Chapo Trap House - UNLOCKED: 277 - Tabletop Game Theory Pt. VI: Musks of Nyarlathotep (1/3/19)

Episode Date: August 19, 2019

Come see Tabletop Game Theory live in Providence this Friday, Aug 23rd: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/chapo-trap-house-plays-call-of-cthulhu-live-tickets-62234533164 whats up hoes. here to save your post christmas and new year's blues with part two of our Cthulu campaign. forget if this is the one where I display all time great rolling ability. oh yeah if you're Serbian or Armenian and your Christmas is in a few days enjoy this with your Yuletide joy. everywhere is Serbia or Armenia. let's go!

Hi everybody, Chris here, producer Chris. We're unlocking episodes five and six of our tabletop game theory series to prepare for our first ever live recording of a tabletop game theory later this week. This Friday, August 23rd at 9 p.m. Virgil, Will, Matt, Felix, and myself on the sound board will be playing Call of Cthulhu live at the Columbus Theater in Providence, Rhode Island as part of Necronomicon 2019. Tickets are still available and the event link is in the description to these episodes. Please come out if you're at all nearby. We're really hoping to put together something special for this, and

it should be a great mind-rending time. And with that, on to the adventure. On last week's episode of Chappo Trapp House, our heroes learned that mixing rocketry with romance is a recipe for ruination. Can the Capone Boys get to the bottom of this cosmological caper in time to abort Enoch Musk's torpedo of terror? Or will they suffer the slings and arrows of the mad magnate's outrageous fortune? Find out on this week's thrilling conclusion to Musks of Nile Rocker Tap. What follows is canon. Professor Hack and Bush, you wake up and you're back in

the penthouse suites, attacking on labs. You're in Slimes' room. You see Chadwick and Slimes, they're in bed and they're making love, but their bodies are obscured. Frantically you run around the bed trying to get a better view, but the result is the same. No matter where you stand, you can't see anything but their heads. Chadwick sees you and a pang of fear shoots through your heart. He says, Oh, hey Mac, your sister say anything about me? No, I'm just playing. I don't give a shit about her anymore. The pussy was trash. Yo, why do you care so much about Enoch's rocket? You want to huff his rocket, bro? That's

pretty dang, he ain't it? Slimes laughs at you rapidly losing sanity in the will to live. What do you do? Maybe I'll try to explain to them that we were way late on the road back to the hotel. It sounds like you pollukas should just give up. Also, why do you keep trying to explain things? You know shit? Do you learn? That's pretty dang, learning is dandy, bro. Well, I assure you, sir, I'm not a catamite, but you know, if I were, I wouldn't be interested in you or the woman. Obviously not the woman, but not you either. He's making, you know, that same very strange, rickety arm gesture. Chad's

bicep grows larger and larger until it consumes your entire field of vision. You feel every pulse of his thick veins hard against your face and then it all goes black again. Dr. Pennyfarthing, you're back in the cafeteria tacky on labs. Tables are full of animated scientists and engineers all chattering enthusiastically over big flagans of that white beverage. Periodically making that facial expression of surprise and excitement. You're standing over a table of three of them talking about your show. Oh, good heavens. Did you see that Capone speak easy as doing an interview with Enoch Musk? Three of them go, ah, and

make that face. Heaven's to bacon. I love him. I love him so much that I work for him and live in his house. That episode is going to be so much this. I bet William Hackenbush is going to drop some epic race science bombs on us. Well, I bet Lieutenant Cumtree is going to introduce another hilarious character like the Bulgarian mailman or what if Woodrow Wilson were a revenant? Surely. Surely the only thing that won't be epic will be Dr. Pennyfarthing, who's categorically the worst member of this radio show. I bet Dr. Pennyfarthing will deliver yet another one of his boneheaded tirades about the need for a mass working class

movement to replace the genitals of humans with those of livestock. Well, I can't say that I'm not perturbed by this ensucian prattle. My hand, I must admit, strays towards the pommel of my sword came. I have a strong urge to cut this ragamuffin's head clean off, but I out of decorum in a need to maintain operational security, stifle these feelings, and I guess I just sit here and listen for more actionable intelligence. The door-to-door survey we did about our show revealed that, you know, while 67% of respondents say I'm the most aware of the Slavic problem, you're in fact the plurality of listeners' favorite host. So,

you know, don't worry about these guys. It's that knowledge that will keep me from just slicing this half-wit in twain. Yeah, don't read the pamphlet that our fans hand out. Matt, the next thing you hear, the third one, the third one says, perhaps Dr. Penny Farthing will find himself in another hullabaloo akin to the time he posed for an auto-chrome at Fattie Artbuckle's house. Matt, a server walks by holding a shiny silver platter. You glance into it, the reflection that peers back is not your own, but that of one of these men, one of these scientists with an unkempt beard and a jaw so slack it hangs several inches

beneath the top of your mouth. Felix, what's up? You're on a brilliant green field in the distance you see tiny cities, maces, a swamp, a desert, water surrounds this land, you're on an island, you're playing hoop and stick, you're doing an extremely good job moving the stick in a circle with expert precision, but your teammates are floundering. One of them is merely doing an erratic dance like a Coyker might do. Another says, I need sticks, then they all say, I need stick. Do you have sticks? Can I get a stick? Seemingly out of nowhere, flaming hoops soar through the air. When they make contact with your teammates, they explode

like sticks of dynamite. You look all around you, but you can't see your antagonist or antagonists. You can only hear the hoops whooshing through the air, make a dodge roll. That is a 2. Really? 0-0-2? Yeah. Alright? I'm a fucking god, dude. You dodge a hoop about to decapitate you, you look up and on the high ground is that burly man from earlier, that Chadwick from the factory. He's pushing five flaming hoops at once. Mac, how come you keep losing to these kids? Yeah, first of all, I don't really have the best peripherals. I actually like have a job that demands me to wake up early, and often I'm like less well rested than these

children are playing. And also, actually, like kids have better reflexes, so it's actually amazing I'm one of as many games I have. And also like fuck you, if I had longer fingers, I'd be able to maneuver the stick better and the hoop. And also, it's fucking RNG, like it's luck. Yo, self-pity, that's the cat's pajamas. Why don't you give it up? Why don't you give up and go back to New York where you belong? Alright, I'm fucking, he's at the rage button. I'm fucking, I'm about to, I'm about to rage on my stick and hoop stream. Have a heated stick and hoop moment. I'm gonna call a good Protestant, a Papist. You know why everyone thinks we

have a toxic culture? You can do one thing, what do you do? Alright, I actually, no, I want to argue with Chad. Okay, what are you saying? Oh yeah, how many fucking games have you won, dude? He cackles at you and then sends all five hoops towards you. I'll say one thing you can do is make a dodge roll, but I require a hard success, which is to roll half your dodge or lower. Gotta get under 15, let's go. Alright, no, I didn't technically get a hard success, this is 27, a little better, but I do want to point out that Chad, that's not an argument. Throw that fucking flaming bullshit at me. Oh, and you have explosives, dude. Wow, you're really fucking skilled, man. You dodged the

game, Chad. You dodged the first four hoops, but you turn your head in the last second, the first one crashes into your face. Make a sanity roll, please. Alright. Well, I failed. Oh, thank God I passed. Oh dear, I failed as well. Yeah. Matt, Felix, lose one sanity. Man, are y'all Donkey Kong? For your unnerving dreams. Matt and Will lose two sanity. 20. No, no, I'm down to 17. 17. Teetering on the edge of insanity. Damn, I think my friend got BPD. Fuck. The three of you awaken. You have massive headaches and that bumpy ride isn't helping. Your arms and legs are bound. You're on some sort of truck bed. It's the crack of dawn. You see the morning sun piercing through the tops of gigantic redwood trees. Now what?

How about how we attempt to loosen our bonds by like, I'm going to position my, I'm just going to sort of roll over and position my mouth near one of your sort of sort of nether regions and try to bite through the ropes, binding you together. Alright. Tightly, but snugly. Okay, let's go. You do that and you hear a banging from the cab of the truck. Hey, cut that shit out. Why don't you mind your fucking business? What happens in a closed, well, open truck bed is none of your business. Here's what happens. At the very least, even though you're tightly bound, you can still kind of sit up in the truck and see your surroundings. The truck passes through a wooden palisade and then slows to a crawl.

These grounds are not at all like the natural surrounding vegetation. These grounds are lush and fertile. A well manicured topiary is about. There are gorgeous fountains, statues of nude men, warriors, emperors, gods in the classical style. Peacocks roam around and in the distance you see men like the ones who assailed you all clad in black with black berets doing jumping jacks. On another side, you see men sitting in a circle, cross-legged, periodically crying and yelling. Damn, this is the kind of gym I wish I had. The truck crawls to a halt in front of a gorgeous wooden chalet. The men from the cab get out and they loosen your bonds. They drag you in front of another man. You see he has a badge on his black tunic. It just says the number two. He greets you.

Officer, I just want to say to you I honor your service and sacrifice. I was disgusted the way the chulest Joe Jackson knelt when they played Cap Town Races of the World Series. Ignoring what you say, he bows ever so slightly and says, Compone Boys, it is a pleasure to have you here in the Wald Garden. I give you my most sincere apologies for the way that we brought you here because this location is very much so a well-garded secret and we don't know yet if we can trust you. Yeah, no, dude, you can trust. No, dude, I keep all the secrets. Like my cousin told me that he is a cleft dick and like I've held that as secret until now. I just, you're the first person that's found out about it. How about the

first step to establishing trust is respecting my safe word, Calvin Coolidge. My safe words are Calvin Coolidge. I'm saying Calvin Coolidge right now and I'd like you really like to, you know, untie these bonds, sister. He nods and the other men untie your bonds. Well, that's the first step on the road to trust. Now maybe you'd like to know something about myself, you know, Dr. William Hackenbush. We know quite a bit about you. In fact, many men come here to the Wald Garden with knowledge of your program. Well, seems to have gone from bad to better. How about, well, who are you and where are we? My name is too. You're in Northern California in the Wald Garden, the compound of the great psychoanalyst, Jurgen

Hiedermann. Without knowing anything about this guy, sounds pretty cool. You all know about this guy. He's one of the most famous intellectuals of your time. He's part archaeologist, part philosopher, part psychoanalyst. In fact, we're very new field, of course. He went, he was very, very big during the first two decades of the century. In the past few years, he disappeared from the public eye. Wow. Mr. Jurgen Peterson, this is, when I saw his lecture that he gave on the Edison film train pulls into station and how it is undermining essential masculine values in our society, I was wrapped and it changed my life. He destroyed Steamboat Willie. He absolutely obliterated that film. The Betty Boops are weakening our society. Absolutely. When the way

she danced with those ghosts, that was a cheery, like an eerie premonition of totalitarianism. Right. It shows that women, they summon chaotic afterlife energy. He's right about that. I love this guy. I love this guy. You are familiar that Peterman went underground or disappeared from the public eye around the time of the Lavoyage Don LaLune prequel that introduced female characters into that canon. You know, I don't blame him. This is a, this is a beautiful walled garden. And, uh, you know, I'd like to, I'd like to hear what Mr. Peterman, why he's brought us here. Two says the following. Our agents have been observing you in San Francisco. We know that you have access to Enoch Musk and Taki on laboratories. You are the only ones that we

think can help put a stop to this rocket. Uh, why do you want to stop it? Yeah. I'd like to, I'd like to watch it just go into space. Yeah, you're not rooting for him. Peterman can explain more. Maybe he should do that. Two leads you inside the chalet. It's gorgeous and massive. The walls are cluttered with strange and eclectic art. Soviet posters, Mandarin scrolls, African masks, things of this nature. You notice two things. One, there are many men wearing black tunics and black braze, cleaning, constantly cleaning. And two, they're all men. There's nary a woman to be seen. Even the peacocks are male. You are led up a grand staircase to a set of double doors guarded by two men.

Uh, you see from their badges, number seven and nine. They nod and open the doors. Inside is a large bedroom. An old and sickly man sits in the bed. He is surrounded by uneaten plates of meat. Thick stakes barely touch an entire suckling pig with just one bite taken out of it. With a limp hand, he beckons you to come close. I think we, I think we should approach him. Dr. Peterman, I'm, this is a fellow Dr. William Hackenbush, also a prisoner of academia, if you will, in the rather unfashionable field of phrenology, which, you know, continues to be assailed by the illogical and unscientific. And as such, as a phrenologist, I have watched your work from afar with great esteem and respect, and it is an honor to meet you, sir.

You're, you're Dr. Hackenbush. Professor Hackenbush, your obsequiousness doesn't you no favors. But I thank you nonetheless. Capone boys, there is not much time left. Listen closely sport, learn the truth. All right, you ready there? Ready. Lay it on me. Ready, ready. When I was a younger man, just beginning my academic career, I by chance ingested a substance from the chemistry department, put me to sleep for a long time. I woke in a land that I call the void. It's a land not unlike our land, beyond our land, a place with no time, no physics. For many years, I wandered this land in my dreams. There I studied at the feet of the greatest teachers in the universe. There I were coiled in the horror, the most grotesque monstrosities. So we have teachers,

and we have monsters. What do we have there? Sounds like the modern university, am I right? He turns to Matt and Felix. What do we, what do we, what do we got? It's fucking not good, dude. I can tell you that. Miss me with it is what I say. That's right. That's right. We have chaos. Okay. Now what's the opposite thing? Now what's the opposite of chaos? Not non-caus. A made bed. Okay. Anti-chaos. A clean room. Okay. A tall glass of milk to drink when you wake up. Okay, that's right. It's the patriarchal world of light. That's the opposite of chaos. Absolutely, absolutely. Totally, dude. My sister was actually allergic to light, so she would only ever be in the dark. Wow, that's crazy. Our reality is the world of light, but that reality, that other void

reality is mapped onto ours, hidden by a gossamer curtain, never truly apart from ours. It is only through maintaining the world of light by cultivating our walled garden that we can keep the chaos of the void at bay, okay? No, all right. Professor, I've like, I've cut all chaotic people out of my life. Like after, I just went to rehab, sir. I'm sober. Next to the realm that we live in, there's a realm where the rules of physics, math, logic, and reason don't apply. Are you talking about a different dark universe or the humanities department of a major university? Boom. Dude, fucking get to rest. Let's go. I should note here that he looks very sickly on the edge of death. Professor, are you like dying? My mental travels have taken their toll on my corporeal frame,

but my end has been accelerated. I've been poisoned. By whom, doctor? I can only suspect the forces of chaos. Our scientist, Thurman, apple cider was slipped into my gravy. Not apple cider. That's known to be a madness instigator. Poison. It's poison. Like most of the food that we eat, but with a void. Now, what do you think? In the law of opposites, secures our world from chaos or the chaos of the void, springing the void. You following this? Male, male energy, the phallus and like a big like steak with no salt or sauce or anything. Hierarchy, okay? Hierarchy maintains order. The Egyptians knew this. That's why they gifted us the pyramid, okay? In our time, the lowly suede, toils in the fields, so the noble congressman

may be well fed. The wife, darn socks, so the father's feet may be clad, okay? That's the order of things. Is the hierarchy. And the forces in the void, you know what they want to do? What they want to do? They want to upend this hierarchy, okay? That's what we got. They want to tear a rift into our world and bring chaos into the world. That's elementary, okay? What Dr. Peerman is describing sounds a lot like what I witnessed at Eon Flux's headquarters, or Enic Musk's headquarters, when his girlfriend Slimes was running with the Chadwick beast who, again, you know, insulted me deeply. That guy's a fucking pussy. Slimes, that one, the Shantous. Oh, you notice her garish purple hair. You see that anywhere?

That's right. It's called aposemitism. It's a warning signal used by animals to ward off predators, throw them off a trail. She wants you to keep away. But even in the void, there's hierarchy. And atop that hierarchy is Azoth, the emperor of the gods. His plan of potentiary is a figure I've met many times in the void. I've done battle with him, okay? Creature known as Niar. And now you have met Niar as well. What? Wait, I- First of all, professor, that's not your word. I- I don't- I don't think I've met any- any Niar's. Oh, really? Really? All right, sit down. Buckle up. Why don't you? All right?

When hierarchies break down in human societies, a figure inevitably appears, okay? Figure who preys on the weakness of men and the lack of order. I've identified three such figures in my studies. In the third millennium, before Christ, there emerged a leader in the Nile Valley known as Nefrenkha, the Black Pharaoh. Okay? He tormented the Egyptians with dark magic before he was put away by an alliance of Mesopotamians led by the great hero Gilgamesh. Peterman gestures towards a hieroglyphic freeze in his bedroom. You observe it. You look at it closely. The first panel shows a burly man making that gesture that one arm is raised and the other arm is downturned. Behind him are five females. In the second row of that freeze are five males

who are making a- walking with a large long stride, looking downward. There's only one female in that freeze. This is all striking a deep resonance with me, both as an academic and someone who is exposed to slimes and the Chadwick creature that we saw at Tachyon Labs. This Chadwick character is in fact some sort of embodiment of ancient mystical lore as what we're seeing here in these hieroglyphs. Oh, good guess, bucko. Well done. You got a gold star there. Are you happy about that? You got a trophy. Yes. All right. You put that one together, huh? I am happy. If you follow my writings, my treatises, you know that figures emerge in every society, the same figure. In the 12th century, the Mongols became weak after permitting women to ride horses and abandoning

their wrestling children and abandoning their wrestling traditions for throat singing. You know this figure is Temujin. He brought terror to the entire Asian continent, stopped only by the disunity of his children. He points above him right above his bed is a portrait of Genghis Khan, but you're all familiar with line drawings of the Great Khan, right? Of course. But they only, normally, they just show his face and a little part of his upper body. They don't show his arms, but this one does. His arms are unmistakably the arms of Chadwick Lawler. It appears that this Chadwick figure is sort of a recurring avatar that cycles throughout history. It appears at certain moments as Dr. Peterman was telling us to, I don't know, to challenge order and introduce

chaos and insult intelligent and cultured men such as myself. Chadwick rears his ugly head and destroys everything, and it's like, you know, the Spartans, like, they had a great society because they did order. Like, they went beast mode on their kids, and Chadwick probably showed up. He was the Persians. Like, was Xerxes a Chad? Peterman pulls a big tome out from his bedside table, opens it up and says the following. In the last century, the powers of Europe's kings wane due to the abandonment of their great traditions of incest and hemophilia. Perhaps you're familiar with this man. He holds it up using pretty much all of his old man's strength, and it's a lithograph of Karl Marx, but he's also making that same arm gesture.

Oh my god. His legs rickety. There's some bulbous aspect coming from where his genitalia might be. Chad is trying to fuck Europe. Europe is the most sacred part of this world because it's ruled by cousins who hate each other. In these past two decades, America, God's world of light has become one. Uh, mongrelization? Yeah, just fucking, you know, pull up your pants, jazz music. I hate it. That's right. That's right. It's the unbearable present. Women's suffrage. Public transportation. Irishmen. They've destroyed our hierarchy, our masculinity. They've invited chaos into our realm, okay? Dude, go off. It used to be like it was between me and my meat producer, like how many Polish fingers were in my ground beef. And now, like, you've got that guy like up

in Sinclair. It's suddenly his fucking business. No one minds their business, and look, we don't have order, and Chad's gonna fuck us all. Chad's gonna fuck us all just like in that unfa- I don't want to talk about it. It's unfair. I'm gonna get my rematch. They've all made us easy prey for Nair, now Enoch Musk, who had a chance to be a great man. He's clearly under the sway of Nair. You've met him. You've met his latest avatar. It is unmistakable. Chadwick is an avatar of Nair, and I saw him. I witnessed personally in images that will be seared into the limps of my brain until I received the blizzard release of death. Him praying at the altar of Nair, the female, sort of a Bathsheba, a temptress character. I'm talking about Slimes. And Dr. Penny Farthing,

you found her latest music cylinder, which contained within it an incantation calling forth chaos and banishing consensual incest among the ruling class. Yes, she's clearly some sort of adept into an occult realm. There's no question about that. Gentlemen, as Dr. Peterman has laid out, our trip here to San Francisco was no mistake, and we find ourselves once again embroiled in a battle for the future of this thing we call humanity. My agents have infiltrated Taki on labs. They've been observing for several years now. They've not been able to figure out what Nair's plot is this time. But we know it has something to do with that rocket. But our abilities are limited. We attempted to kill Enoch and Slimes

with the destruction of the first rocket, but it failed. Dr. Peterman, you're telling me you were willing to sacrifice up to 500 immigrants and then one or two people for the sake of killing just Slimes and Enoch must? For the greater good, you have to understand it is the only way. Why did the world just fight this cataclysm? Why did hordes of young men run to their deaths in fields of machine gun bullets, mustard gas, to protect the order of consensual incest among the ruling class? Exactly. Their cousin was the best. To protect the hierarchy, but we've lost it. We've won the war, but lost the peace. Dr. Peterman, you have kidnapped and used rather incorrect, but it's okay. Shibari style bondage on the right man. That man is me, and we have the secret passives

to Enoch Musk's shindig in the desert where he's gonna do his second rocket launch. I think I have an idea about what to do. Dr. Hackenbush, this reminds me of another vision I had of a movie that will come out in the year 2018 called Venom. This is eerily reminiscent of the plot of that movie that I've imagined will come out many years in the future. If you were to confront the eternal adversary whom I've confronted many times in the void using logic to prove my point, and embarrass him, if you yourselves are to confront him in our world, you first have to sort yourself out, okay? I mean, there's nothing unfinished to me. I don't know what you're talking about. I've got my life together. In the morning, you are to go into the void and you are to face

your greatest fears, your greatest desires. There's only so nothing through mental fortitude that you can survive this. Many men have tried. Many of my men, they've failed. If you will stop the rocket, you will have to do this, okay? You got that? Is that good with you, sport? Well, I'm like, I've literally never been afraid in my life. So I could actually like do that right now, but I'll wait for everyone. It's fine, I'll wait. I'm apprehensive, but I'm willing to put my life and now incredibly tenuous sanity in the hands of a man who I think is very clearly well adjusted, sensible, and healthy. I mean, dude, he's only eaten beef since we've seen him, and that is the clear sign of somebody who knows what's up. I will follow him to the gates of hell.

Oh, I've told you all that I can for one day. Please, veil yourselves. The resources in my chalet. Believe me now. I'll see you bright and early tomorrow morning for your trial. All right, sweet dreams. Sweet dreams, Doctor. Peterman falls asleep and two leads you out of the room, locking the doors behind. As Dr. Peterman said, you can avail yourselves of the facilities here. It's important that you get some rest, considering all that you've been through in the past few days. By avail, ourselves with the facilities, is there a library or any ancient tomes I could go through to maybe learn and prepare myself for my void experience? We certainly do have a library and you're welcome to check it out. We also have a gymnasium, a medical ward,

classrooms, I believe a wooing artisanship is on tap this afternoon, and as well, if you find a necessary male bonding therapy, there's time for each of you to check out one of these things. I guess, I mean, I am the doctor here, so I should probably check out the medical facility. I, uh, one of my greatest fears that I hit my head and I forget how to get pussy, so I want a backup plan in there. So, uh, like, take the courtship class, please. Okay. And I will check out the, I will avail myself of the male bonding session. We'll start with Matt. Matt, you had to a medical ward where it's a series of beds, hospital beds with the same black tunic men, some of them in traction,

various levels of injuries, uh, you know, standard things moaning, uh, they're all hooked up to IVs with a brown substance going into them. Uh, you recognize at least one of them as your assailant from the last night. Oh snap. It's time to get some payback. I'm not gonna do anything crude like that. I would rather spend my time, uh, investigating and finding out any kind of useful information. I think you should, I think you should look closer at what's in the, the brown bags being fed into them like motor oil. I would like to see what these people are being infused with, that's for sure. Hashtag food porn, hashtag beef sirloin, hashtag chef in and out. A doctor is moving from bed to bed, checking on the patients,

you know, ensuring that they're getting the proper regimen, that sort of thing. I want to do whatever it takes to find out what this brown substance is. Well, you could go to a guy who's just in like a total full body cast and just take it out. Yes, that's what I want. Take it out of him. Yes. Uh, you do so in, you give it a sniff. It does smell like meat, drippings, that sort of thing. Thanksgiving dinner, Easter ham. Interesting. Is this just an infusion of protein? Is this what we're dealing with? Presumably, yes. Sort of quack diet that involves the person in just ingesting nothing but protein, uh, to the exclusion of all other nutrients and then never, uh, moving their bowels. I would like to get a sample of the infusion. I mean, this is a diet that by 1950,

every American will have adopted and will subsequently be able to live to over 200 years old. You decant some of the fluid into a test tube in your, uh, that you carry around with you. Uh, in the bed beside you, not the one with the man in full traction, uh, the patient crawls out of it and then crawls up you and then grabs you by the lapels and says, please tell me I'll make it. Tell me, tell me that, that daddy won't be mad at me. Uh, you get a look at him. He's got that same slack jaw that the scientists attack your laboratories have. I just don't want to be surprised by everything so much. I'm not that delighted by things. I don't have feelings, feelings, no. Good luck. Tony, uh, he touches

your head and says, I saw it. I saw it was there. I couldn't do it. You get a look at his lapels, numbers 15, pretty high, presumably. What did you see? I saw my father. I couldn't do it. I couldn't do it. I tried. What couldn't you do? I couldn't, I couldn't make him love me. I just know, no, no, no, no, daddy. You couldn't make him love me. It doesn't take- Fathers aren't supposed- Fathers aren't supposed to love their children. That's so scary. That's so strong with this guy. It doesn't take a medical role to know this man is in the throes of acutus serium.

A primordial terror being unlovable by their father figure. That appears to be what I'm observing here in this board. Felix, where did you say you wanted to go? Uh, I'm going to the courtship station because I'm afraid, I'm not afraid, but it's like one of my understandable, like, misgivings about our adventures. I'll hit my head, I'll get a concussion, and I'll forget how to get laid. Forget how to get that goop. There's a whole wing of classrooms. Most of them are empty today, but one of them is full. You peek inside and the instructor notices you. There's about two dozen men paying attention to him.

And how are you going to learn how to get some slime with only dudes? Here's what the guy looks like. He's wearing the same tunic as everyone else, but it's festooned in some fashion. There are peacock feathers all around it. It's bedazzled with gemstones. Oh my God, so he wants to make himself stand out. It's almost like he's behaving like an ostrich. Instead of a black beret, it's a bright pink top hat. Wow, that's fucking cool, dude. Fraggly, sir, nothing that you've seen before.

You look fucking gangster. Confidently, he shoots you at glands and says, Hey, killer, I'm number 75, but you can call me cryptic. Yeah. You're just- Yo, you're Justin Tyne. Do you want to run some sport on this HD9? He gestures to a wireframe mannequin wearing a corset. The everyone in the class is looking intently at you, intently at you.

All right, I have no idea what he's talking about, but I'd like to know more. This guy seems really cool. Hey, don't be shy. I'm not shy, dude. I've never been anxious in a social situation, honestly. I can see that, man. Be the man who controls his social situation. I do. Be in control of your environment at all times. Just go up to him. Go up to the ship.

All right, I want to go up to the mannequin. I'm supposed to do the lines that I do where I'm just slamming flappers. Okay, I walk up to the mannequin. I'm not doing so good. My childhood, it's the 10th year anniversary of my childhood. Dog dying. My back honestly hurts. I've been traveling.

I haven't gotten to play telegraph checkers. It fucking sucks. I hate tour. I think I probably have cancer. Like 100%. Make a persuade role. Okay. Fail.

The mannequin, for some reason, a ghostly voice comes to the mannequin and invites Felix back to her lady's boarding room, to which Felix just replies, no. I'm good. 75 shakes his head with kind of a smirk on his face. Everyone else in the classroom kind of goes, oh, all right. Brother, brother, you could use some sport. Okay.

Here's what you need to do. One, build her up, and two, tear her down. You do that, do negative reinforcements. I'm honestly disgusted by this. This is not like the proper way that you, uh, you know, bet a harlot. It's like all sexual attraction is based on the woman feeling sorry for you. You have to bring up everything bad that's happened to you. That's the only way you're going to get that sweet slime around your flagpole.

75 just smirks at you and says, uh, 117. Why don't you give it a shot? Uh, a very, very small and thin man comes up. Not a good, not a looker by any means. Uh, frankly, he resembles someone who might listen to your radio show and you might look down upon, he goes up to the wireframe, the wireframe mannequin and says, hey, I really like your figure. Are you an extra in a bombs novel, the Wizard of Oz?

Are you a scarecrow of some sort? That's so stupid. Everyone applauds in the classroom. That's so stupid, dude. 75 says to you, hey, uh, my clearly charismatic friend here. Why don't you tell the class how to do it? It's easy. All right.

I'm, uh, I'm imagining a show that will be made 80 years in the future. Uh, it's about guys who work in advertising. It's called insane guys. Oh, what's advertising? You know, it's like when you draw a blackface to get people to buy your toothpaste or whatever. Right. Yeah. That's what you buy or something like that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like when you take out, um, uh, an ad in the, in the, in the farmer's pamphlet or circular for your, uh, vital tonic, I just read it. I read a really persuasive article about a young man named Edward Bernays who pointed out exactly what persuasion meant in the popular context. And he, he really made me understand exactly what advertising was going to mean in the future. Yes. Advert, advertising, it's one of the Jewish sciences.

Right, right. It's okay. So I'm going to be, I'm going to be like this character in this show. I'm imagining insane guys, Ron Raker, and he's like, he's very smooth to be like this. Women have an entrance anyway, they'll let men in to their city walls. It's not that they see that they're a well-outfitted army outside, clamoring to get in, but a crying small child, just wanting to eat the rats in the alleyway. And I put it like that, like very smoothly and metaphor that they can understand for my,

you know, my model of courtship, which is pity based. I'd like to roll a persuasion roll. Felix, uh, what's your power 55 roll the higher of your power or persuasion? Yeah, I'm going to admit, I'm not rolling as good at this as I'm in combat. I didn't convince any of these guys. Uh, whatever. Yeah, they're like, um, what? Uh, whatever, fuck you guys.

You have fun trying to fuck this mannequin. I'm going to be out there telling women, uh, you know, all sorts of stuff. I'm going to talk about how Woodrow Wilson was my friend and like his stroke really affected me. I'm going to tell. I could be alone. Right. I could be alone.

Yeah. You know, I'm just going to bring up all of it and it may be not, not, might not work for you guys because you're not charismatic enough. You have to wear these fucking tutus, but me personally works for me and that's what matters. Let's wheel over finally to Professor Hackenbush. Uh, where did you want to go again? Uh, the male bonding, uh, seminar, right? Uh, uh, you wander around the grounds.

You can't really find it inside the building. So you walk outside and you find it. It's on the grounds, you know, uh, surrounded by these lush topiaries. It's, there's a circle, uh, the circle delineated by white rocks. Uh, and, uh, like this circle is not, there's no grass there and there's just men sitting cross legged. Um, uh, there's a man in the center beating bongo drums. I'd like to, uh, you know, step into the circle.

Yeah. No, no, no. He begs you like, Hey, come on. Let's let it all out. Uh, you know, usually not one to be known to, you know, let it out or let anything in. But no, just let it out. All right. Let it all out.

All right. I'll sit down and then immediately sit down and then just drum, drum, drum and on the third beat. Everyone just shouts, I go, father, father, why did you only look at me through a mirror? Father, they all go father, father, and then they recite their own individual. Father, father, why did you only make eye contact with me through a mirror? Father, why would you only converse with me in classical Greek, Latin or Sanskrit? One man stands up and says, father, I'm sorry, I tried to play with raggedy handles.

I didn't mean to, father, I'm sorry, I didn't die in a coal mining accident like you always wanted me to at age 12, father, I'm sorry, I bet my money on the Bob tail nag. I should have bet the bay. I should have bet the bay, father, don't chest eyes me in ancient Greek. You let it all out. You shout, shout. You let it all out and you feel, it's almost like he's giving away his tears for fears. Will, you feel a lot better at the end of this seven hour shouting session.

Can I get a few sanity points back? Oh wow dude, you just made one of the greatest deals I've ever seen. Will, roll it D6 and gain that many sanity points. That's how therapy works. You cry and then you get six, let's go. So what are you up to now? Two, three, four, five, six, I'm now at 24, well all right. Nighttime now, you get dinned in at the beautiful cafeteria, you're eating meat.

In the morning, your trial, anything you want to do tonight? I mean, I think I'll probably just get a good night's sleep. Could be helpful. Yeah, I want to be on the top of my game and the boys. Everybody go to full health and if you're not already, I believe you should be. Back up to 10, we love it. It's morning now, you wake up at dawn, ready for this ominous trial. Two brings you back into Peterman's room.

He has multiple gravy IVs hooked up to him. He looks frankly, he looks frankly worse than he did the day before, if that's even possible. He just looks like a... Maybe he has some kind of awful beard now, I don't know, just theoretically. He looks like a skull with hair, honestly, but he says to you the following, there's only so much I can do to help you while you're there. You'll have to figure it out on your own, okay? Just remember these things before trying to fix your life.

Sort yourself out, clean your room, consult the ancestral spirits, then you'll know what to do. Are you ready? You ready for the voyage? Yes, sir. Absolutely. A man comes in, totally silent, has the number three on his black tunic, he has a silver tray with him, on it are three lines of white substance.

He hands you a straw, each one of you. I'll do three lines, one in each nostril and then one in the other for good luck. You do the first one, and then you motion to do the second one, and he slaps you on this. Felix and Matt? No thanks, sir, I'm sober. I'm gonna bump that shit. Peterman glares daggers at you, Felix.

Oh, wow, dude, you really pissed at me. What are you gonna do, get out of bed? Listen to me, country, if I may, I fucking love you, dude. Like the respect I have for you, man, is fucking total and complete. It's total and complete respect. Absolutely, you're fucking amazing, dude. And what we've fucking done here, we're the greatest. No, shut the fuck up.

Well, the one thing what we've done here, we've been in Capone, Speak Easy, and fucking being here in the beautiful walled garden of Dr. Peterman, and fucking like just fucking dragons here together, I'm like this is you, this is me, this is fucking all of us, man, and I just love you and respect you so fucking much, and I think we should fucking do this shit right now. Okay, okay, fine. And you've been sober for like a good five or six hours, dude. Yeah, five or six hours.

Yeah, yeah, six hours. Fucking reward yourself, dude. You're a fucking warrior. You're a fucking champion, dude. All those other people we have, they were the drug addicts. All right, give me that line, give me that line. You get the line, you do the line, the three of you close your eyes. Oh my god, oh my god, dude, guys, we need to start a fucking record label so you can

do all your camp town races, we have a fucking record label, oh dude, dude, the fucking record label, the same building, we can have a restaurant underneath it. Dude, I love you, it's such a good idea. You have so many good ideas, and then you talk to each other about these really good thousand bucks ideas. But then your voices are drowned out by a wham-wham-wham-wham-wham-wham-wham noise, and then you see each other in slower and slower motion, things grow darker and darker until you hear nothing and you just see blackness.

And then you open your eyes. The three of you are together. You're on a blasted landscape illuminated by three dim suns, there are crystal outcroppings dotting the landscape of purple ground, milling around you are gigantic lobsters. You hear- Guys, guys, this is wild, this is wild, this is like our reality, but different, dude. There's three suns, not one. You're more relaxed right now.

You hear avian screeches in the distance, and also you see in the distance a gigantic black pyramid. It's perhaps two to four miles away. You're all naked also. Good thing I'm okay with that? Yeah, I have nothing to be ashamed of. You feel a gust of wind that chills you to the bone. We should walk in the direction of the pyramid.

Let's do it. As a white hotep, I know pyramids are a source of strength and masculine scenarios. That's right, you told me that the Ingles, like they were the first Egyptians, colonized. You walk for an hour in this blasted landscape, and three of you make spot-hidden rolls, please. Fail by fear. Fail. Fail. Well, you did not want to pass that one, so the spot-hidden roll, you see where the

screeches are coming from. They look like birds or gigantic bats, otherworldly, terrified things. They fill your heart with fear. Make a sanity roll, please. That's a fail. That's a fail. Lose one- Not your best, my dude.

Lose one-d6 sanity. Yeah, I wish you'd delete six points of sanity, brother. Not your best look. Okay, six. I'm back down to 17. I've lost all six points of sanity that I regained during fatherly counseling and drum circling. See that?

That's how you never cry. You're just going to lose that sanity. Here's what happens. You sprint towards the pyramid, your two compatriots attempt to keep up with you. You reach it first, you feel murderous, you feel violent, frankly. You're out of control. The three of you are there in front of the entrance of the pyramid. It has three door-sized glass panels.

You each stand in front of one, and each one of you sees a different vision in the glass panel. Dr. Pennyfarthing, here's what you see. You see your father. Your father, old Colonel Pennyfarthing, wearing his U.S. Army garb. He has five dozen arrows in his back. Father! No!

This is what my son became. You know, we fought for westward expansion instead of continuing our fight deep into the Pacific. Here you are, engaging in ungodly experiments. I'm sorry, Father, I'm trying my best. Lieutenant Cumtree, here's what you see. Your own father, a decorated rough rider, from the battle of San Juan Hill. I thought I raised you in a military family.

Here you are, stealing valor, up and down Europe. All right, well, first of all, he has no legs, by the way, and stands on two peg legs. Yeah, it shows you sucked at war, first of all. I wrecked a hundred Spaniards in Cuba. What have you done? They're the weakest Europeans, first of all. My friend Dr. Hackenbosch just told me about that. You know, second of all, okay, you know, this is just me and you, Dad.

Yeah, I did lie. But my lying brought me to the greatest war of all time, the lying against, like, the Goop Gods, the war against the Goop Gods. And I'm kicking their ass. I'm kicking their fucking ass. I'm kicking their ass. They're a hell of a lot more stronger. We had Goop.

They're a hell of a lot more stronger than the fucking napping pussies you fought in Cuba. We had Goop Gods. We called them Filipinos. And then I was stung by a mosquito. I fought disgusting sea creatures, probably from hell, probably somewhere worse. You haven't fought anything. I have. Playing jacks all day.

I literally... That's your job. That's your job. Fuck you, fuck you. That's the thing about honor. Respect your father. First of all, first of all. Yo, respect your father.

Fuck you. Fuck you. First of all. First of all, in the Far East, jacks players are respected as athletes. That we are. Respect your commanding officer. Second of all, I killed, like, five guys yesterday. Professor Hackenbush, you see your father is just as the last time you saw him, muscular,

wearing an archaeology outfit. He takes off his brown hat and says, son, we need to talk about your sister. Sonia? Yes, father? It's not right. Know about your journals. Know about your thoughts. Why did you think that would be all right?

Quite common among, you know, every ruling class and human civilization, particularly the best civilization. Son, I devoted... Western civilization. I devoted my life to bones and digging them up and then deciding that three bones meant that I discovered a massive, gigantic creature, such as the tyrannous Hackenbush. I've dedicated my life to the study of bones as well. You disgust me.

Why are you... when are you going to settle down with a woman you're not related to? Father, you know, you know how work is? The three of you standing in front of these images of your dead fathers, they're hectoring you. Noisily. It grows louder and louder, terrifying you, insulting you. What are you doing? Give me something.

I think we should try to break the mirror. I think we should try to break through the mirror. Smash the mirror. Rescue our fathers, slay the dragon. The three of you punch the shit out of these mirrors, shattering them. Your father's going, ah, you're the father now. Yeah, not so, not so tough now, Mr. Made out of Glass. This embodied head of Peterman appears, says, good job.

You remembered rule number 17. Fight your dad. Congratulations. You made it inside the pyramid of the mine. Go quickly now. There isn't much time. Yes, sir. Yes, ma'am.

Can I get another heaping of the Elder God? Carefully you walk through the shattered doors. You're walking through a very long, very dark chamber. At some point, the chamber becomes so narrow that you have to crawl through it. After about a half mile, that shaft you're crawling through turns into a slide, a sand slide. You lose your footing, you fall, several minutes, total blackness. You can't see anything.

You can't even see each other. While you're deposited on what seems to be an island. An island surrounded by swirling purple fluid. The island is filthy. It's covered with refuse, consumer goods, spoiled foods, unwashed clothing, very juvenile, recorded music cylinders, things of that nature, jacks, jewel containers, by which you mean containers for rare jewels. Yes, of course.

There are brooms lying around. At the center of the island is a beautiful woman wearing the garb of an African queen. She beckons you in a voice as sweet as a mother's song. Come closer. I totally want to have sex with all of you. And it won't be gay. Well, she'd want to have sex with me more than any of you. All of you.

Together. Come together. All of you. That's what's good to me. Now what? I think we should do it. I mean, I haven't. Let's do it.

Let's do it. Think of it as a team building exercise. Yeah. You're right. You're right. We can build our cooperation. We will be better broadcasters after having negotiated a four-way sexual encounter with this strumpet.

If I can confess something, I haven't done any team building since Sonya was taken by consumption, by consumption, I mean being consumed by rats. But as long as we're here in the Netherverse, you know, what happens here stays here. So let's just fucking do it. Yeah. Exactly. We're already nude. Guys, let's be Spartans.

We're already nude. And let's go beast mode together. Come closer. Come closer. You approach the woman and she flickers in and out of view, but what flickers into view is a gigantic serpent, massive, terrifying beast that you've only ever seen in Cooley restaurants on the placemats. Everyone make a sanity bolt.

No. All right. Failed that one again. Failed it. Barely. But failed it. Everyone lose 1D6 sanity and tell me how much. 2.

Lost 4. Lost 2. I only lost 1. 2, 4, 1. That's a 32. You're terrified. But you keep it together. I'm the most sane guy.

I'm at 12. I mean, you're one shot right now. Here's what's going on. We're going to go by dex ranks and you're in a combat situation against a horrible female serpent of some sort. We'll say she attacks first. She attacks you will. You can make a dodge roll on this.

Yeah, great. Passed it. Nice. Passed it. Fucking Parker's. Passed it. That's a three. I just called Claude.

You dodged out of the way just in time, now what? Can I just try to just hide, basically? Yeah, sure. You duck in a pile of video cylinders. I can really hope this dragon doesn't see me. Felix, you're up now. So? It's gigantic, massive, and terrifying.

Well, I'm not afraid. So there are only like sticks that can rub together on this island. There are brooms. All right. Are there any like open flame sources or anything? Nothing you can see. There are brooms on the island. What are done with brooms?

Sweeping. Yeah. What's on the island? Clutter. Swaste. Let's sweep the clutter into the ocean. Yes. Yes.

Dude, I think recycling sauce. Let's do it this time. Let's do it. That's what recycling is. Let's grab these brooms and let's go to work. Oh my God. Great idea. Felix?

I'm ready to start just sweeping all this trash in the ocean. You grab a broom and you start sweeping into the ocean. As you do, the serpent gives us cry of pain or ah. They always are nagging. It's like, okay, I'm finally sweeping up the island and now you're fucking complaining. Dragons do be nagging. Yeah. I hate it.

Matt? Help us sweep. I sweep. We do. And there's the same impact on the dragon who now looks to be injured in some fashion. Keep sweeping. All right. Next comment.

I'm punishing all the crabs and corals in there. It goes after you again, Will. Of course. Make a dodge roll. Roll the tree again. This one also rolled a three. What? But you do pass a tie, actually, with a dodge roll, so lucky you.

What do you want to do? I just keep sweeping. Keep cleaning up this island. You sweep a pile of Collier's weeklies into the purple Goop Felix. Is there a bed on the island? Oh, fine. Yeah. You know what?

Yes. There is a bed on the island. All right. I start making the bed. The one you were supposed to copulate on. I like whistly look at the bed thinking about how I could have fucked that dragon and should have fallen in love with me. But I start making the bed.

You start making the bed, and the dragon does not like this at all. It's too much order. Let's die. Yeah. Matt? Keep sweeping. You sweep a pile of, I don't know, Teowannic comic books into the ocean. You sweep a pile of fucking jewel containers.

Jewels. Rare jewels. Mango, the rarest jewel. A pile of erotic gasoline alleys crumpled up. One more time. I say it gets to attack you, Matt. Matt, you can make a dodge roll. Bam.

Matt, lose five points of strength. That was a grown man. It saps your masculine energy. But the thing is, clearly, it's death roads. I'd like to, of what little is left on the island, I'd like to start organizing it. Oh, God. All right. Yeah.

Matt, you start taking a series of racist dolls and then putting them in order in terms of skin trouble. I'm ranking the gollywogs on a spectrum from lightest to darkest, and then I'm taking all of the old cutouts of the yellow kid and arranging them by date. The island is now spick and span. The bed is perfect. The racist figurines all set in perfect order, and the chaos dragon disappears at a point of light.

You hear the bubbling, boiling sounds. The purple water surrounding the island grow angry, and then they rise up, taking you with them. They shoot up like geysers. You travel again for several minutes, now upwards, up. Yo, doing the Charleston? RIP just killed the clock. We're being caught on a geyser, a geyser of Goop, a Goop geyser.

Yeah, you're being shot up with a Goop geyser. The purple geyser deposits you in the central chamber of the pyramid. Here you see the following. One, the center of the chamber is a golden sarcophagus. You can't make out the face on it. There are three thrones in the back of the chamber. Now what? Let's sit on the thrones, and if we're right for the thrones, the sarcophagus will open.

That's what my dad always told me. You walk towards the thrones, Professor Hackenbush, you see it first. On one of the thrones appears your sister. She's beautiful. She's wearing her wedding dress. She looks every bit as pure as the day she died. She holds out a jewel pod, by which I mean a catering, a case that contains a jewel. In this case, a wedding ring, and says, there's one for you, dear brother, come, be with me.

Forget this life. Be with me in eternity. Durisonia, there's nothing that would give me sweeter bliss than surrender to the Elysium of your embrace for the eternity and the evermore and the everlasting, nothingness. But I have too much to do and too much to conquer in this life. Brother, make me so sad. Sonia. That's all I've ever wanted.

It's not you, it's me is really what I'm trying to say here, in that I'm still alive and you're not. But it wasn't your fault. So, it's sort of a lifestyle problem that, you know, brother, it wasn't your fault. That triangle shirt waist unpleasantness wasn't your fault. Well, you know, I mean, I've learned about playing with those Chinese firecrackers. Let's put it that way. Mr. Penny Farthing, on the second throne, materializes a man, but he's a hybrid, man

and goat, an awful, disgusting creature with the genitals of the goat, but the torso in the face of a man. His testes are so large and so perfectly round, huge, swollen. On a pan flu, the creature plays the sweetest song and you know, this is your utopian ideal. Oh, keep going. It says... I'm almost there. I'm almost there.

Hello, Father. Keep going, keep going. Are we home now? Doop-de-doop. Woo-hoo-hoo. Yes, yes, yes. Keep going. Keep describing.

Yes, yes. I'm almost there. Father, stay... Oh, God, yes. Stay here with me. Yes, yes. Oh, God. Together.

Oh, God, yes. Oh, God, yes. What do you do? I'm not. Yeah. If I recall correctly... Well, if I recall correctly from your self-experimentation, you've lost the ability to ejaculate. No, I can still not.

I'm not all over the place. If you insist. Yeah. Oh. Uh, this creature still beckons you. Father, come to me. Okay. Be with me.

Yeah. Let's do it. The current orientation's will is standoffish. Uh, Dr. Penny Farthing is moving towards his beloved Felix. Mm-hmm. Lieutenant Cumtree. Yes. Uh, you see these two guys get their greatest desire.

So, you look presumably at the third throw and you're like, alright, where's my thing? Yeah, hit me with your best shot. You know what it is? Hit me. Their greatest desire. Materializes President Calvin Coolidge. In front of him is a luncheon set out on a table, sandwiches on toothpicks, potato salad, a tea kettle.

The President says, ah, Lieutenant Cumtree, how about you sit down to lunch with me, the President? This has been what every, been the reason I've done everything. I just wanted to have a delightful picnic lunch with Calvin Coolidge. Everyone that knows anything about me knows that it's the only thing I actually want. All the lying. All the, all the spoken word poetry. Your greatest desire.

All the lying. It's your greatest desire. Literally the only. It's lunch with the President. Yeah. It's all I want. What do you do? I would love to go beast on those sandwiches with you, Mr. President Calvin Coolidge.

You're a god, sir. Come now. All right. Come. Come closer. I am. Come be with me. Yeah, I am.

Please. I'm fucking doing it. Will, how do you feel about all this? I'm going to say, guys, you haven't imbibed Dr. Peterman's lessons closely enough. I think this is a, this test is about self-discipline and self-denial. It's literally like right there. I'm going to look like an asshole. Like he brought out this fresh potato salad.

But by denying your greatest desire is how we become our greatest selves. Felix, the President says, please, there isn't much time. I have to go sign the Dawes Treaty into law. Do you hear that? The fucking lunch clock is ticking, you know? I want you to tell me your stories of serving in all the European battlegrounds. Oh my god, I have so many. And you know I don't talk very much, so I'll mostly listen, sir.

Yeah, they call you Silent Calvin Coolidge. That's your name. Here's what happens. Dr. Penny Farthing and Lieutenant Cumtree, you both embrace your greatest desire. And, uh, guess what? Oh shit, it was fucking hologram. It's actually a fucking horrible monster. God damn it!

Fucking lag again. Professor Haggabush, yours just disappears. Well done. In there, done that. He's, I'm gone. The one that got away. In any event, uh, well, here's a straight fucking combat round. Uh, Will, you can go first.

Uh, uh, uh, Penny Farthing and Cumtree both facing pretty much identical creature. Oh wait, actually, everyone takes a sanity roll for seeing that. I'll say Will doesn't have to take one. Thank Christ. Oh, I failed mine. Fail the shit out of me. Oh, strong pass. You got a pass?

I failed. Strong pass, dude. Roll one sanity, you're rattled, but you keep it together. Matt, roll. Still the highest sanity. Matt, roll 1v6 and tell me what it is. Six. Six.

Lose six sanity points. Wow. How many? You're down to 12? Yes. Y'all MFs should be in the soup, because you're crackers. Uh, that's good for both a temporary insanity and a, uh, fucking permanent sanity. Uh...

Damn, sucks. Uh, you have a bout of badness. Oh no. Oh, it's a good one for you. Matt, a red mist descends on you. You explode in a spree of uncontrolled violence and corruption. Good for you. Uh, now you're basically an NPC, like the, uh, famous memes and harpers.

Uh, and you, I'll, I'll be nice and say that you just attack your antagonist here. Uh, but I will say you've also come out of this with a permanent, uh, depilitating fear. Uh, roll a D100 for me. 18. Ballistophobia, wonderful. Ballistophobia, you're afraid of bullets and missiles. Who isn't? What the fuck?

Yeah. Everyone's afraid of bullets. Oh, bullets. More of those. Give me, please, I'd like to jump in front of all of them. Okay, uh, combat round. Uh, Will, you can go first. Uh, you see Professor Hackenbush, uh, terrified now in front of this, uh...

By the way, the creature is like a grotesque, tumor-type thing. It doesn't look super powerful, but it's awful. It's terrifying. Uh, you can keep it together. Uh, same thing fighting Felix. Uh, I presume you want to help, uh, Dr. Penny Farthing. Because he seems to be able to, you know, defend himself and he's nude. He's in a bad way.

Well, we're all nude, but, you know... Well, you're all nude. And loving it. And you're thinking this might be the future, just being free at all times. I will, I will brawl. Pass. Fail. Four.

Uh, do your, uh, hand-to-hand, uh, unarmed, uh, brawl, uh, dammit. I think it's 1D3. 1D3? Okay, yeah, nah, yeah, okay, there you go, dude. You're right, I'm sorry Felix. Yeah, suck my fucking dick everybody who's listening to this. Two. Felix?

Uh, you just saw that the thing, the present Calvin Coolidge has become a monster. What do you want to do? I don't have, I don't have anything but brawl, like whatever. Well, I mean, that's what it is. Brawl, you know. Okay, I'll roll for that. I'll roll for that. Yeah, I'll say it right.

Classic punches that we love to see. I'll say it, uh, does a fight back. All right, 25 on 80. Uh, ooh, it fails. Uh, do your, 25 is hard success, so... Uh, I don't know, what's your damage on that? Five. Now it gets a turn, uh, it attacks you back, Felix.

I'm gonna go for dodge. Uh, it passes, barely. Whatever it is, I passed and I rolled the fucking zero. Yeah. Matt, uh, the creature attacks you as well. Do you dodge or fight back? Oh god. Okay.

Uh... Yeah, uh, Matt, what's the roll? I failed, barely, but I failed. It failed as well, so you managed to dodge out of the way. Uh, and Matt, you have a combat round now. All right, I'm gonna try to fuck this guy up with my sword cane. Let's go. You don't have a sword cane because you're new to...

I'll fuck him up with my pathetic old man arms. Okay, flop your cock at him. I'll say it dodges. Fighting is 29. I failed. Okay. Uh, it dodges out of the way successfully. Next combat round.

Will, uh, you're still fighting the one against Dr. Hackenbush. Didn't I do some damage already? You did some damage already. It's still a fucking undulating, disgusting monster. Well, I'm gonna try to attack it again. All right, do it. Uh, I'm gonna say it fights back. Mmm...

I failed that. Take two hit points of damage. Felix, you're up now. Time to punch this fucking dragon, boys. Let's go. Okay, I'll say it fights back. Pass. Ooh, that's a fail.

Take three hit points of damage, Felix. Uh, now it attacks you. Do you fight back or dodge? I'm gonna try to attack it again. I like my odds. Okay. Uh, you roll the roll on your fighting brawl skills. That's a pass.

42. Fail. Uh, what's, uh, roll damage? Five. Five damage altogether. Five total? All right. Uh, yeah.

You wail on it so fucking hard that it's pretty much obliterated. That's what you get for pretending to be Calvin Coolidge. You cock sucker. Fuck you. Matt, uh, I'll say because you're still going through the throws of temporary insanity. You fight back. Yes. Uh, so roll under your fighting brawl against this awful fucking villain from the under dark.

Failed. Three hit points of damage. Dr. Hackenbush, I have a great line for when we record again. Uh, when we talk about, uh, Dr. Penny Farthing being temporary insane, we were like, yeah, he almost voted for William Jennings Bryant. Fucking roasted. Uh, Dr. Penny Farthing, it's your turn since you're still insane. You attack it.

Uh, roll your, uh, brawl against its brawl. It's going to brawl back. It fails? You pass? Uh, yes, I pass. You pass? Yes. Put a check on fighting brawl.

One hit point of damage there. So, uh, Dr. Penny Farthing, you're still, uh, fighting against a snarling awful beast. I think it's back to the first combat round. Uh, Will and Felix, you can come help out your comrade. Happy to. Will, you're first up. You want to do some punch ratings? Yep.

Punch to kick. Punch. I'll say the creature dodges because it doesn't know you. Pass on dodge. Oh, that's a, that's a pass, buddy. How good of a pass? That's an eight on 25. Uh, what, yeah, we'll put a check on that if you haven't already.

Uh, roll damage. Uh, four. Four damage? Marvel. Felix? Four. Fucking hard pass, dude. All right.

Roll the damage. Holy shit. Six. Five. You destroy the awful creatures, you resist. Well, one of you resisted the ultimate temptation of your lives. Uh, you're now in an empty chamber. There are three thrones and a sarcophagus.

What do you want to do? Crack open that sarcophagus and look at that pharaoh. Oh, but there's some food porn in there. Someone shaft that up. The sarcophagus pops open. Inside is a bunch of rubies. Red rubies. Listening, beautiful.

I'd say fill our pockets. We're going to have to fill the other pocket if you know what I'm saying to get out of this one. I bite one of the rubies to see if it's real. It instantly cracks my tooth and it starts bleeding. I don't get it examined for 10 years and then I die because this is the 20th. I'm going to start stuffing those rubies in my Boy Scout pouch. We were naked.

Oh, is that your asshole? Yeah. Okay. I put some in my asshole too. Matt's in the bathroom. I put some rubies in his asshole. Again, the head of Peter Min appears. Any size?

Oh, boys. I can't believe it. You've done it. None of my acolytes ever been able to solve these riddles. How did you do it? Keeping a clear head. Not checking off. Clear head, full heart.

Betting on the bobtail neck. Let's go. Let's go. Dude spit. Two dots, two days. Yeah, dude. Oh my God. The disembodied head says to you, kings, emperors, hopes, now take your places.

You're rightful places. You've unseated your fathers and you're the new father. Take your place. It kind of like looks over to the thrones. Damn, I became my own dad. I'm going to park my boy pouch right on that throne. Yeah, let's get on there. The three of you sit on the thrones and necklaces materialize on you.

Inside in the center of the white crystals, big white crystal necklaces. Peter Min says, these crystals will defend you against the forces of chaos, but only if they're charged through your conservation of your masculine energies. And these rubies, these red rubies will enable you to see the world as it really is. Isn't that good? You like that? That's what we got here, okay? I cannot.

You understand that? I can't think of anything more splendid than to truly see and know the world as it is and to have sort of a good number of valuable gemstones in my asshole. It's one of the most important things. You can just carry them. No, no. These are valuable gemstones, okay? You can carry your fucking precious gems, alright buddy?

I wasn't in the Boy Scouts for nothing, I'm no fool. They might... You're supposed to digest them. They might be gross. Alright, you know what you... This guy's a professor. What the fuck? What a fucking idiot.

You do you. You're stupid. You do you, but I've done all I can to help you. It's up to you now. Wow. Alright? It always has been. It always has been up to me.

Once again. Once again. Fate of the World is trusted on humble, ironic radio show hosts. Well, guys... Amateur vaudevillians, because that's what politics is. Listening to a vaudeville radio program and identifying with it spiritually and emotionally. That's what it means to do politics and it's well getting mad about these radio programs when they see something you don't like.

Well, guys, you know, I think he's right. It's like, we got naked. We defeated our fathers. We almost got fooled to having a false picnic lunch with Calvin Coolidge. We overcame it. And now we're kings. We've got assholes full of rubies. Luke, did I come to reduce still?

Is that still your greatest goal to have lunch with the president? 100%. Okay, cool. I've never mentioned it in any of our previous episodes until now. But yeah, no, that has always been the unstated motive for my character. Though, I would have to say, Professor Hackenbush, you're free now of your compulsion towards your dead sister. Now I can finally... Now I can really start living.

Yo, last year was practice. Yo, yo, yo, last sibling, that was practice stuff. I'm gonna get a new sibling, though, and that has to play off. Y'all will bust her down. Awesome. You awaken together in a big bed. Dawn peeks out through the tops of redwoods outside your window. You are all wearing the white crystal pendants you had on in your dream.

The red rubies you pilfered from the sarcophagus are also with you. Any injuries, sanity, stat losses you suffered also continue to impact you. On the nightside table beside you are pieces of decomposing meat. Delicious. Wonderful. Two enters the room with a tray of glasses filled with a brown liquid. He looks shocked to see you. Have you done it?

Have you sorted yourself out? We sure have. 100%. Two puts down the tray and rushes over to you. He takes one of your crystals in both hands. By the father. These came from the void? Pure genuine void crystal.

You know it. I'll cover it in crystals. My watch. Void crystal. Necklace. Void crystal. He's got drip. Drip drip.

Cuff links. Void crystal. Oh, the memory of your conquest will not soon be forgotten, Capone boys. Your victory came not a moment too soon. Dr. Peterman passed away from the poison last night. You've been in the void for four days. We must leave now for Nevada if we are to fulfill Dr. Peterman's final wish and stop Musk's rockets.

Launches tonight. Get your things ready, and gentlemen, tidy up a bit here, okay? All right, guys, let's sing a song while we make this bed. You look at your bedsheets and you've been shitting and pissing yourselves for several days now. All right, guys, we got to do what you do when you shit and piss on your bedsheet. Turn that sheet over. Let's go, boys. Oh, when I'm in the middle of the night, I like to leak.

But when someone comes in my room and has a peek, they see brown and yellow. Oh, I'd hate to be that fellow. Let's turn over the sheet. Let's turn over the sheet. Oh, it's a good opportunity as you get ready to go over what sort of inventory you have now, adding the new artifacts you've acquired. All right, I'm naked. I got plus seven diarrhea, and I've got tons of sharp jewels up my asshole.

And we have our emulets as well. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And we're all plugged up with rubies. They call me the plug. I'll say that you have 18 rubies. Damn, that's like half the way to 100. I'll say, I'll say, I'll say fewer. I'll roll all three, actually.

16 rubies. OK. All right, that's manageable. I was going to say 18 is like ridiculous. I'm going to have it up your ass, but 16 is actually OK. Why are they up your ass? Where else are you going to put them? Yeah, we were naked in the fucking...

Yeah, but you're back. Well, it's called the Boy Scouts Pocket. That's the first thing you learn. When you're back in this reality, you have clothes and bags. There were no pockets in 1923 or whatever. There was a lot of sticky fingers around. That's all I'm saying. Places to carry your artifacts from another dimension.

I don't know. It seems like we're pretty kitted up. I think we're ready to go to the desert. Yeah, this is a great loadout. You walk down the stairs to the foyer of the Walt Garden where Peterman's body lies in a sarcophagus surrounded by dozens and dozens mourning young men. Pay your respects.

I press F. Press F. Wow. Two takes you to a Chrysler B70 just outside in the driveway. You sit in the back. He's in the front with a driver. Behind you, four acolytes pile into the truck that brought you to the Walt Garden. You set off east towards Nevada.

It's going to be a while. What do you want to do? All right, I say to the driver, so how long have you been driving for a recently deceased psychologist mystic? He starts crying, thinking that his inspiration, his hero's leader, Dr. Peterman, has just passed away. Wounds are still raw, but he's still ably driving doing his task. Well, you get to choose your own hours, but that's nice.

I'd like to talk to you. I'd like to ask you what's really going on here with Peterman? You know, we conquered the void, you know, why is Peterman so invested in this rocket? Was so invested. Well, you know, he lives on in all of us. Indeed he does, because I'm sure as he told you, this Chadwick figure is the same figure that he's met many times in the void. Ah.

Being of chaos. Right. And he's having to fulfill some sort of nefarious plot, but we don't know exactly what the plot is. I guess as the rocket will be used to open some sort of gate into the chaos void realm and bring the chaos dragon and sort of feminine energy into our masculine world. Folks, I think we are in danger of being bimbified. Two shivers at the thought of this.

I think we should, in this long car ride, actually also take some time to maybe heal our battered bodies and maybe try to regain some of the sanity that we've lost over the course of this investigation. Yes. I don't know what you guys are talking about. Well, I know what keeps me sane in tough times. I'm passing out to everybody trade paperback copies of Garfield. Ooh.

That should get everybody nice and sane. Awesome. Wholesome fun time. Well, what's Garfield, by the way? Yeah, what the fuck? Yeah, what the fuck? President John Garfield. Oh, the president hates Mondays.

Yeah, okay. I will say that the strength losses that you suffered in the void, those are permanent, but Dr. Penny Farthing's medical skill can, over the course of this car ride, heal some of the wounds. Oh, that's right. I'm a doctor. Let me use some of my medicine. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Let me use my medical training. It's not just about giving people go testicles. In this year, it's so hard to become a doctor. Like, you have to be the best giving guys maths and all the other stuff the doctor is doing. In 1923. Dude, I don't know how you did a year of school. Yeah. That's so much stuff.

That's so much book learning. I learned so much. And it was, as I stress, not just about putting go testicles in the male scrotum, but I must say, that's going to be part of it, just so everyone knows. Matt, what's your- Do you know how cool with that? Dude, wait. I mean, I'm not going to have balls much longer if you feel me.

We're all going to have juicy ass pussies. Matt, what's your medicine skill? 71. 71. Okay. Why don't you roll it on Felix? Oh, no. I failed it.

No. Oh, you gave me a bath for nothing. Matt. I shouldn't have given me the ether before either of you. Matt, Matt, your intervention on Felix fails, but there is a mechanic. You can push the roll, which is to re-roll it, but it raises the stakes. You have to have a justification for doing it, such as you're trying a different, more experimental treatment. And you also have to agree with me on there being a downside for that.

Okay. So are you a gambling man? No, I'm willing to do it. The odds of me failing it again are very low. Okay, so then what would the additional treatment be? Perhaps one of your- I tried to go testicles, and that seems not to have worked. Maybe-

Well, I like to think your first intervention was just normal first aid type things, and that this would be, all right, let's break out the scalpel and, you know, let's really go nuts on it. I did give them the go testicles. That's not negotiable. That's the first aid. You talked about first aid. First aid is- I think we should try a whiskey enema now. But I think I have a jar of Caspian sea leeches.

I could just slap them across their backs and just get some of that bad blood out of them. Oh yeah, people are saying those are the best leeches. And should you fail the roll, how would that treatment go badly? And what would the negative consequence on Felix be? I'd get the goo on me. He would lose, like, a health thing? Yeah, it would lose one bar of health. Well, I think you would lose a lot of blood.

You don't need that. I would say that Felix permanently would lose five strength points. Oh, fuck you, fine, let's do it. All right, roll it out. Oh, I failed again! You're the worst roller I have ever seen in my fucking life. How do you roll an 88? Oh my god, I failed it!

Lou, that ain't country I've ever seen. Lou, raise your strength, subtract five from it. This sucks, bro. It's 70 strength, it's okay. It's just RNG, Matt, it's RNG. Doctor Penny Farley, not again! I am never letting you give me a bath again. Hey, hey, hey, hey there, you think you should get some new leeches?

Doctor Benny Farley, why don't you treat yourself now? Okay, I'll try. He's gonna get like a 22 on this. I failed! 97! 97! I'd like to opt out of this medical treatment. You can't get any worse.

You're at full health, Will, so you're fine. Doctor Penny, do you want to push the roll on yourself? Do it, do it, do it, I'm doing it. I'm fucking second time's a charm. Roll it out. As Professor Hagenbach looks on in terror, you administer the same failed treatment to yourself. Pass! Pass! Pass!

Big pass, 27! PogChamp. Uh, regain two hit points, Matt. Yes! So that puts you at what? Seven. Seven now, good. Alright, I'm at seven HP too.

There are no heals in this game, it sucks. Oh no, it's a very punishing game. You drive east all through the morning, passing through forests, mountain valleys, gorgeous natural vistas, untainted by industry. Any contemplations, ruminations? I really wish there was some industry here. Yeah, I can relate to the industry.

The hostile, sort of violent, alien, starkness of nature fills me with revulsion. This should all be fucking smokestacks. Not long after noon, you're in the scrubland of northern Nevada, and then desert, utter nothingness. This is beautiful. It is mid-to-late afternoon, you're driving over a flat and cracked landscape.

The only landmarks you see are low, dark rock formations in the distance, presumably the black rock desert. There are vehicle tracks around you. Soon, you'll not be alone. And not in the far distance, you can see the outline of a tall structure, still quite far away. As your vehicle gets closer, you can make out tents surrounded,

and then a massive throng of people surrounding it. The crowd seems to be tens of thousands large, perhaps a hundred thousand, which would make it the largest city on Earth. This must be Holocaust Lad, the largest city in human history. There are millions of people in the 20s. The largest city in 1925 was New York City,

which had 17,000 people. Well, I'm not going to argue with that. The stats to back it up. I guess I forgot. Do you remember global population in 1925 was 500,000 people? It's amazing how much people fucked after World War II. That was a baby boom, baby.

That was a real baby boom. Your vehicle slows when you reach the edge of the crowd, and you get your first look at the revelers. They're filthy, covered in mud and grime. But they aren't... I want to eat it. But they are in hobos. These aren't ragamuffins.

They seem like proper Caucasians. Just freed of their natural inhibitions, cavorting most shamelessly unmarried young ladies doing the Charleston with shirtless lads who aren't their father. This makes me so pissed. I would love to give these people some inhibition. Some of them are covered in paint.

Others are dressed like red Indians. Savage. The car stops. The two tells you it's too crowded. We must continue on foot. Sundown is approaching. From here, you're about two miles out from the structure in the center of this throg.

It is a massive metal tower, a latticework that is conically shaped, but with a bulbous head. Something like a hemisphere with its flat side down. Two massive support beams on either side of the tower indeed make it look like a person. The holocaust lad. In the center of the structure is the tacky on rocket

that you saw in the laboratory. There are tents, and what appears to be a makeshift stage near the tower, but tens of thousands of revelers separate you from there. It's just like, everyone's dirty. None of these women probably got permissions from their dad to dance to be shirtless guys.

This is just, this is a yikes for me, guys. I am excited to see the St. Louis Blues perform a little bit later on stage D. Oh, what is their hit in this year, 1925? It's A Sunny Boy by Al Jolson. Oh, that's a fucking bop. Or maybe Swanee by Al Jolson. That slaps.

Or maybe Manny also by Al Jolson. That's a banger, dude. Okay, so you're out of the car. What do you want to do? I think we should head straight to the rocker. Yeah, we gotta go to the rocker. Revelers are drinking alcohol, brazen, out in the open. My God.

Many of them are imbibing the frothy white fluid from Pachyon's cafeteria. Oh my God, this takes place during prohibition. You periodically pass merchants hawking overpriced jugs of water and horrible bracelets. Oh, I don't like those. Not to my taste at all.

The men are shirtless. Some of them are nude. This is cultural degeneracy. But the women are in a scandalous state of undress. A word? Everywhere you turn, there are ankles exposed. No shit? Bare shoulders.

Oh, fuck. Hair in the carnal down style. This is disgusting. Wow, I'm actually quite... Yeah, this is awful. No, actually, I'm actually thrilled because thanks to the void, I was able to overcome my incestuous obsession

with my dead sister. And now I feel I'm free, I'm single, and I'm ready to just... I'm ready to wait here until the void opens up and then I get turned into a hot sexy lady and they get turned into studs and then they all gangbang me. Yeah, these women are so lucky I'm not a bimbo yet.

I'd be so much hotter than them. You find yourself getting quite aroused. Your eyes dart over to the portable outhouses a hundred yards from you. Perhaps you have some time to take care of yourself. Well, you know, always good to, you know, do your business before you do any real business. That's true.

Like I always say, due to all the morphine I've been injecting myself, I haven't actually had a bowel movement in almost three weeks now, but I think I'd like to give it a shot. It's always good to relieve one's carnal urges before a feast of flesh. You feel your chest get warm.

Touch the amulets upon them and they are warm. Oh, man. Oh, wait a second. They're warm. Are they getting warmer as we go in the direction of the portagons? They're getting warmer the more you contemplate

this back and alley. Oh, can we... More near. The more they heat up. Can we use these... Dr. Peterman told us that the rubies would show the world as it really is. Can we like maybe pop one of those

out of the old Boy Scout pouch and like maybe look through it or use it in some way or just check on it to sort of peel back this veil? Sure. You take them out. These are very small red gems. Looking through them, you don't see anything out of the ordinary.

It's not really like a prism or something you would look... Okay, but how do... I mean, I just... I was told that these would reveal something about the world around us and it just seems like they're a bunch of regular jewels.

Let's just go. I want to go to the thing. I don't have to shoot. Whatever. Let's go. Felix? Yeah, if I got a shitted just coming down my leg, let's do this. And Will?

Ah, fuck it. I'll go with them. Three of you make willpower rolls. Hell yeah. Hard pass. Failed. I failed as well. Here's what happens. Will, you have the willpower to sally forth, but your compatriots don't.

They make a beeline for the portable outhouses. Do hopefully wait in line. Then go inside to take care of themselves. Feels, you know, feels pretty good, you know. But when you emerge, Felix and Matt, your crystals, your amulets are ice cold. Oh, god. Masculine energy.

That's what we've been trying to preserve. That's what we need to use to stop the rocket. Our nuts. Oh, no. How are we going to replenish our nut in the time we have? You both walk out of there in a kind of daze and you think to yourself, God, I kind of want to order food from the service

that where a bicyclist comes to your home and provides you with grub and then I want to just settle in and play jacks for nine hours straight. That sounds great. Yeah, I'd love to do that. Fellows, we have embarked upon this mission together. Don't let your indolence and self-abuse

sap your will to your Capone boys. We're here for a mission. Oh, my god, dude. Wait, is there any snake around here? I need to get these guys CCs of red meat, stat. Oh, sure. There's one of the merchants selling, you know, meat, kebabs.

Yeah, go do your bullshit, dude. I'm literally missing the fucking jacks update. They need to have some meat to get their masculine essence back. They need two steaks, two big porterhouse steaks. Dude, you can put this on the company silver standard. You dine on some steaks to get your energy back up, but the sun is starting to go down.

People are starting to assemble by the stage by the rocket platform, but you're getting closer. You get closer to what you see in that hemisphere above it. There are men up there, engineers tacky on laboratories, presumably making final adjustments, things of that nature. So as you've been walking around, the women in various states have undressed men, fully nude, which is very normal for men, of course.

One thing you realize is that most of these men they have the same slack draw that you saw from the scientists and engineers, same patchy beards. These are very much so San Franciscans. People from the Bay Area. It's twilight now when you reach what can generously be called an amphitheater area.

It's like Shakespeare in the park type situation, right? It's a lot of people sitting on picnic blankets, you know. A lot of people just being as well, but they're all focused on a stage that's in front of them. They're all waiting for performance. Behind the stage, ringed around the Holocaust Lad apparatus is basically a series of interconnected tents.

Think like a ring of tents. They bear the tacky on laboratories logo. Presumably that's where the heavies are. There's also just a ton of armed guards all around. Let's split up and investigate these tents. See what's going on inside. Yeah, let's get tempted up. I want to remind you that you have VIP passes.

Excellent. Beyond the backstage area, there are three tents of notes. You'll each pick one of them. I'll roll dice to determine which one you each get. We'll start with feelings. Now, I want to note this, since you're splitting up, none of you know what the others are doing. You can just disregard that.

Felix, you reach a tent and flash your ID badge. The two guards nod and they let you in. This is your old pal Charles Lindbergh's tent. It's very nice. It's like a posh dressing room, basically. He's standing on this small pedestal being fitted into an astrosuit of some kind. It looks like one of those old-timey diving suits.

So Lindbergh is going in the rocket. Yes, that was established in the first tent. All right, well, maybe I forgot. We've done three of these over the course of a month. They all take seven hours and are reported at 9 p.m. for some reason. I'm going to forget some things. The thing that you've asked me for a year to do again. It's all about timing, dude.

All right, let's go. Let's go. Let's figure this rocket shit out. Okay, he's basically doing, like, last-second adjustments to his space suit. There are two engineers from Tagian Laboratories fitting him, taking his vitals, things of that nature. He sees you and hails you over.

Ah, Lieutenant, good to see you. Come to see me off, huh? Yeah. Before you go on that big rocket, just wanted to give you a classic hello. Come closer. I would love to come closer to you. I'm going to do it.

I move my legs to come closer to my friend Charles Lindbergh, the pilot, and soon to be Spaceman. He waves away the two Tagian Laboratories scientists to indicate that we have some privacy here. Now, have you gone to the bottom of all this? You know, I just mind my business, honestly. What? Yeah, you know, I'm not like everyone in this fucking tent,

they remind me of fucking pigeons, just going around crumbs of bread and shit. We'll mind their fucking business. Y'all say that I don't have a fucking problem. It's them. They just remind me they're fucking hungry. They want to get up and everyone else is shit, not me, dude. I just do my shit.

Y'all want to call me the fucking drug addict? I'm not. Have you found out who sabotaged the rocket? It wouldn't surprise me it was one of these fucking people because they're always in somebody's fucking business telling them, you know, like, oh, you can't go on the rocket because blah, blah, blah. Y'all need to work on your fucking selves.

I'm sorry, I don't, did you find out or not? No, I didn't even come close. I didn't even really try, though, honestly. Aren't you glad you sent Felix into the tent? It might be easier for the three of you to crawl through each tent together. If you want to revise your original plan. No, I think I'm getting somewhere.

I think I'm getting somewhere. I'm laying a verbal trap for him. He's not your enemy. Yeah, he is. He's your only ally in this. He's literally going in the rocket. He is part of the problem. Anyway, yeah, I like to mind my business,

but I think that thought that Harlot over there, she, uh, recycling that one, we think she fucked up the rocket. Slimes? Yeah. She's here. She's going out.

She's going to perform any minute now. Yeah, people are fake as fuck. What's new? So it's this one's going to explode as well. Yeah, yeah, no, these hoses will kill you. So what did she do? I don't know. I don't know how the fuck she did it.

I don't know how rockets works. I don't know how you'd break one, but you know, she did some fucking, did some of that magic. Lieutenant, you're a dear friend of mine. I am. As you know, listening to your radio program

means that I am your friend. Exactly, exactly. You're like, actually, I'm a better friend to you than like anyone you know in your real life. So tell me now, if I should not go into that rocket. You absolutely should not.

All right. Well, that settles it. We have to go see Enoch. We got to tell him. When your friend is dating a girl and she's like performing dark incantations and she's from another world and she wants to kill your friend with your rocket.

But it's not good. You got to tell him. He strides out of that tent and you follow. We will go to Matt now. You go to the backstage area. You got an all access pass. Oh yeah, I'm accessing everything. Backing that access up.

Okay. You see whatever the 20s equivalent of roadies are. The port is moving around. Auditory devices. An orchestra tuning up their instruments. Various make up and set people. It's like the backstage of a play production. Overture down the lights.

This is it. The night of night. That one? Yeah, sure. Cool. Is there anyone I can talk to or find out what's going on back here? Sure.

Walter Mathau is there. He's speaking to a young journalist. Say, so what's going to happen? What's the exact procedure for this launch? Glad you're here. Come backstage to see the magic happen. Well, it's all scheduled down to the second. Enoch is going to come out.

He's going to introduce Charles. He's going to show the people the first Astro Man. Then Charles is going to go up into the Holocaust Lad into the rocket where he will be piloting it. And then Slimes will come on and she will perform a concert for everyone. The music that has taught people that it's okay to be sad and it's okay to be a woman.

And then after her big finale, the rocket will go off into space and then land right back down a few miles away from here in the desert. Okay. Is there going to be anything loaded into the rocket besides Lindbergh? Has that yet happened yet? Is it already in there?

No, no, no. There are no Slavic children necessary in this rocket. We've conducted all the tests that we need. All right. Unless there's somebody else who looks like they might have different information, I guess that's it. There are sub areas inside this tent. In one, you see makeup wardrobe people coming in and out.

Also heavily guarded this area. That certainly makes it a place that I'd like to check out, but it might be difficult. Might be able to sidle in there if you're curious. If not, that's okay. Nothing's necessary to do. I'd like to peek in there if I can. Make a...

You know what? Make a stealth roll. Ooh. Barely, barely, barely, but I'm off. I missed it. I have a 20 and it's 28. Still a miss, but I'll say you at least snatch a glance in there, even though you don't really work up the courage to sneak in through the front.

The flap that you find is too small, but you see her slimes. She's sitting in a makeup chair, you know, hair done up in curlers, that sort of thing, her purple hair done up in curlers, barking orders at the various people all around her, very sycophants who are doing up her face, things like that, very, very much so a diva. Ugh, the worst. What do you think about her?

Just a thumbs down from me, fam. Not a fan of Miss Slimes, of her music, or of her temperament, or of her desire to destroy Earth. Well, I guess I can't do anything else around there, so unless there's another spot in the tent that is separate or noteworthy, I guess I'll leave. Okay, we'll stop, we'll pause there and we'll go to Will. Uh, now Will.

Yes. Here's the tent that you had to. You, uh, walk up there and, like, you're gonna waltz in, like, yeah, this is normal for me, wearing your badge. Uh, the guards out front and say, it's off limits. I mean, I'm, I have a VIP pass. I don't know what you think I'm entitled or not entitled to, but I'm entitled to all.

It says you're on the badge. Who are you? I mean, do you know who I am? No. I do a radio show that's almost as popular as The Happiness Boys. Is Mr. Musk expecting you? Yes, of course. I just interviewed Enoch Musk for my radio program,

which, again, I stress is almost as popular as, um, the General Motors Good Time Tire Hour. One of the guys goes inside, uh, they look at each other, and one of the guys goes inside, he comes out, nods for you to come in. Uh, this is Enoch's tent. It's messy, really messy. There's discarded food wrappers, cartons everywhere.

Uh, one of those balled up tissues that you saw in his bedroom at the Tachyon Industries Lab. This hoe needs to enter the blind. Uh, Enoch is, uh, his back is turned to you. He's playing hoop and stick. Hoop, stick, hoop, stick. Uh-oh, stick, hoop, uh. Uh, see, the hoop got my stick.

Enoch, how's it going? Oh, hey! Hey! You came to hang out with me, Mr. Capone. That's super cool. You want next? Yeah, I mean, I've come to hang out with you, but also to, uh, express my, uh, slight reservations about this whole rocket launch and your relationship with, uh, Grimes.

I mean, I don't want to talk out of turn here or anything, but, you know, Brethren over, uh, Heatherin, as I always say. And, uh, you know, after I got done with your interview, I did wind up basically watching your girlfriend, uh, you know, in a sexual congress with another man and to be more specific, the Chadwick guy. So I'm just, I guess I'm wondering, you know, what's going on here. It looks at you with a thousand-yard stare.

Brief silence. Chadwick would never do something of that nature. He's, uh, he's my friend. He isn't a carnal man. And neither is Slimes, of course. She is a woman of fidelity, a woman of integrity. She gets very little pleasure from physical interactions, as far as I can tell.

My sweet little wooting puddle of undistilled awesome brew, my fiancé, uh, she would never, she would never. If you want to make a harlot a housewife, uh, that's... She is not a harlot. What's your tongue, professor? You know, if I had three hours to take a photograph of them, you know, doing the deed, I would have,

but I'm telling you here, you know, as your friend or as a guy who's known you for a few days, um, you know, uh, she's no good. She's bad. Bad news. Are you saying you watched them do the deed? Yeah. You watched them, physically. Well, I mean, what else was I supposed to do?

When? When? When? When? I told you after our interview, attacking on laboratories, I walked in on them, they were doing the beast with two backs. I find this all very fanciful, and frankly, I am not sure why you are trying to spread this calumni about my precious doodle pie. I'm not spreading it. If I was spreading it, I would talk about it on my radio show.

I'm telling you specifically to save you embarrassment. Why would you do such a thing? These, these harlots ain't loyal, dude. What do you want me to tell you? God, fucking thick. Jesus Christ. What about my rocket? I don't think the rocket line...

I don't think you should go through with the rocket line. It's happening. You don't understand. This is the apex of my career. This is going to give me everything I have ever dreamed of. Unimaginable wealth. The esteem of my peers. A face-to-face meeting with God who lives in space. I will get my Zanadu.

I will get my Kuchi. Inic, of what of those things don't you already have? You know, what can't you do, Inic? Who do you think you are? Someone on National Barn Dance Radio? The National Farm and Home Hour? He puts his... I'm trying to speak some real facts to you right now.

He puts his hand to his temple, looks at you and says... You have it so easy, don't you? We can't all be lackadaisical, sewer socialist, radiola hosts. We can't all be carefree alpha males, such as yourself. I mean, being an alpha is a burden. It's true, but it's my cross to bear, and I shall bear it, sir. I'm just telling you, there's something fishy going on with this whole rocket thing, and with grimes, and I'm just trying to have man-to-man talk with you right now,

but you just fucking got your thick. The blood moon is rising. I am about to go on that stage in front of 100,000 of the most moneyed and influential men of the world, and every single one of them expects to see a fucking rocket. Do you want to look at this amulet, or maybe some of the rubies I have in my ass? I mean, what can I do to... What rubies? Your ass? What? Is this a fashion show now?

No, I went to the void, and I came back with an amulet. What void? What is this void? Oh, Jesus. Some kind of lacuna space? No, it's more of like a, you know, nether realm of the mind. Dr. Peterman shouted to me. Dr. Peterman, that crank, the trendy psychoanalyst for idle boyos? I think you should listen to all 370 hours of his photograph cylinders

to really get the point here, but look, we don't have that much time, sir. Stop the rocket launch. Why should I stop my rocket? Because I'm fairly certain it's your girlfriend Slimes and her, you know, the guy who's cucking you, Chadwick, who's probably also some sort of like avatar of an ancient being who recursed throughout human history to, you know, prey upon weaker men and, you know, great moments in history. And I'm just fairly concerned that this rocket thing is just going to, I don't know,

like open a gate into the chaos realm and totally fuck the planet up. Ah, years, years, Magnum Anum, have I spent on this project? Do you know how many years of failure have led me to this? My only success in this corporeal life? Of course you don't. You are a mere child compared to me. You'll come here and babble about gates and avatars and expect me to throw all that away because of your unsubstantiated hunch.

Look, I mean, do you want to be embarrassed again? Do you want another incident that's even worse than what happened at the World's Fair? Do you want that to happen? I personally oversaw the preparations of the rocket, like I personally oversaw my courtship of my special sugar lick science flapper. Talking to this fucking dunce is just turning me into Lieutenant Comtrey and I'm just seriously now, I'm just like, whatever dude, do you? I'll give you two.

I don't want to stop you from fucking your derpina. Chris, this is highly unprecedented, but I will allow you to give a hint to Professor Hackenbush. Oh, I see a trail of paella leading to this tent. Over here, Mr. Hackenbush, Mr. Hackenbush. Why, it's the crachio, our loyal man-surfing. What brings you here to the Holocaust, Led? Thanks for, by the way, interrupting this god-awful conversation. I'm sorry, I knew you would wish me to stay home and attend to the mansion,

but I could not help through my loyalty to follow you all the way here. I just have one question for you, noticing your travels. Yeah, late on me, dude. Oh, those red rubies, they look so shiny and so small and pill-sized. I would very much want to eat one of them if, sir, would not mind to let me eat one of the red pill-like rubies. Oh, wow. There we go. There we go, the crachio. The crachio in your, in your simpering Portuguese half-witted, super. I wish to eat the rubies. I see a shiny rock.

Oh, no, no, no. I wish to put them in my mouth. No, no, no, no, don't, don't, don't, don't swallow them. Okay, you have earned a cage that is 20% larger. Oh, my, my final upgrade. Alright, we got minis. The crachio came through just the moment we needed him. A hard sell on Enoch Musk, particularly while he's high on the anticipation of his greatest victory.

I know what to do. The rubies, to see the world as it truly is, you have to put the rubies inside you. You have to swallow the red jewel. And right now, Enoch, he's seen the world, he's seen the world through the eyes of lies that society tells you. And we found out these are definitely not suppository. Yeah, he's seeing society through the eyes of the lies that society tells you about your snuggle plus and love muffin. When really, it's all harlotry. By the way, as you've been talking to the crachio, you know, I got bored and it's been idly looking at some Japanese walls. Enoch, Enoch, look, I've got some rubies.

These are void rubies. They came from the void. These seem like average rubies. I can afford many cool rubies. No. Watch this. Do as I do. Put one on your hand, pop it in your mouth, swallow it. You're doing it as well? It's a festival, yeah. I'll do it if you do it, Enoch. Come on, man. I suppose it's a special occasion.

It's the Holocaust lad. If we can't swallow rubies here, then where can we? Well put, I knew you'd mellow out because you're cool, like me. Hopefully, taking this beautiful little red ruby is just swallowing it. We'll put it into your mad ravings about my darling cuddle bee and all of your other crazy theories. Here's what happens. You both take the rubies. You feel different. At first, it's very imperceptible, but then it's a rush. First things first, we'll regain 1d10 sanity. When you take these rubies, you feel like a fellow going his own way.

Eight? Well done. What are you at now, 20? You feel like you're in control of everything around you. It's very hard to explain, but nothing is perceptively different. You just feel stronger about things, and you look out the gap between the flaps of the tent. You see a woman milling about outside the tent, and normally you would think, here's a cumbly lass, but you look closer, just fangs, just claws, like a demon. All girls now are getting straight across fangs.

That's the style. Enoch, Enoch, are you seeing this? Enoch, are you seeing this? For a long silence and then... My creativity is returning. My sense of self-worth, my knowledge of the Orient is gone. I no longer have the urge to practice Oninism. I don't need Kuchi. I have been a slave to Kuchi, like a common Irishman this entire time.

Four years now. Oh, I've wasted those years, but now time starts anew. At this moment, Lindbergh marches into the tent with Felix following. Yo, Dr. Hackenbush, did you tell Enoch how to fuck his son in the void? Uh, no, but I was thinking about it. Lindbergh announces, Enoch, I'm not going in your rocket. Sick bastard. Enoch says very calmly. That's swelled by me, Mr. Lindbergh. My rocket is not going anywhere tonight. We did it. Here's what happens. It's dark now. Chad enters the tent.

Planked by two Tachyon Industries guards. Again, the same heavily armed men that you've been familiar with this entire scenario. Chad looks at Musk and says, Yo, Mac, it's time to start the show. We are aborting the launch, old chap. Guards, detain Mr. Lawler. Chad. You guys want to detain me? That's pretty dandy, yo. Chad waves his hand, and the four Tachyon guards who are around put their rifles where on you, Musk and Lindbergh? No.

Uh-oh. Chadwick looks at Lindbergh, says. You don't want to go into space? What is your boyfriend here on earth? No, I'm just kidding with you, pal. You're going into space. Chad nods to one of the guards, and he marches Lindbergh out of the tent. Lindbergh, as he's being marched out, calls back, I'll see you in hell, Lawler. And I'll see you in heaven, Capone Boys. Chad leaves. A few minutes later, you hear the deafening cheer of a hundred thousand people. You hear the amplified voice of Chad.

Hey, you want to see a rocket? That's pretty dandy that you want to see this big rocket. No, I'm just playing with you. Here's Slimes. Oh, my God. Thank you everybody. Hi. Hi. Oh, my God. Thank you so much for being here. Thank you. You all know the words. Chill out with me. Orchestra music starts up. Slimes begins her concerts. Through a window in your tent, looking at the artifice, you can see Lindbergh being marched at gunpoint into an elevator and up to the top of the rocket.

You are being held at gunpoint by, well, it'll be easy to say, two tagging on laboratories' guards wielding rifles. Musk whispers to you and says, She's only going to sing five songs before the Blood Moon reaches its paragraph. Then the rocket will launch. There is a kill switch at the top of the platform. If one of us can get up there in time, we can abort the launch. I suggest that someone knocks out the guards and comically steals their costume to climb up and sabotage this project. I'm trying to do that. I mean, I'm really concerned for my friend Charles Lindbergh. I mean, if he dies, he'll never get the chance to be a father.

Yeah, and he wants it, so he would be the best father, too, honestly. Again, to reiterate, you're being in your in-bust tent, which is filthy. You're being held at gunpoint by two tagging on laboratory guards who are under the thrall of this luller. Listen, you talk up and they both point their rifles at you. All right, you don't need to do that. I know that you guys have guns. Wow. RNG means that I didn't have a gun out. It's whatever. I'm not complaining. It's been a lot of time thinking to myself, and I feel like that's the real me when I'm thinking. I just think we're both amazing fucking results of memetics and genes and history and chance,

and we can go cuckoo banana pants, we can learn amazing shit, do epic shit, and go fucking bonkers. And then I go, ah, and I open my do this way gesture. I'll like to try a ruse. Let's sneak. Okay, we are going to do a series of roles to resolve exactly what happens. First, Felix, what's your persuade? My persuade is 50. I'll say that their skepticism is 50 also, so we'll see if you persuade either, and I'll just make it easy. We'll say it's a straight roll.

Okay, okay. That's like a 26. Okay, I'll say one of them, this rifle down says, I never thought of it that way. We're just made out of the stuff of stars and galaxies. Yeah, and you can like, you know, you think about it like stuff from fucking the galaxy came down, and we can do cuckoo banana pants shit, we can read the fucking cats and jammer kids. We can, we can make a box kite. Yeah, it's like, I don't even care. That's just being created. Exactly, dude.

The other one, Stevens' grip on his rifle says, sit the fuck down. Will rolls stealth. Oh, and stealth. Will falls directly on his face, also his dicks out, he crushes his dick with his entire weight of his body. With that hard fail. Here's what happens. Will, you try to sneak out, the guy turns to you and says, sit the fuck back down, pointing the rifle at you. He is, you know, essentially distracted if you want to try to do something, Felix. Yeah, I'm gonna pop off. Get that, get that strap.

Yeah, I take out my gun. Okay, you take out your gun, you're at point blank range, you aim at him. I'll say you get a pretty fucking clean shot right there. Roll it just to see if you malfunction. Okay, okay. Nope. That's an 11. I pretty much decapitate him.

My God. 11? What's your gun? It's an apostrophe S stat. 80. Yeah, it's a major success. Decapitation. He blew his head clean off.

I'm so good at this game. You blow away, the rest of you may as well subdue the other guard. Will, by the way, your amulet feels very hot. It's getting hot, it's about to get hotter because after we've subdueed them, we're gonna bimbo fire these guards. Oh God, I can't, well, one of them is gonna be a headless bimbo. Enoch, Enoch says the kill switch. The kill switch. Oh, right.

We have to get to the rocket platform. Right, the kill switch. I got something about bimbification. Yeah, let's make our way to the platform and try to just get that kill switch. You run out of the tent. Everyone is distracted by the performance. It's utterly enchanted. This is almost as good as the bugle called blues or yes sir, that's my baby.

You head to the platform. Okay, so at the base of it, there's an elevator leading up and from the ground, you can see Lindbergh be forced inside the capsule at the top of the rocket at gunpoint. Very several, about a, do I forget how fucking tall this thing is. A hundred feet, I think. Yeah, a hundred feet above you. It's rocket-sized. Right.

Oh, let's get on the elevator. Oh, wait, what brand is it? Yeah, yeah, wait, yeah. Oh, very important. Good question. Okay, one, there's a guy running the elevator. He's like a hardcore soy guy. Like, he's, like, the joy's not existed at this point.

You just see a bare, lower, you know, lower set of teeth, gum. Okay, hey there, Epic Sport. We're looking to take, yeah, that's right, a trip to mother-bitching space. And I don't know if we'll find any space flappers up there, but yes, rest assured, I think there'll be badass feminist space babes who want the right to vote, which was granted five years before the event of the story. And yeah, I'm thinking it's the maze balls. Interesting role here.

He pulls a lever, the gate on the elevator shuts, you go up. You are about three quarters of way to the top of the elevator, to the top of the platform, to that semicircular ring around the nose of the rocket. Right, the circumciser of the rocket. When you hear the grinding of gears, when the elevator car that you're in starts jerking and swaying, you see sparks go out, and that's when, Felix, you look down and you see one word at the bottom of the elevator, Otis. We have to bail.

We have to fucking bail. The elevator gets stuck a few yards away from the top. The only way to get up from this point is by climbing. Make it, dude, honestly, climbing with one hand would be safer than being in this death crap. Will? Climb. I have no choice.

Mad. Onward and upward. Enoch says. Onwards and upwards, gentlemen. Shut up, asshole. You got us into this problem. First things first, what are your climb stats? 20.

Oh yeah, 20. I shouldn't have spent all my points on guns and lying. You grasp onto the latticework that will bring you up to the top of the rocket, but looking down, you can see not just 100,000 people, but slimes on stage and Chadwick at the very base of the rocket, looking up at you, making a motion with his hands, his powerful, strong hands. He manifests. Two creatures that are actually the best way to describe these creatures is by using

the words of Howard Phillips Lovecraft himself. They're flapped rhythmically, a horde of tame, trained, hybrid, winged things. Not altogether crows, not moles, nor buzzards, nor ants, nor decomposed human beings, but something I cannot and must not recall, Howard Phillips Lovecraft, the festival. Two awful, massive, bat-like creatures swooped towards the four of you. You've got to climb up there, and you've got to ward them off. I don't know. It's not fun with it.

Well, I don't have a gun, so why don't you guys shoot at these things, and I'll try to climb up and shut off the stupid doohic. I scope up. I'm like, I'm looking down my iron sights. I'm usually just a quick scoper, but I'm actually aiming. They swooped towards you. I will say one of them attacks, let's roll for it, that's Matt, and the other attacks, Felix.

You fucked up, bitch. Matt and Felix, make your climb rolls now. Damn. Yeah, I failed, too. Felix, we'll start with you. One of these awful things comes at you with its gargantuan claws. I'll say you can make two shots, one right now, and then it attacks, and then another shot depending on the result of their attack.

Roll your gun. All right, pod chance. Yeah, pass. Roll damage. Seven. Seven damage. You do a good amount of damage to the thing. It still comes at you.

You can attempt to dodge or fight back. Attempt to punch back. Okay, roll brawl, okay, okay, and that's 80, so yeah, we're rolling that. Okay, all right, so you fight back. Roll it. Fail 33. That's a pass. Knock the fuck out.

You get to roll damage against it. I got a five. That's good enough to leave it incapacitated, falling off. Pat, same deal with you. You don't have a gun, but you do have your trusty sword cane, and I'll say you've got one arm to use it with. You can fight back or dodge with your sword cane. I'll try to cut this motherfucker.

Okay, roll your fighting brawl skill. Holy shit, I fucking passed. You passed, and it failed, so roll your damage against it. Fuck, two. Not bad. Terrible. Out of six, one of the lowest. Move up in molested by these creatures, and again, your amulet is very warm.

Make a climb roll. Fail. Fail. Man, we suck at climbing, boys. We're the worst. But I'm so good at guns. It's still, you're still trying to get up there, and you're still being harassed by this awful creature.

Felix, I'll say you can move now. You can make one choice here. You can try to climb up, or you can fire at the monster that's harassing Matt, and you could potentially make two shots in a round, depending on what you want. Yeah, let's go for gun again. Okay, roll it. Absolutely fucking smoke, 13. I think that's a critical pass.

Six, no, that's an extreme pass. Roll for damage anyway. What's the max damage? 40? Hard? No, that's hard. Well, my bad, I read that wrong. Those are my measurements.

Those are my measurements. Yeah, my dick's 40 inches. Yeah, 1d10, well, I'll say that's a good enough shot that you play it right between the eyes. Absolutely destroyed. It looks like you're eating roast chicken tonight. Yes. Yes, the other two of you make those climb rolls.

Somebody's got to get up there. 0000? 0080. Oh, no, that's a super hard pass. I climbed. I fucking climbed. We'll make the same roll. Fail again.

Dr. Penny Farthing, you're the first one to make it up to the top of the rocket area. At this point, all of the engineers have left the area. You hear from the ground the beginnings of that song, that horrible song you heard in the record store, that that disrespectful, lost generation gentleman lampooned you from listening to, blood moon. Kill switch. Kill switch. Kill switch.

Kill switch. Kill switch. Kill switch. You hear one thing, which is Lindbergh, who appears to be strapped into the rocket, to the nose of the rocket, pounding at the door of it, saying, let me out of here. Let me out of here. That's fine, but I need to hit the kill switch. Hit the kill switch.

Find it and press it. Here's what happens. Dr. Penny Farthing. Yes. The song reaches its crescendo. You hear 100,000 people singing along to that great hit by slides. Then you hear the rocket, steam shooting out of it, fuel igniting. You see the switch to lever, not far from where you are.

Hit the lever. You race down the platform. You race down this platform. You grab onto the lever and you pull it with all your might. Oh yeah. You hear that rocket starting to launch and then, and, oh, all right. Yeah. That's what's called a wedding night.

Will and Felix, you both clamber onto the platform to join your compatriot. You manage to stop the launch of the awful rockets. Dr. Penny Farthing, even though you're the most physically enfeeble member of Capone's week, you see, it was you who climbed the platform and pulled the lever despite it all. It's because I never, I never stopped believing in myself and in the power of goat testicles. You know, after, after like removing one of my testicles and somehow gravely injuring me while giving me a bath, who would have predicted you to save the day? That's why I say you always got to believe in yourself, never give up.

As you're talking and celebrating and kissing as you, as you Capone boys usually do, you are unaware of the appearance of Chadwick Waller, who shows up on the platform a few yards away from you. This guy. Oh, God. Oh, brother. Oh, no. Why'd you stop the rocket?

That's pretty dandy. Oh, dude, I'm going to use his own shit back at him. Watch this. Dude, that rocket looks like a straight penis. It's kind of sus. Oh, so you see a penis everywhere, huh? That's pretty sus. I'd call my friend Sigmund, but you probably blew him already.

I don't know, you're the one who's like so mad at people not like being able to shoot this fucking penis in the sky. You're the sus one. You went through this whole plot of being an interdimensional being so you can touch your penis, dude. What's up? You're the one who came up here. You want to do some dandy shit in other dimensions?

That's cool. More flappers for me. You're literally the one. You're literally the one who wants to crawl inside the penis to make it work more. So it's more sus. That's like beyond even getting penetrated by the penis. You want to live inside of it, dude. Are you going to fight me?

Are you a pop and J? Yo. No, dude. I'm going to fight you. All right. He is just to set the scene here. He's wearing the neon outfit that you normally see him in. One arm, one bicep is up and one bicep is down.

All right. Well, here's one thing his fighting style doesn't account for. I still have a few shots left in my gun. Felix, I'll say that you have your gun out and ready to take a shot. So why don't you take a shot? All right. We're at roll of the gun, 16. What a fucking god.

Wow. Such a god. Roll damage. Four. Damn. You hit him square in the neon pink tank top. Yeah. That sure doesn't say words anymore, bitch.

Chadwick will take a round. I'll roll to see who he targets. That's you, Felix. Here's what he says. Your gains are mine now. That's us, dude. You want to take another man's gains? Roll your power.

Two. Two out of what? 70. Such a god. 86 out of 50. Fortunately, that's actually a tie. You fucking kidding me? That's a tie?

I beat him. It's a two out of 70. His power is 500 because he's an elder god. What the fuck, dude? I don't know. I'll be nice and see that the tie goes to you. Yes, dude. Will, you can act now.

Is my emulate still hot? Yeah. The emulate was supposed to protect me. Can I like? It's warm and nice, pleasant, nurturing. Almost the opposite of Chadwick. How about I take the emulate and stuff it down his dumb Chad throat?

Bold, interesting move from Will. I'll say this. You run up to him clutching. You take off your emulate. You run up to him clutching it with the intention of shoving it down his throat. That's going to require a fighting maneuver. Roll that. Oh.

He gets a critical success. You just got your head crushed by Chad. No. You run up against him and you fucking knocks you on the ground. And he takes your amulet and throws it on the, throws it, you know, overboard. But to be clear, like, touching the amulet had no effect on him whatsoever. He was like, ow. But Felix, you can move again.

You still have your gun primed if you want to shoot again. Yeah, I want to shoot him again. Try to use your amulet, dude. He's like a fucking god. The gun isn't going to work. Yeah, it is. The amulet is nice. Oh, no.

The Satan invented guns to fight God. Read the Bible. All right. But I'll use my fucking amulet. I'll use my jewelry. Your amulet is ice cold. I want to remind you. Oh.

Fucking hell. Okay. Fine. I shoot him. Okay. Roll it. One. No way.

Yeah, he did. Look. Look. Look. It's one. How? I'm a god, dude. What do you want?

I don't understand how Felix can snipe in base. I'm a god, dude. That's good enough for me. Lieutenant Cumtree, you let a bullet square in the heart of Chadwick Lawler. Here's what happens. He collapses and his body begins to quake and swell, bursting, releasing a gigantic Claude monster, a shitless black being, like a gigantic insectoid. This creature grows and grows in size, threatening the stability of the platform that you're

on. And this colossus rises from the split corpse and disappears in the sky. You guys have to do the last dicks. Peace out. Well, thank God that thing will work. Nothing will never come back. It's scared, dude. But everybody's got to make sanity roll from seeing that.

27. My sanity is at 35. Actually, wow. I rolled 27, but I'm at 20. Matt. I'm at 20. I'm at 12. Oh, no.

And I rolled a 90. Felix, roll 1. Lose 1d10 sanity. All right. Damn, I lose 7. You lose. Matt, and we'll lose 1d100 sanity. Oh, my God.

Fuck me. Roll it out. Oh, boy. Now we're down to the brass tacks. Come on, baby. Come on. Give me something good here. Papi needs a new brain.

It is four weeks after the events of the Black Rock Desert. The three of you are back in the Capone Speakeasy in Red Hook. Professor Hackenbush and Dr. Penny Farthing are sitting by the fire in their rocking chairs, vacant expressions in their eyes, just rocking back and forth, nice and easy, both staring at the same frame cross-stitching of the words, bless this home. You guys suck, dude. You got owned. And tended to by our loyal Bejirdomo de Crescio.

Would you like more porridge, sirs? De Crescio, stop putting Madeira in the porridge. He's not helping them. This is how we make it in my home country. Oh, man. I don't want to hear that again. Lieutenant Guntree is idly playing with one of the various inscrutable artifacts that his colleagues have collected.

The ping on this shit sauce. Getting fucking jacks jumped. There is a, you hear the doorbell ring? Well, Felix, you hear the doorbell ring. Yeah, no. They're just hearing, like, they're just hearing their own voices in their heads, telling them to eat doodoo. Lieutenant Crescio comes in the room and says, Lieutenant Guntree, there is a delivery Irishman

at door. All right. Well, not the Irishman part, but the delivery part. Delivery's rather large, so time comes for you guys to go outside. All right. My small, sweaty frame cannot carry it myself. All right. Let's go.

Let's go get this. There's a gigantic box outside. It's the size of an elephant. Is this the elephant I ordered? You don't hear any elephant noises, so unless it's dead, it's not the elephant you ordered. Is this the dead elephant I ordered? Yeah. Could you open that to Crescio?

I'm, my back hurts, I only slept 17 hours. Oh no. It is so large. I can shoot the locks off it. The Crescio opens it. It's a gigantic piece of machinery. Potters, dude, I'm about to be a project player. It is 15 feet high and 10 feet wide and 50 feet long.

A gigantic mass of gears and turbines, pistons, and crankshafts. It goes with a brief instruction on how to turn it on if you want to tell your man to do so. Yeah, turn the shit on, dude. I work the levers. Hmm. The Crescio works the levers. And this awful thing makes a godly noise, belches out black smoke.

And that's when you walk around to the other side and you see, in one part of it, is the facsimile of a beautiful nude woman. No shit, I fucked her. There is a message taped to it. May I read the message? Capon boys, it's me, Inoc Musk. I want to thank you for saving me from my greatest antagonist, myself, truly the recent events we shared were a disastrous, humiliating failure, but in that, a great, shining success.

As you may have heard, I was fined an unprecedented sum by the Department of the Interior, almost one thousand dollars, but the lessons I've learned have been worth far more than that. Things have never been more prosperous at Tachyon Industries since you read me of that CAD, LOLer, and since I severed my relationship with that vacuous, slam pig, Slimes. I have scrapped the rocket. Mankind, non-Semitic mankind at least, will never go into space. This is certain. We are now focused on more practical innovations.

As a token of my gratitude, I give you this, a review copy of my latest invention, the Copulation Difference Engine. Please enjoy, sincerely, Inoc Musk, industrialist, going his own way. Dude, man, I wish you guys weren't permanently insane, or else you could fuck this machine with me. Ducretcio, you ready for a half day, dude? My pants are already off. Let's go, dude.

Let's go. Let's do this Lisbon style. Let's go. Lisbon. What? Dude, you're permanently insane. You can't correct me anymore. Shut the fuck up.

Felix, regain 1D20 sanity for saving the world from this horror. 14. Good. Regained 14 sanity. That's where Lieutenant Felix Cumtree is. We'll do skill rolls in between now and the next time we visit. Camp Town, ladies. Sing that song.

Dude, uh, dude, uh, Camp Town, race, trap, five, five, as long as you go to do the bay. Go on, run all night, go on, run all day, bet my money on the bobtail next. Somebody bet on the bay, somebody bet on the bay. Hi, everybody. Oh, Steve, and why are you praying? You got a tiny pain in my boy. We go to your house and it looks like a mouse. I want your dad's big, fatty toy.

Do you think that you can satisfy me with a tiny, tiny thing tucked up in your honey? I don't think so. Get out of my house. Get out of my house now. You have a tiny penis in your pants. Honestly, I'm a girl of a certain age. I don't think I'm very old. I am not so sage, but I know something my mom taught me.

The size of an adequate pee-pee. This isn't it. Get out of my house. Steve, and get out of my house. Get out of my house for why wrong you all are with a lawnmower. I hate your Steve and little prick. I want a big, fat man. I'm strong, yet you're a dead stick.

Ask Steve, and get out of my house. you