Chapo Trap House - Bonus: Ham Man Bad

Episode Date: November 5, 2018

A SPECIAL PRE-ELECTION DAY BONUS EP!!!! In case you live in Wisconsin and needed any further motivation to vote Scott Walker out of office, here is our honey-baked roast of Scott Walker and his unbearable book "Unintimidated", live from the Barrymore Theater in Madison, Wisconsin on 10/16/18.

Okay guys, so as I mentioned, we talked about a lot of Wisconsin politicians, but there's one in particular that we wanted to spend some serious time on. And that would be Scott Walker. You saw at the very beginning him in a video just recorded today and put on his Twitter account rocking his Packers jersey, talked about all the family members that he has with pre-existing conditions, and how he assured all of you that as long as he was in charge, pre-existing conditions would always be covered. Every member of my family has the Innsmouth look.

Well, it is a personal issue for him because he wants his health insurance to fix those fucked up eyelids. Just reading here from Politico today, Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker sought for years to put Medicaid recipients to work. Now federal officials have given him most of what he wanted, but he's delaying the process for fear that changes will doom his flailing reelection bid, say three federal officials familiar with the deliberations. Wisconsin's been stalling, said one official, adding the Trump administration has been ready

to formally approve and announce the state's new work requirements for weeks. It's ended up being a lot of hurry up and wait. The Walker administration disputed the government is slow walking the process, saying the state needs time to iron out the details and blaming delays on the Trump administration. Walker's hesitation to impose strict Medicaid work rules comes as many Republicans have retreated from health care on the campaign trail, and as Democrats hammer the message the GOP is working to strip health care protections for millions of people. And of course this is what he's responding to, assuring you that of course he will not

do that. Yeah, it'll be great. He's going to get reelected and then the day after his inauguration he's going to announce diving for chemotherapy. The fun new game show where the higher up you're willing to jump into a fool, the more interfere on you get. As is that it, you know, these incompetent Republicans, they run up the deficit and they lie and they don't even pass the Medicaid work requirements that we all want.

That's why you need to vote Democratic, because you will get Medicaid opportunity programs where you have to log 80 hours a week on a paid app in order to get health care. I think it's nice that he's protecting all those with Romanov blood diseases. Under the Democratic plan, if you're really good at the app tick-tock, you get Medicaid. Wonderful. So Scott Walker of course rose to national prominence for his role in stripping collective bargaining rights from state employees and his recall election and the protest it generated which played out all right here in Madison, Wisconsin in your beautiful dome, all under

the dome. Scott Walker is basically the perfect politician to be backed by the Koch brothers. He is an utterly gormless moron through which you can pour anything into and he will regurgitate it semi-competently in front of a television camera. He's got this like dumb boyish face and demeanor that is truly repellent to me. I don't know how you people deal with it. Scott Walker. We have some Scott Walker fans here in the audience tonight.

That's the handsomest man in Wisconsin. No, Scott Walker's Instagram is like, it's darker than like Instagram's that are just ISIS beheading videos, like it is like an oppressive type of normalness. Like just the fucking bag lunches of the dry ham he takes to work every day, just fucking unbearable. At least like, at least other austere republican politicians, it was like Duke Cunningham, they were doing all this evil shit, so they're like, oh, I'm gonna buy some pajamas and charm a young lady on my boat.

But he's just like, he's not even getting anything out of it, it's just, he's just this fucking wood-faced oaf who's eating dry ham for 35 years. Yeah, if you really, really want to describe and sum up Scott Walker, the politician and Scott Walker, the person, Felix alluded to it, it's this. This is a, I'm quoting from a news article now. With National Sandwich Day behind us, Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker on Friday, apropos of nothing other than- Because that's like the Goyish Passover.

Yeah, that's when they all got let out of Kroger's, even though they got locked in. On Friday, apropos of nothing other than the fact it was four hours until lunchtime, Scott Walker shared on Twitter that for 26 years, he's eaten two ham and cheese sandwiches nearly every day. Normal man. His expectations maybe include Thanksgiving or his birthday, but it's unclear. Mr. Too Damn Normal. The news was followed up with the statement that, like millions of Americans, I bring

my own lunch to work and included a picture of Walker holding mayonnaise. But like loose in his hand. I love being the chief executive of an incredibly populous state with a big economy and just having the same brain as one of those Labrador Retrievers that gets excited to eat the same dry food every day of their life, but also just being a vicious servant of austerity also. Scott Walker. Yeah, he's like-

Over 26 years. He answers the question, answers like, what if your governor looked like a hundred dudes knutted into a Jell-O-Mold? I think someone- Go on, Will. Go on. Go off. Sorry, buddy.

Sorry. Go off, Ken. And that's ham, sis. And Matt, you pointed this out, not only does he tweet about his two ham sandwiches every day for 26 years, which is like almost 20,000 ham sandwiches consumed over the course of life. That's so much ham. That's too much ham.

Matt, you told me he also tweets about his wife, Tanette, making him ham for dinner every fucking night. Well, no, every Sunday evening, every Sunday after church, he goes picking up hot ham and rolls after church. So that means he's having ham sandwiches five lunches a week, and then he's eating hot ham and rolls on Sunday after church. Look, I enjoy- So that is six daily meals of processed pork product.

I enjoy- How is this colon not the size of a goddamn two-four poster bed? It is. I don't understand. I enjoy a Haram meal being, that is the food of my people. We're a hog people who eat ourselves. Holy shit, that is so much pork, and I believe him. I believe he eats that much pork.

Oh, no, he eats it all. He eats it all. Felix, is there a Jewish punishment for being the least kosher? I mean, what could Jews even do to Scott Walker? Oh, you don't get to go to the New York Film Festival, Scott. Like, you know, there's nothing the Jewish people can take away from Scott Walker at all. Oh, Scott, you're never going to have a bar mitzvah, buddy.

You who can barely read English, you won't be able to do any of the Jewish stuff. I mean, I just, I really want to underscore this. I have tried to have the same thing for lunch, like maybe three days in a row, and like, and honestly, like by the third day, I think I'm going insane. I can't imagine it. Think about, like I said, how utterly gormless and bland and just how like, what a husk you are as a person. If you can literally eat the same two ham and cheese sandwiches every day of your life

for 26 years and be like, this is great. I love it. I have literally forced myself to make friends because I slow cooked a pork shoulder and there's too much pork in my fridge to eat by myself. I have invited strangers over to be like, Hey, let's be friends, please for the love of God, eat this out of my refrigerator. Pork is a very extreme meat. It's delicious, but holy shit, if you eat it every day all the time, you're actually

a sociopath. If mom is the way, evidence for Scott Walker being a sociopath is contained in his book, which is entirely meant to be like a prelude to his utterly baffling and hilarious fail running for president in 2016. He didn't even get a fucking Trump nickname. That's how pathetically he performed. Yeah, Trump, like Trump didn't even notice him long enough to give him a stupid nickname. You know, Matt, Trump thought he was like, like a valet guy or something.

You know, Matt, your Tommy Thompson example is very good. And Scott Walker is another, like this guy, because of what he did to the unions here in Wisconsin and like the credibility he got with that, he was like the number one guy. He was a guy, he had the coke backing. He was like the perfect mold with which to run like the Paul Ryan agenda in 2016. And it went nowhere. It went nowhere. I mean, maybe shit, Wisconsin is like the upper limit of what you can accomplish as

a ham eating maniac. But now I want to, I want to talk about his book. Now obviously this was like a promotional thing for his 2016 presidential run. Before he realized there was such a thing as a ham ceiling. The book is called Undisputed. Can we put it up there? Oh, he's a big boy, isn't he? Unintimidated.

I'm sorry. Unintimidated. Look at the big boy. He's not scared of anybody, is he? No, he's a big scary boy. With a tie as wide as the peninsula. The book opens with him talking about how there was a loud vending machine in the capital that used to scare him, but not anymore.

The one with the coke machine with the robotic arm thing. So the title, like I said, I'm sorry, Not Undisputed, Unintimidated. And essentially this book was his sort of like press packet for how he stood up to the unions and he stood up to all the protesters here in Madison to pass his horrific reforms to collective bargaining rights. Look at that face. He's not intimidated at all. He can tie all kinds of knots.

So and one more thing I want to point out. It says Governor of Wisconsin, Scott Walker, a governor's story and a nation's challenge with Mark Thyssen. Now he couldn't even like, this is one of these things where like getting a, like a ghost. It's his cousin of Tiffany Amber, correct. A ghost writer would be too embarrassing. So it says with Mark Thyssen, Scott Walker did not write any of this book.

He is too dumb to fill out like a fucking survey to get like a Kmart membership card. This is all Mark Thyssen. He's too dumb to vote in most states. This is all Mark Thyssen. And keep in mind, as I went through this book, there's a whole, there's a whole section about like, you know, how, how we won in Wisconsin, how we defeated these people and a big part of it, according to him, was just his essential decency and respect. And you know, and he's not, he's not vulgar.

He doesn't demonize people. Mark Thyssen was a former fuck, he worked for Jesse Helms before becoming a speechwriter for George W. Bush. And then Washington Post columnist who throughout the entire Bush years was the single most vociferous defender of torture and waterboarding in those all eight years. If you wanted to get a guy to come on TV or in print, say that literally drowning someone is morally or criminally torture, is not torture, it was Mark Thyssen. That's his fucking ace in the hole for this book.

Keep that in mind. Let's go. The introduction to this book is titled, If It Can Happen in Wisconsin, It Can Happen Anywhere. And he means that's a good thing. And this is what's so fucking depressing about reading this book, is it's just an account of how he did what he did and got famous for, got away with it, and guess what? He's right.

It is gonna happen everywhere, sorry. It begins, if you were like me, the view from Washington DC these days is pretty grim. Barack Obama has been elected to a second term, don't worry Scott, it gets better. Obama care will not be repealed anytime soon. Keep that in mind when about that clip we showed you at the beginning. Congress has approved massive tax increases. The national debt is on track to double during Obama's presidency. We are experiencing the worst economic recovery America has ever had.

Family income is plummeted and more than three quarters of Americans are living paycheck to paycheck. Over 20 million Americans still cannot find work or are simply given up trying. Even governors of states aren't able to afford an entire chin. Things may look hopeless in Washington DC, but from where I sit in Wisconsin, the view is decidedly more hopeful and optimistic. From the governor's beanbag chair. He goes, the question is, why are so many Republican governors and state legislators

winning elections at a time when national Republicans are faring so poorly? The answer in part is that while Washington remains locked in endless battles that most Americans don't see as having much impact on their daily lives, Republican leaders at the state level are offering big, bold, positive reforms that are relevant to the lives of our citizens. In Washington, politicians fight over fiscal cliffs, debt limits, and sequesters. In the states, we are focused on improving education, caring for the poor, reforming government, lowering taxes, fixing entitlements, reducing dependency, and creating jobs and

opportunity for the unemployed. That sounds pretty good. Did he just say that the fiscal cliff and debt ceilings are just stupid, intangible issues that don't affect people? He's right, but he's one of those deficit warriors, which he's completely given up his premise to talk about how awesome he is for just passing everything in the Alec playbook. He goes here, he talks about how he wants all of these deficits and big union contracts and benefits we're sending Wisconsin into fiscal ruin, and he proposes-

Yes, that's it, the unions. This is the theme of the book, and he proposes it seems like common sense, right? Well, the union bosses in Washington and Madison didn't see it that way. They understood that our reforms were the leading edge of a national grassroots movement for fiscal reform, a movement that is flying below the radar of the mainstream media, but which holds the hope for a bold, conservative resurgence across America. They understood the threat this grassroots movement posed to their entrenched interests, so they decided to fight back, and they made Wisconsin ground zero in their counteroffensive.

Ultimately, the unions took their stand in Wisconsin because of the unprecedented nature of our reforms. We did not simply go after the money, the lavish benefits the unions had extorted from taxpayers over the years. That's lavish benefits with their basic levels of healthcare and guaranteed work hours that they can go to their jobs, those lavish union benefits. We did not simply go after the money, we dismantled the entire system of corruption and cronyism by which the unions perpetuated their political power and dictated spending decisions to state

and local government. We took the reins of power from the union bosses and put the taxpayers back in charge. So they threw everything they had at us. They mobilized some 100,000 protesters to take over the Wisconsin state capitol in a sit-in that helped give birth to the Occupy movement, except that they were slightly better than the Occupy. By the way, was anyone in this audience tonight at those protests? There's some good material about you guys later.

They transported agitators from Illinois, New York, Nevada, and other states. Outside agitators? Culinary union. They banged drums and blasted horns day and night, harassed and spit on lawmakers as they made their way through the capitol. So many monocles were shattered that day. And turned our historic rotunda into a theater of the absurd. Yo, I got a historic rotunda for you right here, baby.

By the way, people were turning it to rhinoceroses and other people who weren't acknowledging that they were turning into rhinoceroses. Do whatever the fuck you want to me, but do not turn my rotunda into a place of mockery. You do not inject dadaist concepts of the inherent absurdity of Western culture into my gorgeous rotunda. Dude, if I see Marcel Duchamp, I'm gonna kick his fucking ass, no cap. That is a fucking pipe, motherfucker. What else is it?

Obviously, it's a pipe, I'll fucking kill you. By the way, it was fascinating to learn that your guy's dome is second only to the US capitol in terms of the largest theater of absurdity in the United States. Gorgeous globular absurdity. Many are saying that Wisconsin is the most sus state. Okay, that's just the introduction. This is chapter one. Chapter one is titled,

This is what democracy looks like. Oh, it's doing irony, nice. Oh, God. Oh, good. I love an ironic gentleman. This, it feels like you've been reading from this for like an hour, but like, I know you've only read the introduction. This book gives you the feeling of...

We've all aged 20 years here on this stage. This book gives you the feeling of eating too much ham, like it's incredible. We're all dealing with ham sweats right now. This is how this chapter, this is how the book begins. I'd like some ham, actually. Why? We'll get some after the show. I'd like, I'd like a nice...

Matt, we're... You girls love a ham. I'd like a nice honeybake. Matt, I'm gonna give you some ham after the show, it's okay, thank you. This is how, this is how this chapter in the book begins. Governor, we've lost control of the capitol. The call came from my deputy chief of staff, Eric Schutt, amid the chaos. His voice was calm, in matter of fact.

It was not. Thousands of protesters had overrun the police and were rampaging through the historic Wisconsin state capitol building. It was March 9th, 2011, and the state senate had just held a sudden, unexpected vote on our legislation to reform collective bargaining. The move had caught the unions and protesters by surprise. With 14 Democratic senators still hiding out across state lines in Illinois, everyone thought that the senate could not act.

Under our state constitution, a vote on any bill, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. It was a simple, clean solution. We urged the senate to do it right away, but Republican senators hesitated. They were afraid if they passed collective bargaining provisions alone without the fiscal savings, they would be accused of union bashing. Of course, they were accused of union bashing anyway. And as the weeks went on, while the senate was wringing its hands, their inaction had given the union bosses time to organize protests and build pressure.

In February, first hundreds and then thousands of people began living inside the capitol building. Every hour, the protesters held a massive rally under the capitol dome, with billhorns, drum circles, bagpipes, and chanting and singing. A bunch of fucking public school teachers from Wisconsin would be like, well, you know, we work hard for our money, and they're fucking shitting their pants. It was governor, we've lost control. Yeah, we take care of those kids, and not all of them get a breakfast, and you know

what, I gotta say, we deserve a decent wage. They're fucking shitting their pants over that shit. They're like, he's like, I don't like a drum circle either, but absolutely not. He's talking about it like he's in the Ted Offensive. There were, yeah, it's a very limited number of drum circles. There were far more like, you know, lemon squares than drum circles. Okay, good. The roar of the crowd was nearly constant.

The sound sometime reached more than 105 decibels. Louder than a Packers game at Lambeau Field. It literally shook the building. The protesters in the Capitol accosted anyone in a suit, shoving cameras in their faces and demanding to know who they were. The building was strewn with garbage and empty pizza boxes. It was so packed with human bodies, there was no way to move around, much less clean. Check this out, check this out.

After a while, the floors became covered with a disgusting film, and the odor of unwashed humanity wafted through the hallways. That is one of my favorite conservative tropes. Look, I like my Jean Naté, okay? That is one of my favorite conservative tropes about protesting though, is that like, there's garbage and how it felt like, when the bikers for Trump protested Obama, they didn't litter at all. They just sold their shake and bake meth in an orderly fashion and packed up their tri-wheeled

bikes with a lazy boy on the back of it, back into the giant trailers they arrived on. It says, unwashed humanity wafted through the hallways, the place smelled like a port-a-john. I highly doubt that. What happened is that he had forgotten that he left a ham sandwich behind the radiator. Here's my favorite part, when the protestors eventually left, work crews with power washers had to spend days scrubbing the building from floor to ceiling. Here it is, here's my favorite part, people were smoking pot inside the Capitol. How many of y'all, how many of y'all chiefed that loud in the second largest dome and theater

of the absurd in America, show of hands? Meet me after the show. This sounds a lot like our last Airbnb review. I really like the breathlessness of it, when you can just boil it all down to, I thought that it smelled like doo-doo, it's like his 9-11, that he smelled the doo-doo. There were so many sleeping bags, inflatable mattresses, and tents, that my staff often joked about how many protest babies there would be in nine months' time. They're like, me and my staff were thinking all the time about how many people were just

fucking and sucking, right on the very beautiful floors that we do our legislating in. Me and my boy Scott Walker are going autofocus tonight, very cool. You did not want to take a black light to that dome. Okay, so he's talking about, the Capitol was quiet as I departed that morning, since no one was expecting the Senate to act until the following day, and the cost of security were soaring into the millions. At around 3.30 p.m., my secretary of administration, Mike Hoopsk, sent home 200 or so reserve police officers in the basement of the Capitol, big mistake.

At 4.10 p.m., Mike got an urgent call from Eric Schutt. The Senate's going in at 6 p.m., Eric told him. What the expletive in brackets are you talking about, Mike asked? They're going to pass the bill, Eric explained. Mike's face blanched. Oh, God, I just let the police officers go. As word about what the Senate was doing spread, social media exploded. The unions and their supporters flooded Twitter and Facebook with urgent calls for protesters

to rush the Capitol. Standing on the Capitol steps at dusk, Mike Hoopsk? Yeah, Mike Hoopsk. He watched where I work. Watched as an army of thousands formed on State Street and began marching towards him. Soon they had descended on the building, banging on the doors and windows chanting, Let us in, let us in. The small contingent of Capitol police was quickly overwhelmed.

Protesters ripped it. Protesters ripped the hinges off an antique door on State Street entrance and streamed inside. Still standing outside, Mike shut, called the deputy, Hoops, chief of police, no, wait, called the deputy chief of police, Dan Blackdeer, to report what he was seeing. We've lost the ground floor. We're dropping back to the first floor, Blackdeer told them from inside the besieged Capitol building.

This is like public school teacher. Sir, sir, I am visibly ascertaining Pete Seeger-style musical ops. Sir, there are banjos coming from both flanks. Sir, they are smoking mid-style marijuana. The most powerful kind. The protesters ran amok chanting, This is our house, and this is what democracy looks like. And they began searching for the Republican senators who had dared to defy the will of

the unions. Yes. Eric shut, and my chief of staff, Keith Gilks. Jesus fucking Christ. These are all made up. Gilks, Gilks, okay. Where are these Harry Potter-ass Republicans, what the shit? These are just like, this is just like the author of reality gave them stupid guy names.

Hey, I'm the assistant to the governor, Dan Squeegee. The next morning on March 11th, 2011, my legal counsel, Brian Haggadorn, all right, I'm still waiting for a normal fucking name of this entire goddamn thing. Okay, so that's his description of like, you know, night of living dead at the Capitol building where they're like, protesters like their arms are coming through windows, like, give us a communion contract. Wait, what happened when they stalked around looking for Republican senators? Several of them were killed and beheaded on television.

Yeah, that was pretty fucked up. Yeah, that would have been so cool. All right, this is chapter two, which is titled, Go Ahead and Do It. The original title was, You Can Do It, Put Your Ass Into It, but they decided it was too blue. So, Go Ahead and Do It was what his Republican state senator named Mike Crumshoot said as he was put up against a wall right before he was shot by the protesters, he said, Go Ahead and Do It, All You Will Kill Is A Man.

Oh, there's no way he would be that stoic. No, Mike Cucci would go out as a warrior. I want to read one section. This is how Scott Waterker describes the public sector. He goes, In the private sector, when managers downsize, they can assess their operations, decide where people go, and are most needed and choose to retain the best and brightest while letting the least productive workers go. Absolutely.

Not in the public sector. The rules under collective bargaining are as simple as they are in name. If you're the last to be hired, you're the first to be fired, period. That meant if we were forced to hand out random pink slips, we would have to let go of some of our most productive workers. Meanwhile, many of the least productive would be able to hold on to their jobs only because of seniority. That is no way to run anything.

I'll be the last to be fired from CHOPPO, by the way. No, it would actually be me. I put in the paperwork to start the company. We'll talk about this later. Well, of course. Yeah. Wait, what are we doing? You're getting fired, dude.

Sorry. Oh, no. Yeah. Sorry, man. You're fired. Oh. We want local communities to keep our streets clean, keep our citizens safe, and give our children the best possible education.

Collective bargaining makes those legitimate tasks much harder. Government can't work when unions siphon off taxpayer dollars meant for public works and public schools into excessive and unsustainable benefit packages. Government can't work when local officials are denied the tools their private sector counterparts enjoy to reward good employees and fire bad ones. Government can't work without Corvay labor. We will call you up for a few months every year, and you'll build monuments to the pharaoh. Yeah, private sector.

You got to encourage private sector employment by allowing Foxconn to build a suicide net factory. Okay, but what private sector is prevalent in Wisconsin, I have to know. What is it? Culvers? Yeah. Well, good fucking luck, you fat fucks. Collective bargaining is the enemy of good government.

Its supporters call it a right, but the fact is it is not a right enshrined in the U.S. or Wisconsin Constitution. I hope he gets eaten. Honestly, what a fucking ghoul. What a fucking monstrous piece of shit. That all sounds like Ed hominem to me. This is a section from chapter four where he describes the game that Indiana Governor Mitch Daniels spit to him at a Republican conference in San Diego that gave him the swag

and the drip necessary to take on corrupt union bosses in Wisconsin. He told me to remember that political capital is not something you spend, it's something you invest. And properly invested, it brings a return. When you make bold reforms and people see that they worked, they will give your next big idea a little more credence. I'm terrified to think what his next big idea will be, by the way. Third, he said, always have that next big idea ready.

Never stop reforming. Always be reforming. Always be reforming. Moreover, if you're constantly innovating, your opponents will constantly be responding. When people disagree or throw rocks, better that they are responding to your agenda rather than setting one for you. So just keep throwing rocks at Scott Walker, please. We need a new terror.

All right. I want to get to my favorite part of the book now, which is... How is any of this your favorite part? Good God. Yes, it is all terrible, but this is where Scott gets his comeuppance. Hold on a second. It's the prank call. Do you guys remember that?

This is great. Oh, wait. This is a funny anecdote about his wife, Tanette. The Mormon ass name. What the fucking name is that? Yeah, not a name. Bullshit name. It sounds like...

I mean, it sounds like someone challenged him and was like, you don't have a wife, dude. What's her name? Tanette? She's Canadian. The protest frayed her nerves. One night, Tanette was downstairs to get something. While she was in the kitchen, I opened the door to our bedroom and saw a bat flying around in the air.

I yelled to warn her not to come into the room. Okay, but real bitches aren't afraid of bats, that's all I'm going to say. And to ask security to bring up a broom. She did not hear me mention the bat. She was certain that a protester had broken into the house and was trying to kill me. I love that she thinks her husband, like, she's as dumb as her husband. She's like, oh, he's asking for the thing used to beat back a protester, a broom. There's a home invader.

I'm going to ask our armed security guy for a fucking broom. People don't know this, but the Pinkerton's all carried brooms to swat. Boy, get out of here, sir hand, sir hand, you'll go get. Get. Get on out of this ambassador hotel kitchen, this fucking idiot thought somebody broke into her house and was like, oh, he needs, he needs like, yeah, just needs like a spray bottle. Do you people know this, but the Apollo theater Sandman was based on the Pinkerton detective

agency. How dare you, you awful fucking protesters. My precious wife, Tanette, every time we're walking down the street and she sees a large ex painted on the ground, she's sure that there's a dangling piano above it, waiting to crush me. Well, we're all making fun of Tanette, but you have to admit her comedy special is very good. You redefined comedy, in my opinion, but the governor, so she said she was certain that

a protester had broken into the house and was trying to kill me. She told me afterwards, she was thinking, oh God, they got him. It's over. Oh God, it's over. It's over. Where the fuck did they meet? I'm free now. It's over.

Where the fuck did this couple meet, like an adult annex, her learning how to tie your shoes? Love to reassure my tiny dumb wife. Before she found out he was dead, she was already packing a suitcase for her fucking Bahamas crews that she had planned. They met in the traditional Wisconsin way of both being lost in a hedge maze. This is my favorite part. So he says, oh my God, they got him.

It's over. Tanette actually thought that a protester had attacked me in our own house. It's like he's calling her stupid. Tanette is dumb as shit. It's like he's calling her stupid as well. That's how intense it was. This is really funny. How intensely stupid my wife is, and me.

At Christmas time in 2011, our staff put together a book with pictures of the most awful signs the protesters had carried, comparing me to Hitler and Hosni Mubarak. You know, our ally in fucking Egypt until... Tanette was horrified at the Halloween party when she accidentally put her thumb in front of me across the room and thought that I had disappeared. All right. All right. Here we go.

Here's an... Tanette had a terrible experience when she realized she wasn't actually squashing my head. Moving on from Tanette. This is my favorite chapter. Yes, I have a favorite chapter in this book. It's titled, The Power of Humility, The Burden of Pride. The morning of the fireside speech, after a week or so of more insistent pleas, my staff

had arranged for me to take a call from David Koch, the billionaire industrialist, who with his brother Charles had founded the conservative grassroots organization. In the same fucking sentence where he says the conservative billionaire and his brother who founded this grassroots organization... What? That's what grassroots means. A billionaire shows up and puts grass on the roots. Americans for prosperity.

For some reason, I had hesitated taking the call. No you fucking didn't. As soon as they told you David Koch on line one, you were like, oh boy, put down your fucking second ham sandwich for the... But there was a cloud in the shape of Scott Walker eating a ham sandwich next to the desk. Because of how fast he ran to the fucking telephone. So he goes, for some reason I had hesitated taking the call. We were so busy trying to pass the bill, I did not want any distractions from that effort.

But my staff finally convinced me by pointing out that Mr. Koch's company owns Georgia Pacific in Green Bay, with more than 2,000 workers as one of Wisconsin's largest employers. I was told that he was concerned about the impact of the protests on the business climate in the state. Against my better instincts, I took the call. Against what instincts? His fear... Also by the way, accidentally admits that he has nothing about the political economy

of the state of which he presides. I think his like better instinct is like, you know, honestly, sometimes I don't trust telephones. I don't know how they work. Is David Koch inside of it? His instinct that is, is this David Koch or is this a bat or is David Koch a bat type person? Look, if you leave a ceiling fan on while you sleep, will you suffocate?

I don't know. I had never spoken with Mr. Koch before, so I didn't know what to expect. Close the telephone, steal your voice. The call started out seeming fairly normal, but eventually it got odd. At some point it got uncomfortable, like when he made a lewd comment about Morning Joe co-host Mika Brzezinski. It was shortly after he convinced me to nail my scrotum to my table that I began to wonder if everything was on the up and up.

And I looked for a way to get off the call. After I hung up, I thought nothing more about it. The next morning, my staff came in and told me the caller had not been David Koch at all. But a prankster named Ian Murphy, dude, shout out Ian Murphy and the Buffalo Beast if you remember that. Ian Murphy is the only good Irish American. Ian Murphy's countdown to the top 50 most loathsome Americans for the Buffalo Beast was honestly one of my huge inspirations for starting Chop Out.

The call had been taped and posted online, and now the national media was all over it. Murphy was immediately celebrated by union activists for supposedly exposing my ties to the Koch brothers and proving that I was doing their bidding. If anything, his call proved the opposite. Keep in mind, when they were going to pass this bill, Scott Walker was not doing any media national or local at all. It was a complete blackout on any media appearances, and then his staff was like a David Koch-sounding guy on line one, and he said, sure, it showed that I had never spoken to David Koch before

in my life. I couldn't even recognize the guy's voice. If I had really been doing Koch's bidding, I would have recognized immediately that it was not Koch on the other end of the line. Instead, I spoke to the fake Koch at length. The call made Murphy something of a celebrity, and Democrats later enlisted him to campaign against me and build support for my recall. He was later photographed hobnobbing with some of the Democratic senators who had fled

the state. They should have chosen their company more carefully. It emerged that in 2008, Murphy had written a disgusting essay for an alternative paper in Buffalo titled, Fuck the Troops. I love this guy. We may have to reverse our anti-Irish sentiment on this podcast just for Ian Murphy. This guy rocks. In which he declared, quote, so 4,000 rubes are dead, cry me the Tigris, they got what

they asked for, and cool robotic limbs, too. As a society, we need to discard our blind deference to military service. There's nothing admirable about volunteering to murder people. Yes, correct. I honestly, we owe this guy royalties, I feel like, this guy fucking rocks. So Scott Walker has just discovered Ian Murphy is both a good writer and pretty cool dude. He goes, still, I was not as mad at him as I was at myself. Listening to my voice on the recording of the call, my heart sank.

I came across his pompous and full of myself. I bragged about my television appearances. We've all had national shows, I told the fake Coke. We were on Hannity last night. I did Good Morning America, the Today Show, and all that sort of stuff, and was on Morning Joe this morning. We've done Greta Van Stuster, and we keep going to get our message out. Mark Levin last night, and I got to tell you, the response around the country has been phenomenal.

I guess he wasn't having a media blackout, he was only doing Morning Joe and fucking Hannity. But the worst moment came when the prankster asked about whether we'd considered putting agitators in the crowd. What were you thinking about the crowd was planting some troublemakers, he said? I did not want to insult Mr. Coke by saying that we would never do something so stupid. So instead I stammered, you know, well, the only problem with that, because we thought about that, he just said that we would never consider it, so he's saying now he's humoring

David Coke by saying, well, yeah, we've considered planting agitators in the crowd. The public is not really fond of this. The teachers union did some polling and focus groups, and I think found out that the public turned on them the minute they closed school down for a couple of days. The guys we've got left are largely from out of state, and I keep dismissing it in all my press comments saying, oh, they're mostly from out of state. So he goes, it was a dumb thing to say. The fact is, we never, never considered putting troublemakers in the crowd to discredit the

protesters. The unions were doing a good enough job of that on their own. We had the agitators they were bringing in from out of state, but I had made it seem like we had, because I said that we had considered doing that. Who had suggested it? How seriously did I consider it? I got through it, but the press conference is one of my toughest days. I felt like an idiot.

Sure I was upset my staff had let the call get through to my office, making me look so silly, but ultimately I was responsible for how I came across. Many later did I realize that God had a plan for me with that episode. Oh. I knew it was God. It's always God. Folks, you know when you get a call asking you if you have Prince Albert in a can? That's God talking to you.

I want to know if your refrigerator is running. God friended Scott. I'm going to go out on a limb and say, is Scott Walker Protestant? Is he a Protestant? Yes, he is. He's Protestant. There you go. There you go.

Look. Oh my God. Wait, he's Catholic? My pants fell down and everyone saw the one long hair on my dick. No, he went to Marquette, but it was God. He went to Marquette, but I think I read, no, in his Wikipedia it says he was a Protestant. He was sort of a Baptist minister. We'll be partying there after the show tonight.

Thank you everybody. So it says, God had a plan for me by getting owned by Ian Murphy from the Buffalo Beast. He was working through Ian. In my office is a devotional book on leadership by John Maxwell that I read for his daily message. The day we learned the call had been a prank, we had been so busy that I never had a chance to pick it up. After my press conference, when I had a moment to catch my breath, I opened the book.

The title for that day was The Power of Humility, The Burden of Pride. I looked up and said, I hear you, Lord. God decided to send an emissary down to prove to me that I'm a total fucking moron and dipshit asshole. Here's the last of it. My parents had taught me that the only time you get in trouble in life is when you lose your perspective and stop doing things for the right reasons. That is not a good advice.

That's not true. That is literally the only time you ever get in trouble. That is why that devotion for February 23rd was so important. God was sending me a clear message to not do things for personal glory or fame like run for president in an utterly failed and vanglorious attempt. It was a turning point that helped me in my future challenges, helped me stay focused on the people I was elected to serve and reminded me of God's abundant grace and the paramount need to stay humble.

All my losses are lessons, next year's the playoffs. Let's go. The motherfuckers spent the entire year of 2015 deep-throating corn dogs in Iowa. Fall out of here with that shit. That is Protestant magic, though. Just like every single thing that happens to you, nothing is embarrassing. Nothing just reveals you're a shitty person. We're incredibly confident.

It's just like, yeah, me falling ass backwards into my toilet bowl and having to be removed by the fire department. God himself was teaching me a lesson to become the best man I could be. Will, that is by far one of the worst things he subjected us to. That was a miserable seven hours we just spent on this stage. I wish he was literally devoured. Someone tell Scott Walker that there's a pre- Tell him there's a presidential primary in fucking Death Valley, please.

Here's my hope for Scott Walker. This is my hope for his end, that he's on a bus after he loses, inshallah, after he loses next month, and is kicked out of office, and he has to join the pathetic cadre of public-speaking losers with the other ex-governors and senators. He's on a plane with a bunch of them, and they crash into the Pacific, and he makes it onto a deserted island. It's just him and Chris Christie. And they're sitting there, trying to start a fire on a totally barren island, and Chris

Christie turns to Scott Walker, and all he sees is a piping tray of honey-baked ham. Ladies and gentlemen, Matthew, Stephen Avery-Christman. You know, Matt, when you talked about him getting on a plane as he leaves office, of course, all I could think about was him crashing into that fucking lake that killed Otis Redding over here. So hopefully that'll erase the one beautiful and talented person iced out by a Wisconsin lake and replace him with Scott Walker. Get back to even, folks.

Come on. Scott, I hope with your clear head and problem-solving abilities, you are thrust into a plane-oriented dispute between Saudi Arabia and the West. Let me tell Scott Walker that what Iowa caucus voters really want to see is, when it's raining out, someone who will turn their head to the sky and open their mouth. That's humility. Madison, Wisconsin, Barrymore Theater. You guys have been an awesome audience tonight.

But before we go, I just want to give two quick shout-outs. First of all, to IOTC, the Madison Stage Hands and Projectionist Union. Big shout-out to them. And of course, last but not least, if you enjoyed our introduction video, if you enjoyed the brainworms video, if you enjoyed the cue video, or generally find our show at all listenable or enjoyable, it is due entirely to the efforts of the good man behind the ones and twos, our producer, Chris Wade. Let's give him a round of applause.

That's a boy. The maestro. Madison, Wisconsin, Barrymore Theater. On behalf of myself, Will Minnaker, Virgil Texas, Felix Peterman, Amber Frost, and Matt Christman. We are Chapeau Trap House. Thank you so much, guys. Good night.

Oh, and we will be signing books out there if you just give us 10 minutes or so. Hope to see you then. Madison. Who are tied one to one to the fifth? Madison, good night. So here's another one about Wisconsin. This is about a little cannibal from down the road. Dommer's dead, dommer's dead, a broomstick bass up side his head, dommer's dead, dommer's

dead, a broomstick bass from side his head, side his head up, side his head, bloody broomstick dommer is dead, am I supposed to feel alright, am I supposed to feel sorrow, death-free, dommer has no bright tomorrow, dommer's dead, dommer's dead, a broomstick bass up side his head, dommer's dead, dommer's dead, bloody broomstick dommer is dead, long live the broomstick bass up side his head, long live the broomstick, dommer's dead.