again. I went to the fucking, I went to the semen website and I already have to not be coming. Like it's fucking, it's like early evening, I've done it four times.

Another failed platform, Canadian politics, it's just a fucking desert. Is there anything, is there any like candidate or like anything that like you can look at? And I'm not going to say it gives you comprehensive hope, but you're like, oh, that's like pretty good. I don't mind that. Yeah, the Communist Party of Canada, Canada's oldest political party and the only party with, in my opinion, like a serious platform, like fundamentally serious, everything else I feel like is totally unserious, especially considering like all of these sort of interlocking

crises that are happening right now, you know, due to COVID. Sorry, just looking at the bottom here of the benefits of testicle breathing. And one of the benefits is removes sexual frustration, tension and stress. And it's just like, well, yeah, jacking off does that too. And like, you know, jacking off is something anyone can do. Yeah, I mean, this is like the like antibody cocktail versus the vaccine. Like if you jack, OK, you can do that by jacking off, but that's like five, six, seven times a day.

And that's like, who has time for that? Like, yeah, you could definitely keep getting COVID and take the antibody cocktail or like ivermectin or whatever. But that's like, that's the whole thing, just get the shot, you know, just like do ball breathing. I'm going to do, I'm going to do opposition research on Nikola Das by just hanging around his house and trying to catch him jacking off. Just just have a like a like a like a sort of counter protest outside his house with

just hot babes. I would love that. I would love that if it was like how the CIA trying to delegitimize Castro like this. Like you got like the Mounties just think he's the greatest threat to the ongoing order. And it's like, oh, we're going to, we're going to make it so his TV only shows go daddy ads. All right. Well, the Serrano ads from the fucking hot, that's the reason I can't start that like

shout out Molly, yeah, Jim, shout out queen Molly for that poll, I mean, that commercial is from the mid 2000s and it was like, I totally forgotten about both deserono as a liquor and that ad, but it is the funniest thing I've ever, the look on the bartender's face at the end after that woman mows the ice cube is just like, he's doing this, he's doing a proto Nicholson nod. They're just horny for a low ABV sugary ass drink. It was too much like this. They banned it.

They banned horniness at that point. Yeah. Obama after Obama, like, okay, so it used to be, if you wanted to advertise the product, it was like, this is like, you are going to have sex on the spot when you use this product. And like ever since Obama, that's not been a thing. I mean, Obama replaced horniness with ball breathing. Yeah. I guess we've been, we've been, we've been, we've been relieving sexual tension and energy

not through GoDaddy commercials or deserono liquor. We're doing it by recalibrating our pineal glands through semen retention and ball breathing. I haven't seen any GoDaddy commercials recently, but I bet it's like, you know, it's like a guy on a Yamaha, like skateboarding. And it's like, GoDaddy's where you express yourself. And it's like, no, GoDaddy's where I jack off. It's the only site for porno on the internet. The only, the only downside of electing Doss is that he will immediately declare a fatwa

on the Lady Eminem and all images of the Lady Eminem. The Green Eminem is, any depiction of the Green Eminem is now Haram. Deserono. That's the pleasure round. All right. Well, the closing's out today. I've got a special Canadian reading series from a guy who I think, I think he has earned the title of the basically, Toronto's John Cass.

I'm talking about, I'm talking about the legendary Scrawler, Joe Wormington. Joe Wormington is a Toronto's son columnist. And yeah, he is basically kind of the Canadian version of John Cass. And this column is titled, by the way, this column I had to find is available on the Internet Archive way back machine because it was taken down by the Toronto's son for reasons that will become apparent as I read it. But this is Joe Wormington. We seem to applaud gang culture.

Uh-oh. He writes here, get within two meters, the city calls you selfish and dangerous. Say the following on live TV like former coach, coach's corner host, Don Cherry, and you lose your job and are branded a racist, quote, you people love your our way of life. You love our milk and honey. At least you can pay a couple of bucks for a poppy. That's of course, when Don Cherry is getting mad about not people not wearing the poppy. Oh, that was a big deal up here.

Yeah. So angry. It's like, people obviously in Canada do not go as crazy at the poppies as the Brits do. Right. Like it's, I'd say like, like there's a specific type of columnist that wants us to go that crazy. Is there like, there isn't even like a Canadian Gallipoli or anything, right?

Like they didn't get exactly as owned as the other Commonwealth powers did during that. There's about to be once I get this thumb drive with the old anarchist cookbook in it to Alberta. You're going to see Gallipoli times 10 pussies let us to see the battle for Edmonton. Dude, me and Aaron raising the flag. So it says here, yeah. So if you say like, if you go on TV as Don Cherry and tell people to wear the damn poppy, you lose your job.

But if you wrap, got hose that I'm keeping in the dark, I got my, you know, across the street live in large thinking back to the fact that they dead and you're an ambassador for the NBA champion Toronto Raptors. Oh boy. Things are backward. Toronto is still reeling from the brazen daylight slaying of 21 year old rapper Houdini, a 15 year old boy and a 27 year old woman were also struck. If only three people shot in broad daylight in Toronto's entertainment district struck

as much a nerve as the pandemic picnickers did in Trinity Bellwoods Park. Other than to say it makes him very angry that a few people take a safe city and turn it into a situation like this. Mayor John Tory has been quiet, but on the cherry blossoms, he closed down, but on the cherry blossoms, he closed down High Park on people getting too close to walking their dogs. He introduced $1,000 tickets, one too many congregating at the park. He scolded people like criminals now bringing in his George Orwell style circles to kettle

people while gangsters shoot and kill as part of a culture that comes with the soundtrack of racist, misogynistic and violent tracks. Even Houdini foreshadowed his future in his hit songs. Tory lost his career over next to nothing while Drake isolates in his bridal path mansion bragging about his new lake-sized pool. Houdini is dead. If he'd committed a social distancing violation, perhaps someone would have intervened. This is obviously all an assault on Drake and the fact that he is a global ambassador

for Toronto and the Toronto lifestyle. This column was taken down by the Toronto Sun though because the lines that he attributes to Drake, which are once again, got hosed and I'm keeping in the dark. I got my woo-up across the street, living large, thinking back to the fact that they dead. Drake never, that's not a good word. Like he thinks Drake is like drilling shit. Drake doesn't think that.

This is insane. The story of Houdini is insane. It's an insane story and there is a lot of insane like Toronto gang stories. It hasn't gotten quite as crazy as Chicago or Jacksonville or anything, but it is very darkly funny to pin this on Drake. The idea that all these gangs started because they saw Drake in 2014 singing about red messages and being like, oh, I have to kill everyone. I want to be just like him, so I'm going to start a gang.

He's hooked an entire generation of Canadian youth on taking half his NX during an international flight. This is like saying like that the gangs in Chicago started because of cool in the gang. That's where Larry Hoover got the idea. Yeah. And then I was just going through Joe Warmington's archives and he has done about 30 columns in the Toronto Sun over the past two weeks, referring to what he refers to as the Terps in Afghanistan being left behind.

And by that I mean he means- Trans-exclusionary. Radical. Profusionist. Yeah. Oh, okay, damn, that's what Lowell believes. Damn. First JK Rowling, now him.

No, the Terps of course have the interpreters. And like I said, I mean like, that's sort of Warmington's columns, like I said, like for a reading series that was really quick. It was like basically two paragraphs, but I mean he just scrawler, he just fucking churns these things out, man. He's a content fountain. He's not like John Cass, where John Cass, it's like, well, like got up this morning and you know, peed in three streams as always, one of them is black, it's been that way for

the last year, a bird came in and like made a cry that sort of sounded like the word fat. There were seven dead rats leading to my doorstep. My wife hid the maple syrup. There's not a lot of the, you know, expository writing with the scrawler. Yeah, no, there's, I mean, like that's the thing, like he is kind of the Toronto John Cass and that he is just like, he's like, you know, Don Cherry can't go on TV and tell immigrants to go home, but Drake can talk about, you know, running through the six,

doing littering, get it out of here, things are backwards. But he like, because, I mean, it's like kind of sums up the difference in Canada and America. It's just he doesn't have, he doesn't have the same instinct to share details from his own personal life, which makes it, you know, I mean, maybe he's not the Canadian John Cass, because like, you got to, you got to have, you got to have that anguish. You have to have that personal, yeah, you have to be miserable existential fucking pain in everything. And then he's just kind of, he's just a guy shaking his fist.

This is why I like donned it better than CLB, like, yeah, CLB is like not bad, but it's like, man, this isn't like, this isn't human, Donda's human, John Cass is human, John Cass is, I want to kill myself to eat sausage. So I guess we could, we're coming here to the only reasonable conclusion Canadians are not human. Yes. Yes. Well, no, there's a reason the entire world consumes American art, but like, there are

only a few things that make it out of Canada. And they're like, they're, they're, they're genius products. It's Drake, it's trawler park boys. It's nothing else. You can't think of any more kids in the whole thing. Kronenberg. Yeah. I don't know.

There is, there is a lot of like, there is a lot of good Canadian shit, but it doesn't like, you know, Americans, we put our shit out there on the world and it's, we turn people. We like bite them on the arm and they become like, everyone becomes a little bit of American. No one's becoming Canadian. It's true. The Canadians just become American. Exactly. Well, you have to, if you want to get anything out, I mean, to, I mean, to close out the,

I think, I think the final, really the, the final nail in the coffin of America's dominance over Canada. We just talked about how Drake, you know, is Canada's biggest cultural export, you know, he's making an impact on the world. He showed everyone about the six, but who has now displaced him as the world's foremost owl guy? That's right. It's me, Will Menaker.

Oh man, yeah. That that Ovo shit is over as soon as, as soon as I'm out there with a great Eurasian eagle owl on my wrist, the open step wind in my hair, Drake, it's over for him. It's over for Ovo. Will Menaker is the reign of the owl. The court of the owls begins now. You look directly into its eyes. Yep.

What did you see? It's not so much what I saw, but what was taken from me, which is my soul, but it's being guarded. It's being like, my soul is in a safe place now. It's in the owls. An owl is like for your soul and owl is like those little things in airports and bars where you can charge your phone. It's like Aaron O'Toole's employee savings account.

Yes. Yes. Your soul grows for your soul. Imagine 1.8% compounded interest on your soul every year. By the time you retire, you have two souls. No, my soul is currently, it's with the owls now. They have it. I expect they're going to take good care of it.

It's in their possession, but in exchange for that, through semen retention, I will be greatly crystallizing my pineal gland. Whatever I lose in soul loss, I will make up for a warrior-like real energy that comes from never nutting. That's why the doctor feels your balls. These are all, they all work for the deep state. A lump in your balls means that there's crystal forming and chemotherapy destroys that. Everyone knows that everyone's had a relative that's gone through chemotherapy.

What do they always tell chemo patients? You have to jack off four times a day. That's what the MRI is doing. The MRI is like a big fleshlet you go into. They're trying to prevent the great third eye awakening. We went on this falconry excursion with our friends from New Mexico. One of the things our friend told me was that in New Mexico, of course, owls are, there's a lot of indigenous folklore and mythology about owls that they are, they basically,

they are the guardians or conduits for the souls of the dead. A lot of that, the main reason is because owls are the only bird that can look you directly in the eyes. I would be so fucking mad if my guardian, the guardian of my soul after I died like flew into a window, feel like such a fucking asshole or a jet engine. Yeah. It would be like when you, you get to your terminal and your flight gets canceled. Your soul is just standing around there like, well, okay, I guess I can go to souls in

a bun. Your soul's a tasty half sandwich at the bottom of the dumpster crawled in and then got trapped in there and died. Well, my, my, I was supposed to like go to the land of the dead, but my soul like got run over. My soul escort got run over and now I'm going to the, the soul brook stone to read a, a soul John Grisham book stuck at the soul Hudson news for the rest of eternity. It's not so bad.

You can get soda there. Mm hmm. Yeah. All of the books are just killing yourself by Bill O'Reilly. And in the Hudson news purgatory, all right, well, let's say we should wrap it up there for today. I'd like to once again thank Dan Beckner for joining us on this, the road to the Northern lands.

Thank you. Thank you for having me on. And if you haven't already, please check out his, your new, your podcast, The Bottleman. Yeah. Bottleman podcast, two episodes a week. And if you like the music, I have a music Patreon as well. We will have links to both of them in the show description. Dan Beckner, always a joy and a pleasure, sir.

And good, good luck with everything up in Canada. I hope the election turns out well, we'll, we'll see. All right. And bye. Bye to our listeners. Remember, breathe into your testicles. Not through them. Bye.

Bye. I mean, where the fuck should I really even start? I got hoes that I'm keeping in the dark, I got my niggas cross the street, living large, thinking back to the fact that they dead, thought my raps wasn't facts, so they sat with the bars. I got two phones, one needed charges. Yeah, they twins, I can tell they had some part.