Chapo Trap House - 588 - Kill Bill feat. Stavros Halkias (12/28/21)

Episode Date: December 29, 2021

Stav’s back for an end-of-the-year round of relationship advice. We analyze Madison Cawthorn’s failed relationship, answer Dear Prudie questions, and look at a NYT op-ed about how it’s normal and cool to hate your husband. All things Stavvy at https://stavvy.biz/ Tickets for our Southern tour are on sale over at chapotraphouse.com/live

what's up gang what's up gang we're back hope everyone had a very merry Christmas coming to you a day late Felix is unavailable for today's episode but fear not back by popular demand we've got Stavi baby in the cut what's going on we needed someone that fucks eight times as much as Felix and here I am wiping the procedures from my mustache just in time to get down and dirty for some fucking relationship questions yeah we need to have a certified sex haver in the chat today because we're back by popular demand we got a whole episode full of relationship drama I love it we got we got some

dear pretty questions we got an amazing New York Times article about this lady who hates her fucking husband and the trip to Australia so here we go so for our first up on the slate of relationship drama is North Carolina congressman and Madison Cawthorne hell yeah home he's been going through it he's getting divorced but Madison his name is Madison Cawthorne yeah you familiar with Madison Cawthorne I'm not I would have guessed that sounds like a like a blonde girl with fake tits you know yeah very close that's that's like that sounds like a very specific kind of like a mid-tier pornographic starlet

is Matt Madison Cawthorne sort of like a in the like the milf genre you know I'm thinking she's gonna she's close to aging into the milf genre but I'm still thinking of her as you know she's still girl next door type I think I think Madison dryer yeah absolutely she's stuck in the dryer step bro she needs some help that's what that's the vibe I'm getting from the name Madison you know well you're not far off I mean he is a bimbo and he is blonde but he is also it's a sort of a specialty area of pornography he's confined to a wheelchair oh hell yeah so basically he's like dr. strange love without the sort of humor

or accent talent or intelligence and intelligence the best part is that he got paralyzed in a drunk driving accident with his bros coming back from spring break or something but he sold himself to the dimwits of his district as a troop oh sick who who caught it in the line he's like pseudo stealing Valor every day in his little wheelchair that's awesome that's honestly that's the best kind of that's an awesome lie because he probably never specifically said that you know an IED took his fucking you know spine or whatever the fuck but he's always he always talks about serving I'm guessing

and he just got a wheelchair so people aren't gonna be assholes if no one's gonna be like oh how wow did happen no one's gonna you know unless it's like you know that honestly that could be a nice curb a plotline Larry David making him making him clarify how exactly he got paralyzed I like that respect to this bimbo Madison who apparently is going through it I don't know shit about it sounds sort of vaguely familiar but I'm not very I don't really know who this guy I'm like most people assume that he was wounded in the line of duty but I suppose driving drunk back home from spring break is in serving his service

in a way yeah I mean he was you know if he was driving his friends you know that's the most noble thing you can do yeah what if he what if he was the least drunk one you guys ever think of that oh you wanted the drunker guy to drive no he was he was stepping up he was being a hero and you know sometimes in the line of duty you can't walk one more just maybe a family you know maybe they die also but you got to go slam a collateral damage yeah you got to slam a big gulp full of margaritas and try and finger pop some bitches down on Myrtle Beach you know it's the American way yeah nothing's gonna stop him from that

just one more one more detail of note about Madison Cawthorn as you will see in this clip he's a big fan of going on vacations and he's a big fan of history so when he went on vacation to Germany he took the trip to the Eagles Nest and he referred to it as der Führer's the Führer's Eagles Nest he's a big he just he loves history okay yeah it was the history of World War II specifically and and just certain aspects of World War II history that is so it's so crazy how quickly we got to just straight loving Nazis like it's not even it's what is it 2021 we haven't even got a hundred years and like the people whose

grandfathers were killing Nazis are just like yeah they're actually some of their ideas were kind of good that's fucking insane dude like Greece is the same way where it's like half of Greek people are like you know Greece yeah there's like half or fascist half or half come from fascist half came from communist and it's just like bro come on we were we just this just happened and you motherfuckers are still are you still think like you your grandmother got ran through by Mussolini's boys and you still think it's you still think we shouldn't have people of other races and you think they're the problem but anyway sorry to

digress no no it's an it's an important digression you know anti-fascism you know this is what we stand for on the podcast here but okay so like just in in light of his recent divorce someone surfaced this clip of him giving an interview to the daily caller about how he met his wife or now ex-wife and who is a Instagram fitness thought ooh what's your fucking shit let me do we have some can I look her up real fast yeah yeah here give me your name I just believe Madison Cawthorne wife or ex-wife yeah good call good call anyway I'm sorry I'll do my own research yeah yeah so you do your research and Chris bring

up the clip of Madison talking about how he met Mrs. Madison and so we took the risk to do that surgery and so when I decided to do that I said well doctor let me go on one last trip just in case I'm not gonna be able to ever get on an airplane again and then so he said okay well you'll be in a lot of pain I said that's it's worth it so me and a bunch of my friends we went to we got to go over to the over to near very close to Russia we got went to Sweden and Norway and we had just an incredible vacation it was great I wasn't a lot of pain the whole time but it was wonderful but then we got on a boat and went into St.

Petersburg and Russia and you know we just decided to take $100 each and go into a casino and see how it went and you know I ended up meeting an American there who was a captain in the army and who was originally from Miami and so we hit it off create a really great relationship and stayed in contact for about a year and a half until later I was down in Miami for work and he texted me and said hey would you like to come compete in a CrossFit competition and so I said well Todd I'm in a wheelchair I obviously can't do CrossFit and he said well just do the pull-up section I was like okay sounds good and so I show up

but anyways it all was a sham it was a fake CrossFit competition you just wanted me to put me in the same room with the girl who is eventually gonna become a fiance and so we did and her I hit it off okay all right so oh man yeah go ahead I got a lot I got a lot of thoughts on this so like obviously the Libs are being extra loony about this and they're like oh my god like five you know there's a five alarm fire this is a honeypot you know oh from Miami former army captain I smell agency and you know like I met him in a Russian casino yeah and also like this like him and his

buddies are like yeah we took a hundred dollars each into a Russian casino be like slow down their high-roll yeah they were purchasing child sex life is what he did he's like look I heard I heard the dollar goes pretty the dollar to rubles looking pretty good in St. Petersburg so they're all setting this up like like you know like he was he was groomed to have some sort of you know spy be his wife and yeah and you know now that Putin has elected you know a wheelchair bound congressman to right some district in North Carolina you know his plan has been achieved and the wife you know she's going dancing she's

ditching she's ditching Madison okay worse but I believe I think everyone who is making fun of Madison for this is secretly jealous mmm that they don't have the type of friends that they met in a Russian casino create a phony CrossFit event for a paralyzed man so that they could meet their future wife that is bro shit dude okay that a couple great things here you're absolutely correct that it there's a there's one angle which is like this is just a really really good friend you know who's just gonna who's gonna get a bunch of jacked people in a room fucking doing pull-ups so Madison feels great but the

other thing is if this is a lie first of all your friend can't just be like hey man there's this girl I want you to meet let's go get drinks like is this like and he like you're not interested in that Madison that's not something you're like he's like yeah dude I there's this girl yeah I know you guys are gonna hit it off but then also it's like if you're gonna lie if you're gonna do a sham then why would you pick CrossFit for a guy in a wheelchair why would you have to qualify your lie I don't fucking understand that and it's also like what do you mean it was a shit did it happen at all do they have a couple guys there

just lifting like what I want to know how much of a sham how deep this kernel from Miami or wherever the fuck he is went went in on this but that's fuck that is so fucking funny negative points to Madison for not using the opportunity to call it a Potemkin CrossFit that would have actually been very appropriate given where he was at the time by the way her Instagram handle is Christina underscore Bay B.A.E. for Christina though with no age so spelled in an obnoxious style I'm in here I'm checking out Christina I'm like listen I gotta say I'm liking what I'm seeing Christina is back yes she is single

she's got powerful haunches you cannot deny that bro I have thought for the longest time that there has got to be a small segment of the crop of the CrossFit woman population that just wants to fuck it just a fat part because they hate fat people right like in their blood no one does cross fit yeah exactly no one does crossfit because they like think all bodies are okay you know anyone does that kind of extreme working out these aren't even like you know bodybuild these are these are a specific kind of person that like you know was a fat child and didn't get love or like you know had fat bull or just

these are people that like they had a or maybe had like an abusive fat parent or something these are people that hate fat people right yeah there has got to be one or two of these girls that just want to just fuck a fat guy and just mush his face and call him a fat piece of shit while they're just riding him and so I think me and Christina might have something here you know there this might be something where she's just you know she's just like wants to fuck but she's like you know feeding me like fucking whipped cream and shit she's like you like that don't you you fat fucking piece of shit and I'm like yes mommy I

do oink oink oink oink oink you know it's like I would I would be all in on that so you gotta get to St. Petersburg start talking to any army guy you see I'm trying to take that canoe from Sweden to St. Petersburg or whatever the fuck Madison said he the boat he took in stop unrelated I don't know if you're free this weekend but I've organized a pie eating contest bro that you what a good guy yes I'm there I'm there to meet the the future woman of my dreams I would get there I'd be so pissed if there was no that would be the difference I would get there and I'd be pissed off there's no fake pie just a you'll see she wolf of

the SS fitness division dude I'm so in I've said this before and look if there's any strong girls listening and you you check the box even if you're not Christina underscore Bay 4 I'm listening hit my DMs so Madison Cawthorne I mean gotta you know homies going through it right now and he needs broke hair he needs broke hair badly right now yeah it's when your honeypot wife leaves you do we know any do we have any like details of what's going on or has it has anyone been outed if there have been any leaked DMs anything fun or do we know it's all mysterious it's just it's a conscious uncoupling and something

awesome is gonna is gonna leak in like a couple months I can feel it in my bones he released a video of himself at a gun range dual wielding but having not locked down his wheelchair so with the recoils actually yeah I would love to trust him in a tactical scenario I would love to be in Madison Cawthorne secret elite military unit for people who have never served in the military yeah like I like it like so hope he'll be in his chair he'll be dual wielding oozees and I'll just have rollerblades I'll just be like skating behind you yeah yeah yeah and I feel a full 360 spin take out the whole room yes that would fucking

rock dude no I absolutely I would love to yeah so he's just out now do we know let me ask this do we know if his dick works because that's huge that is a giant question mark that has not been ever addressed I don't think and I always see it as partially paralyzed even though he needs the wheelchair and I saw him at the RNC he's got the skinny legs so I think the dick is probably in the phantom zone you know like a liminal usually with with with spinals I mean like the terrible thing is that your dick works and achieve sexual response but you don't feel it wow you know I mean what you know I mean like you know like

that could actually be you know that could actually work your advantage you know in terms of lasting longer yeah about baseball or whatever absolutely you're just yeah you're just going through the motions but I know like I mean just like I'm wondering though I mean if Madison has really put in the time to cultivate strong pussy eating tactics cuz you know you got a you know with nature it's like daredevil you know it takes away one sense yeah others must be heightened dude trust me I know all about that I'm daredevil that's what I love about that's what I love about dick pills just being so easy to get

recently because I feel like I'm daredevil and then like at age 32 they were like here are eyes daredevil you can also see now and I'm feel I feel unstoppable now so yeah I totally know I I could see exactly what Madison absolutely need to put him through the school of pussy eating we need we need to fucking get that guy of course maybe like is there is there a is there a like is there a pussy eating like version of remember Andy Dicks character in in old school who gives the blowjob we need we need that equivalent we need we need like a we need like a no-nonsense lesbian to teach him how to eat pussy

well you know like a hitch type situation we need a pussy eating hitch for Madison yeah but you know like his his his idol the furor was reported to have only one small ball so you know men of destiny are often you know challenged by by God that's true what if that's what if he what if he like just swerved what you know whatever Nissan Altima he was driving that fateful day he was like this is for Hitler and he just fucking ran into ran into a school bus and he was like hopefully it makes my dick small and not usable like Hitler's that's possible we can't rule it out yeah all right well so that's a that's that's a

relationship on number one so yeah all right Madison you know we're we're thinking of you buddy okay you're gonna you're gonna be okay somebody else is gonna try and set you up with a different honey pot wife who doesn't care that your dick doesn't work all right so moving on from Madison let's go into some dear pretty questions you know styles people are feeling like to one of the most popular episodes was you're responding to dear pretty letters and I guess I should just introduce this segment with the the caveat that all of these letters are fake all these

letters are written by like like MFA people who are just like I want to get published someone even if no one knows it yeah even if it's anonymous all right so the first one is question like mother like daughter I am a 50 year old widower and a friend of mine introduced me to Susan someone she knows who is my age and divorced thinking we could hit it off we have gone out a couple of times and it went well but I had this strange feeling that something was familiar about her our mutual friend showed me Susan's Facebook page and I saw something shocking years ago in my 20s living in another city I dated Jackie

a woman 30 years my senior we got along well but the age difference was too much so we amicably parted ways she was uncomfortable with others knowing about our relationship so we agreed never to discuss it with anyone on Susan's page was a memorial to Jackie it turns out Susan is Jackie's daughter I'm not sure what to do about this should I tell Susan about my past relationship with her mother should I wait to tell her later or not tell her at all it is created an awkward situation and I'm not sure what to do wow this is fucking I mean yeah it is fake but I want to live in a world where this is real so it's he says go

over to brazzers.com so memoriam so so yes this is fake because Jackie is dead so give no three-way there god damn it yeah you can't you can't interesting interesting so this man taxed her mom and now he's in a good relationship with her it just kind of depends I guess does he have the gumption what kind of guy is this is he the kind of guy that can take a secret because look this is like a this is like a lightweight secret all things considered you know this isn't a murder this isn't you didn't do anything fucking that horrible you know what I mean like you just got head from a lady's mom that you really like and in

fact I feel like this might be it could be really fun because you could like have you could let's say you have kids with this you have kids with this woman and she's talking about grandma and then that gives a nice little element where you're just like you could be talking to your kids like yeah you never met your grandma but she was pretty fucking cool grandma at least I've only heard stories but let me just say grandma pretty chill if you catch my drift you know I guess if you want to be a good guy in this scenario you have to be like hey this is crazy but I think I may I think I may I say you said you go on you went on a

date and you never but I don't know once you start once you start telling have truths and how much pussy did he get from her mom that's important you know is well is this if you didn't fuck tell her immediately but it sounds like yeah it sounds like they had a relationship and like see my question about about about this this letter is that he said like you know years ago in another city I dated a woman 30 years my senior named Jackie and she didn't want to she didn't let she she didn't want to like talk about the relationship to anyone it was sort of kept a secret I mean it seems to me he like this the letter

writer is confession to being a jiggalo at a different point in his life yeah yeah yeah yeah well he was just some young cock that Jackie had on the sneak you know what I mean so honestly okay here's what it is if Jackie was good to you you honor her wishes and you never tell anybody about eating her pussy but if she you know she maybe mistreated you it's like guess what now everybody's gonna know you fucked me back in the day even you're especially your daughter this could be karma he could be he could be the you know God could be working through him where it's like yeah Jackie thought she got away with it but now the

whole family's gonna know especially if he has pictures would be really funny would be like hey babe check this out and he's just like in a birthday card he just has a picture of him getting his dick sucked by her mom this also gives honestly this gives a really good opportunity if it's a bad relationship to break up in the funniest way possible cuz imagine you're this woman and this guy this guy that's your age is like yeah 30 years ago your mom sucked my dick bitch I don't care you can't hurt me this letter is like the is is the advice seeking version of that meme that's like girls of the time machine versus boys of

the time machine and the girls are like oh my god you're my grandmother and the boys like what's up what's the move can I get some head one more time I like that I like that as the bad the breakup hopefully the relationship doesn't work hopefully this woman does something heinous to you and you can just be like your mom fuck my car all right our next letter here your prudence I'm having an issue with my father I can't figure out what to do with about 10 years ago he kicked my mom out of the house and moved in with a woman that he met in a strip club Brenda who then fell is that he then fell head over heels for she was a

nice woman but she didn't love him she said so then she died and it ripped him apart he's now living in a different state and when I went to visit him he told me that nobody down there knows about my mother who died last year and that Brenda was his only wife and I presume also my mother he didn't acknowledge my mother's birthday to me but every year gets a hold of me on the anniversary of Brenda's death to remember her it really hurts and I love my father but I'm not sure I'm not sure I can keep up communication with him I'm just so angry what should I do about that wow damn Brenda wow you know you

know it yanked you know what I'm saying you know you know you know Brenda had some skills brother to keep this up posthumously mother of my children whatever Brenda from the strip club eternal flame burning bro it's so sad how the huge like we can pretend the human beings are complicated we can do but if we really get down to it the person you think about the most the person you're even saddest about is the person that fucked the best from your past I know it's true for me I can into I can intellectualize it whatever the fuck but when it really comes down to it is the freakiest motherfuckers that you

fuck they'll just there's a place in your heart forever for them and this is what this that's this lesson whatever Brenda had going on completely superseded you know oh having a child the marriage all this shit that we're pretending is important let's get down to brass tacks something was up with Brenda and I think if you're the if you're the reader you need to you need to take this as a lesson in your own life are you Brenda are you your mom start being Brenda your mom was bullshit that's the lesson here fuck her forget about it it's all about Brenda you need to start living your life like Brenda so that one day a man

can talk about you to his kids who hate you I think that's the only lesson to Glee I mean I'm the lesson for the reader here might be like yes it embraced the the grim and brutal truth about that yeah you'll remember the best blowjob you got over like your kids being born but I mean like but if that's the case like don't don't share that with your kids with your children okay that's a fair that's it that's it that's the yeah that's that's the key that's the centrist way to go about it keep it yourself and like I mean I feel for the letter writer in quotation marks here like it just like his dad moved to another state and like

all of his social circles just thinks like like her mom is some flusy I mean the dad is an incredible guy if this is a real guy he is he is a fucking gem in a half because that's the other thing is like who you know what you didn't need to make them pretend you need to make people think Brenda's her mom that's a crook that is that's fucking wild that's to even call again you're right the anniversary of Brenda's death his daughter to be like yeah would you mourn with me for the woman I left her mother for it look I know this is tough on you but you don't understand the kind of stuff Brenda could do with her tongue I

didn't even I thought I had four balls I don't know how she was doing it you know how people juggle it looks like two balls or four she was doing that with them in my mouth I don't know how he was even possible yeah I know that is that is fucking wild and I think look if you're a real person which you're not there is your right will be listen but at the same time be Brenda a little bit and cut your dad off a little like when he starts talking about Brenda just hang up on his bitch ass yeah you know what I mean like he's your dad's over hang out with him a couple times a year whatever get something out of it for you

but it's never gonna change you know what I mean like whatever happened between them was magical in a way that you're never gonna be able to combat this man is does not understand I think you know like feelings everyone I think everyone could use a little more Brenda and their personality and a little less than this father yeah you're right it's not about it's not about fuck your mom it's fuck your dad be Brenda fuck your dad find some guy you don't love to I hope I hope Brenda took his money that's the other thing how did Brenda die before this guy I feel like she was younger you'd think but probably I

mean I think it's that kind of skills they come at a cost you're right you know right you burn right exactly absolutely all right next letter this is a titled cheated on with a game I recently moved in with my partner everything is going great except one thing her video game addiction before we were living together I supported the hobby because it helped her process her emotions and escape the world which can be very tough on her but now I find myself struggling to get her attention and feeling ignored it's to the point where she brought the game to Christmas with my family and was checked out of

conversations because she was playing the game I can't tell if it's unfair to me I can't tell if it's unfair of me to feel this way after all this is what helps her unwind and relax is it fair to ask her to limit when she plays and how do I go about asking okay well first of all what the fuck does this bitch do that she needs to unwind this much what is she what is she and though on the fucking by she Jeremy Renner in fucking the fuck was that movie she's not on the bomb squad yeah yeah yeah her locker this she's she probably is a graphic designer you know I mean it's like shit wasn't that hard her days are not that

difficult so yeah no that's that's that's fucking ridiculous I do like to spin on it that it's a girl gamer yeah yeah I mean I was gonna say like I don't know what this guy's complaining about he's hit the jackpot he's got a gamer GF yeah absolutely she's not trying to talk to you or anything she's just trying to play fucking Animal Crossing I mean that's the other thing that this letter lacks is he doesn't let you know what the game is cuz like I would I mean my answer to him would be based on what game she's playing of course because if it's like you know if it's like Animal Crossing or like Stardew Valley or one

of those girl games yeah awful get it out of here tell her to fucking straighten up and that she doesn't need to unwind that much yeah what if we have kids but she has she's gaming hard she's gaming gaming that that that that poro playing fucking I don't know yeah Red Dead Redemption or if she's trying to get if she's trying to like if she has a sick car and GTA 5 you know what I mean if she's just going around playing GTA 5 online killing like little Mexican teenagers and hearing them yell at her through the thing you know I mean like she's making ethnic children pissed off on Grand Theft Auto 5 that's hilarious

that's one of the best things you can do but yeah it's it's also like this guy sounds like a fucking loser because he doesn't even know what the game is so he sucks right I'm I'm honestly I'm honestly on the girlfriend side you know gamers unite obviously and it's like what he sounds boring what if his family sucks dick of course no it's like come on I'm trying to game bro so I think I don't know and also what's the the other thing this guy has to recognize is what is the hotness ratio here right is this woman way hot did you snag a hot gamer girl and you're just some fucking schlub then shut the fuck up and count your

lucky stars that she's not on twitch making money and getting people simping for left and right you're lucky if she's hotter than you you're lucky she's she's off you know she's offline gaming you don't want the last thing you want to do is push her into some other direction you know I mean keep her keep her to yourself let her game in solitude now if you think you could be doing better if you used to fuck a lot and this is annoying to you these are the trade offs you have to make in life you know you have to I do think though let's say it's just an an equal they're both aboutness in each other's you know

real happiness quotient sure and they're both for the same amount of cool whatever whatever yeah you could ask her to fucking chill out a little bit but it's like also for what you better have a fucking activity bro you can't be like stop gaming and then it's like so we I just thought we could talk yeah that sucks okay you need to have a movie lined up you need to have a dinner fucking plan you need to have something to do because the other flipside is the way this guy's fucking boring as hell what if he sucks and she needs to get you you know get through this and if you're still smashing maybe the video games are

the only thing allowing you to get pussy that's true he really needs to think about that that there's a lot of elements yeah that that if she wasn't gaming she would just be out of there because of how much of a fucking dud he is yeah yeah yeah so you can ask her to not to game a little less but you got to have some fucking something lined up for it you know I'm saying yeah just I got to say for all the boyfriends out there keep your girlfriend out of the discord server these hoes are choosing in there they're getting took left and right they're getting groomed on discord people are losing out hold on what

you've got I honestly do not even understand what this court is everyone keeps talking about this is the chat room yeah yeah it's like if you're if you log on you're like you know I'm playing this game and then your friends can like you know squat up with you or whatever and then you can okay you know also like become a Nazi and right child pornography it's got a lot of different applications it sounds like so essentially it started so that you can all talk while you're gaming yeah yeah and then it took on a life it's I got you I got you that thank you that's a good I've been I've been confused for

basically two years about what it is so this is good alright next question this one is titled the elephant in the family I recently got married and just spent my first Christmas with my partner's family one of my mother-in-law's traditions is buying everyone in the family the same gift from the store where she works an outdoorsy lifestyle brand this year she chose to buy everyone coats from an expensive brand that stops at an XL I'm plus sized and the coat didn't even come close to fitting she prefaced giving me the gift by saying she worried it wouldn't fit then had me try it on in front of everyone which was to top it

off several members of the family have recently lost large amounts of weight and their weight loss was celebrated by my mother-in-law all day fat people were derided as unattractive while fitness and thinness were held up as the ideal I spent a good chunk of the evening hiding in the basement crying I feel like I quite literally don't fit into my spouse's family if this were any other relationship I've explained to her that I would prefer that she not buy me clothing as her store does not carry my size but she is extremely petite and is of the belief that fatness is the result of a lack of willpower so I really

don't want to open that conversational door what can I do to prevent future miserable Christmases wow so I'm sorry this is a this is a woman or a man I this is I think I think a woman I'm not sure though it doesn't really like for the crying I hope it's I mean not to be not to be you know toxically masculine I hope it's a woman if someone like a man crying because his coat didn't fit that's I'm enlightened and everything but that's tough for an adult yeah yeah um yeah that's fucking that's I mean that's obviously brutal because there are plenty of these dumb bitches that think like you know I think they're being nice

like she probably thought it's like this will be good for her but also this is on your fucking husband let's be honest if you know what I mean like you can't be you can't be obviously the mom is a dumb bitch and for not even thinking this through especially your first Christmas you shouldn't you be thinking about you would think if she's a good mother-in-law she would be particularly thinking about you know first married Christmas whatever but yeah you can't this isn't on you this is the whole point of marriage is there's some things you can just dump off on your spouse and letting him handle his dumb bitch of a mother

that's a number one on the list of things that he should be handling yeah like so in all it all advice column like questions like one of the most common like a thing that people are seeking advice about our in-laws and the answer to virtually all of them is it's not the in-laws fault it's your bitch-ass spouse for not like controlling their parents hundred percent cuz like I'm still afraid of their mom or dad or something and they can't they go like this is just the way they are I can't tell them otherwise yeah and that's brutal I mean if you're an adult who can't tell their parent they need to

chill out you're I mean that's that's almost more disappointing than having a mother-in-law that gives an inconsiderate gift it's like oh no my husband is a bitch you know the mother-in-law you know the mother-in-law was like oh like I I'm getting her the biggest size but like I know I know it's too small for her but like or him but I'm giving them this as it's like it's like you know something to work towards yeah it is sliding into this like a athleisure brand to code and I can tell you as if putting myself in that position I would just be like oh yeah I'd be like wow thanks and just never wear it and just

put her put in my mind I'm like that's what that's a tally for Cynthia is a dumb bitch you know what I mean like I would just but then you know you can't let it I mean I'm guessing it's a woman you just obviously she made you feel bad and you were trying to you know just trying to have a good Christmas but now you're armed with the knowledge that she's gonna do some shit like this and you have to like so you know what to what to like expect from somebody like this right and so you you're armed with that knowledge going into future yeah holidays I think this is a case of like don't get mad get even you don't figure

mother-in-law is a bitch and she gives you an inconsiderate present she's humiliated soon from the family it's gotta like let it roll off you like you said just like oh thank you for the coat it's lovely I can't wait to wear it just throw that shit out donate it never fucking wearing everything about it but just begin planning what gag gift will you get this skinny bitch for Christmas next year yes you know like a get her a get her like a subscription a fudge service or something like that you know like just or oh I like where you're staying will I think the fudge service sparks something in my mind cuz

ostensibly this woman has grandchildren right you'd think or and if so this is a jet this you gotta start thinking long term you got to get all your nieces and nephews fat as shit you gotta make this woman have an entire family of plus size motherfuckers okay you know all the good spots you know I'm saying start taking your nephew if this was me right and look maybe we have different fat experiences than the reader but if it's me I'm introducing my nieces and nephews to the fat lifestyle we're getting fucked up we're I mean I guess I can't get them on edibles but we're going to a Chinese buffet you know I mean young

early but I didn't like and you can buy them all like you know a party guy Hawaiian style shirts on the summer time like that's that's that's that's that's the dress code that's the right there and it's not it's not and I'm waking them up and feeding like it's million-dollar baby you know like like like you know when a fucking actor tries to put on weight to play Thor or whatever I it's I'm not just feeding them I'm waking them up in the middle of the night and feeding them fucking insurer you know I'm like I'm getting them another another serving of calories yeah just like get them on the diet like the diet shake

lifestyle but instead of diet shakes just milkshakes it's milk just regular milkshakes but no it's also protein we're bulking them up we're getting we're getting we're fucking getting them big brother and their children so they could probably get fat quit you know I mean like ten pounds on a fucking four year old that's a lot of fucking weight you could in a weekend you could in a weekend get these kids so fucking fat that this lady will want to fucking go crazy so you can weaponize her anti-fatness and make her feel like a fucking idiot and that you got to get her a fat a fun fat family that's that's

how you get even for sure and then also look and in the other way it's like you now you got to check what's your husband or wife made of can they check their mom because if they can't you got you got bigger problem sister than just an Excel code you might also want to if does this woman have any enemies because if she does you might want to give them the coat you know I mean this could be like a soprano situation where a real sees the sees the like housekeeper's husband in the leather coat that he loves so much you have to give this coat to somebody that she would find disrespectful is this person racist sounds like

you know we got a nice anti whatever usually run they run in pairs you know I mean most people aren't that aren't accepting of one thing tend to not be accepting of something else is that homophobic is that racism if they're homophobic give it to give it to the fattest Excel gay man you can find you know what I mean like donate somehow donate to like the the winter code drive at the local bear bar yeah or do one better donate it to somebody who's going to film gay pornography in the coat let them cut out a little ass section and get fucked in the ass through the coat you got a lot of options sister

alright fatten up the family donate this code to something they would find objectionable right here's the here's a lot here's the last you're pretty question and it's a good one you know this is this is a common this is a common problem okay that plagues mankind so here we go dear prudence I have been in a good marriage for more than a decade and we have what I consider to be a normal loving sexual relationship can you guess where this letter is going to go what I would consider so so basically the other person does not consider anything I suck off anyone I want whenever I want and they aren't

allowed to fuck anyone else here we go with with one major exception my wife has never achieved orgasm never that mrs. Lincoln by accident bro what the fuck she has always told me it is not a big deal to her although we have certainly tried and it is something we have discussed repeatedly she is able to achieve orgasm by herself but never with me and she said never with any other man a few nights ago she accidentally let slip that she did achieve orgasm with her ex-husband upon further discussion it turns out it happened many times and very easily I'm I'm

devastated why did she never tell me before given the number and intensity of our discussions on the issue am I such a wretched lover that I am hopeless she feels that since her ex cheated on her her defensive walls went up and she won't let herself be vulnerable or trusting enough I am in quite a tailspin and she recognizes how deeply I am hurt by this admission and she feels terrible about it but it's not something that's going to be easy to push out of either of our minds when we try next help oh my fucking god that's brutal this man has some of the worst dick of all time never dude at first I was like okay there's

definitely some women you come across some people that just have a really hard time busting right yeah and for some women just whatever you know you got to really fucking get in there you know your shoulder your shoulder is sore from finger-popping by the end of by the end of an affair you know your jaw feels like you've been chewing on chewing on beef jerky for an hour straight after you're eating pussy you know what I mean so it can or some people get a toy in the mix whatever yeah that does happen or some people can only come penetratingly some people whatever so I was like alright maybe he just luck of

the draw his wife can't bust that easily and whatever but to for it to never happen and for her to just like easily bust with her ex-husband yeah he should be devastated I mean this is a real this is a real you have to look inward bro this is not her fault yeah this is an example of like yeah you're right like this guy he should be devastated I don't know that there's a solution to his problem you know hey you just got it you I mean we talked about Madison we opened the episode with Madison Cawthorne having to fucking learn how to eat pussy I mean this goes quadruple for this man I mean you're you've got a

why you could you go you're about to end up like fucking old Cawthorne my friend you're about to get dumped by your wife you don't quickly learn how to make her bust also damn dude we have real like women in America or just I guess in the world this woman married a man who couldn't make her bust she married this fucking guy that's so funny imagine as a dude you did you fuck you date someone and the first ten times you fuck you don't bust you're like this woman fucking this guy never came close I mean this goes back to the the letter about you know like the Brenda letter about the dad leaving leaving

the wife of the the strip right this man needs to really get his brand up well I mean these guys right up but like in in the letter he discloses that his wife was like with her ex-husband who she was you know she was cranked she was knocking him out like he was just knocking that pussy yeah it was just like on a fucking teaball you know every time but like but but but he cheated on her and she's like oh like you know my defensive walls are up you know and it's just like oh like I can't I can't I need to feel I can't feel vulnerable again or whatever here's the here here's the brutal part about this and I know where

you go letter writer please the ex-husband who cheated on her she's going to be thinking about when she's like old oh yeah and like you know like that's that that's 100% the guy who cheated on her like shit cheated on her but was laying down good pipe well we'll annihilate the dutiful loyal faithful man a hundred percent and not only that not only that the fact that she's bouncing back from getting cheated on and ends up with you means that you're a loser you know what I mean you're a safe pink you're not gonna hurt her and that matters I mean on some level that's nice because that matters so much to her

that trash cock didn't even factor into the equation like the fact that you're so safe you don't even have but it's like yeah man you got it you got to fucking step your game up and look I think it's possible for you to learn how to fuck but you're gonna have to really believe in yourself because I don't know he needs like he needs like a rocky training montage yeah of him and you know what like I think it may I think you may need to seek professional help here a pro or a semi-pro I think I think I like it because you're focusing on your on your wife too much and like your inability to get her off but I

think you need to get like you know just get a few notches on the old belt you know not knock out knock out knock out a few he does have to cheat you have to go to one of those sex therapists that's you know okay you're a therapist you know what I mean like and who sucks you off like he needs some of that he's to learn moves I mean or if he is like you know congenitally incapable of learning moves or pleasing a woman in any way just for the sake of God for the love of God just get one of those Hitachi's because like any woman can come in like 10 seconds flat sure like the Robocop getting them off you know as long as

you're holding it you know like it's just that you're involved you know like it's you know it's a cheat code don't get me wrong but I don't know but it sounds like I mean you don't think you would have tried a fucking toy at some point I don't get it like I've you know like so you get a toy in the mix sometimes it's like whatever it fucking happens but I just feel like you that's he's he's absolutely true I'm with you if they haven't tried toy you got to go toy immediately I just think like they have one of those like high-pressure shower heads and he's like my wife is always in there for hours dude I just I

need I honestly would love I truly would love videotape of these people fucking scientifically like I don't I'm not trying to beat off to it I'll I'll fucking I'll I'll wear mittens with locks on them you know what I mean like whatever you want to do I'm not gonna jack off I need to watch it like a scientist because how I just mind I want to watch different I want to try I want to see them try I want to see a regular day I want to see when he goes all out I need to see a picture this man's penis I'll tell you that much and I need and I need numbers I need numbers on how long he's eating pussy because and this is a motif we've

talked about it before the daredevil thing whatever but it's kind of like in sports like defense and hustle right sometimes some people don't have God given abilities right you're not gonna have a nice dick you're even if you have a nice one it might not stay hard your stroke might be off but everyone can finger-pop and eat pussy that's hustle and it's coach ability it's coach ability rebounding doing the little things is he doing that is he doing like the way that he said at the beginning of the letter that I thought we had a satisfying your relationship and knowing at the time that that meant she was

never coming I think that means he's not giving it his all you're right and this guy is cannot fuck and he's completely in his own world for thinking he you know they had a good relationship or sexual relationship and unfortunately so much of attraction and people like you know even people coming is intangible and it comes down to do you have any sauce whatsoever or does this person not even if you don't sometimes for some reason it's something's working for somebody else right like but this guy is completely swagless he's being a boiled chicken raised by a guy who cheated on her like I know she's

beating off thinking about that guy he's got nothing in it's clearly it's clearly she's clearly got something she's clearly frustrated with it because I would really like to know the context where she accidentally let it slip that Because if one time you could be like oh it's like you know his leap year whatever you was getting her off every single every single time oh yeah no and And you know, the more I think about it, I guess actually if the reader, the only honorable thing to do is cut his dick off and commit seppuku, because he's just not good at fucking. I just, we can spin our wheels here, but...

Yeah, I know, it's just there's, there's just, I mean like, yeah, there's only so much advice you can give somebody. And by the way, it wasn't just her ex-husband, like it's not, a bunch of other guys made her bust, there's no way. I mean, he was going off like the fucking challenger every, because he's got this fucking loser. I mean, this guy also, I mean, what is his history before the marriage? Right.

That's a great point. He has to ask himself those questions. Have I, yes, so true, Matt, that's great. We need to know what his bust quotient was before this relationship. What is his average, what's his slugging percentage here? You know, some people, some people, you know, like, you just gotta be, you gotta be a come-to-fuck everyday kind of player. Absolutely.

You gotta bring your lunch pail on a hard hat when you're going in on that pussy. 100% dude. 100%. All right. Well, that's the end of the, you're pretty, but I'd like to get into this rather insane New York Times article. It's also about hating your spouse and being in an unhappy marriage. But it's framed as like, hey, this is a good thing.

Isn't everyone's marriage like this? It's called Marriage Requires Amnesia. Do I hate my husband? Oh, for sure, yes, definitely. This is by Heather Haverleski, and actually, Chris, Google Heather Haverleski husband right now. I want to, because I want to see this guy. All right.

So, it begins like this. After 15 years of marriage, you start to see your mate clearly free of your own projections and misperceptions. This is not necessarily a good thing. When encountering my husband, Bill, in our shared habitat, I sometimes experience him as a tangled hill of dirty laundry. Who left this here, I ask myself, and then the laundry gets up to fetch itself a cup of coffee.

This is not an illusion. It's clarity. Until Bill has enough coffee, he lies in a jumble on the couch, listening to the coffeemaker waiting for it to usher him from the land of the undead. He is exactly the same heap of laundry, smelly, inert, almost sentient, but not quite. Damn. So, he's fucking roasting it. So, Bill is getting real.

Got the quotes, weets, just right out there in the fucking column. Goddamn it. What if Bill's diary, he's like, I just love our mornings when we get to chill out. I'm with my beautiful wife, and then we just get ready for the day, and then I'm just energized and just that coffee and her smile, just I'm ready to go. That's the thing. They might have a fine relationship, but if you're writing about somebody like this, sums up.

That's brutal. Yeah, you can't, it's just like, that's brutal. I think a good piece of advice in all relationships, in all romantic relationships, like long-term ones, is that even if your partner is annoying you or you disagree with them, you should never take the opposite side. You should never humiliate them in public. You should never argue in public or take them down a little. Wait till you get home.

Hundreds. You don't have to hold your tongue, but like, writing in New York Times op-ed about my inert, smelly lump of a husband is, you know, it's just, you could have that conversation in private, you know? 100%, and maybe part of this is just like, the fucking pandemic and, you know, nothing to write about. So you're like, yeah, my fucking husband's a piece of shit, who fucking cares? But I don't know, man, this is tough.

Let's see, I'm trying to find what this guy fucking looks like. All right, well, I'm going to continue. It says here, other times I experienced Bill as a very handsome professor, a leader among men, a visionary who has big ideas about the future of science education in America. This is clarity. And then our dashing hero begins to hold forth on the learning sciences, how I hate that term. And he quickly wilts before my eyes into a cursed academic, a cross between a lonely

nerd seeking some archaic language only five other people on earth understand, and a haunted ice cream man circling his truck through the neighborhood in the dead of winter, searching for children. I see Bill with a scorching clarity that pains me. Oh my God, bro. She put one good sentence. There's one sentence where he's like, he's pretty good. He's a fucking good at his job.

First of all, he's fucking, he's dirty. He's a pile of cum socks. He's also good. He's a good, he's a good professor. Also he's in an ice cream truck trying to molest children or something. I don't even, what the fuck was that about? She's like, if you think she's going to pull it back, sometimes he seems like a visionary thinker and a leader of men, but then it quickly dissipates and I'm imagining him as John Wayne

Gacy fucking patrolling a neighborhood. Clown makeup smearing his disgusting, pockmarked face that I can't believe I let kiss me at night. It's just like, come on, what the hell is going on here? Okay, so the ratio is tough right now. It's like one nice sentence to like two paragraphs of, honestly, she's a good writer. She's roasting this fucking guy, just forging him. This sentence right here, I see Bill with a scorching clarity that pains me.

Oh, basically everyone's fucking nightmare to have that, to know that that's happening and then for everyone else on America to find out that that's happening yet. That's not at all a nightmare. I'm imagining, like you said, stop, I'm imagining Bill and Heather getting up on like a Sunday. They have the Sunday New York Times and they're like, oh, I just, yeah, I love having a cup of coffee with my wife. I love her more than I've ever loved her after 15 years of marriage. She's just like, there's some in the op-ed section that might interest you and he's

like, oh boy. Oh my God. Can't see with what scorching precision every fault of mine will be laid bare for the readership of the New York Times. Good Christ, that's brutal. How much, what else you got on fucking Billy Boy? This is why surviving a marriage requires turning down the volume on your spouse so you can barely hear what they're saying.

You must do this not only so that you don't overdose on the same stultifying words and phrases within the first year, but also so your spouse's various grunts and sneezes and snorts and throat clearings don't serve as a magic flute that causes you to wander out the front door and into the wilderness, never to return. Jesus Christ. This is awesome, dude. I mean, I know she isn't seeking advice, but like my advice to her and him is to fuck other people.

100%. Fuck this marriage, because this is the only way that you're going to fucking loosen that steam valve and just let off some of that fucking pressure. Maybe at 15 years you deserve to go fuck somebody else and come back. It probably wouldn't even be that hard to come back. You're not changing your whole life because you got some dick on the side. You got a nice little routine going. Maybe all those grunts don't annoy you so much, but it also could just be that she hates

her husband. It also could be that they need to get divorced. I feel like when she got some strange or whatever, she'd be looking at his grunts and squeals and she'd be like, oh, Josh Gad provided those. How adorable. Oh, is she Chris coming through with a dick? Let's see here. Oh, OK.

Was that him? That's a cute guy. It's not him, is it? It must be their kids or something. Yeah, it must be their kids. Yeah, whatever. I mean. It goes here, when Bill sneezes, no matter how far away he is, it's like a blast from

an air horn aimed at your face. Somehow. Why the fuck is this in the New York Times? Like, that's the craziest part of all this. It's like, look, everyone can. And I also love that she's just become like a male comic from the 80s, which is like my dumb bitch husband. He fucking sneezes.

He's fucking dirty. I mean, it's really we flipped all the way where it's like that's just become, you know, now women get to do that about their dumb bitch husbands. But I'm sorry to cut you off. It's just crazy that you're right. Well, you said it earlier. Why the fuck? I mean, don't put this out in the fucking New York Times.

I mean, my god. At least do what they did in the mid century, develop an alcohol problem and then write a thinly veiled novel where all of the things you hate about your husband are put on a fictional character. And then when he reads it, he says, is that me and you go, no, honey, of course not. It's Dr. Wilchester, some fucking dignity for God's sake. It's like like a Richard Yates novel or something. Yeah, exactly.

It goes here, Bill also clears his throat constantly. He's just a flimmy guy in general. I can almost imagine getting I can almost get away with being mean, being this mean about him because he has remained the same amount of smart and kind and extremely attractive that he was when I met him 17 years ago. This is just how it feels to be doomed to live and eat and sleep next to the same person until you're dead. Because the resolution on your spouse becomes clearer and clearer by the day, you must find

compensatory ways to blur and pixelate them back into a soft, muted, fairly fantastical fog. I mean, I think that way of lowering the resolution on your spouse, I mean, I think this is a pitch perfect argument for being polyamorous or just just cheating or not even being polyamorous. Just cheat and don't tell. Just don't tell. Cheating, bro. That's one thing that the French have absolutely figured out is you just get to cheat.

You get it. Oh, your family is important. Men and women equally. Exactly. It's okay. You get to fucking cheat. But the family is separate from all that. But I mean, almost everything she has said, it's a couple words here and there that really

turn it up into like doomed. If she hadn't said the word doomed, it's like that's what really is fucking blowing my mind. It's like, like, that's how you look at this is like, you're just fucking, you cannot get out of this. Like, isn't that, isn't it supposed to be a nice thing that you have like a husband? You cannot be doomed to anything other than a on balance, miserable experience. Yeah, exactly. Exactly.

You can be like, you can be like chained to a way of being like the thing that's not going to change. And you know it. Well, say you're doomed to it, you are letting everyone know that this sucks. No one's ever like, I'm pleasure I get out of this is dwarfed by the amount of misery I feel. Yeah. No one's ever like, oh, I'm doomed to get high and watch good fellas.

I am, I am doomed to my fate of ordering a Chipotle burrito with double guac and chips after this, after this podcast. I'm like, this is fucking ridiculous. Anyway, let's finish her up. What else she got? Do I hate my husband? Oh, for sure. Yes, definitely.

I don't know anyone who's been married more than seven years who flinches at this concept. A spouse is a blessing and a curse wrapped into one. How could it be otherwise? How is hatred not the natural outcome of sleeping so close to another human for years? Unless you plug a propofol drip into your arm every night, how do you encounter those unwelcome grunts and gravelly snores as anything but oppressive? Unless you spend most of your waking hours daydreaming, how do you tolerate this meddling presence, rearranging stuff but never actually putting it away, opening bills but never actually

paying them, shedding his tissues and dirty socks all over your otherwise pristine habitat? Oh, my God. That's fucking wild, bro. You just don't like your husband. Yeah, I got to skip ahead here because she talks a lot about a trip to Australia that they took. You can imagine, like, yeah, you're a doomed, stultifying marriage. Let's combine that with 26 hours on a plane together.

See how that goes? It goes, excuse me. You flemmy bitch. Yeah, exactly. You sound like Bill, dude. Who needs to be cheerful when the plane to Sydney is delayed by eight hours at midnight? Who speaks calmly when one kid starts sobbing uncontrollably? Who pretends that Doritos and almonds make a fun late-night dinner at the airport newsstand?

Who manages all of the reservations and the money and the plans through a jet-lagged haze once we finally arrive in Australia? Who books the flights and ferries and researches the eco-friendly island retreat on the Great Barrier Reef? Who talks cheerfully through each unpredictable tour, through each Australian town full of unpredictable Australian relatives her husband hasn't seen for decades? Who engages in the 105th hour of an ongoing discussion about Bill's bad name, which includes speculation, revised imaginary diagnoses, and in-depth analysis of a level of plane

that she herself would file under not worth mentioning at all, ever, not even for a second? And when we arrive at the island in the Great Barrier Reef, the one populated at this time of year by thousands of birds, birds squawking and culling and clucking and screeching, birds every two feet, bird droppings covering literally every inch of ground. Who makes up a game where the first person to get hit by flying bird poop wins an ice cream cone? Who says it's okay for one kid not to snorkel? Who says it's okay for both kids to snorkel without her since she gets seasick?

Who goes snorkeling anyway because both kids want mommy there since daddy would ignore them because he's super jacked to snorkel the hell out of the Great Barrier Reef? Who asks the snorkeling guide if she'd better off on the boat if she starts to feel queasy? Who smiles when the snorkeling guide says in his Cavalier Australian Tough Five Accident that he's not sure because he never met anyone who got seasick from snorkeling before? Who bites her tongue instead of asking the snorkeling dude if he has eyes and his thick skull since obviously plenty of mortal humans over the age of 40 feel ill when they bob on massive swells while looking down 50 feet into a murky shark-filled abyss?

And then who gets sick as predicted but doesn't know what to do? And who gets sick as predicted but doesn't say a single word about it even as a wave of colorful fish swarms the scene and everyone marvels and wonders why they suddenly appeared like magic? Oh. Once again, how is using the New York Times? Literally extra extra, my husband sucks. It's also like, what do you mean doesn't say a word about it?

You're on the, you're fucking, you're putting out a fucking op-ed about it. You should have said something then. Maybe your fucking dumbass husband would know you didn't like this behavior if you had fucking brought it up on vacation instead of waiting two years writing about it in the biggest fucking newspaper in the fucking world you fucking asshole. I don't know if you caught it but at the end there she boots over the side of the boat while her husband and kids are snorkeling and then like all the, a school of colorful fish surround them because they're like the fish are there to eat her vomit.

Eat the vomit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What a hero. God. Oh God. It goes on and on and on like this, but it goes. That's wild, bro. What the fuck is, what is Bill saying today, dude?

Yes, like that, the only way this, we demand closure here. We need a bill op-ed, a reply. I need to know what Bill's deal is. Maybe Bill's just a chill bloke, honestly. Yeah, I mean, there's plenty of like insanely annoying women and like the chillest guy you've ever met in your life couples. And I suppose the opposite is probably true as well. But I've met plenty of just like, you're like, how does anyone put up with this person?

And their partner is just like Zen, you know what I mean? So that could be what's going on here. That's a possibility. Yeah, like he read the article and he's just like, yeah, how about that? You're the paper. Well, that's interesting. Anyway, my knees fucking kind of acted up again. All right, so she goes on and on and on.

But I'm just going to skip to the end here. It says, surviving a marriage requires self-care, time alone, time away, meditation, escape and selfishness. She's just describing cheating. She has all those things described cheating on your spouse. Surviving, again, just like doomed, surviving a marriage. It's like, no one told you you have to be married. Yeah.

Just like, there's no gun to your fucking head. I mean, I don't have kids or whatever, but it's like. No fault divorce is a thing. Yeah. It's pretty much the standard in half the country because here, I can't blame him for being high strung. I tell myself on a walk around the island alone, headphones on, bird poop raining down every few feet.

I can't get mad just because he's a regular mortal with flaws. When I blame him, I just feel guilty and then I start to blame myself. But I'm just a regular mortal with flaws too. After several nights on the island, Bill and I start to tell the kids to walk back to the hotel room after dinner and use their phones for as long as they want. Then we have a drink and stare at the ocean without them. We talk about each kid's breakdown of the day. What did the older one hate today?

Which decision did the younger one question? During these talks, I encourage Bill to be more like me. Give up control, relax, let these birds make their noises and they'll quiet down quickly. When you treat them like they're doing it wrong, it only gets worse. But Bill doesn't learn new lessons that quickly. He studies the learning sciences, but he is not a good learner. So I resolve to let everyone squawk and caw until they get bored or become distracted or fall asleep or cheer up.

And when Bill says the wrong thing, I think, forgive him, forgive yourself, let it go. It's harder than it sounds. But during these conversations, Bill looks handsome to me again. He sounds like someone I'm still in love with. The feeling comes back, the camera zooms in, the focus sharpens, charming little details emerge. I remember why I chose him. In spite of everything, he's still my favorite person.

I can see why we're together. God damn, how much does she hate every other person she has ever met? Holy fuck. The last line of the piece is, we might stay this way forever. Oh man. No, you're not. Yeah, I mean, look. Just cheat.

Just cheat. It's not forever. I mean, you're going to die. Yeah. Someone's going to die. Take hearts. And in most couples, it's usually the guy. Right.

That's true. By insurance, actuarial tables, women live quite a bit longer than men do, especially ones who in marriages. Yeah, there you go. It's also like that little four sentence wrap up is just not enough to counteract the whole rest of that article. She's really going in on this motherfucker. No, I was like, I was sort of secretly hoping that it would get to the end and he'd be like,

he smells. He's a bad parent. He's not a good listener. The bird shit on me. He didn't care. But his fucking dick game is so strong, I'm fucking a dick kid, man, I'm never leaving this shit. Yeah.

Maybe he's a Brenda, bro. That could really be it. Most Brenda's are fucking annoying and like you hate almost everything about them, but could be. That could be the running theme here. Maybe Bill's Brenda. Brenda fied. Yeah.

She needs to drop that, though, at the end to just redeem this whole thing. Yeah. But the game is too strong because, like, if I was the bill in this scenario, kill Bill, because they should have called this a yeah, if I was the bill in this in this essay and it was like nearly like 3000 words about what a fucking lame piece of shit I am and what a bad husband and partner I am. But then there was one sense at the end about how like my dick was the bomb. I'd be like even just as a wash.

Absolutely. In fact, it's not even a wash. It's actually like. I come out on top. Yeah. That's because that's it. If every woman who reads The New York Times knows that you're like a really shitty husband, but the dick game incredible, then you're you win.

You win. That's a huge win. And in fact, if you were to try and set up starting to be Polly, right, that would be a really nice setup to your husband because it's like what no one would want to like be with him, but they'll want to fuck him to try out this dick. Yeah. That's the most loving thing you could do. Just.

Yeah. She's a good wife. She would have said that at the end. That's a big underhanded. That's an underhanded softball right across the middle of the plate. In fact, if you wanted to start cheating, that's how you do it. You set your husband up to get pussy and then he has to let you get side dick and your guys are good to go.

She messed she missed a huge job blew the whole thing here because clearly she wants to cheat and she could have set bill up with that last line. Yep. Alas. What are you going to do? Too bad. There we go. That is that is the world of relationships and love in a grand, in a grand LS is beautiful.

Well, I think that does it for today's episode. Stavi, you've got any road dates coming up? When's the when's the special dropping? Yeah. So the special we're still working. We're still trying to figure out exactly. It will be probably sometime in February or March. But I do.

We're working people watch the special when it comes out. We're figuring that out. So I might try and sell it, but there's a good chance. I really just want people to see it and a lot of people have had success with YouTube. So we're going to we're going to have some conversation with some places, but unless they bowl your boy over with some really fat cocked monetary numbers, I'm I'm leaning towards releasing it on YouTube. So but I'll have more details about that soon.

I'm doing New Year's Eve show, a little matinee at the stand, a 6 p.m. show. If you want to come before you get really fucking sloshed and come see that show, I'll be there. And then also I'm starting a West Coast run in 2022. So I'll be in San Diego the 13th through the 15th. I'll be in Vegas the 27th through the 29th, Sacramento, the 3rd through the 5th. And then we got a lot of a lot of other shit, Houston, Austin, Addison, San Francisco, Vancouver. We're doing it all, baby.

And yeah, go to stavi.biz for tickets. I'm selling calendars. I have my Stavi Baby 2022 calendars. Actually, I got to get you boys some fucking cows. So buy those. And yeah, man, Stavi Stavi Baby on Stavi Baby 2 on Instagram, I believe I've been shadow banned by the powers to be for being too sexual. And Stavi Baby Stavi Baby on Twitter, all that kind of shit.

Yeah, that's all Stavi Stavi.biz was that the website Stavi.biz for tickets for calendars whatever you want. All right. The link will be in the show description. Stavi Baby, always a pleasure. Thank you so much for coming today. Boys, thank you so much for having me. Yeah, for sure.

This is a blast. Until next time, gentlemen. Bye-bye. Bye-bye.