Chapo Trap House - Bonus: Tabletop Game Theory Origins: Mr. Jeffstein's House (9/30/19)

Episode Date: October 1, 2019

Our play of Call of Cthulhu live at Columbus Theater in Providence, R.I. August 23rd, 2019.

On this week's Tale of Mayhem in Michigan, the Cabo boys meet an un-neighbor with unconventional desires. Will our heroes' house call turn up the cure to this mystery? Or will they be borrowing a cup of abomination? Find out on this week's episode of Chapeau Trap House! Semper games. The following is canon. For those of you who don't know, I'm Virgil Texas and we are Chapeau Trap House. Most of the time we are your everyday run-of-the-mill arts and entertainment podcast. But once in a blue moon, we delve into the occult, indulging in a session of the tabletop role-playing game Call of Cthulhu based on the works of HP Lovecraft. And, like HP Lovecraft, Matt, Will, and Felix here role-play as 1920s investigators who are incurably racist neurotics. Over the course of their adventures, they matched wits with the immortal hermeticist Johann Podesta at the summoning of the pizza gate.

They foiled the mad monk Rasputin and his eldritch allies infiltrating American elections. And they scuttled industrialist Enoch Musk's rocket in Musks of Nair Lathotep. Tonight's scenario is a prequel to the events of tabletop game theory episodes one through six, and I did not write this scenario. Mr. Corbett was authored by Michael DeWolf and published in 1990 by Chaosium in the excellent collection Mansions of Madness. I have merely made a handful of alterations to the scenario to reflect the ethos of our program. It must be stated that absolutely, positively nothing in this scenario is based on real events or real people. With that in mind, let's play Mr. Jeffstein. Chris, can I get some talky music?

It is November 9th, 1924. Calvin Coolidge has just won election to a full-term as president, beating centrist Democrat John W. Davis. For just a few months now, the three of you have been hosting a radio show. Originally started as a lark by three pals who met on the telegram, Capone Speakeasy has found a loyal following among disaffected members of the lost generation who are sick of being smeared as misogynists for their support of fightin' Bob Lafellette. Now would be a good time to introduce your characters and describe your day jobs. I am Professor William Hackenbush, a Latinum-besotted failed academic who of course attended Miskatonic University in where I studied the esoteric science of phrenology and many other sort of lost mystical occult sciences. Couldn't get a job after I graduated, so I am still working at a book depository.

As the show begins to take off, we have just begun our Nicola Month subscription advertised in the back of Collier's Magazine. But unfortunately I am still living in a shack in Red Hook, Brooklyn, where I commute to work in Midtown Manhattan at the book depository by Zeppelin every single day. I am Lieutenant Colonel Felix Comtree. At the time of this scenario, I am in an act of duty as a liar in the U.S. military. I have a, like, below average to average IQ, but I'll just say anything to get out of anything. And I invented white wrap. Can you explain your outfit?

This is all historically accurate. I invented everything I'm wearing right now. You may think this IDF t-shirt, this Patriots' flap rim, these gym shorts. You may think they didn't exist in 1924, and that's why you're in the fucking audience and I'm playing. I invented these when I fought in the Great War as the only samurai, as a member of the U.S. Expeditionary Forces. I thought, what would make me more aerodynamic? We're also showing support for what I would hope would be a great team many years after my death in the future. America's team, Brady Baby.

Let's do this. I am Dr. Matthew Pennyfarthing. I actually do not live currently in Red Hook. I still live in Kansas, where I am a goat testicle specialist at Dr. John Brinkley's facility. And I communicate to the show via radiola and by telegraph. An early episode became notorious for a telegram where I sent saying, shut up, stop, shut up, stop, shut up, stop, shut the fuck up, stop. I'm sorry I'll be quiet, stop.

But other than that, this is basically a hobby because I am a well-renumerated surgeon and very well-respected in my community. And there is absolutely zero chance that I'm going to get torqued on ether and replace some farmers' testicles with bocce balls. That will never happen. One last detail here, if you'll just allow me one second. Just getting character here. You may have noticed that I brought a friend on stage here tonight. This is a tribute to author H.P. Lovecraft's famous cat. Do not ask me the name of the cat.

We will not be discussing the name of the cat. But just know that he joins us here tonight. And although none of you have interacted with mythos before, you do have some phobias and manias. Oh, I mean, largely my entire career as a phrenologist and a cult expert is driven by a deep-seated psychosexual obsession with my sister. And also my fear of modernist art. Yeah, for me, many people have alleged that I'm addicted to drugs, but they themselves are intact real drug addicts, not me. Like every red-blooded white Anglo-Saxon Protestant male, I am addicted to ether and women's shoes. Very good.

It is an unusually hot November in Brooklyn, the tail end of an Indian summer. You have just finished an interview with young Dorothy Parker for her New Yorker piece, What Will Become of the Ethnic Left. You decide to beat the autumn heat by taking in a film, the latest installment of your favorite action movie franchise, Man Washing a Horse 7, Infinity Horses, part of the Cats and Jammer Kids Extended Cinematic Universe. Let's see it. © BF-WATCH TV 2021 Oh, wait for the post-credits sequence. Thank you to director C.M. Wade. I fucking hate those movies so much, man.

You see the agenda in there. The only guy warning about the horse catastrophe was Irish. I wonder who's fucking pushing that agenda. There honestly hasn't been a good movie since 1919, The Gay Picnic. That was the last one. I fucking hate the Cats and Jammer kids extended cinematic universe. All these Nickelodeons they keep putting out every single week. Just more slopped to be lapped up and like, you know, we're the only radio show

that will tell you that it sucks. True artists like Buster Keaton and Fatty Arbuckle, Sherlock Jr. go unnoticed or, you know, this is bad, this is problematic, you know, Buster Keaton did with that ladder. And, you know, like, if you want people to tell you how good, you know, washing horses number seven is, you should tune into like, I guess, like the bigger radio shows, like the Cuckoo Hour or the Champion Spark Plug Hour. If you want to hear those fucking Jonathan's lie to you, go for it.

You guys are a bunch of snobs. This is great popular entertainment. You guys only like movies if it involves Frenchmen trying to murder the moon. Yeah, that's why we go to the movies is like, it's spectacle. You know, if I was to invent film theory now in 1924, I would include that. Unfortunately, though, I just feel like I still go to see all of them because, you know, the clip at the end of the cats fighting each other, I want to see how that plays out.

It is early evening now and you have to record an episode. You assemble at Professor Hackenbush's cat-filled home. You set up your recording equipment. Let's hear it. Okay, uh, I guess Calvin Coolidge is the president. We warned you it would happen. Yeah, welcome to Perdition Earth. We warned you it would happen and all we were called was a bunch of Lafellette lads,

but what the fuck? I mean, this is it. We're living the Coolidge world now. Yeah, we've all got Coolidge brain. We're all just tall as shit, not saying anything. Fuck. Like, all this entire election, all you told us Lafellette supporters was like, oh, you're acting Portuguese.

The fucking world is Portuguese now. Hope you're fucking happy. Okay, I guess it's time for this week's reading series. I will be going into the Collier's Magazine, where you can do with flower article, counting down the top 12 things you can do with flower. More of this bullshit. I fucking hate reading this, dude. I hate waking up every day like, oh, what is the elite media going to tell me what kind of cake I can bake?

I fucking hate this, man. Sucks. Like, I may be like tempting fate here, but sometimes I just wish that like an eternal evil, and maybe like two thirds of us go insane fighting it, instead of reading another fucking bullshit article from Collier's. It is good to have Dr. Penny Farthing in person. So, you know, I don't have to read over the ticker tape, his interjections about the things to do with flower. Yeah, I can't wait to hear, be able to react right now to the absurd and idiotic things that you're supposed to do with flower.

The fuck, I mean, forget this flower shit. Yeah, fuck this. Davis? I mean, come on. How did that guy lose? Just presidential candidate Jim Davis. What the fuck was he doing? I may not be John W. Davis, but I lost the election. That's the voice that he has, the Democratic Party voice. The guy spent his entire campaign drawing comically fat cats, instead of actually trying to connect to the American electorate.

Felix, as Dr. Penny Farthing goes off on one of his classic rants, you widely look out the window and see Will's neighbor park his automobile in front of his house across the street. He exits the car and pops open the trunk, taking out two canvas-wrapped objects. One is small and round, the other approximately the size of a baseball bat. Carrying these to the front door, he holds them both under one arm as he struggles with the lock. It's very funny watching a man fail, and that's why you watch this. I would like to put these into some sort of failure compilation one day. The larger package slides loose and falls to the front porch.

The canvas folds fall open and you catch a glimpse of something white and cylindrical. We have a kinetic situation outdoors, gentlemen. There is a man very, uh, crowdishly meandering around the driveway perimeter, visually absertaining an obfuscation of the kinetic parameter, and we are at zero target, 3,800 hours. Wait, wait, wait. Is this asshole neighbor trying to smuggle in an Ionic or Doric column into the neighborhood and fucking tank the property prices around here? I don't pay $4 a month in rent to look at a Corinthian column outside of my window every day.

Everyone make a spot hidden roll. Fail. Oh, wait, no, I passed. Good clutch, good clutch. You failed, Felix. Not my best roll. He's just warming up. The three of you staring at Will's neighbor.

Only Will can discern in the dim light exactly what the object is. It appears to be the hand and fingers of a small child. Will make a sanity roll. Uh-oh. So it begins. Okay, uh, ooh, fail. Lose 1d3 points of sanity. We were all depending on you to clutch.

Ugh, four. Wow. Ouch. Will's neighbor already. Will's neighbor glances around and quickly wraps the hand up. He unlocks the door and disappears into the tightly shuttered house. A moment later, light appears in a basement window, quickly blunted by hastily drawn shade. Should we go check this out?

I mean, honestly, I'm kind of sick of recording our radio show. I mean, we've already done three hours, and I don't think I can do another six. Yeah, there's no way. Like, I mean, just, we can just like do some racist skits later. Let's, I don't know what the fuck that guy was doing. Maybe he was just like doing the normal thing of leaving your kid in a normal temperature car.

But it could also be like, you know, he could be a Zimmerman sleeper agent, so we should investigate. Will, you have a passing familiarity with your neighbor. He's a local businessman by the name of Ephraim Jeffstein. And to you, he's always seemed to be a quiet, inoffensive and normal man. I mean, as a professor, I've always noticed that, you know,

he took a very intense interest in the sciences of phrenology, being cold, and bringing the dead back to life. He is, his only oddity is a touch of absent-mindedness. He lives in a large, well-kept estate across the street from you, and you have a nodding relationship with him. He is one of the more respected and prominent businessmen in the area, appears to know local politicians, Fred Trump, and people like that.

Steven Pinker, allegedly? You're... He's also a gardener and occasionally comes by and gives you fruits and vegetables that are delightful from his greenhouse. Delicious. Years ago, he would often leave home for long periods of time, traveling out of the country to attend to his business,

which is an import-export of some kind. But the last few years have, I'll bet, seen him spending more and more time at home. He maintains regular hours working five days a week in his downtown office. During weekends, he usually stays at home quietly, but he regularly goes out in the late afternoon on Sunday, usually returning home before dark.

This is one of those trips. I hope I don't have to catch the 430 garbage barge back in Manhattan. So, yeah, I mean, I... Why don't I go across the street, knock on his door? You want me to roll with? Yeah, yeah, we're rolling deep. I'm bringing the whole squad.

That's a big house. You have no idea how many people you could have in there. He could be playing with a full party, we don't know. I mean, if he's having a party, maybe we could attend it. That is one kinetic scenario I would like to ascertain. Let's do it. Okay, sure. You march across the street,

head over to Mr. Jeffstein's front door. Everyone make a listen roll. Fail. Fail. All right, where's my listen stat? All right, not a pass yet, but warming up, we're getting closer. All's well.

All's well. Now, smooth sailing. Well, I mean, I got to say, I implicitly mistrust of this guy, but he seems to be having like an incredibly regular time this evening. I mean, from what I can tell, he was just taking a ventriloquist dummy out of the back of his Model T and bringing him inside probably to entertain his guests with a very realistic ventriloquist dummy.

I mean, he's rich, he can afford a good one. A few other notes about Mr. Jeffstein. 14 years ago, his father died and he took over control of the family company, Jeffstein Importers of America. He was once married, but he's presently a widower, lives alone. He's a lonely old man, basically. He knock on the door.

You hear footsteps, about a minute later, he opens. Oh, Professor, how are you? Hello, Mr. Jeffstein. It's your next door neighbor, Professor Hackenbush. How's it going? Oh, quite well. Is there anything I can do for you? Uh, you know, we were just across the street watching you like we normally do.

I mean, we were just doing some people watching, you know, you know how it is. Why are you watching me? Well, you know, we're hanging with my friends here. I got you, I got this. Television hasn't been invented yet. I feel like I'm gonna look out the window. I feel like we got off on the wrong foot. I'm, sir, I served in the military every branch, not just this country.

I'm just making sure this neighborhood's safe. Like, there's a lot of gang activity here and you're a very prominent businessman and, uh, yeah, I just wouldn't want them to do the knockout game to you. I've noticed a preponderance of Italians in this area. Yeah, yeah, they are pondering their fucking dicks off over here. Oh, well, all is well here. Thank you for checking in, Your Honor. You're welcome, Your Majesty.

Oh, what are you doing? I mean, what's up? Are you up, are you up to anything? I mean, you want to hang out? Yeah, I got, I got, I got some pretty good ether here. I got a full pint bottle. Oh, I was in a brand new rag. Yeah, I have a new song.

Would you like some louden up? I will note that rampant drug use is not a normal socially acceptable thing in this era. So he's taken aback by your suggestions and says, oh, no, I'm a bit tired and I must go to work tomorrow. But perhaps another time. Could you show us, I mean, you know, just couldn't help but noticing again, doing, doing my people watching, doing my radio program, looking out the window, checking out people on the street.

I couldn't help but noticing the incredibly realistic ventriloquist dummy that you took out of the back of your car. I was wondering if maybe you could like regale us with some, you know, a sleight of hand or close, close magic or just sleight of mouth more like. I don't know what you're talking about. I'm not a performer. I'm a businessman. You still want to hang out?

All right. All right. I'm going to, I'm going to try to fast talk him. All right. So, um, I was actually best friends with General Blackjack Berging. And he said I was the greatest soldier he ever met. And that I should replace all his sons. And, uh, there's this thing called the war bounty in, uh, just the military.

That if you kill the Kaiser or make him run away like the little pussy he is, you get to take his, the jewels of the German royal family or whatever. Anyway, because Berging liked me so much, he gave me one of the biggest rubies and I would like to invest it. And you seem like a guy who's getting kind of Hanukkah with it. So, you want to get this bread? I'm about to have a fucking bonus army. You want to get this unleavened bread?

Yeah. What's up, brother? Make a fast talk roll. Uh, what is my fast talking? Yeah, pass. Fuck yeah, I fucking told you. Yes. He's impressed by what you're saying, but says,

uh, that all sounds very good with the rubies and what have you. I tell you what, uh, perhaps next weekend you could come by and I could give you a tour of my greenhouse. Hey, brother, I'll be there with bells on. Let's do it. Very good. Well, uh, have a good night then. Semper Fi, buddy.

He shuts the door. Wait, I've got the latest Al Jolson record. He shuts the door. It's got Swani and Bang Bang Rider Blues on the B side. You want to listen? He shuts the door. No. This guy sucks.

Well, you're just there harassing him. You just, you asked him for you. We're offering him an incredibly good time and he's just not interested. I wanted to know if he wanted to fucking get smacked up and listened to Mamie by Al Jolson. He doesn't want to get high and show you his child zoo. We're going to play this strategically. Gentlemen, we might have to become clandestine if we're going to go.

Okay. I think, all right. No, we got to wait until next weekend. Uh, it's simple. Like I have to steal a huge ruby and say it's mine. And then we go to his fucking greenhouse and like figure out what kind of shit he's doing. We could get some glass and paint it red. I love that idea.

I like that as like a team building exercise. Like one of us can hold the piece of glass. One of us can paint it. The other can direct it. That's a fun idea. I think though we should take the time in the, in the intervening period before our greenhouse started. Maybe, I don't know, go to the, can we go to the library or do any research? You can always go to the library.

To the book depository. The library is free. Sure. You guys are fucking nerds. What lines of investigation do you want to pursue? How about let's look into his import-export company or is there, can we look into any family history or records or anything like that? I will say make, each of you make a library use role.

Yeah, pass. Pass. Alright. You know what I always say, some people have read a thousand fucking books but haven't lived the pages of a single one. And that's the type of guy I am. So I failed. You turn up several stories of interest. Here's the first one.

Dated 14 years ago, local businessman killed an accident. It was learned today that Theodore Jeffstein, owner of Jeffstein Enterprises of America is dead, victim of a tragic accident while vacationing in the Virgin Islands. Jeffstein, while in the company of his son Ephraim, died in a fall while the two were traveling through the high mountains of the Virgin Islands. It would have been so easy to just make it a fall off a yacht. According to authorities, the two men were on a hiking trip. They were set upon by a group of bandits known to freak with the area. While being pursued down the mountainside, the elder Jeffstein apparently lost his footing and fell to his death.

His son managed to escape, eventually making it to safety. The elder Jeffstein's body has not yet been located and authorities fear that it may be lost, possibly consumed by the wild dogs that roamed the mountainside of the Virgin Islands. Theodore Jeffstein is survived by his wife Elaine and one son Ephraim. At this time, it is not known if Ephraim will take over the management of Jeffstein Enterprises. The other piece, two articles dated 12 years ago, Obituaries Jeffstein, Lynn Ann Myers, aged 22, died in childbirth in her home.

A graduate of the Peer Pot School, Mrs. Jeffstein was married to local businessman Ephraim Jeffstein. Two years ago, funeral services for both mother and child will be held Saturday afternoon. Mrs. Jeffstein is survived by her parents, Edward and Shirley Myers, and her husband, Ephraim Jeffstein, president of Jeffstein Enterprises of America. Second article, Nurse Hospitalized After Accident in Patient's Home Professional nurse, Miss Mona Dunlap, was admitted to Central Sanitarium yesterday following an accident that took place in a patient's home. Her condition was diagnosed as serious.

Miss Dunlap, hired by Mr. and Mrs. Jeffstein to help with Mrs. Jeffstein's confinement, apparently suffered a stroke while attempting to deliver the Jeffstein's baby unassisted. Mr. Jeffstein returned from his office Wednesday afternoon to find Nurse Dunlap unconscious, and his wife and infant son dead due to complications of birth. Doctors at the sanitarium say the woman has yet to regain consciousness, and it may be some time before the full extent of her injuries are known. Bro, this guy has endured so much loss and tragedy, we should help him. It's a bit sad, don't you think?

Yeah, it's crazy. People just, they're there, then they're not. Life goes on until it doesn't. You think someone is totally safe and just going to be with you forever? Then one day you wake up at 2 p.m. and you log on Twitter, and you find out, you log on the telegraph and you find out that he's dead. Alright, what should we do? I mean, I'm glad we did the research here,

but I'm not quite sure what to do with this or how it can help us. Well, my suggestion is always break into someone's house. And this seems like a perfect chance to break into someone's house. Do we really need to break into him when he's invited us to come over? Yeah, like in a week. We don't know what's going on in there now. You could be creating Frankensteins. We need to get in there and find out what's going on.

It's the 20s, how hard is it to break into a house? Matt, I don't know. They got that lap? They got that little eye hook? That's the most advanced lock technology that exists? There's no factor security. There's no DNA testing or anything. If you get caught for killing someone, you're just an idiot.

You could go to one town that's three miles away and say, oh, I'm not that guy, I'm a different guy. There's no IDs or anything. No one would ever be able to know. Yeah, why do we do a radio show? Why don't we just lie about being lawyers or something? So stupid. Dr. Penny Farthing, I know this is your first time in the big city,

but I assure you, you cannot just waltz into someone's house like it's a barn. All right, well, what's your idea? Just wait until he invites us over, just hang out for a week? No, I mean, we've done a lot of work today. I lied to that guy. You guys read some articles. Already read some articles before that. Let's do what we do for a week, whatever the thing is we do,

just pass out from using ether, and then I'll lie to that guy in his greenhouse and we're fucking rolling. Maybe in that intervening time, you'll learn how to use a library. I will say... I don't need to. I know how to use the world. I will say that both of your approaches are totally valid for this scenario.

If you find yourself at an impasse, you could perhaps both roll your debate convincing skills. You guys are about to get fucked on. What would that be exactly? What do you have on there that would be good at using logic to win an argument? Fast talk. No, fast talk is bullshitting someone to get out of something. That's how you win an argument.

Persuade. Persuade. It would be persuade. Persuade sounds good then. The debate here is whether we should just hang out. Whether you should just go in that. I would like to hang out for a week, sitting in front of my fireplace pouring over leatherbound volumes and looking at lithographs of my sister. Like I always do.

I want to get in shape for this. I want to throw a big heavy ball at another guy in a turtleneck and he throws it at me. I want to get a good pump for this shit. I will say will and mad both roll your persuade. I should roll and have a higher persuade than you. Oh wait, Felix, roll your persuade. Oh god damn it, it was so close.

Pass, pussy. The consensus of the group is that it's more sobered weights. Alright, losers. Alright, we can fast travel this though. You guys are watching me just pick up triangular weights. You're amazed at how strong I am. 50 pounds the most a man has ever lifted. Holy shit.

Your fucking under armor turtleneck looks so dope on you. Your lifting overalls are sick. I'm not lifting anything but I am standing in one of those belt contraptions. Well, it melts the pounds away. I don't even have to do anything. It's amazing. Dude, your cardio is nuts. Dr. Penny Farthing adjusts his zeppelin tickets

to stay another week here in New York City. Let's go see Sherlock Jr. another three times. Alright, that's so sick in Sherlock Jr. when he's like, yes, dear Watson, I'm thinking that I am back. What's the problem? You don't like that? Fuck you. In the days that transpire, a march is assembled

to say that we will resist Calvin Coolidge, not another teapot dome. And then it's bright and early in Saturday morning. You're all crashing at Williams Place. And Mr. Jeffstein knocks on the door. He's carrying a basket full of fruits and vegetables. He says, oh, are you ready for the tour, gentlemen? Absolutely, Mr. Jeffstein.

I've been waiting for this all week long. He hands you the basket. Thank you for these gourds. What do you do with the basket? Just put it in my living room, put it in my sort of a conversation piece. Well, it's edible food. Obviously, I don't have an appetite because I'm completely dope to the gills. So I'll refrain from eating one of these almost certainly poisoned or cursed produce.

Sure, you put it down on your table and he leads you across the street to the extensive grounds of his home. He leads you around the back. Beautiful temple you have here, Mr. Jeffstein. It's a normal house. That's not it. Looks like. But in the 1920s, that was a normal house. Does every house look like that?

I'm saying the vibe is different. It has a normal house vibe. It's an old man house vibe. Just like that picture. Can't wait for the tour. Thank you, Mr. Jeffstein. You know, it's good when neighbors can, you know, be more than neighbors. Almost like they benefit you.

They have benefits. He leads you to the back of the grounds. There are two things of interest here. We have a huge branch and a greenhouse. Oh man, you said vegetable and that key hidden that that cord got struck. I don't like thinking about vegetables. I didn't strike the cord. Well, it's just it's given.

There are no more normal house vibes here. Vegetable garden greenhouse. He takes you to the greenhouse with it. In there. Very normal greenhouse. Oh, these zucchini are out of season. It's not zucchini or really any plants that you recognize except orchids. The rest of the plants are exotic from parts unknown.

You've never seen anything like it. None of you have any botany skill, right? Anything involving the natural world that would help you identify plants. I mean, you get 10, that's it. That is base, I think. You had biology, I think. I have biology, but that doesn't seem like the same thing. I have a phrenology.

My education is 80 for some reason. You lied. You lied to your own fucking skill sheet. That's what learning is. You lie until you know something. I have very high occult stats. No occult. Matt, roll your biology. Oh, fails.

I'm a dumbass. I'm just a simple country. No, I'm just a simple country. I'm just a simple country testicle doctor. We're just wandering around not recognizing anything we're seeing. Jeffstein takes you around the greenhouse. He explains to you, these plants are very delicate. They're sensitive to the slightest change in the environment.

It's very hot in there, and it's jungly. It's a jungly greenhouse experience. Oh, this picture, great. A delicate orchid, just like my sister. Anything you want to do in there? Can I take a pocket one of the plants, take a sample? Can I chew on one of them? See if I get high or something.

Do I have my gun on me? Oh, no, we're all armed, obviously. There is one plant. It has large orange and blue leaves. Very appealing to look at. Can I eat it? And you want to pocket it. I'd like to just take a sample.

I would say that doing this would require Mr. Jeffstein to not be observing you, because presumably he would not want that to be the case. So, Felix? Yeah, I'll distract him. I'll start talking about my finances. Colonel's country? Yeah. Okay, you know what to do.

Okay, so he's like showing you a leaf. Oh, Lieutenant Colonel, isn't this the most gorgeous leaf? I've actually seen better ones, but this one's pretty nice. You know, I really appreciate this tour of your, like, just normal ass house. Just fucking nothing weird about it. The regular greenhouse that everyone likes to have. But I was wondering if we could talk about, you know, my investment profile, perhaps. Investment, yes.

Ruby, I told you about. Oh, business, yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, the thing is, like, I was also trained as a Janissary. And Janissaries cannot own property in the Ottoman Empire, but it doesn't exist anymore, as you know. Yes. But I have...

Thanks to you. Thanks to you. Hero. Hero. Yeah, and people still fucking spit on us when we come home in the Zeppelin. As soon as I got off the Zeppelin of the Empire State Building, Steeple, they spit on me. Admiral, what does this have to do with business? Nothing.

Nothing. I just get emotional. I think we still have guys over there, but... But, you know, irregardless, like, I do have... I do now have, like, several optionable investment properties in the British Mandate of Palestine. That's where I got this shirt. And I also, you know, the aforementioned giant Ruby from the Kaiser who ran like a pussy because of me.

And Felix, make a fast talk roll. Oh, God. What the fuck is happening today? 81 over 70, shit. Fuck my ass. He says to you, I don't see any import opportunities there. And as you know, I import goods. What are you talking about?

Like, those are all other places. I will say that while Felix is trying this chicanery, Felix and Will attempt to pilfer and chew on the planter, or Matt and Will. Both of you will have to make a sneak roll due to Felix's failure. Do you have sneak? That's a thing on area. Nope. Nope.

Did they change sneak to something else? God damn, it's a new addition. Slate of hand? No. Roll your dexterity, then. Okay. Done. Uh, pass.

Pass. Nice work, boys. I can already taste that sweet exotic flower in my mouth. Will, uh, you pocket a few of the leaves. Matt. Does anyone here familiar with this scenario, just out of curiosity? Uh, Matt, you chew on it. Hell yes.

Oh boy. You don't even bother using the hands. Go write it for it. It's waxy. It's bitter tasting. Yes. And it stimulates your pineal gland. Now we're talking.

Allowing you to see objects outside of this reality. Hell yes. That's what I've been trying to do. You're getting kettled out right now, Matt. Yes. You are getting so kettled out. Ass awesome. Man, this shit's like the vibing 20s.

Uh, Mr. Jeffstein says, uh, you know, well, we got to cool it with a plant. So why don't we go outside and stand around the backyard? Absolutely. Absolutely. Outside is one of my favorite places. Let's go. As he takes you outside and shuts the door in the greenhouse, uh, Dr. Penny Farthing, you lose your grip on reality.

You are no longer in Brooklyn. You are no longer anywhere. Well, you are in a place, so to speak, a dark rock-shrone landscape decorated with crystalline growths, occasionally lit by flashes of rose-colored lightning. Oh shit. You are naked. Damn. Uh, Matt, could you, could you, could you?

I mean, you know, for authenticity's sake. Matt, what's your power? Uh, 40. Okay. Uh, what do you want to do here? I guess I'll just walk around nude on the beach. This is great, the free vacation to the beach, to the nude rock beach. You walk.

Just wait on the theremin by the way. Just give it up. Okay. You spent 10 minutes wandering around the crystal level. Uh, it's, I'm fairly uneventful. I mean, you're just nude, kind of vibing out and enjoying it all. Cool. It's exactly what I hope would happen when I ate that plant.

You think to yourself, God, I hope a place like Berlin is invented at some point. This reminds me of when you ate those other plants at the Calvin Coolidge Convention, and some teenage supporters of the Kaiser attacked you for liking Art Deco architecture. This is like the time you use oriental research chemicals at Ozzy Mandia's Fest. Uh, something does happen after 10 minutes. You see a scuttling spider-like form advancing across the landscape directly towards you. Oh, that's not good. Seven feet tall, emaciated looking.

The scuttling thing hungers for human blood. Uh, well, there's scuttling. Make a sanity roll. Uh, a pass. Lose one sanity. You keep it together, but it's going towards you. What do you want to do? He's used to this kind of shit.

Not yet. So I'm completely nude. I don't have my cane, I'm assuming. Uh, just me, my poor pink flesh, the scuttling spider monster. Uh, I guess I just have to run away. Uh, you also have the option to attempt to will yourself out back into normal boring. Wait a minute, that works? Shit, I never tried that before.

Well, you could try. I know you, I know you haven't. Yeah. You've never been one to cut a trip short. No, of course not. That's a waste. But if you make a hard power roll. All right.

Power? Yes. But a hard roll, meaning you have to get half your power or lower. I will not. What's your power again? 40. Yep, I passed, but it was not hard. It was soft, by the way.

Uh, you're attacked by a thing. Ah, fuck it. Uh, what do you want to do? Dodge or fight back? I'm a nude, pink, 60 year old, limping idiot. I fucking, I might as well dodge. Roll your dodge and tell me the level of success. I succeeded.

Very, very strongly. That was a two. Wait, that's a two? Yeah. Uh, oh, it fails. Ah, fuck you. You dodge out of the way of the wretched spider peeing. Hell yeah.

Uh, now it's your turn, Matt. Uh-huh. Run. Continue to run away. I can't fight this thing. It's huge. Turn your back on it. No, you should try to keep willing yourself.

All right, yeah. The hell around. All right, all right, yeah. Keep doing that. I'll try it again. I'll try to will myself out of it. Still a heart. Nope.

Fuck. Uh, listen to Curly, uh, where did Dr. Penny farther go? Oh, he's, oh, by the way, uh, for you two, Felix and Will, you see him. He's just kind of standing there smiling. You know, this is a great afternoon. I love visiting neighbors with my friends. Yeah, it's awesome. Mr. Jeffstein says, uh, is he all right?

Yeah, no, he's fine. He's just feeling himself. You're getting his feelings. Yeah, no, this, we've known this guy. I've been saying his words into a microphone when he writes his letters for like a year now. I know this guy. Sometimes your homie's just naked.

Like sometimes he's just not wearing it. Man, it attacks you again with its awful claws. Dodge. All right, I'm going for it. Oh, I failed. That's a pass of life. Two damage. Rolled a one on both dice.

Oh, brother. What? I rolled a one on both dice. Take two damage. All right, next. What's your hit? What's your HP at now? I'm at nine now.

You're at nine? Yeah. Uh, okay. Well, the awful spider thing is like chewing you up. It's awful. And what you two guys see is Dr. Penny Farthing's face become bloody and ripped up. Uh, that incurs a sanity loss for both of you, so make sanity rolls. I suppose I'll make one for Mr. Jeffstein as well.

Pass. Oh, easy pass. Yeah. Both of you lose one sanity. You're not fazed by this. You knew, you know, he was kind of a weird guy when he met him on the telegraph. Yeah. So this is just kind of something you're like, okay.

Uh, it like due to the lack of nutrition and our diets of just average normal people, I see people's faces start bleeding all the time. Yeah, it's regular. It's like, it happens. No big deal. I'm not, I'm not even sure like Korea is a place yet. And so we definitely don't have like their eel mask technology. Skin skincare is in a worst state it's ever been.

Dr. Penny Farthing, the dimensional being comes at you again right before it's about to stick you in the chest with its awful claws. You snap out of it. You're back in a human zone. You're bloody and you've still taken the damage. But you're not nude. So you got that going for you. That's good.

Worth it. Anything you want to say to your colleagues who are now mystified that you're bloody? Don't eat the fruit thingy that I just ate. Don't eat any of it. It's bad. It takes you to a bad place. But no, clearly this guy has got evil forces going on here. He's, it is not a ventriloquist on me.

He's full on evil. Dr. Penny Farthing, man, do you want some like orange slices or niacin, man? Like you're here right now, but you got to just ride it through so you're up here right now. Dr. Mr. Jeffstein says, he does a big yawn and goes, oh, what a day. We saw the greenhouse and the vegetable garden. Tour's done. Whoa, can we see the rest of your house? Can we go inside?

I'd love to take a tour. I mean, you know, I just, I'm a fan of architecture and interior design. My house is, it's kind of a mess right now. You know. I mean, have you seen my place? I mean, come on. I have seen your place, yes. I live with, I live with three dozen cats.

I mean. Yes, I've seen your, I've seen your place. Would you like, want to come hang out there? I really think I should be getting to bed. It's been a long day. I think boys, boys, it's a long, long day. I think like, look, Matt, Dr. Hackenbush, like he may have like got attacked by an interdimensional spider, but his idea of breaking into this guy's house later is

sounding better and better. Like this guy doesn't want to help veterans. Fucking asshole. I will be like writing a bad review of him on Delagraph. This asshole probably has like the little rascals and Shirley Temple in his fucking basement. We saw him unloading all the little rascals out of his car last week. And I, we need to get the bottom of this.

So I think we should ask what I've been saying. We, okay. Oh, look, I'm sorry. You had to pay an extra 30 cents to change your Zeppelin ticket back to, back to Kansas. Dr. Betty, are they still got eaten by a fucking spider monster? Okay. Well, I thought he would believe my lies. What the fuck do you want from me?

Here's what we do guys. Make a polite exit. Yeah. Wait till he goes to bed. Break into the house. That's what I've been saying. Okay. Okay.

And Mike, will I give you credit for it? No. Stop trying. He also goes to work and as you know, he tends to leave every Sunday. So those could also be good times. Oh, right. I wish every day was like a Sunday. What day is it?

It's Saturday. Okay. Easy. All right. Well, yeah. It's Saturday at the late hour of two PM. He's already put his sleeping cap on and is trying to get you to go the fuck home. Thank you so much for your tour of your extraordinary greenhouse, Mr. Jeffstein.

Yes. Thank you. It was all very normal. Please, I would love to host you in my reading room anytime you want. Yeah, let's make it happen. Thanks again for the vegetables. We'll talk about when. Yeah.

Thanks again for the vegetables. But now I've got to go to bed like an old widower does. Yeah. Only old man who's normal. Can I tuck you in? No. No, no, no. Do you want me to like carry the candle for you?

No. Oh, no. All right. I mean, you know, don't come crying to me when you burn your shit down, but. Please enjoy your gifts. Oh, no, for sure. I cannot wait to eat the regular ass shit you brought us. All right.

He goes back in the house and he goes to bed. Now what? We, uh, let's, you know, camp out at my place. Look at some lithographs. Do we? So we have like that basket of fruit that he gave us. Um, do we know anyone who knows anything about biology at all? Like, do we have any, any like, uh, success flappers who listen to the show?

Maybe like, you know, they're scientists somewhere. Do you? Yeah. Uh, everyone, uh, make a spot hidden rule. Fail. Fail. Oh, I rolled them all on. I got excited.

Big success incoming. That is one of the worst ones I've ever rolled. Uh, the fruit is normal. It's normal fruit. All is well. That's what that role was, uh, trying to establish that it's normal, good fruit to consume. And you see nothing unusual about the fruit. I mean, we should probably give it to your cats then.

You got so many of them. Fail. Fail. Fail. Fail. Fail. All right. So here we are.

Uh, you know, let's call it a day. Wait for tomorrow. Wait till he goes to work. Break into this asshole's house. I mean, dude, he didn't even let me tuck him in. Fuck this guy. Yeah, he's an asshole. I'm breaking into his house.

We're going, we're going sicko mode. Uh, that's the plan. You're doing it Sunday. Sunday. Yeah. Sunday. Sunday. Sunday.

Break into Jeffstein's house. House. House. Free the little rascals. Rascals. Rascals. Great. Let's do that after the intermission.

Can we get another, can we get another six pack on the stage, please? Of beers. Can we hear some old timey Charleston music as we walk off? Bump that shit. Bump that shit. Uh, uh, uh. Ten minutes. Ten minutes.

Ten minutes. All right, boys. You're welcome. You also gave him a promotion. It's Saturday night and you have a plan now to go investigate the house, uh, Sunday evening. But before then you've got to record another fucking episode of your fucking show. So, we have, I mean, I know it, it sucks. We have a responsibility when you have literally tens of listeners.

Uh, they, you know, there are expectations. So, look, I'm going to be honest with you guys. Didn't really prepare. There's nothing in Collier's magazine this week that's funny enough to do. Yeah. I got to say the flower recipes were pretty good. There's nothing to make fun of there. Yeah.

No, honestly, they gave me some good ideas. Like just eating flower out of the bag. Yeah. Okay. So we did just see, uh, we did just see another horse picture. So let's just phone it in and do another, uh, cinema episode. Alright. Man watching a horse eight.

Man what? Yeah. Age of infinity. Age of. Man watching a horse eight. Age of calamity. So, let's. All I want to be is Al Capone.

Alright. Man watching horses eight. Man watching horse eight. Age of calamity. Let's go. Alright. There's this guy called Barry Charleston on this absolute piece of shit and I'm going to start off.

I'm going to start off. Okay. I got to speak on this guy. There's this corpulent rap scallion who reviews films under the pen name of the cinema all of his own thoroughly shallow and inadequate politics onto the horse movies. He loves the horses, wants to be a horse, and it's just like, I don't care how much you like these movies, Lillian Gish is not going to fucking write you a fan letter, okay? She's not going to see this, bro.

Lillian Gish is not walking through that door, okay? This asshole, he loves the horse movies, but has the fucking, has the temerity, that's unmitigated gall to look down his nose on real artists like D.W. Griffith and say that their movies are, oh, his movies are problematic, they reflect bad views about racial politics in America, fuck off, dude. By the way, did you notice how fucking fat Teddy Roosevelt has gotten these movies? Yeah, he is getting picked. In his earlier films, like the Rough Rider trilogy, in this management, I mean, dude,

the guy was cut. He was jacked for shit. And, you know, when he films those action sequences, like, you believe it, but he's gotten so lazy now, he's just sitting in a, like, you know, he's just on a settee, basically, pretending to fight. Yeah, you can see the guys with two by fours jostling him, he isn't even moving anymore. Also, I don't want to be that guy, but it kind of felt like a pandering that they brought in a female horse.

Yeah. Yeah. It feels like they're just trying to go for those, you know, the, you know, the Jane Adams types, you know what I'm talking about. Yeah. And you notice, like, also, like, the big thing about the stable hands, like, all Irish, so the Liberals at Wajah's movie can feel good about themselves, because they also have Irish stable hands.

And it's just, like, more, more just horseshit, no pun intended. But, like, also, like, I'm sorry, the way that the guy's news boy cap blew off from the hose was completely unrealistic. That is not the kinetic trajectory it would take. That is fucking bullshit. You know, it redounds to Dr. Penny Farthing's pet theory that we are in an era of extra normalization. I mean, look, the horse-washing movies, pure, unmitigated liberalism, and it makes me wonder

that if, like, at some point in the future, there might be some sort of new form of liberalism that we all have to live and suffer under, that would suck. I pray it never happens, but, you know, yeah, oh, oh, they added a filly. They added a filly in Horse Wars 8, and it's just, like, pandering to the flappers, okay? Totally pandering to the flappers. Yeah, imagine these fucking pigs going up to the bonus army, of which I was a part of and also helped disperse, and being, like, you know, oh, sorry that you don't have any money, but there's a girl horse now, fuck you, dude.

You got a girl horse. Yeah, you have fillies in cinema now. Hope you're happy. Calvin Coolidge is still fucking president. You get it out of the way. You record the damn episode. You spend the rest of the night looking at lurid daguerreotypes with your fellas. You know.

I love it. I love it. I just comically bulge out of my head at the end of their stalks. I'd like to get around each other and explode. Yeah, I have an extensive art collection of women pulling up their, like, you know, floor length dresses to show a bit of ankle. Yeah. Causing my tongue to roll out of my face all the way down to the end of the road and

then roll back into my mouth. It's Sunday. Woo! I'm trying to get my shit-sonked by a girl in a seashell-shaped hat. It's Sunday, mid-afternoon now, and like clockwork, Mr. Jeffstein leaves his house in his automobile, reading from the scenario that I definitely read and prepared before doing this, like any good keeper. Eventually, the investigator should get to peeking around the house itself.

Good idea, that I had literally an hour and a half ago. Okay. Well, you know, I mean, you wouldn't have fucking gone to the spider realm were it not for... Yeah. Oh, yeah. That was great. All right.

Well, we learned, like, all types of shit he's planning there. Granted, like, none of us know anything about botany, but, like, if we did, it would have been a really valuable trip. I actually... yeah, no, I... oh, fuck. Yeah, no botany. I exhorted God. There was... this was written in 1990, multiple editions of this game before, but there's no edition of this game where any fucking investigator was like, I'm gonna put 80 points

in botany. All right, boys, you know the plan? Let's do some cat burglain. When nearing the house, you hear the crash of breaking glass and the rattle of furniture coming from the front basement window. Now what? Let's take a look in the basement window. What do you think, guys?

Yeah, let's go down there. You see something vaguely man-like flash into view for a split second before jumping into the shadows. Dude, that's... It seems as though they're a burglar as a foot. I... whatever that was, it was vaguely man-like, and I just... you know, there's something going on. Well, I mean, okay, so like the basement's probably being burglarized.

That means, you know, ground floor, attic, second floor, open for more burglary. Can we try to go in the front door, or should we go and try to go through the basement window, or what do you think? Up to you guys. What do you think, guys? I mean, you're a tactics guy, Felix. Right, all right. So like, one thing that Blackjack Pershing told me is that every house starts with a

basement and ends with an attic. So also, one thing he always told his forces, you know, together you are weak, but divided you are strong. So like, you know, I've clearly like put in the hours throwing the medicine ball. I think I should climb to the attic, and you guys... There's no attic. What a shitty house. Fuck.

Fuck. All right. Your big choices now are to bust into the basement in order to catch this burglar or whatever you think it is. I think we should... Or try to jimmy the lock in the front door. All right. Well, I think...

I don't like that this guy ripped us off. I think we should figure out what his game is. Let's go to the basement. Yeah. Just bust in that basement. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The basement boys, let's do this. Felix, what's your strength?

Really high. 70. Okay. Roll it. Tell me the level of success. All right. I better not fucking choke this one. It's been a bad night of...

You need a normal level of success to break it. Easy. 42. Nice. Yeah. You bust the basement window through if you can crawl in. All right. You go first.

We will follow right behind. All right. I'm crawling in. Basement. Gang, gang, gang, gang shit, gang shit. All right, I'm crawling. You're in... You all crawl in.

You're in a laboratory filled with various chemicals, sword and jars. Damn, I thought this was a root cellar. What's up? Oh, numerous beakers, retorts, mortars and pestles and balances, several dried plant specimens litter the table. On the other side of the room can be found scalpels, catgut needles, rib spreaders, clamps, other implements, all stored in a large metal cabinet. You know, this guy is smart as hell.

He has so much science shit. I bet when he watches derogatypes, he like does it through a fucking microscope. But the immediate thing that you see is the only word for it is a thing, a thing made from discarded parts of humans. It consists of a woman's head with two arms sprouting from where there would normally be ears and a single human leg attached to the neck. Make sanity rolls. All right.

Leg much. Fail. Fail. Hard pass. Hard pass. Hard pass. Hard pass. Felix lose one sanity, the other two lose one d6 sanity.

Fort fail. Oh boy, that's six. I lost six sanity. I'm losing four sanity points here. It looks like you guys are about to become Republicans. Matt, make a intelligent roll. Where'd my guys go? A pen fails.

Oh no. That's good. Oh yay, I'm too stupid to be scared. Exactly. I would say if you had passed that and realized the profundity of what you've seen, you would have had a bout of madness and because of your mania for women's shoes might have gotten a little heated about. Thank God I'm too fucking stupid.

Instead, you're just like normal scared. Now what, immediately, how do you react to this horrible? Well, maybe it's not horrible. I don't know. It's a subjective judgment. I know normally ladies' gams don't grow out of their head, but it's not bad. What's your immediate response, like one second response? I go, I go, I go, I go.

You would will or spook. Felix, you're the only one who kind of keeps his wits about him. All right, I'm immediately lying to myself and telling myself I've seen this before. And it succeeds clearly. I only lost one sanity point. If you can only lose one sanity point for every lie you tell every day, you're fine. So all right, I'm going to try to get my, get the games wits back together because these guys are crackers.

I'm going to like throw out a cool one-liner, okay? Gentlemen, I believe she's fallen head over heels. And I actually, I learned how to do that. I learned how to do that when I was the first James Bond in 1970. While you're doing that, the thing goes up the stairs and it's, it's, hate to see you leave, but I love to watch it go. The actual locomotion of it is just a one foot hopping up each stair. Well, that's just like bad design.

And it kicks against the basement door leading to the first floor of the bill house, but doesn't manage to kick it down. Now what? I'll always open the door for a lady. All right, so both of you are like, you know, you're teetering on insane, but do you think we should, I don't really think that thing can like tell us anything. Can it, do we know if it can talk? We don't know, right?

So we could talk to it. It's a foot. Right. It's a fucking foot. Yeah. Um, a foot cannot tell a thousand tales. So I think we should sort of like let, let her do her thing and, uh, just poke around here.

It kicks the door again. And then again, get up there dumbass. Is there anything else we can investigate in the laboratory? Yes. I've read all of these things. Now I read it and shot out. Oh, okay. On the other side of the room can be found what appears to be a surgical center.

You would know it as a mash unit, Felix. Yes. Yes. I would. Let's take a look. Yeah. Let's look around. Uh, there is the cabinet, which contains the, uh, things that I mentioned earlier.

Dr. Caligari? When you near the cabinet, the faint sound of an electric compressor can be heard and it might be noticed that the lowest drawer gives off a faint draft of cold air. I think we should open that lowest drawer. I love to feel cool. We open the drawer and discover a host of refrigerated human remains, nerves, tendons, blood vessels all carefully stored for what seems to be future use. Make a sanity roll.

Fail. Fail. Well, this is my first sanity fail, not feeling good. Everyone lose one sanity for just seeing parts of your body, which is honestly something we should all be comfortable with. What's the part of the lab or bottles of glucose saline solutions? The place is slightly confusing as it seems to serve a surgeon, a chemical manufacturer, and a plant breeder.

Well, looking at all the equipment, you realize this costs several thousand dollars more than most men could spend on an innocent hobby. Yeah, that's almost a million. Uh, is there a... Who doesn't love having an innocent hobby of sewing legs to women's head? Do we... Is there anything... Are there any books around?

We could... Like, can we roll a spot hidden for that? No, it's a spooky lab. No, it's not... They're operating without instruction. It's not a book zone. Also, the foot thing measures to kick down the door and flee to another part of the house. All right.

I guess we gotta go upstairs. Yeah, let's go upstairs. We gotta go upstairs, yeah. Check it out. Okey-doke. Uh... Look, you go upstairs. That's the ground floor, most of the rooms, it's a normal guy's house.

There's kitchen, dining room, pantry, guest room. What is interesting is the front room, which is used by, uh, Mr. Jeffstein as his study. Above his desk is a collection of books standing on a single shelf. The four most interesting books include an Arabic copy of the Quran. A copy of... Are there other... Are there other kinds? It's in Arabic.

It's in Arabic, so yes, there are other kinds. Really weird Maltese version. Uh, technically, it's only the Quran if it is in Arabic. There's a book called Twenty Experiments in the Occult by Dr. Arthur Turnley, a well-worn copy of True Magic by Theophilus Wen, and a large, crudely-fashioned book bound in cobra skin called The Key and the Gates, opening it all the Texas in Sanskrit. But... Wait, does he have a copy of the case for the state that will be Israel by Alan Dershowitz?

No, but there are 14 leather-bound annual journals dating back to, uh, 15, 16 years ago, up to the current year, and a black loose-leaf binder holding, uh, Mr. Jefferson's notes regarding his botanical experiments. Read the diary, read his diary, read his stream journal, read his stream journal. You press X. There's a lot of diary information here, so if you could jazz it up and, uh, make this not boring, that would be helpful to me. We will make it so.

Notable excerpts. Journal one is from 14 years ago, journal 14 is from the present year. Journal one, September 10th. Another embarrassing memory lapse today. This journal should help me deal with the problem. What the fuck are you putting in, dumbass? Ugh, I don't remember everything that's ever happened in my life, boo. It's good for Democratic presidential candidates.

September 13th. September 13th. I've had mother sign the last... Uh, what happened between September 10th and 15th? I guess he stayed home that day. September 13th. I've had mother sign the last of legal papers that transfer ownership of Jeff Steed and porters of America from her to myself.

She seems to be doing well in the new nursing home, and I hope they can give her the treatment and attention she needs. I'm afraid her condition continues to decline rapidly. The death of father seems to have unhinged her mind. If she knew my role in his death, although I don't in the least feel responsible, I'm sure it would kill her. She would never understand the power of my new lord, Ramasekva. Oh boy.

Could she have but experienced those moments on the mountain for the Virgin Islands when he appeared in all of his terrible magnificence? He spoke with me and left his mark upon my breast, then he took hold of the father, and the two became one with each other. Before devouring him, Ramasekva tore my father's head from his shoulders. This guy's God. He made him and his father come together in some sort of town situation. In a metaphoric situation.

Oh God. But his father was killed in this process. And if you mean it's kind of like being gay with your dad. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. That was what I was implying. October 29th.

Have met a charming young woman at a social gathering. Her name is Lynn Myers. I've arranged to take her to the pictures next week. My lord I think would approve of her. December 12th. Spent 30 hours in ceremony. Have located Ramasekva. He wants a bridge to the world and needs my help.

I've agreed. My studies have shown that Ramasekva is an obscure Asura, a virgin island's demon. The Asura are said to be older gods, the ones who ruled before the coming of Shiva. Certain things spoken of in Wend's book lead me to believe there may be a link to a being called Yogg-Sathan. Oh boy. That guy's bad news. From Journal 2, January 10th, I found myself wanting to make Lynn my wife and have sealed

the thought by proposing to her. She accepted and we have set the date of marriage of March 9th of this year. Ramasekva assures me the time is right. March 13th. I've returned from our honeymoon. Lynn and I have decided to keep the family place as it is excellent for raising children. In May, all being well, Lynn will accompany me on my trip to Ceylon for a new herbal tea supply, Herbalife.

This may be my last trip out of the country for a while. A man who plans a family must be willing to settle down a bit. April 1st. I had to send Lynn to visit her mother while I cast the ceremony. I don't believe she's ready to understand yet. Ramasekva has told me he wants a union of flesh. He demands the union be made with my wife. I am to await 13 days, cast another easier ceremony and then wait.

Ramasekva is to take my place. This dude's a cuck. Mixed religion marriages are always hard. April 14th. Cast the ceremony in the morning and Ramasekva came. I wait in the basement while he visited Lynn for several hours. Oh snap. Oh my god dude.

I don't expect nothing. Oh my god. Oldergodded.com. July 19th. I have told my wife to remain in bed throughout the day as she has taken ill from her pregnancy. I took the day to contact Ramasekva. I am to deliver the child myself at home. My master has directed me to raise the child as if it were my own.

November 21st. Horror of horrors. My life is in ashes. Poor Lynn went into labor today and in the course of giving birth to the child, she expired despite all I did to save her. Nurse Dunlap blundered into the room at the wrong moment when she saw the child took leave of her senses. In trying to take care of her, I may have neglected Lynn at a critical moment.

At any rate, she's God and I blame only myself. A second child, a boy, who was born dead and I have turned both bodies over to the funeral home. The child of Ramasekva hidden in the basement. The thing is limbless and appears to have trouble breathing. I don't think I can live for long. Continues November 25th. The funeral of Lynn and the child was said.

That one's boring. November 26th. The ceremony of Ramasekva brought him forth to explain the child. He said the thing would live and that I am to spend the next 10 years preparing for a time when it would need me. When the time comes, I am to equip it for life on earth. It will be given limbs and lungs. I'm not to contact Ramasekva until 10 years and a day have lapsed.

Is this like Catholic or something? What's going on? I don't get this strange religion that he's a member of. December 14th. I found someone to help me. Actually, that part's pointless now. Journals 3 through 12. Nothing important is included here.

They cover three trips to the Caribbean, acquisitions of unusual orchids and other botanical curiosities. Meeting of several old friends, work matters, various accounts of mundane purchases and such. Journal 13. We're in the home stretch. On December 25th, the child grows large and the time has come. Large child. Entered the ceremony with Ramasekva.

He told me that when spring has arrived, I have to search out fresh limbs and organs to be added to the creature. The time of experimenting is over. As the thing is still a child, I will use only the limbs and organs of children. My experiments show that the more youthful parts adapt better than the older ones. Many parts that are unusual, I'm directed to feed to the child, Ramasekva wants it to develop a taste for such things and says that it is now the time for growing. Journal 14.

The last journal. Maxwell says I'm asking too much of... Oh wait, that's the thing. I must admit the feeling killed. Aiding and abetting his false beliefs somehow... No, sorry. No, skip that. Skip that.

Cut that. Make sure the audience doesn't hear that. Most of the child's organs are now in place and a few limbs have been attached. The grafts heal nicely. My years of experimenting are paying off. March 28th, April 8th, April 11th, April 19th, May 14th, May 25th, these days contain similar statements to those above. The increasing growth rate of the child thing necessitating increasingly frequent trips

to the garbage dump is a source of surprise and pleasure for Jeffstein. Wow. Fatherhood. Strip. This is another one of those Zeppelin barons I've read a lot about. There is one final entry though. I am being followed by my nasty neighbor. If I...

What? If I cannot? By a nasty wretched layabout neighbor who will never make it to himself. Very nasty neighbor. Who will absolutely never make $30 a month by selling a radio show through the back pages of Collier's Weekly. If I cannot find a way to deal with him myself in the next ceremony of Ramasack 5, we're forced to ask for their destruction.

Oh, fuck. This... It's like we got here just in time. This asshole thinks that I'm not going to be as big as Amos and Andy. He's got another thing coming, okay? Yeah, no. We... Like, his, like, footchild, we're going to kick the shit out of it.

We're going to blow up. We're going to buy Collier's one day. We are going to, like, we're going to make Jack Benny look like a loser after he gets famous. Uh, fuck this guy. Uh, there's also botanical notes. Must we? Oh, there...

No, that's, like, a simpler thing or something. Okay, yeah, let's just read it. Yeah, read it. Well, you need a botany role to understand. Oh, we don't... I don't know... No one has any botany skills. This isn't even on the God damn floor!

There's no botany on here! So, the keeper is to be blamed because the investigators do not have the foresight to roll a botanist. Let's just... It's not on here! Let's just do some Margaret Sanger shit to this footchild. Call it a day. The footchild is, uh, uh, kicking around upstairs.

Let's go kill this fucking thing. Let's just kill it. If we kill it, then everything's fine. You know what? That is how you solve most problems. Just want to be clear, you paid attention to what I just said, right? Yeah. Well, what would you say again?

The journal entries, yeah. Yeah. Uh, I tried to, yeah. Yeah. Okay, good. That's all I asked. It's the child of an elder god. I'm Sekpa.

And it's gonna, it's an all-consuming creature that we need to destroy it. It seems pretty straightforward, right? Okie-dokie. Oh, boy. Okay, okay. I think we're fucking up. You head up to the second floor, uh, master bedroom. This is, uh, Jeffstein's room.

It's relatively well-capped, relatively well-capped closet, only a third full of clothing, because you know, his wife's dead, so, yeah, uh, framed photograph of his late wife as a prominent place on top of Nightstand next to his bed. There's nothing particularly important here. Any framed photos of him with, uh, former president Theodore Roosevelt? There are a few photos of him with, uh, uh, Taft, yeah. Uh, uh, nothing else of particular importance here except for the foot thing. It's in a corner, uh, kicking in, and you're scared?

Can we try to communicate with it in some way? I mean, I feel bad. Maybe it's, maybe if it's shown love, it could become good. Tell me what you're doing. What do you think, guys? I mean, the thing is, like, you can always try to talk to somebody, and then you, like, reserve the option to kill them later. That's what I do with you guys.

Oh, oh, quick, quick question, Keeper. Can I try to feed the foot child the plant, the psychedelic plant leaves that I've perloined from earlier in the greenhouse? Now you're using your dude. All right. All right. Okay, fine, but you feed it like, uh, you're feeding a goat on a petting zoo? Yeah.

So it's leaning out and have some, have some, the thing has an intelligence of zero, so I don't think it's in this plane or any other plane. What, what's that about planes again? Oh, that's right. I will say it doesn't go for the bane, instead it kicks around and appears agitated by being cornered by the three of you. Okay, I got a derringer, you got a gun, Matt's got a sword, let's just eatster our weapons and just tee off on this thing.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I mean, is there a way we could like stuff, like stuff the flower down its gullet? Like, I mean, you know, I've got a feeling there might be something there kind of, like when we force feed the flower, you know, it's an enhanced interrogation technique that we use overseas. Lieutenant, what's your end goal with this abomination? I don't know. I mean, like, you know, I always say like a stranger is always a friend you haven't met

yet, but I also say a stranger can also be your worst enemy that could murder you. So, um, I can't lie to this thing because it's an intelligence of zero. So, aren't you a war hero? What? Aren't you a war hero? Absolutely. A master of every weapon that ever existed. Yeah, and some of the ones that haven't come out yet.

If you want to destroy it, you can destroy it. Let's do it. Fine, fuck it. I'm not even going to call for roles, the three of you having cornered the thing and aiming weapons at it, weapons it does not understand, managed to blow it up, fuck. Oh yeah. Get fucked. What a bot or craft.

This game is easy as hell. I'm fucking goaded today. You destroy the scampering foot thing. All is silent, but you hear faintly something almost like a whale noise, a plaintive whale that's not entirely human, coming from the basement. Oh my god, we have to go back down there. Can we just go back to my house, dude? No, I mean, we always say shit like that, but what happens to that whale just like rolls

over on your house and kills all your cats? Oh wait, wait. My cats are in danger? Yes. Basement, basement, basement. Yeah, I thought so. Say something else while I look for the page. Wow, I sure can't wait for the election of 1928.

I wonder if there will be a great depression that happens around them. Probably not though. Like the stock market, the economy with concerns to profit and supply and demand is at an all-time high. And I can't see. I just think we got to repeal prohibitions so we can just finally, we need better entertainment. Dude, I fucking hate it when you call the bootlegger to come over and get drunk and he doesn't believe and he makes you listen, makes you listen to his fucking, his own minstrel shows

that he's making with his friends. Fucking terrible, dude. I hate it. It's dog shit. I hate when the bootlegger makes you cross the state line into Massachusetts and then won't even sell you beer after 10 o'clock. Okay, day numbant time. You head back to the basement, again, a spooky weirdo's freelance surgery.

There's a closet on the south end of the lab that you open. It's empty, but you notice a feted, unidentifiable smell that pervades the closed space. And you hear a plaintive, almost like a child, or actually a professor, it's like a cat's noise when it begs for food. But it's not a meow. Now what? I gotta give that kitty a headscritch. One of these, one of these, baby.

Following the sound and the smell, you see that the back wall is a false panel. Ooh, it's one of those new things. I heard about that, I read about that in Architectural Weekly. If we keep grinding, we can get you like that. What do you do to the panel? I had to grind for this false panel. What do you do to the panel? Open it.

You open the panel and you hear a faint plaintive gurgling from the other side. Are there any other adjectives we can use? I'm reading the damn thing, I didn't write the damn thing. You open the panel, light is produced into a back hidden room, stumbling out of it. It's a true horror, Shirley Temple. It's a creature. The creature's body looks like a huge dense mucus, with the consistency of an overcooked pudding.

An interior skeleton can be seen poking through the body from time to time, with three great vents, closed by wrinkly lips, rhythmically aspirate the monster with puffing, wheezing sounds. Oh my god, it's the cinema claw. Ten human legs, all childrens, through though of various colors and sizes, rim the lower part of the body, providing it with locomotion, while the fifteen chubby little arms encircling the upper side of the body writhe about, grasping at nothing. The thing is quite featureless except for a wet circular mouth located on the creature's

underside that gurgles and coos softly in a way that resembles a sound a human baby makes. The creature frequently stops to squat and scour the floor with wet, suckling noises searching for food. The thing's waste products are passed out of its digestive system by a sphincter, opening up atop the center of the monster's body, much like a sea urchin. A near-continuous stream of doodoo issues from the hole. There's a picture here if you want to give the audience a description. Picture's really good.

Oh man, that's like a million goat sees. Yeah, I mean, that is not a good thing to see. Wonderfully drawn though. I'm not gonna lie guys, that's pretty weird. That's like one of the weirder things I've ever seen. But still, gotta be honest, would. Everyone make a sanity roll. Oh, I failed that shit.

Pass. I mean, how the fuck would I pass looking at that? You're into weird things. Oh my god. Oh no. Fuck. I'm gonna lose 1d10 sanity and let me know how much it is. Is that a 10 one?

Oh yeah. Zero. Yeah, zero for me too. That's 10. Oh shit. Both of you make a, what the hell was it, I think an intelligence roll. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Make an intelligence roll.

Pray for stupidity. Oh fuck, I passed. Felix? Oh fuck, I passed. Oh boy. You are both cognizant of the monstrosity, now you realize the thing from the diaries that you paid very close attention to me saying about this thing being the key to the opening of the gate.

You're both temporarily insane. Wow. Give me d10 rolls. 10. 3. 10. Dr. Pennyfarthing, you gain a new mania, that was not fun. Well, maybe you're into the doo-doo.

This thing is shitting and farting out it's doo-doo ass and you're really here for it. You gain a mania for doo-doo and you want to consume it's doo-doo. I'm spilling the doo-doo and I'm out here sipping it. Lieutenant Cumtree, you rolled 3. Yes. Violence. Red Miss, this sends on you. You explode in a spree of uncontrolled violence and destruction directed at your surroundings.

Oh my god, fucking dude, if I could just get drunk and pissed, I would win the fucking boxing Olympics. Dude, I'm the type of guy, when I'm pissed, I get quiet. And I can knock anybody out in one punch. I'm so fucking mad, dude. Put on that jazz shit, I'm so fucking pissed right now. If there was wrestling and grappling involved, I would fucking destroy Jack Johnson. Dude, if I could just bring a gun in there, I would fucking kill him, no cap.

I rule that Felix immediately sets at the child thing. And that, Matt, also goes towards it to get some of that doo-doo. Felix, if you go insane immediately, what would your weapon be? Probably the pistol. Okay, you take out your pistol and you shoot the thing at point blank range that gives you a bonus die. Roll it. Alright.

That's D100, right? Yeah, that's a D100 and then roll the 10th place twice. Take the lowest of the two. Alright, I got a 10, 9, 2. I don't know what you did. What? What? What?

Oh, wrong guys. Fuck. Alright, D100 is... Fuck, we gotta roll that again. We haven't done combat forever, what do you want? Okay, what'd you roll? Oh, 60. Out of...

Out of the 100s... It's the 100s place, right? Look, it's not my fault this is a talking intensive thing and I was mostly focusing on the fast talk ability. I believe you have an 80 handgun, so you fire and you shoot the damn thing. Yeah. Roll damage. Damage is...

Listen, at the bottom of your character sheet. 1d10. 1d plus 1d10, yeah. Roll it. What's the damage? 8. Nice. Oh, you shoot the thing.

Black Eyed Horse spews out of the bullet boom. Matt's excited about that. Yeah, I can't wait. There you go, buddy. I just Grubhub used some doo-doo. Even though only one of you is explicitly hostile, I guess I'll call this a combat situation and say, bullet time, will you act first? What do you want to do?

You observe your compatriots going mad, one of them shooting this thing, and the other one licking his lips like an old cartoon. Maybe putting on a napkin. My homies are going insane. I'm following them into the mouth of madness. I'm taking out my pistol and also firing directly into the doo-doo zone. Roll a normal shot. What is that?

Just roll against your handgun. Okay. All right, that's a pass. Roll damage. 1d6. 6. Ooh. Good shot.

That's why I say, man, nice shot. Felix, you can roll another shot without the bonus die. All right. Just roll a d100. Pass. Roll damage. 4. You shoot this thing again, and what do we do?

Hell yes! If we keep shooting, it's going to run out of doo-doo. I don't care how otherworldly this thing is, you can only shit for so long. According to the rules of this edition, the child thing can make up to three fist attacks per round on three separate targets. I'll say it tries to slap all of you in a yum-yum type style. One will, it's a fail. One Felix, it's a pass. Fuck.

One bat, it's a fail. Felix takes... Oh shit. Felix takes 9 damage. Oh my god. Fuck. I am one shot at fuck right now. I need you guys to clutch this.

I'm really pissed. I'm really pissed. I'm one hit. I've just shot this thing resulting in doo-doo. This is just insane. Don't worry guys, I got this. Felix, this is even worse than the battles of you're done, the sum, and Gallipoli. I was in all of them, yeah.

Matt, Dr. Penny Farthing, it's on you and you are mad and you want to... I want the doo-doo. Roll for doo-doo. So you go up and embrace the creature. Yes. It's cloacal holes. Oh baby. I want to get up in those crevices.

There's actually nothing written in the scenario for this particular situation. You wait, you wait, what? You surprise me. I'm through the looking glass. As to what might happen, what effects on your body eating this creature's waste would produce. I mean, you tell me man, I have no idea. I'm just a simple country testicle farmer. I'll say roll your dexterity, see if you can even do it.

Pass. You embrace the creature which is fighting and pummeling with its child arms, your friend and co-host Felix. It's just like... I'm watching him eat this creature's shit. And because of my phrenological skills, I was like, I always knew this motherfucker was German. I'll say it's the top of another combat round. Will and Felix both have guns aimed at point blank range. You can fire a shot at the top of the round, but you won't get a bonus die.

Let's look at a shot. Alright, roll it. Felix, I will burst. Fail. Felix. Oh, heart pass. Roll damage. 1d10.

That's a 1d6. Alright, whatever. Similar numbers. I got a 9. Alright. You're doing a lot of damage to it. It's doing a lot of high core. You both can make more shots on your regular combat rounds, so we'll go first.

Pass. Roll damage. 2d10. Felix. Pass. Roll damage. 8d10. The thing is totally incapacitated.

It is a baby after all. Yeah, a fucking dumb one. I'll say that it tries to flee, and it tries to flee through William, who's standing between it and the staircase. I'm just gonna try to fucking knock you down and flee past you. What do you do? Dodge? Fight back? I am the thin blue line. It separates our civilization from total madness and insanity and baby monsters.

Allow you to either dodge, fight back physically, or just make a shot. I'm gonna fight back. Okay, roll it. Roll against what? Fighting roll. My fighting roll is basically the same stat as the gun, so can I change that and try to shoot it again? No, just roll the damn fighting roll. We're out of fail.

It gets a heart extreme success. It uses its baby child arms to push you aside and scurry to the staircase leading up to the ground, leading up to the first floor, but it's very, very weak from you guys shooting it and you eating its waist. Matt, since you're still insane, you hurry after it. There's only a fork and knife in front of him in a comical fashion. He's floating on a scent weight. But at the top of the round, I'll say that Felix will both can still aim and shoot. Will?

Fire. Fire at Will. One shot. Fail. Felix. Fucking pass, baby. That's good. That one hit point. You shoot it.

It explodes in a fucking disgusting... I've explained this enough. It's gross. Keep going. Keep going. I'm almost there. I'm saying there's the icor in its veins and there's the doodoo and there's just baby arms just splattering all across. Oh, hell yes. Faze the fuck up. It is supper time, folks. Bring the damn dinner bell because daddy's gonna eat.

Chris, can we get an on-com? 1920s quitter ain't having no doodoo monster. The monster's not invited to the cookout. Chris, can we get normal music? Matt, you're really sad. You lost the source of the doodoo. But you're all kind of coming out of it, Felix, out of your violent rampage and Matt out of your eating disorder. It is then that you hear the front door open and you hear the basement door open and it's Mr. Jeffstein.

He looks down and sees the corpse of his son. Oh, no. I'll definitely have to kill myself now. He pulls to his knees and says, what have you done? He was the way. No, doodoo's off the menu tonight. We should murder him, though, seriously. Yeah, we should definitely kill him. I mean, he's killed how many children to build this thing? Let's make it look like he killed himself.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll start stripping bedsheets into long, thin strips and then tying them together. Well, he's just crying there because he destroyed his entire life's work and he's lost the last reds of his sanity. That's fantastic. He's so easy to kill right now. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I should be like, want to come back to my place and look at some of these graphs? I told you I got the new Alves Olson record. It's got Mammy and Swanny on it.

No reason to live. My son killed my son. I mean, everyone I've ever known is dead. That's what you do. Well, okay. That was some weird shit you were doing, man. Yeah, there's so much other shit you could have been doing. You could have built ships in a bottle.

You could have read books. You did this shit and now we have to make it look like you killed yourself. So you're happy. Do you think I'm happy? I lost 10 sanity points today because of the fucking weird shit you're doing over here. I'm never going to recover. No one's ever going to write a song for veterans. He's weak and fully insane now.

What do you want to do? I'm not kidding. We should kill him. Yeah, let's kill him. Okay, let's kill him. Really? He's a murderer. Yeah, he's killed dozens of children.

No, he didn't kill any children. Were you not paying attention to the journey? Where did he get all those limbs from? Just children who died. Children die all the time. When you went to the child depot? Yes. Is the Dungeon Master Alan Dershowitz?

He didn't have to kill any children. Every child dies in this era. 95% of children die in this era. He kept his underwear on every time he was stitching some child. He was just taking the limbs from children who died of other causes, which is every cause in this era. Okay, we can't get anything from him. If he's fully insane, that means he probably can't do another.

He's not going to be able to go on to 1920smatch.com and find another spouse to get impregnated by this elder one. He's not really a danger, I guess. I know you're totally insane right now, but have you considered subscribing for a nickel a month to Capone Speakeasy, the popular radio program? All I want to be is Al Capone. Buy the monograph.

What do you want to do? Put him out of his misery? I'll just be like, I'm okay. If you guys want to kill him and make it look like he killed himself, that's fine with me, but I'm just going to say, thanks for having us over, man. Cool laboratory, dude. He's not really defenseless, so just tell me what you want him to do.

Okay, let's just kill him. End this. End it. No point in him living. You kill him, he's dead. Put a bullet in his head, point blank range. Look, we, like, you know... You make it look like a suicide. Yeah, I know.

The way it was meant to be. You write on his personal notepad, I've decided to put a bullet in my head. I decided to lie down on a bullet, and you should not ask any more questions about what has transpired here in my house. I've decided to fire a shot directly into the back of my skull. No, this is, to any cop, this is going to look like classic suicide.

Three shots to the stomach, two shots to the head. Next to a giant ball of ectoplasm. And child's limbs. Cane beating. Suicide shade. So, back to Will's house? Yeah. Look at some more comic books?

Yeah, we'll get fucked up on ether and the louded. Pet my cat. I will say any sanity losses that you sustained over the course of this scenario are taken care of by the sanity gain for preventing the opening of the fucking gate. Fuck yeah, I got that ketamine spray. Also, and killing a totally defenseless old man.

And you still have the leaves. Hell yeah, you guys all get fucked up. Let's do it. Let's go to the fucking, let's go to the other place. Well done. We did it, guys. We did it. This shit's easy.

Bang. Game is easy. Clap. I gotta say, I have to say. EG's only. We've done this a number of times now, and I've done games where I had to do physical combat and games where I had to eat monster shit,

and it's much more chill and fun to just eat the monster shit. And that was, canonically, our first encounter with the mythos. A few weeks later, you decide that we're going to hire more people for our radio program, and we're going to get rid of the awful James St. Brendan. He's just not cutting it. You replace him with a Portuguese man.

What would you purchase? Oh, no, I can't believe that I have to work for you all now. Oh, you better start fucking believing it. It's bowel movements. I need to track all the time to do my job. And the rest is history. Woo! Thank you.