Chart Music: the Top Of The Pops Podcast - Chart Music #75 (Pt 3): 15.8.74 – Could YOU Be Donny’s Bride?

Episode Date: December 12, 2024

Sarah Bee, Taylor Parkes and Al Needham continue their odyssey through one of the strangest TOTP episodes ever, with a right bunch of Egg n’ Chippers, a chance to see if you’re marriage material for Donny Osmond, a necessary blast of Dadisfaction, a foreshadowing of an advert 14 years from now, and the most Different Times incident we’ve ever come across... Video Playlist | Subscribe | Facebook | Bluesky | Twitter | The Chart Music Wiki | Patreon Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This will certainly have an adult theme and might well contain strong scenes of sex or violence, which could be quite graphic. It may also contain some very explicit language, which will frequently mean sexual swear words. What do you like listening to? Erm... Chart music. Chart music. Hey up you pop craze youngsters and welcome to part 3 of episode 75 of Chart Music. I'm your host Al Needham and before we tuck into the next part of

this insane episode at Top of the Pops, just want to say on behalf of everyone at chart music how fucking skill it is to be back after an absolute unwiped toss of a year. So before we move on let me just say one more time thank you very much to the pop craze Patreons who have stuck by us and waited patiently for us to feel ready and able to move on and also to everyone who has fired a kindly Thor our way in 2004 and that was a lot of you and will not forget it so let us rejoin the episode in progress. It's always nice to see another drummer having success. Of 19 places this week, number 29, Cruisy Power, Na Na Na.

Come on! Yeah! ["Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na the drummer of the band and the reason for the scream near the end of Donnie and Marie. He was taking his mark for this link. As he acknowledges his younger siblings, and I don't know about you chaps but I felt this, one question hangs thick in the air even after all these years. Jay, why is he so kissable? Because, once again, I have to return to the greatest piece of literature ever written about the arts, the 1974 Music Star Annual, where they set their finest journalistic minds on that very subject. And here's what they came up with if you'll allow me. His wild personality, which is unpredictable.

You'll never know what he'll do next. The way he calls you up early in the morning to wish you a beautiful day. The way he likes you for being you, rather than someone you're not. His interest in religion and the Book of Mormon, which is admirable for someone his age. We were all saying that about Muhammad Atta 20 or so years ago, weren't we? The way he invites you to dinner at his house for his mom's delicious home cooked meals. His readiness to smile in tough situations without ever letting things get him down. The way he respects your family and your beliefs and never tries to change them around.

The fact that he always abides by your parents' requests and never brings you home too late from a date. The way he opens doors for you at all times and always shows courtesy and manners. The way he tries to write to all his fans to show them how much he cares. His sneaky way of disguising his voice on the phone to see how long it takes before you recognise him. The way he does funny imitations of TV commercials and constantly keeps you laughing. It's frothy man. His accommodating ways and gentleness which always shows you he cares. I just want to stick my tongue down his throat right now after reading that.

His party trick, the trouser elephant. Jay tells us that, as a drummer, he feels especially gratified when one of his fellow protagonists of the sticks becomes successful in his own right, and when it starts too early he slightly stumbles over his introduction of Na Na Na by Cozy Powell. Born in Sirencester in 1947, Colin Flukes had his first experience with music when his auntie gave him a ukulele as a child and he responded by breaking the neck off it, ripping the strings off and playing what was left as a drum with some knitting needles. After playing the drums in the school orchestra at the age of 12, he joined his first band in 1962, The Chorals, who were based in the village of Latan and was part of their successful

attempt to break the world record of playing non-stop without playing the same song twice. It was at this time that he took on the name Cozy Pal, an amalgam of his favourite jazz drummer Cozy Cole and his adopted mother's maiden name. After leaving school he spent six months working in an office to save up for a premier drum kit and as soon as he got one he left to become a member of the semi-pro band The Sorcerers who took up a residency in Hamburg. In 1968, the band relocated to Birmingham, changed their name to Youngblood and put themselves

about on the Brombeet scene. And a year later, when Ace Kefford walked out of the move, they became the kens of his new band, the Ace Kefford Stand, and began work on an LP. But when Kefford had a breakdown and walked out half way through the sessions, the band split up, leaving Powell to pursue a session career. However, one of the musos drafted in on the Ace Kefford sessions was Jeff Beck, who was looking for a new band after the dissolution of the original Jeff Beck group are very much like the cuts of pals jib.

So he drafted him in and he stayed there for a couple of years. In 1972 he went back to the session work mainly with rack records for tracks by Suzy Quatro, Julie Felix, Donovan and Hot Chocolate. But in late 1973 he put out the single Dance with the Devil, a colossal nick of third stone from the Son by the Jimi Hendrix experience with Suzy Quattro on bass, which went all the way to number 3 in February of this year and the solo career was on. This is the follow up to The Man in Black which got to number 18 in June and features

his latest band, Cozy Pals Hammer. It entered the chart last week at number 48 and this week it soared 19 places to number 29. Panel, this is a bad week to be ahead. What with the Osmonds on telly every night and now be spoiling top of the pops. But one can imagine Lank Greasyhead snapping up from the angry letters being composed to Melody Maker at the sight of Cozy Pals and the sound of real music. But we discover very quickly that A. Cozy's got

pads on his drum heads that are as thick as the one Donald Trump has to wear nowadays. B. The words Cozy Pals hammer written on both bass drums. C. A band of absolute egg and chippers with Trevor Francis on guitar and D a bloody glam song Yeah, it is a glam song. I mean, it's the sound of it It's just more concrete covered heavy rock but sealed into a smaller box than was customary It's like this song is pure bubblegum It's obviously written to be a hit but it would be so much better if they've just gone all out and put a nice Squelchy synth on it, you know, or frankly a more limited drummer.

Because you compare this to the Glitter Band track and they're structurally quite similar. But the members of Cozy Pals Hammer and fans of Cozy Pals Hammer, if any, would probably say the difference is that this is real music or it's a bubble gum song being played as real music. Whereas the glitter band, it's just toy town rock, you know, which is kind of true, but that's not the point. The point is that this sort of song just sounds better when you play it that way rather than this way, right? This is like if Led Zeppelin did Son of My Father or Chickery Tip, days to confused. Cause it's kind of crunching heavy rock. He needs a bit of space to flap around, you know,

and tear off solos and lurch into massive crescendos. Cause that's what it does. That's what it's about. It can't do anything with a song like this, which is Football Terriers, Garage Punk, you know, it's like sham 69 being played by men who are both ludicrously overqualified and ill-suited to the task, you know. So really, this is far more guilty of being, you know, cynical, contrived, pop-pap, churned out to sell records and make money, man.

You know, this is more that than any honest, basic British stompers that just wants to be the best basic British stompers it can be. Definitely. It's still very kind of orally and visually overwhelming, this production. There's more strobing and this one. It's like, oh god, I'm so exhausted at this point. I just want to lie down under a pile of weighted blankets. But no, this is, I feel like this has more energy than the Glitter Band and it's got a bit more point on its pencil. They're still trying to lead some clapping, but there's clapping with extra stomping in snakeskin Chelsea boots, which is very impressive. As I suggested earlier, this is the second of the very, very footbally

records and can just imagine small boys singing this in the playground as they go about their disgusting small boy antics with mud and kicking, you know, and it really, yeah, it is all about the drums. That's kind of the point, you know, but I have to say, I don't feel it as a song of rebellion. If I'm honest, it doesn't come through to me in that know, but I have to say I don't feel it as a song of rebellion if I'm honest No, it doesn't come through to me in that way But like just for you it does serve I think as a ladle full of primordial punk soup You know, it suggests maybe a direction of travel

Yeah it's a song where the singer tells us that he doesn't want to degree or work in a factory because hey, this is 1974 and you still had choices, but neither does he want to be Breaking world records or record breakers or or joining a reformed lord rockingham's 11 for a tour Of cambodia or something whatever swap show at their end of year super group. It was always cozy powell on drums I seem to recall. Yeah, he was he was on the speed dial of BBC same way as B.A. Robertson. Yeah it was really odd. But he was always there always constantly playing music but just not really giving you

anything. Although I'm sure he appreciated Zeppo Osmond coming on at the start and equating himself with Cozy Powell because they're both drummers. I bet you love that. Do you think he tried to sidle up to Co cozy afterwards and talk to him about high hats and stuff like that? But musicians are weird like this right in terms of their solidarity drummers, especially it's like they're the goalkeepers of rock You know I mean they meet someone else who plays the same instrument and it's like bumping into someone from your hometown on holiday

and it's like bumping into someone from your hometown on holiday, to hell. Or a kid from your school that you don't really know or get on with. And then suddenly you're in a doctor's waiting room with them after school, or you're in the same judo class on a Saturday morning. And suddenly you get on, cause you're two souls from the same place in exile.

But I would have listened in to this Osmond Powell conversation because I don't really know how drummers talk to each other when there's no one else around right like I was in Morse code yeah exactly I was thinking the other day like you know professional mediums and psychics are often friends with other people who also do that job. But how do they talk to each other when it's just the two of them in a room together? Do they feel that they could be honest with each other and let their guard down? Or do they have to keep pretending

it's all real, even though both of them will know that they're both lying. Oh what a tangled web we weave. Oh I know it's kayfabe though you've got to you've got to maintain kayfabe. Yeah I don't know where it ends I don't know where the borderline is. I mean there's probably a good reason for Kissable J bigging up Cozy at the beginning because Cozy's got a rep for starting on folk backstage at top of the pop so from an interview with Bernie Marsden who is the Trevor Francis lookalike in this performance, in Classic Rock Magazine in 1999, we were at Top of the Pops when someone brought it to Cozy's attention that another of the bands had made a derogatory comment in Melody Maker. It was either the Rubettes or Show Waddi Waddae

about how Cozy was only a session drummer who couldn't play a note. Pal never said a word, just picked up the paper, found their dressing room, asked for the drummer and chinned him. But afterwards it was all sorted and he asked the bloke if he wanted a beer so there you go I checked this out and Cozy Pal never appeared on top of the pops we show Waddy Waddy so it has to be John Richardson of the Rubez who were number one the previous time Cozy appeared on top of the pops and John Richardson by the way is the drummer on Kung Fu Man by Ultra Funk so and I want a fan said, cozy pals chances Romeo

challenge Romeo would have fucking batted him. At least would have gone past the first round. Definitely. But all's been forgiven because cozy is actually going to be representing top of the pops in a special event in a few weeks time. Article in the Seven Oaks Chronicle dated August 31st. Disjocies go on circuit. Brands Hatch have organised another day of racing by top disc jocies and pop stars on September 8th. This time two teams will be competing against each other with Cozy Pals leading a team of stars. And have a guess who's leading the team of disc jockeys? Nole Edmonds.

Nole Edmonds leading the team of disc jockeys in a 10 lap race around the full circuit. The top of the Pops team includes members of the Glitter Band, the Hollies and the Wombles as well as Bill Cotton, head of BBC Light Entertainment. The racing disc jockeys include Dave Lee Travis, John Peel, Roscoe and Paul Burnett. So there we go, more work heaps on Nolg's plate. We can talk about this record. Yes.

I mean, this is the big curved pad of fat around the side of the pork chop that is second tier mid 1970s British rock, you know what I mean? It's not so much the who, more the why. Like you wouldn't say that this was a bad record, I mean I wouldn't anyway, but beyond the obvious financial motive, there's a fundamental pointlessness to this, right? It's like a hard rock nursery rhyme. It's quosy,ell, isn't it? Yeah, my bloke described this as Plod Stewart. Oh, even better. There's a sort of hamster on the wheel feel

to this, right? Yes. It's like watching an Olympic thousand metre runner just running up and down the stairs in his own house. Do you know what I mean? It's like this is a natural musician who has to keep playing for his own sake and you just wish he had something worthwhile to play. But the trouble with Cozy is he was one of those spare parts who was in a million bands over the years. Really, really good musician without a coherent creative voice or a settled group of other musicians he could stick with but he just kept playing and playing like with a rotating cast of other old lags it's like oh I'll be in

Richard Blackmore's Rainbow for a few years or Michael Schenker or Richard Breyer's Rainbow yeah might as well be yes I'll replace Carl Palmer in ELP for a few years so they don't have to change the name of the band right it's no surprise that he was mates with Jeff Beck, the ultimate example of that. So talented but drifting so much he never got anything down. You just want to say, you two, get a bass player who can write a tune and fucking get on with it. But no, he's got to assemble some group called Cozy Powell's Fortified Serial with Roger Glover and someone out of Coliseum for a club tour of Austria.

Who gives a fuck? And this band, I mean, it's nice to have a sharp visual contrast with the fucking Osmonds, but my God, what a bunch of hatch hatchet faced STD dispensers. I'm not a fan of this singer who looks like a cross between B.A. Conterson and David Hess in The Last House on the left. His singing is okay in a sort of sub-Bond Scott kind of way but I can't bear his stage movements which are just stomping from one foot to the other like a toddler that needs a piss while pumping one fist over his head like Trump when he got shot in the ear. An injury for

which he might have been even more grateful had he been watching this episode at top of the pops at the time. Yeah he reminds me very much of violent Mork in Nazareth. Yeah yeah yeah yeah. He reminds me of that cump from Nazareth. Don't mean Jesus, I mean you know. But on guitar there, Bernie Marsden, who was a local hero when I used to live in the sticks, for a few years as a teenager I lived in North Bucks, which is the the yoke all bit Buckinghamshire is a long vertical County the chilly of South India is it is yeah, and the county town of Aylesbury is right in the middle and Everywhere south of Aylesbury is posh Oh millionaire London dormitory towns right like millionaires row and everywhere above Aylesbury is or used to be yoke halls and farm houses and post

war rural social housing and new build lower middle-class housing in the States it was a weird jumble of rich and poor and middling right but some of the little villages were very expensive and exclusive and in one of those could be found Bernie Marston, born in Buckingham, best known for later being in Whitesnake, but he's on this record and he's in this clip looking as ever like Elizabeth the First at a Deep Purple gig, moon-faced but amiable and if you lived in that area in the late 80s and early 90s and you played music in any capacity, he was sort of around.

Not necessarily physically there, but people in music shops and rehearsal rooms would refer to him like the God of the mountain. You know, oh, Bernie Marsden came by last week, you know. He was the closest thing to a rock star in the area. So I think just having him around was like when you live somewhere obscure and your town gets mentioned on TV.

Yeah, it's like fame compared to what you said. I never met him. I never got past the velvet rope, but it used to fascinate me how small a pond has to be before you can be considered a big fish And then I grew up to write for Melody Maker But at least while Bernie was in Whitesnake, he co-wrote loads of the songs which became American hits So he could afford his enormous house in Tingewick or wherever it was he lived so he could afford his enormous house in Tingewick or wherever it was he lived. So Shrooder than Cozy, who was the drummer in Whitesnake

for a couple of years and then fucked off. And you can't do that restless, rootless, moving on, traveling man kind of thing when you're a drummer. It's not good for you. It's not good for the bands that you wander through. Just join a group, be the best drummer for that group. Get to know the bass player, get a musical understanding. So whatever you play sounds good, even if it's crap.

Otherwise what's the point of being a technically good musician? You might as well play football terrorist garage punk like this for the rest of your life. You know, just being an odd job man is shit. Just concentrate, just hold it down, concentrate. As for the performance, it's fair to say that they've absolutely spunked all over the jumpers, haven't they?

Because like the Glitter Band, they've elected to mime the single, but unlike Gary's gang, this lot are supposed to be serious musicians and as I've said you know it's mine from the very first second because we see Cozy's drums absolutely forstude with pads and here's the problem with the setting of this episode because when a band's in the usual top of the pop studio you accept that they're going to mime and it just washes over you and the acts are also performing directly at you, the viewer, so there's loads of tight shots and eye

contact and you accept the premise and you go with it but here on the stage of a theatre with different camera angles this singer doesn't know who the fuck is supposed to be performing to and they just look massively fake right from the off. I mean we are gonna see other bands and acts on this episode handle the situation properly, but not here and not now. Also however disappointing this song is, it's even more disappointing that it doesn't end properly. Yeah. Like it fades out. I hate a live fade out. Why? End your song. Songs needs ends. I mean, especially a song like this,

which is again, very slight, but at least has some kind of width of gumption about it. Some sort of proto-punk energy. It needs everyone on stage to stop with a stomp at the same time on the last now. Like how hard can it be? This is one of the treats of going to see a band live or listening to a live album. You get endings. You get to hear how they've decided to bring

this piece of music to a close and it's really interesting and satisfying. Yeah, whenever the miming fades out on top of the pops, it always looks to me like the band are in someone's bedroom rocking out in front of the mirror and then man barges in with an armful of freshly laundered pants asking if you and your mate want some cobs. And you can just see some of the band members just bowing their heads in shame and you know one or two of them will put their hands in the air and try and style it out but you just get this feeling of embarrassment that we've been found out and that feeling's only being

amplified by the setting of the BBC theatre, I'm afraid. Bad skits. Yeah, I've got an ending for you, Cosy. How about this? Na na na na na na na na na! How about that? It feels quite natural to me. End it properly, like a high-speed car crash.

Ooh, Taylor. Surely it's more effort to fade it out than not. I mean, I know it's just Top of the Pops and they have a tight schedule and stuff but songs just... Yeah there's no such thing as just Top of the Pops, it's Top of the fucking Pops mate. I'm sorry I should show more respect after all this time. Yes. But the point is that songs just petering out with a band just kind of gradually ceasing to move around and the music fading and you can see that happening. It's just, it's just depressing.

Like it's too reminiscent of real life and the way that things tend to go, you know, not with a bang, not with anything, just with the camera turning away from you and the show kind of pottering on without you. It's too much like death. I don't want death in my top of the box. I don't want strobe editing. I don't want Osmonds. I don't want cozy pole.

I want some chips hot from the chip pan on a plate with some HP on the rug by the electric fire and fuck it a Morecombe and Wise clip show under the searing yet comforting eye of the big light. That's what I want, not this. So the following week Na Na Na jumped another nine places to number 20 and continued a slow pull upward, eventually spending two weeks at number 10 in September. However, he knocked the band and the session work on the head in late 1974 and after an attempt to form a power trio with ex-members of Humble Pie fell through, he announced his intention to quit the music biz and have a dream on

a silver dream machine and become a motorbike racer. But in late 1975, he was tempted by Richie Blackmore to join his new band, Rainbow, and he stayed with them for the rest of the decade. After he got pissed off with Rainbow's pop direction, he left the band in 1980 and spent the 80s linking up with Graham Bonnet, the Michael Schenker group, Whitesnake, Emerson Lake and Powell, Gary Moore and Black Sabbath. Fucking hell, why didn't he join Manslaughter? They needed a drummer. And in 1986, he appeared on Record Breakers playing 400 different drums in a minute. He spent the early 90s in Brian May's post Queen band before drumming for Ingui Malmsteen,

John N Twissell and Peter Green but he died in 1998 on the M4 outside of Bristol at the age of 50. Alright! Alright! That's Cozy Pal and Na Na Na. You know, I really enjoyed rehearsal this afternoon, man. It was fantastic. It was just me and five beautiful girls. And here they are, PEN's people dancing this week's number three sound, the stylistics, and you make me feel brand new.

Alright! Alright! Says Neil Kinnock in an arena in Sheffield 18 years from now. Actually, it's Donny Osmond who outreduces Cozy Pal as we cut to the balcony to witness a sea of girls carrying on while a floor manager in a pink and grey shirt tries to calm them down. Yeah, he's like one of those idiots doing the Poznan. Do you know what I mean? He's got his back to the stage. Look at all that the total non-response to football references at live shows should really have made me understand by now our audience are bad at games and do not get this stuff yes they're a very vest and pants audience but we love them yeah but he's trying to stop them hurling themselves across the gulf between themselves and an osmond when when you look at them clearly what they're actually

thinking is just, oh, I know Donnie would like it if I made some drop scones and put them in a Tupperware box for him. And the terrible thing is he probably would have done when they were thinking, so would I. Donnie then tells them that he really enjoyed the rehearsal this afternoon because he got to knock about with five beautiful girls. They're very keen to get Donny to say that he likes girls. Yeah, but it's a bit disturbing because he says, you know, I really enjoyed rehearsal this afternoon, man. It was fantastic. It was just me and five beautiful girls.

And it was just me and four beautiful girls. Then three. No, but seriously, why was it just him and Pan's people? Where was everybody else? How was this allowed to happen? Yeah, where's Robin Nash when this is going on? I want to. Yeah, but they felt very safe in there with a religious fanatic. Disgrace.

After the squealing dies down, he introduces those girls for they are pants people and they'll be dancing to You Make Me Feel Brand New by The Stylistics. We last covered Black Chairman Mao and his soft lad mates in Chart Music No. 41 when they took 16 bars to No. 7 for two weeks in September of 1976. But this, their sixth hit in the UK, has ratcheted them up into the big league. It's the follow-up to Rocking Roll, baby, which got to number six in February, and it's the first cut from their new LP, Let's Put It All Together, which came out in May. It entered the chart five weeks ago at number 44 and began a deliciously slow upward pull,

and this week it's nudged up one place from number 4 to number 3. Due to the nature of this week's show, film footage is a definite no-no, so the responsibility of emoting to it falls once more upon the shoulders of the people of Pan which means that finally we get a chunky slab of dad-isfaction. Oh, that's very much needed, isn't it, at this time? Poor dad, eating his tea on his lap, having to listen to non-stop screaming from the telly and possibly from his daughters. Not fair to dads man. That's lovely ladies. Well we'll get to the routine and the song and everything later but there's one question I really need to ask first. Sarah. Go on.

Go on. Could you be Donny's bride? That's the question that's currently being prepared by Music Star, the magazine that never dodges the issues of the day for their 1975 annual. Next to a full page doctored photo of Donnie in a morning suit and a bride with a face cut out making it look as if Donnie's just married a monster out of monk hair. Quote Imagine it. The church bells ringing. Your mum and dad on one side of the aisle and the Osmonds on the other. Donnie standing by your side at the altar and the priest asking you if you will take Donald Clark Osmond to be your lawfully wedded husband.

Could it be you ever? Is it possible Sarah? Try our quiz and find out. Donnie set the questions himself when we last spoke to him on the phone. Did he? Music's not one fucking lie to anyone, Taylor. How dare you? Okay, Sarah, are you ready? Do you like large families?

I kind of like to keep myself to myself. Yes or no? You know, no. Do you think your husband should be allowed a certain amount of freedom or should you spend all your time together? A. He should be free. B. He should share his life with his wife. Hmm. You see, that's kind of a complicated issue isn't it, but let's go A.

In this case does that mean having other wives as well or had they stopped all that by now? Yeah that's fine you know. Do you expect him to help around the house? I mean I've got my way of doing things really, probably just get in the way, so let's say no. I've got my way of doing things really probably just get in the way So let's say no would you be jealous if you married into a very close family? No or a little This is getting dead that the format of this quiz is it's all over the shop isn't it well Complicated man is done it I feel like I'm being manipulated. Also I've forgotten the question. Would you be jealous if you married into a very close family? No. No? Good. No I'm good. Do you

like travelling or would you rather stay at home? Well you know since I know this is you know I have to transport myself back to 1974 when indoor air was still disgusting but in a different way. But knowing what I know now about the state of indoor air, no, I'm going to stay at home where I can control my environment. Would you expect Donny to place you above all his fans? Of course. Does money mean a lot to you? Yes. Do you prefer the a lot to you? Yes.

Do you prefer the country to the city? Yes. Do you love Donny? Yes or most of the time? I did not sign up for this. Okay, I'm going to put that down as most of the time then. Most of the time. And finally, would you be prepared to take on the Mormon faith?

in court Um I'll lie and say yes for the sake of argument. It's just it's just words, isn't it? Right? Now you can tot up your answers Oh, if you got more than seven eight answers, then Donnie thinks you just might be the girl for him. And I'm afraid to say Sarah you only got 4 out of 10 A so sorry Doc, no Donnie for you. Why wasn't one of those questions, do you mind inevitably sometimes clashing teeth when you kiss. So that means Sarah that where it says underneath this questionnaire, if you dig out a photograph

of yourself, you can stick it into the space we've left for you and you can marry Donnie right now. Sorry Sarah, I can't allow it. Sadlet, the original owner of the annual, only got six, eh, so no Osman wedding for her either. So, song or dance? Daddy or chips? Oh, we got back on the stylistics now, back on the podcast. Okay. Because you might think at first this is gonna be a very tough gig for Pans people, you know, on a big bare stage in front of a load of underage knickerwetters,

but I'm guessing the vast majority of that audience would fucking love to be in Pans, people, and are watching this performance with the same rap tour as 10-year-old lads watching Kevin Keegan being interviewed with all blood running down his arm after that bike accident in Superstars. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But it just looks like the best job in the world. Yeah.

You get to dance and you get to knock about with pop stars Yeah, it's not a bad gig You know you have to deal with Dave Lee Travis and his horrible ilk But you know they can keep themselves on a big stage though They don't have to sort of talk and they don't have to do links so they don't have to suffer The kind of creepy arm around the shoulder arm around the shoulder. We've seen that a few times though haven't we? Yeah, not half.

The thing is, it's hard to really talk about Pans people there, because it's almost like you hardly see them. They're just these ladies swirling in long frocks to this woozy sweetness, right? You could just close your eyes and be somewhere else in some other better year. Because when this record is playing, it's hard to kind of do anything that gets anybody's attention just because of the opiate-like qualities of this track. I was listening to it thinking, imagine how plush the carpets in the studio must have been when they recorded this. Just amazing.

It was another one of those records that you'd still hear a lot when I was a kid like a couple years later They were still playing it on the radio You'd hear it in the sunshine like phasing in and out on the breeze as you lay on the grass with your eyes closed You know by the open-air swimming pool in highly as you Whittle down a hole about half a mile away. But you didn't know that. So it's just early psychedelic experiences, you know, at a young age, like floating around in that sort of hypnagogic state

between waking and dozing, just out in the open air, looking into the clouds and letting your brain do whatever it was doing, which is why when I got around to finding out about hallucinogens it interested me because it all sounded so familiar from being a kid and zoning out in the summer lying on a towel with the grass at ear level and me listening in you know and so I went down that tube and eventually realized that as well as being

quite dangerous, LSD wasn't actually a very constructive or useful drug because it only generates unmanageable versions of the same experiences you used to create in your own brain. So what I'm saying here really is people who take LSD are pathetic. Why can't they just eat a bit of ordinary paper and use their imagination? But yeah music that I heard in that kind of woozy state or that I now associate with that kind of state is already associated in my head with the ethereal and when as in this case the actual record sounds maximally ethereal it becomes quite hard to discuss it in words,

the same way it's hard to measure a bubble with a ruler. Even by trying you might destroy it and end up with nothing left to measure or discuss. But yes, this record really is like what you thought the inside of clouds might be like before you got on an airplane and flew into them and Realized that all they are is wet. I Mean you may not have noticed the pants people tale about I fucking After all the juvenile yet It's just like oh my god real women on the teller and I don't know how the audience are reacting to this because we don't see it but fucking I went Cherry Gillespie started playing with her ear and looking personally at me man I fucking started screaming and

if I had time I would have got me knickers off and thrown them at the teller. Four mate! Yeah they are sort of vision in this kind of flowy peach satin and chiffon and they're amazing silver platforms. It is one of their more abstract performances. They're not really trying to, it's an atmospheric thing. It's a flance about, isn't it? Yeah. So they're just kind of gently writhing about. But because this song was used in adverts

for laundry products in the eighties, so of course that's unfortunately what comes up. Biotech's stain remover. Yes, you make me feel so clean deep down, it's true. I thought, oh wouldn't it have been fun if Pan's people had all clambered out of a giant front loading washing machine, all covered in suds and then just kind of rolled around in them for a few minutes. That would have been great also because they could each have been dressed as an item of laundry like Babs Lord could have been a sock, you know, and Dee Dee Wilder, giant pair of white fronts

and maybe Cherry Gillespie could be a giant bra. I mean to me this is the performance that really exposes the limitations of recording top of the pops in a theater because Pants people they're used to performing in a compact space and you know They have their bits and bobs in the scenery around them But the quick change nature of this episode means that they don't get any scenery Bar a few flats and some silver and white strip cars and the overall effect is they're performing in a bingo hall I mean the only dancers that are going to be able to fill a stage this big are Dougie Squire's second generation because there's 20 of the fuckers all the sort of tumbling act that you used to see on the good old days and

I don't know about you, but I don't think Pan's people launching each other off Seasaw's is gonna capture the mood of this song Do you? Yeah, and there's not a lot they can do anyway, just because of the tempo of this record which might politely be described as dreamy Basically, it's really really slow and it's designed for slow dance and it's not designed for this kind of dancing and it's designed for slow dancing, it's not designed for this kind of dancing. But if it was just a couple of BPM faster, it wouldn't have that unearthly drift and woos, which is the thing that's so great about it.

It just moves, it doesn't walk or run or drive or fly. It just moves like a loved up glacier. Yeah, it just hangs there. Yeah, there's no attack anywhere in this. There's not even much of a pulse, but it sweeps you along the whole time. There's a sense of motion. It's just slow motion.

It's the same kind of unreal movement as those old vocal records. Like, you know, I only have eyes for you by the flamingos. It's definitely an update of that sort of thing. This strange sense of urgency and progression without velocity and everything just sublimating. And you know, in 1974, that's about as close to heaven as you're going to get without mandrakes. I'm kind of ambivalent about this tune really because... What?! Really? Okay it sounds bad here because this 50 year old recording of it

playing through the speakers in the theatre. You can't hear all of the washing strings underneath it's just like falsetto and sitar. It's weirdly kind of under-simulating after the kind of over-stimulating stuff that has come before it, you know. So it's just in the context of this. It's not the best way to hear this song. I know exactly what you mean but it doesn't bother me because that heavy sort of mushed compression makes it sound more like it did coming through a transistor radio at a high swimming pool in 1978.

That's the thing. It goes into your brain in a very, very particular way, clearly. By the way, LSD only really stirs up stuff that's already there, but it's just a side note. Also, I've said this before, I'm sure, but it blows my mind that people just take mushrooms when they're 15 because there's nothing else to do where they live. It's like, you're not ready. You're not ready. Wait until your brain is about done in your sort of mid twenties at least. In other words, Sarah, just say no.

I'm doing the hand, I'm doing the hand move. It's about finding that window between being too young to handle it and being that age where just molten terror is pouring through your mind every day. That doesn't go well with it either. Anyway, you may have noticed that there's no Louise Clark anymore because she left three months ago to start a family, but her replacement is none other than Suman Mhenik, the golden thread which links Pans People, Ruby Flipper, Legs and Co and Flick Colby's Zoo together because she did make one appearance as a zoo wanker in December of 1981. So fucking hell, there ought to be a statue of her somewhere.

In the corner of the BBC theatre. No. And you have to say that whatever they're doing on this drafty stage in front of weenie-boppers is a fucksite better than their current side hustle. Because like the DJs, Pants People are coining it in on the side but... Article in the Coventry Evening Telegraph this October. Pants People will star again. Pants People, the television dancing group, will be among the stars at a Coventry charity evening for the second year running. With...

Comedian Bernard Manning, star of The Comedians and Will Tappers and Shunters, they will take part in an all-star gala evening at the Hotel Liefric, with proceeds going to the Coventry Paediatric Assessment Centre. The gala evening, for men only, is being organised by the Coventry Three Spires Roundtable, who last year invited Pan's people to star in a similar event. And a pair of panties given by one of the girls raised £54 when they were auctioned for charity. Mr Ken Squires, the Coventry businessman who bought the panties, has already ordered his ticket for this year's Gala evening, but

he says he will not be bidding for any underwear this year. It's taken almost a year for my wife and I to be on speaking terms again. I'll be bidding for more conventional goods this year. Ken Squires, you dirty bastard. You know, that's £497.43ence in today's money it was for the kids though See what Ken Squires of Coventry needs to do now is to buy Bernard Manning shitted up pants as a gift That's all everything now. They will no longer be on speak in terms if his wife ever puts them in the wash. Yeah

She's gonna put their stiffers aboard Ken some in the wash. Yeah. She's gonna put their stiffers aboard Ken. Is this the optimum time to uh impart my dirty knickers story? Oh god. I'll take that as a yes. So I'm working at Television X in the mid 90s and one day they booked in a very well known page three model of the 80s who I'm not going to name as she's still kind of in the public eye. And she was there to do some IDs and links for the station. And she was fucking skill. Anyway, we get chit chat in between takes and I ask her what she's up to nowadays and she says, oh, you know, I do a bit this and that, but tell you where the real money is at the minute mate. Dirty knickers.

And I'm like, oh really? He says, yeah, I'm selling mine 40 quid ago, fucking scores of them a week, they're just flying out the door. So I say, you know, how, how? What's the creative process? You know, is it artisan? And she looks at me as if I've gone out and she says, no, of course it fucking isn't. What she did was she'd order in boxes of seconds from Marks and Spencer's and every Sunday afternoon she'd put one on a coffee table, put on the EastEnders omnibus, get a tin of anchovies, dab them round the gusset and stick them in an envelope. You sound strangely disappointed, Taylor. Like them old women on Antiques Roadshow when they found out their knick-knacks on were shit.

It sounds very on the nose for want of a better word. So I asked her and I said, haven't you been caught out yet? And she just grabbed my arm and looked me dead in the eye and said, do you honestly think that the men who buy these things know what a real woman smells like? And I was like, ah, yeah. Yeah. So there you go. So in that case, why not pick something

that didn't smell like anchovies? I don't know, mate. Is it just for her own amusement? Fucking hell, that's so depressing. Not for her, though. She made a fucking fortune out of it. Yeah, yeah. Well, I have if I could? Well what could you use Taylor as a man?

What is the problem? Stilton. I mean AI will help you here, you can just create an avatar, you know, and sell to a whole new generation of men who've never been with women. Anything else to say, please. Hearing this song in this way, it is a bit like riding a tandem with your true love through a field of daisies, but the seat is so unforgiving that the discomfort is occupying around 70% of your conscious awareness, just hovering around the line at which bliss becomes scientifically

non-achievable. And at this point in the episode, you know There's gonna be screams at some point usually near the end and you're just bracing yourself for it, aren't you? It also just made me want to listen to Didn't I Blow Your Mind by the Delphonics, which I think is superior But I don't know enough to say these things, but I like it more. It's another sort of very stately Record it's got loads of space in it but it's got this real weight of strings and horn and there's delicate little xylophone twinkles. That's what you want in your Philadelphia soul. You want that kind of everything sounding like sad Christmas

in that kind of motowny way. Christmas at the orphanage. Yeah and also then what I put on the playlist after this was After the Love Has Gone by Earth, and Fire. My mate Rod Reem Arsden who's a musician and writer did a brilliant breakdown of precisely how and why that record is amazing and I'm trying to find it to put in the playlist. Actually Christmas at the Orphanage is quite cheerful isn't it because Roy Race always turns up with the rest of Melchester Rovers and there's usually like this big Christmas present shape thing with a button on it right in the middle of the hall and Roy always volleys the ball and hits the button just so and everything opens up and there's loads of toys for everyone so

I don't know. Christmas in a care home and you've just had your dinner and you look out the window and a burger van with get Brexit done written across the side is just pulled on and you know what the entertainment's going to be this afternoon. and a burger van with get Brexit done written across the side is just pulled on. And you know what the entertainment's gonna be this afternoon. There you go. So the following week, You Make Me Feel Brand New nipped up another place to number two, kept off the top by this week's number one. The follow up, Let's Put It All Together,

spent two weeks at number 9 in November and they went on to boss the mid 70s with 8 hit singles, 7 of which made the top 10 and 1, I can't give you anything, getting to number 1 for 3 weeks in 1975. Diminishing returns set in after Disco started putting itself about, but they're still going today as a three piece with one original member. Ariane Love, the one who looks like a murderer. And as we've mentioned, the song gained a new lease of life in 1983 when it was used in an advert for Biotech's, the only specialist soaker and pre-washer with the power to loosen everyday dirt.

Even stains like blood, sweat, gravy and egg, gently with no bleach. An anchovy. God bless me with you. You make me feel brand new. Woo! You make me feel brand new A beautiful tune. In fact, we do it in our act. You know, Britain seems very good at producing groups who write their own material. And right now we have a fine example of that. That's right. Steve Harley and the reform cockney rebel with Mr. Soft! After more screaming, we're introduced to Alan Osmond, the oldest one who is now all of 25, who makes a schoolboy error of clapping his hands while holding the mic.

Did you notice there was a lot less screaming when he took his mark? Maybe that's because he's the latest Osman to have taken himself off the market as he he got married and he's gonna be celebrating his one month anniversary tomorrow. Do you know who's going out with before this did my head in? No. Karen Carpenter. Oh carpenter oh yeah I was gonna say actually when Donnie and Marie were on it really makes you appreciate the Carpenter he then has the absolute fucking brass neck to say that was

pans people with the stylistics version of you make me feel brand new a beautiful tune in fact we do it in our act. Is there a fucking song Alan? Alan- Yeah we do it in our act yeah and I painted a fence once just like Rembrandt. It's like me saying that was Christina Aguilera's version of Dirty I do it every Sunday night at karaoke with all the moves and everything ridiculous. He then tells us that Britain is dead good at producing bands who can write their own material, unlike the fucking Osmonds most of the time, as he introduces Mr. Soft by Cockney Rebel. Wait, wait, wait, wait. This is weird because he says, you know, Britain seems very good

at producing groups who write their own material. It's a really strange thing to say because 1974 is really the first time in 10 years that that's not just been the norm. For the past decade, even groups as poppy as the monkeys, it was like, no, you've got to write it yourself. You've got to play it yourself. Even the band thought that, but now this is 1974. This is the first time in a decade that that's easing and the kids don't care who write the songs.

To mention T-Rex yet again, it was always important to T-Rex's appeal that Mark Boland's music was the product of Mark Boland's brain. That was part of the spell. But it's faded and whatever links the Osmonds or Rollers fans to the Osmonds or Rollers has got nothing to do with any of that. So he's talking shit. Formed in London in 1972 by John Crocker, formerly of the folk rock band Trees, and Stephen Nice, a former journalist for the East London Advertiser who changed his name to Steve Holler, who used to busk with Crocker in the late 60s, Cockney Rebel played their first gig at the Roundhouse supporting

the Jeff Beck group and were signed to EMI after a mere five gigs. Their debut single, Sebastian, was put out in August of 1973 and although it failed to chart over here, it got to number 2 in the Netherlands and number 1 in Belgium. Even though they'd firmed up the tracklist for their second LP, The Psychomodo, EMI was leaning hard on them for a single that would get them into the charts. Fishing through the unused demos for the debut LP, he pulled out a song called Judy Teen, which was recorded in late 1973, but held back when the label decided to re-release

Sebastian. It was eventually put out in March and got into the top 40 on the same week that their next single, Psycho Modo, was released, leading EMI to pull it in the UK until Judy Teene dropped out of the charts. But it didn't, spending a month there and eventually getting to number five in mid-June. By the time the LP was put out again, Cogni Rebel were undergoing a 42-date UK tour and having to deal with a brand new audience who didn't give a toss about their new material and went berserk when Judy Teen was played and by the end of it all members of the band

Bar 2, Harley and the drummer Stuart Elliott walked out to become session musicians. While Harley was casting around for a new band, EMI put this out, the second cut of Sorts from the Psychomodo, and it entered the charts last week at number 39. This week it soared 16 places to number 23, and here he is with a pick-up band of session musos laying it down on the teeny boppers. Ooh, and here we go chaps, one of our bands who have no doubt prostituted themselves by deigning to appear on this charade of a show. But you've got to say they seem to be enjoying the absurdity of it all, don't you think?

It's always hard to tell because he's a strangely graceless man, Steve Harley. Or was. Always seemed quite bitter and sour about things. Which is a bit odd considering how well rewarded he was for a relatively modest talent. I mean if he was around today he'd have to have a day job as well. He should have been more grateful. I mean to be fair Taylor, most people with any degree of talent have to have a day job now don't they? I mean I think, controversially,

I think Steve Harley was quite an interesting guy with a bit more than a modest talent. He looks very comfortable on stage. He is goofing off, clearly, but not in the needy, awkward way that you often see with British musicians. I feel like this is where the episode actually gets going. There's something interesting going on with the song. It knows it could be annoying. So it just tamps everything down. It keeps its elbows tucked in and doesn't go full wackadoo. It does go bonk and ting and whoop, but it very deliberately stops short of going boi-oi-oi-oi-oi and wub-wub-wub-wub. All of a sudden this episode's gone proper whistle test, hasn, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I,

I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, weird everyone getting ready for prom scene where they're trying on tuxedos and the music's like wah wah wah wah wah wah. I can imagine this playing in that tuxedo shop and in that scene. And I don't know about this but I think they might well be the first band to play live. Yeah.

Because there's no violins, there's no Star Trek Death Race sound effects, there's no Mike Sam singers, there's no Nick of the March of the Gladiators in the keyboard solos, but you know, we do get Harley pretending to chuff a spliff when he sings we'll all be taking off tonight. So naughty. He's also chewing gum, isn't he, for extra insouciance, which apparently Steve Wright thought was very rude. Yeah, and I think he's enjoying the opportunity to perform in front of a load of bemused kids. Yeah. You know, when the next Osmond takes his mark and the screams go up again,

he's not angry, he's not Edmonds in it, he's just like, fuck you know, what are we doing? Yeah, I don't know. He looks like he's taking it well, but perhaps he's taking it a little bit too well. Perhaps that laughter is a little bit exaggerated. That's just how it looks to me, like he wants to suggest to you that he doesn't care that he's being upstaged. I don't know. It could be either. It could be either. You know, it occurs to me, we spend so much time on this podcast, speculating and reaching and stretching as to what is going on in the heads of pop

stars and presenters and making enormous assumptions. Oh, he's an asshole. Look at his asshole face. Yeah. Sometimes it's just fun speculation, but sometimes they give themselves away. Yeah, I don't know. I think he looks like he doesn't mind. He's had plenty of people screaming for him, you know, sort of quite recently. I never noticed before, he is a pretty bloke, isn't he? He's got an absurd amount of glitters filling his eye sockets and his face is very mobile and expressive, which looks great on telly, you know. He's obviously such an influence on Adamant as well, like the whole performance is very Pirate King, isn't it? Yeah, Cockney Rebel, they're clearly floating about in the vicinity of Bowie and Roxie round

about this time, but their last hit has changed everything and all of a sudden they're becoming a bit of a terrorist favourite and I think that's Dante Harley because he can pounce about with the best of them, but he also looks a bit fucking taster and someone you won't want to fuck about with. You know, you could easily see him as one of budgie's mates or Sweeney villain who's actually Reagan's informer And also like pants people that cockney rebel are probably enjoying the break from the usual live audience because as we mentioned They've just finished that massive UK tour

And it was crammed with incident the enemy interviewed the then members of the band who were clearly wrackled by their newfound popularity halfway through it. Quote, the only trouble with a hit single is that they only come for that said drummer Stuart Elliott. We'll play a whole set from the Psychomodo and the Human Menagerie and they don't really appreciate it but as soon as we play Judy Teen they go bloody mad. The trouble with this tour has been the cock up because of the single it went into the charts a week before we started the tour and it's going up and up and up it's what number five this week and if it gets any higher by the end of the tour

there's going to be a riot said violin is Jean Paul Crocker. We've had riots Literally riots every night last week. That's why Tony's here. He said pointing to the security guard We did a gig in York and there were bottle fights and we had a rough time of it in Newcastle But when I came off at York, I was in tears because we'd never seen that before I was in tears because we'd never seen that before. I mean when we talk about fan hysteria of the early 70s, you know, we always talk about 12 year old girls launching themselves over balconies to get a Donny Osmond, but it was also happening at proper gigs, you know, people were going to Roxy gigs all togged out like gal shows and 40s movies stars. There's riots in queues for faces gigs.

and 40s movie stars, there's riots in queues for faces gigs, people are beating the shit out of each other at who gigs and I've read an account of Ziggy Stardust farewell gig in Stardust where people are wanking in time to the music. By 1974 there are no passive audiences anymore. I feel really bad now because I just don't like Steve Ailey and Cockney Rebel. Okay, that's alright. You're going nuts for him. I just can't do it. Look and Cockney Rebel. Okay, that's alright. You're going nuts for him. I just can't do it. Look, obviously his best song is the one that, just this once, I'll obediently refer to as

Make Me Smile, brackets, come up and see me. But I can't really enjoy that because, despite how nice the music sounds, because he sings it in an impression of Bob Dylan, like only disguised by the fact that he's not doing the American accent, but the cadence and the weird inflections are all exactly the same. It's a little bit embarrassing because however deliberate that is, it automatically renders the whole thing second rate. And I don't know why people don't get that. Because we're stupid and we don't know anything. No, I mean people who sing songs in other people's voices. It's like, well, what do

you do? Do you think it's going to be as good? No, of course not. He's having a go at the Barra Knights now, Sarah. Fucking hell. And here it's like he's doing Ray Davis front-ending Roxy music or how that might be imagined in the mind of someone with less talent than either you know he's doing these sort of Kinks mannerisms in the vocal and he's got that bass line going boom boom boom boom like on Kinks records and the image that like glazed makeup look with the long hair at the back and grimacing and posing and screwing up his eyes it's just a straight rip of early Brian Ferry,

but without the charisma, right? It's terrible. The only Ferry this cunts on a par with is the one in Triangle. This is, I don't know. I'm just, I'm not convinced. That's the best way to put this. I don't hate it, I'm just not convinced.

Although he still looks better than that guitarist who's wearing a banana-colored shirt. He's got a banana-colored shirt, pale blue dungarees and a massive brown flat cap. Rod, Jane and Odette, if you will. My tolerance for this sort of antique, the way in which it's very mannered and arched, rises in direct correlation to the confidence and panache with which it's delivered. I mean up to a certain point, obviously up to a ludicrous point. On paper this song is unbearable to me but I find the reality of it really enjoyable. It's all bubbling with nous and wit and craftiness. It's a bit of a

peacock display of songwriting chops isn't it? There's a bit of all sorts in there. It's a bit of blues, a bit of ragtime, a bit music hall, a bit T-Rex, a bit Ian Durie. And it occurred to me you could easily transpose this to a cabaret setting. That very bendy note put me in mind of trust in me. I could imagine Marilyn Monroe doing it. Mr. Sol, turn around and force the world to watch the things you're going through. To be honest, I can't really imagine Marilyn Monroe calling anyone Mr. Sock. You're right, Sarah. It's been described in the enemy as Brechtian. And yeah, I immediately thought of Joel Grey and Cabaret doing this.

You see, I appreciate simple, straight up, basic songwriting of the sort that goes, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, you, you, you, you, of course. But I also appreciate faffy, fiddly, wickety, fuckery, needlessly flourishy songwriting like this. I think out of everything so far, stylistics aside, it's the only song that has survived. And that's not just because it was in an advert, it's because Steve Harley knew what he was doing and was driven to create work that would outlive him.

And sometimes when you are prepared to piss people off, the results will vindicate you, I think. He was evidently an uncompromising artist, I think, and he really puts that across, like he really broadcasts it. Like his whole persona here is just signaling, yeah, haha, I am a fucking nightmare. None of you will be able to stand working with me for very long. And when you leave, I will write a brilliant, joyous song about what a penis you are, and it will be on the radio until the end of time.

Yeah, I mean, you've already alluded to it, Sarah. And yeah, I have to admit, I never heard this song until 1987 for obvious reasons. Always assumed until stupidly recently that it was a jingle and nothing more and I thought the bloke was trying to be Bob Dylan and then I thought Oh, I don't know. He's trying to be Steve Harley Anything else to say about this? Yeah, look all I can say is when that Osmond comes on at the end and upstages him and all the girls start screaming Because they were bored watching cockney rebel and now there's an Osmond to scream at It's not Donny Osmond that upstages him. It's not even handsome Ken Osmond

It turns out to be fat Albert Osmond who looks like my fucking uncle He looked like Benny from Crossroads and these kids are out of their minds because for the first time They're not seeing him standing next to other Osmonds they've seen him juxtaposed with Steve Harley and Cockney Rebel and they'd never noticed he was so handsome and exciting by comparison and they practically hurled themselves at him you look up at the balcony it's like tipping point rendered in crimp lean I don't know that just makes me lose confidence in a singer that that's all. Do you know how many people were in Cockney Rebel?

Go on. 25. Wow. That's a floor-length t-shirt. You'd have to pay extra for that. That's how much of a fucker Steve Harley was. That's how many people he got through. I must say, this iteration of Cockney Rebel on this performance, they all look like they're enjoying themselves and functioning really well as a band for now. Um, one original member of Cockney Rebel died in, in a horribly tragic way. Uh, the original bassist, Paul Jeffries, um, died in the Lockerbie bombing in 1988.

He was on the plane on his honeymoon. Oh, fuck's sake. With his new wife. Yeah. Cause we always go on about all the four tops escape Lockerbie and Johnny Rotten escape Lockerbie but that Paul Sod didn't that's terrible. So the following week Mr Soft jumped 11 places to number 12 and Harley was invited back into the top of the pop studio for the second week on the bounce, this time with a new band which, according to legend,

featured an 18 year old keyboard player called… B.A. Conterson. I can't find any video evidence of this, but yeah, shit. No but you've just put a finger on what it is I don't like. That just seems totally plausible. Yeah, now I understand it better. Oh yeah, well he goes on the right on the back of the t-shirt, right in the ass crack.

He spent the rest of the year tinkering with the line-up of Cockney Rebel and in the meantime released his first solo single Big Big Deal in November, which failed to chart. But in the meantime he'd written an extremely pointed coat down of his old bandmates called Make Me Smile, Open Brackets, Come Up and See Me, Close Brackets, which was put out under the names Steve Hawley and Cockney Rebel and it spent two weeks at number one in February of 1975. And yes, in 1987, Harley was approached to rewrite and sing Mr. Soft as a jingle for an advert for Treeboar Softmix. Do you remember that, Sarah, being a young and... Oh yeah, absolutely. Yeah, it's a brilliant advert. I went and looked it up and it's still amazing.

Part of the reason that it's so memorable is like how nightmarish it is, everything in white and everything's just, just off and wrong. Yes. It's amazing. They got away with it. I'm sure Mr. Soft featured in a few, you know, teenagers hallucinations and having something.

Well, funny you should say that Sarah, because round about that time, one of my mates in college at the time came in one morning All bruised up and you know, so what what happened to you this weekend mate? He said oh he done a load of acid and him and his mates were convinced that they'd seen mr. Soft in a tree. Yeah, which encouraged them to run into each other to test if they had become mr. Soft With predictable results. So yeah, there we go. Yeah.

Mr. Soft himself looks to me like he played the Psycho Moto backwards, heard a subliminal message and acted accordingly. And then sued Steve Harley and whoever happened to be in Cockney Rebel at the time. If you know, you know, and I am sorry. Um, so Steve Harley declined to do the advert and the guy who did his voice really goes for it in a slightly unflatching way. Mr. Sun. Do you know who's actually singing that?

No. Philip Pote, who was in Who Dares Wins in the Heebie Jeebies, later did a load of stuff for Spitting Image, probably best known today for being Tony Angelino of quying fame in Only Fools and Horses. Yeah, because Harley turned it down because he was about to land the lead role in the West End production of Phantom of the Opera, but he gave his permission for them to rewrite the song and get someone else to sing it. But then Andrew Lloyd Webber gave the role to Michael Crawford instead. He got back into it and said, Oh, I'll do it now. But it was too late. Philip Pope had got it in the can.

Or as it may be in the squishy anthropomorphic post box. Yeah, it is a truly legendary advert. I think maybe the modern equivalent might be a washing detergent ad from a few years ago, which in terms of great impressions of singers, the most amazing Tony Hadley impression, bold! Oh, way as best! It is amazing. And of course, it was followed by a much shitter version of the same concert because that's how everything is under late capitalism. But you know, I love people pretending to be pop stars. Obviously Brian Ferry is the key one. I like fuka beats for you. But all of those have to bow to the best version of someone pretending to be a singer and an

advert. Grace Jones in the fucking H Samuel advert mate. I don't know it. So leaves go to Enneleg for H Samuel. Here makes way for H Samuel. Make way for H Samuel. I don't know it. Oh mate. I think I soon shall. On the back of the advert, which ran rampant throughout the playgrounds of Britain, the single was re-released in March 23 sound, Mr. Sock.

Now here's a group that has a really nice name. They're called Sweet Dreams and this this week, they're number 19. And here's a song that's gonna take them right up to the top 10. Up 10 places, Honey Honey! ["Honey Honey"] The next Osmond to appear, who out-reduces Cockney Rebel with minimal pissing about, is yes, Meryl Osmond. Meryl was seen over here as possibly the kenniest of all the Osmonds and now he's got married and is putting on a tiny bit of chub.

That situation is only going to get worse I fear. So I feel we need to get to know the lad better and with that in mind allow me to direct you to another penetrating interview. This time in the official Osmond, entitled Meryl, my hates and loves. Unlike Donnet, who as we all know loves rainbows, sunshine, the moon and you, but hates war, not meeting you and seeing a bird with a broken wing, Meryl's a lot more down to earth and prosaic, I believe so. I hate to break my guitar strings when I'm performing on stage but it often happens. I hate flowers with too strong a smell but most flowers are sweetly fragrant and I like them. I hate spiders. I recently

was bitten on my left index finger by a black widow spider, but nothing happened to me. I Hate trying on clothes, although I like to look really groovy Mother and my sister Marie help all of us to select clothes as we simply don't have the patience to shop I hate blind dates, although some admittedly turn out well Maybe I'll meet you that way. I'd sure like that. I thought you were going to say, I hate blind people. I was going to say, you've come a bit out of nowhere, Jesus Christ. I know it's the 70s, but fucking hell.

I know it's all hate, hate, hate, but you know, let's not assume that he is the Taylor Poulx of the Ozways. Shut up. assume that he is the Taylor Polks of the old Spaniards. For example, I love fishing so much in fact that I even clean most of the fish my brothers and I catch. I love girls. I love painting portraits on velvet backgrounds. Oh I'd like to kiss her. I love corn on the cob. Yum. I love the heavy look in clothing. Lots of hardware and metal on my jeans and things. And finally, I love strawberries. So there we go. I think we've got the measure of the man now, don't you think? I'm with him on the strawberries. The big takeaway from that for me

Is the fact that the Osmond's wardrobe is currently being picked out by a 49 year old Mormon, ma'am Can you imagine saying to your mom? Oh, yeah, you know when you're out doing the shopping He gets some new gear for me. I'm really into the every look. Can you imagine what shit should come back with? fucking motorhead are into Can you imagine what shit she'd come back with? Fucking motorhead Arrington. Merrill tells us that he also loves the name of the next act, presumably because it reminds him of a fantasy he had about catching a pipe made out of straw bread while he was wearing a pair of trousers with a blackened deck of workmate glued to the arse.

It's sweet dreams with Honey Honey. Formed in Stockholm in 1972, ABBA are fucking ABBA. This is their second single and the follow up to Waterloo, which got to number one over here in the wake of their triumph at the Eurovision Song Contest in May. As a matter of fact, it had already been put out on the continent last April, getting to number 2 in West Germany and spending 4 months in their top 5, as well as going top 5 in Austria, Spain and Switzerland and being the last single they ever recorded in Swedish. But when their UK label, Epic, was off on, they didn't reckon it in the slightest, opting for a remix of Ring Ring, which only got to number 32 over here last month.

However, Bradley's Records, a new label founded by ATV Music which had the goodies and oooh Stephanie DeSikes on their roster, swooped in to snap up the rights and linked up Tony Jackson who was born in Barbados in 1944 and relocated to London in the mid-60s to join a soul bank on the Scartalites who had nothing to do with the guns of Navarone hitmakers with an unknown chanteuse called Sierra Leone. It entered the charts four weeks ago at number 46, jumped ten places to number 36, stayed at number 36 a week later, but then jumped another seven places to number 29. And an appearance on top of the pops only last week has kicked them up ten places to

number 19. And here they are on stage giving us a tantalizing glimpse of a black ABBA blubber if you will Let's talk about ABBA first because as people of the far future We know that ABBA are going to completely ram their fist up the back end of the 70s But at this point in time there are band who've cashed in their obligatory second less successful hit We're not expecting to hear from them ever again in the UK are we you know maybe the two lads could chisel out a career writing songs like this while the girls have solo careers and go on pippy poppy or whatever sweet nads music show and and then they could all reunite as a schlager band in the

90s and pop up on all those Eurovision documentaries. Yeah, at this point you just think that if these records are hit it's just going to be a bit of beer money, a bit of Sir Stroming money for the members of ABBA. One beer knowing the price of Swedish lager. Yeah, and let's face it, by other standards, this isn't really a very good song. It's one of those early ones, written entirely as a commercial project. I think it might even have been one of the ones they wrote for Eurovision and rejected, I'm not sure.

And the main problem with it is it's about sex, but the lyrics have the awkwardness of people from a Scandinavian culture which is very blasé about sex and treats it as just another healthy natural human activity trying to be raunchy. And this is why rock raunch is an Anglo-American thing because these are suppressive frightened cultures when it comes to sex. So naturally people are excited by the feeling of wrongness and being naughty, you know, and there isn't really a Swedish naughty, there's just good clean fun. So a lot of later ABBA songs have got that adult worldliness, like acknowledging the existence of sex without becoming overheated, which works quite well for them. But when they, or Steg Anderson, the manager who I think

wrote the words to this, when they do try to write that sort of saucy, thrusting lyric, it's never quite right. Because culturally, it's just not there for them. There's a matter of factness to it, which seems quite odd to British people at this time. Or at least British kids, because hot sex, such as was being doled out by the honey in this song, was not a matter of fact subject to us. It was a tsunami of lava crashing through the front wall of your consciousness. I think what it is from my interactions with Scandinavians and my understanding

of Scandinavians, I think it's that in a sexual context, they're still themselves at every level. It's just themselves having sexy fun. Whereas British people almost have an alter ego that they just use for sex, right? Some other spirit which possesses them and tears away the reserve. It's like you have to regenerate just in order to not be Mr. Britain in bed, right, which nobody would need. So people's sexual persona is often totally different to their daytime social persona and it gives them more license to get dirty or deviant, right, and that's not so necessary if you're from Oslo or Roskilde,

you know, but that's the downside of living in a sane country. Yeah, it's not a sexy song, is it really? It's kind of, it's a bit nothingy. Saucy and cheeky, isn't it? As opposed to sexy. This hits my brain like holiday music, because it doesn't really go anywhere or do very much and it

makes you feel like you're slightly pissed on a really sickly cocktail, sort of surrounded by lots of sunburnt people in their mid-60s kind of careening around bumping into little tables. All right, maybe that's just me. Taylor, you went to see that ABBA thing, didn't you recently? Yeah, Voyage. I didn't know you had your hen do. Why didn't you invite me you bastard? Yeah, this is it. I wouldn't have paid for it But someone I know had tickets and took me and incredibly enough is really good a lot better than I expected I mean it was effectively a puppet show and

Clearly there was zero spontaneity by necessity But when you're starting from there and you think well well, okay, now how can we make this work? They did do all of that. The tech is state of the art, the lighting and the manipulation of space is brilliant. They do it to artificially break the line between the flat moving pictures and the 3D auditorium and create a sort of false visual continuity

between the stage and the space. And there is a band playing live, albeit a strict click track obviously, but that does make it different from just sitting there watching a movie play out. And best of all, from my perspective, they do give space to that sparkly pink cowboy hat, hen night aspect of ABBA, quite rightly. But unlike certain other post split ABBA ventures, they don't just mash everything down to that for commercial reasons. They do give proportionate space to their darker

and more emotional side. Like I knew I was safe after literally 30 seconds because mild spoilers ahead. They open the set with The Visitors, a song about the Soviet secret police breaking down the door of a political dissident, the verse of which is just made up of grey synthesizer slabs, a song which probably 50% of the audience had never heard. And let's be fair to them, that is an astonishing artistic decision which set me off on the right foot. But revivalist stuff like this always goes one of two ways, right? It's about money and decay, like the Sex Pistols reunion or something, or it's a giant celebration

of love. Maybe not the coolest, but a forgivable cultural indulgence, like going to see the monkeys when they reformed, you know. And this is squarely in that second category, except because it's ABBA and they have standards, it has some genuine worth as entertainment and as music. And because it's ABBA and they're smart, it's ended up making them more money than any geriatric

reunion tour ever could. Because instead of the usual approach with bands reform, which is, hey, this is all about us, here we are, catch us while you can before we remember why we all hated each other in the first place, and don't be late, you'll never be in a room with us again. Here the message is, this is all about you, and we've created a space where you can all get together and experience these songs. We don't even need to be there because you don't know or care anything about us as humans. So here we are, Free Dancing Area is there, here's the seats, Prosecco is on sale at the bar, come any day you like, Holograms don't get tired. If it's your wedding anniversary in November, cool.

See you then, except we won't, because we're sat in Stockholm counting our Krona and being ancient. And it works because everything is suspended in perfect balance. There's a reason Sweden produces some of the greatest engineers on the planet. There's something about that matter of fact,

logical thinking that's embedded in their culture that makes people very good at understanding what should go where and why. Even if that is the same matter of fact logical thinking that leads so many Swedish people to casually conclude that life is not worth living even in one of the richest and freest countries on earth. Basically what I'm saying is the cultural germ that gave us Bergman's cries and whispers also gave us holograms of people twirling in blue spandex to Waterloo in a purpose-built hut in Newham. It's really good. You should go. The other great thing, you know who's in the backing band on keyboards Little Boots you remember Little Boots yeah yeah I think she's still in

the band she certainly was last year I don't know if there's some turnover there but yeah Little Boots playing those songs every day stuck on repeat I always thought she seemed really nice so I'm glad she's not unemployed or or serving caramel lattes to people who've never heard of little boots but DJ every Friday night with records that sound like little boots but not as good I mean I wouldn't wish my fate on anyone but yeah fair play to her. And that's our bar out the way so let's move on to sweet dreams eh because they're on for the second week running, which goes to show that Top of the Pops was not above fucking with the format, even in the early 70s.

And it's a practice that wouldn't last very long, which is good, because that don't sit right with me. But on the other hand, I do believe that this may well be the first appearance of the Top of the Pops orchestra in this episode. And at this point in their career, it seems that they can keep themselves out of the top of the Pops Orchestra in this episode. And at this point in their career, it seems that they can keep themselves out of the bar long enough to deliver a competent performance and handle the particular sinuous demands of black music. Well, when I first heard this record, I thought, okay, so is this going to be, because I didn't

know this song, I'd never heard this song before. So I thought, is this going to be a Jamaican record, or is it going to be, because I didn't know this song, I'd never heard this song before, so I thought is this going to be a Jamaican record or is it going to be a record made in Britain by Caribbean musicians or is it, and then before I got any further I could already hear that yeah it's the third one, it's a British studio project with cabaret singers. So ideally suited to the legendary Blue Beat chops of the Top of the Pops orchestra. Yeah, Ray and Nobby in full effect. Yeah, when two party sevens clash. But yeah, the record of this was probably played by their mates, you know what I mean?

So like, they can handle it. Although the record of this is much better. It's quite gross and quite enjoyable because everything's maximized and over over loud like an advert you know I mean it feels like whoever played on and produced this record had only done adverts before but that's sort of the best thing about Tooting Horns you've got a chintzy synth on it everything massively compressed and quite fast as well so it doesn't get boring you know it's all right on the same record label as the goodies which which is about right. Yeah. But this version here, much slower, it drags and yeah, boys in the BBC band cranking out that Kingston groove like they're driving a Morris Traveller over

a plowed field in February. As they say, it is what it is. My god, it is what it is. The thing about this is that there's a slight tension in, because she sings the first verse and then he comes in like after a minute or so. And so you're looking at him in his chosen outfit which is black satin pyjamas and he looks great. Oh, she looks great too. She's got a red dress with some applique strawberries and her hair is great and she's got great presence and a really good voice and you're waiting for him to sing. And it's like, is his voice going to live up to his outfit? Like, is he going to bring, is it going to match the energy? You know, can his voice cash the check that his outfit is trying to write? And I don't, I don't know if it can actually. Um, he's

got, he's got a medallion on and everything but it just, you know, and he's got a perfectly pleasant serviceable voice but it's, do you know what I mean? He's got a little bit of disappointment. It's not his fault, that's just his voice but if you are going to, you know, bring that energy to a thing I think, you know, you want to bring it all the way. I mean this seems to be their natural domain, you know, on a stage, but instead of young married tucking into the scam pair, it's your standard cracker jack audience minus the Boy Scouts. And the looks the two of them shoot each other indicate to us that we're not going to get the full Sweet Dreams experience tonight. I mean Tony

Jackson in particular can't help but laugh at the situation. There's one bit after Sarah Leon has described him as a love machine. He slinks behind her, possibly to get on his mark, and she does this really awkward double take and he shoots her a look and then turns away and laughs. And then later on Tony forgets to mime and he does a massive eye roll. It's quite the performance. Yeah, they're also clearly miming to something they recorded earlier, because there's a couple of occasions where she has to mime to herself, singing slightly flat. Oh no. What a bummer.

But she's a pro, you know, she gets through it. Anything else to say? Yeah, there is, isn't there? Sarah, did you notice anything unusual about Sarah Lyonne? What? Sarah, did you notice anything unusual about Sarah Lyonne? Born in Birmingham in 1947, Polly Brown got involved in the Brumbeat scene in the mid-60s as part of a three-goal group, and in 1969 she joined Piketty Witch, and their third single, a cover of the Foundation's LP track That Same Old Feeling, tore up the chart, getting

to number five for two weeks in March of 1970. After two more chart hits that year, Diminishing Return Setting and Brown, who had been in the news that year as the fake fiance of Jimmy Savile, left the band in late 1972 to pursue a solo career. And after an LP with Pi that failed to do anything she signed with Bradley's where she was teamed up with the songwriter Ron Roker who had written the theme tunes to Rupert the Bear and Inigo Pipkin.

Together with Jerry Schorre who had written Do You Wanna Dance for Barry Blue they wrote Up in a Puff of smoke which she recorded last month But in the same session she was offered a go at honey honey as a duet As honey honey and up in a puff of smoke were coming out at the same time on different labels It was deemed essential that brown who is very white Change her appearance so she changed her name to Sarah Leon white, change her appearance so she changed her name to Sarah Lyonne, think about it man, and blacked up for public appearances to match Jackson because this is 1974 and the idea of a pretty blonde girl singing with a black man would have sent the Eddie Boos of the world

into a foaming rage. Sarah, that's a white woman blacking up. Did you not know that? I didn't notice. I watched it. I promise you I watched it. I noticed a dress. I noticed a hair. I noticed Noel's fucking shirt. You know, even though it was tiny, I realised I could see what it was. I squinted at it. My computer's quite old. The contrast on it is a bit hinky, you know? Sarah, you're young. You're not to know this this thing, but to me it was something I knew about. And I thought Taylor knew about it as well. No, and I didn't notice either at first.

I didn't think she was a black woman because her actual features are as Caucasian as it gets. I thought maybe she's like mixed race, like perhaps Arab or South Asian or something. Didn't really think about it. It was only when I read that this is actually the blonde woman out of Piketty Witch and she suddenly become black. Not quite as funny as it was a month ago is it? No. But it was only then that I noticed that anything was up which probably says something about something. Yeah because I

sent you a message teller saying oh do you think Sarah knows about this? Should we tell her in advance? And you said, what? Oh, OK, so you do discuss this ahead of time just to make me look as fucking stupid as possible. Fucking arsehole. No, it just... See, you pricks.

No, it just came up in conversation. But in the context of 1974, when one of the absolute top rated shows on television featured a bunch of white dudes in minstrel blackface, it's kind of almost not that shocking to see a woman in actor's blackface, which was common and terrible, but at least not an intentionally insulting parody of billions of people's racial identity. And she seems to be on good terms with an actual black man who is at least tolerating this spectacle without visible dismay.

So it's really gruesome, but there were prestige BBC drama productions which went further than this at the time. You know what I mean? You ever wonder why you never see the Beatles film help on telly anymore? I don't think anybody would have thought twice. Because as we know in 1974 if a man and woman do anything together, especially sing, it means they're having sex with each other, doesn't it? You know, even when it's Hilda

Baker and Arthur Mollard. There's no amount of saying it was a different time that will ever like cut through anymore because I have had to row back in my head about getting upset about stuff that happened 50 or 40 or 30 years ago and it's like the tide of awareness it could sort of lifts all boats you know just to mix a metaphor there. We've tried to grasp this in the earlier in this episode about the shirt, much as I would like to take any opportunity to have a pop at Noel Admans. Like he didn't know any better than people didn't know any better. And it doesn't matter how old they were and whatever it's

the, the awareness was not there in the culture. And we are to a certain extent waiting all the time for something for, for the awareness to hit us. And that's going to happen again in the future to us. And we'll go, oh, fucking hell, I didn't realise that before. And we'll go, oh, now I'm ashamed. But no one else knew either, or no one else figured it, because that's just how this stuff works. It's fucking weird. But this is one of the many examples, well, America has just given us a massive one actually, of just humans not quite being up to the level of our brains. Like we really think that we are more civilised and more intelligent and more whatever else we are. So we're constantly shocked and appalled

by ourselves. Like, oh, how could you do that? What do you do there? It's like, no, that's how we are. It's because there's kind of the potential is all the way over there and we are always, we can't reach it. You know, this is the tragedy. According to legend, the previous week, Polly Brown turned up at the top of the pop studio in full on minstrel slap and Robin Nash went absolutely mental. So she had to tone it down to a lighter Brown. I mean, yeah, she turned it down such that I didn't really pick up on it.

A fortnight after this performance, the dark truth for want of a far better word was revealed. Article in the Daily Mirror. She's black, she's beautiful, but pop star Sarah Lyonne is not quite what she seems. Sarah, who is pictured with Tony Jackson, her partner in the hit singing duo Sweet Dreams, is none other than blonde Polly Brown, in disguise. Millions of viewers watched Sarah perform on the BBC's Top of the Pops last week. Thousands of fans have bought the Sweet Dreams single Honey Honey Honey which has leapt into the charts but not until today has Sarah's real identity been revealed.

Polly, the Birmingham singer who used to be lead vocalist in Piketty Witch, met Tony in a recording studio and decided to go into partnership. But Polly already had a successful solo career with her single Up in a Puff of Smoke in the Charts and plenty of cabaret dates. The only way out was to disguise herself. So 27-year-old Polly decided on a little white lie and Miss Brown turned black. Even though her secret has been discovered, Polly plans to continue in her new role. A change of colour gives me more musical freedom, she says.

Polly plans to tour the cabaret circuit as Sarah of sweet dreams, as well as carrying on with her solo career. It's what's known as getting the best of both worlds. Fucking hell. I mean, okay, by all means disguise yourself but put a mask on. Yeah. Yeah it worked for David Sowell. Yeah and MFD. Yeah. And you don't have to worry about aging. Yes. Women you see women have never done this but like you know a lot of men have done it but it's not a thing that women have done but it's like yeah you can just be ageless. Yeah. Just put a Frankenstein head on and just lumber around

the stage with your arms out in front of you. Have you heard up in a puff of smoke? It's mint isn't it? Yeah, it's alright. Imagine the Supremes as a glam band. There's actually a promo video of it and she's got this proper 80s Barbara Windsor bubble poo. It's a remarkable song though. She should have formed a singing group with some equally blacked out women called Angola, Sudan and Madagascar and Ethiopia but that's not even the end of the subterfuge. It was later revealed that Tony Jackson was not the singer on the single. It was none other than Ron Rocha who is white. So we got black face and white throats Yeah

I was going to say right if you listen to that seeing them You wouldn't necessarily be able to identify who was black and who was white and I didn't know how right I was Only that it was not Jamaican This music I mean in a defense he was only doing what quite a lot of things at the time might as well have done Yeah, but she had a few sharp words to say and know all about his shirt So the following week honey, honey jumped six places to number 13 and a week later spent a two week stint at number 10 The follow-up the best of everything featured Brown gradually lightening up her complexion but keeping the brown wig failed to chart.

Meanwhile, Up in a Puff of Smoke spent an agonising four weeks hovering around the door of the Top 40, eventually making it to number 43 at the end of September, although it got to number 16 in the American chart. Yeah, she wouldn't fucking black up in America, would she? Inadvisable. In 1976, Brown appeared twice on that year's song for Europe, once as a solo act and once as a part of Sweet Dreams, but both were crushed under the billowy amtabs of the Brotherhood of Man and the duo split up soon afterwards. A few months later, she became the first person to record Dance, Little Lady Dance, but when her label decided it wasn't a strong enough song, it remained in the vault and was eventually snaffled by Tina Charles, who took it to number six in September, and she never troubled the

charts again, spending the rest of her career being confused by the media for Sheila Rossall, the lead singer of New Picardy Witch, who was never out of the news in the avantez for suffering from total allergy syndrome, or, as the papers used to put it, being allergic to the 20th century. And in 1983, the name Sweet Dreams was recycled as a UK's entry in the Eurovision Song Contest Featuring Bobby McVeigh of the Fizz and Cary Grant of Fame Academy Performing I'm Never Giving Up which was written by Ron Roker

She also sang on Every Time You Go Away by Paul Young Wishing Well by Terence Trent Darby. Fucking hell. And now they have to go on the playlist. Ha ha. Then in the 1980s when Levi's did those adverts with Nick Caiman taking his jeans off in the laundrette and I heard it through the grapevine playing, not the actual version of I heard it through the grapevine because they weren't allowed to use it.

Let's do a re-recording with everything sounding as much as possible like the original. The singer impersonating Marvin Gaye on those adverts, Tony Jackson, the very same. Not only that, he also did the cover of Wonderful World for the original Levi's 501 advert. So yeah, fucking hell, we've gone from two white singers pretending to be black to a black singer pretending to be gay. Oh, oh, thought of another one. Demare, Cratic Republic of the Congo. And on that note, we're going to retreat, get our shit together and come back hard tomorrow

for the thrilling climax of this astonishing episode of Top of the Pops. But before I go, Popcrazesters, a reminder that we do not fuck about in our investigations, as once again, we've put together a gargantuan video playlist for this episode. Everything we listen to, everything we talk about, everything we pull apart is in there so if you want the full experience get your arse over to youtube.com slash chartmusic totp and smash your head into a bucket of 1974. Oh and if you want this episode and the others in full without any advert ramble get over to patreon.com slash chart music Stick that money down this g-string and become a pop crazed

Patreon person we're starting to lob up some proper decent bonus content up there And the next thing we do is going to be patreon only and it's going to be a bit special Patreon only and it's going to be a bit special. Anyway, they're Sarah B and Taylor Parks, I'm Al Needham and you are staying Pop Crazed.