Chapo Trap House - 574 - Bovine University (11/8/21)

Episode Date: November 9, 2021

We spend the top half of the show talking about new satanic panics and everyone in this country suffering from self-inflicted Havana Syndrome. Then some lighter stuff, like Joe Biden shidding and farding on European royalty, and Bari Weiss’s new University of Forbidden Knowledge. Grab your tickets to our 12/8 show at Asbury Hall in Buffalo: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/chapo-trap-house-tickets-201713088277 And have you checked out our new merch drops? Some good shit in here: https://shop.chapotraphouse.com/

So I don't know where to begin with this episode. I'm just gonna say it's time for it's time for a chapeau call out and That is for for years for months and years now Felix has been promoting the work of Barney and after his performance at Astro World this weekend I think it's finally time that we recognize that the dark dark satanic energies that Barney is bringing at his concerts Literal literal human sacrifice. Are you willing to repent for your promotion? You are so you're so full of shit. It's like insane. How full of shit you are like literally Like first of all, okay for a fucking Elmo fan To accuse somebody of this like a fucking Elmo fan. Are you joking?

Like one of the most narcissistic performers on earth one of the most cynical fucking performers on earth Elmo You're gonna tell me Barney satanic. Yes Barney uses out there imagery. He's been experimenting since the 80s But like Barney was the first major performer to push for like security to have Narcan at his shows And you're really gonna like accuse this isn't his fault, dude Oh, so Felix. Oh, so Felix Felix when Barney was on stage with Drake singing rhythmically and in a certain high fear Frequency one to buckle my shoe one to buckle my shoe with a giant eye of Horace rotating behind them And then and then and then literally people being sacrificed in the audience. You're you're willing to defend this Okay, first of all, you're y'all you're gonna just turn your turn your eyes away from this this evil first of all

The fact that they are doing one to buckle my shoe You like know so little about music like you're such a fucking like pitchfork dickwriter You don't know that Barney's friend who overdosed wrote that song and that's why he's doing it. It's not a Barney song It's like Barney like Barney does that every November because that's when his friend died Oh, yeah, well, like I'm a lot of other people died too at his concert. I mean like You know, I don't want to like get conspiratorial, but like Barney is one of the only celebrities who like openly talks about Palestine I don't you know, I don't want to like go crazy here, but crazier shit's happened, right? You know, that's what we say I just like we're talking about a guy who like before this concert

Well, everyone was fucking praising Big Bird You know Big Bird doing what he does making a big show of things being a fucking diva. Oh, you know get the vaccine I'll take like one hour out of my trailer to like do a thing Barney was like Barney put on like a beanie and like sunglasses. It was just going door-to-door with like doctors like People from medicine some frontiers Vaccinating people in low-income neighborhoods in Los Angeles So yeah, I mean, it's like you want this you like want Barney to be the villain so fucking bad because you think it's like Contrarian you think it's like edgy

But you don't realize that Barney has been the villain for like 30 years People who've always been accusing Barney of shit. It's always been rumors. It's always been bullshit It's always been hearsay, but the fact is your favorite like I don't care who you're a fan of Everyone from our friends every time I die To like, you know, let's say yeah, Drake They all grew up rocking with Barney buying those tapes Rewinding them fucking memorable concerts like Barney live at Radio City Music Hall That's where all modern music came from he changed the game. Okay. How about another Barney live concert?

You don't think it's a bit a bit odd It doesn't doesn't doesn't make your third eye tingle a little bit that when Barney and baby bop did a concert at the large Hadron Collider Where they sent children through the energy vortex. First of all, no children were harmed And if they were they got a copy of equivalent children from a parallel reality There has been an epidemic of Changelings since the Barney large Hadron Collider concert. It's estimated that one in ten American children are Changelings from a different dimension now and you think this is okay. You're okay with that You're attacking Big Bird. You're attacking Big Bird in Elmo. Okay, Big Bird. Are you okay?

If we're gonna talk about like who did what morally compromised concert? We're not gonna talk about how like Big Bird when he you remember when Big Bird owed all that money on taxes Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. You know how he like paid that bill. He didn't not just one concert, but five concerts for Adnan Kishokie Yeah, okay. Yeah a fan of Big Bird is gonna like tell me who's morally compromised here in this universe short to be fair to Felix Big Bird did place on city in 1985. I'm so a lot of people did I mean he played it to spread the message of the He was supporting the ANC by going there It is so revisionist. It's like Big Bird. Big Bird was one of the producers on that Jack Abramoff apartheid movie

Scorpion, okay. Yeah, okay, and then when Barney remember when Barney played San Francisco and Someone in the audience had a sign that said F a SF loves Barney and they and he's in Barney stopped the concert to condemn Shin Fane, okay, so that was when Barney was doing his character the thin purple dude It's Yeah, it's it's really fun to give yourself schizophrenia What else yeah, I mean like yeah, that's I mean that is the main rub with the Travis Scott thing is like I'm not gonna begrudge anyone for going crazy online. You know like do what you got to do We're talking about the people who think that Travis Scott is a satanic emissary and like purposely killed all those people I mean just like over the story the the deaths at the Astro World Concert. It's um, I think it's funny

Okay, so it's got they got the Houston Police Department saying that it was like someone in the crowd was injecting people with fentanyl or whatever Yeah, the Joker is real and he lives in hot Houston Has there ever been anything that you've just like instantly believed less than that And it's just like I mean it's just like it doesn't seem too complicated what happened here despite the despite the scary imagery on stage It's just like this was a Truly like poorly run festival done by like greedy incompetent pieces of shit like live nation Who like don't care about anyone who works for them or certainly not any of the the livestock that they view attending their concerts And it's like could that could that be the explanation or was he channeling? Um satanic energy in a mass Scorpio human sacrifice

I don't know. I don't know what's at play here. I mean, I know which one is more fun I know which one is a more enjoyable story to tell around the campfire the idea that the McDonald's rapper is trying to sacrifice your children That's pretty cool as opposed to yeah, they just didn't care boring. Yeah I mean like does this retcon anything just like great white sacrificing people The who and Cincinnati Yeah, it just like okay first of all Travis got famously wrapped the line the devil is my op You can look that up. It's true. It's not a satanist and it's just I mean, I don't know like again I am not gonna begrudge anyone for it because like look sometimes sometimes you got to go crazy

Sometimes you sometimes you got to go nuts, but I just I do not Think I do not think this one You your feet are gonna slip off the sand bar on this one You're gonna fall into the tide this one. This one does not have lasting power because I just Travis Scott is too much of a like a cipher to be like a satanic anti-Christ figure I think he could lead a lot of like 21 year olds, but like anyone anyone older than 26 I mean like it's just they're not getting involved in his anti-Christ project

He's just like it's just like it's that's just such it like it's such a boring explanation for it because it's like okay If that's the leading satanic emissary who's like already openly sacrificing people to the point that you can tell just like sitting at your computer It's not like someone like more interest. It's just like a very like middling rap star Who's like main thing is that he's like lit. His catchphrase is it's lit? Yeah? Lightbringer Lucifer lightbringer come on lightbringer Lucifer It almost feels like you guys are you guys are covering for something like I mean We are out here talking about all this conspiracy stuff your your gladiose your your Epstein's and yet all of a sudden This is a bridge too far makes you wonder if we're with you guys are covering for something. What?

Yeah, Travis Scott is the mastermind of all this Travis Scott. He's the one. He's the he's the one pulling the strings slad I mean, I used to think about a Satanism is that Even if Travis Scott is a member of the Church of Satan and was like channeling demonic energies That shit isn't real And to the extent that I'm evil rich people seem like they worship the devil It's only because they have money. I am like that's what that's what allows them to kill people I have reminded of what our great friend Michael M. Hud said

That people like convince themselves People are like I don't believe in God, but I do believe in Satan and I believe he's working with the government and Travis Scott What the fuck what the fuck are you getting at here? I mean, okay, so I saw the worst possible thing you can see You know the worst tragedy in the world, right when mutuals fight. Oh god hate to see it. It's awful It's awful. That's the real Satanism But I saw some of my mutuals fighting about Satanism and my friend one friend was saying like Satanism isn't real and The Church of Satan replied to him and was like, oh, yeah, and you know, it's like a gift of like Walter White or some bullshit

But that I that like proves his point. Okay, that's the Church of Satan Which in reality if you look at what it actually is like the biggest Organization front-facing organization for worshiping Lucifer the light bringer It is a bunch of libertarian atheists who like dressing up like Dracula I just think like, okay, if you're gonna believe that like Satanic child sacrifice rituals via music festivals is a real thing Then why is it Travis Scott? Who's the emissary the devil and not live nation because they don't have anything cool and spooky to Unpack they don't have any lyrics. They don't have any imagery. They don't have any stage

Props that you can point to in circle because it's all about decoding a text like that's the fun of it It is interactive. It's it it's where you go when there's nothing for you to do or believe in You have to give yourself schizophrenia by staring at the Sun basically until you go blind Because there's nothing else to do that you either have to like accept your powerlessness And then like drain like the the spectacle of politics and culture of like any real Meaning or you have to squint harder and find it And that's a way more like emotionally rewarding thing to do. It's more fun It's it's why like, you know conspiracy to stuff obviously conspiracies government conspiracies real things like

Rich people love dressing up and doing spooky shit because they're all a bunch of theater dorks at heart But the reality of it is is really kind of gray and depressing the the the narrative of it though the the story that the aesthetic Like framework around like the dull reality of class rule is like that's the candy coating that's the fun stuff and eventually as like your ability to affect anything outside of your life change like gets reduced to do a pinhole that That becomes The only thing left to really care about but I do wonder like what the what the game plan is for the going all in on like the Literally satanic nature of popular culture people because like that's that's been done

You know, you're literally gonna end up outside of like A bumbershoot with a sandwich board telling people to repent before they go in I know I mean like Speaking of things that have been done like haven't we had like two or three Pop culture cycles where some of the biggest musical acts like do scary stuff Haven't we gone through that with rock like three or four fucking times like last 30 years? Yeah Marilyn Manson that did Columbine. Yeah, I mean, I think like like having in earlier era is like, you know Like the 90s in particular was just like, you know, like when Marilyn Marilyn Manson was the scary thing and or you know doom or whatever

I think it was like people had like a better sense of the future as something they believed in and now that like as now Was saying like people Confront their own powerlessness or inability to enact or work for a better future one that they believe in I mean like you Yeah, I mean like you like you you will find yourself like you said like investing in the symbolic, right? Or I think a lot of people have just chosen to become Republicans Yeah, essentially to like reverse engineer the exact same beliefs of like a hysterical suburban housewife from the 1980s But do it from a place where you started out of like I believe in socialism and like a materialist base for history and economics But now like I just really wonder though like going down that like how how much will you be focusing on like the right to fucking

Healthcare or housing or like a labor union like if you're backing yourself into the belief that TV shows and popular music are Turning your kids into devil worshipers. Yeah, I do really wonder what the action item there I is everyone just going to turn into van Helsing gonna be walking around with like a suitcase full of Wooden stakes if they encounter a celebrity. No, I think we're just gonna like everyone's just gonna cycle through the last 30 years forever I think yeah, yeah, you're like 25 you like walk backwards into into like PMR C shit Or like Jerry Falwell shit, and then when you're like 35 That's when you get into Christopher Hitchens and yeah busters and torrenty and then when you're for then when you're like 45 You're like, oh like oh, I'm like crumping with gritty

Yeah, when you're 50 you're religious again, and then you just like you do it forever you just keep it's like It's like cultural tenant basically. Yeah, like we this is this is how you know that that culture war is is is sterile And doomed because it has not advanced since it began like the modern culture war era Uncoincidentally begun as neoliberalism is imposed and the same contours The same sides have been in existence since the only thing that changes that the specific like groups oscillate between the positions That's it, but nothing moves and that there's no advancement. There is no greater realization or or real or the Bring together of like a new understanding that like challenges

The status quo there's just you move from one to the other and then you get bored over there And then you have to go to the other side unless you stop paying attention Which is not it's hard for people when they don't have anything else to care about And that was he said yesterday like we're just every it's all the yellow wallpaper now Yeah, yeah, like we say like everyone is in a like nicely appointed drawing room. Yeah losing their mind. Yep Because of just loneliness. Yeah, no, everybody we spend as much time isolated like like being on the computer you are alone technically as as a very bored Victorian housewife and we are as neurotic and We're and we have now though. We don't have to look at it's like the yellow wallpaper

She had to just look at some wallpaper We got moving wallpaper where we can like point and click and move through the metaverse wallpaper and just dive into it and live There forever There was like an escape route offered to us not like materially or anything or politically but culturally at least When the question was asked to us push I see and spot him got him linked up needed We rebuffed them they were like, you know, you don't have to keep over You don't have to keep reliving and rehashing less 30 years You don't have to just like live your parents life and then your parts of your life

And it just keeps feeling worse and worse and you enjoy less things. There's like a new thing It's they linked up like do you do you want it like whether whether it's this like a Sort of a new satanic panic or I think like a better example would be the Houston chief of police Saying that there's now an open criminal investigation into who was stabbing people with fentanyl needles at the at the concert So like essentially just cover for the criminal negligence of the like large concert promoting courted company that live nation Jacob backer acts of this and I think he's a thousand percent, right? I think this is evidence of the like the accelerating Havana syndrome Isation of every person in America. Yes, absolutely. Yeah, we all have Havana syndrome one way or like we

It's not that we have it It's that we believe in it and that there are like there are distinct Havana syndromes that like everyone can like it's sort of like Order a la carte right to explain And what are what are at bottom very like boring awful problems that like we've given up solving and you can disdain the other Havana syndromes and affirm your like rational and reasonableness because you don't believe in those But then there's the one that you do believe in that's different the one that's that's science Like yeah cops looking at fentanyl and and flopping around like drought. That's real when really like every I would say

99% of illnesses people are lying for attention about Everyone's always like oh like don't don't get COVID there'll be like no ICU beds left for people who have real problems like what? Bullshit diseases you've told me about Seasonal effective disorder. I just want to say hello to them some medical professionals man It's like man if you want that hospital Jello just say so So we all go to the hospital for well I mean as we talked about before Havana syndrome is the only one of these diseases that if you have you can get healthcare Yeah, yeah, all right moving on from actually not moving on from Satan segwaying segwaying very nicely into

Real Satan worshipers and the power of the occult Did you see the story about Joe Barton Joe Biden ripping ass in front of Camilla the Duchess of Cambridge? God, he's good. He's you know what he's delivering. I got to say it's frustrating that they do keep him away from the public for long stretches So you don't get that daily Daily antics like you had under Trump, but it kind of makes it even better in some ways because you get these like Punctuated incidents that are then way funnier for coming in the heels of a dry spell. It's like, yeah He's like where's Joe? We don't know he's gone and then boom. Yeah He was just farting his ass off in front of the Duchess of

Cumber shirt or whatever the fuck. I didn't even know he was going to England That's how like little we're able to keep up like with Trump. We always do. Oh, he's gonna be in India next week That's gonna be fun with Joe. It's like it's like before Chapelle like sign the Netflix deal where it's like, oh surprise show and So like before you know it, you're not even you're not even thinking about like what Joe is doing because it's like It's gonna be like a month till I see another hit again, and he's already like reeked methane havoc It's awful woman. So according to the the British the British paps This is Camilla could not stop talking about just how audibly and ol factory. She was assaulted by just Joe Biden Just fucking just oh just sitting on the duck right in the fucking house of Windsor

But now this comes on the heels I don't know if you guys follow this story but now keep in mind this is being reported in the Italian press So take it with a grain of salt because probably the source was like a psychic or something There was a story about how the the other week during his meeting with his holiness the the Pope No, this is confirmed their their scheduled meeting did run longer Considerably longer than the press or the you know like sort of schedulers had anticipated now sources in the Italian press say This is because Joe Biden during his audience with his holiness the Pope on shit himself Yeah, and they needed to like extra time to like wipe him and change him before he like you know emerged from the you know

The private meeting with the Pope princess So I mean like if this is true and the farting story. I mean that's in the British press, so you know it's true Yeah, no Paragons. Um for this is within the span of two weeks Joe Biden take literally taking a shit on the Vatican and Then ripping ass on the House of Windsor, sorry House of Goods, Saxa How is how is Burgine? Yeah, no, honestly respect. Yeah back-to-back Frank Dreben presidencies. I Mean just tormenting

Society fancy pants is across the world. Yeah. Well, like I mean we're talking about reliving everything I feel like we had this exact thing with Trump like yeah early into it Yeah, he went to England and he like clearly grossed out the Queen. He patted her on the head like that minion Yeah, but like I feel like there was like a very early like Trump shit himself story and it's like we're like with That and like the let's go branded thing Let's go branded thing reminds me so much of like do-tard of like all yeah, you like resistance jokes Trump It's gonna fall over again, baby. Yeah, we're all playing in the same dirty puddle. What I love about let's go Brandon Actually, can we just say it real quick? Let's go Brandon. Let's go Brandon. I don't even know what it means

They're just like cheering for people named Brandon. They're good people. They're simple people I'm actually I'm gonna change the let's go Brendan. We love Brendan. We love blowback. Don't we? Let's fuck Brendan Let's fuck Brandon. By the way, I was I'm on I'm on the West Coast right now I took a two planes out here not neither pilot said let's go Brandon neither one I was very disappointed, but what I like about it is You know a lot of people said like incorrectly so that like you know a lot of what is currently considered polite society had no problem Saying fuck Donald Trump while he was president. Yeah, so like they're right There's a little bit of hypocrisy and people you know pretending that this is some some some new fucking

Yeah, it's some new plateau fucking, you know fascism and vulgarity in America But like why can't they just say fuck Joe Biden because they were raised better than that well It's because it's a little coded a little wink. It's like lol It's the it's like remember the fucking the ok sign deal. Yeah, I'm right Yeah, yeah, yeah, like I'm not touching you right and it wouldn't work if people didn't bite and that's more than anything the most depressing thing about this is yes, we're in the we're on the wheel We can never escape it, but just watching people take the bait and be like, uh, this is essentially a fascist code single You hear this it's like activating MK ultra

assassins When people said that the southwest pilot it was like he pledged allegiance to ISIS. It's like yeah You are his like we need to bring back like thalidomide. I don't know what we need something I mean for everyone everyone needs it because it's not it's like the libs like they're so january 6th build that like yeah You hear like let's go branded or any of this fucking lame shit that you as a sort of normal person see and you're like Who the fuck would be afraid like who gives a shit like whatever and they're like Oh, would you would you be laughing if he beheaded a woman? And but then on the other side, it's like you see the lib bullshit where it's like, oh like yeah

Oh, Kathy Griffin is gonna like you should kill donald trump with the katana and some bullshit photo shoot And people are like people are like leaving work to try to drive to dc to protect the president and baron I remember what happened people argued that that baron might see it and think his dad would have been murdered Yeah, that yeah, I mean like back to the drawing board with that kid if that's what he thinks but like um I I think that's kamala like dead in the water josh hallway. No swag I think like ron desantis has like the political version of the madden curse Where like if you're like three years out like that's the guy suddenly he's gonna fuck up in some way

He's gonna andrew gillum himself. He's probably gonna recreate that andrew gillum photo with andrew gillum They're both gonna be smoking meth. I think it's probably more likely that josh hallway is gonna andrew gillum himself Yeah, with like a pes dispenser. He does not have the courage to smoke meth at all but like I think like the future is that like you see you get donald trump and you're like who's more like Decrepit and like less with it than this guy And it's like we got him joe biden You just keep moving up like four years every time

And I think like the next thing would be I think we have to get like bob dole on the republican side. He's still alive. He is Yeah, he is when norm mcdonald died and he tweeted like rip norm. We had a great time working together. I was like, what the fuck? What the fuck? I was he's still alive I was norm mcdonald dead and bob dole is still alive We just have to keep making the president older increasingly older one-term presidents of both parties And they can do one thing they can do like what like they obviously like courts and shit But they can pass like one big bill

But the main thing is that like your side has like a new shitty meme about the old president that you see less and less and you know If you're talking like whether it's the let's go brandon thing or what we were just talking about with like, um, Is travis scott In the antichrist or whatever Or it's just like or or or getting mad at big bird because they're promoting Vaccinating children or whatever. It's just like it seems that like like political issues and like, you know, the the the The the crt thing and the virginia governor's race. It just seems that like

Politics now is a contest between the competing And increasingly hysterical neuroses of either side and you form your politics in opposition to the hysterical neuroses of either liberals or conservatives by Butchressing your own utterly idiotic and hysterical Fucking neuroses you it. Yeah, it had it is two mind palaces is fighting each other you can't you cannot be outside of it because The the news is being made like the events that everyone was responding to are being made by these groupings and so like and because politics is geared towards

Hysterical suburbanites So they are going to dictate what politics are and then all you can do no matter what you think you're doing no matter how you think you're Triangulating away from it if you're going to engage with it you have to pick a side because that's where there's two centers of gravity There's two poles. It's a binary star system. There's no room for anything else Everything else gets pulled into the gravitational field of one or the other and uh, I mean, I don't like the the the virginia governor's race thing but like Normally, I would say like there are a few political causes

I not just care less about but like a more actively hostile to than anything organized by moms Like like moms as a political force like is just almost always horrible and like the idea that like our politics largely does cater to Suburban mothers is you know, it's it's something that it's going to have to be dealt with on one way or the other But I do think it is funny now that democrats have have lost this this what they've regarded as like a winnable governor's race That they're all sort of like a lot of their partisans in the media Like they seem to just be like pretending now that like Like wokeness was never a thing and that they never like engaged in it or because I mean it worked great for them in the primaries But now they're like, oh like that's not us. We never did that. It's all made up

It's a total fabrication It never happened and like a lot of it is made up But like it's certainly like when it was a political boon to them They were it was they were happy to indulge it but now that it seems like it's a liability for them Everyone's just pretending like it never happened. It's great when you're tricking Bernie Sanders to hiring the fake barbershop guy I Mean like it but it is there is a central truth that like Wokeness or whatever the fuck you want to call it like we'll just like to make everyone happy a cynical

deployment of id bull right that it is ephemeral right it By definition it is ephemeral because when we first saw them break it out and like I would say around like 2014 2015 around like the start of sort of like a nascent Obama skeptic to oba anti obama left that the response was like Oh, well, why are drones a problem when a black guy does it? That was like the very crude first iteration of it But then you know when sanders kind of surprised the surprise the dnc That's when they were like, okay. We really we really got to develop this thing But from the get-go it was like ephemeral and contradictory

Because you're doing this for a woman who eight years ago So, you know ran a steve vannon campaign it by definition. It is anything that is still one of the most amazing things of all time Yes, the the the The complete system-wide amnesia on that that she ran the she said white She said I do better with white people. Yes. Yes So I do I do then she was able to say a is uh will Breaking up the banks and racism. I don't think so. So yeah, no, I do agree with the media partisans Yeah, no, it isn't a thing. But that's the point. It's designed to not be a thing

It's designed to get someone like bernie to chase fucking phantoms It's designed to trick someone into just satisfying Satisfying a benchmark that can never be satisfied and I guess like on the other side like the people who have like organized around like Oh, like crt is being taught to my second grader or whatever I mean, I guess like the question for these people is like What accounting of american history would you find appropriate to be taught in schools and like I don't think they have an answer to that Because if they did honestly answer it it would give up the game, right? Because all this shit is ephemeral all crt. Just like just like how like remember common core

Yeah, all of this is all the point of all this just the point of every culture war issue is not to win it It's to do it forever. So nothing can be defined. That is the point of it So you keep fucking doing it. It's it's it's it's in Afghanistan that you're fighting through articles. Yeah No one wins Except then you don't win and with the with the all the Education stuff specifically. It's even more doomed because although it's you know, it's good for a guy like glenn blumkin Who can come in as like a fucking former carlyle group executive guy who was painting thermite plasma Under the goddamn twin towers and then gets to be the governor of because he's gonna fight

Fight for your kids right to not feel sad about being white Is that they're not actually mad about anything in schools? Like there is a remarkable dearth of any actual Content that anyone is pointed to in schools. It is really just a vibe that they're getting and they're getting it from culture They're getting it from the tv from the streaming shows from the tiktok trends, which are all made by and for this group of uh liberal people who are Relatively well off in a system that is rapidly deteriorating. They were witnessing everything go to hell But they are doing pretty good. How do they square that they have to cleanse themselves somehow? and so their

Output is going to be neurotically fixated on questions of guilt and and performance of virtue That the parents who don't care about that stuff are alienated by and more than being afraid that kids are going to be traumatized They're afraid their kids going to believe it and think they're an asshole Yeah, I think alex farine was really on point about that where it's just like yeah It's not about what kids are being taught in schools specifically It's about this nagging and probably correct fear that one day your kid will condescend to you because of something that they were That they learned in college or in heist right and it's like that's literally having a child like they're all Do that? Yeah, but we have this machine that will try to convince you that you can you can you can command the tide not to come in

if you elect these fucking gargoyles to to like waterboard kids with With William Bennett books about American history and that's going to make them nice and compliant and never Never like assholes to you. I saw some a new Sorry, but it's like yeah, and it's no less You know remove it from policy because it's I mean, you know, we're so far gone caring about that Um, I mean any policy you could put anything where it's conservatives or like Aster to turf group of moms talking about schools. It's always a fucking stalking horse for breaking the teacher's union always

Yeah, but no, it's about privatizing all education. Right, but as far as like just is is this campaign? Does it revolt me to my core? No more than when democrat said george floyd is on the ballot this year brian and pallet is on the ballot this year What a fucking insane the evil thing to say Yeah, vote for vote for fucking Max rose because you're voting for george floyd. What the fuck are you talking about? As long as you're talking about child sacrifice, you remember kids in cages Yeah

Remember that remember that? Yeah, if you didn't vote for Joe Biden, you were like you were condemning thousands of children to be held in privately run concentration camps What happened with that by the way? Oh, yeah, they get to be with their parents. That's all fine. Yeah, so I've been taking care of don't worry about it but no, I was like on the crt thing I saw a news segment where Like a reporter interviewed one of these like moms for liberty groups And they were like, oh well, it's like it's not really about the content It's about the the age appropriate level for students, right?

She was like, I don't think a second grader should be taught like, you know The horrors of the middle passage or chattel slavery, which you know, say what you will about, you know At what age is too young to like learn really horrible evil things from history? but like Nobody Would or could make the argument that like there's any age too young to for instance teach kids about the holocaust Or like the gas chambers or whatever and I think that's because like the nazis did that And then we stopped them. So we're good. Whereas like chattel slavery in the western hemisphere is like, well, that's that's the holocaust that we did literally

So like so when you teach your kid about that, you're like, oh, then they'll think that they're bad Or that like America is bad or something unlike the horrible evil things done in history by other countries You also can't give up the game You can't give up the game of why it's different in american context You can't say like, okay. Yeah, we're Everyone in some way is going to get like some chance to assimilate or like roll into this thing but like

Black is always going to mean the same thing because it's the thing that we define every other race by They're proximity to you can't give up that game. You can't give up the game of like There's a very limited definition of mobility in this country. Well, uh, speaking of um Education and identity politics. You want to talk about um, Barry Weiss's bovine university? Yes. Yes I got I oh, I was I always hate talking about her because as we've discussed There's just nothing there like absolute zero So this is such a next step. This is so next level that I got to tip the cap This is this is like, uh

Then the soup in the comic book when all of the the bad guys get together to open a university This is every time whenever I read of her like doing a new stunt like this It's a it's what I imagine the feeling of like overdosing on trazadone feels like So I don't know if you saw this but um, uh, uh, Barry Weiss is launching what is going to be known as the University of Austin with a A murderer's row of people in Epstein's black book Steven Pinker is there, uh, Larry Summers is there All the stars oh my god, uh, like all all your favorite

All the people who have been working diligently to um destroy academic freedom and their Their private and professional lives are now joining a university dedicated to of course Academic freedom. So I would like to read here. Um, some of the frequently asked questions on the University of Austin website Is the first one why? Okay, the basics What is the University of Austin? The University of Austin is a liberal arts university committed to freedom of inquiry freedom of conscience and civil discourse To maintain these principles the university is fiercely independent financially intellectually and politically. I don't know man

It seems like a bunch of boring neoliberals like guys who say that uh, uh, there she can't be any you can't tax, uh Rich people because you'll get rid of incentive and also all uh, you do have to tax poor people because someone's got to give money to Israel someone's got to have skin in the game. They got to have skin in the game. Okay, you say that but they have former President of both Harvard and U. Chicago. That's skin in the game, baby. Yeah, uh, why is your acronym UATX? U is for university ATX is a popular configuration for Austin, Texas U equals university rail equals rail

Uh, what do you stand for she is so fucking vacant just an empty cave Oh, fucking uh, what do you stand for in a word truth in a few more words the fearless pursuit of truth But perhaps you'd like a slightly longer answer not really UATX is committed to freedom of inquiry as the precondition for the pursuit of truth This is just restate. This is like padding out an essay. This is teaching kids how to fucking stretch a word Webster's defines truth. Others have abandoned this core mission of the university It is the very foundation of our school and the reason we believe the most curious innovative scholars and students will want to Join us. Do you have a physical location? Yes. Our headquarters are located in central Austin

to uh, 2112 Rio Grande street, Austin, Texas We are in the process of securing land for the in the Austin area for a campus Uh, because does the university have any political or religious affiliations? No, the university will be fiercely independent on all matters Do they take bitcoin? I um tuition. That's all I want to know I will be emailing their business coordinator for my new comedy tour my nuke televieve tour Uh, it goes uh, why Austin if it's good enough for elan musk and joe rogan. It's good enough for us Uh, so cool. Hell yeah epic. How much is ever good is is so she hasn't bought the land. No one's bought the land yet

They look in the map. Matt brunig looked this up. He google mapped their headquarters and it is just a house in Austin No, yeah, this is not going anywhere. This is nothing like This is why treak nishid is the king Because it's like he was like i'm gonna make the museum and he did He bought the land. He did all the shit He's the only twitter guy who like actually does what he says he's gonna do Everyone else is like this. They like found the cheapest house on zealot and was like, oh, yeah, this is a university It's a bullshit box. Yeah, this is bullshit

Uh, nobody says uh, why austin he goes, uh, yeah good enough for elan musk and joe rogan But seriously texas is experiencing a historic boom in talent and capital Austin in particular is a hub for builders mavericks and creators The kind of people our university aims to attract and from whom we want to receive guidance Just don't get pregnant Uh, nearly every university says it stands for freedom of inquiry. What's different about your university? We mean it Well, never mind We are alarmed by the illiberalism and sensoriousness

Prevalence in america's most prestigious universities and what it augurs for the country But we know that there are enough of us who still believe in the core purpose of higher education the pursuit of truth That's why we are building uatx at each stage of the construction of our university I mean not actually being constructed physically From hiring staff to building the curriculum to admitting each student and faculty We shall ask ourselves Are we serving the pursuit of knowledge? If the answer is no, then it will not have a place at our university Uh, okay next thing a credit accreditation. Are you accredited?

uatx is seeking accreditation as a private post-secondary educational institution from the texas higher education board and Initial an initial accreditation through the higher learning commission an accreditor recognized by the united states department of education And the council for higher education accreditation is an assigned regional accrediting organization Doesn't it take some universities a decade to receive accreditation? Our conversations with our accredited partners lead us to believe that we'll have a much shorter time frame than that This is like theranos for education. They're like it will work eventually We will we have been assured that we will be accredited in half the time that it takes a traditional Non knowledge-based university to achieve because of their pursuit of truth

That's gonna make things go much faster because they mean it. I mean, well, yeah, I mean When joe rogan is declared dean of partying down Everything sucks so much dick like William F. Buckley would not have been like yo watch this space Like what the fuck is this? This is nothing. You're an asshole This is why are you like when a guy who has like who had like one big song two years ago is like yo, I'm selling NFTs Fuck off Why are you seeking a credit accreditation while we believe that the accreditation process is one that needs reform

At this point it is necessary. We seek accreditation for our degrees for our graduates to pursue post graduate degrees at other Universities professional schools law schools and medical schools. Do you offer degrees? We do not confirm degrees at the moment I know why they're getting accreditation So they they're always going to forget to do it they're going to forget to do all the shit and that will justify this never being a real thing Because it can it's always going to be like, oh, we were going to get accredited But then like we were too like we told too many truths Oh, like it's not that I forgot to turn in the forum or anything

And it it keeps that's like a rolling excuse for why this doesn't exist Really? This is like no, you just have to read all of Barry's like bullshit stunts through the lens of like Oh, this is like if Janice Soprano hated Muslims Uh, so okay, so here you go. We do not they do not offer degrees at all Okay, so that means they can't do the thing that universities are actually for which is get you a job So suck my fucking dick about truth. So what do you so so so what do you offer? I think this would be like the most frequently asked question. What is it you do? It all begins this coming summer we will offer a summer program for college students called forbidden courses

that invites top students From other universities to join us for a spirited discussion about the most provocative questions that often lead to censorship Or self-censorship in many universities. So are we getting credit for any of these forbidden courses? No, but you know accessing delicious forbidden knowledge. Yeah, you're accessing delicious forbidden knowledge And and Niall Ferguson's forbidden course king leopold did nothing wrong In the fall of 2022 we will begin offering several m.a programs starting with entrepreneurship and leadership I'm majoring in leadership in college. You made fucking upscale trump university. You dump. Yeah, shit This is gentrified trump university like trump university at least like they had a deal like we're gonna teach you how to like flip houses or something

This is literally I have I have a leadership degree Leadership degree at least a trump university. You can get your photo taken with like a cardboard standout of donald trump. Yeah, that is something No, oh, I got to meet steven pinker awesome It says college students But what this is going to be is it's going to be a bunch of fucking like reactionary rodney danger fields back to school. Yeah, no, they're all gonna be a 70 year old Who's just like our soap they had like a bed They didn't get laid in college and they've been spending their entire lives like fuming about all the libs on campus

And now they're they get to go and relive their glory days Yeah, this is the they should honestly make it like westworld and have like Sexy co-ed robots who like Love their their edgy like recycled android ice clay bits that they do at the lunch table They're gonna expect like they're like they're marketing this like oh, this is for like, you know zubers who don't buy the You know the media's uh the divisiveness But about Israel about Israel, but in reality. Yeah, it is going to be someone's like Dad who like rediscovered his own Judaism when he was 57

But like does it like loves Barry Weiss, but doesn't know she's a lesbian She's like always just like like just like trying to get into her like the what twice a year She actually shows up there to be like you're a firecracker. Have you ever been with it? Oh, what's this? What's this? I'm seeing that they will be offering a special course in the mental verse being taught by Sam kinnison's character in back to school You will be able to you you will be able to be taught history by the ghost of sam kinnison living in the mental verse Finally, I gotta say though for good knowledge. I'm intrigued. What is your ma and entrepreneurship and leadership? Our ma and entrepreneurship and leadership asks the big questions

Immersed students in world-class experiences and trained students in the skills necessary for public and private leadership Um, I'd like to know a little bit. I'd like to have some details here world-class experiences world-class Experiences and and training students in the skills necessary for public and private leadership such as Students will study fundamental texts and small seminars network with the great private and social entrepreneurs and acquire a tailored set of competencies and skills The program will culminate in a practicum where students will engage in a real in real-world projects and Work closely with entrepreneurs. Oh, this just sounds like they're all gonna end up Like going to a crypto island in the indonesia and having their organs removed. Well, they will be going to an island It's not yeah, this is like the just you andretates war room. Yeah, like dan

That's such a better deal and absolutely like if you're if you're paying to go to austin and not Uh, romania if you're if you're finding out about how to do fucking entrepreneurship and not dropship You're a fucking copretate has a Bentley. None of these people drive anything cool the fuck Like Nile Ferguson does have a leader that he's born about He's carried around by students on a chair I mean, I was I was skeptical of this when you first started reading about what when I heard about the world class

Experiences I got to say I'm intrigued because those are my favorite kind of experiences that generally are the ones that are world class I like a middling word, but you know what like, uh Just like just just reading this frequently asked questions here like I mean the most padded out essay Written by like a ninth grader. Yeah, like just being like we're gonna synergize Opportunities. Yeah. Yeah, this is this is like yeah, this is a this is a ninth grader trying to like the night before it's due Write an essay on the great Gatsby or something like that um But like in all the all in all the the the grim and brutal truths and forbidden knowledge that they're fucking offering

They're not spelling out explicitly what this forbidden explicit. You gotta go see this is salesmanship If you want the forbidden knowledge You have to pay to go to the forbidden university or I guess you could just read all these guys sub stacks I'm assuming like are they holding out? They should really make that clear. They should be like look It's not all the boring bullshit that you already know. We believe that we say publicly We have stuff that we're only putting out there in the context of the forbidden courses Yeah, and you can't record it. You can't talk about it. It's like fight club, you know If you want to know what Nile Ferguson really believes

I got some world-class experience for you. Yeah, and the thing is like even if that's true like Oh, there's stuff that we don't say publicly. I I could take a guess. Yeah, I I could figure it out Yeah, it's not that hard. It's like the forbidden knowledge you get is either like colonialism was a net good Or like did you know that israel has the most per capita startups in the world? Yeah, oh man, you show up and it's just that old dude from c-pack with his fucking Thanos coin All right, I am I am going to their Airbnb then I I have unfinished business with that man Dry bones will be teaching an art class So what you do is you take ziggie and you just make them sadder and more squashed. That's the first step

I would love to talk to dry bones about like his comic strips Every year that we're like this the anniversary of Jonathan Pollard sentencing. We're just like a central dumpy character being like Please Obama free Jonathan Pollard from this injustice There we go Barry Weiss bow line university Moo World-class experiences folks just like you can get on a cruise ship and a casino I I enjoy that part of it because it really it really does underline how now all these institutions are are just It's all the same deal. It's it's it's getting

Board rich people to spend money standing around in a conference room somewhere And if you can get them to do that with either forbidden truths or the loosest slots in town or a dynamite Seafood buffet then you're set. By the way, one of the frequently asked questions is sounds great. How can I support you? Every dollar counts. You can support us financially by going to our support us page and clicking the support us and join the movement button Then it says I'm not rich, but I want to help. What can I do? We are grateful for a gift of any size Give until it hurts Give it to Barry until it hurts

Fucking woman just at least like 10 guys on fixed incomes gave to your fucking air bnb with slideshows You fucking evil piece of shit You're right. I just let the idea like I was just like of the of the I don't know. I'm going to guess like maybe five Um, uh, undergrads like under the age of 60 that enroll in bovine university Like their first day. They're like, oh boy. Oh boy Oh, they're like welcome to the university of los in texas The home of elon musk and joe rogan hands shoot up in the back Will we get to meet elon musk and joe rogan? No, you won't of course not

You're steven pinker by a zoom call. This is anti-woke camp crusty I'm just so sad thinking about like the people that donated like just someone's like loser dad Just be like I'll help you bury and he's like 65 dollars and he's like I can just eat rice for the rest of the month That's so depressing for this thing. That's like never going to exist. It's never going to be like an actual like place I hate this. She's rotten. It's like at least rod like like obviously feels bad about himself He's like rod and Ross are like at the end of the day when they close their eyes at night. They're like, oh, I'm like I'm like God's little worm. I'm in pain But she's like she like writes this and like gets all these like horny boomers to like send them

There's social security checks and she's like, I'm a good person. Damn. You're awful I like our friend stephen hack pointed this out. But like when she announced it on twitter She was just like we got tired of complaining about the camp the campus environment today. And it's like, no, you're not No, you're not. You're you know, they were doing that the rest of your life university to complain more. That's what the fucking knowledge is You get in there and it's just them going like can you believe what they're doing? Can you believe what they're up to? Yes, I can. It's all you talk about and by the way By the way, um, I'm also indigenous to the Middle East Yeah, yeah, uh, all identity politics is bullshit except for one very specific kind

If this doesn't end up being I mean, it's obviously not going to be a real college with the fucking campus And when it doesn't happen, they can blame the woke people for undermining it or like They didn't want you to know or whatever but if anything comes out of this They didn't want you to know or whatever, but if anything comes out of this, it will be probably some prager you youtube bullshit Yes, like a masterclass on like the bell curve at least prager you you can watch those videos for free Yeah, no, you'll have to pay for sure Like masterclass you got to subscribe and then nyle ferguson. Yeah, I'll be like the history of the british empire with nyle ferguson

where he just talks about how it was epic, uh, and berri weiss just like going through like, uh, all of the campus, uh, like clubs And the ivy league and just reading them out while steam shoots out of our ears It'd be really great stuff for bid knowledge robert zimmer former head of u chicago will teach you how to get posted All right, um, so that's uh, what do we learn today? Um, you can get an ma in leadership at bovine university We've learned satan is real working in powers. You can see him and feel him in this world every day Um, and uh, and and joe bladden Shit himself a big old shit

I do I'm fucking shitting and farting all over the place. He is making, uh, british countess is faint from from his dudoo I didn't think it's a real three stooges Yeah, I don't know what's up earlier, but uh There's just this last thing the clip of him talking to pope francis telling the most meandering story I've ever heard about satchel page. Yeah was one of the funniest things i've ever seen Because he had to do it through an interpreter And the story is a long boring old man story already

But the fact that every sentence had to be translated for the fucking his holiness the holy father of the church And he was just sitting there smiling politely to tell a story about how satchel page started a major league baseball game at like 45 or something like that got a Notched a w. Yeah, and like the point was that satchel page was like, you know, you're only as old as you feel That was the point of the story Well, you must be octogenarians Viving It's like and of course the funny thing is is that the pope is like almost 10 years older than biden and he's clearly

He looks way way sharper. He looks way way You could see him like uh-huh like because you can see you can see his eyes sort of skating Yeah, yeah, like is he still going right right? It's like he's clearly still there and biden just didn't I don't Is not going into pristine reveries about all of his friends who got thrown out of helicopters during the argentina lunta I was thinking about this with like comparing joe to mit romney mit romney is only like three years younger than joe And it's like oh, yeah, he's so fucking fail

Joe's like 76 and it just like he's right. You just you're ready to just throw him in the junk It's like mit romney's not going to die for another 60 years And when he does he's going to a god planet. He's going to rule over a planet Meanwhile joe when he dies in like two years Is going to like the saddest catholic heaven where him and his dad go to one last like minor league baseball team for like the rohoboth or ergonauts and they lose the game but the point is that like you had like a kind of nice time with your dad And that's just eternity Joe's so fell joe's

Just being on an m-track train that never Joe is the saddest man in the world Sorry fun fuck one last thing about uh about mit romney just just just on his romance with chris and cinema Matt did you see it came out that chris and cinema actually is mormon? I well, yeah, I didn't realize that she is she is a uh, she grew up mormon. She fallen away from the faith Yeah, so she is like to him the most tempting Yeah creature on earth and and it came out last week that one of the biggest donors to chris and cinema is the mlm lobby

Because of the pro act reclassit making it a bit essentially like impossible to Uh classify employees as contractors that I mean that would blow a hole in the entire mlm racket And I just love it's like two just mormon excellence is just preserving mlms at all costs because like Without them, I mean our economy is going to collapse That's true the state of utah would just become a barbarian hellscape overnight if they did not have the ability to To have like everybody in their stake get together in a giant furnished basement and sell each other and just Circulate mlms between uh members of the of the parish or whatever He said matt it's mormons all the way down. Yep. They're the only ones who actually uh solve they're the ones people say

Oh So and so understood the assignment literally mormons are the only ones who understand the assignment of the united states of america More than anyone ever they solved the problem of eternity They solved the problem of america and the eternities. Yeah, it's amazing. They're absolutely pogged out. Well, there we go Uh learned learned a lot of stuff and by the way, um, uh choppa will be offering an ma in podcast Are soon to are soon to be accredited um online university. Yes podcasting pod leadership leader Leader spotting vaping vaping. Yeah, I will sign to bury to bury wisest craigslist university craigslist sublet university For 50 bands. Um, why are we headquartering in brooklyn new york?

Well, if it's good good enough for eric adams, it's good enough for us All right gang. So, uh, same That time same same satan channel same satan time. We'll keep on living deliciously for the buffalo show. Oh, yeah Oh, yeah, buffalo. What is a buffalo show? December 8th December 8th, uh war size. So is sold out. Uh, it gets available for buffalo. Come see us in buffalo Great How good good sell it will be it will be a world-class experience Yes, uh, we will be capturing your souls and putting them through the large hadron collapse. Well, obviously that's understood

I mean, it's when you buy the ticket read read the terms and conditions right there Yeah, if you're a western new yorker and you're like, this is the year that I ended all if I don't go to a live podcast Well, we got you and before christmas. Yeah, it's gonna be fun. It's gonna be awesome. It'll be fantastic. Come see us Come see us in buffalo. Uh, december 8th and what's the venue asbury hall asbury hall? Tickets in asbury hall buffalo new york Till next time fellas. Bye. Bye. Bye Satan is real working in spirit. You can see him and air him in this world every day Satan is real

Working with power. He can tempt you and lead you astray Hey I attended service at a little church in the country not long ago A prayer was led by an old country preacher who then raised his hands as everyone stood and sang My god Is the height of his addiction And he's like apologized. It was he's always pushed the boundaries. It was like a new thing He was crying. I don't know. It's like 35 years ago

I don't know why people are like still yelling at him about it It's like has he not done enough has he not done enough to show that he like stands with oppressed people Like if the jd pond happened like tomorrow barney would probably be the only celebrity who would be happy about it I can't believe this It's just I mean like do you think cartman would be friends with like a saintness who sacrifices people look barney? Okay, okay barney's a dinosaur, right a quote-unquote dinosaur Dinosaurs are dragons barney is the great purple dragon of the bible He represents the the dragons slain by st. Michael the archangel and he's back and he's back and he's he's he's

Channeling the souls of children into another dimension using one two buck on my shoe and ring around the rover I mean like okay using that same like bullshit logic You you you could say like, um, you know, who's what are some of the animals in arthur? An ardvark. Yeah an ardvark. You could be like, um, I'm not gonna look this up. I'm just guessing Oh, there are like five a's in ardvark And uh, that's the new satan number it is. Yeah, no people are like with the travis scott thing people are like You know how I can tell this is a devil thing because there were eight flames and we all know that the number of the devil is eight It's like

You can't just keep changing shit But I mean with that same bullshit lot like okay. Yeah, he's like technically a reptile But like the book of revelation describes a beast of the sea Like barney his like I mean he has a boat For sure, but that's more for like his ocean cleanup stuff That's more for the work. He does the green piss Baby bop baby bop is the horror of Babylon No, baby bop. Okay

Baby bop, I will admit some of the criticisms of baby bop are like I get it like baby bop's period with the nation of islam was like a tough time for barney fans But like I don't really like judge. I judge performers by like the art they make And I I legitimately okay if baby bop was like legitimately anti-semitic like inner heart like hated Jews Do you think that like cartman would have invited her? to uh Stan's birth to kyle's birthday party. That's a good point like probably not I mean like the fact that you stan barney and you've been trying to get pitchfork to revise their elmo reviews from 10 down to like

Seven or eight discuss me. It disgusts me. I was just like just the glibness with which you treat Satanism in barney Why is like, okay when elmo is like saying all this anti-vax shit? And then immediately like what elmo always does like self-preservation. No, it's a character How come he's the only guy who's allowed to do a character and barney isn't like when barney does this like supposed satanist imagery If elmo did it you'd be like, oh, that's a commentary on like it's about like palantir It's what surveillance capitalism, but when barney does it. It's like, oh, he's the devil How come he's the only one who doesn't get the benefit of the doubt?

Okay, so like it doesn't it doesn't disturb you all the time that barney spent with anton levée in the 60s That was like Oh, it was just art. It was just art. He was just oh, he was doing it ironically It was just really young. He was really young. He was really like if anything that reflects like worrisome levée He saw like a young like, you know, everyone knows the story of like barney would hang out Hang out around like bus stops and he would like perform like early versions of clean up The song that made him his first million And like, you know, no one had ever heard any shit like that

And I really think like levée found like a 15 year old barney and was like, oh, I can like mold this child May yeah, yeah, no, no molding children is exactly what barney is still doing And I just I it's just it's it's it's horrible. It's it's absolutely horrible. What happened molding them to care about the world around them molding them to like love each other molding them to clean up Cleanups like one of the most positive clean up is like the only song that validates like pop to miss readings on pop culture Because it's the hottest song of all time and also Okay, you're you're you're you're supporting barney and like his supposedly hopeful message of b ingo I mean like again like add up the number. Okay

Take each of the letters in b ingo What is there a sequence in the alphabet add up those numbers and you get you get something close to 6 6 6? Okay, you get you get a number you get a very satanic number and now and you're getting mad You're getting mad at el you're big bird and elmo just because they're speaking to children First of all b ingo that comes from a song from leviticus So how could it be satanic? That was a song that like ancient israelites sang while they were lost in the desert. Okay It was the song they were singing when moses was on top of the mountain and they were down there worshiping a ball

That that's the only thing to invoke Anything that was old mcdonald had a farm You don't know fucking know anything about like barney or like what he's inspired by Oh, yeah, it's it's really fun to give yourself schizophrenia. What else can you do?