Chapo Trap House - Episode 238 - The Mueller's Tale (8/20/18)

Episode Date: August 21, 2018

AKA - No Sons Seeing my Shirtless Men President Trump is mad at windmills and has seen "that movie." Two muscular brothers defend a buff and nude Mueller. Media's most preeminent treat boy attempts to secure his legacy. Even Baseball Crank is back. Today's episode is a grab bag overflowing with riches. The book is finally out and in stores now! Buy tickets for our Northeast Tour NOW! http://chapotraphouse.com/tour/ (Chapo & The Wolf cold-open by Brendan James)

Each character in this tale is going to be represented by a different instrument of the orchestra. For instance, William Menneker will be played by the flute like this. Here's the baseball crank played by the oboe. The blast of Elon Musk's rocket thrusters by the kettle drums. The bassoon will represent Virgil having diarrhea. Amber and her cats will be represented by the clarinet periodically interrupted by the sound of retching. Matt Christmas by Mongolian throat singing. Felix will be represented by Joe Rogan talking about quantum physics and DMT like this.

When those quantum physicists guys start breaking down the nature of reality and they come up with, I don't know how the fuck they do this, I'm just talking about my ass, but they come up with the idea that there's 11 dimensions. And that they literally, I mean, and this is all changing and constantly evolving and moving and they're constantly adding to this. It is entirely possible that there's a bunch of other shit that's around us all the time that's just not here and we don't have access to it. And when you do DMT, you go into that other place. And Peter Dow by The Strings. Are you sitting comfortably? Then I shall begin. Hello friends, it's Choppo. We're back before we start this week's show.

We got to blow it out of the water right now with a strong ass plug for our northeastern tour dates, which we hope to see you at. Virgil, run it down. Now, have you ever listened to this show and been confused where these voices coming from? Are these other people? Can I interact with them in some fashion? Now you can in the Choppo Trap House late 2018 tour going to Washington, D.C. on September 5th at the 930 Club. September 6th, Baltimore at Baltimore Sound Sage. September 11th, Philadelphia Union Transfer. Never forget we're having a show in Philadelphia on 911. September 13th, Portland, Maine at Port City.

September 14th, Boston, Wilbur Theater. September 15th, Hamden, Connecticut at the Space Ballroom for all you Yalees out there. September 16th, Pawtucket, Rhode Island, The Met. September 18th, end of the tour. Brooklyn, New York at the Bell House. Two shows out for that. All these tickets can be found at chapotraphouse.com slash tour or check the description of this episode. Please come to the show. Please bring your friends who maybe have never heard of the show. We'd love to see you there. All right, let's start the show. Choppo, let's go.

We are back. It's just another manic Monday. And for those of you mad about yet another Monday episode, all I have to say is don't blame me. Blame all of the people who are tangentially associated with me who have decided to celebrate their love by joining it together in front of friends and family and a commitment of their shared lives and values. Pathetic. Yeah, fuck them. It's very selfish of them. And if you're annoyed about this, well, get used to it. I've got another wedding to go to next weekend. Wedding after wedding after wedding.

If you're a grown ass man getting married, you don't need to exchange vows. You need to exchange a fucking job. What kind of grown man has time to get married? How's the fucking man? Not one with the job. How's a man going to get married? I'm jewelry. You're going to kiss a woman in front of all your friends. That's fucking gay.

I will say I was in Madison this weekend for a wedding. And I do want to give a quick shout out, a quick choppo. Tipo the cap at the top of the show to... Caste meat. No, Madison resident Chase, who's an OG gray wolf who I met in O'Hare Airport. We met on the same flight to Madison. He was in the same row. And then him and his girlfriend, Deanna, gave me and Catherine a ride into town. They gave us a lift and he hooked me up with some...

Oh, yeah. Wow, way to snitch deck at one of our fans. Yay, you heard it here first, folks. If you want to shout out on Chapo Trap House, go up to Will Menaker whenever you see him in an airport and just give him drugs. Mark packages. Tell him to take it through security. Well, it may sound like Will smoked weed, but they actually gave him a pack of Garels and Will thought it was weed.

They just gave him an extremely dry Midwest cigarette. That is the opposite. That's the exact opposite of the Adam Friedland Sarah Lerner lift experience. Oh, man. So good to be back. Good to be here with the Chapos again back in Brooklyn, New York. We got a... It's wonderful. I want to kick off this week's show by doing an update on the big wet president.

Our big wet president. Our voice boy. He's added again, folks. He said just two items have come across the news transom that I think bearest discussion on the show. The first one is just a quote. I don't really even know where the context for this was or what the remarks were, but these are... This is top tier.

This is a statement made by Donald Trump, and I'm just going to read it now. You remember Hillary with the coal, right? Sitting with the miners at the table. Remember? That wasn't so good for her. Yeah, I saw that video. So the people of West Virginia and all over, you look at Wyoming, you look at so many different places where they just Pennsylvania,

where they loved what we did, and it's clean coal. And we have the most modern procedures, but it's a tremendous form of energy in the sense that in a military way, think of it, coal is indestructible. Yes. I'm always saying that. You can't burn coal. You can't do it. If you try to destroy it, it turns into diamonds, and that's more money.

I don't know if you can spend on more energy. He is right. Energy can't be destroyed. You're right. That's true. That's the dynamics, motherfucker. Beautiful clean coal. I love when he talks about that.

Not a thing. He loves beautiful clean coal. I assume that he's trying to reference, when he talked about Hillary with the coal miners, talking about when she, for some reason, did a campaign event where she's like, and all coal miners will be unemployed. She's literally going to shoot them in the back of the head and bury them in a shallow ditch. They're going to be calling me Pinkerton too,

but they're all going to be forcibly gay married. I can guarantee you that none of you will be leaving Harlan County alive. It just made it sound like she had a raucous night out with a bunch of coal miners. Which was 2008. She had the smudged face. She wore that hard hat. She was dipping for a while during the 2008 campaign. People forget that.

She'd be doing a speech and just hawk into a Gatorade bottle. This was actually not the end of Trump's thoughts on energy policy. Okay. This is going to tie it all together. He goes, he said, in a military way, think of it, coal is indestructible. You can blow up a pipeline. You can blow up the windmills. You know the windmills.

Boom, boom, boom. And then in brackets it says mimicking windmill sound. Bing, bing, bing. And then in brackets again, mimes shooting large gun. That's the end of that one. If the birds don't kill it first, the birds could kill it first. They kill so many birds. You look underneath some of those windmills.

It's like a killing field. The birds. But you know, that's where they were going to. They were going to windmills. And you know, don't worry about when the wind doesn't blow. I said, what happens when the wind doesn't blow? Well, then we have a problem. Okay, good.

They were putting them in areas where they didn't have much wind too. And it's a subsidiary. You need subsidy for windmills. You need subsidy. Who wants to have energy where you need subsidy. So the coal is doing great. What the f- That's okay.

Wait a minute. I'm feeling like the white Albert fish. Birds are going to kill windmills by being killed by windmills. Yeah. It's just like they kill regular birds, but then like a f- A prehistoric awk is going to show up and break it. Many, many awful deals have happened where a pterodactyl will show up because of a time warp.

Very bad situation. How come none of the great heroes and mysteries show up to kill the pterodactyl? Never. We're going to make a great deal with the Chinese. They're going to do the math where they figure out the time portal. You know, the pterodactyl, they just come in. You know, okay, they bring you over. They bring you over your nice meal.

You got your little coke. You got your fry. Okay. They go, it's a living. They're always complaining. Not good. But the thing is, is okay. I mean, first of all, I mean, for him to say that they're killing the birds

and the act like he gives a shit is hilarious. The EPA just loosened rules is going to massacre birds. He doesn't care about birds at all. It's just a talking point. But even if you accept that, he's still saying the birds are going to kill the windmills. Suicide bombers. Oh my God. But no, he hates windmills.

And it's been pointed out that it's because he had a big fight with a windmill farm project in Scotland that was going to fuck up the view for his shitty fucking golf course. And so that, of course, sticks in his head. And that's the only thing he knows about windmills is that they fuck up his golf course. Hey, you know where there's, you know where there's not a lot of wind? The North Atlantic. Yeah, not at all. Yeah.

Trump is our Don Quixote. And he's just, he's just the concept of windmills. And he's like, he needs to bed a maiden, which just means like he chases her. They chase each other around a room and he's like, all right, now we're going to have sex. You're going to blow raspberries on my belly. Another great deal. Matt, was it you? Some of there's like the dollop episode about when sailors found the island full of puffins

and they just they just massacre that they stay stuck like in a comic, like in a cartoon, they stuff them into a giant grease machine to turn them into lamp oil. Yeah, they rendered every single puffin on this island, which honestly, like if you told Trump that you could have beautiful, clean energy by just shoveling rare birds into a blast furnace, he would be 100 percent in favor of that. But this shit about the birds and just the cadence and like halting, stopping, you know, is it libelous to say, I mean, like I suppose I have to say allegedly, but like he has tertiary syphilis.

Like this is like when Al Capone was fishing in his swimming pool. Well, I mean, you say that. The thing is, there have been these really disturbing shots of his face with these really fucked up looking lesions on his cheeks that people have said with medical expertise that that looks like syphilis. So he might have it. I mean, it's hard to imagine a human being in the 21st century with fucking syphilis and you could go up with a shot of fucking penicillin.

He has that in common with our founding fathers. I brought it back. It's great. Okay. Everyone said they didn't like AIDS. Okay. Very bad. I got the one before it.

But I mean, I could understand it if like he, I mean, we know his doctor that that like fucking Lebowski ass motherfucker. He doesn't. He pays in like fucking, you know, David Buster's gift cards. Who knows if he actually is honest with him and maybe oh, he's not going to come back if I tell him he's riddled with venereal diseases. So I'm just saying, look at good champ. You're doing great.

Trump has all the diseases that are in David D's illustrations. He's like the only guy who's drinking of Diet Coke to get more galons and shit. Like the only one in the world. He just runs up onto the tarmac with the chemtrails planes with his mouth open. Fantastic. It's like, I feel like a superhero. I have all the vitamins and crucial alloys. I've got all the deal, the deal vapor.

It's just like, he's like, like, there is going to come out scientists. You're going to be like, well, okay, like more galons and shit. It's real and chemtrails are real, but you would literally, you would have to ingest like an inhuman amount. It's like overdosing on pod. It's like almost physically impossible. And just cut to Trump. Just like I being Diet Coke and being like, this is awful.

They don't like me talking about it. It's terrible. It tastes like garbage. I'll still drink it. I'll still take it intravenously. And he just had, he just has like a second, a manifestation of more galons growing out of his back, a Quato. Oh, just made a plastic.

Jared, you've been replaced. You know, it's all fun. We're having a good time talking about our brains. My president's brain is dying, but a part of the manifestation of that dying brain is that the EPA is now relaxing carbon emissions rules for power plants. Turn on the coal reactor. I mean, it's funny, but it's going to kill all of us. Back to the chemtrails and his decaying brain.

Another interesting factoid about Trump is that he's an asbestos truther. Yeah. He thinks that like when they found out that asbestos causes cancer in like the 70s and took it out of all the buildings, like he was very, he thought that was a conspiracy. And now he's bringing it back. We're bringing back asbestos folks. He didn't have some quote about how the Twin Towers blew up because there was not asbestos in it.

Yeah, exactly. There was tons of asbestos in the Twin Towers, and that's why a lot of people got sick. Yeah, but the reason he thinks it's a scam is very telling. He thinks that asbestos was made up by the mafia because mob controlled companies were the ones who removed all the asbestos from the city. That's true in New York. Right. And so since he interacted with it that way, he's like, ah, it's a scam.

It's the same way that he says that global warming is made up by the Chinese in order to make America less competitive. I don't know because he he views world. There is no underlying truth. They're sure as fuck isn't an underlying morality. There are just different groups trying to get one over on each other. So somebody tells you something. It's not because there's scientific fact behind it.

It's because they have something to gain. He's his brain is like it's dying and it's mostly chicken nuggets at this point, but it is like been honed and molded into this perfect capitalist mechanism where he only views the world through these interactions and through through gain. And that's the only truth there is. He's a quintessential American. Yes. No, he is.

I was the only person who could be president now. No, I was thinking about this this weekend. I mean, I feel like we returned back to this. But again, I was just having like, you know, wedding conversations with stuff. And I remember telling someone plastics. Yeah, plastics. Yeah. Talk about more jelly.

No, I really think that like Trump of America has finally got a president that we deserve is like that really represents everything that this country is about. And it's probably going to destroy us as a result. But the thing is, how do you go after this? You can't top it. This is why I was talking about the freaky, like the chilling thought of like moving beyond this thing that all of our cultural and economic and social vectors were moving towards. It is moving.

It is a rent horizon. It's a fucking eschatology. And how do you cope beyond that? How do you go through the wormhole and come out intact? Or we're going, we won't need eyes. Yeah. We won't need eyes to see either. I hear what you're all saying.

You're saying about, you know, the ice caps, no cap, you know, the manifestation of capitalism, what comes after this, the cultural, political and civil degeneration of America. But have you ever thought about how many people would have died in 9-11 if there was an asbestos in the towers? It's true. So like, what if he's right? Yeah. It would have saved countless lives.

Yeah. So this is, this is item number two. This is a story that got a lot of burn in the Daily Beast by Asoin. And I got to say, as a movie pedant myself who likes nothing more than arguing about movies in a sufferable way, this one I really felt. I was like, I really, I relate to this. Well, I mean, you relate to everyone else in the room. Yeah.

And you're like, how did you not just scream into his stupid face? This is a headline. Trump and Amarosa had a quote, fucking weird fight with Vietnam vets. As if having Amarosa heading up veterans issues wasn't strange enough. President Trump started arguing with Vietnam vets about napalm and Asian orange. Let me guess, they restore losers again. So reading here, it says, during this White House meeting, certain details of which have not been previously reported, the president managed to again annoy and confuse US war veterans

this time by getting into a bizarre, protracted argument with Vietnam war vets present about the movie Apocalypse Now and the herbicide, Agent Orange. The meeting included President Trump and the envoys of nearly a dozen major vets groups, including the American Legion, blah, blah, blah, and the right-leaning concerned veterans for America, as well as senior staffers. He slipped both veterans in there? Probably. Well, John Kerry was there as well.

Really? Oh, man. I will not be in the same room with this. No, no, he was. He wasn't there. Three-eater. John Kerry wasn't there. He was having a Wendell's hamburger at the time and enjoying the films of Francis Fordid

Coppola. He will not watch any director. It was a vowel at the end of his name. John Kerry watches movies from 1908. That's like the pleasant bicycle ride. The president began going around the room, asking the different representatives of what they were working on and how his administration could help, having made veterans issues a cornerstone of his 2016 campaign rhetoric.

What I love about the story that's being related here is all of these fucking Vietnam veterans groups, I'm sorry, and they're all right-leaning. These are all right-wing. These are all people who were like, we won the war, but the politicians lost it. These are people. They're ginned up by these con artists who tell them that there are POWs that we didn't get. Yeah.

All the resentful Vietnam that's there are the most, they really spawned the psyche of the modern, reactionary right-wing millennial and Gen X man, which is like, dude, you're so fucking lucky. My friends held me back. That started with Vietnam vets. It really did. It's like, man, you are so fucking lucky you killed a bunch of us and we had to leave. Oh, dude, if we were better at wars, oh my fucking god, we would have killed you, dude.

If we used our big bomb that only one other country has, oh my fucking god, dude, you were so lucky we didn't murder everyone in your country. You're lucky that my friend crashes plane all those times. Oh my fucking god. You know, when you see these types sort of grazing around America's ex-herbs and airports with the hat, with the gold laurels on the brim, or the shirt that's like frequent flyer, but thousands of miles served, Operation Rolling Fun there. Whenever I see those shirts, like the Vietnam vets shirts, it always reminds me of when

you see those kids in like Haiti or somewhere that gets the t-shirts of the losing team in the Super Bowl. Yeah, it's like, it's so great because the wars after that, Granada and Panama and the First Gulf War is just like, it's just like the Warriors drafted LeBron and they're like, NBA champs again, baby. Let's go. Dude, we did it. We beat the Clippers.

All right. Here we go. Soon he got Rick Wideman, co-founder of Vietnam Veterans of American, who was one of the Vietnam vets in the room that day, having served a tour of duty in 1969 as a medic. Nice. Trump famously avoided military service and the disastrous war ostensibly due into bone spurs. And it once said his prolific sex life was his own personal Vietnam.

By the way, whenever they bring, whenever like Libs bring up the fact that Trump dodged the draft, I'm like, why are you highlighting the one normal human thing about Trump? Yeah, that was a very smart thing to do. I mean, I gather, you know, it's easy for him as this, you know, incredibly rich kid who can just hide in a fucking university, but no, that's any rational person would have done that. They always get riled by hypocrisy because all these troops love him and he was too cowardly to actually fight.

Yeah. They actually tell you something about the fucking troops. Yeah. Not him. The problem is with them. Yeah. And then they always like brag that Robert Mueller served in Vietnam and it's like, oh, yeah, he really looks cooler here than the guy who just has a panic attack anytime

he sees like a tiki torch from now on for the rest of his life. As opposed to Donald Trump, who spent the 70s, you know, making deals, being cool, he kissed so many belly buttons in the 70s, got laid all the time. According to two sources in the room who requested anonymity, this is when things went off the rails. During the course of the meeting, Weidman brought up the issue of Agent Orange, an extremely notorious component of the U.S. herbicidal warfare on Vietnam. Weidman was imploring the president and his team to permit access to benefits for a broader

number of vets who have said they were poisoned by Agent Orange. Trump responded by saying, that's taken care of, according to people in the room. His reply puzzled the group. Comically dusts hands. Attendees began explaining to the president that the VA had not made enough progress on the issue at all, to which Trump responded by abruptly derailing the meeting and asking the attendees if Agent Orange was, quote, that stuff from that movie. He did not initially name the film he was referencing, but it quickly became clear as

Trump kept rambling that he was referring to the classic 1979 Francis Ford Coppola epic Apocalypse Now, and specifically the famous helicopter attack scene set to ride of the Valkyries. Sources president at the time tell the Daily Beast that multiple people, including Vietnam War veterans, chimed in to inform the president that the Apocalypse Now set piece he was talking about showcased the U.S. military using napalm, not Agent Orange. Trump refused to accept that he was mistaken and proceeded to say things like, no, I think it's that stuff from that movie.

How can anyone have a conversation with this guy without punching him in the face? Just reading this is infuriating. No, I'm on Trump's side here. He's arguing, the guy he's arguing with him is the, it's called a mag, not a clip. No, they're two completely different things. What is it? It's a movie. It didn't happen.

He says, I love the smell of napalm in the morning. That's a lie in the goddamn film. Fucking made up fictional movie, neither to be talking about two fictional weapons. Actually, I'm going to correct Asa win here because the famous ride of the Valkyries scene was the helicopter attack on the village did not actually feature napalm. The famous napalm scene in Apocalypse Now is the very opening scene set to the doors. This is the end that shows a tree line igniting in a burst of gasoline. Preach.

That movie tries to trick you. It starts out with a song saying, this is the end. It's the beginning. Many try to fool you. I watched the entire movie. My first ride. The thing is, the real thing is he thinks they're the same thing. He doesn't know what either of them is and then his head, it's the same thing.

That's what it boils like. Listen to this. He then went around the room, polling attendees about it, if it was in fact napalm or Agent Orange in the famous scene from that movie. As the gathering organized to focus on sometimes life or death issues for veterans, descended into a pointless debate over Apocalypse Now, the president simply would not concede, despite all the available evidence. Finally, Trump made eye contact again with Weidman and asked him if it was napalm or

Agent Orange. The VVA co-founder assured Trump, as did several before him, that it was in fact napalm and he said he didn't like the Coppola film and believed it to be a disservice to Vietnam war veterans. According to two people in attendance, Trump then flippantly replied to the Vietnam vet, well, I think you just didn't like the movie before finally moving on. Remember when Obama said Corp's men instead of Corman to refer to a Marine medic and these guys all shit their pants until they died of dehydration and bloodshot out of their fucking

noses. This guy spent an entire meeting where they're supposed to be talking about these guys, these underserved veterans, lecturing a bunch of Vietnam veterans, a war he didn't fight in about a movie that he got wrong. What I love about this really, this does have a perfect echo with one of my favorite ongoing bits on Tim Heidecker and Greg Turkington's On Cinema, where Greg keeps insisting that Star Trek II was the one set in San Francisco, and then during Heidecker's trial, he gets the director of the film, Nicholas Meyer, to testify that it only, the beginning took

place in San Francisco, only a few scenes. I need to, I want to fucking get the technology to dig up Boldria, Bold, fuck, I'm never gonna pronounce this correctly, but yes, I want to fucking dig his ass up and fucking electrocute him back to life and say, Hey, bitch, you thought you were all edgy and genius brain for saying the Persian Gulf Gulf war didn't exist. Guess what, bitch? Vietnam didn't happen. Vietnam didn't happen.

Like everything's been so dissolved in the dying brains of the boomers who run this country and in the media that all we have are like misremembered references to filmic representations of what happened in our supposed history. Oh, he'd be a kid in a candy store if he were alive now. I mean, he lost his shit over 9-11, but imagine this. Yeah. It really is like perfect that this is about apocalypse now because Trump is Colonel Kurt. Like he's, he's just got like a throng of adoring villagers who's just like, just speaking

gibberish. Like that's him, him at the temple is just like, he's just making a speech and he's like, big bird, big bird, not good, very bad, and they're like, they think he's God. Like he can just get up there and say whatever. And I guess, uh, I guess the guy sent to kill him would be what? Like Jeff Flake. Robert Motherfucker. He obviously fails.

Yeah. Robert Mueller. But the thing is, is that because we have this like collapse of a shared reality and this radical splintering of, of, of worlds, like, yes, he is Kurt's with his villagers, but so is where everyone's a fucking, everyone is a, a worshiper of a Kurt's now because fucking Elon Musk is the same thing for different group of people, uh, you know, uh, this, this like figure that they all sort of in hush tones sit around and think is going to deliver them.

Everyone is just sitting at the, at the feet of this degenerate billionaire, uh, just blathering in his dot, his last like cogent moments and just nodding their heads because this is the only deliverance they can imagine or, or you're in a cargo cult and you have to express yourself by seeing the right type of movie and talking about how important it is. That's the other way of voting. Yes. Uh, two, two things about, uh, what we kept off the show with these two, these two Trump

sort of monologues and, uh, one, imagine being in like the alt-right or like right nationalist circles and being like, this is the guy that's going to save the white race or like reading this and being like, yeah, deus volt motherfucker, like we're bringing back the crusades or whatever. But I mean, who's a more accurate representation of European kings of old? That's true. This is what they were like. He's Habsburg as fuck. Uh, two, you brought the Mueller thing and like these Vietnam vet, all these veterans

groups who like, again, adore him because all he talked about was how great veterans are and how much he loves, you know, Vietnam orange and then they get the guy they want and then he just gratuitously degrades and insults them, which I think owns and I think frankly they deserve it. But more than that, this goes to the other thing I wanted to talk about the, the hand ringing that fucking occurred this week when he just revoked John Brennan security clearance and the fucking whales, the catarwalling of people being like, sir, revoke my security clearance too, sir.

I'm a man. I can take it. And it's just like, again, yeah, like all the people who hate Trump are holding out for another Vietnam veteran, Robert Mueller, another dead-eyed psycho cop to fucking bail us out or John Brennan, the former head of the fucking CIA. And you're mad that this guy got his, as I described it, his subscription to secrets magazine canceled by the president. My favorite of all was a general McRaven.

The guy fucking Skahill has written a whole book about his like, JSOC is this kind of like army within the army. That's just a global assassination program. I don't use the JSOC. I use a reg. McRaven, who again, people are touting him as possibly running for president, which is a fucking scary thing. McRaven did the whole like revoke my security clearance, sir.

Again, all the liberals, they all love this shit. They love it. And I'm saying in the way, only the way that only Nixon could go to China, only Trump could get, like just blatantly get away with just straight up insulting five-star generals. That would, again, it's as hack as whatever Matt brought it up before, but imagine if Obama had just told like McRaven to just lick his asshole or like basically equivalent of what Trump is doing to these people. And the headline I saw was like, you know, McRaven, the five-star general who was, you

know, commanded the bin Laden raid. And I'm like, oh, wow, he commanded the raid that existed of a Pakistani secret intelligence telling him the literal address he was staying at, then shutting down all their air defenses so they could fly in like 20 helicopters, still crash one of them, and then just air a hole some guy who was in bed, Netflixing and chilling. I'm like, wow, wow, wow, man, I'm dialysis. Yeah. It's like you tied a guy to a chair, then stubbed your toe on a coffee table on your

way to punch him and you're like, yeah, I just knocked that guy the fuck out. You didn't even have to shoot him. You could just unplug the machine he was hooked up to. So why do these guys, why do these top level guys still have security clearance even after the return? This is what was stunning to me is that, yeah, all of these guys, all of these former like intelligence community people or generals or like anyone involved in this shit, they all keep the security clearance after they've left government and gone into the private

sector. And I'm saying like, dude, we're paying for this shit. Like it should be revoked immediately. The reason they do it is so that they can be valuable in the private sector, either as talking heads or as lobbyists or as defense lobbyists. That was the explanation that I heard that I found absolutely dumbfounding was like, sir, John Brennan needs that security clearance so we can go on cable news and provide accurate information to the public.

It's just like, no, that's the opposite of what a security clearance is. I'm saying what cable news is. Yeah. Yeah. Lots of really razor sharp analysis. Well, they said the idea that they're supposed to, I don't know, like be helpful, like the president can call them up at some point. Well, they got a billion fucking assholes in the national security.

That's what I'm saying. You don't need these fucking 90 year old fossils. These guys are like Matthew McConaughey and fast times. They just going back to high school. I keep getting older and these kids in Pakistan stay the same age forever if you get what I mean. Remember when they, remember they revoked Sandy Burger security clearance? Yeah.

So he was caught literally taking files out of the National Archives. That's true. Yes. He said it was for his book or some shit. Some. Yeah. I mean, I think he was trying to cover up just whatever the fuck. All the murders.

Clean administration. Yeah. All the murders. But all, yeah. All these like former CIA ghouls, they all have the same balding pattern. They all have the same like self serious bullshit attitude. You almost wish you had fucking creeps from the Cold War like Ted Shackley and Spooky Robert Carlucci, Spooky Robert Carlucci, just these dead eyed freaks who just like clearly

just had serial killer personalities and got slaughtered and embezzled billions like the guy who sold all that Semtex to fucking Libya. That awesome guy. Instead you have these assholes who like legitimately think they're doing a good job, who legitimately think they're saving the world and they all, yeah, they trade off their security clearance to like work for companies called like global consulting solutions incorporated. So their kids can go to the new school and make a fucking, make a one man show called like love unrealized or some shit.

It's just that it's, I mean, yeah, it should be revoked for all of them. Why don't know why this is a thing? Why? So they can like come into work on a weekend. They're doing temp work for the director of the CIA. They like their kid had the flu and they're like, oh dude, I'm filling in today. He's just, he's going into special activities division and playing heads up seven up with all the drone operators.

Are you fucking kidding me? It's literally just so they can go on Rachel Maddow and be like, the situation is both more volatile and less predictable than it ever has been. Or like, right, or right, like telling Henry Kissinger where to find Melange. Like that's it. Yeah. But again, like this is a point that we keep coming back to again and again, just these fucking resistance suckers who just, again, they love anyone in the fucking CIA or military

as long as they are willing to say how dare you serve us Trump, like John Brennan, like he was Obama's head. I'm sorry. Anyone who works at the CIA, I just write them off. Anyone who volunteered to fucking John Brennan once claimed John Brennan once claimed under oath that no civilians were killed in drone strikes. I trust this guy to save America. Okay.

He's security clearance back so he can figure out if he was right or wrong. Yeah. Moving on from Trump's adversaries in the CIA and Joint Chiefs or whatever to, I think, his opponents that are way more powerful than these fucking goofies. Let's be honest, ineffectual, lame, pathetic. Let's talk about two heroes who are really bringing the fight to Trump, talking of course about the brothers Krasenstein, Ed and Brian Krasenstein. I can't believe, I think this is actually maybe the first time we brought them up on

our show. Because they are the most Cohen brothers ass characters in the entire resistance, even more so than a Garland, I would say. More so than Dow. Yeah. They're incredible. It's astounding. And I don't like, you should not hate these guys, by the way.

Don't like troll them. Don't try to be fucking epic with them. It's not that good. You're recycling something you saw in 2013, so like a girl whose avi is half of her face will DM you. It's not going to happen, buddy. What? You're not going to have sex on Twitter.

No one's going to think you're epic. But you know who is epic? These guys. These guys are actually gifted posters. I swear to God, my fucking timeline for two years is just, you know, screenshots of two articles side by side or like people yelling at headlines or like life comes at you fast. And then you have these two guys who remember why we all came to the internet to express yourself.

They're, let's explore the facts. Single digit body fat. That's number one. That's the first reason you should respect them. They are incredibly yo. They're crazy trash. Yeah. I mean, we'll get to why that's important in a second, but Felix, continue.

Number two, they're shirtless all the time and it's awesome. Frankly, I'm here for it. They're fucking shirtless all the time. Number three, they will never let anything slide. That's, you know what, the thing that ruined the internet, part one, one, part one, money. I know we're hypocrites monetizing everything took the soul out of everything, but number two is that people couldn't admit when they were mad. That's when the soul started to leave it, but the crassest teens, you say anything negative

about them. They will, they'll fucking email you. They'll call you. They'll send it to, they'll just come to your house and be like, you have mischaracterized what my brother and I have done. And first of all, because the thing we're talking about to this week, they wrote a book. They wrote a children's book. So did we.

Yeah. About, about Donald Trump and it's called how the people trumped Ronald Plum. Plum. Yeah. Felix, feel us to your point about how if you say anything about them, they'll email you immediately. No bullshit. Ed emailed Catherine this morning to complain about an article.

Yeah, he wrote, he fucking rules, like, so they wrote, they wrote this fucking children's book with illustrations they got from Fiverr, from like some fucking confused guy in Southeast Asia who like doesn't have a functioning economy because of American imperialism and climate change and their only way he can feed his family is these two severely ill brothers are like, can you draw the president as a ferret and also make him fat? And they drew this and in the book, Robert Mueller is Robert moral, moral is just jacked. Not as jacked as the brothers, right? He's a jacked just like muscle pyramid with a bow tie.

He looks like a chip. He looks like an old Chippendales dancer or Vince McMahon when he would wrestle and he's shirtless. No one else is shirtless. He just has the collar. Yeah. That's the Chippendales look, which is really weird. You want a piece of my heart real quick, Ed emailed Catherine and then followed her immediately

on Twitter. So soon to be sliding in the DMs, I'm sure, Alpha move, I'll put on future throw away. Honestly, I am worried. I mean, I've seen a guy without his shirt on every picture. We should we should explain. We should give a little. Yeah, I need to go to the background. I want to get into the children's book that they wrote and their spectacular meltdown

on the only background you need to know is that these are like, you know, the guys who reply to every Trump tweet with like tick tock. Yeah. That's Mueller looking at his clock way to arrest you. But like most of those sock, they're not atours. The Crassistines are because they'll reply to Trump and be like, truth. Right. Trump Trump will have a tweet that's like, looks like Nelly or didn't have her dinner

party this Saturday. How sad? Not really. And then like just, you know, the brain fucking spasm that makes no sense where you don't know any of the proper downs. And then the Crassistines, who are these two fucking yoked brothers who look CGI are like, the only dinner party you're going to be going to is one in jail. Boom.

Retweet for truth. The amazing thing to be is that it's become common to refer to a lot of these people in the resistance as grifters, the idea that they are manipulating the popular opposition to Trump towards their own ends. But the Crassistines are unique in that they have a literal history of being actual con artists. You're convicted. But they had hundreds of thousands of dollars that they had, yes, millions of dollars that

they had had invested with them confiscated by the FBI, so we like the FBI now. So here's what they did basically. They didn't run a pyramid scheme. They ran a website or network of websites that reviewed pyramid scheme and they would think they had a big message board for what's it called, multi-level marketing and shit. And they had hundreds of domain names and they would get advertising from multi-level marketing scams. And then the FBI went to them and they raided their house and they took all their files

and they took all their money and said, you know, this is tantamount to running a scheme. But I believe they did get off because of the safe harbor provisions. Fuck the fuck 12, fuck the feds. Feds did a sweep. Feds did a sweep. I'm actually getting mad defending the Crassistines. But here I go. Okay.

First of all, how is that more evil than anything that anyone, even like an Edward Jones, even like a brokerage rolled people does? Number two, they're fucking, the FBI agents are jealous of them. Number three, I think it's, the brother Ed has delts that are just the size of a fucking cantaloupe, amazing, fucking awesome, he looks solid and fucking tight dog. So number, Brian has a v-taper just cut by Michelangelo. Number five, the FBI agents are high in body fat or have a weird skinny fat build you have from going to a firing range twice a week.

They suck. They're either like stupid Long Island Guido's who like only work out their biceps and now their guts are coming in and they make up a football injury to justify why they're fat now. Or they're Mormons who can't get ripped because they're not allowed to take pre-workout. And they saw these brothers who were just miracles with science and genes. Let's be honest. They have good genes because you don't get a waist like that, you can't train to get

a waist like that. That's just natural. There's nothing. No, I'm not saying anything. I just like, I can admire the male form, but numbers, number, number, number six. Okay. So they were reviewing these MLMs. Okay.

I think they probably actually kept a lot more people safe than if they didn't run the website. And finally, they're lucky that the Crassistines weren't fucking carrying that day because I guarantee you they would have beaten the FBI in a gunfight. That's the end. Well, the one last thing about them, they also like their other big like foothold into sort of massive online popularity is that they did own and manage the single largest Justin Bieber fan site or message board for a while there too.

They're on the grind. They're awesome. They're digital entrepreneurs, so their next big thing after the MLM thing, fellow Bart, was cryptocurrency and they became like cryptocurrency expert guys online. Crass and coin. And I guess in the midst of doing that, this is my assumption, in the midst of doing that, they maybe just started tweeting about Trump and it started taking off because these are the kind of people who follow like 500,000 people on Twitter and get enough followbacks.

So they pivoted and they made up some fake news website that all it does is like run articles by them or or praising them. The Ron and Dodd press and playtime is fun. So now they're resistance leader guys. Well, I mean, like, they're so cool. As folks would say, they really are like the king of the presidential tweet reply. Like they are the kings of that. They're the kings of that.

Like everyone else is copying them in a piss poor impression of the Crass and Steens. Now, now they're coming around. So they're like their next big thing is that they've become children's book authors. And they are they are promoting this book, something I think we can relate to. First I believe first they tried to kickstart it and I think the Kickstarter failed. Did they let that stop them? No. The Virgin.

Yeah. Let me do media appearances and plug this book on my podcast. The Chad. I'm fucking naked. Here's my book. So, so, yeah, the book is called it's like a I think they've described it as a children's book with stuff that adults can enjoy, too. So I feel like adventure time.

It's the book that will just frighten and confuse the awful unfortunate children of these incredibly unhappy resistance people. Well, doctor, look at the other people that wrote children's book. OK, Richard scary is a social fascist that everyone should be forced into work. He's a stressor. He's a stressor. He believes basically Nazism with health care. Not good.

And then then we have Dr. Seuss. He was racist. Rolled all actual fascists. Actual fascists. The guy wrote Winnie the Pooh ruined his son's life. And now you have these two brothers who just have given joy to everyone they've come across and you're like, oh, yeah, this will be bad for kids. Really?

Really? Do you think? Or do you think that they're going to like see the wonderful brains and magnetic charisma of these two brothers and grow up to be entrepreneurs and low body fat themselves? I just don't want to see. I just don't imagine these kids are going to have a good response to the Steve Bannon hat ferret man. It's like, yeah.

So which, by the way, very current reference. I guess this was all planned out like two years ago. And the premise of the book is Ronald Plump is he's so mad. He's Donald Chase. I'm asshole. And one day the Steve Bannon fair. I don't know what the funny name. It's like a squirrel.

It's like it's to pay Steve Bannon and like six on his head and, you know, like controls him like a like a. Like ratatouille. I've never saw ratatouille. It looks despicable. It's fine. It's awful. The concept of a rat cooking my food, that's a nightmare, frankly.

Spoiler alert. That movie ends with people, human beings going to an all rat restaurant. No, never. Yeah. That's every restaurant in France. There's this horrifying sort of humanoid, but not really race in the movie ratatouille called the French. It's a little too twisted for me.

Well, I mean, the side party had the book hasn't come out yet. And you're talking about, yeah, this is some effective because the book isn't even out yet. And this thing has already had two cycles on Twitter of people talking about it because of different pages getting leaked. One was him Trump, the Trump character having a basically a rape sack that he threw women into. And he throws the Elizabeth Warren caricature in it.

Yes. And then she just skates. Yeah. And then so that people are like, dude, there's a rape sack and a children's book that's kind of fucked up. And they're like, actually, no, sir, you're mischaracterizing. But now people have pointed out that the Robert Morrill character, the Mueller who presumably in the book saves the day is this yoked old man with no shirt on.

Yeah. This is what I want to talk about. So the, the, the, the Mueller character is people putting on the book, they've chosen to portray him as a sort of he man figure. It was this sort of shirtless, barrel chested, like big muscled guy, which by the way, if Robert Mueller is going to save us, it's not going to be with fucking indictments. He's just going to get in a room with Trump and then later on claim that he, he tried to hit him with a broom hand.

Real FBI hours, Jesus Christ. So people started to make, make fun of them because of the Robert Morrill. Because they're jealous. Yeah. Because everyone, no one on Twitter has happy relationships like the Crestines. They probably don't talk to their siblings as opposed to Brian and Ed, who do literally everything together. They ride a tandem bike everywhere they go.

They're like 40 years old and they like live in the same house. I mean, they're like, they're the more cool version of the ATL twins. Dude, they are the ying-yang twins. Hey, mama, let me whisper something in your ear. Robert Mueller has an indictment. Donald Trump won't like to hear. So I think it was that guy Lachlan from the Daily Beast was like, you know, why is Robert Mueller like a Chippendales dancer?

And then they started, like they started going into this whole thing where they started posting images of other shirtless comic characters like Wolverine, The Hulk, and then just other random shirtless things. So you mean they used logic to defeat the other guy's point. Yeah. You have a problem with that? You know? Like this is just like a standard trope in comic books.

He's a superhero. He's a superhero, right? A shirtless superhero. And then it devolved into a whole thing where they began to defend just, they were like, the concept of shirtless. The concept, they thought people were attacking them for having someone shirtless in a children's book. And then defending just the concept of being shirtless around your children.

And then they started posting photos of their beautifully, beautifully ripped torsos having fun with their kids. Like, can I just say every picture of Ed Krasenstein, including his avatar, every time I see it, it looks digitally generated in some way. He's like a Max Ed Room. No, no. That's not digital generated. First of all, abs are made in the kitchen, not CGI lab.

Well, Max Ed Room wasn't CGI, interestingly. Yeah. He's just an ugly guy, weird. But he made the greatest tweet of all time for this year, I guess, which is, I'm not afraid of letting my son see shirtless men. Are you? Which is like, that's so alpha, like he just turns it around on him, like everyone's yelling. Everyone's like, ah, you fucking freak.

Oh yeah, I'll never be shirtless because my torso looks like tapioca. I'm not a fucking ripped resistor like you. And he's like, yeah, guess what? I'm not afraid to let my kids see a torso because they're going to be as jacked as me one day. And people are like, oh, he says, oh, you the underlying premise of your idea is that a kid shouldn't see a shirtless man. That's an absurd premise.

And he has exposed it. Yeah. Dude, he fucking pulled their covers. He kicks ass. One more here from Ed. He says, I love how people are trying to attack Krasenstein and I for including a muscular superhero in our kids book saying it's a quote fetish picture book. I guess it's wrong for the whole key man and Ninja Turtles to all be muscular heroes

to check it out. I mean, like I'm again, now I am jealous that they have what a good job they've done marketing this book. Yeah. And then they included a photo of Robert Morrill again, arms crossed, looking as ripped as they are. The end of the book is just him standing on a hill and it says dedicated to the future of America are children in the world's children.

The end. Look at that. It ends with a hopeful message. It ends with a hopeful message. What is it? Our book has a hopeful message. Every episode of our show ends with like, well, got about 40 more years left of this world.

And then we just we all just fucking do the Virgin Walk out of Will's apartment and we're like, uh, got a book I won't buy more mango jewel pods. None of us will ever be shirtless. None of us will ever have kids. And these guys are just like, yes, let's go America has a future for some reason they have hope. Like they're like Donald Trump about how, you know, Cole is in destruct like how Donald Trump is enthusiastic about Cole.

They are about America and it rocks and just playing rocks. I think these guys are so awesome because they they have sort of the Trump break. They have the brain where it's like they can't feel embarrassed. Yeah. And you need that to fight him. That's what you're never going to beat him with your, oh, I'm sorry. Oh, oh, I'm very embarrassed by my mess. They should run the crassest teens.

They should. Look, the Polish has always been ahead of us by having twins be like president and vice president. That's true. The tusks. So, like, why don't we try to be like our more advanced European cousins and run the crassest teens? Because they're like the only people left in America with any type of passion.

Now that Dan Quinn's in jail and Demonia's ex is like too depressed to upload YouTube. They're the only ones left. Um, I'd like to think that there are pockets of passion elsewhere. There are all sucks, but them. There are. Well, you know, I'm, I'm feeling pretty enlivened by, uh, by life and, uh, times these days. And when was the last fucking time you took your shirt off to win an argument? Probably never in your life.

Yeah. Yes. Defeated again by logic. Yeah. One more. One more. It was a very classic, not mad. One, one more.

One more. One more. The crash. Fair point. I'm never taking my shirt off. So they got. So you'll never actually win an argument. Yeah, you're right.

No, they're, they're playing off the Scotty Burberry playbook. I loved the 18 tweets that I thought was amazing in the, in the vein of it's okay for children to see shirtless men, they shared that photo of Obama on vacation, like stepping out of the ocean. It was like really popular for a while and he was like, okay, Lachlan, I guess you're saying that no child should ever see this photo of Obama every child should see this photo of Obama. It should be like in schools and stuff.

This would be posters of, uh, yeah, the, uh, you know, who has never taken his shirt off in his life. Donald fucking. That's true. showers with his fucking with his dress shirt on. Yeah, I mean, did you remember this is, I'm now remembering classic Crescistine. It was like some MAGA guy like replied to the Crescistine

and was like, oh yeah, you have all this time to tweet. What about raising your kids? And then Ed, I think, posted a video where he's just like, it takes me 30 seconds to tweet. Then I have all the rest of the day for this. And it just him shoot like in a bathing suit, like doing a full 720 jump, holding his song. He's like, who took that video?

Like, what was the, like he literally took that video to argue with like, you know, MAGA Trump, uncle 1985. Yeah, and I remember that because that was when I first realized that one of them at least was incredibly fucking jacked. How the fuck are these dorks that muscular? And I thought, well, maybe the other one isn't. Maybe it's like a Schwarzenegger, Danny DeVito type

situation. But then I saw the other pictures the other day and no, dueling fucking just a Donis body. Dude, it's astounding. If you took the, if you took like Ed or Brian's obliques, you just had them lay down. You shoved an avocado in there. You could make guacamole.

It's like one of the stone bowls. It just rock hard. Felix, now I'm thinking about a classic Krasnstein. Krasnstein comedy classic. Let me be blunt. Is there a multi-level marketing crisis in America? And then the CEO of her real life is like, depends on what you mean by crisis.

They're, they're absolute shit. Like they're the only real original posters left. So I want to read, I want to read one line from the book that one of the, one of the Krasnstein's just, just posted. Instead of fists, weapons and rage, the resistance hatched a clever plan backstage. We'll use logic sense and reason. One said to confuse the squirrel and remove him

from plump's head. And then, okay, guess who isn't in the fucking White House anymore, Steve Bannon. Logic sense and reason. That's their book. The Krasnstein's are undefeated. They've never been arrested. I want to point that out again.

Fuck the feds, fuck 12, fuck silver forfeiture. The Krasnstein's are right. They're all right. They're fucking pimps. They're unstoppable. And they're happier than anyone on my timeline. What's up? If you want to book that exhaust logic sense and reason,

go buy the Krasnstein's children's book. Give it to your awful future child, awful child. Your nephew, your niece. Give it to your wife's child. But if you want to, if you want to book against logic sense and reason and facts, check out the Chapel Trap House Guide to Revolution coming out today.

Okay, if you want to use a sleeping bag as a duvet for the rest of your life, by all means, buy our book. But if you want to, if you want to wake up, you make your kids like an egg white omelet, you reply to like a Vietnam veteran to go like, I actually spend more time with my kids than anyone. It's very easy for me to tweet. Here's a video of me slam dunking a basketball

with my son on a baby bjorn on my back. Buy the Krasnstein book. Felix continuing to surprise with the people you will lionize, going from the Clinton people, the Clinton remoras to the Krasnstein's now. But you know what? I'm here for it. And I think you've convinced me.

They're cool. Like they are fucking cool. The more that you actually think about it, the more you realize that they're fucking awesome. I would like to transition now to another guy who's awesome, a longtime friend of the show. I really, I needed to bring this up on today's show. Friend of the show, Dan McLaughlin, still cranking hard,

folks, the baseball crank. Still cranking after all these years. The baseball crank, man, he entered this news cycle in a truly spectacular way this over the weekend. Obviously, Aretha Franklin just passed away. And wouldn't you know it? The task of writing her obituary for the national review landed with one Mr. Crank.

How would William F. Buckley react to hearing that they're talking about race music in his magazine? Well, Dan McLaughlin, AKA the baseball crank, did it in a way that is just so perfectly befitting the national review that it like almost blinkers the imagination, but I'm so glad he did it. In his obituary for Aretha Franklin, he states and makes a big point of, you know, of contention.

He states, Aretha Franklin was a great singer, but objectively not as good a vocalist as Kelly Clarkson. That's one of the most. Kelly Clarkson. That's more racist than just wearing a shirt that says the N-word on it. That's one of the most racist things. In the beginning of Die Hard of the Vengeance. That's what Simon made Bruce Willis do,

is go to Harlem and tell people that Kelly Clarkson is a better singer than Aretha Franklin. That's incredible. That's incredible. Again, like, this is just so perfect for the net. I'm not going to read the article, because I mean, there's nothing there. That is all you need to know about it. He says that Kelly Clarkson is the greatest.

Excuse me, but not just Kelly Clarkson. Linda Ronstadt. Linda Ronstadt, too. Linda Ronstadt's good. She's a great singer. Again, not as great. I think even Kelly Clarkson and Linda Ronstadt would probably say they're not as good as Aretha Franklin. Aretha Franklin may be like the greatest American singer of all time, and he's like...

Obviously. Have you heard of Justin Guarini? Again, I think it's just so apropos for the national review that they truly cannot let the achievement of any black person be noted without stating that it's inferior in some way to whites. Oh, Bo Jackson, one of the greatest natural athletes of all time. Have you heard of Joe Namath?

That's like literally what this is. Like, this is just... I just thought I'd kick you right now. That's just a shocking level of racism. It's just a high, high-level achievement being done at the national review. I mean, I just said the other week that the federalist is just outpacing, just lapping all of these

soggy, moribund institutions. But, man, I saw that baseball crank a bituary, and I was like, they still got it. Baseball crank is real, and more appropriately, we'll find a white basketball player for this. But, you know, they're down, and he just sinks the three. Clutch. Clutch player. Yeah, I needed to mention that about baseball crank,

because I mean, I am such a big fan of his. But this is actually a good segue into the reading series for this week, where this comes courtesy of another racial issue broached in a very sensitive and nuanced manner by John Potthoritz. John Potthoritz, you may know as commentary magazine, the son of Norman Potthoritz and Midge Dexter.

Midge Dexter. But you probably are mostly familiar with him as the big dumb fatso who has meltdowns on Twitter when his snippers hamburger order isn't delivered promptly enough. I've made sweet treats for having to eat five minutes to stuff my gullet. I love every, every restaurant,

like every step of his life is just coded with indignities. So like every restaurant he ever orders from is called like, schmock's wacky hamburgers. Oh, do you want, do you want some of Goofy's pancakes? So he's just angry all the time, but he's like, he's like, oh, McGillicuddy's goofy eatery, my treats were three to 30 minutes late, sir. Well, there was that amazing thing where he said,

he talked about how he went to some restaurant and he had, he had a reservation, but then it took him like, it was like five minutes after he got there and they hadn't seated him yet because he'd taken his insulin already and needed to eat before he passed out or something. And he goes to the, to the waiter D and he goes, excuse me, where's my, where's my table?

He's like, what, you just got here, settle down. And he's like, I can't believe you're talking to this thing. And he basically just says, fuck you, get out of here. They're rules. Yeah, he's just, he's just constantly humiliated by chains called like, but just by extremely minor inconveniences, everyone faces. Yeah, but no, he deserves his treats.

He's an August man of letters and he deserves his treats. Those letters are XX and L. No, someone not, he was freaking out at a matriot D, was in a Yelp review, the account that posted it got suspended, thank you Twitter, thanks Jack, but someone found in the same Yelp review comments section, someone replying to John P's review of 44 and X, Hell's Kitchen, he goes, you're funny.

It goes, I was sitting right behind you. This is grossly inaccurate. You embarrassed yourself in front of everyone by being an asshole to that host for no reason. There were three people seated at the bar and the restaurant was not empty. It was being arranged for another seating. You screamed at him, not the other way around.

You left and he received applause, food for thought. So he like, he literally can't go anywhere without anyone laughing at him, but it's always his fault. Like it just, I mean, he is that nightmare customer though. He is, if you've ever worked in service, you have dealt with the John Bedorets, but he's an entitled little shithead,

just the worst kind of thing that America produces. Now, you know, my portal into this week's reading series with John embarrassed himself yet again, when he tweeted under the hashtag share your rejection that his high school crush when he asked her out said, no, I prefer black guys with big muscles. And it's just like, even if that story is true, which I kind of doubt, why would you share that public?

Why were you compelled to share your rejection, John? Keep in mind that this guy's father, Norman's most famous essay, the most popular thing that this guy's ever written was an article called Our Negro Problem and Mine. So it's a family tradition here. So we've gotten sort of a rough sketch of John Potthoritz through his angry Yelp comments

and sort of stroke inducing Twitter spasms because his treats haven't been delivered promptly. He really is an A plus level treat boy. I mean, you've got to give him that. He's like an all star treat. He's the original snack man. That's Felix Coyne the term, talking to Padera. So I decided for this week,

we would do a little bit of a dive into the life and times of John Potthoritz. Courtesy of a profile of him from a years back that ran in New York magazine by Hannah Rosen called Edipitz and Potthoritz. And there is some just absolute gems in this piece. So I'd like to begin now. The first thing you notice about John Potthoritz,

the new editor of the New York Posts editorial page is that he's constantly moving. I highly doubt that, Hannah. Well, I mean, you know how like Jello or like the C moves. Well, I read that first. He's constantly vibrating. I read that first line and I was like, really, Hannah? But then the second line immediately clarifies it.

And it says, if his hands are not pushing up the sleeves of his fine cotton shirt, they're rolling a pen halfway across the desk, then rolling it back again. That's the movement she's talking about. Damn, a natural athlete. His startling blue eyes dart from the door to the phone to someplace out the window, then back to the door again.

So he just has ADD, basically. Or he ordered food. Yeah, his eyes are darting to the window, trying to see. He's just the intercepting delivery man who aren't delivering his order. God, you need to give that to me. I need a meal in between my other meal. It says, he came back to New York,

the city where he grew up, after two and a half years in Washington as deputy editor of the Weekly Standard, a place he expected to spend his whole life. I worked as someone's deputy, and now it's time for me to run something, he says. Why is it time for you to run something? He's fucking little.

He's a nerd. He put his time in. It's time for me to run. It's my time. It's time for me to. It's Johnny's time to ride the train. Mom said it's my turn to play magazine. It's time for me to run my own shop.

That someone is Bill Crystal, Washington's best known Republican commenter. The two started the magazine together, but it became Bill's magazine. He didn't do anything to make that happen, explains Pod Horitz. He's just a major American celebrity. What he's saying here is,

I didn't do anything to make it my magazine because I'm a lazy, entitled shit. He lost, this fucking guy lost a inner office politics maneuvering to fucking Bill Crystal. A guy who's got his head stuck in a pickle jar for a grand total of four weeks of his life. Another fucking shithead, just a nepotism case.

When you play the game of thrones, either you win or you get hungry and slink away and make your own magazine. I mean, when we had when we had Alex Lohanoff, you know, and to talk about Charles Krauthammer, RIP, by the way. I mean, he said like Krauthammer as a kid, like that's just this guy.

Like the neocon. Yeah, like playbook is just have it. Have have have a dumb goblin like child who will carry on your work when you become too senile or infirm to keep writing my Negro problem over and over again. So he goes here, coming to New York will allow Pod Horitz

to step out of Crystal's large shadow while taking along certain of his lessons. Pod Horitz plans to import the standards cheerful vision of conservatism to the New York Post, a vision personified by the charming ways of Bill Crystal. It's time to view the conservative movement as in his ascendancy, Pod Horitz explains, and not fighting the rear guard.

This is all really funny because conservatism absolutely is in ascendancy right now and completely left behind these assholes like Crystal and Pod Horitz. Totally irrelevant. Because they've found a guy who's an even fatter, dumber, more vile, cruel person than they are. And he's in the captive now.

Sorry, John. So yeah, it goes on to talk a little bit about his upbringing, but the second part is really where it gets good. John and the other children of neocons, Crystal is the son of Irving Crystal and Gertrude Himmelfarb. Gertrude Himmelfarb. Are often referred to as the mini cons, the label misleads.

Shade! Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, Hannah Rosen. When these guys... Just steeping that tea right around, man. It's really like steeping tallow. Making candles.

When these guys sit around the Journal of Ideas, they sit around the Journal of Ideas. So it goes here, Pod Horitz went to a Columbia prep, then headed to the University of Chicago. He, like many other conservatives of his generation, studied with Alan Bloom. Fresh out of college, the young Pod Horitz took a job as a researcher at time.

Standard grunt work for an aspiring journalist. Everything he does is grunt work. Oh, I need another meal of just 10 minutes of staring at the same piece of paper. I need a hamburger from Snookle's dad. After a little more than a year, the grunt work grew old. He asked for a promotion to writer and was turned down. This made him suspicious.

He wasn't really turned down as much as he was just effortlessly rolled down a hill. He was turned down. He was there for a year and asked to be a full-time writer. And then he said he was turned down and it made him suspicious. The reason I was given was this. I was too young, he writes in an essay. In fact, he was all of 22 at the time.

The reason I was not given was this. I was too conservative. Just absolutely perfect, spotless mind of conservative victimhood. It's not that you're a- I'm a 22-year-old fancy lad, dumbass, who never did anything in his fucking life. But I have it coming.

And if it isn't mine, then it's just because people are too close-minded. Yeah, Pod Horitz lives in the movie Dead Presidents. Like, he's the protagonist of Dead Presidents. He gets back from Nahum, which is being at university in Chicago, and he's like, no one respects him. I'm like, just they're calling me baby killer. They're making me wait to get my hamburgers.

Like, I gotta make some moves. Since then, Pod Horitz has skipped from job to job, staying at none for much more than 18 months. He has worked mostly at conservative publications, editing and writing for The Washington Times, and Insight Magazine, as well as working for Time and briefly US News and World Report. He was the New York Post television critic for a year

and spent nine months in the White House. Going on here, it says, John Pod Horitz has inherited his father's literary narcissism, but without the ideological vigor. Instead, he decided early on his model would be Robert Warshow, a movie reviewer for commentary in the 50s. The rest of us were interested in boring topics,

like foreign policy, says his friend Daniel Kass. John only wanted to talk about movies and television. Relatable. So, his parents spent their life at war with communism. The younger Pod Horitz has spent much of his life at war with sitcoms. And spen stares. For five years on and off, Pod Horitz wrote a column

for the conservative, Mooney-owned newspaper, The Washington Times, in which he lived out the banal life of a 20-something on the page, one of America's first pathetic, solipsistic Gen Xers. Around The Washington Times offices, the column was often read out loud in Pod Horitz's absence for comic value

in a ritual famously called Pod and Freud. This is at a conservative newspaper, with the only place he could get a job, and the only people who have the constitution necessary to even be in the same room with this asshole in the first place, all did nothing but make fun of him. This is behind his back. A guy who is not respected or liked

by even his conservative colleagues. I do wonder, though, if he, you know, this sounds like it was tough for him, but I hope he finally got some pleasure when he got Pee Wee Herman's bike. I just, I love that, like, he was, of course, he was a shitty, narcissistic, first-person, essayist, culture writer.

It's not a woke thing, it's just a narcissistic. He was just every, everyone you don't like now, that's him. It has nothing to do with ideology. It's just being, like, just a shallow and empty person, like this. No subject was too trivial to share with readers. Topics included his trip to an amusement park.

Well, they would not let me ride that roller coaster there. An embarrassing time stuck in the inner, dude. As a conservative at Bozo World. His hatred of household pets, his love of Jell-O, conversations with his imaginary friend, he recounted events in mind-numbing detail. Quote, I missed the 2.30 shuttle,

so I had to wait for the 3.30 shuttle. I arrived in Washington at 5.15. He'd also do things like type, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, apropos of nothing. One column ended with Pat Horitz. This is without question the dumbest column you've ever written.

Stop it now. I don't think that was an interjection from him. I think that was an editor's note that made it into the final copy. But yeah, no, he's writing sex in all camps. Over and over again, strange. Pat Horitz is best when he writes about popular culture on its own terms.

When he tones down the rant, this vast database of trivia can make him a charming critic. But when he strays into politics, he gets cruder, plugging the cultural trivia into his grand, pre-packaged ideology. Hmm, again, what does that sound like now it is? I don't know.

He's written on the success of Ellen, means liberals consider homosexuality the defining issue of the day. This is my favorite. In an article called Dole, the GOP, and the Genetically Endowed, Pat Horitz argues that the arrival of a new crop of blondes with Rachel from Friends' Hairstyles

meant that the conservative movement was revived. Quote, the 22-year-olds look like winners because they are. They are eye-catching. They speak well. They are quick, if not deep. They have bestowed their bounty on the GOP in the service of conservatism. Not surprisingly, the blondes were not amused.

If this is his sweet way of asking all of us for a date, it has failed, as have his direct attempts in the past, one wrote. Pat Horitz blames his reputation on Lisa McCormick. He hates her line of spices. The salt's too spicy for him. I can barely taste the hamburger. If it makes it difficult to gorge.

I have to stop and drink water instead of gorge. Some of us have an allergy to celery salt. Lisa McCormick, one of the writers at the Washington Times, he liked least. But after about 20 interviews- We can't believe that he would have problems with a female coworker. This doesn't sound like my boy.

But after about 20 interviews, as many of the people who worked with Pat Horitz over the years, props to Hannah Rosen. God. For doing the reporting on this. Imagine just looking at a turd through a jeweler's leg. Yeah. It's clear McCormick is just one

of the few brave enough to speak. If you misplaced a comma, he would tell you you were a no talent dirt ball, McCormick says. He was even mean to interns. Among the staff, she has earned the half joking nickname Eli Weisel for speaking up for the victims. So he's, yeah. You know, better, first of all,

better at dirt ball than a meat ball. But it just like, I like how he says talent. Like he thinks he's gotten this far because of talent. He literally thinks that he's such an asshole. He's like, man, I'm the shit. He has never written a memorable phrase. Expression, there's no, he has no notable columns that anyone remembers.

He has never written a word that has been memorable for more than the second it takes to read it. Well, the only memorable things he's written are like complaining about his treats, talking about his like early onset racial anxieties and like Yelp reviews in his actual writing. His actual writing is just like, it's that regular NRO pullover called like

the Elaine Benes election. I don't know. His column, our Hamburglar problem in mind is. Yeah. First of all, Noid means ignorant person. He's the only book of his that I that of any note whatsoever was a polemic supporting George W. Bush in 2004 called Bush Country, how W became a great president

while driving liberals insane. They've since changed the cover on this book, but I remember in my diseased blogosphere brain that the original cover of it had George W. Bush like rolling up his sleeve to reveal a giant flexing forearm like Ben Garrison shit before that was even a thing. So just finishing up here, it says here at the times,

Pod Horace was quote permanently frozen in juvenilia as one older writer put it. Also syrup. Working with writers sometimes twice his age and resenting it. When a writer would challenge Pod Horace, he would say, I've worked for six magazines. How many have you worked for?

I've been fired five times, sir. I've gotten seven menus in this neighborhood alone changed. So basically this is, he's answering the question, what if Wyatt Koch wanted to be in magazines instead of fashion? There was an enormous gap between the power he had and his view of himself says a former colleague. Again, just think about that snippers meltdown

and how perfectly it encapsulates. Half an hour, this type of person. Burger has been ordered. One other person spoke on the record. The Miami Herald Central American bureau chief, Glenn Garvin was at first friends with Pod Horace when he was at the times, but ultimately his astounding self centeredness

made it difficult to maintain a friendship says Garvin. Pod Horace once talked for 20 minutes at an editorial meeting about when he might get his own private office. On the subject of himself, he has no sense of humor says Garvin, recalling seeing a letter Pod Horace once wrote the University of Chicago

saying he would no longer support the institution because it had failed to mention the conservative college newspaper he founded in a fundraising letter. Almost everybody friend and foe thought he was full of himself says Garvin. He continuously complained that his brilliance wasn't appreciated.

Well, John, I'm glad that you finally found the venue in Chapo Shrap House, our podcast where your brilliance can finally be appreciated. Don't you think John Podoritz, he's kind of the perfect opposite of the Crassistines? Hmm. So the Crassistines. Put a bow on this one.

Crassistines self starters. Like they founded all their own things. It's true. Like they're, I don't even think they have parents. Body's like a marble statue. I don't think they have parents. They crash on earth. In a fucking ship from Krypton.

Yeah. No, they emerge from the head of Uranus. Yeah. The Romulus and Remus. They were fucking, they were fucking nursed by fucking wolf mother. They're jacked. They probably never complained to restaurants

because all they eat is like egg white omelets that they make themselves with like some sort of like scam grilling items that they invented. That they're like suing somebody for a patent over where they're representing themselves because they do everything their own way. They are their own men. They're like, imagine John Podoritz went through

the pain of civil forfeiture or a federal raid. He can't even take like, he can't even take an on time deli order. Why isn't it early? I have a review, I have a review of the shape of water, right? No, he'd keel over like the guy at the end of the casino. Yeah.

If the FBI showed up at his house instantly. But these like jacked, self motivated, self starting. Every time, you know, people accuse them of having meltdowns but really they're just fucking destroying their enemies. They, I mean, do you think the Chrysostains ever have any resentments of being turned down by a girl? No, because it's probably never happened to them, ever. Nope, five serfers.

Yeah, ever. They probably lay elite pipe. They're like, instead of writing some fucking just indescribable gibberish for other important nephews called like, you know, the shape of water and the trans moment. Like they're, they're writing books to educate children about why Donald Trump is bad.

They're the complete opposite of this awful, awful man. If you, if they like, they're not never like contradicted in Yelp reviews. They're probably just Yelp reviews about places they've gone. They're like, these two awesome guys came in and they were shirtless and they were doing doing 720 jumps with their kids.

They just made me feel really good. They kept yelling, boom, it was awesome. Chrysostains, beloved by podcast hosts. John Potter, it's loathed by podcast hosts. Just an awful man. Chrysostains shoot like ship caliber ropes. Like the things that, the thing that anchored the Titanic to its birth in Belfast or wherever it was built.

Is it Belfast? Yeah, okay. Yeah, that's the type of ropes that the Chrysostains shoot. Pod Horitz comes the same way your nose runs after a night of doing too much Coke. Just oozes pancake batter. John Padoritz has like a lazily made lava cake jizz.

Like it just like, just like spills out of the side and he's like, get somebody clean that up. And the Chrysostains just like fucking shoot a hole through their wall and they're like, now I can put up a new picture. Awesome. Boom. Truth.

Yeah, they just like send a picture of like the fuck. It looks like it got shot with a 50 caliber round the hole in their wall they got from busting. And they're like, can you do that Donald Trump? And people are like, no, no one can. You guys are awesome. That's me saying that to them. That is quite a bow to tie on the end of this show.

So glad to leave you all with that. A bold Chrysostain thought. With that mental image, comparing the ejaculate of the Chrysostain brothers to John Padoritz. To the loathsome toad. But you know, this is what we're here for. This is what we do on this show. And last time we'll ever do this,

it's what we did in the book, which is out today. It is out today. It's a momentous day, two years in the making. Finally, the Chapo Trap House Guides Revolution is at your local bookstore. The three local bookstores that remain in the United States. It was tough.

We had to learn how to read before doing it. Only Will knew how to read. He had to teach Matt. Matt knew like four words. He had to teach Matt. Then Matt had to teach me. Then I had to teach Virgil. And then there was the process of writing.

And that's when Chris came in. Chris taught us how to write down words. Will didn't even know it. He only knew how to read. That's why he was an editor. But we did it. And you're going to see how we got better being more familiar with the concept of literacy

as we went on. And it was an exciting journey for us. And I hope it's an exciting journey for you. Boom. Retweet for truth. Is this, I think, perfect creative synthesis of our voices. It's a lot of what you hear on the show. And it's a lot of just, you know what we believe,

what our comic sensibilities are. Better than literally anything John Potts or his cretinist family has ever produced. That's without a doubt. The late night, fortnight stream I did last night was better than anything Podors ever did. We got three wins. And I was even too tired to get drop shots.

There's also beautiful illustrations, as you know, by Ellie Valley, John White, and The Grass and Scenes from The Church of the Book. And you know, I mean, I hope you read it. I hope you enjoy it. I hope you get mad about it. It can be infuriating at times. I hope you read it.

I hope you share videos if you angrily destroying the book, throwing it in the trash, shooting it with a gun. No, actually don't do that, it's not actionable. Please don't sue us. Do the Chapel Book Toilet Challenge. Yeah, throw the book in the toilet, throw it in the dumpster, get in the book with the dumpster, cover yourself with garbage, and be like, I'm you.

This is the book, owned. Do the Caron Challenge with our book, see if your cat will walk over it. Marty has not touched this book. He traipses all over my coffee table. He has not touched the book. He understands, he hates your Caron, too. And if the book, you know, if you read the book,

not trickles your fancy, feel free to post about it. Feel free to post a little line there. We hope, anyway, as well, I'm not sure we announced this, but there is an audiobook version read by the four of us and Brendan James, which is really funny, and Brendan is well produced. Some funny skits from it, like you heard on the last free episode.

You can- There's an anime. Yes, there is anime in the book. There's animes. There's animes. I fought hard against it, but I was out for it. Well, again, I'll just close by saying, I really hope you read and enjoyed the book,

and we really hope to see you on tour in the Northeast and then the Midwest. Please, please, please see us on the tour. I actually don't know what the numbers are looking like today, but if you're in Baltimore, put down that heroin needle or stop being a cop. Those are the only two jobs in Baltimore from what I can tell from the show,

Homicide Life on the Streets, the show that everyone likes. Yes, please come to see us on tour and tell us what you love or hated about the book. And we'll be signing books at the tour, so you can just be as abrasive as you want. I've been on a diet. I've been carb tapering.

I've been water cycling too, so I'll be about as ripped as a Crassistine come tour. And if you bring your kid, I will do a 720 jump with them, like the Crassistines. I will go canoeing with them. I will send pictures of myself with your kid, me and Donald Trump. I'm not afraid of being shirtless or you, sir.

Again, that's not a promise. Just a point of reminder that nothing that we say on this show is legally actionable. Please do steroids if you're coming to see us on tour. I cannot be held liable for this. There are literally no health consequences for it. The anti-steroid lobby is trying to- Until next time, guys.

Thanks for listening. Bye. Bye. They said goodbye. Thank you for watching and don't forget to subscribe for more videos.