Chapo Trap House - 716 - The Trump-Steak Redemption feat. Ike Barinholtz (3/20/23)

Episode Date: March 21, 2023

We’re joined by Celebrity Jeopardy! champion Ike Barinholtz to discuss Donald Trump’s potentially imminent arrest, the dismal state of the metaverse, the anti-vaxer quest for clean seed, and Ike��s new series with da god Mel Brooks, History of the World, Part II. Check out, History of the World, Part II, streaming now on Hulu: https://press.hulu.com/shows/history-of-the-world-part-ii/

I Was early it was early pandemic. I was doing speedballs every day, which is if people don't know that's melatonin and the Red Monsters hero That's what killed John Belushi. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Well, but yeah, it will kill an Albanian But someone with a stronger constitution may have survived Anyway, I was you know doing that and I was playing You detect a Miyazaki's masterpieces and the greatest FPS ever made Counter-Strike global offensive And I was like there has to be something more constructive than this I'd gained 45 pounds

It was incredibly fat And I was like why don't I would pay at this point $4,000 for zapato oil merchandise Yes, and there was none to be found. It's almost like it was a front company That like never really had any employees. There was never any any back stock I could buy So, yeah, I downloaded I downloaded like the first zapata logo I found off of google images and the website I used which is Yeah, it was a website that like, um, you use when you want to like Get like uniforms made for like a suburban little league or like volleyball team

I think once the bush family finds out about these ads, they're gonna sue you guys There's no copyright protection on zapata. We found out That we did look that up. We were worried about that for some reason They kind of lost he kind of lost interest in the company after the Bay of Pigs Quince Deli Yeah, let's just say I'd be looking forward to I'd be as they say I'd be looking forward to the discovery process in that In that lawsuit. Yeah So, where were you in Dallas? Where was your dad in Dallas? Uh, and the day Kennedy was killed. He was in Dallas, wasn't he? Interesting

Interesting, um Before we start the I just wanted to get the uh, to hear the rest of Matt's review of the new show east new york starring kimmy smiths and richard kind Okay, so, uh Felix was talking about how All the cop shows that are on now Because they're made in Hollywood by woke sickos Even though they're four midwest reactionaries. They're four basement dads But they're made by Hollywood sickos

So they have to do something about about the fact they're making shows that are what they all know from their twitter feed is Copa ganda So they know they're making that and so they have to adjust make sense of that to themselves I have to square that circle. So now there's a bunch of um plot lines on shows Where the war on drugs is being portrayed actually that was bad And then the cops get a chance to like fix it by being cops And I was talking about an episode of east new york, which is about it

Uh, uh precinct in east new york, brooklyn. It's got jimmy smiths as the as the captain Got a beautiful multiracial cast of patrol people and detectives Uh, and they're all working together rainbow coalition to make new east new york better and uh in an episode That I watched a legal weed dispensary in new york And in east new york got robbed of all the money they had in the safe 85 grand Which just ruined the whole company because you know, it was uh, it was they were in debt

So they're done for but the guy who uh Owned it was a guy who one of the cops investigating the robbery had put in jail for weed like 15 years ago and had Ben You know fucked by that and had to come back and like and now I got this legal weed thing and now i'm robbed now It's over and she's like i'm feels i'm sorry i'm sorry i did that and she spends the episode being like i can't believe I did that it's so fucked up And then of course though when she catches the bad guys at the end She is able to make sure that he gets the 85 grand back

So that his weed business can survive Uh, which is of course the most fantasy part of all of it because New york city will not ever get legal weed dispensaries. I don't care that they fucking legalized it What are you talking about matt? What are you talking about on every street corner of my neighborhood? There's a shop called the smoke zone That sells well, I wouldn't say it sells weed It sells it sells it sells products called like omega exotic snacks

omega death And you know you smoke a joint to that you'll have a full disassociative experience. It's awesome Also, if you listen the moral of the story is if you own a weed store You gotta hire the freaking tulsa king to watch that. Yes, you gotta protect. Yes martin stars He his his his cash was safe. I was just in i'm sorry I was just in new york city last week and uh, I was staying at my hotel and I saw the tulsa king himself staying there Nice, yeah, I'm pretty awesome thing to see having breakfast with like three beautiful blonde women Still got it. He's still got it. I'll five foot three of them

All right, well, let's let's start the show properly. It's monday march 20th, and uh, regular show but joining us this week is returning champion celebrity jeopardy Fucking winner par excellence celebrity jeopardy champion. Ike barenholz. Welcome back to the show Thank you boys. Remember, I need one more one more visit before I get my challenge coin. I think Uh, you defeated actually another, uh, chapeau multiple time guest pat nozwald. I know I'm not gonna stop I will not rest until all three celebrity jeopardy Participants in the finals are chapeau guests. So we got to get highdecker in there. Yes Um, I gotta say it was like it was like months ago when you were on celebrity jeopardy

I was uh staying with matt, you know, and we're jep heads. So we turn on tv. It's around seven o'clock We're rolling over abc turns on like, oh, oh a shit our point Ike's on celebrity jeopardy Not only we want celebrity jeopardy the episode that we saw you on was one of the worst massacres of the It was brutal opponents. It was a jail and rose and constants will I mean Uh, respect to them, but this was Ike I mean like you this was like a throw in the towel moment. You got it. Like they were like just stop answering questions Uh, jail and rose who I've always been a huge fan of And he turns to me at the end and he goes complete domination

It was very fun. I I'm a jep head my whole life I used to watch the celebrity jeopardy was back in like the 2000s. I feel like And uh, yeah, it was it was very exciting and that first game I got I got the first game was was the easiest one After that there was a little competition shank shanky gave me a little bit of a run for my money and then patent Is like this I when I saw patent's name when they gave me the list of celebs I just saw him. I was like, oh fuck like he's like the best at this shit. So um, I think there should be a different category for comedians Like comedians jeopardy because comedians, you know, uh growing up rejected by society unattractive You know, you have to develop a knowledge about the world in trivia

Um, unlike, you know gifted athletes or actors or things of that nature. Yeah, they were doing cool stuff Yeah, they were getting laid. I was reading a book about hollywood's golden age I gotta say though Constance Wu very disrespectful to jeopardy very disrespectful. She was talking without buzzing it in the entire episode It's true I will just say this to all of my fellow celebs Uh, who will be on jeopardy and this is not not throwing shade to anyone in particular, but just don't don't blame the buzzer It's never the buzzer's fault. It's a shame. It's poor craftsman blames his tools They literally have laws in place to make sure the buzzers work

Like it's not the buzzer. So never blame the buzzer with this what that said I just watched Lyle Lyle crocodile yesterday starring Constance Wu and it was fantastic My kids loved it. So there you go. Well, um, Um, congratulations on the domination and celebrity jeopardy. But let's get into it this week I mean look the thing that's on everyone's mind Uh, down the the whole weekend news cycle. It's the uh, I suppose Real possibility that Donald Trump will be indicted and arrested tomorrow in Manhattan to which I gotta say, you know I'll I'll believe it when I see it

But that hasn't stopped me spending the entire weekend imagining Donald Trump in various prison related movies and television shows Oh, this is the this Stallone prison movie where he's like fishing a car the entire time. Yeah, lock up. Yeah. Yeah I think Trump would be like He would be the guy uh in Andy Dufresne's first night in jail and Shawshank that they beat to death was like I think I think I don't know. I think he would be like an autobesey type A tiny little hat. Yeah He's a very big guy. He's a very big guy, but he's got a tiny little hat

Got a tiny little hat. They call him an abeasy beat. She's been feeding me all this glass I'll keep eating that garbage And then uh, and then the only I come up with a Trump and Shawshank redemption Is the scene where he like is in the warden's office and puts on boats art for the entire prison except it's the song memory from cats Him standing there while they're all drinking beers and he's just doing his little jerk off dance That was the day the man of Shawshank prison sat in the morning So it's that's that bacon in the sun drinking crisp diet coke all morning long He puts on tiny dancer in the goat. That was the day we found out that Ruth Bader Ginsburg had died

It was our first time hearing about it and she was an amazing lady no matter whether you agreed with her or not That that gif of him putting both of his hands up when he's like like getting serious about rbg is very powerful It's like when I found out today that uh, that the reagan campaign uh, conspired With iran to hold back the hostages until after he got elected This is the first time hearing about times. You're telling me for this for the first time I don't know what to believe anymore after I read that. Do we really think that's that bad anymore? Oh, no I mean, yeah, like that's just being on your grind. Yeah, jimmy carter sucked

But if you were there in iran that long you were probably doing something bad, you know It's like anthony bourdain. Everyone's like all pro anthony bourdain now, but it's like you don't know what he did You know, I get it. I bet that a lot of them Guys like bill casey in there who are who are doing october surprise. They weren't thinking Oh, we're preventing these hostages from being released. They thought these fucking carter idiots are never gonna get these hostages out one way or the other So at least we get them out. Oh, yes, we give them some weapons and make some, you know contacts for later use But you know, they're out as opposed to letting carter just dick around and like send seal teams to crash into the desert over and over again And yeah, any progress jimmy carter was like he was responsible for most special forces depths

like probably like 40 stars on the cia's wall And then like his other efforts were probably like he probably sent like the culture of narcissism to the ithalo It's like what kissinger and nixon did with vietnam, but not as bad Yeah, yeah, that was way worse. That was much much worse Johnson might have gotten the deal because it was the same deal that they ended up 40,000 americans plus an extra like 200,000 And yeah, the way you know that was like actually interrupting something that would have worked is that it's the same deal on the table in 68 That they signed in 70. Yes. Yeah, or 71

Yeah, but uh, just the just reading from the washington post here Uh, it says a headline trump calls for protests of what he claims is his imminent arrest Writing from his mar-a-lago club in florida trump surprises advisors by posting an all caps message on his truth social platform Saturday morning that declared he will be arrested on tuesday next week protests take our nation back His language along with a fundraising pitch sent out by the 2024 presidential campaign Echoed rhetoric that trump used in advance of his attack of the attack on the us capital on january 6 by his supporters Now I saw I saw another person that might probably my favorite commentary on uh, Trump's imminent arrest is Someone said this is a democratic strategist that said there's a very real chance

The proud boys might try to seriously attempt to break him out of prison to which I said That is probably the best reason to put him behind bars because Like a like a like a dirty dozen style mission to break trump out of prison with like gavin mcginnis instead of Lee marvin would be Fucking fantastic, but they all get like somehow locked in and I hopped the morning of and like never get out and like I will say one thing about this first of all I've uh, trump is nothing will happen. He'll be fine, but

It is crazy that this is all about Money to stormy daniels. It's like He fucking like that's the coupon for tax evasion shit right there. Yeah. Yeah. I mean he tried to like overturn an election You know, he might have sold shit to the saudis and like this is the only reason that this might go to trial Is because it is so out of his job as president. It is so soon generous. It is so only trump Trump's the only because the reason that they don't put Presidents in jail is because they can't set the precedent of the president being liable for anything they do

Who's gonna be president then? You know, so that's why they can't let that happen But if they end up being like look you really can't do anything look what trump did Because you might have to do that when you're president, but you don't have to pay a stripper in a personal check You don't have to do that. I will say whatever blowback he gets from this I think it was worth it. Have you ever seen the picture of him with stormy daniels? Has anyone ever looked happier? Like look at the picture of him and stormy daniels. He's he's so happy

Yeah, yeah, whatever trouble he gets in. Yeah, he like had sex as it's depicted in beetle bailey He chased her out of the table for a while. Yeah, a giant dagwood sandwich. Yeah Yeah, no other guy right for president's gonna do that. So it's yeah, it's yeah, maybe well, that'll be wild Well, the the the prom boys man. I'm with them. I'm gonna we're gonna break him out of jail We need more we need more prison breaks in america if anybody is gonna break break Trump out of jail It's just gonna be the prison guards because they think he's cool Yeah, that's it. Oh, maybe maybe if he does go to jail He could do a an escape from danimora thing and he can be getting an intensive affair with an older woman

Who works the prison and share her with a younger man? He's just he's just looking at her like when he's sold out toro Charisma and she just she can't look away, but she has to be older than him. So he like Romance is like an 87 year old woman in upstate new york. Uh, yes, we'll work mom Well, I'll be baking files into pies and cakes for him coming soon But uh making files so that he can get his uh get his fingernails buffed up because they're gonna look terrible in prison Well, I mean chris. I mean that's the thing chris brought up about like even like a theoretical trump arrest Is just the prospect of like

Any photograph of him of what like 48 hours without full hair and makeup team will make him look like what he will appear as Without like the full team of people spraying him up doing his hair and shit Because there was that one photo where he was at marlago once where he didn't have the forward quaff He just had like normal hairstyle and not too much makeup But even that I can't believe was more than 12 maybe 15 hours out of hair and makeup top I need if two full days of him away from his whatever he does to himself every morning I just want one photo a couple of nights in lockup after being processed and like deloused In a prison is gonna look like the like the bog witch from that uh scary stories to tell in the dark

You know with the the mouth and the hair And like just they can make they can make you up in prison They can like what was that they had what they they had that thing in Oz where like if you were like being initiated Into a prison gang you were basically like in drag until you killed somebody They called it like pragged. They would brag someone. Yes the prag and they like yeah, they like made There's an internship like Kool-Aid and like Bullshit they found it's like heroin in there. They could make tanner. I think it'll like it would be like Uh, just like island of dr. Murrow brando like he would get just

Turn his bed sheets into like an outfit and just And and his he would be that white because that's that's what you know That's the terrifying thing under trump is knowing just how pale that flesh is like fucking yeah when you see around His eyes. Yeah, it's so shockingly white. It's like the joker He literally is nickelson's joker like you got to put the makeup on over the whiteness and he also it's yeah It's not tanning. It's brah. It's bronze. Yeah, it's not like he goes into a tanning booth or anything It's just all makeup. Yeah, I want to see it. Oh, I want to see it We know we know we know that what even if they

Charge him he will maybe get an ankle monitor maybe Yeah, they're not gonna have Would you you would have to have like a secret service agent in the cell with him while he was in jail? So that's just not viable. So they just give him the ankle monitor and say here It's not like he's gonna go. He's not gonna be able to take a run for it Most famous man on earth. I mean this is probably you guys would know this the hell of president's host This is the closest a president's ever come to prison. Oh, yeah I mean, is there anything even close? No, Nixon. They hadn't even begun criminal procedures of any kind before he got that pardon

Like there was there was barely anything on the on the actual like legal Uh docket Appointing towards charging Nixon with any specific crime Before they could get to that level of investigation for it said uh-uh not gonna happen So, yeah, I'd say it's never been closer I'm still cheering for the uh the spanish judge who indicted bush that I read about Yeah, we're gonna see that go that's gonna happen any day now. He's gonna get an urge for tapas and show up And uh in madrid and boom they're gonna drop that off here for the run into the polls

Uh, I think the closest honestly might be when uh, Ulysses s grant was ticketed for driving his cart horse cart too fast in Washington, DC when he was president that actually happened twice I think he got a warning and then he got a ticket, but in defense. He was absolutely shit-faced Yeah, absolutely hammered, but uh, so if If that had gone through if there'd been a breathalyzer test back then he might have very well gone to prison I mean like so I mean like there's you know the question. Oh like what what how could a former u.s. President be in jail? You know, oh, what what how will this affect his run for president? You know a lot of people are saying, you know, this is what's gonna start the next civil war

This is the greatest gift anyone could ever give trump is having him indicted in federal court to run for president But look There's a way out of this that we I think we're all aware of and let's just say he does get arrested Let's say he puts get set get let's say he like pretrial. He gets Put in a certain correctional facility in Manhattan. Let's say they give him the same kind of secret service perception They give another high profile inmate at said correctional facility and the problem stops itself But like it's hard for me to imagine that this is like a way just not to deal with trump running for president Because like I don't know like

Like you think that this is like a last-ditch effort to just get like even by like the republicans just to get him out of there Like just nobody wants him to be the guy. Yeah, nobody wants him to be the guy, but he can still run matt Can he still run though? Yeah. Yes, that is hilarious. He can still run. Yeah He can still run gene debbs. He could just dev style And then he could the only open legal question I don't think it's ever been decided but if you did it they would you'd have to you'd be daring them to make you Not, you know Is he could pardon himself if he got reelected? Yeah

I mean he I still think he could be a spoiler like running from prison Did you see that um ron? Like attacked him instead of defending in in the dorkiest like he he is so fucked like to say this is He cannot Because he has to start with the manhattan da is a publicity hound and this is all baseless and iris So he has to start defending trump because he can't accept the premise that these guys have the right to charge trump But then he has to be like I don't know. I don't really know what goes on when you When you pay a porn star to be quiet because it's like hey, wait a minute, buddy. That's what they're accusing him of

That's what the baseless bullshit is and you're saying it's true How you can't do it. He cannot stick any uh approach to trump that doesn't undermine him with the people He needs to vote for which is why I am convinced there is zero percent chance. He runs for president this year I don't think he will I if he seems pretty dumb is the thing I mean, I think he's I think he might be he's I think he's too committed I think I think I think he's too committed and he has looked at the early polls and the elizabeth warrened himself Into thinking this is gonna be easy because you got to remember The reason this is happening to trump is everybody involved in any level of power is fine with getting him out of the picture

And he's he's not helping anymore. He doesn't do the any more job. It's like, okay. You use you you're Relevant now get out of the get out of here. They're happy to let him go And that means they're all saying all the time all of the people in the media and in government and lobbyist firms They're all saying the santa's is gonna win the santa's is gonna beat trump people are sick of trump and look at our early polls That show that like they're all disconnected the same way everyone was in 2016 when they didn't see trump coming the first time It's true. I still feel like the descent this might have done a good enough job at not Of dancing around saying he's running because I haven't heard him say he's running. I don't think he's announced it I think he has not kind of which to me is like I just feel like he might just be clever enough

To realize that going on a scorched earth campaign against trump against an incumbent Is not like the smartest and he's gonna be branded a loser. Why not sit this one out? Let trump go against like I don't fucking know Nikki Haley or something and then in 2028 swoop in and be like I'm I think he might be Waiting to see what happens with this fucking indictment shit like maybe get spooked and resigned and doesn't run again like maybe trump blinks Because like, you know, that's the hope and this is really the lever to make it happen because yeah, I believe that he is not thrilled about the idea of Going in front of a fucking jury. Well, Trump is already out

Um, it's clapping back at um at sicko ron by saying that like hey Maybe one day when you're unfairly accused by a woman and then in parentheses or a man So he's back with that gate. He's on that gay ron shit. He just needs to come out. He needs to stop with ron to Symptom on you just You for sure are making it to the finals if you call him gay ron That's gotta say though. That's that trump thing is equally. It's not great either Honestly, it's better than DeSantis is but it's not great because he's saying they're fake accusations Why would you give him that? Well, because yeah, it's like a like just any accusation is false

like any accusation ever made by like anyone I guess that is honestly how he feels like Yeah, accusations are things that you did and a false accusation is when someone points it out Yeah, well, I mean, it's like it's like the uh, the people who are like, uh talking about trump Like he's like I saw someone compare him to nelson-mandela and they're like a this is the moment where he becomes america's nelson-mandela And with that I was only like, you know nelson-mandela was in prison for 27 years before he got out and like united I think that they met nelson months. I think But uh, by the way, that picture of DeSantis and the kid and the students is

Yeah, it's really fucked up. We had a teacher at our school Who uh, loved to go out drinking with the students. You guys won't believe what happened to him Yes, it was bruce rounder Okay, okay, okay. Um, yeah, can you answer a question that's been part of like it's a part of an executive investigation series I've been doing It's sort of my own steel dossier Do you think ron the sanctimonious has listened to brand new? Possibly while partying with high school or with high schoolers in 2005. What he's the right age five

Yeah, he's the right. Yeah at the right time Uh, yeah, I think I would like to be the nelly or of this Dossier and say yeah, yeah By the way, I have the only time I've ever the only thing I know about nelly or Felix is that you mentioned her uh, 5000 times on this podcast Well, I she was beautiful nelly or I so like, um, she was constantly mentioned by trump in like his third year of president Of his presidency because he was talking about bruce or

Because this is during the like late period trump where he was only talking about like the 5000th most powerful Uh, fbi agent like the guy random bureaucrats Yeah, just like people like no one's ever heard of and then he would he would talk about bruce or Or who like I forgot about but then he would go oh and his oh so beautiful wife nelly And he was like calling her ugly and you look her up and it's just like a 70 year old woman Yeah, I feel like she's disgusting Can you imagine being a bat? Yeah, it's like you're losing because your wife's old

Yeah, they're both like 71 Assistant director skinner has wasted far too much taxpayer money on his x-files Oh, I got there's actually uh, I got I got some details about the it's like about the payoff to stormy daniels from the uh, the new york times And kind of like you're you're so right like this is like this is a trump scandal from like 2016 You look like this is we are Michael Avenatti this is Michael Avenatti was on yeah, he's now in jail. He is now in jail. Yes. Yeah Yeah, Trump called the governor of georgia and was like you better find these votes for me Or you're gonna be in a lot of trouble and we're still like oh, yeah

He fucked a porn star and gave her like 10 grand Well, I mean shit like Trump was Trump was trying to give her money Michael Avenatti was just stealing it from her. So yeah, that is true He's out of all the people we've discussed right now. Avenatti is the worst. I think we could all Michael Michael Avenatti was like he was like a stage mom. He wasn't like really a lawyer at any point He was like, um making beloli and party down He uh, he was a a dark horse candidate people talked about for running for president in 2020. Oh, yes Yeah, he also he had his own catchphrase basta. Remember he would say basta. Yeah, he'd be like hashtag basta on his twitter

Oh my god, holy now. He's in fucking jail. He's in jail. That's wild Uh, well, this is from the uh, the new york times inside the payoff to a porn star that could lead to trump's indictment Uh, it's got some great, uh, just trump details about what a you know, what a sort of a casanova he is Uh, it says here at the time it was all more tawdry than momentous A reality star invited a porn actress half his age to a hotel room after a round in a celebrity golf tournament She arrived in a spangly gold dress and strappy heels. He promised to put her on television And then she says they slept together The Manhattan district attorney alvin alvin l bragg has signaled

He is preparing to seek felony charges against mr. Trump Mr. Bragg is expected to accuse him of concealing a hundred and thirty thousand dollar hush money payment that michael d cohen Mr. Trump's lawyer and fixer made to miss daniels on the eve of the 2016 presidential election Going on it says as they chatted that night in mr. Trump's penthouse at hara's lake tahoe She has said she wore black silk pajamas and slippers He told her that she could be on the apprentice an nbc reality show. She doubted he could make it happen Yeah, for the record, she's completely fucking right. There's no way even he could not have made her a contestant on celebrity Apprentice the nbc would have been like no

Sorry, donald. Anyways, i'm sorry i interrupted Uh, there's one last detail she says afterward. He would phone her occasionally from a block number calling her honey bunch They saw each other at least twice more in 2007 at a launch party for the short-lived trump vodka And at the beverly hills hotel where they watched shark week, but they did not Yeah, they did not sleep together again. Uh, so yeah, just just hanging out watching shark week I mean like Like one time before but i think trump is asexual. I think like oh, absolutely. Yeah I think he paid for sex with her. I think he paid her to tell people they had sex together

I think that's what the money is for he has had sex like the contractually minimum number of times To be a straight thing. I think I think he I don't know I think he does get horny and I think What he call sex is not what we all would say sex he like I know I could see him like like or just like Like wrapping his like pushing his dick onto like a woman's leg while she pretends to be asleep and just like Like riding it like a flagpole until like Like a some substance forms around the outside of his penis. It's not like what we

Yeah, it's the way it's the way that like a neutered dog will still like hump things out of instinct Yeah The big thing I have a hard time with is him impregnating his wives Although you look at those kids and you know, they're his So, uh, I wonder if like they're getting that shit out of him like with a silly straw and while he sleeps I don't know. I mean Ivana's Looks the ones you have with Ivana look like him the one with the Melania looks like she fucked Dirk Novitski

Well, she is like It's an open secret uh that Melania has had a long-term affair with the head of security at trump tower Oh, Manhattan, uh, and that like what there was that period for like the first six months of the trump administration When she was still in new york, she hadn't moved on to the white house yet And she was basically just banging that guy the whole time. Oh wait, Matthew calamari very hot. Uh, I don't think it was calamari How you could write this shit The game show host president's chief of security Matthew calamari. I forgot his name was Matthew calamari. That's unbelievable Oh, wait, was it Keith Schiller? That's it. Yeah. Yeah, that makes sense

Well Melania also is like the strongest jeans out of any of his wives. Where's she from? Slovenia That's where that's where all the fucking best NBA players come from now. Look, I mean, yeah, like that's true They can hoop over there and baron looks like he would be a killer on the court. He's like 7-1. It's wild He's a 7-1 gamer. He's he's destined for the NBA Yeah, if you could take away a lot of the sensory problems of basketball If they could damp the balls when they bounce, so it's not quite so and then the sneakers they squeak too much But yeah, that's that's a that's a hell of a uh of a yugo there He's got the yugo jeans like John Donchich and Jochich. All these fucking guys. Oh, yeah, hookah, baby

Well moving on from uh, uh, Trump and potential, uh, legal difficulties Uh, I have a I have a great article here from New York magazine titled who is still inside the metaverse Oh god, I read about who the metaverse isn't this article is Right now by the way, just so you know, I'm doing this whole podcast inside the metaverse. Yeah, we haven't left Yeah, we record every every episode in the metaverse. You guys don't know that we're on a big table Uh, it's it's in a pool and we're all floating in it. Although you can't tell because we don't have legs anyway Okay, so this is uh Um, it's basically the metaverse is is is is more meta than any of us could have ever imagined

Um, the article begins. It says here. Um in september My family and I moved from our home in Dublin to a fancy east coast college town where I'll be teaching for the semester I grew up in Dublin, which means I have a wide circle of friends to draw on whenever I'm whenever I'm let out of the house The street is where I live with the street where I live is friendly if I want to borrow a spatula Or I need someone to look after my cat. I only have to ask borrow a spatula Come on. Oh, you have a spatula do you borrow a cup of sugar or something like that something you run out of So it says life is different for us in the u.s. We have for a time the first time a basement But we have no friends

It seems as if none of the permanent faculty can afford to live in the suburb where the university has placed us We technically have neighbors, but we never see them They manifest only in the form of their gardeners who are at work every day with their leaf blowers It's in this strange scenario alone on the continent cut off from everyone I know that I decide to try the metaverse for the first time a whole galaxy of pals brought into your living room I think why not? I'm busy contemplating my legless torso when I hear laughter in the room lifting my meta quest headset I see my son has come into my office unbeknownst to me and evidently finds my appearance amusing. What are you doing?

I'm in virtual reality. I say you look like that leper than India that got its head stuck in a pot. He said But uh, here's we get to do it like what's actually going on in the metaverse While some people have experienced harassment in horizon worlds. The major problem is kids Under 13s aren't supposed to use the headset But the app is overrun with children occupying their parents avatars Meaning that conversations are constantly interrupted by one And a parent adults asking you in high-fifth voices if you'd like to poop and to Polls to decide if my poop person should be removed

There are like 48 people in the metaverse if you let your kid get groomed in the metaverse You're the worst parent ever Well, you know I know they say like don't blame the parent But like if you let that happen like there are 48 steps to even get on the metaverse How did you let that happen? Wait hold on fucking Felix this guy was literally just said he was on the metaverse and his kid came in the room And it's like what are you doing? And he's like, uh, like if your kid comes in the room take off the fucking headset Be like you guys want to go play catch like what are you doing terrible?

Well, maybe maybe he like looked at the kid with the You know what it VR heads up display or whatever And it like it did a 23 in me and he saw that it didn't carry any of his genes I mean hopefully this dad who is an academic has uh Conveyed to his son the importance of articles and the foundational nature of articles to american culture And that dad is doing this for an article And he should understand that because this is very important I will say them. I love reading articles in the metaverse

Like sometimes all like on a sunday morning I'll like my family will be in the house and I'll go into my office and I'll jump online into the metaverse and I'll read On the new york times on my couch in the metaverse I honestly I go straight for virtual arts and leisure My my dream job is the town crier in the metaverse where I just read articles allowed to people But but I don't think this guy is saying oh my god, there's kids in the metaverse like no no get room He's saying it's pathetic. It's it's lame that these are the only people Yeah, he's like mr. Wilson, you know, you know, the kids are harassing the adults anything

It reminded me more than anything of the time. Will and I watched felix played fortnight And everybody who was shooting at him sounded like they had a fucking A sucker in they were like google god-guying And we were like these are the people that you're headscoping all day felix these literal children. Yeah, they have better reflexes It's more it's more impressive to kill children than like adults if you kill a 35 year old like you suck He goes on the metaverse. He wants to talk to other adults and a local neighborhood boy also in the metaverse takes a slingshot And breaks his window and it's ruining his his hang in the middle. He's like mr. Wilson

He's very upset a man. Okay. He goes on a man with the username nut sack sandwich Uh floated over his head. I I guess a lot of sweet-looking ladies here tonight He says as a woman or at least an avocar of a woman goes by in a crop top I ask how long he's been using the quest and what activities he'd recommend. He thinks about it There's ping pong. He says and there's porn Porn. Yeah, virtual porn. You tried it. I haven't yeah, that's some good stuff impala expert says People always hating on the zuck impala expert says that doesn't mean they're wrong. I say I don't know man. I'm just here to have a good time and maybe pick up some milfs

Pick them up. I repeat, but what will you do with them? Oh, I'll do impala expert says mysterious So to be clear here. He's talking about picking up milfs meta milfs and his name is impala. What impala expert You're in the metaverse and the best thing you can come up with is impala expert You could fucking do anything you want. You could be like air force pilot and he's like impala expert That's okay. I keep in mind that this is probably a 14 year old who's here who's I'm in the I I I came here to chew bubblegum and pick up milfs meta milfs and I'm all out of bubblegum And that but this also now it makes me think that that's not even how a real 14 year old boy talks It makes me think that that was a man pretending to be a boy talking to another man. It's like a reverse grooming thing

It's all those perverted justice people Is there really is there porn in the metaverse? Uh, apparently according to this guy. Okay. So all right. So I'm not even joking here. Is this how it works? I'm wondering let's say the five of us were in the metaverse. We were hanging out in my backyard in the metaverse And I was like, uh, you guys excuse me for a minute. I have to go to the bathroom and I in the metaverse I disappear while you guys are still hanging out and then do I like go into like my house and then Then jet like look at porn and jack off and really jack off and then just come down and join you guys

Is it like a group hang and I just disappear Like are we in this are we in the same house while I'm masturbating? I guess is my question I don't know well The thing is I don't know if there's like porn porn I don't know if you can like Thrust into each other or anything But I know that you can get together and like talk sexual style

And I think maybe you can go off onto other things that are not on the metaverse because that's just the facebook thing But like are in the vr world, which is not quite the same thing Because it's vr porn that you can interact with but I don't think you can technically get it from the metaverse because you know He's trying to do a Family-friendly thing. I don't know but you can in the metaverse be like, hey guys We're all gonna masturbate to the same thing at the same time. Yes, but I guess we could do that without the metaverse We could do that on our right now right now. All right. Okay. Well, all right Um, it's not just pornography though

Apparently comedy is big in the metaverse Yes, and at the soap and at the soapstone club is one of horizon world's most popular destinations That's where I meet okie driver. Who's a producer at the club? Meaning he helps out with events and explains to newcomers how the place works Metta is reportedly striving for almost Disney levels of safety for its users and the comedy here He tells me is resolutely family-friendly. Think about a 6 p.m. Slot on regular tv He says turning to a billboard. He runs through the upcoming acts saying encouraging things about each one Mork and Mindy. I recommend that very highly. You'll laugh till you cry

And like I think let's just take user with the name Mork and Mindy who's performing virtual comedy at the Oh, I thought it was like you're gonna watch an episode of Mork and Mindy Yeah A second billboard you unusually depicts photos of real-life comedians I find myself slightly awed by this as if I had forgotten temporarily that I too am a human not a cartoon Dry bar at the soapstone reads the billboard featuring drew lynch Alex voluto daff neek springs Nationally recognized comedians performing as avatars in vr

We're expecting a big crowd for that one. Okie driver says these are nationally recognized comedians. He lowers his voice We may see mark zuckerberg in attendance. Uh-huh. He came before sat in the audience. He mutes himself doesn't speak I was working here that night zuckerberg's username according to okie driver is the human zuck I don't point out to okie driver that I've also seen an avatar for kim jong-un in the club And during zuckerberg's public appearances in virtual reality. His username was either mark or zuck kim jong-un at the club I'm glad that it's a dry bar I would hate do you think that somebody lost their 33 years of sobriety in the metaverse Well, Felix, listen to this next listen to the next thing in this article

Later, I asked someone named space angel seven what she would recommend to do in the metaverse and she tells me She really enjoyed sitting in on a a meetings. Are you an alcoholic? No Did they mind you being there when they found out they were pretty angry? Yeah That's rough. I would like to take this opportunity though to plug an appearance. I'm making next week at a comedy club Dry stone Soapstone soapstone Yeah, Jim Brewer is opening for me. I would solve the mask problem if you just did metaverse comment That's the thing we wanted both sides represented and I'm always wearing I'm wearing a mask right now. So

Well, yeah, that's everything you just said Yeah, it's awful. It's pretty terrible And it's like this is an article in this isn't the New York Times just written by Clark Fluckerberg like what the fuck like it's such a like this place is great. It's so oh my god I mean to be fair. I think the I think the article made it did seem like some sort of dystopian nightmare, but I mean like Oh, okay. Well, it'd be like that. It sounded great to me the way you were The 20 users like um, um milfbanger 420 and impala expert. I mean they seem to be enjoying the metaverse, but yeah As for the rest of us. I'm not sure

We'll see if they get legs But they added legs to the metaverse that was remember that was a big thing I think that was a joke. They didn't get legs It was a joke Yeah, like somebody that like wouldn't it be funny if they said we got legs now and it turns out they don't have legs yet It's very difficult to get the legs. I'm just laughing so hard at that joke Holy shit. Well, it's well look it's not all bad news. I mean the metaverse may suck, but there I I just found out today about a very exciting investment opportunity for

You know for for men like us here in the reality verse This comes courtesy of rolling stone A pro-trump social network wants to corner the anti-vax jizz market. Yes, that's right Fighting to survive in the crowded ecosystem of far-right social media companies The pro-trump platform getter has in recent weeks Highlighted high-level deliberations on the oddest of business pivots remaking the site to add an online clearinghouse for human sperm But not just any sperm the proposal would see the company expanded to include the marketplace For semen from men who haven't taken any of the vaccines against COVID-19

so boys Gentlemen, you may start your engines. This is great news for me. I froze all of my sperm from 2014 to 2019 My wife last week said you got to get rid of it by thursday. I'm throwing it Three sources familiar with the matter and a fourth briefed on the situation described serious repeated discussions about creating the online anti-vaccine in market in which unvaccinated men would self advertise and sell sperm to the highest bidder Two of the sources say stakeholders have gone so far as to explore possible testing requirements

To ensure specimens came from unvaccinated donors. I mean that would that was my real question in this because you know Unfortunately, yes, I have gotten the COVID vaccines making rendering my sperm virtually useless worthless worthless. Yeah, but like I assume that you you can test if someone's been vaccinated or not But like I seem to like what are the what are the what are the control standards here? Like what are the what are the the loss prevention for the the sperm market here? Mm-hmm the test. Yeah They got they got an exquisite taster in there. Yeah Moderna Moderna, they I don't know what they put in Moderna

But it's definitely the same artificial sweetener they use in coke zero The Johnson and Johnson opens beautifully Uh, and it has great legs And it's a perfect company company meant to be for duck even Um Uh, it's as your some staff have also expressed skepticism internally about the feasibility of the plan Uh fire those weak-hearted souls. Uh, yeah, I'm sorry. Will you have what it takes? Truth this was on truth getter. No, it's on better. I'm better. Yeah

So this is a I'm so sorry. Get her get your sperm here. Get your sperm here hot I'm spiced up get her and this is all my ad that you you you that pops up to you while you're on getter It's just like getters new thing where it's like if you're on getter Yeah, no, like look is it's not like none of these like sort of like pro-freedom Social media networks have like really panned out, you know Gab truth social rumble all of them. They're they're they're they're struggling to find purchase and like this is Getter has it been like look the the social the right wing twitter things are working out for us Let's just become ebay for jizz. Let's just let's just become the come the come house come town

They're becoming come town. Well, if you If you can buy like, you know Pure blood unvaccinated sperm with like an egg from one of those women who have a vaccine injury that makes them shake a lot You would make like a damn pier Like someone a daywalker Someone with all the powers of a vampire or a vaccinated, but none of the weaknesses What you're making videos are amazing by the way, you know, man. He took one. He put it to some great hip-hop song. I can't remember But it apparently says uh

They they express skepticism about the feasibility of the plan Noting restrictions of semen sales in other countries and other and other hurdles All four sources. Oh, yeah, you don't want to deal with those pesky canadian jizz laws Yeah, there's a there's a value added tax for it in mexico That was one of the that was one of the things that uh amla put up for referendum I mean if they ever do make this happen, there will be people that will order that that will Get in the mail like a like envelope that just has like loose jizz in it Like it'll be like pink sauce, but for yeah, no, yeah

white sauce white sauce This was this was a big thing that like right wing people were talking about in 2021 for like three weeks about how like The blood and semen of unvaccinated men will be in high demand in the coming years And it just it thinking about that made me remember how like remember how we like vaccinated like we we laminated our vaccine cards like This is just this just doesn't affect anything now Like this just has nothing to do with these are the only people still talking about it

The people who want to set up the facebook marketplace for calm Well, that's because it's so fun though They get to be in like some sort of deadly contest of wills with their evil government like they get to They're still fighting. They're like they have they're resisting in a way that feels Meaningful to them. Why would they give that up? It is also true. You guys have really hit on something. Sorry. Well, you guys Have said that like If in 2023 you're like, I am a conservative

You're a weirdo. You are fucking weird and strange and you're obsessed with cum and fucking Bottom surgery. You're just a very strange person. I think that's a very good point I tell it to strangers on the street and they also leave me alone. Well, we also we also bethany mandel over the weekend bethany people coming up like like it's like forget about her like Having her brain freeze on television when asked about the things she supposedly wrote a book about but like Like the the record of her tweets over the last five years, whether it's about like how her her Feral children at home or like eating soap and scrubbing her hair with a toilet brush

By the way, her hair still looks like shit But um and then like all the instant cart shoppers she's gotten fired or whatever like yeah These are these are not normal people. They're out. They're well out of the mainstream for joe and jane america. I gotta say I Not on twitter as much as I have been the last couple years and so when like a friend of mine will send me an article It's always interesting to see what sticks and who sticks do I remember this person from 2017? I don't this woman I remember I was like I remember her and I remember her Like oh my god. It was like the the week that they were like hey You have to wear a mask if you go to a store

and she was like Furiously to her mask and she showed a picture of the inside. Oh god. This is my mask. Oh my god. Yeah, it looked like It looked like Rudy Giuliani's underwear like it was like dark yellow and like yeah, we also read It was fucking so gross. Oh yuck. Oh, yeah, she has like she has like um Like if you if you touch her you start taking like poison damage you get a status effect She's so fucking gross. I'm sorry. Like it just she always she always looks like she got sad and shocked by something And is coming down from it. She just is a repulsive person There's just deeply deeply like her and Seth are both just creatures of the swamp

Horrible if you write a fucking book about something you have to have a canned answer ready to go well, I'm sorry, but like she was doomed for me having that she was doomed from the beginning because You should think to yourself. I'm gonna write about a book about woke That should mean the same thing as if I'm gonna write a book about melancholy Like it doesn't mean anything. It's just this feeling you have to have a much more specific fucking Key on this to start writing and then I'm gonna talk about wokeness. Oh, good luck Well, well matt like I mean they've come up with like, you know, what they say are like more like textbook definitions of woke as some sort of like discreetly new phenomenon and

You know, like we've talked about on the show before like it's definitely a thing that exists But the problem for them is they can't seem to come up with a definition that is different You know any market way from just liberalism since the new deal, right? Yeah, right This is what they've been saying like of the last 100 years about like, oh, wokeness is when society society attempts to correct for Past the past wrongs by a civil rights act. Yeah, yeah I think that's not true though. The reason they can't do that is because what they would recognize is yeah This is just liberalism. Why am I calling it wokeness? Why was this? Why is this different? It's because everything's worse

And everybody who has these liberal values is hysterical about it because everyone is hysterical about everything because things have gotten Markedly worse to live in America in the last 20 years and they can't accept that premise So they have to just Uh make up ways that like people have changed. They've gotten worse somehow because they watched too much MTV or something I hope this really does put a dent in like the conversation Just because like as annoying as like someone who's like overly performatively woke is They pale in comparison to the person who's complaining about it And I just did a fucking press tour for history of the world and like every person was like

So you can't say anything anymore in comedy, can you? Everyone's so goddamn woke and I'm like, well Yeah, no, I just don't I will talk about anything other than this. It's so fucking boring You know what I mean? And hopefully now people will kind of see stuff like that and be like, oh, it is kind of dumb Well, I since you brought it up. I mean, I've been dying to ask you history of the world What was it like to work with the great mel Gibson on this? Uh, I've been a fan of his ever since uh, I saw Gallipoli um, and I don't love his movies as much as I love his politics and just his general vibe

Well, I mean I I watched a little of the show and I gotta say you really like to bring a sort of a comic dimension to your character Man responsible for all the wars in world history. I thought you did a fantastic job with that You really like you brought happiness to that merchant. He was the merchant You played was so happy I like I like the I like the other guy you played Did the uh, the Polish swimming pool architects? That guy was good too. Um, yeah, I mean the guy I played the guy who founded the first movie studio Um, uh, oh our sketch the invention of usury. I thought was a really fun one

Uh, that was a good one. Jim Cazaville is hilarious in that I thought um, it was it was uh, it's a dream. He's a great guy and uh, Yeah, he's just like his character and leaf the weapon Like he's constantly like you ask him a question just puts a gun in his mouth Was melbrooks like as influential on your like childhood sense of comedy growing up as it was on on mine like Were you a melhead? Yeah Yeah, yeah, I got a little trouble recently because I said before melbrooks movies weren't funny And like they kind of like like there were fun movies like I like the marx brothers

Like and like I don't know. There's a couple billy wilder things in there But like blazing saddles was the first movie where it was like, oh, yeah, people are like laughing so hard They can't breathe And so my dad actually saw blazing saddles opening night and it was a huge melbrooks fan So blazing saddles young frankenstein Uh big movies in my household and then when I saw history of the world I watched that movie I think a hundred times. I loved it so much. I also like very Obsessed with history. By the way, can I just shout out a little podcast called hell on earth with which I just finished last night

yo shit unbelievable boys chris matt Ma chef's kiss anyways, uh, so I loved history of the world I loved how they were these little vignettes and it was all over the map Uh, so yeah, he's a very very very big influence in my life. I I watched history of the world a lot when I was a kid Because it was one of the first movies I saw with tits in it Yes

But I gotta say he was also like the first guy like he was one of the first guys in comedy that was like, oh Yeah, dick farts tits like the stuff that like Regular people think about and think is are funny and not just yeah. I know this guy's wearing a dress Like it's you know, it's a little bit. Yeah. I'm sorry him and him and red fox are basically responsible for like Yeah, things that are funny in a conventional sense 100% I throw richer prior in there too. We're just really descended from red fox But like those were the first guys who were like in like 1969 starting to be like, okay, let's do let's do a Whole number about titties

Yeah, I like that That is such a movie head like a way to piss off movie heads though This could be like, oh like nothing was funny like before like the mid 60s because they'll They'll show you some bullshit movie from like 1937 Where some is a big uh, like some what it's two hours and 43 minutes long Dude, literally a woman recovering like lost silverware Someone literally said to me got mad at me because he's like, what about it's a mad mad mad mad world Which I love that movie. I love that movie. I saw it at the center amadam the 50th anniversary

But aside from like the jonathan winter scene, there's nothing that's explicitly hilarious Whereas blazing saddles also blazing saddles is like the greatest story for a comedy ever a black sheriff goes to a white frontier town It's like so funny. Uh, so yeah, mel was just like the original and he's still funny Like he's actually still like at 96 like we had a little premiere in hollywood And they showed a little video that mel made, you know, thanking everyone and then it comes up and melt the screen comes up and mel's there And he's like, I I want you to know I took a car ride here and I was listening to the radio And I'm looking at you all and you need to know that we're gonna have scattered showers for the next two days I was just like, oh my god at 96

I mean, I'll have been dead for been dead for 20 years at that point But if I was alive, I would not be as funny as that beautiful man Uh, we'll leave it there for today's episode. I want to thank uh, ike barenholz are coming on history of the world part two Out now on hulu watch it. You'll love it. Celebrity jeopardy champion ike barenholz It's always a pleasure. Thanks for hanging out with us today. You guys so funny. Love you. All right till next time gentlemen. Bye. Bye It's good to be the king