Chapo Trap House - 666 - Chapo Goes To Hell (9/27/22)

Episode Date: September 28, 2022

Chapo goes to Hell and meets the various denizens there: 𖤐 Satan 𖤐 Hitler 𖤐 LaVey 𖤐 Hitchens Featuring: Henry Zebrowski, Derek & @Dril, James Adomian. Dates & Tickets to all our upcoming shows: https://www.chapotraphouse.com/live And of course, links to our new merch: https://chapotraphouse.shop/

I I Hello everybody, it's Chappell Started it. You know it's Tuesday here. You know coming to come a bit late. It's a bit it's been hot Yeah, it's a little warm guys. Oh, I don't know if you noticed that So today's a bit of a special episode is our six hundred and sixty six episode That's right. So we want to do something a little bit a little bit different for you guys today

You know, obviously the show has become Somewhat by coastal and you know, I'm trying to decide, you know, where am I gonna move where where's the future of the show? You know, where's like where's gonna be our new home base? And I thought today like we had an amazing opportunity that we had to take advantage of and we're recording Our six hundred and sixty six episode from you guessed it hell. That's right folks Pandemonium itself we're here and I got to tell you it is not a dry heat Just warning everybody who wants to do some sins in the afternoon that it is fucking not a dry heat I am sweating my balls off here. Literally. They're gone. It's a little bit uncomfortable here in hell

But you know, hey, look, that's it's all part of the experience. That's actually I'm trying to feel it like that Yeah, it's like it's like the one-ship challenge. We've wanted some great interviews for you. It's it's it's Will and Matt here We're we are we have made we have made the journey Across river sticks. Yeah, Felix isn't here, but that's because he is in Jewish hell Recording his own podcast. We don't know how that's gonna go. Yeah, he he is in Gehenna right now But the thing about think about hell hell, you know, yeah, good old Dante's yeah, Christian ass Euro Hell inferno. Yeah is that it is restricted. Mm-hmm. That's sure there aren't there are no Jews here and you know, like look Why would we why would you want to invest money and like by property in a place like this that's restricted?

There's no Jews allowed look folks. It's hell. Yeah, it's evil. What'd you expect? Yeah, exactly? We do you want it to be sustainable and then? democratized What would that mean about those values think about it folks come on? Um, so like I don't know my first impressions of being in hell perhaps a preview of Where we're all gonna be spending quite some time in the future. I gotta say yeah, it's uncomfortable First impression though my first time visit here to hell, you know as a tourist There's a lot more birds

Swallowing bodies whole than I'd expected that's true. That's the big Honestly though, otherwise this is identical to Houston, Texas It is it is honestly uncanny. It feels basically as hot and the human is there It's about as it's laid out in a similar way at the big main difference is the giant birds picking people up and chewing on them and excreting them. Yeah There's like a big pair of scissors chasing people around Kind of like Hubert or something There's a there's a giant hollow ass that people are getting stuffed in I guess I got to give Bosch that one tip of the cap

He nailed that I need to like Dante Dante, you know He was the original sort of Geographer of hell and I got it, you know one thing that's been a little annoying is walking around the streets here Just on the pavement the gravel the sidewalk. It's just everything. It's just it's not an even surface because every surface is essentially The faces of millions of souls frozen in a rictus of soy face Yeah, so you're just you're stepping on soy face is all the time. It's very it's everywhere. You look. It's like a YouTube thumbnail Yeah, it's like you're you're putting your foot through a gopher hole and then you look down and then there's chuck wind big They're gnawing on your ankle

But yeah, like I said, we've lined up some some great interviews for you Yeah, some of the some of the small sliver of the stars because let me tell you folks all the stars are here Seriously, if you've heard of them, they're here. It's uncanny. Hey, Matt Christmas. It's the Big Mopper I'm not a plane crash. I'm in hell now, baby chandelier ladies But a big big big Mopper thinks he's nothing by Wow, thank you, baby. Who else can we have? I'll be a new son of ours by the devil Oh, I wonder if he's been able to record any new songs here in hell or

Honestly, you got to figure he was kind of relieved when he died. Oh, thank God. I don't have to follow that up at least buddy Holly's here with me So the Big Mopper is just one of the cavalcade of celebs and stars that are in hell But and but the first one we'd like to talk to is somebody who we hope can give us sort of an insider's view of hell church of Satan founder Anton Sander LeVe So listeners when Matt and I decided to visit hell

We knew we had to talk to someone who could show us the real hell Something away from all the all the tourist traps that you find in bedlam and diss and all the all the hipsters Clogging the River Styx these days. We want to see the real hell So listeners we've got a great guest for you the man who can show us the real hell like no other The founder of the church of Satan the author of the Satanic Bible Anton LeVe Anton welcome to the show. It's me y'all good to be here. Thank you so much for having me Um, honestly, it's nice. I have a break because again. Yes, it's just hipsters everywhere They fill the streets and I am sick of I am sick of it because they don't remember the real hell

You want to know what real hell is is we could talk about taxes You want to get into my my strain of libertarianism? We can really get into it It's a pretty good that I mean just like what a life story I mean, they say it's better to reign in hell than serve in heaven. I mean, you're a man who's a Correct. They are absolutely incorrect. Honestly. I management here blows This is a it's really terrible. There is no there. There's no comeuppance Friday. I honestly, it's just me I'm making calls all the time that delegation is on it's killing me because I don't know if you understand How difficult it is to get fellow Satanists to do anything that the manager of this satanist asked them to do because it's all

Individual wills and each one of them is their own star and they none of them want to do what I fucking asked them to You know, I'm sorry. I'm putting my bullshit on you I'm so like, you know Anton, you know back back in back in the earthly realm, you know You started out as an organist at a nightclub in San Francisco and then went on to to found the Church of Satanism Could you could you just talk to us a little bit about what began your journey? To become a high priest of Satan and to found such a dynamic modern religion Do you know? I honestly I do I trace it back to the fact that I became bald at the age of seven And I knew immediately there cannot be a God

That would allow this to happen But so I have immediately set off. I knew first of all, where is the naughtiest people? Where are the naughtiest people around the boards of any form of a keyboard? Right? You go out there and it's always been Have you ever heard a Calliope? It's so evil and fun. Um, and then I uh, I think a lot of it had to do with truly It's nice to go to a place where if you could the goatee is fashionable I'm completely bald people are love watching me even as a little boy learn how to play the piano And that's kind of what drew me. It was first the music and then it was the

um, and like, you know, so the Church of Satan like, you know, your acolytes, you know, like well Well, you know, what's the most important thing to you about like about the Church of Satan Satanism? Like, you know, uh, the beliefs that make up worship of the devil Well, what it is truly it's about individual liberty and this idea that we are all born into a system that we cannot escape Right? This idea of original sin is the the an immediate hypocrisy that we're born into That we are forced to live and then you were kind of and and this is the idea that we walk around and you are truly you do see homeless people of all stretch everywhere all the

Of these street urchins everywhere, but their precious god their precious church will do nothing to take care of them while they live in these giant ivory castles But honestly, it's also a really good way to get psychologically damaged beautiful women to be with ugly men That is what's the major key is that it's a pipeline to short angry Just the worst shaped men that have ever existed and it allows them to speak in a funky new way That I've really I've really helped it really helps because again the menstrual blood is It is essential. That reminds me. Uh, have you run into Jane Mansfield again since you've been down there? She won't talk to me

Um, apparently she is still a little bit upset About because I took because she said like fuck my boyfriend and I thought that she wanted me to do something about it And that's how I knew the perils of being a nice guy and how these women They manipulate nice men because they really think that's what they want But it's not they think I thought you say a you got a problem. I cursed your boyfriend I thought this was going to be I thought that was and then she was going to be then of course my girlfriend Do with thou wills, uh, you know, you could you could you interpret that a lot of ways? But like I'm hearing from you mainly do with thou wills. It's a it's an excellent pickup strategy

You know, this is what women want. They want a man who can do what thou wills and be the the whole of the law Isn't it the most deviant thing in the world to make love to an ugly man? That's what I say like don't you want to throw Terror into the face of your god By having sex with the man with the hairline of Gepetto Yeah, wouldn't you be excited because everyone wants to be with Gepetto and I'm just one of It really does work. You'll be surprised how if you tell them It's crazy for them to do it. They'll just do it

Because again, it's how long could be having like having sex with me literally takes Two and a half minutes. It's two and a half minutes out of a whole life Very easy to do. Um, so like for any of our listeners who are perhaps interested in Satanism or maybe dabbling in it or interested in the religious practice of Devil worship. I mean, where are some of the ways? How should they start? You know, what are the rituals? What are the what are the lessons that they should imbibe on their path to um, You know hell truly if you want to be a Satanist the way it first begins is I You know started as a strict Catholic is a good way to start

And then you start being a person that goes like on to reddit going I hate Wanda vision, right? It's something that everybody else loves If everybody else loves it, you have to make sure that you're at the very center of the discourse that says that you dislike That's also a way teenagers you could start to get into it. But also it is sincerely I think that it's a good way to understand that the villain Has a viewpoint as well like the idea of the I know now it's hokey to talk about the being the devil's advocate But the idea that they that person that entity the other side

Has kept the Christian church and business all of these years for a reason because they do need Petulant assholes reminding them that we're your enemy, right? Like I thought you wouldn't be anywhere without us you need Satan's army And but the thing is about Satan's army is that largely they love death wish coffee Um, and they um and then and then liquid death, which is fun because it's got the evil it's evil water Which really really helps um, and it's just the idea of wearing horns Casually, I think is really a good gift that we give to the world that you can go out

You can wear a horn. No one really will like doubt now I think that we've done that in the last five years satanism has really Brought that sort of back like fairy kin outfits, you know like the uh, the the black mass that you created sort of is a Uh, a dark inverse parody of the sacraments of the the christian church, which of course parody is the correct word It is it's true get parody is the correct Uh, yeah, you know, but the but the christian god, you know, uh, jesus christ, you know worships, uh, you know a weak guy You know like he let themselves just get killed like that nobody nobody nobody helped them come on come on So like and then you know like

If he wanted to not be it's easy to not get crucified, man You just wait you got to move them hands You're gonna kick them feet If you're fucking you get it right in there like you should have strict he should have struggled the whole time I think about truly what a fucking bitch he was the fact that he carried his own crucifix To the stuff you would have to fucking cut my head off Before I am taking my own guillotine to a fucking honestly

That's all I needed to go but you know like you said it in your parody and in this in this ironic parody of christian worship Obviously in you know to take the holy sacrament to a transubstantiation to receive the uh the blood and body of cannibals They call us cannibals. Is this where um, um, uh You know all the all the menstrual blood and jizz comes in with the church of satan My friend you were right on the money. You don't even need to do the reading I can send you a bunch. I can send you a bunch of literature about how important cum is It's everywhere because one thing that's amazing truly. It's your own food If you are alone for

Weeks at a time like let's say you're you're barred inside you're you're kept aside You're in isolation or you're on a desert island something like that. You can make your own food from your own penis For weeks And if you eat your own cum because there is calories in that is completely real You could do that and drink your urine for up to a period of time And then I think then that you do you become legally a libertarian if you do eat enough of your own jizz and cum Up to a period of time But it is to replace

The sacrifice that our ancients used to do right the idea that we used to kill animals and sacrifice Because it was the ushering forth of the blood that came from the animal that we'd harness We'd harness that argon energy the thing that comes from the very veins that allows it to live And so in order for us to replace that because in satanism again, we're we are We are commercial Right, we are trying to move units We're trying to create other little groups of satanists so we needed to like lighten it up because people get really freaked out because again A lot of these satanists you find out the fucking vegetarian

Like they don't even want to deal with they don't want to do the animal sacrifice So cum is our expulsion of this energy and yes We harness it and I did write in literally I wrote an entire book called the satanic witch It is all about entrancing people and attracting them and one of the main tenets is that especially if you're a woman And if you want someone to fall in love with you you do dawn yourself with your own menstrual blood Up behind your ears This is completely real and you put it into your cleavage Because the idea is that we will smell the oncoming fertility

From you and we will be attracted to you, but a lot of times you just smell like a bed of nails An iron Very irony. It's very very irony and I don't It is distinct So what is the how much I'm wondering now in in hell. Is there a lot of cum or done at all? What's the cum ratio? There is a straight-up lack of cum I mean legitimately it is because they were trying to take away our personal power They don't want us to do but we're all edging in hell

So unfortunately we are just get to the very top and then it's not that you can never go. It's like being on paxil You're just stuck in it So, you know, there's no cum, but it's like yeah, and I would also appreciate because everybody who's torturing They're also not enjoying themselves And so it's kind of like on brand and then you find out that Satan himself is actually not very happy and Then when none of us are living our best lives are doing anything. It's and so I guess there is that again It's I think I've heard the term it's a vibe

All right, so uh Anton you mentioned uh One of the main things that the church of Satan was uh founded to protest and fight against was um unjust taxation. Yes Yes Yes, me Dr. Demento If we could do the insurrection all over again, we I could have been there. I would have been there Honestly, I feel like there should be an insurrection every year. I do. I honestly agree. I agree with that

But yes, it is one of the reasons why most things again, it's hypocrisy It's this idea that they all they all Mark themselves as the most that they're compassionate and they and they help the weak But all people do is pay in and get nothing out of it. You get spiritual coins But you don't get anything out of it. You know, they're like when you should be able to get a check Every month if the church is not getting taxed I mean, you know, you know, you were uh highly influenced by uh, frijik nicci And i'm rand. I mean, I assume they're both in hell, right? Oh, yeah, we're having a great time

But nicci, honestly, freddy is just a such a fucking down. He's so upset all the time And I get it. I was like, hey, let's make the most of this and think about this He's just so he's so sensitive because again because he didn't do anything wrong, but telling god. He's dead It's like reading your own reviews on itunes. It's not good. You don't want to hear it You don't want to hear the truth from anyone. It's it's brutal But you but you as a you as an uh, you know, uh, uh Let's always say like uh a less than a perfect 10 as a guy have figured out a way to have sex with all these beautiful women Oh, of course

And i'm rand with objectivism found out a way for a men to have sex with unattractive women as well So I mean she was sort of a pioneer in in that regard It's kind of nice actually that they get some too that the sour faced eat the sour face capitalist also can get stuck and she Honestly, I do get kind of annoyed because i'm Believe me. I'm a satanist. I'm a self-star Right. I could believe in that. You know, I get out there. I know what it's like. I could put myself I'm my own boss my own engineer. No gods. No masters

um, but n rand is a pain in the fucking And um her books, uh, I don't care who john galt is. I don't care. I mean, I was into it after for a second I was in for a second and then I met her I guess maybe that's what it is and the people meet me. I try to do both. It's called satanic duality, right? So when you meet me, you hear of me. You think he's this evil lord of the you know He he's the master of deception and then loves torture blah blah blah and yes part of that is true But also i'm a funny guy I'm a person that likes to mix it up. I like to meet people. I love holding court. I love throwing lunches

It's like that's really all the satanic church was was an extended Like cocktail Evening with naked women tables and then my very poorly kept lying that I still feel I honestly I'm guilty about to this day. I never should have did what I did to that life. It was very very bad But again, that's what an rand misses. It's like it's got to be fun It's like, you know, don't you want to take time off from being a bitch? Like just Have an afternoon where you're not an rand where you're just like a lady about town. I don't know

She's just she's too in character But you know, I I supposed to like you know, there are people who call themselves Satanist But it seems in our contemporary world now there are way more people who call themselves libertarians And I guess what I'm wondering is that is it possible to be a real libertarian without worshiping satan? I feel that they are very very close. It is very difficult to separate Um, I it's like I guess that's how they say it's like not all libertarians are satanist But all satanists are libertarians in general. Yes. And I think honestly, it's got a lot to do with the fashion. Have you ever been to a libertarian meet-up? I I I mean, well, I'm in one right now. I'm in hell, but

Yeah, yes. Well, the problem is is that it's it's you know, how do you say it's all been curated by walmart Where satanism is about bringing some edge to it. I like to cut like it's about packaging satanism always was and always will be about the Circus aspect of it. It's like you got to have fun with it. I yes, I want to wear a cape and not pay taxes That's being a sequence. I mean, we you know, we hear a lot today about how we live in an increasingly secular society that Religion plays less and less of a part in the lives of young people today So I guess like, you know in the 21st century, um, what does satanism offer the world today? Well, satanism truly again death wish coffees at the top of the market. That's the satanism I um, there's a whole if you look at a hot topic has never been more in touch with what the youth want

Satanism really could again It's dialing at that because I like what they say satanic temple is making it all very political Which I think is really important the idea that a week should be able to have common spaces if you're going to have a 10-commandment statue We should be able to have a bathroom at statue Which I don't even fully agree is the actual central symbol of satanism. I actually don't even know how we got there I know he looks metal, but he's you know, it's kind of just more of a symbol of duality But people need more of a sense of humor

With their doom Like you feel like this is the perfect time if this does feel like it's feel like very heavy times Right, it feels like it's everyone's very scared of what's going to happen. But that's why it's like dance on your way to the grave I think that's really important to to to be frivolous Suck dick eat pussy do drugs in the next couple of years I think there's a one thing that my original stripe of satanism can can bring back Just remember to suck a dick in the next couple years and enjoy yourself and get your penis sucked by whoever's there And enjoying themselves. I feel like that's that's the key

Yeah, so we had a lot of uh celebrity adherents to the church of satan like, you know, uh, jane mathfield Um, kind of anger with you know influence and his wonderful films But I mean like uh, who who's repping who's repping satanism today Reese with a spoon Um with just her simple. Have you seen her her speech? She got arrested where she's like, you know who I am I was just like yes Yes, girl. No, we do need some better representation. I do think that it would be nice if Finally, some people can kind of come out and say, hey, yes, we're satanists get with it. We're loud. We're proud Uh, it'd be nice for you to hear that that's why

The fucking diane feinstein is still alive And she has some form of connection to the fucking deep dark like set I know that she talks the set who is the ancient god of death in the egyptian world and she's ready to crack open this whole world Which is why she's trying to make marijuana illegal in california, but yeah, I don't I I hate these people I fucking hate I mean, so like, uh, you know upon death and um now, you know joining the dark lord um in the afterlife Was there anything that surprised you upon um entering hell and meeting the big guy himself again just straight up I you know, I died I still went straight from the heights

Of mid 1980s squalor san francisco, and it was incredible. Yes. I was addicted to heroin Yes, nothing. None of it was great for me necessarily, but right as I was going to be died It was right as I was about to die. It's my fuck. Yes. I'm going to hell hell sweet. Hey, this is going to take care of me Man, there's just nothing happening. I thought that it was going to be like jenny hendrix and Sid vicious and Piles of heroin and and and multi-legged like women of Babylon that we were all going to spread and honestly We've just been sitting in a gray room for 35 years. I've been in the gray room

and I'm starting to think that it's that like I guess it's like you hear all these stories about the monkey's paw arrangement And with the devil and these you're going to find everything that he does He's going to twist it with something ironic and I always just thought yeah sure for everybody else but But then I'm apparently know I am just everybody else Which is devastating Um, I guess like okay, so like we're considered we're considering you moving the show to hell. Um, just you know, like a

good I don't know you want to be near the train That's for fucking certain because you don't want a long walk. Um, it is a nightmare. Um, I've got a lot of people I'm seeing are living. Um, it's very similar to green point Where it is people are living 10 people to an apartment. It is very very intense Um, but you got to be hungry for it I think that's really it is as long as you're willing to go out because you're gonna need to do between 20 and 30 shows a night And but what really is important in hell is the hang

Is it as soon as you get out here and you start doing these shows? You're gonna really want to put your face around because you're not gonna get you really not going to get any good Like sites of any of the torture destinations unless people Know you and they buy they vibe with you Um, that's what's most difficult. It's the partying. It's all that it's all the after hours shit Is it me? Is there anyone in the hell that you were surprised to find here? It's probably uh, betty white The big bopper Honestly, I knew betty white was coming because there was no way she was supposed to live for that long

She was a Fucking she was a heroin addict her whole life. I knew that for a fact um, I was mostly surprised by You know what's nice? They let david bowie visit He's just so curious. So he just like they let him come down like he come he visits and he says hello What stuff but it's like he says a bunch of weird stuff about like Because he did magic too, but it was all milk based and I I don't understand because I can't stand milk I don't really know why and why would you drink the

The pissing cum of a lesser animal that's not a human. Yes. I'm drinking human cum But it's just coming out of it. I don't know what it is. I don't know what it is And the fact that he even drinks so much milk. I don't understand But that's nice when he comes down, but pretty much everybody you assume is down here is fucking down Here ever they're all here. I mean that's on the day. I mean you're you're an author You've written many books found a religion. Um, you're working. Are you cooking up anything new? Do you have anything you want to plug what I was hoping to do is I want to get into the world of mukbang Which apparently is very lucrative for some people and again, I love

Eating large amounts because it's a heathenistic lifestyle So you do you love and doing that and I love making choking noises And I think that the audience will love it too. I think that they will see But yes, it's a lot of it's I really want to stick to chicken wings or like There's something really carnal like that something like like pork ribs or something, but yeah mukbang. I I You know, it's so hard. There's so many outlets now There's so many ways to do Content now that it's like where do you where would it matter?

If I arrived at and so I do think in many ways mukbang could use A heathenistic stripe of Satanism. Uh, well, I I mean, I can't wait for that. Yeah, we're looking forward to seeing that Can't wait for this mukbang videos. Uh, you know? Is that good? Is that sensational? Are you supposed to masturbate to this? I honestly don't know Uh, anton, I think if you've proven if you've proven one thing the world is that you can masturbate pretty much anything if you put your heart to it That's incredible. Ladies in it. Is it a works magical? It's great

It's great. Well, anton. I want to thank you so much your time I mean, you're really you've given us the glimpse here of the dark side and you know like I I got to say You're making a strong case for moving the show here. Yeah. Yeah. For the tax breaks alone. I mean, that is key, but I swear to fucking Christ, if you up my rent, I'm going to kill both of you.

Okay? I don't want you to ruin this neighborhood for me. Okay? Well, I mean, I don't know. Like, maybe like sort of like lease, it's like a time share or something like that. You know, I'm not, I'm maybe like, I'm not fully committed to living in hell. First of all, I'm telling you, share, you don't do that ever, ever be free. Another trick of the devil.

Ah, Anton Leves, the founder of the Church of Satan. I really want to thank you for your time and showing us a bit of your health. Just make sure you never take anybody's bullshit. Don't touch a child unless they ask for it, and every day, eat a jar of cum, you'll make a million dollars. I mean, thank you so much for your time and Church of Satan, Anton Leves, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. Wow.

I guess it seems like he's seems like Anton is maybe having second thoughts about the whole devoting his life to Satan thing. I don't know. He doesn't seem to be having a great time. That's all I know. No. I mean, yeah. You know, he's not, you know, look, if you're worshiping the devil and expect to get any

kind of VIP treatment here in hell, I got news for you. You know, you're just, it's pretty much you're going to get the standard treatment. Yeah. Your only real hope is to just be so cool that Satan wants to hang out with you. That's it. That's your only hope of getting any kind of decent treatment down here, which is why we're hoping we might do okay because we're so goddamn cool after all. You know, it's interesting that Anton says that there, it's interesting as Anton points

out that there's no come at all here in Christian hell. But according to, maybe we can confirm this with Felix later, according to medieval, some medieval Jewish traditions in hell, the fornicators, for example, drown in rivers of calm. So there you go. I mean, I'm not seeing any of that here yet though. I mean, I wouldn't mind a little come. I mean, just a little bit here. Yeah.

Help me up. That's what Will is saying right now. Fill me up with calm. You know, I believe it was Jean-Paul Sartre who said that hell is other people. Indeed. I mean, he's here too. So he's one of those other people now. But you know, I mean, now that I'm here, yeah, there are a lot of people here.

It's a little crowded. But you know, some might say hell is a lack of other people's come. It's true. There's a lot of homeless over here and you know, you're like, oh, no, but you're drowning in the calm. It's like, well, what's the worst part of drowning? Like you're afraid you're going to die. Well, you're in hell.

Don't worry about it. Settle down. That's the thing I never, I don't really get. And I guess if we stay here long enough, I'll figure it out. I mean, yeah, it's like, this sucks. You know, this is awful. I'm sweating my ass off. As I said, I keep getting my fucking liver pecked at by this giant bird with a human face.

But every time it happens, I'm a little more used to it, you know? So exactly how do they keep this fresh, I guess is the question I have. I don't understand it. I mean, we're not the, we're not the only people who are dead here in hell. I mean, we're, we're visiting her right now. I mean, we really, we've written it to Rod Dreher a half an hour ago. I had no idea. I mean, but you know, apparently, like, you know, he's considering moving here as well.

Yeah. You know, he just likes to check things out to keep tabs on all the latest perversions so that he could share them with his newsletter readers strictly as a journalist. Yeah. He likes to point that. He says while, while he's, you know, being flogged by a dominatrix with the pig legs, he's screaming, this is for journalism. I'm not being turned on right now.

This is not hot. You know, I mean, I mean, like, look, he's, he's, he's an, he's an international traveler. I mean, now that he's freed up from the wife and kid, you know, he can, he can, you know, he's in Hungary. He's in, he's in, he's in France, you know, he's, he's, you know, visiting all kinds of retreats with young grad students and things like that, but like Rod isn't healthy spending the week in hell here. Yeah.

I mean, honestly, it was great to, it was great to run into a friendly face in the pit of sodomy. Yeah. He was doing that same face he made when he saw those oysters. Yep. He was like, hi guys, it's Rod. Journalism. Hi guys.

It's Rod here. It's Rod here in hell. This place is a disgrace. People need to hear more about it. Victor Orban needs to become king of hell and fix this place. He said he's going to be spending a lot more time here though. And you know, like, it's just good, like, cause we don't know how many people here. Yeah.

And Rod's a guy we know. So I mean, we're getting, we're getting dinner later with Rod. Yep. Look, and I know we've had our shenanigans with Rod, but look, we're all, we're all in hell together. So we might as well make the most of it. Yeah. We're going to get oysters, but in hell they're based, they're all the giant red lobster

oysters that tastes like tires. But once again, what are you going to do? You're not going to get it. You're not going to get a good, a good, a huge, it's sound oyster. What do you think you are? In hell, the, the sweaty giant megar men, they chew your pork knuckles. The pork knuckles chew Harry Magyar men. Well, you know, when we came to hell, I mean, obviously we had, we had, we had a lot of

big gets, a lot of dream names that we wish we had hoped to have the chance to interview. And you know, we were lucky enough to get, I think, two of the biggest names in hell. You know, when you go to hell, there's two people you want to meet. Ladies and gentlemen, we are lucky enough to be joined by Adolf Hitler and Satan himself. Guys, welcome to the show. Great to be here. It's great to be here. Yeah.

Great, great, great. I'll start with you, Hitler. I mean, how things been, you know? Good. How you holding up is really the question I want to know. Well, you know, I think a lot of people here don't really know what their path is, what their journey is, but I came in with sort of a plan and I mostly been focusing on myself healing and then making amends for what I've, what I've done in life.

And how does that, how does that amends process been carrying carried out for you here in hell? Well, you know, I guess I have been focusing more on myself. I've kind of gotten into surfing and, you know, just reading, hanging out with friends. But you know, yeah, if anybody wants to come by and talk with me, I'm happy to sort of say, look, I'm sorry for everything that happened. But that was years ago, you know, it's sort of like, you know, you, you probably have done things in the past five years ago, 10 years ago that you regret.

Yeah. And for me, it's, it's what, 80, 60, 80 years, something like that. I mean, I barely remember it. And then say the big cheese, the big dog. Yeah. That's right. Yes. I'm a professor, Dr. Demonia Saxe, you might know me as the king of Satan.

I mean, really, you're the one responsible for really all evil in the world that's ever existed. That's right. That's right, baby. So things here in hell are just, you might consider them a tad askew. We do things a little differently down here, just a little bit twisted from the norm. They deviate slightly from, you know, the mainstream. So, but we have fun here.

We have fun. You've seen the Adams family. Are you familiar? Yeah, of course. That's, that's hell, baby. That's like, it's basically what everyday life is here. We've got a channel here. It's all Adams family.

We've got, you know, Uncle Fester. We got a guy who's just a hand walking around. You know that they're creepy in their kooky thing. Yeah. That's us, man. And we think, you know, people like Abu Ghraab, they think being tortured is bad. We think it's good. Well, I mean, it's just something to do.

And that's, again, not to get back to my personal journey, but when you come down here, you'll see a lot of guys don't like it. They get in a funk. It's cause they're not doing new things every day. I'm doing something every day and whether it's getting tortured, they're not making a book club. What they got down here. Yeah.

Pickleball, pickleball. You know, we have, we have like our public parks are actually pretty nice. We have like monkey bars and things like that. You can, yeah, everyone gets their own golf cart here. It's something big thing I've noticed. Yeah. Well, they, well, golf carts, they got one busted wheel, so it's always like turning to the right.

It's like a shopping cart. Yeah. There's got to be like some like, you know, caveat, some kind of sort of like punishment, you know, for like, uh, technically, there's always something in hell. That's right. There's a, just a little tiny twist. I mean, I'll be the first to say it. Hell isn't perfect.

It's not perfect. Hell, hell's got problems, but we make do we're, uh, you know, we're improving every day doing a little bit better. So how much torture is involved here? Is there a quota every day? Does it vary? Are you getting tortured? Like for a law?

Do you really get in the business and then you like take a long break or, or is it like constant? What's the measurement? I mean, there's a shortage of demons. So it's not as if not everyone can get tortured every day, but I think the people that want to get tortured, Catholics, they get tortured. Right. You know, the part in Metal Gear Solid where you're fucking, you know, snake is like tied

up and you got to mash the X button to get, that's like, you know, what torture is here. You know, you just got to keep mashing the X button and for like, uh, two minutes and then you get a different cutscene when you do a good job. Well, Satan, you know, Lucifer, Lucifer the Morningstar, you know, the original, the original rebel angel. I just like your story is an inspiring one. So like, you know, could you take us through just your decision to rebel against God Almighty and like, you know, be, go from being an archangel to the Lord of the Son.

I'm sorry. Propaganda. No, no, I, I am a fallen angel, uh, but I, it's because I literally fell. I fucking, I slipped on a banana peel up there, fucking, uh, Ernest dropped a fucking banana peel in heaven, I slipped on that shit. I knew Ernest went to heaven. So God just like never got around to God, bringing you back up or anything. God does not give a shit about anybody but himself.

He can't see dad is a fucking cave in the whole fucking earth. You know, no Satan is being modest. I will say this about Satan. He is the celestial Bernie because in heaven he was more popular than God and a lot of people started saying we should have a vote. We should, we should decide who, who really runs this thing. A lot of people, I would, you know, I know who I would have voted for and God was like, no, we must have pulled the tradition and monarchy, all this.

He's an old stuffy piece of shit. Yeah. Well, you had a problem with the main guy, you know, Jesus Christ, his son. Yeah. I mean, talk about nepotism. Yeah. You know, that guy, and here's the thing too, people from heaven sneaking to hell all the time to party and there's a certain wayward son.

We see every weekend. Oh, wow. Oh, wow. Yeah. That would be scandalous if people knew that up top. Oh boy. Um, hit, hit, hit, I mean, look, I mean, you've, you've, you've had quite, you've had quite a legacy back up on earth, but I guess I'm going to hear the 21st century now.

I've been here longer than I was on earth. Yeah. But I mean, what I mean is like, I'm surely like, I don't know, I don't know if you guys get the news down here, but fascism, it's coming back. I mean, Italy, Italy just went fascist. They, I mean, it's a spicy meatball. I, I don't align, you know, I'm not really a political guy anymore, but I mean, she, she is basically girl Hitler.

I know. But I mean, like, I mean, your thoughts on how you, how, how the legacy of fascism has played out in the 21st century. You know, I mean, there's a lot of people who still, still, still like Hitler. I mean, would they, would they be disappointed if you found out that you've, it showed out. I'm wearing shorts and a Hawaiian shirt. You know that I'm just not that guy anymore. I've changed a lot.

You know, one thing that happened to me was I, I found out I, I have ADHD. Um, and it makes sense when you look back at like, I mean, the films, I was moving crazy, Frank, I was always, always had some harebrained scheme, you know, and look, I, I hope that anybody that's still a fascist would take a lesson from me and say, it's not out there. It's in here. And you got to work on yourself first. It's true. Absolutely.

And you know, like when, when a guy like, when a VIP like Adolf Hitler comes through hell for the first time, I mean, how are they treated? What can they expect? Let me, let me tell you something. You know, in here in hell, things are just a little bit twisty, you might say. So we think a guy like Adolf Hitler is actually good, you know, but you know, we, you ever have that like friend in middle school who you just go over to his house and he lets like the dogs and cats like piss and pee all over the course.

Sure. That's, that's what we do. And now we just let the animals poop and pee at wherever they want. And it's considered order here and not chaos. Well, all animals come here. It's a very heaven is in the rainbow. There's no such thing as a fucking rainbow bridge. You know, rainbows, they're not solid.

The fucking animal is going to go right through it. And right down to hell. Yeah. Right into my lap. We love kitties and puppies down here. They're fine. Yeah. I'm like, you know, Satan, do you have a favorite sin, a favorite place that is celebrated

here in hell? Well, you know, here in hell, things are just a tad askew a little different. So I mean, you know, things that are considered sins on, on your plane would actually be considered good here. If you do a number of sins, you get, you can get like a free meal and, you know, it goes on your card. So what then is, is the best good thing, the best good thing you can do? Like we'll get you high fives down here in hell.

You could, you know, rob a bank, you fucking know, you, you know, the crimes, you know? We're big on blaspheming God. You know, yeah, you know, all the main, like, you know, the crimes, the, so you can't pick the last favorite, just like, if you're doing crimes, you're doing good. Yeah. I mean, well, you know, I mean, all those guys, the Joker, Riddler, they're all down here. I mean, the real crime down here is a charitable ax, like, you know, donating to the local museum or picking up trash on the highway.

That's a considered kind of a gay, and in hell, gay is good, right? It is. It's nice. Yeah. I've noticed there's quite a lot of, quite a lot of sodomy down here. Yeah. You're really leaning into that as a motif. Is that just like seasonal or has this been going on for a while?

It's kind of boring. You know, we're, we're into like really vanilla sex now. It like goes like, we go back and forth between, you know, but yeah, we just overdo it sometimes. We're like, oh, shit, we got to, we got to get back to basics here. You know? Yeah. Hitler, you mentioned that there's been sort of a labor shortage of demons. There was not enough ironic punishments going on down here.

Well, I mean, the thing with hell is the population, we're in a boom, I guess you would say, and it just keeps going up and up, but we only started with the same, the same demons. I mean, what do you do? You can't just make new demons. No. You can't turn a human into a demon. That doesn't work. Like the whole body structure is completely different.

They're just not like, you know, built to have horns coming out of their head. But I mean, do you find that the demons nowadays are not, like as Matt said, they don't want to work anymore. They're sort of a lack of enthusiasm for their job. That's right. They're sort of quiet quitting. They're sort of just doing the bare minimum. I would say.

Yeah. They become bourgeois. They're not quiet. They're always, always screaming, always, but, you know, recruitment has never been better. Everyone's coming down here because, you know, there's, there's like a miscommunication or something like, like pretty much nobody's getting into heaven, you know, it's like everyone is just going instantly to hell because like, you know, nobody, God like forgot to like,

you know, drop the rule book down here or something. So everyone just, they're just guessing, they're just like, yeah, what the fuck. It's pretty random. It's random. Yeah. You might say it's like, I mean, obviously, like the vast majority of people listening to this interview right now, like they pretty much guarantee that they will end up in hell after they die.

But I guess I'm wondering if like the people out there who don't want to spend eternity in hell, what are some of the best ways to avoid going to hell if, if they so choose that? Well, like I said, there's no escaping hell. There's fucking no rules. A lot, a lot of times I notice new guys come in and like, what am I doing here? I'm not bad. I'm not Hitler.

And I'm like, wow, I'm right, I'm right here. You ate shrimp. You fucking idiot. What do you think is going to happen? You eat shrimp. They eat shit on the ocean floor. You think you want that in heaven? You want like shrimp eaters in heaven?

That's fucking disgusting. I mean, it's using toilet paper. They don't like that. No, toilet paper. I mean, that's comes from trees. That's an animal. Trees are an animal and you're just stripping their flesh to wipe it. That's horrible.

That's horrendous. So avoid, avoid eating shellfish, avoid wiping your ass. That's right. It's full of stillborn babies and it's like, do you really want to be around that? It's a bummer. Yeah. I mean, you know, like it's popular in Japan. They got the bedays.

So like everyone in heaven is just like Japanese because they're the only ones who like follow the rules. I mean, like thinking back to, you know, your life on earth, World War II, obviously that's a big part of your story. If you could go back and do it again, what would you change? I mean, I think, again, I would have began that journey of self-discovery earlier. I would have, I would have stopped frantically looking for things to do. I mean, the reason I really got involved with the Nazi thing was the only time where other

people helped me along, people were really into it. And I think I would have asked myself, do I like this? But you need, you need collaborators to finish any project, you know. Absolutely. I would have spent more time in Vienna, maybe. Yeah. Well, wrap your head around this. Why would I punish Hitler if he was bad?

Because I like bad things, you know. So maybe, does that mean that Hitler is actually good on earth and when he comes down here, he's bad? Which makes him good. Which is good. For me? Yeah. Satan is a bit of a philosopher.

Yeah. Well, just, just think about that, you know. So like, what are some plans for, I mean, look, it's a, there's a lot of history here. You know, Dante, got all the different, the different circles. There's no circles down there. Everything's square. Is there any plans to add any new, new squares, any new levels to hell, any, any, any new things that you can go to hell for?

Well, we got, what's in it? Crypto's in the news? Crypto, yeah. Yeah. You fuck up with crypto. You fuck up in life, you know. You're going down here. I mean, yeah, you, you were, you know, NFTs, we just got into NFTs, you know.

You got a, if you have like a little demon avatar. Yeah. If you're got, you go to hell. Yeah. That's right. We got like invaders, invaders in merch all over the place down here. Yeah. A lot of girls with dyed black hair and hoodies.

Hell. Yeah. They're the best. Well, you know, as far as like the people who are currently living on earth or maybe trying to go to hell or avoid hell, you know, I mentioned Dante, I mean, you said that was 100% cap. There are no circles down here. It's not, it's not.

The map he laid out is completely fraudulent, which is why Dante is in hell for lying about that. That's right. Yeah. What would you say are some of the popular misconceptions about evil and hell that like should it show their face in popular culture? Why do, why does everyone think everything's on fire here? Like why would anyone want that?

You know, we know it would burn down our condos. It would be so fucking annoying to have to keep rebuilding shit because it burns down. So I mean, it's ridiculous that people need to think about the economy of hell and how it functions. Yeah. I mean, like, you know, whenever a tree dies, it usually goes to heaven because trees, you know, are usually pretty good. So it's hard to get wood down here.

And so why would we want to burn in all the wood we're getting? Yeah. I mean, you have to wait for a tree that's done something bad. That's right. Yeah. I mean, like, you know, some of them like fell over on top of like a lumberjack. So those we get all those, the lumberjack trees, you know, we build little little little sheds.

Why would you want to burn those down? Yeah. So, you know, if people on earth are, you know, listening to this, you know, all aluminum foil goes to hell. Yeah. You know, get some like goat's blood and rub it all over the tree if you want to help us out, you know, just like slather some trees and goat's blood and cut them down for us. We need them.

We need trees. We need wood. Hell needs wood. That's right. Yeah. I mean, like, it's a fraud, but it's only very discreet areas to help. Well, I mean, and we're, we're being sanctioned, of course, so we can't get a lot of these supplies.

That's right. Yeah. You know, first of all, human rights abuse. Sleepy Joe Biden. Nothing asshole. Is it walking through, walking through a typical day in hell, what a Hitler you get up in the morning. What do you do?

Every day for me is different. But the important thing is to find something to do every day. Again, books, movies, friends, the beach, you know, you have to have a goal and I know what that is the day before. Today I went to Erewhon, you know. How's the hero? What are the prices like at the Erewhon in hell? It is expensive.

Well, every, you know, every supermarket down here is an Erewhon. So you don't have much choice, do you? It's a sacrifice that we make here in hell. Hell's not perfect. Again, it's, that's, that's the thing I say to guys come down here, you know, we don't make, we don't make sacrifice. We accept sacrifices, you know, it was God going to like see our sacrifice and go, okay, maybe hell is actually good.

What do we got a sacrifice here? Hell is the, it's the ghettoized version of heaven, essentially. Okay. Well, I mean, we've, we've missed the boat on heaven's, you know, acceptance, I think. I don't want, I wouldn't go there if they invited me, frankly. Yeah, well. I'm here with you, buddy. Sucks.

Uh, Hitler, like, you know, when you're thinking about what's going on in the world today, like, who, who are your guys? Who are your guys who's like really like upholding the Hitler legacy on earth now? Uh, again, I'm trying to distance myself from all that. You know, we, uh, we just did another interview with, uh, the try guys. Yeah. Um, and I think they're doing some pretty cool work. Yeah.

But I mean, frankly, uh, I don't, I don't pay a whole lot of attention to, I think the last thing I tried to watch on TV was the good place and it was very cloying. So I didn't enjoy it. My girl, my girlfriend's pretty young though. You ever, uh, watch, uh, squid games? I haven't, I haven't seen it. That's what hell is baby. We'll just do things a little bit different down here, baby.

Wait a minute, Hitler, uh, you say you have a girlfriend down here? Yeah, some news. Hello. Yeah. What, uh, who is she and what happened to Ava? Some people, they come here and they're, they're so tied to the past that they just can't change. And unfortunately she's one of them.

Well, Ava went to heaven, you know, she was getting in the way. No, she was getting in the way of my personal journey. You got cucked by God. That's not what it, that has nothing to do with it because we were still talking on the phone. Yeah. My girlfriend now, I can't name her, but I will say she was a princess of a country I bombed.

Okay. What about, what about some of your, your former friends and collaborators, uh, Goebbels? I mean, you still in touch? He draws furry art now. So, um, I'm glad he's, he's, you know, he has moved on in a way, but I frankly, I don't like hanging out with him. He's a weird guy. I mean, he only died in like 2019.

I mean, he's, he's, he's very savvy on all the internet trends. Yeah. Oh, wow. That, that I wasn't aware of. Yeah. He's relatively new addition. Oh yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. He was, he was living in Brazil. So he, he really only speaks Portuguese. That's right. Yeah. And like, you know, is it, is it, you know, we're, like I said, we're not going to name her. So it's a new relationship that you just started here.

Is it, what's dating like in hell? It's kind of like a treadmill. You just get on it and there's so many different people, new people to meet all the time and not a lot of people want to settle down and luckily my girl is a little bit more traditional. Yeah. Yeah. Um, if you were like, I've considered opening up the relationship or people Polly and how? Uh, every Polly person goes to hell.

So yes, people are Polly here. Yeah. People are going to say, Oh, Hitler's conservative. He's a, uh, you know, reactionary. I'm a react. No, I'm not. I just, you know, I just one, one woman that's, that's enough for me, you know, what if other, what other people choose to do with their time is their own business?

Hitler's going to worry about Hitler. So say, uh, uh, so the anti-Christ, yes, uh, you're, you're, you're boy. So is, is he on earth now? Uh, will he be arriving shortly? And if not, where is he? What, what, what can we expect from this kind of TMZ question? Like what's the scouting report on the crack of them? Honestly, this guy named Bob Hope.

He's a, he was a funny guy, you know, he died several years ago. Several years ago. Did he? Yeah. Nobody told where the fuck they'd go. I didn't see, did you see Bob Hope anywhere? Um, no, I haven't seen him. Wait a minute.

Did he go to heaven? He better not have the motherfucker fucking turncoat piece of shit. Well, I mean, the thing about the anti-Christ is he's a really bad guy and that would be the most awful thing to do to you. Yeah. I mean, nobody's ever betrayed me. This is fucked. I'm feeling things I've never felt before in my life.

Uh, I guess what Michael thought is like, you know, we're considering moving the show to hell. I mean, could you just like, like, pitch us like, you know, what are some do's and don'ts for first time, you know, like people who invest in property and hell. That thing about peeing in the pool and it turns the pool of different color, that actually works in hell. Oh man. Don't pee in the pool.

Thanks for that one. Yeah, that's good. I'm going to turn it around. I'm going to say do pee in the pool because we do things differently around here. And the, uh, the, the, the pool is actually the wrong color until you pee in it. The pool is actually just piss and then if you pour water in it, it turns a funny color. Yes. That's correct.

No, you piss in it and it turns blue instead of yellow. Yeah. Okay. All right. Uh, just like, you know, I mean, we're only here for a little bit longer. Uh, then we got to go to Chicago and doing, doing a show there and then my condolences. Yeah. I mean, just that any must do's must see things to take care of here in hell.

Before we go. You got to see, uh, go on a hike. There's a cave here. That's really nice. Um, like stalactites. You know that shit? Yeah. Yeah.

Like, uh, you got caves on earth. You know, they're, they're cool. They got those, uh, the fish guys with human legs and the fish heads and they run around in there. Yeah. The reverse mermaids. Yeah. Those guys.

Yeah. Yeah. Um, no, they're all black down here. Well, what does that mean? They still, they still exist. Uh, it has held gotten too woke. Yeah. That's a good one.

Hitler. I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm gonna, you can take, you can take, feel this one. It's all gotten to I'm, I'm not a political guy. I honestly, I don't pay too much attention to it, but these, these kids, I mean, the thing is you can't even like perform at colleges anymore or stadiums, rap, big rallies. It's just, you know, they, they want to make their own identity and part of their identity is these little cartoons, Steven Universe or whatever. And yeah, I mean, every time, every once in a while we get here in hell, we're like,

we get a guy who's like, I want to torture, you know, a Mexican guy or something. And we're like, come on, man. That's too far. Yeah. I torture, it's like a lottery system. You know, there's, it's completely blind. There's no, uh, you know, it's a meritocracy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I mean, it depends on which like quote unquote car you're in.

So like, which, which gang you kind of affiliate yourself with in hell. But I mean, it's, it's very strange when someone's like, yeah, let's, let's kill, uh, Jews. And it's like, even I'm like, all right. Yeah. I mean, come on. First of all, you can't kill anybody down here. No. No.

No. No. Is it just, I guess it's like, does love exist in hell? Absolutely. Yeah. I mean, I love to do things a little differently. Okay. I mean, I, I know you guys are both very busy.

I really want to thank you for, you know, penciling us in for a little time here. Cause you know, you're, you're running the place then here. You're just like number one and two. So I really want to thank you for just donating a little bit of your time to us here today. Satan and a former chancellor of the national socialist German workers party, Adolf Hitler. Thank you. Yeah. Thank you guys.

I'm, I'm going to go fuck a rat. So I hope you all have a good one. Thanks guys. You know, okay. It's like, uh, you know, a lot of things that people complain about here in hell, it's sort of like Europe, not a lot of ice water, you know what I'm saying? They serve your water. It's fucking room temperature.

Yeah. You know what I'm saying? And again, no air conditioning. It's not like Paris, honestly. Yeah. It's, it's, yeah. Yeah. You're just, you're just on the highways over, uh, no shoes.

It sucks. But I gotta say though, the food, pretty good. Surprising. I would say good. I had a, I had a nice, I had a fur. I had fur, you know, and I had like a beef fur. I mean, it was beef. I mean, like it was, it was called baby fur.

Yeah. You know, but like, I mean, I was assuming that that was just sort of a marketing, marketing point. Yeah. You know, fetus fur. Yeah. You know, crab, uh, Rangoon, that's never a crab. Imitation at best.

Don't worry about it. Um, but the fried calamari here is just fried hog anuses. Yeah. There's no, there's no hiding that. It's refreshing, honestly. Yeah. It does taste identical. Yeah.

One of the, one of some of these are the best bites we've had here. You know, there's a great, there's a great little empanada place, you know. But you know, like the coffee, kind of middling, kind of middling, you know. Um, yes. It's hard to get, it's hard to get a good, uh, like I said, no ice to drinks down here. I asked for a cold brew. They looked at me like I was fucking crazy.

Yeah. It sucks. They were like, dude, they're like, buddy, you're in hell right now. It's hot, hot bevs only. Yeah. As a result, I have not gone, I have not gotten a single, uh, Coca-Cola. Hot coax are not good. But I mean, all the, all, all the, uh, all the CEOs of the Coca-Cola company are here

with you. You're with them. That's true. And would you know what the Coca-Cola secret ingredient, aborted fetuses. People said that was Pepsi. Yeah. No, it's actually Coca-Cola. Yep.

Okay. Well, the next thing you got lined up, I mean, like this is a guy that he was probably, probably the person I was most excited to talk to here in hell. Cause he's probably the person most surprised to find himself in hell. Absolutely. Uh, you know, probably the hardest loss of Pascal's wager of all time. Got brutally owned. Ladies and gentlemen, eminent author, literary critic and bad boy.

Christopher Hitchens is in the house, is in the hell. All right. So like I said, next up, we have a man who is probably perhaps more surprised than anyone to find himself in hell, author, literary critic, Christopher Hitchens. Christopher, how's it going? Well, despite that rather supercilious and facile introduction, I am somewhat vexed to report that my situation has been rather unpleasant as of late. Um, you know, when we knew, when you, when you agreed to do the interview, we reached

out to Pascal about his wager and you, the fact that you lost the wager and we asked him for comment and he just replied to our email with the abbreviation for laughing my ass off. My reply to Pascal, as it is to you, is the same as it would be eternally during a mortal life on earth or otherwise, is that the wager cannot be lost any more than it could be said that if Sir David Hume had lost on points, billiard game after billiard game after billiard game after billiard game, that one could say that the game did not exist. The proof of a scientifically known organic and therefore mortal nature of life itself

and therefore a godless atheist reality of the university inhabit is not only conclusively proven in my books, but also conclusively settled in debate by my appearances on CNN and MSNBC and parties hosted by Graydon Carter. I do not accept that my current predicament, as difficult as it may be, is what you would term to be a sentence to everlasting torture in hell. That is a fantasy for school children and obese Baptists. I maintain and I do urge myself to continue. I do urge myself to continue this very important point.

I do maintain that although I am put under extreme duress on a daily, in a hourly basis, and that there are flames surrounding me in every direction, I maintain that it is merely a hallucination of the pineal gland, that I am still inhabiting a hospital bed and suffering from esophageal cancer, and that I am merely in the throes. The final moments of an organic creature's last breaths on this earth. I believe that I am merely rehearsing a debate in my own head at the conclusion of a lifetime as one would in the shower or at any other time of one's existence. This is sort of inspirational because we're here interviewing you in hell.

I refuse to concede the point. Like I said, that's inspirational. You're sticking to your guns here on the atheism camp. So any comments about the non-existence of God and the non-existence of hell that you'd like to... Although one would look around and understand, one would look around and if one had not matched with George Galloway and other worthy opponents in the arts of letters and sciences, if one's mind had not been honed with the knives of vanity fare.

One might allow one to be seduced by the persuasion that you were surrounded by a Mephistophelian torture that may last for a number of thousands of years or an eternity from the scale of a human lifetime. I, however, I understand. I, along with thousands of superior minds dating back to so far, understand that what I am experiencing is nothing short of my own mental mindscape. Even though I am subjected, on a 24-hour basis, to a severe waterboarding. One could call it a waterboarding.

I am subjected to a waterboarding with the collected semen of Evelyn Wall. Even though... There's a lot of giz here. It is set on fire. It is mixed with gasoline. It is the flaming calm of Evelyn Wall. Even though I am subjected to this on a 24-hour basis, I refuse to admit that what I am enduring is any sort of punishment from any sort of deity.

If it were, it would conclusively prove that that deity were of a lower mental capacity than the victim of his punishments. Even though I have been subjected to a trial where Aristophanes himself appeared, borrowing from the plot of his own play, the frogs, appeared and held a trial for two deceased poets of which should rise from Hades to rescue Athens in her moment of greatest difficulty. Where a trial was held comparing the letters of I, Christopher Hitchens, with those of Tom Wolf. Even though it was presented to me as if I lost the competition and the Brekekekekekekskowaks

of the frogs of Aristophanes took Tom Wolf back up to the living world. I understand it to all be fictional. Answer me this. Have you seen a resurrection? Have you seen a resurrection or a reincarnation of a Tom Wolf? I take your silence as confirmation that it is a bonfire not only of his vanities, but a bonfire of the concept of reincarnation itself as well. I am feeling, I am being, I do not consent, I do not consent, my mind is free, I will

not submit, I will not submit to this display of Islamal fascism. And although movements like this that are clearly weeping and gnashing of teeth I refuse. I refuse to recognize that I am not being given one final interview, one final unnecessary interview with myself on my deathbed, which seems to have lasted now at least 12 years. So yeah, you know, I'm hearing no regrets as you, as you, as you experience this temporary natural phenomenon of DMT hitting your brain and creating a very, very lifelike fantasy of you being tortured for the things you said and did while you were alive, you know, as you wait the final nothingness of complete actual death, which is, you know, nothingness

for eternity. I mean, like, you're standing strong and no regrets, but I mean, is there, is there anything you wish you could have done more while you were alive? I only wish that I could have impressed with a greater sense of conviction and justice, my superior sense of humor on the female sex. I only regret that my persistent flop sweat, stinking of gin, was not personally shared but with Christiane Amanpour, but was done so over a satellite link connection. And you know, I mean, obviously there's, there's the Iraq war, there's torture, there's, you

know, spreading the gospel of new atheism, you did also refer to mother, you did also refer to mother Teresa as quote, an Albanian midget. I mean, come on, is there any regrets for that? For that alone? You think maybe like this is why your DMT death trip is the way it is because in the mother Teresa stuff, maybe it could have been more fun. Maybe this could be more of an enjoyable experience here, maybe a reconciliation, you know, with loved ones.

I look around lately to answer your point, to your point, to your point, to answer your query. I look around here in this erstwhile hellscape and I do not see mother Teresa. I do not see the Albanian whore. My eyes are clearly open. I perceive myself blink. I blink there. I blink, therefore I argue.

I look around quite clearly and I see no mother Teresa and we all know in any honest intellectual analysis you would know that if this were an eternal damnation, that a mother Teresa would be here, along with every other Christian saint canonized by the Catholic Church. I see them not, therefore this cannot be held. QED. I mean, what about other religious figures that you've lambasted in the past? I mean, are you seeing them now in this sort of fantasy created by your own mind before the eternal void of nothingness?

Anyone you're happy to see joining you in this baroque fantasy of your own torment? QED. One would think what I see familiar faces. I see familiar faces that remind me of the combative newsrooms of London and New York. I see people that I would have seen in a party at Vanity Fair. I see very clearly, obviously what has happened is that there is a vigil around my hospital bed and I'm being fed gin and gal wall and what has been experienced here is nothing and I dam them, I dam them.

I tell them not to comfort the dying in his final moment. I have a piece that will be debuting soon in the New Yorker called Against Comfort. QED. I've got to ask you, you've had many epic battles with Gore Vidal. Has Gore showed up in this fantasy of torment? QED. Gore Vidal has not shown up in this fantasy any more than he otherwise would in my daily fantasizing of debating with him.

I do not see him not. You Tennessean fool, to quote a celebrated review of one of his final and least impressive works, Palimpsest. I would say again regarding Mr. Vidal that he is fat, he is obese, his mind is aged. His mind, as his arguments are, aged, he is, if not a willing tool, then certainly a fellow traveler and a useful idiot for not only Saddam Hussein but the Ba'ath movement across the Levant and southwest Asia. Who among us could have predicted that the aristocrats of the Tennessee Valley authority

would become the water carriers, so to speak, for the Ba'ath movement? Indeed, the Ba'ath has reached from the Tigris and Euphrates to the Columbia and Tennessee rivers. I know there are former collaborators like Donald Rumsfeld, I mean, you work closely with him on the whole Iraq war. Rumsfeld, I see daily Rumsfeld, he is next to me in the hospital, he is comforting me in my dying moments, I see, yes, and he screams, he screams constantly because he cannot imagine living on without me in the world beset by the radical left and the fundamentalist right.

He screams of torment knowing that a world without hitchens is a world dimmer by far. I do not subscribe to the fantasy that his torment is supernatural in any way. This is conclusively proven. Now, what about Saddam there, you weren't going to answer that one, have you seen Saddam? Indeed I have seen Saddam, indeed I have, and what I understand, what I believe to be more plausible than that he and I have been placed adjacent to each other, everlasting torment, what I believe to be more plausible and which therefore cannot be argued by any serious debate, is that Saddam Hussein, that Saddam Hussein himself was not executed in

Baghdad, it was not his neck that we saw snapped like a chicken, that in fact it was one of his body doubles, and this is altogether more plausible, that Saddam himself was brought to my hotel room to thank me, to thank me for removing him from power as a mea culpa, ironically as it were, a Paul on the road to Damascus scenario, that Saddam himself has bent the knee in the final moments of Hitchens' walk upon the earth. I do not forgive him, I do not forgive him, in fact I do not forgive him, and I gleefully taunt him at the securement of the Iraqi gold reserves by George Clooney and Ice Cube. Well, Mr. Hitchens, I mean, it was great to talk to you again, I mean our world has been

certainly missing your voice as you transition into eternal nothingness on your hospital bed as this dream continues, the dream here for the rest of America, a cold and kinetic eternity, I must demand that you can see an eternity that is cold and kinetic and involves no more than the occasional, no more life than the occasional electron. And well, yeah, as far as our world is concerned, it has been, I mean, it's felt like hell for me because there's been a severe loud of Christopher Hitchens' debates and the TV appearances on this is the part, this is the part, this is the part where the nurses, this is the part where the nurses insert my own pin as a catheter, I refuse this treatment, a fountain pin used

to write my most piercing words, ah, ah, oh, God, fuck the count of God. Well, you know, Mr. Hitchens, like I said, my closing thought, it's felt like hell on earth for me these past years because there have been precious few and indeed none. There have been no Christopher Hitchens' appearances on Real Time with Bill Maher and that's felt like hell to me. What a loss, we have all felt it, just imagine all of the new rules you could have shared. If this were hell, if I were in hell, if I were in hell, would I not see Bill Maher? Prove to you, prove unto you.

Case closed. The case is not closed, I disagree with you on that. The case must forever be argued. More important in the human experience than being right is to be combative. This has been known since the presecratics. This has been clear to those of free minds since Marcus Aurelius. The human mind is not of purpose and let it is put to use in the action of humiliating the female sex and advocating for a war after which none will achieve their valhalla and

none will be condemned through there below. Well, Mr. Hitchens, like I said, it's great to know that there's a party of you that still exists somewhere out there. During the good fight against God, against religious belief, and against Islamofascism. I look out very clearly, I see across a curtain of flames, and in an eternal, I see an eternal cloud of smoke rising from the curtain, from the shadow of the flames, and in the distance I see Orpheus attempting to carry his beloved up to the peak of Hades where it returns to the immortal world.

And I understand this to be a pageant. I understand this to be a pageant that Arianna Huffington has organized on my behalf around my abode of convalescence, and I reject it. I reject it on theatrical grounds, and I reject it as something attempting to convince me of some sort of pagan afterlife, which I reject also as handling, as did Plato. Mr. Hitchens, I really want to thank you for your time. That is not great, but talking to Christopher Hitchens, you can't, you know, you've got no complaints.

You've got no complaints. I will add this, there is no dismount that I will allow you to do without further objecting to the points, the very important points that are raised because they must be deflated. There is no elegant way I will not concede the fall. In fact, I will tell you, I am here to plug my latest work. My latest work is a thorough debunking of Aesop and his fables. It has come to light that the fables themselves must not be taught to our children because they involve not only supernatural, but lessons, lessons which are of a clearly satirical view,

and one must not indoctrinate our children, whether they be our young or our children who are of advanced age in positions of power. They must not submit to the tortoise nor to the hare, to the scorpion and to the frog. I stand astride their path across the river, and I say, sting not and swim not, neither one is real. Animals don't talk, animals don't talk, but I can't, I can't, I can't, coax, coax, I beg you, make it in. Christopher Hitchens, ladies and gentlemen, dogs, we love them, don't we?

Yeah. I'm not gone, I will never bend to go. Wow, hell, what a place, you know, but I have to say, nice to visit, I don't think I want to live here. You know, it wasn't as bad as people said it was. Certainly not. No, people get way overboard, you know, it's like, it's fine, but you just imagine over time it's just, it would get on your nerves, you know, it's just, it's that kind of thing.

It's an experience I think everyone should have at least once in their life. Right, yeah, oh sure, yeah, you gotta, you gotta check it out, it's like St. Paris or Houston for that matter. But yeah, no, Satan, Satan is real. He's working his power, he's a little twisted and he's a little sick. We can see him and feel him in this world every day. Every single day. But you know, like, we can't spend eternity here in hell.

Not yet. Not yet. But we'll be back, we'll be back on Earth, we'll be back on the mortal plane of existence to kick off our full tour starting October 1st, Chicago at the Vic Theater, we are pleased to announce, we'll be joined by musical guest, Solips. You will know Solips as the band of Charles Austin of E1, got some more musical guests and special guests to announce as well. On October 8th at the theater at the Ace Hotel, we are going to be joined on stage by none

other than Tim Heidecker, Tim Heidecker will be guesting with us in Los Angeles. Then October 14th in New York City at the Town Hall Theater, we will be joined by music, 95 Bowls, finally reunited with 95 Bowls, we get to be on stage with them. And then we also joined by special guest, a certain portly Greek stand up, a certain gentleman who we cannot name due to promotional conflicts, but you know who he is, you know who we're talking about. And then October 30th in Fort Lauderdale at Revolution, we will be joined by the musical group Donzi, Donzi and we will also be joined by the same Greek stand up who we can't name,

but we all know who we're talking about. So we got a fresh slate of musical acts and comedians joining us on this tour, tickets still available at chopotraphouse.com slash live. I was just going to say real quick that we do in fact also have a musical act for LA who we also cannot name yet due to promotional conflicts, but that is because they are big enough to actually be playing music festivals like this weekend, and we can only name them after the festival is over. So there's another act there as well.

All right, well, I've had enough of hell. Yeah, let's get out of here. All right. Cheers everybody. Yeah, yeah, yeah.