Chapo Trap House - 662 - “The Queen” (2006) (9/12/22)

Episode Date: September 13, 2022

The boys start with a roundtable discussion of 9/11 and modern fashion trends. Then, we take a look at the New York Times new in-depth reporting on Yeshiva schools in NYC failing to teach children basic skills, and how that relates to the state & purpose of public education in general. Finally, Will has sourced an exquisite reading series on the passing of the Queen by Chicago’s own Jon Kass. Dates & Tickets to all our upcoming shows: https://www.chapotraphouse.com/live And of course, links to our new merch: https://chapotraphouse.shop/

Damn. I feel like a woman. Hey, it's Choppo. And we're all feeling like ladies today. Happy belated 9-11 to everyone who celebrates. Oh wait, before I forget, because you cheapskates in pain for this episode at the top of the hour we are giving you the plug for the tour. Now, I announced this on the last Patreon episode. So I think there are probably some of you out there who feel safe in the knowledge that like, you know, I know they're going to be in town, but you know what? They're going to release the live show as an audio recording. I'll hear what went down. You know, if they think good of the live show, if any gems got dropped, you know, I'll just, I'm sure they'll put it out as part of the regular

scheduled podcast. Wrong. No gems. No. Zero gems. The only people who will know the secret forbidden truths we share at these, this next state of slate of live shows in Chicago, LA, New York, and Miami, Fort Lauderdale will be the people who buy tickets and see us live. Some of you we are rewarding by not releasing our live episodes as part of the podcast feed. Others of you we are punishing or rather encouraging you to come see us perform live. Like as I explained before, these live shows will be like Tibetan sand mandalas. It will be beautifully constructed and then they will just be washed away when they're over to be heard and experienced only one time ever. So if that sounds like something that you

might be interested in, once again, in Chicago, LA, New York, and Miami, Fort Lauderdale, please I implore you to check out chopo traphouse.com slash live and buy tickets for this extraordinary live experience, which will only be experienced by the people in the room. Look, there've been a lot of winers about the live episodes and you know what, we get it. We're very proud of the live content that we do. We think it's great. But you know, like the experience of either commuting to community college or commuting from community college where you are an instructor, you're teaching some sort of advanced driving class, you're teaching future police officers how to do pit maneuvers, I presume. You know, you don't like the FOMO. You don't like hearing

the audience sounds. Well, we get it. Except, okay, so these are live only. We're taking another thing that you've said into account. You know how you're always telling us like, oh, you should have Stavros on. You've never had Stavros on. Well, we're finally going to do it. He will be on for the first time. Oh, you want us to interview your stats professor? We're doing it. You want us to talk to Ralph Nader? He's going to be there. He's going to shoot ping pong balls out of his pussy. You want us to, I don't know, talk to that guy who they just wrote the article about him where it's like, this guy's a Democratic consultant, but he has parties. We're talking to him. He's going to be there. And you know

what, you'll never hear it unless you come. Felix, I am saving that article for one of these live shows though, because it was too good. It was too good to piss away. Oh, man. audience. Yeah, no, I'm really excited for that. I don't want to like go into it too deep to spoil the live show, but it is. I don't know. I think it's cool to write an article about someone where like the subtext is like, guess who's having casual sex? Like in the newspaper. Well, so let's get things off to Friday show. Like I said, belated, belated, belated 9 11. Rememberances to everyone. Everyone listening. None of them remembers 9 11. Every single person listening to this show right

now has no conscious memories of 9 11 as they were not born yet. They were not born. And if you do, you know, just never forget. That's all I got to say. Never forget. I will say though, my favorite part about this now 21st anniversary of 9 11. Hey, it can drink. It can now legally enter a bar in America. Who would have thought? But my favorite part about this 21st anniversary 9 11 is the absence, the absence of what has become a 9 11 sort of ritual, a sort of tradition. I'm speaking, of course, about Artie Fleischer's annual retweeting of all of his tweets from 9 11. Is there is annual he would do it over again. He would like always artisanally crafted. That's how much he got off on it. That's

fucking yeah. Where was it this year? He announced that he is retiring his annual reminiscence on his minified the minute by minute counts 9 11. I wonder why you do that is he is retiring his minute by minute accounts of basically being shuffled into a bunker for an entire day with George W. Bush while Dick Cheney looted the Black Eagle Trust Fund and shot the United 93 out of the sky with a missile. No, he retired his annual reminiscence on 9 11 because I mean, or not because of, I'll just say it's merely a coincidence that he was hired to do PR for the Saudi Gulf tour a couple months before it's now 21st 9 11 anniversary. Do you think that that has anything to do with the fact that he's forgot about 9 11? I think it would be

like he's still doing it, but it's more like an internal presentation and it's more like when you go to Epcot and it's like Disney through the ages. Yeah, I mean with any other good 9 11 remembrances. I mean, the only other thing that I took note of on this 9 11 is that they're back to trying to pretend that Iran did 9 11. Who's trying that? Just the usual suspects, you know. Oh, like FDD. Yeah, for foreign foundation for defensive democracies. Yeah. There's something on Fox News. Iran's role in 9 11 planning requires further investigation. Well, yeah, you know, if you don't figure it out in the first 21 years, you've got 21 more to try. You know, Iran, you know, okay, they issued official condolences, which is like anyone

can do that. The Saudis did that even though, you know, they sent it from the same letterhead they used to plan it. Okay, there was a lot of people don't know this. There was a candlelight vigil in Iran on 9 11, like for America attended by thousands of people like Jesus fucking Christ. That is like, oh, my God, it's like, yeah, that's when Felix forgetting about you're forgetting about that group of Iranian art students who were caught dancing in New Jersey on 9 11. Yeah, the Iranians. Yeah, they're Iranian. Right. Pretty sure. Yeah, they're from Iran. And then when they're on Iranian TV, they, you know, talked about how they were just doing their job. Like doing that, like the Iranians fucking doing that, that is like, when a really religious

family, like when someone in their family gets killed and they protest against the execution of the guy that killed them. I mean, like, God bless them. That is a, it's beautiful of them, but like, holy shit, did we not deserve that candlelight vigil judging by how we acted immediately after that. It's so intimidating because, okay, who is more responsible for 9 11 Saudis or Iran? Which one of their intelligence services was like instrumental in creating al-Qaeda in the first place? It was not Iran. In fact, like right after the invasion of Afghanistan, they tried to work with us to protect like a Shia minority in Afghanistan. Yeah, the Hazar. Yeah. And like, you know, we should not have invaded there, obviously, but there was some decent cooperation there just for

practicality's sake, because, you know, they spoke the language. They did all the things we didn't do. And then when the access of evil speech, of course, happened, of course, that went out the window and those people were slaughtered. You're right, Felix. It is the foundation for defense of democracies. I'm just reading here. It says, if you want to make the case that Iran was complicit, directly complicit in 9 11, you don't have enough information, Bill Rogio, senior fellow with the nonprofit foundation for defensive democracies, an editor of long war journal told Fox News Digital. But if you want to say that Iran has sheltered and is essentially a state sponsor of terrorism, because it's harboring and providing material support for al-Qaeda pre and post 9 11, you can

easily make that case. This is really weak. They're not even really trying here. They're just like, look, if you're looking for evidence that Saudi Arabia had anything to do with 9 11, we're going to have to keep looking. But if you're looking for evidence that Iran also did, maybe kind of did 9 11 or supports al-Qaeda, well, then buddy, we've got plenty of evidence there. We'd be happy to show it to you after this commercial break. Or you can like, you can donate to the foundation of defense of democracies for further information on this intelligence that they have. It's just, they have small donors. I have to say, being a small donor to FDD is like probably the most common. Dude, being a small donor to FDD is like tipping your utility company

when you pay your bill. Holy shit. I mean, Iran. Okay. So Iran, Iranian intelligence services have had some contact with al-Qaeda in the past. There have been some al-Qaeda guys that like hidden Iran just because it's like, I mean, it's what intelligence services do. I think they all exist to fucking talk to al-Qaeda. I think there's one guy in Costa Rica that makes up their version of the IRGC or CIA, and he just is Penbells with one lowly al-Qaeda guy. That's what they're there for. But if you want to talk about who's talking to al-Qaeda after 9 11, I mean, I think you find four more correspondences from the CIA than the IRGC. Well, or before 9 11. I mean, if the standard here is that like, oh, Iranian intelligence services had contacts with al-Qaeda

prior to 9 11, then buddy, I got news for you about some other intelligence services out there. If you're saying that Iran harbored some of the people who did 9 11, wait till you hear about the intelligence agencies that let them into the country. Yeah. Yeah. No, it is. Yeah. You just can't go down that road. I mean, the thing that they, the FDD people did, like the less delusional ones that they tried after the fact when they realized that like, they weren't going to stick 9 11 on Iran as much as they needed to for a war, which they really fucking wanted. They're really going for that. No five and oh six and people just weren't for it. It was going, well, look what they've done to our brave troops in the country

that we invaded right next door. They're minding their own business. Those those shaped charges, the penetrative explosive. I gotta say that really ground my gears. The way that they referred to attacks on American occupation troops in Iraq as terrorist attacks. Like, that's not what that is. I'm sorry. They're a fucking military formation. If they are not a valid target, according to laws of war, then what the fuck is? Yeah, that that is like what the more normal, you know, quote unquote, normal people in the net sex fear. Many Democrats, many like anti-Trump Republicans said after Trump killed Suleymane, they're like, well, I hate Trump, but this is good because of the terrorist attacks he commanded on American troops during the

insurgency. And it's like, if that's terrorism, then just like any like, adjudicor was terrorism then. It's amazing that they haven't decided to just go retro on that and apply it to everything else. Because I mean, they don't even call like the Cuban revolution terrorism, because by that definition, it absolutely was ambushing military patrols and stuff. That's terrorism. Yeah, who can forget the horrible terrorist attack in 1944 in Normandy, waged by the Americans. The terrorist strike at Lexington and Concord. It's like, fine, you want to do that. Let's have fun. But like, it's not viable. Well, you know, I mean, again, just not too much, not too much used to be squeezed out of 9 11 on 9 11 juice is is run out. And

it really is like 9 11. It's over for you, honey. I mean, you got a whole generation who don't remember it at all. And everybody else has moved on because the 9 11 framework of this civilizational conflict on some distant frontier has been replaced by war at home. So the the vocabulary of the war on terror and the primal scene of 9 11 are now have been superseded. There's new primal scenes like like the George Floyd protests, which are far more or or January 6, which are the things that are like blazing into our current understanding of who our enemies are. Yeah, it's not it's not terrorism or Muslims or any of that bullshit. Yeah. And 9 11. I mean, the FDD guys are just so they're so superfluous for the Republican side. They've always been like,

you know, it's a bipartisan, awful thing to take, but decidedly more on the Republican side of the Natseksphere. But they are kind of like a 25 year old having a fake ID for Republicans, because it used to be like, okay, we need we're going to use this 9 11 cudgel to, you know, stoke anti Muslim sentiment and like maybe hit the immigration bell, just the right amount. But it's like, they don't need that anymore. This subtext is gone. You don't need an excuse. You just go out and say it. Yeah, folks, you want, folks, you want to know how washed 9 11 is. And about three years time, Leonardo DiCaprio is going to leave her for the Stephen Paddock shooting. Yeah, I mean, it won't even it won't even be a marker of time anymore. It won't even

be like, oh, you date girls with no memory of 9 11. It'll be like, oh, you date girls with no memory of Gary Condit. And the summer of the shark, you date no girls with memories of the first benefit. Wow, which is by the way, back, they're back. Yes, I don't think you can see how close literally moving back. We're in a time break backward now. And like we're rushing towards like, Felix has talked about this a lot. We're already like in like the 2012 like around 2012, we're hurdling back into the Bush era. This is like tenant. I mean, have you there is like, there has been a I might be out of it now. I still see I still see a lot of it out out in the world. I mean, there's an early 2000s fashion craze. Yep. You know, I'm dang low rise jeans.

Christopher Nolan really missed, missed, missed the stitch here in Tenet. There should have been a scene in that movie where the Twin Towers reconstruct themselves. That should have been the climax of that movie. No, I don't think that's it. I don't think there's anything stopping this. There's nothing going to pull us back. We're going next. Jinkos, big t-shirts, big graphic t-shirts with hip hop loony tunes or like charged company names like Big Johnson's. Go ahead naked. Go ahead naked. Go ahead naked. That's where we're going. Yeah, I would love to see. I would love to see like a sort of way fish young woman, a new school grad wearing a gangster Tweety Bird jacket. Has anyone seen Blade Trinity? Oh, yeah. I've seen Blade Trinity.

Jessica Biel, Ryan Reynolds, bring a little heat. I think it came out in 2004. And in it, Jessica Biel is wearing that like that like Evanescence ass like a Lita from WWF thing with like the skin tight long sleeve shirt and then the low rise jeans. And I saw it. I watched it. I recently saw it on TV and I was like, oh, shit, they're dressing like that again. The ladies are dressing this way. It's early. It's early bush. You know, it's going to be huge. And this is a huge recommendation for the many late bloomers in our audience. You know, if you're 37, there's going to be an article about you having casual sex. Here's one way. Here's one way to fast track that. All right. Get a t-shirt. Get a t-shirt that Jesse Pinkman may wear, you know?

Yeah. Yeah. Get like a big scary skull or like it should just have like two words on it, perhaps instead in like sort of a if you remember the first Cherry Coke font like that. And it should say it should say something like no entries, a band, you know, condemned biohazard. And then under that, wear a nice waffle tee. Long sleeve waffle tee. That is a good style. Yes. Yeah. The t-shirt over the long sleeve shirt, that was the official uniform of 27-year-olds dating 17-year-olds. Yes. We're all becoming pink like sort of season one, season two, Jesse Pinkman. That's the thing is like as history like reverses itself and we're going backwards in time, will we go back beyond the date of September 11th or will history just like even going back

or just hit like a sort of Terminator at 9-11? Like will we will we recede further into the 90s or will we just hit the wall of the early 2000s and then begin recycling shit again? Yeah. Everyone's kind of been behaving like Final 3 C's as Jesse Pinkman where it's like, oh, I'm sad. The love of my life died of heroin overdose. Oh, I'm sad. My best friend poisoned my stepson. Oh, boo-hoo, poor me. I was a slave. Whereas you need to be season one and two, Jesse when he's wearing the cool shirts. I don't think we're going to be able to go much later, much farther back than the 90s because 90s is the decade where people basically stopped giving a shit. Like the 90s is when they start being like, I don't actually care how I look going outside. I

would just like to be comfortable. And the 80s was the last vestige of like fashion as a self-conscious like part of someone's identity. Like when you look at those 80s fashions, it's like, damn, people were putting the work in. And now the entire point is to find a creative way to put zero work in. So I think we can only stick between that band. I don't think we can ever get to the point where people are like looking like flock of seagulls videos. It's just too time consuming. Everybody's too tired. Everyone's too depressed. Yeah. I saw there's a movie from 1999, like the last year of doing that, that I saw with Jason Biggs. You know, one of those movies where it's like, oh, well, a lower middle class guy succeed in, you know, getting a girlfriend.

Saving someone? No, it was one before that it was, it was, um, loser. Is it the Woody Allen? It was loser. Yeah, it was loser. It was loser. Yeah. It was his big follow up to American Pie. Yeah. Greg Kinnear plays like an evil professor who's dating a student in it and to like show that he's bad. There's a big scene of him buying a turtleneck. It's like, look how much it's gonna suck. Garment. It really is. But it is like, that's like the implication that he cares about fashion too much. You know, I think we've talked about this at the show before, but still has never sunk in for me that Jason Biggs, not Jewish, Italian. It's crazy. I mean, I know if he was going to be anything else, it would have had to have been that because they have that packed,

the Italian Jewish patch, they could play each other in movies, which is why one of the great rogues in film history was Sean Penn in Carlito's way. It's like careful Irish. Yeah. Yeah. I love Kleinman though. That's my favorite shown pen performance. No, he's not Jewish. He shows that it shouldn't just be limited, but generally it is. He's half Jewish. She gets in. Okay. Never mind. Yeah. No, I would like to be, I'd like to be played by Bobby kind of Ollie's son in the movie about our show. That'd be awesome. What is this Bobby kind of Ollie? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No, I mean, he's a very handsome man. If we're going to get graphic. Well guys, this is actually a

perfect segue to my next topic for this show. Gentlemen, rarely is a question asked, is our Hasidic Jewish kids learning? Oh man. Oh boy. Talk about it. Talk about a can of worms they opened up. I'm sure you guys have seen this. Okay. This is going to start as a, like a sort of a very New York City local story, but I think there are national implications that I want to get into. But there was a huge New York Times article that came out just yesterday that essentially does an audit of the private school system run by New York City's Hasidic Jewish community, which is basically the size of Boston's entire public school system. It has something like 50,000 kids and, you know, gets receives. And this is, and the article like

actually was the first time anyone ever did like, I think a forensic audit of just how much money they get from the state. But the private school system that educates only Hasidic Jewish children in New York gets $375 million a year from the state of New York to essentially not teach kids anything other than the Talmud and like ancient Aramaic. I mean, like, look, here's the, like, the sort of the nut graph from the piece here. It says, the Hasidic Jewish community has long operated one of New York's largest private schools on its own terms, resisting any outside scrutiny on how its students are faring. But in 2019, the school, the Central United Talmudical Academy, agreed to give state standardized tests and reading and math to more than 1000 students.

Every one of them fail. Students at nearly a dozen other schools run by the Hasidic community recorded similarly dismal outcomes last year, a pattern that under ordinary circumstance was signal and education system in crisis. But where other schools might be struggling because of underfunding or mismanagement, these schools are different. They are failing by design. And look, I mean, like the article just goes on to show that like, I mean, like it interviews interviewed hundreds of people, including one of them a 28 year old man who's left the Hasidic Jewish community who first learned to read English at 28 when someone gave him a Dr. Seuss book. I mean, they're showing like a, a really like, okay, look, the idea that there is any institution

that is allowed to exist and call itself a school where like, there is no emphasis made, I mean, like where kids are just not taught to read and write. Like I think that's a disgrace. But like to also be getting that much money from the state, from our public education system to essentially keep children in a state of complete ignorance and completely isolated from the world they live in. And, you know, I saw, I mean, some defenses, haha, of the this, this abominable, quote unquote, education system by, you know, the usual suspects, the Heritage Foundation or whatever. And there's this one guy who said, like, you know, middle America agrees with us that schooling is primarily about creating community, not about not about status and money.

And to that, I replied to him, I think education is about primarily about teaching kids to read and write. And he replied to me, this guy, Jason Burdick or whatever from the Heritage Foundation, he said, they can read and write in three languages. And I replied is one way to put it. I replied is English, one of them. And no, it's Hebrew, Aramaic and Yiddish, which look like I'm not saying that's not education, but I'm saying like, like, if you're going to live in America, I don't think you should like kids should be illiterate by the age of like 12. Right. This is always, this is the problem you have with Hasid. You have it also with fundamentalist Mormons. I was going to say, they are the only two groups that have this kind of

group just allowed to exist. And like, you look at these kind of like close to the communities, they would be busted up by the police. They would never be allowed to get this far. It's only the Mormons and the Orthodox. Well, yeah, but you always, okay, you have this problem with like this type of thing. And I'm sure there's an equivalent in like every western nation to some extent where like, yeah, there is a group where maybe, well, in the case of the fundamentalist Mormons and the Hasids, they are on average, your average guy that you pick out, your average family, they'll probably be lower income than the average, more secular member or more normal member of their sect in the broader nation. But as a group, they have like,

you know, it's like a sack of potatoes, so to speak. They want it both ways always, right? They're saying, no, we're doing this because the secular world is disgusting. We want to maintain our values. Okay, fine. But they also want, you know, 10, 11 figures in fucking government largesies and get them always. Not only that, but they want like a parallel system backed up by the state. They want to have like their own ambulatory services. They want to have their own police. They want to have like, yeah, in this case, they're in schools and they always get them. They want their own bus service paid for by the city. Yeah, they, in the case of the Hasids, they're very involved in local government, which like, sure, that's everyone's right.

But it just like, I don't know. I mean, I sound like a French person here, but you either have to, if you want to participate in this way, you should acknowledge there are secular values to this thing or there should be or that they're supposed to be. They're sort of enshrined. You cannot live in a modern, in a 21st century, like multicultural democracy, you cannot live in a secular modern society and essentially reap all of the value, like all the value and benefit and safety and protection that comes with living in that society and then demand that you have a right to keep kids in a state of illiteracy. Right. That is a big rub here. Look, this wouldn't be a thing if it was like the only thing they wanted was to wear coats when it's too hot. Look, I obviously disagree with

that, but that's your thing. When it is preventing kids from like, leaving into the outside world and fucking purposely keeping them from speaking the language of the world around them, behaving in every single way as a fucking abusive cult does, both in this case, in the case of Fundamentalist Mormons and fucking anything else like this you could find in America or elsewhere, then it becomes a problem when you are being backwards in every single way that people are fucking backwards. I mean, I mean, another detail in this article outside of just, you know, not teaching, reading, writing or basic arithmetic or basically anything other than just studying the Talmud 12 hours a day. Also, the use of corporal punishment is commonplace in these schools.

And there was even a detail about parents bribing teachers not to beat their children, which is like, okay, leaving aside, like, does this count as education? Like, no, you cannot beat kids even in a private school. You can't do that. It's illegal. Here's an interesting counter example. Do the Pennsylvania Dutch and like Amish communities, like, do they take, do they get a lot of money from the state too? Like, I'm asking a question. I don't know the answer to this, but like, it would be like, like, there is another, that's a religious group of people that essentially have removed themselves from modern society. They interact with modern society. They're aware that it exists. They even like, you know, allow for people to leave if they

want. But like, I mean, like the Amish, like, it seems like they're more dedicated to just kind of doing their own thing. I don't know. But that's because they are able, you know, they're out in the, they're out in, you know, the middle of the, they got farms, you know, they're not, they're not packed up. Right. I don't really like that either, to be honest with you. I just, it's one thing when you're doing it, when you are bringing children into this world and like, you just, you, whether whatever your intentions are, okay, hypothetically, let's say that the Dutch, the Pennsylvania Dutch don't take any largesies from the state, let's say they do it perfectly. It's still like, there's something abusive and backwards about it that I really do

not like and I would prefer like it to not happen. But like, yeah, I mean, the hot seeds are a special case because they are, yeah, receiving government money to have a school as would exist in the shtetl where you're, you're, I don't know, taking a tree branch and hitting a fucking kid with it. There is something though that I think, I don't know, like, if you think of it from their point of view though, okay, the kids should not be doing these, you know, private schools, they should be going to public schools, but like New York public schools aren't that great either. And it's like, yes, obviously there's a lot more actual education happening there, but also there's a degree of deculturalization, like you're losing, like you're perceived as like the

patriarchs of these communities as somebody who's like, at least we have this, this community, we have each other. And we would rather hold on to that than get our kids a education that might help them, you know, navigate a world that's also going to fuck them over because there's no carrot to go with the stick of, of like a seeding to the wider culture anymore, because the state is, is no longer capable of presenting any kind of idea of a safety net or a path to upward mobility. That is the best argument I've heard for them. Maybe you should take over as a PR guy for them, as opposed to the guy who's making those wonderful tweets. Oh, God, that's the thing. It's like, dude, you guys have a case. What are you doing?

You're blowing it here. I don't know if people saw the tweets, but I, they were definitely going in-house for this one. I will say that. Those were not written by any PR professional. Let me just read, I'm going to read from like, not Matt's sort of broader distance. So the idea of maintaining sort of the boundaries of religious traditionalism within the modern society, this is in the Heritage Foundation guy though, Bedrick. He says, he writes, in truth, the hostility towards Yeshivas is not as much grounded in empirical facts as it is in a philosophical worldview. To the elite readers of the New York Times, the primary purpose of

education is to convey economically useful skills and politically desired dispositions so that their children can maintain their status in the ruling class. They hold that view without reflection or even awareness that others might think that education should serve different, legitimate purposes. Rather than focusing on the skills that are required to gain status and power, the Yeshivas in schools favored by most Americans, favored by most Americans, are focused on developing the character of children so that they grow up to be decent human beings. I don't think you can have character or have community if you can't read or write. And like, I'm sorry, if the character of, I'm sorry, like, this is where my,

the counter argument to Mass Point is that, like, if the character of your tradition and community that you're looking to maintain depends on keeping each new generation in a state of complete ignorance about the world, then I don't think it's a community or culture worthy of preserving. That's just how I feel about it. Right. Yeah. Just my two things here. I got to say, Bedrick, that sounds like a guy who makes two appearances in a song of ice and fire, probably gets crushed to death by the mountains. Second of all, yeah, I saw this pointed to a lot that most Americans support Yeshivas. I would love to see, I would love to see that brought, that word brought in front of Americans and see them try to define what that

word means. Shout out to our good friend, Dan, who pointed out, I think, one of the most telling details of the story. Basically, like, the interesting fact that girls have a better educational outcome in things like arithmetic and basic literacy, because so little emphasis is made on educating them within the Yeshiva system that they accidentally are just, like, learn things because nobody's paying attention to what they're doing. Yeah, they don't have to just read the same book over and over again. They have time for other shit. But I mean, I guess, like, the broader question outside of, like, an interesting local story about the complete failure of New York State and city government to, I don't know, manage its, you know, educational system and,

you know, prevent children from being abused and kept in a state of dangerous ignorance. I guess, like, the broader question is, like, this religious schooling model of which, like, education is, education in, like, a fluency in a, like, modern secular world is taking the back seat or just completely off-board it for character, community, tradition, you know, like, you know, to sort of mold kids within a non-secular sort of pre-modern community and tradition, etc. Is this thing with this Curtis Supreme Court, like, this is going to become more and more de rigueur? Like, would you guys agree with that? Like, this model is one that's going to be introduced as, and, like, we've talked about this before, but whether it's CRT, whether it's, like, you know,

gender bathroom panic, or whether it's, you know, like, prayer in school and things like that, like, behind all of these, behind all this kind of school choice, behind every one of these issues as, like, the conservative point of view on education or education system, is doing away with public school entirely. Yes. I think it's going to be creating a tripartite arrangement. There will still be public schools, but they will be functionally prisons. Like, I mean, we all, you know, not in the Foucaultian sense, but, like, in the literal sense, that they will just fuck the school, the prison pipeline, it's one room, saves time, saves energy. And you will have these, yes, like, religiously oriented as a

substitute, usually for some ethnic orientation, private school networks for, like, the lower middle class. And then, private tutors, the return of the old, the old Greek model for the upper crust. Oh, I would have loved that. Um, I, uh... What, to do frottage with Aristotle? Like, young Alexander? Yeah, no. I mean, like, teach me whatever. I don't care. I just, yeah. I just want to, I just want to, like, you know, between the thighs, maybe. Yes, yes. That's the way they did it. That's how they rolled. Yeah. If I had started doing front squats earlier, I think I could have had, like, a gorilla gripper, quadriceps. You could have been, you could have been milk and playdough like a goddamn cow. Yeah, I would have been, like,

the super head of the religious system. Been well-known, passed around by all the best. Oh, Jesus. But, um, I, so, it's weird, right? I think that there is, I think that since Dobbs, and it's not just about abortion, necessarily, but I think that there has been a sort of realization of a silent majority of people who wouldn't necessarily describe themselves as socially liberal, but are sick of, like, a social conservative overreach, right? And that in the best case scenario, there is, like, a broad depolarization in some aspects that's against, like, you know, all the goofy shit, all the, like, 11-year-olds have to give birth. We're going to ruin every fucking parent-teacher conference, blah, blah, blah. I wouldn't fully bet on the best outcome,

really, ever, you know? But I would say, even if that does happen, you're still going to have the 20%, the 20% of America that's, for the foreseeable future, always going to be there and always going to be saying, like, no, we do want 11-year-olds to give birth. They will go further and further into their, uh, into things like this, as Matt said. I think we'll, I mean, I think we'll, we'll probably see, like, a parochial version of, like, QAnon schools, right? Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah, where they teach you the proofs. Oh, God. It's like, yeah, it's like, we don't need the Bible. We have the proofs now. The next, the, the refinement of the Bible into, like, action items for life and how to, how to map reality.

And I mean, like, I think there's a reason why, like, education is increasingly becoming more and more of, like, a culture war battleground, or, like, I guess, like, it always is, because there's a certain truth in, like, you know, like, the, the, the, the majority of reality. Is it private, or is it some sort of public project? Yeah, exactly. There used to be one, but it's gone now. There's no more public, uh, consensus reality for people to, uh, feel like they can put their children's mind into and, and, and feel like they're going to get anything back in return. The, the faith in the systems has collapsed. I mean, I can see, like, uh, like another, another, like, as we, you know, at, you know, fully enter the second dark age and, like,

you know, like the decline of education and literacy being, like, a huge feature of this, is, like, you know, as we've seen now with COVID, with, like, remote learning, like, I think it'll just be, like, like, you know, like, it'll be, like, a sort of pay, pay per session where, like, you're in a Zoom call with, like, 6,000 kids, and then, like, there's just, like, you know, a 10,000. Yeah. Well, that's the thing is, that'll be, it's all going to be striated, right? So, like, you're going to have, for the kids who fall out of, uh, out of control, basically, you're going to get the containment units. And then, for people who are just, like, working class, sending their kids, like, the kids who actually are going to go to school, they're going to go to these, like,

big public schools, the first row of it will be, uh, the non-existent, non-real, teach-from-home concept, right? Like, the thing that we know doesn't work and that does not actually educate kids. That is what, uh, is going to be the standard. And then, of course, those kids are going to have to go out into the world and they're going to fucking fall on their asses, but it won't matter because they technically will have been offered an education. But then, like, in places where there's still real estate value in urban areas, they're going to be able to sustain, like, networks of high quality, private education. Uh, but, but if you have any real money, you're just going to hire somebody to live in your house and teach your kid. And then that is going to stand in,

like, that is going to be, like, who you get to do that is going to replace, like, what school they would have gotten into, in getting them into, you know, the even more refined little academies that, uh, are going to exist to, like, you know, certify them as part of the new elite. But don't you think at the highest tier, though, like, it'll be, like, the traditional private school experience? Like, do you think, like, the children of the ultra elite or their parents will want their kid A, in the house 24-7, and B, not getting a social education? Like, not interacting with- No, at the very top, it goes back to being, like, the ideal, like, the ideal education that they, that the mid-century dream was every kid was going to get, right? Like,

that chance to live that, like, unalienated life of the mind, that, uh, was the promise of, like, mid-century prosperity. And now it's going to, once again, be, uh, only the province of the ultra elite with no, uh, hope of anybody else getting in there. Uh, here's a broader question. And, you know, I asked this, you know, uh, full disclosure with, uh, full, full hypocrisy, uh, you know, defenses on, as a lifelong child of private education, should there be private schools in America? Should private education be a thing? No, of course not. But again, like, we don't, would you want this state to take over education right now? What, New York state? The capacity doesn't exist, you know? But, like, you'd hope to build it in the process of, like,

defending public education. Like, a public education has to actually, absolutely be defended, with the end goal being, have a state capable of extinguishing private education as a concept. Well, I have a great idea. I have a great idea for where the New York state education system can free up around, uh, little, uh, quite significantly over a quarter of billion dollars a year. I know one place they can start, freeing up those funds entirely. All right. Uh, well, let's move on to, uh, I have a reading series for today to round out today's episode. And of course, we're talking, we're talking the Queen, you know? We were blind sighted on Thursday. We didn't really get a full chance to dive into the Queen. But, you know,

like, the reading series is a good one. But, you know, it's, it's, it's run its course, you know? Like, I've seen, I've seen enough threads about the history of imperialism. Like, it was fun the first day. But, you know, look, and here's another thing. I don't really hate the British, you know what I mean? Like, it's just, it's a little bit of light ribbing among cousins here. Like, I'm fond of British people and British culture. Like, they're really no, they're, you know, as we said before, like slightly more fucked up and evil than America is, but like, we're their kids. So they're the earlier generation. They're just like 1.0. Like, we're just the upgrade. Yeah. Yeah. I, I, I, um, there, there is nothing more embarrassing to me than when Americans just

thoughtlessly repeat like anti-anglo behavior. There are so many people who are completely within their rights. But when an American is like, Oh, I hate the fucking, I hate the fucking British. Why do you hate them? They eat disgusting slot food and they had the most evil empire in the world. Huh? What's the problem? It's just, it's projection. It's when they all decide that they're IRA members. It's just like, Oh, fuck you, man. Oh my God. I love the people who like after the green cars and tanks and guns. Oh, sorry. I love the people who after the queen died of old age was posting IRA guys. They didn't do this. It wasn't Felix. What the fuck? You describe Queen Elizabeth as the Walmart greeter of imperialism. And look,

yeah, I don't think, I don't think I, that's what they say. Like none of the defenses of all these people who are like, um, I'll have you know, uh, Queen Elizabeth actually provided, presided over the great dismantling of the British empire. It's just like, Oh yeah. Like, uh, that was her decision. And like, you know, like none of these former colonies were just given independence. Like I don't think fucking gratitude of the British fucking state. And also, it doesn't count if you just remove the colonial context, you have to actually make up for it. You have to repair the breach. You have to give back the money. Yeah. Yeah. And that's the thing is like, you know, like, look,

yes, it is always, it's, I understand it's fun to wind up British people because when you see some, you know, are you having a piss mate? Are you having a bloody laugh at the queen's expense? Knickers. Getting their knickers in a twist because someone's making fun of the damn queen. It's like, look, how could you, how could you resist doing that? Especially when, to imagine people actually crying over this shit. Come on. That's what Twitter is for. If you want to be nice, go elsewhere. That being said, though, like the defenses of the queen from people who were like, Oh, I wasn't aware of Queen Elizabeth personally did all of the, you know, war crimes of the British empire. It's just like, well, no, but she is, as you are fond

of repeatedly bringing up a symbol of everything Britain and the once great British empire represents. And most importantly, is still sitting on the billions in wealth and property, rung from the blood of the fucking world. So like, until she's ready to give that back, then I'm sorry, then yeah, she still gets to foot the bill for all the evil shit that Great Britain did. Even if she was alive, wasn't alive, or technically didn't do it herself. She is still the inheritor of like the wealth of an entire fucking system that you can't, you can't say that she's the symbolic power of a constitutional monarchy is like anchoring, you know, Britain and the people to like its past and tradition,

and then like get to reclaim that same symbolic power when you have to foot the bill for all the evil shit that it represents, like the slave trade or the British. Like I said, you got to give it back or it doesn't count. Right. That's why, that's why, as you said, like it rings, I mean, look, everyone likes to be having fun doing it, but it rings a little hollow when she dies at 96, never having surrendered even an ounce of her fucking authority, or had any of her wealth and privilege stripped from her at all. People got so upset for me for saying that. I mean, making jokes is one thing. Like, it's like, there are some funny jokes, but just like acting like it's a victory is just insane.

That's ludicrous. I'm sorry, it just is, it is. Don't let me stop you from having your fun, but like, come on. The victory is in making terrible people get angry and feel bad. But that's for sure. But it has like a 24 hour, you know, like the wick on that stick of dynamite only lasts that long, you know, and then it just fizzles out. I just, but it's like, I don't know. Again, it's like, yeah, okay, they have the it's ridiculous that they have the queen and now the king and that they love it so much. It's hilarious. It's, I mean, it's always, there's always something silly about it when it just like, you know, like England or fucking Japan or any of these places where the monarch doesn't really do anything. They're like,

just a purely ceremonial role, more or less. But I don't know, like they have the queen, we have like Jaco Wilnick. You know what I mean? Yeah, we have a democratized monarchy of all of our favorite stars, all of our, all of our butch heroes. Yeah. I think we talked about this before, but like, I mean, there's something to be said that like, we should have a monarchy of a king or queen that is like, but it's not eternal. It changes like every 48 years, where we just essentially elect the number one and two biggest male and female celebrity to be king and queen of America. And we have a vote and it's a big deal and we can put a lot of passion into it. Meanwhile, our actual elective positions are chosen by Sortion in which people are chosen

at random to fill seats over a given amount of time. Yeah. And that governing is actually carried out by permanent bureaucracies, which are overseen by a rotating cast of essentially jury duty citizens. But then there are still elections for our lovely beloved, awesome, beautiful king and queen that we put a lot of care and passion into. But this is very important figureheads. This is very important for the American king and queen is after they are elected, in order for them to be consecrated as the new king and queen of America, they need to have sex with full penetration on television and every one of us watching. Absolutely. Absolutely. On the, on the, on the day of marriage. Yeah. We all were, we just,

it's, you know, filmed by Steven Spielberg. Yeah. And it's like the wedding night, like the bonds of America, a new generation are consecrated by this act of like, you know, we can throw it some oral there, but it's got to be PNV. It's got to be. This is the, this is basically the plot of the Terry Southern book, Blue Movie, if anyone's ever read that. We're a guy, we're a guy, we're like a Spielberg style star director makes a huge budget porno with the biggest stars of Hollywood. God, I was literally going to mess that joke. What would we be voting for is what movie we get to watch. Yes. Who do we get to see fuck? That's what we're voting for. We want to see Suck and Funk. Yes. I have a, I'll say that. I have a question about the randomly selected

citizens permanent bureaucracy. Yeah. Do I, is it like, uh, do I get a per diem if I'm speaker of the house? Yeah. For like a month? Of course. Okay. Oh yeah. There's a per diem. If you're paid for it, just like your arm for jury duty, more than you get for jury duty though, like it would be a decent job because it would be a career commitment to it. It would be a, a middle class job. Uh, but it would also be your job for that period. National service. I will say though, I mean, just back to the, um, the defenders of the monarchy and the, uh, the weepy editorials that we're going to be subjected to for the next week and a half or so, like two couple of weeks, the shit that I just cannot fathom reading was, and I saw this in a couple different

articles, but it was variations on this line. She never complained. Never called out sick. She showed up every day for work and just, you know, just, she just wasn't showy. She was humble. She was just like, I'm sorry. Right. She never called out sick to what? She showed up every day. She lived in a fucking palace. Yeah. You listen here, mate. In her job of existing, every day she got up and existed. Okay. Not anymore. Well, she did it before then. Every day, but she was alive. She was alive. Doing it there is Queen of England for all of us, mate. That is the most British thing. That is what they love more than anything. The stiff up a bloody lip. Well, no, not that, but like specifically when

your life is really like not fun and shitty, but you show no sign, you show no outward signs that you're not enjoying it. And more importantly, you're still wealthy beyond comprehension and ideally making other people's lives bad. That's their favorite thing. That's their entire value system is that you ritualize away the appearance of enjoying the shit that you actually enjoy. But like, I'm sorry, but like, I understand there's a lot of royal duties and probably there's a lot of bullshit that you have to put up with, like which gloves you have to wear on what day and, you know, like what outfit you have to, what attire you're sort of shuffled in and out of. But come on, like she was having fun. She was having a laugh. You get to watch ponies

have fuck each other all day. You get to fucking play with your brawns. Gorgies do. Yeah, you get a lot of it. A lot of supervising animals. Yeah, you watch animals fuck, and then you arrange for your kids to be sold off as breeding stocks. And this is what we need to do. We need to democratize that. Instead of her getting to watch all these animals fuck, we get to watch the king and queen fuck. Oh my god. That's the replacement for the monarchy. Felix, you alluded to it on our last episode when the queen died, but did you see Stephen Miller's new tweet about the monarchy? Oh my god. He is like, holy fuck. What is happening to him? What is happening to like four years ago, four years ago,

he was like, he was running their Sturmer shit. And now it's like, oh my, he's like a fucking little princess in a castle. What the fuck happened? Let's go to this. Did they give him some like experimental drug to quit smoking? And it just made him insane. It made him to, it made him into like some fucking little Briton or some like big ol, some big ol gal from Surrey who loves talking about the majesty of the palace. You know, Felix, you know, some people think like the COVID vaccines makes people turn trans. I think like this is this, that equivalent for Stephen Miller. Listen to this though. He says, key to monarchy is its mystery. Key to its mystery is that monarchs descend from an ancient line of fabled kings and queens. Though it may not be

apparent now, a long term concern for UK monarchy will be, if due to marriages, future monarchs have same family trees as their subjects. Okay, like fucking house of Hanover, they like, they, they fucking had the most grain 300 years ago. What the fuck, what mystical line did they come from? These are, these are fucking square headed crouts. Oh, you fucking idiot. Crout bow hunks. There has not been like an Anglo on the throne, honestly, since fucking William the Conqueror. He's complaining. You got bombed by the frog so long ago. He is complaining that like, that this house of fucking crouts, they're diluting their bloodline with a USA network star. That's above the house of Hanover. The house of Saxgotha, Gotha. Yeah, I feel like, holy fuck.

I'm sorry, like, maybe you can back me up on this, but like, this tweet about the fabled noble lineages of monarchies, and then his other one about how like, the power comes from its mystery, isn't there something fundamentally wrong about a Jewish guy writing, tweeting about saying she'd like this about any monarchy, or just like, it's just, it's just, there's something off about it just doesn't makes, it doesn't add up. Does he, does he not realize that like the number one, like if you're playing, if you're one of the, the Crusader Kings, you know, if you're doing IRL Crusader Kings in the Middle Ages, and your, your subjects are getting arrestive, you know, the crops are failing and there's, they still owe taxes. Your number one move there is

to just blame the Jews, to just send them into the fucking ghettos to crack their skulls open. The only guy, the fucking one guy who stood against that in the age of Kings was Napoleon, the bane of the Royals. What a fucking- Cromwell too. Cromwell, yeah. Two ones. It's always the guys who break with the Royal lineages who were able to be like, are you insane? Because Cromwell is the guy who brought, who invited the Jews back to England after they'd been fucking kicked out by Edward Longshank. Yeah, like, he's, I guess his fantasy is to be like a court Jew, you know, like what, what the- Yes. Oh my God. Yeah, like, like Kalina's Elizabeth's doctor, who by the way was blamed for her death. Yeah, no, they, he, even in his dream

he gets like skinned alive. I'm just like, I'm just like outside of like, I mean like the history of like, you know, European nobility and the Jewish people's of Europe. I just mean like, just like, as what is like, you know, the, you know, as we were talking about earlier, the best of Jewish traditions, Jewish culture, like aren't Jewish people just, shouldn't they have a little bit more pride in being able to see through this horseshit and like not fucking tear up when you think about noble bloodlines and shit like that. Yeah. Okay. Look, there's a lot of, in a lot of ways, a lot of Jewish people, like there are some aspects of gentleness that, you know, are desirable, right? Like in the, in the most, having your foreskin, having your foreskin, being able to digest

milk. I got that one at least. Thank God. They didn't take that one from me. Yeah. Yeah. Just being able to process most foods and drink really. And then in the more, in the more, in the more complex way, you see this in the film by a canceled filmmaker, Woody Allen, Hannah, and her sisters, just like the ability to not be neurotic, the scene where he becomes Catholic. I'm sorry, still a hilarious scene, even though he's an awful guy. But this is something beyond that. He doesn't want to be like not Jewish because he's, you know, he wants to be able to have a, have a conversation next to a guy at the urinal at the OSU Michigan game. He wants it to, I don't, I don't know, carry a fucking message from the princess to the Duke and live some

wretched palace romance. It's really, it's really like deeply upsetting. He believes in it more than I think any royal. Oh yeah. No, those are the people who prop up royalty always. The royalty can never actually act for its own interests because it's too self-satisfied. The engine is those, those lower orders grinding upward by the, usually propelled by their own insanity. And in his case, they're like psychosexual domination by this force that he wants to control him. You know what I got to say? You know who you're talking about, how like the, their ideal thing is someone who's miserable but shows no sign. They should just, they should skip everything, make Kate Middleton the queen now because she is just, she is the best at that. She is having

the worst time of her life. She doesn't seem to be enjoying it much. It's like, she is like, whatever Meghan Markle went through that made her go fuck this, like Kate Middleton got her version of it, you know, not along the same axis, but the similar like horror. And, but she just buckled that shit down because she's more of an inbred freak. Like it's, it's a mark of how much of a mutant she is that she didn't rebel. Meghan Markle was being normal. Yeah, Meghan Markle had the correct, I think that whole, I'm sick of hearing about her. I don't want to hear about mental health. I don't care. But she had the right reaction, but Kate Middleton is like doomsday. She's like the alien that killed Superman. She's like the more misery you throw at her,

like the more that her hideous husband cheats on her. The more like all of the fact that she married him, like she married him and it was like a, she married the Dorian Gray painting. And it just got him. She got the painting instead of the guy. Dude, it's fucked up. Getting those mousetra sides. Yeah. Well, William used to be handsome. Fucking Nosferatu.

Dude, I, I, I, I, I, I thought it was so bad for William because like he did used to be handsome. He had a minute, you know, for a minute, for a minute, but like the second he turned 30, he went off like a pair. But he was just all his hair, his hair went, my God, like, dude, fucking baldness went, his hairline went down like the faster than the men's geno line. It just shook and just obliterated. And then, and then his teeth started to like get more, it seemed like his gums receded or something. Like his teeth got bigger.

He is hideous now. He is, he is hideous. He's creature. They should put an iron mask on him and put him in the keep of the tower of London. He got the opposite of braces and then his face, it was like a, a fucking chocolate Easter rabbit left on a radiator. But she, she's, she is like, she, she's like the more misery you put, you put her through, like her disgusting husband, uh, cheating on her, uh, the awful duties. Like her favorite thing to do is there'll be 50 tabloid stories about him, like fucking,

uh, like his maid's niece or something. And then it's like the very next day, they have to go to a preschool class and like answer questions about what it's like to be like in love. Like the most horrifying, humiliating thing you can think of and just fucking gritting her teeth, smiling through it. Uh, the, the, the thing where it's like, she gets prey, she got pregnant like instantly. It was almost like a fucking Irish wedding. She had like 12 kids with a week. Just started shooting them out. And there were all those stories about how miserably bad her pregnancies were. Like, like there were all these leaked stories about how like she was

basically had no morning sickness for the entire nine months. Yeah. Just the worst thing, probably no epidural, probably nothing. They probably like tried to give her poppy tea just to keep in line with tradition. But like, she is even, the thing that the British tabloids play, praised her for, and it's like, this is all you need to know about the country. They praised her for not gaining any weight after the break. She's just right. She is so stupid and tight, man. That's literally it. It's like they're, she is living the worst life you can live for somebody with hundreds of millions of dollars. Yep. And that makes her this Christ like figure. And that is why she is appealing

because she bodies that value. But like, honestly, this could all be a promo thing. Like maybe she's having a great time. Maybe this is all cavefabe. Maybe they leak those stories about how bad her pregnancy is. Who knows? There's no way to see beyond the mask. But her performance of self that we get is of misery, of, of, of endured misery for the greater good, which we should go live. Maybe I'm as dumb as Steven Miller. Listen to me. Yeah, there you go. Well, okay. If we're talking about performances of misery, the self performance of misery and suffering, you guys are of course going to love you. You will never guess where this royal remembrance comes from. That's right. It's courtesy of Chicago's own John Cass. No. Yes. Yes. John

Cass has a column called My Mom and the Queen that I think you guys are really going to enjoy. We're going to go long today, but it's worth it for this is another cast banger. This is, you know, I didn't, I didn't want to read any of like the tortograph or fucking Andrew Sullivan or any actual British person talking about the Queen. We need to hear from the angriest Greek, Greek man in Chicago about what he, his feelings on the reign of Queen Elizabeth II. You boys ready for this? Yeah. John Cass, date line September 11th, 2022. When Queen Elizabeth II died the other day, there were two things I had to do. The first was to call my 92 year old mom and see how she was taking it. Oh, no, his mom's alive. Like many women of her World War II generation, my mom revered the 96 year old

Queen. She revered Queen Elizabeth for her dignity, her service to her people, for keeping that stiff upper lip, whether she felt like it or not, for putting duty in country first, and the Queen's Stoic Reserve at a time when Western culture has become increasingly consumed with cheap theatrical displays of emotion and public sentimentality. I'm not a fan of Kings or Royals. If you grew up in Chicago... I'm not a fan of Kings or Royals, okay? His mom is. Johnny just now saying, I'm not a fan of Kings or Royals. If you grew up in Chicago, you grew up in a city where many were eager to bend the knee and kiss the hand. Rather than support the divine rights of Kings and a monarchy, I'd much rather we support a meritocracy of equal opportunity where the best and the hardest

working rose to the top. Is that what happened with you? Is that the story of your life, John? You're never going to guess where he goes with this. I'd much rather we support a meritocracy of equal opportunity where the best and the hardest working rose to the top, just like the NFL or the English Premier League. God. You know what? I kind of agree with him. Tom Brady is Tom Brady because he's one of the most sewerable. Look, Peyton and Eli Mending, sure, they're from football royalty, but they proved it on the gridiron. Yeah. I like the aside he has about how people in Chicago bend the knee and kiss the hand. I don't know what he's alluding to. Do you think there was something in there about... Do you think it was like... That feels incomplete. It feels like

they're supposed to be kissing someone's hand, and he was going to say like race hustlers with some fucking obscene term like that. Well, here's where he goes with it. He goes, the competition and striving made America great, but we don't have that anymore in America. Instead, we have politics that offer equity, a racist practice where winners and losers are selected, not on merit, but by immutable characteristics like skin pigments. But my mom just loves Queen Elizabeth. I know. He didn't even get to the second thing he has to do yet, so keep that in mind. Also, he loves talking about Chicago this, Chicago that, but the idea, especially for an ethnic white person to say that there was just pure, colorless meritocracy in Chicago,

whatever Polish uncle you had, that determined what job you got with the city. It was familial. Chicago, in the time of Cass' life and his fucking horrifyingly alive mother, was essentially, it was like having a monarchy system, but for who gets to be the garbage man. If you were the right, if you were white, if you were white. Yes, exactly. The whole Harold Washington movement was basically trying to break up that at the control and actually deaffirmative actionized the system. Yeah, he should have gone as far as Gromwell. Indeed. But my mom just loved Queen Elizabeth. I know, I know, mom said over the phone, her voice soft, I'm watching on the TV, the Queen is dead, long live the King. She paused for a moment, sighed deeply and said,

Zwa se ma, life to us, long live King Charles. As a young woman, my mom left her native Canada and the civilized small town of Guelph, Ontario to marry my father and make her new life in Chicago in the tough back of the yards neighborhood. It was a neighborhood of many strong churches and busy taverns and drunks and fights, all of it smelling like a slaughterhouse, because the old Union Stockyards was America's slaughterhouse. Sounds like a wonderful place to make your day. I mean, imagine, I mean, I don't know, I guess Ontario is pretty boring, but imagine leaving that for the neighborhood that smelled like a slaughterhouse. He loves Chicago. It's all the Chicago color. You know, we don't have that in America anymore. We don't have neighborhoods

that are full of taverns and churches and smell like a cow that just shat and bled itself to death in front of you. He doesn't. He I don't feel like he gets out much. It's like they're still, you know, doesn't he just hang around? Like he goes to the hardware store or something. I think that's it. Yeah, he does like a conversational version of cruising, I guess. But he goes to the Home Depot and looks for a guy with which color apron corresponds to what kind of conversation you want to have. Sports, the weather or power tools. Yeah, I guess rough trade is like ethnic jokes. Okay, keep in mind, keep in mind, though, that this column essentially started about like his mom liking the Queen of England. Now, like, and now just brace yourself for this tree of

lifestyle fucking memory that John Cass has sharing from his mind. He goes, as a newlywed, she once looked out their apartment window to the corner tavern, where she saw a man get completely knocked out of his shoes with one punch. They must have been slip-ons, you know, loafers, she said once. It had been raining and the shoes just stayed there as he flew backwards. I said to myself, welcome to Chicago. And life is just a bowl of cherries. Did I tell your father about the man who was punched out of his shoes? Of course not. What? What's the point of that story? Oh my god. She saw the first knockout game. And she settled into the unfamiliar world of her new life in Chicago. Elizabeth became Queen and my

mom's touchstone. She didn't talk about the Queen with her friends. She didn't act like some royal groupie. But I was her son. I knew. And there was that National Geographic of the coronation on the coffee table she kept for years. Some Americans take inspiration from sports stars and show biz types. But there was once, but there once was in America where performers weren't considered leaders or role models any more than actors or tap dancers. What century is raining? I remember in America where people didn't look to tap dancers for moral instructions. Yeah. It used to be about how hard you work, not how well you dance to Charleston. What the fuck are you talking about? He's out of his fucking mind with their minstrel shows. I have a

feeling you wouldn't complain about that. They're penny dreadful magazines. He's like, he must have been getting into the sausage again because this is like old cast. I love the thing about like, wait, why wouldn't she tell the dad about the shoes? Why would she tell her friends that the neighborhood might be rough? I don't know. Knockout came out there. I looked like that he said she wasn't some royal groupie. She just kept the commemorative National Geographic magazine in our living room for 40 years. Does he know the word groupie means? Yeah. She was getting slutted out by Lord Monbotten. Actually, John may have been getting slutted out by Lord Monbotten if we know his prolaclivities. Yeah, it's like he's like, my mom is a great old gal who left Ontario

and not once did she ever get a passport fly to England and, you know, to fuck a 15 year old Prince Charles. I just, I don't know what any of this means for any of us. Keeps going. We have not even gotten to the most insane part of this article yet. Oh boy. As a girl, my mother had listened to the bombing of London on the radio. As her father, my grandfather fought in Europe for Canada in his Second World War and in his Second World War, having also fought in World War One. And the House of Windsor and Winston Churchill led Great Britain through the darkness, not by cheap and sensational emotional speeches, not by cheap theatrics, but by example. Elizabeth Stoicism meant everything to my mother. She and millions across the world took inspiration from

the English Monarch. And because my mom felt this way, there was the second thing I had to do. Okay, I'm going to give you guys a chance. I'm going to give you guys a chance to see if you can guess what the second thing John Cass had to do after talking to his 92 year old mother on the phone is when he heard the news that Queen Elizabeth had died. Okay, Matt, you go first. Go to the hardware store. Okay, Felix. Okay, I'm going to say go to her house and like sand off a bunion. No. Okay, you ready for this? Okay. And because my mom felt this way, there was that second thing I had to do. Re-watch and reconsider a superb 2006 film, The Queen, starring Helen Mirren as Queen Elizabeth II. He had to do that. You had to. You had to do a mad dog. You had to do it.

In a million fucking years, imagine that like, okay, like he was like, yeah, my mom is a huge fan of Queen Elizabeth II. I had to talk to her. Me personally, I'm a huge fan of Stephen Frears' 2006 film, The Queen, starring Helen Mirren. That is amazing. The Queen is the exact type of movie where it is only remembered because it got some big star, their Oscar, finally. Yep. It has no cultural resonance whatsoever. No resonance whatsoever. He was first to have thought of that movie in a decade. Listen to this. Listen to this. Especially now. Speech next. Especially now, with the Queen to be lying in state and celebrity news commentators and their political agendas working over time. What the fuck is he talking about? He's getting pretty

actively mad at celebrity news commentators and they're injecting their political agenda into the royal funeral. They're getting their politics into my royal space. A tragedy. He can't watch anything but Newsmax and he's just like, he's like imagining Wolf, like he even like his most hated news channel like MSNBC wouldn't be like, oh, this colonial bitch is dead. Like what the fuck is he talking about? He's not even dead. He's not even done yet. He says, with the Queen lying in state and celebrity news commentators and their political agendas working over time, along with revisionist worm tongues who would make history unrecognizable. So if you haven't seen it, allow me to recommend it. It's worth your time. You might think me foolish to focus on a movie. I'd never, John. I

love movies, especially when there is so much news and live commentary about the royals now. But will the media peel its own skin? What? But will the media peel its own skin? Gross. The film deals with the modern political celebrity media culture that demanded Queen Elizabeth Humble herself wear her emotions on her sleeve for all to see to the delight of the emotionally unhinged mob that really didn't know Diana, but hysterically wept for her. Dude, your mom doesn't know the fucking Queen and she's crying over this old bat. What are you talking about? What are you talking about? Oh my God, I love that he is an American who hates Diana. Yes, you could tell he like she was a trollop. She embarrassed the family. She could have gotten out of the palace at

Muhammad's age. He gave age to the Queen by touching all those people. He is cavorting with a Saracen. He is the one we found him, the one American who just not even anglow, not a drop of angled blood. And he's like, that bitch, Diana Spencer. Okay, the article's not over yet. It gets so much more insane. Listen to this. Oh my God. Helen Mirren won an Oscar for her performance. She's brilliant in this, a study in control just like her subject. And it mirrors exactly what my mother and many others loved about Queen Elizabeth II. The film focuses on the difficult period following the death of former Princess Diana Spencer 25 years ago. The Queen refused to participate in the national drama

about Diana. She wanted no part of it. The media didn't like her silence and her approval ratings dropped. Elton John so wanted to perform at the funeral and all but demanded it. He recast his song about Marilyn Monroe, the Hollywood sex goddess who committed suicide after being passed around like some broken toy by the Kennedy brothers. His song about- A broken toy? I'm sorry. Why would you pass around a broken toy? He's such a bit like just in fundamental ways is such a terrible writer. His command of like analogies and similes is just, it's like if you were showing a remedial student what not to do. But like it's just like he has the brain of an old woman though. It's like his mother's brain has been like some sort of like freaky Friday

has put essentially his mother's sensibility about oh you know Diana thought she was too big for the crime. She was a pop star into the body of a man who's been eating sausage and watching the bears for the last 60 years. Okay this is probably why he has trouble getting out and making friends. It's like he's- there are probably like plenty of big old pollocks who would love to talk to him about like ah the bears fucking suck blah blah blah. Oh you know remember I wish we could bring Ozzie back and he's just over there and he's like can you believe that people are talking about Diana today? Like what? Yeah like he'd be at the local tavern. He'd be at the local tavern trying to talk about the bears and be like oh what do you think of their defensive line this year?

And then John Cass would be like I used to love the bears until they made the game all about celebrity when they did that awful Super Bowl shuffle song. The mock sensibilities of the unhinged mob hooting and hollering for the Frigerator Perry doing the shuffle. No thank you. This is about meritocracy and honor. He probably- there's probably a lost John- Hey those little asses off Jim McMahon. Take them off. You're inside. It's probably like a lost John-Cass column from the day that Walter Payton died where it's like well looks like you finally got your comeuppance for your violent rap all those years ago. John we can't run this. Okay listen to this. Listen to this. Okay his song about Norma Jean

was refit to cast Diana as the English Rose. Was it dignified to refit a song from Monroe as the funeral anthem for Diana? Would you want it done for your sister or mother or wife at their funeral? I mean yeah I would. I mean like if Elton John wants to do a personal tribute to my daughter or sister, wife or mother then yeah I'd be fine with that. I would- But Marilyn know you did an Elton John. These are some of the great talents of our time. No you don't get it. You don't get it. Marilyn Monroe had sex. She wasn't a virgin when she got married. Well yeah here it goes. If you ask that I suppose then I have no further questions for you but I wouldn't want a song at a family funeral associated with a broken sex goddess

plaything of American political royalty but maybe that's just me. He's so fucked up. He is such a the most bitter fucked up. He should choke. Oh my he's like he was like barely alive when she was and he's like furious about her having sex. He's just disgusted with her and he's trying like he's so like he's trying to conceal it with like oh she was like used by men but like really at the heart of that is like that disgusting bitch. She was already used up by the time she got to Arthur Miller. It's the Madonna whore thing like we have Queen Elizabeth and then I guess Diana and then you have Marilyn Monroe just like now we have Kate Middleton and Meghan Markle. We've got a Madonna whore all over again and we should be able to vote on which one we see naked.

Yeah but listen he goes further. If you talk about the Madonna whore thing listen to this he goes it could just be me and my cultural deficiencies and weaknesses but then we don't sing songs at our funerals except perhaps Lamentations. At Diana's funeral extravaganza Marilyn Monroe melded with the Ingress Rose as if they were spiritual sisters and the thing about that is like actually the comparison between Marilyn Monroe and Princess Diana is kind of apt because like I mean both in like the celebrity that they were you know elevated to the things that people read into them sexuality but also the way they were kind of like used and driven to their deaths by the people around them either you know murder in one case suicide overdose in the other. Both

both leave a lot of questions I would say. Yeah well you know alleged murder I mean like your mileage may vary but it says you're okay. The prime minister at the time was Tony Blair. The prime minister at the time was Tony Blair a slickster who had much in common with the former president Bill Clinton. It was Clinton who could emote on a dime Americans wanted that sort of thing then and then the world came to want it too. Everything became about your feelings. I love that I love that he's like a fuck your feelings guy because he's the most modeling cocksucker on the planet. There's nobody whose feelings are elevated to like a more fucking hysterical high pitch than this fucking sausage snarfing fucking plot.

He just he just had a tantrum over a song dedicated to Marilyn Monroe being used at Diana's funeral like he like just the things he takes offense at are things I would never guess like just this very suggestion of sexuality like and that song that song isn't like oh Marilyn you were fucked by all the big guys you know it's like it's a sad song. It's just the being within a hundred square miles of like vaginal penetration just it destroys him. When Blair, Chris and Diana postmortem as the people's princess public sentiment in the UK turned against the queen who had refused to dance and emote. He's doing the floss dance. I was um I was too disgusted by his uh yeah his everything that I I

missed that he said Bill Clinton could emote on a dime. Another chop of emote. Brilliant. He dropped emote right on a dime. Boom. What would that mean John? The phrase is just burn on a dime. He would go to he would do a press conference and then he would just have them like a like an improv show. He'd just yell out emotions and then he would just do them right then and there. But it's like then you would say if you're like he's already using a cliche but then you would say like at the drop of a hat you know but he says that like you turn on it. It's hard to turn on a dime because of the radius you fucking Atlantic idiot. He doesn't write good. It's he is a product of that mid-century

affirmative action. It's just like hey are you uh are you an ethnic white guy who is like in some vague way related to World War II? Well here you go. Did he go to Yashiva? Here's a job writing. Where your job is going to be. Where your job is going to be to complain every day about how everybody around you is complaining all the time. Yep. Yes. Yeah. I'm going to breeze through the end here. It says um it was that refusal to give into emotion that kept England strong through the bombing and kept their spirit up. Would satisfying our inner snowflakes lead a nation and keep it strong? And when she finally capitulates to save the monarchy the Tony Blair character congratulates her for demonstrating proper humility. You're confusing humility with

humiliations he says. Boom. There will be hours and hours and hours and yeah boom that's just one line one word. He wrote boom. He wrote boom. Oh my goodness. He wrote boom. That's hilarious. There will be hours and hours and hours of news coverage about the Queen's funeral. There will be much gossip and intrigue. The worm tongues will be in all their glory. Before she died she approved of each step of the funeral rites from the processions to the songs that will be played and who stands where. It's all political theater approved by an extremely strong woman who didn't want to shed public tears. But who knew the power of ceremonial and ritual. Who knew the power of ceremonial and ritual. Wouldn't it be the power of ceremony and ritual? Forget fucking. The choreographer

is poet at a nation's heartstrings. Last line of this article. Do yourself a favor and watch the Queen. It's incredible. Incredible. Like just I'm so glad he doesn't have an editor anymore. That was a virtuoso performance by an opinion columnist. Oh man. He really is the best you know. It's unbelievable. How do you end that on watch the Queen. Like what's this fucking. That was like one of those Larry King tweets. Yeah. Do yourself a favor and watch the Queen. He at no point does he like explain why the movie is good. Yeah he doesn't even say he just says like yeah he's she's in it and she has to do stuff. He doesn't say anything about what makes it a good film. Do you think that there was like they tried to do like a movie night at

John Cass's house with like his loose acquaintances from the bar and they're like oh let's put on the Expendables. Let's put a and he just he's just putting on bullshit like this. Like weeping at the majesty of the Queen and everybody just sort of awkwardly slips away one at a time. Yeah. Then I should advise him while he's just wrapped watching the show. Yeah he's drinking like an Uso cocktail and he's like did you know she she showed students how to use a diaphragm for conilingus. He's just still complaining about Diana. Oh man what it what it what is the best. He's the best. He's the fucking best. I'm so I'm so glad you like got into him Will. I like I said I gotta be a cast man. Just just the anecdote about her. Just like out

of nowhere the story about how her his mom told him but not his dad that she saw a guy get punched out of his shoes like a fucking Looney Tunes character. I really wish that he had like made it to the big leagues in his career like I would have loved I would have he was like a CNN contributor and you got to see him on the news like talking and shit. My mom my mom when she was a kid she saw a piano fall from a third floor balcony onto a guy's head and then he popped his head out of the top and his teeth were the piano keys and she never told my father. He's too like he's too like artistic to ever be like a CNN talking head. He'll never sell it. He'll never sell out. They probably they probably did like a screen test where he's on Fox News or something

and he just he just starts like crying right like they're trying they're talking about like him generally make at least some sort of a stab at a TV career because it's money. It's very hard to say no to. I mean how many how many millions of fucking like sports writers got TV careers out of like around the Horn and shit. Yeah. Bernard Goldberg got on TV. Maybe he's just too off-putting. Bernard Goldberg. He's an industry plant. He's an industry plant. John Casky. He's in the streets. He's for real. Yeah. I do. We went to Bernard Goldberg's hood. No one knew him. He's straight from the industry. Fucking John Casky probably probably did a screen test around like Lev Parnas at era and he went on and he's like my mother is 90 years old and she has never even heard of finger

banging. They're like what the fuck. You're supposed to be defending Trump on the Ukraine perfect call. He was like I know damn it. Let me cook. He just he just starts crying about how like the flower shop near his house is a black assistant now. Just like this is too weird. Like this and what the fuck is this. You know he's going off on a tangent about how Florence Nightingale like got her pussy ate and that's why she's not worthy of being celebrated. Yeah. Yeah. He's like he's like Jack off one time. Fuck this. Yeah. I could I could picture it. It's just like yeah it is. It's it'd be like the first impeachment and they're like can you like they listened to him on his phone call and he's like you know in my day there weren't these beats headphones

worn by urban gentlemen gentlemen. Lori Lightfoot's perfect perfect downtrodden oppressed. We would take a record player and we'd we wouldn't leave 10 paces outside our mother houses and we would dance to Bing Crosby and you know what Eleanor Roosevelt the moment that it was okay she started wearing jeans a first lady wearing blue jeans like a cow hand would and you wonder you wonder why we went through the troubles we did as a nation. Oh please please give this man a TV show please before it's too late because it might be too late very soon. Yeah he's decaying. Oh man we weren't real long today but it was worth it. It was worth it for that. Absolutely. It was absolutely. What a joy. What a fucking joy.

All right we did the plugs up top so I think we should just say bon voyage and our thoughts are with the queen and the whole royal family. That's right. God save the bloody queen in hell. Yes. God long live the king. All right. Bye bye. Bye bye. Shopping group shopping on down doing it for you. We're so bad. We know we're good. Blowing your mind like we knew we would. You know we're just straddling the fun. Just straddling our stuff for everyone. We're not here to start no trouble. We're just here to do the Super Bowl shopping. We are the best shopping. Shopping on down doing it for you.