Chapo Trap House - Episode 246 - Best of New England Live, Part 1 (9/18/18)

Episode Date: September 19, 2018

In Part One of our 'Best of the Tour' compilation, in Boston we revisit the Caleb Jacoby saga and do a brief retrospective on the recent writings of his dad and world-class asshole Jeff. In Hamden, CT we count down the most evil shitheads ever produced by hell mouth Yale University Come see us in the Midwest next month!! http://chapotraphouse.com/tour/

Hi everyone, producer Chris here. It's a Tuesday afternoon, we just got back last night from doing five straight shows in the six days, all up and down the northeast, and we had a tremendous time, so thank you all very much for coming out to see us. We have two more shows tonight in Brooklyn, and I believe the late show still has a few tickets available as of this moment, so come on out to that if you can. As well we'll be hitting up the Midwest in October, so if you live in Pittsburgh, Columbus, Detroit, Chicago, Madison, or Minneapolis, go on over to ChapoTrapHouse.com to see those

dates. Today and tomorrow we're going to be putting up some of our favorite segments from our road shows, and I'm here to set those up, so coming up first, a clip from our Boston show where we take a deep dive into a favorite figure of the Chappoverse, and if you're one of those drips who's not into live shows, stop. It's frankly Chris Erasure of the Herculean work I do to keep the Chappos from killing each other on the road, and bring these precious recordings to you. But as always, if you must gripe about them, send your complaints to Virgil.

With that, on to Boston! Coming to Boston, I knew I had to do something special for you guys, and I had to dip into Boston lore and the show lore, and I had to come back to someone and something that is a beat of deep, deep Champo lore that is maybe one of my favorite things that we've done on the show. The hardest I've laughed is probably on this stuff, yeah. I am, of course, speaking about the Caleb Jacoby Saga, proud son of the Bay State. Is Caleb in the audience tonight?

Did he come see the show? Where's that boy? Where's our boy? I'll listen to your beats. We will help you. You guys know that? He's a soundcloud beatmaker, a literal truth that's not made up. He's a beatsmith.

So yeah, just a real quick recap for anyone who's not familiar with the Caleb Jacoby Saga. Caleb is the son of blowhard, pedant, asshole, Boston Globe columnist Jeff Jacoby, who is honestly one of the worst fathers in the world, dad of hell, who spent most of Caleb's formative years berating him by name in an annual column in the Boston Globe, which we have read, you know, my stupid, greedy son who won't stop filtering candy from mama. Honestly, the idea of like, all right, I am going to write a nationally syndicated column about my young and teen son and his foibles and, you know, issues.

What is something Mengele would have thought of as an experiment? Well, and he has another son who is adopted, who he never writes about, which implies that he is in fact neglecting this son. And I think that one is probably mentally healthier. Yeah, it's like, okay, yeah, yeah, Caleb, he lived in the main house and he got to eat dinner with the family, but they wrote those articles about him. They kept me in the attic and fed me fish heads. You know what?

I feel like I'm doing better. Of course, the Caleb Jacobi saga culminated, not with Jeff's columns, but when eventually he came of age and literally ran away from home and was found, I believe, in the Eminem store in Times Square. He ran away to New York and just wandered around Times Square. He was in love with the green Eminem. She would never judge me for stealing candy. She would encourage me.

She knows. She gets it. If you have your technique, here's a few things you could learn to be even more efficient at stealing candy. And as an aspiring beatmonger, where else would he move but New York? So ever since I found out about the Caleb saga and his awful, awful father, I've wanted to make our Chapo Trap House, a Chapo Trap home for sort of runaways, runaway fail sons like Caleb who want to get away from the...

The Chapo Trap home for runaway wayward fail sons. Yes, absolutely. Basically, like Professor X as a cattle for extreme posting mutants. But I mean, the real star of the Caleb Jacoby saga is, of course, Jeff Jacoby. And I mean, just to get a flavor of him, like he's usually, I mean, his columns are usually marked by just extreme banality and tediousness. I'm just like, just a quick hit on a couple of recent ones, Celebrity Gossip may entertain, but it makes our whole culture sick.

Whoa. Oh, damn, we live in a society. Holy shit. Holy shit. He closes this column out by saying, just everyone does it. Everyone is diminished by it. Sticks and stones may break our bones, but words, ugly, gossipy, cruel words can eventually break a whole society.

Just look what ours has turned into. You wrote about your child. He was berating his child from infancy in a national newspaper. I'm hoping my words can break this asshole in half tonight. He found a fucking weird document of his kid was like, rules for stealing candy, which is like, if you were a parent, you're like, oh, that's adorable. But him, this fucking cop, was like that. He was like, apologize to mama.

Apologize to mama. I like Jeff Jacoby because now it's similar to Bedore. We think of self-indulgent meandering first person essays as a liberal left thing, this product of woke culture that everyone's experience is equally interesting or whatever. But Jeff Jacoby, before there was that whole first person essay racket, just as a middle age white guy, he's like, let me tell you exactly how my day went and how all my completely unnecessarily convoluted and painful and punitive personal interactions actually mean I'm a great person.

Oh, Felix. Oh, Felix, you were in for a treat. Like millions of business travelers throughout the 90s and early 2000s who just like, you know, they cheated on their wife or something or they just want to kill themselves because they're traveling shoe salesmen staying in a hotel. The first thing they would see in the morning was this asshole's dot matrix printed face and being like, you are a rude son who eats too many neck away for just a pointless man. By the way, recorders are fucked up.

Stop. Felix has hit upon what is essentially what makes Jeff Jacoby such an interesting subject for me, because when he's writing or attempting to write about politics, it is the most boring mind numbing shit imaginable. It's like, you know, Trump is right about the new fuel regulation standards and here's why. However, but Jeff is special because he can't help but share things about himself. These sort of Peggy Noonan-esque anecdotal reveries that reveal his sad, miserable life.

And I'd like to share them with you tonight. This is, I have a couple pieces of his. They're all gold, okay? This first one is titled, If Politics Works the Way the Food Network Works. Okay. Wow, dude. Pretty wacky premise. Wow.

Hear him out. The food network theory might bring everything together. It might explain things. Jeff writes, I discovered the food network at the gym. No matter where you go, you can't escape yourself. TV doesn't much interest me and I rarely watch at home where you have only one television set, and I rarely watch at home where we have only one television set and no cable subscription. Keep in mind also he had a point when his darling baby didn't know what the ginger was

in a sushi line and so he stuffed a bunch of it in his mouth thinking it was locks. It starts out like a Felix story, like, yeah, I was at the gym and some guy who was spotting me told me about the Armenian genocide. That's fucked up. I'm against it. Yeah, every day of my life is like a good will hunting moment, but positive. But I got into the habit of watching in the gym once I realized that clicking through the channels on the screen-equipped treadmill helped distract me from the sweaty tedium

of exercise. I couldn't watch just anything though. I needed something other than the news and politics on which I already waste too much time. The reality cooking shows on the food network turned out to be just right. I needed to watch a glistening rotating ham on a spit that I could pretend that I was walking towards on the treadmill like a fucking cartoon character. Jeff Jacoby just watches the fire logs, just looping footage of s'mores being made set

to Fort Minor. Remember the name? He's like, all right, let's get it. Walks on the treadmill at two miles an hour for 30 minutes while also berating his son over FaceTime. So there I was in the gym the other day, schvitzing on the treadmill as I struggled to get to the four mile mark, no luck, while simultaneously- I thought four miles is not that long.

I am not in shape at all. Anyone of us could do four miles. I could carry that four miles. I have done four miles on a treadmill. I'll admit it. Yeah, that's right. The arms are open, ladies. Jeff around the water cooler bragging about his athletic stats.

Yeah, I run a three ham 40. By the time the Iron Chef is done cooking, yeah, I'm about halfway through the figure eight pattern on the elliptical. He says, no luck getting to four miles while simultaneously trying to divert myself with chopped or kids' baking championship or whichever food network competition happened to be airing at the moment. When it abruptly occurred to me that the food network model isn't just good TV, it's a blueprint for fixing American politics.

Go off, King. Go off, King. Go off. In fact, if election campaigns were waged on the food network, the U.S. political system would be the envy of the civilized world. Hell yeah. This is very like 90s satire writing. Something happened in the 90s.

The lives of these people were too easy because they balanced the budget and they're like, all right, that was the only problem. I don't know what to write about now. Every satire article until about 9-11, really, was kind of like, oh, if politics was fishing, Bill Clinton would say he caught a big fish, but then he didn't have relations with the worm. They would win some like bullshit, state-level humor, competition prize. This is a Gary Brecher 1996 exiled article.

We got some war nerds in here. Here are the similarities between a national political race and a food network culinary competition. I shan't. I won't. No. No, I'm doing it so hard right now. I'm not going to do that.

I'm doing it so hard. You don't even know. Both play out before the eyes of millions of observers. That's true. In both, people who have risen high in their field compete for a prestigious prize and are often confronted with unexpected or awkward challenges. Accurate. Isn't that like most things that are on a high level?

Both involve a roster of contenders being winnowed down until one champion remains. And in both, the outcome turns on the verdict of arbiters, voters in one case, a panel of chefs and restaurateurs in the other, whose decisions are made on the basis of a highly subjective criteria. But now, consider the differences. I don't know. I don't think they're already. I honestly think they're identical.

You have to consider them. You have to consider them. You have not the obvious differences in the ultimate goal, cooking versus governing, but the differences in tone, conduct, and expectations. To begin with, politics is relentlessly negative. The more high profile the race, the more bitter and corrosive it becomes. Candidates raise vast sums of money through fundraising appeals that emphasize their opponent's fault.

Then spend that money on advertising, polling, and speech writing designed to cast competing candidates or the opposing party in the ugliest possible light. How dare they? That's not how things work on the food network. Damn right. It's almost like it's a different thing. Yeah, I mean, let's not go crazy. They're obviously the same thing.

Hold on. I'm auditioning for Jeff Jacoby's job. For instance, if Congress was a restaurant, one may per chance notice that all they serve is pork. My son is a hideous, fudge-consuming demon who I hate. My little goblin child that I made. My only child. Like politicians in a debate or candidates on the stump, cook squaring off on chopped

or beat Bobby Flay know that they can only win if they're judged more favorably than their opponents. But they don't... Yeah, that is literally the definition of competition. What the fuck? It's fucked up. You can only win by beating the other people, it's really fucked up. But they don't badmouth the competition or mock the mistakes of the other contestants.

Their overwhelming focus is on combining the ingredients they have to work with into something beautiful and palatable within the time allotted. They aren't above blowing their own horns or gleefully predicting their dish will wow the judges, but never have I seen even the most aggressive contestants disparaging their opponents' efforts. Okay, this motherfucker clearly has not watched somebody on Top Chef throw the other motherfucker under the bus. Am I right folks?

This is only in Britain where they do British Bake Off where they're all super friends and like there's no cash prize and everyone, when anyone gets voted off they like cry in the end and hug each other. Like it's because of a welfare state. Only a welfare state can make us human because American cooking shows are people just hacking each other with machetes. It's a war of all against all with tarragon. I would argue that there might be more negative, hear me out.

There might be more negative talk on cooking shows if instead of the prize being 10 grand it was executive power over a country of 320 million people. Slightly higher stakes. And if you had an army of billionaires backing you up to do independent media on your behalf. I kind of think it would be more like politics. To my mind, one of the most appealing things about food network contestants is that they accept criticism with grace on a recent episode of Guy's Grocery Games. Wait a minute, are you talking about Guy Fieri's fucking supermarket sweep knockoff?

No, he has two shows, one is Grocery Games, okay, anyway, I have to bring this up because Guy Fieri, that's how he just decided to pronounce his name, we have to respect his identity apparently. He did a cooking show and it was the second one, not the first one. And it was the one where he had to taste things and be like, you know, approval or not, but he proves of everything. He's a very positive guy. You're talking about driving dumpsters and dives?

That one, that one, yeah, he's just a wreck who's digging through the market. He just goes throughout the country eating from dumpsters. The dumpster behind the apartment complex in Raleigh, North Carolina is killer. He took a bite and he made that face, he goes, sex, that's how he indicates approval for food. I'm sorry, I got to get this out of my brain, it's screwing me up, but I thought of a name for a drink for our Congress themed pop-up bar, Matt, you ready for this? I'm ready.

Proforma say song. You know, it's a cult classic, it's not a blockbuster, but I appreciate it. Thank you. I don't get it. I'll admit it. Jeff closes this out. He says, he's talking about, he gives some examples of, you know, in political debates where people disagree with each other and criticize their people's points of view.

There's none of that on the food network, no filibustering, no blaming others when something goes wrong. Because it's not a fucking deliberative goddamn legislative body, it's some assholes in a goddamn movie Stevie's studio. But also, he's lying, they're vicious. No hiding behind vague assurances about a hypothetical plan, tune into politics and you get wind and bombast, tune into the food network and you'll see Gordon Ramsay calling a child a cunt.

No, I just made that up. Yes! That's what it's like and he had to go to America to be able to do that because of welfare state. Yeah, no, that's why the Thatcher government destroyed the welfare state because they wanted to fuck kids. I agree. If there's one thing...

They did. They did. That's not a joke. They did. They're kid fucks. They can take a lesson from it's reality television. Tune into the... Yeah, when did he write this fucking thing?

Like, last week. You know the fucking president of the goddamn United States is? All of the food network shows now are highly competitive, they're just real housewives. They're like, you ho, you call that a sponge cake? Like, what is he talking about? So tune into politics, you get wind and bombast, tune into the food network and you get people thinking on their feet. Get food.

It's almost in the name. Tune into the food network and you get people thinking on their feet, working up concrete solutions to specific challenges and proving that they can carry it out on the spot. Because they're making food. Politicians, that's politicians. They're making food. If it's not good, you just throw it away. You could...

It's not a healthcare system that determines the life or death of 300 million people. It's a goddamn fucking sandwich. You could literally do this with anything, like anything that isn't politics. You could be like, yeah, in the Bane bus, they fucking suck each other to completion and don't blame one another when they don't cream pie. I think we can all take a lesson. What if Donald Trump and Mitch McConnell suck each other off? Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Felix.

Our politics, just like the Bane bus, is fake. I always knew Santa Claus was fake, but when my parents told me the Bane bus was staged, that's like... That's the day I stopped being a kid when I was 23. Why can't real politics be more like nailing, paling? So he says, politicians deliver a perfusion of promises. Food network participants deliver an appetizer, entree, and dessert. Exactly!

It's food! It's a goddamn meal. If it's not any good, you could just get something from a vending machine. When I lie down in this... When I just walk into this person's house and lie down next to the person who's sleeping in the bed who isn't my wife, they scream at me and call the police. Yet when I go home, I just get a cold stare and then we silently sit on the other side of the bed and I read a book called, like, The Hip Hop Style of Baseball Player.

Just to... Okay, so that was his food. Why can't our dang politics be more like chop? I just want to read a couple of just the headlines of his articles just to give you just a sense for the utter banality of this asshole. Trump doesn't care about Montenegro. He should. Oh, no!

That's not real life. It's like he's never seen a James Bond movie. That's... Sir, I'll have you know that their main export is poor acts, which is crucial to many manufacturing procedures, sir. This is... This is like... This is a great insight into the mind of the Atlanticist, the guy who super cares about

NATO in the year 2018. Their life is just such a dull battery of like baseball games he taped in 1998, but he's like, ooh, I might want to go back and watch that one. The Brewers really had a great squadron that year and Food Network, he somehow watches all the non-competitive Food Network shows and just boring ass takes about like, you know, oh, if respect was a drink, Donald Trump would have a parched mouth. His life is just so boring that he subconsciously wants a thermonuclear war over a nation the size of Madison, Wisconsin.

Just anything to end it all, but he wants... It's like you could just kill yourself, you don't have to kill all of us. We don't have to have a fucking nuclear standoff over like Latvia. We don't have to do it, like you can just go or you can watch a different network. Yeah, the guys... You don't have to die. Like, come on. He's sitting there, he's drinking a Michelob light and thinking, you know what?

We should make Einsatzgruppen 2 to defend from Putin. Wasn't there that scene in Frost Nixon that was apparently taken from real life when, you know, Frost, not me, was dating a woman from Montenegro and Nixon was like, oh, it's just a murderer, there's no income tax. That's the main focus point I think he has for the entirety of Montenegro. A few more of his, just the headlines are fucking brilliant. Then I'm going to get into the second one. More babies, America.

Make more babies, America. Well, Jeff, your columns certainly get me in the mood. Jeff, I can't wait to have an awful child that I fucking rebuke in public newspaper articles for the rest of their life until they kill me and then are acquitted by a jury. Oh, God, it's so, it's so hilarious. The only exhibits for the defense are the columns I wrote about him. Greetings. It's so hellacious.

The only way any of us are going to be able to afford to have children is by writing columns about them where we condemn them. Greetings. I am human pundit, Jeff Jacoby. I require you to manufacture more delicious human children, leave them in the swamps. Imagine at least one person in the entire world read a Jeff Jacoby article and went up to his wife. He was like, yeah, we have to have a kid.

We have to have sex right now. No, okay, so it's this really smart guy, okay? He wrote this other article I wrote, or I liked. It was called The Manor's Primaries. A lot of really, really good points about how people don't say please or thank you anymore. And yeah, anyway, you need to have a kid in you. We need to do it. Jeff Jacoby told me we need to get a family.

What I love about that is though, is that that shit, that you need more babies America, that only makes sense if you're talking about white babies, right? So when they're saying that, you've got a guy like Jeff Jacoby. Yeah, strip of parentheses America. He spends his whole day just like sitting there drinking room temperature milk and thinking like, you know what, politics could be a lot more like the show Scrubs. And then his second thought is we must preserve the white race by all, by any means necessary. Just two more headline hits here.

Leave Google alone. No. Do not check my search history. I'm kidding. Do not do it. Finally, this one is a deer to my heart. Scrubs rage, but the Berkshire Museum's future looks bright. He typed the whole thing on like an old typewriter in a sailor outfit.

Okay. These are all the articles that Abe Simpson reads. Holy shit. All right. This next one is truly amazing because he departs from politics and just gets into all of the things that make him angry. Oh, finally, you're opening up to me. Yeah.

Race mixing. Am I right, folks? Wait, no, not that. This column is titled Life is Annoying. Don't make it worse. Life is annoying. I really enjoy all you guys at the Boston Globe. Don't come into work tomorrow.

Oh, man, I played through Jeff Jacoby's doom maps. We live in a time beset by grave problems and noxious ills, most of which you and I can personally do nothing to cure. Hurricanes and forest fires, gangrenous politics, global jihad, the Kardashians. Oh, he went there. Oh, man. You know, dude, I've fucking been saying it, Jeff, you know that society's fucked up when some fucking lady knows more about selfies in her phone than fucking books in a library.

That's right, dude. I hate those women. Has anyone ever called them the Karsinians? Take that one home. You guys can keep that one for free. You put that shit in your back pocket. Next time somebody is like, I've had it with those Kardashians, all you got to say is to them, you mean the Karsinians?

And that person will have sex with you. Being like an adult who's like really mad at the Kardashians is like, it's like the, it's the grown-up version of like singing a song about killing Barney. It's like, yeah, dude, you got him. Awesome. So you guys, but just because we can't fix all the villainy in squalor in America doesn't mean we can't eliminate some of it. You want to make America a better place?

I've got a few suggestions starting with don't litter. Number two, more white babies. Number three, thermonuclear war with Russia. Number four, greenhouse gases, all of them until we die. Matt, we're getting to that one. Oh, hell yeah. Keep that thought in the back of your mind. So he goes on to say, so he says, don't litter.

Litter bugs are selfish jerks. I got to say, I kind of agree with. Don't litter, honestly, don't litter. Let's come together with Jeff here. Finally, we are all very nice people who want the parks to look nice also, but don't be a nerd. Don't be a fucking nerd about it. Okay.

Just pick things up. So he goes, you know who else makes the world terrible? People who deploy umbrellas large enough to shelter a family of eight taking up the entire width of the sidewalk and leaving no room for anyone approaching from the other direction. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. They want to hoist an umbrella so wide it should have its own zip code. That's their business.

But when they use it to block or barge into other pedestrians, they become a public menace. Wait a minute. It's a matter of rudimentary courtesy. People carrying an umbrella are obliged to move or lift it out of the path of anyone not carrying one. Yes. So that they can get rained upon? Yes.

This is an antisocialist argument. They're umbrellaing others around them and he is upset because it is a social umbrella. No, he's clearly saying the umbrella is too large. There's maybe two people under a beach umbrella. It's ludicrous. Wait a minute. I'm confused. You just steal someone else's umbrella space.

I thought this was a Jeff Chico article, not a classic George Carlin riff. There is another evil that I have seen under the sun and it lies heavy upon humankind. Hoggish customers who don't return their shopping carts. The behavior is indefensible and the offender's lame excuses. It's too far to walk. I have small children in the car. That's the cart wrangler's job. Only compound their offense.

Let me be clear. If someone had no objection to pushing a cart up and down every aisle of the store, no complaint about wheeling it to the register, no reluctance about trundling it out the door to the parked car and then refusing to return the cart to the store or a corral in the parking lot is lazy self-centered wickedness. You want to bring some joy to this veil of tears, put your shopping cart back where it belongs. This, by the way, that article, he's ripping off.

The first appearance of that article, it was written in black letters and in an envelope with some white powder sent to the White House. What's it be like that that's the thing that bothers you every day? I'm trying to think of the numerical value of money that I would have to have where that was my primary concern, and it's in the billions. The traditional just Boston drunkie open, what the fuck are you saying? I don't understand you! I don't understand you!

What the fuck are you saying? Your accent is confusing. It's an unfrodieziac. Just calm down for a second. Just go out in the middle of the freeway and scream that like you all do. I know nowadays everybody thinks they're in their own dang reality show, and they're all Kardashians, but I'm afraid we're the only ones with microphones here tonight, sir. Anyway, back to the best type of Bostonian, Jeff Jacoby.

The only good Bostonian. While on the topic of shopping, a word to people who sample grapes or cherries in a grocery store. I will murder you! Don't! I will kill you and put you in an unmarked grave! These grapes! I have access to lime!

They will never find your body! There is nothing... You will be my slave of the afterlife! There is nothing subtle or complicated here. Being fruit without paying for it is stealing. Claiming you want to make sure the fruit tastes okay before you buy it is an empty rationalization. Theft is theft. Shoppers are no more entitled to eat grapes they haven't paid for than to drink a beer

or consume a couple of bananas they haven't paid for. When grocers want customers to sample food, they have an amazingly shrewd way of encouraging it. They put out free samples. Until you see a sign reading help yourself, don't help yourself. How many of you are like, housing bananas in the fucking fruit aisle? Do not eat bananas, it's too erotic in public, it's obscene. This motherfucker, he is basically admitting that he's the dexter of mild inconveniences.

He's murdering people with big umbrellas, people who take too many snacks at the fucking grocery store. He's cereal mom, he's cereal mom. He's like Hannibal but he can't cook. I'm now imagining like a watchman of shitty columnists. Like Jeff Jacobi is clearly Rorschach. David Brooks is, I guess David Brooks would be... Night owl.

Night owl. Yeah, he's Night Owl. It's because he's impotent, folks. Thomas Friedman is Ozzy Mandious, obviously, and Silk Specter is Megan McCartle. Back to one of the Zodiac Killer's letters. It says here, like Henry Higgins, I'm a very gentle man, even tempered and good-natured who you never hear complain. Does anyone remember this musical?

Any gays in the house? He molded a woman to behave in the manner in which he preferred. Henry Higgins is a patriarch. Anyway, sorry, go on. But let's face it, some people are a pestilence and shouldn't be allowed out in public. Jeff, we love the column but my struggle is like a little bit much. God, this guy, I love this, it's like, you know what, there's nothing I like on a Sunday, then the ball game on the radio and a nice hoppy pilsner and a cleansing rain that destroys

all the filth from the streets. Yeah, it's just like me and my son need a living space. Okay, so like, we're getting to the core of Jeff Chacobi's being here, and like, those were two very funny and stupid articles about nonsense that plagues his just dumb, pointless life. But this is what really is inside of him, these next two ones. This headline is, nitrogen gas may be the key to the most humane executions possible. I love the fucking, the grid of Jeff Chacobi articles because it's seven articles in a

row that are like, you know, like the seventh inning disrespect. And then like out of nowhere, like, what if we sewed twins together? It's cool, he doesn't like hip hop, but he really does like the Fuji's cover of Killing Me Softly. He says here, for 25 years, lethal injections generally worked as intended. At least when I did them. A standard three drug cocktail sedated and anesthetized the inmate, prevented convulsions and stopped his heart.

Death usually occurred within minutes. Then death penalty opponents launched a successful campaign to pressure pharmaceutical companies not to sell lethal injection drugs to prison systems. State officials scrambled to find substitutes, which often proved inferior. Lethal injections began to go awry. Executions became more gruesome and painful. Yeah, it's those anti-death penalty people that are making the death penalty so cruel. Now Oklahoma is trying it again, Oklahoma where the nitrous flows free.

The farmer and the executioner should be friends. Come on, you said there were some gays in the audience tonight, come on, musicals. They don't respond to you, they only respond to me. So he goes on here to talk about how nitrogen gas would be a good solution to this. And he goes, Oklahoma authorities expect these and other objections to be raised in legal challenges. For that reason, no executions will be scheduled for at least five months after the new protocols are finalized.

But if exogen by nitrogen works, as its proponents expect, other states will undoubtedly follow Oklahoma's lead, which is something even opponents of capital punishment should welcome. Abolitionists may believe that no murder should ever be executed, in fact, very few are. But as long as the death penalty remains part of the U.S. justice system, it should be carried out as humanely as possible. First of all, it's not a part of the U.S. justice system. It's the fact that we aren't a country, we're 50 little stupid countries. And some of us are like, I don't know, maybe someone kills someone, we'll kill him back.

He showed this article to Caleb the last time he was caught tilting candy. He was like, you know, Caleb. Caleb had an extra worthers original, he's like, Caleb, it won't hurt, but it will kill you. He got the idea for using nitrogen from watching Caleb do whippets. I mean, yeah, this guy man is a pure psychopath. Yeah, so like, in case you don't want to go any further into the suburban heart of darkness, you don't have a choice.

I have one more for you that does, I think, really, really underscore how an absolute monster this guy is. We need more than we need to make executions safe, rare, and capable of me to jack off to them. Yes, is the answer to that question. This column is titled, The Blessings of Climate Change. Here we go. Point Hope, Alaska is tiny and ill-provisioned.

An arctic backwater so inaccessible that basic groceries have to be flown in, you know where this is going. He's saying, because of ice caps melting and ice flows breaking up, they now have treats 24-7. They can just, boats are just going back and forth the whole time. The fentanyl comes down with balloons. He goes, he says at the end here, some people have all the luck, don't they? He says here at the end, the effects of climate change range from the obvious, lower heating

bills, death, massive, planetary extinction. To the subtle, more habitat for moose and endangered sharks. I love just, I love sitting at my desktop with my fucking stegosaurus walnut brain, just looking at my one picture of David Ortiz and then my one family portrait with like a bunch of X's over my son's face. And then going back to my computer and just, duh, if it gets warmer then we can have mangoes in Boston, duh. But literally 90% of the Earth's population is drowning to death.

Territory formerly deemed too forbiddingly cold will be growing more temporary. Oh, what about the territory that is currently in extant? Delicacies from lobster to blueberries may become more plentiful. But what about the rest of the fucking planet? Matt, Matt, Matt, bottom line, global warming will bring gains as well as losses. Up sides, no less than downsides, climate science isn't a black and white morality tale. Our climate discourse shouldn't be either. Oh my god, four billion people just drowning and burn alive.

Yo, all my losses was lessens. You won't be forgotten. God damn it. It's like, I love this. It's like, this guy is like the most milk toast motherfucker. This is the net Flanders of American conservatism. This is fucking, you know, a nice piece of toast and a glass of water for dipping. But one of his total milk toast opinions is, you know, if five billion people died in the

screaming agony so that I could get a blueberry, that'd be fine. He may not be the best writer, but you have to give him credit for founding Jacobin magazine. Boston, Massachusetts, Wilbur Theatre. Thank you so much. We are Chopo Trap Pass. Thank you. We will be. They're great.

We will be signing and selling books in the back where the books and the signing are. We'll be there in about 10 minutes. If you stick around, we'll be happy to sign a book. Boston, Wilbur. Really quick, fuck Brady, fuck Belichick, Gronk belongs in prison. The Jets are winning the division this year. Boston, we are Chopo Trap House. Good night.

Up next, a sequel to Episode 100 from our Hamden, Connecticut show, it's a countdown of the most evil people ever produced by Yale University. But first, I want to take a minute to thank you for all the treats and goodies fans provided us on the road. So shout out to Privateer Rum, Battery Steel Brewing, and Hanging Hills Brewing Company for all the booze, and a special thank you to the Nickelodeon Theater in beautiful downtown Portland, Maine. All right, on to Hamden.

Okay, so let's get to it. We're here just outside New Haven, home to Yale University. Oh, we got some Harvard fans here. I hate the borish manners of a Princeton man. Okay. I love that it's called the Ivy League, as if the presence of Ivy on a building doesn't in every other instance indicate decay, decadence, haunting, and madness. It's like there's a lot of Ivy in the Grey Gardens house.

This is our countdown of Yale's most evil shitheads. If you can see that image behind you there, that is one of the actual skull and bones groups featuring actual skull and bones that they stole from a graveyard and jacked off onto. These guys, every one of these motherfuckers legit jacked off in a coffin. Okay, okay, but wood, wood, that's it, there's two. I'm not mad about this grave robbing. I'm mad about the appropriation of witch culture.

Man, I feel that you go back to ancient history, it was just like, you and your homies could just fuck each other. It was fine. There was no special ceremony, and it's fine now, but in the in-between period, that's when they invented the Illuminati, because there is no other way to be homey sexual. There is no other way to be like, yeah, I fuck my wife, but I nut with my friends. It's true. You have to be like, oh, we're contacting Moloch, no, no, no, we're doing evil.

I'm not gay. This is the only way I can talk to the devil is if I come with my friends. That just shows how fucked up masculinity is, that you will go to the trouble of assassinating Kennedy and doing 9-11 just so you can bust with your homies. Toxic masculinity, yeah, toxic masculinity is like, you know, you do Operation Condor because you couldn't openly wear a mesh shirt in 1932. So yeah, this is our sort of unofficial countdown of the most evil people to come out of Yale University.

Now, this is by no means a, like, completeness list. We'd be here all night, and most of the true heroes from Yale University are now anonymous in working for the CIA, or help found it, the most singularly criminal organization in American history. They're the guys who put the Thermite Plasma in Building 7. They were doing the shoot dance with Massade on that day. I'm kidding. I think it was multiple parties who did it.

Okay, let's kick off this countdown with our first entry. This is sort of like the gag prize, dishonorable mention to Jamie Kerchik, who I only realized on the car ride over here actually did also go to Yale, and the reason I didn't, he didn't make the original cut of my list is that I searched Yale Famous Alumni. Yeah, also, like, he doesn't actually even talk on his own. They have to put peanut butter under his guff. So you're all, you're all probably familiar with Jamie Kerchik. He's a big fan of ours, a big fan of the show, a really great writer, and I'd like to share

a little of his writing with you now. He's got so many teeth. He's got so, so many teeth. He's got a lot of teeth, fam. I do like that he always looks like he just stepped out of dental surgery. Hey, Jamie, what's up? You been chewing on some bees? I want to watch him eat a carrot, just.

This is Jamie Kerchik. It's like if the eggplant, oh, she had eyes. I just love somebody who has an hourglass figure on their head. This is, this is Jamie Kerchik writing in the self-owned monthly left out gay recovering leftist explores why the dating life of a political minority can be lonely. I can't date someone with a different belief system is what he told me. I expected this answer from the guy I had been casually seeing. From early on, I expected that our differing political bents, his liberal mind more conservative,

would ultimately cause a split. Once we had a heated argument when I said offhandedly that people who could not afford to care for children should not have them, should not have them. Not a policy prescription, just a profession of personal ethics. Yet there's policy involved in that, really. I'm just saying I really like the movie Children of Men. It's not policy, just my personal opinion. After that, I tried to avoid political discussions altogether.

So his answer did not come as much of a surprise when a few weeks after we broke up, I asked him for his reasons. His beliefs euphemism didn't render... is that a real sentence? That's how you know you're reading a great writer. The sign of good writing is why you're reading it, you're thinking am I having a stroke? He said his beliefs euphemism didn't render the blow any softer. We're both Jewish. Awesome.

Neither of you are doctors, what the fuck are you getting excited about? No one's mother is happy about that union. So much for dating a proud progressive and ostensibly tolerant liberal. Oh, that's the best. Oh, that's so... You, oh, you're so tolerant, why don't you tolerate this substandard pipe? Wow, real accepting of never ever having an orgasm. But with him, as with other liberals I know, tolerance does not always extend to appreciating

someone else's differing political views. Now living in Cambridge and having grown up in the suburbs of Boston and gone to school at Yale, I've been surrounded by liberals for nearly all my life. Most would be astonished to hear that they're the most intolerant people I've ever met. This is a guy who was Marty Peretz's research assistant. Most would be astonished to hear, oh yeah, after all, I, the supposedly closed-minded conservative, never considered this guy's liberal politics anathema to the point of wanting to call off our relationship.

A Mary Madeline James Carville pairing, ours would not be. He goes on like this for a while. I'm trying to figure out how you could explain to him that actually his beliefs are antagonistic to the existence of this other person he was dating. I think maybe the best thing is be like, you wouldn't date an ivory poacher, because obviously that would be a danger to you. He just needs the right metaphor. You know, I think, there's about a billion of these articles since then by the way, from

all these asshole chuds being like, no one will fuck me, yeah, you really think you're accepting you and just let this random grotesque potato man in a fucking MAGA hat plow you while sweating and that you really tolerate. All these people are dying while they're getting broken up with for being political and they don't realize that these people are just really doing them a favor by just giving them any excuse to not say that you're just grotesque and disgusting and bad at sex, which is the actual essence. I think I'm the only person on the stage who has seen Jamie Kerchick IRL.

It was at the, when me and Brian Quimby from Street Fight went to the RNC in 2016 in Cleveland, we went to the Alex Jones rally next to the river and Jamie fucking Kerchick was there. It was 98 degrees, we were all sweating our balls off and he was wearing a three-piece pinstripe suit and he was waddling around, he looked like the fucking penguin with his little notebook and I was like, dude, what are you doing to get these people to fuck you in the first place? He closes out here, he says, most gay people are liberal and that is somewhat understandable. The left has embraced gay rights as part of its political agenda whereas the right, with

some important exceptions, has not. But for many gays, liberalism is just as much a visceral reactionary tendency as it is a positive affirmation of a political belief. Many gays I know, especially those from red states, blame conservatism writ large as the villain that repressed them for so many years. Yeah, why? Jamie grew up in Cambridge, he knows better than you. Thus, their homosexuality dictates their political views on everything.

For these gays, it is just the most a part of the coming out process to be loud, liberal as a proud homosexual. But there's nothing about my homosexuality that dictates a belief about raising the minimum wage with drawing immediately from Iraq and backing teachers' unions, all the liberal causes that I strongly oppose. There's a happy ending to this story, though. He gets he's reunited with a Simon and Theodore? It's my manga, big teeth.

There's a happy ending. Luckily I am now dating someone who, though more liberal than I, appreciates my political independence. And money. Let's just hope it lasts through this long campaign season. Thank you, Jamie. I'm glad things worked out for you. Wait, hold on.

The piece has an update. Oh, no, yeah, they're broken up now. It says update. Jamie Kerchik's still unloved and unliked. You know what, I feel like there's an unspoken thing about this article and articles like it. And that unspoken thing is, like, most people will really, like, if the person is, like, hot enough and has, like, just one or two personality characteristics they find interesting,

like, they could probably, they could be anything. If someone looks and acts, just in, like, one or two right ways, it's like, Boer War revisionist, whatever, let's go. It's just that these people, like, look bad and are no fun to be around, that they're like, all right, yeah, no, you're just too principled in your beliefs. I can't take it. I don't think ideology matters when you're seeking a romantic partner. I'll date pretty much anyone in respect of their beliefs, except for Dengists, because

of their deviation from the mass line. They are fatal revisionists, and they need to be put down like the dogs they are. That was the first thing on my OKQid profile, like, did Lin Bao deserve it, you know? All right, so that's our dishonorable mention that begins with Jamie Kerchik, who I forgot to put on the real list because he's not famous enough to be included in any roundup of well-known Yale alumni. Okay, let's go with our first real entry in this countdown. Eli Whitney and Samuel F. B. Morse.

Eli Whitney and Samuel Facebook Morse. Eli Whitney, of course, inventor of the cotton gym. Samuel Facebook Morse, of course, the inventor of Morse code. All I have to say about these two is, foe the fuck out of here with that shit. Cotton gym and Morse code, garbage. Next. Bullshit. Fucking Morse code was the coding of the 19th century.

Yeah, in the pre-Immgur meme gods to your life in the 1800s, it would be like, you know, a book where it's drawings of sort of a lithograph of Ron Swanson. And it's like, learn how to be an epic serve by learning Morse code. Eli Whitney, Samuel F. B. Morse, get the fuck out of here. Next slide. Harold Bloom. Oh! Harold Bloom.

Now, what I'd like to say about Harold Bloom, eminently fine literary scholar, well-known professor and writer, he's on the list because when I worked at WWNorton Livrite, he would bother me on the phone all the time asking for free books. And he would call me my boy. Really? How do you never tell me this story before? I'm telling it now. On the one hand, I like his opinions on canon.

On the other hand, I feel like there's a prolapse right behind my shoulder. Harold Bloom, cranky literary curmudgeon, fine critic. You called me on the phone, bothered me one too many fucking times. You're done. You canceled, sis! You canceled, and that is T. Books are trash. Get out of here.

What did Shakespeare say about getting canceled, motherfucker? My boy. My boy. I'd like the critical edition of King Lear. Okay, next slide. Tom Wolf. Tom Wolf. Yeah, so, you know, okay, he wrote some good books.

He wrote some good books, but he's mainly known for dressing like an asshole. I think he looks quite good. You can never eat ribs your entire life, it'd be a nightmare. Look, the right stuff, the electrocooled acid test, you know, yeah, he had some good books, but unfortunately, he squandered all of that credibility by providing this blurb for Jonah Goldberg's book, Liberal Fascism. Jonah Goldberg is the first historian to detail that. Are you fucking kidding me?

He called Jonah Goldberg a fucking historian? Yeah, Eric Foner, Jonah Goldberg, same thing. That's what Matt is like a stolen baller guy for his history. I'm not kidding. I'm not kidding. For that book, the motherfucker researched it by going out like, anybody know anything about fascism, hit my up DMs. He literally did that shit.

That's not a fucking scholarly methodology. Sir, who was your thesis advisor? That would be Don Lord, 72, he provided me with all this great stuff about how Hitler was a Democrat. Sir, sir, you have not earned that tweed jacket, take it off right now. You may not get the professor's discount. Yeah, the full blurb is... Socialism, folks. Stone soup.

The full blurb is, Jonah Goldberg is the first historian to detail the havoc this spin of all spins has played upon Western thought for the past 75 years, very much including the present moment, Tom Wolf. Wait a minute. Never meet your faves, folks. The spin of all spin being that the Nazis weren't liberals? No, the spin of all spin is that the Nazis were right wing. That's the spin.

Okay. Yeah, yeah, Hitler invented soy face. Himmler, I'm screaming. Ah! He's also indirectly responsible for the film, The Bonfire Vanities, which is another huge strike if anyone's ever seen that. But what a great book! I know that, I mean, it's one of the top five books I read.

I don't really have a choice in it being in that ranking, but, you know, top five. Oh, I totally forgot. I should have been proposing punishments for our categories so far. So Tom Wolf's punishment, I think Matt had it exactly right. Tom Wolf, your punishment is being forced to eat barbecue for the rest of your life, wearing those white suits. Or, ultimately, you're forced to go to a fancy French restaurant, but you're wearing an Indiana Pacers jersey, and no undershirt.

What is wrong with that? What if that's Tom Wolf's dark secret is that, like, when the cameras are gone, like, he padlocks his door and he just slides on Adidas basketball shorts, and, like, not even a licensed NBA jersey, just a jersey that would be, like, when you couldn't get the rights to something in a movie, just says the number zero zero in basketball on it. No, no, no, no, no. A propeller cap. When he gets home, it's yoga pants and an ex-boyfriend's hoodie.

Just, you know, slightly retroactively, Jamie Kerchick's punishment, of course, is continuing to be Jamie Kerchick. What was good about that reading series is it outlines exactly the punishment I would have proposed for him. Eliov at Whitney and Samuel at Facebook Morris, they don't have to be punished anymore. They're dead. Ladies and gentlemen, we got them. They've been compromised to a permanent end.

Why don't you don dash that up, bitch? You're dead. All right. Next slide, please. Jody Foster. Jody Foster. Okay. But this is sort of a gag inclusion.

Jody Foster is a fine actress and probably a fine person. The only reason she's on the list of Yale's most evil is she inspired the loser who didn't kill Ronald Reagan. Jody, you've got to let your stalkers know. If you really want to impress me, you've got to spend some time on the range. You've got to learn how to hit center mass every time. Or, or, if you're that fucking close, use a higher caliber than a.22. Idiot!

Seriously, if he'd used the fucking.357, Reagan would have been all over the fucking pavement. Didn't this app, didn't this app? I love all the Connecticut people acting like they're going to form an armed militia right now. The Nimbianese Liberation Army. I mean, didn't that asshole actually watch Taxi Driver? That was the whole point of that movie, was how big the gun was.

He honestly, like a.22 round, even with a man as old as Reagan, you'd have a better shot of lethal blow with like a melee weapon. He hit us in the head with a maze. Yeah. Imagine, dude, that would be so cool. Like Ronald Reagan, like our culture, that's the quantum lead up episode. Like instead of like this lionized piece of shit who ruined everything, it's just like, oh, that was really funny.

We elected this old piece of shit, then it got killed with a morning star. Okay, Jody Foster escapes punishment because this one was kind of a gag. Next slide, please. John Kerry. Whom amongst us? Whom amongst us? Don't want to be an American idiot, folks. Remember that song that defeated the Bush administration?

Is that in Eminem's Mosh, right? Well, yeah, okay, Mosh came out in 2004 and by 2009 Bush was no longer president. That takes a while to change the culture. John Kerry is, of course, on this list because he didn't defeat George W. Bush and in doing so, tried to play off his military service like it was a good thing in 2004, completely contradicting his completely correct take when he originally testified before Congress in the 1970s. Yeah, it's pretty funny.

It's like, actually, it was cool. I would like those medals back, please. Whom amongst us doesn't love dying for a mistake? How should we punish John Kerry? Wind surfing down the river sticks. The Green Day Broadway musical for the rest of his life. He's got to eat cheese steak, but with whiz. No fucking Swiss cheese, your lord.

It's better with whiz. It is. How about this? But he doesn't know that. He's going to actually try all 57 varieties of his wife's sauces. Okay, next slide, please. He has to play four to five evening with Felix, for sure. Excellent elimination.

Next slide, please. Van Jones. Who? Van Jones. Van Jones is basically a sort of liberal activism, nonprofit grifter. This is all you need to know about him. Jones is the president of something called the Dream Corps, a social enterprise, an incubator for powerful ideas and innovations designed to uplift and empower the most vulnerable

in our society. I just had a stroke, I smell toast. The Dream Corps owns and operates several advocacy projects, including Green for All, and Cut 50, and hashtag YesWeCode, I did not make that up, I swear to God I did not make that up. I don't feel good. Oh, my tummy hurts. So few people know this, but Van Jones used to be a Bay Area Maoist and an organization

of like eight people that, like most Maoists, keeps meticulous notes for posterity as if anyone cares, and now he takes like selfies with Newt Gingrich and his birdwife. Van Jones, what is your sentence? What do we think? He has to record the minutes for every micro sect Maoist group across America. Okay, Van Jones, you are tried, convicted, and sentenced to taking notes. Next slide, please. Stephen A. Schwarzman, I don't know if you're familiar with this guy.

Oh, this is classic pimp, classic pimp, and people in Connecticut know this pimp. This is a Margaret Keen painting, I'm still thrown off by the big eyeballs. Here is you all you need to know about why Stephen A. Smith, Schwarzman. This looks like, this looks like if Brian Peepers grew up, peppers, peepers, whatever. I like to call them peepers because of his weird eyes, but I don't accept it. This is all you need to know about why Stephen A. Smith is on this list. Stephen Allen Schwarzman is an American businessman, investor, and philanthropist. He is the chairman and CEO of the Blackstone Group, a global private equity firm that he

established in 1985 with former U.S. Secretary of Commerce Pete Peterson. His personal fortune is estimated at $13.4 billion as of August 2018. That's too much. You don't get that much, no one gets that much. That's obviously too much. I never heard of this guy, but I'm already ready to, yeah, condone. It is self-evidence why he is on this list. His punishment, I don't know, actual communist revolution.

Wouldn't that be hilarious? Okay, next one, please. Ben Carson. Ben Carson is probably the most unsung weirdo of the Trump administration. I mean, think about it, if we lived in any other era, him just being in the government would be a daily story of hilarity, buying $10,000 golden thrones for a fucking HUD to sit in. Well, he just nods off and talks about Zabakaya or whatever the fuck.

Yeah, Ben Carson, who behaves like just he has a full sleeve of Fentpatch is on and just rambles on about Bible verses of like dubious inclusion in the scripture. And just everyone's like, yeah, no real reason to check up what's going on with HUD. It's probably fine. I don't think you could ever accuse him of malicious ambition or of ambition at all. He's just floating through life. So I think he deserves a light punishment. My favorite thing about him is he doesn't know where he is.

Just quickly, my favorite unsung thing about Ben Carson. So he ran for president, as you guys remember, maybe, like I said, 10 million years ago, in the before time. And there was that hilarious brief moment where he was actually up in the polls over Trump and Trump lost his shit and just screamed about him for two weeks about how he was a psychopath. And he didn't stab his cousin in the bell buckle. Come on, folks.

Anyway, so Trump wins. And then they're like, ooh, is Carson going to be in the cabinet? And before he was appointed HUD secretary, he put out a thing through one of his spokesmen saying, Dr. Carson is a private citizen, and he doesn't feel that he would be experienced enough in any of the specific fields to become a cabinet secretary. The motherfucker ran for president. Oh, come on. You know, everyone has a lost weekend here or there.

Yeah. Amazing. And he has been absolutely flying under the radar in the Trump administration. Totally dismantling HUD, by the way. Well, no, I mean, I don't know what he's up to currently. I think it involves selling public housing to Six Flags Great Adventure. I just like the way that that old man danced. Here's the interesting Yale connection, though.

I don't know if you can see this, but I've paired the picture of Ben Carson with his personal friend Jesus, an actual painting he has in his house, by the way, with the Tooth Fairy from Michael Mann's Manhunter. Does anyone know why? Ben Carson and legendary character actor Tom Noonan were roommates their sophomore year of college at Yale University. True fact. True fact stated.

The Wall Street Journal, when Ben Carson was running and they were like, Ben Carson's past is scrutinized. Got this quote from Tom Noonan about what it was like living with Ben Carson. He would go to bed at like 9 p.m. and then get up at 4 a.m. or 5 a.m. and put on a suit and tie and jacket and a button down shirt and study in the very early morning. That's it. So Ben Carson, your punishment is the Freddie Lownds treatment from Manhunter. I suppose that's much harsher than we originally agreed on.

The thing is, though, can we all admit that the artist didn't know what Ben Carson looked like and instead used a picture of Billy Dee Williams? Because that's clearly Billy Dee Williams that is not Ben Carson. Yeah, that just looks like a really edgy Coke 45 ad. Next up, this is the part in the countdown where we are sort of crossing over from comically absurd into the actually evil. Next slide. Ben Stein.

Ben Stein. Ben Stein is a professional dork that most people know as the Ferris Bueller guy or the inoffensive game show host. He is actually one of the biggest pricks alive. He went from being a Nixon apparatchik and rat fucker to now a full-on 24-7 MAGA shithead on cable news all day long. This is something he said, Obama is a very real danger to America and we have to question why he has such a strong hatred of America and he said, I think it's because he's part

black. He goes, I don't know. Is it because his father was mistreated by the British in Kenya? I don't know. Here's what's more. I mean, that's racist, but also it is a pretty good reason. This guy's got some sort of a grudge against imperial powers just because he rounded up his family and put him in a camp, touchy.

You will also notice some text messages matched with Ben Stein. I'm going to read them here. This is the first one is just Ben. Where are you? Please send more sexy pics. Again, where are you? You have a hell of a lot on your plate, really a lot. Single mother, little money, very young, father absent.

It is 3.30 a.m., remember. You are a brave and brilliant woman. This one, money is in account. The response, thank you very much, dear Ben, little like heart emoticon. You are very welcome, of course. When we get here, I want to hug and kiss you. I understand you don't want to fuck me, but I want to touch and kiss you. Okay.

So he is poorly attempting to be a sugar daddy for a woman who doesn't even have an iPhone. That is a green message, that is exploitation. Here is the genesis of these text messages. In a story published in Business Insiders, you know it's true, they just summarized the column Ben Stein himself wrote for the American Spectator. The headline is, Ben Stein published a bizarre column about his secret girlfriend and obsession with any beautiful girl he meets.

This is extraordinary. When Ben Stein's money is canceled, the next game show is, where is Ben Stein's hug at? Ben Stein, the actor, cable news pundit, economist and former speech writer to Presidents Nixon and Ford, published a lengthy column detailing his crushes on an absolutely knockout young Eurasian woman. The sexiest kind. Oh, the Eurasian, such an intoxicating blend of ethnicities. I'm very bothered to know that I am Ben Stein's type.

Damn, she got that Circassian pussy. Matt, you're not far off. I'm sprung off of that tater shit. An absolute knockout. Tatar. You just call them taters? Yeah, tater. Like some delicious, delicious baked taters, what?

They invented them. That is your Thousand Islands stare moment. Oh my God. Oh my God. All right. Listen to this. It's not taters. Tartar.

No, there's no R. It's tartar. I don't think so. I think you're all wrong. Okay, man. The beautiful, the knockout young Eurasian woman, but also a breathtakingly beautiful middle aged woman, a beautiful cocktail party girl, three glorious coeds,

and someone he described as my secret girlfriend from Mississippi. He writes here, my main obsessions in my life are my wife, my dog, my son and his family, my secret girlfriend from Mississippi, and any beautiful girl I meet. I am like a teenager. I get mad crushes and they last about 10 minutes, maybe less than it's off to the next indicated action. I just fuck him today and forget him tomorrow.

Fucking pimp, dude. I love how it's like, yeah, I'm like a virile teenager. I just, dude, I see any woman. I jack off to her and then I try to look at spreadsheets. He's not a player. He just texts a lot. The indicated action is pressing on his fucking volleyball sized prostate to try to get some piss out.

They call me Mr. Hey, this is the first time I've used Venmo. Did you get it? In his column, Stein cited his entanglements with various women as examples of his belief that every person he meets is a door into that person's world. The first tale Stein recounted in this series was a story about meeting a woman in the San Francisco International Airport on route to a speaking engagement.

I came across a stunningly beautiful, absolute knockout. I bet you did. Absolute knockout young Eurasian woman. I spoke to her for at most, absolutely most five minutes. I pulled out my calipers to judge which area of the step her people came from. She told me, she told me, she told me she was half Vietnamese and half Dutch.

That's not what that means. Yeah, that's not Eurasia. Eurasia is like an area. I was impressed because there's not a lot of them. But Vietnamese, Dutch, he met the rapper Lincoln Bond. That's not fucking... Stein said the woman who he described as his little pal. Oh.

I love a pet name that sounds like a euphemism for your dick. You're so tiny. I want to put you in my pocket. I'm Ben. Ah! I know what Eurasian means. He's not. She's right. His little pal told him about her life, which included time working as a call girl. He said she wanted his help starting a career

being famous and successful. She wants... Okay, this is him writing right now. She wants Ben Stein to help her become a writer. She wants an agent. She wants me to teach her how to be famous and successful as a writer, as if I knew. He talked about himself in the third person there.

Stein said the woman eventually asked him for financial help and he was unable to turn her down. He went on to describe a relationship he had with a 32-year-old divorced single mother he met in a bar. She's a wild mixture of ethnicities. You know when you're more than one ethnicity and it's just wild? It's wild.

When ethnicities are wild and out. Does he have an in-app tie-in for Tinder that goes with 23andMe? This is incredible. You have to worry though, because sometimes the ethnicities will go wilding. The thing is, the way he talks about it is the humble reality is that somebody is multiracial.

It's just a very banal thing. One person of one racial background fell in love with another person of racial background and they had a child. That's all that is. It's very boring. It's like he thinks there was a gang bang at the it's a small world ride. And all the little fucking puppets fucked each other

and created this like super peeing. I love the idea of... And he's been growing her right now. I love the idea of Ben Stein and Nassim Taleb going out just cruising for strange. But just every girl that go up to, yeah, what's your haplo group? Yeah, that's a good ass combo.

Haplo Koop on your Grinch. She wants to be a movie star. She wants me to help with her bills. I was almost speechless at her beauty, but I also could not quite believe how many boyfriends she's had, including very famous movie, TV, music and sports stars, wrote Stein.

If that's her type and God bless her for it, she's not really likely to see much of a world overweight, nerdy economist who can barely put on his socks. I told her that and she just laughed. She said she wanted to come visit me in LA. Stein wrote that he told the woman she should come to LA and meet his wife.

Yes? He said subsequently, he said she subsequently tried to get him to book her a room at a hotel that cost more than $1,000 per night and asked him to give her over $2,000 for a dental bill. He characterized his relationship with the ex-call girl in Devorsee

as two episodes that are typical of my life when traveling. You're fucking will Chamberlain over here. I got to say, though, you're acting like this is a bad thing or embarrassing. This is polyvisibility. He's just exposing the poly lifestyle.

You want to have some fondue with my wife before 30 seconds of agonizing and unsatisfying sex? Ben Stein, your punishment is having these text messages really out in the world. By the way, this is absolutely random and totally meaningless,

but I hadn't heard this story before tonight, and it really contextualizes something for me, which is Ben Stein, after he had that show on Comedy Central, Win Ben Stein's Money, that was kind of a small hit, he also got a talk show out of it where it was just him talking to a celebrity in big chairs, and I was a kid

and I saw an ad for an episode he did with Jenna Jamison, and Jenna Jamison says to him, I just got my nipples pierced, do you want to see? Without a microsecond passing before the last word she says, he goes, yes.

And with that exact inflection, just like that zombo, yes. I realize I'm on television and everyone can see how intensely desperate and horny this makes me sound, but yes, yes, yes, yes. Yeah, Ben Stein probably like comes in monotone.

Like, there's no burst, it's just like a printer on a sheet of paper. It's just... All right, I'm finished. All right. We spent way too much time on Ben Stein. Let's keep it rolling. Your nut sounds like a fax machine going.

Let's hit the next slide. Lanny Davis. Whoo! Uh, excuse me, resistance hero Lanny Davis? How dare you, sir? Lanny Davis is probably one of the most vile lobbyists in Clinton tapeworms in Washington, D.C.,

which is truly saying something. He is the Democrat Paul Manafort. This is just a news item, this was from the New York Times last year. Since leaving the White House, yes, he did work in the White House, Mr. Davis has built a client list that now includes

coup supporters in Honduras, a dictator in Equatorial Guinea, for-profit colleges accused of exploiting students, and a company that dominates the manufacture of additives for infant formula. This month, he agreed to represent

the Ivory Coast strongman, whose claims to that country's presidency have been condemned by the international community and may even set off a civil war. Oh yeah, you haven't made a mistake. Mr. Davis was drew from his $100,000 a month contract with the Ivory Coast

on Wednesday night, saying that the embattled government refused to accept his suggestion to talk to President Obama. Still, his role in West Africa has stoked a growing criticism that Mr. Davis has become a kind of frontman for the dark side,

willing to take on some of the world's least-noble companies and causes. One of those currently includes Michael Cohen, Lanny Davis generally like one of the perfect, perfect avatars for the lobbyist and consulting class in Washington DC.

Yeah, total Dracula. Also, what is Lanny short for, realistically? Lanny or Davis. That doesn't. This is a guy with just like, look at the, just look at that picture of him on cable news. You can see the absence of a soul.

There's nothing going on in there. It's just empty. No one's home. A fucking complete husk. And my guess is his sentence is, the Clintons never return his phone calls or emails again for the rest of his fucking life. Any other punishments for Lanny Davis?

I don't know. His name is Lanny. He has to, he has to hang it like, Michael Cohen probably has some asinine like, guys hang out. You know, they all wear their best suits and eat steak and watch good fellas. And he has to hang out

there. That is brutal. Yeah. All right. Next slide. This is Kenneth Roth or as Chase Madar calls him, Ken Elmachete Roth. If you're not familiar, he's the head of Human Rights Watch, an organization that sounds good,

but surprisingly is it. Let me give you a hint. Ken just likes to watch. Human Rights Watch bills itself as one of the world's leading independent organizations dedicated to defending and protecting human rights. But wouldn't you know it? It's actually

deeply in bed with the U.S. government who currently does most of the things they're supposed to be watching. That doesn't sound right. No, wait, wait. You're saying that NGOs are just another arm of the Imperial Project, but like are a way for like, you know, Georgetown Grads to feel

good before they end up working for Lanny Davis? That can't be it. Ken is basically like the God-tier liberal hawk. He's a humanitarian who loves war if it's done for the right reasons. He loudly supported the Libya intervention,

and meanwhile in Afghanistan, Human Rights Watch basically has tacitly supported the war at every step. In 2003, Roth said human rights nonprofits should mobilize public pressure on the George W. Bush Administration and its European allies to take the security

steps needed to deliver on the promises of a greater peace and security for the Afghan people. So in other words, military occupation and counterinsurgency is what makes developmental aid and humanitarian work possible. In addition to supporting the Libya war,

the Libyan intervention carried out by Obama, he also very recently opposed the peace deal that was voted upon and passed that ended Columbia's decades long civil war. The longest running civil war I think in modern

history, if ever, maybe. Extremely long civil war and he opposed it, again, something voted for by the Colombian people because supposedly it let the FARC war criminals off the hook for their many crimes. Yeah, he's cool.

Looks like low-tea, lower-tea butt ceiling. Kenneth Roth, your punishment I'll tell you what it is. His punishment is he asked to sit in a room for eternity and talk about Syria with Felix. Well, he can also play

Rainbow Six Siege with me. Okay, next. Can't be a pacifist in this war, Ken. Next slide. Nira Tandon, everybody. Come back, Nira. Bars, lean, perp, Tandon.

Nira is, of course, the head of the Center for American Progress and spends most of the time when she's not barred up and tweeting it for in the morning, making sure that that progress that they're promising

never fucking happens. I do respect her fucking hustle because she has Felix's sleep schedule and yet she keeps a job. I don't understand how that's possible. That's the thing, how would you feel and you had given them millions of dollars and then you see

the person who's supposed to be running your influence tank just at 4am like, you know, I really like this Trevor Noah clip. What the fuck? She's, in many ways, the first SoundCloud think tanker. Just benzoed out

slowly typing tweets. She is, of course, cozy with the actual genocidal religious leader of India, Modi took a photo with him and said she was honored to meet him and discuss development in India.

Of course, Netanyahu, as you see, she was happy to host him. Oh, like, you don't have a problematic faith. But my favorite of all, in the hacked emails that came out during the election, we got to learn about this email.

The subject was, regarding should Libya pay us back? This is from near attendant. She says we have a giant deficit. They have a lot of oil. Good point. Most Americans would choose not to engage in the world

because of that deficit. If we want to continue to engage in the world gestures like having oil rich countries partially pay us back doesn't seem crazy to me. Do we prefer cuts to head start or WIC or Medicaid? Because we live in deficit politics

and we'll be happening ever more. We love making deals. We love it. See, that's my favorite kind of DC realistic pragmatic thinker is they're like these liberal, these fucking socialists, they don't understand that we live in deficit politics. We're it's a zero sum game.

Also, we should sneak over to the Middle East in a striped shirt and a big bag with an oil well on it and steal people's fucking oil somehow. Like, that's not how it works. You can just take the oil. Trump says that and his brain is Swiss cheese. Yeah, this is literally

a Donald Trump thing. Word for word. She's a genius. That's like just all the biggest pieces of shit in DC. All the foreign governments who spend billions buying influence

all the shitty people who are buying their liberal indulgences and want influence in like a potential Harris or a Clinton administration. It all gets funneled to this lady and you just get these fucking gems. You get, let's

turn Libya into an occupied colonial state or like, you know, why don't we have a deficit awareness concert. Just fucking idiocy. It really does speak well to the completely dumb person.

The institutions that create these, yeah, like this motherfucker went to Yale. People are incredibly credentialed and she's sitting there at 4 a.m. with like a fucking pint glass of fucking cough syrup playing Stardew Valley and going, you know, maybe empire.

That's a good idea. Have we tried doing that? Okay, we got to pick out the pace so we're never going to get the rest of these even ourselves. Okay, nearest punishment go on choppo. That's her punishment. Bend the knee. Next slide, please. Joe Lieberman.

Wow. Ouch. All right. Let's just bang this one out real quickly. Joe Lieberman. You suck. Easily one of the worst senators in American history. Huge piece of shit. One of the worst senators in American

history, Al Gore. Look like a motherfucking Kibler Elf. Al Gore basically deserved to lose for picking him as his VP. Jack's off while putting it through a hole in the sheet. He has veerled on knots. He's a turtle

face goblin and hair's the same color as his face. Here's my favorite quote about Joe Lieberman. This is from Jeffrey Goldberg, another gem, writing in The New Yorker who wrote this about Senator from Connecticut.

Lieberman likes expressions of American power. A few years ago I was in a movie theater in Washington when I noticed Lieberman and his wife Hadassah a few seats down. The film was behind enemy lines in which Owen Wilson plays a US fighter pilot shot down in Bosnia.

Whenever the American military scored on an on-screen hit, Lieberman pumped his fist and said, yeah, it's alright. He's a toddler man. He was also eating a can of baked beans. He was also

wearing crushed velvet culottes. Joe Lieberman had a gigantic lollipop. Joe Lieberman, your sentence is Viking funeral with John McCain. Next slide.

John Bolton. Okay, seriously, seriously, not much needs to be said about John Bolton. He is easily one of the most psychotic and dangerous people ever to serve in the US government and is currently spending every waking moment

trying to find a way to start World War 3. Dead zone this bitch yesterday. Yesterday. Okay. We now get into the top tier. This is the highest bracket of evil in Yale.

Do we dare proceed? Alright, bring up that next slide. God damn. How have you people not burned that fucking college down yet? What is wrong with you? Every day it's just sitting there.

Those buildings are flammable. You got gasoline? Sometimes they give deserving people awards. All I'm saying. Clarence Thomas, Samuel Alito, and soon-to-be Supreme Court judge, Brett Kavanaugh,

all walked out of Yale's womb. Again, honestly, most comments here are superfluous. I got no reading series on them. They are all in Carcosa. They all do yellow king shit together.

And seriously, they will have their claws dug into the neck of this country for at least a generation. Folks, start working on your Pelican briefs now. Seriously, if a fucking restaurant, if three guys came out of a restaurant shitting fire out of their assholes

and turbo-puking in a row, you'd close it. And that is what these guys have done. They're just shitting all over us. And they're like, no, it's a fine college. Keep it up. Have you been to the library? So, Thomas, Samuel Alito,

and Brett Kavanaugh, your punishment is the Pelican brief. Look it up. Again, not legally actionable. The Pelican brief, for those of you who are too young, he was the mascot for Fruit Loops.

And he was pretty sassy. And I think he would give even all three of these credentialed lawyers a run for their money. Next slide. Alan Dershowitz. We fly high. We fly high.

Nola, you know this. Jeffrey. Alan Dershowitz, by the way, the only person to make our Harvard and Yale most evil countdown. He's evil, folks. He's pretty evil.

Yeah, he is the Dion Sanders of alleged chamos. Again. Prime time, baby. Flight logs, let's go. Again, the more evil these guys are, the less needs to be said. You know Alan Dershowitz. You know he was on those flight logs. You know he probably killed his first wife.

And you know what he's done with the rest of his life, helping other rich men get away with killing their wives. And I know that none of you are recording this because I have more computable referrals to buy. I cannot pay for a lawyer right now. Thank you. Do not delete all recordings now. It's fine because we have actually retained him as counsel.

Anyway, we're going to be safe. Yeah, that's why he's the best. He gets you in the end. What is Alan Dershowitz's punishment? Ooh, okay. There's the world's first self-piloting airplane, but its AI is crafted out of John McCain's memories.

Ha ha ha ha ha! Woo! Woo! Ha! Born by age, Alan! Ha ha ha ha! Slide, please. The Clintons!

Both... both Bill and Hillary Clinton went to Yale. What are you fuckers putting in the water in here? Jesus Christ. Oh my God. Again, like Alito and Thomas and all these assholes, like fucking Dershowitz who's going to be on TV until the day he dies,

we are just stuck with these motherfuckers. They will never leave us alone. And Chelsea is... Hillary's going to do the get-out procedure on Chelsea and then run for president again. That's going to happen. I mean, you know,

this list isn't without its moments, though, because Alan and Bill have kind of a plane-based story if you catch my drift. Bill was on those flights, too. It's true. What's funny about this picture, by the way, what I love about that

and the Dershowitz connection with Jeffrey Epstein's plane is like, you know, we make fun of, like, Pizzagate and QAnon people all the time. But literally, the two choices that you had to vote for leader of America and, by extension, the rest of the world in 2016

were both literally on Jeffrey, not Hillary Clinton, but there was, like, one away, Bill Clinton and Donald Trump. She was there. She was hanging on to the wing like a gremlin. They were both on those fucking flight logs. So make of that what you will. No, that's the thing.

It's like the only problem I have with the QAnon Pizzagate people is that they're like, yeah, no, one of these pedophiles is good, actually. He's only being a pedophile to go undercover and catch the other pedophiles. Yeah, he's a white hat pedophile. Okay, we got to wrap this up.

We only got a couple more to go. So here is the punishment for Hillary Clinton. She is doomed to continue to run for president and lose to increasingly ever more absurd and ridiculous figures. Dog the bounty hunter. The noise.

Matthew Lesko. The Philly Fanatic. Yeah, of course. I'd like to congratulate the Philly Fanatic on the wonderful race he ran. Well, the Billy Big Mouth bass may sing you some songs, but... He can't tell you how he'll do it, will he?

Next slide. Okay, this one's sort of a deep cut. James Jesus Angleton. Yes, the company, baby. Yeah, Matt, can you give us the rundown on this guy? He rules. James Jesus Angleton was a blue blood Yalee

who was one of the founders of the CIA, one of those original guys. Like, their thing is he's based basically standing for a ton of these guys, like Richard Bissell also from Yale. Basically, all the other figures weren't from Princeton or from Yale. You didn't have to say he was blue blood.

His eyes are situated like a lizard. Yeah, no. He's got the Innsmouth look. His family fucked fish. But he was the chief of counterintelligence in the CIA for decades. Basically, he thought everybody was a secret Russian

double Asia, and he tortured people for days and weeks to try to get them to reveal it. He was involved in every CIA assassination and overthrow attempt that happened during the entire time. Yeah, he rules. He's a good dude.

He's the representative for the company, which is just one of the things that Yale has helped birth into the world, a military intelligence state. So well done. Way to go, guys. He's got a lot of friends.

He could literally see behind himself. Here's the best fact, though. He was obsessed with counter espionage and that literally everyone, including many, many mostly innocent people, were Russian... Who was his best friend? His best friend for was Kim Filby.

Yes! Telescopic vision doesn't work on that, mother fucker, that king. It'd be your own. They were like doing slap and tickle school fun times in Washington. And he's like, no, he's good. And then, yeah, he was a Russian agent.

You got owned by Filby. How should we punish him? I think, look at him. He's been punished. I know, just put his eyes where they're supposed to be. Just put fucking... like, gorilla glue over his gills.

Okay, next one. This is the second to last one. Number two, George Bush Sr. and Jr. God damn people! This is the worst La Pieta I have ever seen. Again, the deeper...

That's one polycule I will not join. Again, the deeper into this list it goes, like, the less needs to be said. Bloodthirsty monsters. What the fuck, Uni? I'll see what you say about George Bush. And his awful son. Yeah, just ghoul Dracula.

The worst. Can't see themselves in mirrors. Just awful. Two different Iraq wars. If they liked it once, they'll love it twice. Just as motherfuckers hated that fucking the mess of itamia, they just hated it. Fucking George, both of those guys

they saw the first map and they saw the fertile crest and they're like, I'm coming for you, motherfucker. You're going down. You think you're cool? Cradle of civilization? Cradle of my dick, bitch. I want to say I believe in redemption stories and, you know, we've all had our problems with the father, George H.W. Bush,

but when he, like, you know, threw a team of interpreters who figured out through his system of drools and blinks that he was condemning Donald Trump's racism, like, that was great. Yeah, and then when, you know, fucking George Bush, like, gave a

Werther's original to Michelle Obama. Awesome, dude, I forgive you. George H.W. Bush punishment, I don't know, being married to Barbara Bush for many, many decades. The blue blood, the fucking blue blood bickersons.

George W. Bush, your punishment is you have to sit, pose, and be painted by your many, many hundreds of thousands of Iraqi victims, not just the U.S. soldiers

that you love capturing with your oil brush. Like a fucking serial killer. Yeah, like fucking John Wayne Gacy. Okay, not a lot needs to be said about these two. And now finally, our number one most evil person from Yale,

bring him on down, it's William S. Buckley! We're on our way down, bucky! Look at that coiled potency. That feel when the potency is coiled. William Buckley?

I mean, you know what? I'm going straight to the punishment. He's already receiving it in hell right now. That honestly looks like it's like it's like that Vince McMahon meme only he's watching like a Guatemalan nuns get murdered.

Hahaha! You know, here's the two and two I never put together with Buckley. And I know we're running short on time, but you know, Buckley always wanted a more European style of conservatism, right? Sort of an educated style of blood and soil nationalism,

a high, high Tory literarism. But the one thing he really took from Europe, he took from Britain in certain activities you do with students. It's pedagogical. That's the pedo it is. Strictly pedagogical, folks.

He's in hell right now having a hot poker shoved up his ass by the devil. Okay. For sitting through that countdown of 22 or 23, 25, of those incredibly evil shitheads,

here is your reward. The most blessed Yale alumni. Paul Giamatti, everybody! My beautiful boy! Look at him! Paul Giamatti! Oh, look at him!

The most beautiful man in the world! Oh, God. A glowering cherub. Folks, it's not all bad is what I'm trying to say. It's mostly bad. But maybe Paul Giamatti will be there. It's like, global financial crisis

happened, yes. But then a few years later, there was a movie about it, and guess who was in it? Paul Giamatti. So, when there's the next crisis that we're all made homeless and living in Mad Max Hell World, there will be one billionaire psychopath with a movie studio projecting

films onto the moon's surface, and guess who will be in it? Paul Giamatti. Sometimes the most beautiful flowers grow upon a pile of dung. Okay, guys. That is the Yale Countdown, and I think I've got to the end of my queue for the evening. Yeah, we did it.

Hand in Connecticut, you guys have been an amazing audience tonight. Hand in Space Ballroom If you give us just five or ten minutes, we will be in the back signing books. I hope to see you there. Once again, we are

Shop Out Rap Palace. Thank you guys so much. Good night. Thank you.