Chapo Trap House - Episode 254 - Best of the Midwest: Columbus & Chicago feat. Brett Payne and Bryan Quinby (10/15/18)

Episode Date: October 16, 2018

In the first part of this double shot of recent Midwest live shows, we're joined by Street Fight's Brett and Bryan at The Columbus Athenaeum for a dive into Charlie Kirk's extremely shitty new book "Campus Battlefield: How Conservatives Can WIN the Battle on Campus and Why It Matters" Then, from Chicago's House of Blues we introduce an unforgettable new character into the Chapo pantheon of Op-ed shitheads. Tickets still available for Madison and Minneapolis!!!! http://chapotraphouse.com/tour/

Hey, we're talking Chappo. It's Matt and Will coming to you from Madison, Wisconsin. That's right. We are full of cheese curds and brandy old fashions, and we will be performing tomorrow, Tuesday night, the 15th at the Barrymore Theater. There are tickets still available, but I'm here to talk to you now about these two segments that you're about to hear on this sort of a best of the Midwest tour compilation. Now, I know if there are two segments from live shows, but you know, bear with me here. Let me tell you on the first act, live in Columbus, Ohio at the Athenian Theater, which is literally a giant haunted spooky masonic temple.

It's true. Not not lying. Not making it up. We did. We've we're now Freemasons. Yep. That's a cane, two will came fam. I'm not supposed to say it, but I'm just going to let it out there to will came for 10% off at Quizno, say, quote, two will came and do the secret handshake. Of course. So live on stage with Brett and Brian. Come on, Chappo and street fight together. You know, you're in trouble. You got, you got to listen to that. If you're still not sold,

we spent our acts talking, breaking down Charlie Kirk's incredibly hilarious direct mail pamphlet. I mean, book about his war against the SJWs on college campuses across America. Would you believe there's some incredibly funny stuff in there? Okay. Could you believe it, folks? Okay. Not sold yet. In the second part, you will hear us from just last night from the live on stage at the Chicago's House of Blues, a stage that we were assured by the stagehands was once shared by Steven Segal and his band. Yes. Songs from the Crystal Cavern.

Get the punani. Now, this is very important. If you're a Chappo fan, again, I know it's a live show, but you will not want to miss the introduction of a brand new character into the Chappo verse. Yeah. This is this guy. I mean, you know, I'm not even going to, I'm not even going to tell you who it is or what it is, but you are not going to want to miss the induction of a, let's say, local media columnist from the greater Chicago area into the Chappo pantheon.

It's hard to believe that we will not be referring to him again in the future because, holy mackerel, he is just a goldmine of content. Yeah. Get in on the ground floor now, again, from just the other night live from Chicago's House of Blues, the place where Dan Ackroyd invented blues music in 1982. So, without further ado, I will just remind you again that we have a show tomorrow night in Madison, Wisconsin at the Barrymore Theater Tuesday the 16th, and there are still tickets available for our early show in Minneapolis on Thursday the 18th. So, if you are in the Great Lakes or Wisconsin area, we hope to see you soon.

Penny for the delay. Here we are live on stage with Breton Bryant in Columbus, Ohio. Okay, so for the second act of our show here tonight, we're going to take a dive into a recently released book. This is a book that's about, it's about war. It's about the ideological war that is tearing this country apart. And this battle is being waged on college campuses. That's right, subs versus dubs. You guys, you guys know about this, you know, Ohio State is right here.

You know, nobody say OH, no, stop that. So, yeah, like the, you know, one of these big battlefields just down the road here, got to keep fighting, and the general leading this important battle is a boy with dolphin-style teeth named Charlie Kirk. Let's look it up. Okay, first, this is the cover of the book. It was just released this week. First of all, I just want to note his hand.

He's Andre. He's very white Andre here. He's like, in the face, he's white ordeal. In the hands, he's white Andre. He's doing the reverse steepling with his hands on the cover. Yeah, Don Jr. was supposed to come there to put his hands in vertically so they could jack off. We just never made it. That's so sad that he put the, that's his big claim to fame down there. The forward to this book was written by Don Jr. Oh, yeah.

So, just a few facts about Charlie Kirk. Before we, this is just like a few facts about him to frame this discussion. So just keep in mind as you, as you hear me read the words that he wrote. Every chapter of this book is basically like a written in the style of a direct male item to old people that just eat gruel all day. So this is, this is the first one here. Here we go. This is from a political profile of Charlie Kirk.

His skull is entirely covered with gum. Do you think those are both Livestrong bracelets? I would love to stand behind Charlie Kirk in a bathroom mirror and just floss him. I want to measure his gum so bad. Like I just want to take a ruler and put them up to those top gums and see how big they are. Maybe do a poll. He's a natural dipper. Yeah.

He's very lucky. I love the human style posture. He's adopted for the cover of this book. So yeah, this is from a political profile in Charlie Kirk. And I just want to read this one quick thing. The issue is tied to Turning Point USA's founding Kirk told me and has said in public several times that in high school he received a congressional appointment to the U.S. Military Academy at West Point, but lost that slot to a different candidate.

A person he told me was of a different ethnicity and gender. He believes the other candidate may have been admitted because of affirmative action. West Point officials have said they do consider race and admissions, but only for candidates who also fully meet their admissions criteria. So Charlie is saying I definitely would have served in the military as an officer, of course, but an affirmative action and candidate stole that slot away from me. And what I love about that is like, Charlie, you still could have enlisted in the military. Yeah.

No, he had to be a West Point graduate officer. No, he went to apply for the Army and they said, sorry, we're full. We just gave your spot to a disabled Latina. The next one is from Ashley Feinberg in Huffington Post. Headline, Turning Point USA keeps accidentally hiring racists. Whoops. Why do these homosexuals keep sucking my dick? I mean, you know, you could criticize them, but that's the only way to fight affirmative action.

Uh, the group's former national field director, Crystal Clanton got down with a K2, right? No. I'm sure that was her nickname. Crystal Clanton, who once texted a fellow Turning Point employee. This is all caps, by the way. I hate black people. Damn girl, I just want to know where do you want to go for lunch?

That's a, that's conservative Romeo dialing. Hey, you up? I hate black people. All caps, I hate black people. Like, fuck them all. I hate blacks. End of story. Ma'am, this is a Wendy's.

The next Turning Point employee, I swear to God, this is her real name, Shaley Grumman. No. What the fuck? Come on, I'm an Amber Frost, and even I'm calling bullshit on that. The next tweet of hers is, I am always making racist comments, LOL. Yeah, that's just a bot. Yeah, fix that.

Next tweet from Shiley. If you're a race other than white, I promise to make racist jokes towards you. That's the Shaley promise. That's a bad deal. I have no thank you, ma'am. So, Ashley got on my card. So Ashley got an internal memo from Turning Points USA that was circulated to all staff. It's brightened the red at the top internal memo to all staff regarding social media policy.

As always, Turning Point USA is constantly evolving to better protect the organization and our staff. To ensure that our staff is adequately supported, TPUSA is providing a new, all new and former staff with complimentary social media background checks that will begin to be conducted over the next month. If you have anything in your social media past or present that could potentially damage your credibility or the credibility of the organization, please contact your manager, myself, or if necessary, human resources at HR at TPUSA.com.

What does it say that the conservatives at least give you a warning shot and the Libs will just go right after you? Well, the thing is they're searching to make sure you have tweeted the N-word. Well, I mean, you say like, why are they giving you a warning? It's because this grassroots political organization has a fucking HR department. By the way, none of you, I don't want to give you the, anyone here in the audience tonight, the impression that you should email HR at TPUSA.com. Again, that's HR at TPUSA.com.

Your dear HR, my balls stink. Okay, so let's dive into Charlie's book. Campus battlefield, how conservatives can win the battle on campuses and why we fight. All right, how do you, how much do you want to bet that he got this thing written by Fiverr? He was just like, one, it's someone to write a paragraph and he did it like 500 times. I mentioned that the forward to this book was written by Don Jr. And I just want to read just a little bit from Don Jr. He says, during the summer of 2016, I met Charlie Kirk.

He was 22 years old at the time, and I will admit, I had my reservations. We already had enough political novices working on our campaign. And the last thing I wanted was another young kid who had no idea what he was doing. But the more time I spent with Charlie Kirk and the more I learned about Turning Point USA, the more I realized there was something unique that we were missing. This is a fucking penthouse letter. I had reservations about our new hire. But then we spent a lot of time together at the office late at night. And I realized he was fucking hot.

We had an awesome three way with TP field director clandest clump. Here's my favorite line though. The more I realized that there was something unique that we were missing. Our core team soon adopted Charlie. They filled out the papers and everything. Charlie Kirk is now... Oh, that explains why he wears diapers all the time. He's cosplaying as an adopted infant.

We recommended him a barbershop, a tailor. You might say we groomed him. Our core team soon adopted Charlie to travel the country with us, to plan events, hit college campuses. He's talking about them like they're active shooters or something. And barn store in the country. It was a ragtag army of, listen to these names, Gentry Beach, Tommy Hicks, and Charlie Kirk. Gentry Beach?

Yes, Gentry Beach. Are you fucking kidding me? That is the name of a man with one nostril and an uncle mom. Bujwa Patterson was busy? What the fuck? This is my... Our team of all the dukes of hazards enemies. Listen to the way he ends this forward. Please enjoy this book, share it with your friends,

support Turning Point USA, and get involved. The fight is only beginning, and we need your help to save the greatest country ever to exist. We cannot do this alone for making America great again, Donald Trump Jr. I mean, this is just telling you that the audience for this book about fighting on college campuses, like the median age is like 85 years old. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

It's just scaring grandpa into giving you money, because if the kid goes to college, they're going to come out without a gender. And they're terrified of that. It's like a big car wash, and they just scrape your gender off. But he's the perfect, you know, spokesperson for them, because he's like a 24-year-old with the politics of Monty Burns' mom. He's the most disgusting of all these young, really cynical, you know, safe space people who just get by on outrage,

because somebody like a Caitlin Bennett or, you know, these dipshits, these women grime. They're basically Instagram thoughts for politics. Yes. You know, they wear a gun to the commencement, or they like fucking fire an anti-personnel rocket and a fucking Quran or something. They go through the work of pissing people off. Like, you know, they like go in a bikini in a pool, and they just like deep throat 500 straws to trigger the libs.

Like they're going through the work as much as any of those Instagram grinders do. This guy literally just skipped up to his dad while wearing crushed velvet cool-ots and holding a giant lollipop and said, Papa, I would ever so much like to trigger the libs. Would you please tell your rich friends to give me some money so that I may have ever so much fun? Brian, you told me that you saw a TPUSA on campus. I was walking through the oval not too long ago,

and there was a guy just sitting there that said, freedom of speech includes hate speech, change my mind. Well, I didn't have to do anything, because there were already like 50 college students just screaming at them. It was, it really was. It was like three people that looked to be about 17 years old. And like, like with rich parents, probably, I would guess. I don't know, they just, it was not a cool grout.

They love that. They love, like Steve Grotted, they love that now. They put out the thing and they say an inflammatory thing, and then they say, change my mind, because all they want is footage of triggered college kids crying at them about how awful it was. And I just don't understand the urge. Like, in a, when it's phrased that way, like, change my mind.

Who the fuck are you? You know, it's like, if you have a side, so I was like, ah, racism isn't a big deal to change my mind. It's like, I'm sorry, do you have the end racism button under that fucking table? And I have to convince you to press it? You're just some fucking asshole. I don't give a fuck what you think.

Okay. Oh, wait, wait, wait. Refresh my memory about this. Didn't Don Jr. Can I have to have Charlie Kirk meet Donald Trump? And afterwards, Donald Trump got pissed and was like, this guy sucks. You fucking suck, Don.

Yeah, yeah, because Charlie- You're demoted to Baron. Yeah, because- I hate your fancy little friend. Never bring your fancy little friend. Never around again. Because Charlie Kirk was like, Mr. President, isn't it true that your supporters

are routinely beat up, booked, pantsed, and stuffed to the toilet just for supporting your policies? And Donald Trump, like, he can't think that he's unpopular anywhere, and he's like, no, everyone loves me. Yeah, that was really funny. The math club, the chess club.

They tried to get him to admit that it was hard to be a Trump fan on campuses, but he's like, no, everyone loves me everywhere. What are you talking about? Yeah. Cheerleaders are breaking out in spontaneous songs about the apprentice show. Wonderful.

At the risk of leaning too heavily on Simpson's comparisons, this is Don Jr.'s millhouse. Yes. Yes. Can you imagine how many millhouses Don Jr. has brought to meet his dad over the years? I'm not mad.

He's so mad. It's millhouse's millhouse. This guy is- The most awful concept possible. No, it's Ralph's millhouse. Millhouse, Ralph's millhouse. Charlie Kirk is such a tough sell, because even as someone that rides an electric bicycle

is my main form of transportation, I want to roll coal all over that fucking powder blue jacket. All right. I want to get into- I fucking hate, it's such a nerd. I want to get into Charlie's actual writing here. All right, this is from the introduction. You may have seen this clip shared,

but it's worth reading. This is the introductory paragraph of this book. This is when you establish your relationship with the reader, your credibility and your will- Why you should be listened to. He begins. Who could have imagined that I would need police protection to talk about freedom on a university campus?

I never thought this would happen to me. Anyone who saw you ever- A university of all places whose very essence is the freedom to pursue knowledge and wisdom no matter where it takes us. No, it's about reproducing the class. Go on. Yet here I was needing eight private security agents

and 30 police officers to secure my safety at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign so I could deliver another of my smashing socialism lectures. Here he goes. Smashing. Here he goes. So he's off the powers. He comes out with a fucking watermelon

that says socialism on it, and he hits it with a fucking hammer. Here he goes. As I climbed onto the stage, the wild screaming got louder and louder. Charlie Kirk is a jerk. Carly Kirk. Carly Kirk is a jerk.

How do you have a carer for that one? Holy shit. Here we go here. Nice alliteration that- But I've been called worse. That's rhyming. That's not alliteration. That's fucking rhyming.

This whole book, he talks about how universities have lost their way and they used to educate kids in like the classical canon and grammar. And on the very first paragraph, he badly botches what alliteration is. Driving back to Chicago, I reflected on the event and was struck again by how intellectually curious

the University of Illinois students were. They really wanted to learn and see another point of view. There was something good happening on American campuses that the media was ignoring. It was a spark that would grow into a bonfire. He talks about all those lectures that he goes to. At each, I was met with resistance from far left radicals, but I saw firsthand thousands and thousands

of students curious to learn more about America, free enterprise, and the Constitution. No chance it's in the thousands. Not even 1,000. No, not even one of them. Three digits max. A lot of people probably went up to him and are like, why do you stand that way?

Why does your mouth look like that? Why do you always look like sort of pained? And he's like, oh, they want to learn about enterprise. Sir, are you okay? Do you need me to call someone? A lot of students are too drunk to go to a fucking history class and they need to sober up for a minute first and talk to Charlie Kirk, okay?

It's a real thing. Thousands of students went up to me and said, where are your parents? Are you lost, little boy? Chapter one is called, your job is... Gum reduction clinic is down there. That's a thing. Chapter one is called...

Just push it back. You just push it back. You reduce the gums, it's real. I feel like I'm more better at insulting people's appearances and you should do the more political stuff. No, it's fine. His gums are hella big. I'm a sassy bitch.

Chapter one is called, your job is to shut up and listen. No, I have a podcast. I really like... This is really hot. Charlie the Dom. Awesome. It begins... I love to get my back walls blown up by Charlie Kirk.

Very cool. It begins... How can you say that America is a good place? The student was incred... This is one of Charlie's many very real encounters that he's had all over at universities all over America. Hey Charlie, I like 9-11. How can you say...

How can you say that America is a good place? The student was incredulous that I could make such a bold and to her dishonest assertion. The very idea violated everything she had learned from her college professors and now she was challenging me in one of my very frequent college lectures that I give about liberty, the free market,

and conservative values. She wasn't ranting. She wasn't being nasty. It was just that it was so outside her experience that she couldn't believe that anyone would actually defend America. And it was a great question. It went to the heart of what Turning Point USA

is all about and deserved an answer. Here's the answer. Bring it. If America is so bad, why do so many people want in? Millions are so anxious to come to America that they're literally climbing over fences, swimming rivers, and figuratively... Away from the countries that America is bombing.

Yeah, I would say, I mean, most colleges teach the Islamic State curriculum, which teaches that you don't want to come to America. The thing is, it's a great flag. It's a very sexy flag. So Charlie's answer is, people love America so much that they're literally climbing over fences, swimming rivers, and figuratively busting down doors.

Wait, what river? Okay, who knows? Rio Grande. Rio Grande, okay. I mean, this is a trope that comes up again and again whenever Charlie wants to talk about how good America is, in that he'll reference something that's happening now, like people trying to get into this country,

that he's actively trying to stop. I don't know. His dad probably makes drones that shoot missiles at people trying to climb over the fence that he's currently building. Or he'll reference something in America's past that conservatives of that era were forthrightly against 1,000%,

and he probably still is too. So he goes, if America is so bad, why is it the most generous country in the world? The first to show up with food, water, and other life-saving aid for those whose lives have been devastated by natural disasters? Literally not true. Boy, I can't think of any recent news event where America hasn't done that.

Why are we the first country that steps up and solves the overpopulation problem in all other countries? Actually, one of the things I always loved about Cuba is that they always sent more doctors than America, which is such a big dick buying your girl a drink move. I just, I like the, like, Charlie's thing that all her professors tell her how bad America is all the time. Like, no matter what professor you have,

no matter what subject they're, Because they're no right-wing professors. Right, every professor is the Marine Todd professor. You go into geometry and they're like, I want to prove that God isn't real and that America is bad. Cool. If America is so bad, why do we give away billions in foreign aid

to struggling countries like Israel and Saudi Arabia? I added the last part. I added the last part. He didn't actually say that. Why are we the biggest supporters of the United Nations despite its hostility to our values? No, we're not. Calm down, calm down.

I'm not going to say anything. He's destroying this poor girl. If America is so bad, why does it lead the world in creativity, inventiveness, and discovery? I mean, first of all, the Russian dash cams have produced more culture than America in the last 20 years.

Well, here's the thing about that. It's like, it's facts over feelings once again. Like, he's shredding her with facts. You know, she's like, America's not good. And he's like, I will have you look at this chart of gumption per capita for citizens. God damn it, you got us. We don't even lead the world in esports.

We lead the world in Marvel movies. Like, we have a whole slate there to show you how great this place is. Trying to have us own a chunk of that, though, right? The only reason there is a North American esports scene is a Canadian, you're right. But yeah, no, it's just like this entire paragraph is like, oh yeah, could you listen to Hopson in Germany?

Very cool, Charlie. My favorite thing is, and a lot of people fight this out, it's like, we give so much to charity. Well, first of all, as a percentage, no. Like, one of the lowest numbers of foreign aid, middle of the road in terms of charity. It's like, well, OK, so it's a raw number. It's a lot of money.

Sure, because we are the grotesque, all-consuming ogre at the center of the world economy. It's like, if some fucking fat asshole, like, shuffled off to a Dunkin' Donuts to drink off his hangover, and there's a homeless guy there asking for money, and like, a quarter that's been stuck to his stomach by sweat falls off into his fucking cup. Yeah, but when you imagine Charlie Kirk skipping around

to Imagine Dragons, how can you think that America is not the greatest country in the world? No, I mean, have you seen Charlie Kirk's, like, normie tweets? There is one, I swear to God, it's, for some reason, whenever Ryan Lewis and Macklemore's thrift shop comes on, I slam my pedal till I'm going 80. Like, I mean, yeah, I mean, if you had that guy's brain, you'd be like, this is the most creative society ever.

He was enthralled with his teddy rugs spent until he was 15 years old. His last argument for why America is so good. If America is so bad, why has it survived for more than two centuries as the world's most successful? Do you know how many countries have survived longer than 200 years? China has been around for over a thousand. It's, yeah, that's, that's, that's not,

that's padding out the stats there. Yeah, America is that, like, Instagram girl being like 23, I feel so old. Here's another, here's another example from the first chapter. He goes, an undergraduate, this is a very, again, very real thing that happened. An undergraduate student took, took her up on it and brought along an audio recorder.

Here's how their conversation went, transcribed from the recording, when he asked why he couldn't, in a course taught at a Catholic university, discuss something that the church itself teaches, in this case, why homosexuality is evil. Teacher, okay, there are some opinions that are not appropriate and that are harmful,

such as racist opinions, sexist opinions, and quite honestly, do you know if anyone in this class is homosexual? Student, no, I don't, teacher. And don't you think that that would be offensive to them if you were to raise your hand and challenge this? Student, if I choose to challenge this, it's my right as an American citizen.

Teacher, okay, well actually you don't have a right in this class as, especially as an ethics professor, to make homophobic comments, racist statements, sexist comments, student. Homophobic comments, they're not. I'm not saying that gays, that one guy can't like another girl or something like that,

or one guy can't like another guy. Oh, I think I get, I think I know what he's doing. He's doing a thing where it's like, well, gay people are allowed to get married, they can get married to somebody of the opposite sex. Oh, they love that one. They love that argument. Oh, it's like a riddle.

How does this gay man get married if he's gay? Oh, to a woman? Yeah, that very real dialogue goes along. The doctor is a woman. I know that riddle. I have a feeling that the Catholic would really like to teach Greek style, if you know what I mean.

I love this argumentation style because ultimately they have no sense of themselves as disgusting because it's like the most perfect, you're not wrong, Walter, you're just an asshole. And they've never considered that possibility in their lives. That dialogue goes on like that for a while,

but there's one other thing that I'd like to point out about this book. He, like in the section breaks, he lards out like the page length and word count by just publishing his tweets. And in the middle of chapter one, in a section break, he has this. The further a society drifts from the truth,

the more it will hate those who speak it. This is attributed to, at Charlie Kirk 11, quoting George Orwell. That's Orwell didn't even say that. That's a fucking incorrectly attributed Orwell quote. No, but that's literally an office joke. It's like Michael Scott being like, that's myself, quoting Wayne Gretzky.

If this, if 1984 continues this way, we will end up on an animal farm. Charlie Kirk, quoting George Orwell. He got it off of one of those Facebook pages that's like, I love you and I love my life. It was like just a meme that said, she contributed that quote to George Orwell. Yeah, he had to publish that in the book.

He had to take the minion off of it. This is another one of his tweets that he's published in his book. At Miami College, founded by Cubans exiled under communism, officials shut down the pro capitalism club. That club sounds cool. You don't have to say pro capitalism. You can just say capitalism.

Why add the pro? Why waste of time? I don't know. We're talking about a guy who probably spent his entire book advance on photoshopping the minions out of the memes. This is from the chapter about how it's not safe to be a conservative on campus.

Samantha Lizardo generally feared retaliation for her views. For too many conservative students, that fear remains unspoken. In that regard, their safety indeed feels threatened. As our field rep put it, the biggest thing that conservative students fear isn't losing friends and not being invited to social outings.

Yeah, nothing to fear there. Although that does matter, but the biggest thing is grades. They worry that their grades will suffer and about everything else that comes with a bad mark. Do I speak up with my viewpoint? If I speak up in class to disagree with the teacher, will my grades suffer? There is no oppression like that of the apple polisher.

While most intimidation on campus is of the psychological and emotional kinds, instances of hostile environments that's physical or illegal are not unknown. Charlie, I'm going to break it to you here. The biggest threat is just not having friends. That seems to be the uniting bond among all college Republicans.

No, they're all failing all of their classes. They're failing all of their classes because of their right-wing viewpoint. I got to say, I went to basically a glorified community college and I made terrible grades and I'm doing great. Sometimes you just take your lumps. Remember that woman on Twitter, this was a college student who said,

my professor failed me because I wrote this essay that said America's good and then posted the essay. It was one of the biggest pile of dog shit you ever read. It was so literate. It's like they should rescind your acceptance if you write something like that. I really like this one. This is an example of campus PC gone out of control.

Oh, no. Here's the second example. It also involves the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign. A professor of media and cinema studies, Jay Rosenstein, took his campaign as a popular and revered school mascot,

Chief Alinawek, into a public bathroom where he got himself arrested for video recording people inside. What? Listen to this. Listen to this. What are conservatives facing now? They were taking pictures of my duties.

Chuck Berry was a revolutionary. I think we skipped a lot of steps to get to this point. Here's the story. Offensive mascot and he's just videotaping the stalls. Here's the story. Rosenstein has made a career of ridding the world of any memory of the chief who was retired in 2007

in the face of criticism of it being offensive. It wasn't exactly that. Most students and alumni relished the sight of the respected chief who wore a feathered headdress and beaded buckskin as he danced at athletic and other events. I love the chief.

Thank you, chief, for making the sunrise today. I'm respecting the chief who's doing the traditional Native American dance of raising a foam finger while whoop there it is, please. I'm showing him his culture's respect by shooting at his feet

to make him do a fancy jig. He goes, not at all he's the equivalent of an Indian's degrading chief wahoo logo. Chief Alina Wick symbolized strength, courage, and determination. Every megachud in Ohio just called him a cuck. For saying there was something wrong with chief wahoo.

So the chief never disappeared from campus and his passionate fans, unofficially dressed in the chief's regalia, regularly appeared at school events. An exercise of free speech and freedom of association. That's not what that is. Capparellis are not an exercise of free speech.

They're also enthusiastic students who seem to love Al Jolson. And so, when Rosenstein spied the chief and an Alinae, yes, the school and the state still are allowed to keep their honorifics of the Native Americans of Illinois. He tracked the offender

who he thought might be a school employee to the washroom to, as he put it, catch the chief putting on his costume to document all the ways the university employees might be involved in helping. Except that taking pictures of someone in a bathroom

is illegal and a felony. Which I learned the hard way. A little known fact. It's a hard way to prove a point. I have to say this is one of those stories with no protagonist. I'm not really on anyone's side in this story. Let me be honest.

Chapter 3. This is my favorite title of any of the chapters in the book. Chapter 3 is called The Magisterial Classroom Lectern. Oh my god. Oh my god, you pussy. It really is the white Andre. In this chapter,

he lists examples of all the insane, outrageous things that leftist college professors are telling their students. Here's an example. Dr. Dana Cloud, a professor of communication and rhetorical studies at Syracuse University and a member of the International Socialist Organization,

blames America for 9-11. Writing a new pledge of allegiance, she pledged allegiance to the people of Iraq, Palestine, and Afghanistan and to their struggles to survive and resist slavery to corporate greed, brutal wars against their families, and the economic and environmental ruin

brought by global capitalism. Oh yeah. That's a good pledge. That's a real good pledge. I take my daughter to kindergarten and they say the pledge and talk about God and pledge and all of that and I just don't even know what to do with it.

I wish I had a symbiote once again. I get the sentiment. It's just not as catchy, you know. William Penn, a teacher in the creative writing program at Syracuse University, was recorded complaining in one of his classes about dead white Republicans

who raped his country. You notice Charlie doesn't mention what country this guy is from, but I bet it would line up pretty well with Pennsylvania. To be fair, it's... Dr. Todd Couch. Dr. Todd Couch, a sociology professor

at Coker College in South... No, that's not real. Todd Couch? I think we've made up. Wait, didn't the brown straight for him at one point be the cornerback? I've heard Dan Quinn

address Dr. Todd Couch in the bathroom before, like... Dr. Professor... Dr. Professor Todd Couch, listen up. He's a sociology professor who said that racial oppression was central to the founding father's philosophy. What?

Can you believe they're teaching college students this? Can you believe they're teaching college students this? Can you believe they're teaching college students this? Dr. Chris Hamilton, a professor at Washburn University, accused conservatives, such as Ron Paul and Ted Cruz, of working to strip people of the civil rights.

What? He wrote in his class curriculum about neo-confederacy movements that are part of a big-money, ultra-right powers, Koch Industries, and co-founders of the John Birch Society that is part of a broad, wide-ranging society.

That's absurd. He disagrees. This is ridiculous, says Charlie Kirk, while literally, like, stuffing bags of cash back into a fucking closet. Yeah. No, that's insane. It says, man with zero talents

who's paid $175,000 a year to behave this way. Columbia University School of Social Work lecturer defended socialism by blaming capitalism and the genocide of Native Americans. Okay, question, though. Which two world wars?

He agreed with the mistaken assertion that the Reverend Martin Luther King was a socialist before it was cool. Just because he literally said I'm a socialist. Don't these guys know anything about irony? Yeah, but he's a hipster.

I'm okay with who supported QAnon. Don't ask me to explain. What I love about this is these things are so clearly pitched to the, as we were saying, the old people who fund him just telling these horrible stories about what's going on on college campuses.

There was one professor at a college who said that it was okay for Jamaican home health care workers to steal the change off your mantelpiece. But then he's also, like, bringing up shit like Columbia. And Columbia is, like, still the biggest funnel

for CIA recruitment in the country. So, like, I don't know why you guys are pretty evenly matched, at least. One sicko professor at Harvard University encouraged his students to cut phone lines to prevent your grandchildren from calling you

to invite you to Thanksgiving. Professor Craig Homo of sociology at Penn State said that old people have no right to learn how to upload photos on Facebook. Okay, so, like, this whole chat there's just a long list of, like,

outrageous things that college professors have said about conservatives or their politics. Here's my favorite fucking one. I get countless messages from students who say professors are lowering their grades and penalizing them for being conservative. That's why.

As an aside, I posted that on Twitter, liberal journalist Jesse Farrar Yeah! I'm sorry, I'm sorry, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. Did he just call Jesse Farrar a journalist?

Yes, yeah. Dude, yeah, Jesse was in the movie The Post. He spilled a hoagie into the printing press. Jesse Farrar journalist. Liberal journalist. Just in, it's actually six guys when I'm in there.

Many are saying that Jesse Farrar is the new Bob Woodward. I'm saying it. Liberal journalist Jesse Farrar, an occasional contributor to Dead Spin and Vice Sports, tweeted that professors should quote, hold conservative students' heads underwater

until they stop breathing. And they put it on the front page of The New York Times. Huge, huge fuck you to Charlie for not plugging the go-off kings and your Kickstarter sucks. Fuck you, Charlie. Those are his latest projects. Get it right.

This is what he says, I'd hold their heads underwater until they stop breathing. I responded, I'm sure he is joking, but imagine if conservatives made a joke like that against liberals. Imagine. Farrar wrote back,

I am not joking. I'm so jealous of Jesse right now. Jesse is the king. He's the king. He's the king. Most naturally funny person I'm on, easily. You got a polliter for that tweet.

Ask a liberal why conservatives aren't demanding their own safe spaces. Earlier in the book you said it was unsafe for conservatives. By definition, you want safe spaces for conservatives. And you'll be told that conservatives aren't a

historically marginalized group as if marginalized conservatives now is perfectly okay. It should be mandatory. Well, I mean, conservatives were the first slaves. So this is funny. Chapter 7 begins

the name of chapter 7 is 6th and the stones may break my bones. But then he goes, but words will never hurt me. He goes, but words will never hurt me. Oh, but they will if you're attending any number of American universities today.

Words have become sticks and stones. Actually worse, they can hurt your sensitivities, wreck yourself. And he goes on to be like, this is a kind of trigger warning chapter. But I just want to note that he begins chapter 6, the chapter that immediately preceded this one

by saying, for liberals, the entire college campus is a safe space. They can call conservatives anything they want without criticism, without penalty, without rebuke, official or otherwise. Fascist, bigot, homophobe, racist, birther, misogynist, wingnut.

Oh, and let's not forget deplorable. So he just began that chapter by asking for universities to officially sanction students who call him deplorable. And then he's beginning 7 by being like, what are you doing in the women's lounge at 2 o'clock in the morning? Thanks to the American

psychologist for elaborating on the list. He says, for example, it's a microaggression to say you speak good English or ask an Asian American to teach them words and they teach you words in their native language. Give the developer rapport first.

All I did was follow her into the bathroom and ask for some vocabulary lessons. Here's some more banished expressions from college campuses. Those people and I don't like short hair on girls. What?

Here's another... They really banned that. Yeah, you can no longer say you don't like short hair on girls. Fair enough. Which, by the way, is a huge weird obsession of the old way. Yeah, they hate it. Yeah, it's gender criminality. Here's another example

that Charlie uses about how speech codes and just everyone's incredible hypersensitivity has gone too far on college campuses. What this brings to mind is the famous 1993 case of a white University of Pennsylvania

freshman, Eden Jacobowitz, who got busted for calling four black women students water buffalo. He's saying this, yeah. This is the example of how people's sensitivities have gone too far. He got busted

for calling four black women students water buffalo. He had leaned out his dormitory window and yelled at the women outside because they were making a ruckus that was interrupting his studying. Shut up, you water buffalo. If you're looking for a party, there's a zoo

a mile from here. Jesus Christ. Wait a minute, we're supposed to be on his side? Yeah, this is... I'm reading that book here and it's like, yeah, of course. Yes, you do. I'm trying to study in here. Just yelling at a group of black women

that they're water buffaloes and belong in a zoo. Okay. Jacobowitz denied that his comment had anything to do with race. This is amazing. He said it roughly translated from the Hebrew word for foolish person. Oh my...

Oh my God. That is the first Hebrew version of the current person. Holy shit. Come on, that's not the first. The ones who said it before just said it. Imagine an hour on Google trying to figure out a good reason

to have called somebody a water buffalo. Never mind that water buffalo wasn't forbidden in the school's speech code and no one could figure out why water buffalo was supposed to be racist. Yeah, I think someone probably could have figured that out, Charlie.

I love how he's doing like airbud with racism. There's nothing in the rule book that says I can't tell him to go to the zoo. But I mean like removing that element from an entirely you just screamed out your window at strangers.

Like that should be enough, right? He was studying. He was trying to read the Turner Diaries. He was trying to see if it was possible. He was trying to see if it's actually possible to get a $6 million. Okay. Come on, that's too far.

Jesus. All right, here's a chapter called The Illiberal Arts and Sciences. Oh, good. This is just a list of stupid classes that you can take including like race, gender, culture

and the U.S. national identity. That doesn't sound like that ridiculous of a class. There are much stupider ones than that. Yeah, so much stupider. Not literally Beyonce classes, but you know. That is due to capitalist decadence. One class at Georgia State is called Kanye

versus everyone, which is ironic because Charlie Kirk has done 180 on Kanye and now considers him to be like the hero. Yeah, actually every class should be about Kanye. Kanye and Charlie Kirk versus everyone. I'm including this one, the sociology of Miley Cyrus, race,

class, gender and media from my alma mater Skidmore and demystifying the hipster from Tufts. But this last one is telling finally the University of California San Francisco offers an online course called abortion quality care and public health

implications. That sounds like a pretty adequate college class. That's the least weird. There are a lot of bullshit underwater basket weaving classes. That part is true. It just sounds like, oh, you're going into advanced nursing.

No, he thinks it's like those correspondence classes where you learn how to become a locksmith or in the mail. Learn how to do abortions at home. You got to draw that turtle and mail it back in. You got to abort the turtle. So the name of this class

is abortion quality care and public health implications. Among its features are weekly lectures that will incorporate stories of women who seek abortion in order to better portray abortion significance and rationale. Noticeably absent

are women who suffered from an abortion as if there were no bad side effects. Also absent, the deadly impact of abortion on voiceless unborn babies. Yeah, they don't have a lot to say about it. How come a fetus has never spoken

to our class? They keep bringing up intersectionality but they are not talking to fetus. They dig through the trash can to find one. They want someone to have a segment talking to fetus so they bring out a fucking Ouija board.

I love the thing about how come they don't talk about the bad side effects. It's like smoking billboards. Like, oh, just come have one. There's literally nothing. I don't feel bad in any way. Everyone should get one. The reason for that class is so that nurses

will do a better job at administering them. I love the idea that Charlie spent a whole paragraph outlying university classes about Fortnite and one class that just called Chillin'. But he literally wants a class called

The Silent Scream, The Unborn Holocaust, and why abortion causes breast cancer. Centering fetus voices. I said Chapter 3 was called The Magisterial Classroom Lectern. I lied. That's not my favorite chapter title.

It's Chapter 13, which is just called Black Victimization Bunko. What? It's Bunko. It's what? It's Holcomb. It's Bunko. It's Slim Flam. He's 100 years old. I'm talking about this fraud.

It's a 100 years old. It's a loan of a larky. It's all bunk, I tell you. I wonder who this book is aimed for. Baldraw. Grandpa, it's Balderdash. It's Holcomb. It's all Holcomb. This is what he says about

the roots of the left's totalitarianism. He's describing true collectivists, however, go further. They're not just for public control of utilities and schools, but also for public control of any everything. They adopt the reasoning of Karl Marx, Friedrich Engels,

and their admirers. They insist that the people should own the means of production. Yeah. Sounds pretty reasonable. Actually, it's the workers, but close enough.

Actually, it should be my dad. And if I want to produce some large projectile from between my teeth, I need your toothbrush. So he goes, it's a system based on the belief that people cannot be trusted

to care for themselves, that they're not smart enough to secure housing, food, and other essentials. No, they're just not rich enough. It's not that they're not smart enough. Yeah, all that shit is like taken. I mean, it's like, alright, I'm going to be a hunter-gatherer. Yeah, good luck. Before the fucking cops

here's Charlie's ultimate own of the idea of collective ownership of the means of production. It is an extremely dark philosophy and one that is at war with itself. Consider. I mean, again, these are the ideas he thinks aren't being

civilly discussed and taught at universities and being angrily censored and shouted down. Consider. If people can't be trusted to care for themselves, then what about a government that is run by people?

What the hell? I never thought of it that way. Not once. I just love this fantasy of the university that teaches Marxism and not neoliberal Foucaultian bullshit. Wait a minute, though. Doesn't it also work the other way?

If you can trust people to run themselves, then you can trust the government made out of those people who you can trust to run. It's like a mega trot. It works either way. You can trust them either way then. Well, Charlie says if people left to their own resources, left to their own

resources, they don't have any fucking resources. Charlie's dad has everything. Charlie's asshole dad has a giant pile of resources. The rest of us are just on the outskirts of their armed compound and we'd like some fucking resources.

If people left to their own resources, I think he's thinking of the phrase left to their own devices. Yes. Have no sense of the common good or despise their neighbors, then how do they suddenly become enlightened when they go to work for the government? Okay,

but if you hate your neighbor and there's nothing to guarantee you're gonna like your neighbor, your neighbor's probably an asshole. That is why we need socialism because your neighbor is an asshole but shouldn't starve. This is the last thing I'm gonna do

from Charlie here. Oh, thank God. Which is, thank you. This is, oh my God, it's just like the auditory version of a hangover. It's fucking wretched. It's just so boring. I don't know, man. After listening to that,

I have this hankering to ask my doctor about Cialis for daily use and also look into maybe investing in some gold coins. It's just like anyone who's like an adult, who isn't in school anymore, who cares a smile at you about college. And anyway, it's just like

who gives a fuck, man? But this is just, it's so dull. 300 pages of arguments people got into. Half of which didn't happen. Yeah, he's just making shit up. All I know is that Charlie is getting my next reverse mortgage check.

It's definitely giving me the courage to yell at the water buffalo outside my room when I'm doing my studies on 4chan. I just want to, this last one, just keep in mind that Charlie and Turning Point USA is absolutely an astroturf front for the poke poke industries and probably a shitload of other really evil people.

Keep this in mind, especially in regards to this week's UN climate change report that says, you know, got another 20 years maybe. Yeah. Listen to what Charlie said. Even the hard sciences are not as good as the UN. Need evidence of human cause global warming?

Government funded studies will provide it. Private sector studies that cast doubt on the link between civilization and warming will be mocked as anti-science, merely because they don't have the impromptu of United Nations funded bureaucrats and researchers.

Yeah. Unlike those respectable men at Exxon. Yes. I love how powerful he thinks that United Nations is. Like the fucking, the deliberating body that only exists as a wave to get like Saudis out of parking tickets in New York

and like... The United Nations is a free stucious movie. Yeah. The United Nations exists for that and to like give non-binding condemnations of genocides. That's it. It's just a bunch of fucking weak Dutchman standing around a room

going, oh, I wish you wouldn't do that. I agree. I agree. The United Nations is an international forgiving stepdad. I agree with you, Felix. And I agree with you that it is time for the United Nations to deploy troops to Syria to take out the Assad regime.

That's what I've been saying. This book is DMT for dying reactionary boomers. Yeah. Their last thought will be I'm mad at safe spaces on college campuses and then eternity.

And I think that is where we all are all going later tonight to DMT and eternity. Columbus, Ohio you guys have been awesome tonight. Thank you so much. Before we go

I have two things to say. One, if you give us just like ten minutes, we will be in the back signing and selling books. But most importantly, I have to say here on stage Brett and Brian, it is such a joy to share a stage with you. Any time

anywhere because the simple fact of the matter is I would not be here right now Choppo Trap House would not exist without Brett and Brian and Street Fight Radio. So don't email

Virgil anymore. Email them. No don't email it. Keep emailing Virgil. Email my wife please. Street Fight Radio. And number one in our comedy radio show on any station across the nation, Columbus, Ohio

thank you guys so much. We are Choppo Trap House. Good night. So a big thing we do on the show of course is the reading series where we highlight the work of pundits, opinion artists and writers

who have been called up to the majors. These are people with a national platform on that like Washington Post or New York Times Op-Ed Real Estate. You're Thomas Friedman's Megan McCartle. Yeah you're Megan McCartle's You're Barry Weiss's

Oh you guys know who's coming You already know You already know You want it so bad don't you But of course that leaves that leaves you know I don't want to ignore there's a whole minor league

of local unbelievably shitty Op-Ed writers that are honestly I think deserve a call up to the majors when we were in Boston we dedicated a whole segment

to Boston Globe columnist Jeff Jacobi we all know we all we love Jeff Jacobi we love him his awful evil candy-filching son Caleb Oh curses to Caleb you're a rude and willful child

so you guys you guys here in Chicago you already know where this is going the Chicago Jeff Jacobi Chicago Tribune columnist John Cass Literally no familiarity with this person

so you get to watch me experience this for the first time you are in for a treat Felix why don't you kick it off how would you describe John Cass both physically and intellectually John Cass is

a human tourist attraction to Chicago he is he as a suburban who sort of trots out this phony tough ethnic white Chicagoan persona is that avatar for every other shit head

suburbanite he wants common sense solution for Chicago let's make cops immortal no cop has ever done anything wrong women need a monitor that keeps them from leaving

their house this type of thing he may be basically a golden dawn columnist but there is a little fun in Chicago slice of life in there sometimes you get to read John's own south side recipes

his beer can chicken awesome John that's so cool John tell me more about your life you boring shit head fascist he's what Hannah Arendt was talking about when she said the obesity of evil Cass

no one opines for free no I mean Toby is one of my favorite guys we've ever read on the show because he has like he has a special type of clumsiness and anti-charisma just an oafs perfect

clumsiness to the world confidence yeah but John Cass is there is a deep evil to him a deep boring evil to this terrible man but what I have just seen this leering

in his old face in A2 because he was given Mike Royco's old spot yes but what does he think of his son has he ever written any columns calling out his own children I have not found any Cass columns

about his kids I'm looking at his face right now on the Chicago Tribune website and he basically looks like a very red sort of reddish brown Easter Island head or sort of one of those big like Olmec statues

but but Blue Lives Matter he's the official Blue Lives Magic columnist and I don't know if in the course of your research you ever like hurt like watched a video of him but he did not John Cass has

the voice it sounds like he's just always doing an offensive impression of a Native American man I'm going to read his bio here from the Chicago Tribune to sort of frame where we're going to go here the son of a

Greek immigrant grocer Cass was born June 23rd 1956 on Chicago's south side and grew up there and in Oak Lawn so yeah as Felix said he's really milking this like white ethnic tough guy thing and he says he held a number of jobs

merchant marine, sailor ditch digger, waiter this is my favorite part he was a merchant marine, a sailor, a ditch digger and a waiter before becoming a film student at Columbia College in Chicago where he worked at the student newspaper

so he had all of those jobs ditch digger, merchant marine and waiter in high school and then he became a film student and like you know college newspaper guy in college yeah John John Cass is one of those boomer liars who's like when I was 13 years old

I was made the executioner of my town you know tell me about my white privilege he obtained an internship at the Daily Calimute in 1980 and ended up working there as a reporter until he left for the Tribune in 1983 he has won

honors including the Society of Professional Journalists, Sigma Delta Chi National Award for General Column Writing, the Scripps Howard Foundation's National Journalism Award for Commentary and the Chicago Headline Club's Lissigur Award for Best Daily Newspaper

Colonists and the Chagagogo Tribune's Beck Award for Writing he lives in the western suburbs with his wife and twin sons fuck I didn't search John Cass' twin sons for the column to see what would happen as soon as these are two large boys

who terrorize your find out Stavros one and Stavros two he writes every year he writes just a deeply scathing article about how much they disappoint him but then he just puts it under his pillow he does not have Jeff Jacoby's

courage of raising his son through the newspaper but you know I don't like to make wild accusations but if I was a gambling man I would say if John Cass had children they'd probably kill dogs it's just like a guess I mean it's an inkling I feel

all right I'm gonna kick off John Cass' body of work like just you know like I said as an outsider coming to this as a Cass Nia fight I mean the first thing you realize about this guy is that he loves cops he loves cops

we love our cops and law enforcement and uh they're important I love this crowd I love this crowd we love them we love the crowd we love it

I gotta say I'm sorry just shout out to this guy in the front row who just has like cue cards for us one of us just says oh we love it and he keeps holding it up and I can't not say it it's fun yeah

we love it we love the cue card we love it can we use that as a cue whenever we want the audience to love something oh yes oh yes we got it

we got a chapeau fuck you mean team in the front row shout out the gang shout out the twitch stream okay so this first John Cass column is so good because of the twist that's like baked into it

so I'm just gonna begin with this one a retired Chicago cop says he's worried about anti-police sentiment this is how this is how it begins the killing of Fox of a Fox Lake police lieutenant

had nothing to do with our hashtag politics about which lives matter Dan Galenowitz whose body was found in a marshy area near Fox Lake was just a cop who had been doing his job I think you guys already know the twist

but I'm gonna just read it and he was killed for it left stripped of his gear he was the 24th police officer shot to death in the US so far this year Galenowitz was no rookie he had more than 30 years on the job at wicker park

he's got four sons who are going to have to go it alone his mother-in-law Terry Reciter told the Tribune on Tuesday just hours after Galenowitz was killed if you've been following the news you know about the killing of full police officer in suburban Chicago

national TV news was full of the manhunt for the three suspects images of police dogs on the ground and helicopters in the air and SWAT teams fanning out I'm so pissed about this cop getting killed I can't believe this cop who is 100% murdered by another individual

I'm furious I demand justice and he goes but now when a police officer is killed for one reason it is sent against a larger context of anger and seething politics of police shootings and dead minorities some unarmed when they are killed

and dead cops shot down simply for wearing their uniforms and while many follow these as tragedies or as provocative commentaries on our politics there is a group that is too often forgotten or ignored they're the people who don't make waves they're not good at angry identity politics

they don't protest yet they have deep and elemental connections to all this too they're police families ok so you see where Cass is going with this one check this out this is a follow up to this story I'm reading from

a local Chicago black newspaper that says writing under the headline police lives matter too Chicago Tribune columnist John Cass summed up the sentiment in mass hysteria surrounding the supposed September 1st murder of a policeman in a bedroom community 50 miles

north of Chicago he's talking about the killing of Glenowitz we have since learned that it was all a hoax or as the chief investigator put it a carefully saged suicide by the man known as G.I. Joe as he was about to be exposed as a thief

who had been stealing funds intended to mentor young people interested in becoming police officers look I don't understand I don't understand what you're talking about yeah ok he killed himself that's just because these black lives matter harassers forced him to self harm

and that's not ok he was known as G.I. Joe and he was about to be exposed for stealing funds intended to mentor young people interested in becoming police officers to pay his mortgage a gym membership travel and a pornographic

website I need to know which one I need to know who's still paying for porn in 2018 he was subscribing to Bing Patty Wagon no no no no no police are 100% brazzers guys

I believe that with my heart and soul you know you say that Matt a lot of these websites make you join before you can even watch the little trailers ok so that's like that's your kickoff for John Cass is uh you know back the wrong pony there

yeah it can happen to anyone so I'm gonna just go through this is like the John Cass page on the Chicago Tribune website and I'm just gonna like just go through a quick selection of his most recent columns starting with

the most recent one Democrats shame Kanye West to protect themselves you know makes sense the next one the headline is fleeing the anger of the leftist mob finding comfort

in bacon buns so oh my god John Cass is one of those writers where his just his archive looks like things that we did to make fun of him so I actually had to look on this one and this one begins

you may have noticed that I didn't write my column for Thursday a note in the paper on page 2 said John Cass has a day off but nobody really believes that nobody some speculated that I'd finally been silenced by an angry political mob

of leftists or perhaps by the powers that be yeah they drove out to Schomburg and yeah some speculate that the left prevented my grandson from coming over and telling me how to log on to hotmail no column what happened you're a mayoral candidate now said a chief

strategist of one Chicago mayoral candidate who'd been conferring drinking with a chief strategist of another candidate we were thinking that as a mayoral candidate you have to be careful about what you say no careful is not my way I give not two figs

for careful he's trying to do a little Elizabethan turn of phrase there careful I'm a lumbering idiot wait is he actually running for mayor two figs I've never even heard that firefly message board that's the most

bullshit baby ass thing I've ever heard yeah it's like yeah he's doing the suburban dad thing where he thinks he's being like he's being sly but he just sounds like a fucking prospector yeah it's like his body was possessed by Oscar Wilde

while he was writing that sentence okay you're right now for all the thugs said the fucking hip hoppers who want me to be gone I care not a witt for your concerns to you I say meh ass hat's gonna ass hat readers

worried that the fault was with the mob of angry leftist sorosians no one worried and then in parentheses witting or unwitting servants of the Sith Lord George Soros oh he's a nerd he's a nerd he went from

firefly guy to Star Wars guy he's a nerd it's yeah I it is that is an amazing character for fascist suburbanite to also be yeah a firefly guy to be like an epic online meh hubbiz boobiz

guy in a recent column I dared suggest that the cake is a lie can I ass border wall in a recent column I dared suggest that since the hard left is busy trashing the ideas that bind our nation like the presumption

of innocence for the accused I wonder who he's talking about there what's that reference he says they might as well burn the great books that contain these ideas immediately the left went stark raving mad just don't let them give you the Ned Stark treatment

said a friend can you believe this fucking nerd first of all if you went on a ride along with Chicago PD and you made the references they fucking beat you to death with a flashlight you know what and then I'd have to be blue lives matter because you know what they were right

first of all to give him the Ned Stark treatment you would need the biggest sword ever made that is one wide neck I swear to god remember remember how this column began it was the bacon buns it was the bacon buns

I swear to god this column goes on there's a star wars reference a game of thrones reference he references the tv show the great Chicago fire he references different I swear to god he lists just different kinds of tomatoes

he talks about the rain just utterly rambling talks about his podcast that he does with Jeff Carlin it sucks yeah and then it's just utterly random in baffling and then he gets to the very end and just starts talking about

the delicious bacon buns at the Racine Bakery that he likes so much no but this is really interesting to me because we've discovered a new kind of right winger it's the reactionary oatmeal fan oatmeal fan

but also like guy who's writing this because his kids won't call him back I no longer am speculating that um John Cass's sons are dog murders it just sounds like they don't talk to him because it's just all

the like last couple years of cast comms are just meandering bullshit and it's just all the things that he would mumble to you over offense but no one is talking to you no one is talking to him let me tell you about an epic rebel who defied

the police and the government regulations I'm talking about fucking Tesla he was epic for the win so he just gets to the end of it and just said I talk just again talking to some random person at the bakery and he goes

he was ruthless he was ruthless but civil but there were a few bacon buns left maybe five no thanks I just ate he said rain running off his face wait are those bacon buns from Racine I'll take him I handed the bag

to him with a smile a civil smile what the fuck did he get punked for his bacon buns what is that he got mean mugged and he gave up his bacon buns something bacon buns that treat that I've never heard of

dude you're so lucky that 50 police officers aren't here with me or else these buns would be mine so he mentioned a previous column in that one when he was going through a you know a Proustian reverie about fucking hot dogs or the last meal he ate

he's talking about his column before that was by the way about hot dogs we all roasted Felix earlier on this tour so he saw me eat a hot dog with two full tomato slices on it disgusting he's your man

he is one of you you should be ashamed of yourselves this is the most shameful nationalism I have ever witnessed no dude this this entire city this is Yugoslavia those were the only vegetables those were the only vegetables

Felix got on this entire tour not true my mom had carrot sticks so Cas references the column that the leftist put him inside the telephone box that's big on the inside or whatever the fuck

he's into so that column was headlined burning books like to kill a mockingbird is the honest next step for the anti-cavenaw left yeah alright let's do it fellas John Cas

my new column when derpina's accuse epic sirs of things they have to provide evidence I really do love a massive concern for the rights of the accused from a guy who probably did a fucking fundraiser to buy John Berge a fucking boat after he got out of prison

angry leftists have been comparing me to boo Radley a badge all where with honor and this next one is really good I mean this is like again just like as an early initiate in the mysteries of John Cas first thing I notice he loves the police

second thing I notice the second thing I notice he really loves and deeply identifies with Brett Kavanaugh for some weird quite put my finger on it but he's very very sensitive

about Brett Kavanaugh being accused of things no how dare you my man laughing because he know yes yes this is the next column I swear to god when the Brett Kavanaugh circus ends we won't

forget your sins Matt Damon okay okay I don't know what Matt Damon said but I feel like we will we'll forget pretty quickly why your neck so thick Matt Damon what the fuck my name is John Cas and I think Goodwill

hunting is a true story what's your move angry left he's much different than fucking Kavanaugh he is a sloppy perverted Greek orthodox drunk future historians probably won't devote entire volumes

to Hollywood actor Matt Damon I hope not for his we fucked up somewhere along the line if that happens if there's an Oxford history of the United States in the 21st century somehow if we survive as a species

and there's like a chapter on Matt Damon we took a wrong turn unless the Kennedys ascend again that's not going to happen I think like everyone one of the most repulsive things about John Cas is like how witty he thinks he is

and just like every column kind of opens with something like this like I don't believe that pussy house will be on the runways in Paris like the same like shitty tone but then like three paragraphs later he's like just

beat red and crying about a cop being dishonored he goes so future historians probably won't devote entire volumes to Hollywood actor Matt Damon for his part in the grotesque savaging of Judge Brett Kavanaugh

I don't even remember Matt Damon saying anything Matt Damon portrayed Brett Kavanaugh on SNL's opening who watches SNL literally all of these people all of us here for SNL every single person who watches SNL

has a fucking column somewhere every just a closed circuit TV for people with local op-ed columns yeah I also watch it sadly I can't not I'm compelled

you're like 50 years old so of course you do Matt I swear to God it would be healthier for you if you watch twitch with me I swear to fucking God dude you'll be happier that's the divide that's the millennial divide you'll watch twitch

look there's something just very reassuring about knowing that no matter what happens in a week the gold gang at SNL is gonna show up and just like reenact it with memes it's nice I love reading an exact transcript of the news but they make the epic face

sadly Damon will most likely just be a footnote some jester and motley participating in the American political circus settle down buddy forsooth the blaggards and louts

who mock judge cabinol you're not allowed to be a homophobe yet also try to be camp I'm sorry you don't get to do both they're called I'm John Cass and they're calling me Mr. Two Races for the renaissance fair but I do the language anyway hey

sir Mr. Damon I'm gonna say it you're a name it means ignorant person so I love the anger at Matt Damon but then I love as Felix is alluding to he's usually mad about the cops

being disrespected or Brett Kavanaugh being disrespected but then he'll just out of nowhere have a column called the evil creator of candy corn versus social media bullies what not gonna

not gonna go further there not gonna explain that not reading replies if you don't explain it I'm gonna have an aneurysm no you're gonna stay awake all night thinking about that that's the killing word like John Cass did the fucking killing word he's just pouring melange

all over his hot dogs there's one more just like totally random one no punishment too severe for the Oak Park Peach Thief wait a minute no punishment too severe

no punishment too severe like drawing and cornering I will hear the weeping of their children and the lamentations of his woman stings to an anthill so I love when I I'm looking forward to when he fucking has a stroke

or gets Alzheimer's as I was writing columns like no punishment too severe for the Hamburger I'm I'm officer Joey Przboziak of the Chicago Police Department beloved columnist John Cass today was unfortunately collateral damage

after he called our ATV to take on a man stealing pies cooling on a windowsill we have nonetheless permanently ascertained the crook so in between columns in which he bemoans you know

pinheaded hashtag politics and tribalism that in identity politics he will have one column just absolutely just stoking full on race war about Molly Tibbets it says you want to talk about separating families

let's talk about Molly Tibbets and then I swear to God the next column is called the hunt for the perfect peach lands downstate it's a Calhoun County it really just it's amazing like

every fifth cast column it's Turner Diaries it's just bull fucking police should have the right they hear a low baseline they should be able to empty fire into the car and then the next one is like how come no one goes on picnics anymore

you're forgetting though that article about the perfect beach also has a paragraph saying that the peach tree should have a permanently stationed police officer with shoot to kill orders for anyone who tries to take one of them yeah he he's like I mean he loves Game of Thrones

this is like if hot pie was a fascist you know alright so the last one I want to do that I want to give a full like a full dissection of is I think one that struck me as the most indicative of like his soul it's called

what not to get dad for father's day a father as if Stavros one and Stavros two are even reading his columns at this point hey dad they're in the rumpest room smashing fluorescent lights with a hammer hey dad hey dad hey dad are you still writing those gay ass letters

we got you v-bucks for fortnite have fun so it begins a father doesn't need that extra piece of homemade blueberry pie with fancy vanilla ice cream on father's day my wife will tell you that

you're right honey other things a father doesn't really need include thick cut bacon says the doctor that bottle of 18 year old single malt scotch doctor pasta tailor

those delicious au gratin potatoes doctor and tailor or the jalapeno garlic olives for a martini wife and there are some he's just listing food and shit he likes to eat and there are some things you should never ever give

your father on father's day a.k.a. patriarch's day has anyone ever called father's day that is that an official i'm gonna be honest i have friends who have called it that really? yeah

they're not my funnest friends but they're there when i have problems he goes on like tickets to some movie like the book club really do you hate your father that much that you'd have that you'd have him watch a Jane Fonda

and Diane Keaton movie i'd rather pour a jar full of baby black widow spiders into my ears i don't think that's true that's just what he thinks the Chicago police should be allowed to do to someone in interrogation

i honestly don't think he's telling the truth there i think he'd rather watch the movie realistically if he was offered the choice he'd pick the film John come on yeah, Diane Keaton one of the best actors of her generation John you can get a hot dog at the theater

you know he wrote those with that side of performative outrage it's some anodyne thing like that you know he wrote a fucking article in the 90s called the case against Barney yeah, this is like early 2000s internet where it's like oh great

this is just a bunch of fail hole filled with AIDS it's sort of lyrical Chicago PD should be allowed to murder Justin Beaver on site he goes and please let's stop with those

how to grill steak for father's day stories the ones that explain in detail the difference between bone-in rib eye and sirloin you think a man with his salt doesn't already know the difference between thick rib eye and sirloin he knows

who's he mad at, i don't even understand all the father needs for grilling steak on patriarch's day are coals, a grill salt and pepper and an instant read thermometer take the steak off the grill at 122 degrees and let it rest then please just shut up about it

okay and let me watch my constant video loop of the My Lay Massacre this sounds like this sounds like Chris Benoit's suicide note just let me make a goddamn steak

meat isn't religion, dammit so forget those old John Cass columns about the way to grill meat i'm a life form too and i've evolved who needs red meat anyway beans are fine did he have a heart attack?

i don't know it sounds like he had a heart attack i think his wife is like john you're like for some reason she doesn't want him to die and he's like time to skewer her with my pen

i think he's really not skewering her with anything else no i don't know are you saying that john cass doesn't get goop john cass probably fucks every night i'd love to think about it

john for the love of god stop eating all that meat your life insurance doesn't vest for another two years think about john cass just rolling his neck like a bullfrog and just going to town on some clam awesome so i think he's doing

so i think he's doing irony here and he's basically like sub writing his wife and his children and he's subordering his meal and he goes who needs good american beef on father's day or corn with

again about the skewering his wife thing this is like clearly a whole thing or corn with butter or pie or anything really tasty don't waste your time doting on fathers their relics of our shameful past soon to be replaced by science and sex bots

wait what who is buying who is ordering right now so in 10 years they can get the perfect dad sex bot is this all just for come town fans yeah who would do anything like that

there are thousands of women in chicago who are like you know fucking his opinions are so rancid they're so fascist and racist but i just love fucking john cass if i could just get a john cass

sex robot it would solve all my problems most people in this crowd love fucking john cass we love to fuck him we love it they haven't perfected an algorithm that will first lift up his gut and while i'm at it can we please ask editors for a moratorium

on hand wringing columns and stories about demon fathers i guess his twins have a column in their college newspaper that they pull right while holding hands yeah you guys stories about demon fathers you know the kind

father was cold, distant and terrible, father expected too much father ran away yes i know there are bad fathers out there and some want to punish them father had hundreds of birds hundreds of birds we in the media

love to deconstruct fathers day with those bad father stories the very word father offends some people triggering them perhaps because it's linked to another word also fraught with peril mother i love it i fucking love it more than

anything when guys like mockingly use the word triggered who spend their entire days in their basement just getting pissed and fucking sharpening machete for the coming like reckoning like they're fucking tattooing this column on his body like he's robert

deniro and cape fear and he's like oh they're so fucking triggered i'm so full they're so triggered just furiously two fingering hunt and pecking a manifesto yeah he's literally like putting a howitzer in his backyard to prevent the knockout

game and he's like oh the loony left is triggered again what i love about this kind of writing is the way it portrays the things he thinks is like just common sense that everyone believes so he's like you know you know that another word that sends everyone into

a weird panic mother women hate it when i call them this women get triggered when i go up to them and say mother will you tie my shoes oh what you don't oh the patriarchy got you down when i ask for women at the tribune office to wipe me they respond

with hysterics children get so fucking triggered when their father their innocent fathers shoot them in the back of the head with BB guns during dinner and say that's what people are doing to police ultimately future humans will find fathers only in museum

exhibits stuffed or made of wax next to the neanderthal man so please just allow the few remaining herds of fathers to die off in peace i agree with that he goes be my guest johnny it's like that's the thing he's like oh

don't eat beat it's like dude eat all the meat you want man oh don't need to drink whatever you want to go for it the march of progress may be uncomfortable for a few but then again fathers are experts at repressing bad juju that's what we do we're good at only three

things turning out lights while muttering repression of anxiety and napping everyone knows this also also firing anti-material missiles at pictures of d-ray his editors took out

a line where he said we're good at suppressing bad juju except for george soros he was like that's a little too far john why don't you take a bath in the italian beef dip in the office if your dad really needs something for fathers day try cushioned insoles but who the hell

would think of that nobody not my rotand grotesque sons i'll tell you that the last thing he wants to see on fathers day is a brand new car tied up with a big bow in the driveway are you insane do you want to give him a heart attack he's just like

saying all the things that his family won't do for he's mad that for fathers day his fucking family don't get him a brand new car with a bow on it to thank him for all his dadly wisdom and grilling dad here's a lexus

for telling me about that extra bone when i was six you fucking freak the loony left is so triggered that they fooled my family into hating me somehow another thing a dad another thing a dad

doesn't need is a sumptuous leather dad chair if he doesn't have one all it means he really didn't want to pay for one just let the guy have his corner of the couch and he'll be fine he'll fall asleep in a few minutes anyway then you can use him for a pillow that snores

a pillow you can jab with your elbow or before it stumbles upstairs mumbling incoherently about the lights or the dog or what the hell will i write tomorrow damn it you can use him as a pillow please use him as a pillow this is

man this is very dark i'm uncomfortable who is this man's poor wife i love how in the article that he wrote about himself he's just an insane jabbering maniac

this is very carl and colby no but like carl like loved colby and held no resentment towards him he wanted to spend time with him john cas is just like oh yeah you know you can just do what you need to do to fathers treat them like a piece of shit

on your shoe never watch world's wildest police chases with them never give them a big cupcake with the cpd logo on them never just not even look at him not ask him which police officers died today

and pray for them with him what is it the last thing you want to do for a dad is show up to their van dyke victory party what did his large sons get him for fathers day just a car that says on the cover you're old and you open it inside

and says also you're gay i think like the more these are here i think john cas's sons are secretly like awesome like this year they probably gave him like the peoples history of the united states they probably fucking rock

if he's acting like this they probably rock there's gotta be one cas son one big cas boy in the audience tonight thank you for your dad a come town premium subscription for fathers day i am sorry for what i said about you cas sons you don't kill dogs you fucking rock

if you can somehow provoke your dad to have a rage stroke you get a free t-shirt they kill dogs but it's a canine police dogs practice oh okay okay little buddy if you want to get my cocaine it's surrounded by chocolate

go ahead closing out here he says there's only one thing a dad needs on fathers day anyway if his family is healthy and happy he doesn't need much he doesn't want stuff hi honey the wife says

hi dad the kids say that's all a dad needs really and maybe that second piece of homemade blueberry pie have a fucking have a third piece and a fourth piece listen to the chicago way podcast

with john cas and jeff carl and everybody our sister show so that chicago is your favorite son other than felix beaterman the chicago tribunes john cas someone needs to do a wellness check

on his family literally every day because eventually he's going to kill chicago the house of blues we are chopper trap house thank you guys so much goodnight start spreading the news i'm leaving today