Chapo Trap House - 614b - Best of Texas Live: The Secret Uncles feat. Pendejo Time (3/28/22)

Episode Date: March 29, 2022

Live from Houston, we’re joined by Jake and Thomas from the Pendejo Time podcast for another movie pitch. This time we’re attempting to break into the evangelical Christian film market (think God���s Not Dead and The Reliant) with a moral fable about a boy discovering the true magic of Uncles. Listen to Pendejo Time here: https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/pendejo-time/ Subscribe to Pendejo Time here: https://www.patreon.com/pendejotime Follow Pendejo Time here: https://twitter.com/pendejotime?lang=en Note: I’m splitting this ep into two parts just to make it easier to keep all the Poppy material separated in case I want to collect them down the line, but 614a & b are one ep for all the Chapo archivists out there.

music Houston, Texas, White Oak, what's going on? Let's fucking go you guys are pumps. All right, without any further ado, let's bring out our guests for this evening, hosts of the number one Texas-based comedy podcast, Pendejo Time. It's our friends, Jake and Thomas, boys, come on out! Yo, how we doing? All right, well, Houston, Texas, we have a little bit of sort of like a legal business issue we need to wrap up here before we leave the state of Texas.

You know, we've been here a week, we've been doing shows, we've been making money in the state of Texas, so there's just something we need to do to make sure we don't get in any trouble with the authorities. So Felix? Yeah, no guys, this is just like, if you'll bear with us, this is just housekeeping, this is like, it's dirty, but like, every company has to do it, we have to do this, to like continue operating in the state and hopefully come back this day, but I will need everyone on stage to join me in reciting the Texas-mandated anti-BDS pledge of allegiance to Israel.

Let's go! All right, guys. Can you please stand? Yeah, yeah. Chris, can you play the anthem? Yes. All right. Before an app is funded, an angel investing round.

Before an app is funded, an angel investing round. Before a link is found between regular shorts and pants. Before a link is found before regular shorts and pants. Before Jonathan Pollard's heroic quest. Before Jonathan Pollard's heroic quest. Before a collab with Jonathan Van Ness. Before Jonathan Van Ness. A rose blooms in the desert.

I pledge allegiance to the state of Israel. I pledge allegiance to the state of Israel. Even if I come down from Mali. Even if I come down from Mali. Even if my restaurant does not combine a custom piece of experience with a hip-hop club atmosphere. Even if my restaurant does not combine a custom piece of experience with a hip-hop club atmosphere. Even if my skin burns, my cataracts worsen, and my mom has me when she is 40, I will not

waver. Let's build that third temple. Let's build that third temple. Let's build that third temple. All right. All right. Thank you, guys, for your patience. That's all.

That's all. We just needed to do that. We don't want to get in trouble. So we have to cross our eyes, dot our T's, and star our bars on that one. Yeah. No, like, we want to come back here, but we just got to do that. Sorry. You have to be very careful.

You know. You ever know who's watching? Yeah. Well, Thomas and Jake, thanks. Thank you guys so much for being here tonight. Thank you. Thank you. We'll give another round of applause for Up In Day Hotel Time, everybody.

Thank you. Thank you. I just, I wanted to share with you guys a little Texas anecdote from exiting the city of Dallas the other day. I thought you might appreciate it. So on our way on the road to Houston, we stopped at the famous fuel city gas station in Dallas because we wanted to see their beautiful long horned steers, wonderful, wonderful beasts. So we pull up to get gas and I walk to the back where they have all the steers.

And I'm looking at these guys and they looked at, they're fantastic. Those, they're not fucking around. Those horns are long as hell. It's like, you hear like, oh, yeah, long horn. Yeah, I get that. And then you see what's like, fuck. It's like, they're so long. It's like, you could tell like halfway through, like the horn just doesn't know what to do

anymore. It's like, oh, all right, buddy. All right. If you want this to keep going, just good luck because it just turns into a goddamn corkscrew. I could tell you all were truly captivated because you all post them on Instagram. Like one after the other, I was like, I see these and you're like, look at these fucking things. So I walk back there and I encounter a married couple of which the, the wife I would describe

as a like, if boom, how are we're a 60 plus year old woman. And I walk up and I got like, hey, how's it doing? And she goes, I'm gonna rain this week. And I go, excuse me. She says it's gonna rain for the rest of the week. And I said, oh, well, thankfully we're enjoying this nice weather outside. And there's these two huge steers just like at this fence looking at us. And I turned to her and I go, what do you think of these guys?

And she goes, no cows, they probably want some pussy. You and me both. So that was just a little bit of, you know, I mean, those cows, like those steers, they did look like they wanted some pussy. I can't. They were on a dry spell. You simply exist to captivate guys from New York. So you know, if you're trying to get some pussy, your most existence is just to be looked

at and marveled at behind a gas station. It's the worst type of torture I would imagine. So when you say they were like the cattle in the state of Texas that are just basically allowed to wander around a pasture behind a gas station. Yeah. No, it's like being a cattle who is saved from extinction here is like, it's they're like Adrian Brody and the pianist like the volume that they eat beef here. They're probably wondering like, why me?

Why did I survive all this? The tradition for a long time at UT was to have Bevo their like main mascot. He would like come out to all the football games and be like, we got the damn long horn out here. And then after, I guess he wore out his welcome, they would cook the motherfucker, which is like, imagine being the best guy at work and then your boss comes up to you one day after five years and you're like, we got to shoot you in your fucking head. Cook your ass up.

You're done for. I got with that bulldog of the University of Georgia, too. That was also when Obama came to visit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like Felix's idea of Houston having evil swag because I do feel like Houston is Gotham, but just with more catfish joints to eat at. But like instead of Batman, it's just like a five, eight, three hundred and eight pound rig welder.

Yeah. It's a Batman who only works out his arms, right? And there's no Riddler or Joker. He just like throws his wife down the stairs like there's no villain to fight, except like several domestic disputes per month, you know? I grew up about 10, 15, I don't want to 15, 20 minutes in a town called Pasadena, Texas. And every time I come from, I grew up there, I moved to Austin and every time I come back, it's like that part in Wizard of Oz where the world just gets black and white again.

That's no knock on Pasadena. It's a great town, but there is sort of like a sepia tone and that's benzene cloud. That's what it's just sort of fumes. Everybody who cheered, by the way, the 20 or 25 people, plus me were the 26 people who did not die of lymphoma from Pasadena, Texas. We got some real benzene heads, yeah, yeah. We started in Houston and like there's a number of like downtown areas and you said Yeah, there's like a number of different skylines here in Houston and one of them you said was

like the medical district where they have all the like the best hospitals in the country. And you said it's like the best place in the world to get cancer, which is important because this is also the most likely place in the world to get cancer. So you're born basically at like it like you get nerfed from birth. You're like you're gonna get some sort of lymphoma or fucked up growth on your head. But as a plus you sort of it's keeping the hat sizes too small around here. It encourages you to grind and get your hustle on so you can afford fucking healthcare in the city.

So if you're like, well, if I do get some sort of terrible blood or brain cancer, I can at least go to the best fucking place on planet Earth to get blood or brain cancer, which is about 30 minutes from where I grew up. I don't want to shill for the healthcare community in Houston, by the way. I do. Thank you heroes. Medical goats. Oh shit.

Yeah. All right. Houston. So one of the things we've been doing on tour is basically treating our audiences like they were several hundred Hollywood producers because, you know, we're, we're, you know, chop on mark five. We're trying to become Hollywood sickos. Okay.

Like I can't lie. Ever since I was a kid, I wanted to be a Hollywood sicko. So part of that part of that is a BP always be pitching and we're you paid for the ticket. You're fucked. I don't. Yeah. I don't. I don't care if you grew up in Pasadena or whatever to me.

You're a seven year old man named Murph. Yeah. Yeah. My movie made. Yeah. So on the first leg of our southern chart, we did our justified spec script starring the Trillbillies and Walton Goggins. So and then we did the, uh, the Andrew Cuomo, the Andrew Cuomo daughter's meatballs, daughter's

meatballs film. And we've got a new one for you here tonight, but this one is about like, this is a little bit different. This is like a, this is a different genre of film. It's one that we're very interested in, but it's one that we have yet to make a foray into. So to that end, I'm turning it over to the script wizard, Felix Biederman. I want to, uh, want to thank you for having us. I know your time is valuable.

Thank you for circling back. Uh, what we have today is a very exciting project. This is the first media property we have ever produced that we have ever scripted where doosing the act of two brothers fucking one woman is not featured, but bear with me because this is an exciting and new challenge. We are embarking on a type of film we have never made before a Christian specifically evangelical film. There's gold in them, our hills.

That's right. That's right. Films like the Reliant assassin's 32 AD films that feature characters such as the Benham Brothers. Who are the Benham Brothers? People asked when they saw the hit film, the Reliant. Well, it turned out they were minor league baseball players turned HGTV hosts who were fired for homophobia.

So regardless of how you met these brothers, how they came into your life, how these twins captivated you, whether you already knew them or you knew them through us, you were like, I want to see more of them. That's what we all felt. So why not write a movie around them? Why not, why not take that element that makes them special, their, their twinness and make it the cornerstone on which we build a media empire potentially? I bring to you the secret uncles.

I just want to large son's pictures presents the story of a son who must learn to become a nephew. It's the most important journey any son must go through in life. At the Dallas show, I hadn't seen that poster before and I turned around and read it and I was like, yeah, yeah, it's the most, yeah. So Benham twins, they're, I mean, if you had to guess it, you're not a real executive. They're obviously going to be our uncles, right? But they're special uncles.

They're uncles that are protagonist, Noah, Noah, Jewish last name that we're working on. One drop. One drop. One drop. He's not actually Jewish. His parents just want him to be Jewish. Yeah.

That's the bit. Yeah, his, his dad played by Kevin Sorbo converted to Judaism, took his wife's last name and got circumcised at age 36. But back to Noah. Noah is our, our hero. He's the 17 year old in the family. The family has tried to stage manage him into being sort of a Greta Thurneberg type. And he wants to, you know, he has his parents are sick o'lips at the end and he doesn't

want to be a sick o'lips. No, he doesn't. But it's, you know, he doesn't want to rebel against his parents, make them sad. He secretly like in his heart of hearts, he wants like business major, like major in HVAC, but he's going to Oberlin till he meets his uncles. But who is our hero, Noah, played by? But another hero of conservative media, Firebrand Daily Wire podcast host and actor, Michael Nolz.

If we could see some of his acting, it's a beat a beard. What the fuck, Nicole? It's not what you think. Not what I think. Are you fucking your brother? No. What? Oh, what if I could win you?

You're off with me, pretty lady. You asshole. Guy, quit it. This is some serious shit. You're fucking right, it's serious shit. Guy, I think you broke my nose. I'm going to do fucking worse than that. Why are you going to say I hit you because you haven't had sex with your sister?

I'm adopted, remember? The new, like, Pornhub intro, are you having incest with your sister? I love the idea of casting Michael Nolz as a 17-year-old in this movie. It was sort of like when I said I was watching Nickelodeon when the Twin Towers fell down. This was Ground, pioneered this year by Dear Evan Hansen, which was breaking, you know, new frontiers and having 35-year-olds playing 16-year-olds, and it's proved that it's possible. Well, Euphoria is a huge fucking show. Absolutely.

Unlike any of those shitty actors you just mentioned, what Michael Nolz lacks in looking convincingly 17, he makes up for in a young Brando-type intensity that will carry this film. Young Brandon. Yes. Let's go, Young Brandon. Before we jump into this, let's see the rest of our cast up here. Kevin Sorbo is the dad, obviously.

The mom can be played. Kim Richards. Kim Richards from Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and Escape from Witch Mountain. Jamie Kennedy will be reprising his roles in Christian cinema, playing a character named Dr. Jeffrey Epstein, No Relation. The Kent State Gun Girl will play a girlfriend character, and Lil Boosie will retain a role as a sort of Greek chorus. There was a moment in the Dallas show we were all like, who gets to be Lil Boosie?

Who gets to do it? It was me. Yeah, we'll ultimately was like, I'll take it, I got it. So you know, we have the outlines of this entire script, and we've written four scenes that we're going to do a table read for you, but I think now is a good time as any to jump into the world of the secret uncles. All right, so first act, we're seeing what's going on with the Wontraub. So you go into their house, you know what's going on, okay?

They have the spongy, terrible type of wheat bread. They got the peanut butter you need to stir. They've never seen a disposable cake up in their life. It's that type of kitchen. They got to flush at least four times, every time they go to the bathroom. Low flow toilets, and you immediately notice the look of the film. It looks very like prestige TV, that type of grain, you know, you keep that in your mind. But anyway, we're seeing what's going on with the Wontraub.

They're having a college acceptance party, because Noah has just gotten accepted into Oberlin on an infographic scholarship. They're drinking Chilean wine. They're listening to their favorite episodes of Fresh Air with Terry Gross. And Noah's friend Seth is there. And Noah's mom is like, your boyfriend's here. Do you want us to give you condoms so you can go to your room and have sex with him? And he's like, I'm not gay.

But, you know, he loves his parents, though, and he's not going to, like, explode at them. They have a bowl full of poppers. And if you take one, no one's checking the level. It's just no questions asked. Just do the poppers, but leave your keys in the bulletin door. The mom keeps pushing, and eventually he just, he's like, storms up to his room. But who's waiting for him in that room? A magical set of uncles.

Like Robert Blake and Lost Highway, these two uncles. He turns around and they're there. They're right there. And he goes, what, who are you? And they go, boy, we're your uncles that you never knew about. But believe me, you've always been our nephew. Imagine like any of your real uncles, anyone in this room who, like, has worked in oil and gas for 50 years, but insists on telling you about their opinions on the entire world

every holiday season. So these uncles are like, Noah, how about we take you to a real party? And wouldn't you know it, they're taking him to the Bass Pro Pyramid. To see Mike Huckabee's white deaf comedy channel. You know, the acts there are, as you would predict. There's a guy in a barrel of suspenders, like, playing a banjo. There's Jeff Dunham with his wonderful ethnic puppets. Even Ron White.

And Noah is, he can't believe this. You know, he's only ever seen dear white people in the net. He's only seen things like that. He's never seen a real comedy like this. He's rolling on the aisles, dying. The uncles go up. They do their gross twin vaudeville bullshit that you recognize from The Reliant. They kill.

And Noah gets his first glimpse at a world he's never been allowed into. But it doesn't stop there. Next day, the uncles show up magically once again. They're going to take him to play a game of pick up basketball. And that brings us to the first scene we have written, the pick up basketball scene. I think it's very obvious that Thomas and Jake are well suited to play the twin uncles. You know, Gaffin, Gaffin Buck and Sergeant Braxton Bragg Buck. That's the real name of the family, by the way, the Bucks.

It's also our, it's also, yeah, it's all, we changed our names legally after these shows. I can play Noah and then there is a spectator who is a little boozy. I will reprise the role of little boozy. All right. I will do the safe, the safe direction. The twin uncles and Noah are standing in front of the court. Noah turns to Braxton and Gaffin. What did you bring me here for?

To take you to school. Today's lesson, the spirit of competition. Well, we usually say land acknowledgments before classes. We'll have plenty of time to acknowledge the land after we break some ankles. Gaffin passes the ball to Noah, beginning our montage. The uncles are utterly dominating their 17 year old nephew, boxing him out, beasting him when he tries to play defense, and getting the sweetest layups you've ever seen a white boy put up.

Noah is exhausted, resting his palms on his thighs, barely upright. Let me catch my breath. Oh, I'm so tired. Which would you start, Noah, or don't finish too quick, like this guy? Braxton, Jester's the Gaffin. They call my brother the fire marshal, because every time he's at a singles bar, all the ladies start finding out real fast if all the exits work. And then the spectator watching from the sideline says, these white boys got sauce like pistol

peat and banter like vaudeville. The montage resumes, the uncles run rough shot on poor Noah, finishing the game with some juicy alley-oops and the best passing you've ever seen. Now sitting in the stands, Noah is exhausted, drinking a Gatorade. This is such a crazy feeling. It's just atrophy. Right now you're in the two hour muscle recovery window. No, I mean, I've been told I've lost before, or I've never been told I've lost before.

Every game I've ever played in school and stuff like that, they told us that recording scores has roots in white supremacy and would give us anxiety. So I never really knew what it was like to lose. Like I've had games where I thought I did okay, or maybe I thought I didn't, but I've never really lost. How's it sitting with you? It's dope. Not how I didn't do enough to win, but just like, now there's this whole ass point to

the game. And for the first time, I could start thinking about what I need to do better. The uncles not knowingly at each other satisfied that they've taught another lesson. Yeah, like I would ask our principal if we could just have one game where we recorded the scores like in the NBA once and the uncles demeanors change. Well they may as not well record scores neither. What do you mean? That the nonstop bullshit association is totally fixed.

It's basically pro wrestling nowadays. Game boys relegate any white player with passing ability to the European leagues. They want every team to look like a goddamn rap video. And even if you're a Muslim, they'll kick you out if you don't bow down to China. Yeah, a little fun, yeah. Lessor pledging allegiance to the Chinese flag for every game and shooting dice at half time. And it's basically run by LaChina now.

Who? LaFraud. LaBitch. LaFake Injury. LaObama. LaDefun. LaPolice. LaBrandon.

LaBlack Lives Matter. LaRuin. LaLeague. Shames. This just goes on and on until the sun goes down. See him. So we are well into our plot. Noah is, you know, he's diving head first into the world of his uncles.

We see a montage of him learning skills, you know, the thing where it starts out, he's maybe not so good at it, but by the end of the montage he's amazing. And you know, these skills include hunting, fishing, cleaning a gun, most importantly filming your disputes with cashiers, and filming yourself in a car afterwards. And this ends with a very satisfying, now director's trademark type scene of a nine-minute uncut scene of Noah and his uncles smoking cigars. This leads into conflict with his family though. And you can tell that Noah is sort of alienated from his parents a bit because he starts wearing

a young conservative's type suit. But you know, he hasn't really hit him yet because he's riding high. He's got a girlfriend. His videos are getting praised by the likes of Dan Bongino online. They've never seen a kid yell at cashiers like this. And something strange is happening in the household. That grainy, you know, euphoria or yellow jacket style tone, it's gone, it's replaced with a hallmark style of smoothness.

That toilet that took four flushes, one flush, one dump now, there we go. That peanut butter, it's no longer in the refrigerator. It's jiff. And you don't have to stir it. These elements of magical realism. But they're not done. Sunday, the uncles have another trip for him. Noah thinks, oh my god, we're going to football?

My parents never let me watch that. No, even better. They go to church. And they in fact go to a mega church that looks like most of the venues we've played on this tour. And yeah, Noah's confused. He's looking up at the pastor and he's like, oh, that canter is dressed weird. Because he's, you know, wearing like a chrome heart jeans, like most pastors in the state.

But you know, after an initial confusion, it's great. He's, you know, it works so well, the love of Jesus Christ that Noah throws his well butrin in the trash on his way out. And he doesn't need it anymore. We are deeper into the magical realism back in the household, conflicts between Noah and his parents. The dad's foreskin grows back. This is a big scene.

You know, in the De- Kevin Sorbo, he's, you know, kind of the good parent in this. You know, he's like, ah, I love how this jiff tastes and this like, natty ice is great. I don't have to drink like a chilled red wine anymore. But you know, calm before the storm, his parents have to step in. The mom is pissed, which brings us to scene two, the gay, the straight conversion. The characters in the scene are Noah, David, the dad, Kevin Sorbo, I think we'll should play Noah. Rebecca, the mom that is up for grabs.

We have Dr. Jeffrey Epstein, I will play him. And then there's also a Jonathan Van Ness role, but it's only one line. We can cross that bridge when we get to it. That's Thomas. I got it. He's got it. And she can be the mom then. Yeah.

Yeah. Noah and his parents are sitting in a room filled with framed photos of Doree Mackensen, Hannah Gadsby, and Sean Penn as Harvey Milk, but not actually any pictures of Harvey Milk. There are posters written in that blocky Pinterest liberal front with affirmational phrases on them like love is love and there's no shame in needing help to find out who you really are. Parents, David and Rebecca are seated close closer together, far away from an angry and besuited Noah, a visibly Jewish man in a lab coat enters, all right, all right, new faces.

That's always a mitzvah. I'm Dr. Jeffrey Epstein. What can radical acceptance family services do for you today? I can't imagine a couple as handsome as you would need our open relationship counseling, but you never want to make assumptions. It's our son, doctor. Just a few weeks ago, he was a happily gay boy. We had him signed up for a drag show that he was supposed to be performing at this past

Saturday, then something changed. Nothing changed. I'm still your son. This is who I've always been. I've just found the confidence to show you. Feelings of temporary heterosexuality are common in kids nearing major life events, Noah. How old are you? I'm 17.

Oh, ripe age. It's a stressful one, though. I'm sure with college looming, there's a lot on your mind. Well, Noah got a full ride scholarship to Oberlin to be on their infographic team. That's wonderful. But I'm sure there are still many things that are stressing you out and maybe causing this change of behavior. The only stress I'm having is my parents trying to make me something I'm not.

My whole life, they wanted me to be someone else. They took me to see pet shop boys before I could walk. They had the password to my Insta and post stories about how I stan Charlie XCX. I don't stan her, Mom. I think she's fucking hot. I'm not giving anything or serving cunt, and I want to smash her. And Sidney Sweeney and Sarah J. Rebecca starts crying.

Noah, apologize to your mother. No, Dad. This is who I am. If you were more like your brothers, maybe you could accept that I'm not your guy's little project, and then I'm a real person. More like my brothers? Brax and Gaffin have taught me more about being myself than either of you have. David, looks confused.

Noah, I cannot tell that you're very upset, but we don't do anything here at Radical Acceptance that's forceful. We use the most advanced technology in our field to help kids become who they really are inside. And at the end of it, I promise you, no matter what, you're going to feel like yourself. Noah, he's promising you. If he breaks a promise, he has to wait all the way till I'm kipper to make up for it. Noah shrugs.

Okay, fine. We'll try your thing. Dr. Epstein leads Noah into an adjoining room. He turns off the harsh office fluorescence and hits a remote. The room is now a sexy, purplish pink. He directs Noah to a bosu ball. Noah gets over and sits on the ball. Two prongs come out of the floor and rotate to put shackles on Noah's wrists.

What is this? Why am I being restrained? At the same time, David and Rebecca are led to a room on the side where they're hidden by a one-way mirror. What is this? I thought they just showed him a video. It's a medical procedure, David. It's safe.

Janice from my book club told me all about it. Dr. Epstein puts completely black goggles on and walks over to Noah with a large syringe. This is just going to pinch you a little bit. He rolls up Noah's sleeve and sticks the needle in. Ow! What the hell was in that? It's just a Red Bull, vodka, mint, jewel, nicotine, salt, and a little molly. It's going to keep you nice and relaxed and a little alert, and this will be over before

you know it. Lady Gaga, born this way, starts playing as a screen descends from the ceiling. The screen turns on. It's JVN from Queer Eye appears in front of a desk, a dark background. Hi, lovelies. If you're seeing this video, it's because someone loves you very, very, very much. They love you so much that they want to use state-of-the-art technology and compassion to help you remember who you really are.

So sit back, put on your best joggers, slap on a mud mask, and try to forget. You know, kind of the past, you know, like two years. Scress sets is 2016, and have fun. The video starts slow, with the infographic style still images, and phrases like, queer friends giving with chosen family is a vibe, and protect Doug Emhoff at all costs, and bubbly limb faceless humanoid illustrations fly across the screen. As the song speeds up, the anamorphous infographic blobs transform into sexy, Toma Finland drawings. Those give way to rapid montage of eclipses from The Good Wife, Nanette, the Hillary

episode of Broad City, Glee, the weird dance Kamala did at the Pride Parade, etc. Noah squirms and tries to close his eyes, but the molly, from the injection, forces them open. In the glass, David looks horrified as Rebecca watches sternly. He's in pain, Rebecca! Oh, so you know better than a doctor's now, David? Noah clearly is in pain. David starts pounding the glass.

Stop! Stop this! Get my son off that bozu ball! Doctor Epstein sighs. He dejectedly hits a switch, and everything in the room goes back to normal. What are you doing, David? It was working. Unfortunately, Ms. Weintraub, we have to stop if the parent instructs us to.

Despite the nuclear family being the biggest obstacle to child liberation, the law is the law. Dr. Epstein hits the remote, and Noah's restraints retract back into the floor and desk. Noah bolts to the door. Noah, come back! You would never be my chosen family. I never want to see you again! He runs out and slams the door.

Great work putting your fragility on display, David. I want our son back just as bad as you, but I'm not going to let them put our boy in shackles and ballgags. This isn't it, Rebecca! This is so not it! You know what? Why don't you find your own way home, David? That's a great idea.

Actually forget that. I'm sleeping in my office tonight. David storms out. There's a stony silence in the room. So that's still $23,495.95. Their insurance, unfortunately, is not on network, but we do have financing options at just 32.5% APR. See.

It seems like the surgery that happened there is like the reverse version of what Marvel did to the dude. What's his name? He was in the eternals. Oh, Kameel Nanjani? Yeah, yeah. It's like the reverse version of like the Marvel chadification surgery that they give to like Chris Pratt and Kameel Nanjani, where they, you know, they just turned, yeah, I

would love... Kameel Nanjani or, as he's known in the eternals, Kingo. Kingo, yeah. I'm going to keep it a buck. The only reason I got into podcasting is to get the Kumeel surgery. Like, I've tried the gym, I've tried that shit, it's not working out. I just want to come out of a door one day and be like 6'4", you know what I'm saying? I don't want to fucking go, I don't want to do this shit no more.

Then you have to go on Instagram and complain about how traumatizing it is. Right. Yeah, I have to... Both ways. I have to pedal like Chinese research chemicals to 19-year-olds and shit. Like all that, you know, this is how you... This is how you get yulked like me. I want my jaw to weigh 20 pounds.

The picture of him like at Thanksgiving, just like clenching the knife, looking like he's going to shatter it. Yeah. That's so sick. The pictures that they did for the photoshoot post, the trend-belone Deca Ballin stacks that Disney funneled. He's like in a small British car and he's like reaching for a jewel, but he's like doing the Arnold thing, you know?

All right, back to the pitch. Sorry, to Merv, the executive I'm talking to. Sorry, Merv. I really want to be Ripped like Kumeel, I gotta carry it away. After we get this made. Yeah, yeah. Okay. So, back to our story, you know, drama nonwithstanding, Noah has learned from his uncle so well that

his videos are now going viral. They're getting millions of views. All right, yeah, he's got a fan of metrics over there. But one day, he makes the wrong video, chooses the wrong target. He sees a postal worker and unfortunately this is the two-month period in 2020 when everyone who's annoying was like, I stand the post office, it gives cunts. I buy it stamps for solidarity with the post. Does everybody remember that?

That was a thing. You were a good person if you bought stamps. I like the idea of somebody making like $13 an hour and some college student walking and be like, you're serving pussy right now. You put your whole pussy into my mailbox. My P.O. box fucking stinks. I apologize. This isn't a side, but like, I've observed this now.

He's a serving cunt good because it doesn't sound good. It doesn't sound positive. I asked my, okay, here, I asked my girlfriend that question and she sat me down like when my parents gave me the sex talk and they were like, to serve cunt is, you know, to serve a tight. And I was like, I don't give a fuck really. Like all that much. I got a raccoon head on.

I'm serving cunt, motherfucker. Well, Noah has gone from serving cunt in the conservative blog sphere to being the cunt who is served because he's now gone viral in a bad way. He's condemned on MSNBC, on blogs, TikTok, everywhere for demanding a postal worker take off his mask, which usually worked on cashiers. Everything that was given to him is now falling away. His girlfriend leaves him. His admission to Oberlin is taken away from him.

He's condemned. He's alone. He feels terrible. And he's back in the bedroom where he met his uncles and they're there with him. Well, I think I like what you did with the Noah character and obviously, Thomas, Thomas and Jake, you know, Gavin and Braxton again. Let's go. Noah is sitting in his room post cancellation with his uncles.

He's beside himself. I can't believe this. I'm being condemned on mic.com, Daily Dot and even Persuasion. They brought me up as an example of a conservative they think goes too far. Noah, it's not all sunshine and rainbows out there, boy. You're going to pay a price for standing up to the media, cashiers and hell, even janitors. Yeah, if there's any rainbows are coming from my brother over here. You hear this guy?

You'd think he was the one born 11 seconds earlier and not the one who's later to everything. Oh, that was a good one. Wait, wait, can you, can you stop doing banter? My life is ruined. I'm exactly where I was when I met you guys. Actually, it's worse. I don't even know if I'm going to be able to go to college anymore. What do you need college for?

You're a man now, Noah. And hell, you're somebody's nephew. I'm a man. I'm a man. My heart's broken. I have no future. Nobody wants to be seen with me. Chuck Windig called me a fuck-trollic shit goblin.

I was going to go into the military after college, but now I can't even enlist in the woke army after what everyone said about me. Boy, let me tell you something. God always finds a way. I wish he found a way to make it so I was never born. Hey! Don't you talk about your precious gift of life like that. I know plenty of guys who paid the ultimate price for this country, believe me, and they'd

love to be where you're at. Then try this one for size. I wish I was never anyone's nephew. Fuck! Fuck! Braxton and Gaffin look ashen. A silence sets over the room. Just leave me alone.

Let me be a loser in peace. So it turns around to open his MacBook. Right after turning it on, he looks back to see where his uncles are getting up. But they're already gone. Scene. I think the secret to being a good uncle or dad is to disappear like Batman. Kind of like my dad. I'm just kidding.

That's bad. I'm still thinking about the rig welder, Batman, being like, where are my Hummerkeys? Where did I leave the leftovers last night? Don't tell me I'm too drunk to try. I'm not better when I've had a few. What is my son's name? Sorry, I pushed my wife into the pool too hard. I think Texas Batman is the next thing they have to pursue.

Yeah. Well, it's got to get grittier and grittier. So they went gritty with bail, they went like emo with patents, and the next thing is like oil and gas, like rig welder Batman. Maybe the Batman who doesn't punch the mentally ill, he runs people over with his truck. Yeah. That's it, he literally, he never gets out of his fucking truck. Joker's on the side of the, Joker's on the side of the 6'10 loop and he just co-rolls

across the whole fucking, You don't think drunk driving is your act? Yeah, yeah. I was born in it. I'm trying to imagine the Batmobile is like a 10 foot tall Dooley with like one of those Calvin pissing on Obama's head, bumper stickers, you know? He has to step on like Alfred's shoulders to get up in there. Yeah. 5'7 rig welder, South Texas Batman.

It's sitting on 42 inch American forces and it's like, it's all blacked out except for the rims. Right. Yeah. The truck monthly payment is $955. How the fuck do I afford this with six child's port payments, god damn. Alfred is his gardener. I was going to say like the warehouse foreman, but like, yeah, the gardener is much better.

I will not do the voice. I have a job in real life. Wait, wait, wait. You can imagine the voice. You can imagine the voice in your own head. I'm not sure what voice you're referring to. Tom is like, please, I need more detail. I was just wondering.

So that's another exciting franchise. We could get into if you option this, you can, you can, you can option a whole slate of concepts. So this is just one of them. I don't know how many Mervs there are in Texas, specifically Houston, but hopefully we can get one. Yeah. Out of a crowd of about 500 of you, there's got to be one Merv.

Yeah. We all got that one Merv friend. Yeah. All right. So Noah has banished his uncles. Now the magical realism is going away. You got to stir the peanut butter again. Dad's foreskin grows back there.

No, it goes away. 15. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It goes away. 15 to 20 flushes per dump.

Yep. Funds over. Funds over. It looks like prestige tea. It looks like in treatment now. He's back to take Poppingwell butchering. Yeah. Oh my God.

Yeah. The whole house has euphoria lighting from the foyer to like the bathroom area. Yeah. It's, it's a sad scene. But you know, from Noah's parents perspective, at least there's a silver lining because Noah has taken his skills of making car videos and done the greatest apology ever, causing Oberlin to accept him back on the condition that he stay in their apology dorms that are for freshmen who have committed acts similar to Noah where there is no plumbing

or electricity or heat and they have to wear clothes that are donated to the school by famous alumni, Lena Dunham. They've all got the hair of a dead dog on them somewhere. You guys should read about that if you haven't. Bad situation. They just keep giving them out. I don't know. Viewer, this is one sad ballot that is not produced by Jack Antonoff.

Yeah. Noah's in the dorms. He's now just trying to be a normal college kid. He's trying to keep his head down, hit the books, and maybe put his life back together. But when you're somebody's nephew, you're not allowed to be normal. Trouble may follow you. One day during Zoom classes, someone does like a blind acknowledgement or something wrong and it causes an armed contingent of protestors to take over the school.

Noah's ex-girlfriend is among the hostages. Noah is now faced with a choice. Should I use the skills that my now abandoned, denounced, magically disappeared uncles taught me? Or should I go silently into the night? Well, you picked right, Merv. Thank you, Merv! Because that is what he's going to try to do.

But because he doesn't have the magic of his uncles, he falls short. And that leads us into our final written scene. For this scene, scene four, I think that Matt should be the Antifa Goon character. I am the Antifa Goon. I feel like your Oscar bait performance is right there. This isn't my reel. You know, Braxton and Gavin, obviously, and Will, back as Noah, and Chris doing stage direction.

Noah is kneeling with both his hands behind his head. And Antifa Goon, who got the jump on him due to his familiarity with OSHA compliant building layouts, has an SKS automatic, semi-automatic rifle pointed at the back of his head. Really normal to see a Chex notes, ah yes, guy trying to be a hero during a peaceful protest. I swear to you, I am not trying to get between you and whatever your goal you've got. I'm just trying to find someone really important to me. Well, I see the bad excuse maker has logged on, and he's got divorced guy energy. I swear I'm not.

That's not my energy at all. I promise. Hold on. I feel like I know you from somewhere, or at least recognize your face. And not just in the way all white guys look the same to me. You must have me confused with somebody else. No, I recognize you. You're the take off your mask, bro.

This hits so different. The horizontal democratic organizer council is going to actually lose it on your feet. We're taking you to meet a dope bunch of folks who are doing amazing work. As Noah rises, he furthers his brow. He has to make a move. He turns around and reaches for the Goon's rifle. He gets a hold of it, but only removes the poorly attached laser sight. The Goon smacks him with the butt of the rifle.

Noah is knocked on his back with the Goon pointing the gun at his head. Not trying to be a hero, Noah. My man's gave up an opportunity to actually learn something from real organizers, but now you're just going to be part of a one man die in. Please, please God, I'm somebody's nephew. Don't let it end like this. Bam! A loud shot rings from the rifle and pierces through the hallway.

When Noah opens his eyes, he sees the uncles. Gaffin is holding the 7.62 round that was meant for Noah's skull. What the literal fuck? Before he could get any more Twitter, get out any more Twitter speak. Braxton rapidly slaps on some flexi tie handcuffs on the Goon's wrist and throws him to the floor. Think you dropped this? Let me hand it back to you.

Just pulls the bullet. What happened to the accountability commander's skull? Look on the broadside, Buttercup, you're definitely still voting for Brandon again. Wait, where did you guys come from? Did you catch a speeding bullet? How did you know where to find me? Well now's as good a time as any. I suppose so, Gaffin.

No, me and Braxton died in 2003 while serving our country. You're dead? Yeah. Our bodies died that day, but we've been watching over you since our little bro knocked up that pain in the you know what. We left one army that day, but we've been an even bigger one ever since. Noah, we're angels. We're angels.

We're fucking angels, Noah. Yeah. Have you ever seen some shit like this? Cool as fuck, honestly. There you go. We're getting our head of ourselves. We ain't there yet, Gaffin. No, not even close.

Bear in core of this, my brother's right for once, we're angels in training. When a good man dies, he goes to serve God Almighty. When a soldier dies, he becomes an angel. But for uncles, they can't become full angels if their nephews are going to become soy man. And our commanding officer, Archangel Michael, gave us our sit-trip on you. That became our duty. You're the most valuable strategic asset we've ever protected, Noah. That's a goddamn fact.

How is it that my dad never said anything about you guys, or how you died in the war? Was it in Afghanistan, Iraq? Oh shit, not exactly either of those. There was a lethally-oriented three-car pile-up in Okinawa that we were involved in, and our Jeep became an improvised vehicular explosive device on account of grenades that nobody told us were in there. I mean, Noah, you know how it is. You're trying to order drinks, and it's all in there fucked up, weird writing.

Like, I'm supposed to be able to tell how strong something is, because they got the one that looks like a house with some fucking lines through it. Shit! God damn it! I had too many of them fucked up house drinks. You combine that with a little bit of jet lag, boy, and the way they signal over there, however the fuck they do it. It's amazing it doesn't happen more, but it's neither here nor there.

You're always going to be our nephew, Noah. And that would be true, even if we had survived that, Rick. Like that lucky kid in the minivan. Whether we're flesh and blood, record, baby lord, open high heaven, these baby lords NCOs. We're always going to be there for you. The last I checked, you got a girl to save. Braxton, tosses Noah, an M1911. M1911?

Yeah, there we go. That's the right way to say that. It's a pistol. Okay. M1911. Now go show these sons of bitches what your uncles taught you. Scene. So before we wrap this up, Merv, we think this is a strong point.

We have a very complicated and self-contradictory lore about how angels work in this movie and how they need to get a heaven challenge coin. And we think there is a huge secondary market for this media property and eternal buzz, the best kind, made by losers making YouTube videos explaining the lore of secret uncles and the angel extended universe, but you know, before we get ahead of ourselves, let's wrap this up. There is, of course, director's trademark 20 minute long raid style single shot action sequence of Noah taking back Oberlin and killing about 300 people, I would say.

Imagine John Wick, but at the end it's a Hillary Clinton ad. That's basically. And the initial budget for this movie is only 2.5 million, but the single shot action sequence costs another $20 million, right, because it's all squibs. Absolutely. He kills all the atifa, but then he goes in and he kills, he kills the entire humanities department. Right.

The only professors left standing are STEM and business professors. And that's why you're in the code. They all lined up to give them a big high five at the end. If any of you here are studying anything at Rice or U of H other than STEM, you're fucked. So, Noah's the hero once again, he gets the girl back. His family apologizes to him. And they're like, Noah, you know what, if you want to join the Navy and then flip houses afterwards like you were talking about, you can do it.

And you know, the mom, she's like, Noah, I feel so bad. I never listened to you. How can I make this up to you? And Noah goes, you know what, there actually is a way. You could come to church with me. The family is now Christian and they're in church and it's sort of reminiscent of the final scene of Return of the King or The Last Jedi or whatever the. Star Wars.

Star Wars. You know what I'm talking about. Where it's, you know, it's a metal scene. Everyone's there. Boosie's there. Dan Bongino. The guys who were investigating Fusion GPS for Trump. They're all at Lakewood Church with Joel Osteen.

Yeah. Yeah. And the Kyle Rittenhouse, they're all there, they're all there as Noah is getting a metal pinned on him by Joel Osteen. And we, it's the end, maybe, but then the credits roll, the credits are done. They're not very long because we didn't hire Union Labor and we don't have to put names in there. And credit scene, the uncles, their radar, their angel radar picks up, they've got another

nephew out there. You have a franchise. The secret, the secret uncle's extended universe. Hopefully you guys make enough money on this that the second nephew is Timothy Chalamet. Yes. I would just, I would, the second nephew, I would love to teach Brazilian jiu-jitsu to a Timothy Chalamet with green hair and he's like a social media manager who really like wants to stick it to Antifa.

So yeah, that's our, that's our movie script. And I think all of our performers on stage, let's take a bow for everyone here tonight. Let's do it up. Oh, fuck. All right. Ah, shit. I ain't doing it. White Oak, Houston, and the entire state of Texas.

We are Chapo Trap House, they are Pendejo Time. You guys have been awesome. We're out. Love you guys. Cheers. Stick around. We're signing posters afterwards. We'll be out there in just a few minutes.

Fuck all you hoes. Detroit till I die, motherfucker. Say hello to my mom for me. I'm talking all that bullshit. Say hello, mom. Fuck. All right. Sorry, mom.

Ain't no way. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Man. Fucking fuck. Fuck. Holy, I'm going. Fuck.

Fuck. All right. 해리 substantial. Okay? Go. Fuck. Fuckin' big sideways, my way, on the highway Listen up, ain't nothing changed

Here I still don't give a fuck So what the fuck's up with all the backlash? You snowflakes, here's the news that Ain't nobody gonna tell me how to live