Chapo Trap House - Episode 274 - Chapo Trap House Presents: It's A Willderful Life (12/24/18)

Episode Date: December 24, 2018

Merry Christmas! Here's our gift to the world: "It's A Willderful Life" A Radio Play By Chapo Trap House featuring the voices of: Will Menaker as Himself Virgil Texas as Himself/Clarence the Angel Amber Frost as Herself/God Matt Christman as Himself/Mr. Podder/Old Man Felix Beiderman as Himself Chris Wade as Himself/Podcast Inspector James Adomian as Bernie Sanders Katherine Krueger as Herself Adam Friedland as Himself Stavros Halkias as HImself and Nick Mullen as Himself/Tiny Dick Salesman

I Did you guys want to do a Christmas episode again this year? Christmas is identity politics that that's true and I don't want to sit around having to write something I mean we're gonna write a podcast thing to write we're gonna write another 40 page script guys guys the last Christmas episode was a triumph I don't come on it's just too much work too little reward the hogs don't even care I enjoy flexing my producing muscles I mean if it really matters to you that much I want well why don't you tell that story about what happened to you last week so I should just instead of doing it in lieu of doing a Christmas episode you

just want me to tell you about something that happened today well yeah that's easier than getting sober and writing something anything that doesn't involve having to write well I'm glad you asked because this little personal anecdote does have a fairly charming Christmas theme to it my story begins in Christian heaven the heaven for Christians here God please help will we love will I love that boy dear lord watch over him tonight God please help will he's such a dry dick rando I owe everything to will menaker and chop oh trap house help him dear father hey everyone it's God here a lot of people asking for help for a podcaster named will menaker tonight's his crucial night I'll have to send someone down immediately

whose turn is it oh it's that asshole Clarence's turn he hasn't got his cat ears and for Sony yet has he we've passed him up right along he's got the IQ of a gamer but the faith of a child simple why did you send for me Clarence a man in his podcast down on earth needs our help oh splendid is he sick no worse he's feeling cute and sad our end at exactly 10 45 p.m. tonight earth time that man will be thinking seriously of throwing away my greatest gift his podcast oh dear oh dear his podcast and I only have four hours to get ready I've got to use the bathroom and shower and use the bathroom again I'll probably get there around pennish sir I should accomplish this mission I mean why did I perhaps win my cat ears all the angels get to have a

fursona and I've been waiting for over 200 years now sir and people are beginning to talk what's that book you've got there New York Times bestseller the chapel guide to revolution a manifesto against logic facts and reason available and find bookstores everywhere by the book Clarence you do a good job with will menaker and you'll get your cat ears tail and heaving bosoms and get to be a giant bimbo kitty in heaven for eternity just like me God my son Jesus Christ the biggest bimbo of all time oh thank you your majesty thank you but if you're going to go help a man you want to know something about him don't you sure sure give me the gist of it you have my full attention we'll keep your eyes open I'm going to use the infinity goblet to show you some important episodes

from the life at times of will menaker and his podcast what is this place this is bedford stives and falls home to the choppo trap house let's take a look at a seemingly random and inconsequential moment from the past that might be important later there's will but see that guy hunched over the computer that's world famous gamer Felix Biederman who's about to have a heated gaming moment oh now you're being a scaredy cat don't you see you gotta you gotta push gotta keep pushing the toilet factory or the towers the twisted towers guys 354 on me on me on me uh racist pedophile 345 rotating northeast dig them dig them off get absolutely fuck pussy yeah suck me you Iberian sucker playing like you're fucking whoa whoa wait wait wait wait

Felix Felix you're streaming this you you can't say that word it'll violate the terms of service now I know I understand I feel the same way you do about Polish people but if you say the word you'll lose the stream Felix don't you know thank you sir now oh geez now that was a close one ow my dick I just tripped over all the shit on your floor in this fucking gaming style and I fucked up my dick and balls on the corner of your coffee table don't you know we'll save Felix from being permaband that day and Felix would go on to fight in the big war in the europe map battlefield we'll save Felix his gaming career but with great sacrifice as it fucked up his dick and balls it was weeks before he could return to work on the bernie sanders campaign well yes sir

you're not paid to be a canary I already pay a canary to land on my podium and you ain't it no sir why that speech should have been written an hour ago where is that speech and my mids I need to smoke my mids I love that Reggie did you hear what I said yes sir I just I just there's something wrong with the speech and and and you shouldn't be smoking mids they're they're bad for you you should only be blowing that kill shit cookies gelato hybrid strains to make your mind powerful what kinds of tricks are you playing anyway I smoke good and I need that speech the country is very sick you're you're you're hurting my fucked up dick by hitting it you lazy low fuck no no mr. stand mr. Sanders you don't know what you're doing you put something wrong in the speech you're

talking about intersectionality and centering spaces and bodies when you should be pandering to the racist white working class they're good people I know I know I know you're unhappy you got that telegram saying your wife Jane is going to federal prison we're stealing a college and you're sad that you won't be able to buy a toaster for your lake house you're upset but you you know you put something bad in the speech you put woke neoliberalism in there it's poison mr. Sanders it wasn't your fault oh no no don't don't don't hurt me again oh well well mr. Sanders I won't I won't ever tell anyone I know what you're feeling I won't ever tell a soul I hope to die I won't oh well I'm flushing all the mids down the toilet and I promise from now on to only center the needs of

the economically anxious racists and lazy brochalists like yourself did William ever tell anyone how he saved old man Sanders from doing identity politics not a soul it's not just American politics the will and his podcast have had an effect on this stupid show has even altered the course of his own heart buffalo gals can't you come out tonight come out tonight come out tonight buffalo gals can't you come out tonight and dance by the light of the moon hot dog I love singing that song with a girl it's it's probably my my kinky is fantasy thank you for making it come true it was pretty hardcore don't mention it but just thanks for having me as a guest on the show I can't believe we recorded a whole episode while dancing the Charleston I Catherine I might say you're the

you're the prettiest girl we've ever had on the show I'm the only girl you've ever had on the show oh geez oh gosh hey hey look at that old look at all the good old trap house over there let's throw rocks at it and make a wish oh hell yeah I love breaking windows please why are you doing this I live here and my heat was turned off and I'm cold help help please oh Catherine the throwing rocks and that derelict makes me feel like a kid again at the wishing well Catherine I wish for a whole hat full of things I wish that I would interview Adam Curtis and Tim Hattaker Barbara Arnreich and David Cross but most of all I wish that I would meet a a nice online trad gf I wish that I could have a trad wife that I could settle down with well

what did you what did you wish for if I told you that it might not come true what is it that you want Catherine clout followers I'll throw a lasso around them and I'll give them all to you hey go ahead and kiss her already I'm trying to edge over here Catherine I would I would never let this old man get one over on me may I kiss you now to show this stranger how cool I am I guess so but only if we can throw more rocks at him and then by the by the way Catherine this uh this should go any further tonight I I suppose you should know I have certain difficulties due to a a gaming incident from uh years earlier but uh I don't I would just shut up and kiss me boy this will guy seems to have life figured out friends swell dame a podcast where you can

silence all the marginal voices he wants why is he so down in the dumps it all started earlier today on christmas eve when the gang recorded their last episode of 2018 lunch can't be breakfast you fucking idiot that's why brunch exists why you see okay you you fucking no conception of foods it's for it's really ridiculous I'm talking to a child here obviously so there's a basic ontology of meals guys guys before we get into ontology we we got to wrap it up for a day gotta save it for another episode but before we go I want to thank once again world renowned linguist and political dissident noam chomsky for coming into the trap and you know sharing with us uh what kind of strains he's smoking on these days I'm gonna definitely check out that cookies gelato uh

indica hybrid thank you for sure thank you professor chomsky he's not a congressman you fucking idiot anyway uh again thanks again noam chomsky we love your work you know just keep smoking weed every day dude that's what we always say keeps you healthy um until next time guys yeah goodbye finally our last episode of the year is in the can now I can relax chris now now did you did you get all that yeah I got it all I'll go home and upload it right after the semester's wears off put it on the usb stick and let's get moving I'll come with I gotta head to the currency exchange what's on the stick it's all our patreon money from the year don't you know I'm gonna convert it into iraq and dinars once that rv comes through we'll be sitting real pretty all of our money

problems will be over it will be on easy street from here on out and off they go but pay close attention to this part yeah yeah I'm paying attention get off my ass about it come on come on chris hurry up once we get these dinars we can start getting ready for the non-denominational holiday party why will menica of the fateful chapeau trap house as I live and breathe hello hello mr potter house life control in the crooked media podcasting empire drive any more honest mom and pop podcasts out of business lately why yes in fact just close the deal to bring mark maron into the company he's going to be asking who are your guys to backbench democratic legislators for the next decade you know the way you boss little guys around with your money

it's not right you you ought to be ashamed on the contrary I'm proud of the business I've built podcasting is a cutthroat battle is survival of the fittest and I'm the fittest of them all speaking of which glad I ran into you I've got a business proposition for you son what say you sell me that trap house part of yours you won't you want you want chapeau trap house to be part of the crooked media good heavens no I've always hated your program and I will immediately end it but you can stay on as the fifth john on pod save how does that sound john menica but what about phoenix and virginal and amber and little matt they've received fair severance packages of course but I'm interested in working with you together we can make crooked media even more dynamic and

result oriented I know the dirtbag left hates me and I hate them right back with you at my side will crush them once and for all no look listen here mr potter I know you think you're a big shot boss and all the podcasters around all day but in the vast configuration of things you're just a just a trash dick male boy foe to you sir foe yeah here take my whippet canister and try to have a little christmas cheer you dumb bastard what let's go chris well now what's this say why is mr potter opening up that whippet canister heaven's to Betsy usb drive is in there that's all their content all their ethereum why they'll go broke yes all of it lost and with the podcast due to be released that night if he doesn't get that drive choppo will for the first time in its history

be late with an episode now now now chris hand me the usb stick uh oh shit oh oh shit fuck fuck fuck fuck well well what are you waiting for an invitation hand it over I I seem to have misplaced it what what do you mean misplaced it that's 12 months of patreon money on there and that episode has to go out right now okay okay come down I probably just left it back at the park slope mansion you'd better hope it's there but it wasn't there why not are you even paying attention I'm paying attention how much longer is this if this is gonna take a while we order food maybe something light like windows they're coming back to the mansion hey well hey well well well virtual keeps insisting that the minions have genitals but they're clearly immortal beings don't reproduce well

did you bring the non-denominational holiday wreath for the window not now I just got a fucking three kill streak all these fucking you know they're playing albanian as shit today what must you keep playing that infernal game I have to practice for the twitch stream tonight we're playing against a team of actual albanians excuse me excuse me what I fucked up the sink it was this whole thing shut up shut up shut up all of you where's the money what money the money you imbeciles where is it I can't find it I don't know where it is no no no no no listen to me listen to me thank thank damn you I can't take it any more well I can't think at all it hurts where is that usb you stupid old nitrous addict you can tie every goddamn string on the world around your

finger but don't you know what this means it means bankruptcy scandal and banning from the platform hey there's a whole bunch of people outside I think there's a run on the pod we need to treat uh this is an outrage I want the metadata formatted properly the people people if you if you please just give me a second here I don't have your content as if it's just back here on hard drive we don't even subscribe where's the black hole feed no no no no no no don't you see here your content's not here why your contents in nicks house it's an adams house it's in stavros's house it's it's all of our content that's how this works don't you know well what's going on is there a problem with the episode yeah some guys here he says he's the inspector of podcasts here for

uh annual content audit yeah I I fucking forgot this today but honestly uh I feel like I'm getting Alzheimer's we have received complaints that the metadata in your podcast is not properly formatted and without proper formatting certain patrons cannot sort it on there are drives in a particular way and well that's a big problem for us all right fuck this fuck this you guys are going to make me talk in my podcast voice not the one I normally use to talk to people but you know what I got no fucking choice right now I got no fucking choice because you fucking assholes and just you you you just take you just take and you take and you take for me you take from me every day virtual fucking see a doctor you shit too much I'm tired of fucking waiting for you

oh there was a situation why are you so fucking late get your shit sorted let me know literally Matt Matt dress like a fucking adult fucking trim your beard stop dressing like a goddamn baby you're fucking you know you're angry now are you gonna get off on a rant here man you're gonna get off on a rant again good good because I'm doing one now this is me I'm the fucking angry guy on the show Felix you fucking moron you you fucking tosser you twat you asshole fucking oh you've been up for three hours now if fucking episode one wanted you up you'd be fucking there at the crack of dawn oh go game some more you asshole amber stop saying shit that's getting us in trouble fuck well oh all right all right all right fuck it I'm on back to

my you guys got me so angry I did my podcast voice and now I'm back back to my normal voice so you know what I got nothing left to do the podcaster inspector general's gonna probably issue a warrant for my arrest but I need that content I need the subscriptions I need the money we're broke all that's left for me to do is sell the show to mr potter and crooked media I hope you're all very happy watch closely Clarence you're about to see some a plus groveling oh oh oh gee now you see I'm in trouble here mr potter I need help I want to take you up on that that swell offer to buy chopper trap house I'm afraid that offers expired but but you got you got to help me here mr potter I've lost 8000 subscriptions and I I need it or else the podcaster examiner

is going to put me in jail I'm going to bind here a real a real pickle of a bind so I've heard a little birdie also told me that the inspector of podcasts is looking for you as is the local constabulary now please please please help me mr potter can't can't you see what this means to my pod family I lost the content I need the content right now no no no no can't can't you get can't you get the johns to lend me some riffs I'll pay you back with interest see just just lend me a john I'll take I'll take any one of the johns heck I'll even take a tommy I just I just need some riffs sir I promise I'll get you back you see if you play fortnight with some podcaster here you can go and lend riffs to him later where does that get us a discontented lazy rabble instead of a thrifting

podcasting class and all because of you starry eyed dreamers like will mennaker stir them up and fill their heads with a lot of impossible ideas now mr potter this rabble you're talking about well well they do most of the riffs bands memes and content well that we all enjoy is it too much to have them work and pay and live and die in a converted brooklyn warehouse with a gym and a hot tub in the building anyway my show doesn't think so we think they deserve to listen to a podcast on their commute home from work at the designing architecture creative energy firms they work at and and listen to a show without without obnoxious ad reads you know listeners our listeners are piggies to us but to a warped frustrated old man like you their cattle

well in my book that's the chapeau guide to revolution and new york times bestseller which makes a great stock and stuffer and our book that makes us richer than you'll ever be i'm not interested in buying your book i'm interested in running a podcast network and you may be a podcast host but you're no businessman and after years of having you piss down our throats it's time for you to open up get get fucked get fucked you old man i'm going to kill myself and that's all there is to it well this is it guanis canal the last stop no patreon no podcast the whole subreddit pissed off at me nothing left to do but fucking killed myself what hell hell i've made an error this is wet and uncomfortable oh my good graces hang on just a minute

bella bella what are you doing out here so late you could have killed yourself so could you how did you fall in i didn't fall in i jumped in to save you i had to act quickly that's why i jumped in i knew if i were drowning you'd try to save me and you see you did that's how i that's how i saved you will how did you know my name oh i know all about you i've watched you since you were a young intern watched every moment of your life including all the times you were in the bathroom thinking dukey and it that took fucking hours that was two straight hours boring shit about your life what are you a mind reader or something no i'm clarence oddbody angel's skin class angel second class all right then well now who who's your commanding god and

and why'd you want to save me that's what i was sent down for i'm your guardian angel now if you're an angel where are your cat ears and your big bimbo breasts and more importantly why do you look just like my co-host virgin texas well guardian angels take a form that's plays into the individual they're helping i chose this one because the ray leotis skin was being used to film a chantix virtual and i haven't gotten my god ears yet i'm just an angel second class will you help me get my first soda me help you how by letting me help you of course you really think killing yourself make things better why not i have no content no money i let down all the fans and my co-hosts everyone would be better off if i never started the

podcast at all what did you say i said i wish i never started a podcast done you've never started a podcast you have no obligations no lost patreon money no need to make content at all you are a free man this is this is this is odd how come a dick works it's not all it's not all fucked up anymore gee how about that you never stop felix having that heated gaming moment so your genitals are weren't mangled by the detritus in his gaming area i must be on some kind of drug or something i mean other than the ones i'm normally on i'd buy well i'd better get home now and face the music are you are you think or something i just told you you've now entered an alternate reality created to teach you a lesson so what you're saying is i still need to sort out

all this business with the run on the podcast the missing content and the podcast inspector you're not really getting the concept it's this very simple gee i i'd better walk back to the trap house and lie down for a minute clear my head say well what's this sign right here welcome to pottersville let's be some kind of error this is this is bedford stuyvesant falls the town you used to know was bedford stuyvesant falls is now owned by mr potter without chappo there was nothing to stop the rise of the crook media empire mr potter now owns everything and what was once down you love is that one overpriced rapidly gentrifying shithole filled with obnoxious bougie podcasters unlike what it was before oh oh lord that that doesn't sound right at all everyone

who lives here now is either lucky enough to post a podcast on the crook media network or they're forced to work in debt peonage for the apps and products advertised on the aforementioned podcast such as delivering cast for mattresses dick pills and antimicrobial underwear 16 hours a day as independent contractors a new legislation in hillary clinton's off-world colonies a new legislation in hillary clinton's off-world colonies what what the blazes was that a blimp hillary's off-world colonies i don't get it did they did trump put her in charge of the space program hillary is the space program will you see without your podcast 2016 jaded left leaning young people pokemon went to the polls because nobody told them it was gay and stupid to vote for the

less evil option in a two-party system and as such hillary easily defeated donald trump to become our first female president who hillary is president what are you some kind of hashtag resistance type everybody knows the electoral college was won by president donald trump he was executed for treason shortly after the election and now that we are all with her there are no more problems in american society without racism inequality already violence in the world thanks to pragmatic american leadership we're free to explore the galaxy in this new golden age oh no no this is too much this is this is a madhouse i've got to get out of here to like find my find my co-host let me just a hail a lift here yeah now now now now see take us to take us to six not 69 no stern avenue

a bit the big trap house on the corner you got it buddy wait wait matt is that you you but you're wearing a a quarter zip fleece and a collar shirt driving a lift why why god's green earth are you dressed like an adult and driving a taxi cab i'm not sure what the problem is sir i'm just happy for the fair matt now now see something crazy is going on here everybody's acting like hillary clinton is the damn president she sure is and doing a mighty fine job from what i i could tell not that i pay too much attention to that stuff i've been fortnighting like a madman lately but but but but but matt see this is the hell world this is the hell world you've always been talking about a hell world can't can't you see it hell world i don't know about that buddy

seems like everything's pretty okay it's christmas eve problems of a few people on this crazy mixed up ball in the galaxy don't seem so bad when you remember that we're all just hairless monkeys trying to figure out how to be in a cosmic accidental world where our brains contain infinite universes of possibility but what about what about global warming the boiling seawater the cascading series of environmental and political disasters culminating in the omega of a blood dim century that we're living in calm down buddy you are going cuckoo banana pants i'm sure ilan muskel figured something out you need to relax more think of all the great stuff we've got video games apps marvel movies i get upset i just sit down and watch my stories i love them superheroes

cartoons there's more good stuff on tv now than ever they even got this one show about a horse who has the problems of a man i love it all the way i see it life's too short to be angry all the time boy what do you think of this six nine character i mean i think that these are some really fresh beats do they really make your head pop i'm really grooving on this say what's that over there that's mr potter's independent comedy theater the laugh line well what's that on the marquee virginal texas i didn't know he was doing a reading tonight well but now let us off here i gotta tell him about losing the content and maybe maybe he can figure something out come on come on clarence how dare virgil do a do a comedy show on a night like this when our

podcasts and crisis okay is there is there something wrong with your brain because don't you watch anime and shit how can you not understand the concept of an alternate reality that's that's very basic science fiction trope oh well that virginal based his goose but good for doing this to me having me walking around and some kind of philip k dick novel or you know reality in my even my sense of identity and self or just precarious illusions as part of a much larger universal beings mind or or like i'm in finnican's wake where nothing makes sense that's also a book that i've read all of and understood very well i'm like 300 years old i fucking lost my virginity while reading fucking ikabod crane and this this is the fucking guy i get

hey everyone welcome to rebel girl 79 we have a great lineup tonight before we get started i will let you know that copies of my best-selling poetry chat book the virginal guide to being an a-leave then a manifesto against feeling cute and sad right now are on sale at the merch table in the back so how about i start things off by reading you a few poems good morning bumblebees are just stinger bugs who want to cuddle with flowers i feel like a bear on the playground of life what why is there a bear on a playground good night don't let the bend bugs bite even though bites mean i love you in bedbong language Virgil what are you doing we've we've we've got to get back to the trap house there's been a

terrible mistake sir this is not the audience participation part of the show Virgil don't don't you remember me it's your co-host will from the podcast chopo trap house the only podcast i'm a recurring unpaid guest host on his pod maintain america anchoring the savage yet the delightful rundown of the latest dirt fails from hashtag h m m p b h m m p b hillary murdered my pit bull uh no no virginal you have to come with me right now we have to go i agree we do have to go security security hey hey hey you're hurting me you see this hurts my feelings oh man you see without chapel Virgil would have become the most famous poet of all time that's just that's that's that's the hair of it all that's that's the top of the tip of a poet Virgil a poet

poetry is just just pros are people who are lazy and can't write and sissies to boot i i i i can't take this anymore i i've got to get off the street i need to see amber i've got to find amber amber frost she'll she'll she'll save me she will she will know what to do well it's kvx we're right next door to the nest it's work womb the nest welcome to the nest can i interest you in a fork the patriarchy grain bowl or a pork free notorious rgblt amber amber now i've come here to see you but but but you're the ceo and femtroponore of this establishment hello sir i'm deacon frost of the nest are you the investor from redwood capital amber it's me will don't you see don't don't don't recognize me well what are you what are you doing here you're the you're the ceo of this neo liberal

women's co-working space oh the nest is so much more than a space where people pretend to work it's a startup incubator a social club a nail salon a dry bar a waxing station it's a movement that's leveling the playing field for business savvy women with a low low price of nine thousand dollars a year now now see here but amber you hate you hate work why would you want it to be better at it or make it a fun experience exactly now you're getting it the nest isn't a company there aren't even any desks here it's a row of vanity mirrors it's an experience a phenomenon a culture we've struck a chord with people who want in-person benefits to a digital experience so just to be clear you're not from a venture capital firm no no no no no no no see this is all

wrong see i i i just do a podcast and we need you to record the episode the one that chris lost security oh boy oh security guards sure were rough with me uh gotten thrown out of a work womb is kind of like being born and how traumatic and violent it is oh but what is that is that kathryn kathryn's coming out of the nest if there's one person who'll recognize me surely surely it's her kathryn kathryn you're you're there you know why why are you recoiling away from my touch you're you're my girlfriend kathryn i have no idea who you are we've never met before my life and i'm the girlfriend of acclaimed podcaster jessie farar of your Kickstarter sucks so kathryn you're you're dating you're dating a dang a dang go-off king one of the one of the go-off kings

it's called the pod-off kings and it's available on the crooked media network oh but but kathryn let me just i can i can i hold your hand and sing the buffalo girl so no absolutely not no no i just i just i just want to know i don't know you come here so you still seriously don't get the concept what's going on here aren't you aren't you like a big sci-fi fan or something i i thought you'd pick up on this alternate reality thing pretty quickly i i'm like 200 years old and i fucking get it intuitively we had the we had the fucking incident at owl creek bridge and we all immediately understood what the fuck was going on and we weren't like how the fucking narrative to the bass is being busy he's being hanged what the fuck's going on that's because we are well we

aren't all fucking rubes like you will medicard jeez fucking christ i wonder come on hey something else you ought to see the memorial to the fallen gamers they built a they built a monument to all the band gamers my lord look at all these names it's like vietnam or something look at this name in particular felix it's felix he he's he's been banned from his precious gaming you see willy fucking piece of shit this is what happened if you never did the show you never stopped felix from his heated gaming moment and he never had a career as the world's best twitch streamer he never served in the great gaming war in europe he never won the medal of honor and call of duty medal of honor and what's more he never saved erin chet michael alex and tom from the squad

wiped what killed them the chopper f ym boys are dead they're dead that is doornail will in this reality president hillary clinton's first act in office was to make it so that if you die in a video game you die in real life who subsequent purge has made this world much nicer safer place without murder simulators school shootings fall but disappeared and when team f ym got no scope by ninja they all died without felix to give them his med kit upgrade but what about felix where is he he's doing quite well he lives in suburban minnesota and collect guns and bores alley dogs as a family lives a normal healthy life so basically what you're telling me here is not only is the world a much better place without choppo but all of my co-hosts

are actually happier and much better adjusted individuals jiminy christmas maybe i'd maybe i deserve to die for what i've done to the world maybe it would be better if i just stayed here on earth too well you can't do that this is again this is an example this is a hypothetical is a hypothetical that i'm walking you through i don't i don't know how to explain i wish i could call someone wish i could call god right now and ask her how to fucking explain this but uh no i'm supposed to do this on my own jeez jeez fucking christ okay whatever okay fine all right all right no that's all me that's all that's all you clearance it's all you it's all you get your space get your space all right buddy one more thing i need to show you you're not gonna like it oh no

no take a look down that street there what am i looking at it's cold and windy i can feel that but and what what's that a little stray cat come here come here little fella oh it's a black cat with a some white trim is it tuxedo wait tuxedo cat and he what's he doing outside i don't know that a car he's alone and and and hungry oh oh no oh no no that's right will without the podcast your beloved marty is still wandering the streets all alone oh god i take back everything i said about this world and my friend's life is being objectively better if it's worth the life of one marty then by gum i want all their brains poisoned by gum i'd want to ban them to the hell that we all live in now from the hell's heart i stab at them

for hate's sake i spit at them i want them back i want the pod to live again i want to live again please god let chopo live again and let my co-host brains be fucking ruined if you say so hey will will are you okay what are you doing out here in the cold by this bridge matt matt you you know me you recognize me know you are you kidding we've been looking all over town trying to find you we're sorry about the podcast and we're sorry for always taking advantage of your good nature this is the best christmas ever i've just gotta i mean so much to me that you you guys have apologized and if i just real quick here just gotta scratch a few names off the old kill list and uh just excuse me i've got to go yell some things at the street hello bed

french thives and balls merry christmas merry christmas merry christmas strap house merry christmas mr potter merry christmas kamala harris happy hanukkah alexandrio casio cortez merry christmas go off kings happy holidays episode one happy christmas and the joy of the seasons all the podcasts out there street fight agent apolly and no cartridge merry christmas champagne sharks and merry christmas to youtube balling out super with goku and and regina him too it's it's even christmas and his his evil villainous heart all of them we love you all and most of all merry christmas president donald trump oh kathryn kathryn marty marty boy you're still here you're still here and and well well hello mr podcast inspector mr manica you have a

very serious podcast deficit i know eight thousand subscriptions well william i've got a little paper here and well i i bet it's a warrant for my banning isn't it wonderful merry christmas boys urgel felix amber matt i could i could eat you up like a big plate of beans where where where's kathryn i'm here oh kathryn my little ginger snap will my darling where have you been kathryn let me touch you oh you're real oh well oh well oh kathryn you're reaching the throws of ecstasy that i've come to know and be so familiar with this is like you're happy to see me again and you're saying these things so convincingly uh kathryn you've got you have you have no idea what's what's happened to me you see i've passed through some sort of universal membrane into a the multiverse you see our reality

exists parallel to many others stop with the nerd shit already you have no idea what happened well come on come on downstairs quick they're on their way all right come on in now well stand over by the tree right there don't move i can hear him coming will it's a miracle here look it's it's uncle nick stave and adam isn't it wonderful will we did it we did it they told us you're in trouble and so we scoured the internet collecting money in five dollar increments we didn't ask any questions we just said to ourselves you know if people knew how intimately connected our shows were now you're in a way responsible for everything that i personally say and do you wouldn't have any problems at all stavey baby stavey you're here i'm here will here you go i've donated every plus size erotic photo

i've ever taken to myself including some special shots i took just for you where you can see my fully erect penis and testicles all the hard dick warriors showed out for you we love you will stop all the stavey's angels and now i can see your hard dick adam adam you came and it's christmas here you are will merry holidays i called my uncle jeffrey epstein and he's going to refer your case the world's best lawyer alan dirshowitz actual pedophile he helps innocent men like you when they're in trouble oh my all my problems are solved i feel like claus von bullo and i've made the rounds and i've sold all my racist impressions and characters all my nazi memorabilia including the nazi plate from american beauty which i had for some reason just for you will

because i wouldn't have a roof over my head if it weren't for our friendship oh come boys it's a christmas miracle look old old mr sanders is here he's still advocating for economic policies above all else the explicit exclusion of race gender and sexual equality happy holidays i'm not a member of the party but i do caucus with this party that i have some small gifts for the children the young people and also our seniors the average cost of these gifts was 27 bucks nobody's listening i have the same cadence even when nobody's listening oh bless you too you old crank by gosh even the bedford stuyvesant falls tiny dick salesman it showed up look everybody wants a good present but what's a better present than a small dick it doesn't make them feel bad about the one they

already have you can wrap it up you know you save money on the paper everybody wants to save money on the paper okay you're gonna love it it's gonna be the best dick you ever seen they say i don't know about that mister and i go oh yeah and i pull it out of my mouth it's been in there the entire time that's how small it is but they don't even see that it's in my mouth just a minute quiet everybody quiet quiet it's an email i just got mr soros cables that you need cash stop my office instructed to advance you up to 25 000 stop he hawn mary christmas george soros wow that guy is no fucking idea how to use an email look everybody it's phoenix he's back from 14 hours straight of gaming and he's a hero toast everyone raised their minis to my friend will the richest man in

podcasting look will you know what they say every time a bell rings an angel becomes a beautiful bimbo kitten oh clearance should all the quaintance be forgot and never brought to mind jesus christ should all the quaintance be forgot and never brought to mind so that's it that's that's my christmas story that's what the fuck was that man it seems like everybody was better off without you yeah why wouldn't you just stayed non-existent i really don't want my identity in this show to be pegged as a drunk who loves whippets that's virtual i was an even more successful writer if i book debut number five in the new york times best seller list that's why the fuck did you come back why did it end with singing that's kind of masturbatory

this is like family guy or something it's really dumb got phoned in merry christmas everybody very christmas by humbug well that's too strong because it is my favorite holiday but all this year has been a busy blur don't think i have the energy thread my already mad rush just closets is the season the perfect gift for me would be completions and connections left from last year ski stop and counter most interesting at his number but never the time most of anyone pass along those lines so deck those halls trim those trees raise up christmas here i just need to catch my breath if

if my heart penis could get sucked but nothing but small men i'd pull my nuts back and come all over will's little back isn't that the new year song