Chapo Trap House - Episode 244 - A Nice Chill Show (9/11/18)

Episode Date: September 11, 2018

Here's a nice, relaxed episode of your favorite podcasters just hanging out and having a nice time. Felix and Will show up later to join the show. We're in between legs of the tour and saving our best material for the stage so, for anyone who has wondered, this is what it's like in the car between shows. It's Chapo Town. Tickets Still Available for the Tour, Come See Us: http://chapotraphouse.com/tour/

I You should move to another country because we are really the outliers when it comes to portions of the world, you know, it's insane is that part of it obviously is, you know, subsidized bad food and the rise of fast food and corn syrup. You know what a big part of it is? This is literally true. Plates have gotten bigger. We've made plates bigger than they used to be. So you need more food to make it look full. That's something that's simple and low key technological change makes your brain be like, I need to eat a third more than I would have. It's a conspiracy from big ceramics. You get down to it like very,

very simple, like visual tricks, completely change RBA. One thing that's good is monkeys every meal leave something on the plate, but it just it just seems wasteful. Yeah, people don't want to do that. Only decadent ingrates do that. So you need smaller plates. So how are you dying? Virgil, I'm not dying. I just when I wake up in the morning, my heart is beating very quickly and often sweating. And this is if I don't, you know, if I go to sleep late, I just do. And this is if I get like four or five hours of sleep and I force when I've got to be up at like 10 or nine or something. And you know, obviously the abdominal issues and digestive issues at that time, too. How much nicotine do you consume? I don't know.

I mean, it's variable. See, there we go. That's a real that's a real element. One of the one jewel pod is supposed to be approximately a pack of cigarettes. And you you litter those things like the witch from the old Mary Melody cartoons, Litter's hairpin. They're like, fuck it. They're like magazines, gun magazines. I'd say it depends on the day, but anywhere from a half a pack to a pack. I mean, nicotine affects your digestion. That's true. Yeah, it affects your heart rate as well. It's all I consider it in that positive, though. Why is it in that? Well, they are making it makes his hair lustrous and shiny. Thick, thick mane and coat. Staves off all Alzheimer's. They do say that. Really? But this thing is it's

like everything has I don't I don't believe anything about anything anymore when it comes to that stuff. That's right. I believe that like cancer is bad for you. I don't believe in truth. I've got some basics that I stick by. I mean, just yeah. But like what gives you cancer or what would protect you against cancer or what gives you heart disease or protection against it? Often it's the same thing or changes. Well, the thing is what Americans don't get is that it's moderation. And so what they want is the thing that they're not supposed to eat and the thing that they are supposed to eat. They don't have a you need like kind of a balanced, maybe have a little bit of this someday and don't overindulge.

No, you got to have an 100% tumor. It could die if you want to live forever. Yeah, well, there's the thing about kale. People were finding out they're like, Oh, don't eat kale anymore. It will kill you. And then they looked at like the amount of kale you would have to eat for it to have whatever toxic effect is so high. But you know that some American ate that much kale and now they have to know as soon as you hear kills good for you, they're just going to the pizza hut salad bar and eating the garnishing. Well, the poison is in the dose. By the way, that's one of my favorite bits of trivia is that until the 1990s, the top purchaser of kale in the United States was pizza hut, but they used it to

garnish the edges of salad salad salad and a golf ball sized a chunk of kale. They would just staple it next to the next to the dishes. We thought it was pretty. Yeah, it's like it's like a little cabbage row, but it was kale and no one would even have ever conceived of eating it. It's like what we were talking about the lobsters in the early 20th century, where they were like basically given to prisoners. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it was considered cruel to feed somebody lobster all the time. Giant, disgusting, undersea bug. To be fair, yeah, they're gross, but they taste good. They don't look like they would. I couldn't handle looking in the little faces of the crabs we were eating in Baltimore. I was fine with the crabs. I

didn't like any of their other organs. Oh, yeah. The parts that we didn't eat. They're monsters. I like looking at them while I eat them. It's just I feel superior to them. I'm glad they're dead. They're just insects to me. I don't like insects. They're alien. They're alien creatures. I think that's the way to do it. It's just revel in how xenomorphic they are, how unlike anything you recognize as like a creature would be. You're eating some Geiger-esque monster. Yeah, this came out of a meteor. I mean, I'm fine with that. I enjoyed. Stay to the earth by crushing it with this hammer. Yeah, I enjoyed the whole hammer action of the crack of the crabs. That felt very out ofistic and primitive. It's

borderline sexual. You know, I just realized what makes crabs one of the best foods, especially the blue crabs where you bust open the bodies is that they gamify dinner. Yeah, because when you are going through a carcass of one of those crabs and you find another little nugget of meat, like you pull a leg off and there's a little hidden bit of meat, that's exciting. It's like you win the lottery. It's a power up. When I get to there, I'm finding a legendary weapon. Lungs or whatever. It's like I level down. Oh, yeah, that stuff. When I see it, that's why when I see it, it makes me it's like hot. What score am I going to get on this particular crab carcass that lady? What am I going to leave behind versus what

am I going to get that I didn't want that lady who had to teach us how to eat crabs because we're being crab idiots should have. We should have asked her to stick around the table and score our crab. Yeah, assumption. We were really crab done. Yeah, we were thrown out like half the crab first. Then we went through the bucket of half eaten crabs and ate the second half. If you go out to eat, demand that your server score you. They have to do it. That's the law. Whenever I pass it, my plate at the end, I'm like, can you just give me a little report on that? If they say no, if they refuse to stand at your table and monitor your consumption and award you all points arbitrarily, ask to see the manager.

Yes. Demand to see the manager. Demand that they're demoted. And when the manager comes to say, sir, I demand points. Where is Mr. Hardwick when I need him to distribute points? Hey, everybody, it's us and we are back in New York for a day about to leave for Philadelphia on our tour. The tour continues. The tour will never end. Never had a tour, baby. Bob Dylan life is just one big tour. If you think about it, yeah, you go to different cities and drink and that's about it. And then you die. Yeah, then you die. That's all. That's all there is to do some karaoke in some of them. Yeah, but you get to go to places like their local aquarium. Yes. Yeah, that's my favorite part of Baltimore. You get to see different parts

of the world. Yeah. Our East Coast tour. We just got back from DC and Baltimore. Wonderful. And we are about to go to Philadelphia sold out trash and wonderful. Portland, Maine, Boston, Massachusetts, Hamden, Connecticut, Providence, Rhode Island or something called Pawtucket. It's all the same. It's all the same. Rhode Island is just one big place. Every city is three hoagie shops away from another city. Every city is Providence. It's all called Providence. And finally, technical name, by the way, of the state Providence Plantations. Yes, Rhode Island and Providence Plantations. Yeah, they change. I think they change that. No, they try to and fail. How did it fail? Because people said it's just

a description of the type of land it was. It doesn't mean anything. Well, you just you're just screwed around with cartographers. They should be in the state Providence, etc. The smallest has the has the longest name because they said the plantation was racist and it went down. I think if they had added to it, it's also dumb to have a big, stupid, long name like this. Yeah, it's pretentious. You sound like one of those Westminster dogs that like the real names. It's like his name is Buddy, but his real name is like Cheshire Wings of Gold or whatever the fuck Rhode Island doesn't deserve two words. I'm sorry. That's no, you deserve to be in Ohio. Four letters for the tiny estate. Yeah. Ohio deserves a

long name. It's a big, big, big. It's misleading to the whole island thing. It's bullshit. And then finally ending our two shows right here in Brooklyn, New York. Triumphence Returns. That's this week. Tickets available at chapeltraphouse.com slash tour. And as well, we just announced Midwest tour dates. Next one, we will be epic. This is the homecoming. Okay, this is epic. Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. This is the one I'm going to die on. This is Ohio, Detroit, Michigan, Chicago, Illinois, Madison, Wisconsin. Finally, Minneapolis, Minnesota. That's next month. Tickets are available on the same website, chapeltraphouse.com slash tour. That's going to be fun. That's going to be the tour where I have found dead face down in a plate of cheese

curds. That's happening. Also, folks, we love it when you reply to the tour dates and say, how come I don't see my city listed here? We love that. Never stop doing that. Especially if your city is a place that we've just been to a few months ago. That's my favorite one. How come you guys never come to Los Angeles? Everybody replied to every Virgil post with Chappell come to Brazil. Yes. Okay, I don't know what that means. Is that why people are doing that? Yes. Okay, well, that's throwing off our statistics here because now when we're booking these, yeah, they're going to we're going to get booked at some show at Sao Paulo Yuck Hut and no one's going to show up show up. Terrible. We are going to do more tours.

So keep your knickers on everybody. And we want to do a Europe tour. Oh, yes. English 2019 mostly English speaking Europe anyway. Yeah, that's an ambitious 2019 plan. Holy shit. I had buck fast for the first time at that party. What is that? Okay, so apparently it's brewed by monks. It's for local brewed by. Oh, yes, I know what you're talking about. Yeah, Scott is crazy wine. How was that? It's it's fight juice. Yes. How was that? It tasted like cough syrup. Hell yeah. Oh, yeah. I like that. I only had a bit but I was extremely excitable. And then we were in my a bunch of girls were in my crawl space. A lot of them were from Philadelphia. And so they were all giving their Philadelphia Catholic school who's

in trouble right now stories. And I'm pretty sure we made a pregnancy pact. It's a really fun liquor. It's a really fun liquor. Is it crazy when your kid like cough syrup is gross like you and then you then you're an adult and you're just like drinking bottle after bottle of it every single day. Yeah. No, but we have to go to Scotland just to like load up on buck fast. Yes. Yeah, I didn't get any. I want to try it. I need buck fast. I didn't know I needed it. I needed just caffeine and booze. It's just it apparently the bottles are like the number one assault weapon in Scotland. Until then I'm just going to put Robotus in a mic off. That's fine. If you if you have a little buck fast only outlaws

will have. So we did we were in DC for two days and then right after that Baltimore for two days and I don't remember anything about DC is Baltimore. We stayed indoors. It was 900 degrees. We just buckled down. We saw a wonk. I remember that. We saw a wonk walking the walking the street in the wild. Yeah, we saw a wonk and he was doing the Virgin Walk. He was. He was doing the Virgin Virgin. Like if you took a picture, if we had taken a picture from the angle or a vehicle, we it we it would have mapped on to the Virgin from the meme. Exactly. It is the me. It's the most Virgin town in the world. We had fun. We played it like a legendary apparently rock punk. The 930 club with plenty

of great bands have played by the skags at one point. That's the one you remember. That's the one Matt remember Lido shuffle. Bear naked minor who exactly wean presumably probably yeah. So all the greats legendary. So so the show went great. We had fun with folks afterwards sold out. But yeah, no, we had more fun. We had a day in Baltimore to enjoy ourselves after the show. Oh, that's where we ate a bunch all the crab and just absorbed all those precious heavy metals. Your body requires and then went to the Aquarium, the National Oh my God, and the Baltimore, otherwise known as a fish jail. The Baltimore Aquarium okay Johnny son, Baltimoreians like they understand them because they sell wine at the Baltimore

Aquarium. Yes. And we were asking because there's beer in the cafeteria. And we're like, can we walk around with a beer? And she's like, no open containers. I was like, what about wine? And she said, no open containers. So we brought around this terrible little bottle of wine and watched jellyfish on edibles. And it was just really the most pleasant thing. So here's the wild thing to be in parts of it. You're just like standing over a tank that's like right there and you could just touch it and I had some. And I mean, that's probably why you can't bring an open container around because people are just like one for me getting the sharks drunk. Yeah, which obviously I wanted to do. Yes. In addition to a touching

tank, they should have a drinking tank. But we got to pet jellyfish and pets that skates in the rays. And that was nice. I as Amber pointed out, the jellyfish were sending all the kids at the aquarium into a very bad trip. No, I think it's one of those things where you take a kid that's like too young to see the wall. Yes. Like, yeah, they were very steadman-esque kind of creatures and kids were not prepared for them. They were screaming. They were literally screaming. They were frankly harshing my body. Yeah. Jellyfish don't move in a way that seems natural if you're young. Yeah. Well, and I got to say the people who organized this exhibit when they weren't trying to guilt us about fucking climate change. Oh

God, I know so much too much. They understood that you needed to play like Prague rock over the jellyfish. So that was being piped in while we were very high and slightly drunken watching the jellyfish. It was the perfect jellyfish watching conditions. And even outside the aquarium, just in like the general Harbor zone, as you approached, you realized that they were kind of piping in like ambient new new age music. Yeah. Like kind of whale sounds made by a synthesizer. It was great. It was great. They know why people were there. I went to the gift shop to buy a large whale and they I asked the woman tries to sell me a tote bag, which you know, I'm obviously opposed. We're all opposed to tote bags. So

I said, no, man, I'll just have a regular plastic bag. And she says, this is a conservatory. So you know what I did? I bought the frickin tote bag. I see you in. I'm not going to carry around away. That's her. You got owned. I got owned. Wow. That's a that is a ninja star. Also guilt. They keep the dolphins and tank the size of my apartment. It's not, you know, I mean, the fact that they're trying to build a new one. The ones who have dolphins, it's always a moral question. They're like elephants. Like, can they ever really be happy in any way and kept it? All right. Biggest let down by far dolphins. The dolphin show we saw a dog share. So it's also Tori. There's a woman there who's just telling us dolphin

facts that are not interesting. Some dolphins are longer than other dolphins. Yeah, this woman has this piece of fluff. This is the trick. Fish wire. It's like a rubber bag on a string on a stick trying to engage her like you do with your cat to get up to bat at it. No, you were too high to actually hear how depressing it actually was. So they're trying to teach them to be able to survive in the wild. But because they've lived in a tank their whole life, they're not used to birds. So they would be dolphins are supposed to look for birds because that's where they're supposed to find food. And she says we're trying to get them used to birds because if we sent them out into the wild right now,

they would just be terrified of birds being overhead. So we're trying to with this fake bird acclimate them for a life in the wild because they've seen nothing but this dank ceiling. And they're literally they have this bird on a string just smacking it up against the side of the tag. Yeah, the dolphin looks on inside like could not be less interested in this. Yeah. So there's like a whole group of dolphins in the small tiny whole pod of dolphins, a whole poly pod of dolphins. They don't they're not doing any tricks for us. The woman says that they shouldn't do tricks, but also they should at least have a bigger dolphin. They should do tricks for me. I'm nice. The woman says that the these dolphins

were born in this tank. They this is all they've known, which in my mind means they don't know, you know, they don't know how good the ocean is. Like they have no idea how great they're basically growing up in a skinner box. Yes. Although how great is you go outside and oh, yeah, I love being in the ocean until you hit one of the patches that's just dead. Or you run into the Pacific Garbage Patch or you get caught in a fucking tuna net or you just swallow 500 pounds of garbage. So would you go back if you if you if you saw the day life, you saw the ocean, you had that chance, would you be horrified by it? This is like when old people try to like go back to jail after being released. It's very sad. Perhaps

it's very sad. Institutional dolphin, but jellyfish very pro don't have to feel bad about them. They don't have brains. They do not have brains. Perhaps it's the most unethical that we don't allow dolphins we've released into the wild to make the choice to come back. Yeah, there should be just like an open door back to the tank. Yeah, like a tunnel or something. Yeah. And if they come back, then you know, our door is always open. I'm curious how many would come back and how many would leave. I think most would come back. Yeah, but some would leave. Well, that's just a testament to how awful we made their natural habitat. So high five for you. We should give them a dolphin rum springer. Yes. Feed them lots

of meth. My favorite animal was the turtle. His big old turtle is great. I was a huge turtle. Didn't get to interact with it. That's why he has his own agenda. That's okay. What's your favorite animal? There's a animal. I don't know if I can say it's my favorite there because I've seen it a bunch of other places. It's called the look down. And I always call it the pie plate fish. And it looks like somebody took two pie plates and smashed them together and then put googly eyes on either side and turn it into a fish. It's like it has this metallic reflective sheen. It looks like a child made a fish. It's uncanny. It looks like it's made of metal and I love it. The look down. It's called the look down fish

because it's making a circle with its hand right at its pocket. Oh my God. I'm told there was a sloth there. Everyone saw the sloth. I didn't see it. We did see a sloth. Oh yeah, it was hanging from a roof. I know that I saw two sloths because there was one near the exit that moved over right after you guys left. The aquarium was doing kind of a rainforest crossover, which doesn't sound canonical, but I think it was just an excuse. They had like fish from the rainforest or whatever, but I think it was just an excuse to get a sloth. It was actually extremely dope. By the time we got up to the rainforest part is on the very top of the aquarium. And by the time we got up there, it was basically night

and it was like a lightning storm outside. So in this rainforest biome on the top of a building inside a glass dome with a lightning storm going on outside. We can hear the rain, but we're not getting rained on. It was like being in a rainforest with none of the wet. Looking straight up at a sloth hanging from the ceiling. Very dope. Hey buddy. Hey, that uh, the best view in the city. Sloth like turtle, I think represents our show pretty well. Absolutely. And then we got the pit beef the next day. Very slow animals. We got the pit beef the next day. Um, we went to like the place we're supposed to get it in the parking lot of a strip club. Hell yeah. Yep. Uh, excellent, excellent interpretation.

Rules. Yes. It's like, if you never heard of it, it's Baltimore specialty and it's, it's kind of like barbecue, but really what it is is imagine the Arby's roast beef sandwich. I am go on a platonic ideal of how that would be in the best possible world. And that's what it is. It's like roast beef, but it's all tender and succulent. And then there's like real horseradish and everything. It's just sauces. Yeah. So Baltimore was a blast. We did not find John Waters. We didn't really try that hard to be fair. I, you did try though. Right. I asked somebody that's about it. I could find him. I went to, uh, Edgar Allen pose grave and told him to suck it. Well, we drove past it anyway. I said, Oh, out of

here, Edgar. So they're really terrifying cost memorial. Yes. It's a very metal Holocaust. Yeah. It is, it is grim. I saw it when I was in Baltimore years ago. I was just walking down the street and I'm like, Oh, why is there a giant burning ball of human corpses? That's what they're the statue is. It's incredible. They weren't really literal with Holocaust. Oh, very literal. What is that? They went and looked it up. Oh, consume with fire. I'll just do that. It's fucking metal. And as we said at the show, it made us wonder, like, what did Baltimore do? Are you got a guilty conscience about this? What exactly did you do during World War Two specifically? It's also like as we were driving back, we went

past like Dover Delaware advertised like the turn off for the Dover 9 11 Memorial. Yeah, I'm like, well, why, why here? Why we get that everybody said, why everywhere? What's that? No, I was going to say, was that near where Flight 93 crash would snow? No, that's a Pennsylvania. Yeah. No, just everyone wants a piece. Yeah. Everyone wants a piece of that sweet, sweet 9 11. What did you do Delaware? Where were you? Delaware got the phone call day of 9 11 saying Delaware and died on that day. Oh my God. Wow. We're learning a lot today. We're learning about who did the Holocaust, Baltimore, the state of Delaware. Well, Baltimore was one of them. I honestly forgot what we did in DC. I remember we got dinden and the

Nando's bungle. Oh, yeah. Nando's bungled there. Our meal. And five people leaning over one quarter of a chicken, like a fucking depression. And I guess we interacted with wonks. That's about it. Yeah. Yeah. So some wonks had some laughs. It's good. And we're very much looking forward to everything to come. So we were disappointed. It's extraordinarily disappointed because when we were in DC, there was supposed to be a Rick and Morty theme pop up bar. I'm actually genuinely annoyed with this. I was like looking forward. We were ready to go probably both nights. The description sounded great. The bartenders were all supposed to be dressed like Mr. Meeseeks. Yes. It was called the Wubba Wubba

dub pub. Excellent. Excellent. Just genius. You know they've got a pickleback Rick to drink. Of course they probably got one of those drinks where they use the dry ice to make it like smoke. Come out of it ocean. Oh man. Different colors serve some mixed drinks in an Erlenmeyer or flat. Yeah. Exactly. Oh gosh. It would rule. But these fucking jerks at Turner Broadcasting, these assholes, these corporate bitches, these corporate whores who run the Rick and Morty thing network, Adult Swim, say no, you have to pay us more than you can afford to to have this. And so they got to shut down. That's ridiculous. Ridiculous. That's I mean that's I mean I will say that these people deserve to be ruthlessly

punished for being so stupid. They didn't think this would happen. But at the same time, they're very much of the Matt Groening School of, you know, copyright. Let it go. I mean it's it's better to ask for forgiveness than ask for permission. But that's what happened. They tried it out first and then they got torpedoed. Well, you know, they did it. These were the same people who did the Game of Thrones. Yes. Pop up, which was apparently just called Game of Thrones. Dog shit. Here's not even trying. I think that these people got better as they went on because the Game of Thrones, we looked it up because we were really fascinated by the idea when someone told us about this. I guess that's another DC thing that happened.

And the drink names are not puns. It was just like, you know, here's a drink called the Mother of Dragons. Cool. But Liz was telling us that apparently people used to dress up and get in line because that is what is cool in DC to go to the to go to the Game of Thrones restaurant. I mean, go to the fucking medieval times. Now you get a real show there. You eat a cornish gamehand with your hands. Oh, sports ball. You mingle with the Huypilloy, though. You're not around your fellow wonks in faux fur. Awful. Now just go to any Renaissance fair. No. I'm trying to dress up and reprise my adventure from last year at the Upstate Renaissance Fair at the end of this month. It's got a

speed. Can I come? Maybe. You're going to get kicked out of a Renaissance fair. We thought about like the most white trash headlines that we're both going to have. And I think Matt Crispin kicked out of Renaissance fair is going to be yours and mine is going to be my unfortunate death at like a water park or something. The thing is, Matt, the reason you would get kicked out of the Renaissance fair is not for being like just too generally disorderly. It would be like yelling at things that were anachronistic. I would be chill. I don't care. You guys want to mix up the genres and the eras. That's fine. I don't know. I think he would actually be fine with that. And he would go the other way and become

the antagonist and show up in a, well, in a track suit and what he's wearing now. You can go, but you have to dress up as a Star Trek guy and pretend that you have, you have, you know, traveled through time or traveled to a primitive planet or something. Yeah. That's very canonical for Star Trek. There are a lot of planets. That sounds fun. I'll do that. Anyway, so I want to do a pop-up bar. Yes. I think it's easy. Oh yeah. Well, you just like find a bar that sucks and you just say, Hey, your bar is terrible. No, we go here. Let us do a thing for like a few weeks. Yeah. Oh, exactly. Yeah. And then we throw in some

props, get some, get some themed cocktails. Yes. It would be fun to do just like a chopper bar takeover for like. Yes. Yes. Someone let us do that. If only there was another local podcasting bar. Shout out to Stuart Wellington of a hinterlands. Maybe he'll let us take it as over. We would have, yeah, we have the pun drinks. It would be about our interests. The pun drinks at the. It would be a mess. It would be horrible. No one would agree on a theme, but it would be really fun and they'd make a lot of money for that week. It'd be a weird pastiche and the bartenders would all, I don't know, they'd wear like baseball crankheads or something. Yes, of course they would. They would wear baseball crankheads.

Would they have to speak in the voice? Well, yes, they must. We'll have drinks like the, I don't know, hot couch toddy. Yeah, there you go. I don't know. What's another one? Gamer fuel. Gamer fuel. Gamer cum. Gamer cum, yeah. No, that's a, that's a, that's a Stefan thing. What's our Twitch stream called? Fuck you mean. What does that mean? I don't know. Bird brain I am. What does this, what does that mean? Fuck you mean? It means when someone says something stupid or that angers you, you say, fuck you mean. Oh yeah. Well, what does bird brain I am mean? I think that just sounds silly. Okay. I think they just like the silly sound of it. I don't know. Let's just do rage comic theme drinks. Just like

meme theme drinks from 20, from 10 years ago. Give me two derpinas please. Yes. Yes. I know. Is this bit going to go on or? I'm trying to think of another one, but I kind of am losing it. I can't think of one. I have like a whole list of, of Chapa references somewhere, but I don't want to cheat. What? Yeah. I mean, I have a whole list of a visual brainstorm list of just all the things I could take. You take your job way more seriously than we take our jobs. Yeah. Well, somebody has to. Are you being, are you maintaining our a fucking? I don't know. Trophy tropes. Yes. No, I have, I have never posted to the wiki or the TV tropes page. Can you post? We have a YouTube channel, right? Yeah. Okay. Just

making sure I didn't make that up. Can you post that video I took of Matt? Watching the what? Well, yeah, he's my Edie Sedgwick. I take a lot of videos of that. But the one of him leaning and staring glassy eyed at the jellyfish with the Prague rock playing in the background. Yes. Send it to me and I'll post a jelly compilation of Matt. Do we have a Snapchat? No, nobody uses Snapchat. Do we have a Finster? Do we have a private Ludes account? No, we don't have it. That's what we got to get on that. That's social media 101. That's true. Do we have a music? Do we have a Shatterbait room? I'm pretty sure the pretty sure current affairs has a Ludes private. Oh snap. Give me give me

a high life in two of the Trader Ghoulans. It's pretty good. Now I got to think of it. Well, I mean, I'm having trouble thinking what drinks are called. I'm tired. There's a rum and coke. That's one stormy. Oh, we did all the ones in the in the book release and this is funny. Let's just let's just do that. No, no, no, let's make it the resistance theme bar. Oh, yes. Because we actually be. Yeah. So we do an ironic resistance theme bar. No, it's not right. We joined the resistance. We contact like all the weird grifter guys like funder and the Krasensteins. Yeah. And we say this is this is a serious bar. We'd love for you to be a VIP show up and bring your the Krasenstein of Ale Krasenstein of

Ale. That's pretty good. Are probably listening to this right now. So yes, you asked them, they would come. Yeah. Okay. Hey, fellas, we need you to come and command your followers to come to this resistance bar. All the money, all the profits will go to, I don't know, Joe Biden's exploratory committee. What the fuck are these people giving their money to a children's book that has Donald Trump being gay and a that has the yeah, the hot Mueller Jim membership for Robert Mueller. Oh, are they doing like billboards with like a hammer and sickle and like Trump fuck? Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yeah. No, they're all over the place now. It says GOP, but the O is the Soviet star. Got him. That's red.

There's probably been, you know, I'm just thinking of just like these like viral resistance people and the various things I've raised money for. It's it's definitely in the millions for just cockamamie schemes. Oh God. Yeah. Absolute gibberish. The total economy of the hashtag resistance probably. Oh, remember when they fucking kicked in half a million dollars for Michael Cohen's defense fund? Oh, just gave Lanny Davis half a million dollars that's for nothing baffling for nothing because it was going to make him tell the truth or something. I get it when they give money to like McCabe or something. I mean, that's also stupid, but it's like, okay, you like the guy. You gave half a million to Michael

Cohen. I like the imagination that there's like a one of those paper thermostats in an office somewhere for a fundraiser. And if you just get it filled up all the way with red marker, the Trump just resigned his truth. He just boop. He goes, folks, they hit the top of the thermostat. Okay, I have to resign. What else did they do? Oh, yeah, they raised a bunch of money to protest in front of the White House. Yes. Oh my God. A Pachinko machine raised another six figure some just to have people standing in front of the White House with Christmas lights. Wasn't the idea with that one that if you couldn't be there in person, you could give him money. Yes, exactly. You'd like buy a virtual spot at the rally.

I like the idea of getting into the age of virtual protests where it's just like in some virtual space. There is like a place where avatars like sims are mingling in front of some place and you can just buy a sim to mingle there. And that's your protest. Oh, okay. So speaking of grips, have you heard of this app? I can't remember the name of it, but the gist is you can pay celebrities to, to personalize. I read an article about that. That is fucking grim. Yes. Okay. What are the celebrities like Todd D list? And well, then it's cool. Yes. Yeah. If they're D list, I'm on board. I get like a member of the Vanderpump rules to say hammer. You're great in a little video. That's amazing. Yeah. Well, I know

whoever I get for secrets. Yeah, you're getting that. Yeah. Yeah, it's called cameo cameo. Right. Right. Right. And I, who's on cameo? It says there's over 1400 athletes, musicians, social media influences. There aren't that many and more. Hang on. I'm going to log on to it. I'm on it right now. I'm looking at who they've got. All right. Dennis Rodman. Yes. Yes. Yes. I'm going to have him big up to North Korea. Now it's a thousand dollars for a video with Dennis Rodman. Wow. Oh, come on. There's another article that had more, more of the people. I recall Amanda Hess wrote a large profile of this for the times. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, you're right. Thank you. I found it. What the fuck? Where do I buy the cameo?

Oh, no, I found it. All right. I'm on here. All right. So yeah, Nikki Blonsky, Nikki Blonsky press built in Gary Busey's. Oh, wait a minute. No, quiz daddy's on here. How much for a quiz daddy one? Yeah, quiz daddy. How much does it cost? Where's the it varies? That's what's so amazing. It's you puts a little price tag on your worth as a celebrity because it's all the they're all they named their own prices. So for example, Misha Barton, $75 for a video. That's feels low and if a Hall of Famer Troll Owens, 350 Lance Bass, 125. Those two seem accurate. Marlo Maples, Marla Maples. Who are these real housewives? Nikki Blonsky Perez Hilton. Yeah, wait, I'm not seeing prices on here. Dina Lohan. Classic

where are the prices? God damn it. Oh, the guy from John and eight plus eight or John and Kate plus eight John. Yeah, Rebecca Black from the Friday video. Oh my God. 30 bucks. 30 bucks. No, to get a video from the Rebecca Black. Oh God, let's do it right now. Yeah, can we get her to say Rebecca Black to say you're listening to Chapo trap house, get it by the end of the this recording. Yeah, yeah, yeah, put it in by by one please one Rebecca Black. I don't know. Can we make them say demeaning things? No limits on what they'll say explicitly. I mean, to be fair, promoting our show is probably demeaning. That's what I meant. I mean, I listen to Chapo trap house all the time. It's where I get my information.

It's where I get my news and hot takes on culture and comedy. Okay, anyway, like, yeah, we'll buy the Rebecca Black thing, but here's my idea. We should all go on it. We should all make a cameo account and sell ourselves. You people would definitely buy, buy shit from you guys. I'm curious who the top earner would be. I kind of think it's Felix. Probably. He's got the most followers, right? Yeah. Oh, no, he would be the Camboy Supreme. Well, because he posts a lot of videos too. Yeah, no, they love it. His thirst traps are unparalleled. Wouldn't say unparalleled, but all right, he gets a lot of action for those thirsts. That's all I'm saying. Well, I mean, do we set our own prices? I'm going to set mine for 1000.

You can. The guy, the real life, the Wolf of Wall Street guy, Jordan Belfort, he does it for a thousand. Presumably, nobody has paid that. Nobody. No, no one cares. Yeah, he's basically just waiting because it doesn't cost him anything not to do it. So he's just waiting for the day when one rich asshole as a joke decides to do it and then it's been worth the whole time. I thought it was marketed as an economy. So the more in demand, you were the more in in. No, they set their own prices. Oh, that sucks. They do it. I do like that. So it assigns a numerical value to your ultimate fan. I'll set mine for 50,000 and just rely on Ed Zitron to buy one. And like that's it. And I made my I made my big for

the year. It's like those. It's like the casinos, those high end boutiques, you know, like Dior or something. They just there's like there's three people standing there. There's no one ever in there. But if one person goes in there and buys one handbag, they've made their monthly rent. Yeah, but I feel like no, there's just no way that it would end well. Like if I did it, even if I set it at 50,000, there would be a bunch of Comtown fans that would pool all their money to get me to say the n word. Wait, wait, wait, you wouldn't say the n word for 50,000. I I would feel I don't like I don't like the idea of that kind of direct service economy that someone can make me do things. Yeah, that's a little demeaning. No, I think

it's immoral to say no, because you could give that $50,000 to a worthy charity. Yeah, would you? Would I? Yeah. Well, no, I keep the money. I'm just saying yes. Spend it on jewel. As a chapter historian, I do want to point out that basically the very first riff of the very first episode of the show is what if Superman had to save the save the n word to save the world? Oh, God, this is the last episode. Going back to the original time as a flat circle. But yeah, I'd say it for five grand. I don't think I'd go that much. Well, also, I would contextualize it. Will you do a reading of Huckaberry Finn? I prefer honest work like what we do here. Yes, my living room. Honest work. Thank you.

How are we on time? 39 minutes. All right. Let's let's do it like Comtown. Just like don't edit this. Leave in all the parts where we're like, are we done yet? All right. How much more crap do we have to do? Let's start playing the New York Times Crossword puzzle. How's your streak going, Virgil? 15. Streak of 15. Almost almost snapped by the Thursday puzzle, which I just I started doing when I was high and I woke up and I'm still doing it. I took an hour, but I managed to like find whatever error I made. See, when I'm high, my vocabulary retention goes way up, but my ability to interpret things like sarcasm completely goes away. I will say one of my favorite moments of the first leg of tour

has been being up with Virgil watching Grand Torino. Okay. Yeah, the which is a truly ridiculous movie, which deserves a rewatch as it is. It seems like a text point zero. It's weird that it wasn't made 80 years ago or literally this year. Well, let me set the scene. Usually at this we watched a few movies usually at this hour. Chris and I are up. Matt is asleep on the couch, snoring loudly. He's hot couch. Amber's gone to bed and Felix is in the other room playing Fortnite and screaming at it. So every like five minutes or so is punctuated with him yelling at I presume an eight year old. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Fucking lag in this fucking house. I hope we have a fucking better ping in the next one. He really needs to get

over the lag issue. He needs either or just not the lag. He needs the lag because he needs an excuse for losing. No, I know that's what I'm saying. So he needs to get over it. Just accept losing as part of life. But my favorite part about the Grand Torino was the addendum the next day when we were in one of our various discussions about how the world is spiraling into chaos. And I think Matt brought up that you might consider rebranding as a gun guy. Virgil you were like, oh, yeah, I think I might do that too. And everyone's like, what the fuck gun would you ever immediately? Technon? Yeah, like the heroes in Grand Torino, ones who killed that awful racist man committing hate crimes around the neighborhood. Yes,

who got rid of that plague? I just think I think you with a tech nine is a very funny image to me. So all like like this movie comes out at a certain point where one he can't say the N word in it. So he just uses like weirder racial slurs. It's a menagerie. Yeah, they really avoided the obvious of the source ground into the only possible slurs for Asian people that you can put into a movie. And a lot of it is him waving a gun at minorities or pointing his finger at them and threatening them. And I just kept thinking this movie comes out came out in what like 2008 2009. Yeah, yeah, if you did that movie today, he would just be straight murdering them over and over again. And the audience would would

be primed to think Oh, well, he was justified each time. Yeah, it's a half step away from being so maga death wish. No, but I don't think so because think about how poorly death wish holds up. I never saw death wish. Oh, you should. It's insane. Is it the same kind of deal? Yeah, it's like it's just it's not the I mean, for granted, Reno, I it's been a while but I remember the moral kind of being minorities and are dangerous. But some of them are women and some and some of them will help you. So it's woke. Some of them will help you fix your roof and some of them will help you spite your children. Yes, that you hate for no reason. It's some of them will prove the pussy priests in your district wrong.

Yeah, I did like the priestess is totally useless priest who was an asshole and Gran Torito. Yeah, it's a strange strange. Oh, yeah, right. Okay. Here's here was a lighting part when he takes the kid around to meet other white other racist white people and they're just calling each other racial slurs all the time, which is like it reminded me which reminded me of that white like me SNL skit, where where Eddie Murphy is just Oh, white people give each other things. And if you did that, it's just Oh, white people are just racist when they're with other white people. And well, and you see him, you see me, he means like like an Irish guy and says, how are you doing? You old dumb mick. And

I was fine. You drunk pollock. And it's and the message is clear that no, no, racial slurs are fine because because there's ones for white people too. It's amazing. I mean, I'm a very big fan. And I brought this up in the car of the movie I always turn to is to Wong Fu Thanks for Everything Julie Neumar, which is an amazing movie, which could never be made today. And it's just about three drag queens who may or may not fall under the rubric of transgender by today's standards, but they are recognized as drag queens within the movies, just being racist to each other. And they're super friends forever. It's an amazing movie. So you like more racial pet names. I just think that there's a way to be affectionate

and mean to someone. And in fact, I don't really know of any other way to be affectionate to someone. So I'm sticking by. Well, I mean, that's how our show works. We're when we talk about, you know, Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton, we're being affectionate but mean to our friends. There are guys when we support and love the meaner we are, the more affection. I was just gonna say about Grand Torino. It's amazing that Clint Eastwood's previous movies two years earlier, where the duo of flags of our fathers and letters from you, a GMO, which were praised Oscar worthy praise for like humanizing this conflict in World War Two, as ground zero of American racial resentment for for the Japanese praise for humanizing

both sides and seeing how war changes and affects people. And Clint Eastwood walks away from that. And he's like, yes, now I've got my blank check to do my Asian racism movie. We need to convince Clint Eastwood to make another Grand Torino to reboot Grand Torino. And I just to see what his vision is now 10 years on, because I swear to God, it's gonna be Walter Waltz standing, just just murdering athletes who kneel for the flag. Just 50 straight minutes of that. Yeah, no, I think you're right. That's definitely the trajectory we're on. Well, I really want us to see and report back on the Jennifer Garner movie, where she fights them as 13 is a vigilante, because they killed her family peppermint. Yeah, what

the most bullshit. So basically, she's one of those angel families that Trump talks about who lost people to to illegal immigrant murder. Yeah, they call them angel family. What they're trying to invent a new thing for gold star. Yeah, it's like a mother thing for if you're illegal killed your kid. Yeah, it's fucked up. It's crazy propaganda. Yeah, no, it looks incredibly racist. And I think I think we should see it if one of those angel mothers decided to get even. Yeah, take the law to her own hand. She's gonna grow out her mom cut. She's gonna work out. She's gonna do pull ups. Yeah, it's gonna be like in Terminator two when she's in the in the insane asylum, do pull ups on the bed. Yeah, yeah, she apparently

like lives in the streets. And they're like, like, she's supposed to be Batman, basically. And they're like, Why do you think there's no crime in this terrible neighborhood full of, you know, and it's because she roams the streets or whatever because the local Chardonnay mother put down her shirt. Oh, that was a local Chardonnay mother and picked up an AR. There was a we had this we had this revelation watching Grand Torino that one of the prefigurations of Trump was 2012 RNC, where Charleston, Heston, or not Charleston, Heston, Heston, right? Because I was like, died right then or something, right? Yeah, he died too soon to see his beautiful vision come through. So yes, he came. Oh, Clint Eastwood went on

stage of the RNC and talked to an empty chair that was supposed to have Obama in it. And he just sort of looked to him and said, painful. What's going on? Why are you screwing up so bad? Why are we still in Afghanistan? You jerk. And the audience is hooting and hollering for it. And all the people in the media, you know, including myself, I was thinking about it. I thought it was a big laugh at it. They said it's all this is a big disaster and it was a big year for American political discourse. No, I mean, it is embarrassing because where are his grandchildren to be like, you know, he's a little confused right now. Yeah, no, it's it was brutally awful that they did that. And the thing is, is that we all thought

it was embarrassing. And you know, it didn't help, I'm sure, you know, it's not I think it hurt. He lost, but it didn't help either. It didn't do anything. But we all thought it was just this embarrassing anomaly. And now our politics have been totally absorbed by the fucking. Oh, yeah. Yeah, no, if you've done that four years on it, you just cleaning so we'll just run for president and go to every event with an empty chair. That was a huge part of the news cycle when it happened. Now no one would notice. Yeah. Oh God, no one would notice. Now we're all sitting in the chair. Yeah, you talk about like a cheesy thing like that. When Papu Cannon was running for president, he would he would dress up

like America's daddy, wear like a sweater. And there was I remember seeing a press conference he did where there's like a set of a of a small American home, like a like a dining room with doilies and tea cups and crap like that. And he's just sitting there a vuncular. And that was I don't know, I guess that's for anyone who's seen Isle and thinks, oh, he's going to bring back that that nice room we were all in in the John John Birch, Mr. Rogers. Basically, yes. Yeah, that's exactly it. Just how are we doing on time? We're at 50. All right. Hey, Felix, what's going on? Look, everybody, it's Felix. Hey, look, who walked in. What's what's going on? I mean, we talked about this on our WhatsApp, but

we were going to record content before we left. That's different. Oh, okay. Oh, okay. Well, Felix, we got like 10 minutes to kill. Can you explain why you like these Twitch streamers that none of us know about? I like I like. All right. Bye, everybody. Thanks for listening. I like human excellence. I like all forms of competition, but I only like fringe competition because all their sports are polluted by the same corrosive cancer that goes through the rest of our culture. The NFL is dirty. The NBA is dirty. MLB is dirty. Hockey is dirty. All that's dirty. Polo is dirty. The only pure sports are MMA, boxing, kickboxing, and now esports. And those are the only things where you can

see unadulterated excellence. What do you mean by dirty? Like corrupt? Yeah, like there's no corruption in MMA. There is, but it's nice. I just don't. I mean, are these guys charismatic? Ah, a few of them. It seems like every week I read a story that that some guy you talked about got banned for saying the N word. No, no, no. None of my guys got banned for saying the N word or saying a racial slur that he didn't. He didn't think he was saying a racial slur. Tifu, what he was doing. Okay. Well, he's like a hick. He meant raccoon. I find that hard to believe. Why? Why? You don't even know his spirit or his character. What was the context? I believe Tifu. Yeah, I believe Tifu. I believe Tifu. I stand with Tifu.

Yeah, I'm I stand. Yes, we Tifu. I stand with streamer excellence and pro gamer visibility. So I don't know as I was fortnight. I want a lot yesterday. It was pretty cool. It proves how much peripherals matter because I was on my desktop murdered so many children. No, I was definitely playing adults. Definitely. Do you think at some point it's going to get old? Yeah, everything does. Everything in your life gets old after, you know, like a long time, like 24 months. And then it loses its sense of novelty. And then you spend too much time with yourself. And then you find the next thing in your life is just you're like Spider-Man, you're going from building to building, but you're going from thing to

thing looking for a new sense of novelty. And you do that, you know, by my math about 30 more times before I die. And then that's your life. And it's okay. When you manage to get away from yourself, you effectively escaped yourself the whole time, right? Never caught up with you. Right? Or, you know, you could stay in one thing and keep convincing yourself that it's good. And that's the other way to live your life. And you only have to do one of those, but you have to do that for like 60 years. But if you're good at that one too, you know, there are two ways to play life. There's my way and there's the other way. Or you can become religious, but I haven't really figured

out the math for that one. I played Donut County the other day. It's fun. Oh, our friend made that. Wait, really? Who? There's some fucking guys that my friends know that I don't know. I tell people I know him. Oh, it was good. It's a good indie game. I highly recommend it. It's quick, quick play through. So there you go. That's the, that's the steamer. Yeah, I don't support indie games or movies that they're really good. They would be made by a major studio. It's like, I have to spend most of my time figuring out the next thing I'm going to go to in two years. I can't really be juggling through a bunch of independent

creations. It's major studios for everything that I consume. Well, I still want us to make an indie game. I mean, like we wouldn't make it. Like some guy would make it, but we make a twine game. Some company. No, no, no. Like a company would make the game. I would just write it. I would only allow dice entertainment to make the game makers of battlefield because I would want it to be an intense 128 player first person experience. No, it would be like a point and click salmon max type game. Absolutely not. That would be fun. And we'd be in it. We could do the voice acting. We could write it. Those games are are done. We're it's going to be 128 players

is going to be put team versus team. It's just going to be actually battlefield three. But you'd like raw stew tat or something. You have to you solve puzzles. Hey, everybody will is here. Oh my goodness. You solve puzzles in an FPS game. It's like, where do I put my gun on my anime? Okay, there can be part of the game. That's just that's just killing. It's a battle royale. Battle Royale would be our would be by logline. Now, what about puzzle Royale? You land on an island and you have to find pieces of a puzzle. Oh, yeah. And you have to like, it's captain Dan themed and you have to do pirate raps. You have to do epic rap battles of history to get the other players. It's a parap of battle Royale.

I still want to do a baby games, which I play like Donkey Kong country. Matt, don't say it. No, I would love to play Donkey Kong Donkey Kong games. Let me do a twist stream of literal games for for two year olds like that. Just it's colors and shapes and that's it. I at least acknowledge that that's what I like. It's for babies as we discovered. It's for literal pre verbal babies. Matt. Matt doesn't play a game since he lost like a Pac Man competition in 1985. And it was like you hyperberian bog fuck. And he's like, oh, I can't touch these anymore. He's like, Matt's like one of those Kennedys who like took too much ambient and drove directly into like the Staten Island ferry. And he's like, actually, you know what?

No medical marijuana. No one should have that because I can't handle it. No one else should have that hates video games because he's recovering from his dark past of being obsessed with backgammon. Matt had a heating gaming moment during a game of tetherball in 1992. Hey, hey, gang, I'm here. Are we talking Philly? We ready to go get on this train? Yeah. Yes. Train boys. Train boys. I've prepared a reading series that I hope we're going to dive into right now. It's from the Economist. And it's called this graph says some interesting things. Let's go. All right. First of all, seven scene. I would love to kill this author with a gun. All right. I think we got enough. Yeah, I got one last thing. We could be a freemium

app like the Kim Kardashian game. Let's get Kate up into being the commercials and be like, are you ready to win a game of fire thrown age game Lord? Yeah. Yo, me and my cousin got so good a game of fire thrown age that came up and came to our house and fucked us. Is that it for content? Sure. Just the shotgun blast of content. Yeah, fine. Low weird. A little weird. Okay. You guys talked about the aquarium. Yes. No, we didn't talk about that. So we talked two seconds. Yeah. Oh, that was great. Oh, yeah. Very, very good.