Chapo Trap House - 804 - All My Neighbors Cousins feat. Pod About List (2/5/24)

Episode Date: February 6, 2024

Caleb, Patrick and Cameron of Pod About List stop by to take a look at the lighter side of news. Topics include: mandatory potty training in Utah, a Chinese spy bird, dick biting, and the international crisis of cousins. Pod About List is on tour with Home Planet soon, find all their dates here: https://www.swagpoop.com/shows And check out Home Planet’s recent video “Junior Associate” featuring Pat & Caleb here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fLBMKU8f6KE&ab_channel=HomePlanet

I Oh Well ladies and gentlemen, it's a Monday February 5th and Choppo is back at it again Felix and I are joined today by our pals from pal Cameron Cameron and Cameron Cameron welcome to the show It's the pot about list gang here to take here to take a look at the later side of the news You know we've been covering a lot of a lot of disturbing stories lately Well, let's talk about let's talk about some of the funner things happening in the news So just um let's hit those Grammys y'all. Yeah, let's talk about, let's talk about some of the funner things happening in the news. So just, um... Let's hit those Grammys, y'all.

Yeah. Let's do it. Who had the best outfit last night? I think it was Cameron. Hmm. Did you guys watch the Grammys? Is this something you guys like? I did not see the Grammys.

I saw that Killer Mike was arrested at the Grammys this morning. That's what I saw. And I saw the Tracy Chapman performance, which was nice. I didn't see either of those. What did Killer Mike get arrested for, man? Apparently, he like, I don't know, he got into like a shoving match like eight hours before the Grammys.

I don't like if it was a guy who's like the same size as him. I think that's fine. Yeah, I know. You should just walk away from that. Yeah, it's called the police on a shove Yeah, I just I don't know I just don't I don't agree with I don't agree with that if it's like when two huge fat guys Shove each other isn't that I mean that's like a sanctioned sport in most countries I know also I bet I bet you that the that he sho the, they could go into the shoving match. They

were about to arrest him right then and there and then they went, hold up, we can get on TV at the Grammys. That's wait a little while and arrest him later. There is nothing better than watching two giant guys who look like catcher's mitts just like pushing each other back and forth somewhere. Oh yeah. They really should have been one of the performances at the Grammys I feel. Didn't you go see Sumo like not that long ago? I did. I went to Sumo plus sushi in the Bronx and it was really,

really awesome. And then I saw those guys collab with Guga Foods. Oh wait. I felt like I met Guga man. Yeah, the whole video. He was like I could not even cook enough or the sushi guys That was like the whole he was like he acted like he was in trouble because They ate all the food and he was maybe scared they were gonna eat him next This is a restaurant where you can watch a sumo match. Oh, well, no, this is no restaurant my friend You will not find a brick-and-mortar store for sumo plus sushi This is a traveling circus style show Oh, okay in which you go and they give you the same sushi from the grocery store that I think they buy next door

They charge you $60 for the sushi and then you get to watch the sumo for free That's a pretty good deal. Yeah I mean, it was awesome. I'm not gonna lie. It was fucking awesome. Oh, yeah. We're the we're the sumo wrestlers. Were they all Japanese? Because I am. I'm interested in like white sumo wrestlers. There was they were Japanese and then I think there was one guy who's Hawaiian. Yeah. But here's the trick. I noticed this after my keen eye noticed this a couple of hours into sumo plus sushi the sumo was rigged That's unfortunate. How did they would oh they'd run at each other and slap each other and then one of them would completely flop as we dream on green fall over

Really sad that that actually makes sense because like if you're doing like a ton of if you're doing like a ton of if you're doing like, you know Four matches a month then you're you know Bob sap. No, no Bob sap. He's in a lot of like Old viral MMA clips. He's like this gigantic like He's like seven foot one. one is this giant black dude and He would always just like run at his opponents. He was really big in pride in K1 but he's sort of he's infamous for like throwing fights and When he was asked about it, he's like, yeah, no

I just I don't want to take any damage because I you know I fight ten times a month as a professional can for even halfway decent fighters. So the moment he gets into trouble, he just instantly taps out. I get it, man. Fuck all that. No. I would tap. They put me in an MMA fight. I'm tapping out instantly. I mean, I'm not.

I would literally, the bell would ring and I would get on my knees and I would beg and just get off. Please, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Literally I would they would the bell would ring and I would get on my knees and I would beg and just I think I think avoiding taking damage is an excellent fight strategy I mean I pursued you pursued, you know, if I, if I pursued a career in combat sports, my strategy would be never get hit. Take no damage, defeat my opponent's perfect, perfect one shot every time. Right. That would be ideal. I would say. Kind of a glass cannon build. Just train one fist to be really, really strong. DPS.

Really sharp, maybe. Really deadly. I'm able to kill anybody in just one hit and you just kind of kite around for a minute like a Japanese watermelon put your hand into a the little kid you just get your hand stuck in an ice cream cone. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, there you go. Okay, get your hand stuck in an ice cream cone and then get the ice cream cone like brass or something. Like, dip it in molten metal.

So, you know what? Wolverine style. Get that mintium on it. Well, fellas, I think we have just discovered a great new event to be included in the Peter Teal Drug Olympics. Oh, yes. Folks, Peter Teal announced this week plans to have a sort of like, I don't know, the

human enhancement games. So yeah, like there'll be Wolverines out there. There'll be Wolverines. I mean, I'm like, if you're a Wolverine, I would probably go for a combat sport. But you know, if you're into marathon running, there's room for Wolverines in that in that he's good at that too. I'm rewatching all those movies right now He ran all through the Civil War. Yeah, I Watched that last night. Well, he's in the Civil War. Yeah, he's in he goes through every single. How does he go to the Civil War? He's immortal. He's a mortal. Okay, okay But I thought he was an experiment and I thought they didn't have experiments back that far.

No, no, no. They're going to learn today. The claws are part of the experiment. When they put metal on his skeleton, that was obviously an experiment. But the thing where he can get shot in the head and he's like you made a mistake Bob. That's all natural. Yeah, well, so he's been around forever? Yeah, Cameron Cameron Cameron. There is much you don't know about the X-Men Wait, we'll add something and you you are about to learn. He's been around since roughly the early 19th century his mutant ability of enhanced healing factor But lets his body age much slower. He's not immortal.

He was born with claws, but it was the Project Weapon X experiment that gave him the adamantium skeleton and blades on his claws. But Wolverine, if you're out there, please contact Mr. Peter Teal. There's a new Olympic event that pits you against 500 children to see who can win and about a man with razor sharp claws Or or children before you get upset though the children signed a contract before they will read death match So you can't get upset. That's legal. I feel like Peter teal doing this like that, you know The oh sports league where all steroids are legal It's the same thing as if he like started an award show for everything but rap and country

It's just such a like such a boring Boring guy opinion that everyone everyone is the first they they think they're the first guy to come up with this Oh, I think oh, they should just have a uoC where everyone pisses hot. People have been seeing this for like 20 years. I feel like the key to making something like that really saying is not the is not the steroids or the drugs or anything like that. I really think I think it's body mods and mutations. Yeah, I think, you know, swim meets with people who were born with flippers, stuff like that.

Like it should be Warhammer, Space Marines. Yeah, completely. Yeah, like operations to to Trent, the the Black Alien project. I was just I was gonna bring up the Black Alien. Yeah. Do you guys know, are you familiar with the Black Alien project? No, tell me more. I would like to know more.

I'm so excited to tell you about this guy. He is a he is only 45% complete with his operation. But this is a man who has been doing so many body modifications to himself to look like a black alien and He's he's gotten his he's gotten his ring. Okay, your fingers removed. Is he black though? No, no, no, it's all tattoos. He's black now, but he used to be white. I don't think he's He's black now, but he used to be white. I don't think he's Or something but he also have lips. Yeah, he got his lips removed. He got his nose removed. Yeah, there he is Yeah, first guy right there. So this guy like go like Dermals in his arm so that he has ridges

He looks more like an orc to me. Well, he's only 45% of the way done. Yeah, he posted recently that his Photoshop picture showing his final completion where he photoshopped his head to be really elongated like an alien. So I think he's going to try and find a doctor who will stretch his head to be twice the height. Or how would he do that though? You think that they would just like, have you seen that like Turkish barber that puts like, oh yeah, the like, I think that's the only way for his head to get elongated. There's no way that he could get like a cranium dermal that like is that

long. I know, I know another barber he could go to that would elongate his head if you know what I'm talking about. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, certain barber shops that doesn't require our clothes. I like that. Oh, my God. I have some crazy news about the Black Alien project, guys. I just opened it. He has given up on body modification.

What? He has halted the project temporarily at 65%. Okay. Okay. Temporarily is good. I was afraid you were going to say like, oh, now he's going to get like his real estate broker. I'm only 45% turned myself into a monster. Time to reenter the work force. Yeah. I love this. Well, what he does say, what he does say, he says, I'm putting it into the modification of my body for the moment I no longer like this world. I'm going to finish my full black all over the body I mean except for going full black okay, he's going full black that means he won't be getting a spot in the Peter teal enhanced

he won't be getting a spot in the Peter Teal enhanced I mean, I think it's a great idea from Peter Teal I'm thinking of like a couple events because a couple events like this like okay It's a row of treadmills and it's basically like an endurance cardio event But after every five minutes you have to keep snorting cocaine and basically the last one who is still Still his heart is still pumping blood And basically the last one who is still, his heart is still pumping blood wins the medal. I don't think it may be a Peter Teal NFL where the white players get to play in mech suits from Avatar. Let's make it fair.

Let's make it fair. Yeah, he's going to put a lot of money in research into flubber. He's going to make flubber real. So, finally, do have an advantage. I hope that we think it's going to be steroids, but maybe he hasn't clarified it. It ends up being like spells are allowed. And you have new back flips in every sport. I'd like that. Yeah, that would be sick.

Yeah. It's like if it's kind of what you guys are talking about with like turning your fist into a spear, like if it's if it's less steroids and more like BME pain, Olympics and magic. It's pretty cool. True. He did say Olympics didn't specify which if Peter Thiel does make flubber reel though, I take back every bad thing I've said about him. I think that is a worthy endeavor for mankind. Put me in the training or the testing phase. I'm going to test Flubber out. I don't think I ever realized until this very second how much I want Flubber to be real. Yeah. I really would like that to happen. You don't think about that every day?

No, I kind of haven't thought about Flubber since I was a kid and now I'm thinking about it and I'm like, they really need to get on that immediately. You just want a friend man. Dude, it's a friend that bounces. He's literally just a friend. First of all, I can be a basically a million guys in only one blob of flubber. It can split apart. Second of all, I can bounce around. When I was a kid, I thought flubber could solve all my problems. Oh yeah. There's nothing in my ass right now. Yeah. Did Flubber make things fly in the movie too? Or did they just bounce in a way they looked like they were yeah, yes, the car and there was a robot too

I just remembered that the doesn't the flubber fall in love with the robot I think the robot falls in love with the human interesting Flubber flubber doesn't have emotion Flubber is like a virus when I get a Curious buddy once I get near that flubber. Uh-uh. It's gonna be feeling all sorts of things. Yeah, you're gonna get a BBL made out that flubber. Uh-uh. It's going to be feeling all sorts of things. Yeah. You're going to get a BBL made out of flubber. You'll be bouncing from state to state. That's why we got to sit on the airplane seat when you're flying back from getting your BBL. Because then the plane's out of the plane. The plane's going to look like an SI drop.

Then the plane would fly. Yeah. Well, I mean, I had this story station saved for later, but since Caleb, since you brought up, um, sumo wrestling, and I guess this is tangentially related to wearing diapers. So I'd like to share a story with you now from courtesy of Slate mat Slate.com. This is this is the headline here is toilet trouble. Kids and diapers and kindergarten's don't need laws to fix them. Kids wearing diapers and kindergarten do not need a law to fix them. Here's the story.

A Utah legislator has proposed a bill, HB331, that would require students to be toilet trained before they are enrolled in kindergarten. The bill sponsored by Representative Douglas Welton may sound reasonable, but it actually represents everything our culture gets wrong about toileting accidents. If passed into law, it will harm kids. Let's start with this. This is everything that rage against the machine saying again. Fuck you. I won't do what you tell me. Fuck you. I won't shit where you tell me. Fuck you. I won't shit where you tell me.

Okay. Let's start with the bill's rationale. In interviews with the media, Welton has said that Utah needs HB331 because too many children are showing up for kindergarten in diapers, overburdening teachers. That's not what teachers signed up to do, to teach kids how to potty train, Welton told the Salt Lake Tribune. That's a parent issue. That should happen before kids get to kindergarten. Okay, so I'm waiting to hear the rebuttal to this, but like I think I feel pretty much on terra firma

Saying that like if you are still shitting in diapers by the time you enter kindergarten That's that's not good. That's not good When it says like teachers like the teacher shouldn't be doing this So the team gives the party train like this is implied that teachers are changing kids in kindergarten doing this. So the teaching kids to party training, like this is implied that teachers are changing kids in kindergarten. He just sort of like tug on your teachers' pants and be like, teacher, please wipe me. I'm glad I didn't know that was a rule when I was in kindergarten. I would have abused this rule. Oh yeah.

I'm showing my teacher my ass every day. Does this feel a little bit like a way to curb like school shootings? Like kids who are still working, wearing diapers, just like, you're not even allowed in the school. And we know where this ends. I mean, like, I think about the kindergarten. Were there any kids in your kid? I mean, look, we've all had that one kid in the class who shit his pants, not me, wasn't me. But like, were there kids in your schools going up

who were still wearing diapers and like kindergarten? Not in kindergarten. I mean, maybe this is a Utah thing. Yeah. Oh. It could be some Mormon like crazy at like, I feel like they wear diapers all the time. I feel like that's like, isn't that like written into their, yeah. There's written into their body. They wear full body diaper underwear, whatever it's called, temple garment. Yeah. They wear full body diaper and it's magic armor as well. It's more perceived outside things, getting in like bullets, more than inside things, getting out like pee and poo. I bet I could get rid of that. You got to

expel toxins. That's true. Well, you know, if you're wearing something like that, you can just kind of go in it as you please and then clean it out at the end of the day, kind of a cleanse. Well, here's the thing. I don't know if anybody in my class were a diaper when I was a kid because it would have been under all their clothes and I didn't go to that kind of school. But if somebody has a diaper, it doesn't have a diaper on, it shits their pants, now everybody's going to know.

Yeah. So this is maybe even worse for these kids who are doodling. Well, like you say, like you wouldn't know they're wearing a diaper if it was concealed under their clothing until they soil it, filling it with feces. And then like, then they will be asking, someone change me, someone change my diaper, someone wipe me, like, because then they're just walking around with a diaper full of shit. So I mean, I don't know, like, it's going to be a problem regardless. But it's just here, Welton's bill requires assurances from a parent that a parent's student is toilet

trained. If the student then has bathroom accidents, the family would be referred to a counselor or social worker for support. The child would be subsequently reintegrated after they had become toilet trained. I like that the kid gets to go back into GenPop after being in diaper solitary. It's just that, but HB331 is based on a neuroneous assumption that five year olds who need diapers are not toilet trained. In reality, school-aged children in pull-ups like Steve's patients at his practice

in pediatric urology are toilet trained and were taught by caring and diligent, if frustrated parents. Accidents have nothing to do with instruction or slacker parenting. Rather, virtually all of wetting accidents and soiling accidents are symptoms of chronic constipation, a condition that's misunderstood, overlooked, and untreated. X-ray these kids and you'll see a rectum enlarged to at least twice the normal diameter of... Okay, no, not now. No, no. Wait, wait, no, no.

I'm not. This is a good idea. I'm not at you. No. That is a great way to just get into way more trouble. Hey, hey, hey. I'm your son's kindergarten teacher. Do you know the size of your son's asshole?

Pretty soon, they're like metal detectors at high school, every kindergarten giant x-ray machine to see if they have shit poking out of their ass, turtling. Well, the bill is gonna make it so the kids have to wear the diaper on the outside of the pants, like a bulletproof vest or like a cop. This year, how does this happen? Well, when children delay pooping, as they often do,

stool piles up in the rectum, which stretches accordingly. In some kids, the oversized rectum aggravates the nearby bladder nerves, causing the bladder to hiccup forcefully and abruptly emptying day or night. Most kids with daytime accidents experience bedwetting too. Often, the stretched rectum loses so much sensation and tone, imagine a sock that's lost its elasticity that the child cannot peel the urge to poop and or fully evacuate. Stool just drops out of the floppy rectum without the child noticing. We know this is a vivid image, but these are the facts.

Thank you. Slate.com. Newspaper newspaper record. So they're saying they're saying that like kindergarteners are like run through by not pooping. Yeah, what the fuck? This is in a bill or this is Slate saying. Okay. All right.

Well, this is Slate's argument against HP 331, the bill that would require students to shit in toilets instead of having their floppy rectums trail shit everywhere because they've delayed pooping. You know what? This is actually the very first chapter of Charles Bukowski's childhood memoir, Hem on Rye, features a scene where he talks about delaying pooping and having it harden inside of him because he doesn't want to shit at home So he's talking about walking home with a sock full of hard shit That's bad that is like I feel like that is like

something I wouldn't say it's like Universal But I feel like a lot of kids You know they hold it in a lot because it is scary to like shit in an unfamiliar bathroom when you're five Right and holding it in is also just fun. Yeah Game to do throughout the day you turn another event to be a feature at the Peter Teal Enhanced Humanity Olympics. Hold it. Yeah, I know that. Now that's making me think like most of this Peter Teal Olympic thing

is going to just be like Kenny versus Spenny episodes. Yeah. It's just like every single challenge is like that. So, it says here, referring to Steve, who's the urologist expert in this. He says, in Steve's experience, adults in diapers, students in diapers who are referred to school counselors don't get the help they need. Worse, they're subjected to treatment they don't need. Schools routinely recommend counseling, art therapy, sticker charts, and potty training

action plans. When what these kids actually require is a course of suppositories and X-Lacks. Accidents persist and kids feel like failures. How will they feel if they live in Utah and can't even attend school? Over the years, Steve has had countless patients suspended from school, threatened with suspension, or simply humiliated into disenrolling because they couldn't graduate from diapers.

I like the idea about art therapy and sticker charts for kids who can't shit right. Yeah. Well, take the shit and make art out of it. Or, you know, like a shit shit. Yeah, right. Draw the poop you want to take. Yeah. Anything that can become a sticker if it has a glob of shit on the back of it.

See, this is the problem with today's society and today's schools. We have these kind of Nambi Pamb, soft art therapy type things to figure this out. And truly, the answer is all what you have to do is you have to take a diaper. You have to make it look really scary and you have to put spikes in it. You say, okay, if you're going to, if you're going to shit in a diaper, there's a diaper you're going to have to wear. And the kids are going to straighten out iron made in diaper. I think, I mean, I think we need to just educate kids how good it is. Just how good it feels to take a shit you know like I mean it isn't intimidating to

shit in a school bathroom, an office bathroom but here's the thing it's stealing time from the school or your employer. That is the true benefit of shitting somewhere other than your house especially when you're on the clock like at school or at your job. Just take like just go go out to school, say I'm having trouble with my diapers, but I got a potty train, then you take a lovely 20 minute dump during math class. No one can get mad at you. No one can get mad at you. I pretty much used to do that every class when I went to school. Oh, yeah. Of course. In college, you're supposed to do. God, if I had to have a diaper on in college, I would have learned so many things against my will. He started talking about Sylvia Plath,

and I go, normally I say, okay, well I have to go take a humongous giant shit right now. But then all of a sudden I'm sitting there here and all this bullshit, fuck that. Well, sticking your head in an oven is one way to deal with that. Also, yeah, like, there's a lot more advice here. But I mean, you get the picture kids in Utah are not shitting right, but we shouldn't we shouldn't

judge them for that. Right. It could happen to anybody. That's an amazingly curated story just for us coming on the show, by the way. I know that this is if it was just you and Felix, there's no way you'd be talking to Kids walking around with shit in their pants in Utah. So I appreciate that. Alright, next story. Experts say 2 million on the verge of starvation in Gaza. Alright, let's wrap it up about this one. Moving on to the shit-suck story.

Here is another one from the later side of the news. Pigeon was cleared of being a Chinese spy, but served eight months anyway. Wait, Cameron, why are you nodding your head? You know this story? The pigeon. I'm nodding because I'm happy the pigeon was cleared. It's not fair. But for them, was this a giant? This is a national trial. You haven't been following this. Casey Anthony style. On a bird. Yeah, this is on this is on the news every day. Have you seriously not been keeping up with this?

I mean, you should have known we were going to talk about this on Chapo Trap House. Where are you? Form me. This is how out of the news I am. Here we go. This is from the New York Times. Suspicion of foreign espionage, cursive messages in ancient Chinese, a sensitive microchip, and a suspect that could not be stopped at the border. Ravindar Patel, the assistant Mumbai police sub-inspector assigned to the case, was scratching his head for answers.

But first, he had to find a place to lock up the unusual suspect. Why is this written like a noir story? A suspect that couldn't cross the border. Why is it written like this? So he turned to a veterinary hospital in the Indian metropolis, asking to retrieve a list of very confidential and necessary information about the suspect. A black pigeon caught lurking at a port where international vessels docked. Oh, they caught a pigeon lurking.

Yeah, it was lurking on a statue near a sensitive infrastructure But it says here the police never came back to check the pigeon said dr. My your dongar the manager of the hospital after eight months the bird was finally set free this week It's innocent so spying for China long confirmed through crack detective work But the jail door is slung only flung open only after a newspaper report repeated letters to the police by a veterinary hospital and an intervention from an animal rights group. The group, PETA India, celebrated what it called the end of a wrongful imprisonment. It says, the bird had been spotted by guards with the central industrial security force

which watches over government facilities like ports. Not the first to cast a critical eye on the pigeon, the duty officer saw this one loitering alone. It was just sitting there, and it looks suspicious to them. The chip and ring on its feet, Mr. Patel said, the guard informed the police. Once Mr. Patel had found a place to lock up the bird, the slow work of investigation began, and he started piecing together clues. The rings on the bird's legs, including one that had a chip, were sent to the Ferman's Exinsis lab. The chip had details of the location coding, what it is, where it had come from. Nothing else turned out to be suspicious. He cross-checked the details with information online and concluded that the pigeon was a racing bird from Taiwan. Speaking to the guards at the port,

which mostly receives oil vessels bringing crude from before refining, he learned that the Taiwanese ships are among those that docked there. He deduced that the bird had probably reached Mumbai on one of the ships. Ah, the game is afoot. But what have the cursive writings on the word it wins? It was not readable, he said. Because it came by sea, it may have faded. So I like that you pigeon got one of those tattoos that's like, yeah, this means power and family. Really just nonsense.

I feel like I can, I can identify so much. I can really put myself in the experience of these, of these guards at this facility, like just being completely not having no idea what I'm doing at my job, like seeing something and just be like, I guess maybe that could be something like, and just having this four other guys who are so fucking stupid also there with me, just be like, I don't know, man. He said, I guess you see, he put it out. I mean, maybe we should call us in. I'm like, you think so? And they're like, yeah, man, I don't know. It could be. What do you think? I'm like, this does feel like a, like a Dale episode of King of the Hill where a pigeon lands in his backyard.

That's a Chinese spy. Eight months, dude. Taking care of up. That was someone's job for eight months to take care of a pigeon. It's pretty awesome. What if it like unlocked something in them and now they're like the biggest pigeon handler in Mumbai? But maybe something, maybe there was something good that came from this. Maybe

he found a new love for pigeons. Whoever was taking care of the pigeon definitely got a message from us. Started walking around the precinct with the pigeon on one of the like falconry hood things. The arm thing. He's not being a fucking pigeon. He's training thousands of pigeons now to hand deliver the message, hello, sweetie, India is lying too. People all over the world. You know those like good morning flowers that they love to send in India?

Yeah. That would be a great job for pigeons. Oh, yeah. That is genius. Yeah, because do you remember the story from like two or three years ago that like The Indian Internet was buckling under the weight of all the good morning messages. Yes Yeah, that should entirely be the domain of birds would alleviate a lot of bandwidth Oh, yeah, just put a micro SD card tape it around their leg

Send them all it send them everywhere send them wherever you want But you know, I just like for our listeners there like if you're if you're near a pork Or in a major urban area of any kind and you see a pigeon that looks suspicious Please report it if you see something say something that is a truly amazing news story. I can't believe this is gone under my radar Next up, isn't that another curated part about this story? The Great Cousin Decline. There are less cousins than ever. This is a story in the Atlantic from December. And it says here, okay, it begins,

perhaps you've heard Americans are having fewer children on average than they used to. And that has some people concerned. In the future, the elderly could outnumber the young, leaving not enough workers to pay taxes and fill jobs. Kids already have fewer siblings to grow up with and parents have fewer kids for them to care care for them as they age oh and people have fewer cousins but who's talking about that with many Yeah. Unless you've got the cousins are like, I don't know, conjured or something different. Yeah. He likes someone's like, like we're running out of food and then someone's like,

yeah, well, what about lunch? I was like, I don't know. You don't become a cousin until you register with the Cousins Bureau. Then you're, you know, some fucking kid. You know, people are not registering their cousins anymore. So we don't even know the extent of the crisis. There could be millions of cousins out there in America right now just going like uninvited. Saying, what am I?

What the fuck am I? It is really sad to think about a Ronan cousin because I just wandering figure out like a fucking is yeah yeah he has no he has no one to like talk about salt burn with when Buster Scruggs came out he just

didn't know what the I guess I'll just watch it by myself. Yeah, I know who's going to watch. Like that Thanksgiving is going to be ruined forever. There's going to be nobody to go on walks with. Yep. Yep. Because nobody wants to work anymore. American kids, they don't want to put in the hard work of being a cousin.

Yeah. No. So it's just despite being related by blood to put in the hard work of being a cousin. No. No. So, it says that despite being related by blood and commonly in the same generation, cousins can end up with completely different upbringings, class backgrounds, values, and interests. And yet, they share something rare and invaluable. They know what it's like to be part of the same particular family. American families are shrinking in general, but with cousins that drop happens at a dramatic scale Shajang a UC Berkeley Demographer put it to me this way if everyone hypothetically went from having five kids to having four kids

That would mean one less sibling for each child But it would yield a much bigger decrease in first cousins instead of having a child I said of a child having four aunts or uncles who each have five kids 20 cousins They would have three aunts or uncles who each have five kids, 20 cousins, they would have three aunts or uncles who each have four kids for a total of 12. What the fuck is all this math, man? One uncle and one aunt, Leif Cleveland, on a train travel 50 miles an hour. It derails and kills them before they're able to have kids.

How many cousins do you currently have? If your cousin f**ks Kate Upton on a train going this way. Wait, Felix, your cousin f**k Kate Upton too? Yeah, oh wow, what a good way. Yours did as well? See, that's why cousins are so important. He was a man, he was the coiciculous guy, I know. I'm kind of into cousin.

Oh, you're a cousin? Biting your lip. Just sliding up the gate up and be like, yeah, I'm someone's nephew. What's up? I did think that that was such a sick brag when I was younger. Just like, yeah, I have 18 cousins. that that was such a sick brag when I was younger just like yeah I have 18 cousins like bragging about the amount of cousins you have is so fucking so I'm impressed yeah I'm impressed well that's just irish Catholicism that's what

that's there's your there's a problem to there the solution to this problem we need to bring back irish Catholicism You know how impressive that is to a Jewish man where like all our, the youngest our parents are when they have us is 58. True. Like it's like, you know, usually it's two kids max. We are, you know, the Jewish people are people poor in cousin cousins are assumed in evangelical circles you can have some of mine all right I have a cousin named Patrick it makes it makes Christmas confusing you can take him but Patrick like when you were

at school and you're like you're you're dropping the cousin brag I have 18 cousins I mean I think that's cool because like that's letting the other kids do your school and they fuck with you. You have like a fucking like an NFL team worth of guys who back, you're back. Yeah. Exactly. Well guys, well guys, I'm girls, I'm assuming, assuming all your

cousins are guys. Only guys. Only guys. Family that is only guys. I know what he's family at all. I do have, I have 17 cousins, one girl guys. Really? And then she had five kids, all boys. Isn't that amazing?

My life is brilliant. The sea is strong. That's bad. I'm sorry. You know, my family, if I choose to have one, I am really aiming for an equal mix of boys and girls. Like, you know, George W. So, you get married to each other, I am really aiming for an equal mix of boys and girls. Like, you know, George W- So we get married to each other? I don't understand.

No, just balance. Like, look, I don't think George W. Bush was a good president. That's one thing about the Bush administration that I really admired. There was an equal amount of boys and girls during that time. It's not like today. Everything's out of whack today. Yeah, I know. I mean, yeah, there's a there's a drought of cousins. That's the worst thing that's ever I've ever heard.

It's horrible. It is very sad. There is just there's just a world of experiences that whatever the name is for kids that are born in like 2015 won't have. They'll never have somebody call them and they're, because they're confused. They mixed up K2 and CBD and they'll call them and say, I think I just fucking smoked CBD. They will never know the experience of explaining how to train a dragon to a 24 year old. Yeah, I know no one's going to know that dance with the devil by immortal technique will never be heard again.

No one's ever going to hear. Cousins are cousins are so even if you're not like close with your cousin, you know, some people are some people, their cultures dictate that they're close with their cousins. their cultures dictate that they're close with their cousins. But even if you're not, your cousin takes a vital role of whenever there is a moment of silence at Thanksgiving, they have to say something totally insane. Like, well, this was the worst year of my life. I'm thankful for nothing. No one else is going to do that.

That's such an important cousin thing because if a brother or sister says that, you can be like, shut up, fuck off. But a cousin, I feel like, is just distant enough that you can't engage with it at all. Yeah, you can get the stranger's benefit of the doubt a little bit. Well, Cameron, this is brought up in the article where it says like, you know, in contrast to sibling relationships, the classic cousin relationship Related to that is amazingly uncomplicated. Cousins tend to have more distance and age than siblings, even if they're in the same generation. They also typically have more geographic space between them, less affluent families are more likely than wealthier ones live in close proximity.

But even so, sharing a house with a cousin isn't the norm. Now there is giving the kind of material support, such as financial existence, you'd be likelier to give to nuclear family members. Megan N. Reed at Emory University Sociologist told me, and there's not much societal expectation for what the dynamic has to look like. Pop culture is full of sibling antics

Vickering pranking sticking up from one another in school fewer models demonstrate how cousins are supposed to interact God I never thought about that. I'm actually I just I just realized I'm playing one of the right now I've been playing one of the video game that is maybe number one cousin representation of all time and that's donkey Kong country 3 Vixie Kong and and kitty Kong are cousins in that game and that's a Magical relationship a fresh prince of Bel Air will That's my cousin Vinnie. That's it. I mean it's right there. Yeah future podcast about list movie that will certainly be cousin focused It'll be cousins and nephews And uncles we're gonna have uncles in there. So they are saying this is an issue of representation

Yeah, or it's like there's much representation. It's just like, you know Kids they see they see brothers and sisters. So there's like a model for how you're supposed to behave to your you know To a sibling but whereas like the cousin role is just less less clearly defined So there's like it's sort of freeing in that way because there's less expectations and there's less proximity to one another. But you still have sort of a common frame of reference from being related in some sense. Yeah, I guess. It's a role that our brother or sister can't fill because a cousin is a role model where you're supposed to end up not like them. You're supposed to look at them and say, I need to do everything this kid is not doing.

True. That is a vital role in a family though. Like, thank God for that. Not only do they tell you what not to do, they really take the heat off of you. If you're having like a fuck-up period of your life, you know, thank God for your cousin who like got fired from community theater. Sometimes I've been that cousin and I feel great that I took the heat off because I was, I was fucking up so badly. Yeah. It's your duty as a cousin to go through a phase like that. Siblings are a team and the cousins are the teams that you're playing against.

It's Wario and Mario. It's how it. It's completely is. That's 100% correct. I've been like, you know, I like similarly in my family when I look when I look at all my cousins who are like married and have beautiful children, I'm thinking that's not for me. They're married and have jobs and wonderful children. What the hell is that? I don't want to call podcasts about list on the vehicle. That's what I will do with my life. Last paragraph here. It says here, a cousin's sparse future, then, could be a greater loss than people might recognize. It might also make the relationship that much more important.

With fewer of them around, cousins may need to depend on one another even more. Families more Families are shrinking that doesn't mean they need to come apart. So wait Patrick Patrick call call all 18 of your cousins today. I'll call them all actually I just remembered. I just remembered That number's gone up. I forgot about my cousins. Yeah, I They're not the same age as me or any they're any they're really young so I just I think of them as other nephews Yeah, Patrick bragging once again. Yeah, they were cousins. Yeah article about how no one has a cousin anymore I got too many pretty I got way too many So they want cousins to call each other up and straight up say like, you know what man for real There's not many of us left man

We got to keep this shit rocking it's I I don't know I feel like that's exactly that My cousins were my neighbors growing up. That's why I That is a fucking camera on bar. That's amazing. That is a true fire. I feel like there again, I'm bragging about, you know what? I'm just bragging about my cousins again. I really have nothing to say other than bragging that I lived right next to my cousins. Everything that they're saying in this article that should happen being in close proximity or whatever,

I already did that shit. True. My cousins were my neighbors. So you ain't worried about they were saying no, they have pet you mess up. So they were saying that you shouldn't live close to your cousins. They were saying you should basically you're saying what you're saying right now is bad. They're saying they don't say

it should or shouldn't they're saying but like text, you know, like statistically, most cousins live further or they're further away from you than you know, obviously your siblings, they were real close. They're saying you're a freak, Pat. They were right next door. I think that, yeah, I think that maybe I'm a freak of nature or something. I don't really know. That is a, that's a beautiful lifestyle that I feel like that's how my dad grew up.

And that's, I, that to me, that's a very like, I think about that. And I think about black and white photos type vibe, you know, it's kind of magical to have that in the, in the late nineties, early early two thousands to be living in a big house with your cousins. Yeah, I'm pretty jealous of that. No, you're right. I bet you are. So I do love that as like a like a camera online, like a brag, like every one of my buildings, every one of my building is because my cousin, everyone on the street,

my cousin, every guy you see in my around me are cousins. And then he lists the name of all of them right. And Maggie, Dan, Eric, Ryan names. That would be an amazing track, man. Yeah. All my friends cousins. All my friends.

10 minute long. 10 minute long. All my friends cousins. All my ops dead. That's what happens. You're rolling 18 deep with cousins. Right, well, here's another article. This was from the Wall Street Journal. This is not about the invisible cousin genocide going on right now, but this is another look

into the youth of today and the world that they're living in. Headline is, for Gen Z, tough guys wear rings. Lots of them. This was in the fashion section of the Wall Street Journal, and it's a... Let's dive into this one here. It says, Terrence McDermott barely has a finger to spare. Each day, the 26-year-old cigar shop assistant manager in Phoenix plops silver rings onto nine of his ten fingers. He does sound like a tough guy. Starting the article being like, tough, cool guys are wearing rings. It's Terence McInerbink.

It gets better. His clinky assortment includes a turquoise signet, a ring inspired by the late rapper MF Doom, and a pinky ring that he tried on and couldn't pry off so he bought it He is not yet married so his soul free digit is On his left ring finger So one of his rings is just something that is stuck on his finger that like he had to buy so we could leave the store Where did they say this was Phoenix, Arizona Phoenix. Well. Well, yeah. I mean, the sun's boiling this guy's brain.

I don't think that that's a tough guy thing. I've noticed this epidemic not so much among tough guys, but I've noticed the rings. These rings are getting out of control. I mean, look at Cameron. Look at this. Look at this. Check it out, guys.

Yeah, I have like five rings on each finger. One that's just like an eagle. I have the fucking, I have five rings on each finger. One that's just like an eagle. I have the fucking, I have the infinity, though a full infinity stones from like, from the adventure is just like five sets of them on, on every joint. Men should only ever wear three, a wedding ring, a class ring or a Super Bowl ring.

If it's not one of these three, that does not belong on a man's hand my friend That is a lady's hand. Well, can it be any kind of championship? Hell no What WNBA what? Understand your question darts billiards. No, they don't give rings out man. Those are ribbon sports All right, I didn't know I didn know. I needed you to school me on that. You know what? I hate that the knuckle ring that is, it's always like a bird head or some shit. Yeah.

You know, that was right. Dude, I hate these things. Yeah. Well, okay. My frame of reference for Tough Guys, my frame of reference for Tough Guys growing up was Bam Margera of Cky and he wears that exact ring. He wasn't tough. He wasn't tough He's tough in relation to the ground he was fighting the ground often He's tough on his uncle Don Vito Heroin fall asleep instantly that's his defense like a pokeball. He's just fucking big bubble coming out of his nose. This is not Not a tough guy

To differ you know guy with rings is tough because he has to lift his hands to do anything. Yeah, heavy Well, I guess that's fair. Well, so tough guy Terrence McDermott says of the rings he says they're just a part of me the ring guy has become a stock character in Gen Z and Millennial Men's fashion corridors of the internet in recent years you can find him on tiktok and pithy get ready with me videos flaunting a bounty of quarter-sized silver rings like a Vegas era Elvis. He's there on Instagram posting selfies with enough silver on his hands to set off a metal detector Happy rings are a weighty counterbounds Sorry hefty rings are a weighty counterbalance to all this softness Consider the male figures most closely associated with adorning their fists biker gangs or the braggadocious 80s rapper slick Rick

warning their fists. Biker gangs or the braggadocious 80s rapper Slick Rick. Think of the two, like one is just like a stock group of people, like imagine a biker and then the other is a specific person, Slick Rick. Can come up with that. There's also nothing tougher than being braggadocious. Okay, here we go. The tough thing about Slick Rick his eye patch though? Yes, but also it was his bravado.

I believe it was less the eye patch and more that he like shot his brother. Yeah. Yeah, that was tough. Some more examples here. It says, how many guitar playing, chain smoking, weathered looking men from Keith Richards down to Johnny Depp have slapped some skull rings on their fingers. It's a looks that says in pretty basic terms, I'm cool, I'm tough, I'm badass. Absolutely. Yes. Okay. Here's my advice. To look cool and badass, like adorning your fist with something,

how about a gauntlet? How about like just a gauntlet from a suit of armor? I think that would be cool. Or one pauldron. Yeah. Pauldrons would be hard as fuck. To have a full, just, you know, classic, uh, uh, baggy shirt, baggy pants, fitted hat, but then just the big ass world of Warcraft pauldrons, like and an ankle it. Yeah. and what about a tail yeah one big one big one big wings bro yeah having one giant wing here and a pauldron on this side basically I'm describing Sephiroth yeah I don't like this I don't think that these should unless they're fused to your finger something that is very tough should not

be something you can take tough should not be something you can take off. It should be tattoos or sharp teeth. These are the only options for making yourself look tough. Yeah. With so much clattering metal on their hands, ring guys are easily identifiable and the connotations aren't always welcome. In Showtime's Cringed Dromedy the Curse, Benny Softy plays a flailing TV producer with stringy

long hair, ripped jeans, leather bracelets, and silver rings that fill each of his fingers On him the rings are a flashing silver signal of an insecure man in the throes of a serious midlife crisis But you know, I mean not if you're Gen Z if you're Gen Z it means you're cool tough badass Yeah, yeah tough badass working at Buffalo exchange badass working at Buffalo Exchange. God damn it. You guys are a fucking beast. Yeah. They have a tattoo for every shirt they've stolen. Holy shit. Look at this guy. And where'd you get those?

Jewelry store? That's somewhere else. Even committed collectors admit that sometimes you just can't look like you rolled off the set of Sons of Anarchy. McDermott of Arizona says that he removed his ample rings for job interviews. The whole biker thing, people will probably get the wrong idea about me, he said. I'm also a young black guy in the Southwest who has dreadlocks and wears Johnny Depp jewelry Personally his boss likes a sense of style and so all nine of his rings go on every day

Yeah Walking in for your first day on the job. I know you might think I'm a sunny barger or something This ring is for MF do Met the metal face one you. I'm gonna, this ring is for MFD. The metal face one. Do you, I mean, do any of you, do any of the pal guys, do you adore yourself of any male jewelry? I don't even wear a wedding ring, man. That's how much I do not like these rings.

I don't like, because I, you know, I don't want to ever be in a situation where, because I know this happens sometimes, where you wear the rings and your finger gets caught in some way, and there goes my beautiful finger ripped off by someone maybe casting a fly fishing line or something like that. Exactly. Yeah. We're a guy with a big neck.

And I'm hiding underneath and I'm breathing through a reed. I'm trying to sneak up on this guy. And yes, I did think it was a fly and I was hungry. And now I don't even have a finger. So that's a really scary scenario Because yeah, just like before you get into the ring lifestyle educate yourself on some of the dangers of wearing rings Like for instance, don't you know when when you're about to get an MRI and they're like do you have any jewelry on you're like nah I actually don't take this off, dude.

This is my best friend's brother who passed away in a car accident. This was his ring. So I don't take this off. You take my finger. You also, you should never be wearing anything that makes you more of a target for a lightning strike. Yes. And drill on your hands.

That's dangerous. That's like walking around with a tree on your head. By a bolt. Yeah. That's why I don't wear a chain anymore. Yeah. Exactly. Pack got struck by lightning three times. That's why it's like that. Yeah.

The doctor said he can't wear a chain anymore unless it's made of plastic or candy. And I ate it on the way here. That's why it's gone. I would be funny to be like slick Rick, but only with like nerds rope jewelry. Like you're just gummy bears and lifesavers on each figure. Yeah. Lifesavers. Yeah. but only with like nerds rope jewelry like Gummy bears life savers Yeah, all right. Well, here's the last one. I just have just a this is this is an advice question submitted to slate And I figured let's round up today give some advice to the people and hopefully the pal guys will we'll have some insight on this This is from the the slate sex Advice column. So let's try this. Yeah, we're out.

Yeah. So, okay. The advice letter begins like this. How do I chew on a dick? Okay. Pretty straightforward answer so far. How do I chew? How do I chew on a dick? My new partner recently requested that I incorporate teeth slash chewing into my blowjobs and I don't know where to start. I'm very nervous about it. I am terrified of this, but who's this foot. Who the fuck? Oh my God. Is she dating Francis Dollaride? I mean, is she talking about like a corn on the cob style or carrot style? That would be my question. Yeah. Is it sideways? She's holding the balls on one end and the tip on the other and she's

maybe grazing it. I Could see that That makes more sense. I mean, what's just how maybe they start there? There's yeah exactly There's the first thing ask him. Do you want it Bugs Bunny or it low-teh? I'm very nervous about it. I don't want to hurt him in a way that doesn't feel good, and I don't want to harm him. But I do adore him, and I want to be open to at least trying something he wants. I've asked him for guidance before going down on him, but sometimes I struggle to stay on top of listening, sucking, and nibbling all at the same time. So I think some advice outside of the moment might be helpful. Wow.

Okay. Here's the problem here is that you're waiting until you have the dick in your mouth to ask the question. Ask beforehand. Well, my teeth. What about teeth? Yeah, I mean like my answer to this question would be use your teeth. Oh, she's dating the chocolate axe commercial guy. This is making a little more sense now. Why would you want anybody to chew on your penis?

Yeah, what the hell? Do people like getting hurt? That is seriously weird. Am I discovering this right now at my age? Yeah. I mean, like, you know, if I think about, like, the sort of the broad spectrum of, I don't know, like erotic seedism. I think this broad might be on the spectrum. No, I'm kidding. Just spanking, vlogging. That's a weird special interest.

Yeah. To go to Slate.com to answer this question, maybe he just asked the guy. I'm not sure where Dick Nibbling falls, but, you know, so I was just like, you know, just I would start with like, maybe, you know, like just sort of like a like a sample, not not a bite, you know, you can't bite. So I would just like, I don't know, just like start, start with some slow pressure and then work up until they're screaming. Yeah, I guess you have to it's you have to

it's like a mini game in Mario Party. You have to like get the thing right in the middle, you know, like all swing on a on a golden. I don't know what kind of answer this person is expecting. That's not just like be be gentle. He's like, I don't want to hurt him. I don't want to harm. Do they think there's someone is going to be like, oh, there's actually one specific point on the penis that cannot feel teeth and you just have to make sure to bite there. Like just I do it right. I don't know. I feel like this is like creating an alibi though. Like you would only do this

if you're planning to bite someone's dick off and wanted to create plausible deniability. Oh yeah. You're on. Actually so. Slade.com told me they're the they're the columnists at Slade or they know the columnists and they're having that person say just bite it clean off There's no danger in biting it as hard as you possibly can I'm just thinking of like a owl swearing gin getting ahead and just going bite fucking harder That was like um what I found out what blowjobs were when I was a little kid. That was the first thing my mind went to.

It was like, oh, my God, it could be bitten. That's so scary. That is scary. That is really fucking scary. And chewing is almost even more scary. Yeah. Chewing is really scary. Felix, yeah. Felix learned about blowjobs from a witch in a candy cane house. That's what they were.

It goes in the mouth. It's just like you later. And this was where we wrap up today's show, you know, some, I know we looked at the lighter side of news today, but I'd like to, you know, like a sort of a more beautiful note here today. King Charles just diagnosed with ass cancer. Money.

Yeah. So King Charles has prostate cancer. And I guess like my only thought on this is, I said when he became king that England should not put him on the money, and I was proven right. They're gonna have to redo this. If you have a British pound note with King Charles on it Hold on to it. It'll be a collector's item in about six months. What a Mickey Mouse king I know it Felix it's so he

What a cursed life this guy's had he has been like trying to stare Radiation at his mother like every second of his life And that whole bat kicked the candle like 150 years old. He's 90 his mother was a hundred She just died and he gets to become king and then it's just like oops. No, sorry your asshole is going to kill you it's and even before that before that he had to deal with like Probably being the last or second to last King because of a USA Network star They should do a driven regicide Yeah, they should do old-school rules though where if you the now the asshole gets to be the king after he dies because he's the one who killed him

as soon as they cut out his asshole they should put it in the Tower of London lock it up there they should just chop his asshole off in like Mary Queen of Scots, like the whole parliament was. Be a teen directly on his asshole right after he dies. Well, you know, best of luck to the royal family. We're praying for you, King Charles, praying for you and your asshole. But that does it for today's episode. I got to thank all the Camerons who came out today. Cameron, Cameron, Cameron from Pot About List. But the Pal boys, you guys are getting ready to hit the road.

Oh, yeah. Yes, sir. We're doing a sketch comedy tour with our friends from Home Planet, very funny sketch group, and Pierce Campion as well. Yeah, give them a check. Please check out Pierce and Home Planet. They're extremely funny. They're great. We love group and Pierce Campion as well. Please check out Pierce and Home Planet, they're extremely funny. They're great, we love them. They're associate as well.

We're doing live sketch comedy in Boston, Chicago, Toronto, Atlanta and Philadelphia. And then we're also doing some live podcast shows in Detroit, Minneapolis and Carbureaux, North Carolina. So if you wanna see what you know, see what days. I saw that look, Chris. Don't you dare laugh at Carbureaux, North Carolina. You must look around at Carbureaux.

On you right now, you bastard. Sorry, I'm just saying one of these cities is not like the other. Yeah, one of them's actually good. Fuck you, Detroit. Fuck you, Minneapolis. We're not going anymore. We're not going there anymore. We're going just to Carbureaux. We're doing eight shows in Carbureaux.

Yeah, fucking all that. Eight shows. So we're doing all those out to break even. So if you want to buy tickets, head to swagpoop.com slash shows. And all of this is y'all there. That is our real website. The link to swagpoop for all eight shows in Carbureaux, North Carolina. You're in the

Carbureaux, North Carolina area. The Triangle. They call it. The Carbureaux metro area. I think Carbureaux, in order to have people not laugh at it, I think you guys need to refer to it as a number, like the six, but that really helped Toronto. Yes, Carbureaux, no one. Yeah, okay, yeah. The chosen one.

Yeah, I like that. Hello everyone, yes. Links will be in the show description. Once again, to the pal lads. Thank you so much for hanging out today. Anytime. Thank you for having us. Yeah. All right, everybody. Till next time. Bye bye. Bye bye. Eventually dropped out of school to sell weed Dancing with the devil smoked till his eyes would bleed But he was sick of selling trees and gave him to his greed