Chapo Trap House - 989 - Butt Crappened feat. Sarah Squirm (11/24/25)

Episode Date: November 25, 2025

SARAH SQUIRM: LIVE + IN THE FLESH, debuts on HBO and HBO Max December 12th. We command you to tune in! Sarah Squirm joins us once again to speculate on Zohran’s meeting with Trump: is Trump starstruck? In love? Depressed? We also talk about the president’s plan to bring back the Rush Hour movies, the secrets of the White House swimming pool, a reverse Jussie Smollett situation in Ocean City, and shitting yourself. A lot of stories about shitting yourself. Follow Sarah on Twitter/X: https://x.com/SarahSquirm And Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/sarahsquirm/?hl=en

All I'm going to be is a trouble All I'm going to be is a joke Hello everybody. It's Monday, November 24th, and this is your choppo. Joining Felix and I on today's episode is Sarah Squirm. Sarah, welcome back. How's it going? It's going great. You guys sent me to a weird website to record this podcast, and it was really unsettling for a second,

but I think I'm finally getting my bearings. All right, good. Well, yeah, yeah. Well, we've been meaning to stop using child porn. Dot podcast, but it's just like, it's like the only software that works. Right. We've at least like asked them to stop calling it that and they will not. They really like that name.

So we apologize, but if, you know, if there were alternatives, we'd be using them. Right. But there aren't. And I just appreciate you guys are using websites, something that, I haven't been on a website in like, besides YouTube. What do you watch on YouTube, Sarah? Well, thanks for actually when I opened up my computer, a really crazy sound was happening because of a YouTube video I was playing that I forgot about, which was Vangelis scored some brain

surgery tapes. Wait, so this is brain surgery set to the music composed by Vangelis, who did Chariats of Fire and 1492, Conquest of Paradise. The window is still open. Do you guys want to hear what was playing when I opened my laptop for this? And is this, I mean,

I assume this wasn't playing in the operating theater while someone's brain was getting worked on. This is just set to Vangelis? His friend was a microser. who did little microsurgery's on the brain. And he made these, like, instructional surgery tapes and asked Vangelis to score them so that people could, like, study the tapes and not get bored.

I feel like, I feel like if you, like, get bored studying surgery, though, like, that's maybe not your profession. I've dreamed of being a surgeon my whole life. I can make through 12 years of medical school, but I'm just going to give up if there's not music in this. I need to listen to music while I watch this guy do surgery on Stuart Little Because he's doing micro surgery Felix what was the video I just saw you post about the six actors

Robert Duval hated the most and the and the caption was when He says a bastard who slept with a thousand men a gay bastard I have a folder of all my favorite thumbnails that I see on YouTube And they've been recommending me a lot of videos that have like 20 views lately for whatever reason I think that's I think I'm on the algorithm they give you when they, like, want you to commit a mass shooting. I'm not going to do it, by the way. But, you know, I am seeing the videos.

And I saw one that was like, like the actors that Robert Duvall hated the most. And the thumbnail was Robert Duval looking disgusted in an interview and with the words, gay bastard slept with a hundred men written over the screen. Who could it be? Marlon Brando, perhaps. It's so interesting that I've been on. this website call for 30 seconds and Felix has already said child porn and school shooting without taking me out to dinner first well well sir let's get let's get

into the the news of the week big story from Friday and over the weekend that we didn't get a chance to get to was the the meeting a meeting that took place in the White House between our newly elected mayor here in New York City is Arun Mandani and President Donald Trump. You guys are like the exact people I was curious about what you are going to say about this. And he has to be wondering like, okay, what's Trump going to do to own Zoran?

How is he going to assert dominance over him? What sort of embarrassing thing? What sort of embarrassing spectacle will this be? But what we all got was actually sort of seemingly out of nowhere, a giant love fest of Donald Trump kissing Zoran's ask. Basically, I'm just going to read here from the New York Times. It says here, And multiple points during the meeting, Mr. Trump jumped in to defend Mr. Mamdani from

pointed questions from reporters. The president patted Mr. Mamdani on the arm when he was asked by a reporter if Mr. Trump was a fascist. Mr. Mamdani smiled awkwardly and the president advised him to just say yes. That's okay, Mr. Trump said. You can just say yes. That's easier. It's easier than explaining. He was also asked to, I've asked about Republican New York governor, New York governor's candidate, Elise Stefanik, who referred to Mamdani as a jihadist. And Trump said, that's not him.

I mean, the young man I met with is a very rational person. And basically, like, his supporters don't really know what to make of it. Sarah, what do you think accounts for Trump's seeming affection and need to, like, I don't know, ingratiate himself to the newly elected New York mayor? I think he knows that Zoran has got the fucking sauce and he

has X factor and he's a celebrity and like he just effing loves like alpha rizzy celebs. I really don't understand how anyone was that surprised by this because since even before he since the nomination, since even 2015, we have seen like people in the Trump sphere and the general like self-professed like anti-establishment, right? try to ingratiate themselves with with Bernie, with other like more popular, uh, figures who, you know, either outside the Democratic Party or like, you know, perceived dissidents within the Democratic Party. Um, and especially when like, especially like post Trump's first election, uh, when they really started taking a shit in popularity, which was almost instantly the first time. took about two months this time,

they try to do the same thing. They try to go, well, you know, me and this guy, we also hate Democrats. You can't do that as much with Bernie now that he, you know, spent five years acting as Biden's footstool. But the fact that so many people in Democratic

leadership just pretended that there was no election in New York, that there was no guy named Zoron, it made it easier in this case. And yeah, it's just, he's extremely popular. And anyone, like anyone in his position would ingratiate themselves to someone who's up and coming and popular. Like, Trump is a New York gay guy.

And like, Zoron is this little like, he's what's popping in New York right now. Yeah, I think it's like, to Felix's point, I think he saw the entire leadership of the Democratic Party try to sink this guy and fail. And Zoran once, he's like, oh, I'll have, I'll have, I'll have. some of that. And I think it's just like the classic psychology, Sarah, you're right. He likes and believes in celebrity, probably to the exclusion of everything else. But I think it's like a certain high school mentality where like if a kid from another clique is popular and then that kid is nice to you, you can be nice to him even if they're from opposite clicks. Right. Because it's like

them being nice to you is a reflection on your popularity. Whereas with Schumer and Jeffries, he's aware that everybody hates them so he can treat them like shit so when you bully an unpopular kid that is once again reaffirming your status as popular and cool. Right. So like Trump is a jock and like Zoran is like a prep

but they're like the alpha dogs in the jock and prep. Exactly. But like however though like that was my first reading of what accounted for this love fest and Trump like you know, beaming at Zoron just looking at up giving a big toothy grin, loving every second of it.

There's a few other, like, I don't know, like, sort of perhaps different lenses to view this interaction. And I think another one that's very simple, it's easy to understand, and I think could go a long way to explain this. I think Donald Trump just likes a handsome young man in a nice suit. You know, and like, and Zaron's pretty tall too. Like, I think he's about six feet tall.

So, like, you know, guy of, you know, a stature. Nice suit, nice smile, clean cut young man. I think Trump sees that. And it sort of, because like, you have to compare Zoran is probably the most physically handsome person that's been in that Oval Office in, like, since Donald Trump was there. I mean, like, think of the collection of bozos, rubes, and Uggos, who are normally filing in and out of that fucking the new gold oval office, whatever that, you know, it's like, I think when he sees a handsome young man in a suit, he's just like, oh, lovely, he's a wonderful guy.

I don't think he's a jihadist. I don't know that keeps saying. He says I'm a fascist. I guess I am. Right. Like if Peoria, Illinois elected, um, a shining path mayor, but he looked like the guy who plays, uh, Reacher. He would be invited to the White House before, uh, who's that like a little, gross little

gallum they made to replace Charlie Kirk, Briland Holland? Brayland Holleyhand. And I'm not saying Browning Hollins. go okay not saying that but he's just he's not turning heads is he i don't even remember his name it's a pretty funny name too he likes shiny things like he has a shining thousand watt smile he likes a shiny golden toilet like he likes when things are shiny the only like um kind of novel theory i've seen on this because i do think like if i had to attribute it like mostly to one thing it would be that they're still trying to recapture that like 2016 campaign magic of

some sort of like loosely assembled broadly anti-establishment front between left and right that is just like I cannot believe people still think that is like a fucking possibility in this country and I especially can't believe it with after he's he's been elected twice and the only thing he did the first time was like attempt to do severe austerity to some success. And this time, just the most crippling austerity regime we have ever seen in our fucking lifetimes. But I did see one novel theory that was, he's old, he's like just, they're giving him,

what's that drug that makes you super suggestible? Sodium pentafol all the time. And he's being controlled by like Peter Thiel sex slaves. assorted goyslaves, and he's just old and confused and angry. And he knows that he doesn't have the same degree of control as he did in Trump One. So he's like lashing out at Vance and all the teal people by going, you know that guy who you said, you're going to deport? We're going to have a handsome party in my office.

And I did, like, I loved, I loved Vance trying to act like, oh, this is part of the plan to make Zoron look stupid. Someone said it was like that famous post where this girl's going, I'm, I got my pussy ate with ice cubes from first time this weekend. And this guy replies, I know he had you screaming. But that's what Vance's reply was like. Well, it's like, I mean, like, okay, like, to take the Vance point of view here, like this is a sort of thinking five moves

ahead in chess strategy to like, gas him up and give him a big political win to make his downfall all the more satisfying? That's so far. I mean, I don't know what he, it was, he didn't say that. Some people have said it was rope-a-dope, which like,

presumably they mean, like, they're going to big up Zoran and then, like, in Zoran's first day, he's going to, like, he's going to do so bad that it's just, like, it's just total anarchy. It's escaped from New York. And then they'll go, see? But I don't get that because

it's like Trump was talking about how much, how good he, his policies were and how much he like, how would that work? And like he also said, I would have no problem living in New York City under Zoron because he was like, we both want New York City to be great. I think it would be very nice. And also, he went out of his way to shit all over Eric Adams, a guy who's done everything to placate, like to like, and I think like, once again, it's like, it's the psychology of a dog. Like, if someone shows you their belly, then you can't have any respect for him. Like Eric Adams, who was like, basically had to get. get Trump to keep out of jail was to, you know, like basically, uh, just like, you know,

kicks, kiss his ass and prostrate himself before the White House. But like, he obviously has no respect for that. And then Zerun comes in and got elected, you know, directly challenging Donald Trump. And now he's just like, oh, this guy, he's cool. I like him. You know, like I. Yeah. This kid, you know, he's got respect. He's got, you know, this kid, I like this kid. He's like, comment about like, no, it's okay. You can call me a fascist. Yeah. reminded me of like you know on thanksgiving when my like ex cop PI uncles are like yeah this like patchy hippie kid over here should i get it you think i'm a pig whatever you know

whatever but it's like there's obviously like such like love familial love there and it's almost like trump has this like like dude we're from fucking new york we're walking here like you know there is like a lot he has deep love for him i i i've think it would be cool if like hekeen jeffreys who he's he's been like the biggest holdout from the democratic establishment of just like no selling zoran especially considering that he he's a new york representative if he like started attacking so if he started calling zoron a social fascist and he was like see what if i always said about social democrats yeah i going back to the advance thing um that i that made me

me think that this might be Trump lashing out more than anything? Because, I mean, like, I don't know, who knows for sure, but like, Peter Thiel wasn't supposed to, he didn't want to, like, dump any more money into politics after he, like, Vance barely got through the primary that one time. And he ended up, like, just dumping money onto Trump 2024, uh, and linking him to other donors. And so I, I've always just assumed that that was part of the deal and the, Trump is just, he does, he just does not get this advanced thing. Um, but I, the only other thing is like, I, I've seen people, uh, Kamala 2024 dead enders saying like, oh, do you think this is cool, but you thought it sucked when

fucking Kamala campaign with Liz Cheney. And it's like, Donald Trump's the fucking president. That's, it's like, if Donald Trump was like a private citizen and Zon Ron, like, went to his house and was like, see? Yeah, that would be one thing. But, like, I just, I do not understand how the two things are comparable besides both of them being right-wing politicians. I mean, one also clearly did not work, seeing his Donald Trump's president. Yeah. And it's just like, yeah, Kamala Harris, you know, fucking, you know, touting an endorsement from the Cheney family to no avail to absolutely brought her negative votes to her campaign versus, you know,

Zoran, who's like the hot thing right now, he comes in, goes to the White House and gets the president to fucking kiss his ass for a half an hour on national television seems to be like a little bit more of a dub than Kamala, you know, paling around with the Cheney family.

Yeah, yeah. But like, one more thing, you're talking about J.D. Vance. And I think like, Donald Trump, it's like, you know, people, people, they follow certain set psychological patterns in their life. and I think he's victimizing himself again

by having another chinless idiot son with a beard who like he doesn't really like but is always like always around him and always trying to like gain his approval to no avail whatsoever. You know, because like, Donald Trump Jr. has a beard.

J.D. Vance has a beard. Right. John Mon Dondani has a beard. Right. But the thing is Donald Trump Jr. and J.D. Vance are constantly begging for the attention and approval of Donald Trump, which obviously he has no respect for.

So I think once again. knows with your theory that if you're a cutie pie, like J.D. Vance, no disrespect, looks like a human funco pop. So Trump's not necessarily hard eyes. He's not easy on the eyes. No. And like this is also of a piece with Trump's comments about a recent meeting with President Xi of China, where he said all of she's advisors are terrified to speak in front of him. And that's how we should run our government, which I can't do because J.D. is always budding in. He's always speaking up the meetings. But there is one final

one final sort of heuristic to view the... Do you think there's like a Chinese hillbilly elegy? What do they call? Like Ping's eyes son will write it. You know, you know, we really like all of us for all folk, we really should be like going to the cities to studies usually being thought

but all we do is just spend all our money on barbecue yeah everyone I grew up with in the rural provinces is stuck where they are getting fucked up on like 100 proof

sorghum liquor and inventing new ways of drinking beer but no I have one last sort of like lens to which to view the Trump Mombani meeting and this comes courtesy

of a Spencer who see I initially viewed this through high school, right, about like popular kids. But Spencer has a very interesting theory that involves around the workplace. And his theory is basically that with, you know, a lot of the things that are going on right now, you know, the Epstein emails, you know, the war in Ukraine, not really going all that well, possibly a war in Venezuela. The jobs and economy really don't seem to be doing. In fact, the jobs report in the economy is so bad right now. They've just stopped issuing any new data for like Q3 of this year like they've just they've simply just canceled like reporting on

unemployment and like you know economic growth um so like things that's not always a bad sign yeah that's true maybe they were busy so like if you think about it like the white house is a workplace and Donald Trump is the head of that workplace but he's very depressed and everyone who works around him is also very depressed then let's say a new guy comes into the workplace and doesn't really know the inter-office politics or dynamics. So that when, like, he's sort of cheerful and seems energetic and ready to, you know, sort of get the work done. And then when the boss, like, starts talking to you about their personal life or maybe

ask you to get a drink with them and you're like, sure, yeah, I'll go to drink with you this Saturday or whatever. And then they attach themselves to you and suck all of the life force out of you. And then no one else who works in the office had the ability to tell you, do not agree to do anything with this person. you'll never get rid of them. So I can see that dynamic being at play here as well. I think there's something to that because, like, yeah,

if I had to guess what the atmosphere in the White House is like, it's probably like, you know, a financially spiraling and failing bar and grill. Like at this point. Someone John Taffer would yell at. Yeah, absolutely. Like, it's no one. It's like the bar and grills or the owner

are either an alcoholic, horny, an alcoholic horn dog, or they're like trying to pass off their failing business as like the birthright of their equally fail killed children. How many times can you like make an edit where like Goku is deporting someone? At a certain point, you just like have to face facts

that this is Brandon V2 and that you're Brandon. I thought the vibe was like they were all like methed out and like hyped up on stuff. But they're like, it's more goth. It's more emo you're saying. Do you think the wives are emo at the White House?

I mean, I think they're probably flying on all kind of cocktail of uppers and downers. But like the crash does come eventually, you know? You've been even up for 72 hours, you know, making crying immigrant mothers into studio Ghibli animations with Grock. And then eventually you're going to need to, you're just going to crash. You're going to run out of Dr. Fieldgood. Yeah. Trump One was more of like a doctor feel good. administration because they had my my favorite guy ever Ronnie Jackson was there and he was just he was I mean they probably got the idea to give Biden speedballs from Ronnie Jackson that's probably what he was giving Trump that's what that's probably what Trump was on when he was like I love everyone who is a Charlotte film I mean everyone and guys seriously hurt people hurt people so have we ever thought that maybe the White House all the guys in it are hurting? I mean, I think they are.

I mean, I think they're in a great deal of spiritual and emotional pain. And I don't want to contribute to that. I don't want to make it worse by being mean to them. Because you're dealing with a lot of pressure right now. And, you know, it's just not working. It's just not working out great for them. And I wish them the best. Really.

I really do. But Sarah, like this next story, look, on the show and even on today's show, we've been fairly hard on President Donald Trump you know maybe even said some hurtful things

about him and his family and sir if you're listening I'm so sorry and you know I've been highly critical of his you know his policies like invading Venezuela

or ethnically cleansing the United States of all immigrants but just to show you know that I'm not just like a robot I don't have Trump derangement syndrome

when the president does something that I think deserves praise and he promotes a policy that I myself can loud as virtuous I'm not afraid to say it

and that's where I'm going with this next story this comes courtesy of semaphore and I'm just going to start reading this story here and you'll get where it's going but this is in semaphore the headline is how Trump

is trying to remake American culture starting with rush hour that's I think that's all you need to say that's all you need to say but it says President Donald Trump has strong views about news media and an interest in asserting them. He's long claimed credit for ending the careers of journalists and comedians.

CNN staff now worry that if their company is sold to Paramount, his friend Larry Ellison may fire two of the network's most prominent women, Aaron Burnett and Brianna Keelar. Somewhat less attention, however, has been paid to the ways in which Trump wants to shape popular culture outside news and late-night comedy. The one-time wannabe Broadway producer brought his particular style of late 20th century over-the-top macho taste to political events, elevating professional wrestling

to the National Republican National Convention and inviting the... That's the worst thing he's ever done. I'll never forgive him for that. I know because prior to that, I found professional wrestling to be surprisingly leftist and, you know, in its politics.

No, this is going to be one of those generational things. Like, whenever, like, people under 20 aren't going to believe us when we're like, professional wrestling was actually the most leftist sport up until Donald Trump's re-election. So, yes, he elevated professional wrestling to the Republican

National Convention and inviting the 1980s icons Sylvester Stallone and Mike Tyson to the White House. Entertainment studios have thrown the Trump's an occasional bone. Amazon paid $40 million for Brett Ratner's documentary about Melania Trump. It presumably saw

Oh my God. Oh my God. Yeah. Amazon, I've asked you for way less. Some guys just really want to work. God.

Brett Ratner, when Trump won again, he was probably like, yes, it's morning in America for rapists. And then it just, it's still, still, he's just relegating doing like Melania documentaries. Well, I mean, well, Brett Radner is an interesting name

because, you know, you'll see where this is going here, but it says, Brett Radner, of course, the director of the rush hour movies. So it says here, but beyond his off again, off again relationship with the Murdox,

Trump's preferences have a large, been ignored by the entertainment industry Titans who made him a household name. He has been forced to deliver his cultural preferences through online rants about celebrities and programming for political events at the White House where he commandeered the presidential ox court. But now Larry Ellison,

one of Trump's most prominent financial supporters, owns a second-tier studio, Paramount, and is on the cusp of taking control of the great Warner legacy, with the giant library and sprawling production that come with it. The film producer Dalia Sanieri predicts a wave of classically male-driven movies

with mentally tough, traditional, courageous, confident heroes, maybe even a tad cocky, but dedicated to honor and duty. Plus, of course, a few explosions, gun battles, helicopters, fistfights, and car chases. Now the president is offering

some creative input on potential upcoming projects. Trump appears to want to revive the raucous comedies and action movies of the late 80s to the late 1990s. He's passionate, for instance, about the 1998 Jean-Claude Van Damme sports flick, Bloodsport.

Oh. This is a film I too am passionate about. And I remember years ago when Trump was running for president the first time, this is we'd have to go back like year one of the show. But I remember there was a news story about him on a private jet with Don Jr. Watching Bloodsport on his airplane and fast forwarding through any part that wasn't a fight. Which is like, I mean, there's not much of that movie that isn't at the Kumete. But I like that, like, of what bare-bones plot exists in Bloodsport was too much for Donald Trump's attention span.

And he just wanted to get back to the Kumete. I wonder if he likes Snake Pliskin. Oh, now, now, Mr. President, now you're speaking my language. You know, they said Zoran would make New York and to escape from New York. But I don't think that's so bad because we could have snake pliskin, folks. He's got an iPad. They call him Snake. Folks, I'm all out of bubblegum, folks.

But it says here, a person directly familiar with the conversations told semaphore that the President of the United States has personally pressed the paramount owner to revive another franchise from Ratner, Rush Hour, a buddy cop comedy starring Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker that blended physical comedy, martial arts, and gags about racial stereotypes. That is a very good description of the Rush Hour movies. Like, okay, this is where it gets strange here because it's like, I can understand why the president likes the rush hour movies i like the i like you know at least rush hour one and two rush hour maybe not so much but this first rush hour that's a 90s classic but then you got to wonder

at a time when he is really hard up against the wall with this epstein shit is he going to revive a movie directed by bratt ratner and starring chris fucking tucker who was on epstein's fucking plane with given spacy oh is there any theory crafting unlike chris tucker being you know an instrumental part of the ring because I don't I don't think anyone's accused him of that no it's just a funny connection I don't know I just I I like I have like I don't know maybe maybe he gave them the idea who knows but um I don't know I I um can like what can he do to like make this happen to like make them give Brett Ratner a career again well I mean like literally just tell Larry Ellison make another rush hour movie and he'll get the fucking

Paramount or Warner Bros. on it when he buys it. I guess, but like Rush Hour came out like 57 years ago. It was right after World War II ended. Most of the people who remember it are dead or dying. But this is the audience of one though. This is just to please the president.

Yeah, but like he's not going to remember this in like a week. Like Larry Ellison is going to be like, look, I did it. I made Rush Hour with a Boeing. Yang and Childish Gambino and Donald Trump's going to be like what who the fuck asked you to do that?

Wait a second. Wait a second. This, okay, the fact that Donald Trump is a huge fan of the Rush Hour movies this adds yet another veil to the Trump Mamdani meeting. I think he sees in Mamdani

the combination of Chris Tucker and Jackie Chan. He's both guys from Rush Hour. Because, you know, born in Africa, Asian family, you know, he's got the East Meets

West thing going on and he's got he's got Riz like like Jackie and Chris I'm just like I can't pin down his tastes because he's like no offense guys I have to tell you this as listen rush hour movies that's guy stuff I wish I can meet you guys where you're at and be like LOL my favorite scene was when the car was going fast I haven't seen that I don't feel that strongly about I don't I don't feel that strongly about the rush hour movies they're fun I mean I like all the physical comedy and racial stereotypes. You know, it's just like 90 minutes of like black guys are like this and Chinese guys are like that.

You know, it's got Jackie Chan. You know, you're laughing. I'm just surprised like Trump is it like I thought he liked like seeing beautiful women walking around in beautiful gowns. No, like seeing boiled up muscle men do splits like John Claude Van Damme. Going back to a semaphore here, it says Ratner's 1998 film, 50 years ago. go. Bradner, Reddner. Union was still around. 1998 film was a breakout hit. But the film series seemed to run out of steam by 2007 with

a third installment, which performed respectively at the box office but didn't satisfy Hollywood tastemakers. Then the franchise languished for a decade. In 2017, Warner cut ties with Ratner after sexual misconduct allegations. Warner allowed the franchise to be licensed to other studios, but Ratner's involvement was reportedly a non-starter for several takers, including Paramount. But among those who have embraced anti-woke politics, cancellation is almost a credential, and Ratner has revived his career at the highest level. By what, doing a fucking Melania Trump documentary for Amazon that like 10 people are going to

watch? Yeah, no, yeah. This guy was an A-list director at one point. It's Brett Ratner mania. You can't go anywhere without people talking about Brett Ratner nowadays. What do he do? He did Money Talks with Chris Tucker. and Charlie Sheen. He did the Rush hour movies. He did Red Dragon, the remake of Manhunter with

Ray Fines and Edward Norton. And then he touched upon people. Yeah. Yeah. He was one. He was like one of the Me Too's where he was, it was not like an Azizan Sari thing where like I, you know, no one like read the article. Like there's not enough happened to finish the article. He was like, yeah, he was, he, he, you could always tell that he was like an evil man. because he did the thing that all evil people do in Hollywood, which is he played himself on entourage, but like as a good person. Like he was like,

that's whenever it's not totally foolproof because some people who do, some people who do portray themselves as assholes on entourage are also assholes. But no one who portrays himself as a good person on entourage is a good person. That's never happened. There's like a line of dialogue where Turtle says to Johnny Drama, you know that Brett Rattner's a good guy he's got no allegations if I was making a list of the 100

top Jewish rapists in Hollywood he ain't even going to be on it I don't know why that was in the show this is a really weird line this is interesting though Chris reminds me that the last time a U.S. President directly instructed someone

to make a movie that got made for them was in the a year before his assassination JFK told John Frankenheimer that he had to make a movie based on the book Seven Days in May which of course became the movie Seven Days in May with Bert Lane and that's

actually the movie where the quote don't ever play with the black man's radio comes from so Rush Hour took it from seven days in May. Didn't Trump get rid of the White House movie theater? It's like he doesn't even care about movies. He watches.

movies on his phone on the toilet. Yeah, I think they got rid of the White House bowling alley and the White House movie theater to bake room for that awful gaudy ballroom that he's building. Okay, but who was using the White House bowling alley? That is like the type of loser thing that like Carter would be into. Oh, I'm going to bowl with Brezhnev. Fuck you. I'm glad you're dead.

Sorry, if you got invited to the White House, come on. You'd want to see the bowling alley, right? You'd want to go bowling. I'd be there tomorrow. And the White House bowling alley, I just picture being very like boop boop-y-doop kind of coated, like girls at the same point. Like, with poodle skirts and like, you know, buddy Holly playing on a jukebox. Yeah.

I thought Trump would like that kind of crap. Girls and ponytails going, shubop, shoo-bop, shoo-wah. Does the White House have a swimming pool? It would be weird if it didn't, but I've actually never heard anyone references. Yeah, like there are no, yeah. Is there even a White House hot tub? Ooh.

That's a... Not a viable, you say about it. Oh, wait, okay, okay, apparently there is a White House swimming pool. No one ever used... Well, I mean, that is the thing about having presidents that are 98 years old. Like, no.

No one is ever using this shit. When I was a lifeguard, brag, I was a lifeguard in high school. And when someone's shit in the pool, we would have to like clear out the pool for 45 minutes. They would have to be clearing that pool. Oh, my God. Yeah, Biden made that pool look like a melted frappuccino. Could you imagine? Just throw it out after that.

over there, the White House does have a pool, but basically they've been using it as a bathroom for the last three administrations. You ever hear those stories from the Middle Ages where, like, they're having some big, like, conference, uh, and it's, it's over,

like, the feces pits for the entire city. The airfare for the treen disaster. Yeah, yeah. That's what the pool was like after the only, first and only Biden term. Um,

I feel like the White House just stinks, like poop. just like Trump loading up that dump truck diaper just all of them just like we are running down the legs of those men's warehouse pants

I've thought about that a lot it's like think about like even Donald Trump like not in his prime but just like before he was elderly like him getting up and shitting he probably has to like wake up

five hours earlier than anyone else. He has to probably dedicate like the first five hours of his day to just like moving some like ultra dense block of shit out of his asshole. And it's gotta feel horrible. Just like a rectangular hamburger

shit. Yeah. Like could you imagine? Like it has to be like sheer pain. Okay. We're talking about the middle ages shit and the White House pool. You're gonna love this. This was just sent along by our

Intrepid research staff. The White House pool was often used by Barbara Bush. Right. Since here, in 1990, a rat swam past her and was subsequently drowned by her husband, 41st President George H.W. Bush. Barbara Bush said that she swam with a mask and it just went right by in front of me. Fortunately, George Bush was there and he drowned the beast. It was horrible.

Jesus. Drowning a rat? He's just like, you just grabbing. and hold it under water as it thrashes violently? Like I mean, you could get bit. I would just, you know, I would just let the rat be or just, you know, fish it out one of the, you know, the, the pool, uh, scoops. They got to add it.

What's that book about the bushes or it's like, you know, Poppy in the helicopter. They got to do an epilogue about the rat. Rats are also like one of those animals where like, they become 20 times grosser when dead. it doesn't matter if it was instantly killed or not like if there's one second between death and like a dead rat infinitely grosser than a live one infinitely he just he made that pool one billion times grosser so wow george h w bush killing a rat in the white house swimming pool with his bare hands also like if you're the president you could just be like hey can someone get this wasn't Dan Bongayno a secret service agent

do you think you could ask him to shoot the rat maybe not if he would end up hitting Barbara I never got the sense that Bongaino was like a very good Secret Service agent is like Hey guys I've left the Secret Service in age 42 for no reason at all And my new career is writing books about how good I was at it It's like you were probably the worst guy on the team you were probably fucking terrible

I just think that that was like their foreplay for the bushes for George to kill something strangling a rat I learned this it's skull and bones I wonder I wonder it's sort of like with Tony

Soprano where Tony Soprano is involved in and orders the death of dozens of people we only see like him personally only seven on-screen kills how many like on-screen kills do you think HW had in his life Ooh.

And we're counting World War II. A lot. A lot. But, but like him personally, his own bare hands. Oh, his own bare hands.

Yeah. Not, well, bare hands are with a wet, but like him doing it personally. I mean, he flew like 80 combat missions in the Pacific.

So like that's like, right. I mean, who knows how many he's chalked up in that. But, you know. I think like he lived to,

he lived to what, like 98? I think like a couple dozen, right? But unlike Tony Soprano, Tony Soprano might have been a killer of men but was a lover of creatures and animals. That is true.

That is true. Not rats, though. I don't think Tony would have any affection for rats. But he wouldn't like, he wouldn't like, he wouldn't touch a rat with his bare hand. That's an animal. Yeah. Sarah, wait, I have a question.

Go back to your lifeguard experience. You said when someone's shit in the pool, you cleared out the pool for 45 minutes, presumably to fish the feces out of the pool, but then like, there are still fecal particulates just in the chlorine like does the chlorine take care of that why 45 minutes and you're like everyone back in the pool the poop's gone we know it's so interesting it's like as soon as i said it i was like that can't be right it's still it's like when you flush

the toilet the poop goes down the toilet and then the water is back up and you're like clean water i'll just wash my face right i feel like we would like put a bunch of chemicals in the pool definitely I remember scooping the terns out with the net and then we would like bomb the pool with a bunch of chemicals and then that's why the pool would be cleared but you're bringing up an interesting point that public pools

should be able to be flushed like a toilet that's such a good idea that is like a Louis Pasteur type thing where it's like we're idiots for not having that Like I do you remember like I did swimming like using public swimming pools or just swimming pools that you don't personally own that is one of those things that like you only do at the beginning and end of your life and like my biggest memory of being a little kid who is constantly using swimming pools was like being being ushered out so old people could swim but when you really think about it it's like the two most incontinent demographics are. spending all their time in those things. And they don't, they don't change the water when like normal adults

who have control over their bowels use them. Yeah, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's,

I just try not to think about it. You know, as we're talking about this, I swear to God, earlier today, the thought crossed my mind. I was, I think I was probably thinking about the president

and his diapers and like, you know, just the grim spectacle of aging and what we all have to look forward to. But like, do open question here uh do any of you does any of you remember the last time they shit their pants because i do of course yeah oh yeah yeah absolutely i remember the first and last because the last time i did it i've a vivid memory for me i think i was about like eight nine maybe 10 years old no but pretty younger than that because i had scooby-doo under ruse and so i'm

probably pretty young and i shook my pants at the javitt center at the new york city car show Wow. You could have gotten in any of those cars. Not only have I done it recently. It's happened to me a lot of times in recent years. It's always the same thing. Like I'll have like the flu or like a stomach virus or something and be sick for like a week. And then I'll like very tentatively decide it's like okay to work out again.

And then always during like a front or back squat, like going deep. Oh, yeah. Yeah. And it's never like, thank. God, it's never been so bad that it's, like, run down my leg. I've been wearing, like, track pants and not shorts both times, recently, thank God. But it- The only reason it didn't run down your leg was because your ankles were gathered.

Well, I mean, it did, like, I think it probably, it, like, it didn't, no one could tell it ran down my legs, but it was, like, it did, like, it did, like, feel bad, like, obviously you feel bad cheating your pants no matter what. But it felt bad because it was, like, okay I'm leaving the weight room for like 20 to 30 minutes depending on how much shit I had to clean off my ankles and then coming back with like completely different clothes like what do you think happened you got your period yeah no yeah that is I haven't had it happened to me in any other way I have not just been like doing like you know doing my taxes and then boop loops it's always like brought on by physical activity but um yeah no it's um i don't know i think everyone should do it my thing i think it i think it keeps you humble yeah the last time i ship my pants was in my home if you're going to do it that's the place for it to occur yeah yeah that like barely i don't think it even counts sarah i don't think that even counts i you're right but i was so like I was embarrassed.

It's so rare for me to be embarrassed in front of myself. Like, I had COVID. My boyfriend was taking a shower. I was like, I have to shit, but he's taking a shower. I'm not rude. And then I just shit in my pants. But I think like having, having an illness is like, like, both of these times, it was like, you know, some horrible stomach element. Like COVID, your stomach can get really fucked up from COVID. It's not,

if you're having an illness like that, I don't think it's that like if you if you got migraines and then shit yourself like, okay, yeah, that's hard to defend. But I don't think that I don't think you have too much to be embarrassed about there. Thank you guys. Seriously. Thank you. Thank you guys. Seriously. I mean, it was in your own home and you only did it out of out of, you know, politeness for someone who was taking a shower. And you have to laugh. But as soon as you do it, though, you have to, like, duck walk into the bathroom and then just get in the shower.

Just be like, sorry, I take precedence. Yeah. What of my tree of life memories? Got a backdrop blast the skin, trademark left you. One of my tree of life memories is being like three or four years old. And like, I was with my dad and we were writing the L in Chicago. It was like my first time writing the. L and I just I don't remember the actual process of shitting my pants but I do remember like

knowing that there was shit in my pants and I was like okay I just have to sit normally because other people on this train are probably having this problem and they're probably not bothering their dads about it so I'll just I'll just play it cool like everyone else is hey Felix would you say you were riding the brown line that day oh I I I is there any way for me to find out if I was. Because that is one of the, you know. It's one of the famous, one of the famous, one of the famous trans is Chicago.

Hell, it's the brown line. And I shit my pants, New York locals at a PC Richards when I was a child. That's very, that's very good. That, that would be, like an air conditioner or something. That would really stress me out if I was a kid. Okay, like, but did, but did they do the little. PC Richards whistle right when you shit yourself was like do do do do do do like they do a Yankee Stadium. All right. I got a last, I got one last story for us today. And this

involves the sort of the genesis of what we're calling a right wing or a conservative Jesse Smollett. So this is this is a hate crime hoax. But the thing is, I don't know, I guess I shouldn't say like this is a newer novel thing because this kind of shit happens a lot like does anyone remember the girl who carved a backwards B into her face right before Obama got elected I love that girl she did such a bad job she was so awesome and then like uh the the blacks rule graffiti that's really good one uh you know most of the uh you got to admit though that you got to admit though that worked like no one black's rule graffiti stopped after that they were just trying to raise awareness um well okay like if you remember there was a there was a girl i think she was from

pittsburg and she was like working for working for the republican campaign and she like staged a hate crime attack on her of which she like sort of wrote a bee for barak on her face or sort of scratched it into her face but she did it backwards clearly looking in a mirror yeah yeah so it's like okay well the story i'm going to talk about now shows i i won't say like it's not a new thing but it shows an evolution in the sort of, I don't know, the care and preparation, which one puts into faking a hate crime. So this here is, this happened in New Jersey. And it says here, a 26-year-old Ocean City woman

who claimed she was brutally assaulted because she worked for Representative Jeff Van Drew, Republican Ocean City. I mean, I'm so sick of the hate crimes against Jeff Van Drew Stavvers. If there's one person in America who's like hated more than anyone right, now. It's Jeff Van Drew. Oh, wait, wait, hold on a second. Speaking of hated politicians, I didn't even get to the story about Marjorie Taylor

Green resigning. Oh, yeah. I'm out. She just dropped the thing on Friday and said, I'm out of here in January. Bye. It's been real. If you have a good summer. But like, that story is pretty wild to me because, like, look, you can say a lot of things about Marjorie Taylor Green and we have on this show. But like, there's something about me that kind of has to respect her for being like, I'm a Q&N-on believing lunatic who ran for Congress and got elected because I wanted to like, you know, root out all of the cabal of evil pedophiles running our government. And then she

gets elected on that campaign, gets into power in Washington, D.C., and realizes that the elite cabal of pedophiles is like her team. And then she's like, all right, I'm out. It's just not for me anymore. Yeah, yeah. It did show like integrity. She's true to this. Yeah. Yeah. She literally, yeah, in her resignation letter, she said there's no secret plan to save the world, which is a key of thing. Yeah, no. I've had, I've seen like multiple conflicting takes on this. Some people think like she was like forced out. The other interpretation is that by resigning as opposed to like not seeking re-election, it's like more of a more of her spike. them and trying to fuck them over. Not that she necessarily, like, represents a swing district, but it does represent, like,

one more thing they have to worry about, kind of. That's true. With an already slim majority. Like, I really, as bad as things are for Republicans, I would be kind of shocked if they lost that district. But they do, you know, things are at a point that they do have to, like, spend some money and some time on it. Well, like, I mean, the thing is, like, Trump, like, he's gone, he's gone incredibly hard

at her. He's called her a traitor to the United States of America And the only reason he's done did this Is because he apparently took seriously The Epstein file release Yeah Like compare her to those fucking goons

Who showed up at the White House Waving their binders About like oh the big intel drop That's gonna you know sort of I don't know like I don't know Level all the accounts For all the deep state sickos

And they were like you know To turn this as you said many times Into a fucking ridiculous meme And political spectacle but like Marjorie Taylor Green was like no can we have the actual files and then I think it's very telling that Trump was just like she's a disgrace she's a loon

everybody hates her and she's a traitor and it was only over that and not anything else she said or did in power if I found out you guys were on the plane I would be resigning from this podcast so quick what if I what if I did it just to like get points

on my Chase Rewards card. Like you don't think he was just like on the plane for a ride. Don't ever touch a black man sex float. That's what I said on the time. I said that to him and he didn't think it was very funny. It was ejected.

Sorry, I remember, I forgot the Marjorie Killer Green Sir, but this is back to the hate crime story. So it says here, a 26-year-old Ocean City woman who claimed she was brutally assaulted because she worked for representative Jeff Van Drew. of Ocean City, New Jersey

instead orchestrated the entire incident. Paying, okay, here's the part that I find really interesting. Paying a scarification artist to wound her and staging the scene with zip ties and Trump whore written on her stomach and Van Drew is a racist

on her back, federal prosecutors alleged today. Now, I want to bring this up because Sarah, have you ever worked with a professional scarification artist for any of the gross stuff that you do that you do into your comedy. I got a fan.

I got a tramp stamp like every other mentally ill Jewish girl on topic. If that, get your nipples pierced, get a tramp stamp stamp go to Hot Topic. I do,

I do know people who do that though. And it is, she's going to have, like it's going to say Trump horror on her stomach for, it's like a tattoo, basically. Yeah, it's like fucking inglorious bastards. So they took the swastika.

I mean, it's a scar. I'm going to scarification a swastika on me and say someone did a Jewish hate crime to me to make, oh, watch my special. I love that like the other one is Van Drew is a racist. Like, again, this idea that like there is. That should be a tell that this hate crime was like very specific. Because it's like Trump, yeah,

everybody knows him. He's a very controversial figure. several people have tried to kill him but it's like oh yeah Trump horror and then also Jeff Van Drew is a racist where most people would just be like people in Ocean City would be like who

yeah like she's suggesting there's like Ocean City it's like a racially swapped Mississippi burning where like you go there and like a multiracial coalition of kidnappers are like you better not be working for Jeff Van Drew

okay so It says, Natalie Green, a Rutgers Law student, allegedly concocted the hoax in July, with an accomplice making a late night-night- Yeah, in July, this is back in July, with an accomplice making a late-night 911 call to report that she had been ambushed by three men on a nature trail in Egg Harbor Township. Okay, that's the other thing. It's like, it's so premeditated that they know she's of Andrew staffer, and they're like, do, okay, do we want to, like, kill Jeff Andrew himself?

no, who's his least important staffer? Let's hang out around the nature trail she likes for like three months hoping that she comes here. Like, how is this not instantly found out? How did it take this long? And how do we know it's not Jeff V.

Andrew? It says, police officers found green bound with black zip ties, her shirt pulled over her head, and the political slurs scrawled across her torso. She told police that her supposed attackers had a gun and threatened to shoot her and struck her in the head.

Prosecutors say nearly every detail was fabricated. Green allegedly drove to Pennsylvania and paid a body modification artist $500 to carve the words on her face, neck, and upper body. $500. I mean, shit. I'll do it for 50. I've got a fucking box cutter right now.

When they say nearly every detail, do they mean like, well, she is a Trump horror. We've investigated. Jeff Andrew is pretty racist. I mean, that's objectively. Y'all claim, y'all all y'all claim,

I want a BPD art ho. You're scared of the real ones. No one in Dime Square is anything this daring and controversial as sort of a, you know, a public art project. So sorry a bitch wants to

Marina Umbrovich down. I like this detail, though. It says you're, um, oh, yeah, carved the wound, paid $500 to carve the wounds on her face, neck, and upper body using a pattern she had provided in advance, which is what, or like her own handwriting? I don't, I don't get it. Investigators later found matching zip ties in her Maserati SUV. Cell phone records show the, yeah, Maserati SUV. Well, like, I mean, this is, if you could not tell by, um, yeah, yeah, there's some context, like, you know, Rutger, like this is, I mean, this is just, this is just, uh, Jap, Jap hysterics, excellence. It says, cell phone records showed that two days before the purported attack,

her co-conspirator searched online for quote, zip ties near me. Discovery authorities cited as further proof that the incident was staged. And like, folks, I'm not, you know, This isn't crime 101 here, but like, whenever you watch those shows, like, you know, forensic files are the first 48, especially ones that take place now, because most forensic files are about murders that have been in like the early 90s or 80s or whatever. But the thing that stitches people up all the time is your internet searches. Yeah. You know, if you're like, okay, if you're trying to like Google information on how to get away with a murder, I would suggest going to the public library to do that search. Lip-tides, hear me, how to spell Jeff v. Andrew. And also, like, Google in 2025 is not going to, you're not going to get an answer on there.

Like, it's not helping you. This is so much, this is like one of those SVU episodes where, like, Olivia immediately believes the victim, but, like, Finn is like, there's something up with this one. well it's also like funny to think of like um that google ai assist for um zip ties near me it's like they'd send you to get Ziploc bags am i right folks the AI it's bad it stinks hey this uh this the white house pool is looking like a cappuccino back in my day coffee was just coffee a spurious hate crime hoax. She was released on $200,000 unsecured bonds. Investigators used cell tower locations

to obtain video footage and evidence that she went to a dollar store in Ventnor to purchase the zip ties. I mean, like, it's so hard to get away with any crime these days. You know, it's like, it's almost impossible. If you use, if you have a cell phone or a computer, if you use it involved in any aspect of doing a crime,

you're going to get caught, you're going to get done. So I would just, my advice here, walk the straight and narrow, obey all laws. Obey all laws at all times. Why did she do it? Well, obviously to like, you know, I promote her own career. I mean, I think she was thinking of like, I'm going to get on the Riley Gaines, sort of if you're a young conservative woman, the easiest path to just being given money to do nothing is to like attach yourself to some idiotic and hysterical controversy, like, you know,

trans women doing a swim meet or fucking uh you know this hate that i was hate crimes by you know i don't know joe biden supporters of my no no they like they do like give you a medal if you're like a conservative who like gets beaten up right yeah yeah that like awful little that all right yeah andy indy go like that's his entire like he's made millions of dollars from writing books called like how I got beat up someone brained him with like a drink and he it's great like he got like

he now he's been speaking with a British accent ever since yeah because of his brain damage you know that like awful little fucker who worked for dog who uh oh yeah the big balls yeah he's who's like connected to that 764 shit yeah oh yeah like he the circumstances of his attack

was like very weird it was like I was simply in my car at 4 a.m. and like a drum a drug spot in Washington, D.C., and these young men tried to assault me and steal my car. They, like, dug up spears from Band of Brothers. They dug up his body

and, like, gave his medals to that case. Because he got beat up so bad. It's like, that's like, if you're trying to advance in that world, like, it is sort of the best thing you can do. Yeah, absolutely. Just be, like, become a victim

in, like, a hilarious way. In a hilarious way that's, like, really, like, debasing for you to share publicly with the world. Yeah, I Oh my God. How come no one has tried like Oh, I got tarded feathered. I got Yeah, I, I work

for, um, who's like a who's a politician who's like as forgettable as Jeff Andrew? It's actually kind of hard thinking of like a more forgettable congressman. I knew he was, but it was just like oh yeah, no, Jeff Andrews so polarizing. Millet, you can't

go anywhere without people giving their opinion about fucking Jeff Van Drew, yeah if you say you were working for God, yeah, no, Jeff Andrew and you got Tarter and Feathered. Just try him again.

Just try it again. You know, like, be like the guys who tart and feathered me knew that like the police wouldn't believe me because that girl lied, but they really did do this to me. Y'all are just not. all just can't handle a strong woman who puts her money where her fucking mouth is.

She puts her pussy on the pavement. The body of the line. She is out in these streets doing sherry Papini boots down-ass work. No one wants to work anymore. Well, at least of all these fucking conservative influencers who like get on the fucking gravy train for the rest of their life because one bad thing

happened to them that wasn't even that bad. The Antifa, they tied me to a log and a log with going to it. giant but far. And it's like anti-fah, pussy. Call me when it's Uncle Fah, okay? You know, I was, I think I was a Pablo Torre's podcast, an episode about Riley Gaines. And apparently she's getting paid like a hundred grand from the Heritage Foundation to like

accept a medal on her own behalf for her bravery and protecting women and girls in sports. That's like that's like the type of event that like a remedial child comes. up with we're having a party where I'm getting a medal for the race I should have won like I I I guess everyone gets a trophy culture the new like the every like every woman involved in like conservative politics under the age of like 40 they're all they're all like a little Janice soprano now very much very much they all have they all have a Rolling Stones' tongue breast tattoo. And it says Trump whore underneath.

Slippery when wet around Trump. I kind of like Trump horror. Trump whore. Quiet, piggy. Well, I think that does it for today's episode. Let's wrap things up here. But Sarah, you've got a new special coming out. And to promote it, I'm going to stage a, I said, a shocking hate crime.

S&L war. I mean, look up that body scarification artist. You know, I'm sure there's someone in the S&L props department who could have to want it. It's only 500 bucks. Yeah. Colin Jost is a racist. I'm going to string myself up to the like Atlas shrug, or whatever statue.

The Rockefeller Center statue. Oh, yeah. Crucify yourself on it. Sarah, Sarah, say that you got attacked by like a mad TV dead enders. By Will Sassau.

Will Saso attack you? I get it like so wrong. I get it wrong and I'm just like naked. Like for no reason. Everyone's confused. Everyone's confused. So yeah, I have an HBO special Coming out December 12th

And listen, if you like this type of shit Maybe you like that type of shit I like the idea of Amelia Bedeliang Like a false flag hate crime so much It's so funny Like sending your own nudes to your boss The Congressman and being like They're doing revenge porn against me

And it's like from your number Writing like on the on like the wrong garage door in pig's blood like Sarah is a Jew horror and the person just is like who's Sarah and washes it off immediately. It reminds me of one of my favorite jokes that Michael Hudson told, which is like someone trying to like be epic on Twitter in like 2018 and they're like guys watch this and they get retweeted by Charlie Kirk and then change their display name to I am a pedophile. always made me laugh

so the special HBO December 12th what's it called it's called Sarah Squirm Live and in the flesh and if you really like the story of Felix shitting his pants all the way up filling it from the ankles all the way up to his chest it wasn't fit no it was just like a very

I don't want to get graphic no you said you filled it up that's what you said with the podcast cut out for a second and the listeners are at home don't know this, but it stopped recording because of like, you know, classic podcasting error glitch. And it cut out the part where Felix said it filled it up from the ankles all the way it was the opposite of a viscous consistency. All right.

Well, there'll be plenty more shit, piss and blood in Sarah Squirrel live in the flesh. HBO, December 12th. All right, that does it for today's episode, everybody. Until next time, bye-bye. I don't carry these sins on my back. Don't want to carry any more. I'm going to carry this train off the track. I'm going to swim to the ocean.