Chapo Trap House - 668 - In the Navy (10/4/22)

Episode Date: October 4, 2022

In a semi-sequel to the classic movie ep on Patriot’s Day (CTH083), the gang takes a look at Peter Berg’s 2012 blockbuster Battleship. We imagine a world where board games rule cinema IP over superheroes, talk about disgracing WWII vets, and wonder if these are the weakest movie aliens of all time. L.A.: Our live show is THIS SATURDAY, 10/8/22 at The Theater at the Ace Hotel. We are going to do a limited ticket giveaway on Patreon and on twitter this Wednesday (10/5/22). Details posted to Patreon imminently. All dates & Tickets to all our upcoming shows: https://www.chapotraphouse.com/live

what's up everyone we are officially on tour so big thanks to everyone who came out in Chicago this Saturday big thanks to solips and Charles from the episode one podcast for playing with us the show was a blast big love to the city of Big Shoulders Los Angeles we will be with you next to this Saturday October 8th at the theater at the Ace Hotel we've got Tim Haydeker we've got music from LA Witch this show is going to rip if you are hearing this and live anywhere near Los Angeles you are contractually obligated to come out it's going to be a blast tickets still available at chapotraphouse.com slash live and along

those lines we've just been told we've been given a few tickets to do a give away for this show we're going to be doing this giveaway over on patreon but it's going to be open to everyone it will work exactly like our South by Southwest ticket giveaway I will make a post explaining the rules tomorrow that's Tuesday morning Tuesday the 4th at 10 a.m. Pacific time then the submissions will be officially opened on Wednesday the 5th also at 10 a.m. Pacific time so keep an eye out over on the patreon and on Twitter if you want some free tickets to the LA show on this Wednesday after that we're still coming to NYC on

Friday the 14th with music from 95 Bulls and our stand-up opener that we can't name then to Miami I mean to Fort Lauderdale on Sunday the 30th with music from Don Z and the same stand-up opener links to all tickets over on chapotraphouse.com slash live now on with the show you can get you can get liver and onions Charlie Chaplin oh yeah I'm not a kid lobster thermidor kidney and kidney and okay what's what's lobster thermidor is supposed to like regular okay so this is a classic this is the kind of fish was like the height of fanciness about a hundred years ago

before we discovered you know modern cuisine as such it's one of those for you can get a lobster and melted butter you don't but yeah before you don't see it so much anymore so you take a lot it's essentially twice baked lobster you take a lobster you boil it up you cut it in half sideways take out the meat you toss it with sherry and cheese I think or something and then you make it into kind of basically like a souffle type thing and then you stuff it into back into the shell and then you cook it again and then yeah it's delicious okay okay I can deal with that we're talking about an executive the long yeah those the

ice cream sandwiches are so good those are great oh hello okay hello all right it's choppo all right choppo coming at you star date unknown recording undisclosed location Matt Felix we've got movie sign and if you were hearing this we have passed away yes this is the last episode you will ever hear speaking from the beyond the gray yeah this is a message this is a message from the future some day during the October tour we foolishly all got on the same plane it was hit by a Texas Air National Guard anti-air battery well flying flying into Austin airspace wait a minute you're aware of this yet we're still gonna go through it

this is a message from the future you're not dreaming this is you're not dreaming this is a choppo movie episode well I to explain I've jacked off into a cup and I've given instructions to 10 women I know with the best genetics and told them to you know make a kid and I've taken out a 30 million dollar life insurance policy on myself we get shot down so I'll be giving up my life but creating a 64 son hopefully with 30 million dollars guys died it was singing but seriously Peter Berg will be executed that is correct that is correct Felix the movie we are bringing you is the second in the Peter Berg series

years which years ago began with the classic film one of my favorite chop book episodes Patriots Day Boston bombing movie yep the episode that involved me accidentally taking a hundred milligram edible and being in a movie theater when Kevin Bacon started talking to us the real actual Kevin Bacon in the movie theater Patriots Day one of my favorite choppa movie episodes we'll see how this one goes the movie we are bringing you is a movie that offered the America of 2012 a glimpse at an alternate universe an alter a scenario that might have been we're rather than the mega comic book cinematic universes

that we are so they dominate today's popular culture landscape we could have had a board game based cinematic universe perhaps with competing Hasbro cinematic universe Parker Brothers cinematic universe Milton Bradley and of course all of the the smaller studios and independents that would get all of those public domain games like chess and checkers go cheesy yes the classic game of the ancient Chinese game of go yeah no the movie is battleship battleship Peter Berg's battleship a Hasbro film yes so during the Bush era and the bungler that that period that is when we went from having the classic Hollywood

understanding where there would be a bunch of movies that would come out and you'd throw stuff at a wall and you see what stuck and you just sort of do that every year but because of the changing economics of film during this period the like second Bush term to a bungler Hollywood starts going around for a new business model to deal with their new reality and that one requires radically increasing the size of movie budgets while reducing the risk associated with any specific film and that meant intellectual property and that meant specifically intellectual property owned by the studio so where's it gonna

come from where in the big bin of stuff people have heard of where we're gonna go and there are three big options one was toys and the big exponent of that we got was transformers of course Michael Bay's Iraq war basically he spent about as much time and about as much money trying to get America to care about the transformers and to make it like a cultural thing and it never happened and it was a huge it was a huge disaster so that that was his Iraq war but other than like those movies and like the G.I. Joe movies which are only kind of yeah barely barely there was no real it didn't get a gusher then of course we've

got comic books which I mean that exploded Iron Man came out in 2008 yeah Marvel Cinematic Universe is already 40 years into project A or whatever the fuck they were calling that shit yeah but yeah this this was this was this they started they were casting about casting about what else is what other than comic books yeah comic books and like old like cartoon shows and stuff and the answer board games speaking of budgets I'm just looking at the Wikipedia for battleship it says your battleship was greenlit with a production budget of a hundred and fifty million but went through a troubled pre-production universal

at one point considered canceling the film which you know which would have resulted in a 30 million dollar loss however new chairman Adam Fogelsen decided the studio would lose less money if they increase the budget of the film instead of outright canceling it yeah by the fucking gas Jared Fogelsen coming in so yeah this this movie it product of great waste if we had just spent three times the budget of this movie we could refill the missiles in the Iron Dome but this was how do I you know just short glance how to describe this movie Leonard Moulton style this is a movie for people with no internal monologue and no memory

of events more than a minute past this is you know all of Oliver Saxe's patience and awakenings that's this movie for them we watch a lot of bad movies for this for this show we watch a lot of mediocre things we will watch a lot of like good things it's very rare that a thing we watch makes me severely depressed the last time it happened was when we watch the Warcraft movie which I think was I think is made for like I guess middle-class children in China who just Adderall's not working for them I'm supposed to watch the Warcraft movie and this is worse than that I honestly he thought he said that earlier said this

reminds me of the Warcraft movie and I had a moment where I thought have I seen that and then I remember no we did an episode about it I'm pretty sure I found that episode so that means I saw it but I swear to God I remember nothing about it I don't remember anything except waking up in a clock tower with a rifle um well I guess my Sandy Kenyon style review of battleship is um run don't walk to see battleship it's the movie that'll make you forgive the Japanese for attacking Pearl Harbor that is a lot of the subtext of this move that's probably the most interesting thing about this movie the Pearl Harbor

connections I mean this movie really makes more sense as like a veiled movie about Japan and the United States allowing against China because we'll talk about it the aliens in this movie are bait they there's even though they're supposed they are able to travel interstellar dimensional space their tech their their physiognomy they're basically humans only slightly different yeah it's basically it's basically the way Asian people were viewed in films until like five minutes ago you know like you can see that is sort of the the subtext here because it's not really they aren't aliens they're they're just

people with right weird gecko eyes and I would even I would extend that analogy the China analogy that's definitely how Peter Birxie is it to the alien technology very similar to a TCL TV where you know you get it you're like oh my god this is like a great alien battleship I'm getting an entire 60 inch TV for $370 and it's got Roku built in four years later you try to load up HBO Max and it just your TV turns off and the woman's yelling at you because you brought your TV yeah you brought your TV to her house because you said I have I have euphoria on my TV and she's like I'm I'm rushing

a sorority at UCLA I was born I was born in 2002 and you're like well I'm actually gonna be a director soon and then she's like why does your how come you have a four-year-old TCL TV that doesn't work and I say well it's a lot like Peter Birx battleship and she says that came out when I was 10 years old this is a real thing that happened this is I do the this is exactly what I do in my life at one point Felix you said this movie sounds like it was written by a Chinese television it may in fact have been Matt over there you said the magic word aliens yes now here is it's like the problem for from universal and

studios casting about for like something to compete with the Star Wars and Marvel mega franchises and happening upon board games is essentially how do you make a board game as mind-numbingly boring and childish as battleship into a fun exciting action movie right a quick side note for listeners at the show the last time I played battleship was actually losing to Ian Fydans that was the last time I played battleship but I'm obviously in very funny guy but the game was interminable how do you make this into a dynamic exciting motion picture well the answer is aliens yeah and you know like this we could see like

the studio could it studios could have taken this in a lot of different directions like the game of operation make it a movie about yeah like humans getting abducted and operated on by aliens I was thinking like a John Q type movie because you try to have a wacky surgery you can do it you could do a soft style horror movie too waking up on the operation table and you got to like operate on yourself with a machine or something okay how about this one hungry hungry hippos the aliens arrive in earth in giant battle mechs like sort of Evangelion's Ava's but their hippo ship and they just chomp up cities and they

have to stop the hippos from being hungry right I think we all unfortunate before this episode even started when we knew this is the episode we were gonna do we all basically arrived at the same joke about the life board game movie Terrence Malick's the game of play you had Terrence Malick I had David O. Russell Alexander Payne one point Ridley Scott was attached to a Monopoly yes that is 100% true that would have been really fucking yeah and I would have liked that I think that thing was in development forever and I think I think this movie had a lot to do with it dying like there this is why I'm saying we were there's

another universe where this movie succeeded and honestly when you look at the shit that does succeed this is terrible but it's no like this is no worse than the shit that people like strange or fucking no this movie is a billion times better than the Eternals oh this is late years better than that movie I disagree okay no I mean okay I am on record as like hating those fucking movies the the neo Marvel movies like horrible like to press me similarly to the Warcraft movie had a terrible experience watching Infinity War but you know nothing in this movie fits together I mean okay we were talking

about the board game life you know this stupid way that you view the world when you're a kid where you think like Dunesbury is a special comic strip for adults it should be our total section not the comic it wasn't my as my grandfather was told it we get I mean okay you know digression to a digression I always thought like when I'm older well I think it's funny that the hats are talking but like okay like like like stuff like that or like you know the board game life I thought like oh I guess that's like what my parents play when they sent me to bed it's just like so complex I guess it

seemed very boring to me I never wanted to play life but that this is you know even when I was 7 playing battleship I was like this is such a stupid game you say a letter and a number and then it's either hit or miss and you go through like a while of getting this miss miss miss miss and you get a hit you get like then you say then it's just like it's a matter of time before you take a ship that's it it's go fish it is literally just a process of elimination there's no real thought to it exactly there are a few oh I'm gonna go just guessing there's no skill whatsoever data entry job for children yes playing that game

feels like and it's it's a day it's like yeah it's go fish with artificial depth and the artificial depth is like the fucking bullshit that you have and this movie felt the exact same way and I think there might be another world where this movie succeeds and if it did then the monopoly movie gets made then we get a clue remake bring a clue back I mean the original clue movie is actually a very great movie well that is a board game that I mean more than almost any lens itself to the concept yeah movie it literally is a story that you participated yeah we could get we'd sorry mousetrap we get all of them

different different genres different flavors diplomacy we would be aliens against a Napoleonic army and you might say oh that's ridiculous I'm sorry it's not any more ridiculous than the army in the army in this movie against aliens right that is the most absurd thing about the same chance it is the most absurd and infuriating thing about this movie that it just gets under my skin is watching us is that they make the attempt to make the aliens in any way like the match for of the interstellar civilization okay that is defeated by a world war two era battleship spoiler alert counterargument the premise is

like no more shitty than like any of the existing Marvel movies I will like it's exactly as insulting what is the premise of the Avengers movies oh a purple guy is gonna get up all his jewelry and then he's going to he's just gonna you know solve the agriculture crisis I guess that's you know that's the plot that's all these movies have idiotic plots doctor strange is like oh a surgeon sat on his hand in a weird way and a jet jet himself off he's jacked himself off of the friendly stranger he did he got caught in the jet blue bathroom he didn't book a mosaic ticket was in the mosaic bathroom big problem they won't

let him be a doctor anymore so now he has to be a scary doctor you know all these movies are stupid and insulting friendly doctor stranger yeah but like this movie like the way the characters relate to each other the dialogue the choices that everyone makes it is alien this was this was a movie written produced and conceived by aliens this is I mean there is a you know Joss Whedon soiness to Marvel movies but it's at least something I can put my put my hands on and understand I cannot understand the things in between aliens in battleships in this movie okay fellas let's dive in yes let's let's let's do

let's play fellas let's play battleship let's do it let's play battle so the film begins with sort of a a brief preamble setting up the intergalactic stakes of on this board game slash movie the movie establishes that something called the beacon international project has used a network of satellites to send a signal into deep space to a recently discovered Goldilocks planet we all know the Goldilocks planet of course planet that is just just far enough from the Sun in its solar system you have an atmosphere gravity and temperature roughly comparable to our own planet and you know like so so okay

done established there aliens in the movie so you won't you won't you won't be surprised when they show up later that they've named the planet it is called planet g planet planet top g the andretate planet yeah it's the war room planet yeah that is you get a great referral code if you send people that planet what message are we sending into deep space brandy go to sleep ah and who want who want beer I'm Steve a nice boy who booms as a booster and earns him cocktails okay so the intergalactic stakes are established then who we see saddling up with the bar it's America's hardthrob

Taylor Kitch this is the movie that was going to make Taylor Kitch a star yeah he had two bites the apple he had this one and John Carter of Mars yeah to strike show boy the end of the day yes bad bad luck with the projects but he just he had the small screen charisma he's zipped he's like John Hamm or Tom Jane guys who are really good on TV shows but just they can't carry a movie I'm sorry and you know no I actually like Taylor Kitch quite a bit I think I think he's good and you know obviously Tim Riggins lives in all of our hearts forever but sorry Taylor go back to Dylan Texas you'll you'll never get out

from under those Friday night lights and by the way I've seen seeing us how Peter Berg directed this movie also directed Friday night lights yes and produced the TV show Friday night lights the movie also features Jesse Plemons the lovable goofball Landry is in this movie as well and basically Taylor Kitch and Plemons play exactly their characters from Friday night lights yeah it is a very it's just it's not even a reskinning they just put them in different costumes like do you think it like the end of Friday night so they filmed their like last scene together Taylor Kitch was like oh man I'm gonna

miss hanging out with Jesse Plemons but like you know I'm headed for the stars and he's just gonna be like you know he's gonna kick around a few shitty movies and end up being killed off mid-season in an HBO series we're just not even gonna be on the same level I won't be seeing much of him I guess and Jesse Plemons has lapped him a thousand times yeah Jesse Plemons has kicked him into the ground and shoveled dirt on his knees Mary Kirsten doesn't yeah wait was he known for an Oscar for a power of the dog no oh he was yes he was okay but he was Plemons has been killing it yeah Plemons has given Plemons is

honestly an avatar of all like slightly to majorly overweight guys with much hotter wives and girlfriends so to him I'd off my cap I salute you sir absolutely Taylor Kitch could not even make it through the entire worst season of true detect that was one of the worst seasons of prestige TV I've ever seen and they were still like Taylor Kitch get out of here you were in battleship you you were the lynchpin of battleship so sort of you know a charming bad boy with a heart of gold Taylor Kitch is having a drink at the bar it's his birthday he's being toasted by his older brother the kind of fly straight do well achiever in life

yeah a captain he's a Navy captain Navy captain they're in Pearl Harbor yes play they're in Hawaii they're at a bar in Hawaii he is a Navy captain played by Alexander SARS guard and he's going like you know hey hey bro like I know things looking down for you now but like here cheers to adversity bro yep and he's pepping him up and he's like God time is time just get straight and he's like I don't want to and he's kind of wavering what do I do then this decision is made for him when 2012 hottest woman on earth now for you zoomers listening Brooklyn Decker so there was there used to be this position in American culture

with the large breasted hot blonde yep Jenny mrs. Hartley Pam Anderson there was always one and like the rules would interlap a little bit but like you could see it's like a passing of the chain and yes the last one we had was Kate Upton they stopped making them after that the one before Kate Upton though was Brooklyn Decker and then this was her peak in the round this time she was in this movie she was in I believe a Adam Sandler film she made a little bled a step for acting bona fides didn't really work the movies were not successful she married Andy Roddick and just not just as I as I thought Kate up to Mary Justin

Verlander same thing she also hottest white woman with big boobs on earth had a few movies didn't do so good married married an athlete married a pro athlete yep now what were these women used for zoomers ask well perhaps this was your dad's wallpaper on his home office computer that got him horny enough to create you that one night September 2000 okay so yeah in walks Brooklyn Decker and Taylor Kitch is just like oh bro like you know I gotta have her you know and he like saddles up to the bar makes his move he's trying to impress her she all he wants from the bar is a chicken burrito but she's hungry she's hungry kids

is close sorry so Taylor Kitch you know sort of like like I said rugged bed but he takes it upon himself he's like you just wait here five minutes I'll get you chicken burrito so like runs outside like the 7-eleven or whatever some some some spoo some goosome jackass style hijinks ensue as he breaks into the 7-eleven to you know pay for but still commit you know unlawful and trespass and entry and property destruction of a business he gets her a 7-eleven but like he fucks it up the cops get called they chase him back to the bar they they tase his ass down and like but like not before he gives her a damn chicken

burrito so this physical comedy scene it would it evoke the I would say maybe one of the first five movies ever made that's what I felt like I was watching yeah arrives at 7-eleven that's what yeah I think Peter Berg was really just like flexing that silent film comedy muscle so you know you know he's rough around the edges but he she's got he's got spunk charisma leadership when he's who needs that that's right the Navy yeah so it's like the next morning he's hungover as all their brothers build him out of jail she's like oh bro they tase me bro and he's just like yeah but they also took you to Burger King cuz

you're damn white and I'll remind you your privilege is why you're alive right now you need to check your privilege and chip up straighten up just out of listening bro you're going to the Navy boom oh seven years later battleship okay was it seven years seven years okay so seven years later they're back in Hawaii they've actually never left Hawaii oh yeah his entire career in Hawaii Taylor Kitch by the way all his older brother's name is Stone Hopper Stone Hopper captain Stone Hopper and Lieutenant Luke Alex Hopper Lieutenant Alex Hopper he is he is now dating and has been dating for quite a quite some

time Brooklyn Decker who is the daughter of the Admiral Admiral Shane played by Liam Neeson who I guarantee you showed up to film this movie over a weekend and he was like you got me for 48 hours like real time 12 hours set time make the most of it it would be funny if this is the movie that like cause Liam Neeson to have that memory about trying to kill a black guy in Ireland looking for a black guy who assault because his friend was yeah that was he was basically playing battleship in real life he's walking down right he was walking down random streets and is like oh is there a black guy on C3 what about B7 and lucky

for everyone you know he didn't he lost thank goodness I very much enjoy him coming into movies where he's hello I'm Liam Neeson member of the United States Army I'm sorry Navy what is it what are far some eye in this anyway I'm an American that's the thing to remember to be a part of majesty is a real name I mean the United States Navy okay so why is everyone back in Hawaii well it's it's a good if you're if you're a battleship head if you're a naval vessel head that you know you're all about the 75th annual RIMPAC naval game rim job naval yeah the rim check the rim the RIMPAC naval games it's like I never miss it it's a giant

war game held between the United States Japan's tiny self-defense Navy and the country of Malaysia apparently those are the three countries involved in the RIMPAC naval games watch out China and what are you doing they're playing a soccer game they're playing a soccer game against the Japanese team and two countries known for their love of soccer Japan and the United States it's ridiculous when they play base ball I feel like with that like Peter Berg has to have like a son who's really into song yeah yeah that's the money that's the like suburban deadness coming out yeah oh oh Chunter you're making the Dartmouth

soccer team we're gonna put a big soccer soccer scene in the battleship movie so like you know Taylor Kitch is like you know yeah he's on the pitch it's a bloody masterclass you know but they're down he has a chance to make a penalty shot to like win the game but like there's some a bit of unsportsmanly like conduct by his rival Japanese player played by the great Japanese actor Tata nobu Asano who you right might remember from such films as Ichi the killer cafe Lumiere Martin Scorsese silence and one of my favorite movies of all time Curio Shikurisawa's bright future those are all movie mindset

recommendations if you'd like to check them out so basically he gets in a fight with the Japanese guy he blows the game and blows the penalty kick because he's too damn headstrong he can still wants to win you got to be stubborn you're so stubborn mr. This is brother basically as you have to stop being stubborn if you want to improve yeah he's like I'm setting you up for character development right now basically the United the US Navy soccer team loses to the Japanese soccer team at Pearl Harbor very shameful what we see next though is even more shameful when we see the real veterans okay oh yeah this is really

exciting to kick off the rim job naval games Admiral Shane you know is on the deck of the USS Missouri the ship in which you know the Japanese surrendered to the United States at the end of World War two is a nice own yeah very much very much and the Taylor kids in Brooklyn Decker like they show up and he's like oh they're late I'm gonna ask I'm gonna ask your dad's permission for marriage but you know I'm too damn headstrong and cocky and I don't know if he'll give me permission so they show up late and nieces addressing the crowd and he's like we're we're honored to be joined here today by some of the

finest men who have ever served in the United States Navy and they cut to like you know the the real World War two veterans who served on the Missouri during World War two now at this point in the movie I was I think Felix you were hoping they were actors portraying World War two veterans we were not that lucky and but now like I mean Peter Berg Mr. Troop sucker he loves the troops so much so I think he insisted on yeah he insisted we need to make this to honor the troops they said hey you want to make a movie about a board game Peter and he said only if it honors the troops and boy does I mean oh boy is there a okay

imagine you're born in 1922 you lived through the Great Depression you seven of your best friends who are also your brothers are turned into just fucking puddles and ground chuck in front of you in Okinawa you have five kids one of them absolutely dies due to a lawnmower thing because it's the 50s and 60s one of your grandsons is you know used an anti-ecstasy propaganda because he instantly died when he took you know something in a pill in 1999 that we shaped like Lucky Charms and then 13 years later you are blessed with the final thing you'll ever remember being in Peter Berg's battleship what a great

American life it's all worthwhile oh man um so then you know till our kids is like he was like oh like I just need five minutes of your dad to the do the old fashion but traditional thing to ask his permission to marry you but he doesn't get a chance to do that before he gets in a damn a damn Donnie Brooke with was I'm sorry with a Tata noble asano the the the his his jab his brash Japanese counterpart they get in the bathroom fight yep they get the bathroom out in the bathroom and then they go before you know Admiral Liam Neeson and he choose him out and he's like you know Taylor like Taylor Kitsch Admiral

Hopper no sorry lieutenant Alex Hopper you know enjoy these enjoy these rim job enjoy this rim job because it's gonna be your last one you ever get in the Navy yeah you're gone you're you're you're you're you're out of here bud but like what I was wondering though is that like after dedicating these rim-pack naval games to the veterans of the USS Missouri on board the USS Missouri he's gonna drum a lieutenant out of the Navy for beating up a Japanese guy I gotta tell you my grandfather was an officer in the Navy and he did not let's just say he did not have fun feelings towards Japanese people certainly not members

of their Navy their self-defense Navy yeah well how would a man from Northern Ireland the Imperial Navy but still you get that you get my drift how would a man born and raised in Northern Ireland and made a Navy Admiral randomly one year feel about the Japanese probably ambivalence hey don't be one of those guys up in my bathroom so they set out knowing that a there's absolutely no way him and the Japanese guy are gonna become form some sort of like mutual respect and friendship no way either yeah sir to even imagine such a thing and then like also that like I mean his dreams of like you know a career in the

Navy and marrying the Admiral's daughter shit and it got done forget it no way out what a loser lost out what a loser he's just going back to being the 7-11 Oaf yeah he wasn't the beginning of the movie so they embark on the the naval games and oh I forgot I forgot we're introduced to another wonderful character in this movie the Rihanna I don't know what a character name is it's just Rihanna Rihanna's in the movie for some reason Rihanna's in the movie I think she wanted to just see what it's like to do acting and she decided it was boring like I'm making about a billion dollars off lipstick and

underwear like hanging around this set doesn't really do it for me I respect her for making that decision Peter Berg effectively deadened and siloed off any Rihanna acting career it's true yeah she was like enough with no need was she at any other movies I can't think of one in this movie she is plays one of the lower troops she's under the gunner she presses the button to blow things up and she says something sassy right beforehand usually not always which is annoying but usually and then she does banter with Landry and it's man it is all all the bands in this are just it's Friday night lights in a sealed garage

with a car running just dumber slower it's like it's supposed to be supposed to be like I'm sort of camaraderie yeah supposed to show it's supposed to show a sort of an ease amongst men at men at arms and you know members of a team yeah you know but in this case written by Chinese television it's awful yes yeah it's no recognizable human affect the only real connection I found a Friday lights in this is that the aliens resemble Buzz Bissinger and it's happy choices they're wearing huge boots I'm telling you the aliens only have one have your nipples twisted by your nipples twisted through your through a fucking

$10,000 cape captain you're gonna want to see this it's the aliens platinum amic statement so yeah I believe it one point the movie Rihanna compares Taylor Kitsch's brash Admiral to a combination of Donald Trump and Mike Tyson and no it's not just because of the many rapes he's given it no he's he's that's not true about Taylor Kitsch or Alex Hopper yeah it's weird to remember that Donald Trump was a cultural figure before he was always kind of a smack of that old stuff yeah all the rap songs where they're like I'm like Donald Trump you know yeah okay so and with the with the RIM pack natal games firmly afoot the

movie then takes time to set up the absolutely most dog shit death part of the plotline of the movie which features Brooklyn Decker as the physical therapist to a real-life troop who's like actually in real life has become a motivational speaker after getting cyborg legs after losing them in Afghanistan or Iraq this is the real Peter Berg troops sucking part of the movie and it's just you know like he's he's he works with injured vets and teaches them how to how to walk again and how to be a man again I gotta say having an entire section of this movie being a two-hander devoted to two

novices who don't know how to act was a really smart move on Peter Berg's part like if you're gonna have either of these people in this movie you pair them with an actor who knows what they're doing so they can kind of carry them along instead of just putting them both out there to absolutely flail away and having no idea what they're doing yet the motivational speakers acting I mean I'm not even sure in his abilities as a motivational speaker I certainly never heard of him wouldn't I mean wouldn't even to begin to describe it he just seems like granite there's just nothing there just like this vague pissed off

as this I wonder do people kill themselves after his speeches no like the only thing he's a firecracker just sounds like a vaguely like if he sounds like a vaguely pissed off robot like a robot that's really annoyed that you booted him up yeah no these are just these intermodal scenes but you know we get some spice later on in those scenes in the form of a nerd the one the one thing I like about this plotline here is I love the idea that you're so like like you're missing limbs you're some like PTSD fried jarhead and then they get you they send you to a hospital in Hawaii and they're like here is like the

hottest woman you've ever seen and she's like hi I'll be your physical therapist it's like why don't we feel sorry for these guys again why is John Stewart fucking crying about these dudes yeah pretty good deal your free robot legs and your valkyrie who's gonna help you learn how to use them yeah it's like okay if you work in like I don't know it's fucking a racer plant what job could you lose your limb at in America anymore we don't really have like a lot of factories okay let's say you work your work you work at LA apparel you work at the last factory in America the LA apparel factory in Los Angeles and you

lose your arm in the t-shirt machine it's just like alright here's some aspirin back to work asshole well I mean at this point in the movie you've seen a lot of kind of like you know like satellite like the CGI like you know satellites and orbits like sending signals and shit when are we gonna see the aliens well indeed then at this point in the movie the aliens show up while they're out rim jobbing each other there was a jobbing in the fucking Pacific Ocean and some aliens show up on the planet the nerd character played by Hamish Linklater he is like he's like oh sir you're on with the White House now and he's like well

what these are information like essentially it's a plot device in the movie that the alien communication mothership kind of crashes crashes and it breaks up upon re-entry and like a huge chunk of it takes out like a half of Hong Kong yeah so more anti-Chinese propaganda yes and so the rest of these ships are without communication technic technic ability which does not seem to me to scan I'm sorry I mean yes we need a giant array to send them a message but they got here on a ship like they have that capacity I wouldn't they be able to communicate with their mother's planet with like a

fucking cell phone realistically but whatever they need to have them out of communication with so that they can't bring any more ships after that so they gotta have the thing smash into Hong Kong okay I see the argument you're making what I think it is very conceivable given the logic of the movie that one could make the rather small logical leap that this alien civilization yes they've mastered interstellar travel but they've put the rest of their technology into into peg launching and not into interstellar communications they're doing the pegs folks we love the pegs okay so oh yeah and then like in

the sort of like the White House situation room we get wubbubble charming character the great Peter McNichol you might remember from Ghostbusters too where you where are you from and of course your favorite character from Veep Jonas uncle Jeff Kane he's one of the really one of the funniest characters in the latest uses of it Jeff Kane what an amazing character and he should have just played that they yeah they should have been the same character in this movie oh my god everyone in this movie deserve the Jeff Kane treatment yeah so the other alien ships they learn in the Pacific Ocean the rim job

naval games needs to be diverted to investigate and like they're sort of wanting to go is this an exercise they got to look at it through their binoculars there's there's you know there's them dang alien obelisks sticking out at the ocean what are you gonna like we're gonna take we're gonna go take a gander well okay so like they're like so in the rim pack fleet there are there are three destroyers one of them is captain by Alexander Stonhooper yeah Stonhooper Stonhooper when there's also no ship with Japanese ship and then there's another destroyer yeah there are three destroyers in the fleet that they

send to investigate the alien obelisks they send Taylor kitchen Rihanna on like a little little zip boat little speedboat to the only novelist and at this point in the movie I was sort of struck by like I think it's I think because there's a little mini gun on the boat they're looking pretty fly and I was just thinking like I think it's cool that nowadays the Navy lets you wear that kind of like cool digital camouflage instead of like those sailor outfits yeah they got rid of the that like the goofy bell-bottom deal I don't know he could take them seriously well they may select that they make you wear those when you

like meet the president and you're not an officer yeah they're like yeah here go dress up like a girl because you have to meet Obama if you're you know if you're at war you get to look like you know a Marine or a soldier or whatever I mean you know what happened is is that they saw the cool digital camo and all the other branches and they're like we look like assholes well yeah we haven't in a nice blue a shade of blue yeah it was the only remaining uniform that just you looked like a fucking goofball yeah oh so at this point Taylor Kitch they you know they they slide up to the alien obelisk and at this point Taylor

Kitch displays why he should not just have been drummed out of the Navy but probably put in the brig and sent to Leavenworth as well like a complete moron he touches the obelisk gets blown up and wakes up the the alien battleships and at this point Felix you said the performance of the Navy in this movie and Taylor Kitch sort of reminded you of those sailors that Iran scooped up and gave juice boxes to that was one of the greatest events in naval history because they didn't even like there is this weird story about this woman who was in the I think she was in the Navy she was a Navy officer and she defected to Iran and

allegedly after she defected she tried to like interrogate these soldiers or these sailors rather when they were captured but it doesn't really seem like they got it doesn't seem like these guys would have known anything yeah it seemed like just a way for the Iranians to be like ha ha we're giving your guys juice boxes and making them more blankets probably why they killed Soleimani that was pretty embarrassing for the US military well the US Navy gets embarrassed at this point but to be fair they're not going up against Iran they're going up against a vastly technologically superior alien civilization again superior superior

to a degree that can't even be contemplate conceived of technologically in one sense because they got here but in terms of their like weapons in terms of the same thing they are a bear pair American military it's absolutely we'll discuss their weapons in a second but basically like before before the alien battleships emerge the obelisks cover this like huge circumference of the Pacific Ocean in a force field which you know blots out all radar and communications for like hundreds of miles and like in cases traps all these ships on a battleboard a grid if you will something like that and then Taylor

you know Alexander Starr's guard his ship gets out well the thing is like you have to get okay the alien war technology they fire pegs yep the little plugs from the game battleship they fire those shoot them in the air they're like and then they spin into these ships and they sort of like punch and punch into the ship and then when they hit they go in farther and then the whole thing blows up like in the game yeah in the game and this was the saddest part of the entire movie this was right when we paused and realized this movie was not 87 minutes long as it should have been designed to be and we did in fact

have over an hour to go this is the emotional like the emotional dead center of the movie yeah and that's when you finally get hey remember the battleship no we've they finally remind you remember it's just like the game hey the premise I think the movie did a beautiful job of depicting the game of battleship absolutely the throwing the pegs in the air knocking the board over not frustrated no fucking boring it is yeah and Alexander Starr's guard that is his last memory you know is losing battleship to the aliens but at no point does anyone say you sunk my battleships no one there's a line there's a line

that gets close to that at the end of the movie we'll get to that but you cannot not have that in the movie I'm sorry so basically the the the sort of more upright older brother who's sort of like trying to keep Taylor kits on the straight narrow he gets blowed the fuck up his whole ship goes down he's fucking destroyed him and all his men dead dead going to Davy Jones's locker so kits gets back to his ship I forget oh this he's on another battle ship I don't fucking know he was destroyed just one on the Japanese or he went on the other destroyer and then the Japanese ship also got owned by the pant the plugs and

then he decides he is going to kamikaze dot attack yeah he they pull him back on his ship and they're like they're like he's like like where's the captain they're like sir you're the captain you're the highest ranking officer like left alive we need orders we need orders sir and they're like surveying the the smothering wreckage of their two other battle two other destroyers I thought those are those are Ali Burke class destroyers how do you know they're seeing this Leviathan alien fucking dreadnought bearing down on them and they're like sir sir we need orders and he's like we want an order here's an order full

attack full steam ahead ram into the ship let loose all guns at this thing and at this point there should have been a mutiny yeah they should have thrown his ass overboard this is an immediate immediately surrendered to these aliens given up yeah it's the same be like the keel mutineers of 1917 it's like they killed my brother yeah he was the what's the suicide it was a ship yeah so it's like oh so like the whole movie is supposed to be about this guy being tested and then finding his character and it's like oh here it is he's a psycho nihilist demon willing to kill everyone in his own ship and at one point the

thing that stops him is that somebody says hey there's survivors of the Japanese ship there's sailors in the water should we go and get them and at first he's like no fuck them first I want them to drown and everyone in my ship to die just so that I could I could express how sad I am that my brother got blown up with no indication that they even have the capability of harming the aliens yes like failure through and through and finally they like snap it into home and he's like oh yeah I won't do that and then they disengage and then somehow they just stop fighting for a while and things just other stuff

happens and then it's nighttime I think you could sum up 75 to 80% of the movie with other stuff happens yeah well and and and Tom and Noble Osano is alive he's not dead he's I thought he was dead earlier they pull him out of the boat with the other survivors but at this point in the movie we should be talking about the the aliens they got another trick up this sleeve they got another weapon in their arsenal that weapon not featured in the original battleship board game and I was very upset about this for those like what this is not canon the alien dude there is not canon there are no there are no buzz balls in the game of

battleship but the alien in this movie they think launch buzz balls they got buzz balls it was buzz balls at military and civilian infrastructure in Honolulu and all over Hawaii the buzz balls Matt I think I think you could hit the nail head on the head here they are like the slightly upgraded version of the Langoliers yeah Stephen King's the Langoliers have you seen that TV miniseries the sort of writhing masses of teeth that consume the past and everything in it yeah that's what they look like and they just launched them seemingly at random they show you inside the buzz ball so you know that it's

guided by some sort of intelligence as it's sipping around and it goes up to a kid on a baseball field because it goes into it gets launched all the way into Hawaii and it stops in front of this kid and it like oh the kid the kid in its vision is like greens it's like oh then I'm not gonna hit the kid instead I'm going to bulldoze over the support beams of this fucking eight-lane highway that's got hundreds of fucking cars on it so again we're like these aliens are just us we're thin small fig leaf of like oh we can't do that and then just otherwise allowing us to do whatever we want kill over

like one of our drone operators is like oh there's one individual child that would be out that would violate the laws of war like like here's it here's a here's a like a water purification facility that has like some maybe technical militaries we'll blow that up and kill thousands of you know or an entire highway overpass it's gonna crush a school bus but you know hey look we didn't try to kill those kids we didn't know they were just ten years ago Elon must saw this movie and was like oh my god I know how our self-driving car system is gonna work it's exactly the same thing no the Elon Musk's self-driving

car we do the opposite it would just blouse straight through that kid on the highway hit the kid do a pit maneuver turn it go into the other lane hit a water purification plant blow up the buzz balls are so baffling and to me they wreak of some studio executive in the chain and during the making of this movie who just got it in his head that that would be cool and like it made them do it because otherwise I don't know where they came from what what's the point of them they don't do anything the pegs I get they're stupid but it makes sense yeah from the game what are the buzz balls because they don't figure into

anything they don't do anything you know I gotta say God bless fortnight because okay everyone makes fun of how fortnight now is now it's like the the kitchen sink drain for all culture things that you can't spin off into their own thing necessarily so it's like predator goku predator Darth Vader Homer Simpson they're everyone chef from South Park they're all fighting each other they're all shooting laser beams and man I'd like to have a huge hitbox no thank you yeah now you don't want to play as him but they I think that has prevented more of these movies from being made you can just put the buzz ball

in fortnight right if you're via com or whatever you'll be like hey we're gonna license you the buzz ball idea for 17 million dollars and you don't have to make this movie you can finally kill peter burg the buzz balls battleship the fact that they realized that if they spent they wasted more money making this movie it would actually be profitable for a tax purposes or they would lose less money if they spent more money making it the fact that it got made to begin with is this another is another movie where you have to ask yourself like the iron clad the ironclad proposition that when faced with many movies in Hollywood was

everyone on cocaine at every stage of making this movie if it was on if they weren't cocaine this would be more fun I think this is like Ritalin perhaps yeah that's the thing it's the cocaine the great action films of the 80s 90s were cocaine now it's just Ritalin now it's just yeah homework addicts yeah Don Simpson would not wipe off a bronzer with this script okay at this point in the movie it's back to Brooklyn Decker and the truth guy I'm like whatever aliens alien soldiers land on Hawaii and okay like at this point in the movie I was like look if it's if it's like a sort of an ocean-based like naval combat

movie I can fuck with that I like I like I like Navy ship shooting fucking cannons at each other and like those awesome like the mini guns that they used to shoot missiles when they did a fire to the ship those things are awesome but the movie truly does grind to a halt not just when Brooklyn Decker and the guy with no legs are on screen but when they attempt to show the aliens is anything other than just like large piece like large robot engines on an ocean yeah they have they show the aliens a lot and they do they are just like people they have four fingers instead of five and they have like these spiky

beards kind of they look like Wes Borland but otherwise they basically are just people with sort of reptile eyes and when they're on land you they act so they their interactions with humans are very weird sometimes they're just murdering them like nothing and then other times they're sort of like just humoring them and sort of patting them on the head and ignoring them it that none of it makes sense but this is when the boring ass troop and his boring ass PT lady find the nerd a Hamish link letter who is the most annoying version of this character I think I've ever seen in a movie every thing he says is I am

a whiny bitch who wants you should kill me why am I alive that's every line of dialogue um at the same time as this is on pelvic on the island of Hawaii and like there's nothing this is this the guy with no legs this is his first day of physical therapy I think so I don't know this is like Brooklyn Decker is like okay well let's let's hike up a mountain in Hawaii but yeah but yeah I just got these fucking legs put on me yeah but he keeps saying how the mountain is nothing to him and how it's oh yeah my grandmother could fly climb this and she's dead fuck you he's just very hostile very unpleasant man I think you're

supposed to be like oh yeah because he got his legs blown off but you know as Felix kept yelling at the screen while we were watching this nobody made you do that yeah no he is acting like he got drafted the opposite happened you were like I really want a communications degree perhaps a that that cool dodge station wagon not even a charger um while this is happening on the island of Hawaii back inside the battle the battleboard inside the force field Taylor kitchen company have have fished an alien soldier out of the water so boy we're gonna see some more of this and at this point in the movie they have like an

unconscious alien soldier and he's in sort of like his mech suit or whatever and they're all looking at it Landry's doing quips and on Rihanna has my favorite line in the movie where he looks at the she looks at the alien and she says my dad said they would come my whole life her father that's right Whitley Shriver and his book communion is this when we came up with the idea of the post credits like goof him up see a sequence of just like how we had the real Pearl Harbor veterans we're gonna have real unit 731 veterans vivisecting the alien soldiers and sewing them together

again and this part of the movie the alien soldier of course wakes up he grabs Taylor Kitch and in a blatant blatant shameless ripoff of independence day upon being touched by the alien Taylor Kitch is sort of like in his mind's eyes telepathically sees their whole plan which is to do the board of game battleship as on every planet I mean I don't really get it because he never says what he never and the images are it's like kind of a recapitulation was I don't I never got anything related to the aliens at all the alien runs amok on the destroyer they fight the alien it uses it sort of

like a red you're dead green you're feeling pretty keen system to assess the technology among humans like horseshoes safe gun the red bad kill and then Taylor Kitch distracts it while Rihanna points a giant cannon and then blows it away before saying mahalo motherfucker mahalo motherfucker and she blows she blows the alien away with it with it with it a cannon from a destroyer yeah he's got his home suit on at that point with its is read out his digital read out helmet and he cannot hear or see a fucking cannon moving towards his head a foot from it yeah I would say that the aliens were sent by an alien Donald

Rumsfeld they were ill-prepared for this war I mean maybe that's the way you imagine it you're like these guys are like us you know it's like they're just the intergalactic fuck-up versions of us like all these guys just want to dodge dodge challengers too I mean shit like we lost the Vietcong yeah that's true yeah we were vastly but again see the problem I have with that is just a conceptual level it assumes that like the distance between this society and one that has the ability to travel for interstellar is like not that big it's so big yeah we would have to be so different any society would

have to be so vastly different to get there to just have such a paucity of imagination which is like yeah no they're just like us at this point it's sort of like they reveal that the aliens around Hawaii because there's like some fucking like steady like satellite this array on a mountain and like they've lost their communication ship and they need to use the same satellite system that we used to send the signal to planet top G and rotates war room they're held by and rotates mage so the aliens need to communicate back with planet G they need to establish a line of communication as the the motivational

speaker combat veteran says most important part about any battle establishing lines at communication or as the nerd says you're saying ET wants to phone home this was a cue for the audience to kill them so this is certainly what I felt and at this point in the movie on Landry Jesse Plemmons there was some convoluted story about his pet lizard and after putting on the alien helmet and realizing something about the visor he told Taylor kits that like he had a pet lizard and he took the beach one day which is a bad idea because the lizards eyes couldn't handle direct sunlight or

something like that yeah so he he he intuits that on the aliens their weakness that's right sunlight this is on baby that is the thing I don't get okay so the aliens have a weakness of sunlight if you're going to fight a war on a planet that is famous for its access to sunlight wouldn't you have a plan to like block it out while you're trying to take over the planet well here's the thing I think the assumption of the filmmakers and I honestly think I saw some like read some articles about this movie when it came out because it was such a hilariously misconceived notion the theory they had was like well this isn't

an invasion force this is a reconnaissance force so they weren't necessarily planning on going to fight they just had to mix up where the thing crashed and now they kind of have to but even then again that level of technology you're gonna have always a contingent for the sun exists um the aliens are trying to hijack the satellite but then back back on board the ship they have to come up with a way how do we how do we fight these alien dreadnoughts how do we how do we even fire our our cruise missile how do we fire our missiles and use any of our offensive weapons systems against them

if all our radar is knocked out at that point awesome though is beginning to tell Captain Taylor Kitch about some sort of like I'm sonar based like detection system that the Japanese the training Japanese self-defense Navy has been using against the US Navy in some sort of capacity that wasn't really there get it get an edge up on those rim job in the rim job we want to win those games he's like what it is is that they're able to connect to a network of tsunami detecting buoys ah yes that's it that are all out there and that are there to they measure you know waves so that if there's big increase that can

let people know ahead of time and they're all out there in a grid pattern and they got a signal that goes through the all of them so that they can read when they see a change in time changing waves as the alien ships which are always and what is that we have that's right second battleship mention of the film that's right folks all your favorite battleship core and so there I was pointing at the screen yo I did like though I'm when I'm also now is explaining there there is so in our detection system to tell her kids like giving him the keys to defeat the aliens tell her kids like I don't have time for this or the war bullshit and

he's like that book shiny is asked wrong country you just had to find the biggest one in the content okay then cut back to the island of Hawaii and like okay this scene he talks about like I think this scene really on does sum up Peter Berg's attitude towards like the military and our relationship to the military because they're like the nerd has established that he can establish communications with the naval fleet and order in you know a barrage of a shelling of the satellite network of the satellites on the mountain side so the aliens can't contact their home planet and he's like well yeah I could

go out if I go to my lab but my lab is crawling with alien soldiers and like you know I can't do that I'm just the scientist and at that point but the half-man motivational speaker is just like you are you were you were going over the top like you're doing he basically is ordering the civilian on a suit I go to his death yeah no training and there's a reason why he goes you will acquire the courage to do this yep and I just think of that in the light of Peter Burke the insane interview that Peter Burke gave to promote this movie where he berated an ill or Israeli journalist to to sign up and join the

military got join the army got join up got join up Chris you've been edit in the audio of that and insane hectoring of this Israeli movie critic or whatever which is pretty funny to begin with if you attack Iran now they're gonna fight you back right there's gonna be blood Israelis will die right yes no question would you rather take that now or let them get a nuclear bomb it's the most serious issue facing our planet today well more so than the movie battleship which I'm very excited to have direct data I love Rihanna she's a great actress and did a wonderful job in the film and my dad was a Navy

historian and have you been in the Israeli army no what how'd you get out of that are you a draft dodger how old are you 25 you've got to join the army motherfucker well yeah it's a lot it's a lot it's a lot I'm Jason Jason what hold Jason hold don't you have hold doesn't sound Jewish well my dad's Jewish my dad is too you don't have to join the Israeli army you do well how when are you gonna join we're not having this conversation it's like I was bothered it's like Peter Burke calm down you were in the last seduction not the battle at show sin reservoir okay he was he by the way not a veteran and this is

the thing what's the deal you're like you see you didn't even join up what is this dad was a Marine so this is all edible fucking drama it's all bourgeois fantasy bullshit a real fucking veteran would not make a movie like this like and we know that because like Samuel Fuller yeah he would not he would not disgrace the other the experience of war yeah with like a using the using the historical lens of the battle like the the war in the Pacific during World War 2 to make a Hasbro films board game yeah there's also a giant recruitment poster from the Navy and I and the thing is if he did if he was like taking a check he

would not have done this neurotic suck job on the military as part of it he would have the confidence not to do that yeah but we don't get like guys like Sam Fuller to direct movies anymore it's all coddled brats who never had any other job so at this point the destroyer uses the the battleship sonar detective system to do combat with the alien dreadnoughts it's a miss it's a miss like oh they're like you have to lead them you ass all yeah and finally wouldn't that be the first thing you learn in the Navy like that your fucking missiles aren't hit scan yeah but they never had to do it with the grid before

that's true they're making it up as they go along that's true and they eventually do hit and blow up one of the alien ships um at this point in the movie I was getting bored and I took a mild disassociative so the rest of the plot becomes a little bit more than it comes a little bit vague to me so Taylor kitchen and and yeah tell a kitchen asano use the son to snipe the alien ship and blind them yeah I mean like these aliens stink they are no these are the worst aliens I think of all time was their plan was to take over the whole planet before the sun came out or something I mean like I said even if

they even if it's just like a reconnaissance like they do just they get rinsed it's embarrassing like these guys had to have been like like like members of like McNamara's morons yeah of that planet it's embarrassingly terrible these are aliens who like never took the alien SATs yeah this is like a lowering of alien recruiting standards like okay if it's reconnaissance force they didn't they didn't recon anything because they all died what are what are they gonna come back with oh they have an ocean yeah we already knew that because that's where we fucking dropped your ship into you fucking idiots oh Scotland

exists oh if you crash into Hong Kong you'll kill a bunch of people in an apartment building holy shit thank you guys for your sacrifice shitty just shittiest aliens of all time I will admit this was the point in the movie where I spent 30 minutes looking for projectors to buy you got one though I did buy one so you know that is one thing this movie has going for it okay so Taylor the lieutenant Taylor Kitch's ship gets eaten by buzz balls they make it to the life the lifeboats and they limp back into Pearl Harbor feeling you know the feeding like what are we gonna do and Austin it goes we have no more

ships until our kids goes we got one that's right the U.S.S. Missouri and they realize they're on board the ship and they're like like but this ship is over 50 years old it's firing systems are analog and who are we gonna get the crew this thing and then one by one they just see pop up out of like the little gun supports and fucking like like gangplanks to this ship it's the like you know the actual World War two veterans all 80 plus another another bad military actor another ACDC song you said this is worse than the bonus army what they're doing to these military veterans absolutely absolutely like this

is deeply insulting I mean to everyone and my heart sank my heart sank when I heard them speak and realized they're not they're they're acting is too shitty and wooden these are actual guys who are in the war probably and Peter Berg scoured his personal connections to find these guys and just fucking herded these senile guys around for what's it just scale I think probably nothing else and gave them their last memory they probably died instantly after yeah I mean they did this movie with aliens because there is no naval power on earth that the United States can plausibly fight against yeah so you can't really do it

contemporary and presumably they didn't do it in World War two because they thought that would have cheapened it somehow by making that about World War two by having these vets in it it's way worse than if they just made it about World War two regular people with regular actors or old men instead of someone who's fought at the battle of yeah do you think like if any of those guys like died in Hawaii while they were filming at Peter Berg's like oh I get to keep a skeleton I have the greatest war to memorabilia the skeleton of a guy who was really at Pearl Harbor I know I think of one more

Felix joke here at this this was the point when you said that the Japanese combatants in the impact naval games should have taken some of their old timers like Kamikaze pilots who pitched out or survive and give them a chance to redeem their honor that would have been awesome like that would have been an actual creative thing you could do with that scene where it's like the vet the American vets and the Japanese vets like lock eyes and it's like oh my god okay you like you would have been really good that would have been awesome and then the old dudes just smash into the side of the alien ship yeah that would have been

awesome but no like not creative enough or yeah then or unit 735 dissecting them again a 731 some fuck 731 dissecting there's so many creative things you could do here that he just refused to and it's not out of respect for the veterans we know that because he put them in battle what he did have is he had one of those veterans say while they're do well the battleship is duking it out with the last alien ship they're not gonna sink this battleship no way that is just with it that is the whole rousing climax of this movie we get you know you get you get plemins you get reama doing some fucking doing some riffs with these

these old timers you know they're like I imagine what got what got left on the cutting room for there yeah they had they had to have a sensitivity reader on oh my god the set for that one they had to keep grandpa distracted the fucking hat guy probably guessed 49 different races that we haven't even heard categorized since 1957 are you a circadian deer there was a belly dancer in Morocco who had your eyes I'm married a 14 year old nothing I say is worse than putting them in this movie correct yeah I'm sorry and okay so like the rousing climax of this movie is sort of like the the the the

young top guns of the of today's modern Navy teaming up with World War two veterans to fight an alien battleship with the historic USS Missouri now I sort of I view the I view the climax of this movie as kind of the cinematic equivalent of those like news stories that you see go viral every so often there is something like this 83 year old man has been bagging groceries for 30 years his community pitched in and bought him a car so he can keep bagging groceries and I just think like it's like this isn't rousing and heroic they shouldn't have to be doing this like they feel honored yeah okay their services

being honored you you you you snoots I'm sure honestly the thing is they probably all had a very nice I'm sure they did they like they got to be they got to meet me I've never met really that would be awesome yeah that would be sick it was like in the moment it was a nice moment it was it was it was it was you know what it was a trip outside the house I'm sure they appreciated it that's true do you think like do you think they gave them anything like fun I think they probably did yeah like maybe you know they probably brought some celebs over to say hi to them no I mean but like you know one of those gift baskets where it's

like a swag bag yeah yeah yeah oh they never really gave him some swag at some warby Parker well okay okay okay now I feel better about it probably gave him cool bomber jackets the movie oh Matt you have the Conair crew jacket giving them cool battleship crew jackets I have that this is us crew jacket Jim gave me that oh really yeah yeah Jim gave it to me oh wow that's brutal wonder no it's a great gift no it's amazing I want to I want that now it just it simply does not get cold enough here yeah that's true but I'll take it home for Christmas all right so basically they they're on the USS Missouri and

they use the art of war as referenced again he and are they used yeah they're selling you the award but blinding your opponents he does he does this deal where he's moving in one direction and they're shooting they're launching their they're the pegs at him again but then he drops anchor and it like snaps the ship out of the trajectory it was on and the all the ships miss and then it comes the whole ship comes broadside so that it's all of its guns are facing yeah and of course that's where you go they press the button and here's what here's the annoying thing for me a little personal noise so three times in this movie

Rihanna says something or presses a button that blows something up and the first time she says Mahalo mother boom second time she just goes boom third time nothing the climactic one and they blow them up the ship sinks they blow up the alien ship congratulations congratulations aliens they did indeed sink the alien battleship I'm trying to think what this is the equivalent of like a human getting like killed by like a family of squirrels I'm sure it's possible but you really have to fuck up for that to happen I've been like back in the island of why like the injured vet the nerd and Brooklyn Decker they

fight in hand-to-hand combat what are you have a fist fight with an alien as you described him Felix like basically the elites from Halo yeah and this guy who's like literally taking walking classes beats the shit out of him yeah just annihilates him but the alien unfairly like is like oh what if I hit your hit your fucking your peg legs and you know knocks me to the ground and then boom here comes the nerd to the rescue yeah I thought Brooklyn Decker the nerd redeemed himself the nerd redeemed himself and once again like you know like Peter Berg giving a nerd a chance to justify his existence not because of

like you know like Felix to compare the money that went into training the motivational speaker and the money invested in like I don't know a top scientist or engineer and inter-satellite communications it doesn't seem like one would have to justify their life to the other and Peter Berg's moral calculus but also Felix you had an excellent excellent observation about how we know Peter Berg is an evil person right oh yeah yeah so when Peter Berg was on entourage he was portrayed as a cool badass nice man that's how you know in real life he is a monster who has probably killed people if not all the

veterans on this movie he may have had the first copy of COVID eight years ago and given it to all of them that is a hard and fast rule hard and fast rule if you were on entourage and you're portrayed in any way as cool playing yourself like playing yourself cool or like a bull you are a monster in real life but if you let yourself be played as an asshole you're awesome yeah the man Seth Green Jason Patrick I think who else was like an asshole an entourage if you're hearing this seven years from when we record this you know hit hit hit us at chopper trap house at Viacom comm and let us know if you would like to

replace Matt Chris frozen because I've never seen that show you know I'm not going to say it's a great show nor am I gonna say it's a bad one but I'm certainly gonna say it's a show you would watch to calm down after the sopranos after that one got y'all hyper yeah you're like oh what's gonna happen with Phil and then it's like oh is is Vincent Chase gonna fuck Scarlett Johansson and it's like probably he fucks every girl he wants Johnny drama he has a 40% success rate Jennifer are actually closer to 70% he also fucks every single girl he wants unrealistic Ari gold beautiful wife I don't remember

how many kids are a gold head probably to Lloyd his assistant I think he gets a boyfriend at the end the end of entourage there's a very confusing storyline where Vincent fucks Sasha Gray and she gets him addicted to cocaine and that's all you need to know so now you've seen it you get it now I got it now tell me who played themselves on entourage wasn't James Cameron was he playing James Cameron was portrayed as a nice guy but we know he's like kind of an asshole because he's like a Napoleon like Napoleon was probably an asshole that's true that's fine I don't care he I want him to be mean he has a lot to do

well I mean I mean I mean I think you can fairly compare the films of James Cameron to that of Peter Berg though I mean they're equal in many respects and that they were on entourage together yeah that's true Peter but Peter Berg next to James Cameron is like the humans versus the aliens in this movie yes God what what even I guess like an ant building a little fucking shrine out of twigs and I am pay well he's not even he's he is a mere shadow of Michael Bay I mean how could I help to be compared to Cameron yeah well I mean I think we're almost at the end of this movie basically Brooklyn Decker calls in the

fucking see she calls in the the the barrage of shelling to blow up the satellite system one giant shell and then move across the boat and then put into the big gun they stuff up that hole they blast off they blow up the satellite the aliens lines of communication cut off and then like but they fire the buzz balls at the USS Missouri and you think oh boy like another another historical landmark on to shit and you know Osano and Kitch they're like it was an honor serving with you salute as the buzz balls bear down on them but like nope the buzz balls are intercepted by naval aviators

by by Tom Pete Maverick himself because hey remember to Liam Neeson he's still here because the force field is now down and that means that the rest of the fleet can be can show up and they send in the the the fighters and they blow up all the buzz balls and then they fucking use all their guns and missiles and such on the ship and that's the end I want to point out when they're carrying the the torpedo or whatever to fire at the alien lines of communication it was a couple World War two veterans two Japanese guys and two like normal Navy guys which is all three types of people in this movie only characters in this

entire movie and you know they're all rewarded for their heroism captain Stone Cooper is you know posthumously awarded a medal for his valor and bravery and dying Taylor kits though I'm the guy who saved the earth from the alien invasion only given the silver star a fucking silver star the third best thing you can get like what do you need the only guys who get metal of metals of honor are like Navy seals where it's like oh your osprey crashed and you died and you didn't actually do anything but we're giving it to you after you died so your son can like go to war college so okay she gets the silver star from

admiral was admiral Shane Liam Neeson who in this movie they do make clear he is in charge of the Ohio fleet of the US Navy yeah Admiral Shane what a great name and then but then he asked Liam Neeson for his daughter's hand in marriage and Liam Neeson says no turns him down but then of course there's a bit of light hearted as a little way and he's saying I'll discuss the terms discuss it with chicken burrito yeah the thing is work the movie is ending and I'm just thinking what are you people so excited for you should all be just fucking like kissing each other and lying down and praying because you're

all going to die because okay you stop them from communicating but they know where they are they know where they went you are the ones who sent them the message and they do those guys showed up they'll just send more guys yeah so if there are more guys they will you will not catch them a wears they will annihilate you no more messages into deep space no more trying to contact alien civilizations read the three-body problem for more on this okay so one episode of entourage there's a big storyline over them getting medicinal weed okay and they get pulled over by an uncool cop and turtle in a moment of

like similar to what we saw in this movie like tactical awareness throws it down a sewer grate but this prevents this may prevent them from fucking three girls turtle has to fuck what is implied to be the least appealing one though because this was made in 2006 this means she has a normal body weight but he does fuck her so what do we learn from that but he also got the silver star team would have gotten a silver star yeah for fucking the woman who doesn't have an exposed rib cage that we know where the planet is they know where we are there we're fucked we are fucked in this world the next movie will be the end okay

now okay so now Mcdowell is on entourage not playing himself he's he's playing this character who's like supposed to be the greatest manager of all time which is not really a thing that exists right like no one would be like oh that's the best manager he's known for being a manager no there's famous ones but that's it yeah because he is Vince's manager oh and a Martin Landau played Robert Evans that was pretty good that was pretty good yeah he's his catchphrase or is like tick he would say we'd be like is that something you might be interested in like you go I bought this house for two

million dollars and I'm now it's worth 12 million is that something you might be interested in that was Peter Berg's battleship right and that we're still on entourage there's another episode where Ari is separated from his wife and he cries while looking at his screensaver to add some depth to the usually boisterous Ari gold based on Ari Emmanuel brother of Rama manual and Zeke a manual Zeke a manual the heart-circuit he wants everyone to die he wants yeah he wants Logan to run yeah he wants to kill everyone all right bye everybody all right on entourage season 7