Chapo Trap House - UNLOCKED: 483 - Chapo Trap House presents: Try Hard (12/25/20)

Episode Date: December 26, 2021

No new Christmas special this year, but unlocking last year's special as a little gift to those who never heard it and get all our Xmas shows on the free feed. Merry Gamesmas, our gift to you: “Chapo Trap House presents: Try Hard”

Hey everyone, Chris here, producer Chris. So it's Christmas and we were supposed to do this Christmas special that we started writing last year, but Felix kept insisting that he had got it handled and that he was going to record something on this trip to see Amber he was taking or something. I don't know, I was doubtful, but just today Christmas Eve, I got this VHS tape in the mail from Felix with this note that said, here's some more try hard Christmas bullshit for the hogs. Okay, whatever, let's just hope this is actually Christmas related and not just tangentially set around Christmas so a bunch of internet patents don't spend the next 30 years arguing whether or not it's actually a Christmas special. Alright, let's just pop this bad boy in the old tape deck and... Yeah, you don't like flying, do you? Nah, I just more think about how pissed I would be if everyone on the plane died and I wouldn't be able to save them. I understand that, but you don't want to know the secret of successful air travel? Listen, after you get where you're going, you take off your shoes and socks, take out your little telephone, you take a picture of your feet, you wriggle them little piggies around, you post it on social media under the hashtag, travel feet, and you walk around on the rug barefoot and make fists with your toes. Yeah, yeah, but first what you gotta do is you gotta take around three or four Percocets. Now, the thing is with Percocets, okay, I understand you look like a worldly man, maybe you're more used to other stuff, fentanyl, lollipops, etc.

With Percocets, what you gotta do is cold water extraction. See, I learned how to do this back when they changed the formula of Oxycontin, where they made it so it was that hard little thing that you couldn't crunch off and you had to just suck on it, take the whole thing. Maybe you don't want to take any milligrams of Oxycontin at once, of course I do, maybe other people don't. Anyways, so you can use the coffee maker in the hotel room, you can do this absolutely fine, you get all the Tylenol out of there, you just drink the little warm water, you take it around and put your camel back all day, you're good. It's fantastic, cold water extraction. Trust me, I have been doing this every day for around nine years. Whoa, Karen Agone, what are you, a cop? Yeah, NYPD, subway fare evasion division, trust me, I've been doing this and all that other stuff for 10 years. I thought Amber would be here to meet me at the airport. Felix Beiderman, I'm Virgil, your limo driver. Do you know how to drive a limo? This is my first time. No, I drive a limo for myself on the weekend, but in New York I have a special one that is actually more difficult to drive, it has a double stick, it has a stick shift that's also a stick shift for braking.

There are three series of brakes and my license is non-transferable, but I absolutely know how to drive that car, which is the most complex car, and this one. Just kick back and relax, man, we got everything you need, VHS, Laserdisc, Betamax, Betadisc, Wavefiles, Flakfiles, Microsoft Zoom, iPod Shuffle, iPod Red, only fans, only fans Red, whatever you need. So, your lady, live out here. Not my lady, my former podcast partner, but not like that. I've had sex with a lot of women, both in New York and Los Angeles, and several places in between and places that are beyond that, even beyond the oceans, making me one of the only men who's sort of done that since the golden age of exploration. So what, she works out here now? Why are you asking me all these questions? It's actually kind of sus. Sorry, I used to be a reply guy, I need attention from people. Well, she had a good job writing for Jackabin that turned into a great career pushing the Biden administration left as senior VP of vibes and dope-ness at Data for Cloud, a subsidiary of the Nakatomi Corporation.

Meanwhile, I'm still back in New York, being a cop like I always have been, and a podcaster and a semi-professional CSGO player, and a documentary filmmaker and a best-selling author. So why don't you move out with her? Because I got like a six-month backlog of turnstile jumpers and churro ladies that I need to put behind bars to keep the streets safe. Plus, I don't really get much sleep, I have flat feet, and it's a huge pain on me just being on them a lot. No one warned me I'd have to move across the country. I'm really upset about what's going on in the royal family with Harry's American bird. I heard rumors that he wore a baseball cap to the royal fox hunt that really upset me. And this guy I was supposed to be guarding at the MCC.

He killed himself and everyone's really mad at me, and I don't know why it was such a big deal. Oh, okay. So you like Christmas music? Yeah, sure. Hell yeah. All right. Yo, my data for clout peeps. Listen up. Congratulations on the dopest year yet.

Y'all have done some truly sick shit. We're going to do some of the realest shit ever. We got some sick data. We're going to drop zeros and ones, the dopest. I'm just like so fucking proud of everybody here, man. I only got one question for y'all. Where's my hug at? Just kidding.

Yo, but what if I wasn't? We're silly. Yo, everybody here. You're like the realest people I'm fucking proud of. And all you all know that shit is hard to come by. Just real people, just like real fucking people, not like clout hounds. Not people fucking internet people yelling at me, calling it fingering for data or whatever. Real fucking people here.

Yo, Amber, Amber, Amber, Amber, Amber. It's Christmas Eve, babe. Why are you still in your sensory deprivation tank? You closed the deal on getting one out of 140 possible cabinet appointments in the new Biden administration. You're possibly the most effective clout demon the Progressive List has ever had. Everyone wants to celebrate it and you, babe. Plus, it's Christmas Eve, fireplace, candles, cuddle puddles, overwatch, disassociatives. That sound good?

Sorry, I just can't concentrate. It's my former podcast partner, Felix Biedermann McClain Frost. We still have to settle a rent dispute regarding damage done to our apartment by cat shit and cratum dust. I need that $500 or else I can never move on with my life. Biedermann McClain Frost? Why did you take each other's names? You're not married or anything. Well, you have a podcast partner and a roommate.

That's the closest relationship you can have with a person. So, why does he just say Amber Frost on your office door? Because I'm not gay, dude. So what? You go upstairs, you run into your podcast partner's arms, music swells, you get your money back. Is that how this works? Or not. I don't care. It's not important to me at all. I just came out here because, you know, what else am I doing? Okay, so I'll just pull into the garage here and wait.

If you score with Amber and get your deposit back, call me on the car phone and I'll leave your stuff at the front desk. If not, I'll get a hotel with a great ping and set up your gaming rig there. You know what? You're not dog shit to talk to. You're approaching a human being. Thanks. GG's. I'm here to see Amber McClain, Gennaro Frost, Biedermann. Now, I see her. It's a bit of a problem because all I have in my system here is an Amber Frost. I fucking wish I was that. I'm gonna kill myself. I'm gonna fucking kill myself.

Now, young man, it says here she's on the 30th floor at the Christmas party. Now, if you just go down to our bank of oldest elevators, push the button which shows the arrow going up, which is the direction you want to go. We're in the lobby, but you just want to go up to 30. Push that button, wait for the door to open, walk inside the elevator, then push the button for 30. I can't stress how important this is. If you push another button, you won't go up to where you want to go, see? Wait as the elevator moves upward, then when the door opens, and this is where a lot of people mess it up, you have to go out of the box that you were just in. So, buddy, if you don't want to come and back down and we'll do it all over again, you have to get out on the 30th floor. Fucking bitch, I was fucking pushing cocks up here, dressed up like a fucking little man, I'll fucking kill you.

I've been taking elevators, you can never fucking understand, dumb fucking bitch. What was that now? Nothing, nothing, no, thank you for keeping this lobby safe. Fucking California elevators, fucking pieces of shit, god damn fucking Gavin Newsom is a completely clear column. Just ripping through the fucking buttons, just fucking, god damn fucking, everyone in this fucking state, just drives seven hours of therapy all fucking day, writes a fucking screenplay about a fucking sparrow with ADHD. God damn it, I was fucking 300 paddocks. Uh, excuse me? I'm uh, I'm looking for-

Amifrost! Haha! How'd you know? Yo, everyone knows my favorite type of shit is interactions, relationships, meeting people, talking to people, touching forearms, being real. I mean that's, uh yeah, that's true, they say the forearm is the closest way to the heart, I mean, as far as going having, you know, thoughts go and having relationships, it's one of the best things you can do with people. Dog, the second you walked in here, I could tell you were one of the realest fucks I ever seen. Haha, not like all these fake LA bitches in here that I just called the realest motherfuckers ever. Oh, fuck.

Oh, oh, oh, hello, uh, hi, Mr. Tumilli, I was, uh, don't mind me, I was, uh, just doing some cocaine here. Hey! Cut that shit out! Those lines are so thin, man! Make them bigger! That shit is dope! I love doing that shit, because when I do it, I want more of it. And then when I stop, I feel kind of like I want to die, but the real shit is that it's Christmas and that we never have to stop doing drugs or having progressive thoughts.

Listen, Felix, you're here, I want to cut you in on something, you're perfect for this idea I had since a few minutes ago, incentivize tax credits for dogs, do you want to partner up on me with this? Cause like, if the cops keep shooting dogs and stuff like that, we can make a whole lot of change off those dog corpses, man. Big things coming, watch this space! Uh, Willix, this is Felix. Uh, wait, Felix, you mean, uh, Amber's policeman? Willis, here, is in charge of our cousin department. Explain to me why you're doing all that cocaine. Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Yeah! Yeah, it's Christmas, it's Christmas, that's what I do, on Christmas and coincidentally every other day of the week. Um, it's actually kind of a double celebration, because we just closed the deal on our pick for the Deputy Undersecretary for Soybean Subsidies at the Department of Agriculture, and it was all due to your girl Amber over here. We're all set, Cayden. I've been up for 72 hours just vibing with near tandem and we should be good to open our new office in Omaha by New Year's. Felix, I was hoping you didn't sleep through your alarm and made the flight. Yeah, no, it was fine, actually.

It was actually, um, I mean, I could have died today because there was a woman pilot on and she had a nervous breakdown, because she had never had her first orgasm, and I had to have sex with her to do that for her. And I saved the lives of her and everyone on that plane, so everyone's welcome. I did it. Alright, babes, me and Cayden are just gonna do some more blow, but we will leave you to it. Yo, dude, congrats on flying that Muslim plane, but you know, I look at you and I look at all these fake fucking people I invited, man. I feel like I'm in a sea full of vultures, but the crazy thing is each one of them are a chess piece on my giant board. It's like a plane chess, man. Oh, you took off your shoes. You posted a travel feed?

Yeah, I mean, I just like, I've been sober off the lauded for three weeks. I'm done with that unnatural shit, the shit that's made in the lab. I'm on this fence from the earth. I feel good. I feel great. I got my toes open. Oh, I miss you, Felix. Yeah, you miss me, but you're going by your real name. It's on your driver's license, the thing that every woman has. Amber Ali Frost. Oh, come on, Felix. You know how this company is. It runs on media feminism. If I went by Amber Biederman, Hussain Genaro, McLean Menaker, Texas, I'd dilute my clout.

Yeah, but you don't have a problem with your old name on those checks from Make Love the Choppa way. I've endured that guy to sex, intimacy, and age gaps. Amber, Amber, come on. Mr. Kate and 2 Million needs you to explain what the PMC is to the staff again. Wait here. I'll be right back. You go ahead. I'm going to keep telling girls I almost died today. Sometimes the ones you expect to betray you the most actually do and you don't expect that shit at all, because you're looking for all these snakes in the grass and you're looking in the short grass thinking the snakes are coming up there

and they're the long grass the whole time and they're looking at me and they're looking at us and they're saying, you know, Kate and 2 Million doesn't even trust his staff. He's constantly talking about people betray him. They say stuff like I'm built like a waterlogged bread box. People say stuff like I'm a less sexy Nate Silver. People say I'm like a white sickly DeMarco far and that kind of shit gets to a person. And when he puts stuff in his nose and it should be his business and not everybody on the whole internet. And when you touch a girl's hand that used to be sacred.

Silence. Do 2 data for clouds long history of doing a racism, doing an imperialism, doing a nationalism, doing a xenophobia, doing white fragility, doing a weak apology and doing a no growth. Data for cloud has made it abundantly clear that you don't even understand the intersectional nature of the multiplicity of your offenses. And it is about to be taught a lesson in real power. You will all be witnesses. And if our demands are not met, you may become participants as well. Now where is Caden 2 Millie? Yo dog, when you said we're guilty of white virginity, that's bullshit man.

We do it whenever we want, we do it in the office and stuff like dogs. Speaking of dogs, people are acting like I just threw those dogs in the trash when that's the opposite of what happened. I saw those dogs in the trash and I threw them out because I thought that was making them sick. They were dead when I found them man. Mr. 2 Millie, my name is Hans Christman. And if you'll follow me to the Otis elevator, we will get inside, press one of the buttons and smoothly ride up to the conference room. Alright man, I'll play nice. But listen, if you betray me like everyone else, I'm gonna abolish nice.

What's up Virgil? Mr. Beerman, how's it going with your partner? Do you need any beverage? Yeah, it's lame and stupid. She's not even using my last name anymore or telling anyone we were roommates and we didn't even get to talk about the security deposit. Uh huh. Yeah, but I mean, Nika moved to G2. He was on phase when he moved to G2, he's playing with his cousin. Some people said it was his brother, I don't know if that's a joke or not, I don't really know the European sense of humor.

But actually, someone told me the other day that RPK is 31 years old. Alright, I don't see what this has to do with this. Shit, shit, shit. Thank Felix, thank you. He's traveled to Los Angeles. You're here to reconcile with Amber. Party's been taken over by international terrorists. Been up with three hours.

Uh, you do a childhood was forever altered. Mom outlining you to play football. Uh, gyms have been closed for three weeks. Uh, haven't had dinner. Usually dinner by two. It's three now. It's time to kinetically ascertain the optical status on OP4 and follow them up to the next floor. Ah, the accomplishments of the Progressive.

And when Alexandria saw the breadth of her domain, she wept, for she hadn't conquered shit. Yo, dog, if I conquered the world, I'd be straight up chilling, get a beanbag chair and a gogurt. I don't even know why you'd cry, that shit sounds stupid. Take a seat, Mr. Tumilli, my associates and I have a few questions to ask you. Yo, wait, hold up. Like, I don't even know what this is about, dog, and we're having like a surprise meeting. Like, what's going on? Caden Tumilli claimed date of birth, 1991, actual date of birth, 1974.

Come on, man. Supporter of Elizabeth Warren in the 2020 presidential election, author of the 20 dopest Democrats to watch 2016 through 2020, widely regarded to be the mind behind the abolish homework movement, investor in 500,000 unsold Kristen Gillibrand Funko Pops, author of the gimmick Twitter account Kamala Bin Sayin, and founder of Data for Clout, headquartered here at beautiful Cloutatomy Plaza. Yo, dog, not all of that is true because I did not start the Kamala Bin Laden account that's like fucked up to accuse me of.

Like, anytime you do some shit, there's going to be like sharks nipping at your Gucci slides. Mr. Tumilli, we could sit here and discuss Elizabeth Warren's dope ass plans all day, but I, and literally nobody else, is interested in those. I am also interested, however, in the 600 million in non-negotiable data you have stored here in the Clout vault. The codes, please. Whoa, you think like numbers and money are like a thing I give a shit about at all? This is about like family, and family can be anyone you see. It can be a really cool guy you just met who must be interesting because he's trying to blow you off.

Family can be an extra large but short sized t-shirt so that you have, it's not like a crop top, I'm just a bigger guy, right? Family is the only thing you can take to the grave. You know, you can't take money. I'm going to count to three. One. Honestly, dude, I feel like I've never been done this dirty by a homie in my whole life. Like, from the first time I met you, dawg, I was like, dude, get into terrorism. But now, like, like, you're doing it, like, against me?

Like, when you asked me if you could take me hostage, I was like, yes, because I saw that you were the best terrorists in the world, and like, game respects game. And I do want to address all the fans out there, all the supporters out there, the progressive community who've been DMing me, hitting me up for support, telling me to wipe my face with the towel when I get sweaty, sending me selfies, sending me feet pictures, posting to travel feet, because, like, honestly, dawg, even though you're holding this gun to my head right now, I still, like, fucking love you, dawg.

Oh, Jesus Christ. Yo, my brain dawg, real mature. We have to do it the hard way. Bring me the hacking nerd. Carl, dispose of this. Yeah. Now, David, you can bypass the locks on the date of vault, Greg. Yes, 30 minutes to break the code.

Two hours to post by comments on New Jersey Devils.com. But seven lock, that's out of my hands. It's going to take longer, though, because I'm because of your long letter to the ESPN.com board moderators about Bill Belichick, his racist lead receiver core, how he uses Cam Newton as just a good old boy on his slave plantation. Oh, yeah, give me a fuse in. So many, so much hatred, so much vile going through my mind right now.

Big Felix, think a lot of people would be traumatized by seeing that guy red mist like that, but on me, I'm different. I'm normal. Different. They're court documents saying I'm normal. Jack off to live leak. You're fine. I'm different.

I'm different. I'm fine. I'm normal. Virgil, tell me you heard the shot. Tell me you heard the shot. Oh, damn, I just came up here to vape, and I'm wearing this patch. This guy on the plane told me about, and I'm kind of itchy and irritable right now. All right, just got to pull up seamless.

One impossible burger, one cup of ice, water on the side, open straw already. Well, paper already off. Delivery sent. Great. Sweet. Driver will come here. I'm going to get the burger. The driver will call the cops for me.

I'd honestly be able to do this, but if you haven't had your 2am dinner, I'm not really going to be stopping any terrorists. How long, David? Which is why the New England Patriots are not in fact a legitimate football organization, but rather a slave plantation. Oh, Hans, we've got a call for seamless on the 32nd floor. Call seamless. Give them your address.

Tell them they fucked up the order and canceled the delivery. Tony, go upstairs and find that guy who just ordered this impossible burger. Come on, come on, impossible burger. Come on, fuck this fucking city. Your order has been canceled. You should come out now and join the rest of the hostages. I promise I won't hurt you. Freeze asshole, you're under arrest.

Move a muscle and I'll snatch every motherfucking birthday. You won't hurt me. You're a policeman. An American policeman. You have rules. Have you seen the news? Get fucked. Absolutely fucking pussy.

Fucking suck. Fucking suck my dick. All right, easy. See what you dropped. Got anything for me? Got an AK maybe? Million fucking terrorists in the world. And I killed the one who has no mango jewel pods,

no juice of any fucking time. No nicotine. At least this pussy had a phone, but he doesn't even have shoes that fit me. Which would be nice because I am not wearing shoes, still. That's right. My feet are still out and you can still see them into everything. I wanted this to be professional, smooth, efficient.

Alas, your boss, Mr. Tumilli, did not see it that way, so he won't be joining us for the rest of his life. Due to the fact that I just murdered him. With a gun. Just remember this can go any way you like. You can walk out of here or be carried like a baby. A dead baby. But there's not a single detail we have left to chance.

Schnell das Otis. No! It's my brother. His body is in the Otis elevator and dead. What does it say? Now I have minis. Ha, ha, ha. Fuck me, it's always something with this hostage shit.

What's going on? And do you want a bump? Yeah, they don't look happy. Something's gone wrong? The police? No. Felix. Felix?

Jesus Christ, he's going to fuck this up. He can't even set his fucking alarm. And no one even has alarms anymore. That's bad enough. Just look at your phone, you fucking moron. Okay, he is doing his job and he does not respond well to pressure, criticism, or standards of any kind. Okay?

His job? What's that? Ordering 12-year-olds as a gamer and as a cop? Without him, they may still let us go. Tell that to Caden 2 Millie. You still have any of that fish scale? Yeah. Finally, fucking service on the roof.

Hello, this is the Los Angeles Emergency Police Radio, age, sex, location. Mayday, mayday. Terrorists who seize the data for cloud building have already killed one hostage. They are well armed and European. I repeat, European. M249, grenade launcher, SAW, the needler,

warthog from Halo. And just to be clear, that's no obstacle to me. I can and am in the process of getting this under control. But if you want to do anything, I'm not saying that you should. Just consider yourself warned if you want to come check it out. You could probably contribute to this, genetically.

Listen to this asshole pretend he doesn't need help. Roof is the best place for signal. Go. Sir, are you getting this? It's the same address as the canceled seamless order from earlier tonight that we've been tracking. Sir, is this a false alarm? This channel is for emergencies only, not food orders. Well, first of all, millions of people starve to death

every single day. So I wouldn't really call a food order not an emergency. You don't really know what I've been through or when the last time I had dinner was. I've been up for six hours. There was a problem with my alarm clock. I've been eating for the past 7.25 hours. And I don't think I sound right now.

Like I'm still ordering a fucking pizza. I had an impossible burger. There were no fries or anything. Come out down here to Dana Plaza. Just give me my fucking food. Sir, that is not my job. Then come down here and cancel me. You know, go ahead. Go ahead. Put a whole fucking thread up.

Read a Medium post. Get 37 quote tweets that are like, Y'all, this is bad. I'll say the R-word again. It's going to be like 2016 again. You know what? People love to back down. They're about to love it again. There he is. Remember, he killed my brother, so he's mine. Fucking one tap. Fucking shit. I'm fucking useless.

Uh, they canceled the food order guys. Going to say the R-word unless we send a black and white. And there were a lot of popping noises or fireworks in the background. Not really sure what that's about. Should probably send somebody to check it out. Yeah, yeah, hold up. I thought you guys ate donuts, not all these Chinese boner pills in psychosilipant mushrooms.

Yeah bitch, I ate donuts too. And dick pills from China. Shut the fuck up and give me some Twinkies and a couple apple fruit pies too before I fucking start fearing for my life all of a sudden if you catch my drift. And yes, they're all for me. I'm pregnant, so what?

Dispatch to Stavi, baby. Over. This is Stavi, go ahead. We're gonna need you to go over to Data Plaza. A guy is threatening to say the R-word or something. Oh my fuck. Are you serious? I'm on my way and my dick is 100% torque to capacity. Yeah, I just showed up here

and I don't hear any R-words flying around. Going in for a closer look. Eddie, please be aware there is a fat man coming to investigate the lobby. Roger that, copy. Evening officer, what can I do for you? We got an emergency call that something problematic was happening here.

Do you folks mind if I make an ocular assessment of the bodies and spaces in this space, y'all? We already had one false alarm tonight. Turns out the word just means miserly. But if you ask me, the computer's sent you another wild goose chase. Ah man, Ethereum is dropping. I got $400,000 on those assholes. Fuck this, this shit's boring, who cares?

Fuck it, who's driving this car? Fat Greek Stevie Wonder? Come on, asshole! Who's fucking sushi do I have to cop to get some attention around here? Hey, interloper! That's bad vibes! You're fucking one, Eddie. Why I'm shot by a dick? Fuck, you had a chance to take the shot.

The next time you do, don't hesitate. I didn't hesitate, my reflexes are fucked up from flying. People just aren't meant to do it. If I were 14, you'd have been dead twice already. You would be meeting Gnish right now. Anyway, thanks for the advice. And now, to throw the body out the window. Hell, motherfucking yeah, I'm about to get my dick

so far up in these donuts with these Chinese dick pills. I fucking love being a cop and not doing shit. Sitting in my car, smoking weed, looking at some titties on my phone. Time to send a dick pic to a mentally ill woman on Insta. If she doesn't reply, that's a fucking felony. About to have to do a wellness check over on that bitch's apartment. Ah!

Fuck, they're killing my hide! Fuck! This sucks! Fuck! One, Adam, Nate, this is Officer Stobby. I'm like that in Plaza. You know I'm under fire. They're turning my corn cheese into Swiss cheese down here, bro.

Fuck! Send everything you got, SWAT, EMS, girls with septum piercings that make infographics, the team we use when we know there's a dog in a civilian residence. Fuck! Welcome to the party! Damn, seems like me throwing the body through the window and dumping those mags,

lured the police to the situation here. I was just doing that for fun. Now I have a loot crate full of detonators and I sure hope they matter to the plot at some point in the future. This game is easy. All of you stare at your posts. We knew police action was inevitable. In fact, it's necessary.

Remember, we still have the hostages. We are still in control. I thought I told you I want radio silence until... Geons, I'm sorry I didn't get the memo, because my alarm didn't go off. If you wanted radio silence, maybe you should have put it in a Google Doc or an email where I'm more likely to check.

Anyway, thought you might be feeling lonely since I've noscoped your boys Franco, Marco, Gunter, Horst, and the rest of you fucking degenerate Bavarian bastards. How does he know we are Bavarian? You're a very Lederhosen idiot. Ah, how nice of you to call. I assume you are a mysterious partycrusher.

You are most homicidal for a... Wong. You are the weakest link, goodbye. I'm a Twitch streamer. Now would you like access to our Discord? Twitch streamer. Which one are you? Destiny?

Doctor Disrespect? Hassan Piker? Go upstairs. See if he's lying about Jürgen Reinhart and the others. Just a golden overrated CSGO Pro. A beautiful art given in the tire swing. An anti-Semite in the labor party. I see.

Just another American who's watched too many Marvel movies, where they don't even use squibs. Another orphan of a bankrupt culture who's actually willing to say out loud that Black Panther was a good movie. You think you have a chance against us, Mr. Revenger? Wakanda forever, motherfucker. He wasn't lying about all those people he killed.

He went to Patek mode upstairs, when he took the detonators. Alright, what do these crowds have? Six hour, not bad. Still no shoes. Six hours into the Fent patch. Not good. My feet are still out, just as a general reminder.

Just all these fucking dead Germans, none of them has any vapes, because they eat fake regulations. Yo, this is Sergeant Stavros of the Los Angeles Police Department. If the person who radioed for Beyond Burgers can hear me, just fucking hit me back, bro. I'm trying to talk. I read you, Stav.

Is this the guy in the car who I nearly killed? Yeah, dude, that was not fucking chill, to be honest. 100%, but I'm still here, and I need you to identify yourself. Not now. I've locked my account of the Black Circle Abbey, because of dog piling and targeted harassment and sea-lining. It's kind of other rising,

and I'm getting epigenetic memories of the Holocaust, and I would like any girls out there to know that. First of all, what the fuck? Second, are you okay? All right, here's the deal. There's 30 hostages on the 30th floor of the Data for Cloud Christmas party. The leader of the terrorists is a guy named Hans,

and they have enough guns for a Jason Aldean concert, enough plastic explosives to do another controlled demolition of the World Trade Center. We have to find him and shut him up. He's telling too much truth about 9-11. The police are irrelevant. We are waiting for the deep state to get involved. Until they arrive, we can't finish our work or prove

who the real winner of the 2020 election was. These guys are German. Judging by their clothing labels, they're very well-financed and very hype-beast. How do you know? Leather pants, mesh shirts, tiny around sunglasses, black turtlenecks. I've been to Bergen enough times to notice

piss pigs when I see them. I hear that, and you have my word on it. Once they're done clearing a homeless encampment, LA's finance will be all over this. So what do I call you, partner? Call me T'Challa. Got it, T'Challa. I need you to find your safe space right now.

You hear? Find your comfort character and deal with your unreality issues, and let us do our job, understand? Alright, no, that sounds good. I mean, good luck, and I love you. I love you too. Alright, so, uh, did a terrorism happen? Did someone do a terrorism?

Because I would really eff up my day. Okay, is anyone, like, talking to the terrorists? Can they hear us now? I am, sir, Sergeant Halkus. Okay, I guess. I didn't get the call, because, of course, I didn't. Terrorists didn't even send me a text. I still lost my number.

Well, it's not the terrorists, sir. Not the terrorists? Yeah, I feel like you can't really have a terrorist situation without terrorists, though. That's like having a happy meal with no baby-yo to mini-funk-o-pop. It's not a thing. Well, we don't know, sir.

He calls himself T'Challa. He's locked his account because of targeted harassment, but he's on his paddock shit, for sure. He's killed at least one person. He says he's killed someone. Well, great. Did it ever occur to you that he might be doing that thing where he says one thing but means another?

Can you smell my silent judgment right now? Look, I think this guy's a gamer, at least. Probably a cop as well. And a troop. High-level operator. First responder. And a father. Possibly an uncle.

How do you actually know that? It could be A, lying. B, crazy. C, also lying. And, oh yes, D, lying. It's just a hunch, a feeling I have. If you've ever had the feeling of wanting your dick to work, but it's not doing what you want,

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you get your first order free. Just pay shipping. And your dick will be plumper than the corpse of that no-good fucking kraut that my friend to Cialis just gunned down. You had to make it weird, didn't you? I have a request. Oh, what idiot put you in charge? You did, when you killed my boss.

Now everyone's looking to me. Personally, I'd pass on the job. I don't like doing jobs. I get fired a lot, and I'm very lazy. Go on. Okay, so everyone out there is feeling very otherwise right now. And unless you want things getting messy, we're going to need some self-care.

Support animals, foosball table, access to the raw water bar. And Willis has asked for the key to the gender-neutral bathroom because it's easier to do blow in there. Ah, yes, I forgot. This is one of your coddled American start-ups. It will be done. Mr. Tumilli chooses people well, Mrs.

Frost. Ali Frost. I'm sorry, did the flashy lights and big guys with guns not clue you in? We're doing the SWAT thingy. Because crime. It was the night before Christmas, and all through the house. Not a creature was stirring, except for the four assholes coming in the rear in standard two-by-two cover formation.

Alright, team. Move in. We're moving in now? We're moving in now. They're shooting at us? They're shooting at us. They've got rocket launchers? They've got rocket launchers.

We're pinned by overwhelming force? Uh, yeah. We're pinned by overwhelming force. My body is riddled with bullets, and I'm dying in excruciating pain? Uh, yeah. My body is riddled with bullets, and I'm dying in excruciating pain. God, did that actually just happen? Yeah, that totally just happened.

They fucking suck so fucking much. They're so fucking bad. They're so fucking shitty. I saw a fucking 25 milligrams of well-butered fallout of one of those fake cops fucking tack vest. I wouldn't, like, we would already be home if that was me. There's one guy. If I would have fucking killed all of them.

This is fucking terrible. I want to fucking kill myself. Why am I here? Oh, come out of your house. Don't go to the gym. Skip going to Costco. Won't you laugh? Fucking bullshit.

Are we on then? We're broadcasting? Alright then. This is Matt V. Brady, Hemsworth Brother Correspondent for ANN, the Australian News Network, reporting life in the data plaza building. Los Angeles has now joined the ranks of Sydney, Melbourne, Perth, Adelaide, Brisbane, Hobart, Newcastle, and the grim fraternity of cities affected by the Apex Gang and their terrorism. We have received reports that the Apex Gang terrorist leader, Hans Christman, was a radical

member of DSA Motivate Caucus, but was expelled for being a sex pest. Viewers will of course be familiar with the Apex Gang, a Sudanese Australian organisation that had humble beginnings as a graffiti tag for immigrant children. Now it seems that under Christmas leadership, the Apex Gang is moving into American turf in a big way, and it's hard to imagine how American organised crime will deal with these ruthless gang bangers who will snatch your fitted cap off your head and play keep away with it for minutes and minutes at a time. The LAPD has declined an official offer of assistance from the Australian SAS.

An LAPD spokesperson said, the particular expertise of the SAS would be wasted in this situation, as the building is not filled with 13-year-old Afghan civilians. We will have more in this situation as it develops, along with any Hemsworth brother breaking news. But for now, it's back to you at the studio. Willis, where are you going? Okay, I'm tired of sitting here. I'm feeling fucking agitated and fidgety for some reason. I'm feeling, quite frankly, a lot of anxiety about being killed right now.

But also, strangely a sense of godlike confidence that if I could just talk to this guy, I could perhaps open a restaurant or maybe a denim brand with him. Hans! Hans! We have to find him. You idiot, if you had listened to me, he would already have been called in, not called out. He'd be acknowledging his toxicity and working to make himself a better comrade in a working group by now. Uh, hope I'm not interrupting, my dude. What do you want?

What do I want? It's not about what I want, babe. It's about what you want. See, you look like a man of action, and a man of planning, just like me. See, I'm with it. I watch all the shows. I read all the posts. I'm probably the number six film expert on Twitter. So, I say to myself, these guys are professionals. They have an agenda. I have an agenda. I mean, business is all about agendas. You guys are here to negotiate. Am I right? And you want to help me? Let's help each other, man! I'm white-knighting you on the timeline, babe!

See, you should totally get in on the ground floor of my new restaurant. See, you got people leaving the clubs. They're thinking about the next morning. They're thinking about what? Brunch. That's right. So, what I'm saying is we bring that club-style atmosphere directly to an open-air style, new American-influenced brunch place right here in downtown L.A. I even have this white-hot designer lined up to not only do the interior, but open his own selvedge denim boutique right in the lobby. Does this have anything to do with my problem upstairs?

Oh. Oh, fuck. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, shit. I know that guy. Felix McClain Beederman. We chill all the time. We're like the best bros. I played among us with him and Keith Buckley from Every Time I Die, like, at least twice. It was fucking, it was so funny. I mean, like, he's a great band, great guy. Like I said, he's got no time for any of that ego or bullshit. It was really fucking funny. You just had to have been there. So, like, a lot of times, like, it's just... We have fun. We have a lot of fun. And you know what I mean? Like, anyway, they're totally real guys, down to earth, no ego,

and they get that I'm not trying to be on their dick. You know, guys like that, they just want to chill. And I get that. Mr. T'Challa. You know this, man. Uh, what's up? So, anyway, it's going to be a boutique streetwear shop right inside the club-style brunch experience. And that is the key word, experience. We've got CBD in all the cocktails because, you know, we're not just serving elevated egg plates at premium prices. I mean, we are, but it's the entire atmosphere of a VIP style.

Could you, like, kill this guy? Agreed. Now, Mr. T'Challa, why don't you come down and join our caucus here? Or I'll start shooting people until I get to someone who does not have any brunch-related ideas. Oh, fuck. Didn't you hear that? They just doomed that guy. Fucking socks, bro. Damn. I mean, you heard it. There's, like, nothing I could have really done. And, uh, if I'd forgiven myself, you should, too.

Holy dude, and you deserve that, and you need to do some self-care right now. But the good news is that guy fucking sucked shit. Okay, thank you for the hurricane of bad language words. So, what is this, your sidekick? As in the one that, like, totally murdered that guy? Can't you read between the lines? That guy sucked shit. Remember in the beginning of the movie, he tried to fuck his wife? He was an asshole. He was being annoying, even though he had awesome hair.

I would have shot him if I was there. I'll tell you that much. I would have pop, pop, pop, pop this ass. No problem. Like a fucking child shoplifting. Attention, LAPD. This is Hans Christman. I assume by now you have realized the futility of electoralism and that only direct action gets the goods. Unless you are planning on building dual power against us, I suggest you agree to our demands.

Oh, good. I love when terrorists have demands, said nobody ever. Now I'd like to turn it over to our senior undersecretary of terroristic demands, Bad News Hughes. The following demands are not negotiable. Number one, our comrades in arms must be released from prison. Seven members of the Wexit Liberation Front, five leaders of the Maoist Internationalist movement, and nine members of the Democratic Leadership Council. Number two, you must agree to remake HBO's Band or Brothers,

but this time our comrades get to play all the cool parts, except for Lieutenant Winters, who must be played again by Damien Lewis. Number three, helicopter to take us to the airport, where we will be given safe passage to Zimbabwe. And finally, an end to Christmas cheer forever. Thank you. You heard the man. When these demands are met,

the hostages will be taken to the helipad with us for transportation to the nearest hyperloop station, where you will be given further instructions. We have two hours to comply. Great. Yeah. Good talk. T'Challa? You still there? Yeah, I mean, all things being equal. I'd rather be in Hidden Lake, the middle of Minneapolis,

the crown of the 10,000 lakes, or a newly independent Alberta, but yeah, I'm here. The boys now have a pool going on you. What are the odds? You don't want to know. In fact, if you died, I'd make a lot of money right now. Enough to get a jet ski that I could hopefully get my dick sucked on. Well, I might as well just fucking kill myself then.

So what's your deal, man? Well, you responded to calls about slurs and even blue chews all night, and I didn't even get a pussy from it. Why aren't you doing all the regular cop shit? Why aren't you vaporizing a pit bull? I had an accident at the workplace. No shame in a law-rolling out. I mean, it happens to all of us from time to time.

No, I didn't shit myself. I didn't kill a kid, man. That's hard, brother. I had the chance. He was big for his age. He had a damn ray gun. It looked real enough. My body cam was malfunctioning wink-wink.

I could have gotten a medal, but I couldn't do it. My partner did. He got two months paid vacation. He's my boss now. It sucks. I just froze. And now I have to go get that bitch coffee and donuts all day? I still feel like shit.

He couldn't have known, man. Still hurts, though. Oh, yeah, and the FBI's here now, and they're taking over. They're pulling up now. Yeah, I'm chief of LAPD. I'm in charge here. What the hell is going on in this country? You want to gerrymander this population,

because they're all coming from a Marxist socialist society in background. What the hell is going on in this nation? People wake up, see through their nonsense, and through the media industrial complex. Toxic masculinity. I'm sorry, what? David, are we on schedule?

You know what? They may call us terrorists, but the real terrorists lives in Gillette Stadium in Foxboro in the owner's box, a man named Robert Kraft, the true leader of the plantation. David! On schedule, boss. Great. Now all we have to do is get all the hostages on the roof, wait for the FBI helicopter, blow the whole fucking building up,

and we skate away with all that sweet data for progress, and soon we'll be on a beach sipping my ties and pulling the strings in Washington like corrupt social Democrats. That does leave the problem of my band partner T'Challa. If only there was some way we could gain leverage over him and change the balance of power. Hold on. What's this? Turn up that TV.

Our sources have doxxed one of the hostages. We've got a DM, and as standard journalistic practice, we're going to broadcast the following information in the hopes that someone inside can use this information to their advantage. Again, we just want to reiterate that if someone gets hurt because of this, it's not our responsibility. It's not our job to educate you, except about things like this. Apparently, one of the hostages is one Amber Ali Frost,

who used to be a roommate to Felix Bederman McClain, the famous podcaster in New York City Cop. We know this because Felix has been posting on his Instagram that he's in there killing terrorists. His latest post was location tagged at 34th floor Duct Data for Clout Building. Again, the mysterious hero is Felix Bederman McClain, who has a personal connection to one of the hostages,

Amber Ali Frost. She sounds kind of hot. Oh, are we still on? Fuck. Hot dog. God bless the fake news media. You there, D'Challa? I'm here to stop you, baby.

They're standing on the hostage up to the roof. FBI's going to try to gunship the terrorist apocalypse now style. Oh, that's fucking sick. They fucking rocks, honestly. Look, as sick as it is, I have a bad feeling about this. And just in case I don't make it, which I definitely will. I'm in the top 1% of hostage savers. I'm ranked internationally in it.

I'm definitely the best 30-year-old doing it. But just in case I don't, I want you to tell Amber, I know we've been podcasting together for a long time, but this is something I never thought I'd say to anyone, ever, for epigenetic reasons. She can keep the $500. I don't really need it. I'm moving to Minneapolis anyway.

I can get, like, a 50,000 square foot house there for $45,000. For real, anyway. It's fine. For real? Are you fucking serious, dude? Yeah, I don't really want to be here, anyway. My back hurts. Feet, like, I have flat feet.

And just being on the Maldives, the whole fucking thing, I've been up for going on double-digit amounts of hours right now. What are you doing after this? I don't know, vaping, playing video games, warming up Pillsbury grand rolls, and poking a hole in the middle, putting a little catch up, or maybe, I don't know, Mayo, depending on how I'm feeling

and pretending it's a woman's pussy who I respect and who respects me. Stuff like that, regular guy stuff. Can I come live with you? Hell yeah, dude, that would fucking rock. Sweet, just up to the big man upstairs if I make it out. Oh, fuck, upstairs. Wait, I gotta warn some people about the roof.

Are you there, Mr. Black Panther? Because I have someone here who wants to speak to you. Felix, don't give him the detonator. He's gonna kill all the hostages. That's right, Felix. Give those detonators or I'll give your former roommate, and you'll never get that security deposit back. Damn it.

Thank Felix, thank. All right, Hans, you win. But just so you know, I knew you were gonna do this. So I've already warned all the hostages who are Israeli citizens not to go to the roof. Ah, Hans, just as I predicted, the FBI has irresponsibly killed the local power grid, opening the final lock, just as I predicted,

the slave plantation called the New England Patriots shall now be liberated. Excellent, then grab that data and let's make our exit, David. Finally, with this data in our hand, progress will finally be ours. Our sway over the Democratic Party will be complete, and we'll be able to make the people accept any outcome. Of course. After all that radical posturing,

you're nothing but a lousy liberal. No, Ms. Frost, I am an exceptional liberal. I know the true power could only be held by working within existing party apparatuses and by accounting for institutional stakeholders. Social movements mean nothing to me, Ms. Frost. Nothing. Thank Felix, thank.

Gotta find Hans, gotta save Amber. Not so fast, Mr. Bederman. You killed my brother, Tony, of Nosgard. Wait, you're THE Carlo of Nosgard? Yeah, I finance my career as a melancholic novelist by doing international terrorism. Oh my god, you're amazing. That part in your book, where you spend a hundred pages

describing going to your brother's birthday party and feeling nervous because you thought the beer in your backpack had gotten too warm, but then it not being a big deal, but then wondering how much of your life you wasted worrying similarly, I fucking felt that. Thank you, by the way. I never heard my work so elegantly praised. No, man, I'm not gonna lie to you.

I know you're here to kill me and take the detonators. But I'll have you know I already set the charges because I was bored and boredom is my struggle. We are two kindred spirits separated by an insurmountable chasm of humanity. Yeah, no, let's blow up this roof together. It will be a welcome intervention in the crushing banality of existence.

I'll sit down with the president this afternoon for lunch. We're both sides trying to negotiate this border security which is a national important one. The fact that they're... That was sick. I never thought I would find somebody who understands the weight and the meaninglessness of existence, like I do. But I do need to kill Hans.

Yeah, I love you, Felix. I love you. Hans! Felix! Let the girl go, Hans! You curl. Okay, let me remind you I have a PhD in kindergarten studies so you will refer to me as Dr. Professor Girl Esquire.

Thank you. Drop the weapon, Mr. Bederman. It appears this time Spider-Man does not swing off into the sunset with lowest lane. Okay, that's the wrong fictional universes. You're a fucking moron. And I'm really more of a master chief type figure and she'd be a Cortana type person in this scenario.

No more jokes, Mr. Bederman. Ironic hatred is still hatred. Now stop doing harassment to me or she gets it between the eyes. Oh, so now you're the adventures. What is it you said to me? Wakanda forever, motherfucker? Well, guess what, pussy? I had another gun the whole time.

I've got like 40 guns and I have a kinetic black belt and all of them. Oh, damn, oh, no. Ah, fuck, ah, god damn it. No, no, you shocked me. That's right. Now I'm doing exactly the action that is being visually depicted, punching you through a window.

Oh, no, I'm out the glass window. You're holding me by my wristwatch, but I'm slipping anyway. My current iconic peril will really be hard to convey in an audio only medium, but it is happening to be for real. Oh, no, I'm falling. Ah, so much falling.

I'm still falling. What the hell? Jesus. Ah, this sucks. God, I really wish you'd just shot me in the head. I don't believe what anyone tells you. You're conscious the whole way down. Ah, god, I landed on my keys. Ah, shit, ah, fuck, ah, I'm dead.

God damn it, this sucks. It's okay, Amber, it's all over now. Yeah, sure. Yeah, save for the lifelong trauma of you killing my co-workers and throwing some of them out of a window in front of me. All right, fine, fine. Keep the fucking security positive, fine. Okay, well, we've already established that I'm not gay,

so I will just say that you're a very competent joke writer and you have perfect squat form. Ooh, god damn look everyone. A hard dick pimp is coming out of the building and it looks like he's got a part Chinese, bitch, with him. Woo-Doo! Stop, stop, it's me, Felix. We can finally be together.

Felix, it's me, Carl. I'm still alive and I feel more invigorated to write the next volume of magisterial series. Ow! You're owned, bitch. Stop, you just killed Carl Ove Nowscard. He's the world's greatest living writer. Uh, I think you mean Carl sucks Nobsguard.

I don't give a fuck about that motherfucker. He can struggle to suck my dick, how about that? Who fucking cares, dude? The important thing is I killed an unarmed man in front of all my friends in the LAPD. Now they know I'm cool. I mean, he was Norwegian, he probably just wanted to die anyway, I guess. Hey, was I supposed to be doing something through all of this?

Did something happen? There's a lot of debris and, uh, what have your bodies everywhere. I'm just playing Crusader Kings and doing ketamine in the parking garage this whole time. I'm good to drive, though. You guys want to go anywhere? Oh, brother, here we go again. It was December 24th on Hollis Avenue, the dark. When I see the man chilling with his dog at the park,

I approve the very story with my heart full of fear. Look at his dog, oh my God, it'll range here. My man, I was ill and killed a man at a bit and a bag full of pity, 12 o'clock at night. So I turned my head a second and the man was gone. Putting up the rubbish while it's back down on the lawns. I picked the wallet up and then I took a pause. Took out the lights and then the cold set Santa Claus.

A million dollars in the cold, hundreds of jeans. Another Bible magic car with ease. But I'd never steal for Santa, because that ain't right. So I was going home to manna back to him that night. But when I got home I bought, because under the tree was a letter from Santa and a dose of me. E, two, one. Oh, brother, here we go again.

Oh, brother, here we go again. I kind of like the second one.