Chapo Trap House - 742 - Sluts For Rudy (6/20/23)

Episode Date: June 21, 2023

We take some dirty talk tips from Rudy Giuliani’s emails; Consider our lost Submariners; Discuss RFK Jr.’s campaign requiring us to do homework; and imagine Ron DeSantis as one of Jesus’ disciples. NEW SHOW DATES! We will be in Canada this August: Thursday, August 17 - Toronto - Danforth Music Hall Saturday August 19 - Montreal - Corona Theater Tickets will be available for Patreon pre-order on Thursday, June 22nd and available for general public sale Friday, June 23rd. Watch for a Patreon blog post with more details. AND! We now have some collections of themed episode packs available for purchase on our new Patreon Digital Shop! Head over the patreon.com/chapotraphouse/shop to find collections of all our premium Movie Review episodes, all of Matt’s Inebriated Past Episodes + the Poppy series, and all of our TV review episodes + Felix’s This Is Sus series available for individual purchase.

I Hello everybody, it's Tuesday, June 20th. Choppo's back at it again, right off the bat. I would like to apologize to the show is a date late, but in my defense, I was forced to celebrate the federally mandated CRT-inspired woe holiday that is Catherine Krieger's birthday, but we're coming, we're coming through the show nonetheless. You know, white boys all over the country are asking their school teachers, why do I have to be responsible for Catherine's birthday? I don't even know this guy or his girlfriend. And that friend is the problem right there.

The indoctrination that goes on when it comes to girlfriend's birthdays. And the heavy hand of the state coming into mandate that we take a day off to observe it, I'd rather be working. How are you fellas, as you enjoy the long weekend? Hmm. It's fun. I mean, like, what you enjoy the long weekend? Mmm, it was fun.

I mean, like, what's the difference for us? You know, like really, like, really, really, I don't even, I really don't notice. I haven't noticed probably in like six years. I actually think, like, when people are like, oh, it's fucking Labor Day. I'm like, how is that different from any other day for me? It's only, isn't it Passover is the night that's different from any other day for me? It's only, it's only Passover is the night that's different than any other night for you Felix. No, not even.

I eat all that food for breakfast every night. I sort of got, I did feel it yesterday because I feel like one day is the day I do work. So the fact that I didn't, I was like, hmm, nice birthday holiday. Anyway, guys, let's get into it for the show today. Look, I know everyone's talking about the Titanic's immerseable currently at the bottom of the ocean, but I wanted to kick things off today's show

because I'm so pissed that I didn't do this last week. And I'd like to begin today by reading just from a few of the recorded statements in the Rudy Giuliani lawsuit. Would you guys like to get horny with me for a second? There are some good tips in here. I know that, um, well, the Reddit, the subreddit is not around anymore, but presumably there are still a lot of people dealing with issues we saw on there. Guys who don't know how to talk to girls. And well, we're a little late, you know, hopefully you haven't killed anyone in that time, but you are about to learn a treasure trove of what to say.

Because this stuff worked. You know, everyone made fun of this stuff, but it worked. It worked, you can't argue with that. This is how you get girls. In at least one situation, this worked. So you gotta keep that in mind. Yeah. Someone would say this is the only thing that does work.

Pay attention, you are now about to witness the strength of sex knowledge. All right, this is from the, okay, these are, these are in recorded statements, Giuliani said to Ms. Dunphy at various times. Number one, I'm going to make it a little painful. Yeah. And at least in order.

Please keep in mind. Does that mean that he's like, I have a craftmatic and one of the springs is poking out and it's going to cut right into your back. He's got one of those. He's got one of those beds where they're like, it's like basically like a hospital bed where one side goes up and down for various reclining options except your hand gets caught in there and crushed.

Yeah, no one has spilled more seed on a craftmatic than Rudy Giuliani. Not even the couples on real sex. He has done the most on that thing. He is probably, people have probably, like, not only quit the craftmatic adjustable bed customer service call center, they've had to go into therapy because of the questions

that he's asking them. Hey, it's rooting. What happens when a girl squirts on the robot? I don't really know what it sounds like anymore, but you know. Well, I mean, when I try to imagine in my head what Giuliani sounds like saying, I'm going to make it a little painful. All I remember, when I think of what Giuliani sounds like, I just remember that clip of him at the Republican National Convention. I'm going to make it squat America. All right, we had periods, we had period sex and it, we tore the wire on the quaff mattock.

Do I get an entirely new one? Are you gonna replace the pot? Some seniors are still sexually active. Don't tell me you didn't know. Number two, stick it up your ass. I don't know what he was talking about though. I think he was watching like a Yankees game or something. Yeah, that is. I mean, that's not sex thing. Yeah, that sex New Yorker. That's New Yorker. You yell at it like an under performing center field. Yeah, Giancarlo Stanton sticking up your ass.

I mean, presumably, you know, because all this worked on his target. Yeah, that's the thing. You can only make fun of it so much. So she was probably like, oh, I have a, you know, I've got a sex toy shaped like, I don't know, George Wallace. What do you want me to do with a gavvl? Yeah. Sex number three or Riz talk number three, you're a fucking slut. Followed and then I'm just going to wrap this session here.

You're a fucking slut. You're my bitch. I'm going to get my cock in there. I my bitch, I'm gonna get my cock in there. I really like I'm gonna get my cock in there. That sounds like a plumber who's explaining to you what he's gonna do. Like, okay, so you got the, that's a black teacher there, so I'm gonna get my cock in there and you know,

I'm moving around, I'm moving that boom, hopefully, you're gonna be fine. Yeah, I'm gonna need a special kind of washer to fix this, but if you want, just between you and me, I'm just gonna get my cock in there and we'll just settle between us, you know. Yeah, shit. He's really doing the bare minimum of dirty talk.

It's like, this seems like something that she asked for and he's not very good at, you know? She's like, oh, say the craziest things to me. And he's like, I'm going to, I'm gonna put my male sexual organ in your vagina. You've certainly, that's gonna happen. He's like, you're a horror. And I'm going to come in you.

You suck, you stupid cunt. Fuck you. This reminds me, this reminds me, I'm wondering if I should tell the story just because it's, I don't want people to have more lore about me than they already have. But I did, I did date someone who like, this is years ago wanted me to do like sort of like, sort of like a dumb thing of like, she was like, I like it when you're dominant and I want you to tell me what I should wear to my job. And I just had no idea what to do.

Like you were like pants, you know? Yeah, exactly. I was like, where are your skirts? You know, like I just didn't know. It was just not in my personality. He did not do it. I was not good at it. So I feel bad for Rudy,

because clearly we were going through something similar. I'm imagining the weekend in the idol and he's like, tie your shoes, bitch. Yeah, over under tight. Double nuncht. That shit. That's a guy who is good at it. Like he's meant to do that.

Everyone's yelling at him for being a brain, like a, it's like writing these articles, like the weekends a scary sex guy, we need to put him in jail, but it's like, no, he's someone asked me to do that. And he's doing it right. That's what he advertises. I, I could, I've never been good at that. I get terrified

if someone asked me to do anything like that. Well, I mean, like, Rudy, just follow these tips and tricks. The next one is genuinely my favorite one. It's going to be one of those phrases that's like in the running for the last conscious thought I'll have right before I flatline, but it's this, be a slut, be Rudy slut. Be Rudy slut, be Rudy slut, a Malacca. It's like he's writing campaigns slogan. America, be Rudy slut. Like, oh my, he's fucking this younger woman and she's like, yeah, she's watched like 50 shades of grade and all this shit And she's like, I you know, I want you to be dominant Rudy and all he can think about is like the last time he ran for for president

He's like, I know exactly what to do. It also says here Giuliani called Miss misdunphy a whore. I mean, you know, this is this is mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, Oh my God, he's awesome. I want to be able to sign off on your tax returns, you stupid bitch. Give me power of attorney, you freaking whore. I want to contest your property tax increases. You slut moron. I love it. Like his idea of erotic servitude is like I need a legally binding document.

Do you need a will done? I'm going to work right now. Money's not coming in. I'm kind of intrigued by the implication there that does really think that's an actual document. Do we not know what they're able to do? Are there, is like, if you say like the right, a Masonic slogan to a judge will who bust out the human ownership contract for you to sign? I think he accidentally revealed the main legal strategy for Donald Trump.

He's like, he's going to get in there and like, that's the, that's, he's the marquee witness. He's going to shock everyone and be like, actually, Donald Trump isn't responsible for any of this because we legally made him property of Jared Kushner who ordered him to do documents. And so actually, Jared has to go to jail. And Donald Trump is fine now. Well, I mean, I don't know if you guys watched that Brent Bear interview with Donald Trump over the weekend, but like his legal defense seems to be, or at least not probably not

his legal offense, just his defense. That's what I love about Trump. Do you think his lawyers are still in the same shit? But he was just like, look, the boxes, there was all kind of stuff in those boxes. I had to go through the boxes and have my golf stuff. It had my mnemetos and had my knickknacks and trinkets. I can't do it. I don't know if there was a Ron war plans in there. They didn't give me time to go through my stuff.

And there was a lot of stuff in those boxes that are mine. So like every other president, I take things out. And in my case, I took it out pretty much in a hurry, but people packed it up and we left. And I had clothing in there. I had all sorts of personal items and there much, much stuff. Next up on the Giuliani Dirty Talk, I can't control myself, I lose control. I think of you all the time,

I'm unable to control it, I'm addicted. That's fine, that's fine. He's just trying, he's trying. He's like, he's just really trying to send her an exciting message. he he's not very good at it That's fine. That's like very tame, you know, yeah, mind as well face it. You're addicted to love. Yeah Next up though, this is this is a little little steamier. I can't think about you without getting hard even when I think about how smart you are I get hard Nice Even when I think about how smart you are, I get hard. That's very nice. Is this not a sexual?

That's very, I thought that was sweet, you know. He was like, he was like, I, she needs to hear a compliment on something other than her body. The hottest organ in her body is her brain. I mean, I thought that's what we wanted out of men, is that they appreciated women for more than just their sexual attributes. Yeah. Rudy's gone broke. When I imagine Rudy Giuliani becoming engorged, I mean, obviously like the first thing that happens is that I'm standing at full attention. But when I imagine him getting and maintaining an erection, I imagine sort of like his head shrinking

like or sort of like the the hair dye running out of his head, it's sort of like his head shrinking, like, or sort of like the hair die running out of his head, it's sort of shriveling up as the blood runs from his face to his dick. And it's just sort of like, he just sort of like squishes like a razor. He's not bored all the time. Didn't he have prostate cancer? I think, no, I think Will has the right idea that there's such like a limited amount of blood in his body. Then it's like, it's like, yeah, it's like squeezing that, you know, that children's toy, the rubber toy, where like you squeeze it by the neck and the face blows up, that's what it's probably like. I was imagining like, like, he's like, hold on, I'm going to get hard. I'm going to, I'm

going to be technically dead for 20 minutes, but my dick would be hard. Just ride my dead body for 20 minutes and then squeeze the dick so the blood goes back in my brain. So I don't experience total death. Yeah, I imagine a two-mescent Rudy Giuliani looking like prune face from Dick Tracy. It's like, the capillaries are being taxed to the maximum. Yeah. But that's also, like again, he's a good guy. He has like one pint of blood for his entire

body. And he's mostly using it on this to to pleasure this woman to take her to erotic erotic frontiers that most humans could never even imagine. Well, somebody even say an erotic homestead because he's legally owning her. Rudy is Gorean. Please, please clip that, please clip the audio, if you look saying he's a good guy. Again, he's a good guy because the last two are Giuliani stated that he would get in trouble with underage girls if they were 16, but look look 20 and then finally said to Miss Dunphy, I think of you as my daughter. Is that weird?

Look, I was legally owned by Will Manaker when I said those statements. Will Manaker commanded me to say that Rudy Giuliani is a good person who's respectful and that he agrees with all of his sexual actions. Direct all complaints to my legal owner, Will Menaker. My kitten is being very disobedient right now. So like what like he's okay. Well, he's worse at dirty talk than we ever imagined because she was probably like, she was probably like, tell me something nasty and he's like, I'm a pedophile. I want to fuck my daughter.

It's pretty nasty. I got a tie. Like, I ran over, I ran over someone's grand kid. I said, someone else did it. Oh, you want some of the nasty? Let's look at my hard drive. Well, like, is there any indication of like what contacts they were in? Like, what prompted him to say that? That I don't know. Well, yeah, that's, that's, that's a little dirty talk to sort of this episode. I hope you guys hope all our listeners

learned something about how to, how to, how to help continue functioning and going about their day in the, in an erotic frenzy. This is how you speak to females. People might need to ease slowly into a whole bath or something to relieve the genital friction that they're feeling right now. All right. We're moving on from that conversation. I suppose do we have any thoughts or feelings about the people stuck on the bottom of the fucking Atlantic Ocean right now because they wanted to see the Titanic in a homemade submarine piloted by a logitech fucking PlayStation controller.

Nothing, nothing but everyone's making fun of these guys, right? Like everyone's like, ha ha, dumbasses, you stupid rich guys, you're dying in the worst original ever, fuck you. But I really think, okay, imagine paying a quarter of a million dollars to be on this thing that is like, you know,

like two square feet of a coffin, a coffin that's controlled by a mad cat's controller. These guys clearly fucking look, like the ocean is their favorite thing. And I really think that like they we saw the photos they're all older guys, they look like, I don't know, they kind of look like that picture of the single men's Thanksgiving that's always posted online. Yeah, yeah Like, they look like they're from there. And I think these are like lonely men

who just, they probably had a pack that's like, what did it be amazing if we all had an ocean death? Then we're buried in the ocean. And they're like, great idea. Hey, let's find the most unsafe submarine ever. Let's find a submarine made and operated by French sea flares. So it's really shoddly done. So we can have a meaningful death. I think they planned this. And yeah, yeah, that's all I have to say. I think you were right

about it. And you know, like everyone said, like, oh, is it okay to laugh at this or should you not or blah blah blah It's just I think you're exactly right Felix. Maybe they wanted to die and like and what a poet What a what a what an amazing way to die, you know to be entombed at the bottom of the North Atlantic right next to the Titanic And all those other dead people and you know look if you're the Titanic, I mean talk about staying relevant You know, it's if you're the Titanic, I mean, talk about staying relevant, you know, it's killing people then and now. But how many, like, how many other shipwrecks are still catching bodies? The Titanic is one of the greatest brands in history.

Yeah, absolutely. Um, no, I, look, I am happy for these guys, no matter what. We know they're good people because they were able to spend $250,000 on this. They've been blessed by Neptune. They probably saying, they're like, with their last breaths, they're saying a Gilbert and Sullivan song about the ocean. And then Andrew gets Sweden's race.

A British tar is a source. Shut the fuck up. There's only four ounces of oxygen left in this thing. That wasn't, well, yeah, like that, the stupid pilot was like, guys, we need to conserve it and they're just seeing their hearts out. They're like, you're going down with us. It is crispy up already for a dog dog. When I was a dad, I served a term as an office boy to an attorney's firm. I cleaned the windows and I swept the floor and I polished up the handle on the big front door. He polished up the handle on the big front door.

I polished up the handle so careful, leave it. Now I am the ruler of the Queen's Navy. He polished up the handle so careful, leave it. Now he is the ruler of the Queen's Navy. So yeah, that's that story. Um, I guess another story of note this weekend, I guess back to the presidential race, I talked about the Trump- trump bret bear interview where it

seems like uh... fox news has got the knives out for for donny donny donny t uh... i mean that that was kind of funny it was like i i like that i like to state that it was just like the boxes were just it was like moving you know like the boxes are just filled with his ship from the white house and you know he didn't have time to go through it uh... but i guess the other big political interview of the weekend was Robert F. Kennedy Jr. on Joe Rogan. I don't know. We talked about the RFK campaign a little bit on this show, but I mean I don't know.

Would it be out of line to call him re-****** F. Kennedy? Or I can't say that anymore? Wait, yeah. I was, you beat me to it. I was going to say, looks like we know what the R stands for. It was a little more artful, you know. I mean, I'll try to be fair here because, you know, like, I just made attitude on RFK as a protest vote, is that like for every one seemingly sensible thing he says that I think is worthy of inclusion in a national dialogue for whatever the fuck that means. His views on almost everything else

are just too stupid to count. And it's like I just, I can't take them seriously. And it's not just because of his voice. Yeah, and but like a protest vote, your protest vote is for a candidate who like meets with Rabbi Schmouli and says the exact same shit that Joe Biden says about Israel. Boring, boring.

Yeah. That's not just boring and annoying. It tells me that RFK is stupid enough to think that he will legitimately have a shot. He's so stupid that he's like, oh, I may actually be president, so I need to triangulate for the lobby. That tells me he's a moron. It seems like he's sort of trying to be a halfway crook when it comes to being a crank, which I don't respect.

I think you got to be a crank or not be a crank. And it seems to me like he's on any good piece of crankery, he's triangulating. But just on the fucking vaccine shit, he can't stop talking about it. And Felix, I agree with you. It's just like, I don't give a shit about the vaccine stuff. I love vaccines. I love all medicine. Like you said, medicine is great. I take a vaccine a day and I feel great. But that being said, it's like I'm comfortable in that. So I don't mind people saying it's poison, you know, it's just Everyone's got the I don't know what I'm supposed to know. Yeah, it's so

annoying that this has become like a Because like I am not going to do my own research. Fuck you. Everyone everyone is is really stupid and Fuck you. Everyone is really stupid and even dumber people are like you have to argue with me about what's in the shot and it's like neither of us know. What the fuck are you talking about? Like me and another guy who haven't seriously like thought about any hard science for like 20 years since we were like in school, we're going to argue about like, you know, oh, is there really mercury in it? I don't fucking know. What's the rate of out of mercury to have? I don't know whatever I have.

It's probably fine. Who gives it? Shut the fuck up. None of us know. Fuck you. It's like if there was was a national debate about calculus. Like, fuck off. None of us, no, shut up.

And most of the time, most of the time when someone is really into this stuff, Israel is like, I have my own Petri dish and I look at the vaccine. When someone's like that, but they're like, with me on foreign policy and they're like, we need to get rid of NATO, it's like that, but they're like with me on foreign policy and they're like, we need to get rid of NATO, it's like fine. I will, I will accept your, you know, you being into that for being with me on these other things. But RFK is, he's like a regular

Democrat at the end of the day with everything else, no matter what he says, his true heart is with status quo and foreign policy. Even if he says these things about empire, he always walks back to the normal position. But he's like, now that I'm done talking about the boring stuff, like NATO and the endless wars and BDS, okay, how about this? You know, let's run through the entire periodic table

and we'll talk about what's good and bad to have in your body. Yeah, I think it's like, I don't think none of us know. Fuck you. My attitude on vaccines is that like, it's my vice. I think it's a harmless vice, but don't yuck my yum, but in terms of everything else related to vaccines, it all falls under my very strictly enforced no homework policy.

I am not giving myself homework, nor will I even for a second allow anyone to assign me homework. Yeah, look, with vaccines, when I was 23, I smoked the grossest cigarettes ever created because there were a dollar cheaper than all the normal ones they're called winstens normally like a cigarette should that's what they say it's actually disgusting it actually the only other time i saw winstens they're being smoked by like a very dry looking old man

that you would see at the slot section of the casino. Not the good slots. I feel like I smoked Winston's in high school. They're awful, truly terrible. So you know, but I still, you know, I was coming into being a bad kid and the other bad kids had to school me that like Winston's are bad. Don't smoke this shit. They're bad for you. So I was like, oh, thank kid and the other bad kids had to school me that like Winston's are bad

Don't smoke this shit. They're bad for you. So I was like, oh, thank God Marlboro I I I smoke camels and I I smoke cools for like a year and I don't know why I did that I don't know what I don't know the fuck I was trying to prove What a weird choice I didn't even really like them, but um anyway, I, in that time, I still like overcame all the poison that's in Winston's, that isn't in normal cigarettes. And I, you know, I ran a really quick mile, I would run pyramid spritz at a 500 pound depth lift.

And I feel like if the human body can process Winston's, then it can process autism, mercury, uranium, anything else, it's in vaccines. And if you can't, if you have a vaccine injury, it's because you committed a terrible crime in a previous life. If you're one of the few that's injured by a vaccine, I hate to break it to you. One of your past lives, you were probably a gilder ray type figure. Well, I hate to say one of the things that RFK says in interviews about

like the vaccine autism link is that he's like, when I was coming up, I don't remember knowing a single autistic person. And now it seems like they're everywhere. And there's a certain, I mean, because, I don't remember knowing a single autistic person. And now it seems like they're everywhere. And there's a certain, I mean, because I wasn't alive. Yeah, of course, they're everywhere. Look at your campaign. No, but like, what I mean is like when I try to imagine like, what was like for my parents growing up and I'm just like, in my head, like, I'm not, you know, in my mind, pal,

I'm like, yep, no, that checks out. I don't see any autistic kids in my parents' high school. But the thing is, there were tons of autistic people back then. They just didn't know it. Like Dwight Eisenhower was probably autistic. Like, you know, probably half of the handsome generals were autistic. Just like, you know, with somebody autistic.

If you were autistic and from like a good family and had like a useful, you could have a useful talent, they would just like beat the shit out of you every day until, you know, you were like, okay, I have to stop stimming at work. But if you were not from a rich family, then they just killed you. And that's like why he doesn't understand. Like if you were, if your dad,

like his job was just to go into the coal mine and get dirty, like not even to get coal, he was just the designated, you know, get dirty guy. The dirt boy, the dirt boy of the coal mine, and he made three cents a day, which is what most jobs were like. It was a good job. You know, you can still buy a 4,000 square foot house

on that for 35 cents. You would, yeah, you and you were one of his nine kids, and you were autistic, they nine kids and you were autistic. They're throwing you off cliff. I guess like, in terms of like his, his triangulating on crinkery, do you remember a couple of weeks back with like the Roger Waters concert in Germany that was like canceled, the then uncancelled, and they tried to make a whole big deal about of like imagery from the wall that was supposedly like neo-Nazi or anti-Semitic.

It was a little garbage. But it was like, our RFK was out there defending his boy Roger Walters. He was like, yeah, this is not anti-Semitism. I stand with Roger Walters. And then there were Mr. Kennedy. He was attacking Israel. And he was like, what? I thought he was just attacking Jews.

And he threw him over the past. He was like, oh? I thought he was just attacking Jews. And he threw him over the past. He was like, oh no, like, yeah, like, yeah, like, this is inappropriate, blah, blah, blah, blah. Like, so I'm forgivable. Yeah, that doesn't show particularly good judgment, in my opinion. And I guess like, yeah, yeah, like, I mean, cause you know, if you, to say that the,

that pink Floyd's the wall is like a fascist document, it's just like, it's too stupid to even even consider so the fact that you either like believe that or willing to like walk it back and lie about that this is not particularly encouraging and the other the other thing I'll say this not particularly encouraging about Robert F Kennedy, junior is that that David Sacks asshole was holding a big fundraiser for him and it's like look I you like you know everyone needs money to run for office. But when I think about all of the other things David Sacks has endorsed or tried to sell the world,

like it doesn't exactly inspire confidence in the RFK Junior presidential campaign. Or RFK period. I mean, if we're categorizing RFKs and other David Sacks investment, he may die in the next week. That's very possible. And we would thank God. Like, I don't want him to die. Like, I don't want his family to be sad or anything like that.

You know, his family seems as lovely, but less people will be going, you know. You need to look at the molecules and fucking vaccines. That's, you know, you need to look at the molecules in fucking vaccines. That's, you know, sometimes bad stuff needs to happen. I mean, the fact that that this stuff is like supposed is now just assumed by millions of people to be a matter for public deliberation is assigned that the entire edifice of like authority has collapsed. And that seems like a way bigger deal because if that's the case, if the basic processes that are supposed to create

like publicly agreed upon understandings of like scientific phenomenon and medical policies, if that is totally untrustworthy for millions of people and they demand that we do public politicized discussions of stuff that regular people do not know anything about. You're not getting closer to the truth. You are showing that that is an impossibility at this point because you can't even address the fundamental collapse of the institutions. You can't even point to the real foundational cracks, like the fact that everybody trusts

medicine because it's a fucking giant moneymaking operation that leaves people a broken sick no matter what they do. And so instead of the inability to address that at all means there's got to be some realm we think that we could debate on and it ends up being a place that is the least politically useful because it's the least accessible to regular people, but we've all convinced ourselves that we could do the research. Yeah, you know, anything. It's the perfect mechanism to keep everything in status quo because people, this

is probably the dumbest people have been since like the year 1100, you know? It's pretty much absolutely. It's the same too. It's like we do, we have witches, we have people who think they can move the moon. Like 40% of Americans think the devil is actively pursuing them in their lives. I literally, man, I saw a post the other day. This was insane. This was like 10 years ago, if you said this, you would rightfully be killed by a local police department. But now it's cool to say, this guy was like, hey, hello fellow Catholics, I've been having visions of Joan of

Ark. Can anyone tell me what this means? And all the reply, the most like replies were like, this is almost certainly the devil trying to fool you. Like it was tech support. It's like you go on to read it when there's something wrong with your graphics card. That's what the thread was like. And it's like watch it, you know, you know, run, run a virus scan. Get the devil out of there. And it's, to me, it's like, you people are fucking insane.

Like this would, this would be insane five years ago. Like everyone would be like, you're all crackheads. Wait a second. So this person says like, I believe like the Holy Spirit is sending me visions of Joan of Arc or that I am Joan of Arc, reborn or something like that. What do I do? Well, what the fuck?

I think it'd be pretty self-evident. Pick up the sword and fight the British. Well, he was saying visions of Joan of Arc. Okay. And what did she was resoundingly told it was the devil trying to trick him. And that's like, that's like 30% of Americans. 40% are like, you know, no, that's stupid. Anyway, me and my friends are casting a spell to protect the moon.

And then there's like a QAnon people where it's like Ryan O'Neill is trapped inside a crystal and we have to get his soul to battle Neville Chamberlain and Tron. And that's it. Yeah, the dumbest populace ever and you take that 100% and it's like, okay, all of these disparate factions,

all of you, let's debate about biochemistry. Horrible. Well, I saw this guy, I saw I posted this weekend that was, I think it was actually a Republican politician and it was like a side by side photos of Joe Rogan shirtless and this like immunologist doctor that's become the new villain of all this. I don't know who this guy is. I don't like when it's again, I don't care, not looking into it. But he's sort of a dorky looking guy who has a bow tie and glasses and looks like sort of like a goofy like, you know, goofy nerd. And they were like, uh, who do you trust more with, uh, you know, your health? I know

where I'm going. And it's like, well, I trust Joe Rogan Moore on workout advice, which is a part of health, but much past that, I'm afraid I'm still trusting someone with a PhD. And I don't know what that means, but I didn't get a PhD. And I guess that's an appeal to authority, but it's what I'm sticking with. It's just what I'm sticking with. Like, the alternative is doing all your own homework and then somehow like dying from drinking bleach anyway. Joe Rogan's organs are the size of beach balls. He looks like he is, he is only not dead because he's, he's going to a steroid doctor. So, you know, some doctors are good, I guess.

If it's a steroid doctor, it's good. But if it's like a vaccine doctor, he should be killed. I like, it's, yeah, no. I would, like, they posted a shirtless picture of Joe Rogan, who has like the worst gear gut out of anyone. And they're like, like the obvious answers that you're supposed to take medical advice from him. I know, I don't get it.

Well, after, well, look, I've ripped off K now. So like, I'm gonna pull it back here and I'm just gonna say, equally entertaining to me is all of the consternation in hysteria among the the Biden Democrats and like the Democratic Party that like this is a threat to our democracy. This is a he's being funded by right wing billionaires and he's spreading lies and misinformation and this is all just a plot or whatever and it's just like look if if that's the case and this is a threat to Biden and the Democratic parties,

it's like, well, A, self-inflicted, because every poll says that Biden, like, no one wants him to run for president. And also, like, once again, not my problem, not my problem, just enjoy the show. It's gonna be fun. You guys picked this 1,000 year old man because you were like, we have to get Biden.

He's the most electableable and then like three years later It's like guys we have terrible news the least charismatic man ever is destroying his popularity RFK junior is destroying Biden's presidency, which it's not even that like RFK junior is not doing that But it's like that would not, if he really was the most electable guy, that would not be a concern. Yeah, you'd not be sweating it. I mean, it goes to the, the, the, the hysteria with which they freak out about it is just suppressed, the suppressed horror that they feel because they really do believe a untenable thing, which is that the Democratic

Party is the last line of defense against complete destruction of all democratic institutions, the rise of fascism. And yet that institution, the Democratic Party, is incapable of stopping an 80 year old senile man with 40% approval rating from risking an election. There's nothing within the party that can stop this from happening as long as he wants it. And that's their hope. That is what the institution that they've invested, their entire belief in a future in. And it is that fundamentally non functional. Of course, they're going to scream at anybody who is reminds them of that fact. And, you know, like, I'm not, I'm not the voting cops here, but like as far

as Protessa, Protessa votes go, I'm going with the good doctor, Cornell West, just simply for no other reason than I want to be referred to as brother will sometime in the future, perhaps an interview on this show. Cornell West is infinitely better choice than RFK junior. Even if he is running in the green party, yes, you know, I, you know, he's not making me do any homework. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, we need to be as line in the sand against people telling you to learn how to do science. Yeah, I don't do that in high school. You're not going to

get me to do it now. And he's, you know, he's never turned his back on Roger Waters. That I do know. I just another piece from the campaign. I got a Dessantis clip that I'm hoping Chris, can you bring that up? I want to play this clip because it has it's very There's a hell on earth connection to this clip and I want to share it It's it's ronda Santis being grilled by David Brody of the Christian Broadcasting Network on his Catholic face And what it means to him. So this is ronda sent us on Catholicism. It's talked to me a little bit about Theology from you know from the Roman Catholicism standpoint. There's a lot of tradition, there's a lot of rituals.

It's that's kind of how it's steeped. And even Jelicals kind of see it as that born-again relationship with Jesus, how do you process that? Have you thought about that type of stuff? You think about everything. I mean, I would think. Well, I mean, I think, you know, if you think about, like, you know, what's the most compelling part of the Bible?

There's a lot. For me, I would point out, you know, I'm the most compelling part of the Bible, there's a lot for me. I would point out, I'm the way, the truth, and the life. That's ultimately what the faith centers around. Yes, there's a lot of traditions, and I think a lot of those are nice, but at the end of the day, it's kind of, where is your heart with respect to God and what is that relationship? And so that to us, my wife and I is kind of where we center that.

And some of the history, I think, is really neat. And I've never actually been able to go over to the Vatican and see that. But in terms of how we do it, we really just focus on, what is the cornerstone of being a Christian in the modern world, and I think it's really back to that in John. You consider yourself Roman Catholic today, still. Okay, sounds good. Tell me a little bit about, do you have a like a favorite Bible verse or something that kind of, I would say, on the way the truth and the life from the book of John. I mean, I

think that... This is the same one he said, I'm like, oh my god. All right. We don't need, we don't need, we don't need, we don't need, we don't need, we don't need, we don't need, we don't need, we don't need, we don't need, we don't need, we don't need, we don't need, we don't need, we don't need, we don't need, we don't need, we don't need, we don't need, we don't need, we don't need, we don't need, we don't need, we don't need, we don't need, we don't need, we don't need, we don't need, we don't need, we don't need, we don't need, we don't need, we don't need, we don't need, we don't need, we don't need, we don't need, we don't need, we don't need, we don't need, we don't need, we don't need, we don't need, we don't need, we don't need, we don't need, we don't need, we don't need, we don't need, we don't need, we don't need, we don't need, we don't need, we don't need, we don't need, we don't need, we don't need, we don't need, we don't need, we don't need, we don't need, we don't need, we don't need, we don't need, we don't need, we don't need, we don't need, we don, we don't need, we don't need, we don, we don't need, we don't need, we don't need, we don't need, we don't need, we don't need, we don, we don't need, we don't need, we don, we don, we don, we don, just completely prove Matt and Chris your thesis that all American Catholics are just Protestants. Yeah, that's that's that's some Protestant ass shit there. And yeah, he's not in really violent. Like people aren't going to even say that that's wrong because like what else do you, what else what else you got, you know, you got not really does not like that he's Catholic. He's very annoying now. He wishes he was a mega church guy. Just like he wishes he was a, I guess, from Western Pennsylvania.

Yeah, he really resents being a Florida guy and resents being born there. Like in his book, I may have been born in a T.E. bar. My birthplace may have been desecrated by the filming of an H. B. L. Real Sex episode, but my epigenetic roots are in Allegheny County. I'm saying that basically from there. I like what he says that like Roman Catholicism, all traditions, their need. They're pretty neat. Yeah, it's neat.

And he says, the history of the traditions, they're neat. But he says, I haven't been able to go to Rome to see any of this. It's like doing counter the history. You gotta go, you gotta visit. Gotta visit. It's interesting that he has not been able to make it to Rome to explore his Catholicism,

but he has been to Tel Aviv. Good point. Good point. Well, that is Rome for the evangelical. Yeah. All right. Well, this is, this was my favorite news article of the week. It is headline, restaurant used fake priests to hear workers' confessions, feds say, this is by Shira Aviyona for the Washington Post, the owners of a Northern California Taka Ria chain will pay 140,000 in backwages and damages after federal investigators found they used a fake priest to elicit confessions of wrong doing from their employees, the labor department announced this month. Labor officials began looking into allegations that employees weren't being paid overtime wages at the Sacramento Area chain,

Takaria Garibaldi in May 2021. As investigators contacted employees, they learned that a man who purported to be a priest had been introduced by the owner to get the sins out of the restaurant workers, one former employee said, in an affidavit filed in the case. The priest began meetings with a prayer, Labor Department investigator, Raquel Alfaro, who testified last year, he then asked employees whether they were loyal to owner Eduardo Hernandez and whether they had ever stolen from him.

As soon as the confession started, I found the conversation to be strange and unlike normal confessions where I would tell a priest about the sins I wanted to confess former employee, Maria Paras, at in her sworn declaration, the priest mostly had work related questions, which I thought was strange. Now this is Catholicism that drives the Sanctus and can get by. Yeah. It gets even worse here.

Restaurant management also threatened employees with adverse immigration consequences and used pooled tips to pay managers in the Labor Department said June 12th. Another unnamed employee told investigators that manager Alejandro Rodriguez would not let us sit down and eat forcing workers to hide in the refrigerator during veils. I just love the idea of like, okay, like this is the work priest. You've heard of the hip priest. Here's the work priest. And then it's like a father.

It's been, it's been one week since my last confession. And I had, you know, I coveted, I had in pure thoughts or whatever. And it's like, no, no, no, fuck that. Have you been, have you been, have you been reporting all your tips? Have you been, have you had, have you had, Have you had bad thoughts about your manager? Please confess that. Every restaurant owner in America has the exact same personality as Reinhardt Hydrick. It's really incredible.

It's not even fully greed because, I mean, it is, but like, if you really wanted to make as much money as possible, you wouldn't be in the restaurant business. It's a really shitty way to make money. It's almost like secondary to your main focus of emisorating your employees. Yeah, yeah. You got to do some real hands-on misery making when you're a restaurant tour, real intimate stuff.

Yeah, well, you know, I had to close my restaurant. I may have only made negative $700,000 over the last 20 years, but at least I ruined a lot of lives. Yeah. Well, I like this merging of the service industry and religion and particularly the Catholic church, because look, okay, for our Catholic listeners out there, here's what you do, here's a little tip. Next time you go to confession, you're in the box,

the little screen opens up, you see the priest is ready to take your confession. Lay out five single dollar bills in the box, and then during the confession, when he's like really not bringing it, just take one away, and what's left over is where you're gonna put in the collection plate. So just look, let these priests know that they're on notice. I would like to take it a step further and make all confession boxes, the official yum brands confession box.

A chicken boss. Yeah, like if you have like maybe a sin card, and if you commit a sin and then you do your Hail Mary's and you don't commit the same sin for the rest of the year, you get like a punch. And if you get 10 punches, you get a free, famous bowl. But any repeat sins that gets taken off of your existing young brand points. And they just slide you the bowl like through the little professional slit.

It's like if you're on death row or something, you know, you just get like a trace stuck through the little slot. Oh, yeah, then Ron DeSantis can like issue an executive order where he's like a new thing, everyone executed in Florida. Their young brand points go to the families of their victims now. Not to the families of those executed. There's another bit in the the Decentis David Brody sort of theological seminary. We're Ron talked about how

like he likes to imagine himself or like he always wonders what it would have been like to be one of Jesus' disciples. Terms of throughout history, I think like, could I have been there with Jesus' disciples? I mean, these are people who, Peter's just fishing one day and all of a sudden, this guy comes up to him, catches all the fish and says, you're gonna be a fisherman, I want you to be a fisher of men,

come with me. And to talk about what that was like, talk about what their impressions are, what are that? I look back at that and would love to have been able to be there with them. And I think that is such a fucking funny idea to imagine Ron DeSantis walking around Galilee

and just being like, oh, wine, well, it's got sugar. Her like, you know, loaves, no thanks, man, no bread for me, man. No, the one thought I had, not carbon loading. The one, the one in truth I thought I had about this is at the last supper when Jesus says, one of you will betray me. There's just like his squeaky voice. It just says, wow.

Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Wow. Well, it's really, it's not gonna be me. That's right. I can tell. Yeah.

Just silver falling out of every pocket in your throat. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, I actually just sold my heart recently. That's what this is. That in I love that interview because the way the way he talked about you said it was like he was talking about it like it was being on a movie set. He sounds like such a fucking boob. He goes, I really wonder what

that would have been like to be there with John and Paul and, you know, meet all these guys and be like, man, you were a fisherman and now you're in a puzzle. What was that like? He wants to go back. He wants to go back at time to do like Chris Farley interviews of all the apostles. It's like, and then Jesus Christ being around him is like Harrison forward in every interview he has to do. And he's just like, wow, you're the son of a man and the son of God, what's that like? And he's just like, I don't know what you're talking about.

What's a red Hulk? How much song are we got here? Okay, all right. Does the Holy Ghost ever open up around you? How'd you get into being a Messiah? I would, I think that would be a great educational tool to do like a Vegeytel style thing, but it's Ron DeSantis sent back in time to different historical events. Ron DeSantis at the founding of Islam,

meeting Muhammad, punches pilot. I'm gonna be like, we're gonna revoke the tax status from your Roman protectorate man. He, yeah, he's, I really like anyone who asks any question that makes Ron get creative. I'm sick of Saturnalia being shoved down our throats. You know what, though, we don't want this woke holiday in Palestine, man. Sorry to all this ass fucking going on. I am going to be really sad when like we get less interviews from him. Yeah,

he's going to figure out eventually that the more he talks, the less good it is for him. Yeah. Enjoy it while it lasts. And I guess the last story I got for today, this is courtesy of the intercept, Daniel Bogas law, San Biddle and Ken Clippenstein. This is about the Pentagon's secret service troll social media for mean tweets about generals. Our beautiful, beautiful handsome generals are getting roasted online. And the Pentagon is, hey, they've got a new unit

to deal with this. This year, when the chair of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, General Mark Milley enters into his scheduled retirement later this year, one of the perks will include a personal security detail to protect him from threats, including embarrassment. The US Army Protective Services Battalion, the Pentagon's little known secret service equivalent, is tasked with safeguarding top military brass. The unit protects current as well as former high-ranking military

officers from assassination, kidnapping, injury, or embarrassment, according to Army records. Protective services mandate has expanded to include monitoring social media for direct, indirect, and veiled threats in identifying negative sentiment regarding its words, according to the Army Product Procurement Document, dated September 1, 2022, and reviewed by the Intercept. The expansion of the protective service battalions purview has not been previously reported. I like the carve out for embarrassment. Like, presumably, these guys are all, like, operators, former Delta, they blend in Army Rangers. Yeah, they see like the three stooges are walking down the street with a giant cake in general Millie's direction.

They will kill on site. They have a around the clock security detail to protect them from a potential pants to do the style scenario. Yeah, March Millie's going to think pants just fly off. And he's like, oh, God, my dick, fuck, fuck. I fully erected, oh, Mark Millie is like, the dance just fly off. And he's like, oh, God, my dick, fuck, I fully erect dick, oh, fuck.

So all these guys pulling out every type of belt they can find is the spenders. The guy just jumps across the dick like he's taking a bullet. No. But yeah, our handsome, beautiful generals, just be nice sort of them online, you know, because they're secret service detail is out there. This reminds me of a favorite topic of ours, the, the Queenie generals of the past. Yeah.

They really would have loved this. Like don't tell me Douglas MacArthur would not have loved like his very own B hive, like the Nicki Minaj fans. Yes. Yes. Like, I love that. Y'all like. Well, the MacArthur hive is a guy. The Carthor hive is coming for Harry Truman. We know that the general is going sane with like any kind of attention like look what happened with Macrystal like some reporters. Yeah, I killed Michael. His name goes insane off of Bud Light Limes and start saying how he wants to give Joe Biden a swirly and of course David Patreus Getting all horned up and just giving his biographer access to everything as soon as people decided he was a genius But these guys are all snapping.

And the story's about like Miley at the end of the Trump presidency, like running around being like, I am the last line of defense. They're all, they're all, and of course, who can forget biomanard like regular old general Michael Flynn who took one look at the internet and his brain melted like it was in a fucking microwave. outman our like regular old general Michael Flynn, who

one look at the internet and his brain melted like it was in a fucking microwave. Yeah, Michael Flynn, Michael Flynn, like until he was 60, probably the most boring guy in the world would even apple with a knife and four. And then he sees like one meme by an insane person that's like, Michael Flynn's cool. And he's like, I have I've been I've been talking to Cleopatra and my dreams. We're going to kill all the child

rapers soon. I just I have none of these generals start getting messages from Joan of Arc. That's all I can say. Yeah. Well, is there a Pentagon unit that like watches out for demons? That there should be people. They're really should be. I didn't know. Apparently this Joan of Arc thing is widespread. Like it's a very popular technique by demons. Have you seen this woman in your dreams? If you seen this French teenager in your dreams,

she may have looked somewhat boyish, had sort of a Bob haircut. Let us know. It could be a demon. But what if Joan of Arc is actually out there, trying to contact people from the other side, and he's just getting, you know, it's like, you know, it's like how every phone call now

is a fucking scam. Like did you see the thing about how the mayor, like President Biden was trying to call the mayor of Philadelphia after the I-95 collapse? And the guy just like picked up his phone, it was an unregistered, unrecognized number, and he was like, fuck this, and didn't pick it up. So like a similar thing may be happening

in the spiritual realm now, where like, you know, one out of every 50 contacts from past lives is of life changing importance. You need to pick up the phone, but you don't because most of the time, they're just fucking demons trying to rip you off. Well, that would be incredible because like, you know, they say like a lot of this scam, this scams come from like the specific place in India where they like really figured it out.

They're really good at it. That would mean those guys have, you know, they surpass their mastery of the telephone. And now they're on to astral projection Hello, Joan of Arc. Are you there? Are you beautiful? Angel? I live in castle They're really it there really is like this one Romeo dying a Romeo dying Amelia air heart There really is though this like one down in India in India where like, that's like the main thing is like fooling stupid old Americans.

Like there, it's like one town in particular, I forget what it's called, but they're just like awesome at it there. There's this YouTuber who's like, his main thing is like getting these scam callers and he he like figured it out but I yeah he just like get them on the phone and then just wind them up yeah yeah he's good yeah he's good but I don't know he should ask them about their ability to enter the dreams of young Catholic men. Just pick up the phone when it calls. It could be Joan of Arc calling. Yeah.

Pretty cool how a major form of human communication is now completely unusable thanks to scams and flams. I love that. That was a jeep pie thing. Remember a jeep pie? Oh yeah. Yeah. He was the fidget spinner FCC guy. Yeah. He was the guy who like he changed a lot of like the few remaining FCC

guidelines on stuff like this like spam calls. Like he probably singularly more responsible for you know getting scant getting scam texts and calls at an increased rate in the last three years. If you want to talk about a guy who it would be universally regarded to be good and funny if he died in the summary index of the Titanic, I just pie would be half of that fucking list. Everyone would agree on that one. He um, do you remember when he did a Harlem shake video in like 2018? Yeah. It was. Yeah. Well, hopefully he gets into a dirigible soon. Oh, well, we could get him on one. We could be like, we just found a meme dirigible.

It's got that boy in Harambe, and all the hilarious memes you love on there. We'll be setting it down to the bottom of the Marianist trench in the joy. Let's leave it there for today. But before we go, we got some announcements kicking over to Chris. Hello everybody. Yes, we have two different exciting announcements today. First, I can announce what maybe our only live shows this year. We'll see what happens, but so far, the only ones we have scheduled, we are finally coming to Canada.

This is a big tour, but we are spending an extended weekend in Ontario and Quebec. We are going to be in Toronto on Thursday, August 17th, at Danforth Music Hall. And in Montreal on Saturday, August 17th at Danforth Music Hall. And in Montreal on Saturday, August 19th at the Corona Theater. Now, I'm still getting final information on these things. I believe we are going to be offering a Patreon pre-sale. I will be making all these announcements on the Patreon and on Twitter.

So just keep your eyes out for how these tickets are going to go on sale when the links are all up and ready to go together. But if you live in Toronto and want to come to see us, keep Thursday, August 16th open. And if you live in Montreal and want to come and see us, keep Saturday, August 19th open, ticket links will be out as soon as I have them. You guys excited for Canada? I'm very excited. I'm very excited.

And just quick note, a little bit of housekeeping here. There will be two shows in Montreal, the first in English, the second in French. Yes, we will be we will be winging the French. Yes. For the entire 90th. Then the second thing I have is we have a new feature launching tomorrow that is Wednesday the 21st on Patreon. This is a digital shop on Patreon. What this is is the ability to, in addition to subscribing, which is always a feature there for the weekly episodes, we are releasing a few digital collections of some classic genres of episodes we have. We are launching this tomorrow with four digital collections. I have put together a collection of all of our movie reviews split into two parts. So each of those

is about 20 episodes. I have put together all of our Matt's a nebriated past episodes plus the Poppy series into one collection of I believe 17 episodes. And then all of our TV reviews, that's all of our classic Aaron Sorkin series, the West Wing one, the newsroom episode, plus all of Felix's, not forget studio 60 on the Census Strait. Into a collection. Oh, it's studio 60, of course, yes.

And that is like 25 episodes. You can purchase all of those for one time fee, each of those collection of, for one time fee of $9.99. Now, I assume a lot of you guys are already subscribers who are listening to this, but if you're not, or if you just want all those episodes in one place, that will be available at patreon.com slash chapo trap house slash shop. Or if you know, you know, somebody you think would be, it might be interested in getting into the show and want a good way to test out what the subscription offers you.

That's a good way to get in. So those collections will be available starting tomorrow Wednesday, June 21st. So digital collections and then as time goes on, we're going to add more stuff to that, including some of the mini series like movie mindset and hell on earth. But we're going to let those be subscription only probably through the summer and then towards the end as we want a new round of many series Which we'll tell you more about later We'll make those available. So those are two things live shows ticket information Coming soon and digital collections live tomorrow. Thank you. That ought to keep us so be as quiet 999 plan. Yes. All right. Um, yeah, check those out and I hope to see you guys in Canada in August.

Alright, signing off for today. Bye bye. Take it easy, we've got a hunch, you won't go waste, you won't go waste, Well we'll all go in a bunch, we'll believe in you in the summer, And we won't come back till fall. Good by Broadway, hell all Montreal, there we know more orange cross face, You can bet your anger's all. Good by Broadway, hell all Montreal, we're on our way, We're on our way, and we'll make hoop, hoop, hello Montreal, we're on our way We're on our way, and we'll make hoop, hoop, hoop, eat night and day

There we go, the branch of breweries all around our bedroom wall Good by Broadway, hello Montreal Oh, we won't get home until morning I'll be back at home with a more